S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 63

What Does It Mean To Be Strong?

I think we get it very wrong when we believe that strength is the opposite or absence of weakness. Strength is instead the recognition, acceptance, and actions taken even with weakness.

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” – Nelson Mandela

Strength used to be seen as being physically muscular and capable; or fighting a good fight; or handling emotions; or a parent going it alone after the death of a spouse (etc.). All these are parts of strength, but they are not the definition. Instead, I have some other ideas…

 

Resilience

This is perhaps my favourite word to help describe what strength really is. I used to think of myself as weak because of my anxiety, my high sensitivity, and how easily I’m hurt. But more recently, I’ve begun to see myself as strong because things haven’t been simple or easy for me.

I’ve been knocked down many times, sometimes by small things like social anxiety, sometimes by much bigger life events. But the thing is, I always get back up. My sister once said to me that she admires me because I keep on going even when bad luck seems to follow me around!

Now that’s resilience; that’s strength.

“Fall down seven times, stand up eight.”

 

Vulnerability

Brene Brown has made me obsessed with vulnerability as a concept! As she says, vulnerability isn’t something to be avoided. That most of us don’t want to be vulnerable due to fear of rejection, criticism, judgement, shame, failure, or other.

But those of us who can step into vulnerable moments regardless are very strong indeed.

This is like going for that job that’s out of your comfort zone.

This is chasing your dream.

This is saying “I love you” first.

This is hopping on the plane all alone with a one-way ticket.

 

Bravery

Of course, strength and bravery have often gone hand-in-hand. The typical hero type is a strong, brave person. Bravery is feeling afraid but doing something anyway (See the above quote). There is strength found in those triumphs, no matter the result.

 

Truth & Honesty

It takes so much strength to be able to seek the truth within yourself. It also takes real strength to accept it and work through it.

Honesty as a concept seems so obvious to us all (it being the best policy and all that!), but only the strongest among us can embrace the honest truth of themselves with a whole, loving heart.

 

Trust yourself

It is so wonderful to be able to say with all honesty that you trust yourself. That you have enough faith in your own abilities to make the right decisions, look after yourself, and get through adversity. Getting to a place of trust takes strength, keeping that trust does too.

 

Love yourself

It takes real strength to love yourself. Most of us don’t, not really. But when we can accept the good and the bad and love ourselves regardless, not only do we empower ourselves but that also takes real strength to be able to do in the first place.

 

Showing up when it’s hard

It’s easy to show up when things are going well, but how about when things are hard? When you’re drained? When you’ve failed yet again? When you want to give in?

There’s value in rest, taking a step back, and analysing before moving forwards. But the strong are those who are not down for long. The strong are those without excuses, giving in to self-sabotage, or fear of trying just one more time (see the resilience point).

It is also so strong of you to show up for yourself each day.

This means getting out of bed when you don’t feel like it. This is choosing the apple over the chocolate bar. This is getting that email sent or that conversation done, in order to feel the stress slip away.

 

Confidence

There’s a difference between confidence and arrogance.

“Confidence isn’t walking into a room with your nose in the air, thinking that you’re better than everyone else; it’s walking into the room and not having to compare yourself to anyone in the first place.”

Strong people know their worth. They have a strong sense of self-worth, meaning they don’t seek external validation or comparison. They know who they are, they accept it, and they love it; they walk tall not because they are better but because they have real confidence inside.

 

Accountability

It takes strength to hold yourself accountable. To take responsibility for your own life, hold up your hands to mistakes, and keep yourself in check.

Most people would sooner blame the whole world for their problems. But strong people don’t do that, because it takes strength to be able to admit to something or look within rather than point fingers elsewhere.

 

Boundaries

Strong people set and respect boundaries. Strong people are confident enough to say “this is what I want or need and I want you to respect that.”

Setting boundaries is a difficult thing to do, because we worry that people will poke or prod or get uppity about it. But setting boundaries and keeping them not only takes strength to do, but it gives us strength back, too.

 

Independence

To walk alone if necessary is tough. We all have an innate need to belong, and so the fear of being alone and left out is very real and seems to threaten our livelihood.

But strong people have independence. They don’t rely too heavily on others. They don’t follow the crowd in order to fit in. They stand in their truth and do what they believe in, even if that means standing alone.

 

Mental Health

I couldn’t talk about strength without talking about mental health. Strong people care for and have an awareness of the health of their mind. They take care of it. They do the hard stuff when needed in order to achieve a better state of overall wellness. And a healthy mind in return is a strong one.

