Randy Kamen's Blog, page 8

Who Are You?

Wherever you are in your life, the big question is, “Who do you want to become?”

In this email, I’m suggesting that you consider doing a brief journaling exercise which will shed light on your life purpose. I encourage you to go for the ride. Stay open and let yourself go uncensored as you move through these questions.

It helps to take a few belly breaths or practice a brief meditation before getting started as this will help you to to get more grounded and focused.

Journaling exercise #1

What’s missing in your life?

What gifts are you blessed with?

What do you wish to do or create?

What do you hunger for?

What do you love doing?

Every moment, you have the opportunity to choose to go this way or that.

Your life purpose is to take action and break the old patterns and reclaim who you really are.

You’re the CEO or leader of your life. It’s up to you to make your life rich and compelling. Everything can change once you decide to take charge and call the shots, creating the life you always intended for yourself.

There will be problems and barriers—they come with the territory. It’s never easy—in some ways life only gets harder and more complicated—but you can choose to be stronger, more resilient and more resolved about the life that you must have for yourself.

Challenges and loss are inevitable but they also help you to grow and to discover what’s most important.

There’s no more time for settling for the stuff that may be keeping your life mediocre and inauthentic. Now is the best time turn your dreams into realities.

Journaling exercise #2

Take a moment to think and write down four of your strengths or “super powers.” For example, you’re great at connecting with others, you love to facilitate and make things happen, you’re passionate about travel and adventure, you’re loving and compassionate.

Think about how you will bring these qualities more fully into your life starting today.

Brainstorm without judgment or censorship what you are going to do to become more of the person you long to be.

Let your stream of consciousness flow and shape this into a mission statement that describes who you are at your essence and what you are striving for in your life. Craft this into one core sentence over time.

Write down the four goals you have for this year. It doesn’t matter that we are in the heat of the summer. The time is now.

These goals will help guide you. Refer back to them as needed. Know that part of your work as the CEO of your life is to always be actively engaged in personal growth. We can’t keep giving without replenishing ourselves.

As we continue to deepen and expand our potential and give to ourselves we have more to give to others—more space to make a difference for the greater good of all.

The Death of Perfect

Do you sometimes strive for perfection at home, at work, making plans or even just having a dinner party? Are you left feeling anxious or worried that you’ve not done your best?

I wrote this article for the Huffington Post a while back. I’ve reworked it a bit and thought it might be of value to you. The timing seemed so relevant given the concerns that have been coming up with friends, colleagues and clients.

Linda, a 42-year-old successful attorney with two young boys, felt guilt and disappointment both on the job and at home. She never quite felt that she was where she needed to be at any given time.

For all of her significant accomplishments, she often ended up feeling like a failure as a lawyer and as a mother. When she was on the job, she felt like she should be spending more time with her children. When she was home with the kids, she felt like she was wasting her talents and abilities.

The standards that she set for herself were impossibly high, creating a built-in form of sabotage. She made little time for her own self-care and often felt exhausted. Linda ran from home to work and back home again.

She began to isolate from her friends, as she could not justify taking the time to make plans and time away from her responsibilities. Linda gave up her Pilates class and no longer felt romantically-inclined. Her once healthy sex life slowly began to slip away.

Everything and everyone became a distraction that took her away from the demands of her children and work. She now suffered from headaches, sleeplessness, and displayed signs of anxiety and depression.

Linda’s need to be perfect at home and on the job was making her sick and unhappy. She felt as though she was a constant disappointment to her family and coworkers. Mostly, she was cheating herself out of the potential to enjoy the rich and beautiful life she had created for herself.

Her self-imposed demands to be a perfectionist came from growing up in a family where expectations ran unrealistically high, and rarely did she or anyone else measure up.

Linda internalized these early messages and took them to heart. They were taking a significant toll on her well-being, her work and her relationships. She needed to learn how to override these voices from her past and learn to savor more of the good in her life on a daily basis.

Perfectionism is the belief that mistakes cannot be made and that the highest standards of performance in all aspects of their life must consistently be met.

