Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 250

Help! My Husband Plays Video Games All the Time!

I know a young man who married in the last five years. He loves his new wife very much, and they’re having fun setting up their rental house, putting some money away, and desperately trying to finish their education part-time.

They did everything right: they dated for a while, they waited until they were married to make love, they got to know each others’ families. They’re not rushing into parenthood until they have a house and their education completed. But they’re on track to have that well before they’re 30.

There’s just one problem: whenever she’s at work, and he’s not, he heads over to his old house that he shared with a bunch of friends and plays video games. In fact, sometimes when she is home he still heads over there.

He’s at work when he’s supposed to be at work. He’s at church when he’s supposed to be at church. He’s at school when he’s supposed to be at school. But much of his free time is spent playing these games, often at a buddy’s house. And his new wife is sick of it.

I see this increasingly because even good Christian guys from good Christian families grow up playing 3-4 hours of video games throughout their teen years and into their twenties. That’s not miraculously going to stop as soon as they get married.

Nor should it, necessarily! I grew up knitting, and I still knit for at least an hour a day, if I can find the time to sit. I love knitting. We all need things to help us unwind that we enjoy.

But the nature of video games is that what we intend to take half an hour can easily become four hours. And quite often, I believe, it can become a genuine addiction.

Here’s a letter I received recently from a reader, along with my response to it. See what you think. She writes:

I have a question, and was wondering if you could give me some insight. I know that other young married women struggle with the same thing, and so I thought I’d pass it on to you

My husband spends a LOT of time on the computer – playing an MMO (multi-player online game). This is how he relaxes. He comes home from work, says hi, then gets on the computer. He plays for several hours, most nights eating dinner at the computer, and then when he senses that I’m frustrated, he gets off – until he senses that the frustration is gone, then he gets back on. I understand that he needs to de-stress after work, and I want to respect that need, but I often feel ignored (except for when we have sex) – I often feel that the only way I can get his attention is by seducing him, and that frustrates me to no end. I hate feeling like I’m competing for his attention.

I know that he’s not doing anything inappropriate on the computer – no porn, no affair…just a group of his friends playing a game together. I know that it’s important to him, because it gives him the opportunity to make and meet goals (leveling up by a certain time, etc.), build companionship with guy-friends, and relax at the end of a long day during which he has felt beat-down and discouraged by a minimum wage job that he wants to get out of but no one else will hire him at the moment.

All that to say, I don’t want to take it from him, but I do want more quality time with him (one of my primary love languages). I see that he spends hours and hours doing something that, to me, has no eternal significance, and he could be doing other things (like making connections with people to get out of the job he’s currently in, or doing something with me, or helping me around the house, or…or…)

Here’s my answer:

Thanks for writing! This is a really common issue.

Personally, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with playing video games for a short period everyday to unwind. We all need things that relax us. The problem comes when the video games eat into his normal responsibilities, and for many couples, that has become the case. In fact, in many men’s lives video games are an addiction (in the same way that soap operas used to be for many women, or Facebook is now).

Here’s the thing: men often turn to these games because it gives them a sense of mastery and competence over something, which may be sorely lacking in other areas of their lives. And it is fun!

But then it can easily become a habit–something we just do because we’re used to it and it’s easy and that’s what we automatically turn to. And video games rarely are something that are played “for just a few minutes here and there”. The very nature of them is that they tend to eat up hours of your time; hours that are better spent elsewhere.

1. Don’t Be His Conscience

I was once very addicted to television. I had it on constantly, and I wasted so much of my time watching shows, especially soap operas. One day God convicted me that I was wasting my life. That was when we got rid of the television and I started writing, and volunteering, and planning fun outings with my kids. My life became so much BIGGER.

The problem is that it is very easy to see that now; I couldn’t see it then. And you can’t convict your husband. You may see what he is doing, and see what he is missing out on, but you can’t be his conscience, and nagging him will not work. I do think that we, as a society, need to speak more firmly about not wasting your life, and our responsibility to find our purpose, rather than wasting the precious hours we do have on this earth. But your husband has to see that for himself. You can’t see it for him.

So what can you do?

2. Suggest Other Things to Do

You’re absolutely right that you don’t want to take it from him entirely, because that’s not your decision to make or your role to say, “I get to decide how you spend all of your free time.” But I think it is perfectly reasonable that you have boundaries over it, so that it’s only during certain hours so you can be together more.

The problem is that saying to him, “how about if you play from 7-10, but then we spend time together at 10″ sounds weird, because you’re not saying what you intend to do at 10.  Why should he stop if you have no specific plans for 10:00? Or if you say, “can we have from 5-8 for just us, doing something together,” he may think it sounds like you want to sit around the house doing nothing.

I’ve often found that a better strategy is to try to replace it with something. So instead of saying, let’s keep these hours just for us, say, “I’d like to help at youth group once a week with you”, or “I’d like to take a walk every evening after dinner together”, or “I’d like to start playing squash twice a week”. When he’s out of the house, he’s not on the game. And then you can spend some time together, and he will be slowly breaking his reliance on games. Then, when you are at home, it can be his choice to play the games.

3. Join Him!

Another option is to play it together with him at times. I don’t think this will fix everything, because you do need to spend time away from the games (laundry does need to get done, you do need time to talk, you do need to eat together), but at least you could share part of it with him.

4. Keep Talking

Keep honest communication so that you can talk to him about what you need. Be sure to show him love in ways that he understands. But it’s okay to tell him, “I feel as if we aren’t spending very much time together. Can we find things that we can share?” That’s legitimate, and it’s a good way to build your marriage.

