S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 67

Why We Need Sadness

Most of us don’t like feeling sad. It’s one of the emotions that are branded as “negative” and so we avoid feeling it. In fact, we avoid it so much that we deny it. We pretend we’re fine when we’re not. We’d sooner lie about it than tell anyone the truth of how we feel. For some reason, our society doesn’t give enough credit to sadness.

This I find odd and fascinating. Yes, sadness doesn’t feel good, but does that mean it’s unimportant? Does that mean it should be hidden? Happiness and sadness are seen as opposites, but they’re both perhaps the most common emotions that we will all feel constantly throughout our lives. So, what does sadness do for us?

Let’s discuss…

 

Loneliness & Connection

Some of us are busy living, so much so we forget about the people in our lives. We’re doing this thing or that thing, and time passes without spending time with those we care about.

However, we do eventually notice this when we start to feel off. When we get sad because we realise that we’re feeling lonely. This is an important thing for us to feel. Without it, how would we be alerted to our relationships and how they’ve been slipping?

This is how sadness serves us. It is an indicator that something is wrong. It forces us to lift our heads and realise that we don’t have people around us. And then, most of us will rectify this. We will reach out to friends and loved ones and reconnect. It’s a human thing to seek connection, and so sadness helps to keep us tied to this natural need.

 

Alerts

As I briefly mentioned, feeling sad helps us to realise that something may be wrong. That something needs our attention, either externally or internally. Feeling sad about something helps us to realise what matters to us.

Becoming sad when you didn’t get the job you wanted shows how much you really wanted it. That you really cared about it. And so, you will try again. Or, if you don’t feel sad, you realise that maybe you didn’t want it like you thought you did.

Feeling sad when we fight with loved ones shows us that we value them in our lives, and it helps us to remember that savouring the relationship is more important than winning an argument.

If you’re sad every day at your job, that is also an indicator that something is wrong and you need to fix it or find a new place to work.

Without feeling sad, we may miss things in our lives. We may prioritise the wrong things. We may make the wrong decisions. We may misunderstand our core values or needs.

 

Introspection

I think many of us can agree that we are more likely to introspect when in low moods. When something feels off. This is because, naturally, we go looking for answers as to why we’re feeling this way.

This is how sadness is serving us. When we feel sad, we look within to seek answers. I believe that our inner selves hold all the answers, but not enough of us think to look within. Not in the Western world, anyway. And so, sadness comes along and somewhat forces us to do so. This can then bring on epiphanies and truths that just may change the path of our lives.

Introspection is also a key part of being a creative person, especially a writer, I’d say. Art nearly always includes a part of the creator. We put ourselves into our work; we convey the stories and messages of our own heart. And so, without introspection, we may not tap into this key part of the artistic process. Therefore, sadness perhaps helps the artist along their road.

*I’m not saying artists need to be sad to make good art. I hate that this seems to be a belief for some people! Read my post about false creative beliefs for more info.*

 

Empathy

I think sadness is a powerful connector. Not because when we’re sad we all band together (it’s usually the opposite). But I have experienced unparalleled connections with people who can relate to my sadness; who can relate to my personal pain. This is empathy: Emotional understanding of another’s experiences or feelings.

Yes, we can feel happy and connect with other people’s happiness, but I think that it is stronger and more beautiful when you can connect to and understand someone’s sadness. Because sadness can be isolating. It can make you feel alone and like something is wrong with you.

So, when someone comes along and empathises with you, that feels like a breath of fresh air; it feels like hope. And there is no greater connector.

 

Pause

Being sad can slow us down. When we are happy, we are often energetic and busy and content to just go, go, go. As a contrast, I think sadness comes along to slow us down. To make us stop and think and take inventory of our lives.

Sadness forces us to look around and see our lives through a different lens; from a different perspective. When in autopilot, or in a honeymoon-like period in our lives, we can become narrow-sighted. We can miss things that aren’t quite right.

Sadness comes along to then say, “Hey, did you notice that you haven’t looked after yourself properly in a while?” or “Did you notice that your partner hasn’t said a nice thing to you for a long time?”

Similar to my other points, sadness makes us pause, pick up on what’s going on around us, look within, and then make changes. If Happiness is a motivator to go, go, go, then Sadness is a motivator to pause, breathe, and make a change.

Which I think we can all agree is important and needed at key times in our lives. We can’t always be on the move and be blind to the truth.

 

There you have it, some reasons why Sadness is important in our lives; how it serves us for good reasons. So, don’t hide from it. Don’t try to fix it. Don’t force happiness. Let sadness do what it came to you to do. It is a very important emotion that means you no harm.

If I missed anything, please add your thoughts in the comments below!

 

I always think about Inside Out, the Pixar film, when I talk about emotions and what they do for us. I think that for many of us, just like in the film, we want Joy (happiness) to take the wheel. We want all happy emotions and experiences and memories.

But as the film suggests, that’s not real life. Especially as we get older, we will experience more of a mixture of emotions. And none of them are bad or good. None of them seeks to hurt us.

Each emotion has a role to play in making us well-rounded.

They all help balance us and help with things like: decision making, connection, motivation, attention, personality, growth, change, and more.

So, let all the emotions do their jobs at the appropriate times.

The Villains In Our Lives

In life, and in stories, there are often perceived villains: things or people that cause conflict and pain. In regards to stories, I find the most interesting ones to be when there is no villain. No one that we can see, anyway.

Today, I wanted to discuss villains in regards to our own lives and what it can mean for us…

 

When the villain is your parents or upbringing

This is a big one. A common one. For many people, in their lives, their parents (or parental figure) and/or their upbringing is a cause of pain and suffering.

Maybe your mother didn’t love you enough. Maybe your father was critical and judgemental. Maybe they didn’t support you. Maybe they gave you nothing but misery. Maybe they beat you. Maybe they left you.

It is common for parents to be villains because these people are typically meant to nurture and guide us. When they, of all people, fail to do so, it hurts us perhaps worse than anything else ever could.

And it sticks. This pain lasts throughout our lives. The scars left in us from childhood become feelings, thoughts, and behaviours in adulthood affecting everything else.

 

When the villain is the past

Just like with our upbringing, past events have a way of lingering. The events echo throughout the rest of our lives, making moving forwards difficult or impossible.

This is what PTSD is. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. The events of one’s past can be traumatic, leaving ghosts within us that manifest and eat at us for the rest of our lives.

This villain is big and black but invisible to the rest of the world. And that’s perhaps the worst kind of villain to face.

 

When the villain is your circumstance

For many of us, we just don’t have enough money to be happy. We were robbed of our chance to get a good education or a good job. We are living an unhappy life with shoddy circumstances and every day is a battle with that villain. The villain of environment and circumstance.

