Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 254

Reader Question of the Week: Are We Captivating our Husbands or Competing for Them?

Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week, a reader asks a straight-forward question about our role as wives.

I do believe we are to love our spouses, have fun with them and do things with and for them….otherwise it wouldn’t be a relationship. I do agree that deprivation can place temptation in their way, and I don’t mean sexual either. I’ve been deprived sexually and turned to porn and masturbation. I’ve been deprived emotionally and started noticing that I was because enthralled with other men who paid me attention. I get all that.

I’m sure most women want their husband to be captivated by them. They want their husband too have eyes only for them, to go to them, search them out, woo them, pursue them, love them, die for them.

Life’s been hard for us these past few years what with hubby being away for his job training a lot, new babies, illnesses, financial problems, etc. We’re finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and starting to reconnect and I am starting to make a concerted effort to be more captivating for my husband.

The problem is, in my mind, there’s a fine line between being captivating and just competing for his attention.

If my husband notices young women, for instance, and I see him looking, am I supposed to just try to be prettier than them? If I know he’s tempted by porn, how am I supposed to compete with that?

When I exercise, watch what I eat, fix my hair up, dress up, etc etc etc….am I trying to captivate my husband or am I competing with the girls in Maxim? When I cook him his favorite dinner and serve him hand and foot….when sex him up in the bedroom….is it captivation or competition?

Are we wives supposed to be in competition or are we supposed to be in a league of our own? Why does everything feel like competition? Why do so many women feel like they have to constantly get their husband’s attention back from wherever it wandered instead of him looking for and being captivated by her?

What do you think–competition, captivation or something else?

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: What Should This Frustrated Husband Do?
Reader Question of the Week: Wait, He’s Watching THAT?
Reader Question of the Week: Video Games are Stealing My Husband

When Moms are Tempted to Despair

Last month I went to the Allume blogging conference, where I met so many amazing Christian women bloggers, including Brooke McGlothlin, founder of the MOB Society (Mothers of Boys). She’s guest posting today, sharing her not-so-great Thanksgiving memories–and telling us what God taught her through that.

They marched home in hope of rest, and reuniting with their families. Beaten, bruised, battered emotionally and physically from the journey, David and his Mighty Men looked forward to the familiar, loving faces that awaited them in Ziklag, but they found something entirely different.

Left unguarded, unprotected and vulnerable to attack while David pursued matters of war, their families had been raided by the Amalekites, and the city of Ziklag burned to the ground. Their wives and children, including David’s two wives, had been taken captive—perhaps to sell into slavery, perhaps to abuse in some other way—we aren’t told, but stolen from them nonetheless. Gone.

And the same David who boldly challenged and defeated a giant, together with his band of rag-tag warriors, “lifted their voices and wept until they had no more strength to weep.” (1 Samuel 30:4).

Last Thanksgiving I prepared a day of wonderful education and hands-on experience for my boys. As a homeschooling family, we’re always looking for ways to make the calendar come alive, and it had occurred to me that my boys, then six and four, had never really learned the story of Thanksgiving. I decided it was time for that to change.

I spent hours at my local bookstore picking out just the right books to communicate the message of Thanksgiving I wanted them to remember. I scoured the internet looking for an audio book of the story of Squanto the Indian because my oldest loves learning about Native Americans. I painstakingly cut a Thanksgiving Tree from brown craft paper, and decorated its branches with colored leaves made from outlines of my precious sons’ hands, each one marked with something they were thankful for that day.

It was shaping up to be a wonderful success…except that it wasn’t.

In reality, I spent most of Thanksgiving Day sobbing—and possibly slightly hysterical—because I couldn’t believe my sons could still be so selfish, ungrateful, and yes, thankless, after all I’d done to serve them throughout the month.

I may have yelled. And screamed. And wept. And threatened. And shook with anger over their petty arguments that were making our “celebration” a smashing…well…failure.

More than just irrational, I was actually hurt by my children’s reaction to the day. I felt beaten down by their attitudes, and at one point literally curled away from everyone in the passenger seat of our SUV in something reminicent of the fetal position. I had worked hard, and was battle-torn from the journey of motherhood. What I planned to find in my home for Thanksgiving was a family that loved, respected, and took care of each other well. I hoped to enjoy the Holidays after a season of intense loss and grief. What I found was something totally different.