If you feel as if he really only pays attention to you when you have sex, and that you just aren’t connecting, then try to start finding other things to do together. And, once you’ve established some new habits, start talking to him openly about what you need. Don’t accuse him–saying, “you’re wasting your life”, or “you act like you don’t love me”. Instead, own your feelings and be clear, saying, “When you’re on video games all night I feel as if we aren’t sharing our lives together. Can we talk about how to feel more connected?” Then the issue isn’t the video games; it’s the connection. And that may be something he’s more willing to discuss.

Does that make sense? Keep talking to him about it, but don’t replace it with nothing. Replace it with something and you may both find life gets a lot bigger.

And you may also want to ask him to work through the 31 Days to Great Sex together. This is actually a topic I address: do you go to bed at the same time? Do you spend time together away from a screen? So it may lead to some good discussions!

Now, ladies, what would you add? Have you found that video games have become an addiction for your husband? How can you find the balance between supporting him having time to unwind as he wishes and still maintaining a healthy marriage?

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: Video Games are Stealing My Husband
Wifey Wednesday: Helping Your Husband Feel Strong
Important But Not Urgent

Round-Up of Neat Stuff Around the Web This Week!

I have a confession to make. I’m feeling really overwhelmed today.

I have a really busy schedule for the next two weeks: On the weekend of the 27/28 I’m speaking at the huge Break Forth convention in Edmonton, Alberta, leading the women’s track. I have five talks I have to practice and perfect before that.

But before I can even do that I have a big article for Focus on the Family’s Thriving Family magazine about sharing chores with your husband. And I have a column due this morning.

I’m finding the columns quite stressful to write recently. I’ve been doing this for over 10 years now, in secular papers, and it’s harder and harder to come up with topics. Most of the things I’d like to say I’ve already said. So it’s always about finding a new slant on things.

And I try not to throw in totally controversial stuff all the time because I don’t want to totally turn people off. So last week, for instance, I wrote about how research shows that cohabiting before marriage increases divorce rates. That’s controversial. I’m sure to get flak for that.

I’d like, therefore, to write more of a feel-good column today, but I’m completely out of ideas. So I have to get a rough draft of an article done, and a column, and practice these speeches, and I’m finding myself stressed even in my sleep! I’m sure you’ve gone through periods like that, too, when it’s just so overwhelming it’s hard to start.

Yesterday in church our pastor was talking about “the joy of your salvation”, and how “the joy of the Lord is your strength”. And he was asking us if we’ve lost our joy. I thought and prayed about that yesterday, and I think one of the problems I have is something that’s quite common among those in ministry: it’s hard to get excited about God if every time you have a great insight in your devotions you think to yourself, “I have to weave this into a talk!” or “I should write about this.” Sometimes I’d like to just BE with God. Sometimes ministry gets really tiring, because it’s hard to be creative and spiritual on demand.

I’m not saying I’m going to quit; I’m just saying that there are times that I’m tired. Happily I’ve already scheduled two weeks worth of blog posts, so I don’t have to worry about writing this blog! I actually don’t find the blog stressful because I can write about whatever I want, and I’m not worried about sticking to a word count or writing or publication. It’s just my thoughts, and you all seem to like them enough since my traffic keeps growing. It’s the other things that I’m overwhelmed by.

On thing that God did remind me of yesterday, though, was that it’s hard to have joy if you don’t actually spend a lot of time talking and listening to Him. So I thought I’d share just a few links that are on my list for helping me not become overwhelmed.

1. Bible Study

Are you interested in doing something new with your devotions this year? Or do you just want to start trying to HAVE devotions? On Wings and Waves has a great post introducing her “Study the Epistles” series, where you spend 2013 working through the epistles.

But she doesn’t just do that; she’s also got a free printable that tells you what to do during your devotions if you’re just stuck and you don’t know where to begin. And she’s got printables that go along with her devotional series. So check her out!

2. Read Your Bible in a Year

My friend Rachel Wojo also has a challenge to read through your Bible in a year. I’ve done this a few times and it was so valuable! I know it’s late getting to the party, but if you do two days’ worth of readings for the next two weeks you’ll catch up.

3. Free Blogging Planner

If you’re a blogger (like me!) and you want to get more organized at it in 2013, Mama Jenn has a free printable to help you plan your posts, your giveaways, your social media campaigns, and even track your statistics. You can download it here.

And if you’re a blogger, would you like to earn some money? Last month a bunch of bloggers made over $50 each by writing a post introducing the 31 Days to Great Sex! I’ve got a great affiliate program with it, and it’s easy to sign up. With Valentine’s Day coming, it’s a wonderful opportunity to let people know about this great resource (and earn some money, too).

So there are a few links you may like, and now I’m going to go back and stare at a blank computer screen praying for inspiration! If you could pray with me, I would sure appreciate it.

Related posts:

Neat Links You May Have Missed
Top Posts for June
Bloggers are People, Too

Reader Question of the Week: Help with Negative Teenagers

Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week’s question was asked on my Facebook Page:

How do I encourage a perpetually negative teenager and to keep their negativity from rubbing off on you. I really need some new ideas. I’ve done everything I can think of and the negativity continues to flow. She is 13 and I know this is just the beginning of the rough years. It has gotten to a point where she gets in the car after school and I feel myself tense like “brace for impact!!”

What do you think? Let’s help her in the comments!

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: Modesty Standards within Families
Reader Question of the Week: Help, My Husband Can Be Gross!
Reader Question of the Week: Can Things Get Better?

Sliding vs. Deciding

Can I ask a quick favor before you read today’s post? I’m considering starting some webinars online where I teach on marriage/sex, but I need your feedback on topic/price/time etc. If you have a second, can you fill out this survey for me? Thank you!

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s talks about cohabitation and marriage, which love story will last?

