Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 236

Marriage Pinterest Party and More!

Happy Father’s Day!

Today my husband is on call in a city about 45 minutes from us, so we’re going to drive down after church and spend the afternoon with him. Unfortunately it’s raining; I was hoping for a picnic. Oh, well.

My hubby is an amazing dad. He’s always put family first, and made an effort to know both girls individually. And for that I’m grateful.

Thought you all may enjoy this:

And here’s something else fun! We’re starting a weekly Marriage Pinterest Party, where you can share your favourite marriage pins from the week. A few different marriage bloggers are doing it; Carlie from Fulfilling Your Vows organized it.

All you have to do is enter the URL from a favourite marriage pin you shared this week. That way we can all see some more great marriage posts! And if anyone wants to follow my marriage board (where I share ONLY pins about marriage), it’s right here.

Reader Question: Dealing with a Husband with ADD

Every weekend I like to answer a reader question. I’ll give my thoughts on a subject, and then I invite you all to comment and help this reader out, too.

Here’s one I received recently:

I don’t want to be a nagging wife, but my husband has ADD and it seems like it is sometimes called for.  We both work and have a set division of labor around the house (that we have both agreed to) because it makes life easier on us.  I have to be ‘on his case’, so to speak about getting his tasks done.  I am extremely conscious of the way we are in public and around other people, so this really is limited to everyday household things.  But I was wondering whether any other readers have had similar experiences or have any wisdom to share.

Excellent question!

Let me take a stab at it with just a few points, not in any particular order:

1. Remember that ADD has its Strengths

My husband is a pediatrician, and so he diagnoses a lot of kids with ADD (and he tells even more that they do NOT have ADD. Most kids who come in for that diagnosis do not actually have a biological basis for attention deficit).

When there is a genuine diagnosis, the parents are often really sad. “My son (for it is usually boys) will be hampered by this his whole life,” they think. We frame it as a disability.

But here’s what my husband says (and I’m paraphrasing):

A generation ago, when there was no such thing as an ADD diagnosis, these kids grew up just being called “hyperactive” or “distracted”. But they grew up without a label. And many of them did amazing things.

We think of ADD as a negative thing, but people with ADD tend to make the best salesmen. They make the best stockbrokers. They make really good company CEOs because they can handle so many different thoughts at one time. People with ADD have gone on to do amazing things with their lives.

ADD is far more a problem in school, when everything has to be regimented, than it is in adult life, when you can choose a career that’s actually suited for someone with ADD (for there are many), and start to run your home the way it works best for you.

His main message? This will always be a challenge, but remember to see that it can have its pluses, too.

So if you’re married to someone with ADD, don’t always see it as a negative. Figure out the positive aspects to it (they can be really fun people; they’re active; they’re not boring, etc.)

2. Encourage His Leadership in His Areas of Strength

If he’s a really fun, active guy, make sure your family is really fun and active. Go to the beach. Run to parks often. You don’t have to be a typical family that sits at the dinner table for long periods of time and has deep conversations. Maybe he’s better suited to picnic dinners in the summer (and kids love that!)

In other words, don’t try to fit him into a stereotypical family; your family is unique. And it’s great to do family in a way that he is comfortable with and that works to his strengths.

3. Involve Him in Strategy-Making and Finding Solutions

Don’t treat him as someone with a disability; ask him, “how can we best make sure the work that needs to get done gets done?”

Now, for some men, nagging may actually not be a bad thing. If they have to be reminded, they may honestly be fine with that.

I don’t like that, though, because I think it sets up a mother-son type relationship instead of a marriage, and in general that’s not healthy.

So figure out: how does he work best? With lists? With post-it notes? With rewards? (like if he finishes this one task he gets to do something he loves, like play video games or go for a jog or something). Ask him, and ask him to brainstorm about different times in his life when he had to get stuff done. How did he accomplish it? What did he put in place?

Part of the problem with marrying someone with ADD is that his mother may have compensated for him so much growing up that he honestly isn’t used to having to take responsibility around the house. But if he’s able to do it at work, he’s able to do it at home. So ask him, “what helps you get tasks done at work? How do you keep yourself focused there?” And see if you can replicate that.

4. Think of the CEO-Secretary Mix

Again, I’m not trying to reinforce a lopsided relationship, but if you picture a distracted yet active CEO, the ones that function best are the ones with secretaries who compensate. Maybe it’s time to think about compensating rather than about trying to get him to become you.

The thing about the work relationship is that the secretary keeping him on track helps free him up to do what he’s good at. So ask yourself, “what is he good at?” You may honestly want the housework split, but maybe he’s just not a housework kind of guy. But he may be a grocery shopping/errands kind of guy, because that’s more active, and there’s more going on. He doesn’t have to stay focused at a task as much.

In other words, it’s not so much about assigning tasks based on what we think is fair or on what we enjoy but instead basing it on “what are we both best suited for?” Maybe in the comments we could brainstorm about what some of those tasks may be.

Some of you readers have husbands with ADD (or children with ADD) have more to offer on this particular topic. So please, chime in, and let’s help others in this same situation!