Some characteristics of a perfectionist include:

Sets unrealistic goals and standards.
Personalizes mistakes and perceives them as a lack self-worth.
Depletes energy levels by being preoccupied with the fear of failure.
Interprets comments and suggestions as criticism.
Exhibits rigid behavior out of a fear of making mistakes.
Gets anxious or frustrated with outcomes falling short of perfection.
The challenge was for Linda to preserve her goal of excellence while setting standards for her life that were realistic and attainable.

Does any of this sound like you or someone you love?

Strategies for Taming Perfectionism

1. Become more fully present.

When you truly live in the moment, when you are with your children, you can really devote that time to them. The same is true for work. A simple belly breathing exercise can bring you back into the now.

Belly or abdominal breathing can help rapidly change the responses of the mind and body. The body moves from the “fight or flight” response, or the arousal of the sympathetic nervous system, to a calmer state known as the “relaxation response,” or the parasympathetic response.

Practice by taking five deep belly breaths twice or three times a day, with an emphasis on a complete exhalation. The relaxation occurs on the exhalation. Notice how you feel after each round of five breaths. Even just a couple of deep breaths change your physiology, decrease anxiety, and ease you into the moment.

When you practice the belly breathing you’ll decrease your stress level and be able to be more fully present wherever you are and whomever your with, giving yourself greater mastery in your life and a heightened sense of personal empowerment—without having to be perfect.

2. Develop mindfulness.

Deep breathing also helps build mindfulness. A brief meditation technique practiced twice daily can help accelerate your ability to be mindful and benefit you in countless other ways mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Learning meditation is easy. The problem most people have is in the follow through. It might help to listen to some guided meditations on CDs or iTunes.

Ideally, I find that it is best to internalize the practice of meditation. That is, to practice on your own, needing no props or anything external. In other words, learn how to practice the meditation until it becomes a part of your daily routine.

Some of the benefits of meditation include greater clarity of thought and ability to focus, heightened ability to relax, decreased stress and anxiety, lower heart rate and blood pressure and enhanced creativity.

At first, the meditation takes commitment. However, after a few weeks of practice you’ll like discover that the rewards are so compelling that you’ll want to continue making this a part of your life.

3. Learning the value of “good enough.”

Learning to give yourself permission to do your best in your role of mother, daughter, partner, professional and knowing when your efforts were “good enough” is a great gift for anyone who suffers with the idea that things must be perfect.

As far as I am concerned, we must come together and institute the idea of “the death of perfection.” Perfectionism is harmful to our psyches because ultimately it’s unattainable and makes us feel like we are “less than,” even when we are doing our best.

The notion of the “good enough mother” or the “good enough lawyer” does not mean that you compromise your integrity or commitment to your responsibilities, but rather that you embrace the multiple roles of life fully and realistically and do your best.

Also, try being less critical of others and treating them with patience and compassion. This will improve your relationships and will likely reduce your fear of being judged by others.

4. Progress, not perfection.

Use an affirmation such as “Progress, not perfection.” An affirmation is a phrase or statement that either asserts the truth or conveys some positive thought that is within the realm of possibility.

Other examples could be, “Here I go again. Enough!” or “Stop! I’m doing my best.” Whatever simple statement speaks to you that breaks the obsessive thinking is probably a good one for you to use.

To practice your affirmation, first take a few deep breaths to get grounded. Affirmations are particularly effective when you are in a relaxed state, as that is when your mind is most receptive to suggestion.

Then, repeat your phrase. It’s as simple as that. You can do this while getting ready for your day, in the car, while exercising, or whenever it comes to mind.

Over time repeating the affirmation “progress, not perfection” will help you to create an attitudinal shift that will better equip you to accept your own limitations as well as those of your family members, friends, and coworkers.

Over time, you might even notice a greater sense of compassion for yourself. The “death of perfection” is a radical notion that when embraced helps to liberate us in today’s wildly demanding world.

5. Celebrate your accomplishments.

Most of us move so swiftly from one accomplishment to another that we don’t get to savor or appreciate what we have done. Instead, we focus on what needs to happen next, which can lead to feeling overwhelmed or depressed.

