Randy Kamen's Blog, page 6

Rightsizing and what really matters

A few weeks ago we moved from our home of almost thirty years—our four bedroom—four bathroom—two office home to a tiny one bedroom, one bathroom apartment. Fortunately the ceilings are high. The vertical space makes up for a multitude of sins…

Over recent weeks tears have given way to disbelief which then morphed into unexpected exhilaration. A cacophony of other emotions continue to weave their way through my mind and body as they inevitably do.

Our two children went from baby land into young adulthood there. Our beautiful Portuguese Waterdog lived his entire and overly indulged life there. I received the terrible news about deaths of first my mother and then years later my father while there.

So many joys and sorrows associated with our home. Now all of it is part of the tapestry that makes up a life—or at least one significant part of that life.

The births, the parties, the celebrations, the losses, the passages…

Decluttering doesn’t quite capture what we did in order to downsize into our apartment—where we’ll be living for the coming year.

After that we move into a condominium which by then will feel spacious compared to the teeny apartment we now call home.

Amazing how fast is all goes. I have the videos, the pictures and the memories embedded in my brain. We thoughtfully chose to keep only the most sentimental and meaningful stuff.

The rest was gifted to family, friends and a variety of charities.

Funny how the material objects have taken a back seat to experiences and adventures.

Discovering what really matters seems to be what this phase of life is all about to me.

I’d love to know your take on what matters most to you—especially those of you thinking about or in the midst of making these kinds of transitions.

In your heart of hearts what do you want most for yourself now? 

I look forward to hearing from you.

Compassion and the Courageous Heart

Do you sometimes wonder if you’re making a difference while living your one beautiful and precious life?

It’s time to not only dream and fantasize about the life you want to create fore yourself—but to take action.

In the Buddhist understanding the courageous heart is demonstrated by a willingness to open our hearts to the world and to care no matter what.

The women’s marches on Saturday sent a wave of reverberations around the globe inspiring so many and reminding us that we are all linked together.

When we live with compassion we are willing to face our lives without armor or pretense. Carrying on in the face of our vulnerability becomes an expression of strength and wholeheartedness.

Ultimately every loss we experience becomes an opportunity to close ourselves off to the world or to stand up with self-respect and let our hearts respond.

The time has come to use our voices, to be heard and to make a difference in our personal lives, our communities and for the greater good.

No one can take away the power of our voices, our ability to think, our ability to make mindful decisions. We know in our hearts right from wrong.

Tapping into our compassion helps us to choose the good path over injustice, violence, racism and whatever else we know to be destructive.

 

We are at the helm of our own lives. Knowing that our time here is limited we are obliged to help ease each other’s suffering and to soften our hearts and come from a place of greater compassion.

For each of us this means bringing something different to our collective table.

We have our unique constellation of gifts and our calling is to make the whole a little bit better, a little bit sweeter.

What are your gifts?

Perhaps you can’t even think of what they may be. I suggest if it’s not top of mind that you give yourself some time to reflect so that you make your actions that much more deliberate.

As always, I’d love to hear your comments and feedback.

The Year of Self-Care

Do you ever feel like you’d like to make more of an impact and a bigger difference, but you’re just too exhausted?

Without energy and vitality it’s hard to really be there full out for others. Quality self-care is the key to giving wholeheartedly to others.

You’re busy and taking good self-care of yourself can be a challenge. Problem is, if you don’t, it’s a matter of time before the mental fog and weariness sets in.

So often we continue to operate in this compromised state of mind and body, not necessarily realizing that exhaustion deadens our energy and relationships.

The truth is there is time, even with the busiest of schedules. Most world leaders, CEOs and uber accomplished people build the time into their calendars and treat it as importantly as any other meeting. And the time spent caring for ourselves gives us the vitality that supports us in leading the rest of our lives magnificently.

Investing small pockets of time every day can make a significant difference that elevates our energy, productivity and experience of joy. 

