S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 94

Do That Thing That’s Scaring You!

Sometimes there’s something that we think about or that presents itself to us but it scares us. Yet we can’t get it out of our minds. Well, it’s there for a reason! You need to do it. Will it be scary? Yes. Will you make a fool out of yourself? Possibly. Will it be worth it? Hell yeah!

 

I’m the April Fool

A fool for spending my first day of April feeling so low. And then wallowing in that low instead of lifting it. Well, it’s because I’m lonely…

I hope that you never find out what loneliness feels like. Because it’s agony. Right now, there’s a pain in my chest that is weakening my entire body. I am weak. I am lost. I am lonely.

Don’t get confused. Loneliness isn’t being alone, not really.

For me, loneliness is being constantly misunderstood.

Loneliness is having a birthday coming up and searching through your Facebook to find someone, anyone to spend it with.

Loneliness is having family, a boyfriend, school friends and work friends but still feeling alone because where is that friend-friend?

Loneliness is looking at your Snapchat on a Saturday night and seeing everyone you know is out or busy and no one invited you – Then you torture yourself watching their stories and refreshing the page.

Loneliness is being in a packed room and feeling like no one would notice if you were gone.

Loneliness is feeling like everyone would prefer your sister to you.

Loneliness is crying every time your boyfriend leaves even if he’s done your head in all day.

Loneliness is not having a go-to someone when you have a relapse or even when you have good news.

Loneliness is feeling like your true self will never be right or good enough.

Loneliness is travelling to another country on your own because you have no one else to go with – only to then feel lonely there too, and feel like you’re going crazy.

Loneliness is being a writer.

Loneliness is dropping out of university.

Loneliness is not knowing enough about anything.

Loneliness is …Being me

Do What you Need to Do

Sometimes you just have to do what you need to do. You might not like it. It might be really tough. But you need to do what you need to do.

As long as the reasons are right for you, then go through the hardships to achieve it. For example, I met up with my fellow author friend the other day. We had a great chat and both discussed the full awesomeness of our fantasy series. However, she then said to me that my titles, covers and synopsises don’t in any way show the full awesomeness of my series. Not one bit.

Normal people might have been upset or angry at themselves but I wasn’t. Instead I agreed with her; I could finally see it and understood that the younger me had made a mistake. A mistake of which was hindering my sales. So now I am working hard to fix that mistake whilst sales are low and there’s still time.

Do what you need to do.

I could have easily said she was wrong. I could have ignored her. I could have cried and vowed to never publish a book again. But because she told me in a respectful way, and said so after hearing the full extent of my series and asking questions, I realised that I believed her. It was comforting to know and truly realise for myself that the books are good, it’s just the marketing that needs work. Which makes sense because I am an author who’s still learning to market herself. There’s a lot of trial and error needed for this because what works for one doesn’t work for everyone.

I’m learning. I know I say that a lot and anyone who reads this must think I’m mad, but I write these things so that you know it’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to be unsure. In fact it’s okay to be totally sure about something but then change your mind later! That’s life. And when you’re young, you’re learning what you do and don’t like. Who you do and don’t like. Where you want to go. And most of all, who you want to be.

I’m just learning that not everyone has to like me or agree with me. I’m learning that everyone has an opinion and a lot of the time they will clash with my own, but once I know who I am and am confident in that person it won’t matter.

So I admit to my mistake with my books, but I don’t regret making them. I needed to do it to know what doesn’t work. I now have that knowledge to move forwards with. And I’ve engaged people and made sales and gained fans even with the bad marketing, so it can only go up from here.

I’m excited!

You will hear a lot of hard stuff in life but only take on what you know to be true and necessary. Then do what you need to do to get where you want to go, or be who you want to be.

Good luck.

Slave To

How am I meant to be whole, when pieces of me are scattered here, there and everywhere to aid other people?

How can I make my own decisions when I feel so watched?

How can I be me, whoever that is, when there’s so many others around me forcing their ideals, their suffocating personalities onto me?

Can I really say that I’m free? In a literal sense, yes, for that I am grateful. But my mind isn’t. It never is.

For I am slave to my emotions, real deep and raw.

Slave to my past, scatty and poorly structured.