There’s a quaint line in Taylor Swift’s song Love Story when Romeo kneels down, pops out a ring, tells Juliet he “talked to her dad” and now it’s time to pick out a white dress.

That courtship ritual may have been quite common just a few decades ago, but today’s mating habits are far less traditional. Modern Romeos and Juliets date for a bit, then start sleeping over at each other’s places. Eventually she puts a toothbrush and a change of clothes at his place. Soon she’s only going home to do laundry or to purge the fridge of rotting food, and it occurs to them, why don’t we just move in together?

So our intrepid couple does. It saves money, after all! They may even decide to spruce the place up, buying furniture on a “don’t pay for 12 months” sale. They get a dog. They start spending holidays with each other’s families.

Several years into this arrangement one of them gets antsy. Perhaps they have children together, perhaps they don’t. But one of them needs more. One of them needs commitment.

And so they have The Conversation. And they decide that they should tie the knot.

Our culture tends to believe that this order of things is a good idea. If you live together you will be able to tell if you’re compatible enough to get married. In fact, getting married without living together first seems irresponsible!

Research, however, shows that this hypothesis, while sounding smart, actually doesn’t work. Galena Rhoades’ study of 1000 married couples published in the Journal of Family Studies found that those who cohabited first were far more likely to have problems in their marriage and report less marital satisfaction. And the National Center for Health Statistics in the United States found that roughly half of couples who cohabited before marriage reached their tenth anniversary compared to 70% of couples who didn’t live together first.

Why the difference? I think it stems from how the relationship begins. Our threshold for deciding whom to date or whom to live with is quite a bit lower than our threshold for deciding whom to marry. But once you’ve been living together for two years, and you’ve got the dining room set, and you’ve got the dog, it becomes harder to split up.

Instead of deliberately deciding to get married, you’re sliding into marriage. And it often doesn’t work. In fact, couples who were already engaged before they cohabited saw far less of a difference in divorce rates than couples who cohabited before they committed to getting married. It’s the sliding instead of deciding that’s the problem. A good marriage requires commitment first.

That’s why cohabitation isn’t a trial marriage; it’s completely different, because you can’t, by definition, have a trial marriage. A marriage says: I commit to you. I will work to ensure your happiness. You will become my priority. A “testing” cohabitation says: I will see if you make me happy. I will be judging and watching you. I will see whether you measure up. In marriage, the other person is your priority; in a testing relationship, you are your priority. And marriage only works if both parties put each other first.

Marriage is not based on seeing if someone measures up to make you happy; marriage is about giving of yourself and committing to one another. If you start off a relationship testing, you’re going into marriage with the wrong attitude.

A happy marriage isn’t about testing or convenience or saving money; it’s about sacrifice and commitment. And you can’t slide into that; it has to be deliberate, or it isn’t a love story that will last.

Don’t miss a Reality Check! Sign up to receive it FREE in your inbox every week!

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Why Marriage Matters
Preparing Children for Courtship
Secrets of Saying I Do

Why Can’t He Be More Like Me? Book Review

“How can you think like that? What is the matter with you? Why aren’t you normal, like me?”

Have those words ever crossed your mind when you’re mad at your husband?

That’s what Poppy Smith experienced when she married her husband Jim. Just 20 when she met him, Poppy was living in Nairobi working, after her family had moved on. She was originally from England; Jim was a 30-year-old physician in the Peace Corps from the United States. She was used to an exciting life of change and adventure. He grew up on a farm in Iowa, and liked things quiet. She wanted to connect by talking and sharing the adventure of life; he wanted things planned and orderly.

And so it was that in their first few years of marriage Poppy was sure she had made a mistake. They were miserable together. He didn’t understand her. He didn’t act like he loved her. Nothing felt like it was supposed to. She spiralled downwards.

I know many of you feel that way in your marriage. You’re just miserable. You don’t connect. And your husband just doesn’t understand what goes in to making a great marriage. You want to connect; you want to be in love; you want to have fun. And him? He doesn’t get it.

If you feel that way–if you feel alone, and desperate, and like you have nothing in common–Poppy understands. She tells her story in her new book Why Can’t He Be More Like Me? And she shows you how she got to the other side of celebrating and appreciating her marriage, even if it wasn’t easy.

I sometimes feel very inadequate as a marriage blogger because I know that often what I say sounds so trite. When you’re really going through rough times in your marriage it’s hard to imagine that things could ever be different. How could your husband ever learn to show love? How could your husband ever meet your needs? I know you’re lonely. And when I say things like, “learn to love him first”, or “meet his needs first”, that can sound so impossible. How can you do that when you’re so empty?

Poppy’s book provides a wonderful bridge to this conundrum, because she understands. And she gives practical tips and lots of stories throughout of how you can change the dynamic in your marriage–how you CAN actually achieve real intimacy even with someone who is so different from you.

But it starts first with a mindset change, and then with some tools.

Mindset:

Don’t Give Up, My Child–Grow!

That’s what Poppy heard God tell her when she cried out about her marriage. After years of getting nowhere, she heard God say to her that what He was really interested in was her growth, not just her husband’s change of heart.

She quotes Gary Thomas:

“This tendency to avoid difficulty is a grave spiritual failing that can and often does keep us in Christian infancy. The great spiri- tual writers warned that this life is difficult and that we should use the difficulty to be built up in our character.”

Now, of course, promising spiritual difficulty doesn’t exactly make marriage sound fun. But perhaps we have the wrong view of marriage. As Poppy explains, we reason: since we love each other, how could marriage be difficult? Or filled with hurt? Or produce heart-breaking disappointment? And yet perhaps it is in this disappointment that God wants to grow us. She says,

What I can promise is that when you invite God to work in the deepest recesses of your heart, you will benefit regardless of what happens to your marriage.

