S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 68

How Family Affects Our Sense of Identity in Adulthood

*Part of the Identity Series*

Intro

Obviously, we know that our upbringing has a direct effect on who we are. In the Nurture versus Nature argument, I lean more towards Nurture. We are a product of our environment.

I am kind because my mother showed me how to be kind.

I am resilient because she has always been so resilient, leading by example.

I am forgiving and good because of my grandparents and my mother.

Simple.

We gain our fundamental values and beliefs from our family. We learn about the world and society through our family’s teachings, first of all. We walk the paths that they lay out for us until we are old enough to decide the path for ourselves.

This means that our families are the beginning for us when forming our identities.

But I don’t want to analyse that too much; it’s been done before. Instead, let’s think about how our family can affect our sense of identity as adults…

 

Protection

To our family, we will always be someone to shield and protect.

To our parents (or parental figures), we’ll always need them. Whatever we do will always be tarnished by their perspective as our carers. From that nurturing, protecting position. They will feel resistance when we choose to do something that they deem unsafe or outside of their values.

As we grow, we find new ways to do things and come into our own. But through the eyes of our older family members, they can’t help but poke and prod and say, “that’s not the way it’s done.” (Or some variation of that.) And this calls us to question if we’re doing things right after all.

 

We must be careful with family-time as adults.

Being around family can do a few things:

Make you annoyed or reserved because you’re being judged or babied or questioned constantly.
Make you defensive because you have to justify your life choices (big or small).
Or make you lazy because “mom will do it.“

I’ve yet to move out of my family home. It’s me, my mom, my sister (age 21), my partner, and my dog. So, I’ve got my little self-made family (me, partner, dog) living with my birth-family in my childhood home.

This is very confusing and weird for me on a regular basis.

The reason for this is because, naturally, I want to spend the majority of my time with my partner. That’s very normal and natural for an adult woman, right?

But, of course, we’re not alone. Not really. We have two others in the house. So eating alone seems selfish at times. Buying our own groceries or having takeout for ourselves does too. Even though it shouldn’t.

One minute I feel like a grown-up, with maintaining the house and my job and my passions and being with my life partner and discussing the future and all that stuff. But then the next, I’m being told how to do the washing “properly” or that I should iron my trousers! Or I’m being bothered while I’m working from home, with trivial stuff from a nagging mother!

And that’s not a knock at my mom. Mothers are supposed to be like that because it’s their natural instinct to protect and control and keep the order. It’s only when we grow up, of course, that it comes across all wrong and is seen by us as unwanted and “nagging” because we feel we don’t need it anymore.

We’re ready to walk our own way and learn as we go.

But in truth, we know our family (especially our parental figures) will always be there and will always care for us, even to a fault.

I say to a fault because our family’s natural instinct to protect us can hold us back. If we allow our family’s values to be true for us, we may never truly grow. They like us to stay safe, make good money, have a family of our own, and be good. This often doesn’t mean jetting off to Africa on your own, or chasing a dream while penniless, or having sex with strangers, or swearing on the internet.

They try to keep us wrapped up in a bubble, but really, there’s not much room to breathe and grow and spread your wings in that bubble.

It’s hard to know yourself, find yourself, or shape yourself while allowing yourself to be constantly trapped in the bubble-wrap of your family’s making.

Therefore, our sense of personal identity can suffer.

You’re faced with an option: Stay true to what your family wants for you, or break free and find your own way.

…

Found Family

We make our own friends through life that become a sort of self-made family. Think Friends or How I Met Your Mother; they spend the majority of their time with each other, not their families.

We pick the people we want to spend time with who help us to grow, share our values, and care about us. People who we feel comfortable around and can be our true selves with.

With family, we were born into a community, a unit. And for some, that family isn’t great. For others, it’s downright awful. I’m lucky that I do have a great family, but they’re not…like me. I feel on the outside and uncomfortable when I’m around them for too long. And I think that’s okay. It just means I need other people who I can be myself with, while still loving and respecting my family (and hopefully getting the same in return).

The people we grow up with will, of course, impact who we are. But they don’t get to define us. They don’t get to write the script of our lives. It’s down to us to write our own narrative and become whatever kind of hero we want to be in our own story.

We are the authors, the editors, the illustrators, and the publishers!

(Just to run with the metaphor there!)

 

Being around family will sometimes alter how we behave. We hide parts of our true self. We don’t really want them to know the dark parts, the ugly parts, the hard-to-explain parts, the failures, or the more…inappropriate stuff.

But we should never allow that to mean that who we are is wrong. Or that because our family doesn’t truly know us or appreciate the awesomeness of our true selves that we should avoid being our true selves.

Hell no!

Instead, as I say, find your tribe. Find a self-made extended family who do see you for who you are and love you in your entirety. People who help you to grow and shape your own identity in adulthood. Because I truly believe that who we are is influenced by who we spend most of our time with.

If you feel out of place, self-loathing, anxiety, or discomfort, it might just be because who you spend time with is not in alignment with who you really are. And your spirit, your soul, is crying out to you. And even if those wrong people are family members, you owe it to yourself to get away and find those who nurture your true spirit instead.

…

Role Models

For many of us, our older family members act as a sort of blueprint for how to live our life. I once wanted to be just like my older cousins, who had gone off to university and graduated to then land great jobs, make good money, find life partners and make a good family life for themselves. They’re cool and intelligent and witty. Perfect role models.

The same goes for my mother. She is a strong, resilient woman who has been through tough times but still manages to support us and keep smiling. To be like her would be an honour.

But again, we must be careful.

