Randy Kamen's Blog, page 2

Put Your Own Oxygen Mask on First

You hear it every time you board an airplane.

 

During their safety briefing, the flight attendants remind you that, in the event of an emergency, if the oxygen masks drop down, you should secure your own mask before trying to help the person next to you with theirs.

 

Have you ever wondered why that is? 

 

When the masks drop down, they only have a couple of minutes of oxygen to deliver. That’s all they need… just enough for the pilot to bring the plane down to an altitude where there is enough oxygen in the atmosphere. 

 

But when they drop down, you have only seconds to get that mask on before your oxygen saturation levels drop to the point where you lose the ability to recognize shapes and faces and then lose consciousness.

 

If you try to help the person next to you first, you are unlikely to get their mask on correctly before both of you pass out, putting you both at significant risk.

 

But if you take a moment and secure your mask, you can help get theirs on even if they are at risk of passing out. Once the oxygen starts flowing they will begin to come back around.

 

So in that emergency situation, it’s important for you to take care of yourself first. 

 

The same is true as we go through the COVID-19 pandemic. In fact, the same is true even in the best of times.

 

You may be worried about your children, elderly relatives, friends, neighbors, or even strangers whose stories you see in the news or on social media. It’s tempting to give, and give, and give to do what you can to help, but who is taking care of you?

 

If you don’t prioritize taking care of you and your needs, you won’t be of any help to anyone else. 

 

You are probably taking care of your physical health. You are staying home, washing your hands often, wearing a mask if you have to go out, and keeping an eye out for any symptoms of COVID-19. 

 

But are you putting as much focus on your mental health?
Are you getting enough rest? Eating healthy foods?
Moving your body?
Doing things that make you laugh or bring a smile to your face?

Consider this your reminder to prioritize YOU.



Because the world needs YOU and your unique talents and gifts. We all need you to come out of this mentally and physically healthy.

The Benefits of Being an “Old Writer”

Do you worry that you’re “too old” or that you don’t have enough time to write.

Reconsider your thoughts and evaluate what it might mean for you to finally shared that story or idea and start to generate new possibilities during these vital years. The writer never retire—because we love what we are doing.

As you get older writing becomes more meaningful and compelling. My clients say that the writing becomes easier with practice and they experience that feeling of ‘flow’ that seems to slow downtime. They are better able to savor their experience and find more joy. 

Some benefits of being an “older” writer:

We have more life experience and wisdom.

We are more committed to taking advantage of every opportunity.

We are less controlled by what others think.

We’ve learned the meaning of ‘good enough’ and have let go of perfectionism.

We have much clearer priorities:

The life of younger people is incredibly pressured: paying the mortgage, taking care of kids, and looking after aging parents. We’re pulled in a dozen different directions and jobs like ‘writing’ often end up far down the list. When we’re older, however, many of those responsibilities have faded and we have time to devote to those tasks that are most important to us. 

We find it easier to manage our emotions:

One of the biggest benefits of aging is that we’re no longer at the behest of our emotions. We understand that feelings come and go — changing in a heartbeat. If writing seems hard now, we can continue writing, knowing that 20 minutes from now it may appear easy again.

We have a better sense of self-worth:

Self-worth appears to increase with age, perhaps as a result of all that we have seen and learned after decades on this earth. We’ve seen some smart people fall (e.g. Bill Clinton) and troubled people succeed (e.g. Albert Einstein). As a result, we’re more likely to understand that we’re all human beings facing similar challenges. Our self-worth is not defined by what we do but by how we behave.

Writing likely makes us happier:

This is particularly true if the writing focuses on our own goals. Research by Laura King shows that this type of writing not only makes us happier but also healthier.

Writing leads to more critical thinking:

Did you know that Warren Buffet, Richard Branson and Bill Gates are all serious writers? They use writing as a way of refining their ideas and articulating their thoughts. The act of taking what’s in our brain and committing it to paper forces us to document our logic and explain our reasons. This discipline, by definition, makes us better thinkers.