I have to admit, it felt a little like coming home to a smoldering city. Like David and his Mighty Men, I wept until I had no more strength to weep.

It wasn’t the first time my boys drove me to tears, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. I bet you can relate?

Weariness, and maybe even a little bit of despair now and again, are a normal part of a mom’s life. Children will disobey. Siblings will fight and terrorize each other every now and again. Holidays we meant to be so special will turn out more like nightmares. And the best laid plans of mice and men . . .

So how do we deal with the weariness if it’s a normal thing?

I think we can take a cue from David and his Mighty Men.

In the face of major disaster, namely his men wanting to stone him for failing to keep their families safe, David could have despaired. I mean seriously, if ever there was a good time to despair, it was in finding out your wives had been abducted along with the wives and children of a bunch of tired, hungry, scruffy men! But David didn’t do that. Instead, ” . . . David strengthened himself in the Lord his God . . . [and] inquired of the Lord, ‘Shall I pursue after this band? Shall I overtake them?’” (1 Samuel 30:6b &8a)

Yes, David could have surrendered all he had worked for in that moment, everything he believed about the call of God on his life, and even turned his back on that same God who seemed to have failed him, failed to keep his family safe. But he didn’t. He chose instead to turn to God in worship and prayer, begging God to show him what to do.

Just the other day, after yet another tough day at the McGlothlin Home for Boys, I found myself in my prayer chair doing much the same thing. My heart cried out something like, “Lord, shall I continue to pursue after this band of crazy heathen boys? Will I ever overtake them? Ever see victory in their lives?”

During that moment of heartfelt prayer, God led me to this story in 1 Samuel 30 and reminded me that He is the one truly in charge of their lives. My job is simply to pursue them, cry out to God in prayer on their behalf, and worship God.

Period. If there’s any victory, it will be His, not mine.

“He answered [David], ‘Pursue, for you shall surely overtake, and shall surely rescue.’” (1 Samuel 30:8b)

God was faithful to David, and even gave him the victory. But I believe the greater victory is what happened in David’s heart as he poured it out in prayer and praise to his God.

His heart was strengthened, and he believed.

It works that way for me too. A humble heart, combined with prayer and worship always equals strength to keep going.

Try that equation on for size and see if God doesn’t meet you every single time.

Brooke McGlothlin is the author of Hope for the Weary Mom: Where God Meets You in Your Mess, and Co-Founder of the MOB Society, an online community FOR moms of boys, BY moms of boys.

If you’d like to win a copy of Hope for the Weary Mom, just sign up in the Rafflecopter below!

Here’s how it works: you get a point just for entering. But if you also do some of the things mentioned there (like follow Brooke on twitter), you get extra “entries”, and then you’re more likely to win!

Rafflecopter will pick a random winner for me on Monday night at midnight EST. Good luck!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Related posts:

When I Find it Hard to Pray as a Family….
How Times Change
Don’t Make Me Come Up There!

Grateful Perspective

This Thanksgiving, as families crowd around the table fighting for more of Grandma’s turkey and gravy, let’s take some time to remember the things we have to be grateful for.

As for me, I’m grateful for this extraordinarily odd life we share. Think about it this way: everyone reading this column is richer than Henry VIII. King of England in the 1500s, he was wealthier than anyone else of his time. But he did not have Advil. Or central heating. Or hot showers, or antibiotics, or even anesthetic  And anesthetic is good. Very, very good. He may have had a myriad of people waiting on him hand and foot, but he didn’t have many of the things that we take for granted.

But it’s not just because we live in 2012 that we have these luxuries. It’s also because we live in Canada. After traveling in Africa and even southern Europe, I am very grateful for our wide, clean, paved roads. I love our big supermarkets. I love our freedoms. We have it good.

And as the clock is ticking ever more loudly counting down the time I still have with my daughters at home, I’m very grateful for the memories we’ve made.  It’s so easy in the busy-ness of life to forget that the wonderful chaos we share now will not always be there. One day the house will be quiet, the fridge will stay full, and the living room will stay much neater. As my daughters grow older, I’m starting to appreciate the chaos all the more.

Speaking of family, I’m thankful for second chances. Even when we face disappointments in life, and people betray or abandon us, that pain does not have to taint the rest of our lives. A little love, a little commitment, and a little dose of selflessness can create a rock solid family bond, no matter where you came from.