And that’s why the focus of her book is not on changing your husband, but instead on recognizing and learning WHY you both are different, learning to respect those differences, and then honouring them as you interact. Each chapter comes with a section called “What is my part in building the marriage?”, to keep us focus on ourselves, not on our husband’s shortcomings.

Tools to Grow Closer

You’ve got the mindset change. But it can’t stay there.

It’s not about just committing to stay–it’s committing to grow!

And so her book is filled with tools to help you do that. She’s got personality tests so that you can figure out where you differ. She has exercises to work through to better understand your differing backgrounds, your different attitudes towards money or sex, or even your different communication patterns. And she goes on at length to explain the very real gender differences we come face to face with in marriage. Knowing that God created both sexes with their gender-unique qualities, we honor God when we let our husbands live out how they were designed.

And then she has a ton of practical points on how to improve your communication–little things that take very little effort, but can change the whole dynamic of a conversation. Things like: letting the other person talk nonstop for a few minutes, without interrupting, before you then get the floor. Or parroting back what the other person said to show that you understood.

One of the things I really appreciated about the book is that she draws a very clear distinction in several places between accepting personality differences and accepting sin. One we should strive to do. The other we should not. And I appreciate this, because I find too often in Christian circles we’re told that if we just submit as women and do the “right thing”, then God will bring about change in our husbands. If he’s using porn, or if he’s abusing you, submitting is not the right course of action. No ifs, ands, or buts, and Poppy gets this.

But when it isn’t sin, sometimes we do need to just redefine our expectations, for it is expectations that is at the heart of marital disappointment. Here’s one very small vignette from her own life that Poppy shares:

When she married, she believed that part of being a man was checking the doors and windows at night to make sure they were locked. It was the man’s job to keep the family safe, and that’s part of safety. Her husband Jim, on the other hand, had grown up on a farm in Iowa where nothing was ever locked. “If anyone ever breaks in I’ll protect you,” he promised, but that wasn’t good enough for Poppy. Nevertheless, he didn’t see part of being a man as checking the doors.

Poppy then faced a crossroads: she could fume at him, and cry because he didn’t really love her and didn’t care if she was murdered in the night, or she could realize that they simply came from different backgrounds and so had different expectations. She chose the latter. And she also checks the locks on the doors and windows every night herself.

One of the most interesting chapters for me was on Spiritual Mismatch. We often think of this only in terms of Christian/nonChristian, but it’s more than that. What about people who choose to worship differently? What about when one likes praying out loud and one likes praying by themselves, using scripted prayers? What about when someone likes serving and someone else likes nature? They’re all important, but we tend to judge each others’ hearts, and it’s wrong. If your husband has a different way of connecting with God from you, it doesn’t mean that he isn’t a Christian. He just may experience God differently.

But what do you do if your husband says he’s a Christian, but won’t go to church and never talks about God? She addresses that, too.

For any woman who is feeling alone in her marriage, Why Can’t He Be More Like Me doesn’t just diagnose your problem; it also offers practical, biblical solutions to grow closer together not only DESPITE your differences, but actually BECAUSE of them.

I appreciate what Poppy has done with this, and I’m sure you will, too!

Buy it from Amazon

Buy it on Kindle

Buy it on Nook

Related posts:

What Do You and Your Husband Have in Common?
Book Review: Nothing But Trouble
Book Review: The Choice

Wifey Wednesday: Are You a Spouse or an Enabler?

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a post, and then you all can link up your own below in the Linky!

I want to talk today about very difficult marriages, and let me begin with a story.

I heard the story recently of a woman whose husband had been involved with porn heavily for years. They had gone to counselors and he had said he would stop but he hadn’t. They had talked about it for years but nothing changed.

Finally, she told a few select people in her small group and the elders at her church, and the elders confronted her husband about this and told him that they were supporting the separation. The small group helped the wife to pack her things and helped her to get into another place to live. They are not divorced; they are separated. But she has tried everything else and it hasn’t worked, and now her church is backing her as she puts her husband in a situation where he has to choose: will I do the right thing and follow God? Or will I turn away?

This, I believe, is the biblical model. I have had other women on this site comment, saying something like:

My husband uses porn but he says there’s nothing wrong with it. I want to speak to someone at church, but I don’t know who to go to, and my husband says that he is the head of the house and I must submit. I’m lost.

That is not headship! That is a cop out.

Headship should never be used as an excuse to continue in sin, or to give you a cover so that you can lead a “second life”. There are times, I believe, when a spouse is so endangering his or her relationship with the family and with God that something must be done. And if nothing is done, then that spouse is giving cover to the sin.

Let me outline the three things I most commonly see in marriages that I believe warrant some outside intervention. I am not going to talk about affairs or abuse or substance issues because we all already talk about those widely in our culture and in our churches, and I hope there’s agreement that in these cases steps must be taken. But too many people think, “because my problem doesn’t fit into those categories I have to live with it and there’s nothing I can do.” Here they are:

1. Porn Use

A man (or woman) who uses porn is not only participating in a sin; he is wandering down a road that will destroy intimacy both with his wife and with God, and will ruin him as a father. It cannot be tolerated.

2. Withdrawal from Sex Altogether

In too many marriages sex has become almost non-existent. Usually when it’s the man who withdraws from sex porn is involved. Sometimes, though, it’s simply major pscyhological and emotional damage. Maybe there are homosexual tendencies, or maybe the man has so pushed down his sexuality because it’s threatening to him in some way that he becomes passive and asexual. Maybe she has so much psychological woundedness or anger that she withdraws.