What do you need to do for better self care? 

Maybe it’s a brisk walk in the morning air, connecting with a friend, a daily meditation practice, a workout in the gym, making time to do what you love, etc. It’s not about binge activities, workouts and vacations.

It’s the daily practices or rituals that bring ongoing self-nurture and self-love. The more frequently we can accrue moments of self-care, the happier, healthier and more loving we become.

Rather than focusing on the stuff you can do for better self care—which you already know, it’s all about implementation. This means deciding not to wait for the wake up call that gets you to do whatever you know you need and long to do.

I thought it would be instructive to talk about some ways of being in the world by talking about Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements. I’ve discussed this book before, but it seemed relevant to highlight the four essential keys of these agreements, as they all relate to self-care—from a “being” not “doing” vantage point.

The Four Agreements

We make agreements with ourselves all of the time—especially around the New Year. I’m going to stop eating sugar. I’m going to eat more vegetables. I’m going to exercise. I’m going to stop putting others down and so on.

Most agreements with ourselves are about improving ourselves and our relationships. We want to create our best possible lives yet sometimes we get in the way of our best intentions.

By the way the research repeatedly shows that will power never works over the long haul.

It’s a matter of creating a context from which we live—setting the tone for wanting to care for ourselves and everyone and everything in our lives. Because we matter and our loved ones matter.

According to Ruiz, The Four Agreements represents a code for life and a path to personal transformation.

Whether or not these agreements lead to transformation, you will clearly benefit from adhering to these principles on the physical, psychological and spiritual levels.

They will also support you in taking a more significant leadership role in your own life. So, here they are in abbreviated format:

The Four Agreements

1. Be impeccable with your word. 

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using your words to harshly or negatively especially against yourself. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Do not take anything personally.

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality. It is their own personal interpretation or world view and has absolutely nothing to do with you. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you will no longer be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Do not make assumptions. 

Summon the courage to ask questions and to clearly express what you really want. Communicate with others with clarity helps to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. Ruiz believes that with this one agreement, you can transform your life.

4. Always do your best. 

Your best changes from one moment to the next. You will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick, when you are happy as opposed to sad. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Self-care is at the root of each one of these agreements. We are caring for ourselves from the inside out and this creates the space for greater self-love.

When we feel good about ourselves we feel worthy of doing those practices that help us sustain a regular commitment to self-care.

While no one remains faithful to these agreements all the time, they offer an important construct from which to operate.

Notice what happens in your life when you go a day adhering to these principles.

Keep in mind that most unhappiness comes from a rupture in our ability to communicate with others. This rupture usually emanates from the way we feel about ourselves. Self-care and our relationships are inextricably woven together and in the end are profoundly important to our well-being.

When we care for ourselves, we are caring for the people in our lives and the greater good of all.

When you stray from the agreements, have compassion for yourself. Just bring your awareness back on the path.

In fact, why not make the agreement with yourself that 2017 will be your year to take better care of yourself?

The spark is already within you. All you need to do is ignite that fire!

As always I’d love to hear about your observations and get your feedback about your discoveries.

Happy self-care!

Why Do Nothing??

Over the years I’ve often heard from others that I have a great deal of stamina and work hard. I know this about myself and generally consider this a strength. However, there is also a dark side to being driven.

It means that sometimes it’s hard to turn it off and ‘be’ rather than ‘do.’ I know that I’m in good company with this. I’ve learned over the years that for me it’s imperative to practice doing ‘nothing’ or meditating for at least 10-15 minutes a day—in order to collect my thoughts and reign in my energy.

The first chapter in Martha Beck’s book, The Joy Diet is called “Nothing” and she advises as do many kindergarten teachers, spiritual practitioners, teachers of meditation—to do nothing for at least fifteen minutes a day.

The truth is that doing what seems like nothing can be profoundly healing and beneficial to the mind, body and soul.

