S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 70

Why You Can’t Write The Book

Are you writing a book but you find that you’re not actually writing it? Like you have the idea, you’ve started it, but every time you come to the screen or the notepad, the words just won’t come? If so, I might know why…

 

Nothing going on

When the book is all you have to do, the pressure is too much or you can become bored with it. I’ve felt this way recently.

When you have no other work to do or places to go, the book becomes sort of like a responsibility. It’s less fun, less creative, and more “I have to do this” because there’s no excuse not to.

I believe that creativity can’t be, and perhaps shouldn’t be, forced. That you can’t sit down at the computer and be like “okay creativity, let’s go!” It doesn’t work that way.

Instead, writing a book takes discipline. It means bringing yourself to the page even when creativity isn’t there; even when the excitement isn’t there. It’ll come and go, and that’s okay; the first draft just needs to come and flow when it can or be pushed and prodded in the other times.

It’s not all sunshine and rainbows.

My advice for people who have nothing else to do but write the book is: do something else! You, the creativity, the book just can’t hack the pressure. Try to mix other things into your day so that you’ll actually want to write again when the time comes.

 

Priorities

Maybe you’re doing too many other things and it’s last of your priorities. Opposite to the first point is the times in life when you’re actually too busy. Your to-do list is long and time and again, your book is at the bottom of your priorities.

This happens. Life happens. However, if you really want this book to be written and get out there, then you need to rethink your priorities. What are you doing that is taking time away from the book? Is it the right thing to be doing? Can you find time somewhere else? Lunch breaks, commuting, instead of watching Netflix?

At the end of the day, if you really want to write this book then you will make time. It may be easy for me to say as someone with little other responsibilities. But there are authors who had full-time jobs and children but still wrote their book. There are authors who used to work multiple jobs and care for their families while writing their book.

It may take longer, and it may drain you, but if you want this, you have to ask yourself if you’re willing to make the sacrifices necessary to get it done. If not, maybe it’s time to set the book aside.

A key piece of advice that I would give is to set boundaries in your life, or to set timeslots that are for writing which are non-negotiable. Tell your family when they are bugging you to back off for an hour and bug your partner or play amongst themselves for that time. It doesn’t make you a bad mother, father, sister, brother, daughter, son (etc.) to do this!

Ask for help and support from loved ones so that you are less busy with menial tasks. Learn to say no, and put the book first (or second, or third, but definitely not last).

*DO NOT PUSH YOURSELF TO THE POINT OF ILLNESS. IF YOU NEED A BREAK, TAKE IT. I’M JUST SAYING, DON’T CHOOSE TO DO THE DISHES WHEN SOMEONE ELSE CAN DO THEM FOR YOU WHILE YOU DO SOME WRITING INSTEAD!*

 

Emotional connection

Another reason could be that you don’t actually have any emotional ties to the narrative or the characters. Some people get ideas and just start working with them without actually caring about the idea on a personal level.

I’ve found that ideas that I’ve forced aren’t the ones that get completed. Ones where I don’t feel a connection to what the character is going through or the narrative itself means I don’t care to even write it at the end of the day.

In the early stages, I may be excited because it’s a cool concept, but without any emotional ties, it makes it hard to stick to the project.

So ask yourself, why are you even trying to write this book? Do you care about it? Do you feel anything from the narrative or the character’s journey? If not, maybe it’s not the book you should actually be writing.

Another thing to consider is if the book even excites you at all. If it doesn’t excite you, it won’t excite a reader. If it doesn’t excite you, you’re not going to sit down to write it when you’re tired. You won’t have the discipline to stick with it.

 

Second book

Sometimes it’s because it’s the second book you’ve ever written and we all know that the second book is harder than the first. If you published the first, then the pressure is even worse.

This is because the pressure is turned up to the max. People read your first book and perhaps they loved it, so now you feel pressured to make the second book just as good.

Even if you didn’t publish the first book, the pressure can still be there in your mind. You want it to stack up to or be better than the first. Maybe it’s a sequel and so everything you set up in the first needs to be built on in the second. You don’t want to miss any detail or let anyone down. And so the pressure is so bad that you’re paralysed and it doesn’t get written.