Writing is a vehicle for dealing with challenges:

No one escapes this life without some challenges. For people like neurosurgeon Paul Kalanithi, who died of metastatic lung cancer, writing his luminous book When Breath Becomes Air, allowed him to have more time with his wife and gave him the chance to have a child before dying at the age of 37. But you don’t have to be on death’s doorstep to be facing hard times. A dysfunctional boss or client, a troubled kid or sibling, or an angry partner can all be annoying enough. Don’t just stew; write about it!

Writing keeps us sharp:

Writing increases brain plasticity, which means it enhances our ability to change. This flexibility plays an important role in furthering brain development and reducing decline. A brain with more plasticity will do a better job of retrieving words, memories, references, and thoughts than a brain with less plasticity. (In addition to writing, I’m also working on my French for precisely this reason.)

Writing is relaxing:

If you associate writing with your grade 11 English class (which you hated) then you might not think of writing as relaxing. But it can be. Instead of focusing on the result, pay more attention to the process. Like any repetitive activity (eg: knitting, walking, doing yoga) writing is a task that can help relax you. Resolve to make writing an activity that makes you feel better.

Writing helps us become better learners:

Most writing forces us to use our critical thinking skills. Regardless of the subject — i.e. even if we’re not writing about something scientific — we need to name problems, gather and analyze ideas, prepare hypotheses, and form arguments. We are never too old to learn. 

Cultivate Self-Compassion

Two women therapists attending one of my recent workshops were talking about developing online courses in the psychological arena and building a virtual presence.

 

 [As an aside, there is a tremendous need for mental health professionals to be teaching and educating online so that there is greater accessibility to this kind of information.]

 

They both had everything required to succeed in this new endeavor—either as an adjunct to the work they are doing or more daringly to blaze a new trail and give up the day job.

 

Most women need to feel safe before making their decisions so in all likelihood they would both choose to add the teaching to their existing work rather than leaving jobs with no safety net…at least at the beginning.

 

They were both squarely in their fifties and could see this exciting path before them. The transition to a new arena in healthcare seemed rich with possibility.

 

Here’s what happened:

 

Both of the women were having a difficult time with new technology. They now had to learn applications they had never been exposed to before.

 

One of the women [A] was curious about the new software and whenever she couldn’t figure something out, A felt challenged as she had during college days. A was relentless until she figured out whatever was required. It never entered her mind to judge herself harshly for what she didn’t know. If anything A felt energized by the unknown and the challenge.

 

Woman [B] on the other hand, a lifelong perfectionist—beat herself up emotionally for what she didn’t know. She became frustrated and angry with herself that the learning curve was long and hard. She shared that she spoke to herself cruelly and she didn’t know if this path was for her. At times it felt utterly impossible, even painful.

 

Clearly you can imagine who would be successful in this new venture.

 

The way Woman B treated herself was non-sustainable. She kept herself small with her lack of self-compassion. She treated the little girl within without patience and loving-kindness. My guess is that this probably had been going on since childhood.

 

Woman A came from a place of self-compassion.

Woman B had a negative perspective and came from a place devoid of self-compassion.

 

With self-compassion, we do not judge ourselves harshly or hold ourselves back. So much more is possible… We have the understanding that we are human. We fail sometimes and we rise sometimes, and that is the nature of things.

 

Lacking self-compassion means kicking ourselves when we fail, suffer, or feel inadequate. In other words, we are kicking ourselves when we are down.

 

Where do you stand when you encounter pain, shortcomings or failure?

 

Self-compassion matters the whole ride through and makes us more effective and our lives so much sweeter…And as women leaders, we need to role model this important behavior.

 

9 Self-Care Strategies During COVID-19

Life sure does look different right now, doesn’t it? 

You’re obsessively washing your hands, practicing social distancing, and probably watching too much news.

While you completely understand the need for the self-quarantine, it can be a challenge for even the sturdiest among us.

But, as always, there are blessings that come from adversity.

This time spent at home gives us a unique opportunity to consider what matters the most and to assess how we have been living our lives.