Deal of the Day

Many of you may remember from our Fight the Frump week some of the awesome Plus Sized styles from Kiyonna I was showing you–to prove that you could look amazing even if you’re not a size 6.

This weekend they have 20% off of everything, no minimums!

OFFER 20% Off No Minimum at Kiyonna.com

COUPON CODE: SHOP20

Expires: 6/17/2013 at 10am PT

*Cannot be combined with any other offer or discount. Not valid on bridal, accessories or wholesale orders.

 

Related posts:

Reader Question: My Husband Thinks the Kids Are All My Job
Reader Question of the Week: What Should This Frustrated Husband Do?
Reader Question of the Week: Help, My Husband Can Be Gross!

On Teenagers, Facebook Assaults, and Pornography

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s is on a hard subject, but we adults need to stop looking the other way and speak up.

I am totally baffled by why one person would choose to assault another. But what baffles me even more is why they would record themselves doing so, and then upload that recording to Facebook.

There’s been a rash of recorded assaults in the news lately. In December, Scandale Fritz, 16, Kenneth Brown, 15, and Justin Applewhite, 16, allegedly assaulted a 12-year-old girl at gunpoint. They posted the video to Facebook. They’ve now been arrested. In Steubenville, Ohio, football stars Trent Mays and Ma’lik Richmond were convicted of rape after assaulting a passed out 16-year-old girl and then circulating cell phone pictures. Closer to home, 17-year-old Halifax teen Raehtah Parsons committed suicide after cell phone pictures of her alleged rape were circulated throughout her school. No one was ever charged in that incident.

And that’s only the beginning.

Sexual assault is bad enough, but it has always been with us. Little girls grow up with that fear and knowledge that they are at a unique risk.

But something has changed–something very profound. In the past, people could get away with rape because they knew it would be a “he said she said” situation. There were no witnesses, after all, due to the very nature of the crime.

Today boys are actively soliciting witnesses. Why?

To me, there are only two options: first, they want the notoriety that Facebook can bring, regardless of the consequences; or second, they honestly don’t realize that anything they did was wrong.

I’m starting to believe that option two is more on the money.

Of course teens often don’t always make the best decisions, because they have a difficult time considering the long-term consequences of their actions. But few teens would rob a liquor store at gunpoint and then post a picture of themselves doing so. They know that would be stupid.

Why isn’t posting a picture of yourself sexually assaulting someone stupid? The Steubenville Ohio football stars certainly seemed blindsided by the thought that they had done something horribly wrong. Perhaps it’s because in their world, this is normal sexual behaviour. These are the kids coming of age in the world of pornography. Sure, porn has always been with us, but when we were little kids, we had to raid dad’s stash of Playboys or Hustlers out in the shed. It wasn’t accessible at the click of a button.

Today it is. From the first time these kids start having sexual feelings, they see porn. And the lies that porn tells–that sex is only physical, that women enjoy being hurt, that real men take as many women as they can–become part of their sexuality.

Merge pornography with reality TV and we have a culture which promotes becoming famous by capturing people’s attention online. And sexual assault seems to play right into that. Most teens today dream of being famous, of going viral, of becoming a YouTube sensation. And this seems like an easy way.

We are making a grave mistake if we think that pornography is just a harmless way for people to indulge in some fantasy. Most teenagers get their sex education from porn. Sure, the vast majority of those will not go on to assault anybody, but we should not be surprised when some do. We have crossed an important, sacred line. We are teaching kids in their formative years that sex and violence are intertwined, and that everybody likes it that way.

Raehtah Parsons didn’t. And she deserved better. We as adults must take responsibility for the culture that we have created that is literally killing and harming teens. Porn is not harmless. And with so many teenagers growing up viewing it, it will be a tough road to teach them the ideals of sacredness and love and beauty again.

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Deal of the Day

Is your church Sunday School program, VBS, Christian school, or sports program desperate for more funds? Start a Mabel’s Labels fundraiser for your child’s school or daycare! Once the fundraiser has been set up you can shop through a specially created website link and your group gets a percentage of all sales. No more hauling boxes and filling forms because Mabel’s Labels handles all orders, payments and deliveries. Get started today!

Related posts:

Facebook 911
Teenagers Can Be Very Insightful!
Reader Question of the Week: Help with Negative Teenagers

“Christian Sex Book Walks Away with Top Literary Prize…”

So last night my mother and I headed 2 hours west on the highway to attend the Canadian Christian Writing Awards (the Word Gala) in Mississauga, ON. The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex had been nominated for Best Christian Book in the Christian Living category.

That category came and went, and I didn’t win. I wasn’t surprised at all; I’ve been nominated about 10 times for different awards, and I think I won for a column once a few years back. I don’t normally win. And this is a weird book, after all.

But the last award given was the Grace Irwin Prize. Here’s how the program described it:

“The Grace Irwin Prize is Canada’s largest literary prize for writers who are Christian. It celebrates the best book published in 2012 by a Canadian author who writes from a Christian worldview.”

I assumed I wasn’t even eligible, because I hadn’t won in my category. But they take all books in all categories that had been shortlisted, and then a new panel of judges looks at them and chooses.