 

Authenticity 

And lastly, it takes real strength to just be yourself in this world. With social media, cliquey groups in school, expectations, social norms, judgement, shame, and comparison, it is difficult to be who we are without hiding, shrinking, or downright changing ourselves to fit in.

But as Brene Brown says (yes, I love her), fitting in is the opposite of belonging. If we belong, we are our true selves accepted as we are. If we fit in, we are a warped self fighting for self-worth with the wrong crowd.

Being authentic, being wholly You, takes strength in our society. But god, do we love it when we see it!

“People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses” – Brene Brown

 

Strength is not found in muscles and battle stories. Strength is in the mind and the spirit. It is how closely we are aligned to who we really are, what we really want, and what we are really capable of, no matter the cost.

How many do you tick off? Do you consider yourself to be strong by these definitions? Let me know!

 

If you need any help in bettering your mental health, or better coping with anxiety, depression, and stress, then my book “You’re As Mad As I Am” may be for you. Check it out here, and download a free sample to see what it’s all about.

If you want to hire me to write about mental health (or other), then don’t hesitate to get in touch!

 

Thanks for reading. Don’t forget to like, comment, or follow my site if you enjoy my content 

What’s Going On Inside Of You?

Here’s a video with extra information about my blog posts from today and yesterday on “Self-Work” which is something I coined (I think) meaning doing hard, deep work on the *Self*. On the internal stuff, the blockages, the shortcomings, the emotional reactions and so on.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far from doing this myself…

The blog posts on the topic so far: The Importance of Self-Work

Deep Self-Work: What Needs Work?

 

Deep Self-Work: What Needs Work?

Do you know your limitations? Your weaker parts? Areas for improvement? And no, I don’t mean your math skills or fitness or ability to organise; I mean the bigger, harder, heavier self-work. The internal skills. The inner navigation system. The mind. The behaviours or emotional reactions we experience every day, perhaps without realising.

Instead of beating yourself up or simply working on your overeating habits, ever asked yourself why you do it in the first place? That is the root of the problem and until you face it, you may find yourself struggling with your weight (or whatever else) forever.

 

Firstly, I’m opening up about some problem areas of my own…

Criticism

I don’t take criticism well, I admit it. This has been pointed out to me before by others, but I couldn’t see it (hence the not taking criticism well!). I was like “I am the most self-critical person in the world, how am I bad at taking criticism?”

It seemed ludicrous to me, that I, someone with low self-esteem, would turn away from external criticism. Surely, it would make more sense for me to take on-board every single negative thing a person said about me and begin to wear it as a part of me.

But that’s not true, not always. Yes, sometimes I do that, rightly or wrongly. But there are other times when I really don’t want something to be true about me (though I may fear it to be true) and so I fight against the criticism.

This is largely in the areas of my work, my decisions and my emotions. People have said, “Your books or posts are too long!” and I’d reply, “Well the Game of Thrones (A Song of Ice and Fire) books are extremely long, yet millions love them; (or) anyone who cares about my chosen topics will read a long post.”

I justify my actions, puff up, and protect my work and myself. This is a problem.

This is not to say that whatever people say about me is definitely true. Their opinion is just that, an opinion not a fact. However, I need to practice a few things that I sometimes fail to do in these situations:

Listen respectfully and open-mindedly.
See if there is any truth in what is being said; maybe it’s something to explore.
Thank them for their advice or critique, and say I’ll think about it.

This avoids conflict, maintains respect and civility amongst people, helps you to grow and change when needed, and avoids wounded Ego or expression from the Ego at all.

 

Difference in opinion

This one is very similar to the above point. I have trouble when someone has a different opinion to mine. This is not with things like “Is the sky blue or green?” because one, it’s obviously blue(!); and two, it hardly matters.

But when it comes to things that I care about, I struggle. This is anything from “Is Harry Potter good?” to deeper matters like Race or Politics. I pride myself on being able to see different points of view. I will listen to someone explain something they think is right, and I will do the same. But if they are strictly averse to my opinion, I get anxious.

If something seems so obvious to me, yet the other person doesn’t agree, I get very frustrated. I guess, in a nutshell, I have an issue with the fact that some people just see the world differently to me.

Instead, I need to accept this fact and move on. It is not my job to convert people! Unless it’s something very serious and it’s a disagreement with someone close to me, it really does not matter.

 

Letting Go

This is a big problem area. I find it hard to let go. I get obsessed with situations, people’s opinions, what I said or someone else said, or thoughts that pop into my mind. These things ruminate and ruminate for days without relent in my head.

It’s so tiring. It’s pointless and exhausting and maddening.

