S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 77

Social Anxiety Isn’t What You Think

As you may know, I have had social anxiety (clinically diagnosed) for about 7 years now. I think it started as soon as I started secondary school, but I was only diagnosed when I was about 16 years old. And the weird thing is, I still don’t truly understand it. It still gets me pretty hard even now after I feel a lot better than I used to be. It crops up in unexpected situations. And it hurts me more than I thought it still could.

And how can I expect people to understand a disorder that I understand very little for myself? It’s only recently that I’ve truly thought about how much social anxiety affects my life. It’s not just having trouble talking to new people. It’s not being afraid of socialising.

It’s way more than that…

Isolating yourself

Individuals with social anxiety are likely to be isolated people, especially if they suffer quite badly with it, and especially if they don’t know they have it or have no one around them who understands.

Think about it, “social” is anything involving other people. So, if we have social anxiety, we will be anxious around other people and often want to stop that feeling, thus isolating ourselves without realising it.

We can also be isolated due to others not liking or understanding us. I know that I don’t have many friends, and I believe that my social anxiety has contributed to my losing touch with school friends. There’s only so many times that a friend can handle you cancelling on them.

Not being yourself

In social situations, you can trust that you will be stuttering, forgetting things, fidgeting, not maintaining eye contact, sweating, shaking, wanting it to end, and avoiding conversation.

I’m such a friendly, bubbly person in truth. I’m also not dumb! But in some social situations, I’m just not myself. I don’t give full answers. I fidget and feel aware of myself. I lose my intellect and come off as stupid (there’s so many times when people have said “you’re a writer and you don’t know words” just because I just can’t speak well).

Rehearsing and reviewing

A big thing that we often do is think about what people will say and what we’ll say, too, beforehand. We run scenarios in our heads without meaning to. It’s like trying to predict the events so that we can handle them better.

And it’s not only that, we review what happened for a time afterwards, too. “I can’t believe I said that” or “they must have thought this or that when I said that” or “they laughed at that, maybe I wasn’t so bad” and so on. We try to better ourselves, subconsciously, by “preparing” and “reviewing”.

Trouble in public places

Again, social is anything involving other people. It is big in public places for this reason. I knew someone with social anxiety who couldn’t go to the shop because of the crowds and having to speak to a customer service assistant in the store.

Going abroad

Yes, this one is a very sad one for me as someone who does like to travel. Going abroad means constantly being out and about around people. If you spent the whole time in your room, it wouldn’t make any sense to bother going abroad! And so, you must go out. You eat out in very busy restaurants. You are around packed squares of sightseers. You struggle twice as much with the language barrier because you’re also anxious in general about talking to people or dealing with new situations in the presence of others.

This also extends to simply travelling around the country, or just going on the bus or train, too.

Going for meals

As I said, restaurants are a big one. You’re sat eating in front of people, being surrounded by people, talking to the people you’re with, and even ordering food to your tastes, too. It can be so awful to just be in that space.

Meals have been a massive one for me for a long time. I would cancel on friends the day before because my anxiety got so bad. Or I’d go, but feel so nauseous due to the anxiety that I didn’t even talk much and I didn’t finish my food. I feel so sad when remembering the number of times I’ve cried in restaurant toilets, gagging because I felt so sick, and just wishing to go home.

Parties and clubs

Being a young person with social anxiety was awful because what do youngsters like to do? Drink and party! Even my introverted friends still liked social gatherings where drinking was involved, and I hated it. Not only was it just not me, but it was also a big trigger for my anxiety. As soon as someone said, “hey, I’m having a party next week” or “hey, let’s go out next Saturday” I felt sick to my stomach. I would panic all week and usually cancel.

Activities with people

Any general activities with people are hard, too. And yes, even people I know and love! I’ve been invited to bowling, golf, film nights, football games, friends’ houses, and god knows what else but the anxiety has crept in as soon as the invite was given. It’s much easier for me to do activities, as I don’t have to worry as much about talking or anything, but I still feel it. And sometimes, it’s enough to make me not go.

Public speaking

Like, duh.

Private speaking

It’s not just public speaking, though, it’s also private. I get socially anxious even when recording my podcast and when I used to do my YouTube videos. I think it’s the mere fact that I know people will listen to it or see it that I get nervous. I worry about what I’m saying, how it will be perceived, and if it is worth anyone’s time. This is why I speak so fast on my podcast at times, and it’s only when I realise it that I’m able to slow down a bit.