When all around you, every day, you are reminded of your pain, life can be tough. Looking out the window is a struggle. Looking at your family is a struggle. And thinking about the future is just too daunting; besides, it’s hopeless anyway. Because you’re stuck in the mud, or perhaps stranded out at sea, with no sight of solid land.

 

When the villain is your peers

This one seems the simplest. If someone is bad, you get rid of them. You leave them, right? If you are someone who has a person who you perceive to be your villain, you may know that it’s often not that simple.

Because what if they’re a family member? The mother of your child? Your boss? It suddenly becomes a little more complicated. Why? Because how you deal with that villain could affect other people or your place in a system that you need (your family or workplace). It could lead to further suffering and unknown challenges.

 

When the villain is you

This one makes me think of Bojack Horseman. Bojack is the villain of his own show and his own story. He creates all his problems, pain, and suffering.

So what happens when you look all around, but the truth is you are the only villain in your life? You are what is wrong with you. You are what’s bad.

For some, this is liberating. It means at least you are in control of making the change. But as we see with Bojack, it’s hardly ever that simple. Because surely there’s an underlying reason as to why you are your villain in the first place.

Then what do you do when you don’t know that reason or how to confront it?

 

What if there was no villain?

Sometimes, we can image villains where there aren’t any. Sometimes, we look for someone or something to blame in life, thus making a villain out of nothing. The truth is, it’s easier to have a known villain. Something to pin blame to; something obvious to conquer (no matter how difficult).

“Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t,” they say

So what happens when there is no real villain? Well, we are forced to take responsibility and make choices to move forward by ourselves. Which is, I think you’d agree, rather difficult to do at times.

Troubles can come when we go looking for villains. It was my mother’s fault for not loving me, it was my teacher’s fault for failing me, it was my anxiety’s fault for making me afraid, and so on. The sad thing is, we’re all very good at doing this. We’re good at finding villains and some of us, even fool ourselves into believing our own personal, self-made narrative of events.

At the end of the day, whether someone or something did harm you in any way, doesn’t matter. The blame does not matter. The only two things that matter are: how you perceive the situation, and how you react to it.

What do you choose to see when you look at your pain, circumstance, or villain?

How do you choose to react to this situation and move forwards?

There is a difference between pain and suffering. One is inevitable, the other is a choice.

It is a fact of life that we will all experience pain. Abuse or bullying, rejection, failure, loss, fear, heartbreak, and so on; these are all inevitable. But whether these things consume us or not is our choice.

We can choose to suffer or not.

For example, both Oprah Winfrey and Maya Angelou (two women I admire) were sexually abused as children. This, I think you’ll agree, is a horrific, painful thing to experience, nevermind as a child.

But both of these women made a choice in the end. They chose not to let it define them, and not to let it break them. They rose from the ashes, took charge of their lives, and not only survived but thrived.

They had villains, but they defeated them with their attitude towards it.

 

Conclusion

So, whether you are thinking about your own life and your own perceived villains, or whether you are writing a story and you’re thinking about who or what the villain should be, I hope you take this post’s ideas into account.

Villains can manifest in all sorts of ways, but at the end of the day, story or real life, the only way to defeat a villain it to confront how it is perceived and how you choose to react to it.

Because the fact is, many of us will go through the same things or confront the same villains; so, why do some of us defeat them while others don’t?

Perceptions and choices, that’s what it boils down to.

 

I would never aim to take away from your pain. I’d never aim to say that you have no right to be suffering. And of course, as someone who has dealt with mental illness, I know that suffering does come and take our choices away from us at times.

But we do have control. We do. Even in the depression, even in the anxiety, even in the darkest places of our lives. We do have a choice. We can choose to want to get better. We can choose to want to be happy. We can choose to try.

Does that mean that the depression or anxiety or bad times will just go away? No. But in choosing to try to fix it, we are taking the necessary first steps on the road to something brighter. And we are throwing the first punch at a villain that can be defeated in the end.

I used to look at my anxiety and see a lifelong hindrance that would mean I’d never find love, experience anything good, or be happy. Now, I see a struggle that I have to face almost daily, but also the strength and resilience that it gives me, too.

And despite my anxiety, I have done many things that 5 years ago, I never would have imagined for myself. I chose not to let the anxiety stop me. I let it come with its whispers (sometimes shouts), but then I tell the anxiety that it was not allowed to take the wheel. It is not allowed to win in the end.

It may win battles, but I’ll win the war.

This is how our perceptions can lead to a different result. This is how our choices produce a different result. Even when the villain remains the same.

Identity: Past, Present and Future

*Part of the Identity Series*

For a long time, and sometimes even now, I wanted to be a teacher. I now realise the reason for this was because I wanted to hold on to the school setting forever. For some reason, school has always seemed like a place of comfort to me.

Don’t get me wrong, school wasn’t easy. Having Social Anxiety made it very difficult, so did the depression, and so did being an introvert with extroverted friends. I was also the token Ugly friend alongside being the token Black friend – as a Mixed Race girl.

But alas, I enjoyed school as a whole. And I still admire that setting and yearn for it.

I decided to ask myself why that is, and here’s what I came up with: I wanted to hold onto the Past…

 

The Past

 

The Past Seems Greener

I heard somewhere that the majority of us look back at the past and remember it to be better than it actually was. Thinking about it, I can see this to be true for myself. I look at my childhood and school days fondly. But perhaps I’m remembering it as better than it was.

We can feel depressed when looking back too often. We wish to be back in school, or doing what we used to do. I think people can run back to old relationships for this reason, too. They remember it as better than it was.

But we can’t ever go back. And trying to is only setting ourselves up for misery and disappointment.

Instead, if we can realise that perhaps the past wasn’t as green and rosy as we think it was, perhaps we can make peace with the fact that it’s gone.

 

Who We Used to Be

We can also remember who we used to be and long to be that person again. I wish I was slim again. I wish I was athletic, more confident, and intelligent like I used to be. My identity back then may not have been formed or even understood, but when I look back, it seems better.

But this is a tainted perspective. It is false.

Who we were back then will always seem so much better or worse than it actually was. We can hardly ever gain an accurate representation of who we really were.

Just like we cannot relive moments in the past, we can’t go back to being who we used to be either. Or rather, we can’t force that. We are ever-growing beings. We learn, we change, we adapt. This is a good thing and you should never doubt who you are now by comparing it to your past Self.

 

Everything Ahead of Us

I think the biggest reason for our need to look to the Past with desire is because when we were young, we were filled with endless possibilities. We didn’t yet have a set path. We could be anything.