They announced the five finalists and put the covers on the screen; there was mine. I was floored. And then they started a reading from it. Wow. I hadn’t even prepared a speech!

I’ll let the press release take it from here…

Christian Sex Book Walks Away With Top Writing Award
Twenty-five years of awards celebrated at black-tie Gala

 

Mississauga, Ont. – The Word Awards, the 25th annual writing awards for Canadian writers and editors who are Christian, was a celebration of words, but also a celebration of the gifts God has given to Christian writers and editors, said Denise Rumble, Managing Director, The Word Guild.

The Word Awards, held on June 12, honoured the work of 28 writers in book and article categories for work published in 2012.

It was a book about Christian sex that walked away with a $5000 literary award. Sheila Wray Gregoire of Belleville, Ont. won the Grace Irwin Prize for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (Zondervan), a book written for married women.

Ray Wiseman, who headed the Grace Irwin judging team, said “An intimate and often detailed guide for young women, but a must-read for all married persons and those planning marriage. Well done, Sheila, for daring to write a ‘how-to’ book that ministers to a crying need in the church.”

“Do you know how strange it is to be the Christian sex lady?” laughed Gregoire, as she accepted the award – Canada’s largest literary prize for writers who are Christian, given in honour of the late author, classics scholar and ordained minister Grace Lilian Irwin.

Winners for all awards of the gala evening were chosen from among 285 competing entries from across Canada and beyond – 146 books and 139 shorter pieces, primarily articles that ranged from longer features to book reviews…

The Word Guild is a national association of writers and editors who are Christian. (www.thewordguild.com)

 

Surprised winner Sheila Wray Gregoire with Mr. & Mrs. Irwin

WINNERS LIST 

THE 2013 WORD AWARDS

 

The Grace Irwin Prize

 

Sponsor: John and Eleanor Irwin

The Grace Irwin Prize is Canada’s largest literary prize for writers who are Christian. It celebrates the best book published in 2012 by a Canadian author who writes from a Christian worldview.

Winner: Sheila Wray Gregoire of Belleville, Ont. for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (Zondervan)

I’m still flying high today! I’m really thrilled.

So celebrate with me, but do keep praying for my assistant Holly, whose house is in the path of the Colorado wildfires. Let’s rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.

Related posts:

My Life with a Book Launch, a Video, and The Hunger Games
I’m in the Top 10 Christian Women Blogs!
Christian Birth Control Round-Up

Pray for Colorado….

I have a bigger post (with an AMAZING announcement) coming up later today, but I just want to put a plea in for Colorado…

My assistant, Holly, who does a lot of work on this blog, lives right in the path of the fires. Here’s the email she sent me a few minutes ago:

We got a reverse 911 call at 11:15 saying we are on pre evac mode. They call it ready-set-go. We are supposed to be ready and we are. It smells like a campfire burning in the house. Eyes are burning. Chris is home, so we will likely head out this morning somewhere. Not sure just yet. Keep praying. No containment and it is growing due to erratic winds and high temps.

So I’m a little preoccupied with all kinds of things right now, and just wanted to ask you all to pray for Colorado.

No related posts.

Wifey Wednesday: What He REALLY Wants

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! Well, to be honest, I talk marriage most days, but Wednesdays I ALWAYS do, and I offer a linky at the bottom where you can link up your marriage posts, too.

Men and women are different. We think differently; we relate differently; we want different things.

And with Father’s Day coming up, I thought it would be a good time to re-evaluate how perhaps, just perhaps, their perspective has a point.

I just love this video! I cracked up so hard watching it water came out my nose. Check it out:

Have sympathy for that guy? I do!

And I often have sympathy for guys around Father’s Day, too. Father’s Day is a tough time to be a guy, because at church the sermons tend to be, “Why aren’t you men stepping up the plate?” On Mother’s Day women tend to get roses. On Father’s Day men tend to get yelled at.

There’s also a lot of pressure on men to get the right thing for women on Mother’s Day. But there’s not quite the same pressure on women to get their men something. We’re not the ones who have to be romantic, after all; he’s the one who needs to worry about getting the right present.

Maybe it’s time to turn that on its head!

I’m grateful to have a husband who is not like me. I’m glad he’s a man. I’m glad he’s a great dad, even–or perhaps especially–if he doesn’t parent the same way I do. I’m grateful that he supports me, and encourages me, and loves me. And I think I owe HIM just as much romance as he owes ME.

So, ladies, let’s put some serious effort into Father’s Day this year! Don’t just get him a tie or a Starbucks gift card; get him something he’ll love. Get him tickets for a football game and go with him. Get him some fishing gear. Encourage a hobby. Encourage him in being a man.

But what most men want from their wives, more than any gift, is to know that they are deeply WANTED. Men don’t just want to be loved, and appreciated, and admired. They want to be wanted.

(I know some men suffer from low libido; in about 30% of marriages that’s a big problem, and I’ve written about that here. But in most marriages still the husband wants sex far more than the wife does. So if you have the opposite problem, reading that series may help!)

If you’re reading this blog, it’s likely because you want to make your marriage better. You want to experience that deep love, and deep intimacy, and great fun that a marriage can bring. And you can’t have a great marriage unless you also have a great sex life. I haven’t seen a great marriage where the sex is not also at least good (unless health concerns are a major factor). Sex is how most men feel like men.

