Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 259

Top Posts for September–and a Giveaway!

In September I had so many new readers sign up. And I know that not all of my regular readers can make it here everyday! So at the beginning of the month I like to post links to the top posts from the previous month.

Now, often my top posts are older ones that get “pinned” a lot. So I’ll do the top 5 posts by traffic last month, and the top 5 posts that were actually written in September. Make sure you didn’t miss any of these good ones!

First, the new ones:

Top 5 Posts Written in September

1. Why He Won’t Meet Your Needs (hey, this one made the top 5 overall, too, plus it was a new one!). It’s bound to step on some toes, but I really think it’s true.

2. Revive Your Marriage: Revive Your Prayers for Your Husband. In September I participated in Revive Your Marriage month with 3 awesome bloggers, and this was the most popular of all the posts!

3. Revive Your Marriage: Revive Your Attitude. The first in our series, about how to change the way you think in marriage. Such an important post!

4. Emotional Affairs: The Dangers are Real. A guest post that packed a punch.

5. Do We Expect More of Our Christian Teens than we Expect of Ourselves? A controversial post with a lot of discussion in the comments! The only parenting post to make it this month to the top 5!

Now, the older top 5:

Top 5 Posts from September

1. 16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband. I do love this post, and apparently other people do, too!

2. The 50 Most Important Bible Verses to Memorize. If you’ve always wanted to memorize Scripture, here’s a great place to start. According to what I see on Pinterest, people are even using this list as a jump-start to print out verses and hang on their walls. Awesome idea!

3. 29 Days to Great Sex: The Act of Marriage. It’s Day One of the 29 Days to Great Sex! If you haven’t worked through it with your husband, why not start now? And great news for those of you who already worked through 29 Days to Great Sex: I’m launching an ebook version of it at the end of October, with more challenges, and more for HIM, too!

4. 14 Ways to Play as a Couple. Lots of fun ideas here to add laughter into your marriage!

5. How to Have an Orgasm. Okay, this one isn’t pinned as much (people don’t like to share it), but it’s still really popular!

This month the only changes were that #4 and #5 switched places!

Now, a couple more cool things.

Courtney at Women Living Well is giving away a copy of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and the Time Warp Wife’s The Good Wife’s Guide. Head on over to enter to win!

And here’s my top video of the month, for those who haven’t seen it. Please share on Facebook or Pin it, too!

Thanks for hanging out with me. I really appreciate my faithful readers. And just so you know, my blog has gone from 12,000 viewers a month a year ago to 300,000 now. So you’re all helping me so much! And if you can keep spreading the word, that would be awesome!

Now tell me in the comments, what did you like this month? Or even more importantly, what else would you like me to write about? I’m always open to suggestions!

Related posts:

Top Ten Posts for August
Top Ten Posts for July
Top Ten Posts for June

Wifey Wednesday: 7 Ways Hollywood Messes Up Our Sex Lives

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I write a post, and then you all can link up your own marriage posts, or leave a comment on this one!

Today I want to tackle a pet peeve of mine: Hollywood. I firmly believe that movies & TV have done more to wreck people’s sex lives than just about anything else. They set up unrealistic expectations, portray sex as something totally devoid of reality, and miss out on the whole reason behind intimacy.

So here goes: the 7 ways that Hollywood Messes up our Sex Lives.

1. The Couple Always Reaches the Big “O” Simultaneously

No one ever struggles with making sex feel good. From the very first time (in movies like The Notebook), women experience absolute bliss. And the bliss is perfectly timed, too! There’s no “making sure she feels good” first. There’s no struggling with how to reach the Big “O” at all! It’s just absolutely easy and natural.

What We Feel: No wonder so many new brides feel like there’s something wrong with their bodies! Look, ladies: most women do not experience simultaneous orgasm. They don’t. That’s not to say it isn’t possible; it’s just that it’s not terribly common. And in my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, only about 60% of women “usually” or “always” experienced orgasm during intercourse at all. Most of the rest reached it some other way, and that’s perfectly fine.

It’s great to aim for the stars, and here’s a post that can help you do that. But you are not a freak if things don’t come easily!

2. She Looks Like a Supermodel

Did you know that forensic scientists are always drop dead gorgeous? And they show up to work in heels and with a ton of mascara. I obviously chose the wrong profession.

Everybody in Hollywood looks perfect. You wouldn’t be in Hollywood if you didn’t look perfect! But look around at the people that you know in real life. We aren’t that beautiful a bunch. Most of us are just pretty normal.

What We Feel: It’s easy to think that you can’t be sexy if you have a tummy at all. Have you ever looked down at yourself post-baby and just thought, “I’m ugly now”? Most of us have, because most of us have tummies. That’s because we’re WOMEN. Hollywood tells us that flawless is sexy, and so it’s easy to believe that if we have flaws, we therefore aren’t sexy. And when we don’t feel sexy, we often shut down. Don’t let Hollywood shut you down! Hollywood’s not worth it.

