S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 61
June 12, 2019
Why You Need To Understand Your Emotions (Part One)
*Part One*
What are the main emotions?
Let me start off by saying that there are many ideas about this. When I went digging, I expected to find one concrete answer, but no! Many psychologists and philosophers have agonised for centuries over the concept of emotions; which we have and what they mean and so on. But still, there is no one definite answer, because, well, humans are complex!
Instead, I’ll share what I found about the key findings on emotion. (Sorry for the information overload but I promise, it’s interesting stuff!)
Aristotle’s List of Emotion, Aristotle “proposed 14 distinct emotional expressions: fear, confidence, anger, friendship, calm, enmity, shame, shamelessness, pity, kindness, envy, indignation, emulation, and contempt.”
Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions: Plutchik proposed eight basic emotions—joy, sadness, trust, disgust, fear, anger, surprise, and anticipation— “which he believed overlapped and bled into the next like hues on a colour wheel.”
For example, anticipation plus joy might come together to create optimism, while fear and surprise might join to create awe.
These were seen as “unconnected islands.”
*Dacher Keltner of Berkley University found, “human emotions are not limited to the typically recognized six—happy, sad, frightened, angry, surprised, and disgusted…there are 27 distinct emotions that we experience.”
According to Keltner, the 27 Emotions are, in alphabetical order:
Admiration
Adoration
Aesthetic Appreciation
Amusement
Anxiety
Awe
Awkwardness
Boredom
Calmness
Confusion
Craving
Disgust
Empathetic pain
Entrancement
Envy
Excitement
Fear
Horror
Interest
Joy
Nostalgia
Romance
Sadness
Satisfaction
Sexual desire
Sympathy
Triumph
Unlike the idea that each emotional state is an “island”, the study found that “there are smooth gradients of emotion between, say, awe and peacefulness, horror and sadness, and amusement and adoration,” Keltner said. (sources listed below)
Psychology Today says, “Being hardwired, basic emotions (or ‘affect programs’) are innate and universal, automatic, and fast, and trigger behaviour with a high survival value.
“One hypothesis is that basic emotions can function as building blocks, with more complex emotions being blends of basic ones. For instance, contempt could amount to a blend of anger and disgust.
“Although basic emotions have been compared to programs, it does seem that their potential objects are open to cultural conditioning. If poor Tim fears having missed his exam, this is in large part because of the value that his culture and micro-culture attach to academic success. ”
Knowing what they do for you
Now that all the scientific side is out of the way, you can now hear from me again!
I think being able to describe or name an emotion is difficult. Perhaps this is why so many of us are emotion-averse. We don’t understand what we’re feeling or why and can’t even put a name to it sometimes.
But I think it is incredibly important to first know that your emotions aren’t something that just happens to you. They’re there for a reason. This is where emotional intelligence comes in, it helps us to be better at finding those reasons.
Emotional Intelligence “the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.”
Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer on Emotional Intelligence says, “the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions.”
Salovey and Mayer proposed a model that identified four different levels of emotional intelligence: emotional perception, the ability to reason using emotions, the ability to understand emotion, and the ability to manage emotions. (Read more in-depth on the VeryWellMind site).
Emotions play many roles, but in a nutshell, they are a response to a stimulus. They are a way of saying, “hey, something is going on here.”
VeryWellMind says, “The emotional area of our brain, known as the Amygdala, sends signals to our bodies based on situations that we find ourselves in. Such signals prepare us to deal with the situations that we encounter.”
So, if you get sad when you see that your sister is about to jet off to Thailand (like I did last year), then this is your emotions telling you that you have a dream of doing something so daring and new and exciting, too. And that you’re sad that you aren’t doing it.
Or if someone calls you stupid and you get angry or sad, it’s your emotions highlighting insecurities within you. A shame trigger, as Brene Brown would put it. You have a fear that you aren’t intelligent, or at least compared to others, and this makes you sad and brings you shame. And so, when people call you stupid, you react with anger or sadness.
Your emotions are a signal; a red light; an indicator of something deeper under the surface.
Recognising them and what they mean
Daniel Goleman, basically the founder of modern emotional intelligence as a concept, says, “The emotional brain responds to an event more quickly than the thinking brain.”
This could be why we feel things and don’t know it or what it’s about. It’s because even before our brains can catch up, our emotions are at play. They’re instinctual, reactive, quick.