Focus on your successes and make sure you find a way to acknowledge your achievements, big and small. You need to be your best cheerleader. Not only does this build your sense of joy, but it is also contagious.

When others see you appreciating your own accomplishments, they are likely to do the same, which then creates a more joyful environment at home and work.

Surround yourself with people who are less caught up in the pursuit of status, material possessions, and money—people who appreciate friendship, family, and community.

Once Linda was able to let go of the idea of perfection, she became open to experiences and ideas that expanded her learning potential.

She understood that disappointments and mistakes were unavoidable, and she now had some tools to help her to recover faster from these setbacks. The belly breathing, mini-meditation and affirmation techniques she now practiced routinely allowed her to be more fully present.

The old voices that reminded Linda of her inadequacies quieted down and were replaced by a more healthy perspective of doing her best.

Linda began taking greater pleasure in her time with her children, her man, and her work. The more present she became, the more she savored her days and experiences. Inadvertently, she was also teaching her children the value of good enough and self-compassion.

How do you tame the harsh demands of perfectionism in your multiple roles?

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments.

How do I make lasting change?

This week I got asked by a client, “How do I stick to the changes I’m working so hard to make?” I thought this would be great to address in my next email to you.

Do you struggle with making lasting changes that you know will improve the quality of your life?

Maybe it’s drinking more water, eating more greens, picking up the phone and connecting more with friends…

For many of us, the decision to make certain important changes comes from a deep place within about what we want most in our lives. Lasting change and getting what we long for in life comes from a sustained vision of our goals and dreams.

Mostly, we resolve to change behaviors that relate to the way we take care of ourselves and our relationships. After all, we all want to be the fullest expression of our best selves. Often, we are successful in these efforts and other times not so much.

Certain actions can be taken that, when practiced regularly, can support us in making durable change. Learning a few sound strategies about how to strengthen the behaviors that support and nourish our wishes to be healthier, happier, and more connected puts us in a position of greater personal power.

What is the behavior you want to change?

10 Strategies for lasting change

1. Awareness

Living your vision means being aware of your choices as you move through the day. Get clear about the big picture—what you want life to look and feel like.

As you bring the behavior you wish to change to conscious awareness, pay close attention to your thoughts and feelings surrounding this behavior.

Notice the physical and emotional responses that your unwanted behavior evokes. Start with one particular behavior rather than overhauling your whole lifestyle all at once.

2. Substitute An Unwanted Behavior With a Desirable Behavior

When we feel deprived of the object of our desire and do not have a substitute, we are setting ourselves up for failure. We will likely return to our old familiar patterns because there is no reward to help us through times of heightened cravings or unhealthy patterns.

When you want to eat compulsively, for example, get yourself to take a walk or call a friend, so that rather than caving into emotional eating, you are getting fresh air or social support.

Giving up an unhealthy behavior is not about deprivation—it’s about gaining a better and more fulfilling life. It’s about self-love.

3. Practice, Practice, Practice

Take some deep belly breaths or meditate for a few minutes. This will ground you and train your mind and body to react differently to the usual stimuli. Then when you feel triggered to opt for the unhealthy choice, tap into your ability to pause, breathe and consider your options.

This will slow you down and help you to make wiser decisions. When you resort to the old behavior, know that all you have to do is hop back onto the path that best supports you.

4. Learn To Tolerate Difficult Feelings

There is a natural rise and fall to your feelings. Think of a bell curve. Feelings (anger, sadness, remorse, guilt) rise and then inevitably fall.

It is not unusual to experience feelings of loss around giving up or changing a particular behavior. Making a change can be challenging under the best of circumstances. You may notice that disturbing feelings emerge as you begin to change old patterns of behavior. For example, smoking and overeating or eating junk food may be a way of self-soothing.

When you modify any of these behaviors, you might notice an increase in stress, anxiety, depression or fear. Your current habits may temporarily alleviate painful feelings and allow you to go numb or relax in the short term. Remind yourself that this feeling will pass and know that it’s okay to feel uncomfortable. Practice your substitute behavior!