As you take a look at these things, ask yourself…

Are the two aligned?

Every situation has a silver lining, and in this time of crisis, I believe it is the opportunity look within and hone in on our deepest desires, and then determine how to put them into play.

Could we be in the middle of a global self-correction that is guiding us to live with intention and focus on core values?

Much like after 9/11, this pandemic has brought the world together; it has served to highlight our oneness.

I believe that this is a time for each of us to dig deep, find the leader within, and carry on with grit and grace.

As a psychologist, my advice to you is this…

Self-care is essential now. It’s not an option for those who wish to remain strong.

Here are nine self-care strategies that will make a difference for you. I encourage you to put these ideas into daily practice.

Doing so will not only decrease your stress and anxiety levels, but it will improve your mental fitness, and strengthen your immune system.

Belly breathe.

You cannot overdo belly breathing. It is the antidote to anxiety, and when practiced intentionally and regularly it will become more automatic and internalized. You cannot be anxious and belly breathe at the same time. If you are feeling anxious, consider that a reminder that it is time to stop what you are doing, take 2 minutes and focus on belly breathing.

Move.

There are so many free yoga, pilates, workout classes online. You don’t have to commit to one practice; take this opportunity to mix it up and try something new and different. No matter what you do, walking is essential. Unless you’re restricted for some reason, get out and walk in the fresh air in uncrowded spaces every day. It’s good for the mind, body, and soul. It also will strengthen your immune system

Connection.

Social distancing does NOT mean social isolation. We need to connect with each other now more than ever. We are stressed by all of the unknowns we are facing. Will I, or someone I love, be diagnosed with this virus? How will my job be affected? How long will this last? It’s easy to feel isolated and alone, but we are all in this together.

Coming together by phone, texting, zoom, video chatting, on a walk with proper spacing are some of the ways we can connect. This is not the time to be a lone wolf or go at it alone! Social isolation is associated with poor mental health, and conversely, social connection is associated with a strong immune system.

Sleep.

This is a wonderful time to catch up on sleep [unless of course, you’re on the front lines of the health care system—which is simply put a disaster at the moment]. Even within the medical system, everyone is best served when every team member has the time for self-care and proper resources. If you have the opportunity to take a nap, or even just a meditation break, please do so. There is no better way to build up your immunity.

Limit the news to once a day.

Every day Coronavirus and the impact it is having on the global economy is dominating the news cycle and while it is important to stay informed, too much news is contributing to heightened anxiety.

.

Especially for those in at-risk groups, being vigilant about every update in the news can be traumatic. This constant exposure is not good for the mind, body or your, general well-being. Better to stay focused on work, projects, decluttering, reading books, articles, blogs, etc.

Keep your daily routines.

By sticking to your regular routines (with a certain amount of creative interpretation) you’ll create a feeling of normalcy and predictability which we need and crave now.

Be kind.

Be kind to everyone you connect with on the phone or through any medium. This pandemic is the ultimate reminder that we are all in this together and in fact, we are all one. Challenge yourself to show kindness and compassion for everyone—especially when it’s difficult to do so. Loving-kindness for others will help elevate your self-esteem and self-compassion and will alleviate your own fear and anxiety.

Keep a journal.

I’ve always advised my patients to keep a journal. Journaling is one of the best ways to sort out ideas, reflections, and feelings. You can track the progression of where you’ve been and how you’re doing. Most importantly, keeping a journal helps you to go inside without having to filter or explain—you can truly give yourself that sacred space.

Gratitude.

Practice being grateful. Before bed, write or list 3-5 sweet memories from the day—big or small. Say ‘thank you’ from your heart often.

And know that no matter challenging your situation may be at this very moment there are so many others for whom it is worse. Many among us are suffering and we need to step up and help when we can and simultaneously be grateful for every bit of sweetness that we can find in our lives.

This is a time when grit, grace and, connection are required.

You have the opportunity to honor yourself and others by stepping into leadership mode and your own self-care a priority.

Together, we will triumph.