Emotional responses to situations can look like the following:
Tension in the muscles
Upset stomach
Facial expressions
Gulping
Fidgeting
Sweating
Red face (blushing)
Squinting or wincing
Freezing up
Crossing arms
Biting nails
And so on…
Instead of just feeling an emotion or witnessing it in someone else and just accepting it, we need to try to ask why, too. This is where interpretation and analysis takes place. Knowing the why behind emotional reactions can be incredibly informative, insightful, and life-changing.
When you begin to understand why your emotions have popped up, you can begin to understand yourself. Knowing yourself is a beautiful and empowering, though complex thing. Knowing emotional triggers can help you to understand, predict, and govern yourself with more awareness, intention, and authenticity.
We’ll talk more in-depth about emotional reactions, behaviours, triggers, insecurities, and more in Part Two.
See part two here…
Sources:
https://www.berkeleywellness.com/healthy-mind/mind-body/article/how-many-emotions-do-we-have
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/hide-and-seek/201601/what-are-basic-emotions
https://psychcentral.com/news/2017/09/08/new-study-emotions-abound-with-27-different-varieties
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-many-emotions-are-there-2795179
https://www.verywellmind.com/finally-understanding-emotions-2337745
https://www.verywellmind.com/theories-of-emotion-2795717
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-emotional-intelligence-2795423
https://www.verywellmind.com/theories-of-emotion-2795717
June 11, 2019
Vulnerability: Do You Run, Fight, Or Freeze?
We’ve all heard of the Fight or Flight response, where in dangerous or scary situations, we either run or fight due to the adrenaline arming our bodies against the stimuli. But there’s a third option that’s often left out: Freeze.
So, when the going gets tough; when you’re vulnerable, afraid, on display, and in danger, what do you do? Run, fight, or freeze?
Defining Vulnerability
Before I get into each point, I wanted to briefly define vulnerability. Vulnerability is “the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.”
Brené Brown says vulnerability is defined as “uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.”
So, we feel vulnerable in tough, scary, uncertain, or emotion-triggering situations.
*Check out my post on the power of Vulnerability for more.
Run
I see this one as burying your head in the sand. Like with ostriches, who apparently bury their head in the sand to hide from danger.
Ostrich Syndrome “a person who attempts to ignore unpleasant facts or situations.”
People who face vulnerable situations and run are those who will sooner ignore or suppress emotions that they’re uncomfortable with. They will deny, lie, and hide to avoid feeling these hard emotions.
Some people are not good with emotions. Either they lack emotional intelligence, emotional agility, or emotional resilience. They don’t know their emotions, they don’t know what they do for them, they don’t know how to process them or use them, and so they hide from them instead.
Running in the face of vulnerability is no good. It means you won’t face your fears. It means you won’t overcome hardships. It means you won’t learn lessons about yourself or life or the world. It means you won’t make real, lasting connections of love and belonging and trust.
Suppressed emotions don’t go away. Instead, they fester. They grow and get restless and manifest in other more harmful ways.
If you recognise that you run in the face of vulnerability, then you need to start to witness and process your emotions in a healthier way.
Fight
I think I’m a fighter. This can be good and bad! Firstly, in the face of adversity or vulnerability, these people will confront the situation or problem or emotion head-on. This can be good because, of course, we need to deal with things in life to get past them and take their power away.
However, sometimes these people are too quick to fight. They make rash decisions or actions in the hope of defeating a problem, but end up making it worse.
These people can also become naturals at arming themselves against problems. Always ready for battle even when there is nothing to fight. They get defensive. They are always in attack mode.
These people can be brave enough to face tough emotions or situations one minute, but high-strung and anxious the next. Their natural instinct to fight makes them on-edge and defensive. They find problems to fix where there aren’t any. They snap or are irritable with people because they are always vigilant and feel like threats are everywhere.
If you are like me and you’re this kind of person in the face of vulnerability, ensure you’re using your battle skills for the right reasons. Ensure you confront what needs confronting, instead of creating battles for the sake of fighting.
Freeze
Lastly, there’s those who freeze. These people do nothing. They panic, choke up and end up being paralysed by fear. They are victims of inaction and indecision.
These people remind me of a possum! They see a potential threat and they freeze up and play dead until it’s gone!