5. Breathe Deeply

Every breath presents us with a new opportunity to change. Every step of the way, we have a choice to go this way or that. Deep breathing helps to calm the body and allows us to think more clearly. The power lies within at any given moment to make healthy or unhealthy choices, to love or to be unloving, to be compassionate or show indifference. Ask yourself: “How is this going to help me?”

6. Repeat Your Affirmations

Rather than focusing on thoughts of deprivation, affirmations are positive and reinforcing statements that can support us in making lasting behavioral change. “I can do this!” “My lungs feel clean and clear.” “My body feels healthy and strong.” “I can handle these powerful feelings.”

These are examples of affirmations that can strengthen you in anticipation of cravings or during vulnerable moments. Remember that feelings are fleeting and that the intensity of any emotion you experience will subside.

Reminding yourself of this can be quite liberating. Consider that in this moment you can handle these sensations and know that they will not endure. Breathe and let your simple, positive affirmations sink into the recesses of your brain. Repeat them often throughout the day.

7. Slow Down And Focus

Ideally, get plenty of sleep and keep chaos to a minimum when you are trying to make behavioral change. You will be most effective when you are rested and not feeling stressed. Of course, it is not always possible to maintain ideal conditions, but moving in that direction will help you in the process of making lasting change.

Also, know that it takes time and can take several if not many attempts before the old behavior is in the past and the new, healthier behavior is internalized.

The good news is the more often you attempt to change a behavior, the more likely you will succeed. It behooves you to keep reminding yourself of your vision, going back to the basic mindfulness exercise and to practicing your affirmations.

8. Keep a Journal

Changing a habit takes practice and commitment. Write down a realistic plan for the habit your want to change and establish a start date. You can continue to refer to your strategy once it is written.

Make note of the triggers for your unwanted behavior. Keeping a journal gives you a place to record your thoughts and feelings. It will also help you to stay the course and to see patterns and progress.

Write down the substitute behaviors you will put into action preemptively or when the urge for old habit strikes. Perhaps you can also explore: What are your fears and doubts concerning making this change? What keeps you from having the life you want and deserve?

What would your life be like if your were to truly make this change? Keep your journal active for at least two months or until the replacement behavior feels firmly established.

9. Have a Support Team In Place

Perhaps you can join a group for support until the change is firmly in place. Let your family and friends know what you are trying to accomplish and enlist their support. Share your plan with trusted others, not for approval, but to make it more real for you.

You might need to stay away from places where you can become easily triggered. Shaking things up a bit from the routine also helps you from reverting to the old familiar patterns. Until the awareness of triggers and your replacement behaviors are strong, it is best to be exquisitely mindful of your choices.

10. Be Compassionate With Yourself

We tend to be hardest on ourselves for slipping into an old pattern. Remember to be patient and practice self-love. Your behavior towards yourself is a reflection of your behavior towards others.

Be deeply compassionate with yourself and then head right back to step one. Each time you return to the behavior you want to change you’ll likely feel stronger and more resolved. Remember, the more you try to change a behavior, the more likely you are to succeed in making that change last.

How have your succeeded in making lasting change? I love to know some of your secrets or strategies.

How to Put Together Your Ideal Community

“What do I do when I don’t have a good, healthy support system?”

After my last email about “Who’s got your back?”, I heard from several people asking me how to build a healthy support system.

Keep in mind that the common experience of most happy, fulfilled and successful people is having the support of others along their journey.

For those who tough it out alone, life can be tumultuous and unnecessarily stressful. The paradox is that many of us choose to go it alone when facing challenges, not realizing that connection ultimately moves us through the pain.

Suffering through a holiday alone, dealing with a difficult diagnosis, making a complicated business decision, or experiencing any of life’s setbacks can be mitigated when we access the members of our team that we know have our backs. If our team or community is not in place we must work to cultivate a support system.

Some tips and strategies:

“What do I need to do to put a community of good people together into my life?”