Paradoxically doing nothing can be nothing short of transformational when practiced routinely. It changes the way the brain fires and gives the body a chance to rest, heal and rejuvenate.

What Is Stillness?

Turns out that doing nothing can be the most productive part of the day. Being still and quieting the mind is not something that comes readily to most of us. It requires practice.

This is particularly challenging in our techno crazed lives. Often even one of the simple pleasures of meeting a friend for coffee with a friend involves iPhones placed squarely on the table just in case something or someone more important needs attention.

We find our truth, our creativity, our deepest thoughts and emotions, our souls—in moments of silence.

Why Stillness Matters?

To gain perspective and respond thoughtfully rather than reactively
To think with greater clarity and focus rather than coming from a place of overwhelm
To stay true to oneself rather that paying attention to the voices connected to others wishes and needs for us
To see the big picture rather than staying focused on the small stuff that in the end really doesn’t matter
To come from a kinder and gentler place within that helps strengthen our sense of self and relationships with others.

Setting Up to Be Still

It helps to keep a beginner’s mind even if you’ve practiced meditation or some form of stillness for years. I notice that I can get revved up, even though I’ve been meditating for years. That’s why it’s a ‘practice.’

To begin: schedule a time and add it to your daily calendar. If possible it’s usually best to practice being still or meditating immediately upon awakening. 
Go to the bathroom and then immediately afterward sit on a cushion, chair or up in bed and be still for at least five minutes. That way you get the day off to a good start and you don’t let the day slip away without practicing.
If possible to practice at the same time in the same place every day. That tends to strengthen associations and habit formation.
Find a place where you won’t be interrupted. Use a watch or clock to check for time. Best not to use an alarm or ask someone to tell you times up. Eventually a mechanism in your brain will let you know just when five, ten or fifteen minutes are up.
Choose a time of day to practice stillness and stick with it until you’re ready to build from let’s say five to ten minutes and so on.
Immediately you’ll begin to feel the benefits and if not, then hang in and know they will come.
Some days you’ll likely hate doing this and other days you’ll simply crave the quiet and stillness. Either way you’ll get better with time and practice, know that each time you meditate you’ll get different results and feel different sensations. You’ll experience patience and impatience. Joy and sorrow.
Whatever happens you are learning to strengthen your ability to be still, deep, focused, clear and even more grateful—even when it feels like nothing is happening at all.

How to Meditate or Be Still?

Relax your body. Sit in a comfortable chair or up in bed. Stay warm.
Relax your eyes closed.
Relax your facial muscles and do a quick body scan from head to toes relaxing every body part.
Get quiet and still.
If it helps use a sound screen or serene music in the background. Ultimately you won’t need any external devices to get to this place of stillness inside.
Begin to notice your breath flowing in and out. When you breathe in repeat the word “in” to yourself and when you breathe out repeat the word “out’ to yourself. “In.” “Out.” That’s it—over and over for however long you’ve decided to meditate.
When thoughts come to mind—notice them and then gently and lovingly bring your attention back to the breath.
When uncomfortable feelings and thoughts arise rather than suppressing or focusing on them, keep breathing—remain present and let them pass by, like clouds in the sky. Turn back to the present, the stillness, and your breath to help bring a sense of center.
Most importantly keep a nonjudgmental attitude about whatever happens. Stick to your allotted time and the benefits will come.

This is the key to coming into the present moment rather than revisiting the past or living in the future. It’s about learning to “be here now”—as Ram Dass would say.

There is nothing more precious than learning to return to the present, to the ”now” because that’s really the only sure thing that we can count on. 

The rest is fantasy and illusion. The present is where you’ll discover solace and peace.

You’ll find out so much about your self in this practice. Most importantly you’ll learn how to return to this place within that has always been there since the beginning. It’s home.

It’s easy to be distracted by other activities that seem more pressing or compelling on any given day. But remember that this is not only your gift to yourself and everyone else in your life.