This is not good, either. In a difficult situation, you can’t freeze up. You can’t just seize up and hope it’ll pass.
Now, I know that people don’t mean to do this. I know that with anxiety (or other) you can panic and become indecisive and frozen. But ideally, this can’t just be ignored. If you know that you do this even in smaller situations of vulnerability, then you need to work on it.
Working On Our Responses
As you can see, there are good and bad in all of these responses to difficult or uncomfortable situations. You can’t hide all the time, you can’t fight all the time, you can’t freeze all the time.
Instead, here’s some advice to help you handle vulnerable situations better:
Embrace vulnerability
Firstly, we must accept that in life, we will feel vulnerable. To avoid vulnerability is to avoid living life. To avoid newness or taking chances or finding real love. And so, if we can change our attitudes and relationships with vulnerable situations, maybe we won’t react so poorly to them.
Get comfortable being uncomfortable!
Work on insecurities
Those of us who have really bad reactions in vulnerable situations are those with unrecognised or deep-rooted insecurities.
What’s going on inside of you?
What are you afraid of?
What makes you uncomfortable?
What are your shame triggers?
Knowing what causes a reaction in you is the first sign of insecurities, fears, trauma, or emotional problem areas (see post) that you need to work on.
Be self-aware
In order to figure out the deeper stuff, you simply must be more actively self-aware. Self-awareness to me is the single most important part of any self-improvement, intentional living, health or happiness.
Self-awareness means you catch yourself in bad behaviours. It means you know yourself. It means you can make decisions better. It means you understand yourself, your emotions, and what happens in vulnerability, so that you can then analyse and fix where necessary.
Breaths and Intentions
No amount of knowing yourself or embracing or preparation will make you immune to the ickiness or downright hard parts of vulnerable situations.
When someone makes us feel ashamed, that’s hard to deal with. When we love someone and we’re saying it for the first time, it’s hard to face the possibility of rejection. When you’re chasing your dreams with uncertainty, you know that you’ll fail and fall and struggle, but knowing that doesn’t take away the pain when it happens.
And so, when there’s nothing else to be done, just breathe.
Breathe through it. Breath intentionally and witness the breath to calm yourself.
And then once you’re calm, get some perspective: What’s really happening? What can I do? What does this mean? Am I thinking about this in the best way?
From there, be intentional with your actions. Not reactive, not proactive, but be in the present moment with the emotions and trust yourself to take action from an intentional place.
Breathe – Feel – Process – Act
Vulnerability is a wonderful thing. It’s so difficult yet so informative, powerful, and life-changing when you don’t avoid it. Knowing how you respond to vulnerable situations can be insightful and help you to better cope.
Good luck.
Video: We Need ALL Areas of Healthcare
Caring about your health is important, but are you caring about ALL areas of your health? Do you know what I mean? No?
Then give this a watch for some info!
Emotional Health
Mental Health
Physical Health
Spiritual Health
Holistic Health
All areas of health work together…
June 10, 2019
Podcast: Why Emotions Matter
Why do our emotions matter? Are they something to be controlled and suppressed, or used and understood? Are you emotionally intelligent? Emotionally resilient? Emotionally aware? Do you even know what these terms mean? If not, give this podcast episode a listen…
Click to play!
https://thewritewayme.files.wordpress.com/2019/06/why-emotions-matter.mp3
June 7, 2019
Interpreting Stories: What Makes Them Good or Bad?
*Mild spoilers for Game of Thrones Season 8!*
I can’t remember who said it, but someone once said that they write their stories (books, tv, whatever) and then once it’s published, it’s out there, it no longer belongs to them; it belongs to each individual consumer.
I like this because after all the upset over Game of Thrones’ ending and also The Crimes of Grindelwald I started to really think about good and bad in storytelling. In what makes something so great go so wrong. In what can make the majority dislike something.
I mean, logically, we all know that consuming creative work is subjective. There is no real and final ruling of good or bad because it’s always down to opinion, right? The only way it’s determined one way or another is:
Popularity
The portrayal of tropes and following narrative norms or expectations (rules)
That’s it. But I bet many of us can also name shows or books that have been unpopular, yet we’ve viewed them as amazing. Or ones that have broken rules and have still been amazing.
So, is there really a good and bad in storytelling, especially now in our more open, complex world?