Our youth was a time when we were confused and scared about who we were, yes, but at the same time that meant we could be anything, which was exciting. And that is better than how it feels now in my twenties. The options seem like less. I’ve started on my road and switching lanes doesn’t seem as easy as it used to be.

If our life is viewed as a road, then in adulthood, we are already along on our journey. But in the past when we were younger, the journey was still stretched out far ahead. We hadn’t really started driving yet. Though that was scary, it also meant we hadn’t yet made mistakes or decided anything.

And I think that’s very alluring and is why the Past beckons…

 

The Present

The Present time, the Now, seems sort of mystical. We can point to the Past with ease and we can talk about the Future in almost the same way, but there is a lot of distaste and confusion with the Present.

Why?

Because most of us are not present in the Present. Our minds, as I say, are either in the Past or worried about the Future…

 

Satisfaction

Most of us are not satisfied with our Present situations. Either we yearn for what we used to have and who we used to be (the Past); or we are waiting for this Future situation or person who we will be.

We’re so busy looking behind or ahead that we barely have time to be at least satisfied with what is right beside us and within us. Eckhart Tolle talks about The Power of Now and I truly believe that there is power in the Now. Yet most of us don’t seek it.

 

Reality

The reason for our dissatisfaction is because reality sucks. The Past seems greener so looking back is tempting. And then the Future, though scary, can also seem like it will be so much better, and so again, it’s tempting to look to and live for this fantasy future ideal.

But we must be in reality. Logically, there is no other time than the Now. The past is gone and no longer exists. The Future is unattainable because when we get to “the Future,” it will be the Now! So in reality, we must be right here, right now.

 

Identity

The only way to gain a real sense of Identity, I think, is to look to who you are right now. Not who you used to be, for that no longer matters. Not who you hope to be, because that steals time and happiness from you. But instead who you are in this present moment.

Mistakes, imperfections, scars and all: who are you in this present moment?

There is no other You that matters. There is no other You that you can be today. Fighting against yourself doesn’t work.

Yearning for who you used to be, or hating yourself for who you used to be, does not change who you are right now. Yearning for the fantasy image of who you want to be, or worrying that you will never be anything better, again, doesn’t change who you are right now.

You must accept who you are to then love who you are to then gain a sense of personal identity that can blossom. To adapt and grow naturally as you live your life from a healthy perspective in the Present moment, always.

 

The Future

As aforementioned, the Future doesn’t exist; in that, you can never reach the Future for once you’re there, it will be your Present. Therefore, I think it is illogical to live for the future. To worry about, plan for, or put energy into a future life or a future you…

Control

I get why we look to the Future. We always want to better ourselves, or the ambitious among us want to keep working towards goals and dreams that will, of course, push them to think about their future.

All natural, all normal.

However, looking to the future and planning for it or obsessing over what it could be, does steal time from you. You miss out on the gift of the Now. Of who you are in the growing, learning, changing space of time within your life right now.

And this is a special, beautiful time. The space between who you used to be and who you will later become is called YOUR LIFE. That means that if you wish to skip forwards, you’re actually asking to skip your life.

Doesn’t sound too good, does it?

You may be dissatisfied with your life or who you are. I get it, I am too sometimes. But the person you are isn’t less worthy than who you may later become. Because as a whole, all of it is you. All of it.

The past, the present, and the future. Who you were, who you are, and who you may become. All of it is you, and all of it isn’t you.

But the only one that can truly count is the You that you are right now.

So yes, we look on towards the Future because we feel like we must control the outcome. We must be planning for it in order to make it the right thing. But in life, you can’t control or plan for everything and trying to do so only sets you up for a fail.

 

Uncertainty

Of course, there is a lot of fear about the Future. They say those who are depressed live in the Past and those who are anxious live in the Future. This to me seems somewhat accurate.

Because the future is uncertain and unknown which is terrifying for many of us.

I think our need for control stems from our fear. We’re afraid of a bad future, so we must control our lives to ensure that doesn’t happen. We want to be perfect people in the future, so we must obsess and strategise to make that happen, right?

Wrong.

Yes, the Future is uncertain and unwritten. But I think if we trust ourselves then we will be OK. With self-awareness and trust, we can only ever do and be what is right for us; but that does always depend on the Present moment, not the Future.

 

Possibilities

The Future is like Schrodinger’s Cat, it both is and isn’t whatever we envision it to be. Only once we get there and open the box can we know for sure what it will be. Therefore, doesn’t it seem sort of illogical to obsess about the future as much as we do? Especially our future selves?

The Future is full of endless possibilities for all of us and in one way, that’s scary; but more importantly, it should be comforting. It means that we can do or be anything. Life is abundant for those with an open mind.

The way I see it, we should look at the possibilities of the Future as a comfort that allows us to breathe, let go of the need to control, and just focus on the Now. Do what we’re doing now with all our attention. Be who we are now with intention and authenticity. And trust that your life (not your future) will be all that you want it to be naturally.

Because we can never envision our lives as they will actually occur. We can’t plan for it. All we can do is trust, let go, and live now.

 

Conclusion

We must focus our energy on our Present selves. No other “version” of us matters as much as the Present one does.

By putting our energy into who we are right now, we will ensure that we are who we want to be. We will then be able to live to the fullest; live with intention and authenticity. We will be able to be our best selves because we only care about who we are today.

Because in truth, all we have is a long set of Todays. So if you are trying to be another You that is not the Present one, you are living a fantasy.

Bring yourself back to reality. See the beauty that is already within you. Accept and love yourself, and allow openness and trust into your life. Then, you can’t go wrong. Then, your sense of personal identity will be one that you find happiness in.

Stress Awareness Month: Let’s Talk Stress

April is Stress Awareness Month, and so I wanted to talk all about stress: what it is, how it affects us, why we get stressed, and how we can prevent it…

 

What is Stress (really)?

In one word, I would link stress to overwhelm. It is when you’re doing too much or thinking about too much or you’re overcome with emotions and feelings that are harming you.

Stress has a bad rep, but in small doses, it is important for healthy functioning. That is, as I say, in small doses. It helps keep you on your toes, be alerted to dangers, face difficulties, and so on. Adrenaline is linked with stress (just as it is with anxiety), giving us a Fight or Flight response. It helps us tackle things head on or run to save ourselves (simply put).

Stress becomes unhealthy when it is too much. When it piles on and spills over. Stress can affect us on an emotional, physical, mental, and behavioural level in many ways.