The question is how are you choosing to show up in your life?

As I reach out to friends, family, colleagues, and clients I see how badly we all long for deep connection.

Being unable to hug and hold sometimes our own children and loved ones force us to open our hearts in new ways. We are learning a new language, a new way of communicating love without the benefit of physical closeness and touch.

This massive shift in the way we connect in our everyday lives impacts each of us in ways that we could never have imagined three months ago. Even less… There is a new meaning to the idea of boundaries.

Not only must we learn new skills and ways of being, ways of communicating in our relationships, we must also, perhaps most importantly learn to rise in our personal leadership.

How we show up in our lives every day and moment-to-moment impacts how we feel internally as we move through the day and ultimately our capacity for resiliency.

With all of my many years of training as a clinical psychologist and leadership coach, I can tell you that I’ve come undone a few times with the virus—as I’ve experienced personal losses and losses from our collective communities.

My take on this is that coming undone periodically is okay, even good for the soul, but staying in those scary places for long is not.

During this pandemic, we need to choose to be strong for ourselves and for each other—occasional bouts of darkness notwithstanding.

The question is are you/we tapping into inner resources and creativity or caving into fear and anxiety?

Personal leadership is not about being fearless—it’s about experiencing one’s vulnerabilities and summoning the courage to show up and do whatever must be done for ourselves, our loved ones and beyond.

We stand alone but together. Each one of us is in charge of our psyches and the way we navigate through the day.

Sharing the stark reality of the Coronavirus means paying heed to all the warnings and new rituals we must now claim as our own.

Now is our time to reflect upon what matters the most in our heart of hearts.

An epic adjustment or realignment is happening across the globe. We will emerge with new norms whether we like it or not. Life as we know it shifting before our eyes.

The question is how are you choosing to show up in your life?

Settling Into the New Normal

Over the last 3 weeks, we’ve all had to adapt to all kinds of new situations. Working from home, kids at home, not being able to enjoy the outings we once took for granted.

Now that we’ve been at it for a few weeks, many of us are starting to find our rhythm a bit. Some have stuck to their pre-COVID schedules, others have found a new pace and routine in quarantine.

We are all looking forward to the day when we can go out to eat with friends, see a movie, go shopping at “nonessential” stores and just get back to some semblance of normal.

But what about the next few weeks? By all accounts, we can expect this “new normal” to be around for a while longer.

If you are finding the idea of a few more weeks of quarantine distressing, let me give you some advice….

Focus on what is within your control.
Don’t give in to fear and allow it to dictate your outcome.
Even when things feel completely out of control, you get to decide how you will respond to the situation.

It starts with knowing what you want and how you want to feel.

Feeling isolated?

Reach out and invite a friend to video chat over Facetime or Zoom.

Feeling concerned about finances?

Take an hour to do research into the options available to you through your bank, credit union, or mortgage lender. Go through your bank statements and find expenses you can reduce or eliminate even temporarily.

Feeling depressed?

Get outside for a bit. Go for a walk, or just sit outside and feel the sun on your face. Move your body. Turn up some music and dance. Find a heartwarming movie or laugh-out-loud comedy to watch on Netflix.

The bottom line is that you have the ability to control your response to this situation. The first step is to make a decision that you will think and behave in a way that moves you away from the negative emotion. Don’t feel as if you have to make a jump from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other, just focus on taking one small step in a positive direction… then another… and another

 

The Profound Benefits of Keeping a Journal

Years ago the ritual of journal writing or keeping a diary was common. Today few people recognize the power and profound benefits behind this practice. In the field of psychology, journal writing is considered to be one of the key ingredients to making true behavioral change. It is often said that, “If you can track it, you can change it.”