This is what really makes something bad:
Breaking its own rules
What’s the one thing we know and appreciate about Game of Thrones? The slow pace. It takes its time and flirts with ideas. But come Season 8, we’re unhappy because it’s not slow anymore. It’s rushed. I think people would have been fine with the narrative that it gave us in the end (perhaps not in love but fine with it), if it had taken its time. Gave it to us at a slow, steady pace over time, like we’re used to.
But it broke its own rule. It’s own storytelling rule. It’s formula that had been working for years. And that is a big fail.
Even if the setups were left unfulfilled or it had a slightly weird ending, we’d all be more satisfied if it was at least delivered correctly.
Another convention of GoT is in its depth. The hidden meanings, complex narrative lines, character connections, decisions and brave steps like the death of the main characters. This is another big expectation and admiration from the fans of Game of Thrones. We know we’ll be shocked, scared for the safety of MCs and left in awe of its cleverness.
But it did not deliver.
No main characters died. No clever big reveals that made us go “hold on, whaaaaat?!”
I think I wasn’t alone in expecting Arya or Bran to use their powers and abilities to perform a shocking twist. It felt like what GoT usually does, and in a clever manner, was suddenly taken away.
It broke its own formula, it’s own rules. This is more important than breaking normal storytelling conventions.
Failing the characters
This is why people have turned on Game of Thrones lately. Interpretation of the story, actions, motivations, and characters are all wide open. I’ve seen different interpretations and reviews and feelings, but people still think it’s bad for the other stuff.
Why? Because characters seemed to change. Their purpose, motivations and ARCs were turned on their heads or left open. Stories need characters who do what they do for a reason. Who have a goal, a need, a want, and that is dangled in front of them as they learn about themselves and the world on their quest. Their ARC ends with them having learned a lesson, paid a price, and changed due to that lesson learned.
Now, I’m no expert and I won’t pretend to be a character-creating genius. But I can see some examples of this in GoT season 8. I won’t explain them all; you can Google it and you’ll find plenty. My biggest issue was with Jaime’s character. It appeared that he unlearned everything from the show and just went back to Cersei. Boooo!
Failed Beats/ Pacing
As humans, we have a natural ability to connect with, share, and find meaning in stories. Our whole lives are stories. Sharing ourselves is a story. We understand the world and life through stories.
We all recognise the Hero’s Journey, act structures, and the age-old formula of the beginning-middle-end. But when that’s off-centre or skewed, we notice even if we can’t pinpoint exactly how or where or why. We feel cheated and confused.
Essays are formatted in this way, too. We start with an introduction, where we state what we will talk about and what to expect from the essay. Then we go into the body of the essay, the middle, where we explore our points and have ups and downs of analysis. Finally, there’s the conclusion, where we summarise all that is explored and come to a satisfying, logical conclusion from all that was discussed.
We are taught this formula, we are shown this formula, it works.
So when a story comes along and it doesn’t seem to naturally fit this formula, we get confused. We don’t understand it. We even get angry!
Narrative beats are like hitting key points in the story in a logical way that adds to the narrative. It’s setup, then boom, boom, boom, then an end. When this is out of rhythm or things are added and taken away and teased and then concluded but then unrealised and then forgotten, it’s all over the place. It’s messy. It’s dissatisfying. The brain doesn’t understand or like it.
This is what didn’t work with Crimes of Grindelwald. It’s pacing was off. The beats were off. The story wasn’t like Fantastic Beasts 1, where there was a clear beginning, middle, and end. Instead, it had different characters at different beats with different endings on their journeys and it got weird. It’s seen as a “setup film” because it appears to be a setup for future films. Like “hey, here’s the people and how they’re connected, but see you in two years to find out what happens!”
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Pacing is something I still need to learn a lot about as a writer myself. But I do recognise a few things:
Once a pace is established, don’t change it up! It confuses the reader/consumer.
You can’t have a large beginning and setup, a rushed messy middle, and an illogical end.
You can’t take your time and then rush the end.
You can’t rush the beginning and then drag out the end, either.
Your characters need ARCs either within the one book/film or across the series that is logical.
The characters’ ARCs need to close around the same time and finish around the same point as the close of the narrative itself.