Unfortunately, we don’t always connect with sex. Sometimes instead of being a blessing in our relationships it becomes a source of tension. Or it simply gets boring, and kind of rare.

That’s why I wrote 31 Days to Great Sex–to help you connect! I know many of you have already purchased it, but the vast majority of you haven’t. And so I want to talk about it a little bit more today.

Here’s what you get:

The first few days are devoted to seeing sex in a positive way, and talking through your baggage and insecurities.
Then we spend a few days on building emotional intimacy (your friendship),
a few days on building physical intimacy (the fireworks, making sex feel wonderful!),
a few days on spiritual intimacy (the oneness), and
a few days putting habits in place so that you can keep the momentum going once you’re done.

This series takes you step by step in the process of building a fun and intimate sex life. It doesn’t only focus on the mechanics of sex–though there certainly are posts that will help you in that department. It also focuses on building friendship, experiencing real intimacy, and learning to have fun again.

Any two bodies can work together sexually. When we have problems in the bedroom, it’s often not because of our bodies. It’s usually because we aren’t communicating well, or we feel distant from each other, or we’re just nervous. The big benefit of this 31 days is that you’ll actually TALK and communicate about this important part of your life. Talking about it is difficult to do, but the prompts and the posts make it much easier. That’s often when breakthroughs happen!

Buy it in .pdf form (that you can read on a computer, ereader, or print out)

Buy it on Kindle

Buy on Nook

 

How does it work?

Each day has a topic, like “Embracing the Skin She’s In”, “Hitting the Reset Button on your Sex Life”, or “How Do You Decide Your Sexual Boundaries?” There’s a short write-up you read together–about 1-3 pages–and then there’s a challenge for you to do, often containing some conversation prompts. And yes–there’s plenty in there about how to make sex feel great, too.

I get a lot of women writing to me saying,

My husband HATES to read books. Will he read this?

The thing is, it’s not like a regular book. You don’t have to sit down and read 30 pages and then discuss it. Each night you’re really only reading 1-3 pages. That’s it. Then there’s another page for the challenges. The reading is not time consuming, and it isn’t intimidating.

Buy it in .pdf form (that you can read on a computer, ereader, or print out)

Buy it on Kindle

Buy on Nook

Make His Father’s Day Great!

I’ve just uploaded some Father’s Day Coupons that you can print out and give to him to announce that you’ve bought the book. Just put a coupon in an envelope scented with perfume and sealed with a lipstick kiss, and he’ll be tickled pink himself.

When you buy the book, there’s a link inside to the coupons which you can download for free off of my website.

How Does an E-Book Work?

An ebook can be read on any device–a computer, an iPod, a phone, a tablet, an iPad–even an ereader! If you don’t have a particular e-reader (like a Kindle or a Nook or a Kobo), just buy the .pdf version from me. You’ll receive a link so you can download the book onto your computer or device, or you can even print it out if you’d like (it’s around 100 pages).

If you do have a specific ereader, you may prefer to buy it formatted for that reader. In that case,

Buy it on Kindle

Buy on Nook

Buy it on Kobo

Want to learn more about how to read an ebook? This post can help!

Ask men what they want for Father’s Day, and a great sex life would be top of the list! Connect with him like never before. It will be a gift not just for him, but for both of you. And if you’ve already purchased the book, maybe you can plan a wonderful evening for the two of you again. And give him a note in the morning to tell him what you’ve got planned.

Now for all of us: let’s decide to make Father’s Day great! Put in some real effort, and let’s speak his language and show him how much he means to us.

What advice do you have for us today? Link up a marriage post of your own in the linky below! Just put the URL of the post (not your blog) there. And be sure to share this link on your blog, so that people can come here and read all these great posts.

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Does Everything Really Come Down to Sex?
Wifey Wednesday: Sex is Great!
Wifey Wednesday: It’s Not all About You

Pure Hope–Bringing Purity Back to the Bedroom

Our family has been to Africa several times, to a children’s home for rescued kids and teens. We have met girls who were prostituted out by family members. We have met girls who became mothers at 13 and 14 because grandparents sold them for food. We met girls who were imprisoned for being homeless, and who were then used regularly by the guards.

They are pure.

They have found Jesus, and they know that what was done to them does not define who they are. And they know that it’s not just about God seeing them as pure because of what Jesus has done–it’s also that they don’t bear the responsibility for that shame at all. We live in a fallen world, and people acted towards them out of that fallen world. And they know that God has a new start, and a new future, for them.

A few months ago I published the anonymous story of a homeschooling blogger who, long ago, worked as a stripper. She used her body because it made her feel powerful.

She is pure, too. She is pure because she came back to Jesus, and she recognized that what she was doing was wrong. And God is helping her rebuild her life and her marriage.

Purity has received a bit of a drumming in the media lately. There’s been a stream of articles saying something like this:

When Christians preach abstinence, they make anyone who has ever made a mistake or anyone who has been assaulted feel like garbage. Like they’re goods that should be tossed aside.