If we look to our family as a guide on how to live life, we may miss the excellence that is already naturally within us. To aim to be like your brother, father, or grandfather is great; it’s a testament to how great they are as people. However, those who model their own life to someone else’s runs the risk of becoming someone else and not living their own life.

Going to university because your sister did is not a good enough reason to go. Joining the army because your grandfather did, does not mean it will make you happy and successful like he was.

In adulthood, I think we need role models less, and mentors more. We will naturally see others living lives that intrigue us, but we shouldn’t aim to copy them; instead, we should be instructed by them as we make our own way. Take what works for us personally, and leave the rest.

Instead of moulding your identity to fit with family members, perhaps aim to harness their traits or values. For example, be hard-working, kind, enthusiastic, and ambitious like your mother, but don’t become a chef just because she was if that doesn’t fit with what you really want when you think about who you are.

Don’t force yourself into a stencil just to fit in with your family or be like them.

…

Last Thoughts

I think that our values and our understanding of the world does, first and foremost, come from our families and our formative years with them. We gain values, beliefs, connections, knowledge, behaviours, and traditions from family. All of these are beautiful, special things that will lay the foundations of who we are.

But when you become an adult, don’t be afraid to question and reshape those foundations. It might just be what you need in order to finally build a real home for yourself that is true to who you are and your personal sense of identity.

 

Conclusion

“How does family affect our sense of identity in adulthood?”

They shaped us in our formative years, which can cause an inner conflict when going against them.
We can shrink back to who we were when we were young when around them.
Their protective bubble can stifle our growth.
They can hold us back from being the truest, most expressive versions of ourselves – with actions, words, judgement, or other.
They may try to make us follow their wants and needs instead of our own.
They can protect us, hold us, and nurture us when the world tries to make us into something we are not.
We can question who we are and our life choices when they don’t stack up to familial expectations or values.
They can be role models or mentors, and that’s up to us to decide for ourselves.

 

The way I see it, if you can separate family-ties from other personal connections, you’ll be okay. Realise what you gain and need from each individual you interact with. And as long as you never let other people (family or not) dictate who you are, you will be just fine and your identity will be wholly and comfortably your own.

We owe it to ourselves to grow away from family in adulthood to see what we believe in and value for ourselves. To finally take hold of our own lives and who we are.

 

I hope none of this came off as a knock at my family. As I said, I love my family. I’m lucky to have landed a good one. I’m grateful to my mom and my siblings and my grandparents for protecting me, loving me, supporting me, and housing me. All that I am is because of them.

My point is that family is not the be all and end all. That family can have the best of intentions, but their way is not the “right way” to live and it can sometimes hold us back if we think it is. Some people allow their family to dictate who they can be, and that’s just not the case.

Cheerio!

Where I Get My Inspiration & Motivation

Harry Potter

I start my list here because Harry Potter has always just been there for me. Whenever I’m down or in doubt, I know it’s there to make me feel good about life and myself again. I’m never alone with Harry Potter.

So, I reach for a book or a film and boom, I’m back to me again.

 

TV shows

Watching TV, when it’s the right kind of TV, can really inspire and motivate me. Below are some of my favourite shows that always inspire my work, make me feel good, or get me moving and grooving again:

Community
Bojack Horseman
Gilmore Girls
One Day At A Time
How I Met Your Mother
Parks and Recreation
Avatar the Last Airbender

 

YouTube

I watch a variety of YouTubers for different reasons, but mainly it’s either for life inspiration, education, or writing advice/inspiration. Below are the YouTubers I enjoy for one of the reasons listed:

Kalyn Nicholson (lifestyle)
Lavendaire (lifestyle)
Super Carlin Bros (entertainment & writing-ish)
The Take by ScreenPrism (writing)
MuchelleB (lifestyle)
Ted-Ed (education)
TedTalks (education)
Rachael Stephen (writing)
The Closer Look (writing)
Karsten Runquist (writing)
Sorelle Amore (lifestyle)
Just Write (writing)
GaryVee (business)
The School of Life (education)
Erin May Henry (lifestyle & business)
Amy Landino (lifestyle & business)


Podcasts

Listening to a motivational or inspirational podcast has become a norm for me. When I walk Joey (my dog), I nearly always listen to a podcast. Once I’m done, I’m guaranteed to feel inspired. Here are my favourites:

Kalyn Nicholson’s Coffeetalk podcast
Lavendaire Lifestyle podcast
Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert podcast
Super Soul Conversations, Oprah’s podcast
Permission Granted, Shaina Leis’s podcast
The GaryVee Audio Experience podcast
On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast
And of course, my own What I Know So Far podcast!


Reading in general

When in doubt, read; that’s my motto. Losing yourself in a good book is a great way to improve your mood, be productive without knowing it, and be inspired.

Some books I’ve found an abundance of inspiration from:

Big Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert
Harry Potter series
Becoming, Michelle Obama
Anything from Brene Brown
Yes Please, Amy Poehler
What I Know For Sure, Oprah
John Green books (no one does friendship and lovable characters who inspire you like John Green!)

 

A Walk

As I said, I listen to a podcast while I walk Joey, but the act of walking itself is also inspiring. The nature around me, the exercise, and the detachment from the boring environment of my house/office brings about feelings of happiness. Happiness gives room for inspiration.

 

Learning

Philosophy, psychology, history, and mythology are all keen interests of mine and key points of inspiration for my stories and my content. Therefore, I stick on a YouTube video or reach for a book in these areas and I find my inspiration coming back.