To end I’ll say this, I loved Game of Thrones, even to the end. Mistakes were made, yes, but overall I loved the story, the message, the characters and actors and cinematography. It was brilliant. The same goes for J.K. Rowling’s writing. I still love her and have faith in her. I know the Fantastic Beasts story is a different medium for her and so we can all show a bit of compassion as she finds her feet!
And let me just say, comparing books to TV shows or films isn’t fair to the writers/creators. They’re different forms of storytelling that require different things from the maker. A book has a long time to give depth and meaning and explore things like a film doesn’t. A film or TV show has the use of visual imagery to convey a lot in a single look or a well-placed item to be interpreted later.
Different formats, different stories. Stop comparing them against one another!
Writing is hard. You can do so well for so long and then suddenly drop the ball. Just like humans, writers make mistakes! Writing a perfect story, especially a series, is frickin’ difficult! It’s easy to criticise from the outside looking in.
But if you are a creator or writer, then learn from these mistakes. I’m trying to! Everyone can interpret a story differently, and determine if it’s bad or good for themselves. But what we can all agree on is that you should never, ever:
Mess with your characters once they’re established,
Break your story’s own rules,
Or fail on the pacing!
Happy writing!
June 6, 2019
How to Find Self-Worth
Learning to fully embrace your self-worth is a journey in undoing our past conditioning and negative self-talk, then starting to see ourselves as the strong, talented, intelligent and capable people we are.
Not everyone is the same. We don’t share the same talents, skills, or strengths. But that doesn’t mean that some people are more worthy than others.
Everyone is worthy.
Why our self-worth dips
Impostor syndrome
Self-worth really takes a plunge when we’re experiencing Impostor Syndrome.
“Impostor syndrome is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts his or her accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.”
I’ve felt this. I downplay my achievements and undersell myself. I feel as though I don’t count as a real writer or a real author. That I’ll one day be found out and called out as a phoney. Basically, stripping away my worth.
Validation from others
Our self-worth decreases when we seek and aren’t granted validation from others. As in, I’m not a good enough writer because no one has said that I am. No one that I respect and want to tell me that I am, anyway. You’re looking for a medal that external factors and other people aren’t giving you.
Social media can sometimes force us to play the “seek external validation” game, through desiring likes, followers, comments etc. So, switch off every now and then.
Fitting in
And our self-worth is low when we are trying to fit in rather than belong. Belonging is the opposite to fitting in because fitting in is conformity. It’s wearing a mask in order to be accepted by the herd. Belonging is instead being yourself, and being loved, valued, and appreciated just as you are.
Playing the comparison game
When we play the comparison game, no one wins. Every time we compare ourselves to others, we are stealing from our self-worth. Comparing in this way is pointless. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses; experiences and achievements. No one is better or worse.
If someone is succeeding in a way that you wanted to, that doesn’t mean that you are a failure compared. It means you should be happy for them and seek your own form of success.
Seek community over competition; progress over perfection, as Aileen Xu says.
Social media can sometimes force us to play the comparison game, through comparing our everyday life to someone else’s filtered, “highlight reel” of a perfect looking life. So, switch off every now and then.
How we give ourselves worth
Authenticity
When we actively become authentic, we are empowering ourselves. We are telling ourselves that we are worthy and perfect just as we are. Flaws, weaknesses, scars, mistakes, failures, they’re all a part of us, but they don’t define us. Accept your pitfalls or forgive them and love yourself through it.
Show up in every situation as the real you. Don’t shrink or puff up. Don’t hide or lie. Be you. Stand in your truth. Be seen and be vulnerable. Be beautiful by being You.
Seek belonging
If your aim is to belong instead of fit in, then you are being authentically you and not forcing yourself to do or be something else just to be accepted by others. You’re giving yourself power, validation, and worth by saying, “I’ll allow myself to be seen and valued by the right people, not falsely accepted by the wrong ones who aren’t for me.”
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss
Self-worth as a Practice
Self-Worth Keepsakes (Lavendaire)
A favourite YouTuber of mine, Lavendaire aka Aileen Xu, had this idea of making a “self-worth keepsakes” collection. Where you actively find things that give you a sense of joy, worth, achievement, value, beauty, encouragement, courage, or the like.
I did this for myself and went to find photos or trinkets that I felt good about.
Brave trips or experiences
Starting my own business (I put the business cards and a screenshot of my website in the pot)
Big achievements like events you’ve hosted, things you’ve published etc.