It’s also the place where you gain strength, clarity and inner peace. It’s the center of your universe that connects you to everything and everyone.

Recent research shows that is takes approximately two months to change, break or make a habit. Practice the meditation for sixty days and notice what happens.

Keep in mind that if you miss a day or two—it’s okay. Be kind to yourself. Just hop right back on and start practicing again. It’s like brushing your teeth…it’s for life or for as long as you’d like to keep your teeth

Six strategies to make 2017 a year of clarity & purpose

Do you really want your life to be different for the better this year? 

Then…the key is to do something different and it starts with YOU!

Maybe you’re craving more love, more abundance, better friendships or relationships with your kids.

How to initiate a shift in your life & do something different:

1.  Get clear about what you want. 

This isn’t about making resolutions or hoping and praying for your life to change. It’s about getting specific about what you want to make happen in your life and making a plan.

2.  Make a plan. 

You might find it useful to make one overarching theme for the year and write it down—even if you know you won’t forget.

Now that you know what you want to see happen in your life, create a plan. Whatever your plan consists of, commit to doing something every day to move you closer to creating the relationships, the self-love, the success, and the health you desire.

3.  Keep a journal. 

If you can track it—you can change it!

Record in a journal or on your computer a notation or more about your daily movement towards creating the life you desire.

Remember this isn’t a resolution. We’re going for behavioral shifts that will bring you the life you desire and can create.

They may not all look like fireworks, but they will be cumulative over time.

4.  Create an affirmation that supports the life you wish to realize. 

Write down and repeat to yourself or out loud an affirmation that embodies the shift that you want to make in your life.

Visualize yourself already there. Keep it within the realm of possibility, although feel free to play with the possibilities.

Affirmations are simple, positive statements. They are best when short and memorable.

Continue to add, build and shape your affirmations over time as your needs and desires change. You’ll also find that as you see the results from one affirmation—you might want to move on to putting into play another.

The idea is to build a repertoire of affirmations that will serve you in a variety of ways as needed.

5.  Make space in your life and create time for yourself. 

Making the time for yourself is crucial when you’re creating behavioral shifts. Think about where you might find pockets of time—perhaps you can get up a few minutes earlier, spend less time on social media or watching TV.

Clear away the clutter of your mind and physical space and you’ll begin to see that there are possibilities for more time for YOU to create the life you desire—one baby step at a time.

Think of where you are now in your life. Then consider the possibilities after spending some time every day—even just a few minutes—moving towards a life that would make your heart sing.

6.  Start each day with a five minute morning ritual. 

This is one of the first strategies I teach in my courses and with my clients. Establish your day with clarity and intention.

Do your day with purpose—rather letting your day do you! 

Here’s what I recommend for your five minute morning ritual:

Practice belly breathing for 1-2 minutes as soon as you wake up—right after going to the bathroom.
Meditate or visualize the day ahead for 2 minutes—breathing in the sweetness of and breathing away the challenges.
Create a positive intention for the day regardless of what your day looks like. 

One more thing: Sign up for the Finding Fulfillment and Joy in Midlife Summit! 

This is a time for you to grow exponentially and learn strategies that will immediately enrich your life. www.joyfulmidlifesummit.com

Wishing you great health and happiness in the coming year!

Love Cures All

Did you know that optimal cardiovascular health means that you are attending to all aspects of your heart—the physical, the emotional and the spiritual?

Every thought and feeling that you have creates a cascade of hundreds, if not thousands of neurotransmitters leading to positive and negative effects within the mind and body.

For example, when you’re engaged in a loving conversation with your partner, something very different is happening in your heart than when you’re filled with anger and frustration. Coming from a place of love protects the heart, whereas feelings of disconnect or anger leave the heart more vulnerable.

Love is a powerful emotion in which we demonstrate kindness, compassion and deep affection. Love can be self-directed and directed at others. It is a bonding force that benefits the mind, body and soul.