Slave to my mother who I am strong for when she can’t be.

Slave to my sister who will always be better than me.

Slave to my brother who’s mind overpowers mine.

Slave to my boyfriend who I just want to see happy – without restriction or being anything but himself.

Slave to my Grandparents to whom I owe so much.

Slave to my managers who I just want to tell to fuck off.

Slave to my creativity which rears its head at the worst times.

Slave to my opinions that just seem to fight for the little guy.

Slave to my insecurities which create a new problem each day.

Slave to technology and television and ideals sent to me through a brightly light screen.

Slave to the anxiety that seems to always scream.

Slave to it all… Because it is everywhere and inside of me. They control me. They decide who I am. But like Stockholm syndrome, I am in love with my captors and don’t know if I could live if I were free.

And I’m breaking.

Unhinged.

How can someone who feels like they carry the weight of so many, feel so expendable? Surely their world’s would collapse without me? And yet…Here I am, feeling unimportant. Forgotten. Used. An afterthought. Just the thing you expect to always be there. A piece of furniture.

So I weep alone and try my best to remember where all of my pieces are. Don’t let anyone down now, child. Do what’s right. Please everyone like the good girl you are.

Don’t Believe Everything You Think You Know

Because we’re wrong a lot!

Hey guys, so since the horrid attack in London (where my heart goes out to those affected by the terror) I have been thinking. We can’t trust everything we think we know. So many news outlets apparently delivered inaccurate news about the event. For example, a television broadcast in Russia apparently posted an “image of the assailant” which turned out to be an old image of another attack done in 2013! But a lot of people would take this as fact and believe that the person on their television was the culprit. They could then believe the negative stereotypes that the Russian news cast apparently pointed out, too, where they said that the man wore “a headscarf from Pakistan” and “used a knife that can be found in your kitchen”. This kind of thing causes so much terror, discrimination and breeds hate crime. If you say a man who killed a lot of people looks like this and has this thing and is from this place and practices this religion, you are giving closed-minded people the “tools” and “evidence” for their hate, stemming from a place of fear.

I felt so sad for those who lost their lives or their family members during the attack, but I also felt so heavyhearted for the Muslim community, because time and time again they are attacked and judged because of certain individuals’ movements and how the media treats these stories.

Please, remember that those who are a part of these horrific movements are not a representation of the Muslim/Islamic community. NOT ONE BIT.

So don’t believe everything you read. Not even what I write or say! Online posts can be warped to suit whatever the writer/editors needs are or prejudice is. Images can be photoshopped really well. Things can be taken out of context. And not even the television is accurate all the time!  A lot and often, these news broadcasters just want to get a big story out quickly, without intrinsic study or regard for the facts. These are half-truths and can be very damaging.

Unless you saw it for yourself. Unless you know accurate and intensive research has been done, backed up by valid sources, don’t just believe everything you see. And I don’t just mean with news, either. I mean with anything! It’s fine to be amazed by something or entertained by something, of course. But don’t make yourself seem like a fool by just accepting everything online to be true and real.

Intelligence isn’t knowing everything about everything. Intelligence, for me, can be as simple as having “facts” or opinions presented to you and understanding it, but also questioning it.

The most intellectual people are those with curiosity, questions, and critical thinking. BE ONE OF THESE PEOPLE!

Do What Makes you Happy

Do what makes you happy, my friend. And do it unapologetically. Do it loud and proud. Do it with all your might. Then let it kill you.

There was this great piece of advice in a film I watched the other day…

“Don’t do anything just because you can.

Don’t do anything you don’t love.

Don’t do anything because other people think you should.

Don’t do anything because you’re afraid to do something else.”

I love this! I love it so much. It is so true and it was put in a way that I’ve never heard before especially the last line. It rang in my head for ages afterwards, so much so I had to make a note of it in my phone.

If there’s something that you think about all the time. If there’s a dream that follows you. If you’re bored, angry or drained at your current job with little to no reward. If you aren’t being challenged. If you’ve never done anything bar what you do now. If you’ve never been anywhere. If you don’t feel needed or useful. If you think for a second that your purpose isn’t what you’re currently doing. Then do something else. There’s so much out there, so so much. It’s actually scary that there’s so much choice. So there shouldn’t be any excuse to make yourself miserable everyday. Figure out what you need to do to go where you want to go, set a plan, get help, get qualifications, whatever it is and then do it!

