S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 73

Rethinking the Strong Female Character

It is great that nowadays we are seeing more female heroes in books, film, and TV. However, I don’t think (and many agree) that the strong female character is actually doing what it’s supposed to do.

Let me explain.

A strong female character is supposed to show young girls, and even women, that they can be strong, they can be the hero of a story, and they can do whatever they put their minds to.

On the other hand, many “strong female characters” aren’t quite getting the point across. Instead, they are taking females and making them…robotic.

Again, I’ll explain.

Firstly, I want it known that what I say in this post can relate to females, males, or other; I’m just concentrating on females because the strong female is more of a “thing” now.

Secondly, somehow some writers got this idea in their head that in order to be “strong”, a person (character) must not feel things; like anything at all. Or, if they do, they dismiss it. They become almost emotionless as if being strong means never crying or caring about things. Ridiculous, right? Instead, it is those girls who let tears roll down their cheeks with laboured breath and gritted teeth, letting the emotions heal and give perspective and truth that are the truly strong ones, to me.

Another problem is that some writers think that “strong” means loud, too. As if no quiet girl could be considered a strong heroine. Or if they are quiet, then they are the emotionless, hates-humanity, just punches-and-kills-for-sport type. The mysterious dark heroine who doesn’t feel anything which is somehow sexy and admirable. *slaps forehead*

For many, the strong female character means the girl who has the sword and runs headfirst into fights and stands tall and speaks her mind, right? But is this really what we want to be teaching our daughters? That this is the only way to be strong.

For me, we need to think about bravery versus confidence. The confident strong girl would run headfirst into battle time and again. But what about the brave strong girls? The ones who are scared of battle, unsure of themselves, and thinks before acting…but does what needs to be done anyway? Isn’t that a stronger message? Isn’t that ultimately a much stronger person; someone who’s afraid and perhaps not physically capable but braves the unknown?

Strength is in overcoming obstacles, setbacks, doubts, and fears – not in never being afraid at all in the first place. Not outer strength, like who can lift the most; but inner strength, like who can withstand the most.

Don’t think that a strong female or hero needs to look any particular way, either. They can wear the dress, or not. They can be of any ethnicity, creed, age, or culture. They can like whatever the hell they want to, be that ballet or poetry or martial arts. Don’t be narrow-minded.

A strong girl/woman isn’t defined by what they like or how they look. It’s their abilities; their mental strength, that matters most. It’s not about being the character with the most badass powers and mightiest fist.

Writers need to really consider progression; character development. It is much better writing (in my opinion) for us the reader to be taken on a journey where we see the character getting stronger mentally. How their confidence grows. How overcoming struggles develops their character, mindset, abilities, relationships, and more. They needn’t be weak at the beginning, though; because as I say, strength is in fighting the fight in the first place, not how well you do it.

 

How to write strong female characters:

Show character development; show how their beliefs and perspectives are changed by their journey through the plot
Have them cry and doubt and fear and fret, but do things anyway!
Don’t have her rely (too heavily) on her love interest/partner, older characters or authority figures, or the patriach in general!
Girl power! Females being awesome, supportive friends to other females
Don’t put them in trousers and combat boots all the time! Strong girls wear dresses, too
Have the girl fall for the girl
Remember there’s a difference between whining and complaining, and genuine worry and doubt; getting this right in your character is important to how they are perceived
Have her be: logical, analytical, brave instead of confident, resilient, caring, protective, honourable, respectful, fair, and honest.
Diversity!
Draw inspiration from real-life girls and women that you admire
Have her be real: real people have disabilities (mental or physical), hindrances, flaws, mistakes, poor choices, and the like but they shouldn’t be defined by these things
Make sure she trusts herself; she can doubt and worry but at the end of the day, a strong girl/woman will trust herself, trust her gut
Remember this can be shown in all kinds of characters, in all kinds of books. There’s mothers, grandmothers, teenagers, little girls, all cultures and races and sexualities and abilities; romances, dystopians, fantasies, horrors, contemporaries, thrillers, dramas, action adventures, and more.

Try to really think about your heroine and how they will be perceived by a perhaps younger and more susceptible audience. Are you sending the right messages? Is your character truly strong, or are they almost inhuman and unrealistic? Think about it, and create strong female characters – for real!

Why Our Society Needs Meditative Practices

Many people turn their noses up whenever someone mentions yoga or meditation. They feel that it is “not for them” even though they’ve never really tried it, or brush it off as hippie-dippie mumbo jumbo.

Well, I’m here to try to convince the naysayers that meditative practices have a place in the Western world, and how we might be the ones who need them the most…

*Definition of meditative: “relating to or absorbed in meditation or considered thought.”

Synonyms for meditation: 

contemplation, thought, musing, pondering, consideration, reflection, prayer, deliberation, study, rumination, cogitation, brooding, mulling over, reverie, and concentration.

Meditative practices (according to me):

Yoga (of any kind, as there are many methods)
Meditation (of any kind, as there are many methods)
Mindfulness (of any kind, as there are many methods)
Journalling (of any kind)
Breathing exercises (of any kind)
Stretching (of any kind)
Mantras and affirmations (of any kind)
Walking (without a destination, goal, time frame etc.)

For me, meditative practices means anything done with the intention of calm, quietness, relaxation, spiritual exploration, self-exploration, ease, breath, and mindful presentness and self-aware intention.