Benefits of Loving Oneself and Others:

Builds self-esteem, self compassion, and leads to better self-care
Heightens desire to engage in better lifestyle choices as in food & fitness
Diminishes stress, anxiety and depression.
Love encourages the body’s production of oxytocin, the “feel-good” or “love” hormone which reduce cardiovascular stress.
Oxytocin improves the immune system, decreases inflammation, and can be a powerful pain reliever.
Love leads to production in your brain of norepinephrine and dopamine leading to heightened feelings of joy and pleasure.
Sleeping next to someone you love relaxes the mind and body which helps you to sleep better.

Love need not be relegated to a partner or children. The beautiful part of love is that we can expand our hearts and our way of being in the world to find ways to experience love every single day.

How to Build More Love into Life

Like so many other positive emotions that may or may not come easily to you, love is an emotion that can be developed with time and practice. Although it already exists within us, by stopping and allowing appreciation, gratitude, joy and love to sink into the recesses of our minds and bodies, we can make this feeling more expansive.

Deliberately tune into to this emotion with friends, family members, the self, nature, animals and pets and whatever else evokes this strong sensation.
Engage in acts of generosity and loving kindness.
Think of ways to make others feel happier and more cared for.
Smile more often as it releases the neurotransmitters serotonin and dopamine into your brain eliciting a more positive mood.
Even better than smiling is breaking into full blown laughter once a day. Laughter is greater for the heart, for oxygenating the brain and raising energy levels.
Loving touch as in hugs, holding hands, rubbing noses, putting your arm around someone, and spooning in bed instantly reduces stress levels, improves mood and has a relaxation effect.
Be more playful in your loving relationship and make love often.
Remind your partner about how you feel about them and find time to connect, regardless of how busy you are.
Make a point of bringing some joy into your life every day. Joy and love are intimately woven together.
Play, flirt, dance, and sing. These are all mini expressions of love.

Most Importantly Love Yourself Unconditionally—even when you screw up. Treat yourself as you would a child or friend you love dearly. This leads to more self-compassion which then permeates your relationships with others.

Love begins with the self and feeling worthy—which of course you are. Then we are poised to bring the love into our relationships with others…Ultimately love has the power to expand and make a difference for the greater good of all.

What are your favorite ways to show love to your self and others?

As always I love hearing from you. Your comments and feedback are greatly appreciated.

WLTP Interview with Dr. Randy Kamen

How to Move Away from Dark Thoughts

Disappointment, loss and devastation come in many forms. We feel it when we lose the gig we had hoped for, when someone we love dies, when our children leave us, when friends betrays us, when a partner cheats…

Wins and loses are inevitable. What is not inevitable is the way to choose to respond to these circumstances. We cannot necessarily diminish the pain and shock of some losses and it is always best to take the time to process our emotions. Then we get to make choices about how to proceed in our lives.

When armed with certain self-care practices, we are poised to settle down and understand the deeper layers within. When we can effectively ground ourselves we are better equipped to tap into the power within and carry on—despite the inevitable challenges that we face internally, relationally and collectively.

Today is another day that is rich with new possibilities. Each one of us gets to choose how we wish to rise up and live our lives. Will we despair over the difficulties and losses or will we continue to create more love, intimacy, connection, self-expression, purpose and meaningful contribution for the greater good?

Photo by Larry Glick

Only we can choose whether to go this way or that way. Only we have the power to manage our thoughts—which as you know ultimately becomes our reality.

How to Shift to a More Positive Perspective:

You have the power to capture dark thoughts as they arise.
By raising your consciousness about the presence of negative thoughts you’ve already begun to position yourself to make a mental shift.
Allow yourself to momentarily pause to give yourself the opportunity to witness and assess these negative thoughts: “Is this true?” “How is this helping me?” etc. Take a couple of breaths to help ground you in this practice.
Now is the best time to summon the power within to reframe these thoughts into a reality based but more positive and hopeful perspective.
Each time you shift your thoughts in this way you are taking charge of your inner world and changing the way your brain fires.
You are enlisting your brain to operate on your behalf instead of sabotaging your sense of well-being. You have the strength to move through even the darkest experiences when you learn how to shift your perception—which begins by capturing and reframing negative thoughts.