Crowds

Not everyone who has social anxiety is also (or completely) agoraphobic. I’m not, but some are. I do, however, have some trouble in crowds and places where there is a lot going on. I feel suffocated, on edge, highly aware of myself, and drained of energy.

Education

People hardly consider this one, but people with social anxiety will often have a hard time in education. This is because, in schools or universities, you are constantly surrounded by people. You are constantly needing to talk to classmates and teachers. You eat surrounded by people. You study with others. You’re asked questions by the teacher and feel pressured to answer correctly.

It’s social chaos!

It can be really hard, tiring, scary, and overwhelming. People with social anxiety need time to breathe, and in schools, they often don’t get to.

Meeting up with friends

As I’ve said, just seeing friends can be hard. I still get anxious as soon as my friends or even my boyfriend arranges for us to do something together. Even if it is the simplest of things. This can be so hard because, on the one hand, you want to see people you like and do things to have fun and break up your week, but on the other hand, you know how horrid you’re going to feel inside whilst doing them.

Advanced plans/ events

And I think the worst comes when it is a planned thing in advance. Spontaneous plans means I have less time to let the anxiety build up. But with plans made in advance, I have plenty of time to drive myself crazy by thinking about what will happen, how I’ll feel, who will say what, what it will mean, if it will be good, and so much more.

This is just my list, and my experiences, but I think my social anxiety is a lot more prevalent in my life than I often realise. It’s probably a reason why I like being self-employed, why I like to be alone, why I don’t do much, why I get nervous when people I like organise things, why I just feel overwhelmed whenever someone organises something or is in my space. It can make you seem rude, or anti-social, or friendless.

And it’s frickin’ tough.

Remember the social pressures that we all face: Will I be liked? Will I be accepted? Will I be understood? Am I funny enough? Smart enough? Interesting enough? – and then times that by like ten for someone with social anxiety…it’s not a nice feeling to deal with regularly.

I hope this further explains the experiences of people with social anxiety.

If you need any help in bettering your mental health, or better coping with anxiety, depression, and stress, then my book “You’re As Mad As I Am” may be for you. Check it out here, and download a free sample to see what it’s all about.

If you want to hire me to write about mental health (or other), then don’t hesitate to get in touch!

My Autumn Bucket List!

Since the start of summer, I’ve been writing seasonal “bucket lists”. I’ve only completed two, but I really love the idea. It follows the strategy of intentional living; trying to do things, instead of just living life by chance. Instead, you have a list of fun or challenging or season-specific activities. This ensures you’re excited for the coming months, have plans to do, won’t be bored, make the most of the time, and don’t waste the seasons where it is best to do certain activities.

This has been even more important for my SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) where I usually fall kind of depressed and more anxious in the autumn/winter months. Having things to look forward to, that will fill my time, makes it easier to welcome the months that usually worry me.

So, here is my autumn/fall bucket list:

Read 1-2 Harry Potter books
One more holiday
Poetry writing
Go for Thai food with sibling(s)
Blanket and movie marathons
Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald(!!!!!!!!!)
Autumn outfits
Pumpkin carving
Booties and leather jacket
Environment change/decor
Buy a new ring
Decorate for Halloween
Read a Middle-Grade classic book
Halloween/Horror movies October
Meditation with candles
Sister’s birthday
Coffee shop working
New tattoo
New coffees tried (pumpkin spice latte, cinnamon latte, gingerbread etc.)
Cinnamon recipes
New hair
Find: a conker, leaves of red, brown and orange, a green tree, a bare tree, pine cones
Fall photoshoot
Take aesthetically pleasing photos
Watch fantasy TVshows
Prepare for Christmas (12 days of Christmas fun, Christmas quiz)
Read a self-development book
Marshmallows and bonfire
Read Pottermore content
Fireworks
Rewatch Stranger Things
Make a stew
Halloween Eternity series posts
Make my own soup
Amsterdam
Make my own garlic bread
Sell some of my stuff
Spa or massage
Do an online course
Lose some weight
Mini Thanksgiving celebration
Read a scary story
90s movie day
Autumn nature walk
Read in a new cafe with a coffee
Bake cookies or brownies
Autumn mood boards
Watch sports (in person or on TV)
Research into fantasy worlds and texts
Journal more/ life writing/ document my thoughts

I’m fine with not completing the whole list. The point is, I have things to do to keep me excited; to keep me going. Some can even overflow into my Winter Bucket List, if I want. It’s totally up to me because it’s my list and my life! And the same goes for you, so have some fun making your list and have fun this cold season.