Milestones
Important people who have always loved and supported you
Things you’ve created
Unlikely moments of triumph (I got photos of the obstacle run I did last year, my trip to Africa, and paragliding!)
These things are personal to you. They are important and valuable for you and you alone. Find them, keep them together, refer back to them again and again.
Badass Bitch list
I created this a couple of weeks ago. This is a long list of achievements, awards, triumphs, strengths, mountains climbed, and villains slain! Again, these are personal triumphs. It can be anything from overcoming depression to running a marathon. It can be landing your dream job to going on a boat when scared to do so.
Just write the list and make it good and long! Then print it off like I did and stick it in plain sight, so that you are reminded every day that you are a badass bitch who has been through more than you realise. Who is more capable than you realise. Who is goddamn worthy!
Journal on insecurities
There is no denying the insecurities that we all have inside of us. Things that crop up and bring a lot of hurtful emotions with them. They can come from certain experiences, beliefs, or even our upbringing.
Ignoring insecurities doesn’t take their power away. We need to instead tackle them.
How to work on your insecurities:
Get clear on what they are; be self-aware and notice when you get upset, defensive, or emotional in certain situations.
Take each insecurity that crops up and challenge it. Where did it come from? Who was involved? What beliefs come from it? How true is it?
Then do the self-work on those emotions and experiences.
Turn to the right people
And whenever your worth feels low, ensure that you turn to the right people, not the wrong ones. Not people who you seek validation from. Not people who don’t know you, respect you, or love you for you.
Instead, turn to the good people who know the real you and have never judged or got at you for it. Those who are honest with you but love you, too.
When we are vulnerable and we turn to the wrong people, our self-worth can become weak. We leave feeling worse, not better.
Admitting, confronting, or fixing mistakes or failures or shortcomings is necessary for adults. This is called responsibility and accountability. But the right people won’t point out our flaws to hurt or shame us, they will instead help us to move forward and take on the next steps.
It’s not for society to determine how worthy you are, like some points based system where you’re ranked on your income, achievements, job, relationships, body, intelligence, or other. Self-worth comes from the Self; You.
It’s not for family, friends, teachers, siblings, partners to determine, either. We tend to give them way too much power over our worth, too. Self-worth comes from the Self; You.
Give yourself your power back.
Look within for your worth, you’ll find that it was there all along.
June 5, 2019
The Need to Control and Predict
We all have this desire to be in control. Some have it worse than others, but it is an innate need for us all. This is why we fear the unknown. This is why we get afraid at all. When we don’t know the outcome of something, we’re not in control, and that’s terrifying.
But how does the need to control and predict affect us and why do we do it so obsessively? Here are my thoughts…
Avoid pain and struggle
I think the biggest reason for wanting to be in control is because we want to avoid pain and struggle. This is why we seek loads of money; money grants us freedom from financial struggles, which is a common struggle that we are all vulnerable to.
Ever thought about how often we all Google advice to help fix our lives and control it to make it perfect and never painful? That’s what we’re doing; we want answers to all of life’s many questions so that we can control and predict and fix and prod until it’s perfect and painless.
Then, inevitably, we become disappointed because things don’t turn out as we wanted or expected or were promised.
One person says to do this thing, then you do it and it doesn’t work out and you’re angry. Then another says that’s stupid, do this! and then it doesn’t work and you’re angry. Over and over again, following advice or “sure deal” practices and mindsets and they just don’t pan out for you.
And it’s overwhelming, isn’t it? The advice on what’s wrong and what’s right and most importantly, what will fix your life or yourself and make things as perfect and painless as possible.
False standards. False expectations. Lies (though well-meaning lies).
If we can only get the information that will help us to control everything neatly and perfectly; if only we can predict when this will happen and what it’ll mean, then everything will be fine. No unexpected events. No painful losses. No uncertainty and fear. No wounds. No grief.
Life perfectly mapped out and safe.
Scarcity
Not good enough, never enough, always striving and yearning to a toxic level, this is scarcity. Brene Brown says we live in a Scarcity Culture and I didn’t understand what she meant until recently. But now I see that she is right…
These things that we seek perfectly portray this idea. The books, blog posts, podcasts, videos, practices that will “change your life“ are so popular now because influencers know that’s what we’re all seeking. To change our lives. Little do we know that we’re giving into the culture of scarcity, where we are constantly told that we lack something and so we constantly go searching for it.