Psychologists often tell their patients to keep track of:

Dreams if they are looking to gain greater personal clarity
Everything you eat if you are trying to manage your weight or an eating disorder
Mood swings if you are trying to control a mood disorder
Sleep habits if you want to control your sleep patterns
Whatever you feel grateful for if you want to experience more gratitude and happiness in your life

Keeping a journal requires only a notebook and a writing implement and you are ready to go. One of the most essential features of keeping a journal is to create consistency in your recordings. It does not have to be daily but frequency does help to establish your journal writing as a habit. Journal writing need not be time-consuming. Ten minutes a day for six weeks and you will notice the dramatic effects.

The Ten Benefits of Journal Writing

Helps to clarify your goals and dreams
Fosters awareness about your personal life and the world around you
Allows you to think through your actions and minimize impulsiveness
Clarifies the roles of the important players in your life
Improves the ability to control strong emotions, as you have already expressed them on paper
Allows you to understand more clearly developments in your relationships
Develops your writing skills which facilitates other writing projects
Keeps you company wherever you go
Creates an opportunity to settle down
Reduces stress, improves coping abilities and feelings of happiness

Any day is a perfect day to begin writing in your journal. It usually takes six weeks for a habit to form. After that you will probably find the ritual of journal writing quite compelling and gratifying.

What benefits do you derive from keeping a journal?

What to do when your friend dies…

What happens when you lose a good friend?

Good friends are the people that we choose to let in to the inner sanctum.

They make our lives sweeter during the good and difficult times. Friends are our supports and reality testers. We rely upon each other knowing that we’re safe to reveal our true selves.
A few nights ago a dear friend of mine died after a brief and horrible bout with cancer. We had deep bonds over the decades…though only intermittent contact. His death feels like a sucker punch.

Have you encountered a loss that shook you to the core?

As I scroll through our many experiences together I’m struck that our culture has no rituals in place for the loss of a friend. Rituals exist for those who mourn the loss of parents, partners, colleagues and God forbid children…but not for dear friends.

Losing a good friend…

The bond between friends can be life altering and has in fact been shown to be the key to health, happiness and longevity.

I’ve decided to light candles in his memory, say my prayers and share stories with a few people who knew him and others who simply have the capacity to listen generously.

Spending time with his family also feels healing—as we connect over our common love and loss. I’ve yet to journal but will… and in my heart I continue to honor the way in which he enriched my life.

Nothing is permanent.

What I know is that each friend matters and adds something unique to our lives. Continuing to nourish these vital relationships for as long as we can makes every day a little better.

How have you navigated through the loss of a dear friend?

As always I’d love to hear from you about your thoughts and comments below.

With love,
Randy

Good friends are the people that we choose to let in to the inner sanctum.
They make our lives sweeter during the good and difficult times. Friends are our supports and reality testers. We rely upon each other knowing that we’re safe to reveal our true selves.
A few nights ago a dear friend of mine died after a brief and horrible bout with cancer. We had deep bonds over the decades…though only intermittent contact. His death feels like a sucker punch.
Have you encountered a loss that shook you to the core?
As I scroll through our many experiences together I’m struck that our culture has no rituals in place for the loss of a friend. Rituals exist for those who mourn the loss of parents, partners, colleagues and God forbid children…but not for dear friends.
Losing a good friend…
The bond between friends can be life altering and has in fact been shown to be the key to health, happiness and longevity.
I’ve decided to light candles in his memory, say my prayers and share stories with a few people who knew him and others who simply have the capacity to listen generously.
Spending time with his family also feels healing—as we connect over our common love and loss. I’ve yet to journal but will… and in my heart I continue to honor the way in which he enriched my life.
Nothing is permanent.
What I know is that each friend matters and adds something unique to our lives. Continuing to nourish these vital relationships for as long as we can makes every day a little better.
How have you navigated through the loss of a dear friend?As always I’d love to hear from you about your thoughts and comments. You can simply reply directly to this email.
With love,Randy