 

High levels of stress can cause:

Irritability
Lack of sleep
Lack of concentration or focus
Racing heart
Strained relationships and communication
Constant worrying
Tension and pain
Acne or spot breakouts
Bad stomach and digestion
Anxiety
Sweating
Lowered immune system and sickness
Over or under eating (appetite changes)
Turning to bad habits or vices
Low sex drive
Depression and/or anxiety
Fertility problems
Risk of heart attack
High blood sugar or blood pressure
Missed periods
Breathing problems

 

How to spot unhealthy levels of stress:
Fatigue and loss of energy

This is perhaps the first thing one thinks of when considering stress. Our bodies and our minds become tired. Overworked and drained. We suddenly feel much weaker. Tension grows in our bodies and our minds, causing pain and irritation and vulnerability.

 

Disinterest in your usual interests

If you find yourself not wanting to do what you usually do, it might be a sign of high levels of unhealthy stress. It may be that you’re overwhelmed to the point of tiredness and fatigue. So much so, you’d rather do nothing. Or so much so, you lack interest or enjoyment in most things.

 

Panic

If you find yourself panicking more than you used to, and in unnecessary situations, then it could be that you are highly stressed. Stress and overwhelm is linked to anxiety and panic. Our minds and our bodies are so high-strung that they see dangers all around that aren’t really there.

This is due to the Adrenaline I mentioned earlier. If we are stressed too often (or constantly) then our Adrenaline doesn’t settle. Our bodies are filled with the Fight or Flight response, meaning our bodies are geared up to tackle dangers. But when dangers aren’t there, this causes a negative effect. The rigid muscles aren’t being used and the sharpened mind isn’t focused on anything dangerous, and so it panics instead.

 

Avoidance

Avoiding tasks, responsibilities, people, or places can be a sign of stress, too. Procrastination comes when a person has too much to do or too much to think about. When our to-do lists are too long, day in day out, we can become so stressed that we just avoid it altogether.

 

Being snappy or irritable

Stress means being high-strung. You become tense or tired, which leads to being snappy, quick to anger, and irritable. Your emotions run higher, meaning you feel things more deeply and things that wouldn’t usually bother you, quickly do.

 

Headaches and pains

If you’ve been experiencing frequent headaches and pains in your body, it could be the stress. It causes our muscles to become tense or weak. Our brains become tired and aggravated, leading to headaches and lack of concentration.

[image error]Stress can feel like you’re drowning…

 

Why do we get stressed?

But why do we get stressed? Where does it come from? What should we avoid to ensure stress remains low? Here are some ideas:

Decisions

I’ve felt very stressed when I’ve had decisions to make. Big decisions. There is such a thing as Decision Fatigue, where we’ve made so many decisions that our minds become tired and stressed out by them. Or, when we have a decision to make that is hard or involves too many options, it can also stress us out.

This is not to say that you must avoid making decisions to avoid stress; that’s impossible! But you could avoid unnecessary decisions, or become better at decision-making.

 

Overworked and Burnt-Out

Of course, this is an obvious one. If you are taking on too much work, or you’re doing more than you can handle, then you may become stressed. A long to-do list does not a happy person make. We’re not supposed to be switched on to GO, GO, GO all the time.

 

Overwhelmed

Similar to being overworked, we can get overwhelmed which leads to stress. Overwhelmed by people, places, work, projects, tasks, decisions, problems, or other. Having too much going on around us, or when the world (and ourselves) expects too much from us, we can get stressed.

 

Lack of trust or self-esteem

Facing problems in life is inevitable. We will all encounter things that are troublesome or downright awful. But I think the stress only comes when we don’t trust ourselves to solve the problem or get through the bad circumstance.

This is overly simple, I know, but trust in oneself and one’s abilities means you needn’t ever get too stressed by problems or difficult situations.

 

The Unexpected

When things happen that we’re not ready for or don’t expect, we can get stressed. All of a sudden, there’s this change or new thing we must deal with, and it knocks us sideways. The unknown, change, and the unexpected can all lead to feeling stressed, worried, and overwhelmed.

 

Fear

The last big cause of stress is fear. Being afraid is linked with anxiety, but I think it’s also linked with stress. With fear, the Adrenaline comes (the Fight or Flight response). And so, the reaction for stress is the same as it is for fear.

If we are afraid for a long time, we can become stressed because the Adrenaline remains high, rather than reducing and sending the body back into a normal, relaxed state. If the Central Nervous System is constantly on high alert, due to fear or other, then the body will become stressed, tense, anxious, and weak.

 

What to do to prevent unhealthy levels of stress:
Prioritise

The first tip to prevent stress is to always prioritise tasks, responsibilities, and people. None of us are capable of doing it all, so stop trying to! Have a general rule that you stick to which helps you to prioritise.

What matters most? What is important right now? What are you capable of doing right now? 

Have priorities and you shouldn’t overwhelm yourself. Then once your priorities are set, stick to them and make peace with whatever doesn’t get done.

 

Time Management

Similar to prioritising, you must become better at managing your time. Some people find themselves stressed and overwhelmed because they procrastinate or have a poor idea of how long things take.

Good time management includes:

Priorities
Knowing which tasks are best done at what points for you personally (e.g. you work best in the morning and so you do high-priority tasks in the morning)
Organisation: to-do lists, time blocking, batching tasks, etc.
Knowing yourself and how you operate day-to-day
Discipline

 

Self-Discipline

As I say, discipline is a key part of getting things done effectively. If you can get things done effectively, you shouldn’t get too stressed too often. So, wake up at an appropriate time. Use your time wisely. Don’t watch that YouTube video when you know you should be doing something else!

Be self-motivated; be the boss of your schedule.

 

Say No

It’s simple, if you say No more often, you will have fewer things that you have to do. I know it’s hard, but NO is a complete sentence. As an adult, you shouldn’t have to explain yourself. If you don’t want to do something, or you can’t, just say No. Don’t give yourself added stress.

 

Self-Care

Of course, if you look after yourself, then you will be stressed less even when life gets tougher.

Self-Care means:

Having time for breaks and downtime
Looking after your body and mind: good hygiene, look good, read, be mindful, exercise etc.
Having quiet, peaceful time
Ensuring tasks are completed so they don’t weigh on you
Have a structure or routine that feels good to you
Speaking about your problems
Making time for yourself
Doing more of what makes you feel good

 

Compartmentalisation

There is a certain amount of compartmentalisation that goes along with a good Work-Life balance. You need to be able to leave work at work and have home stay at home. This means no bringing stresses from work home with you into your personal relationships. And vice versa.

It’s a really tricky thing to do, but if you can keep parts of your life separate, it should help reduce stress.

 

Mindfulness

When we are fully present in the present moment, we are calmer. Stress comes when thinking about tasks you need to do, or responsibilities, or the future, generally. So, bring yourself into the Now. Be present. Be intentional about what you are doing and why.