Yoga or meditation

The simple act of getting quiet, moving gently, and focusing on my breath helps me to relax and centre myself. In doing this, I find that my energy elevates, my mood improves, and I’m back to feeling like myself again. This then helps the inspiration and motivation to come more easily.

 

Pinterest

This is kind of a naughty one, but I often do get inspiration from Pinterest. Looking at pretty images or clicking on links with advice in them helps to get the juices flowing. Also, of course, you can use Pinterest for a specific purpose.

Need inspiration for a room layout? Pinterest!

Need outfit inspiration? Pinterest!

Need inspiration for your fantasy world? Pinterest!

 

Exercise

I hate working out. Or rather, I hate the feeling before a workout. Afterwards or during, though, I feel immense. I always get ideas when I’m working out or directly afterwards. So, get your blood pumping in order to get your inspiration back and feel motivated to tackle other tasks.

 

Cleaning

The last thing that helps me get inspired and motivated is cleaning. Tidying up, cleaning the mess, or having a decluttering session really helps me to feel like I’m in control. It helps me to feel accomplished and orderly. This feeling then leads to excitement to get other things done, think more clearly about things I need to do, or think up new ideas.

 

What inspires you? Let me know in the comments!

Life Lessons From Bojack Horseman

I’ve watched Bojack Horseman on Netflix through to the end. I’m now rewatching it. Why? Because it is brilliant. It is real and raw and doesn’t shy away from the hard stuff even though to many, it may be written off as “just a cartoon”.

So, here’s what I’ve learned about life from Bojack Horseman (the show, not the character)…

You are what you do

Diane says this line in the show and it really resonated with me. I believe that yes, we are what we do. There is no deep down. You are not a good person deep down if all you do is hurt people, right? The way she put it seemed depressing to Bojack, but if all we are is the things we do, then isn’t that comforting in a way? It means we just need to do things, and we can change who we are.

I’m a writer because I actively write.

I’m a nice person because I’m kind, helpful, and empathic on a regular basis.

This means that we aren’t what we look like, where we were born, how we were raised, or what we like and dislike. Instead, we are what we do. And that can be anything. And that’s kind of comforting.

 

The Overthinker needs to be grounded

I identify a lot with Diane’s character, as a writer and overthinker. She is with Mr. Peanutbutter and their relationship works because he’s laidback, silly, and trusting. He doesn’t think too much, he just does what feels good.

Diane needs someone like that to balance her out. To get her out of her head, stop overthinking, and get grounded. He helps her to think more clearly and go with the flow. Contrast to this, and without Mr. Peanutbutter, Diane becomes paralysed by indecision. She thinks herself into misery.

And this is definitely something I’ve felt for myself.

Bojack and Diane help one another, but they’re also bad for one another because they feed into each other’s bleak ideals and overthinking/anxious minds. They need the other characters, their friends, to keep them from losing it altogether.

So, I’ve learned to value the people in my life who help me to think a little less.

 

Freedom isn’t all it’s cracked up to be

Money and fame can grant a lot of people a lifestyle that many of us want. Why? Because it grants freedom. Freedom to do whatever the hell you want with little consequence or struggle. But Bojack shows the downside to this.

Bojack is miserable because he is so free. He is free to sit on the couch all day. Free to blow his money. Free to take drugs, drink too much, and be bad to people because he’s famous and he gets away with it.

The show touches on the argument of Radical Freedom suggested by Jean-Paul Satre. This is the concept that we are all born free. We exist first and then it is our choices that make us who we are. And we are free to make those choices. We are “condemned to be free,” says Satre. We all have a choice; we are all free to act. Satre says that when we say we have no choice, we are lying to ourselves.

Bojack loves to blame others, run from the truth, drown his sorrows, and just say, “I’m a bad guy” as if that fixes it. He is a demonstration of what Radical Freedom can do to someone who is, by all respects, totally free to act as he wishes. And so, freedom can lead to our downfall.

 

No excuses

As Todd says to Bojack, you can’t just keep doing bad things and apologising and then carry on doing bad things. You can’t blame your past, your parents, or anything else. You just have to be better. I loved this line. “Just be better.”

I think a lot of us look all around for excuses and blame to place elsewhere. Do we go through tough times and unfair things in life? Hell yeah. But does that mean we get to blame the world and remain in shitty circumstances? No.

If we really want to change or to be good or to do better, then we must make that happen for ourselves regardless of our circumstance or what has happened. Back to my previous point, we must make that choice and we are all free to do so.

 

Life can be ugly

This is obvious, but Bojack is one of the few shows out there that dares to ask and explore the big questions, concepts, and issues in our world and our lives.

What happens to the child actress who never got to live her own life?

What if you can never be happy or satisfied?

The happiest day of your life, always has the days after, so what then?

What do you do if you’ve peaked and there’s no higher to go?

And the characters make mistakes. Not annoying ones, but real ones. Ones we can relate to, like putting your career ahead of starting a family; not knowing what to do with your life and so the years pass by and you’ve done nothing; sabotaging yourself and those around you out of fear; and focusing so much on the external because you are afraid to face what’s inside.

The show gets dark. Real dark. But it dares to go so deep that I love it. I’m a realist. I’m a writer. I love exploring identity, choices, and behaviour, and so this show is perfect for that.

Plus, it doesn’t shy away from showing the realities of mental illness (depression, anxiety, addiction) and it does it well, for the most part.

There’s so much that I love about this show that you can expect more content on it, but for now, I’ve chosen to just ease you into it with this cheery(ish) one.

Thanks for reading!

Happy April Fools, You Fool (Poem)

God, you’ve made so many mistakes.

I’m surprised you can still keep a straight face

When you say that you’re proud of yourself.