Good friends are the people that we choose to let in to the inner sanctum.
They make our lives sweeter during the good and difficult times. Friends are our supports and reality testers. We rely upon each other knowing that we’re safe to reveal our true selves.
A few nights ago a dear friend of mine died after a brief and horrible bout with cancer. We had deep bonds over the decades…though only intermittent contact. His death feels like a sucker punch.
Have you encountered a loss that shook you to the core?
As I scroll through our many experiences together I’m struck that our culture has no rituals in place for the loss of a friend. Rituals exist for those who mourn the loss of parents, partners, colleagues and God forbid children…but not for dear friends.
Losing a good friend…
The bond between friends can be life altering and has in fact been shown to be the key to health, happiness and longevity.
I’ve decided to light candles in his memory, say my prayers and share stories with a few people who knew him and others who simply have the capacity to listen generously.
Spending time with his family also feels healing—as we connect over our common love and loss. I’ve yet to journal but will… and in my heart I continue to honor the way in which he enriched my life.
Nothing is permanent.
What I know is that each friend matters and adds something unique to our lives. Continuing to nourish these vital relationships for as long as we can makes every day a little better.
How have you navigated through the loss of a dear friend?As always I’d love to hear from you about your thoughts and comments. You can simply reply directly to this email.
With love,Randy

How noise affects you and your ability

Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed by the noise that surrounds your life?

Years ago I went on a 10-day silent meditation retreat. After a few tortuous days alone with my thoughts and feelings I began to surrender to a place of peace and reflection.

More than the meditating it was the quiet that gave me the space to think and reenergize. Before this experience, I had not even noticed how inundated I was with noise—especially the noise of technology.

Since that retreat from more than three decades ago, I’ve learned that sitting in silence whether or not I’m deliberately meditating has helped me to gather my thoughts, focus and personally lead my life with greater intention.

How does noise affect you and your ability to focus? And what do you do about it?

The World Health Organization (WHO) called noise pollution a modern day plague and claims “there is overwhelming evidence that exposure to environmental noise has adverse effects on the health of the population.”

Stress, heart disease, tinnitus, loss of sleep and agitation are some of the ways we are negatively affected by noise.

Think of when you hear a sudden loud noise. Your cortisol or stress level spikes and you might notice your heart beating faster for a few minutes. When exposed to loud sounds chronically they form a backdrop and we may not even notice the toll this is taking on our nervous system.

Silence, on the other hand, leads to improved energy, creativity, concentration, memory, and better sleep. This doesn’t mean we need to be in isolation tanks or with no sound at all. For example, the sounds of nature can be quite soothing.

Walking in the woods, gardening, being by the beach, showering or using noise canceling apps give us the relief we need from constant noise. 

Other ways to discover inner quiet are found by observing the sensations of the heart, breath or the body.

Everyday there are opportunities to disengage from the noise which will directly impact your experience of overwhelm.

What do you do to silence the noise in your space?

Please let me know your thoughts, comments and feedback below. I read ALL of your responses.
With love,
Randy

What matters the most to you?

Knowing what matters most to you and “why” informs your choices, your goals and likely the vision you hold for your life.

It makes the path moving forward more clear and far more pleasurable. According to Simon Sinek everyone’s “why” is to make a difference and contribute to something bigger than themselves.

What impact do you want to make? With your family? Work? Community? The world?
A client I will call Beth was experiencing a great deal of burn-out as an ER physician. She started feeling depressed and suffered from frequent migraines.

She had known that her “why” was to help heal people in crisis. However, over the years what Beth cared about most of all shifted. Now with young children at home she felt compelled to be home with them and to have more predictable hours.

She held a deep desire to make a difference but in a way that was aligned with her current life. Beth ultimately joined a group practice where her life felt more balanced and within her control. She remained true to her passion for her family life and for making a difference.

If you know your “why”, then working towards that goal rarely feels overwhelming or stressful. You still encounter challenges but because you know where you’re headed you don’t get derailed easily or for long.

When you’re working hard for something that doesn’t matter to you, then you likely experience stress especially when things go awry.

On the other hand when you’re fully committed to what you do or a project you love, then you are energetically in alignment. Challenges are perceived as bumps in the road rather than stress or overwhelm.

What matters most to you…and why?

As always I’d love to hear from you. I look forward to reading your thoughts and comments.
With love,
Randy