How to be mindful:

Intentional breathing; keen attention paid to breathing
Use your five senses in the moment: what can you see, smell, hear, feel, and taste?
Wherever you are, or whatever you’re doing, do it with your full attention
Mindfulness is quite simply: Attention and awareness in the present moment

 

Get help

Lastly, don’t be afraid to get help when you need it. Speak up when things are too much, share tasks, and get emotional support. Allow others to support you.

As they say, “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

 

So, this Stress Awareness Month (and every day!), be aware of your stress and the stress of others. Don’t brush it aside as normal. Don’t ignore the signs. You can help yourself and others, so do! There’s no need to suffer.

 

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Resources:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/understanding-stress/

https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/symptoms-of-stress

https://www.healthline.com/health/stress/effects-on-body#1

 

24 Life Lessons: 24th Birthday

1 – I am not a fixed person. I can be, do, and think many different things in many different ways and that’s OK.

2 – Just because someone doesn’t understand you, or you them, does not mean there’s anything wrong.

3 – I’ve accepted that who I am and who I aspire to be may not be understood by all. That what I want and value is valid and mine to define. I basically accept who I am and love that person without looking to be like others.

4 – I’m finally excited by the future instead of scared of it. I think most of us can have a poor perception of the longevity (or brevity) of life. I’m finally more comfortable with my present circumstances and I trust and look forward to the future while accepting and utilising the now.

5 – Better to be alone than lonely in the wrong crowd.

6 – It’s ok to not be doing what others are doing; it’s ok to think differently.

7 – I am more capable than I realise.

8 – Things can change so fast.

9 – “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you are right.”

10 – “You can buy as many things as you want but it will never make you happy.”

11 – When in doubt, just read or go for a walk.

12 – I have more good people in my life than I realise. I must remember to be aware and be grateful for that.

13 – You can’t force anything: not happiness, not relationships, not inspiration.

14 – We as a species are so much more complex than we could ever image; labels and what we think we are could never truly define us.

15 – Being a creative person with big dreams is hard, but I wouldn’t ask for anything else.

16 – Time ticks by no matter what you do.

17 – When we’re busy, we don’t see the treasure that is right in front of us. I must remember to be present, aware, mindful, and intentional.

18 – Money is just not as important as anything else. As long as you’re safe, count your blessings.

19 – Treasure the older generation, they have a lot left to give. Storytime with your grandparents is an unmatched joy.

20 – The biggest cause of unhappiness is looking over the fence at other people’s gardens and being dissatisfied with your own garden. (The garden is your life!)

21 – You are what you consume. Be that negative people’s bitchin’, bad tv shows, bad books, or bad food.

22 – “We are the choices we make.” It is our actions that determine who we are.

23 – Mistakes or failures or shoddy circumstances are not a life sentence.

24 – Life will always be so much more abundant and special than my mind can fathom. And that should bring you comfort, always.

“Write What You Know”

I wanted to quickly unpack this piece of writing advice: “Write what you know“.

I’ve heard it so many times before and I used to think, “Well, that’s stupid. I’m writing a fantasy, and so I can’t write what I know. I’ve never been to a fantasy world or fought in wars!”

Oh, Siana, how wrong you were.

This statement, this advice, shouldn’t be taken so literally. It doesn’t mean write the plot that you know. Like something you’ve done. It means that you should write from a personal place…

 

Experiences

Write what you’ve been through. So, whether that’s lost love, failed ventures, or poverty, you can put these into any kind of story. And it doesn’t need to be negatives or struggles, either. It can be education, travel, reinventing yourself, or daring to chase a dream. Whatever!

What you have experienced is personal and important. It means that you will be able to write this story with real authenticity because you’ve felt it firsthand. This will enrich the narrative and really hit home for the reader. The plot or setting or genre doesn’t matter, but personal experience is something you should draw from.

 

Emotions

Put real feelings and emotion into the story. Write about how you’ve felt. How it felt to be rejected; how it felt to lose your father. Use the deep emotional experiences you’ve had; tap into them and put them on the page. It will bring your story to life.

In Monsters Inc. the plot may be about Sully and Mike hiding a human child who jeopardises their world. But in reality, the essence of the story is about a man becoming a father figure and choosing to put the child first. One of the writers even said that he was becoming a dad at the time and so he put that experience and those emotions into the story. The fantastical plot is beside the point.

 

Trials

We all go through challenges in our lives. Be that in love, finances, friendships, education, careers, or other. Thinking about how it felt to face those trials, what you did, and the results can help you to write a story with depth. It’s emotion and experience matched with character building (you being the character in this scenario).

 

Personal Narrative

When I finally thought about my personal narrative, I realised that I had a good story inside of me to tell. Not the whole “British girl wanna-be writer” story, but the story of one’s search for identity, belonging and meaning. These are now at the heart of my current work.

As an introvert surrounded by extroverts, I’ve often felt out of place. As someone with Social Anxiety, I’ve always struggled to form real relationships. As a writer, I spend time in solitude wearing the skins of many characters, meaning I lack connection to the outside world at times and struggle with my own identity.

And so, this is my story to tell. This is how I write what I know.

All the pain, the struggles, the ups and downs, the misunderstandings, the connections, the frustrations, self-doubt, fear…all of it just comes together to form a narrative. My story.

Now I could have chosen to write this story of identity and belonging in any world, location, or genre. Many people have done before. But by tapping into the real story I want and need to tell, and writing what I know, my story has real substance, emotion, and drive unlike any I’ve written before.

 

So, if you are a beginner, or like me you took this advice the wrong way, then I hope I’ve helped you look at it a little differently. Because I now believe that yes, we should aim to write what we know.

Judged Lifestyle Choices & Personal Identity

*Part of the Identity Series*

What is a Lifestyle Choice?

Lifestyle Choice definition: “a choice a person makes about how to live and behave, according to their attitudes, tastes, and values.”

A choice or decision that affects how they live their life and their own personal identity.

 

Some lifestyle choices that are judged by society:
Tattoos & Piercings

This is a big one for anyone born before the Millennial generation. They look at a heavily tattooed person and think that they have made poor life choices. That they will regret their tattoos once they are older.

Whether they come to regret their tattoos or not, tattoos aren’t dirty, ugly, or the mark of a criminal or degenerate. Tattoos are an art-form; a form of self-expression. Many people get tattoos, so why is it a bad thing only when a person has many or when they are clearly visible?

Again, I think it comes from the past and outdated ideals. In the past, people with tattoos were likely to be in a gang, fresh out of prison, or perhaps a sailor or navy soldier. However, we’ve moved way past that now. Tattoos are easily accessible and beautiful. They may have come from cultures or to mark a certain community in the past, but not anymore.