Churches have sympathy for the wife who comes in and says “my husband uses porn”. They often don’t know what to do with a spouse who comes in and says, “my husband (or my wife) never has sex.”  It doesn’t seem like as valid a complaint. In fact, if it’s the man who is going in to ask for help, often the problem will be turned against him: “what did you do to chase your wife away?” Yet in my experience when a spouse completely withdraws from sex it is often not primarily that other spouse’s fault. It is often something psychological or spiritual going on inside the spouse who has withdrawn.

We were created for intimacy with another person. We are not meant to be lone rangers. If a spouse rejects sex, they are specifically rejecting community. And they are rejecting a huge part of themselves. Do you realize how huge this is? How big a deal this is spiritually and emotionally as well? This can’t be ignored, and a person who has become asexual must be confronted and told, “you need to get counseling”. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having psychological trauma; there is something wrong with refusing to deal with it.

3. Financially Endangering the Family

I received an email from a wife recently who said this:

For the last four years my husband has refused to work. When he did work he often called in sick, and was always searching out ways to apply for disability. Now he just sits at home and watches TV and plays video games all day. He’s just a big slob. We lost our house and I’m working two part-time jobs to try to pay the bills, plus keeping the house clean and doing his laundry. He won’t work! What do I do?

A man who refuses to provide for his family, and who has become this lazy, also needs Christians to come alongside him and say, “put up or shut up”. This isn’t acceptable. I would say that the same would be true for a spouse who is consistently getting the family deep into debt with spending.

If your spouse is acting in such a way that they are denying a vital part of themselves and a vital part of the Christian life–like responsibility or intimacy or community–then doing nothing about it enables that spouse to avoid any impetus for spiritual growth.

Churches should be places where the wounded come to find healing, not where the wounded come to give them cover so they can avoid healing. And yet all too often that is what we’ve done–we hate divorce so much that we ignore the other side: God does not want an army of wounded, damaged people. He wants wholeness. And so we must deal with people who are refusing to confront huge issues.

Note that I’m not talking about a difference in sex drives, or problems when one spouse won’t do any housework. I’m not talking about disagreements over child rearing or over the role of TV in the house. I’m talking about things that go to the very heart of who we are as people and what is our relationship before God. And these are issues which, if not dealt with, will continue to drive someone further away from God and further into darkness.

In the old days, brothers would come to support their sister and would give the husband a pounding. That doesn’t happen anymore. But churches need to fulfill that role.

In his book Rocking the Roles, Robert Lewis tells the story of an intervention at his church. A woman was married to a man who was consistently driving his family into deeper and deeper debt. She was working hard to try to keep the family afloat but she couldn’t manage it anymore because of his spending.

The elders came to the guy and sat him down and said, “we are going to help you make a budget. Then you are going to stick to it. You’ll report to one of us every week until this is all sorted out. And if you continue to overspend, we all will show up at the house with a moving van and we will help your wife get established with the kids in a house of her own until you come to your senses.”

They weren’t talking about a divorce; they were saying, “what you are doing is so unacceptable that you must stop. And if you won’t, you alone will bear the consequences because we will help your wife through this.”

This is what we need to expect from our churches. Now, elders should never do anything this drastic until they hear both sides of the story; but once that story is clear, if one spouse is consistently damaging the family and damaging his or her own spiritual life, then action simply must be taken. And just because they’re married is no reason to avoid taking that action.

I know most of my readers are women, and so let me talk to the women for a moment. Many of you leave heartbreaking messages on this blog about men who have turned their backs on the marriage, but won’t move out. They like someone taking care of the housework and taking care of the kids, and they like the benefits that marriage brings, even though they have rejected the intimacy and responsibility. Ladies, if you put up with this, you are enabling him to move farther and farther away from God. God did not create marriage so that we would have an excuse to not work on our issues.

So go to your church and find someone who will help you; who will sit down and talk to your husband, whether he likes it or not, to hear his side of the story. Someone who will walk you through an intervention process, if it is necessary (and in some cases it definitely is). And someone who will stand alongside your husband and give him the tools and help he needs to rediscover who he was made to be.

I know this is scary. When you rock the boat, you feel like, “if this marriage breaks up I’ve failed.” But you have not. And while divorce damages kids greatly, there are times when staying in a marriage does, too. Those times are rare, and please, don’t take these words as an excuse to leave your husband because he plays video games too much or won’t put stuff in the dishwasher. I’m not talking about normal marital disagreements. I’m talking about things where men (or women) have completely forsaken key elements of who they were designed to be. And in that case, your children need to witness health and wholeness and healing. So don’t stop until you find someone to help you!

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Is Pornography the Same as Cheating?
Wifey Wednesday: Understanding the Higher Drive Spouse: Bread or Tomatoes?
When Your Spouse Isn’t Interested in Sex: Communicating Your Needs

Use What You Have! Saving Money in January

The new year is wonderful for fresh starts, but unfortunately not everything can automatically be made new just because the calendar changes. And one of the things that follows us into the new year is those pesky credit card bills. January is an awfully tough month financially for many families. Huge bills are due, and the money just isn’t coming in.

But one thing that we often forget is how much money we already have tied up in stuff inside our four walls! So today I thought I’d write about ways to save money this month by Using What You Actually Have. I know that sounds revolutionary, but hear me out.

It used to be that people let nothing go to waste. I’m an avid knitter, and I remember reading about a pioneer woman who used to try out new cable stitches using the string that came tied around the butcher’s packages, because she couldn’t afford to waste yarn. So even string was valuable!

Today we often buy stuff and then it sits in a cupboard, forgotten. So if money is tight this month, maybe it’s time to figure out what’s inside those cupboards!

1. Food

The average family has between $250-$400 of groceries inside their home at any one time. And I’m pretty sure that’s a low estimate if you include what’s in my freezer!

