S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 60
June 21, 2019
How to Survive Prom With Social Anxiety
Prom season is upon us and so I wanted to give some advice to the teenagers out there who are suffering from social anxiety like I did. I attended my prom with an anxious belly, but I’m glad that I went!
Here are some tips to cope with prom when you have social anxiety:
Bathroom breaks
This is a great tool for surviving big group events when you have social anxiety. It can be overwhelming to be stuck in a room with loud music, many bodies, and forced interactions. Therefore, you need to escape every now and then.
(This is also a great tool for introverts to avoid social exhaustion!)
The bathroom is usually a quieter space than the main hall. So, at prom, every now and then excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. Don’t care if your friends think you have a bladder problem! Just say it’s because you’re drinking too much. Then, take your time in there, and do some breathing techniques that I’ll explain later in this post.
A friend to help
It’s important to have at least one friend who knows about your social anxiety at prom or who you can at least confide in when you’re feeling uncomfortable. This friend could be your salvation during this hectic time.
This friend should be someone you trust not to leave you stranded, not to dismiss your feelings, and someone who has a plan of action to help you in moments of panic.
My friend Allie helped me at prom by talking through things with me, going to the bathroom with me, or stepping outside for some fresh air when needed.
(This can also be a teacher).
An anchor mantra & action
Another tool is to have a mantra (saying, expression, phrase, or word) that feels good and calming for you. Or one that puts things into perspective for you.
Your mantra for anxiety could be:
“I am in control here and I want to be here.”
“I am having fun and my anxiety is not going to stop me.”
“I am safe, I am happy, I can do this.”
Something easy to repeat and something that you believe (even a little).
Another thing that can help is to have an action, movement, or something that you can do to anchor yourself into the present moment and which helps you to regain control and say your mantra.
This could be like touching the back of your neck with two fingers and tapping in a rhythm. Be aware of this touch, this action, and allow it to anchor you and show who’s in control. Then, say your mantra and do the breathwork below.
(This can be done discreetly at your table, on the dancefloor, outside, or in the bathroom).
Breathwork
Breathing is key for any anxiety relief. Of course, it doesn’t fix things forever, but it helps us to calm down in the moment and then move forward.
There are many breathing techniques to choose from (it’s about finding what works for you) but here are some to try:
Square technique: (aka Box Breathing) Exhale slowly for the count of four. Inhale slowly through the nose for the count of four. Hold gently for the count of four. And then exhale slowly for the count of four. Imagine you are shaping a square in doing so.
7-4-8: Close your mouth and inhale quietly through your nose to a mental count of four. Hold your breath for a count of seven. Exhale completely through your mouth, making a whoosh sound to a count of eight.
3 Deep Breaths: Take 3 deep breaths (eyes closed works wonders) then bring yourself back into the present moment.
Mindful Breathing: Focus on the travelling of the breath inside you, how it changes the shape of your body, and how it fills your lungs.
Remember why you’re there
Knowing our whys helps us to do things even when they’re scary. Anxiety has a way of making even small tasks very frightening, but knowing why we’re doing it, helps us to push past it.
Why are you at prom? Find a strong reason why and repeat it to yourself in anxious moments.
To celebrate the end of school with my friends.
To enjoy an important rite of passage in my life.
To have an excuse to wear an amazing dress or suit.
Refocus and Distract
With social anxiety, it’s important to not feed it. Once it comes, it demands our attention, but we can’t give it that attention. Instead, recognise that it has come and thank it for the warning and then distract yourself.
Dance. Chat. Sing. Take photos. Say your mantra. Do the breathwork. Play games. Run outside.
Do whatever distracts you from the anxiety. Focus your attention elsewhere. Be present where you are, and the anxiety will have less power over you.
A good tool is to do the 5 Senses technique. Take a moment to describe your situation with all 5 senses.
What can you see? Hear? Smell? Taste? Feel?
List them in your mind and really immerse yourself in them. This is mindfulness, present-ness, and awareness. This is relaxation, refocusing, and anxiety does not dwell here.
Good luck and happy Prom!
If you need any help in bettering your mental health, or better coping with anxiety, depression, and stress, then my book “You’re As Mad As I Am” may be for you. Check it out here, and download a free sample to see what it’s all about.
If you want to hire me to write about mental health (or other), then don’t hesitate to get in touch!
June 20, 2019
What It Means to Love Yourself Unconditionally
Whenever I advocate for self-love or acceptance, I don’t mean just love and accept yourself as you are and never work for or strive for better. I mean that you should love yourself unconditionally.