I’m grateful that despite the ugliness and violence and depravity that we see on the news and on reality shows, the vast majority of people actually tend to do the right thing. Sure Jersey Shore may make it look like the younger generation has lost all moral grounding, and the riots in the Middle East make the future look grim, but on the whole, in small, day-to-day decisions, people tend to choose well. It’s actually quite amazing.

I’m grateful to live in a small town, where I can’t go to the grocery store without running into someone that I know. Some find that stifling; I find it comforting. After growing up in Toronto and feeling insignificant, I finally have a home.

I’m grateful for my left knee. I complain to no end about my right knee, which seems intent on driving me to an early date with a surgeon. But every time my right knee acts up, it reminds me that my left knee is perfectly lovely, thank you very much. So are my hips, and my elbows, and my shoulders. And as I hit my forties and my eyes start to squint whenever a medicine bottle come near, I’m grateful that they’re also compensating by helping me see distances better. Aging is not all bad.

I’m grateful for hair dye. There is nothing quite as fun to a woman as changing the colour of her hair to match her mood. Or the seasons. Or just a whim.

I’m grateful for friends who keep me grounded, for a husband who keeps me feeling secure, and for kids who keep me laughing. And I’m grateful for a holiday to remind us of all of these things.

Related posts:

The Santa Dilemma
Thursday: Thirteen Blessings!
Complaint Free Week Day 2: Attitude of Gratitude

Is Your Bedroom Inviting?

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can comment, or put the URL to your own marriage post into the linky below.

I know several hundred of my readers are currently working through The 31 Days to Great Sex, my new ebook looking at how we can build a fun, intimate marriage. And one of the things you’ll find when you get to the end of the month is a series of challenges on how to set up your life so that intimacy becomes easier and more natural, with fewer roadblocks. And one of those roadblocks may very well be our bedroom.

When my two daughters were babies our family was living in a tiny two-bedroom apartment. Our computer was in our bedroom. Our duvet was old and rather ugly. In fact, everything in that room was old and rather ugly.

One winter, after a particularly grueling year during which we were grieving the loss of our little boy, we decided to head south for a vacation and recoup. When we came home, my mother and a friend had redone our bedroom, with new bedding, plump new pillows, and a new lamp.

Unfortunately, they couldn’t move the computer and all the excess stuff out of our room, but even the small effort they made created such a transformation. When I walked into our bedroom I wasn’t depressed anymore. I was happy!

When you walk into your bedroom, do you feel like it’s a haven, or do you feel like it’s a dive? If your dresser is covered with old VISA receipts, if craft boxes are stacked up in a corner, if your bedding is threadbare and ugly and your pillows are lumpy, then climbing into bed isn’t fun. And if you figure your bed is the best place to fold laundry—it’s so big, and just the right height!—but then that laundry never gets put away, and every night you sweep it onto the floor again, then jumping into bed isn’t going to seem stress free.

We tend to make it a priority to keep the kitchen and living room clean, because that’s what other people see when they come into our homes (though, if we’re honest, many of us rarely have company). But the bedroom is just for us, so if it’s a mess, no one ever sees it.

And so the bedroom is often last on our list.

I think our priorities are wrong. I think the bedroom should be one of the first places we decorate–before the baby’s room, before the kitchen, before the living room. A baby doesn’t know the difference if the room is filled with boxes or if it’s straight out of Homes & Gardens. You, on the other hand, do. And if you’re going to nurture your marriage, you need to have a room that you feel is a haven.

Don’t put a TV in there so you’re mindlessly watching CSI instead of talking at night. Don’t bring work there. And don’t bring all your excess boxes in there (unless you honestly can’t help it, like we couldn’t in our tiny apartment).

Christmas is almost upon us, and can I make a suggestion? Why not get together with your husband and plan to buy something for the bedroom this year that will make your bedroom inviting. Maybe it’s a luxurious duvet, or some new bedding. Maybe it’s some luscious pillows. Something that screams “luxury” and romance to you. And if you don’t have the money yet, that’s okay. Just set up a savings jar where you put change in and spare dollar bills. Set up a Pinterest board of bedrooms that say “haven” to you. And nurture your marriage!