I really need to work on letting things go. As I’ve said, much of what I obsess about and allow to fester in my mind just doesn’t matter. Other people in the same situation move on, while I’m stuck in a loop.

I must learn to set myself free.

 

Shame

I’m still in the early stages of learning about shame. Brene Brown started her journey as a shame researcher, and I’m currently reading one of her books: The Gifts of Imperfection.

I think I have trouble with shame because, for a long time, I’ve hidden away. In school, I used to hide that I was a nerd. I used to hide my writing. I used to hide my anxiety and depression. I used to hide the fact that someone had hurt me. I used to hide my worries about the future and my past choices. I used to hide: thoughts, feelings, opinions, dreams, truth, vulnerability…

I may not hide as much as I used to, but in truth, I am so much more open online on my website than I am in person. The things I discuss here are things I’d struggle to articulate or be vulnerable about face-to-face. This means I’m harbouring shame inside me.

Because shame is fear. Shame is resisting judgement. Shame is trying to fit in instead of being You and aiming to belong.

 

Insecurities

I have many insecurities. We all do. These lead to fear, self-criticism, doubt, self-sabotage, inaction, poor choices, poor relationships and encounters, resistance, and more.

Insecurities take a lot of time and hard work to get rid of, but it’s important to do it. Some may never truly go, but we can try to weaken them, disprove them, or push them aside to no longer let them take the wheel.

I must do this work, for I don’t want a fear-based or insecurity-driven life.

 

Ego

I think most of my issues can be reduced to one point: the Ego. Many of us don’t understand the Ego, myself included. I know there’s a lot I need to read up on in this area. Because when we say Ego, we don’t mean pride or boastfulness like when people say someone is egotistical. I don’t think I’m prideful, really.

But I do live by way of the Ego, more often than not. This is with things like seeking validation and praise. This is comparing myself to others, positively or negatively, like “Well I’m doing better than her because XYZ.” It’s when you feel like you need to puff up or shrink down. This is the Ego rearing its head, making you question your worth.

Ego is “I’m not good enough” but it’s also “I’m better than”

The Ego makes me bad with criticism. The Ego holds on to insecurities to use against me. The Ego knows my shame areas. The Ego obsesses and doesn’t let go. The Ego makes me want to be right and change people’s minds.

Brene Brown calls the Ego The Hustler because it makes you hustle (work hard) for worth and approval and validation. But it is never satisfied.

Perhaps the opposite of living by the Ego is inner peace. It’s acceptance, truth, and not holding onto a title or goal or need for self-worth. You already know your worth, regardless of your situation.

I need this.

 

Ideas for you

Your own areas of growth and work may differ to mine. If they’re the same or similar, I hope I’ve given you some food for thought to take away with you and work on.

If not, here is a long list of potential deep-rooted problem areas that you could look into for yourself:

Anger – This is a difficult emotion to confront but we must ask ourselves why we are quick to anger if this is our issue.
Independence – Are you doing what you want to do, regardless of the crowd or your peers?
Being alone – It is important to have alone time; being alone does not equal loneliness, it’s healthy and being afraid to be alone is a problem.
Socialising – Maybe you’re the opposite and you struggle with socialising; we are social creatures by nature and solitude for too long is not healthy.
Pride – Is your pride easily wounded? Are you quick to defence or inflation due to an overactive pride centre?
Fear – Needs no explanation; we all have fear, it’s what we do with it that matters. Do you allow fear to control your life?
Vulnerability – Are you open and honest and standing in your truth with bravery?
Open-mindedness – To think beyond what you think you know and allow new concepts in.
Perspective – Can you see from other sides? Can you see the big picture?
Empathy – Do you fail to see from other people’s perspective? Do you struggle with understanding someone else’s experiences and pain causing lost connection?
Sensitivity – To other people’s needs and feelings.
Resilience – In life, we will all experience setbacks, pain, failure, mistakes and so on, but it is the resilient ones who are able to get back up and keep going; do you?
Trust – A lack of trust in others, the world, or even yourself can lead to fear, doubt, and pain.
Self-worth – Where do you place your self-worth? It’s always tied to something like other people’s opinions, money, material gain, achievements and progression and so on; analyse this and give that power back to yourself.
Gratitude – Do you practice gratitude? Do you welcome more goodness by appreciating what you already have?
Beliefs and Values – Check out my post on our beliefs
Connectivity – Do you allow yourself to connect with others? Not fit in but really connect and belong with the right people? If not, you are putting yourself at risk of loneliness and low self-worth.