So this month, why not make it a challenge to actually use the cans that are in your cupboard, and the meat that is in your freezer? Don’t buy stuff at the store–even if it’s on sale. Use up what you actually have.

Those tins of cranberry? Use them. Those tins of tuna? Figure out how to make a casserole.

I’m guilty of hoarding lentils and dried beans. I keep thinking I’m actually going to cook with them, but then I rarely do. But I think it’s time that I actually tried!

Recently I made chili with various miscellaneous dried beans and all kinds of hamburger and turkey patties left over from the summer that we never got around to barbecuing, but which probably wouldn’t taste that good if I left them until the next barbecuing season. When you mash them all up, they’re pretty indistinguishable from ground beef. And my freezer looks a lot better without all those boxes.

2. Medications

I’m prone to periodic bouts of eczema, or just really itchy rashes. So a while ago when it flared up I bought a tube of hydrocortisone cream. After I had used it I had to figure out where to put it, since it’s not a normal medication. When it occurred to me which drawer it would most naturally fit in, I opened up that drawer only to find–two other tubes of hydrocortisone cream. I don’t know if I’m getting forgetful in my forties or what, but no one needs three tubes of hydrocortisone cream to deal with the occasional flare-up.

The solution? Have a central place in the house where all medications are kept. I used to be really organized with my medicines, but I’ve found it a challenge now because my teenage girls have their own bathroom, and so they often stick medications in there, too. The solution I’ve come up with is to stop keeping medications in the bathrooms and start putting them in a central drawer in the kitchen. That way we won’t have three bottles of Advil floating around, or three tubes of hydrocortisone cream.

3. Toiletries

My oldest daughter likes to say that the way you can tell a girl’s bathroom from a boy’s bathroom is the amount of product on the counter. Girls, she says, are incapable of having just one of anything, because they have to try out different things!

Are you guilty of that? I know I can be. If I dig under my bathroom sink I’ll find half used cans of mousse, or conditioner, or foot cream. But honestly, most of those products are completely interchangeable, despite the brand.

My husband started consolidating things by taking all of our leftover sunscreen after the summer and pouring it into one bottle. I thought that was a good idea, so I’ve started doing it with moisturizer cream, too. Instead of lots of half-filled bottles, I’ve got one big one. And I won’t buy anything else until that big one is actually used!

If you have stuff under there that you bought at a Mary Kay party once or something, why not start using it? You’ll feel prettier, and you’ll get rid of stuff taking up space under your sink!

4. Gift Cards

Many of us receive different gift cards at Christmas. But do you necessarily need them all?

One neat thing Canadians can do with gift cards is to join CardSwap and then swap out your gift cards for things you really need. So if money is tight this month you may not need a gift card to Chapters (our equivalent of Barnes and Noble), but you may really need it for a drug store. So join CardSwap and consolidate your cards into one big one you’ll actually use. I hate having $10 left on one card for one store and $15 left on another. I’d rather just have one big gift card for one store that I go to frequently.

Before Christmas my daughter cashed in $110 worth of gift cards and received about $100 back to use on Christmas presents. Yes, they take a cut, but to her the cash was worth it, because she didn’t really NEED stuff from that store. So, Canadians, check out CardSwap!

I think it’s a great service. Do they have anything similar in the U.S. or the U.K. or Australia? Let us know in the comments!

5. Games

When you want something to do at night, what do you automatically turn to? The video store? Amazon movies on demand? Even your TV? Here’s a thought: why not save the $1 or $5 or whatever it would cost and instead play a board game? We’ve all got them stuffed in those cupboards, but they rarely come out. Let’s make it a habit to actually use what we buy, including our games, rather than turning to entertainment that doesn’t necessarily entertain–and that costs us money.

So I challenge you this month to use up what you actually have. It will save you money, but more than that, it makes us think differently about how we use our money. When we throw it away carelessly, buying stuff we don’t really need, then we’re not being responsible or grateful for what we have. Actually using what’s in our house teaches us more about what we should be spending money on, and teaches us what we don’t really need!

Have you ever tried to Use What You Have to get you through a tough financial period? Let me know in the comments!

Related posts:

Card Swap Giveaway: A Neat Way of Earning Points while You Spend
Definitive Post on Saving Money on Groceries
Who Should Be in Charge of the Money?

Overcoming the Effects of Sexual Abuse: It’s Nothing but a Neuron!

Today’s guest post is from psychologist Rachel Grant, explaining why bad stuff in our backgrounds can leave us super-sensitive and jumping to the wrong conclusions today. Here’s Rachel:

Have you ever walked by a pie shop and, upon smelling a freshly baked pumpkin pie, been transported back in time to a fond memory of Thanksgiving? Or maybe caught a glimpse of a stranger with certain features and found yourself thinking about that girl or guy from way back when? How about a significant other who one day playfully wrestles with you, and all of a sudden you recall being held down by your abuser? What exactly is occurring neurologically and what are the implications for the recovery from abuse?

There is a saying – neurons that fire together, wire together. When we have an experience, neuronal pathways are created in the brain by neurons firing and connecting to create a neural net. When we smell the pumpkin pie, what is actually happening is that a particular neuronal pathway is ignited. Think of it like a big highway in your brain with a bunch of intersections, on ramps, and off ramps.

Whenever we have an experience, it is like we are building a highway, and that highway might be connected to an already established road or be a brand new one. So, in the example of smelling a pie, our memory (highway) the initial memory of Thanksgiving with family now has an additional road leading to the current experience of the same aroma when walking by the store. Thus, the neuronal pathway (highway) is expanded and reinforced by the reactivation.