How can you be?

You fool,

You’ve made so many mistakes.

The people you neglected,

The education you turned your back on,

The jobs you were too good for,

The story ideas you failed to manifest,

All of it.

Oh yeah,

You’re a failure, too.

A big one, at that.

Losing

Losing

Losing.

Loser.

You lost your friends because

Who wants to be friends with someone like you?

An anchor that drags them down;

A mind so ravaged by fear and thought and fear.

Fool.

It’s funny because

You think you’re better than other people.

You’re not.

That’s your biggest failure,

Your greatest mistake.

In thinking you were ever anything more than

Average.

You think you don’t belong

Behind the tills, behind the desk?

Pft.

That’s more than you deserve.

Fool.

And you know what?

The most foolish thing you’ve ever done,

Really and truly,

Do you wanna know?

The greatest mistake,

The biggest failure,

Fool,

Was in writing this poem.

In writing all the poems that

Are so bleak.

So self-defying,

So hateful,

So low.

Don’t you know that is it all

Lies.

You are more than you know.

Every thought you have is real

And they’re not.

You are strong

And you’re not.

You are beautiful

And you’re not.

You are capable

And you’re not.

Like Schrodinger’s Cat,

Your life

Your abilities,

Your future,

Is everything and it is nothing.

It is both real and not real.

The only way to know,

For sure,

Is to open the box.

To take the step,

To make the choice,

To choose to speak.

So you speak.

And make sure that what you have to say

Is worth hearing.

Fool,

Don’t you dare call yourself a fool again.

The Definition of Mother

What is a Mother?

A mother is not just someone who gives birth to you. A mother is someone who carries you in their arms and promises not to let go. And from the comfort of their arms, life is a little less scary.

 

I’ve never known a father; not really. But a mother, now that’s something I can define. Something I’ve witnessed all my life. For my mother is my everything. My reason for being. My motivation, inspiration, and dedication.

I am passionate because of her.

I am good because of her.

I am resilient because of her.

I breathe because of her.

She gives my life balance. She is home, a place of comfort. She gives me strength. She says, “It’s OK, I’m here” and I find comfort in her bosom like an infant even now that I am grown. Especially now that I am grown.

 

Mom, scars and all, you are beautiful. Every day you show me that scars and all, I am beautiful, too.

I can’t believe that sometimes the bullies come along and try to prove that you are less-than. Mom, no mother could ever be less-than. For not only do you do the arduous tasks listed above each day, but you also take on your own life and its turbulence. You take on our struggles while fighting through your own.

And never, not once, do you ever turn your back.

 

Warrior.

Titan.

Mother.

They all have the same definition.

Mothers are survivors. Survivors because they fall victim to so much of life’s lashes, yet they keep on. They rise again, sometimes stronger, sometimes not; but they always rise again.

You always rise again.

 

And people used to joke that I was like you. That I was turning into you. God, how lucky I’d be if that were true. To be like you is an honour. If I can fight life half as hard as you do, I’ll be just fine.

 

At this point, I’m rambling. I could produce a whole book about you, perhaps I will, but let me just say this:

For all those looking for the definition of Mother, look no further than mine. There is no greater example of surviving against the odds; wearing scars proudly; being open and vulnerable with others; loving unconditionally; never asking for appreciation; and always standing tall even when the world tries to make you small.

 

 

My mom is the best. She got her University Degree in her 50s and still takes regular online courses now. She lost her partner and was left to raise three children alone; she has been single and a single mother ever since.

Many times has she fallen victim to depression and anxiety, and her empathy towards me and my own has helped me become the confident mental health speaker that I am today.

There are many people in her life who don’t see her for who she really is. People who bully and treat her as a lackey. She is so good that she doesn’t see the ugliness in them; even when she does, she forgives.

My mom is stronger than I may ever be. I hate that the world and other people are so cruel to her at times. I wish I could fix it all and take the pain away.

If you love your mother (whoever that may be, blood or not) then don’t you ever let them forget it.

I think many of us forget that our parents are people too. They hurt, make mistakes, and bleed like the rest of us. So hold them tightly, express your gratitude, and be their helping hand, just as they have been you for you all your life.

Creatives Have These 3 False Beliefs

Starving Artist Lifestyle

Most creatives (unless they come from money) believe that they must go through the Starving Artist phase on their journey to success. Worse still, some believe that this is all an artist can ever be.

Wrong!

Elizabeth Gilbert (the author of Eat, Pray, Love) said something in her book Big Magic that I’ll never forget. She said that she never asked her art (writing) to pay her bills. I’m paraphrasing, but basically, she never put that pressure on herself or her work.

Creativity is a beautiful thing. It should not be something that we milk and drain until it is dry for the sake of money.

Does this mean we must be starving artists, then, if we’re not aiming to make money from our art? No! It means that you should just be sensible about it. Get another job while your artwork isn’t making you money. That way the pressure is off, you can pay the bills, and your creative work can thrive and be what it wants to be without you asking it to be something else.

I get it, trust me. It sucks to have a job you don’t like while you’re working on your stuff. But it’s worse to struggle and put that pressure on yourself. If you want, and if it works for you, you could sell your talents (your art form) in another way aside from your bigger personal projects.

For example, I am a freelance writer while I write my books and my blog. This means I can support myself financially, and with my writing ability, but I’m not putting all the pressure on my books and my blog to make me money. Get it? But this doesn’t work for everyone, and it has often left me drained; so, it’s about finding what works for you.