It’s easy to forget about ourselves at Christmas and focus mostly on the kids. But children will forget what they got for Christmas when they were 8, or 9, or 11. They will never forget the love that you and your husband shared. What kids need, more than anything else, is to feel as if you and your husband are rock solid. It’s okay to invest in your marriage!

Browse some luxurious bedding at Frette.com! They have wonderful duvets and sheet sets. Maybe this is what you need to ask for for Christmas.

Now, what do you have for us today? Leave a link to the URL of your marriage post in the linky below!

This post is a sponsored post. The links are sponsored–the thoughts are 100% my own. I take sponsored posts to help offset the cost of this blog (which is getting very expensive to run!). But I only accept posts that I are in line with what I was already planning on writing.

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: What Your Bedroom Says About You
Wifey Wednesday: Keeping Your Bedroom For YOU!
Double, Queen or King?

Stepping Outside My Bubble and Telling the World About Marriage

I love Diet Pepsi.

I’m slightly an addict. I make myself wait until 11:30 everyday before I crack one open, and I limit myself to one. But by 10:45 I’m watching the clock.

I know I can live without it because when I’ve been on missions trips that are three weeks long, I’ve gone without. But it doesn’t stop the craving at home.

Why do I drink it? I don’t like coffee (I’ve tried every permutation available), but I love the caffeine. So this is my caffeine delivery method of choice. I know it’s bad for me: both the caffeine and the aspartame are horrendous. And I know one day I’ll have to stop. But for now it’s a short cut to get me what I want: namely energy.

I used that analogy last week in an unlikely place. I was asked at the last moment to be The Huffington Post Live webinar discussing 50 Shades of Divorce–or whether or not reading 50 Shades of Grey is good for your marriage. They had four guests on–three were apparently pro-50 Shades, and then little ole’ me.

I was quite nervous going into the segment. It’s one thing to talk about all of this stuff on the blog; it’s another thing entirely to go on a huge website and talk LIVE about it, surrounded by people who totally don’t agree with what you’re saying. I said to my kids, “I guess I’m just nervous about looking like a fool,” to which they replied, “You’re a Christian. You’re supposed to look like a fool.” I raised them well.

It turns out that it wasn’t nearly as antagonistic as I feared. The host was very fair, and actually asked me a number of direct questions (and even showed a screenshot of my blog! It turns out that the reason they asked me was because of this post I wrote a while back: Why 50 Shades of Grey is Bad for Your Marriage). And one of the other guests had read it but thought it was gross, and so she wasn’t exactly pro-50 Shades.

The marriage counselor they had on, though, kept saying things like, “isn’t it wonderful how couples are getting different things out of the book? Some love it and some hate it, but they’re communicating! And that’s the main thing. Couples need to find what they’re comfortable with.”

It was kinda wishy washy. I know what she was saying was that communication matters so much, and couples just need to find their own equilibrium. But this idea that there is nothing that is wrong unless you think it is wrong grates on me.

And then I picked up my Diet Pepsi can, and tried to explain my main point.

“I know this is bad for me in the long run, but I’m looking for a quick fix. And that’s what couples do with erotica and porn. It’s bad for them in the long run, but they’re looking for a short-cut to arousal. And while it may work to get them aroused, it isn’t building intimacy. They’re turned on by porn, not by their spouse. And ultimately that hinders intimacy.”

Okay, I didn’t say it that well. But that was my point.

Unfortunately it seemed like the last word was the marriage counselor’s, who said, “porn is great! If both parties like it, it’s great. If one doesn’t like it, you shouldn’t use it.” She was a really nice woman, and we exchanged some wonderful pleasantries beforehand. But I just don’t agree with her here.

Porn isn’t great. It wrecks marriages. And we deceive ourselves if we think otherwise.

If you want to see the webinar (it was about 25 minutes long) it’s right here.

Overall, it was a neat experience. I told the producers if they ever needed a counter cultural voice again to call me.

Meanwhile, I received a note through my Facebook Page last week that said this:

I just wanted to send you this message to say THANK-YOU. You’re books and blogs help my marriage in so many ways and my husband and I are already seeing the benefits

I also wanted to add that I am not a religious person and that you have still helped me and my family in many many ways.

