Randy Kamen's Blog, page 4
September 1, 2017
August 29, 2017
August 23, 2017
August 3, 2017
Do you worry about dying?
Sarah lost more than a few family members to the Holocaust. She grew up hearing stories at home and her religious school about the grim details of WWII.
By the age of seven Sarah was talking about her fear of death—her own and that of her parents, siblings, friends and everyone else who mattered in her life.
This fear persisted into adulthood. When we finally met she was 49 and had been repeatedly diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, anxiety and depression.
While all of this was true, Sarah still did not have to tools to successfully move beyond her demons.
Having lived through a similar past, I understood the irrational fear that occupied her mind consciously and unconsciously.
I also knew that her self-destructive behaviors and thoughts were complicating matters and allowing these fears to grow stronger and deeper.
What fears do you experience that interfere with living your best life?
What I learned after years of being dominated by the voice of the fear of death is that the ultimate antidote is to live life to the fullest.
This means that regardless of how busy the day may be with responsibilities, that connecting with loved ones and engaging in meaningful activities makes me feel alive and present.
When I slip back into that fear I’m reminded that I’m not living in the now and several deep breaths later, I engage with a loved one, take a walk in nature or get involved in an interest that captures my heart and soul.
Most of us don’t speak of this fear. Putting words to the thoughts of our own demise is taboo for many—until we are at death’s door.
By giving language to this fear we take out some of the mystery and terror out of death and we can begin to normalize this part of our life’s cycle.
Certainly having a spiritual or religious belief system can help with the ability to grasp the meaning and inevitability of life’s end—as well as to soften this ultimate loss.
For me personally nothing has helped soothe the fear of death quite as much as the willingness to live full out, to make every day matter and being sure to do those activities that make my heart sing.
What do you do when the fear of death appears across your mental screen?
As always I’d love to hear your comments and ideas. I read them all so bring them on!
Why is it important for you to stand in your power?
Deborah just turned fifty-two and was sending her baby off to college. She loved raising her son and now longed to get back to her second passion as a nurse practitioner.
Deborah was at a crossroads about what area of medicine she would work; maybe consulting, family medicine or obstetrics. In the end she decided to work in the Emergency Room of a busy local hospital.
After a couple of weeks there Deborah felt exhausted, depressed, burnt out and ready to quit. She felt like she was too old and out of her element. Having never worked in the ER, she was not prepared for the onslaught of responsibilities and the epic learning curve required in her new role.
Deborah felt incompetent and hated answering to nurses twenty-plus years her junior.
Have you ever felt like you were in the wrong place and could not access your personal power?
Going for your dream
I remember when I decided to move my business from seeing private patients all day to leading workshops, groups online, and seeing coaching clients virtually.
I felt ill-equipped with the technology and that I could never master all of the intricacies of this way of doing my work. It seemed like you needed to be a millennial or younger to succeed at this kind of thing. But deep down I knew I had the skills to do the work, I would have to work extra hard to get comfortable with the unknown.
Standing in your power is about standing in your truth and being authentic. After beating myself for all that I didn’t know, I decided to treat myself with a little more patience, kindness and acceptance. I became clear that I was going for it despite my deficiencies.
And so I guided Deborah. I encouraged her to summon her inner strength and even in the face of all that she did not know in her field to go for it anyway. And to stand in her personal power—letting no one mess with her mind about what was possible.
Instead of coming home in the evening and judging herself for what she didn’t know, her task was to focus on and acknowledge all that she learned.
Standing in your power is about:
Not letting others define you and certainly not accepting others’ judgments
Stop allowing your self to be shamed for what you don’t know
Valuing your self for putting your ass on the line and taking risks at any age!
Loving your self unconditionally.
Making a difference in the lives of others.
Going for what you want in life involves setbacks, disappointments and failures. And the more you go for it the better able you are to realize your dreams and create the life that you long for.
What are you willing to do to stand in your power and stop giving it away…so that you can create the life that YOU long for?
As always I love hearing from you and…read all of your comments and feedback.