3. The Women Always Have Libidos Through the Roof

Women want sex. All the time. They want it just as much as men do. We have whole shows dedicated to this: Sex and the City, Jersey Shore.

What We Feel: Watch this long enough, and many women start to worry that they’re frigid. If you’re not panting and on the prowl, are you therefore undersexed? Nope. Most women’s desire and arousal doesn’t actually kick in until you’ve started to make love. While some women have really high sex drives, many women just don’t. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy making love anyway! If you throw yourself into it, and believe your body will follow, it likely will.

If, on the other hand, you believe Hollywood and you’re waiting until you’re completely turned on to have sex, you may be waiting a long time.

4. The Men Always Have Libidos Through the Roof

Men are sex obsessed. Every man is thinking about sex all the time. Whether it’s the nerds in The Big Bang Theory or the detectives in Law & Order, they’re all out to “get some”.

What We Feel: About 30% of women have the higher sex drive in their marriages. And if you’re that woman, it’s easy to figure, “I must be really, really undesirable.” Because every other guy is sex obsessed except for mine!

But what if it’s not true? What if not every guy IS sex obsessed? Then perhaps we wouldn’t feel so rejected. If you are in this situation, this post can help. But rest assured that you are not alone!

5. Porn is Fun! (Not!)

When people watch porn on sitcoms, it’s usually something to laugh about. Sometimes couples watch it together, in the hopes of getting aroused together. Or the guys watch porn on poker night. It’s just a natural part of life.

What We Feel: Then, when your husband watches porn and tells you “everybody does it”, you wonder, “am I a prude for thinking this is wrong?” And porn wrecks marriages. It isn’t harmless. It causes us to fantasize, to dissociate, to not be able to get aroused by a person but only an image. It causes people to turn to porn instead of each other, and soon takes away desire for your spouse almost entirely. It’s selfish. It’s evil. And it’s exploitative. A marriage will steadily go downhill if one or both partners watch porn.

6. Marriage is Boring

Back in the 1990s my husband and I used to watch Friends. I thought Chandler was just hilarious. But one night, after a particularly raunchy episode, we realized we were essentially watching a show about people jumping into bed with one another. And we stopped.

In Hollywood, the hottest sex scenes usually occur the FIRST time a couple falls into bed. It’s that conquest that makes it so arousing. And so most shows revolve around winning a new person to go to bed with. Marriage, where you past that “first” time decades ago, is awfully boring.

What We Feel: Sex needs to be new, and fresh, and exciting! And marriage is the opposite of all of that. We start to feel like we’re missing out on something, and that all we have is the boring leftovers. The reason we’re not satisfied, we think, must be because we’re with the same partner who doesn’t know how to turn us on. In reality, though, the best sex is between married people–and not even newlyweds! I found that the best years for sex in marriage were between years 16-20. So practice is actually far sexier than conquests!

7. Foreplay is Unnecessary

Many women require a LOT of foreplay to become aroused enough to enjoy making love. Many women require a lot of touching to even reach climax. But on the screen, people grope and kiss and within less than two minutes the clothes are off and the bodies are joined. No one ever gropes around to find just the right body parts to caress. No one ever has to ask, “is this the place?” They automatically know, and everybody automatically feels amazing.

What We Feel: If simply ripping clothes off isn’t enough to arouse us, then we start to wonder if there’s something wrong. And we feel weird and uncomfortable asking our husbands for more foreplay, because it honestly looks like NO ONE ELSE NEEDS IT. We’re the freaks. And you start to think everyone else must be way more sexually responsive than you are, because two minutes of groping does nothing for you.

I can think of tons of other unrealistic portrayals–no one ever has morning breath, no one ever goes to the bathroom afterwards, no one ever is freezing so they have to wear flannel.

But these ones about marriage being boring, porn being arousing, men wanting it all the time, and women responding easily and rapidly really distort how sex works for most people. And it distorts how God made sex to work! You were made so that your body takes longer to heat up. You were made so that in order for sex to feel good for both of you, you have to have a lot of communication. You have to know each other well. You have to be able to be vulnerable. And it isn’t automatic, and that’s perfectly okay.

It is not you that’s messed up; it’s Hollywood! So don’t take it as the baseline for what your sex life should be. And don’t worry what other people are experiencing, either! What matters is what you and your husband manage to work at together. If you’re happy, that’s great. And if you’re not happy, the answer likely isn’t to try to emulate Hollywood. It’s just to get to know yourself better, know your husband better, and understand how and why God created sex.

Oh, and by the way: RELAX!

Sheila is the author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, which helps you experience awesome sex–without Hollywood’s Lies!



Now, what do you have for us today? Link up a marriage post to the Linky below, or leave a comment and tell me: What lie that Hollywood tells do you find the most dangerous?

Remember to Pin this post or share it on Facebook!

