Confusion is Poison

I really didn’t know that something as “simple” as confusion would be my undoing.

Confusion seems to be the biggest ghoul in my life at the moment – it has been for a while, really. I feel like I have so many uncertainties. So many maybes. So many ifs and buts. So many directions that my compass is spinning out of control.

I’m lost.

My head literally aches from the number of decisions I feel as though I have to make. My notebooks and phone memos are overwhelmed by the number of times I’ve written to-do lists or Pros and Cons lists or schedules to try and do it all.

I even find myself searching “how to get your life together” and “how to sort your life out.” Like WTF am I doing…

In order to be successful, I know I have to focus. Only then can you reach your goal because all of your time is dedicated to it. But the only thing that I’m sure about is being an author. I want to make a living from sharing stories with the world. Sharing my voice. And so, of course, I do that. I haven’t stopped doing that for the majority of my life. I’m always working on my books in one way or another and trying to learn how to market them, too.

However, this isn’t everything in my life. There are other things I want to do. I want to help people. I want to make a change. I can do this with my books, yes, but I feel like there is something more that I can do.

You see, I have this idea of something I could do that would hopefully help young people to better themselves and the world we live in by simply thinking differently and uniting. But if I do this, it will take up more of my time. Then there’s the need for a full-time job now that my boyfriend and I would like to live together. Again, taking up more of my time, and most likely in a job that I won’t care about at all. Lastly, I’ve been thinking about education again.

Time. Time. Time.

It runs from us all and when you’re someone like me, with so many interests and passions, it can be daunting to have so little time and such a long to-do list.

I’m confused. I’m lonely. I’m lost.

And all this is making me really angry and really sad. Is a bit of clarity too much to ask for? Perhaps I can always do this new idea later in life, and concentrate for now on my books, finding a new job and perhaps starting to study again.

I don’t know.

I feel like that’s my new catchphrase now – “I don’t know…”

Maybe I need to go on a spiritual journey in order to connect with my inner self and finally know what I want and what will bring me the most happiness. I’ll let you know how it goes.