I do understand this sentiment. Sometimes we phrase purity in the wrong way–as if you can be “tainted” irrevocably; as if these girls in Africa or this homeschooling mom can never, ever get back something precious, and they are ruined for life.

Can we resolve this?

I think we can, and that’s why I’m participating in Purity Day with a bunch of other bloggers to talk about how precious a thing it is. To me, it boils down to this:

Purity has far more to do with what you believe about God now than it does with what you’ve done with your body in the past.

(Click to Tweet this quote).

I am a mother of two teenagers, and so I talk a lot about purity. I really want my children to wait until they’re married to have sex–or even to get sexually intimate with someone else (because let’s face it; you can be intimate without intercourse). But this isn’t because I think they will be worth-less if they don’t wait.

It isn’t because I will be disappointed IN them.

It’s because I will be disappointed FOR them.

God’s design is for sex within marriage, because sex is so much more than physical.

God created sex to unite us in three ways: physically, spiritually, and emotionally. When we take sex outside of the marriage context we make it all about the physical, because you can’t feel like you’re one with someone that you are not committed to. It changes the very nature of sex. And then it becomes harder, when you are married, to experience deep intimacy during intercourse because it’s always been about something else.

That’s one of the reasons God wants us to wait–so that we can experience that real intimacy.

And it’s also because when we don’t wait, and share our bodies before we’ve committed our hearts, we can hurt ourselves. It’s easy to rationalize this away, and say, “if Christians didn’t make people feel guilty over sex they wouldn’t feel badly! The problem is with the church for making everybody feel guilty!”

I don’t think the problem is with God. I think the issue is that, at heart, we know that sex is a deeply personal experience. There’s a reason why we cover ourselves up when we go out of the house. There’s a reason that we dread internal exams at doctor’s offices. There’s a reason that we have nightmares about showing up at school naked.

It’s because nakedness ISN’T something we share with everybody, and we’re born with that instinct that it is something special, to be preserved.

And when it isn’t, we do tend to feel badly. We tend to feel shame.

Now Jesus doesn’t want us to live in shame; He came and died so that we don’t have to.

When we recognize the true nature of intimacy, and how much God loves us, we can recapture that purity, perhaps even to a greater degree. It’s not just about living by rules; it’s about understanding real intimacy. Once we understand purity and intimacy with God, we realize it’s so much more than just what we do with our bodies.

Yet many of us are living in limbo. We want to believe this, but we haven’t experienced that “deep connection” with our husbands in bed. It’s always seemed, well, shallow.

If you feel like you have had sex, but you’ve never made love, it could be that in your marriage you haven’t found that “purity” that God wants for you.

And I can tell you from experience that the physical side of sex feels so much better when the intimacy is also there! They’re both totally and completely intertwined. What I desperately want is for everybody to understand how beautiful it is to make love to their spouse–when you know you are united body, mind and soul.

That is His design.

Colors of Compassion–Hope is a Seed–Premium Cards from Dayspring

But He also made a way so that even if we didn’t live up to it, or even if someone has snatched something precious from us, we can still find that purity, that innocence, that beauty in making love with our husbands. Jesus makes all things new. Jesus died for the shame that we felt, whether due to something we did, or something that was done to us.

If someone assaulted you when you were small, do not let them steal intimacy from you now. God wants more for you.
If you made mistakes when you were younger, Jesus already paid for them. Do not remain mired in that when He wants so much more for you.
If your sexuality has been dented and scarred because of pornography or erotica, you can be remolded and rebuilt so that you can truly make love.
If you’ve always felt like sex was dirty, and that purity meant never, ever thinking about sex, even once you were married, Jesus can call out your sexuality and help you to see ALL forms of intimacy as beautiful.

Everyday on this blog I read comments and get emails from women who are so broken. Porn has ravaged their marriage. Abuse has marred their sexuality. Erotica has damaged their ability to feel “one” with their husbands. And they yearn for that feeling of oneness, that feeling that they can truly make love to their spouse.

You can! But the route isn’t to say that purity doesn’t matter; the route is to say that it DOES matter. It matters greatly. But no matter how big your problems are, God is still bigger. And God wants to enter into that pain and to fill that void and help you experience real intimacy once again.

He’s calling you to get lost in Him. To revel in Him. And as we do that, we’ll develop a healthy and beautiful yearning for true intimacy with our husbands, because our spirituality and our sexuality are so connected.

If more people caught this vision, that intimacy and purity are something so beautiful, and so tender, we’d have less hurt in the world. And we’d have more beauty.

I don’t preach purity because I want people to feel guilty; I preach it because I want people to avoid pain, and I want people to experience true joy in their marriages.

We don’t experience that by denying that sex is a deeply personal experience; we experience it by coming to terms with what sex is, and going to God for release from our pasts and for a vision for our future. That’s something that God offers to all of us, whatever our background. He says, come to me and I will make all things new. He says, “for if the Son has set you free, you are free indeed.”

Can you choose to be free today? Can you choose to walk in that–to leave behind the shame, and the guilt, and the porn or erotica or fantasies? Purity is the route to real freedom. And it is truly beautiful.

Join the Blog About Purity Day! Check out the other blogs participating here, and then share these posts everywhere you can.