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Getting Over Your Husband’s Sexual Past
Wifey Wednesday: When Sex Doesn’t Feel That Great
29 Days to Great Sex Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple

The PURSE-onality Challenge: “A Holiday-Ready Heart”

Maybe November and December are your two favorite months of the year.

Perhaps preparing for, living through, and cleaning up after the holidays don’t phase you in the least.

You may have your Christmas shopping all done, your cards ready to mail, and your menus completely planned.

If these are true for you, then The PURSE-onality Challenge “A Holiday-Ready Heart” is not designed for you. (But please join us anyhow and give us your best advice!)

However, if you…    

dread dragging out the holiday decorations…
wonder how what should be “the best of times” all too often often ends up being “the worst of times”…
wish you could hibernate from October 30 ’til January 1…
become overwhelmed by the commercialized chaos that tries to overtake your life in December…
cringe just thinking about spending yet another holiday with certain people…
feel like a failure because you never seem able to do everything “just right” for the holidays…
have an over-full calendar already (and the invitations haven’t even started coming!)
wonder how on earth you’re going to afford everything this season…
miss loved ones more than ever during the holidays…
want to focus on the real reason for the season…

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…then I hope you’ll join us in October for “A Holiday-Ready Heart“: 31 days of intentionally pray-paring for the most peace-full, joyous, family-focused, meaning-filled holy-days we can possibly have!

For some, this may take just a slight tweak. For others, this will require a serious overhaul of how we approach the holidays in our hearts.

Each day during October, we’ll examine an issue that often triggers holiday “baditude.” We’ll discuss how to maximize our own purse-onality strengths and intentionally meet the purse-onality needs of those we love. And we’ll plan ahead to be already meditating on God’s word and gratitude when the holidays roll around this year!

Join us for “A Holiday-Ready Heart” if you…

…want to do more than just “go through the motions” this season.

…long to focus on the true Reason for the season!

…desire peace on earth and goodwill toward others this Christmas!

Check out our website and Facebook page for the nitty-gritty details!

You’ll also find four free PURSE-onality audio messages:

Let’s Get PURSE-onal!
De-LIGHT-full Giving in a Weighty World
Personality Puzzle for Parents of Preschoolers
Healthy Marriages Major in History (NOT Math!) 

plus a free e-Book: Top 10 Priceless Gifts that Don’t Cost a Dime for Each PURSE-onality!

This is a sponsored post.

Cheri Gregory has been married to her pastor/teacher/musician college sweetheart, Daniel, for 24 years. The Gregorys are enjoying their newly “re-emptied nest” now that Jonathon (19) and Annemarie (21) are back in college. Cheri is a high school English teacher and Christian speaker/author. Connect with her via Facebook , cheri@cherigregory.com , and www.CheriGregory.com .

 

Related posts:

Christmas Greetings
An Outhouse, -20, and a Ton of Fun!
My Three Gifts of Christmas

Revive Your Marriage: Revive Your Sex Life

Revive Your Marriage Series

It’s time to…Revive Your Marriage! I’ve had such a good time this month with three bloggy friends, writing every Monday on how you can Revive your Marriage!.

We’ve talked about reviving your attitude, reviving your friendship, Reviving Your Praise, and reviving your prayer life. And now we come to my favorite one: Revive Your Sex Life!

I’ve written so much about this it’s hard to sum it up in just one post. But I’m going to try!

Have you ever heard it said that men are like microwaves and women are like slow cookers? I think what they mean is that men heat up quickly, while women take longer to “get in the mood”.

I don’t buy it.

That analogy assumes that, given enough time, a woman WILL always get in the mood. And that’s not true for one simple reason: for women, sex is almost entirely in our heads. If our heads aren’t in the game, our bodies won’t follow. So what we think about sex has a tremendous influence on how much we enjoy our sex lives.

And one thing I found when writing The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex is that many of us feel awfully defeated when it comes to sex. I know I did in the first few years of our marriage. It didn’t feel very wonderful, he wanted it all the time, and I was always inadequate. It seemed like a big rip off to women for me.

What I didn’t understand was how wonderfully intimate it is when you are able to make love, and not just have sex.

That’s hard to do if you’re seeing sex in a negative way. So let me encourage you here this morning. So many women give up at sex because it seems like too much hassle. Or it doesn’t work well. Or they just feel inadequate.

But if God created sex to be something beautiful and fulfilling and intimate for you, why would you deprive yourself of that? Don’t let personal doubts and condemnations stop you from experiencing all that God has for you!

You are not a failure if sex doesn’t feel that wonderful to you. Women do have a harder time becoming aroused than men do, and it takes more work to figure out how to make it feel good. In the surveys I did for my book, the best years for sexual satisfaction are 16-20. Sometimes it takes a while to get it right! So if it’s not feeling that great, that’s okay. Just take that as a challenge to start a fun research project with your husband!