The only advice I can give here is to breathe. To try to reignite your love for this story. To focus solely on the narrative and the characters and try to put the idea of publishing and audience and structure aside. Just get the first draft (the messy first draft) written and then worry about the rest afterwards.

 

Perfectionism

A big pitfall for first-time novelists is trying to achieve perfection. The short of it is: perfection doesn’t exist. Your book will never be perfect, and the first draft 100% will not be. If you ever want to write this book, you have to allow it (and yourself) to be imperfect. You need to tell yourself that perfection is just the lie you tell yourself in order to procrastinate or self-sabotage.

Perfection (along with procrastination and self-sabotage) comes from a place of fear. And it’s OK to be afraid of what the book may mean for you. It’s exciting and scary stuff, writing a book! You’re allowed to be afraid, but you have to do it anyway.

So, stop telling yourself that the chapter isn’t good enough, and so you “must keep rewriting it or editing it.” Move on. Let the first draft be rough. It’s going to be nothing compared to the end result. A team of expert editors will work on it when you’re on the publishing road, so just do your part by getting it written first.

 

Structure and story

Lastly, maybe you don’t know what writing a book involves. You can totally write it however you like, but there’s one thing you need for sure: a beginning, middle, end. You need to know, at least vaguely, where the book is going.

If you don’t know what book you’re writing, then it is going to be difficult to write it. Being blind to genre, audience, plot, character development, messages and morals and themes, and more means your book isn’t a book…it’s just an idea.

Having an idea is, of course, the starting point of a story which then becomes a book; but don’t expect it to get written if all you have is “it’s about a girl who moves to Africa.”

Okay, great, so what? What happens? Why does she go? What’s her motivation? What does she need to learn on the way to help her grow as a person? What is the actual story here?

When you can answer these questions, it gives you a real story to tell. It’ll probably give you emotional ties too, which, as I mentioned before, helps you to write it. And then it will also give you an idea about structure.

This isn’t a Plotting versus Winging-It conversation. I think you can do whatever works for you. However, you do need to know the story you want to tell. Why you’re telling it. And who it’s actually about. And then you can fill in the detail around that as you go or plot it out however you like.

 

There you have it. These are some reasons why you might not be writing that book that you want to write. If you’re feeling stuck, don’t give up. Don’t beat yourself up; we all get stuck. Follow my advice or start to ask yourself some big questions, and it will help you to get back on track.

Good luck.

5 Things NOT to Say to Someone in a Rut

What have you done today?

You may think that you’re being kind and asking about their day, but the phrasing of this is important to note.

You’re not asking how their day was or if they’re okay, you’re asking what they’re done. This then brings about some reactions:

I must think of something productive or good that I did to show them
They’re pressuring me, I’m letting them down
They know I did nothing and I’m a failure

Asking what they did makes them feel ashamed. They feel like you’re expecting a lot that they aren’t giving to you right now.

Being in a rut means you’re questioning yourself and what you’re doing; that’s a time of indecision, fear, hopelessness, and depression. So, don’t expect or force them to be this productivity machine.

 

Have you found a new job yet?

Again, this is pressure! Of course, not all those in a rut are there because of job or career related reasons but it often is.

Asking if they’re found a job yet, found a new one, or found clients or basically “money” yet is just pressure and anxiety that they don’t need right now.

Yes, when you’re in a rut, there needs to be a certain amount of pressure and you need to be held accountable so that you don’t stay there forever.

But trust me, that person who’s in the rut probably questions and beats themselves up everyday. They don’t need you to do it, too, even without you realising you’re doing it.

 

Stop moaning

When your friend or family member is going through a tough time, do me a favour and don’t take away from their experience. Don’t tell them that their problems are small. Don’t silence them.

Problems and personal struggles are, well, personal. We are the only ones who feel our personal pain. So don’t tell someone that they should stop moaning and just be happy.

You can encourage them to be grateful, switch their perspective, or see the good in their lives, but never tell them to stop moaning/stop being in pain.