Awesome Black Characters (Black History Month Inspired)

(I’ve purposely missed out characters from historical films about slavery or the segregation of black people, for I have another post coming purely for that)

Also, this is a list of characters that I know, not the only ones that are out there! Please add your favourite awesome black characters in the comments…

Shuri (Black Panther)

T’Challa (Black Panther)

M’baku (Black Panther)

Okoye (Black Panther)

Heimdall (Thor)

Starr (The Hate U Give)

Hazel (Heroes of Olympus)

Frozone (The Incredibles)

Nick Fury (The Avengers)

Nakia (Black Panther)

Rue (Hunger Games)

Sister Mary Clarence (Sister Act)

Michonne (The Walking Dead)

Will (Fresh Prince)

Michael (My Wife and Kids)

Geoffrey (Fresh Prince)

Terry (Brooklyn 99)

Agent J (Men in Black)

Dre (Black-ish)

Diane (Black-ish)

Charlie (Black-ish)

Captain Holt (Brooklyn 99)

Gus (Psych)

Troy (Community)

Kenan and Kel (Kenan and Kel)

Taystee (Orange is the New Black)

Poussey (Orange is the New Black)

Suzanne (Orange is the New Black)

Missandei (Game of Thrones)

Sokka (Avatar: The Last Airbender)

Katara (Avatar: The Last Airbender)

Marlon (Marlon)

Lando (Star Wars)

Finn (star Wars)

Writing this list, I realised that I didn’t know many black characters. I struggled to think of them, which is really sad. As a mixed race (half black, half white) women who grew up with the black side of her family, I feel sad that I haven’t watched enough shows and films featuring black people. And even sadder is that this list has nearly no black characters from books.

But as an author, I aim to change that one day…And you should too, fellow writers!

How to Be a Healthy Writer

Don’t isolate yourself

It is very easy as a writer to become isolated. Your work involves you, a laptop or a notebook and pen. Yes, of course, there’s the characters in your head – but I’m sorry, they don’t count.

Make a conscious effort to be around real people, at least now and then. Don’t let it become too much of a habit to spend time alone. It’s really not healthy.

Create more (or as much as) you consume

As a writer, you are a creator, an artist. No creator should consume more art than they make themselves. Not to an incredibly off-balance standard, anyhow. You can’t read all day and night and never write. It will make you doubt your own writing, your own abilities. It can also lead to writing what you read instead of using your own voice, too. So, be aware of this.

The general rule is don’t watch tv shows and films and read books and read blogs and watch YouTube videos to the point where you’re consuming all this creative content and not creating enough of your own.

Take time out away from your work

It’s important to take breaks. Any writer will run themselves into the ground if they write to no avail. Taking breaks will only aid in your creativity. Give your mind a breather, especially when you see signs of fatigue in yourself.

Don’t allow writing to be your whole life

In a similar way, don’t allow your whole life to be consumed by writing. Change things up. Have other hobbies. Go out and see the world. Socialise. Try new things. All of these things will help your writing, naturally, but it will also keep your mind healthy and balanced. Variety is important!

Have a critique partner or trusted friend read your work

I cannot tell you how much I value my good friend and critique partner Charlene Antrobus. She is my go-to when I’m down or doubting myself, and I’m the same for her. Without each other, we may not have kept going. It really helps to have someone who’s opinion you value read your work, be your cheerleader, and call you out on your crap when you’re letting yourself down. It will only make you a better writer, and a healthier one too, because you won’t be wasting a lot of time and energy beating yourself up.

Try not to overanalyse everything

It is not healthy for anyone to overanalyse. As a writer, we sometimes can’t help ourselves though, right! It’s not enough to just accept this, friends. We need to be careful and try our best to switch our minds off. Meditation, yoga, music, or other – try these to silence that overactive mind of ours. Not everything requires intense thought – it’ll only drive you mad.