Let me explain…
Unconditional Love looks like
Think about someone that you love unconditionally. I’m going to use my mother for my example. My love for my mom isn’t based on how much she earns, what her body looks like, how intelligent she is or sounds, what she does with her days, how productive she is, or what she gives me.
I love my mom no matter what.
Her value doesn’t increase or decrease based on a list of factors.
Unconditional love for my mom means that even if we fight, I will still love her. That even if she says something hurtful, I still love her. That even if she disappoints me, I still love her. Even if she lets herself down and it makes me sad, I still love her.
Love without conditions. Deep, real, comfortable, warm love. Not surface-level, conditional, achievement-based love.
Love with conditions looks like
On the other hand, love with conditions is more of what I show towards myself (sometimes). I base my self-worth on my productivity and accomplishments more than anything else, personally.
I feel happy with myself, proud of myself, and in love with myself on days (weeks, months, years) when I’ve done a lot. When my to-do list is fully ticked off. When I have done something big and bold and gone out of my comfort zone and achieved something new.
This is great. This makes sense. But…
That means that on days when I don’t achieve big, I love myself less. I beat myself up. I get angry or sad. I compare. I decrease my value. I say “I better get my shit together.”
Now flip that around. Imagine saying that to your mother (or whoever you chose as someone you love unconditionally).
Mom, you didn’t achieve anything big today, this week, this month, and so I love you less.
Mom, you’re such a loser.
Mom, I hate you, you’re stupid, fat, poor and weak.
Mom, you’re not as cool, smart, or attractive and successful as my friend’s moms.
Mom, I value you less, you have no worth to me right now.
Mom, you made a mistake and that makes me so angry that I love you less.
Mom, you better get your shit together if you want me to love you.
Putting it this way, makes me feel sick to my stomach. It makes me want to cry. I wouldn’t dare say that to my mom or even think it. It’s awful. It’s wrong.
It should be no different with ourselves. We have every right (and it’s natural) to want to be and do our best. There’s nothing wrong with self-improvement and personal development and growth. But you must, MUST, cultivate unconditional love for yourself as the foundations for this growth journey.
Unconditional self-love looks like
I know you didn’t get much done today, and that’s OK, we’ll figure out why together and try again another day. I love you.
I know that your friend started writing after you and has found financial and personal success in ways you have yet to, and that’s OK. We each have our own timelines, and everything you do is bringing you a tiny step closer. We can do this together, focus on yourself, OK? I love you.
I know you don’t feel like going to the gym today, is it a real reason or one that we can work on and move past in order to go? I love you, and so I think we should go or at least work out at home, OK?
I know you are tired and stressed, how about you take a break and organise yourself so that you can work on things from a better state of mind? I love you.
Practising Unconditional Self-love
Set boundaries and mantras
A boundary is deciding and holding to what is and isn’t OK for you. This is something you can set for yourself personally, or for other people.
For example, “I don’t drink alcohol at home” or “I don’t use my phone or watch TV in bed”
Having healthy boundaries in place will help you to make better decisions, keep to your values, protect yourself and your space, and ensure others respect you. Why does this help with unconditional self-love? Because it encourages you to get clear on what your values are, what your beliefs are, and what is and isn’t OK.
Having a boundary like “I will always do my best and failure or shortcomings don’t mean that I get to beat myself up” is powerful and is enforcing unconditional self-love.
Boundaries or mantras for self-love:
I will end each day with gratitude and love for myself
I will start each day with intention and authenticity
I won’t let others determine my worth
I won’t like accomplishments determine my worth
After 6pm is me-time
Journal
Every now and then, journal on topics like:
What I love about myself
What makes me feel worthy
Who makes me feel worthy
What brings me joy
Thoughts that serve me; thoughts that don’t
Use this information to strengthen your self-love. Use this time to work on any insecurities or habits and behaviours that chip away at your self-love and self-worth in order to fix them and rewrite them.
Self-awareness
Sometimes we aren’t aware of the thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that we are habitually doing which tear away our self-worth. Like how you speak to yourself when you have a poor (or nonexistent) gym session. Or how you stuff yourself with food after a bad week at work.
Being self-aware can help you to spot and recognise reoccurring habits, thoughts, feelings and situations. Then, once we’re aware of them, we can begin rethinking, challenging, fixing, and replacing where needed.
Accountability
Hold your hands up to your choices and habits that are making your life harder. This isn’t about blame or beating yourself up, of course, this is about saying “I’ve been hating myself with my thoughts and choices and this is leading to my constant unhappiness.”
Be self-aware to notice that when I do XYZ, this leads me to XYZ, which makes me feel XYZ and then hold yourself accountable for this in order to bring the power back to yourself and make a change.