 

That happened to me

A lot of people have a tendency to turn someone else’s problems into a story about their own.

Your cat died? I remember when my cat died, I was so sad, he ran away and we searched for months and then finally found out that he’d died and it tore me apart.

It’s very common for us to have shared experiences or emotions, after all, we’re all human. However, there’s a difference between empathy and making it all about you.

If you’re doing most of the talking, then something is wrong. This is about your friend or your loved one. Let them have the space to open up, ask for help, or whatever else they need.

You can say that you understand or that you’ve been through something similar. But don’t dive into your own story and feelings without being asked to. Don’t divert the conversation. Don’t make yourself the victim.

 

It’ll be fine

A common response to someone who’s struggling is “you’ll be fine” or “it’ll be fine.” This usually comes from someone who has no idea how it feels to be where you are.

Yeah, things should be fine in the end. Yes, my life will change. But don’t say that. It just dismisses how I feel. It kind of feels like blind optimism. The future may be brighter, but I’m in the present and it doesn’t feel too good right now.

Instead, say it’s okay. It’s okay that you’re in a rut. It’s okay that not everything is going according to plan. It’s okay and I’m here.

Decisions Are Hurting Our Health

There’s never been so much choice than there is today and I believe that this is one of the leading causes in our society’s mental health decline.

We have never had so much choice on careers, with university being more easily accessible, new jobs being created, being able to travel and work abroad, and being able to work from anywhere. Back in the day, there was no such thing as working from home! And there has never been so many entrepreneurs than there is today in the online world. There are a plethora of courses to study, jobs to work, and career paths to take that didn’t even exist 20 years ago.

The same goes for relationships. We used to only really be able to date and marry those in our city! People didn’t often travel and there was no way to communicate with people all over the world like there is today. This opens us up to a plethora of dating opportunities. A plethora of decisions to make regularly.

Similarly, the same goes for marriage and kids. In the past, it was a given. There wasn’t really a choice. With advances in contraception and abortion clinics and adoption and surrogacy, there has never been so many options in terms of family life than there is now.

There’s millions more hobbies and opportunities to live your life however you can dream it to be. In the past, life looked the same for most people. School, work a simple job (probably the one your parents did), get married, have kids, retire, die.

But not anymore.

I think this is driving us up the wall. It’s hurting us. Having so many options creates indecision, overwhelm, and FOMO (fear of missing out).

Should I do this thing or that thing or that other thing? What if I make the wrong choice? What if I waste my time? What are other people doing? Should I go here or go there? What’s best for me? What will make me happy? What the frick do I do?!

It’s stressful. It’s tiring. If you think back to the last big life decision that you made, I bet you remember it feeling pretty shoddy. You worried that you would make the wrong decision and end up ruining things.

With so many options these days, there’s a lot to agonise over without even realising it. Committing to one thing is a lot harder to do than it was in the past. Having to choose between two things is a lot easier than choosing between ten, twenty, or a hundred.

Picture an aisle of sauces in a shop. If it’s a choice between only two brands, you can just pick one and it’s a 50/50 chance of being the better choice. But if there are ten different sauces, the decision takes longer and begins to mean more.

This is what our world today is doing to us on a daily basis. It brings into question what does my heart want, my head want, my gut, my soul…but then there’s parents, finances, growth, wanting change, needing change, doing what others are doing, and wanting to live your best life.

Wanting to live your best life in this world means going through endless torture in the form of decisions. And it’s truly sad and scary. More options is not always a good thing. Indecision is a horrid place to be.

 

How can we avoid this?

Know yourself : if you know what you want and who you are, it will make decisions easier and you’ll be less distracted by everything else.
Stop looking : people are always looking around at what others are doing. Stop looking around and keep looking within.
Don’t make small decisions into big ones
Trust yourself
Don’t worry, you can change your mind or do something else later, but once you’ve decided, give it your all and give it a chance to work
Don’t make decisions based on what others say or influence
Don’t make decisions from a place of fear or scarcity
Get quiet, let the answers come to you
Be logical but also follow your heart when necessary/appropriate

 

Don’t let decisions bring you down. Don’t let them drive you insane. You got this. If you know who you are and what you want, then you will make the right decisions for the life you personally want to live. Trust in that.