Think about the time you were doing your best. Who did you have around you then? Was it family, friends, colleagues? Perhaps you had a doctor you relied upon, a colleague, a therapist, a religious community…
Reaching out for help from others takes courage but ultimately helps us attain our goals more quickly and certainly makes the ride more fun.  We need each other to thrive – physically, emotionally and professionally—throughout the life cycle.
If you reach out to someone and they aren’t particularly responsive, don’t personalize. Everyone is doing the best they can. Move on and dare to reach out to someone else in your life space.
Some ideas for meeting other like minded souls might be to volunteer, take classes (dance, exercise, art, history, travel), join book clubs, parent groups, Women in Business, Toastmasters, Guilds, a religious organization, Chamber of Commerce, etc. My recommendation is that whatever you sign up for is something that truly captures your interest. Then whoever you meet will be sharing something meaningful with you.
Making friends and building your support team is like courting—it takes time and shared experiences to get to know and trust each other. Reach out to those you think you’d like to connect with.  It’s amazing how just talking to someone can lift your spirits and ease the impact of the challenges that you face.
Creating a reserve of support is a great way to enhance your relationships. If possible, expand your network of friends beyond just one or two. Our hearts have a remarkable capacity to hold many others at once. In that way, it’s likely that someone will be there when you are in need.
When people offer their help, say, “YES!” Allow them the privilege of supporting you. Reach out to others in your community who you know already have good support network. Ask them about how they created their “posse.” What were their strategies? The more committed you are to building your tribe, the more others will want to engage and assist you.
Equally important to creating relationships with others is honoring your relationship with yourself–carving out time every day, if only for an hour, to nurture yourself. Self-care helps to rejuvenate, adding sparkle to your life, making you less needy and giving you the vitality you need to risk reaching out to others.
Become accountable to others while building your support system. Letting others know what you are creating is a catalyst for success.
If everyday you move the needle forward by taking one action—making one phone call or one plan for the week ahead—you’ll be on your way to building your community. Every member of your team matters and needs to be treated accordingly. The dividends have huge implications, leading to a happier, more vibrant and meaningful life.

I’d love to know your thoughts about creating your own support system.

Who’s Got Your Back?

Are you getting the support you need as you navigate through these years?

Your support team, community or “tribe” are the people in your life who are available to you for practical, emotional and moral support.

Cultivating and maintaining a healthy support team helps us to better navigate the course our lives and helps us to feel connected, loved and valued.

A support team gives us the feeling that we are part of something bigger than our selves.

Did you know that your support team buffers you against the negative effects of stress and provides a multitude of psychological and physical benefits—while it improves your quality of life and leads to greater longevity?

Also, it’s been shown that the fastest way to get to your own happiness is to help someone else. Altruism begets happiness.

Do you sometimes isolate when feeling stressed or vulnerable?

Sometimes we retreat from others without even realizing that we’re doing so. The truth is that isolating or hiding out deepens feelings of loneliness, depression and anxiety.

Our charge is to resist this temptation and remain engaged. Tapping into or creating a support system is without a doubt one of the most vital keys to health and well-being, even or especially during our darkest days.

The give and take that happens within a healthy support system helps to protect against the burn-out or chronic fatigue that comes with loneliness and disconnection.

We are social beings. We are happier and healthier when we stay connected with others. Our brains are built for social interaction.

Who’s on your support team?

The best of your support systems encompass the people in your life who can share in your joys, sorrows, accomplishments, challenges and losses.

Speaking freely with someone who cares, listens without judgment and ultimately gets you has a profound effect on your sense of self. Even when “answers” don’t emerge, sharing often helps to reshape the inner experience of a problem.

Each person in your network will offer their unique perspective and way of providing support. No one person can satisfy all of the needs of another.

So…it is incumbent upon us to cast a wide net to invite people into our lives so that we can tap into and enrich the multiple facets of ourselves.

For example, expecting that your partner can be all things at all times to you is a recipe for disappointment and conflict. The same is true with a best friend. It is always best to create a wide circle of relationships—for optimal support and joy.

Who ya gonna call?

I recommend that you hone in on your tribe and spend your precious time surrounding yourself with those members of your community that offer support, compassion, love – and let’s not forget fun!

What do you think makes for a great “tribe” or community of friends and loved ones?

What brings you happiness?

What brings you happiness?