Now, the more often we travel a road, the more readily we can get to that road and the more it becomes a part of our personality. In this way, our lives can become shaped by reactivations of memories, which lack a sense that something is being recalled. We simply experience them as the reality of our present experience.

The result is that we respond to our significant other in the moment with fear and anger thinking that what s/he is doing is the problem, when, instead, a neuronal pathway has been triggered and the memory of our abuser restraining us is activated. The same thing occurs in response to stressors. If our experience makes us feel trapped or scared, we may respond in the same way we did when needing to survive the abuse rather than in a way that actually addresses the present day stressor.

Will we always be held hostage by these firing neurons? Absolutely not! “Each day is literally the opportunity to create a new episode of learning, in which recent experience will become integrated with the past and woven into the anticipated future” (Siegel). Neurons can be re-wired!

The first step is to simply absorb the fact that many of our present day responses, thoughts, and emotions are nothing but a neuronal highway lighting up! Recognition of this creates space for us to consider the possibility that what we think or feel is going on may not be what is, in fact, really happening.

Secondly, when we successfully avoid getting on the road most traveled and instead respond to a situation, trigger, or stressor in a new way, the neuronal pathway will be adapted. The more frequently this occurs, the more modified the neuronal pathway becomes, and the behavior, thought, or emotion that is produced is also modified.

Finally, developing the ability to separate what is actually happening from the interpretations or emotions that follow plays a critical role in our ability to respond to situations in a new way. There are other steps to complete the work of re-wiring, but this initial step is critical.

So, let’s practice! See if you can identify what happened and the interpretations in this story:

Karen recently shared with her husband that she wanted to travel more. Her husband responded by saying he needed to do some research before he could make a decision. Immediately, Karen began thinking about how she never felt like she never got to fulfill her dreams and always ended up doing things on her own.

What happened?

What is Karen’s interpretation?

Now, the very next day, Karen’s husband pulls her aside and says that he was glad to have the extra time to think things over; it really does suit him to take some time before making decisions, and now he would like to talk about planning a trip. I bet Karen wishes she hadn’t spent so much time wallowing in her interpretations, which might have been thoughts such as “I’ll never get want I want; people always let me down,” etc. Worst of all, she was reinforcing old negative neuronal pathways the whole time!

I have come to affectionately think of these interpretations as “stories” – our little efforts at trying to explain or understand why something has happened. Unfortunately, most of the time – like 99% of the time – the story we come up with is really just an old neuronal pathway begging to be fed. We usually quickly oblige and find ourselves mired in negative self-talk and self-thought. Our practices of right speech and right mindfulness are tossed out the window.

It is not always easy to separate what happened from our interpretation, but that is okay! You can begin by writing down just the facts of what happened when thinking about an experience. Then turn your attention to what your interpretation was, what story you told yourself about why things were happening the way they were.

Sheila says: I think this is excellent advice, similar to what Paul says when he tells us to “take every thought captive”. When you’re thinking something that’s not true, take out that thought, examine it, and replace it with the truth. And God says: you’re valuable. You’re lovable. You’re a new creation. I know that’s hard, but the best way to get over our pasts is to look to the future, and look to the truth that God tells us!

Rachel Grant is the owner and founder of Rachel Grant Coaching and is a Trauma Recovery & Relationship Coach. She is also the author of Beyond Surviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse. With her support, clients learn to identify and break patterns of thought and behavior that keep them from recovering from past sexual abuse or making changes in their relationships.

Rachel holds an M.A. in Counseling Psychology. With this training in human behavior and cognitive development, she provides a compassionate and challenging approach for her clients while using coaching as opposed to therapeutic models. Rachel is a member of the International Coach Federation & San Francisco Coaches.

Purchase Beyond Surviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse (available in paperback or Kindle)

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Abuse Survivors and Sex
A Contagious Smile
When Opposites Drive You Crazy…

Rocking the Boat

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s a reprint from 2007.

We’re a week past Christmas now and as we take down those lights and dismantle the tree so we can sit in the living room again many of us are breathing a sigh of relief. We made it through a family dinner without any fights! Hallelujah and pass down that Christmas angel.

We often pride ourselves on the absence of conflict, as if not fighting means that we’re close. But I wonder, instead, if the opposite is actually the case. Think about it this way: in order to have a close relationship with someone, you have to be sharing your true self, which the other person then has to accept. And, of course, this sharing goes both ways. Sitting in a room together as you chat about the weather and the price of gas and did you see the colour Aunt Ruth dyed her hair? is not sharing yourself. It’s passing time. And the more we engage in this kind of surface relationship with people with whom we should have more intimacy, the more we build walls between us. It may buy us time, it doesn’t buy us peace. That’s because real peace isn’t not fighting—remember the Cold War?—it’s knowing someone and accepting them anyway.

Serious as this problem may be with extended family, it’s even more grave with our immediate family. We don’t confront our spouse on things that we consider serious, because we’re scared of the reaction. Instead, we bottle it up, pretend nothing’s wrong, and add more bricks to that wall. But is this really what we want for our relationships? If we want true intimacy, we’re going to have to share what’s in our hearts, what’s bothering us, even secrets that we’re afraid may cause that boat to keel over. There’s little lonelier than sharing your life with someone who doesn’t even know you.

Spouses, though, aren’t the only ones we hide from. How many of us really fight for that relationship with our kids, especially our teens? Too often we allow them to push us away, because we’re afraid that if we confront them, we’ll find out how alienated they really feel from us, or we’ll push them away even farther. We’d rather have the semblance of a relationship than acknowledge that there are severe problems. But how can we deal with those problems unless we name them? And most children, though they may not admit it, appreciate being fought for, rather than being allowed to do anything and everything just so you don’t have conflict.