Take care.

Why I Write Books: World Book Day Inspired

Know myself

A lot of people become writers because they’re avid readers first. Not me. I only became a big reader later in life. I read when I was younger, but not much. I’m actually ashamed of how little my have-read pile is compared to the must-read pile.

I love TV and film and I know more about these than the book world (at times), and so people probably think, “Why write books, why not write for TV or film?” Firstly, I do think I could in the future (maybe); like J.K. Rowling has started to now. But ultimately, books are less restrictive. They can be as personal as you want. It’s completely yours.

That’s ideal for me as I feel, like I say, a personal connection to my writing. I don’t write to be funny or to just create cool worlds. Instead, it’s to connect. To feel. To put who I am in my work and find who I am in there, too, among everything else.

 

Understand the world

Alongside trying to explore and know myself, I get to use my books as a way to explore and know the world. What it is, who we are, and what it can be with changes. I love creating worlds and the people in it, and seeing what it would mean if X, Y, and Z came together.

Playing with narratives, lives, and societies is just so fascinating. There’s no greater job in the world!

 

Create new worlds

As I said, I love creating new worlds. I love exploring how it can work, what message it sends, and how the characters relate to the world. Developing magic systems, ecosystems, creatures, landscapes, values and ideals, and all that goes into worldbuilding is enthralling. It’s so fun to dive in and find what it can be and to see what manifests all on its own.

Not to be blasphemous, but it’s nothing short of god-like.

 

Adventures

There is nothing better than exploring what you can put a character (a person) through. That sounds kind of mean, I know, but it’s very intriguing to see how a character can prevail on all kinds of adventures: personal/ internal or external and life-threatening. Be it fantasy or otherwise, I love the adventure concept and exploring it in new ways; always on a deeper level.

 

Escapism

I’m not going to lie, I enjoy how it feels to escape into new worlds, other people’s lives, and different narratives. It gives me a chance to be someone else, do something else, and be somewhere else. It’s not that my life is awful and I never want to be in it; it’s just we all have times when we’d rather be someone else or be somewhere else.

As a writer (and a reader), I get to wear many skins, live many lives, and play around with different worlds whenever I so desire.

 

Happy fun times

It’s not all about the deep, profound meaning behind my writing. Sometimes, it’s just fun! It’s just about happy, fun times. About craziness, silliness, romance, kids being kids, teens being teens, adults channelling their inner child; all of it is just so enjoyable.

Creativity is supposed to be fun, at the end of the day. When being a creative is also your “job” it can become more serious and stressful, but you should never lose the fun.

 

I love stories

My published works may be fantasy books and one self-help book, but what you don’t know is that I have written many other stories and books in other genres. I’ve written stories that are for children, teens, and adults; fantasies, horror, contemporary, romance, philosophy, drama; long, short, medium. I’ve explored many!

I hope to never define myself or box myself into one category. I know some people think it’s better for your career to stick to one genre or medium, but screw that! I have loads of ideas, characters, stories, emotions, and interests that I want to explore. I don’t want to limit myself.

I’d hate to only ever write fantasy books when I could be a master at something else! You never know unless you try. I never want to be afraid to tell new stories and in new ways. If I can live a life where that’s what I do the majority of the time, that’s my dream realised.

For now, though, books are my foundations, my spirit, my entryway into the world of storytelling.

 

Inspire & educate

The last reason I write books is to help others. To inspire and educate other people. I believe that every writer will, consciously or not, inspire and educate their audience in some way. I’m definitely one of those writers who is consciously trying to do this. I want my words to truly mean something to them.

I won’t pretend that I’m the best at it, though! I’ve still got a lot to learn (writers are always learning and growing after all). Getting the balance between being too preachy, and getting the message across correctly can be difficult. But I aim to master it in my lifetime.

 

There you have it, that’s why I write books. I will always, I believe, write books. Even if I’m doing something else, I will always write books on the side. They just call to me so loudly that I can’t ignore them. And I don’t want to! Books are, as they say, a source of magic. And those who write them, they’re real-life wizards.