If you want a new start with your husband, and a new chance to experience “making love” and not just having sex, I encourage you to try 31 Days to Great Sex. It isn’t “31 days of sex tricks”. It’s 31 days of learning how to communicate, how to dispell the lies we believe about sex, how to laugh together and flirt, and how to explore and have fun. Each day builds on the one before, and it helps you feel so much more connected. It’s the best $5 you’ll ever spend on your marriage!

Related posts:

Why Purity Early Protects You Later
Having Fun in the Bedroom!
Is Your Bedroom Inviting?

Teens, Dating, And Courtship

When I first met my husband dating him was the last thing on my mind.

We met at a Christian drama group. He was dating someone else. I was in love with someone else (and soon dating that guy). I didn’t even really consider dating Keith.

But we hit it off famously. And we started to do things together, mostly in a group. We’d hang out. We went to Bible study. We had lunch. We’d go out for dessert (none of us had money for going out for dinner).

And about a year into this friendship, after I had dumped the other guy, I realized that I actually liked Keith. Like, REALLY liked him. And so I told him. And we started dating.

My feelings for him grew out of a completely platonic friendship.

A few years ago I wrote a post that has gone viral: 7 Steps to Raising a Teen Who Won’t Date Too Young. I wrote it when my girls were 15 and 13. Now they’re 18 and 16. And so I thought it may be time to revisit what I said, and talk about what I did right, and what I did wrong.

If you haven’t read that post, let me sum it up. I said that I believed that the purpose of dating was to figure out who to marry; anything else was just inviting temptation and playing with people’s hearts. So you really shouldn’t date until you’re in a position to marry. And even if you find someone wonderful when you’re young, those years are better spent trying to figure out who you are. Go on missions trips. Get part-time jobs. Encourage a wide range of friendships. When we date, our social world often becomes very small, and then we miss out on many of the chances to figure out what we like and what our calling in life might be.

I didn’t write about setting a series of rules for kids, because I honestly don’t think that works. In this age of cell phones and computers, kids will find ways to “date” even if they don’t go out one on one. So it’s really more about a mindset than it is rules. It’s about raising kids who have your values, and that means talking with them constantly, doing things with them, modelling a great relationship, and emphasizing your values.

I did all that. And now let me tell you how my girls have done, and what I now think as Becca is at the age where she is starting to date a bit.

1. My Girls Haven’t Had “Relationships”

Neither of my daughters has had a serious relationship over their teen years. My youngest is still determined to wait until she is at university; my oldest has had a few guys she might have been interested in, but it went nowhere and it wasn’t that big a deal. She didn’t start getting interested in anyone until she was 17. So they both have held off dating. Yay!

2. My Girls Have Had a TON of Male Friends

One thing that they have done well, though, is that they’ve had a ton of male friends, and for this I’m grateful. I think it’s a good thing to have friends of the opposite sex. It helps them figure out what they like and what they don’t like. It gives them a wider circle of friends. And since my girls have grown up in a family of almost all women, it helps them understand guys. And that’s important!

My girls really are social butterflies. Perhaps because they’ve been involved in Bible quizzing (sounds nerdy; it’s incredibly fun), they’ve met kids from all over North America. And Katie (my 16-year-old) has almost nightly Skype “dates” (they’re not really dates) with a whole lot of different people, some of whom are male. She’s making some wonderful friends.  Rebecca has gotten involved in a college and careers group in a neighbouring university town from ours, and drove out there every Sunday night this year to meet up with some kids. Again, a wonderful experience. And they both go to a camp where there are a ton of Christians. So they have a very wide circle of Christian friends, and they talk to these friends with social media quite a bit.

They have not missed out on anything by not dating, in my opinion. They still have friends; in fact, they have more than if they had been dating. And they have spared themselves a lot of heartache. So I’m grateful.

3. My Girls Love God

First and foremost, both my girls put God first. You don’t have to take my word for it; here’s Rebecca’s blog, where she’s asking the question “why do we emphasize marriage and not God?”

So those are the good things.

Now for the things I’m not as happy about.

1. You Can’t Avoid Heartache–for Everyone

I was naive and thought that, “as long as they don’t date, they won’t have heartache”! To a large extent that’s been true. But my girls have still gone through periodic “will anyone really like me?” periods of angst. It hasn’t been that bad, but it’s been there.

But one thing I forgot was that even if THEY don’t have heartache, guys can. And my girls have had to turn down quite a few guys, and it’s been difficult. There is no way to avoid awkwardness with the opposite sex as a teen, unless you stop talking to those of the opposite sex altogether. And so I wish I had been more proactive in talking to my girls about how to talk to guys when it’s obvious someone likes them.

But the most important thing:

2. “Courtship” May Distort Their View of Marriage and Dating

We emphasized dating=marriage so much that I was worried my girls were fleeing in the opposite direction if they didn’t think they could marry someone. So if one is out for coffee with someone, and she can’t picture herself marrying him, she doesn’t go again.

Yet for about an entire year I couldn’t picture myself marrying Keith. Our love grew out of a friendship. So if you write off everyone you don’t think you can marry after one cup of coffee, you write off an awful lot of people.