You are not a failure if you’re packing some extra pounds. Not even supermodels look like supermodels–they’re all air brushed! No, you may not have a perfect body, but your body is the only one that your husband is allowed to enjoy. And your body is the vehicle that God has given you to enjoy sex with. Don’t let your own insecurities rob you and your husband of passion. If he wants you, then you’re desirable, and you’re beautiful, no matter what you may think of yourself.

You are not a failure if your husband uses porn. That doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. Most men are really tempted by this.

You are not a failure if you started out marriage with sexual baggage. Most Christian women did. Fewer than 40% of Christian women were virgins when they were married (according to the surveys I did). Yes, you didn’t live up to God’s plan. But that’s what Jesus died for. And now you and your husband are one flesh, new creations in God’s sight. Don’t let your past rob you of your present.

You are not even a failure if you don’t like sex very much! A lot of women wonder what all the fuss is about. Wondering if it is really so great is nothing bad; but letting that belief stop you from embracing it, or from trying to discover how to truly enjoy making love, is.

You are not a failure if your sex drive is much lower than your husband’s. It doesn’t mean that you’ll never be enough for him. It doesn’t mean that you’ll always be in conflict over this. It just means that you need to understand each other more. (And one more hint: when you understand the nature of a woman’s sex drive, you’ll see that we normally aren’t that turned on until we start making love. So go in with a good attitude, even if you don’t feel particularly sexy, and your body will usually follow!).

And finally, you are not a failure if your husband has a low sex drive. This doesn’t mean that you aren’t desirable. It just means that he has some issues, but God is big enough even for those.

So don’t let these thoughts defeat you! Your marriage is worth so much more than that. Instead, just see sex as something beautiful that God made for both of you, and then start an action plan for how you’re going to get it “great”! Two good places to start:

The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex
29 Days to Great Sex (my series that I wrote!)

Start thinking positive thoughts about sex, instead of negative ones, and it can change the whole dynamic of your sex life, and your marriage.

Here’s our final challenge:

My three blogging friends have also written on this today, and you can see what they have to say, too!

Courtney from WomenLivingWell, Darlene from TimeWarpWife.com, and Jennifer from UnveiledWife.com have all written awesome posts on praise! Click on through to see what they have to say.

 

 

 

 

 

And you can have your say, too! Just leave a comment to tell us the struggles you’ve had with your sex life, the solutions you’ve found, or what you love doing together.

Sheila is the author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. Don’t settle for mediocre in your marriage when God wants so much more for you! All through this week I’ll be writing more about how to make this part of your life great! So come on back and check in!

Related posts:

Revive Your Marriage: Revive Your Prayers!
Revive Your Marriage 3: Revive Your Friendship
Revive Your Marriage: Revive Your Attitude

The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex Encouraging Review!

Still 30% off at Amazon!

I know so many of you are here because of the great Revive Your Marriage series that I’ve been doing with three bloggy friends this month! Welcome!

But because you’re new, you may not know about The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, a book that I’ve recently written with Zondervan. Rather than try to explain what it’s about, I received this really encouraging email lately, and I thought I’d share it with you:

Just wanted to thank so much for writing The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. I think the Lord knew I needed to read that book. I’m not even sure how I came across it. Maybe from a guest blog post you did somewhere?? Anyway, I decided to take it out of our library, and I am SO glad I did.

I was a young, Christian virgin (my husband a virgin, too!) when I got married. I have struggled with the sex part of marriage for pretty much the entire time we’ve been married. I would say it’s been the biggest lingering issue in our marriage. I’ve read a few Christian sex books before but I just didn’t “get it” until now. Your book addressed the problems I needed to have addressed. The disassociation, for just one example, was something I needed addressed. I have also had issues relaxing which has caused me some pain in the past. Before, we would have an argument about sex every once in awhile, and then I would think I was doing better by just increasing my frequency and initiating (half-heartedly) a few times…yet I wasn’t ever a participant. Then we’d argue again a few months later, and I’d be like, “But we have been doing it more!” Duh! My husband needs my enthusiasm! Sex was created for ME too! . I also struggled big time with fantasizing during sex in order to help myself get heated up. I always knew it was wrong and would continually confess and pray about my sin and know I’m forgiven, but your book’s solution about turning my thoughts to what I would like my husband to do next has really helped me in a practical way. I can honestly say that since I read your book for the past month or so, I have not fantasized ONCE. My attention and thoughts have been completely and only on my husband. Praise the LORD! I now understand just how important sex is to marriage. My husband is LOVING this! And guess what….I am TOO!

Your book has helped me gain a more biblical perspective about sex and that it’s not just physical (which my head knew already) but that it’s OKAY to embrace the physical…even if I’m still a bit nervous and shy after a few years of marriage. This morning, I told my husband (cause I know he is wondering what has gotten into me!), “I read a book. It’s totally changed my perspective on sex. For the better.” No complaints from him..just a big smile!

Anyway, all this to say…Thank you! I wish it hadn’t taken me so many years to figure this out, but like I told my husband this morning after I apologized to him….Better late than never!