 

International Women’s Day: My Top Inspirational Women

Here is my list of incredible women who have inspired and impressed me personally:

Oprah
J.K. Rowling
Emma Watson
Maya Angelou
Michelle Obama
Angie Thomas
Elizabeth Gilbert
Ellen DeGeneres
Laverne Cox
Reni Eddo-Lodge
Malala Yousafzai
Ellen Page
Serena Williams
Reese Witherspoon
Beyonce
Zendaya Coleman
Tahereh Mafi
Charline Theron
Lady Gaga
Tomi Adeyemi
Natalie Portman

And of course the personal ones: My mom, nan, sister, friend and fellow writer Charlene, and more!

World Book Day: 15 Mental Health Reads

These are books that I’ve read or want to read that relate to mental health or bettering your life (and in turn your mental health)…

*Warning, some of these books may deal with heavy subject matter*

Reasons to Stay Alive
Notes on a Nervous Planet
It’s Kind of a Funny Story
Turtles All The Way Down
All The Bright Places
Perks of Being A Wallflower
The Power of Now
The Silver Linings Playbook
Hyperbole and a Half
The Bell Jar
Happy (by Fearne Cotton)
Furiously Happy
Looking for Alaska
Mad Girl
Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine

Please comment with your mental health related book recommendations.

World Book Day: My Favourite Reads

Here is a list of some of my favourite books (by no means an exhaustive list!):

Harry Potter series
Big Magic
Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race
Percy Jackson series
What I Know For Sure
Heroes of Olympus series
The Hate U Give
Children of Blood and Bone
Becoming
Mom & Me & Mom
The Little Prince
I Can’t Make This Up
Yes Please
Alice in Wonderland
Paper Towns
The Alchemist
Furthermore
Looking for Alaska
Eat, Pray, Love
The Fault in Our Stars

University Mental Health Day: My Uni Story

I have a complicated relationship with university as an idea, experience, and form of education alongside a place of growth. I always thought I’d go to university, do really well, make interesting new friends, and go on to become a successful author among other things.

But the universe had a different plan for me. When I attended university the first time, I chose to live away from home on campus and study Psychology and English combined honours. Long story short, after only 4 days, I found myself retreating back home.

Anxiety had taken over and consumed the whole experience. I felt worse than I ever had before. Of course, I wanted to stay. I wanted to push past it. I wanted to start a new life. And I wanted to make my mom proud. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t stay. And all of a sudden, my plan and my dreams were knocked off balance.

 

After a year of depression, anxiety, and finding my feet in my first job, I did return to university, but this time I stayed at home. I chose to study Psychology with Criminology (yeah, I don’t really know why I chose that and not English and Creative Writing, either). I was finally putting my life back on track; finally getting the dream.

Except, it wasn’t everything I wanted it to be. I had no real friends, I was bored on the course, and I felt just out of place. It didn’t feel right. Upon completing my exams, I dropped out after that first year. And so, I only have a Certificate of Higher Education, not a full Bachelor’s Degree.

 

For a long time, and even at low points to this day, I believed that I was less-than because of my lack of a degree. That society looked down on me for it. I doubt my intellect and potential because I don’t have a higher form of formal education.

But the funny (not so funny) thing is, I know this is absolutely ridiculous. Not because many successful people are college dropouts like myself. No, it’s because I know that education comes from more places than one. Real intellect is not defined by grades or a piece of paper that says, “I stayed in an institution and did what I was told for at least 3 years.”

I don’t mean that to sound like I think those who do complete university are less or bad or all the same. Not at all! Otherwise, I’d never compare myself to them and make myself feel bad for not having a degree. Instead, I mean that those who are self-taught, self-motivated, who question things, who are curious, who try new things, speak to new people, travel the world, and never stop reading are more likely to gain a diverse and rich education and intellect.

And therefore, I must keep reminding myself that education is all around me. Information is at our fingertips; there is no excuse for ignorance. One person’s worth is not defined by a degree or the lack of one. Life, education, intellect, it’s all much more complicated and beautiful than that. Anyone who can’t see that is the real unintelligent one!