So, for example, you may find exercising relaxing, but I do not classify it as a meditative practice because it can be strenuous, it doesn’t intentionally involve introspection and calm, and it isn’t often quiet and mindful.

So, here is why our society needs meditative practices…

 

Busyness

Our society is just so busy. Not productive, not hustling towards our goals, but downright busy. We seem to have convinced ourselves that being busy and stressed and tired means we’re going to be more successful than other people, or are better than other people.

I’m sorry, but no. Busyness is not productivity. Smart working will always be more beneficial to you than overworking. Which is better: 8 hours of tired, strenuous work, or 4 hours of actionable, healthy, focused work? I think the answer is obvious.

Successful people like Tim Ferris speak to the benefits of less work, more smart work. His book The 4-Hour Work Week demonstrates that our culture of working for long hours isn’t necessarily right for success, and I add that it definitely doesn’t help our mental wellbeing.

If we are able to slow down a bit more by being less busy, we can see more clearly. We can focus and prioritise and get things done better. Don’t aim for busyness and endless working; it’s not cool and it doesn’t make you better than anyone.

Many successful business people and celebrities are now advocating for meditative practices like meditation, yoga, and mindfulness, so can you really argue that they don’t help with success?

With your chosen meditative practice, you can get your head into the right place, break down your week, and be more productive instead of busy, which is a much healthier approach to working hard.

Don’t get it into your head that having a meditative practice, and being more intentional about your approach to work, means you’re not a hard worker – it’s society’s brainwashing that makes you think that, and it’s simply not true.

 

Screen time

We are all tied to some form of screen for large parts of our day. Phones, laptops, computers, televisions, tablets, e-readers, or other; there are screens everywhere. And let me tell you, they’re not good for us. They can damage our eyes, affect our sleep, tire us out, make our brains lazy, and a plethora of other things that I won’t get into.

But if we appreciated and routinely used meditative practices in our society, then we would get that needed time away from the screens. Away from the things we see on the screens, too; things like social media, stimulating TV shows, and our work.

Meditative practices give us a break. They help us to focus inward instead of being constantly engaged outward.

 

Always talking

Whether it is face-to-face or online, we are always talking. Always sharing information. We live in a time of information overload and it is both beautiful and damaging. There is value is quietness and stillness; value in appreciating and understanding our own thoughts and feelings, instead of constantly being attached and engaged in other people’s business and irrelevant information.

Meditative practices present us with that quietness and stillness. It allows us to switch off the noise of the outer world for a moment, and that is healthy and needed in the humdrum world of chatter that we live in.

 

Multitasking

Of course, I can’t deny that the world we live in is very complicated and layered. It’s actually wonderful how much our world has changed in a short period of time. There is no denying the fact that we have tools at our disposal that are beneficial to us. I just believe that meditative practices should be a tool on our toolbelt, too.

Meditative practices can help us to better deal with the world we live in by helping us to better multitask, focus, and be healthy-minded in more ways and for longer periods of time.

If you are someone who has trouble concentrating, multitasking, focusing and prioritising, or consuming information with perspective (and openmindedness), then meditative practices are not to be ruled out.

 

Grounding

Many of us in this day and age need help to realise what is important. We need to be grounded. We can get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life, and forget about what really matters. Meditative practices can help us to adjust our perspective, find clarity, and connect to what is important in our personal lives, instead of what we are made to think is important.

 

24/7 On culture

We are always turned on (not sexually, of course). We are alert, alerted, engaged, busy, thinking, planning, talking, doing, but not doing much of just being. Most people have heard of the popular book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, which explores how being present in the Now (this very moment) is so important for our health and happiness.

With the world that we live in, it is normal to either live in the past or look to the future without being where you are presently (wholly and completely). We’re always switched on and it’s as if we are computers with hundreds of window tabs open at once, dividing our attention and keeping us from where we are. Add screens and attachments to technology, and our presence and attention becomes downright shattered.

With a meditative practice, we are brought back into the Now. We are made to consider where we are, who we are, and what’s going on inside ourselves, which has never been more important than now, in this culture of 24/7 on-ness and activity.

 

The rise in mental illnesses

Doctors now recognise that meditative practices and holistic healing have a place in everyday life and in gaining relief from the symptoms of mental illnesses like anxiety and depression. Our modern age has seen a rise in mental health issues in many individuals, but especially young people.

You can attribute this to a rise in awareness, thus a rise in recognition and diagnosis; or our culture of social media; or whatever else, but the rise is there and it is a problem. If meditative practices can give relief to even a small number of people, then it is relevant. It is important. It is worth shouting out about.

Meditative practices can help with stress management, too, another thing that is prominent in this busy culture that we live in. There is no way to know which meditative practice is best for you and your particular experiences with ill mental health, but I implore you to give them a wholehearted try if you are suffering.

There is a reason why CBT therapists suggest that we challenge negative thoughts in a journal:  it helps us to gain perspective and feel in control of our thoughts and feelings; introspection is key to understanding and healing.

(See some resources below for further reading)

 

Disconnected

It’s ironic that we have never been more connected to other people and yet we are all more socially inept. Friends and family and even random people are only the click of a button away, but our relationships and real emotional connectivity are frayed. We text Lol as if we are laughing out loud, but in reality, we didn’t even grin. How sad is that? What have we become?