Everyday presents a new opportunity to create the life you wish rather than settling for the status quo. That power lies within you and can be accessed by developing a few simple skills such as the one described above.

What do you do when the negativity fires up in your mind?

As always I’d love to hear your thoughts!! That’s where it all begins…

Equanimity

What do you do when you feel anxious and simply can’t access that place of inner peace? You know deep in your heart that you want to banish the worry—but there it is again rearing its ugly head once again.

One way of dealing with the anxiety is to be proactive and take action about whatever it is that is creating the worry. When that’s not possible it makes sense to learn how to cultivate the ability to be calm—at will.

So many of us operate with a chronic anxiety or stress level that we have become used to this state as being normal. What’s important here is raising our consciousness about what it really means to be able to self soothe. This may mean learning how to identify and internalize a feeling of true calm, so that we can enter this nurturing space purposely and with greater frequency.

Equanimity

Equanimity comes from the combination of the two Latin words, ”aequus,” meaning “equal” and “animus” meaning “mind” or “soul.”

According to the Merriam–Webster definition the word “equanimity” means mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper—especially in a difficult situation.

That is, equanimity is about learning to accept the good and bad with grace, presence of mind, composure, calm, level-headedness, or poise. “Learning” is the operative word here.

Neuroscience teaches us now that developing equanimity or remaining calm under pressure is not necessarily an inborn trait, but rather a skill that anyone can develop with practice over time.

What do you do to calm yourself down when the sirens begin to lure you down that scary, anxiety riddled path?

Photo by Larry Glick

Understand the science

Stress or the “fight or flight” response our bodies way of responding to what we perceive as a threatening situation. This response begins in the brain where the messages are sent to the body to prepare to take action

Our physiology immediately begins to change when we feel threatened..

Some physical changes that occur include shortened breath, an increased blood flow, heart rate and high blood pressure etc.

This is a good thing when an actual threat is present. For example, if you’re being followed by someone suspicious or you smell smoke. Then this state of preparedness and heightened vigilance is important and warranted.

Unfortunately in most cases when we experience threat—our minds are perceiving situations that may not really be problematic. For example, if you think someone is rejecting of you or speaking poorly of you behind your back—you may feel anxious or threatened.

If you personalize this kind of thing, you may get anxious and not really know what to do with this pent up energy.

This creates a stress level that compromises your psychological and physical health. Compounding this is that we become so used to living with chronic stress that we begin to accept it as being the norm.

The good news is that we can train ourselves to learn the true feeling of calm with practice over time. Then, when challenges arise, we can assess whether we can handle them with ease or whether we need to step up and take action.

What does it mean to cultivate a true sense of equanimity?

Cultivating Equanimity

1. Slow your breathing.

Become aware of your breath and slow it down by breathing abdominally and deeply. You are interrupting the feedback loop that is involved in your cycle of anxiety or worry.

These deep breaths bring more oxygen into your lungs, bloodstream and brain, which produces an effect opposite to that of the fight or flight reaction.

Now your parasympathetic nervous system is stimulated which essentially tells. your body and brain that it’s okay to calm down and assess the situation.

2. Name the emotions.

The key to calming yourself or inducing a relaxed state of mind begins with the breath. By taking some abdominal breaths and making them slightly deeper, longer, more rhythmical you will immediately begin to change your physiology initiating a relaxation response. Belly breathing interrupts the feedback loop that stimulates your experience of stress and anxiety. If we practice the abdominal breathing we can become proficient at quieting our stress and anxiety levels.