*Blame, self-hate and conditions sounds like, “I can’t believe you ate that cake slice, you fat pig! You always do this. You have no self-control. You’re a loser. You will always be fat and it’s your own fault. No one is going to love you this way.”
*Accountability sounds like, “I know that I shouldn’t have eaten that cake slice and so I will put a plan in place and take action to ensure I know when I should and shouldn’t have the cake in the future.”
Hold yourself accountable for your actions and your life, but don’t ever put conditions on how much you’re worth.
Inner Voice
This is the big one. It is usually our inner voice that is shouting out negative thoughts like “you aren’t worthy unless you XYZ.” It makes you hustle for your worth, as Brene Brown says.
Silence, tackle or talk over this negative inner voice.
Mantras help. Journalling helps. But awareness is usually what it takes to make a change.
Comparison: conditional versus unconditional self-love
I have £3 in my bank account, I’m a loser. I have £3,000 in my bank account, I’m the best.
= CONDITIONAL
I wrote 500 words today, I’m a failure. I wrote 3 chapters today, I’m the greatest writer ever!
= CONDITIONAL
I didn’t write a blog post today, and that’s OK, I’m still worthy. I wrote 5 blog posts today, and that’s great, I’m still just as worthy
= UNCONDITIONAL
I read 1 page today, and that’s OK, I’m still worthy. I read 50 pages today, and that’s great, I’m still just as worthy
= UNCONDITIONAL
Your self-worth, your value, your love for yourself cannot and should not be on the conditions that:
You looked attractive and was complimented today
You got many things done today
You worked out and ate healthy today
You read enough today
You made good money and used your money well today
You landed a job, opportunity, client, or whatever else today
You were seen, validated, and approved by others today
OR ANYTHING ELSE
This is not a matter of blind acceptance, complacency, laziness, enabling bad things, or anything else.
This is saying to yourself, and truly frickin believing, that you should love yourself no matter what. On the good days and the bad days.
Just like you wouldn’t dare love your mother on conditions, don’t except, enable, or believe that for yourself.
You are worthy of unconditional love.
Digestible summary and mantra:
I love myself unconditionally, on a deep level, which means no matter how things go or what I do, I still recognise that I am worthy of love every day.
Video: Feeling Stuck – We Need to Decide
If you feel stuck or lost and need a change that just won’t come, give this video a watch…
Click to play!
Don’t forget to like, comment, and subscribe to my YouTube channel and site if you enjoy being inspired each day!
June 19, 2019
The Power of Unlearning
“When any real progress is made, we unlearn and learn anew what we thought we knew before.” Henry David Thoreau
There is a real power in unlearning life lessons. As we grow, we experience things that shape us into who we are. Our upbringing, our environment, our education, social interactions, identity, skills, dreams, beliefs, they are all shaped and reshaped over time.
As we go, we learn new things. Our intelligence grows. Our minds are filled. Our lives change. We change.
But what holds us back? What is going against us? What keeps us from succeeding? From being happy? From being free?
The wrong lessons we learned, the lies we told ourselves, and the things we held onto that were simply untrue.
So, what do we do?
We unlearn these lessons…
Why you need to do some “unlearning”
“To attain knowledge, add things every day. To attain wisdom, remove things every day.” Lao Tzu
Unlearning helps us to move past things that are no longer serving us. It helps us to finally say, “No, I don’t think so. Not anymore,” and then move forwards with a new mindset.
With unlearning, we can:
Rewrite our beliefs
Change our mindsets
Do deep self-work
Understand our emotions and behaviours (Emotional Intelligence)
Write our own rulebooks and live freely
“Transformation is often more about unlearning than learning.” Richard Rohr
Unlearn the lessons from trauma
It is important that you unlearn anything that was taught during or after traumatic experiences of any kind.
That you are less than. That you deserve this. That you are weak or poor or broken. That you will always fail or lose or be beneath everyone else.
These are lies. These are ugly, horrid beliefs that were pushed onto you during a troubled time which are just not true at all. Teach yourself a new lesson. Show yourself that you are worthy, beautiful, important, and valued.
“When you’re born in a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire. But it’s not.” — Richard Kadrey
Unlearn the lessons from childhood
“The mind is slow to unlearn what it learnt early.” Seneca
Consciously or not, we all learn lessons from our early years that aren’t exactly good for us. Things that we assume are right and true because authority figures like parents or teachers taught us (or showed us) that it was. But, of course, it may not be true. At least, not for you personally, anyway.