I really hope that even non religious and those with opposing religious beliefs, who find themselves in need of advice for their marriage come across your wonderful words of wisdom because although some parts may not be of everyone’s beliefs, I think a true understanding of the sexes needs to be established before any real changes can be made and seen in a marriage and this is something you have given me, and for that I am extremely grateful.

Thank-you so much. I look forward to reading many many more of your books and blog.

That absolutely made my day. I think what I say is timeless, because God’s truth is truth, even if you aren’t religious. I believe God created us, and so what He has to say about the sexes is true. And it should ring true even if you don’t believe in God. Obviously that’s what this woman found.

Those two episodes together have really given me a nudge to think that perhaps I “preach to the choir” too much. That doesn’t mean I’m going to change this blog; not at all. But maybe I need to stop being so scared to step out of my Christian blogging bubble and start writing guest posts on secular sites. Maybe I need to approach the secular media more. My agent’s always saying that, but I’ve been hesitant. But like my kids said, I’m supposed to look like a fool.

But this truth is timeless:

And it needs to get out there.

Any thoughts?

P.S.: For those of you who were part of my Facebook chat on 31 Days to Great Sex last night, thanks so much! That was a ton of fun! And don’t forget my Twitter party tonight, 10 pm EST, #31DaysFun!

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: 50 Shades of Grey is Bad for Your Marriage
Fifty Shades of Grey Replaces the Bible
Where To Find Specific Marriage Advice

Facebook Parties, Twitter Parties, and More!

Hi everyone! I hope you had a wonderful weekend.

My husband and I went out birding, our new geeky hobby. Yesterday we saw a snowy owl, a barred owl, a tundra swan, and a brown creeper, which were all new species to us. If you’re not into birding, no worries. But I just love the chance to get outdoors and walk with my hubby! We made our kids come along to see the snowy owl, and we brought a 10-year-old boy who’s a friend of the family, so it was a fun family day.

And now I’m back and getting ready for the PARTY that’s going to be happening this week, and I want to tell you all about it.

As most of you know, last week I published my new ebook The 31 Days to Great Sex, a fun challenge that you can work through with your husband to help you grow your communication, your intimacy, and your fireworks! It focuses on how to build emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy in the bedroom, and gives you a chance to talk about some of these important issues.

I was quite overwhelmed by the response to it; thank you so much! I actually got up to #2 in the marriage category on Amazon this weekend.

And so I’d like to offer you some other ways to interact.

Facebook Party, 9 pm EST Monday night

Tonight at 9 pm EST I’ll be over on my Facebook Page hosting a big party! And how does a party work on Facebook? Well, it’s going to happen in the “Forum” section, which I’ve added right here:

You just click that Forum page, and there will be a number of different discussions going on at the same time (and I’ll try to monitor all of them. Whew!). Some will have video introductions from me, and some will just be questions.

And what will the forum topics be? That’s where you come in! Just leave a comment (anonymously if you want) in this post and tell me what you want to ask, and I’ll try to get as many of them up there as I can. Have questions you’ve been dying to ask me? Here’s your chance!

If you all come by at 9:00 pm EST, then we can chat and discuss things in real time! So come on by at 9 pm EST. You’ll have to join the Facebook Page to comment, but it’s easy after that.

Twitter Party, 10 pm EST Tuesday night

Then tomorrow night, for those of you who are on Twitter, I’ll be hosting a Twitter party at 10 pm EST, with the hashtag [image error]. What does a hashtag mean? If you use something like Tweetdeck for Twitter, you can create a column based on the search term #31DaysFun, and then everyone’s posts will show up there in real time! I’ve done these before and they’re a lot of fun. So if you’re on Twitter, come join me!

You can also follow it in real time through TweetChat, which is specifically designed to let you follow certain Twitter memes.

Pin it To Win It, all week

Finally, I know how many of you love Pinterest (as do I!). Here’s a fun little thing where you can “Pin it to Win It”!

Simply go to this post:

31 Days to Great Sex is here

And hit the Pin it button at the bottom.

Choose the book cover image. Then pin it to one of your boards with your own comments, something like “Change your marriage for only $5!”, or “31 Days to Great Sex is awesome!”, or whatever you’d like.