 

There are many other things to consider, but I simply can’t go on forever! Bottom line: Look within and make changes. Not because you’re broken, or wrong, or a failure, or weak or whatever else; but because it is important to confront the deep stuff, to finally be our best selves. Emotional health is very important for a fulfilling life.

Take the time to care for yourself and love yourself by seeking out the deep-rooted problem areas, then working towards a free, happy, healthy, You.

 

If you need any help in bettering your mental health, or better coping with anxiety, depression, and stress, then my book “You’re As Mad As I Am” may be for you. Check it out here, and download a free sample to see what it’s all about.

If you want to hire me to write about mental health (or other), then don’t hesitate to get in touch!

 

Thanks for reading. Don’t forget to like, comment, or follow my site if you enjoy my content 

The Importance of Self-Work

I am a completely different person compared to who I was 2, 3, 5 years ago.

Not because my hair has changed (though it has many times), or my body (though it has), or my achievements and progression (there’s been ups and downs). It’s because my inside world has grown and taken a new shape.

Where there used to be weeds and cobwebs and darkness and screaming and dangerous swamps and pits, there are now gardens, waters, mountains, quietness, and life. Granted, there are still a LOT of cobwebs and dark corners, but I aim to get to those in time.

 

You see, I’ve been doing active Self-Work for nearly two years now, I’d say. Some call it soul work. Some call it spirituality, mind work, growth work, or whatever else. I just like to say Self-Work, because it’s about all areas of the Self.

Am I perfect now? No.

Do I hold all the answers to bettering your life and improving yourself? No!

But do I understand myself better now? Absolutely. Do I love myself more? Hell yeah! Do I look at things differently and treat people differently? I believe so; I actively try to now.

And this is all any of us can do: Try. Try to help yourself. Try to work hard towards a healthier, stronger, happier, freer You. Try to understand yourself and love yourself and breathe new life into your every day.

With Self-work, you are choosing yourself with conscious effort each day.

 

What is Self-Work

Self-work is giving yourself time to grow. Self-work is putting in the energy and effort to do a number of things:

Know yourself
Trust yourself
Love yourself
Work on yourself

The great thing – also the scary thing – about Self-work is that it is yours. It’s for you to do mostly on your own. It’s personal. It’s a tailor-made action plan for awareness, growth, acceptance, and betterment.

Simply put, Self-Work is working on the Self actively, consciously and with gentleness.

 

How has Self-Work helped me?

It has helped me to better my relationships and encounters with others (instead of being moody and sticking to my strict “rightness,” I apologised to my mother for my animosity and said I valued our relationship more than proving a point; we hugged it out and moved on).
I’m more vulnerable and open now (I’m less selective about what I “should and shouldn’t” say; I speak my truth no matter what).
I am more aware of myself ; what I do, how I speak and the negative thought cycles I get stuck in often (awareness is the first step to betterment).
I speak to myself with more kindness, respect and understanding (I no longer bully myself relentlessly without realising it; now, if I do, I put an end to it).
I’m more conscious of intention ; I try to live with intention (instead of mindlessly doing, thinking, buying, and whatever else).

 

How do we do Self-Work?

Firstly, you need to be honest with yourself. What in your life needs work?

Maybe it’s your diet, sleep, exercise, career, relationships, language, skillset, or other. Make a list and always remember to never judge yourself or beat yourself up for anything. This is not about what you lack or where you have failed. It’s about what you want to invite into your life and manifest for the better.

Next, you need to go deeper (sorry!) and figure out why these things have been falling short or need work.

Maybe you are holding onto the past. Maybe you had a traumatic or difficult experience with something (or someone) long ago that you never got over. Maybe you have strong Core Beliefs about yourself or the world that are holding you back. Maybe you need to work on your Ego, perspectives, compassion, empathy, emotional intelligence, or other.

This part is harder to do, as most of us don’t know anything about the deeper issues within. Therefore, you will need to try a few things to get clear on this:

Get Quiet: Quiet the noise of your life; silence the unhelpful people; meditate or walk or do yoga or something calming and quiet and slow-paced to be able to look within and get answers. Suddenly, thoughts and feelings become more clear.
Journal: This is my favourite way of discovering otherwise jumbled up thoughts and reasons behind things. It’s not Dear Diary… stuff, it’s “Today I felt low and I don’t know why, but maybe it was…” The more often you do this, the easier it will be to see patterns which alert us to problem areas.
Speak to loved ones: Sometimes other people see things in us that we don’t see. Maybe they can provide some insight into how you behave and what happened in the past etc. Ensure you speak openly and honestly with people you trust to hold your insecurities with you without judgement.
Read up: If things pop up for you that seem like they may be problem areas, then read up. It is important to know what you’re tackling rather than running in blind. Knowing the monster is the key to defeating or imprisoning it.

