S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 93

Thought Capture

The universe doesn’t offer us everything we’ve ever wanted on a silver platter. No, instead it presents us with the very thing we need in these confusing, scary little boxes. And the sad thing is, a lot of people toss these boxes aside or shun them or allow themselves to be beaten by them. But those curious few; those courageous few, will open that confusing box and see what’s inside. They’ll take on what happens thereafter and try to figure it what it could mean. Then that’s it, there you have it, everything you ever needed and more starts to unfold.

Don’t blame the universe for never helping you. Time and time again you are presented with gifts, if only you’d open your eyes and your mind to the possibilities.

Thought Capture

Trying to sort out my life has become my life.

Is that normal for your twenties? I hope so.

Thought Capture

My writing has become about the audience. For me, this is wrong. It’s not meant to be about the audience, it’s about the writer. It’s about you. Writing is supposed to expose you. It’s intimate, it’s real. That’s the only way that it’s authentic. And there’s nothing better in this world than authenticity.

Once I became known as a writer, I forgot that writing was about me. I’ve been writing for an audience instead. Doing it that way makes your writing rushed, fake and sometimes maybe even boring. Because you’re trying to please so many people that you fall short.

I’ve let the fact that I’m not doing well with money cloud my judgement, I think. I’ve been thinking of all the little books I could write quickly and sell fast. I’ve been thinking of the sites I could start to make money from, too. Instead I should have just been writing whatever was in my heart, like I used to. Then in time the right people would find me and they’d love what they found because it was real. Right?

I was reading over my old poems and I loved them. I don’t mean to sound boastful but they were real to me. They made me feel. And when my boyfriend remembered the title of a poem I read at my event last year, I knew it to be true. My poems, the ones I never intended to show anyone, might just be my best work. Because they’re filled with emotion and never try to be anything else but what they are. This is what writing should be. The story or the poem should be what it is regardless of what sells or is popular or is easy. Right?

Writing has always been my friend but I’ve been a bad friend to it, lately. Writing has always had my back. It has always made me feel safe and confident at times and free. Writing helps me be me.

And writing never makes you apologise for any of it.

Thought Capture

I’m doing this segment because I can’t write a well-thought through, poetic piece. I just can’t string the thoughts together. I feel like this is my life at the moment – a long line of profound thoughts, innovative ideas, and even some awesome actions but that’s all they are. Just stand alone, one-offs. Nothing more. They don’t connect and so they’re meaningless. What I do feels meaningless at times.

But perhaps if I start capturing the random thoughts I have, I can find meaning. I can see the pieces laid out before me and put something together. Who knows.

 

(So yeah, welcome to my new segment called “Thought Capture”, where I capture my thoughts… Duh.)

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Confusion is Poison

I really didn’t know that something as “simple” as confusion would be my undoing.

Confusion seems to be the biggest ghoul in my life at the moment – it has been for a while, really. I feel like I have so many uncertainties. So many maybes. So many ifs and buts. So many directions that my compass is spinning out of control.

I’m lost.

My head literally aches from the number of decisions I feel as though I have to make. My notebooks and phone memos are overwhelmed by the number of times I’ve written to-do lists or Pros and Cons lists or schedules to try and do it all.

I even find myself searching “how to get your life together” and “how to sort your life out.” Like WTF am I doing…

In order to be successful, I know I have to focus. Only then can you reach your goal because all of your time is dedicated to it. But the only thing that I’m sure about is being an author. I want to make a living from sharing stories with the world. Sharing my voice. And so, of course, I do that. I haven’t stopped doing that for the majority of my life. I’m always working on my books in one way or another and trying to learn how to market them, too.

However, this isn’t everything in my life. There are other things I want to do. I want to help people. I want to make a change. I can do this with my books, yes, but I feel like there is something more that I can do.

You see, I have this idea of something I could do that would hopefully help young people to better themselves and the world we live in by simply thinking differently and uniting. But if I do this, it will take up more of my time. Then there’s the need for a full-time job now that my boyfriend and I would like to live together. Again, taking up more of my time, and most likely in a job that I won’t care about at all. Lastly, I’ve been thinking about education again.

Time. Time. Time.

It runs from us all and when you’re someone like me, with so many interests and passions, it can be daunting to have so little time and such a long to-do list.

I’m confused. I’m lonely. I’m lost.

And all this is making me really angry and really sad. Is a bit of clarity too much to ask for? Perhaps I can always do this new idea later in life, and concentrate for now on my books, finding a new job and perhaps starting to study again.

I don’t know.

I feel like that’s my new catchphrase now – “I don’t know…”

Maybe I need to go on a spiritual journey in order to connect with my inner self and finally know what I want and what will bring me the most happiness. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Experiences Shape Thoughts

I think the big problem with the world and the people in it is that no two people will experience this world in the exact same way. Therefore no two people will have the exact same viewpoint. The exact same logic; likes and dislikes; beliefs; passions; intelligence; so on and so forth. And as beautiful as this is, it is also what sadly tears us apart.

Have you ever had an argument with someone and you’ve been so sure that you’re right. Maybe they are extremely prejudice and so you fight against them, but even when you’re saying something so “true” and “right” and “fair” they still don’t take on your opinion at all and continue to believe their viewpoint is right?