Common childhood lessons that limit us are:
You have to work hard, get good grades, and make a lot of money
Safe and secure over risk and daring
Marriage and kids are a must
Poor grades = poor life
Money beliefs
Relationship beliefs
Core values
Religion or spiritual beliefs
Community, class, or racial beliefs
“You must unlearn what you have been programmed to believe since birth. That software no longer serves you if you want to live in a world where all things are possible.” Jacqueline E. Purcell
Unlearn the rules of society
Our world can be so big, open, abundant and beautiful at times. In other times, it can be ugly, limiting, and cruel. We must unlearn the things that our society taught us. Unlearn the way things are “supposed to be” and the “right way” to do things.
There is no right way. There is no rulebook.
As long as you’re a good human being, you can live your life as you see fit.
“Resist. Unlearn. Defy.” Jeff Hardy
Unlearn the lies you told yourself
It’s not just everyone else who is to blame. Sometimes, it’s us who teaches ourselves bad lessons.
Like when we failed that one time and we told ourselves (repeatedly) that we were failures, losers, idiots, and everything else. And then, we started to believe it. And then, we internalised it. And then, we identified with it. And then, we locked it away deep within and forgot to let it go.
No, no, no!
Unlearn:
The negative self-talk
The limits to who you are and who you can be
The rules you set for yourself
The downright wrong core beliefs about yourself
The insecurities
The life sentence you gave yourself for your mistakes
Perhaps it’s not about learning to love or trust ourselves, it’s about unlearning the hate and the limitations.
Unlearn who they used to be
The same should be said for those you know and love. People don’t stay the same forever. Your parents, your siblings, your childhood friends, your partner; they all change over time just as you do. Each year, month, week, day, you must unlearn what you thought you knew about them, and get acquainted with who they are now.
Let people be themselves. Don’t hold them back by trying to force them to be who they were before.
If your relationship changes because of it, so be it. If you lose touch, it wasn’t meant to be.
Unlearn habits and beliefs
“A good deal of education consists of unlearning – the breaking of bad habits.” Mary McCarthy
Habits, beliefs, and behaviours are formed naturally. Through repetition, we become a creature of habit. Without thinking, you just act. This is not to say that you have no control over your actions. Oh no! Instead, we must simply unlearn these habits, beliefs, and behaviours.
This isn’t easy, by any means, but it is doable and it is important.
Bad habits can ruin our lives. This is not things like smoking or overeating (though, these are bad) it can be things like getting up late, going on Pinterest every ten minutes, leaving dishes on the side, not formatting your work properly, and so on.
If you want to know why things aren’t working for you, look to your habits and beliefs. If you want to be successful in making changes, get to unlearning past habits and learning new ones.
The Unlearning
Not everything you learn in life is true, valuable, important, or for you on a personal level. Whether it’s a lesson from parents, upbringing, society, TV, friends, education, books, experiences, or yourself; they can be limiting, damaging, and downright bad for us!
Taking the time to become self-aware enough to notice the things that aren’t serving you is the first step to unlearning.
Then, you need to be more mindful and intentional about your actions, beliefs, habits, interactions, goals, and so on.
For anything that is highly damaging, do the self-work, the emotional work, to get through it and rewrite what you thought you knew.
Unlearn:
I am the victim
I am the villain
I can’t do this
I can’t make a living that way
High productivity, big bank account, and slim waist = Worthy
Gender Norms
Life is out of my control
*I believe a journal, a meditative practice, and people you trust are key to unlearning. Good books, keen insights, and inspiration from those whose advice resonates with you is good, too.*
Good luck x
June 18, 2019
How to be Authentic
We’re often told to “be authentic” in order to be happy. But what does that mean? How does it serve us? And how do we be authentic anyway? Here are some of my thoughts…
What is authenticity?
Authenticity is “of undisputed origin and not a copy; genuine” or “person, object, or emotion is genuine.”
True
Real
Original
Genuine
Not fake or false
Being authentic means not hiding, shrinking, lying, changing, reshaping, puffing up, or neglecting who you really are.
Why authenticity matters
Being authentic, real, true to you is empowering. It gives you confidence. Freedom. Respect. Power. Honesty. And more.
When you are the real you, you never need to worry or hide or be on edge about what you really think or feel.
When you are the real you, you attract the right people to you. You find belonging, true communal belonging, instead of hustling for worthiness by trying to fit in with the wrong people.
You free yourself from pressure, expectation, rules, systems, boxes, labels, and more and you’re suddenly just liberated; free to just be.
Sounds like bliss to me!
Here’s how to be authentic…
Unlearn what you were told to be
“There is this ideal of what you’re supposed to be, and a lot of us end up orphaning the parts of ourselves that don’t fit with that ideal.” – Brene Brown
It’s not your fault. Most of us are taught how we should act, what we should do, and what’s right or wrong from a young age. We never question these teachings because they come from a person with authority: our parental figures, elders, teachers, politicians, doctors, people on TV and so on.