From there, you will need to, as I said before, actively choose yourself. If you’re realising that you seek external validation to the point of self-loathing, unworthiness, fear, trying to fit in, people-pleasing or other, then do not look down on yourself. You’re very much not alone.

We all have problem areas or dark corners; never judge, hate, or bully yourself for your specific darkness.

Give yourself time. Practice kindness. I don’t believe that beating yourself up or telling yourself that you’re a loser for falling short is going to lead to positive results. But of course, this is your journey. Try some trial and error to find what works for you and your specific needs and growth.

Learn what’s out there to help you, but understanding it is definitely the most important step, I believe.

 

“How do we come to aha moments if we’re not willing to explore and ask questions?” – Brene Brown

 

Last Thoughts

You should know, Self-Work is on-going. This can be a bit disheartening, but I see it as liberating. It means I’ve no need to rush to meet a goal or deadline. It means my journey needn’t be compared to another’s. It is personal work that will last a lifetime because we will always change and face new challenges within and without.

As long as each day you are choosing yourself, you are half-way there.

There will be days when you need a different approach. Some days need perseverance and discipline; other days need compassion and kindness. Trust yourself to know the difference. Trust yourself to put in the work to see yourself, love yourself, and grow within.

Check out my next post, where I go deep into my own problem areas that need work.

 

Also, check out my video for more info…

 

Podcast Episode: We See The World Differently

It can be tough to have different views about life and the world compared to someone else’s. We can often fight for a long time when trying to find who’s right and who’s wrong. But there is only one definite truth: we all see the world differently…

Click to play!

https://thewritewayme.files.wordpress.com/2019/05/we-see-the-world-differently.mp3

 

 

The Truth About Self-Love and Self-Care

I think there are mixed messages about Self-love and Self-care. Some think it’s just facials and naps. Others think it’s nonsense altogether. Well…

Self-Care is defined as:


the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health.







the practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.

 

Self-Love is defined as:

regard for one’s own well-being and happiness.

That sounds pretty simple to me. And it sounds like they’re one in the same.

 

What do I think? Firstly, Self-love and Self-care are about the Self. It’s a personal practice that you get to decide for your Self and your life and your needs. No one can tell anyone else what to do. No one can tell anyone else that what they do for themselves if wrong.

As long as you’re not harming or neglecting yourself (which, of course, is not Self-care or Self-love), then what you do for your practice is up to you.

Secondly, it’s not just about mental health. Self-Love and Self-Care should be natural, normal, routine practices. Things you do to help heal or grow or nurture all areas of your Self and your life regularly. It’s prioritising the Self.

Areas to consider:
Growth

Self-love and Self-care should include growth because we all need to grow. We weren’t made to stay the same forever. Growing, changing, learning, experiencing, and shedding skins is a natural, beautiful part of life.

Resisting growth or not prioritising it is not cultivating self-love or self-care. Those who love themselves and care for themselves embrace growth and invite it in regularly.

 

Change

Similar to growth, it’s important to make changes. Again, we’re not meant to live the same day in the same places over and over again until we die. We need newness. New people, places, experiences, and sights. It fills the soul. It improves your health and sense of wellness.

Change up your routine, your environment, your diet, your habits and so on. Travel and taste all that life has to offer.

 

Strength

This is an area often forgotten, but finding your strength is a practice of Self-love and Self-care. We find our strength by doing three things: knowing ourselves, trusting ourselves, and loving ourselves.

The root of all growth and healing and strength is in those three things.

For if we know ourselves, then we know what we’re good at, what needs work, and what needs to be simply accepted. We know how we work best, how we love, how we speak and move and live. Knowledge is very important to any means of growth or change or inner strength.

If we trust ourselves, then no matter what is thrown our way (because life can be really cruel at times), we trust ourselves to get through it. We trust ourselves to make the right decisions for the right reasons. We trust ourselves to look after ourselves. We trust ourselves to invite the right things into our lives.

And if we love ourselves, then we will be strong enough to walk away from what is no longer serving us. We will embrace our imperfections and love ourselves not in spite of them, but because we accept them as a part of us.

This is how we become strong and how Self-Love and Self-Care can get us there.

 

Betterment & Progress

This is similar to growth. We must make a conscious effort to progress. We must challenge ourselves to things, step out of our comfort zones, and see what we are truly capable of. Choosing to do this regularly is an act of Self-care and Self-love because it gives us a sense of achievement, which is great for our wellbeing.