To judge someone based on their tattoos is to judge them based on their appearance. Which, as we all know, is not a good thing. People have an inside that you will never know if you push them away based on their exterior.

The clothes someone wears, how they style their hair, or what is imprinted on their skin (and whatever colour that skin may be), does not in any way dictate who the person is on the inside.

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Anything but a 9-5 working life

This is a big one too! People can’t wrap their head around any other lifestyle but the full-time 9-5 (at least). If you’re rich, then yes, that’s fine; but if not, what the hell are you doing with your life?

Firstly, it may come as a shock but a lot of people value things other than money. If we all really truly thought about it, I bet we wouldn’t need quite as much money as we think we do. It’s the culture of “more more more” that encourages us to make more money and get more things.

Minimalists don’t need many things. Therefore, they don’t need a lot of money. Therefore, they may work fewer hours.

The same goes for those who live in shared housing. It cuts down on bills and rent, which means they need to make less money in order to live their life.

Or people who live on the road. They may not have a home at all, which seems odd to most, but if it works for them, who are we to judge? Without a home and bills, again, it cuts the cost of spending right down.

Did you know that it is much cheaper to rent a place in, say, Thailand than it is in the UK or USA? And if you did, you definitely wouldn’t need a 9-5. Hmmm…

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No kids

Funnily enough, you are able to not have kids and still live a happy, fulfilling life! I want kids, but if my friend didn’t want them, that’d be OK too. Because having kids is a lifestyle choice. It is. But for some reason, not many think of it that way.

Think about it, once you have children, your entire life changes. You can no longer do things on a whim; you must consider your child first. Their health and happiness will naturally always come first.

You can’t hop on a plane to New Zealand for two months. You have a child a home who needs you.

For some reason, even those parents (mostly mothers) who do do things for themselves, like hopping on a plane, are judged, too! Because our society feels that kids become the centre of your world once you have them, and naturally, for the most part, they are.

If you choose not to have kids, for whatever reason, that’s OK. Because having children is a massive thing; I think we can all agree on that. It’s not something you decide to do just because you felt like it.

It takes planning, stability, ability, commitment (of like 18 years!), and more to bring a child into the world. Why does choosing not to do that seem so odd?

Some people do not feel like children have a place in their lifestyle. Some people feel that their personal identity does not come with the position of “parent”. And I can totally understand that.

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No marriage

“No marriage” can mean being single forever, or being in a committed relationship and never tying the knot, or having multiple relationships (polyamory) and none of which includes marriage. And these things are hard for the average man to understand.

Marriage is the done thing, right?

It’s not!

Does the fact that I’m not married to my partner mean I love him less than you love your husband? Hell no! In fact, surely it speaks more to my love if I stay with my partner purely because I want to, not because I’m tied to him by law…

At the end of the day, I think more people should look at marriage as a lifestyle choice instead of a necessity or a key part of life.

It used to be Education-> Job -> Marriage -> Kids. This was the formula for a successful, happy life.

Not anymore.

This is the 21st century. Life just isn’t the same as it used to be back when marriage helped bond families for political, financial, or land-based reasons. Now, it is a lifestyle choice and I really don’t think it says anything at all about you if you choose not to make the choice to get married.

Love is love, and family is family, no matter how it is done.

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Religion

Religions are a lifestyle choice, believe it or not. You may be born into a religious family or feel drawn to religion due to culture, but choosing to follow its pathway is a lifestyle choice. Because religion will change the way you live at times, and you are free to choose to do that or not.

People judge those who are a part of a religion. And, on the flipside, those in religions can sometimes judge those who aren’t.

Judgement everywhere!

I am Agnostic myself. I don’t believe in religion or a God, but I believe in higher forces at times. I have religious family members and religious friends (from more than one religion). And I do not judge them.

I see the benefits in religion, personally. It is comforting, unifying, and nurturing when practised right. There is no denying the ugly sides to some religions, especially in the past, but there’s no denying the good, either.

The point is, we are all free to choose; at least we should be. As long as a person is good and treats people right, should it really matter what God they believe in, or if they choose to believe at all?

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What is NOT a lifestyle choice:
Sexuality

Who you are attracted to, have sex with, or love is not a lifestyle choice. It’s biology, chemistry, natural instinct and all that.

IT IS NOT A LIFESTYLE CHOICE THAT A PERSON MAKES.

Choosing to explore your sexuality could be a lifestyle choice, in some cases, due to curiosity or exploring your options, perhaps. But feeling like you must is not. That is just who you are.

See my post about Sexual Identity here.

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Gender Identity

Gender is a made-up construct anyway. It is a societal thing. Who’s to say what gender really is and how we should behave? This is a huge philosophical question, I believe, not really a scientific one. And so, let everyone do what feels natural and comfortable for them.

What feels like you and how you express yourself, shape yourself, define yourself, and so forth is a part of your personal identity and your mark on this world. It is not a lifestyle choice; it’s naturally a part of your spirit.

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The judgement of Lifestyle Choices

Judging someone based on their lifestyle choices is wrong. We are all entitled to our opinions, and when it comes to someone we love, we can’t help but feel like we need to guide them to what we feel is better for them.

But we don’t get to decide.

Someone’s sense of personal identity is, well, personal. It comes from within. Whatever makes them happy and calls to their spirit is for them. Whether we understand or not, we must allow them to live their life as they see fit (as long as they’re not causing themselves or others harm).

Judgement is a tricky thing. It can feel like a natural instinct to judge someone, but I hope that like me, you are actively trying to do it less. We don’t like being judged ourselves, so don’t do it to others.

“Judge not lest ye be judged”

 

P.s. Some other things not to judge people for: How they dress, what they eat and drink, who they’re friends with, what their house looks like, how they express themselves, the pets they own, and so on!

The Wrong Personality

The reason I’m writing this post is because last week, I retook the Myers-Briggs Personality Test to see if I was still an I.N.F.J. (I am). I asked my boyfriend and my sister to do the same. I think there’s changed. But what I found interesting was something my boyfriend said, “Is mine a good one?”

This made me think, do we believe that some personalities are better than others?

I think some of us can get argumentative when it comes to personality. Either we think that ours is wrong, or we think someone else’s is wrong. We think values, judgements, behaviours, feelings, or quirks are wrong, undesirable, or just plain weird!

And this is normal, right? We are all different and there’s no way we could all get along perfectly. But I wanted to question why we think some personalities or traits are wrong (for ourselves or others)…

 

Introversion versus Extroversion

I think one of the key motivators for the personality wars comes from the Introverts versus Extroverts conversation. Many people are still coming to terms with what this actually means.