Well that’s because they’ve never seen the world you have seen. They haven’t experienced what you have. Someone who has never been racially discriminated against, for example, can’t truly appreciate the affects and definite presence of racsim now – however subtle racism may be in some countries now. And this is just one example. In life, we will experience many situations like this and it’ll drive us mad!

But I think I’m finally learning, in my early twenties, that I can’t allow someone’s viewpoint to anger, upset or frustrate me too much. I can explain my perspective until my heart is content, even with all the best evidence I can find, but sometimes someone just can’t see the picture you’re painting, and that’s not your fault. And in a way, it’s not their fault either. They’ve grown up in a different way. They’ve experienced things differently. They’re not being horrid for the sake of being horrid, necessarily, they’re just different to you.

By allowing that difference of opinion to blacken your mind or harm your heart is just clumsy. We need to harden ourselves to the world because it’ll happen to us a lot. As someone who shares her thoughts avidly with the public, I need to grow some thick skin and harden my heart quickly, that’s for sure!

But my advice to you today would be to try to practice opening your mind. Try to understand an outside view. Also, don’t be too disheartened or angry at the world when someone doesn’t understand your view.

We all experience the same world in different ways, remember that. And those experiences then become thoughts, feelings, words and actions.

22 Thoughts I Have Now that I’m 22

I am stronger than I realise.
I’m more interesting than I realise.
I don’t need to try to be anything I’m not; flawed and proud.
A sense of self will go a long way, so I need to concentrate on that.
I am free, which is such an amazing thought.
The world is bigger than where I am now.
Social media is dangerous, get off and switch off more.
I’m lucky in love; I have such a loving family and amazing boyfriend and that should be my focus.
Always remember to grow in every way.
We must progress in life, yes, but don’t let it stress you; relinquish control every now and then!
Focus.
Be you and be proud, not everyone has to like or understand you.
Never be afraid to have a dream and work hard for it. It’s a hard and lonely journey, but it will keep you warm inside.
You’re a writer. Be a writer.
Don’t hold on to negative energy, let things go even when they aren’t necessarily resolved.
Seek out new people, new stories and new places.
Learn to love learning again.
One fan, one view, one reader goes a long way. Give them all your energy and that one fan can mean everything.
Health and happiness is the most important thing, simple.
You don’t have to have all the answers, if something feels right, do it, if you’re unsure, go with the flow.
I don’t need to let other people’s opinions be my truth if I don’t see fit.
Be kind, be passionate, be courageous – especially when the world tests you.

21 Awesome Things I Did Whilst I was 21

1. Saw a play in the theatre

2. hosted my own event

3. travelled alone

4. went to Italy

5. gave a motivational talk

6. dyed my hair

7. got braids

8. republished No Secrets

9. revamped my series

10. started Beasts Collide

11. moved into my brother’s room

12. spoke at a community leaders group

13. spoke at a fashion show

14. got a new piercing

15. got a new tattoo

16. ate octopus, sushi and squid

17. Italian restaurant

18. 2nd anniversary

19. got two new jobs

20. started YouTube

21. started a new lifestyle blog

Walk the Walk

My walking style says a lot about all my problems in life!

1. I walk too fast – I’m always in a hurry to get places instead of taking my time, taking in my surroundings, enjoying the journey and getting there when the time is right.

2. I’m always dodging people – I’m always moving out of people’s way first. Avoiding people is bad. Avoiding confrontation is bad. And always accommodating others is bad, too.

3. I run off and leave people behind – I don’t take into account that other people with me need more time. I’m a giving person but do I wholly understand each individual and their needs?

4. I wear the wrong shoes – And it hurts to wear the wrong things. I make my life harder. I make it uncomfortable. With little changes it could be so much easier, starting with shoes.

5. I’m too aware of my surroundings – I’m conscious of who’s where and what I’m doing and how I’m walking and it’s just too much. The same goes for my life. I’m thinking too much about myself and everyone else that there’s literally an ache in my brain. Just look forwards, Siana, and see where the road takes you.

Dreams Become Nightmares

,withoutck between working myself to the bone for my dream, so that I won’t have to work a horrid day ever again. And just living my life happy and carefree whilst I’m still young.

People think it’s great knowing what you want to do with your life, but it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. Not one bit.

My dream keeps me warm but it also breaks my heart. It’s so hard knowing who you want to be. Knowing where you want to go. Knowing what you’d do with your success. But having none of it.

I know it will take time but no one else seems to truly appreciate that, without a side of judgement and a dash of “if I were you I’d do this”. They watch but they don’t help. And to be surrounded by that makes it so much harder. So much harder.

But it’s not just them, because I have supporters and really helpful people around me, too. But it comes from a place of love not understanding. People sharing my work but not reading it. People who read it but perhaps don’t truly understand it.

How do you know if you’re doing the right thing or if you haven’t found the right audience or if it’s something else?

And how do you ensure that you don’t lose yourself along the way?

I’m afraid that my dream is becoming a nightmare when I’m surrounded by all this mess.

I need to get out. I need to breathe again, so that my dream can bloom once more.