Write in different environments

It’s every writer’s dream to have a cosy writer’s nook where you do all your writing. Those who have found their nooks, are not about to sacrifice them. However, it is healthy to switch up your surroundings. Don’t get into the habit of spending most of your time in the same space, especially if that space is indoors. It really helps our minds to change up our space, and in turn it will help our creativity.

Stand up sometimes!

Just like switching up your environment, you need to walk about. Get moving. Get active. It’s not good for us to spend all day sitting. Inactivity can cause an array of troublesome health problems, so use standing desks at times. Stand up on the hour. Do activities. Go for walks. Move your body, so that one day it doesn’t give up on you.

Write other things aside from your key project

It can be healthy as a writer to write other things that have nothing to do with your key project or work. It’s a way to practice, to keep your writing sharp and varied. It can also help to take a break from your project, so that when you come back to it, you are better. I believe that it can only help your writing/mind to write other things and in other ways.

Obsessively writing the same thing or in the same area can lead to stale writing, repetition, writer’s block, and tedium.

Read actively

It is good for your writing to read. That should go without saying, at this point. It’s good for anyone’s health to read, and keep their mind full, challenged, and entertained.

Like I mentioned before, though, don’t allow yourself to read on a scale that far outweighs your creating.

Take care of your mind

Of course, as a writer, you need a working mind. Your mind needs to be healthy – but that should be your goal whether you’re a writer or not. Take care of your mind so that it can work for you, not against you.

You can take care of your mind by: reading, journaling, meditating, being active, mindfulness, balance, water, balanced diet, breath, self care practices, and more.

Happy writing, friends, but ensure you’re doing so to a healthy standard!

Why I Talk About Mental Health

I find myself writing this post because some people tend to not understand why I talk about mental health. As I’m sure you can imagine, these people are mostly those who do not (or don’t believe they do) suffer from mental health problems.

But I also think this would be a nice post to share, to show why I came to do what I do.

I also write about self-development and living better lives as an extension from mental health. I believe that if we are developing ourselves, growing, challenging ourselves, and trying to make our lives better, in turn, our mental health will be stronger, too.

So, here goes…

Help people

Of course, the first reason I write about mental health and self-development is to help people. No, not because I am some expert or because my life is so great and my MH is in tiptop condition. But because I believe that sharing any advice and tips can really help someone to make changes. If what I say gives someone an idea that then helps make their lives or their MH a little better, then job well done.

And the biggest reason is because it helps people feel less alone. When people came to my support group, they expressed how much they needed it because they felt so alone. Mental health issues can be so isolating. It’s not because you think you’re the only one with them, it’s because your mind cuts you off from the world and points out all the wrongs in your life.

But my words can be someone’s anchor to reality. All I can hope is that my words help people to realise they can cope, they can live good lives, they can change.

Help myself

It may not come as a shock to some but writing about mental health and self-development helps me, too. It’s like a way of teaching myself what I can do to get better. It’s like a form of journaling or therapy at times, too.

I find out techniques or information or I read something inspiring that makes me feel good or changes my mindset (if only briefly) or gives me hope, and so I pass it on through my website. Someone else helped me, so then I help you. Or I find something new I’m doing or thinking about helpful, and so I pass it on.

I believe that learning to cope with mental health issues or developing yourself is a journey; sometimes a long and arduous one. I’m bettering myself, my life, and my mind (slowly but surely) and I think it is only right to pass on any information that can help others, too, as I go on my own journey.

I’m all about lifting people up as we climb the mountain together, not being someone at the top of the mountain shouting to others who are struggling at the bottom.

Change worldviews

There are many in our society who are still so naive to think that mental health disorders aren’t real. That people with anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, Aspergers, or eating disorders (etc.) are just not handling their lives properly. That we need to just get over it. Fix our lives quietly. Stop talking about it. Just be happy. Stop being pathetic. Stop being so emotional and sensitive…I could go on but I’m nearly crying thinking about the things I’ve heard.

It is for this very reason that I will continue to talk about mental health as a whole – not just disorders and illness, but how tending to our minds is just as important as tending to our bodies.

It is a personal mission of mine to help change people’s views of mental health and finally remove the stigma for good.

If I don’t have a disorder that literally affects my physiology, then why do I have panic attacks when just hanging out with friends or family? That makes no sense. That is a fault in my mind, not me being “out of control of my life or too emotional.” Simple.