We’ve talked and revisited this quite a bit this year, and so my girls no longer have that feeling. But I am afraid that with all the talk of courtship going on in Christian circles, we may be setting up many of our kids never to marry–or to have a hard time finding a mate.

My daughter wants to blog about this soon, and I’ll link to her when she does. But her feelings have evolved on this one, as have mine as I’ve watched her grow up.

I still believe that we shouldn’t seriously date someone we won’t marry. But my definition of “dating” has perhaps changed. I think it is a good thing, once you’re old enough to start considering marriage or getting ready for marriage, to see as wide variety of people as possible (not to get PHYSICAL with a wide variety, but to hang out with a wide variety). You really don’t know who you will like unless you do this.

And whatever you do, don’t put pressure on yourself to marry everyone you go for coffee with. The problem with courtship is that we emphasize marriage so much that kids start thinking there’s something wrong if they’re just having fun. So they start convincing themselves “I’m going to marry this person” when they really don’t know them. After all, they’ve been told since they were young that the only purpose for dating was to get married, so if I’m dating, I must be about ready to get engaged!

This whole idea of courtship puts marriage on the front and centre with every relationship they have. That’s very serious awfully fast.

Then they can feel stuck. I can’t break up with this person I’m dating, because you’re only supposed to date to marry. So they stick it out when they shouldn’t.

But I think it may also discourage many people from making friends of the opposite sex. They’re waiting for the “right one”. Yet how does one meet that right one? By going out there and meeting people! I met the “right one” by having a really close platonic friendship for a year. If I were not seeing anyone, unless they were “the one”, I’d be sitting at home alone today.

I also am afraid that we’re emphasizing “the right one” too much. As Gary Thomas said in Sacred Search, I don’t believe there is only one person you can marry. God lets us choose. And if we start thinking that there is only one person who can complete us, we set ourselves up for disappointment in marriage.

Marriage is about learning to become the right person, not just marrying the right person.

(Click to tweet that quote!)

Yes, we need to be very careful whom we marry. But that’s because we should marry someone we can glorify God together with, not just someone who “completes” us or who gives us those infatuation feelings.

I’ve known a lot of girls who “courted” who married the first man they dated. For some that was a really wonderful thing. For others, I’m not so sure. So I guess what I’m saying is that I’d like my girls to not feel as if every guy they go out for coffee with is someone they must marry. And I’d like them not to throw that person aside if they think they can’t marry them after sharing an hour together.

These years, from 18-22, are when we start figuring out who we are and what God has called us to be. We change so much, and we’re not always sure what we do want. I can’t go back with Becca, and she has a very good head on her shoulders, so I’m not worried about her.

But what I’m telling my 16-year-old is this:

Wait until you’re 18, because relationships just distract you from friendships and experiences and God when you’re in high school. But when you do start to date, get to know a ton of people. Have a wide social circle. Have fun! Don’t play with people’s hearts, but don’t put pressure on yourself, either. And keep close to God, so that when the person He has for you does come along, you will know it. And remember that our purpose isn’t to get married; it’s to glorify God. It’s great if we can do that with someone else, but if God has other plans, He will be big enough for you.

Does that make sense? Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

Related posts:

I Kissed Dating GoodBye
Thoughts on My Baby Growing Up
Preparing Children for Courtship

Quick, Fun Things on a Sunday Afternoon

Aren’t Sundays glorious?

I’m sitting out on my deck typing, Diet Pepsi in hand, enjoying the gentle breeze and watching the birds at my feeder.

As soon as I’m done this I’m going to browse some knitting patterns and start a new project!

I have a few quick things I’d share that may brighten your day, too.

I love how this little guy worships:

So precious!

Here’s another video my kids really laughed at this week (though the song choice is obviously not as good).

A Teen Blogger Asks: Is Marriage All It’s Really About?

Personally, I think this blogger makes a really good point. Too often we teach about purity in the wrong way–stressing too much about marriage and not enough about God. She’s on to something.

Check it out! And pass it on to any youth pastors/young people you know.

Oh, and she’s my daughter, too. (Now’s your chance to see INSIDE THE MIND of someone whom I have formed….)

My Thought for the Afternoon:

Have you cheered your husband on lately? Listened to your wife’s heart? If not, go do it!

Related posts:

A Few Quick Things About To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Reader Question of the Week: Sex is So BORING!

Every weekend I try to answer a Reader Question. Here’s a woman writing that her marriage is boring, sex is boring, and she wonders how to get the excitement back that her marriage is missing:

We have been married for 3 years and we have a 2 year old. We hardly ever have sex because I am normally not in the mood to do anything and I just think it will take too long so I don’t even worry about it. I am not very physical towards him and he tends to be a little too much towards me (kissing neck while I am cooking or grabbing a feel somewhere which doesn’t do anything for me but make me feel like a piece of meat). When our child goes down for bed at night, he goes to his man cave to watch tv and I go to the living room to watch tv until we go to bed late at night. We don’t watch the same shows so staying in the same room doesn’t seem to fit. I feel like we are not what a normal newlywed couple should be and feel like there has got to be more to this life and marriage then what we are doing right now. When we do end up having sex, it is the same thing over and over again so it doesn’t seem to be an exciting thing to do on a daily basis. Can you help me out?