I can then go in and see everyone who has pinned that page. And on Friday at 11 pm EST I’ll count how many pinners have pinned, and then I’ll pick a random number from random.org and I’ll choose 3 winners to win a .pdf copy of the 31 Days to Great Sex! And if you’ve already purchased a copy, then you’ll instead get a copy of my Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. Already have both of those? I’ll give you an Amazon gift card for $20!

And if you’ve already pinned it (as quite a few of you have), you’re already entered!

So go Pin it to Win it! It takes about 30 seconds.

I hope some of those work for you! And if you’re more a blog person, I’ll be guest posting on a ton of different blogs all week. So keep stopping by for an update as to where you should go to read more, and for your chance to win!

And don’t forget–you can get your own copy of The 31 Days to Great Sex, and get your own marriage moving in the right direction, right here. It only costs $5 for a profound impact on your marriage!

 

Related posts:

Pinterest, Facebook, and Spreading the News!
29 Days to Great Sex Day 4: Pucker Up!
Neat Stuff You’ll Love

Reader Question of the Week: Video Games are Stealing My Husband

Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week, a reader asks what to do when video games are interfering with intimacy with her husband.

My husband used to have a high sex drive, but ever since we had our baby he just plays World of Warcraft all the time. He’s either playing his game or going to work. We have sex maybe once a month, and when we do it’s all about him just meeting his needs. What do I do?

What would you recommend to her that will help?  

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: My Husband Stays Up So Much Later than I do
Reader Question of the Week: Wait, He’s Watching THAT?
Reader Question of the Week: What Should This Frustrated Husband Do?

Why Honesty Matters: Encouragement for Those Beginning Your 31 Days…

A whole bunch of you bought the 31 Days to Great Sex yesterday! Thank you so much. You catapulted me up to #2 in marriage on the Kindle, which is super cool.

A number of you have commented or sent emails about the first day challenge, and so I thought I’d write a bit of an encouragement for you, and for those of you who may not have the book yet, but who can still glean from it.

The 31 Days to Great Sex is designed to be cumulative: you start with some basic relationship stuff, and then you build from there. It’s not “31 Days of Sex Tricks” at all–though there are posts later in the month on how to make it feel wonderful. And that’s because sex is so much more than just a physical experience. It’s supposed to be intimate physically, yes, but also emotionally and spiritually.

Usually when our sex life is blah it isn’t because there’s anything wrong with us physically (though that can be the case). It’s more likely that we’re not connecting emotionally, or we haven’t figured out how to communicate what we really want, or someone’s being selfish. It’s a relationship issue, not a sexual issue.

And so the first day of the 31 Days of Great Sex is a “take stock” day. Talk about what you want out of your sex life, and discuss where you think you are now.

For some people that’s an eye opener. One of you may have thought your sex life is great, while the other one felt like there’s something major missing.

Talking about stuff like this is so hard. That’s why we rarely do it!

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That doesn’t mean we should say hurtful things; obviously we should take care to say the truth in love, which is one of the things that 31 Days to Great Sex helps you through. When you have something guiding your discussion, it’s sometimes not as scary.

I loved this comment last year on the 29 Days to Great Sex:

Wow – we haven’t talked like that in so long. It was amazing. Although we have a long way to go, thank you for making it possible for us to open the lines of communication.

That’s what it’s all about: starting real, authentic communication. Sex, or, for that matter, any part of our marriage, won’t work well if we’re not honest and vulnerable. We need to open up.

So if you’re doing the 31 Days to Great Sex, take a deep breath and talk honestly, even if it’s a little difficult and you’re a little shy.

And if you’re not going through the book right now, let me encourage you, too:

If there’s something big between you and your husband, work this weekend to find a low-key, low-stress way to sit down and talk about it. Honesty is always the best policy!

Related posts:

29 Days to Great Sex Day 28: Is Selfishness Undermining Intimacy?
29 Days to Great Sex Day 12: If You’re Having a Hard Time
29 Days to Great Sex Day 20: Deciding Your Boundaries

A Contagious Smile

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s column is about how we mirror those we spend time with and how smiling is contagious.

Last week, as I was driving home from a Remembrance Day service, I saw a house with a Christmas tree proudly perched in the bay window. Christmas. In November.

My first instinct was to get grumpy. I hadn’t planned on thinking about Christmas until the slush hit and the malls became impenetrable. But then it occurred to me, if this family has their Christmas tree up this early, they must really love Christmas. They must be excited, and happy, and ready to spread the cheer. Perhaps we need more of those kinds of people.