Love, J

…a happy, young, thankful mom and wife to one amazing hunk-of-a-man husband.

You can get your own copy, and read more reviews, right here!

Related posts:

The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex
The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–Excerpt Available!
29 Days to Great Sex Day 29: Party for Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!

A Honey Boo Boo World

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s column is about the circuses of distraction we seek and their impact on our culture .

Frequent readers of this column will know that I am not a fan of contemporary culture. Every critique I have written to date, though, pales in comparison to this: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo proves that we are witnessing The End of the World as We Know It. Perhaps the Mayans were onto something.

For those of you not familiar with this monstrosity, Honey Boo Boo Child is the nickname of six-year-old Alana Thompson, a rather rotund contestant made famous by the show Toddlers and Tiaras. Her favourite slogan is “a dollar makes me holler”, which made me want to gag. Her mother dresses up her overweight offspring in over-the-top outfits, teaches her to talk and act like a tramp, and fosters this freakish persona for all to see. I have not seen the show (we don’t subscribe to cable), but I’ve watched enough YouTube clips that my brain’s constant refrain is now “make it stop”.

The cultural appeal of Honey Boo Boo is similar to that of a train wreck: it’s so awful that you just can’t look away. And this is not, of course, a new phenomenon. In the past we had circuses with bearded ladies or elephant men. Centuries ago families would embark on a nice Sunday outing to watch the latest hanging. We have always enjoyed watching freaks. It makes us feel better about ourselves.

And pretty much everyone is better than Miss Alana’s mother, who feeds her child a mixture of Red Bull and Mountain Dew (her “go go juice”) to boost Honey Boo Boo’s energy during pageants. Few of us would ever parent that badly. And so the show has wide appeal. In fact, more people watched Here Comes Honey Boo Boo than watched the Republican National Convention in the United States. The people who will be determining the next leader of the free world aren’t bothering to listen to the candidates; they’re watching a family that gives rednecks a bad name.

I do not believe that everybody should watch all political debates or conventions; that truly is a personal choice. At the same time, though, our world is facing major problems. The Middle East is in an uproar again; Europe is disintegrating; China is flexing its muscles. Perhaps it is hardly surprising that we should choose instead to watch reality TV shows, where we can immerse ourselves in this alternate reality, and ignore the even scarier one that is encroaching upon us.

Nevertheless, this is a huge cultural blunder. Back in Roman days the senators and leaders provided “bread and circuses” to distract the masses. They produced dramatic yet gory extravaganzas so the people would be appeased and would have something to think about and talk about rather than how corrupt and inept the government was.  And it worked.

The difference today is that it is not our leaders putting on circuses to distract us. We are doing it to ourselves willingly. After millennia of people fighting for freedom, we are choosing instead to ignore the real issues and gloat about obese redneck freak shows. I know I frequently border on snobbery, and so perhaps I am putting too grim a spin on it. But I can’t help feeling that a free people must deserve to be free. And a free people must be vigilant about staying that way. I don’t think a society immersed in Honey Boo Boo, or the Kardashians, or the latest sex tape qualifies. And so I worry about what cultural phenomenon comes next.

Don’t miss a Reality Check! Sign up to receive it FREE in your inbox every week!

Do me a really quick favour? Click on this link and find “To Love, Honor and Vacuum”, and VOTE FOR ME! You can vote once a day! Thanks so much.

Related posts:

When the World Seems Ugly
What a Beautiful World
Are We the World?

Vote for Me Please!

Just a time out post to ask you to head on over here and vote for me in the Top 25 Mom Blogs contest. I delayed trying to get people to vote, so I’m only at like 70th right now or something! So let’s change it. I’d love to see a Christian blog up there! Just click, and then scroll down ’til you find me! And you can vote everyday…

Thank you!

(UPDATE: That was fast! It’s less than half an hour since I posted and now I’m at 25! Woo hoo! Keep the votes coming ).

Related posts:

Vote for To Love, Honor and Vacuum in Circle of Moms contest!
Neat Stuff You’ll Love
I’m in the Top 10 Christian Women Blogs!

The Pursuit of Cool Leaves One Lonely

Were you cool in high school? I wasn’t. I didn’t try to run with the popular crowd. I wasn’t interested in dating a ton of guys. I concentrated on school and my part-time jobs and just did my time until university.

But we all knew what “cool” was back then. It was kids who were trying to act older than they actually were, because people who were older had higher status. So kids who did “grown up” things like drink alcohol or sleep around were seen as cool, as long as they were also good-looking and semi-literate.

I don’t think cool has changed that much, and I don’t think Christians are immune to it. I think a lot of Christians are really trying to be sophisticated. Sure, they love God, and sure, they want to stay on the straight and narrow, but maybe our definition of “narrow” is too narrow. Maybe we need to be more “sophisticated”.