As long as you’re not overly competitive, never satisfied or content, or tying your self-worth to achievements and progress, then healthy, meaningful betterment or self-improvement is encouraged.

 

Taking care of yourself

At the very root of Self-care and Self-love is just caring for yourself, though, of course, caring for yourself looks different to each person.

It could look like spa treatments, if that’s what you need.

It could be breaking up with the partner who doesn’t bring anything into your life.

It could be choosing yourself for once.

It could be doing the hard work, the scary work, the honest work to finally get through the funk inside of you.

It could be facing tough emotions or tough barriers in your life.

But it definitely is always putting yourself first: health-wise, decision-wise, happiness-wise.

 

So, What are Self-Love and Self-Care?

Showing up for yourself
Putting your health and happiness first
Doing what needs to be done to grow, feel good, and be healthier
Making conscious decisions with intention towards a good life, a healthy you, and wellness
Picking the apple over the chocolate bar; rest over another hour of overtime; good people and belonging over bad people and “fitting in”
Being grateful for all that you are and grateful for all that is to come

Self-Love is looking in the mirror with a smile, even if it’s forced at first.

Self-Care is knowing when to rest, when to work, and when to play.

Self-Love is awareness of the inner self and a nurturing of it.

Self-Care is saying I need this thing and I will give it to myself because I deserve it. 

 

If you need any help in bettering your mental health, or better coping with anxiety, depression, and stress, then my book “You’re As Mad As I Am” may be for you. Check it out here, and download a free sample to see what it’s all about.

If you want to hire me to write about mental health (or other), then don’t hesitate to get in touch!

 

Thanks for reading. Don’t forget to like, comment, or follow my site if you enjoy my content 

List of Things That Better Your Mental Health Overall

People may think that caring for your mental health is simply just the things that are on trend right now (meditation, yoga, journaling, affirmations, pamper sessions etc.), but it is so much more than that. Many things can contribute to a healthy mind, so here are many  ideas from me:

*Please take note of any that seem interesting or important to you. There are many on the list, but don’t be overwhelmed; just pick what feels good to you.*

Regular Exercise
A Balanced Diet
Reading regularly
Learning new things
Taking on challenges
Puzzles and Mind games
New Experiences
Decluttering/ less mess and stuff (Minimalistic living over Materialistic living)
Cleaning and environment upkeep
Journal keeping: capturing one’s thoughts and feelings
Music, dancing, singing
Doing what you love
Creative expression
Taking breaks/ Appropriate Rest Periods
Not overworking yourself
Meaningful connections with others
Time with people you enjoy and love
Walking (without a destination)
Doing or watching your favourite things
Being honest (with yourself and others)
Being authentically you (it hurts your mental health to lie, hide, shrink, people-please, or be anything but yourself)
Saying No when you want to say No
Saying Yes to opportunities and enjoyment
Changing up your routine
Moving on from bad habits and cultivating good ones
Moving on from past “mistakes” and “failures” with healthy gratitude and lessons learned
Forgetting perfection and living with your imperfection
Setting boundaries and holding people (and yourself) accountable
Taking responsibility for your life
Nature and the outdoors
Mindfulness and presentness (being in the Now, using your 5 senses to bring awareness to this moment)
Choosing yourself first (health, happiness, needs)
Speaking to yourself with compassion
Cultivating trust in yourself
Cultivating a deep love for yourself
Making time to get to know yourself (knowledge is power)
Quietness and stillness practices: meditation, yoga, mindful walking, baths, massage etc.
Speaking about your tensions and struggles with someone you trust not to judge or shame you
Facing and dealing with unhealthy inner beliefs, insecurities, traumas, or blockages
Healthy communication
Finding meaning and purpose in your life that feels good and true for you
Actively seeking a positive attitude, mindset, and outlook on life
Essential oils and aromatherapy (usually matched with meditation or quiet practices)
Priorities, organisation, time management, self-discipline, getting important things done

 

Caring for your mind is important. You needn’t do what everyone else is doing, but it is imperative that you make the conscious effort to cultivate a mental health care practice in your life. Choose some from this list, or find others that work for you, but do not dismiss it.

If you have any questions or want a more in-depth explanation on the things on this list, then check my other blog posts or comment below and I’ll help as best I can.

Take care xx

 

If you need any help in bettering your mental health, or better coping with anxiety, depression, and stress, then my book “You’re As Mad As I Am” may be for you. Check it out here, and download a free sample to see what it’s all about.

If you want to hire me to write about mental health (or other), then don’t hesitate to get in touch!