I sure hope I can! That’s exactly what this blog is for.

I’m going to answer this one in a series of links, and then in a couple of exciting announcements (read on!), because I have some great stuff coming that will help you. But I’ve also already written a ton about this, so hear goes:

1. Don’t Let Life Happen To You. Live It!

This may seem like it doesn’t have much to do with sex, but hear me out.

Too many people feel really passive when it comes to their lives. We’re busy. We don’t do things together. There’s no romance.

That may all be true.

But you see, those are all also choices that you have made. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but: If you want something in your marriage–excitement, a great relationship, that feeling of being utterly and completely in love–you have to make it happen.

Movies make it seem as if a great relationship is supposed to be effortless. It just HAPPENS. And so when it doesn’t happen for you, you think, what’s wrong with me?

But that’s not true. I think this graphic sums it up well:

A good marriage is like synchronized swimming–it looks easy, but you don’t see all the work beneath the surface.

(Click to Tweet this quote now!)

So if you want a good marriage, you have to work at it!

And so I’m going to say some harsh things. As a couple, you have decided to spend evenings apart. As a wife, you have decided not to prioritize sex. And as a couple, you have decided not to work on how to make sex better for you.

Now, in each of those cases you made what was the easier decision to make. It’s easier to just let life happen. But if you want a great marriage–and it sounds like you really do,  you’re just stuck–you need to go out there and MAKE it happen! So let’s look at just a few things.

2. Do Stuff Together

Seriously. Don’t spend your life in front of a screen.

I know you have a 2-year-old, so it’s harder. But here are some links that can help.

2 Player Games to Play as a Couple

Pick even just one night a week where you decide not to go on screens, but you decide to play together. Choose a game (and read the comments on that post; great suggestions there, too!). Seriously. Buy a game this weekend. And start playing!

Go for Walks Together

Toddlers are often easier to manage in a stroller. So make a point of going for a walk together after dinner every night. Even if it’s just for twenty minutes, and even if you scatter to different rooms to watch TV afterwards, at least you’ve taken some time to talk.

Just DO Something.

It’s so important! And work on your friendship, because the more you build your friendship, the easier everything else is.

3. Make Love Regularly

You BOTH need this. It isn’t just for him. You need it, too. You need to feel close to him. You need to feel like you have a partner in raising your child. You need to feel as if he won’t leave you and will always love you. Sex does all of that. Plus it helps you sleep better!

But that means that you need to prioritize it. Work throughout the day to get your head in the game. Flirt more!

I totally get you not liking it when he touches you sexually while you’re doing dishes or something. That’s not what you were thinking, and to many women it’s just plain annoying. But it would be less annoying if you were flirting with him at other times. And the reason he’s doing that is to get reassurance that you are interested in him, because it sounds like he’s really struggling.

It also sounds like what you really need to do is work through 31 Days to Great Sex! Honestly, I wrote it just for couples like you. In fact, many of the posts I’ve linked to are incorporated into the challenges. He sounds like he is slowly separating himself from you because he isn’t sure that you really want him anymore. And you are separating yourself from him because it all seems like too much of a chore.

You don’t want to live like that! You don’t want to settle for that! But it’s going to take talking about it, developing new habits, and prioritizing it. And here’s an easy way to work through that with your husband. It’s not like it’s 31 days of sex tricks; it’s helping you talk; tell him what you want; develop your friendship; work on feeling intimate; and have fun in bed. They’re all interconnected!

With Father’s Day coming up, it’s a great time to buy it for him. So pick it up as his Father’s Day gift, and then tell him, “I really want to go through this together!” (I know many of you reading this blog already have the book; but according to some surveys I’ve done, about 80% of those who read this blog regularly haven’t. Honestly, it has more in it than this blog does. It goes into much greater depth, and it’s laid out to work through as a couple. So for those of you who keep hearing about it, but haven’t bought it, trust me, it’s good. And it’s only $4.99!)

4. Making Sex Feel Wonderful

Finally, it sounds like one of the reasons you’re struggling is because sex just isn’t that exciting. 31 Days to Great Sex will definitely help you with that!

And I’m also starting a new blog series in two weeks on how to make your toes curl.

I want to help us not just make love, but also have tremendous fireworks at the same time. It’s going to be a ton of fun, and I’ll be telling you more about that series this week. So stick around!

If you want your marriage to be great, you need to work at it. If you want to create a certain life for yourself, you need to chase it down, not just wait for it to show up. And your marriage is worth chasing after! So get the 31 Days to Great Sex. Have fun together. Laugh together! And make sex great. Yes, it takes effort. Yes, you’re tired. Yes, he may not be too enthusiastic (he may, for instance, think that you’re criticizing him). But push through. If you want this, go out and get it. Jesus didn’t say, “sit back and let life happen”. He wanted to give us an ABUNDANT life. And that means seeking after God, and the things that we know that God wants us to have–in abundance.

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: What Touch Means
Reader Question of the Week: Sexless Marriage
Reader Question of the Week: Are We Captivating our Husbands or Competing for Them?