I was struck by this recently when looking at reviews on Amazon for the OTHER sex books that are out there. As most of you know, I recently wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. And one of the hardest chapters for me to write was the one on what is okay in a Christian marriage and what is not. Those who have been reading this blog for a long time already know my positions on things like sex toys or self-gratification or stretching the boundaries, but it’s still hard to write, because the Bible isn’t crystal clear. So I tried to find the spirit of the law: you do things that increase intimacy, not things that decrease intimacy. And things that stress only the physical side of sex, and never the spiritual connection, can really make our sex lives shallow.

I had thought that this was a fairly universal opinion, but in looking at the other books I was amazed at how many even recommended using erotica to help arousal. And these are Christians! Or how many other authors just simply ignored the whole “spiritual” intimacy aspect and only talked about the physical, because that’s supposed to be so much more sophisticated.

It’s not.

Then I also stumbled across Melissa Jenna’s post on “All The Good Ones Aren’t Taken“, written to single girls about how to attract a great Christian guy. And what she said really resonated with the same sort of thoughts. There’s a lot of pressure among everyone in the church, whether single or married, to have more “sophisticated” views when it comes to sex. Even if we don’t specifically say that premarital sex is okay, we somehow give the impression, “it’s not really so bad. Everyone’s doing it.”

And then all these women start watching Magic Mike or reading erotica because it’s all so grown up and sophisticated.

Okay, it may make you cool. It may make others think that you’re all grown up. And just like those authors found, it may even make you popular. But that’s not the route to true happiness.

Melissa addresses the single women who are falling for this objectification of sex in movies like Magic Mike, and says it’s no wonder they can’t find good Christian men. She explains:

If you allow an unworthy guy to define your value, do you know what your value will be? Zero. Nothing. Less than nothing. Disposable. And that’s exactly how I felt. And when you allow yourself to be treated as if you’re disposable, you begin to believe that you are disposable, so that when you do cross-paths with a really amazing, godly guy, you will not feel worthy of his affection. Not only that, but I’m convinced guys have a sixth-sense about this kind of thing; they can “smell” when a girl doesn’t value herself, and generally, they keep their distance. Like I said, the “good ones” are looking for the real-deal. Are you preparing yourself for that, or are you caught-up in pursuing guys who will ultimately treat you like you’re disposable?

Sophistication looks oh-so cool, but all it really means is that you’ve traded intimacy for what looks like easy popularity. You’ve gone along with the crowd, and you feel more mature and even more empowered, but really you’re heading in exactly the wrong direction. And whenever you find yourself traveling in the same direction as the crowd, chances are you’re involved in sin, not holiness. It’s really quite simple.

And her message, I think, applies to married women, too. If you trade intimacy for sophistication, which is what our culture is always trying to get us to do, you’re going to lose out on what is most precious.

Still 30% off at Amazon!

Yes, the physical side of sex is amazing, and yes, God made it to feel wonderful. Yes, we have incredible freedom in Christ. But as I’ve said so many times before, true intimacy doesn’t need latex and batteries. It doesn’t need pornography. It doesn’t need you to get aroused first by looking at something “sexy”. True intimacy focuses on your lover, not on something external. And that doesn’t mean that we’re sacrificing pleasure, either! In fact, the women who are most likely to reach orgasm are religious women who are married, the very ones least likely to do all of these things. It’s the relationship that makes the physical feel even better.

So if you’re single, don’t sell yourself short. The great guys are looking for the real deal; trying to be more “cool” or “sophisticated” isn’t the real deal. And if you’re married, don’t buy the lie that you’re somehow not enough, and you need all these extras. You don’t. I didn’t think this was controversial in Christian circles, but I guess it is, so let me say it loudly and clearly again: God made sex to be a beautifully intimate experience physically, and emotionally, and spiritually. If you neglect one, the others will never be as great.

Related posts:

Dear Young Christian Guys: Love Her Like a Man
Wifey Wednesday: Recovery from the Guilt of Your Sexual Past
Should We Really Wait for Marriage to Make Love?

Wifey Wednesday: Can Men Nag, Too?…And Other Questions About Nagging

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can comment on it or link up your own marriage posts below.

Nagging.

It’s one of the worst things a woman can do, we hear. It’s poison to a marriage. It’s annoying. It’s degrading. It’s pathetic.

The Bible speaks against it. Marriage books warn of it. In fact, everywhere women look we’re pretty much “nagged” not to nag!

On Saturday I posted a Reader Question with this scenario: the husband has diet-related health issues, yet refuses to change what he eats. The wife cooks healthy meals, and he complains and accuses her of nagging. What should she do?

One frustrated commenter wrote:

Question: why is it that when a wife said a husband to do something more than once, it is “nagging.”. If a husband does the same thing, the wife’s supposed to submit.

Another question: why are we so hung up on this stupid word “nag.”. I swear it is a sexist word people use to shut down a woman who has real thoughts, questions and concerns. Maybe we should focus on the disrespect, laziness, and disregard of the spouse ignoring his wife and shutting her down rather than just telling her not to be a nag. If I repeatedly left hubby’s tools laying around and he repeatedly told me to please put them away when done and I said, “quit nagging me. This is who I am,” all heck would break loose. If i repeatedly asked my husband to improve his health or pick up his socks, I’m a nag and should just let him be.