As I’ve said, meditative practices can help us to look within and see what is important. 9 times out of 10, at least one of those important things will be our loved ones. Many of us know that our relationships with our friends and family could be better, but in a busy culture with little self-reflection, this can go unnoticed and under-appreciated.

 

Self-awareness

A big part of meditative practices for many people – hence the hippie-dippie comments – is spiritual exploration and truth of Self. Meditative practices aid in our ability to understand ourselves, find hidden truths, connect with our spirit/soul, and see things as they are, not as they seem. With little to no introspection, due to our attention being stolen and used elsewhere, we feel empty and unfulfilled – something that comes from our busy culture.

If you are someone who finds yourself questioning who you are, what you want from life, and why you keep feeling low, then a meditative practice could bring that clarity, truth, and self-awareness that you need.

Check out my post on self-awareness here for more.

Relax

If nothing else, meditative practices are a key part of self-care, self-love and relaxation. All of which we can find beneficial at various moments in our everyday lives. Baths, spa visits, massages, and time with our feet up on the couch are all socially acceptable and recognised means for relaxation. And we do know that we need time to relax in our lives in order to be happy and healthy, right?

I just wish we could get to the point where meditative practices are a part of that list, too, that’s all I’m saying.

 

To summarise

Meditative practices can help with:

Focus and attention
Introspection and self-awareness
Sleep
Relief from symptoms of anxiety and depression
Understanding and clarity
Relief from tension and stress (even pain)
Breaks and relaxation time
Self-care and self-love
Physical health
Truth, trust, and instinct
Intentional, mindful living (important for those seeking minimalism, self-development and growth etc.)

All of which contribute to a healthier, happier you in this modern, somewhat flawed society that we live in.

I am a professional freelance mental health writer. If you wish to hire me to write about mental health, then please contact me. If you wish to sample more of my work, then you can browse my blog or visit my freelance writing services page to download my mental health writing portfolio. Thank you, I hope to hear from you soon.

 

Further reading:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mindfulness/

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/feb/26/mindfulness-meditation-depression-nhs

https://www.mindful.org/three-ways-meditation-boosts-your-focus/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/you-illuminated/201204/brain-scans-show-how-meditation-improves-mental-focus

Book Format Comparisons: Kindle, Paperback, or Audiobook?

Kindle

(or other e-Readers)

Pros:

Can store millions of books without worrying about space
Can’t decide which book to bring on vacation? Your Kindle has a horde ready and waiting on one device.
Easier to hold than a heavy book or a book that you don’t want to ruin the spine of
Can highlight and bookmark pages without ruining the book
Most likely cheaper to buy than other formats
Easily stored and transported

Cons:

Can run out of battery and have to charge it (though, that’s like all tech, so shouldn’t we be used to that by now?)
Don’t experience the turning of the page or the feel of a book
Can’t easily, physically see how far you’ve got left to read (though sometimes this is a good thing; less off-putting)
Can’t lend your books to your friends
People don’t know what you’re reading so there are no conversation starters in public
Can be easy to buy too many books, because you can’t physically see how many books you have

 

Paperback
Pros:

The smell of a book
The feel of a book
People know what you’re reading when out in public so you can bond over shared interests
Can easily lend a book to your friends
Easy to flick through for information or other chapters
You are consuming the book the way it was originally intended to be consumed
A full bookshelf looks beautiful
Knowledge can be displayed in your home

Cons:

More expensive than Kindle books/ebooks
May run out of storage space at home for all your books
They get dusty
Must be careful when reading or carrying them if you wish to keep them in near-perfect condition
Sometimes awkward (and painful) to hold
Reading physical copies of books means you can accidentally read the names of things wrong

 

Audiobook
Pros:

Can listen/read wherever, whenever
Can multi-task while reading so it’s effortless
Great for those who can’t read or aren’t strong readers
Learn new words and actually know how they are accurately pronounced by hearing the narrator say them
It’s like watching a film in your head when the narration and production is done well
Again, can store many books without worrying about physical space
Great way to read books and learn new things even if you are a busy person

Cons:

No physical copy of the book
Can’t highlight or bookmark passages
Not practising actual reading skills
May not know the spelling of names or places in the book because you can’t see it written down
Could be a great book really, but the narration could be poor and that ruins the experience
Sometimes you can have divided attention when listening instead of physically reading and so you miss things
Have to pause and go back to try to reread parts which can be fiddly and annoying

 

Which do you prefer?

No matter how you read, reading is an important part of life. I encourage everyone to do it, however best suits them. I will always encourage reading as a natural part of life for all people because it is so important for health, mentality, education, understanding, communities, and happiness. I never used to read much when I was younger, so I’m playing catch-up now, and that’s OK! No matter who you are, where you live, or how you grew up, try reading on for size and give it a chance; it’s life-changing.

Happy reading!

What 4 Years Together Has Brought Us

Here’s what 4 years with my partner has looked like… (Anniversary inspired post)

Travelled to 5 countries together: South Africa, France, Portugal, Italy, Netherlands.
Many road trips
Both attending university, one of us finishing.
He’s owned two cars, and driven about 7! I’ve driven 2.
Quad biking in Africa.
Horse riding in Africa.
Go-karting in Africa.
Safari experience in Africa.
Parasailing in Portugal.
Boat rides and canal rides.
Been on the Eiffel Tower and the Colosseum.
Swinging from Europe’s Highest Swing.
Got high in Amsterdam.
Got full-time office jobs and our first “big” wages.
Gave blood together
Supporting each other through the ups and downs of pursuing careers and education.
Got a puppy!
Moved in together (at my mom’s house)
Glamping in Lancashire
Meeting each other’s family and friends (and there’s loads!)
Teaching each other languages and other personal knowledge.
Watched more movies and awesome tv shows than we could count.
Tattoos done together.
Working out together.
Getting fat together!
Wolf Run (10k obstacle run) completed together.
Outdoor cinema experience.
Shot air rifles and drove dirt bikes.
Supported one another’s close family members.
Explored new foods and learned how to cook.