Educate

A big part of changing worldviews is education. I don’t blame the older generation for not knowing much about mental health because they were never educated about it. Heck, I wouldn’t have been educated about it unless I’d fallen ill myself or chose to study Psychology.

If what I write helps people understand certain things better, then great. I know I’ve already helped a number of people realise things about mental health that they never would have known otherwise.

Say the hard things

Life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is only damaging to us to ignore the hurt we feel or the weight we carry. I’ve seen what happens when people ignore it, and it often leads to suicide or thoughts of suicide. So no, I don’t think we should be quiet.

Speaking about mental health and my anxiety and depression has been the biggest healer for me. It has helped me bring it out into reality so that I can tackle it head on instead of silently fighting a battle in my mind that I have so often lost.

If my doing this helps others do it too, feel less alone, understand better, or make changes – then I will carry on.

Give a voice to the silent

Some people with mental health issues can’t talk about it. Either they’re scared to, or ashamed to, or it’s just too hard – I totally understand that. But somehow, I can. Even the ugly and embarrassing and hard to explain things. This is a gift that I wasn’t given by mistake and so it is my duty to speak for those who can’t. To speak and hope to inspire other’s to speak and share their truths, too.

And no, I’m not saying that everyone experiences these things in the same way – not at all. Our minds are all different and highly complex, and so are our lives, which means we can suffer mental health problems in a number of horrid ways. I share what I know from my own experiences and the experiences of those who have shared theirs with me.

It is for all of these reasons that yes, at times, my posts are filled with emotion. It is for these reasons that my posts may sometimes be “dark” or upsetting. It is for this reason that I can not stop writing about these things.

Again, I do not pretend to be an expert. Again, I do admit to writing emotionally driven posts. That’s because I am a highly sensitive person. I’m an empath, too, so I feel others’ pain and wish to alleviate it. These are gifts, though curses at times, that I use every week here on my blog.

If you need any help in bettering your mental health, or better coping with anxiety, depression, and stress, then my book “You’re As Mad As I Am” may be for you. Check it out here, and download a free sample to see what it’s all about.

If you want to hire me to write about mental health (or other), then don’t hesitate to get in touch!

Stages of Life

The stages of our lives can be very important to who we are or who we can become. I know that I’ve gone through many stages of life that have changed without my realising it – until I looked back and saw the transition.

But what’s so important about this? Why do they matter? Well, because they used to be who we are, but we’re not that person anymore. Some people can’t accept this, though, and will try to hold on to a stage of their lives that has long past. The image I have in mind is of a grown man working an office job who is a bit boisterous and loud and immature because he hasn’t let go of the past where they were the popular sportsman at school (as an example).

So, what can we do? We need to:

Accept these stages when we’re in them
Accept the stages when they pass
Learn from each stage of life
Be excited (not fearful) of stages yet to come

Here are the stages of my life, how I’ve noticed them, and what they may mean…

Athlete

I used to be an athlete. So much so, I was sure I’d be in the Olympics. Kelly Holmes was my idol, my inspiration. People would step back when they saw me stepping up to bat in rounders. People would look nervous when they saw me standing in line for the 100m or 200m sprints. I used to win the high jump but they would still higher the bar, again and again, to see how far I could go. I was a winner, always.

But that all changed.

I was around 16 when I decided sports and athletics wasn’t for me anymore. This A* Physical Education student was deciding she didn’t want to be that person anymore. Many were surprised, and so was I, but it felt right because I didn’t enjoy it anymore.

Academic

At the same time as being an athlete, I was an academic. Well, this became clearer once I had stopped being an athlete. I was intelligent, studious, hard-working, goal-oriented, and passionate about learning. I wasn’t the teacher’s pet, as I hated putting my hand up, but I often knew the answers. I always handed in my homework, and especially in my English lessons, I received high grades, extra work, and praise.

No one doubted my future.

I knew I’d go off to university and have the best time, learning amidst others who were thirsty for knowledge.

But this changed, too, after I dropped out of university – not once but twice.

Drifter

Of course, after dropping out of university I was very lost. I was unsure of my future. In no time at all, I’d gone from an academic who was sure about university and further education, to a lost drifter. Someone just going along with the motions.

It was a horrid stage in my life, but I needed it in order to grow; to transition. I learned a lot about myself in this time.