But what if I told you that it’s not true? Not all of it, anyway.
It is for each of us to decide what is real and true and important for our own lives. Living is a personal venture! We may share similar paths, but there is no rulebook. No one-size-fits-all way of living and being.
And so, you do you!
Actively take the time to witness and analyse what you have been taught about life, the world, and yourself. What are your beliefs and are they actually serving you? Are they accurate, fair, or valuable to you and your personal wants and needs? No? Then adjust!
Remove society from your thoughts
If you allow yourself to worry too much about society’s norms, you’re guaranteed to become conflicted about who you are. You begin to think of yourself and your choices as ticks in boxes on a sheet.
Mixed Black and White Carribean – Tick
Straight Female – Tick
Writer – Tick
Kind person – Tick
British – Tick
Educated – …
And then, you start to think that you and your life choices need to fit into these neat boxes. You never explore your sexuality because you best stay in your box. You never behave in the way you want to behave because your ethnicity shouldn’t act that way. You never branch out and do other things because you better stay in your lane and keep doing the job you studied and worked for.
No, no, no!
Just be! Be you. Explore you. Grow.
Just do what feels right and natural and exciting. Don’t worry about labels, expectations, or norms. You don’t need to fit into boxes and wear labels with their list of traits and assumptions. Labels suck!
Free yourself. Let society slip from your mind by throwing out the labels and must-dos.
Get to know yourself
You can’t really, truly be authentic if you don’t even know who you are. Many of us live our lives on autopilot, just doing and talking and reacting without being aware of it. Instead, think about how great life could be if you knew who you were!
You’d be more confident, empowered, genuine, free, strong, and informed. Knowing yourself helps you to understand why you do what you do, why you want what you want, and how to live your best life.
Take some time to get to know yourself:
Quiet time & Alone time – You can’t really know yourself if you’re never alone with yourself! Incorporate time alone into your routine. Meditation is a good one, but you can do this however suits you. As long as you’re quiet, still, and alone, you are bound to introspect and reflect, which helps you to tap into thoughts, feelings, and emotions that give an insight into who you really are.
Journal & Documentation – This is my favourite as it has helped me learn things about myself on a deeper level. Write about how you feel and what has happened. Then, take a moment to analyse it; Why did it occur? What was it really about? Patterns will manifest and provide information about who you are and what you regularly do.
Self-awareness and Attention – Simply, you need self-awareness in order to learn about yourself and your life. Pay attention to your day-to-day and come at it with a curious mindset. What does this mean? Do I really do that? Why?
Give yourself self-worth
Self-worth is not something that just happens or is given to you; it’s a practice. You need to actively practice giving yourself worth regularly.
Check out my post on self-worth here.
When you place your worth in someone or something else’s hands, you are stealing from yourself every day. You’re saying that your worth is up for debate. That it is something you win or lose. Something that’s on trial.
No, no, no!
You are worthy, simple.
Give that power back to yourself. Your worth is not determined by some ridiculous points based system on how much money you make, what you own, what you drive, how hard you work, what you achieve, what you look like, what you create, or other.
YOU ARE GOOD AND VALUABLE AND WORTHY AS YOU ARE.
To be authentic and true to you is to never give the power of determining your self-worth to anyone else.
Be intentional and mindful in your decisions
Why are you doing or saying or acting the way you are? Are you wearing your hair that way because you want to and you like it, or because you think you’ll fit in and look prettier that way? Are you studying that course because you enjoy it or want to pursue it, or because your friends are or your parents want you to?
Authentic decisions come from a place of real intention and self-truth. We often do things without thinking or without actually knowing the why behind it. This is down to emotional decision making, or basing our decisions on society or the opinions of others, or through thoughtless schema-based decisions on what you think is right or expected or normal.
But sometimes in life, things aren’t that simple.
I bet many of us grew up believing in this golden formula:
Good Education – Good Job – Good Money – Married – Family – Retire – Die Happy
Thankfully, many people have come along to prove that this isn’t the only way to be happy and successful in life. But it is the way to ensure that everyone around you agrees with your choices! Society, your parents, and your peers are likely to accept and validate this formula if you live this way. It’s tried and true, after all!
But authentic living means going against the grain if it doesn’t feel right for you. It means letting go of expectation and what others think (as mentioned before). It’s about getting clear on your intentions and being mindful of your decisions when you’re taking steps in life.
How to be intentional and mindful:
Self-awareness – I’ve already touched on this. Being aware of what you do, think, and want and then using that information to be more purposeful about your decisions.