A little excitement and happiness is awfully contagious. When I’m barreling into a store, and someone holds the door open, smiles and offers, “Have a great day!” it makes me smile, too.

This wouldn’t surprise psychologists, who know that our social interactions are largely influenced by “mirror neurons” in the brain. These neurons stimulate what the other person is feeling. If we see someone smiling, our mirror neurons will stimulate us towards happiness, and then we’ll smile back.

You’ve probably noticed this already when it comes to yawning. Yawning is actually the most contagious thing in the world, scientists say. Even the fact that you read the word “yawn” in this column is probably making you want to yawn. Many of you already have.

Smiling isn’t quite as contagious, but it is on the same plane. It seems that we humans are hard-wired for empathy, and so unconsciously we like to mimic those we’re with in order to produce a closer bond.

If we naturally mimic people, then, it’s probably best to hang out with people who are worth mimicking. Find positive people, not negative people. When I talk with someone for an hour or two about everything that’s wrong with everyone else, I leave that conversation rather critical. When I talk for an hour or two with someone who’s enthusiastic about life, I tend to pick up on their enthusiasm.

I know none of this is absolute. We are not automaton followers, and we can choose what to feel and not feel. But that takes a lot of mental effort. If much of what actually affects us is at the subconscious level, then if we want to be happy people, we should surround ourselves with happy people.

That friend who wears you down because she’s always complaining about her job, and her kids, and her man? Find a new friend. That relative who calls you to tell you everything that’s wrong with everyone else in the family? Get call display. And that movie that everyone says is great, but leaves you feeling like you need to take a shower afterwards? Find another hobby.

We need to watch who and what we let influence us. But what’s really interesting is that we can start that chain in motion ourselves. If we smile and say positive things, others will respond. Instead of participating in a “here’s all the ways men are useless” conversation, for instance, you could launch your own “here’s what I love about guys.” Or instead of joining the “here’s why society is going downhill”, you could start, “here’s what I really love about kids these days.” Maybe if we started noticing the positive, rather than the negative, we’d start a chain of gratitude.

If you happen to be one who puts the Christmas decorations up early, then, I promise to stop being grumpy and just to smile with you. You’re enthusiastic, and that’s contagious. And I’d so much rather people spread excitement than cynicism.

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Related posts:

What Are You NOT Doing This Christmas?
Presents for Adults
Taking Back Control

31 Days to Great Sex Is Here!

It’s here!

And it’s sure to bring fireworks and intimacy to your marriage!

Do you yearn to feel truly intimate with your spouse? Do you wish that you enjoyed a sex life that was ALIVE, rather than one that was rather dull? Do you have this overwhelming feeling like you’re missing out on something–that God had so much more planned for your marriage, but you can’t quite figure out how to get there?

31 Days to Great Sex is for you!

Buy it in .pdf form (that you can read on a computer, ereader, or print out)

Buy it on Kindle

Eight months ago that I finished my 29 Days to Great Sex series, leading up to the launch of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.

Remember this?

And this?

Those posts were pinned a ton, and I’ve had so much traffic from them! And over and over again, people asked me, “when are you going to put this into a book?“

I finally did.

Here’s what you get:

The first few days are devoted to seeing sex in a positive way, and talking through your baggage and insecurities.
Then we spend a few days on building emotional intimacy (your friendship),
a few days on building physical intimacy (the fireworks, making sex feel wonderful!),
a few days on spiritual intimacy (the oneness), and
a few days putting habits in place so that you can keep the momentum going once you’re done.

Sex is so important in a marriage, and yet often we lose hope. It becomes blah. We wonder if we can ever recapture that spark–or if we can ever light that spark in the first place.

This series takes you step by step in the process of building a fun and intimate sex life. It doesn’t only focus on the mechanics of sex–though there certainly are posts that will help you in that department. It also focuses on building friendship, experiencing real intimacy, and learning to have fun again.

Any two bodies can work together sexually. When we have problems in the bedroom, it’s often not because of our bodies. It’s usually because we aren’t communicating well, or we feel distant from each other, or we’re just nervous. The big benefit of this 31 days is that you’ll actually TALK and communicate about this important part of your life. Talking about it is difficult to do, but the prompts and the posts make it much easier. That’s often when breakthroughs happen!