I am so proud of us and looking back, we’ve experienced so much! I can’t wait to see what the future holds…

How to Bring Diversity into your Story

I wanted to discuss this as someone who supports diversity, someone who feels underrepresented in books and films and TV, and someone who is an author who writes with diversity in mind.

Everything I say is my own opinion and advice, said with good intentions…

Be realistic

The first thing to remember when writing diversity into your stories is that in this world (the real world that your readers are from), there are: white people, black people, Asian people, mixed people; short hair, long hair, thin hair, thick hair, afro hair, wavy hair, no hair, coloured hair, patchy hair; able-bodied, disabled, disfigured, mental illnesses, learning disorders, shortened life expectancies; big families, small families, no families; heterosexuals, homosexuals, asexuals, transgender people, fluid genders, no genders, queers, polyamorous relationships… The list literally can go on and on.

And so, when you are writing a world, remember that there are all kinds of people in these worlds. It’s just the norm! And so, it should never have to be something that you think about too much. Why would everyone in your world be white and straight? That’s just bad writing!

 

Be honest

Remember that if you are not of a certain ethnic group or sexuality or body type yourself as an author, you may not be the best person to capture the livelihood of said group. This does not mean that you are not allowed to have characters from these groups in your books just because you don’t know their lifestyle. Of course not! Instead, think twice before having perhaps main characters as part of a group that you yourself doesn’t represent.

I only say this because it could come across as offensive if you fail to capture this person’s reality. This is most important in novels set in our world, with our cultures and values. If it’s a fantasy world where there’s green people as well as brown-skinned people, then go right ahead! Only very picky people will call you out on this.

Avoid Tokenism

When you do want to include someone of a different group to yourself, then be very careful not to have them as purely the “token diverse character,” where it is so obvious that you put them there to say “hey, I’m inclusive!” And be very careful not to use stereotypes. Like the Black character can’t be the loud, poor, slang-user of the group – this is offensive and an inaccurate representation of Black culture. Similarly, you can’t have a token gay character that is the sassy, hand-waving, effeminate one of the group – again, super offensive.

 

Explore your characters

Whenever you are creating a character, really think about who they are, what their backstory is, who their family is, and what they value and desire, and how they behave and why. All of these things are the basics of character creation, and when done properly, and authentically, the appearance of your character should also manifest. If you visualise them as white and straight and able-bodied, then go for it. Forcing your character to be something that didn’t naturally feel right will show in your work.

If you have a character, aside from the main character, who you are exploring but have no real image of yet, ask yourself, “what would make this character more real?” Because, as I said before, diversity is real; it’s a part of our world, and so you should naturally consider it when creating characters. Perhaps you start thinking, “ooo their backstory is that they were born into a family of rice farmers” and this leads you to believe that they could be Japanese. You don’t need to stress their Asian-ness or anything, because if you’re not Japanese it may seem inauthentic, but you can have a pretty great character of Japanese heritage who knows how to harvest rice (among many other things). Simple.

 

Don’t try to please everyone

At the end of the day, there’s probably no way to win over everyone. There’s always someone who will have something to say about your work, whether it is diverse or not. However, if you can truly and honestly say that your characters are real (a real representation of people as a whole), necessary, and authentic, then you have nothing to worry about.

For example, in my current work in progress, my main character is mixed race (like myself) and lives in a fantasy world. She becomes a pirate with a notorious group who have travelled the world. This means that those in the crew with her should be individuals from all over their world: people of all shapes, sizes, abilities, ethnicities, and creeds. Agree? And so, this means there is a lot of diversity within the pirates and the characters in the story because it makes sense for there to be; it is necessary and authentic.

However, a book about one family who lives in China will probably be about Chinese people only, right? Because China is a country with little natural diversity, and it’s about a Chinese family. This is OK. This is normal. No need to force it where it doesn’t belong!

 

Dear White people

I wish to speak to white, heterosexual authors now: breathe! I know that you may feel pressure or even attacked at times when it comes to diversity. As you know, you can mostly only write from an authentic place when it is something you’ve experienced. This is OK. Advocate for diversity, push for POC and Non-Cisgender, Non-Heterosexual authors to write their books and share their stories. Then, share their work, too. When writing your own, don’t feel guilty that you chose a white heroine.

The only time you need to feel guilty is if:

You have a horde of characters in your book and 99% of them are white, straight, able-bodied, and male.
You never, not even for a second, consider that you MC could be gay or bi or less gender-fixed than what you end up portraying them as. (I watched a wonderful video about how all of our characters should be considered bisexual at the beginning of our novels so that as we write, we the author don’t force them into relationships, instead, the character decides – and it’s pretty intriguing to see the results).
The same goes for never considering that your character could be anything other than white, especially if it’s a fantasy world where you needn’t portray your character as adhering to any cultural identities of our world (thus you can’t be called out for not representing a cultural standard from our world).
You don’t care for diversity as a concept; you don’t see it as needed; you turn your back on it; you don’t support the movement.