It’s so seductive to get caught up in the thinking that once I get married, have this child or grandchild, get this car, eat at this fabulous restaurant, travel to Bali…then I’ll be happy.

Early on in my career I often operated under the misguided belief that accomplishing certain goals would make me happier. Inevitably after getting there I would find that yes, that was cool—but nothing much changed in terms of my happiness factor.

Most of us have rather uninformed ideas about what brings happiness.

We now know that money buys happiness only for those lacking in the basic necessities. Other than that there is typically a fleeting boost or high that comes with getting more “stuff.” Sadly, in most cases this feeling quickly fades. Then we’re off and running, seeking the next “hit.”

What do you do that predictably brings you happiness? How long does that feeling of joy last?

It’s been shown that we have a built in “happiness quotient” where we inevitably return regardless of what we do or buy.

However, new evidence shows that it is possible to move that needle towards greater joy. But it isn’t done from the outside in—it’s entirely an inside job. When we can quiet down the clammer from all the distractions and temptations, we are poised to discover what actually matters most to us—and very often this is quite different from what we have thought or usually pursue.

As we develop greater inner peace and a more authentic relationship with ourselves we are also able to establish more genuine connections with others.

It’s our relationships that move the happiness needle in the right direction and in a more meaningful and lasting way.

Creating inner peace within:

Find that place of peace inside—by sitting or lying in stillness. You can meditate for a few minutes or take some belly breaths and relax. Remind yourself that this time is important and though it may feel like nothing is happening—you’re developing a connection within. This is where inner peace begins.
Return to this place a couple of times a day or whenever you feel yourself going into a zone that feels challenging or stressful. Spend a few minutes or how ever long you need to relax, to belly breathe and to settle down. Find your sense of well-being. Trust that it will come with practice.
Let go of any aspects of negativity, of hostility, of stress that is within your control. Watch what you say and quite simply try to move through your day treating yourself kindly and not engaging in anything you know in your heart may be hurtful to another.
Return to your place of inner peace and expand this consciousness. At the beginning, this sense of inner peace is all about you and locating this place within. As you become more familiar and comfortable with the experience and awareness of inner peace, allow it to expand its reach and include those in your life space and eventually beyond.

When you discover and cultivate your experience of inner peace that’s when the magic begins to happen. Operating from this place of calm awareness brings us to know ourselves and the value of our relationships. It is at the intersection of inner peace and healthy connections with others that we ultimately find the most durable and deeply satisfying measure of happiness.

How do you find that place of well-being, of inner peace?

“I feel old, tired and fat.”

What are your first thoughts in the morning upon awakening?

Recently while leading a “Retrain the Brain” workshop at Kripalu I asked participants to write down in their journals the first thoughts they had upon awakening—either while still in bed or in the bathroom.

After about five minutes we reconvened and I asked them to share their discoveries. Silence prevailed until one brave soul offered up, “I usually start my day telling myself how much I hate all that’s in front of me.”

Another quietly added, “I head right to the mirror, take one look and it reminds me just how old, tired and fat I am.” And yet another, “I wake up just wishing I could do whatever the hell I want—without anyone telling me what to do!” And another, “I can’t stand the bags under my eyes and those hideous puppet lines.” And so it went…

Do you sometimes speak to yourself in ways that are negative or perhaps even self-injurious?

Self-talk dictates how you relate to and feel about yourself and how others relate to you. If, for example you feel like you’ve got nothing valuable to say, you will likely convey that

message to others and perhaps invite disinterest: a self-fulfilling prophecy.

There are some effective ways to alter your relationship with this inner critic:

Practice positive self-talk—for your physical and emotional well-being. Start by following one simple rule: Don’t say anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say to a friend, a child, or a loved one. Be gentle and supportive with yourself. If a negative thought enters your mind, quickly evaluate it rationally and then reframe it from a positive and loving perspective.
Name your evil inner critic—an idea suggested by researcher and story teller extraordinaire, Brené Brown. She suggests naming that mean, unsupportive voice—ideally with something that brings you a smile. For example, “The Nag”, “The naysayer”, “Debbie Downer”, “My inner mother.” This helps break through the emotional hold that keeps you small. With practice, you can learn to short circuit the negativity.
Surround yourself with positive people––Make sure your friends and loved ones support you in healthy ways. Protect yourself from those who fall short in the loving kindness department. Negative people increase your stress levels and may feed into the questioning of your own self worth. Don’t hand over your personal power to anyone—that’s yours to own the whole ride through. Remember…you are the CEO of your life!