 

Thanks for reading. Don’t forget to like, comment, or follow my site if you enjoy my content 

How To Support Someone With Depression or Anxiety

Apparently, not enough people know how to support someone with depression or anxiety. As these are the most common mental illnesses that all of us are likely to experience to some degree, I wanted to give my advice.

(By the way, I have personally suffered from both, helped friends and family through both, and have led a support group locally for both)

 

It’s not your job to fix them

It is not your duty to give everything to them. You can’t suddenly become their doctor, their healer, their saviour. Don’t force them into following your rules. But also don’t put pressure on yourself to be their saviour either.

I get that people with depression or anxiety can be hard to be around. I totally get that! But imagine how it feels to be around that all day every day because all of those things are going on inside your own head. Not great, is it?

So no, you don’t have to be there 24/7 and give all your energy until you yourself is depressed, but you should be there. That person should trust you to be someone who offers comfort, simple.

 

It could be helpful to support them in facing the causes, if there are any. As I say, you shouldn’t fix them or aim to do so. This is for them to do. And you shouldn’t push too hard or put ideas into their head.

However, if someone’s A or D is brought on by something like body image or a failed venture or social media and comparisons etc., then this may be something you can support them through specifically by getting to the root cause.

This is things like encouraging (and perhaps participating in) a social media detox. Delete the apps from your phone and encourage them to do the same. Or you could help them to dress to their body type and find a sense of confidence. Or support them in healthy eating if they are of an unhealthy weight (again, you could do this together which helps a lot more).

This is a slippery slope, though, so it does depend on the person and the circumstances.

 

Episodes

In an episode/period of high depression or anxiety, do NOT do the following:

Draw attention to their “weird behaviour“
Make them feel weird, silly, or dramatic (by calling them these things or pulling uncomfortable faces)

Instead, you should try to:

(Not in any particular order)

Help them to breathe with focused intention (in through the nose, hold, out through the mouth; follow the path of the breath)
Distract them; do something else that takes their mind off the symptoms (but do so kindly)
Go through the thoughts, feelings and issues within them and offer supportive words and a shift in perspective (get them to think differently/challenge the negative thoughts)
Ask them what would make them feel better right at that moment, and try to help them to do it

 

Understanding

Most of us, not just those suffering from anxiety or depression, just want to feel heard and understood. A & D can be very isolating. You think you’re alone in it. You think you have been sentenced to a personal battle that you must face alone. So, this is where Empathy comes in.

If you can give Empathy to someone with these struggles, it goes a long way. It says, “I see you, I hear you, I appreciate what you’re going through, I understand as best I can, and you’re not alone.“

How beautiful is that?

You achieve this by listening to them instead of silencing them or forcing them to move on or get over it.

You achieve this by doing the research yourself and developing a better understanding of A & D; education goes a long way, and learning for yourself has many benefits.

And you achieve this by practising compassion first and foremost.

Be there with them, open your heart, don’t shame them.

 

Quick Tips

Consider doing something with them that would help them to cope better e.g. attending a yoga class together, meditating together, having “share sessions” about feelings and thoughts, etc.
Encourage them to keep a journal or a thought-capture diary, and encourage them to challenge negative thoughts or to witness patterns in thought which may indicate a bigger damaging belief.
Help them to find an Anchor Practice : (this is a term I may have coined myself or heard somewhere!) This is finding a practice or phrase or item that they associate with calm, perspective, and grounding. They know they can do it/ use it to anchor themselves to what’s more comfortable e.g. In times of anxiety or low mood, I will reach for my journal and free-write for 15 minutes; or, in these times I will text my friend and she will recite the words “you’re not alone, you are in control, you will be OK” as a mantra; using I phrases helps for empowerment like “I am enough, I am strong, I trust myself” – something like that, whatever you find that works.


Last Thoughts

I wanted to keep this short because anxiety and depression aren’t simple. Not everyone suffers in the same way.

Some experiences are very specific and are triggered by certain things. Some people’s symptoms were caused by events or life circumstances, while others have an innate chemical imbalance. Some people have other disorders like Autism or Bipolar Disorder or BPD, which brings on episodes of A & D. Basically, everyone is different.

But the things that never change when helping them are the things listed above:

Never try to “fix” them.
Never dismiss or silence them.
In the moment, support them through it.
Cultivate empathy and understanding.

That’s all anyone really needs.

If someone is really struggling, and they haven’t yet been to a doctor, then support them in going and getting help. The healthcare services aren’t great, but it is always important to try and see what they can do.

