Randy Kamen's Blog, page 3
March 13, 2019
Are you chasing happiness?
I used to believe that once I got my doctoral degree—then I would be happy, when I became a professor then I would be happy, when I bought my condo—then I would be happy, when I got married—then I would be happy, when I had children—then I would be happy…
While there was truth to all of these life accomplishments, the inherent problem was I was relying upon outside events to make me happy. Even the most wonderful life experiences lose their positive emotional charge over time.
Perhaps you have thought that if you got more recognition or money at work, traveled to more exotic places, got in fabulous shape and had that ideal relationship—then you would be poised to find more lasting happiness.
According to the data, wealth, status, fitness, relationships, often do not translate into the experience of happiness and well-being.
While life circumstances can certainly play a role in happiness, today we know through the work of researchers such as Sonja Lyubomirsky that happiness is in large part a learned skill.
You can actually control your happiness factor largely through the activities you choose to engage in and by the way that you interpret your experiences. In other words, much of your happiness rests upon yourmindset—the way that you perceive moment-to-moment life events.
When you remind yourself about how short life can be, a certain urgency is created to find happiness, laughter and connection. The fastest way to happiness is to help another being in some meaningful way.
Also, practice building your capacity for gratitude in your everyday experiences and you’ll find more joy in what you already have in your life.
How do you start your day? What are your first thoughts as you lay in bed in the morning?
I’d love to hear your comments and thoughts. I read them all. Also, if you have any questions I may even write a post about them.
With love,
Randy
why gratitude matters
Years ago I used to focus on what was missing from my life. I paid more attention to the thorns than on the beauty and fragrance of the rose. It seemed that others were blessed or lucky and that for me something was always missing.
As I began my journey as a psychologist, the world of Positive Psychology was simultaneously emerging. I began to learn why gratitude mattered.
What we know today is that gratitude is one of the keys to mental, physical and relational well-being. It fortifies us during times of adversity and emotional turmoil and leads to greater resilience and happiness. Gratitude decreases the experience of stress, anxiety, depression and pain. It allows us to feel more connected and present in our relationships. Gratitude also helps us to see the big picture rather than limiting ourselves to our immediate experience of reality.
The truth is that we all have so much to be grateful for on a daily basis—and that too often we let the sweet moments of our lives slip away.
Pausing during the day and taking in the moments that are good and that light you up is one simple way to begin cultivating gratitude.
A shift in consciousness takes practice and commitment. That said, the rewards fore cultivating gratitude will enhance your life and that of everyone else in your world.
What are you grateful for? How might you deepen your capacity for appreciating all of the gifts in your life?
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments.
With love,
Randy
November 3, 2017
How to find your path during challenging times?
Tory’s claim to fame was her strong work ethic and infectious laughter. Raising her two children single-handedly and running her freelance event planning business, Tory made it look easy. She refused to complain and somehow managed to get whatever support she needed.
More recently Tory battled breast cancer. True to form her resilience shined through and she inspired others going through similar ordeals.
It was her mother’s sudden death that catapulted Tory into a deep state of despair. Never in her fifty-two years had she encountered this kind of relentless pain and grief.
Tory had always been able to find the sweetness in even the most challenging circumstances but now she felt undone and despondent. Her work that had always brought her so much joy felt strangely hollow.
Have you ever experienced a loss so great that the sweetness of everyday life feels like a vague memory?
Despair as defined by Viktor Frankl is when one suffers and can no longer find meaning. Dr. Frankl explains that the moment you can find meaning in your life, you have the potential to mold that meaning into a personal triumph.
Even under the most hideous conditions he explains that it is possible to find meaning–something important to live for. Usually it is about being available to our loved ones or getting involved in a cause that is bigger than our lives.
None of us is spared pain, suffering, and death. We get to choose how we live, moment to moment.
I remember after my own mother’s sudden and untimely death how empty life felt for me. Almost twenty years later it still feels like a sucker punch when I think about this tragedy.
Thinking of her reminds me that life is so precious and time limited. After the shock of loss subsides, the best any of us can do is show up and participate in life wholeheartedly.
This is the surest way I know to step out of depression, despair, and suffering.
What do you do to bring yourself out of the shock and heartbreak of a loss?
As always, I’d love to hear your comments and feedback. I read them ALL!!
With love,
Randy
September 24, 2017
September 4, 2017
Have you ever suffered a loss that took your breath away?
Certain reminders or pictures can sometimes go right to the core of an emotional trigger. Every year I get a postcard from our local synagogue reminding me of the day my mother died.
It’s a day that is forever etched in my heart and soul. Yet each year when that postcard arrives it feels raw and fresh once again. The wound from that terrible loss never fully heals. I still sometimes ache to tell my mother about the kids or whatever else is going on in my world.
We all have emotional triggers that remind us of a loss, a disappointment or a betrayal.