There’s no easy way to become an author. There’s so straight road. But I’m trying to make it happen because I need it to. I want to be happy everyday knowing I’m doing what I feel I was born to do.

And so should you. Don’t settle for less than. Don’t settle for the easy road that makes you unhappy.

Be brave, be honest, be you.

 

Changing the World is Easy

Let’s Connect

I want to start connecting with anyone who is out there trying to better their lives or build something impressive. I want to find the dreamers and the change-makers and have them on my team as we help each other grow.


Together we get to the top, not alone.

Prove Yourself Wrong

Here is a list of all the things I doubted I could do, but then I proved myself wrong.

Go abroad alone (to a country where I don’t know the language or anything about it, no less).
Inspire people to better their lives.
Be a leader.
Host an event.
Speak openly about my problems and my life in general.
Get the confidence to share my work.
Go out to unknown locations and socialise.
Have a boyfriend who loves me.
Do a speech in front of over a hundred people.
Stand up for myself.
Get a job in a busy environment.
Give a motivational talk to a group of people.
Change my hairstyle drastically.
Get tattoos and piercings to develop my personal style.
Publish books.
Write books outside of my original book series.
Write more than one book.
Share my opinions.
Finish a year of university when I wanted to quit.
Get through depression.
Not be limited by my anxiety.
Help others in damaging situations.
Have a YouTube channel.
Meditation and yoga.
Find a spiritual belief (still a work in progress but I feel it there).
Finally go to Italy.
See something important through to the end, despite feeling so low (e.g. the sequel in my fantasy series).
Be paid to write for someone.
Follow my heart.

 

Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. You are your own biggest hater. You are the only one holding you back. No one else matters; you don’t have any need to prove anyone else wrong. It is not their life. Instead, aspire to prove yourself wrong – time and time again.

I Know I Can.

I keep second-guessing myself. With everything that I do, I think about a thousand different scenarios before ever making a decision. Yet, I still manage to worry and lose faith in myself!

*Slaps forehead*

I always say “I think I can do this”, “I think I’ll be okay” but this is wrong. This shows hesitation. It gives room for self-doubt. Instead, I need to change this mantra. I need to say something more concrete.

“I Know I Can.”

Because I know I can make it as a writer. I know I am an intelligent, beautiful young woman, who will do great things with her life. I know I will find a place where I feel accepted and understood. I know I will make changes in this world. I know I will share the stories in my heart, and the right people will value them. I know my anxiety won’t steer my life for much longer.

I know I can do this…

And you guys need to remember this, too. Stop saying “I think” and start saying “I know.” There is more that we know, especially about ourselves and our abilities, than we realise. My anxiety has me panicking every time something social is about to happen, yet I know that every time I’m in that situation, I’m fine in the end; especially now. So why do I still doubt myself? Why do I let the anxiety tell me I’m wrong?

And why do you?

It’s not just anxiety, either. It’s any self-doubt, low self-esteem, or fear. Don’t let it stop you from saying, and believing, that you can do something. You won’t always have confidence on your journey, wherever your journey takes you, but using certain words and mantras can put out a positive energy into the universe that will be given back to you. It shows that you know what you want and what you can do. It inspires confidence. People will trust you to do what you say, which means they will help you get to where you want or need to go in life.

“I know I can do this” and then it will be so…even if it takes a long time and a lot of pitfalls along the way.

The crazy thing is, I’ve done a lot of things. Are they impressive to everyone? No. But when I really think about it, they are impressive things to ME. I have done things that I once believed, for certain, that I could never, ever do. I have proven myself wrong more than I’ve proven anyone else wrong. Sometimes, other people believe in me more than I believe in myself! How mad!?

So, I think it’s about time that I stop being scared of my own potential. I have big ideas. I have things I want to do and so I have to do them. For my own sanity and happiness. To fuel my spirit, my soul.

And the only way to achieve that is to finally tell myself that not only do I think I can, but now, finally, I KNOW I CAN.

As our brother, Barak Obama said, “Yes We Can.” I’m listening, sir, I know I can.