I think she has a point. We often do have double standards around this. And it isn’t healthy! So let’s look at at the truth about nagging:

1. Nagging Kills Intimacy

Proverbs 21:9 says:

Better to live on the corner of a roof than to share a house with a nagging wife.

Obviously, then, nagging is wrong. But what exactly is nagging?

2. Nagging Is Persistent

But what does nagging mean exactly? Here are a few definitions:

to annoy by persistent faultfinding, complaints, or demands.

Here’s another:

to find fault or complain in an irritating, wearisome, or relentless manner

The key words here, I think, are “persistent” and “relentless”. A good synonym may be “harp”: She’s always harping on me to put the laundry away! It’s something we do constantly, and we quite often know that we’re being annoying.

I know one couple who have been for just under a decade where it seems as if every word out of her mouth is a criticism. She often thinks it’s a joke: “He doesn’t even know how to change a diaper!”, or “when I’m sick everyone just starves because he can’t cook.” Her mouth is full of criticism, but I don’t know if she notices because she thinks it’s funny.  Yet as she talks I can see his posture getting worse and worse as he just sags. If he tries to do anything, she says, “oh, you don’t know how to chop right. Let me just do it. Why don’t you just watch the game? You know that’s all you want to do anyway.” And off she goes.

She doesn’t do this with animosity. She doesn’t sound angry. Just mildly exasperated. But if that were all you heard, day in and day out, wouldn’t it be exhausting? Interestingly, she’s not always even making new demands of him. She’s just constantly saying that he is inadequate. Nagging doesn’t mean that you’re always trying to get someone to do something specifically differently; sometimes it’s just a constant litany of faults.

3. Men Can Nag, Too!

A few years ago my husband and I used to go out to lunch with a number of couples every month. The ten of us would get together and enjoy a great time of conversation and fun.

But one thing that killed it for me was one of the husbands who would question his wife’s menu choices, warn her if she was eating too much, and kid her about her weight. She was on the bigger side, and he never let her forget it. It was humiliating to her, and horribly awkward for the rest of us. The men started joking with him about his faults to make him see that what he was doing was over the top, but he never quite got the message.

Yes, men can nag, too. Whenever one of us relentlessly criticizes our spouse, we’re nagging. It’s just that women are more likely to nag simply because we tend to use our words when we attack. Men may use the silent treatment, or may withdraw, or may react in anger. But women like to use our words because we tend to be more relational. So it isn’t only a female problem, it’s just that we’re more susceptible to it!

4. Pointing Out Shortfalls Is Not Always (Or Even Usually) Nagging

Constantly critcizing, though, is not the same as occasionally bringing up a big issue for discussion.

Look, we all have areas we can grow in in our marriages. None of us is perfect. And if you have a problem in your relationship, it honestly is okay to share that and talk to your husband about it. That isn’t nagging. Discussing an issue is fine; constantly and relentlessly telling him that he is inadequate, or that he is failing, or that he hasn’t done his job, isn’t. Nagging attacks the character of a person–”he’s so lazy!”. Discussion, on the other hand, looks at an issue–”I feel as if we’re not connecting”. They aren’t the same thing.

Nevertheless, I have had some frustrated women say to me, “my husband never spends any time with the kids! I’ve tried to bring this up gently, when we’re in a good mood, and he just yells at me for nagging him and shuts down the conversation completely. He doesn’t listen”

If your husband calls it nagging the first time you bring up an issue, if you bring it up with goodwill, without slandering his character, then that’s a cop out. When men don’t want to deal with problems, they often label it “nagging” so that the blame can be transferred to the woman. I have seen women do something similar, too! Some women who want to get out of a marriage label their husband’s yelling or anger as “abuse” because it gives them the upper hand (this is not to say there isn’t abuse! It’s just that I have had friends leave their “abusive” husbands who then turned around and gave those husbands joint, or even majority custody, of the kids who were supposedly subject to this “abuse”. But calling yelling “abuse” gave them Christian cover to divorce).

So if you have an issue, you can certainly talk about it without it constituting nagging, like this:

Bring it up once or twice and have a big talk about it. You don’t say it in anger; you talk about it because you want to increase intimacy in your relationship.
Talk up the things that you love and appreciate about him, too.
Work on your friendship to build goodwill so that you can communicate about issues better, but also so that issues don’t seem bigger than they are. When we laugh with each other, problems often lose some of their potency.
Decide whether or not to drop the issue. Some things we just have to live with. You realize you can’t change it, and if you’re not going to leave the marriage over it, then you accept it.
If it’s an issue that may endanger the marriage or the family (like chronic pornography use, major debt, addiction, or withholding sex), recruit help. Talk to a pastor, or a counselor, or a mentor about what to do.
Go to God for your peace and your sense of security.