What happens when you lose a dear friend?
What happens when you lose a good friend?
Friends are the people that we let in to the inner sanctum. They make our lives sweeter during the good and difficult times. Friends are our supports and reality testers. There can be challenges but we rely on each other knowing that it’s safe.
At 51 Lena was a divorced, successful professional. She raised two children singlehandedly and now that they were both off to college Lena was looking forward to savoring more time with friends, family and caring for herself.
Now more than ever Lina knew that every day mattered especially after overcoming her brush with breast cancer.
What experiences have you encountered that shook you to the core and made you WAKE UP?
Just as Lina learned that she was in the clear she discovered that her dear friend Anise learned had breast cancer–but hers was Stage 4 and highly aggressive.
Anise’s cancer quickly spread and even an amazing attitude could not spare her. In three months she was gone.
Lina had suffered other terrible losses but this one was the hardest blow of all. Unlike when we lose a family member where certain rituals are in place for mourning this isn’t the case when we lose a friend.
Losing a good friend can be life altering.
Losing a friend is poorly understood, overlooked and not adequately acknowledged by others—even though these relationships can be our lifelines. I remember when my best friend from childhood died at age 35 of breast cancer. My mother delivered the message to me after her funeral. To this day I think of Barbara and our crazy antics and her three beautiful kids and never having the chance to say goodbye.
Getting the support your need during this difficult transition is not built into the ‘system’ and is something that you must put together.
How to care for yourself after a devastating loss:
Be good to yourself. While no one else knows exactly what you need—you do! Don’t wait for someone to take care of you. Give yourself the unconditional love, support and time that you need to grieve.
Connect with others who shared a love for the friend that you lost, even if she or he is not in your inner sanctum. They are more likely able to get the magnitude of your loss. Sharing stories, celebrating the life of your friend and mourning the loss together can be healing.
Ask for support. The truth is that you cannot always get what you want from others. You can however ask for what you need and express your grief. It took me years to move beyond the loss of Barbara. Had I talked about my deep sadness at the time I would have mourned back then rather than years later when I discovered that this was still unresolved for me.
Friends are not replaceable or interchangeable. Expanding your world and letting well chosen others in helps. Connecting with others when the time is right brings new energy and possibility into your life. This will not be a substitute for the loss but it does allow you to move forward even in the face of pain.
Self-compassion and patience. We all grieve differently. Honoring the importance of your friend is a process. You won’t forget your friend and chances are that you already know how she/he enriched your life.
What I know is that each friend matters and continuing to nourish these vital relationships makes every day a little sweeter.
What have you done to help you through the loss of a dear friend?
As always I’d love to hear your comments and feedback.
What does YOUR morning feel like?
What does your morning usually feel like?
Jessica told me that every morning she woke up and headed into the bathroom. She stared into her tired eyes, scanned her flabby body and cursed the day ahead.
No wonder she felt overwhelmed, exhausted and depressed!
Every morning you have a choice about how you show up in the world. The messages that run through your mind even before your eyes open dictate how your day will play.
“This day is going to suck. I’ve got appointments all day.” “I have to go to the dentist today.” “My co-workers are such a drag.” “I have to make dinner for my in-laws tonight.” etc.
Telling yourself about what you ‘should do’ and ‘have to do’ more than likely sets you up for a miserable day. It takes you away from ‘choice’ and being in the present moment with what lies ahead which might be just fine.
Setting yourself up with negative perception in the morning puts you on a trajectory about what ultimately goes down. You’re at the helm of how your day plays out.
It has everything to do with your choices, perceptions and reactions.
When making choices about how your want your day to unfold consider taking full ownership of your actions and responses rather than becoming resentful or a victim.
We choose the path we go down every step of the way. If we make choices that support our best lives then our lives work better and we feel more empowered. If this is not the case, it behooves us to make other better decisions or have an attitude adjustment.
For example, no one has to go to the dentist. Your teeth can rot and you can risk losing them. You don’t have to entertain your in-laws. You choose to do this because it makes your relationship with your partner better. You choose to make appointments and experiences because in some way they benefit your life and the greater good.