Buying and consuming on repeat to fill a hole inside of us that either doesn’t exist at all, or is the product of something much deeper that no blog post or YouTuber can give you the answers to. Only you can find the answers you need because it’s a very personal venture.
And it’s funny that we seek these things to change our lives but how many of us have actually taken the time to step back and take inventory and actually consciously know what needs “changing” or improving in the first place? Probably not most of us.
I think that the scarcity culture is growing and thriving because we have a need to control and predict and perfect perhaps more than ever now. Why? Because our whole lives are on display. Turn back 20-30 years ago, and you only heard about other people’s lives if they told you or you heard gossip from your neighbours…
The Change
Back then, you never cared about Steve the Millionaire Teen in America unless it made the news. And so, you went about your life, loving, living, working, playing as best you could. Did you sometimes feel like something was missing? Yeah. What did you use to do about it? You spoke to loved ones, you tried new things, you read a book, you took care of your health, you wrote about it and so on.
What you definitely didn’t do, was go searching in a bottomless pit of information about what your life should be.
This pit is the internet and social media.
These are both wonderful things. Life-changing things! They’ve given so many people a voice and a platform to find meaningful work, share themselves, make dreams come true and connect with people all over the world. All so amazing.
But the dark side of it all is the big fearmonger: Comparison.
The only reason that social media is bad, really, is because it breeds comparison. She has this and he looks like that. It makes you question yourself and your life. Why don’t I have that? How do I get it? Why do I suck compared? What am I missing?
And then there’s also fake news and the opinions that people think are fact and criticism from trolls and all the rest. It seems that people bring two things to the internet: their ugly side or their filtered lives.
People become mean on the internet due to anonymity and this is worrying. Then the other people share their lives but only the great stuff. The beautiful pictures and the successes. The highlight reel, as some call it.
Don’t get me wrong, there are some great people on social media and the internet in general. I hope that I’m one of those people who shows my imperfections and doesn’t filter too much and never spreads hate.
But like with most things, the bad shouts louder than the good. We as a people have a negativity bias, so our brains are wired to see and obsess over the bad more than the good. Thus sending us into control and predict and fix mode…
Last Thoughts
I’m trying not to go on forever, but I wanted to share my thoughts on this because I’ve found myself comparing, being overwhelmed by information and advice, and struggling with control. I struggle with what and who is right. What life is “really about.”
This scarcity culture is dangerous when you’re not self-aware or living with conscious intention, that I know for sure.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting your best life (I encourage this), or aiming to fix what’s not working, or looking for advice. I just want you to bear these things in mind:
Not everything you read is right, true, important, healthy, or for you.
Practice acceptance and self-love before you go about trying to fix and prod at your life.
Be grateful for what you already have.
Take inventory of your life and your health and your wants and needs before going out and thinking you need XYZ just because someone else does.
If you seek to never be in pain or struggle or fear ever again, you’re wasting your time. Life is unpredictable and sometimes cruel, that’s not to be avoided. Instead, seek to give yourself self-worth and strength to handle what comes your way.
Be careful where you get your advice or information. Be mindful of your intentions. Are your actions coming from a meaningful, authentic place? Or a place of comparison, scarcity, needing to control, or fear?
I get why we feel the need to control and predict: it’s comforting. But seeking this just brings about anxiety and disappointment and frustration and resentment. You can’t control every aspect of your life, so don’t seek to.
Control what you can and make peace with what you can’t.
Hold onto the wheel enough so that you can steer the car, but let go enough so that the car can take you down unexpected routes that are filled with things beyond your wildest dreams.
Good luck, guys 
If you need any help in bettering your mental health, or better coping with anxiety, depression, and stress, then my book “You’re As Mad As I Am” may be for you. Check it out here, and download a free sample to see what it’s all about.
If you want to hire me to write about mental health (or other), then don’t hesitate to get in touch!
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June 4, 2019
Our Coming Out Stories
It’s not just LGBTQ+ people that come out to the world. I mean, yes, this phrase is reserved for the ridiculous announcement that gay people seem to have to make to the world saying “hey, I’m gay.”