 

Last advice…

If you wish to write a book with a more diverse cast of characters, then good; go you! However, if you are choosing to represent characters who have an experience that you’ve never had, you really need to do your research, first. Speak to friends or people on the internet and get advice. Try to truly capture the experience in an authentic way, not on assumption or stereotypes or what you think you know. When in doubt, ask. When in real doubt, leave it out and let it go!

Remember, just because your image is represented in books (and other story formats) that doesn’t mean that someone else’s is, too. It’s sad that a child can turn to their mother and say, “no one in my books looks like me or feels what I feel.” This is why diversity is important, and you are a part of that, whether you like it or not.

*Check out my Black Character Design board on Pinterest for some inspiration on creating awesome Black characters!

My Writing Services Explained

Blogging services:

£25 per post* (provided it is less than 1,500 words)
I can do as many as you need in a week (as long as I have the scheduling time)
Mental health-related or lifestyle and personal development blog posts preferred as it is my niche and area of expertise.
I can work independently (coming up with my own content each week) or with your instruction to suit your needs.
I’m SEO content writing and keyword trained
Preferred Style: informal, reader-focused, personal, actionable info
Can adapt as needed to suit your brand

 

Mental Health Writing services:

I will determine the rate depending on the project.
Word count and research needed contributes to rates.
Can write short (under 1000 words) or long (1,500+) articles as needed
Preferred style: reader-friendly, no highly technical or confusing jargon, experience-based, well-laid out and actionable information
Download a copy of my mental health articles (portfolio) here
Or check out my mental health blog posts here

 

Web content writing services:

Work on a page-by-page basis
Per page charge depends on the desired word count and whether research is involved on my part
I have experience with writing web copy for a plethora of sites from all kinds of industries: catering, mental health, haircare, aquatics, shipping, casinos, digital marketing, and so on. (References available upon request)

 

Editorial and Proofreading Services:

This is mostly for manuscripts and chapters of books
Also includes, web pages, articles, and any other text
Rates at a per page basis for full manuscripts
Hourly for shorter pieces
Projects priced after we’ve spoken about what you need from me
I offer line editing, developmental editing, coaching/advice, and specific writing advice on characters, world-building, and structure/pacing.

 

Other info:

I am open to ghostwriting for clients, but only for appropriate projects.
Ghostwriting is at a higher rate, due to the fact that I won’t be credited for the work, and you could greatly profit from it.
Looking for those willing to work professionally with me, by hiring me on agreed upon terms that are fair to both parties. No low, unfair rates.

I’m a very approachable, down to earth person who’s happy to have a conversation with anyone needing my services. I will always try to be reasonable and understanding of your needs. Having a lasting, comfortable client-writer relationship is important to me. We must trust one another.

Please feel free to get into contact with me with any concerns or needs. Speak soon!

Why Self Awareness is All You Need

How many times have you found yourself saying, “I didn’t realise” or “I didn’t mean to” or “why did I do that?” Common phrases, aren’t they. Sadly, not enough of us are aware of the world around us, the people around us, or what is going on inside of ourselves.

However, this can all be remedied by one concept: Self-Awareness.

 

What is Self Awareness?

Self-awareness can be defined as, “the capacity for introspection and the ability to recognize oneself as an individual separate from the environment and other individuals.” (Wikipedia)

Or more simply, says Google, “conscious knowledge of one’s own character and feelings.”

I like the latter definition, and thus will be using it in regards to this post.

So, Self-Awareness is conscious knowledge of our character and feelings. This means that we are aware of and attentive to our personality, what we say, how we behave, what we feel and think, and in general, how we operate in the world. Sounds like bliss, right?

 

How Self-Awareness can change your life

How does Self-Awareness actually help us, though? Why is it important, or, as I proclaim: “the only thing we need“?

Think about it, if we are Self-Aware, then we know what we’re doing. We recognise our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours on a deeper, more attentive level. Instead of coming to the realisation that you snapped at your partner because you were tired or stressed from work after she’s already upset; instead, you will be aware of this as it’s happening and put a stop to it (and hopefully apologise).

Or, we could go even further back, and be so Self-Aware that we recognise that we’re feeling tired and stressed, and so we practice self-care and do what we know we need to do to prevent the tiredness, lessen the stress, and not snap at anyone. Get it?

Self-Awareness can be life-changing if you make it a priority. If you dare to face the truths of yourself, explore yourself introspectively, and accept what is found.

With Self-Awareness, you can become aware of and attentive to…

Illnesses and problems on a mental and physical level
Tiredness and fatigue; strain and tension
Behaviours towards others or how you speak to others
Body language
Habits and routine
Mistakes and missteps
The foods you eat or eating behaviours
Recurring thoughts and how they make you feel
To-dos and responsibilities
Talents and skills
The actions of the Universe (or your God, whichever you believe in)
The things you own and buy and why
Your values and choices
Insecurities and fears
The list goes on…

This is some pretty heavy stuff, right? This is…everything. Everything of importance. With Self-Awareness, we can understand ourselves on every level. We can finally pay attention to what we’re doing, how, and most importantly, why.

For example, some people don’t realise that they swear (curse) a lot. They don’t mean to be a potty-mouth or cause offence, it’s just a habit that they’ve picked up. If these people were a little more Self-Aware, though, I’d bet that they would have a better chance of kicking the habit – because, well, they would be more aware of it, which is the first step to doing something about it.