Maybe that trigger is a song on the radio, a picture of a dog like the one you had to put down, seeing an ex-lover—or someone who resembles a loved one whose passed in a café.
Then BAM! The pain strikes and that old familiar feeling goes right where it hurts the most until it finally quiets down…
And that’s the point…Regardless of how devastating the loss or the breakup—over time the pain quiets down. The grip releases and we gradually feel greater ease, equilibrium and joy restored.
The good news is that NO intense feeling lasts for long stretches of time. Feelings come and go and our job is to summon the courage to go for the ride.
Learning to be patient, courageous and present when the pain arises helps us to navigate through.
It’s remarkably liberating to know that no matter how painful a feeling or sensation might be that it WILL eventually subside. Equally important is knowing that the only way to move beyond a difficult feeling is going THROUGH the pain.
The work lies in remembering to be self-compassionate, to breathe and to be patient. Then it’s possible to handle ANYTHING!
What emotional trigger cuts to your core and why?
I’d love to hear your thoughts, comments, and questions. I read Every. Last. One!!
September 1, 2017
Do you get emotionally triggered?
Do you get emotionally triggered?
It used to be that when I reached out to someone and they didn’t respond in what I considered a reasonable amount of time that I would get emotionally triggered. I would feel hurt, rejected and invisible. Sometimes I sat with these feelings festering inside and other times I would unleash the wounded girl within. Either way, I felt vulnerable and less than.
I grew up with a critical and angry father. My mother would somehow vanish when he exploded at the kids. I felt lonely and helpless much of the time. Over the years I learned to love my scared inner child—which ultimately healed this trigger.
We all have emotional triggers. They developed when we were children and experienced some form of pain that we either didn’t know how to handle or couldn’t express. We didn’t have the tools or the platform.
As adults, we generally become triggered by events that somehow remind us or mimic these old injurious emotions.
You know the feeling that implodes within when someone makes a joke at your expense that hits you right in the gut or heart. That comment can shake you up for hours and potentially ruin the day. It’s like you’ve given away your own power and allowed someone else to stand at the helm.
So…what are your triggers?
Identifying your triggers is the first step to healing from them. Once you know your triggers, you can begin to tease out their origins. Ultimately the goal is to be patient, kind and compassionate towards the inner injured child.
The more you bring love into that space of early pain, the more you become liberated from its grip. Practice, over time, is key to internalized this learning curve.
What emotional triggers are you ready to overcome so that you can lead the life of your dreams?
As always I’d love to hear your thoughts, comments and questions? I read them all!
Does fear get in the way of realizing your dreams?
Lucy, a successful attorney spent the past twenty years working for a law firm. For years she balanced her work and family life well and savored her time dabbling in the arts and going for occasional vacations.
Now that her twin girls have flown from the nest, Lucy finds herself feeling bored with her work, lonely and wanting to cut loose. Her dream is to quit her job and start a virtual business.
Lucy imagines herself establishing a coaching business working with new attorneys. Her vision is to guide them in their search for the best fit in the early stages of their professional journey. Lucy had not been helped early on in her career and thought that this work would fill an important gap.
Lucy would also get to travel or BE wherever she chose to be and would no longer feel tied down to her home. They had a small beach cottage and with this sort of business she could begin to live a life style she had always longed for.
The problem for Lucy was FEAR!
Have you ever felt like you wanted to take an important next step and that underneath it all FEAR holds you back?
Maybe the fear is about losing income, losing colleagues, clients and friends, breaking out of the known into the abyss or maybe that you’ll fail at your endeavor??
Fear can show up in all sorts of ways like constriction in your body, a gnawing feeling in your gut or feeling of overwhelmed or confused.
Fear can keep you stuck and unable to take vital next steps that can help you realize your deepest desires and potential—in business, relationships and in every aspect of life.
Do you think that lack of action is keeping you small—keeping you from achieving all that’s possible for you?
If so, you’re in good company. Many of us, myself included, choose to hold back in an effort to stay safe. We play at a level that doesn’t feel too risky, because what if we fail?? OMG!!
The truth is that no one succeeds at a high level without taking lots of hits and failing multiple times. When we can wrap our heads around the notion that failure often paves the road to success, we are better positioned to take risks and experiment with new undertakings.
After all at the end of the line we inevitably regret those experiences we were too afraid to take. The operative question is: What’s the worst that can happen if you GO FOR IT ANYWAY!!?
Fear has everything to do with avoiding unpleasant feelings or sensations.
None of us want to feel stupid, ashamed, rejected, unworthy or unpopular. And sometimes taking risks means putting our asses on the line and not having the outcome we hope for.
But here’s the takeaway, not going for your dreams guarantees us that we will not get the result we long for…
The secret is to learn to accept feelings as they arise, even the uncomfortable ones—without having to resort to food, alcohol, television or numbing out in any number of ways.
What action are you willing to commit to this week that will bring you closer to the life you desire?
As always I love to read your comments and thoughts. I read every last one!!