Taking your time – Rushing and reacting is the opposite of mindfulness and intention. Instead, take your time. Look within. Breathe. What do you want, need, or value? How can you make the right decisions that suit those wants and needs?
Write it out – It’s good to write things down. Not only does it help you understand and see clearly, it also serves as a reminder when confused or conflicted. I’ve written out life mission statements and my truths to remind me when I’m feeling lost or in doubt that “this is what I want and need and everything must be in service to that.”
Know your why – Don’t just do and act, think about why! Why study that course? Why move to that city? Why date that girl? Why run that business? Why? If you know why, you know whether it’s authentic and You, or inauthentic and coming from somewhere else.
Self-talk – It’s not just society that’s against us, unfortunately, it’s also our worst critic: Ourselves. Be aware of your self-talk. What are you saying to yourself on a regular basis? Is it affecting your actions, beliefs and decisions? If so, rewire your thoughts. Use a mantra or reminder that you know who you really are and what you want and the negative self-talk is inauthentic and not true. This will help you make decisions with intention because you’re mindful of the thoughts behind them.
Belief system analysis – Question your beliefs. Question what you have come to accept as real and true. This will help you to reset (or set) intentions with real, strong, true foundations.
Knowing what you really want – Of course, you must first take some time to get clear on what you actually want (see above) if you want to be intentional in your decision making.
Conclusion
Being authentic can be difficult at times, but once you start trying to make it your life, you realise that it is easier than trying to fit in, impress, or simply be something that you’re not.
Authenticity is all about:
Mindset – Rewiring how you think about the world, your life, and yourself.
Decisions – Making decisions with real purpose and intention.
Inner truth – Knowing who you are and what is of value to you and servicing that.
Expression – Wearing your inside on the outside and creatively sharing yourself with peers who deserve, appreciate, respect and value the real you.
Vision – Having an image of what you want your life to be and who you want to be and working towards that; not because it’s what’s right or expected, but because it was the message of your spirit all along.
Are you living authenticly?
Video: Do You Have The Right Tribe?
Take a look at your friends and family, who are they? Who are you with them? Are they right for you? Are you fitting in or truly belonging? We are a product of our environment which includes who we hang out with. Pick yours carefully…
Don’t forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel for updates. And follow my site for weekly inspo…
June 17, 2019
Video: Putting Life Into Perspective
It only takes an anniversary, a birthday, a public holiday for us to reflect on those we’ve lost and suddenly begin to put life into perspective…
Click to watch…
Don’t forget to like, comment, and subscribe to my YouTube channel for weekly inspiration in the form of videos. And, of course, follow my site for your dose of inspo in all forms!
Podcast: We Make Life Harder
I think that we all have a bad habit of making our lives harder than they need to be. With perspective, present-ness, and awareness, we can see things as they really are, though. We can begin to see what really matters…
Click to play!
https://thewritewayme.files.wordpress.com/2019/06/we-make-life-harder.mp3
Don’t forget to follow my podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. And, of course, follow my site for regular blog posts to inspire you every week!
June 14, 2019
Looking Back At Past Creations
When looking back at your old work, you can feel upset. Disappointed in what you thought was good back then.
Some look back and compare and are like “I’m so glad I’m better now” or they look back and cringe and get annoyed.
Neither really works.
We should instead look back and see our journey of growth.
I can look at published work from 5 years ago and get angry at myself. Or I can look back at 5 years ago, 3 years ago, 1 year ago, and today and not compare or trash, but instead see the progression. The journey. The growth.
I believe in learning through doing. There’s a lot to be learned in a classroom but if you never do anything, you won’t progress. We learn from our mistakes. We learn what doesn’t work. What we don’t enjoy.
If I never wrote failed blogs, I’d never do this successful one.
If I never wrote failed books, I’d never one day write my most successful one.
The sad thing for creators is that our growth is nearly always done in public. You’re on display in ways that others aren’t (or can at least avoid should they wish).
The easy answer: Don’t put your work out there.
But you can’t hide your work away until it’s perfect because “perfect” for you will change as you do. And besides, perfection doesn’t even exist.
“Perfect is the enemy of good.”
Perfectionism kills dreams. The fear of failure kills dreams.
“I’ll just do one more edit. I’ll just wait until I’m better at XYZ…” – You’ll be waiting and editing forever…
I’d rather do and publish and look back and cringe, than never do, never publish, never grow or learn.
It may sting in the process, but you learn from it if you keep your eyes open, your heart right, and do what you do for the right reasons.