Say someone is rude or arrogant or mean around other people. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they are, simply, a horrid person to be around. Instead, they may not be aware of what they’re saying, how they’re saying it, and how it is being received by others. But with Self-Awareness…well, you get the drift.

 

Why Self-Awareness is important

Self-Awareness is important because it will help us to be better people. There has been a rise in Personal Development, Self-Improvement, Growth Mindsets, and Intentional (or Better) Living mindsets. This means that we are now in a time of wanting to concentrate on bettering ourselves and our lives. This is great, but we need a healthier, simpler approach, I think (see my post Is Personal Development Dangerous for Our Mental Health).

With Self-Awareness, all the rest shall follow. For, as I believe, with Self-Awareness, we are conscious of what we’re doing and feeling. This means that we will be paying more attention to our actions (or inaction). We will be aware of the fact that we haven’t been reading enough or working out enough or working towards our goals. We are then in the right position and mindset to do these things.

This is why Self-Awareness is so important: if you want to be a better person, you must first be aware of yourself. Simple.

Awareness alerts us to our problem areas, weaknesses, strengths, setbacks and common pitfalls, actions and inaction, tiredness, speech, and what truly matters to us. Many of us are instead working on Auto Pilot. We’re zombies just operating on routine, habits, and doing what other’s make us feel we should do.

We’re stuck in our habits and have no real awareness of what’s doing on. It’s like when you arrive home but have no recollection of the car journey. Mindlessness.

With introspection and awareness, we can rectify this. We can see with our eyes wide open and recognise, “I want this; I am doing that; I must do this…”

In order to be a good person in society, and a good person for ourselves, Self-Awareness is the fundamental foundation of this growth.

 

How to be more Self-Aware:

There is no hard and fast path to Self-Awareness. Self-Awareness, I believe, is a spectrum. There is no “not Self-Aware” and “Self-Aware.” Instead, we can all be Self-Aware in some form or another, and it is our choice how far we wish to go with it.

Here are some ways to become more Self-Aware:

Practice Mindfulness*
Slow down
Aim for productivity over busyness
Prioritise and do one thing at a time: focus
Journal your thoughts and feelings, it brings our attention back to the things that go on (usually subconsciously) inside ourselves
Practice meditation or another meditative, quiet, slow practice; like yoga or walking
Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, be wholly in that space; be present
Review your weeks (or days)
Listen to the people around you (who you love and trust); pay attention to how you interact with them
When you catch yourself feeling off, question it; find the root of that feeling and take note of it
Practice Minimalism; aim for less instead of more and buy with intention

There are many more ways to achieve a better practice of Self-Awareness. The aim is to achieve natural Self-Awareness, but at first, it may take intentional Self-Awareness practices to get used to how it feels to look within and pay attention to yourself.

Let’s take Mindfulness, which is one of the most important paths to Self-Awareness, alongside intention. Mindfulness is “a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.”

As you can see from this definition, Mindfulness is awareness. It is now being used as a therapeutic method for gaining relief from stress, anxiety, depression, and overwhelm. This means that if we can get used to Mindfulness practices, we will ease any tensions in our lives, while also gaining the tools for Self-Awareness.

Mindfulness practices to include in your everyday life:

Mindfully watch TV
Mindfully eat
Mindfully read
Mindfully walk
Mindfully talk
Mindfully work
Mindfully internet surf
Mindfully shop
Mindfully have sex
Mindfully cook and clean
And so on…

How do we do these things “mindfully,” you ask? Well, we pay attention. We don’t multitask or think about other things or allow ourselves to be distracted. We’re not elsewhere. Quite simply, with Mindfulness, we are just doing what we’re doing, and being where we are, wholly and completely.

This is why I now practice Intentional Living instead of the other trendy mindsets that are now popular in our society. With Intentional Living, you are simply, well, living with intention. You are consciously making choices that are purposeful, meaningful, important, and crucial for our growth, health, and happiness.

If we can bring ourselves to be more Mindful in our everyday lives, then we are honing our skills for awareness, Presence, and attention (focus). Then, we can begin to live with the mindset of Intentional Living, making choices and doing things that are in our best interest. Then with Mindfulness and Intention at the heart of our routines, we will, in time, be effortlessly practising Self-Awareness.

This is the pathway to success in so many areas of your life: personal goals, relationships, cultivating new skills, retaining knowledge, doing your work, better sleep, balanced diet, and more. You will finally be Awake. Awake and aware of the life you are living. It can be magical…

 

Summary

In conclusion, Self-Awareness is simply the conscious attention we have towards who we are, what we do, what we value, and how we feel. This is important because it helps us to be better people, look after ourselves, make better decisions, and reach personal success. The path to Self-Awareness has no end goal, really, but with being more Mindful (as a practice and in general) we can then live with intention, which will lead to awareness of ourselves and our lives.

How to Enjoy the Winter Months

The weather is getting colder and most of us just want to stay in and do nothing, or worse, we’ve fallen into a hibernation-like slumber or even depression. Well, here are some ways to enjoy the rest of the cold season to the fullest while you wait for Spring!