Stop saying to yourself, or buying into the narrative, that it’s OK for you to be struggling for money. Or to be a free-loader who drains the hard-earned money of those around you. It’s not. For a time, if you really need to, yes, it’s OK. But not as a “lifestyle” choice or an unavoidable burden of the artist life!

 

Tormented Artist Narrative

Another perhaps more troubling belief is that creatives are tormented souls. That to make successful, groundbreaking art, we must be troubled. We must harness the deepest, darkest parts of ourselves and our world in order to make great art.

I think this probably came from the likes of Sylvia Plath and Van Gogh, artists who were mentally ill and it came through in their work. Was their work amazing? Yes. Does that mean you have to be ill or deeply depressed or dark to make great work? Hell no!

Again, this is something Elizabeth Gilbert touched on in Big Magic, which I strongly suggest that all artists read (also check out her podcast of the same name). She said that she had a musician friend who was a deeply depressed alcoholic and drug-abuser, but he didn’t want to seek help for it because he believed it made his art better. When written like this, it sounds ludicrous, but many artists think this way, consciously or not.

Please, just stop. If your art is good, it will always be good. Our moods change; our lives change; our art changes. But whether it is bad or good is not directly correlated with our mood or chosen lifestyle. And it is most definitely not healthy or advised that you give into or enable bad habits and untreated illness (and whatever else) just for the sake of your art.

Just NO!

If you really, truly believe that your art is only good when you are depressed, in a dark place, or doing ill-advised things, then I’m sorry but you’re probably not an artist at all.

 

You are creative

This is wrong because we aren’t creative, instead, we all can harness creativity. Creativity is not something you are, it’s something you use.

I think when we attach to the identity of being creative, it can feel like we’ve lost ourselves when our creativity isn’t flowing. Like in times when story ideas are eluding me, I can beat myself up because I think, “Well what kind of creative can’t be creative?!”

Instead, a healthier viewpoint is that creativity is something that we all can tap into, nurture, and put to work. Yes, some are better at it than others, but that doesn’t mean we get to say “we’re creative and you’re not.”

So, creative-types, let go of the belief that you ARE creative. Let go of the belief that creativity owes you something. Let go of the belief that you’re better than people who don’t class themselves as creative. Instead, have a healthy, beautiful relationship with creativity by not stifling it or possessing it or identifying as it.

 

When we let go of these 3 false beliefs, I believe that being an artist or creative person can be a whole lot easier. The journey will suddenly be a lot more fun, too!

How Does Meaning Influence Our Identity?

In today’s Identity Series essay, I’m going deep. Real deep. I aim to cover the following questions in both a philosophical, personal, and psychological manner:

What is the meaning of life?
Why do we do what we do?
How do our choices and beliefs influence one another and then contribute to our identity (who we are)?

Let’s dive in…

*DISCLAIMER: I am not a philosopher; I didn’t study philosophy so my understanding of the concepts that I go through may be rough, however, I’ve done my best and of course I’m using them for my own ideas and exploration of identity.*

 

Radical Freedom

The concept of Radical Freedom was suggested by Jean-Paul Satre, one of the big names in Existentialism (which we will go into later). In a nutshell, he argues that we are all free. We are free to make choices. Then our choices become who we are. Therefore, very simply put, we are the things we do.

We are free to make choices and our choices make us who we are.

With this in mind, we realise that our identity can come right down to our actions. Our choices on a daily basis. I find this to be quite comforting. If we are the things we do, we can quite easily reinvent our identity regularly by just doing different things.

What would make me a writer? Writing, right? That’s something I must actively do in order to categorise myself as a writer and identify with what that means.

A bad person does bad things.

A filmmaker makes films.

A fitness guru works on their fitness.

We are what we actively do. Simple, agreed.

 

Absurdism

Absurdism is a little more complicated. Absurdism is “in philosophy, ‘the Absurd’ refers to the conflict between the human tendency to seek inherent value and meaning in life and the human inability to find any in a purposeless, meaningless or chaotic and irrational universe.”

To simplify, we all search for meaning in our lives, but the conflict comes from the fact that the world is meaningless and random.

For example, a person sees the same robin on a tree every day. Their father passed away and they believe that the robin is a symbol of the father’s spirit or lingering presence. They come to this realisation and feel comforted by it. But then they never see the robin again.

The person sought meaning in the robin’s appearance. They then attached meaning to it. But then the world carried on despite their belief because, a robin is just a robin and its presence was random, not the father’s spirit.

This is discomforting. This is hard for many of us to agree with. This is because it is human nature to try to find meaning in our lives. To believe that something is more than random.

I am a big believer in signs and purpose and patterns. But I am also realistic in knowing that signs aren’t put there by the universe, necessarily; but instead, I see signs because I want to see them. This doesn’t mean that the signs aren’t “real” per se. Because they are real for me, which means they do exist in my reality.

All we have is our own perspective, perception, and beliefs. Our reality is made up of what we believe in and how we choose to view the world.

So, is there real meaning in the world or meaning to our lives that are already set for us prior to our birth? Probably not, at least not according to Absurdism. But that doesn’t stop us as from seeking meaning and actually finding it for ourselves, our own needs, and our own lives.

I think that this is why many people love religion. They want to believe in something higher than themselves. To believe in a force, a God, or a pattern that is laid out for them, taking care of them, and means something more than what is.

We need to believe in things because the alternative is just too bleak at times.

So, in terms of identity, I think that who we are can directly correlate to our beliefs about meaning. What we tie meaning to, whether we believe in meaning at all, and if we give into the chaos or not.

Bringing it back to Freedom, if we are free to make choices and these choices determine who we are, that is a little daunting but also freeing. It means there’s nothing you’re meant to do, which can leave you feeling lost. But it also means you can do and be anything, which sounds great.