This is a conversation I’ve had with my sister. She came out to me and suddenly with each passing year, she became more and more herself. Shedding skins of who she thought she had to be. Who she was expected to be. Who she forced herself to be. And instead, she just stopped resisting and was free to just be.
In this same way, many of us “come out” to the world. Come out of the closet of who we thought we had to be, shedding skins of society’s expectations.
“Sometimes it takes a long time to sound like yourself,” – Miles Davis
Writer and TedTalk speaker (who inspired this post) Casey Gerald said that we are taught to reduce ourselves down to bite-size chunks that are easily digestible to others. To become strangers to ourselves so that the right people might accept us. Taught to mutilate ourselves so that we make sense to others.
We’re made to bargain for our worth: I’ll take away this part of me if you accept me into your partnership, friendship, school, university, job, club, or world.
But I’m so happy to see more and more people “coming out” and allowing themselves to be seen in their entirety.
It eats at us from the inside out to be anything but who we are. And I’m not talking about lying to try to fit in, although that’s a very bad thing to do, too. I’m talking about the more subtle ways that we hide away.
How we dye and style our hair until we’re unrecognisable to who we were born to be, and instead start to fit an image of beauty put on us.
How we choose money or status over following our dreams or passions, no matter how hard or farfetched they may be.
How we filter what we say and suppress how we feel and run from our thoughts just because they don’t suit that of those around us.
Conformity is “behaviour in accordance with socially accepted conventions.” It’s trying to fit in. But Fitting in is the opposite of Belonging, says Brene Brown. When we conform to fit in, we aren’t belonging. We aren’t safe, happy, comfortable, appreciated, authentic, or secure.
Instead, our status is vulnerable. Our position is fragile. We’re acting; playing a role. Playing at a game that we can’t win.
I don’t know about you, but I’d rather come out and walk away from the game altogether. I’d rather stand alone and not have to hide, rather than stand with people with tape over my mouth and a constant chisel chipping away at parts of me.
And think about it, if we were all just ourselves, we’d be free. Free and comfortable and happy in ways we never have been before. Not buying this or that to find happiness. Not forcing ourselves to fit where we don’t belong. Not silencing or filtering or changing to be accepted.
Just all happy, connected, free.
“With the naked crust of all we are, we can build a better world.” – Casey Gerald
So, my coming out story is this:
I’m a writer not because I’m good at it but because I love it. I’ll continue to do it, paid or not.
I dropped out of university and I still bear that scar and feel the shame of that decision.
I am a highly sensitive person, with a lot of emotions, matched with being an overthinker, compassionate, empathetic, and vulnerable each day. I care, I care a lot.
I have Social Anxiety and at many times it comes along to paralyse me.
I like many things: anime, films of all kinds, TV of all kinds, mythology, philosophy, psychology, spirituality, reading, having deep conversations, travel, exciting foods, and more.
I’m not committed to exercise like I know I should be.
I don’t see myself as an expert in anything. I’m flawed, have gaps in my knowledge, and I fall short. But each day I work on myself, get curious and ask questions, and actively try to teach myself new information.
I’m bi-curious and can find any person attractive, interesting, beautiful, and worthy.
I like spirituality, introspection, reflection, and all that goes on within us under the surface. I don’t know what I believe in, but I know I believe in the depth of myself. I find self-help books and online content to be helpful and insightful on this journey.
I like to travel but it scares me when I do.
I’m introverted; I will always rather staying in, reading, writing, or watching a film over socialising or being in crowds. I like good people, but in small doses.
I don’t fit in a neat box. I no longer aim to. I’m not a writer by society’s standard of what a writer ought to be. I’m not a nerd by this standard, either. I’m not a this or a that with a list of labels, traits, norms, and expectations.
I’m just me. Just Siana. And that’s just fine with me. Take it or leave it.
What’s your coming out story?
Video: What Is Your Mindset Telling You?
Are you aware of your mindset and how it is affecting your everyday life and achievements? No? Well, you better pay attention if you want things to change for the better…
Thanks for watching!
June 3, 2019
Podcast Episode: Knowing Who You Are
Do you know who you are? Do you take the time to get to know yourself? Here are some ideas about what it means to know who you are and how it can be empowering…
Click the play button to listen!
https://thewritewayme.files.wordpress.com/2019/06/knowing-who-you-are.mp3