Starving Artist

This one was a weird one because I chose this stage. I changed the narrative of my life, by saying I was no longer a drifter but instead a “starving artist” who was working on her craft, trying to make it as a self-published author and avid blogger.

This was a much better title than “drifter” and though it was hard (very hard), it felt good.

Development/Transitioning

I guess the other stages were the “worker“. I’ve worked various jobs, whilst writing, and they were important in my development, too.

Since, and perhaps during, I have been in a place of development. A place between places, perhaps. A transitional space of uncertainty but of optimal growth and change, and chance, and trying too.

At the moment, I’m very much building myself. Sculpting myself. I’m trying new things, going out on my own, and testing the boundaries of who I am. I feel like a bud, hoping to blossom into a flower when finding the right conditions where I can grow. Or perhaps a caterpillar in chrysalis waiting for my time to sprout wings and fly.

Or maybe all of it has been my chrysalis all along, it is only now that I am aware of it…

Each of these things were important and are still a part of me, though they have passed. I can’t go back to being an athlete and I don’t intend on going back to being the drifter. But I’m still an athlete, somewhere deep down(!), and can become a fitness enthusiast in the future – perhaps. I can learn from the drifter times. I can channel my inner academic and bring that into my life now to spur me on to always be actively learning and educating myself. To continue being hard-working, studious and curious now with everything I do.

The stages of our lives aren’t mistakes. They are important to our development: who we are or can be. They aren’t a place of residence, either. You can’t force yourself back into that person, or turn around and go back to that stage. It doesn’t work like that. These things aren’t forced. As you can see from my stages, they happened when they happened. They came when the time was right. These stages happen naturally, more often than not, and if they’re right, the transition will be smooth.

Let these stages happen. Let them be what they are. Accept. If you’re not happy with a stage, though, trust that there will be another one. If you’re sad that a stage is coming to an end, trust that you have the power to change things should you need to or want to. And the next stage will greet you when the time is right.

 

 

How to Make Better Life Decisions

I don’t know about you, but I am rubbish at decision making! I nearly always second-guess myself and give myself a headache with all the overthinking *sigh*. Aside from pros and cons lists, decision making can be tough. And there’s been times when a pros and cons list just hasn’t been enough to help me with the decision.

So, how do we do it? I’ve come up with some ideas that I believe will help me (and hopefully you, too) to make better life decisions.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

Does the decision help me with my top three priorities in life right now? (beforehand, you will need to know your top 3 priorities. For example, mine are: Book Deal, Financial Independence, and Good Health)

Is it a positive challenge? A good out-of-my-comfort-zone step?

Is it going to be fun for ME?

Will it help me get out of my head, and be in life instead?

Is it morally right to do?

Will it bring me happiness and fulfillment?

Does it align with who I am and what I truly want?

What are my reasons behind it? “Don’t do something just because you’re afraid to do something else that’s scarier or harder.”

Am I deciding from a place of fear?

Am I doing it because someone else wants me to?

Will it help me on the road to who I want to be?

Does it make sense for right now?

Is it good for me? Good for my health?

Is it important? Important to me and/or for me?

Does the time, money, or energy it takes to do this worth it for the reward/end result?

What are my other options? Is there something more appropriate?

What is my current mindset right now? Should I trust my decision-making abilities?

Is this a decision just for me or does it involve others? Do I need help making this decision? (Be careful to always choose what’s best for you or fair when you do this, though)

What would the brave option be? If you were more confident, what would you choose?

Should I be making this decision logically or from a place of emotion?

Some other quick tips:

Make a pros and cons list (hey, it works sometimes!)
Ask for advice (from the right people, who have been there or who you trust)
Weigh up your options logically
Try the process of elimination
Use past experiences to help you (don’t make the same mistakes twice…or three times!)
Try to trick yourself – flip a coin to decide and see if you’re happy or disappointed by the outcome; this will show what you truly want to do

Good luck with your decision making. I hope you come to decide on the right thing for you!

x

Cheer for Yourself

I will be honest, this post comes from a place of upset and is emotionally driven – but I felt it would be important to share.

I look around my living room at home and you know what I see? Pictures of my brother’s graduation, my mother’s graduation, my sister’s trampolining and gymnastics competition photos, her trophies, and her certificates. Then there’s my…prom photos? Is the most important thing I’ve ever achieved finishing senior school and going to prom?