If we attach to the concept of The Absurd, then we realise that nothing actually matters. In Camus’s The Myth of Sisyphus, his conclusion to The Absurd is simple: Face the fact of the meaningless and absurd, but continue doing what you’re doing anyway. Keep rolling the boulder up the hill, even though you know it will roll back down again. Know the truth, but don’t let it destroy you.

What you decide to do with meaning will determine how you live your life and who you become. Distract yourself from the truth and you can feel lost or disappointed. End your life and, of course, there is no life. But rebellion, living despite the truth, is the strongest and best approach.

Use your freedom to choose to be who you want to be. Embrace and understand the absurdity, but use it to your advantage, not disadvantage. And find meaning where you can, but do not tie yourself too tightly to it; for as we’ve learned,  meaning can so easily be taken from us. Those who do attach to meaning may be the ones who fall more easily.

 

Existentialism

Finally, Existentialism! Existentialism is “a philosophical theory or approach which emphasizes the existence of the individual person as a free and responsible agent determining their own development through acts of the will.”

Existentialism is, I think, an umbrella concept that ties in parts of the others that I’ve already mentioned. I sort of see myself as an amateur existentialist because I think that yes, we are all free, and our choices dictate who we are and that only we can find meaning in our lives.

But through everything that has already been said, what part does meaning play in our lives and our identity?

Meaning is everything to us as thinking feeling beings. We need to know why we do what we do. Why we feel and think the things we do. And each of these are a sign of who we are, and a guide for what we do.

If I find meaning in my life from my loved ones and the lives I influence, then that guides my decisions. I won’t actively hurt people because of this. I will always try to help and understand people. I won’t ever be alone, not by choice. These things are choices, guides, beliefs, and who I am to my core.

I wasn’t born this way, but I’ve had the freedom to choose to become this way.

Every choice in my life has led to this and it all comes from a strong meaning I’ve found for myself.

 

Nihilism

Lastly, and quickly, there is Nihilism. This is the most depressing concept for it is “Most commonly presented in the form of existential nihilism, which argues that life is without objective meaning, purpose, or intrinsic value.”

Similar to the others, but this one is much more negative. It rejects all pursuits of meaning and purpose. That life doesn’t matter because nothing in it matters at all. Deeper still, it suggests that nothing in the world even truly exists.

I reject this concept.

The world is complicated. People are complicated. I think things exist, and they don’t. I think we have purpose and meaning, and we don’t. The only real truth that I have, in regards to all the concepts explored here, is that we can choose (Radical Freedom) to live meaninglessly, or we can choose to believe in something.

All we are is our choices, now that I do believe.

 

My Advice & Final Thoughts

Meaning can be found, and is appropriately placed, in our relationships with others. Do good and be good for others. Help to improve their lives in whatever way you can.

Life can be random and chaotic, but who’s to say that’s a bad thing? It means that the poor boy can become a millionaire through the random pickings of a lottery. It means a girl can find a newspaper on the floor advertising a job she didn’t even know she wanted. Randomness can be a comfort for those who feel lost.

Life gives and it takes. Things change. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder because we all see the world differently. And it is our choice to see it that way.

 

So, let’s answer our questions quickly:

What is the meaning of life? To find meaning in our lives.
Why do we do what we do? What we believe in, and where our meaning lies, will determine the choices we make.
How do our choices and beliefs influence one another and contribute to our identity (who we are)? We become the things that we do. We are all free to make choices, and those choices become our reality. Who we are is defined by our choices and beliefs. If we choose to attach meaning to something, that will shape our reality and keep feeding into who we are. If we believe in something, that will influence our decisions, our relationships, and our perspective of the world.

And so, if you want to know who you are; if you want some keen insights into your identity, then look closely at the choices you make, why you make them, and where you place or look for meaning in your life.

 

 

The Problem With The Millennial Generation

(I’m a millennial! I’m only 23! So what I say is coming from personal opinion, experience, and observations!)

 

Impatience

We think we don’t have time. We see everyone else’s lives in front of us and want to rush our own lives so that they stack up. Get money and status right now. Marriage and kids right now. House and savings now. Travel the world right now.

We have little sense of time and perspective. We know more is available to us now than there used to be for our parents, and so we want it all, and we want it now.

 

Entitlement

We believe that we are entitled to money, fame, or glory. We are entitled to our own opinions and shoving them in people’s faces. That we are entitled to the very best. And we’re entitled to getting that whenever we want it.

Of course, I believe that we deserve good things. That if you have a dream and you stick to it, then it should become a reality. But I think that we millennials (and younger) often think a little too much of ourselves. That we are just so perfect with our very little life experience *slaps forehead*; that we will gain so much in a short amount of time, with a small amount of work.

But of course, it doesn’t work that way. I believe that I will definitely become a best-selling author. I’ve never wavered from that dream and that belief. But I know that it could take me 5, 10, 20, even 30 years to get there.

I believe that I am going to get what I want, but it could take a very long time, a lot of sacrifices, a lot of patience, a lot of failures and pain along the way.

But many of us millennials don’t get that (or forget that). We believe we’re entitled to rewards for little effort. That we deserve praise and likes and followers for doing, well, nothing much.

 

F.O.M.O.

Due to the watchful world that we live in nowadays, we all have our lives on display (more on that later). This means that we all can’t help but peer into the lives of others with the simple act of scrolling.

I believe that social media has fuelled millennials’ desire to want more from life. To expect more from life. We see others travelling and so we want that for ourselves. We want to go everywhere, and no trip is good enough because there’s always another country we’ve yet to visit.