Other than that, you can only support them. Encourage them to breathe as breathing is how we regain control, centre ourselves, and be present, which is calming. Help them to find methods that work for them to reduce the symptoms and cope better (again, everyone is different but encourage them to explore to find what works).

Just care and be there.

 

If you need any help in bettering your mental health, or better coping with anxiety, depression, and stress, then my book “You’re As Mad As I Am” may be for you. Check it out here, and download a free sample to see what it’s all about.

If you want to hire me to write about mental health (or other), then don’t hesitate to get in touch!

 

Thanks for reading. Don’t forget to like, comment, or follow my site if you enjoy my content 

Body Positivity Movement

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Here is my favourite picture (the left) and my least favourite (the right). On the left it’s my first anniversary in 2016; the right is the spring wolf run (10k obstacle run) 2018. I love the first photo because I look typically beautiful. I look sexy and slim and pretty in my new dress and new hair.

I don’t like the second because I look “bad”. Here I’m at my heaviest weight and biggest size. Since late 2017, I gained over a stone in weight after going on the depo contraceptive injection for the first time. I had “ballooned” as my mom phrased it, because suddenly my body inflated in ways it never had before.

It’s funny because in the first photo, I may look good but I wasn’t good on the inside. I was depressed, anxious, and I hadn’t achieved much and I was questioning everything in my life.

In the second, I may look “my worst” but on the inside I was doing well. I was self-employed, published, more confident, eating much better (if you can believe it), and putting out regular content that I was proud of.

But our mental health seems to slip when we see something that doesn’t suit how we want to be. Body image and comparison made me hate this image even though despite my looks, everything else in life was good.

I hated the weight on my body as I ran and it weighed me down. I hated how muscular and fit my siblings and boyfriend were compared to me that day. I hated how I looked in those images as an ex-athlete who used to pride herself on her strength, capabilities, and inability to put on weight regardless of the junk I used to eat.

But I’m consciously trying to love BOTH images. The girl who looks pretty on the outside but was hurting on the inside; the woman who was dissatisfied with her outside but felt good on the inside.

*Mental Health Awareness Week: Body Image*

We Don’t “Get Over It”

*It’s Mental Health Awareness Week*

 

I was doing my regular head conversation thing and I thought about how some people may say that I “got over” my Social Anxiety (as in the level and intensity that it was when I was younger). As if I grew out of it. As if it was a silly childish phase like tantrums and crazy hairstyles.

No.

People with mental health difficulties, illnesses or disorders don’t one day just “get over it“.

They can get better.

They can even be cured altogether.

They can be healthier.

They can learn to cope or manage.

They can change their mindset and relationship with their illness/disorder.

But they don’t “get over it“. I don’t like that language at all.

The reason why I don’t like that language is because it belittles their struggle. It says, “well a better, stronger, smarter, older person could have handled it better or avoided it altogether.” It gives energy to the shitty narrative that mental health problems are only for the weak or emotional and sensitive ones among us.

False. False. Fucking false. (Excuse my language)

That’s called stigma, guys. That’s what holds people back from getting help or speaking up. And it’s this kind of language that allows the stigma to continue.

I loved something that someone said the other day,

“We all talk about wanting society to change, but we are society.”

That blew my mind. Yes, we are society. We are the thoughts, the values, the rules, and the systems. We get to decide what society is. And so, we can’t allow it to be shitty without first looking at ourselves. At how we talk, what we believe in, and how we treat our fellow living organisms.

So no, I didn’t get over the crippling Social Anxiety that used to stop me from eating in public, attending parties, seeing my friends, sharing myself with people, doing anything out of the house, or finding love. I didn’t get over my problems with sleeping or eating. I’ve worked hard and struggled and felt a lot of pain on my journey to being the person I am today.

You don’t get to say that I, or anyone else, has “got over it” as if it were some small, childish, self-inflicted, silly thing. Don’t you dare minimise it like that.

 

I’ll end this rant now. But please don’t say ignorant nonsense like “oh, I’m so glad you got over your anxiety” or something else ridiculous like that. Language matters. It really does. Language is how we communicate and how we communicate dictates how we connect, love, share, and craft the world we live in. Our society is what it is based on language and beliefs.

Choose your words wisely, they carry more weight than you know.

Especially for someone who has had to battle their own mind every damn day just to hear you say, “get over it“.

 

If you need any help in bettering your mental health, or better coping with anxiety, depression, and stress, then my book “You’re As Mad As I Am” may be for you. Check it out here, and download a free sample to see what it’s all about.

If you want to hire me to write about mental health (or other), then don’t hesitate to get in touch!

 

Don’t forget to like, comment, share, and follow my site if you enjoy my content! Thanks