How might you turn your inner critic into your new best friend?

As always I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments.

Are you kind to your partner?

What do your most intimate relationships feel like?

A couple came in to see me recently, clearly feeling likely they were headed for divorce. I observed the way they spoke to each other. They seldom made eye contact and when they did it was with a good deal of hostility.

As they sat next to each other on my “love seat” they positioned themselves as far apart as was physically possible. They spoke to me as if the other wasn’t present and appeared readied for “fight or flight” during our initial sessions. That is, they were armed for attack or escape.

Maureen gave examples of how Richard was selfish and neglected tending to her needs. She didn’t feel he was interested in what she did or had to say. Maureen felt painfully rejected and her importance to him minimized.

Richard spoke of how Maureen spent too much time shopping and with her friends and was no longer interested in him or in having sex. Richard also felt rejected.

Maureen and Richard didn’t have the necessary communication skills to express their true concerns to each other —so instead they felt increasingly hurt and alienated—defensively finding reasons to be critical and judgmental of the other. Their relationship was slowly coming undone.

Have you ever experienced a relationship that once felt close to your heart and over time seemed to slip away and deteriorate?

Not only is this unpleasant—it can be heartbreaking.

According to the research the four biggest predictors of failed relationships is being critical, withdrawing, righteous indignation or defensiveness, and contempt.

Contempt is by far the most serious offender—rolling the eye, signaling disgust in some way or communicating the message that “I don’t care about you or the boat you came in on…” This is the ultimate deal breaker for any relationship. It makes the other feel small, unlovable, and unworthy.

Partners who treat their loved ones with contempt destroy the love in the relationship. Being mean to one another is the death knell of relationships—whether a couple stays together or not.

So what is the antidote here?

As you might expect kindness is the glue that bonds couples and friends together. Research shows that being kind is the biggest predictor of satisfaction and stability in a relationship.

Kindness makes each partner/friend feel valued, validated and loved. Kindness breeds kindness and generosity of spirit. The good news is that kindness is an “emotional muscle” that can be developed with practice over time.

I’ve been working with Maureen and Richard for several months now and the jury is still out if they will make it through—but I can tell you that the quality of their conversations has changed dramatically over time. They make more eye contact and have been learning to take pause with some deep belly breaths–so that they have an opportunity to think before they speak or pass judgment. I’m hopeful that they will find kindness and eventually that spark again.

What do you do when the critic within takes hold and communication begins to feel impossible?

I’d love to hear your comments and suggestions.

Stop Rehearsing Unhappiness

Do you sometimes feel so overwhelmed with the day ahead that you unwittingly compound matters with the inner voice of negativity?

A few weeks ago I saw a client that I had worked with some years ago. Sophie came back to see me for a few follow-up sessions. She’d been feeling depressed and to make matters worse her once chronic back pain had returned with a vengeance.

Sophie quickly revealed that nothing she’d been doing was helping. She had consulted with an orthopedist who said that he did not detect anything of concern and wondered if her pain issues might be stress-related. Must say I was amazed that an orthopedist tuned into this distinct possibility.

As we continued to talk I discovered that Sophie also felt overwhelmed in her job as a corporate attorney, her mother was ailing and she and her husband had begun to ramp up their bickering. Sophie was miserable!

Do you ever have those days, which can stretch into weeks, when it feels like just everything sucks and it’s not going to get better anytime soon?

I was curious and then asked Sophie how she started out her day? What were her first words to herself?

She told me that she awoke with immediate thoughts of how crappy the day was going to be. She had to drag herself out of bed and into the bathroom. There she would greet her face in the mirror observing how old and fat she’d become. Sophie had become her own cruelest enemy.