Another way to reduce the stress response is to assign names or labels to the emotions that you experience as you encounter them—one by one. Observing or reflecting emotions and naming them can also have a calming effect on the mind. This practice gives us the space to free up thoughts and feeling so that we are better able to think more clearly about the issues at hand.

3. Re-name your emotions.

You’ve now learned two ways to interrupt the feedback loop: with the breath and by naming emotions. In this third step, you can add another dimension to ease the stress response and learn to collaborate with your brain in a more effective way.

In this phase of the exercise, go through the list of emotions that you identified in the second step and rename these emotions from a positive perspective rather than a vantage point that is fear based. For example:

Fear or Anxiety=Excitement, Worry=Concern, Dread=Caution, Alarm=Curious

Pressured=Stimulated etc.

When you re-label your emotions in a more positive way, you are making suggestions to your brain that are more likely to support rather that scare you. Essentially you’re reminding yourself to slow down, observe and tap into your capacity to be curious rather than judgmental. Then you are poised to reassess the events of your life as they arise rather than simply flipping into feeling stressed, anxious or threatened.

As you continue to pair the belly breathing with the positive naming of life circumstances—you’ll likely feel a heightened sense of equanimity and joy.

With practice over time this will become more natural. You’ll undoubtedly experience more grace and ease—feeling like the master or CEO of your own life.

What do you do to take charge of your emotions when anxiety or stress take hold?

It’s Scary to Reveal Our True Selves!

What does it mean to be a truly authentic person? And how many people do you know actually fit that description? Are you authentic? What stops us from being authentic?

Our authentic nature is revealed in our ability to express ourselves without masking true thoughts and emotions. Diplomacy, people pleasing, fear, avoidance and silence often hide our true, unfiltered self.

Most of us worry what others think of us and choose to disguise or manipulate features of who we really are inside. We all long to be included in our circles of friends and family. Manipulating how others perceive us gives us the misguided assurance that we’ll be accepted and liked.

It’s scary to reveal our true selves! What will people think if they really know who we are inside?

Why authenticity?

Authenticity demands a genuine sharing of the inner self, irrespective of the consequences. In an effort to avoid certain consequences we may alter our words or behavior to make sure that those consequences won’t be negative or create problems.

Each time we alter our personal truth we diminish our authenticity and inhibit our growth and experience of self-esteem. Moment-to-moment sharing of the truth from the heart requires practice for most. We’ve learned early on that little “white” lies are okay. We’re saving face. We don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. Why would they really care about how I feel?

Our thoughts form a web of excuses that block us from being who we really are at the core—connecting the inside with the outside. What is at risk is our sense of self. Each time we stifle the true voice within—we limit our own development and potential for growth.

Where it all began

Learning the art of mind deceptions usually begins somewhere in childhood. If we experience disappointment, abuse, neglect, alienation, fear—we begin to alter the way we communicate to others to protect ourselves from further hurt.

The problem is that what may have been at one time a creative coping mechanism in our youth may no longer be serving us as adults.

Once we’ve found a supportive circle of friends and family, they want to know who we really are. The masks that we hide behind keep us from having the connection that we long for.

The leap of faith to reveal our true selves may initially take courage, but with practice it gets easier and becomes more compelling.

For those of us that have no problem speaking our truths, the big challenge is to both speak our truth and show compassion for others.

We all find authenticity and vulnerability exquisitely inviting and when we are willing to expose ourselves we are essentially inviting others to do the same. Then we get to develop our true selves as well as deeply satisfying relationships.

How do you know when someone has taken off their mask and is being real? How good are you at letting go of the mask?

You just might begin by observing how you share with others. This doesn’t mean that you need to reveal you deepest, darkest secrets. Maybe practice being with feelings that are difficult to handle and getting curious about these emotions instead of just responding or avoiding.

Do your best to not personalize the outcome of everything you do. Be committed to your development while letting go of the shoulds, musts, and needs to happen. Dare to take risks, reflect and be your beautiful unique self.