Do you sometimes feel like the choices you make are out of your control?
Frustration and stress come when you imagine how bad a future experience is going to be. You color your experiences with these thoughts. Remaining open minded and open hearted can positively shift the same experience that we thought about negatively
Your perceptions are inextricably woven into your direct experience of joy.
The good news is that how you interpret life events is up to you. You have the potential to train your brain, to master your thoughts and to visualize your experiences from a more positive perspective.
Consider how much better your day would go if you woke up focused on the possibilities of the day ahead rather than dreading the challenges.
What do you want to create on this magical day?
As always I welcome your thoughts and comments. I read them all!
Create a Life you LOVE!
What would it take for you to live the best version of your life?
Remember when you were eight years old and thought that you were going to be or do something great?
Perhaps you had fantasies about being a famous actress, teacher, astronaut or musician. The sky was the limit!
Then you started getting messages that these dreams may not be possible and perhaps you stopped believing in yourself.
Alexis a professor with “brains and beauty” as her parents often said, felt fulfilled professionally but her personal life felt like a disaster.
Since breaking up with her boyfriend several years ago she’s been unable to find another meaningful relationship.
Now at forty Alexis feels deeply remorseful about her decision to end this compromised relationship as her wish is to begin a family of her own is slipping away.
Paradoxically her fear of ending up alone holds Alexis back. She isolates and has difficulty connecting authentically with others.
Have you ever felt like you made a mistake and that the repercussions changed the course of your life?
Alexis’s thoughts and behaviors kept her in hiding mode and was sabotaging the possibility of finding more love in her life.
Mastering your thoughts and beliefs is not easy to do, but the truth is it is entirely possible. By learning certain skills and practicing them regularly you can shift the way you experience relationships and the world around you.
For example, if you begin your day with a simple positive intention about yourself or the day ahead you start off standing on your own side.
Most of us tend to be our own worst enemies without even being aware that we’re doing this.
Catching negative or self-deprecating thoughts the moment they arise throughout the day is a practice you can begin today. The first step to changing your thoughts is raising your level of consciousness about the way your mind operates.
Build your capacity to be more self-compassionate and even self-loving when then negative or self-loathing thoughts appear.
Retrain your mind to be on your own side again and again until you begin to experience the shift.
This can be challenging but it is essential for creating the life you desire. How you think has everything to do with how your life plays out!
Once Alexis began to speak to herself with greater kindness and self-love she began to feel a world of possibility open up for her.
What thoughts keep running through your mind that get in the way of your creating the life you desire?
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments. I read them all!!
How’s your relationship working for you?
Does is sometimes feel like life isn’t working for you the way you had always imagined?
Sheila, a woman I’ve been working with for several months discovered that her husband had been cheating on her on and off over the years. Only after she discovered his betrayal did she understand why she had felt alienated and alone for so long.
She continues to sort out whether or not to divorce her husband of twenty-two years. They have three children together. John, has begged for forgiveness, terminated his extramarital relationships and pledged his loyalty to Sheila. He also agreed to go to therapy.
Sheila continues to sort out next steps. But, one thing is clear from our work together. Sheila will no longer play the role of doormat or victim. She has chosen to fortify her relationships with her women friends, to build her support team and to take über care of herself.
Her mindset has gone from self-loathing and self-pity to feeling empowered about whatever next steps she decides to take.
It is NOT too much to expect to have fun, love and a feeling of purpose in life. In fact, that why you are here: To live these precious years FULL OUT. To enjoy the ride and make a difference in the lives of others.
It begins by being able to master your thoughts, beliefs and emotional world.
The good news about mastering your inner world is that you can LEARN how to do this. Yes, this is a teachable skill.
It is also possible to get clear about your vision and create a plan for your life so that you can actualize those dreams.
Every day you can take steps toward your vision until it comes together and IS your reality.
What do you need to do to make sure you’re on the path that best supports the creation of your life’s vision?
As always I’d love to hear your thought and comments.