The same goes for everything else. Money, cars, houses, products, food experiences, tech, and more. We want more, we are never satisfied, and we’re always looking over the fence, thinking the grass is greener on the other side.

The Fear of Missing Out deprives us of gratitude, contentment and perspective. Back when you didn’t know much about other people’s lives (unless they told you directly), there was less FOMO and more appreciation for what you already had.

 

Self-Development Culture

Obviously, this may seem hypocritical for I am a voice in the Self-Development community, however, I think we need to be careful with this ideal.

As I mention in my Personal Development post, I think that the self-development culture can damage our mental health. When done wrong or taken too far, it can inspire dissatisfaction, always critiquing yourself, and trying to implement a bunch of “development” techniques into your life purely because someone else said it would make you and your life better.

This is a huge industry at the moment, often led by and influencing millennials. And I think it’s made worse when you see false promises from these influencers, like “30 Days to a New You” or “Make Money Fast From Your Side Hustle” or “How to Have It All“.

Some people buy into these “fast-track to success and happiness” schemes, but the truth is, as I mentioned before, our lives don’t change overnight. Rewards aren’t promised. Change isn’t easy and I think a lot of people forget that with development and growth, there is no end result.

Yes, you may be more satisfied with yourself and your life (I hope so!) but we are always growing, changing, learning, and to be honest, it is better to accept and practice adaption above all else. Work on yourself and your life, but not at the expense of contentment, self-love, and genuine motivation.

Don’t do things just, because an influencer told you to, if it doesn’t actually have a place in your life on a personal and authentic level.

My philosophy is this: with Self-Awareness, Self-Care, and Self-Validation, you will always grow, be content, and make choices that are true and important to you.

 

On Display

As I said, we are all on display all of the time with social media. Those who avoid it are likely to be more content and focused on their personal goals because there’s no comparison, FOMO, or distraction.

Without social media, we have no desire to puff ourselves up and make it look like our lives are just as great as the other accounts we follow.

Without social media, we have no ability to compare ourselves to that gorgeous person living that gorgeous life.

Without social media, our minds are clearer, we are more focused inwards, and we just get on with our lives.

Don’t get me wrong, I think social media does have a place in our world. It helps us connect, get amazing opportunities, and sometimes it can motivate us to strive for better. So, some millennials will thrive with it. But others, most definitely will not.

I also think it’s important to note that this world we live in now (more than ever) calls us to question who we are. Millennials are often getting stick for trying to define and redefine themselves in new ways. But we mustn’t forget that our world has blossomed and changed a lot in a short amount of time.

Exploring sexuality, gender identity, racial and cultural identity, social identity and more is now the norm, and rightly so. But it does cause a lot of us (myself included) to feel conflicted or confused about the big question: “Who am I?”

If we struggle with our identity (or spend longer exploring it) compared to generations before us, it can seem like we’re flaky, inauthentic, or downright ridiculous in the eyes of our elders. But in reality, it’s just self-expression and self-exploration unlike anyone has seen before.

 

Binge Culture

Again, this comes back to impatience. It’s no wonder we’re impatient, we live in the world of Netflix and binge-watching, where you can get endless shows and films at the click of a button. Everything is so easy nowadays. There’s always more. Endless options to choose from.

As amazing as that sounds, it’s also damaging to our beliefs. It causes us to believe that everyday life will be (or should be) just as fast, just as rewarding, just as easy. But it’s obviously not. And when it’s not, that’s a hard pill to swallow.

I’m not blaming Netflix for the flawed belief systems of the youth today. But the binge culture that we live in is, as I say, flawed. And so are we. It’s hard to put time and effort and a strong work ethic into a world that has otherwise been made so easy for us (by the older generations, let’s not forget!)

 

Intelligence

We are more intelligent than our parents. Not because our parents are dumb (obviously) but because we know more about the world than ever before now, and we have unlimited access to that information – whereas our parents did not at our age.

We are also more clued up and caring than the generations before us. We care about and understand the importance of equal rights, political correctness, and a good life for all.

Why is this a problem? Well, it’s not. It’s lovely. It’s amazing. But it’s also driving us, and others, a little cuckoo. Because it’s impossible to save everyone. Bringing it back to my first point, we want to save everyone but we want to save them NOW! When in reality, our movements may take a very long time to come into effect, and that’s deeply sad for most of us.

 

Summary

So, what is the “problem” with the millennial generation (my generation):

We want more
We want fast gratification
We’re exploring ourselves and our lives unlike ever before
We’re confused by a limitless world, often to the point of overwhelm and paralysis
We know so much that it can drive us up the wall
All of these things, the world we live in, the lives we lead, is confusing, limitless, and overwhelming to the point of anxiety and depression
We will be looked down on and judged by our elders because they haven’t had to live as we have. We are fixing the problems they caused, and our minds and views are more open than the older generations.

 

Did I miss anything? What do you think? Let me know in the comments below…

 

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The Problem with Happiness

The majority of us want one thing from our lives: to be happy. But I think we’ve got this wrong. We should aim for Contentment, not Happiness; because one is a position or status (contentment), while the other is just an emotion (happiness). And you can’t have one emotion forever.

The problem with happiness is that it is highly overrated; and rightly so, as it is one of the few “positive” emotions/feelings that we experience. Amongst love, excitement, fulfilment, curiosity, and acceptance, happiness is the King of the Positive Emotions. And the problem is: we all want it and we want it all the time.