Of course, some of us aren’t in the position to open up and share what we’re thinking and feeling. The relationship itself seems so fragile that sharing may be the final straw. When you’re afraid the person may bolt, opening yourself up just doesn’t seem worth it. But I wonder if settling for the shell of a relationship is really the better course? Only you can be the judge of that, and waiting for the right time to deal with something big may be appropriate. But putting something off indefinitely won’t build you the kind of relationship that your heart dreams about. Sometimes we need to go through a period of conflict in order to get to the other side. Taking bricks down is messy, but think about how wonderful it will look later on.

Nevertheless, while rocking the boat may be necessary, it shouldn’t be a goal in and of itself. We want intimacy, not just fights! So as you share, remember that you don’t get extra points for being loud or angry or making the other person look like a fool. That’s not removing bricks; that’s adding more. So calm yourself down, search your heart, and figure out what you want. Then decide how you’re going to get there. Letting things go on as they always have isn’t necessarily going to help. It’s going to build more walls. And then, who will be there to help you tear them down?

Don’t miss a Reality Check! Sign up to receive it FREE in your inbox every week!

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Communication is NOT Key!
Beautiful Email: Pray with Your Husband
That One Perfect Person

Why Purity Early Protects You Later

Today’s guest post is from Alecia from Marriage Life Ministries.



My husband had an affair. It almost wrecked our marriage, but instead it was the catalyst for bringing us closer together. But through the whole sordid process, I learned something important: what we do before marriage often impacts what we do after marriage.

Most of the world thinks that purity is for the birds–that saving yourself isn’t relevant, convenient or even necessary. Or that remaining pure in your mind body and spirit after you get married isn’t important. I beg to differ.

It’s interesting that while over the last few decades our culture has gotten more sexually permissive, it has also adopted firmer attitudes against adultery. This “oddity” was found by the Marriage Project at Rutgers University when they were doing research on marriage and infidelity. People now disapprove of adultery more than they did a few decades ago, even though we’re also becoming more promiscuous. How can we as a culture not see how these two things are completely connected to one another?

Our behavior, as a culture, definitely speaks to different priorities than what the studies and surveys are suggesting. A majority might feel that cheating on one’s spouse is wrong, but that’s not stopping very many affairs.

Why? Again, it comes down to this. Purity.

I was slapped in the face with this concept shortly after Clint’s confession. Oh, sure, I’d heard it all growing up: “Don’t’ give yourself away.” “Sex before marriage is bad.”, but it was amazing to me to sit down and think about the ramifications of the choices that had been made in our situation. It wasn’t just Clint’s lack of sexual purity (before marriage and during our marriage) that led to our problem, but also my own lack of sexual purity. I had contributed to an atmosphere in our marriage that made us susceptible to adultery.

Infidelity doesn’t just create an atmosphere of non-purity in our marriage relationship…it stems from one.

Just as much as it matters what you do with your mind and your body after you get married, it matters what you do with it before. Our marriage wasn’t just affected by Clint’s infidelity. His infidelity was made possible because of sexual impurity.

The things you view, the way you think, the relationships you have, the sexual experiences you participate in, can all too easily impact your marriage–its health, longevity, and its ability to ward off infidelity.

If you didn’t have purity when you were younger, single, and dating, though, it’s not too late! With God, it never is. The important thing is to recognize that you need it—that you need Him to help you.

But you also need to work at it. If you don’t work at it, your choices will fester in your marriage like an old rotten pair of gym shoes shoved in the back of the closet. You’d like to forget they’re there but the smell wafts out at you every once in a while until the stench permeates the whole house and you’re hunting around playing the “What’s that smell” game. You can’t shove it under a rug or hide it or minimize it. As a couple you must deal with it.

If you feel like your marriage lacks what we would call purity, make some changes. Take the time to care about what you watch (by yourself, with your spouse, and as a family). What you expose your eyes and ears to will affect your mind and will affect your marriage. Take the time to care about the relationships and connections you make with the opposite sex. Strike up non-negotiable boundaries that serve to protect your marriage. Take the time to care about the type of intimacy you and your spouse have and build up a more positive form of it from the foundation up.

This thing called purity is kind of an important thing. After all, the couples who enjoy the best sex are those who are monogamous, and who waited until they were married to have sex. Oh, the irony!

This antiquated, stuffy, prudish word is actually anything but.

It’s the portal to you and your spouse living the next 50 years happily together.

 

From Sheila: I so appreciate Alecia’s take on this, as someone who has lived through an affair and has come out the other side.

I think sometimes we misunderstand purity. We think that it applies BEFORE marriage, but as Alecia says, it’s just as important once we’re married. We need to keep ourselves pure, which means keeping ourselves focused simply on our husbands.

When we’re married, we have great sexual license, which I talked about in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. But let’s not confuse that freedom with a lack of boundaries. Just because you can, and should, enjoy sex now does not mean that it’s a good idea to focus on just getting yourself aroused any old way, like thinking about another man, or watching porn, or immersing yourself in explicit HBO miniseries. Many couples have found that taking this license too far is quite dangerous.

Why? Because it reinforces the idea that sex is only about the physical, only about getting aroused, and not about a spiritual and emotional intimacy. And once we start to entertain these thoughts, it’s too easy to get careless.

So let’s keep pure in our marriages! Today, can you tell us how you do that? Leave a comment, or if you’re having a tough time figuring out what this means, leave a question, and maybe we can help you!

Alecia and Clint blog at Marriage Life Ministries.  Find them on Facebook here.

Related posts:

Lasting Bliss: Hope and Inspiration for Your Marriage
Wifey Wednesday: What is Appropriate Sexual Release?
Wifey Wednesday: Is Pornography the Same as Cheating?