This is where I knew we needed to begin. We had to create some morning rituals that would help her to stop rehearsing and reinforcing her unhappiness and pain. We needed to retrain her brain.

Here’s how I advised Sophie: Upon awakening before doing anything else—bathroom break aside—practice belly breathing either sitting up or lying down for about 3 minutes.

The belly breathing induces a state of relaxation–which is when the mind is most receptive to suggestions–positive or negative.

Then I wanted Sophie to repeat a simple, positive statement about the way her day would play. Whatever she said had to be within the realm of possibility and hold a modicum of optimism.

She couldn’t think of anything–so we talked further and eventually settled on, “I’m going to find some beauty and joy in this day.” This would come after the breathing and become her morning routine.

I recommended further that when she went into a dark place to gently remind herself to replace negative thoughts and even her experience of pain with this phrase, “I’m going to find some beauty and joy in this day.”

I also advised Sophie to build into her schedule a walk, preferably outside, for the fresh air and movement which would be healing for both her mind and body.

Yesterday I spoke to Sophie who without her awareness inspired me to write this email. She felt better than she had in some time. Although she had a ways to go—she felt more hopeful about her life as it was–without wishing and needing everything to be different. In addition, her pain felt much more manageable. She was beginning to once again notice and experience what was good in her life–she could feel its sweetness.

What do you do when days start to feel bleak? I’d love to hear what strategies or ideas you have for elevating your day-to-day happiness factor.

Did You Know that HOW You Breath Matters?

Did you know that belly breathing not only induces a state of relaxation but it is also the healthiest and most healing way to breathe? Belly or abdominal breathing is one of the simplest, most effective and elegant antidotes to stress, negativity, and anxiety. By taking just a few deep breaths, we can transform the way the brain fires and body reacts.

From a physical perspective we know that good nutrition, exercise and rest are basic to nurturing the mind and body.

Less talked about is the need to oxygenate the brain and actually, our entire body. When we’re stressed, our sympathetic nervous system (SNS) is stimulated and our heart rate rises, we sweat, muscles tense and breathing becomes rapid and shallow.

When we continue to breathe shallowly and rapidly for long stretches of time, the SNS becomes over-stimulated, creating an imbalance that can lead to inflammation, increased heart rate, blood pressure and pain—to name a few of the unhealthy effects.

Think of how often you get anxious or stressed about something—with no release in sight. The chronicity of this stress response is a predictor for diseases, illnesses and accidents.

Slowing and deepening your breathing is the most efficient way to reverse the negative effects of stress. While in the middle of a crisis we might not be able to think about the way we are breathing, most of the time we can. This means taking conscious abdominal breaths that elicit a “relaxation response” or the initiation of the parasympathetic nervous system.

We see how our bodies know to do this naturally when we take a deep breath or sigh when feeling a sense of relief after some stressful event.Controlled breathing triggers the “relaxation response” or the activation of the parasympathetic nervous system.

 The more we can tap into this state of calm, the more likely we are to be clear and centered.

The simplest way to practice this is to get into the “constructive rest” position. This method comes from the Alexander Technique. You do this by lying down on your bed or the floor with a couple of pillows supporting your knees and a small, mushy pillow or rolled up towel to support your neck.

Put your hands on your belly, with your thumb at your navel and fingers below. You can also place a book on your belly. Now when you breathe in, you should notice a rise in your belly and when your breathe out, you should notice your low belly flatten…and repeat. That’s abdominal breathing. It’s easy to get the hang of it while lying down.

Then practice the belly breathing while sitting, standing, driving, spending time with friends, etc. At first, you will undoubtedly need to bring your conscious awareness to the belly breathing, but in time it will become automatic.

The constructive rest position helps you to make the unconscious act of breathing conscious until you become so good at the belly breathing that it becomes automatic and can once again become unconscious. Once you’ve internalized the belly breathing, you’ll likely notice a significant difference in your experience of stress, anxiety and pain.

This kind of breathing helps you to manage emotional and physical sensations with greater ease and inner calm.

Practice breathing in the constructive rest position for just a few minutes upon awakening or whenever you wish to get grounded and notice how you feel.

I’d love to hear what you notice from this practice.