Someone once asked me if I regret publishing my first book because I later republished it twice as new editions. My answer is no, not at all. Why? The books may be flawed but they were my best back then. I don’t think I’d have written better books without first writing those.
They were the leg up I needed, too. They gave me confidence in myself and my abilities and gave me job opportunities that I wouldn’t have gotten otherwise.
And yes, I could have written them and not published them. You can still grow from unpublished things. But the problem with that is there’s nothing pushing you to grow. There’s no real reason to because no one is watching.
And how are you to receive criticism and praise and know what works and what doesn’t without an audience? Without this data, this information, I wouldn’t be able to analyse my work in quite the same way.
And again, there are teachers. Study and a teacher will help you to grow. Yes, they will; they should. But remember that as a creator, especially a writer, you won’t be writing for academics and scholars who understand conventions and rules and structure etc. You’re writing for the average Joe. And so who better to learn from, and who better to read your work for you, than the average Joe?
So yeah, I just wanted to share that you should not look back at your past creations with anger, resentment, guilt, or whatever else. It should show your growth. Your bravery to put yourself out there. Your dedication to your craft and getting better.
We learn through creating, time and again; putting it out on display, time and again; and seeing what works and what doesn’t. It’s a simple formula that works, if you can just withstand the icky bits in the middle.
Keep at it. Keep moving forwards.
June 13, 2019
Why You Need To Understand Your Emotions (Part Two)
*Part two, see Part One here*
Knowing how to process and cope with emotions
It’s so natural to say “control your emotions” but there is so much more power in learning to understand, interpret and express emotions instead. Emotions aren’t our enemy. They’re not some annoying thing to control or hide or defeat. We can’t pick and choose which emotions we want to feel and which we want to cast aside.
I used to say that I wish I didn’t care anymore. As a highly sensitive, emotional person, my emotions can feel like a burden at times. I’d try to switch them off “like others do” and finally be free. But alas, that did not happen.
Because emotions are a key part of the human experience. We all want to experience joy, but to choose joy is to choose all the other emotions too.
So, we now know that we don’t want to suppress or defeat or control emotions, instead interpret and process them, but how do we do it?
Explore emotions, says Brene Brown. Recognise that emotions have come up and get curious about them.
“What am I feeling? What’s going on here? What do I need to know more about?” – Brene Brown
Emotions, as said in part one, are a signal from the mind that something has happened. That a situation, event, or interaction has caused you to feel something. And that something could be a plethora of things (one of the 27 emotions, discussed in part one).
I think the first thing we need to do is be able to just stop. Take a step back and witness the emotional reactions. “I’m feeling something.” This part is often skipped over. People simply react or sit in the emotion, without even taking a moment to mindfully witness, “I’m having an emotional reaction here.”
Saying this can be a great way to get used to witnessing emotions if you’re a beginner.
The next thing to do is to do as Brene says, get curious. What could the emotion be telling you? What triggered it? Can you name the emotion? If so, why that emotion, do you think?
I believe that simply being able to find and name (even roughly) an emotion is the most powerful part of being able to process them. It’s like witnessing a crime and naming the perpetrator; all you need to do then is get their motive out of them!
Why are you here? What do I need? What is this about? What can I do going forwards?
The most important step in coping with emotions is not being reactive or reckless or a victim of it. Taking a breath, pausing, and looking within before acting.
Daniel Goleman, “Mindful meditation has been discovered to foster the ability to inhibit those very quick emotional impulses.”
Behaviours, Actions, Reactions
“Emotions and feelings can lead us to do things in the heat of the moment, but if we make an effort to identify and differentiate them, they become easier to modify,” Goleman, 1996
Emotions and Feelings are different:
Imotions says,
Emotions are neurological reactions to an emotional stimulus.
Feelings are sparked by emotions and coloured by personal experiences, beliefs, memories, and thoughts linked to that particular emotion.
A feeling is the side product of your brain perceiving an emotion and assigning a certain meaning to it.
FUN FACT: Emotional memories are usually perceived stronger and long-lasting.
ExploringYourMind says,
Feelings cause us to pay attention and react to the perceived threats or opportunities. We’re acting on emotional data.
Feelings result from abstract thinking. But emotions are innate.
Feelings originate from our interpretation of events and sensations.
Emotions represent the body’s alarm and survival system.
In order to have a feeling, it’s necessary to think about what has happened (value the emotion), reflect on how we behaved, and thus begin to elaborate on it psychologically.*
The basic and universal emotions always move us to either act or stop acting.
In the movie Inside Out, for example, Sadness makes us distance ourselves from others.
However, feelings are much more varied and slow. They lead us to reflect on what we can do to stop feeling uncomfortable or unpleasant.