I know that in school, the only “bad” thing my teachers ever said about me was that I didn’t speak up enough in class. Being friends with mostly Extroverts meant they wanted to be out and about doing things, often in groups or crowds, but I didn’t. This made me feel on the outside of things. And yes, I was called boring a lot.

It’s only as an adult that I learned what Introversion was. Finally, there was a word that described me. Someone who prefers solitude over social, group activities. Suddenly, I didn’t feel weird or wrong or broken. Yes, I knew I had Social Anxiety, but that’s different.

*Social Anxiety means I feel unsettled and afraid of social situations to the point of panic; Introversion means I prefer not to partake in social situations for very long, and I’m more comfortable and happy alone.*

So, the conflict comes when an Introvert is told that they’re boring or anti-social or a loner because they prefer time alone. As I say, for years I’ve been called boring by family and friends for not wanting to go to social events. And for years, I believed that they were right: I am boring.

This can scar a person and it was my therapist who said one of my damaging Core Beliefs is that I am boring, and this perhaps lead to my Social Anxiety.

It’s the same with the classroom. Forcing Introverts into uncomfortable situations isn’t fair. Yes, we should all be encouraged to step out of our comfort zones and try new things. However, someone shouldn’t be condemned for simply thinking and feeling differently to their peers.

On the other side, Introverts can prejudge Extroverts, thinking that they are less intelligent for wanting to socialise and party and be in groups more often than not. Of course, this is just as unfair and silly as my previous points.

 

At the end of the day, Introvert or Extrovert, it does not matter. As long as we all aim to understand and respect the others, rather than prejudge, bully, or force them to be something that they’re not, then everything will be just fine.

There is no right or wrong. There is no better or worse.

If you do take the Myers-Briggs test, you will see that these things are determined by percentages. So, you’re not an Introvert or an Extrovert and that’s it. There’s a spectrum. And I think this is something we can all forget at times.

We are all on a spectrum when it comes to personality traits. We dip into and display various personality traits at different points in our lives.

So, why do we think the opposite to ourselves is “wrong” sometimes? Because of a difference in beliefs and nature. If you are naturally inclined to eat cheese, and someone else is not, it can be hard to understand why they don’t eat cheese like you do!

Speaking of beliefs…

 

Self-image and Self-Beliefs

I love the fact that I am an INFJ, I’m not going to lie! It’s one of the more unique personality types and it means (in a nutshell) that I am an advocate type. We enjoy coming up with new ideas, trying to help the world by changing people’s views, and we are creatively expressive and passionate.

This is so me!

But the trouble comes when we tie ourselves to a personality type and never waver. Like introverts thinking, “no, I prefer solitude and so I’ll never venture out.” This, of course, limits who we are and what we are capable of.

The same goes for believing that you are not a Morning Person. Or thinking that you’re not a reader or not a sporty person. Tying ourselves to these beliefs creates a Self-Image or Self-Belief. But this is where personal troubles can occur.

Yes, I believe we all do have personalities. I believe that we are naturally inclined to this thing or that thing which manifests in our early, formative years. As in, I’m not sure how much I believe in predetermined personalities from birth, but instead, we form them in our early childhood.

But I also believe that there is a difference between who we are, and who we think we are.

Let me explain. In my younger years, I was an athlete. I was still a writer but I was an athlete, too, and a good one at that. I believed I was amazing. I was a winner. And this belief made me a winner because I was confident in myself.

When I started to win less and less, that image of myself wavered. It grew weaker and weaker, and so I won less and less.

Did my athletic ability change? I’d say no. I trained often and I was naturally talented. But because my self-image wavered, so did my ability.

As corny as it sounds, we are what we believe we are. We can do what we truly believe we can do.

As the saying goes, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, either way you are right.”

This is because there is a real power in our Self-Image and Self-Beliefs.

We were not born with the right personality or the wrong one. We were not doomed in our early years to a shoddy personality or traits.

We are who we believe we are.

We may have a natural inclination one way or another, but that can only change, be reshaped, or grow when we believe that we can do it.

 

So, I’m no longer an athlete, but that may only be because I no longer believed that I was…

 

Conclusion…

We all change. Our personalities shouldn’t really stay the same from childhood to old age. As I said, I wanted to test whether my personality had changed. It hadn’t but the percentages had; my place on the spectrum had shifted slightly. Plus, my partner and my sister’s personalities have changed, I think.

Being with me in a close relationship for over 4 years meant my partner had picked up a few of my traits. He is more emotionally intelligent and sensitive since meeting me. He is more organised and thoughtful since being with me, too. Due to his Extroversion, I am also encouraged to step out into social situations more, and I’m less strictly serious about life because of him, too.

We grow, we change, we experience new things and people and our values are reshaped.

There is no wrong personality or wrong traits. Every personality type has Pros and Cons, Strengths and Weaknesses.

There is no need to judge, bully, or try to change one another. We are all who we are, and that person will naturally change and grow as we live our lives.

So, can’t we meet one another with more acceptance, respect and understanding?

And if you think that your personality is wrong, then you’re wrong! We’re all on a spectrum. Even if you are dissatisfied, you shouldn’t believe that you will be one thing or another forever.

You have the power to change your beliefs and shape your Self-Image as you see fit.

Being open to change and growth is perhaps the only thing that’s “right” when it comes to who we are…

 

This may have seemed a bit rambly or disconnected, but I’ve been really into identity and personality lately. I think that more of us (myself included) should try to worry less about who we think we are.

For example, low self-esteem. It comes from believing that who you are and what you’re capable of is not good enough. It’s in believing that you are less capable or worthy than other people.

How sad is that?

My mom is very strict with her negative self-talk. She thinks she’s not good at things and never seems to be convinced otherwise no matter what I tell her or how much evidence I give her to the contrary! This shows the power of Self-Image and Self-Beliefs. Also, the power of a society that seems to value certain things above others.

And so, we could all do with shifting our mindsets. To be less judgy about others and ourselves. To live less fixed to one thing or another, and truly, once and for all, believe that we can be whatever we believe we can be.

 

End of the World

The other day my grandfather said something very deep to me, that he could feel the coming of the End of the World. This sounds dramatic and he’s a religious man so he was coming from the perspective of the Bible and the Apocalypse. But when I thought about it, I saw that he was right.

The signs for the End of the World are there.

Let me explain.

Everything is looking a little bleak right now. Poor leadership in many countries, including my own. Bad decisions being made in the form of segregation and divide instead of peace and unity. Extreme poverty. Famine. Water crisis. Global Warming. Overpopulation. Immigration issues. Terrorism. Gun violence.

To name a select few…

All you hear on the news is mayhem, it’s no wonder we’re all afraid.