 

So as I said, I have a complicated relationship with university as an idea and an institution. I felt out of place and unhappy there. It wasn’t for me, yet for most of my life (like most people) it was pushed onto me as the must do thing for success. And I think that’s part of the problem. I (like many others) have been conditioned to believe that I am not as good, or as likely to be successful, or as hire-able, because I don’t have a university education.

 

Want to know what I believe? University is for these people:

Those seeking a social experience (partying, living away from home, new friends, sexual experiences, etc.)
Those wanting/needing independence away from their home
Those seeking a job that needs a degree: Lawyer, Doctor, Teacher, Accountant, that kind of thing
Personal growth i.e. find yourself, meet new people, mix with cultures, develop in a subject area of keen interest

 

Who it’s not for and reasons that are not good enough for you to go:

Not knowing what else to do
Peer pressure or pressure from parents
Following your friends/ conformity
Fear
“I want to know more about X, Y, Z“

I want to be an author, so I don’t need a degree to do that. I have social anxiety and I’m introverted, so the social aspect doesn’t appeal much either. I love personal growth but the university didn’t give the space I needed for that. And I didn’t want to go just because my friends did, just because school pushed me to, or just because my older family members encouraged it.

The last reason that has made me reconsider since I dropped out was fear/not knowing what else to do. And as I say, that’s not a good enough reason.

 

To conclude, I want you to know that if you’re considering univeristy, or you’re already there and it doesn’t feel right, that’s okay. It’s okay to not want to go or to want to go. Your life will not be doomed if you don’t. I’ve been employed as a writer without a degree. I’ve written books, blog posts, articles, interviews, short stories, scripts, and poetry without going to university to learn how.

I know the fundamentals, and so as a writer, the only way to get better is to keep practising, keep sharing to get feedback and keep reading – that’s all!

You can teach yourself whatever you want to know. There are a plethora of other ways to get an education: online courses, local classes, short courses at institutions, books, museums, travel, other people, documentaries, GOOGLE(!), journals, libraries, and more.

Remember, not everything works for everyone. Not everyone learns or grows in the same way or in the same environment. I know I didn’t. University is sort of romanticised on television because American universities are different. I’d probably enjoy uni in America a little more because at least I could take a variety of classes! But even so, like I say, my reasons for being there, my choices, my social experiences just weren’t right.

But, I’ll never say never.

 

Final word: Make sure your reasons for going are authentic because it’s not easy; the stress and pressure on your mental health isn’t worth it for something that doesn’t have real meaning to you.

GUEST POST: 5 things my depression taught me

Hi, my name is Hannah from the Wellbean blog.

When I was younger, the word depression didn’t ever enter my vocabulary. No-one I knew suffered from depression and it just wasn’t something people spoke about (well, in my small part of the world anyway).

 

I was 20 when I had my first major breakdown. I knew I was feeling down but I didn’t know I was depressed until I was standing on the edge of a bridge.

 

I spent the majority of my life up until that very moment being a massive worrier. My mum always used to say I could worry my way out of a cardboard box. I never really knew what she meant, but what I did know was that I would worry about literally everything and I would go through months at a time feeling really down, but what I didn’t know was that this was actually called anxiety and I didn’t know that what I was feeling was…well… depressed.

 

I could look back on these days with great sorrow, but I choose not to see them this way; I choose to see them as life lessons. I’d like to share five things that having depression taught me.

 

1 – Freedom

Not being afraid of death taught me to live again. I began doing all the things I wanted to do without fear, I felt free.

 

I had a pivotal moment in therapy, where I realised this. It was a hallelujah kind of experience. I’d always wanted to work abroad, so that night I went home and applied for a job in France. I was successful in my application and three weeks later I travelled to France for the summer of a lifetime.

2 – It’s OK not to be OK

Depression taught me that I was allowed to be depressed, without shame. Accepting this and not fighting against it aided my recovery. The more I resisted my feelings the more distressed I became. I spent an entire three months watching Grey’s Anatomy back-to-back and rarely left the house because I didn’t feel like it, and that was OK for me at that period of my life.