Who will benefit from this book?

Newlyweds who want to start off well!
Couples for whom life has become blah and too routine
Couples who have almost given up hope that sex can become great
Couples in conflict because one spouse wants sex more frequently than the other

In other words–just about every married couple. In fact–true confession here–my husband made me promise this weekend that WE’D work the 31 days through starting after his next round of call at the hospital. It doesn’t matter where you are in your marriage, the 31 Days to Great Sex will help you talk about sex more, think about intimacy more, and feel much closer together.

How does it work?

Each day has a topic, like “Embracing the Skin She’s In”, “Hitting the Reset Button on your Sex Life”, or “How Do You Decide Your Sexual Boundaries?” There’s a short write-up you read together, and then there’s a challenge for you to do, often containing some conversation prompts. And yes–there’s plenty in there about how to make sex feel great, too.

If you’re looking for a fabulous but inexpensive gift to give your husband at Christmas, the book contains a link to some coupons you can download to stick in his stocking, announcing what you have planned.

Buy it in .pdf form (that you can read on a computer, ereader, or print out)

Buy it on Kindle

(I’ll have other options available soon)

I was simply overwhelmed last February by the emails I had from you readers. Here are just a taste:

I have been amazed at the transformation in myself over the last 29 days.  I can’t imagine a bigger sceptic than me going in…it was truly only my desire to walk in obedience that got me started and kept me going.  But now my husband and I “joke” that we had more sex in Feb 2012 than in all 2009.  Thank you for changing the way I think about sex.

I asked hubby to do this 29 days with me. He jumped at the chance – because he knows how much of a struggle this is with me. And tonight we started.

Wow – we haven’t talked like that in so long. It was amazing. Although we have a long way to go, thank you for making it possible for us to open the lines of communication.

Tonight, I want to cry because I feel like maybe, just maybe, there’s hope I’ll become the woman that God intends me to be, the woman that my DH prayed for, the woman I should be.

I just needed to tell you that your series has been a real eye opener for me. I don’t feel like I can post a public thank you yet because I’m a little embarrassed to say that it’s taken me 25 years to learn. And you were my teacher! This area of sex has had its issues throughout our marriage. I never understood about intimacy. No one ever took the time to teach me. It’s not something that’s talked about in “christian” circles. We’ve even been in counseling for the last two year–with a sex therapist who is a christian!!–and she’s never said these things to me.

I just wanted to tell you that I read your entire “29 Days To Great Sex” challenge last night. I know it is supposed to be a daily challenge but after the first couple of posts I started to feel… liberated. I am 23 and enjoy sex with my husband but also felt/feel incredibly embarrassed by my own sexual feelings. I love giving HIM pleasure but I struggle allowing him to give ME pleasure. I have always had an extremely crippling fear of “what if theres something wrong with me” and “what if I don’t do it right” and “what if hes just being nice but he thinks this is stupid/gross/annoying/taking too long”. When I was reading your posts I realized so many of my fears were unfounded. I realized that the way my body responds is completely normal and that in my fear, I have been preventing enjoyment in my husband. You kept saying that so many women just say “I guess my body just doesn’t work” THAT WAS ME and it really made me feel ashamed and embarrassed…..I know that as I learn about my body with my husband and as I learn to trust him in this way things will only get better and better for us. So… Thank you.

Buy it in .pdf form

Buy it on Kindle

This week I’ll be hosting some giveaways and doing some launch events to celebrate finally being finished! And on Monday night I’ll be hosting a live Facebook party at 9:00 pm EST, where you can ask anonymous questions, and I’ll answer. Come on over and “Like” my page to be part of that.

And on Tuesday night at 10 pm EST I’ll be hosting a Twitter party, hashtag #LuvMarriage, to talk about how married people have the best sex! Do join me there, too.

Finally, I’m doing a Pin it to Win It event on Pinterest. More details to come next week!

I know this book will help your marriage. Just writing it helped mine. And I’m offering it for only $4.99 right now. That price will go up in January, so take advantage of it now!

Buy it in .pdf form

Buy it on Kindle

Related posts:

31 Days to Great Sex is Almost Here!
Wifey Wednesday: Sex is Great!
29 Days to Great Sex Day 29: Party for Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!