And so yes, I get what my grandad meant. It does feel like the world is going to shit, at lack of a better word.

But then I was listening to Oprah Winfrey’s book “The Path Made Clear” on Audible and it made me think. Struggle, strife, and even disaster is necessary for change. New things often come from the ashes of old things.

So, the End of the World isn’t an apocalypse, necessarily, but the end of the world as we know it, and thus the coming of a new age…

 

Evolution comes from change, but things sometimes have to be really bad and not working before evolution happens. It’s like loads of mistakes need to be made before nature (or other) clues up and adapts itself to make room for something better.

Our world wars were perhaps necessary for the world that we have now. It divided us and then it unified us. We formed alliances, adopted important international relationships that last to this day, and learned a lot about one another.

The toxicity of the drug-eras brought forth harm and deaths but also the understanding and fear that then alerted us to the need for regulation and law.

Sadly, sometimes, only in lack and depravity do we finally seek better for ourselves and make the hard changes.

 

So, I don’t think we’re necessarily talking about a post-apocalyptic world that we’re going to be forced to live in a ten, twenty years’ time. Instead, I think a big change will come that won’t be easy or perhaps welcomed, but it will be needed.

Out with the old, in with the new.

Our world got so comfortable pushing forwards that we didn’t stop to look around at what these things were doing to the planet, the animals, and even the people and societies. That was our mistake.

We are broken, or perhaps still breaking, but it is up to us whether that will lead to our demise or a resurrection that means we’re born anew.

Will we be a dead caterpillar or a butterfly in flight?

 

What can we do?

Be the change: Aid in a positive change that helps better the world, but that starts with bettering yourself and your own perspective.
Take care: Look after yourself and the world; if we care for it and others, perhaps we can make the transition easier and more beautiful.
Think forwards: Ask yourself questions about what an ideal future would look like; not flying cars and trips to the moon, but what would really make our world a better place for all?
See the toxicity & the beauty: Save what we can, and cut out what no longer serves us and our world.

Just some food for thought there.

Ciao!

Vulnerability Is Your Superpower

What is vulnerability?

Vulnerability, to me at least, is a state of openness. You are completely out in the open, subject to hurt, shame, rejection, or loss. To be vulnerable means putting yourself on display and saying, “take it or leave it.”

Vulnerability is:

Honesty
Truth
Nakedness
Emotions
Depth
Beauty
Connection
The unknown
Welcomed fear
Change
Growth
Pain
Daring

Vulnerability is being in a state of uncertainty, nakedness, and truth. A space where you could lose something or be hurt. But when you step into that space anyway, you are harnessing your superpower…

 

Why vulnerability could be what you need and how it can be used as a superpower

Here’s how being vulnerable more often in your life could be exactly what you need to change your life for the better. This is how vulnerability, when used right, can be your greatest strength and superpower…

 

Change happens when you’re not afraid to be vulnerable

The fact of the matter is, many of us are actively against change. Change is scary. Change brings with it a lot of uncertainty. No one is comfortable with the unknown.

And this is why you need to learn how to harness the power of vulnerability. If you are someone who is comfortable with being vulnerable, then you are someone who can deal with change.

This is because you will be good at stepping out of your comfort zone and allowing the fear, newness, mistakes, and failure to take their course, while you keep calm and keep on forwards due to being comfortable with that vulnerable state that you’re in.

It’s sort of like a chrysalis. You must go through the uncomfortable, vulnerable state inside the cocoon as you grow and change. Then when that’s over, you will rise anew with beautiful wings. But the vulnerable state is a key part of the process.

 

Dreams and success comes from vulnerability

Again, people don’t like failure or setbacks or struggle of any kind. This is why many people stay average, while only the select few manifest abundant lives for themselves. But the truth is, failure and setbacks and struggle are a package deal on the road to success (higher forms of success like financial freedom or passive income or the harder to obtain professions etc).

If you can be comfortable in vulnerability, then you will be better equipped to deal with those failures and setbacks with resilience. You will be naturally inclined towards being open, trying again despite failure, and trying new things to reach your goals.

Highly successful people have these things in common:

Daring
Resilience
Bravery
Dedication and passion
Adaptability
And authenticity

And for me, these things come from those who are comfortable (or at least don’t run from) being vulnerable.

 

Strong relationships involve vulnerability

It takes vulnerability to be authentically you. To not wear a mask or pretend to be something you’re not. To never puff yourself up or shrink yourself down to fit in or impress. It takes vulnerability to be able to stay you when dating or forming new relationships in this world.

We should all want this for ourselves; to be nothing but our true selves. To be honest, open, emotionally available, and true to our core.

It takes real emotional intelligence to be able to be a great communicator, empathetic, open, and be able to form real connections with people. The superpower of vulnerability can help you to be all of those things. To step into the light while naked and say “this is me“. And then to encourage and welcome others who do the same.

Strong bonds are formed when two parties allow themselves to be vulnerable with one another; because that is real, authentic, honest, and true.

 

Truth and trust is found in vulnerability

Because when you are vulnerable, you can face tough life questions. You can accept who you are and what you want. You can see the truth of yourself and your life, be that bad or good. And you can trust yourself to make the right decisions and get you through the tough times because you aren’t afraid of the unknown, you’re not afraid of challenges, and you’re not afraid of being vulnerable and out in the open.

If you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you are in a position to learn a lot about yourself and accept that with openness and trust.

 

I think one of my best qualities is my ability to step into vulnerability willingly. With my partner, my family, my friends, online, in my books, all of it. I’m not afraid to speak hard truths. I’m not afraid of judgement, ridicule, or rejection. I mean yes, these things scare me and hurt me like everyone else, but I also know that shrinking myself, lying, or hiding is much worse in the long-run.

I am sometimes vulnerable and honest with people to a fault. But I always know that the true ones will love me and connect regardless. Now that’s power.

 

Summary

If you want to have real, strong, lasting relationships in your life, then you need to learn how to be vulnerable.

If you want to succeed in gaining a higher life for yourself, you need vulnerability because no road to success is easy or straight.

If you want to find your truth and cultivate a better relationship with yourself, well, vulnerability is where the gold is.

Allow yourself to be vulnerable more often. To be open, naked, weak, emotional, honest, and whole. Don’t hide or shrink or lie.

 

How can we be vulnerable and gain this superpower?

Journal: I am my most honest self when writing in my journal, and I’ve learned a lot about myself doing so
Speak the truth, no matter what
Dare to look within for all the answers you seek are inside
Dare to go after what you truly want, no matter what

 

Don’t shy away from the harder, more uncomfortable emotions and experiences in life, they are granting you the strength to be vulnerable and succeed!