 

3 – Coping mechanisms

Having depression taught me how to deal with being depressed in the future. The warning signs were there: I was overworked, stressed, drinking too much, not sleeping, but yet I ignored the warnings. In the future, I now know I need to take time out. I know that it’s OK to take time to look after yourself. Sometimes the step back gives you the distance you need to regroup and get yourself together. There’s nothing wrong with doing this.

 

4 – True friends

When you’re going through the worst time in your life, you realise who your good friends are. Unfortunately, you can realise who’s not your real friends, which can sting, but it’s an important transition in your life. The important people stick through the good and bad times in your life. They aren’t judgemental about your mental state.

 

5 – Gratitude

I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the people I have in my life. I honestly have some amazing people around me, they are my support network and I love them to pieces. I feel so grateful every day of my life now, whereas before I think I took these people for granted.

 

The biggest bit of advice I could give you if you are suffering with your mental health is to let someone know; you don’t have to tell everyone, just confide in someone. There are loads of support services out there and you can get help. I overcame depression, and so can you.

 

If you like to check out my blog and social media channels please follow the links below:

Blog: www.wellbeanblog.com

Email: hannah@wellbeanblog.com

Facebook: www.facebook.com/wellbeanblog/

Instagram: www.instagram.com/wellbeanblog/

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How therapy changed my life

Self-awareness

The first thing that therapy did was help me to begin understanding myself and my disorders. Having anxiety or depression and not knowing what it is or what it means is very difficult. However, once you’re diagnosed and taught what it means, it makes things a little easier.

You can know yourself, see the warning signs and symptoms for what it is, and understand that you’re not crazy.

This is necessary for acceptance and growth and happiness despite the disorders.

I truly believe that self-awareness is at the heart of all happiness and success. For with self-awareness, you can recognise what you’re doing and feeling and why. Then you can do something about it.

Perspective

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy helped me to understand perspective. To understand that my perspective can be tainted by my disorders at times. That there is nearly always another way to look at things.

It helped me to trust in a journal and thought challenging. That this is a great way to gain perspective and change my thinking to feel relief.

At the end of the day, anxiety and depression (among other mental disorders and illnesses) makes you believe things that aren’t true and/or warps your thinking. That’s why therapy helped me, it thought me in the beginning stages how to change my thinking, if only momentarily.

Questioning thoughts

As I briefly said before, therapy helped me to challenge my thoughts. I now know, after a long time, not every thought is real or worth my time and attention.

I can now dismiss thoughts, challenge them, change them, and ultimately just question them in ways I couldn’t before. This took time and practice and I’m not perfect at it, but this journey all started with therapy.

Trust in myself

Oddly enough, I trust myself to look after myself because of therapy. Unlike some people, I’m very lucky to have a supportive and mostly understanding family system. However, a therapist helped me in ways that they couldn’t.

You see, a therapist is impartial. They have no emotional attachment to you. No obligation to “save you” like your family wants to. They have no judgement. And so, learning about myself and talking through issues and deep-rooted beliefs with this kind of person, helped me to help myself.

In the UK, therapists are there to teach you how to help yourself. So now, I have the tools and understanding to help myself and yes, over the years, it’s become something I had to help others, too.

I trust myself, if only a little, to get better when I’m low.

 

These are the main ways in which therapy has helped me. I’ve seen 3-4 therapists in my short life (I think) starting from 16 years old. And I don’t regret it. I’m not ashamed of it. And I do encourage it.

Not everyone gets great therapists like I did, and our system needs more funding and support so that more people have access to it, but don’t dismiss the importance of therapy. It might just change your life.

Therapy, counselling, psychology, it’s not all crap. It’s not just you on a couch talking about your problems, at least not in my experience! Not at all. So, let go of Freudian ideas and get the help you need to change your life and your relationship with your illness/problems.

A therapist didn’t fix me, heal me, or even change me on a large scale. But they were a vital part of my recovery, understanding, resilience, knowledge, and self-support.

And I want that for you, too.