You may think I’m overreacting but as I write this post I’m in my grandparents’ living room, and as I look around it’s much of the same. Brother’s graduation, mother’s, cousins’, and aunt’s (wow, they’re all well-educated). Wedding photos, grandparents receiving an award (I admit to not knowing what for) and again, my sister in athletic competitions. There’s a new photo, too, of my sister in Thailand because this year she went there alone for a month – an amazing achievement.

But all I have displayed is the same prom photos.

And it hurts. It hurts to realise that I’m the “loser” of the family. The one who hasn’t done anything (in my family’s eyes) worth displaying.

I got bitter at one point a few months back, I admit. I put together a collage of my achievements – my self-published books, my website, my self-employment, going to Budapest alone, going to Africa, speaking at a mental health event, running my own event, my support group, etc. – and printed it off to put on the inside of my wardrobe door so that I’d see it and be proud of myself.

I never said to my mom that I felt sad that there was no display of my achievements. I decided I’d cheer for myself, instead.

And I stick by that, even now when I’m writing this post after realising my grandparents had no display of my achievements either. I’ve since moved this collage that I printed off, but I feel good for having done it. I needed to remind myself that I wasn’t the failure I thought I was.

So, I think we all could do with cheering for ourselves. There are things in life that seem like a big deal to everyone: graduating from university, getting a good job, winning competitions, making a lot of money, getting married, having children, going places not many have gone, and so on. But there are also things in life that will only be a big deal to you.

And you deserve to clap your hands and cheer for your own damn self.

If you’ve worked hard, if you’ve achieved something, if you have overcome something, if you are better than last year, if you have done something with your life – don’t wait for the applause from others. Sadly, it may never come.

Learn to love the sound of your own cheers. Learn to keep going with the motivation purely being “I know I’ll be so proud of myself when I do this.”

It will improve your mental health, your focus, your motivation, your dedication, your passion, and your vision. You’ll start doing things for you, and that will bring confidence in who you are and what you want.

Write a list of your achievements and look at it when you feel low or have self-doubt creeping in. Print off pictures like I did. Say to yourself every now and then “I’m proud of you, I really am.”

Don’t let validation from others be your driving force. Valid yourself and your achievements because they matter. You matter. You’re doing just fine.

If nothing else, I see you. I believe in you.

xx

P.s. I’m not saying my family don’t love me or appreciate my accomplishments. I was just speaking from the feelings I got when seeing others’ achievements displayed this way, and how it made me feel and how we all can feel when seeing other people’s achievements and not seeing the appreciation for our own.

Politically Correct

I just watched the episode of Explained on Netflix that’s about “Political Correctness” and so it inspired me to write my own post about it. Now, in this changing, ever-growing age that we live in, it can be hard to be politically correct. But the way I see it, as long as you’re open-minded and kind, you’ll do just fine.

If you use a word or phrase that someone takes offense to or calls you out on, don’t get upset or angry or defensive, instead ask for more information about it. See it from their point of view. Be kind. Don’t be ignorant and then let your ignorance offend people when you don’t even mean to! This is the easiest way to be politically correct and an overall kind person!

Here is a list of words and phrases that you should NOT use or should at least be careful with in today’s society:

(No offense is meant by these words, of course, I’m just listing words that I know of – by no means is this an extensive/complete list, and not for every country – that have caused offense or are outdated today)

Dyke
Faggot or Fag
Nigger (ER is a definite no and yes, people can tell the difference)
Nigga
Negro
Trannie
Blacks
Coloured
Half cast
Mongol
Shim
He-She
Lady-boy
Cracker
Insane
Tramp
Hobo
Paki
Cripple
Ghetto
Man up
Pussy
Lezza
Lesbo
Don’t be such a girl
Urban
Exotic
Fat
Girls (when used on grown women)
Boys (when used on grown men)
Illegal immigrant
Spaz or spastic
Retard
Real man
Cross-dresser
Real woman
Housewife
House-husband
He or she (some would prefer them or they or another pronoun)
Psycho
Foreigner
Bitches
Hoes
Where are you from?
Homosexual
Man-kind, Manpower, Fireman, Policeman, Postman (etc.) due to the “man”
Latino
Oriental
Tomboy
Boy-cut
Emo
Junkie
Dual heritage
Chink
Brown
Yellow-skin
White people
Thug
Gangster
Gypsie
Pikey
And many more…

(These were so hard to write)

Of course, it’s hard to be 100% correct when the world and the people in it are changing, evolving, and trying to be more inclusive. Keeping in the know, and understanding the words you’re using and their implications is a start, though. None of us will ever be 100% correct, I don’t think. It’s hard to never offend anyone. And, perhaps, there are some people who take “correctness” too far.