Like Pixar’s Inside Out film suggests, we can’t expect to feel joy all of the time. Sometimes memories and experiences are mixed with sadness, anger, fear, and more.

The problem with our society is that we shy away from the other emotions. We focus on happiness. If we feel something aside from happiness, our instinct is to hide it, suppress it, or fix it.

I was feeling low the other day and I thought, urgh, if my family saw me like this they’d immediately try to fix it. Naturally, my family don’t want me to be sad so they’d try to make me happy.

But they shouldn’t.

It’s okay to be sad sometimes. To feel fear or anger or disgust or whatever else. They’re emotions too. On a regular basis, a number of emotions walk through our bodies and our minds and do their thing and that’s okay. We need to allow them to do their thing without judgement, force, or fear.

As long as you’re not depressed, feeling sad for a time is okay. It’s okay that I wanted to sit in that sadness for a moment to see what it meant and what it was saying to me.

And in Inside Out, characters Joy and Riley learn that sadness can lead to real connection, realisation, and truth while sometimes resulting in a feeling of happiness afterwards. Sadness is not the bad guy.

You will cause your own unhappiness by striving for happiness every day. By pushing away and judging the other emotions.

Life is about balance. Good and bad; light and dark. A balance of all the emotions.

Don’t be afraid of what you’re feeling. Don’t try to force yourself to be happy all the time, or judge yourself when you’re not. Trust and value the other emotions just as much, as they all have an important role to play in our lives.

 

*By the way, I urge everyone to watch Pixar’s Inside Out if you haven’t already. It beautifully sums up what I’m trying to say here.

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Don’t Worry If You’re Not An Expert

In life, I think we all want to be considered to be an expert. Consciously or not, achieving Expert status is a goal we all seek because it means we’re validated, important, and knowledgable. Sounds great, right?

Well, here’s why I think being an expert can be a bad thing at times…

 

Perfectionism

If you are an expert, then you will always try to aim for perfection. You will think a lot of yourself, and others will think a lot of you, too. This is wonderful, but at the same time, it can be paralysing.

Why? Because fear will set in. The fear of falling short. The fear of having your expert status called into question. Fear that you don’t know quite as much as you thought you did.

Let’s not confuse expert with professional, though. I think a lot of people are professionals in their chosen field, from skateboarding to philosophy. But being an expert in that field seems less…open, to me. It’s less, giving, there’s less room for more…which I’ll explain further later on.

 

Criticism

If you’re an expert, you’re open to a lot more criticism. When someone is starting out or at least doesn’t brand themselves as an expert, there’s room for leniency. “It’s ok, they’re not an expert” and so people judge you less critically.

However, being an expert, and being known as such, means you can’t get away with mistakes or flaws as much others can. Because, well, you should know better!

I think this is why so many people have gone crazy about J.K. Rowling’s latest venture: The Fantastic Beasts series. They now expect so much from her, that any flaw is blown out of proportion because they expected more. It’s tough being the Queen of Fantasy, and heavy is the head that bears the crown.

An amateur writer, or at least someone who’s not seen as an expert yet, would be able to get away with what Rowling has done. People would be less critical.

 

Comparisons

When you are an expert, people compare you to other experts. It’s easy for the entire world to compare the works of “expert” (highly regarded) authors, for example. We compare these texts in school. However, this is done less often with amateur or intermediate authors.

As an expert, you’re in the spotlight. People care about your work and come at it with their eyes peeled. They will compare it to others, tear it apart, and question you at every stage.

Being an expert is amazing. It’s a grand achievement to have people care so much about what you do. But it’s also very difficult to deal with on a regular basis.

 

Unwavering rule-following

I think that being an expert can mean you stick to the rules more than those who are still learning. This is why some companies like hiring people with little real-life experience; it means they can then mould these individuals into the kind of employee that they want.

If you’re an expert, though, you’re sort of set in your ways. You know all there is to know. You have a way that you do things. You know the rules, and more often than not, you stick to them.

Of course, I can’t overgeneralise to all fields or things in life. However, say someone considers themselves to be an expert novelist. They’ve studied, practised, and got it down to a tee. This means that every time they come to face a blank page, they have a structured way of tackling it. They have a method and have become a well-oiled machine in getting words to paper.

But for me, that steals away from the creativity. There needs to be a certain amount of letting go of the wheel and letting the story tell itself. If you are an expert, this can be hard because you know that there needs to be a structure, theme, character Arc, and this and that; then trying to adhere to all that can stifle the creative process.

Being an expert means you know the rules and oftentimes, you follow every word. Not being an expert may mean you know fewer rules; but it definitely helps you to be more openminded, creatively free, and able to make your own rules.

 

Closed mindset

When you’re an expert, you know what you know and it’s hard for anyone to convince you otherwise. Experts know what works and what has been done for years, and they often stick to it. This is not to say that experts never try new things, but I do think that they are less likely to try new things than novices or intermediates.

For example, someone who is just learning about psychological or philosophical theories would probably be more open to ideas and exploration. Their arguments, ideas, or critiques would come from a place of curiosity, personal experience, or reasoning. On the other hand, the expert in these fields would likely have arguments based on past study. They will draw their argument from theories from this person or that experiment. Their ideas are less their own.

Again, I’m not saying experts don’t entertain new ideas or have creativity. Instead, I believe they would find it harder to think outside of the neat box of knowledge that they already have (which has worked for them flawlessly for years).

 

Perhaps all this is just my way of making it OK that I’m not an expert at anything! But I do see the comfort and upsides to being less than an expert. So, if you’re not an expert, don’t worry. It’s probably for the best! The pressure is off, you have more freedom, and you can be more You.