Read loads (more than usual)
Pamper yourself
Make stew
Wear cosy jumpers and cardigans
Make soups
Sit with a million blankets
Cuddle up with someone or your pet or both!
Revamp, declutter, and clean your home
Play in the snow
Play video games
Drink hot beverages often
Get a fresh look (hair, makeup, wardrobe)
Plan for your reset after this hibernation
Meditate
Sit by a fire
Make plans and goals for the rest of the year
Work out at home
Yoga
Play board games
Have movie marathons or binge watch TV shows
Do an online course
Meet up with a friend for coffee (in your boots and big winter coat, of course!)
Have a bonfire with marshmallows
Blog
Write, draw, be creative
Go ice-skating
Visit a winter wonderland
Bake cookies and cupcakes
Go abroad and see great cities in the snow

Is Personal Development Dangerous for Our Mental Health?

*This is the first of many long-form mental health articles that I will be posting to my site. If this is not your interest, that’s fine; you have been warned!*

 

There seems to be this culture nowadays of “personal development” and “growth mindset” and “self-development“. These are ideas that none of us can escape. This idea of needing and wanting to be better; to grow and develop into this super being. But how healthy are these mindsets? Is personal development dangerous for our mental health?

Let’s discuss…

 

What is Personal Development?

Personal development is defined as, “activities that improve awareness and identity, develop talents and potential, build human capital and facilitate employability, enhance the quality of life and contribute to the realization of dreams and aspirations.” (says Wikipedia)

Sounds lovely, right? Sounds healthy. But I believe that there is an issue with this path in regards to our mental health, which I will discuss in this long-form mental health article.

Personal development, as I see it, and perhaps more simply put, is this idea and aim to better oneself. To strive for self-development and growth in your life. All noble pursuits that can lead to our downfall if we’re not careful.

Let me explain…

 

The problem with Personal Development

I think that there is a problem with this idea of personal development. I believe that the constant mindset of “I must better myself” is a rocky path to walk on a regular basis. If you’re not careful, it can become “I’m not good enough as I am, and so I must change,” which is a very different narrative – and a toxic one at that.

There is no harm in wanting to better yourself and your life. After all, it’s why we go to the gym or educate ourselves in the first place (generally), and so this is a positive thing. However, those who cultivate the whole growth mindset and personal development strategy as a lifestyle run the risk of taking it too far.

This means that in the end, nothing will ever be enough. It becomes this idea of more. More reading, more fitness, more money, more confidence, more social life, more education, more spirituality, more healthy eating, more time with family and friends…more, more, more.

There’s no end to personal development, which is supposed to be a good thing, but it can be daunting and encourage us to always push for more.

You’ve read 50 books? Great, well you should read 100.

You’ve run four 10k obstacle races? Great, run two marathons.

You’ve earned two Master’s degrees? Great, get a doctorate.

You make £60k a year? Great, make £100k.

There’s no end. There’s no “I’ve done it“. There’s always something more to achieve and something better that you can be. And that can really mess with your head.

Plus, there’s so much information out there, and a lot of it contradicts one another. As I said, there has been a rise in personal development as an ideal lately, meaning many YouTubers and influencers are now on the bandwagon.

For the whole of last year, I watched video after video from YouTubers who spoke about personal development and bettering your life (and success). But what I realised, in the end, was that there was no one way to do it. They all had so much information to give, with slight differences, and even they themselves couldn’t keep up. At least three YouTubers that I follow had to take “mental health breaks” from their work – meaning that the things they were putting on themselves to do weren’t, in the end, beneficial to their mental wellbeing.

I’m fully embedded in both the personal development and mental health worlds. This means that I have a conflict of interest because I see the benefits of personal development, obviously, but I also see how it can harm our mental health if we’re not careful.

 

What should we do?

At the end of the day, I think that you are better off striving for the idea of “intentional living” rather than “personal development.” For if you are living with intention, then you will be aware of what you do and why you do it. You will then implement the right things into your life, and let go of the wrong things.

Self-awareness is the key to developing personally and being mentally well. It becomes less about “I must do 5 yoga sessions a week in order to better myself” and more about “I’m aware that I haven’t done my yoga today, and so I shall.” This is a much gentler approach to health, wellness, and development.

The same goes for your mental health. If you cultivate self-awareness, then you will recognise when you feel off-balance or unwell (physically and mentally). You will be aware of your needs. Instead of getting frustrated or snapping at a friend because you’ve been low and stressed without realising it, you will catch yourself ahead of time and hopefully have the means of fixing it.

No pressure, no checklist, just living with purpose, intention, and awareness of what you truly want to manifest in your life.

 

Mental Health and Personal Development

If you are truly invested in this idea of personal development, but you want to do it in a healthier way, here’s some advice…

Personal development can mean:

Wanting to read more
Wanting to make new, healthier friends
Wanting to eat healthier foods
Wanting to travel more
Wanting to experiment with recipes
Wanting to improve your physical appearance (style, shape, hair etc.)
Wanting to improve your fitness
Wanting to improve your mental wellness
Wanting to make more money
And so on…

Personal development is, of course, personal, which means it can be different for each individual. This means that firstly, in the pursuit of healthy personal change, you must not take the advice of others too much.

Secondly, you must have a real reason for wanting to develop yourself in the first place; don’t do it simply because it is on trend or someone else said so.

Thirdly, try to set actionable goals and give yourself rewards along the way. Having something to strive towards that is reasonable and purposeful to you will help eliminate the idea of always wanting to do more or always feeling like you could be better. For example, have an aim to read 24 books (2 a month) within a year; or aim to be able to lift a certain weight at the gym or run for a certain amount of time.