But just because something doesn’t offend you personally, doesn’t mean you have the right to dictate what does or does not offend other people.

Listen to their side, be kind, be understanding. You can agree to disagree, then simply not use those words in public or social media or to those people you know are offended by it.

Just, be a kind person and you should never have a real problem with political correctness.

In no way do I pretend to be an expert – I’m not. I’m just trying to be more inclusive, understanding, and fair myself and I feel we all should too. It’s all of our duty to help everyone feel at home in our world. Words can be enough to make others feel unheard, undervalued, shunned, or downright rejected and hated.

So, use your words wisely and knowingly.

Especially if you are a writer like me – your words are even more important.

“…speak no evil…”

Any more that I’ve forgotten? Leave them in the comments to help others understand.

Thank you.

How to Be a Better Storyteller

All writers are storytellers. Whether you are writing a novel or a blog post, you are essentially telling a story. But how do you become a better storyteller? How do you ensure that your narrative and characters aren’t dry and boring? How do you make it all feel real whether it is a non-fiction or fictional text? Well, here’s a few ways I think we can become better storytellers:

Research

Look things up! Don’t guess or assume, get the real facts and figures even if you don’t end up using them
Someone mentions something you don’t know anything about, google it! You never know when that knowledge may come in handy
If you know you’re writing about something that you yourself haven’t experienced first-hand, find that information instead. Writing about a different era? Go to a museum or get some books from the library – don’t assume and ruin the realism of the book

Read

Duh…to tell stories, you need to read stories
Read widely, expand your knowledge, as well as the number of stories you know to enrich your own
What works and what doesn’t? Why? Note pacing, character arcs, show-don’t-tell methods, dialogue etc.

Watch

Watch people; people watching is an important tool for any writer’s arsenal
Watch screen characters; scripts are a great way to see how dialogue and movement work in a narrative

Study

Always be learning, but also go over what you learn and notice in everyday life
Analyse your findings, what do they mean?
Narratives are often familiar, and this is crucial to a reader’s understanding. Breaking narrative rules can be good, but only when done well and whilst still appreciating the art of storytelling, so study this art beforehand
Study stories, don’t just consume them (films, TV, books, blogs, conversations…)

Converse

Your dialogue will be better and more realistic if you have conversations or really listen to conversations and pick up on how people actually speak and move when talking
Plus, people often talk about things we don’t experience for ourselves so train that listening ear

Witness

Immerse yourself in situations that occur in your books, and witness what actually transpires
In your book, a character is under the sea? Great, go scuba diving or snorkelling or at least to the sea life centre to see what under the sea is actually like

Ask

Ask people questions: how was your childhood, where are you from, what was losing your partner like, what did you do before this, etc.
Asking questions of real people helps you to know what your characters would do when going through the same circumstances. Don’t assume you know; find out for real
Use social media to ask questions and get rich data to spur on your ideas

Practice

A good storyteller tells stories often; they don’t just write one and gain that title
Work with writing prompts, do writing sprints and writing exercises; flex those storytelling muscles by practising often

Rewrite

Don’t be afraid to rewrite a scene; sometimes if it’s not feeling great, it isn’t enough to edit parts – bite the bullet and just rewrite it all together with what you now know

Experiment

Try out new narrative structures, choose less obvious character arcs and relationships, try out unknown settings and just see what happens – even if they fail, it often teaches us something to use later on

A quick few more: 

Avoid cliches, or use them well
Read scripts to understand dialogue better
Take classes and courses – there’s always more to learn!
Explore the unknown; be curious
Try things for yourself before putting it in the story
Use history, philosophy, psychology, science, mythology (etc.) to aid in depth and understanding
Misdirection is cool; use those twists with prowess
Toy with the absurd

This was a short list, but those are my methods for enriching your storytelling abilities (mostly as novelists). If you have any other ways that you think storytelling can be made better, please leave your comments below!

Happy storytelling, fellow writers!