This helps me to understand something that I didn’t before about emotions. Emotions are the physiological reactions to a stimulus, while the identification of it and the meaning behind it is a Feeling. Very interesting!
So, when we act from our emotions, it’s fair to say that little thought has gone into it. It’s instinctual. Primal. Reactive. Think of an animal backed into a corner, lashing out in fear. This is what happens when we act from fast emotions without taking the time to identify, process, and feel them.
Simply turning the emotion into a feeling, can help us to take their power away. Not in a negative sense, but I mean we disallow the emotion to cause us to do something rash. Instead, emotions need a little help. They need cognition; thought.
This is how we get our power back.
When thought and emotion come together, we get feeling, and with feeling we can know what is happening and make better choices on how to progress in any given situation.
ExploringYourMind, “While emotions require disconnection (for example, to avoid increasing anger and losing control), feelings need to be heard and redirected.”
Behaviours, actions, reactions, they can all be better organised and used when we act from understood feelings rather than premature emotions.
For me, this is identifying where the emotion came from and vocalising it:
Shame – I’m ashamed of myself for not exercising so I get defensive and angry at my mom when she comments on my clothes.
Judgement – I feel judged for having chosen to follow my dream of being a farmer and so I feel contempt in my body when with my family.
Criticism – I feel criticised for having written that blog post poorly and that made me feel stupid, not enough, and ashamed of my work which manifested as anger, sadness, and fear.
Not enough-ness – I don’t feel good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, cool enough to be here or do that, and this made me feel sad, angry, envious, contemptuous, disgusted, confused, anxious…
Fear – I got angry and my stomach churned because I’m afraid to be in this vulnerable moment right now.
Comparison – I’m jealous of what that girl has on Instagram and that made me envious which felt like sadness and anger and disgust in myself.
Self-righteousness – I think I’m better than him and that’s why I got angry when he proved me wrong and shame washed over me.
The power of words here is astonishing! Recognising what’s beneath the surface causing the emotions, and then turning them into processible and understandable feelings means we have the information needed to cope.
The Emotions of others
VeryWellMind says, “A large part of emotional intelligence is being able to think about and empathize with how other people are feeling. This often involves considering how you would respond if you were in the same situation.”
This is so beautiful and necessary and often missing from our society. Empathy is wonderful. It’s one of my superpowers!
Being able to take a step back from a situation, think about it from another’s point of view, and then change the way you treat them because of it, is a courageous and compassionate thing. It can create and saviour relationships. It builds connection. It takes the pain away. It kills hard emotions like shame.
When learning about your own emotions, don’t forget to use this new found information when interacting with others, too.
For example, my mom came downstairs to me and asked for my advice. I get annoyed at her for this, as I feel she asks for my advice too often. With my newfound learnings, I breathed through my emotional reaction of frustration/annoyance and instead found compassion.
I looked at it from her perspective: She was feeling insecure about her hair and wanted help through that. I then gave my advice with a smile and kindness that she clearly didn’t expect at first but greatly appreciated in the end.
Emotions are tied to most things in life
Love
Work
Passions
Habits
Eating
Communication
Energy levels
Stress
Activity
Loss
Triumph
Pain
Abilities
Learning
Belonging
Entertainment
So, if you don’t understand, recognise, or process your emotions, then you aren’t really paying attention to life as a whole and what it means for you on a personal level.
You love that TV show but why? I know I love shows like Friends and HIMYM and Brooklyn 99 and Parks and Rec because I love the friendships and camaraderie shown in them, because I want that for myself and my own life.
Knowledge is power. Self-knowledge is empowering.
Learning about your emotions and feelings is a pathway to learning about yourself, the world around you, why you do what you do, what you want or need, how you love, why you have certain habits, and so much more. It really is life-changing…
Take the time to explore your emotions. Read up on emotional intelligence, like I am, if you want to better experience life.
If you read to the end of both these posts on emotions, then thank you!
I know they were very rough, as I’m just learning about emotions and their depth for myself. But I wanted to share my thoughts so far, to encourage more people to get curious about their emotions and what role they’re playing in their lives.
I’m sure more is to come on this topic!
Sources:
https://www.berkeleywellness.com/healthy-mind/mind-body/article/how-many-emotions-do-we-have
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/hide-and-seek/201601/what-are-basic-emotions
https://psychcentral.com/news/2017/09/08/new-study-emotions-abound-with-27-different-varieties
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-many-emotions-are-there-2795179
https://www.verywellmind.com/finally-understanding-emotions-2337745
https://www.verywellmind.com/theories-of-emotion-2795717
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-emotional-intelligence-2795423