This keeps you focused on what you actually want, why you want it, and the specific road to getting there – instead of floating in a space of constant development that doesn’t have any real goal or meaning.

Lastly, only subscribe to people who are doing what you actually want to do. Don’t go looking for new ways that you can “better yourself” which have no real meaning or place in your life. There is no rule that says that the perfect person does X, Y, and Z.

Always bear in mind that you should never come at personal development with the idea that you can one day be perfect. And don’t put others on a pedestal and aim to be like them; their life is probably not as amazing as it seems.

 

Summary

To conclude, I believe that it can be dangerous to blindly pursue the personal development and constant growth mindset. It is much healthier to instead practice intentional living and self-awareness.

Reasons why personal development can impede our mental health:

The culture of doing and wanting more, more, more is toxic.
Striving for perfect and better gives the illusion that you are not already good enough.
With no real goals or reasons for doing it, you will feel stressed, overwhelmed and lost on this path.
There’s always a new thing that you “must” do in order to be happy, healthy, and successful; so, you can’t win.

Bear these things in mind so that you don’t fall down the trap of personal development, self-development, and the growth mindset. Don’t let anyone convince you that you need to change. Don’t let anyone convince you that you are not worthy or good enough. Only you can decide what is best for you.

In order to live a healthy, happy life, all you need to do is want it. The rest will, in time, follow through your choices and beliefs at large.

 

I am a professional freelance mental health writer. If you wish to hire me to write about mental health, then please contact me. If you wish to sample more of my work, then you can browse my blog or visit my freelance writing services page to download my mental health writing portfolio. Thank you, I hope to hear from you soon.

Rethinking Self Worth

Many believe that their self worth is tied to two things: One, how much money they make; and Two, the awesome things they do.

Even if you disagree with this, I believe that most of us subconsciously do attach our self worth to these two things.

Firstly, our money. Think about it, money controls the world. If you have money, there’s seemingly nothing you can’t do. You don’t have to struggle to make ends meet and you can relax knowing your life has no immediate troubles that are inside of your control.

And then there’s the things we do. We believe that those doing awesome things are living better lives than ourselves. When we do get round to doing awesome things or “the right things” by societal standards, then we can’t wait to shout out about it.

This is things like travel, exceeding in education, interesting jobs, dating someone attractive, creating something new and exciting, eating awesome foods in awesome places, exciting activities like skydiving and surfing, and so on and so forth.

And so, you feel pretty worthy when you have a healthy amount of money in the bank, and when you’re doing exciting things in your life; Instagram-worthy things.

But I’m here to remind you of some other ways to think about when it comes to your self-worth, especially in times when you don’t think you have any.

I know what you’re thinking, no random stranger that you found the blog post of online is going to make you feel good about yourself purely because they said so – even if they do say it in a super wonderful way!

And it may seem hypocritical because I lack self-worth a lot of the time. But that is the very reason why I’m writing this. I needed to see my self-worth, and you need to see yours…

 

Accomplishments

My first way to accurately determine your self-worth in a more healthy way is to consider your accomplishments. Some may disagree about this being “healthy,” but bear with me here.

Accomplishments can be anything. What you see as an accomplishment is personal and valid. An accomplishment can be anything from climbing Mount Everest to getting out of bed on the day you wanted to die.

Accomplishments are our own. We decide what is and what isn’t (unless, of course, you’re in a particularly bad stage of low self-esteem and you don’t see any of the wonderful things that you’ve done as accomplishments, in which case I’ll decide what is an accomplishment for you and by-god have you got many!)

I believe that our accomplishments give us insight into our self-worth.

 

Relationships

Again, some may not like this one. Some may be thinking, “so someone with no friends or family isn’t deserving of self-worth?” Hold on there, partner!

I believe that in a lifetime, we will all form thousands of relationships with people. Relationships can be anything. Mother, daughter, boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, acquaintance, colleague, classmate, the boy from yoga group, the girl from the gym, the man from my corner shop, the woman who cleans my windows…

And I believe that you can decide on your self-worth based on how you make these people feel. Not by which relationships last or how many awesome people you know. No! Instead, how you make people feel.

If you make people feel good, no matter who they are or how you know them, then in my book, you’re pretty worthy.

 

Actions

Actions speak louder than words (at times) and I believe that your actions speak to who you are.

You can see your worth in what you do. If you hurt people and commit bad crimes and come at the world with a damaging hand then no, you’re not worthy.

But if you come to the world with kindness, growth, and the intention to heal and love – then please see yourself as worthy!

 

Value

Lastly, there’s your value. Not monetary value, but real value. What can you give? What do you provide this world, the people around you, the animals, the energy, all of it?

Again, I’m not saying you have to leave this huge mark on the world like Martin Luther King Jr. but you do need to give some sort of value to the space you occupy in this world.

Value could be like giving good advice. It could be creating art of any kind and sharing it. It could be being kind to strangers in the street. It could be giving to the needy.

If you bring value to people’s lives and the universe around you, then you are worthy, to me, and hopefully to you, too.

So, I see myself as worthy. It may be hard to do that at times, but I know deep down that I am. I now want to work on my self-worth, with these ideas in mind.

Yes, money matters. Yes, many of us want to do awesome things with our lives. But what I’m saying is, it is not these things that make you worthy. It is so much more that does.

And so, I hope that one day you will see yourself the way I do.