Sometimes we have to live in a marriage that isn’t ideal. He does something that we wish he would change. That’s just life! But hopefully if you’ve taken these steps, you won’t resort to nagging, and both of you may find more peace.

Note: one thing that people email me about a lot is what to do if your husband doesn’t want sex. Is it nagging if you ask him about it a lot? That’s a tough one, and I deal with it in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. I’d say that if this is a chronic problem, you really need to see a counselor, and so does he. But if you can keep the communication channels open, maybe you can at least agree on what a minimum number of times a month is okay. But I know that’s hard when you want to feel wanted, and you don’t. I’ll write more about this soon!

Now, do you have anything to share with us about marriage? Just link up a post in the linky below!

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: My Husband Never Wants to Spend Time with Me
Wifey Wednesday: Helping Your Husband Feel Strong
Wifey Wednesday: When His Habits Drive You Nuts

A Little Fun for Fall

I woke up at 4:30 this morning.

It wasn’t fun. But I’m filling in on our local Christian radio station’s morning show, so I’m co-hosting from 6-9. And I am not a morning person!

Nevertheless, I trudged off to UCB Canada this morning (and yesterday morning) and Timmy Boyle and I had a great time. I felt a little bit like Les Nessman trying to figure out the weather, though. All we did was go on various news sites to see the current temperature. But if the temperature was 3 degrees Celsius at 6, and it’s now 6:50, you kinda figure that it had warmed up a bit. So we fudged the numbers. Shhhhh. Don’t tell anyone. Industry secrets and all.

Funniest thing that happened to us yesterday–Tim was asking me on air about a bunch of their discussion topics from the week before. And one of them was canning. Do I can fruits and vegetables? No. But I used to! But I threw in, “hey, if any listeners have any homemade salsa they want to throw my way, I’m open.”

Half an hour later the studio’s doorbell rang. A listener brought salsa.

So Tim decided to go for gold. He announced on air that we had salsa, but we needed chips. And sure enough, right before 9 we received chips as well. Listeners are awesome!

But that’s not all the weird stuff that’s going on in my life…

I’ve just finished writing a group Bible study for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. Didn’t think it could work as a study? Well, it can! I’ve included lots of passages to look up and discuss how they relate, and lots of discussion points (where you can talk WITHOUT having to reveal too much about your hubby or bad mouth him in any way). I hope to have it available for you soon!

Also, when I announced this on my Facebook Page (have you joined us over there yet? If not, head on over!), a number of commenters said they’d like an online study. Would you like one? If so, leave a comment and tell me what time works best: weekday afternoons? Evenings? Weekends?

I’m also getting an ebook version of my 29 Days to Great Sex Challenge ready–but it’s going to be 31 Days! It will also have about 5 extra challenges, because I’m taking out the “pep talks” I had to do throughout the 29 days and just turning them into “time outs” rather than specific days. And I’ll have challenges for the guys, too, so it’s not only directed at you! I’m going to have that ready soon, and you’ll be able to use it as a stocking stuffer for Christmas for your husband as well. If you want to be notified when it’s ready, you can sign up here, or just look for announcements on the blog.

One more thing about the blog: some of you who also blog may know that Feedburner, which delivers all the blog posts by email for those who subscribe, has gone really wonky this week. It’s dropped all subscriber stats to 0 (even though I know I have 5000+). So can you all do me a favour? If you read me in an RSS reader, or by email, can you just leave me a comment and let me know if you’re still getting updates? I hate worrying about it. And if GOOGLE DOESN’T FIX THIS FAST (do you hear this, Google?), I’ll probably migrate over to another service. But you all won’t have to change anything. Your subscriptions will still be fine.

Okay, another snippet about life. I had a horrible cold last week. I only get horribly sick about once or twice a year, and this was the worst I’ve been in a few years I’m sure. I couldn’t even use the computer for a few days. And you know that horrible moment when all the Kleenex is gone and you realize that all you have is cheap toilet paper and paper towels? Yeah, so do I.

But what do you do when you’re sick? Do you go sleep in a different room? My hubby and I were both sick and I just bailed for four days. I find when I’m sick I’m so restless, and when I’m worried about bugging him then I can’t sleep. Thankfully I felt much better yesterday morning before I had to go in and fill in at the radio station. But I hate being sick!

Okay, last thing: yesterday my daughter worked nine hours at the YMCA, where she lifeguards, teaches swimming, and teaches aquafit. She spends part of her day talking with seniors and teaching them in the pool, and then the other part teaching kids. She just loves her job. Can I take a moment and say how proud I am of her? I think it’s awesome that she’s serving such a wide variety of ages, and enjoying every minute of it. Lifeguarding pays quite well as far as teenage jobs go. It may take a lot of training, but I think it’s worth it. And jobs when you’re a teen can teach you so many life skills!

Where did you work as a teen? Let me know!

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