S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 62

Self-Improvement: Is It Really What You Need Right Now?

I think there’s a difference between self-improvement and internal work.

Self-improvement is improving your:

Intellect
Productivity
Diet
Sleep
Fitness
Communication
Routine and habits
Work
Finances
And so on…

But then the internal work is more about the heavy stuff. It comes from the Gunk inside of you laced together by trauma, failure, shame, fear, resentment, loss, confusion, mistakes, and so on.

I think it’s important to know which one you need to focus on, self-improvement or internal work. Because each requires a different approach…

 

Self-improvement means discipline and taking action and saying “I want to be my best self so I must integrate XYZ into my life.” S.I. is about looking forward, making goals and plans and holding yourself accountable. No one can change or improve your life for you, so you must do it for yourself.

But the internal work is very different. This is about looking backwards. Backtracking to past experiences and finding your truth. Finding what happened and why that led to the Gunk inside of you that is affecting you without you realising it.

It’s finding where core beliefs were created. It’s finding the root of our emotional reactions and our fears and our tensions and limitations and pain. Then owning the stories, feeling what’s necessary, learning from them, accepting them, and working on a new narrative (taken from Brene Brown’s Rising Strong).

“You either walk into your story and own your truth, or you live outside of your story, hustling for your worthiness.” – Brene Brown

This, of course, takes hard truth, emotional turmoil, vulnerability, openness, and wholeheartedness. It takes compassion and love and courage. This is about rebuilding our foundations, so that we may have a more stable structure for our home; whereas S.I. is more about putting on a new coat of paint or adding some interior design to your home.

Internal work is about:

Acceptance
Self-love/ self-care
Reflection
Emotion work
Resilience
Vulnerability
Mental work
Spirit work
Compassion
Questions

“We can’t chart a brave new course until we recognise exactly where we are, get curious about how we got there, and decide where we want to go.” – Brene Brown

Knowing the difference between the two concepts and which one is for you right now can be very important.

Just some food for thought there.

 

As for me, I’m a natural improver. I like to keep learning and growing naturally and I often don’t have to push myself to do it. But I really DO need the internal work. I actively and consciously try to do that, because I know how important and liberating and life-changing it can be when done right.

The only way I can get to my true self is to knock down all of the blocks that have been in my way. It’s not just “I have low self-esteem, and so I will work on my body and my wardrobe and my intellect to make myself worthy and improve my self-esteem.”

It’s “I have low self-esteem, but why? What’s the root cause of it? What blockage has it placed in my life? How can I remove these blockages?”

Because trust me, no amount of clothing hauls and vision boards for style and image has helped me. No amount of habit trackers and to-do lists. But once I started looking for my whys within, I’ve felt less heavy. I’ve felt more me with each roadblock that I face and chip away at.

“How do we come to aha moments if we’re not willing to explore and ask questions?” – Brene Brown

I think my site is more about internal work, too. Now that I see the difference, I’m no expert on how to lose weight or read more books or changing your habits etc. I can give advice but it’s not from a place of success in these areas or deeper evidential knowledge. It’d be “this is what I’ve learned and what I am trying; you can do the same if to choose to.”

But the internal work is something I’ve been doing. I’ve learned so much about myself and worked through (not yet to complete healing) hard truths and experiences that I’ve held on to and been affected by for years.

I can share with knowledge, personal experiences, the accounts of others, and study what I know about internal work, the mind, behaviours, and emotions. So, that is more of a strength of mine, matched with my innate high level of empathy and sensitivity and intuition.

So, what needs work for you? Is it really self-improvement like you thought it was, or does it go deeper? Be mindful of your approach, your needs, and your intentions. Good luck!

 

*I strongly recommend Brene Brown’s books and talks if the internal work sounds like something you need*

 

If you need any help in bettering your mental health, or better coping with anxiety, depression, and stress, then my book “You’re As Mad As I Am” may be for you. Check it out here, and download a free sample to see what it’s all about.

If you want to hire me to write about mental health (or other), then don’t hesitate to get in touch!

 

Thanks for reading. Don’t forget to like, comment, or follow my site if you enjoy my content 

Why Representation in Media Matters

Growing up, I didn’t see many girls who looked like me on the TV. They weren’t in the books, on billboards, or in films, either. Thankfully, this is starting to change but it’s still not where it needs to be.

You see, if you’re a child who’s not white, it can be hard to grow up without seeing yourself as the hero, the pretty girl, the cool boy, the main character. Instead, when POC characters are cast, they’re usually the bad guy, the stereotype, the fool, or the lower class.

What kind of message does that send to people of colour?

It says that we are less-than.

If that’s not true, then changes need to be made. Why aren’t the Black girls or the Asian girls the pretty one that the boy goes for? Why aren’t the Black or Asian people the superheroes and the change-makers? Because I don’t know about you, but I can think of a great many POC heroes in our real world. It’s time we saw them on screen, too.

Not sometimes. Not playing the game “let’s spot the non-white characters!” But regularly. It needs to be normalised; not a statement; not tokenism.

And of course, this isn’t just race. This goes for LGBTQI+ people, disabled people, religions, other cultures and other “minority groups” too. They are all a very real part of our world, so why are they excluded from our screens?

There are people in this world that don’t feel like they truly belong here. That they aren’t worthy. That they’re not good enough. By excluding them from TV, films, books, plays, etc, we are part of the problem.

We are saying, “you’re good, but not good enough to be seen.”

Is that really what we want to be saying? No? Then be the change. Writers, include POC characters not as a token but as a real, purposeful, fleshed out character. Producers, directors, showrunners, make use of the amazing POC actors waiting in the casting rooms.

It could change lives.

And lastly, POC people like myself, share your stories! Minority groups, make your art! Become writers, directors, producers, actors and be seen. Don’t let your people down; help them to be seen.

 

List of TV shows with a main cast featuring (mostly) minority groups:

Jane the Virgin
One Day At A Time
Power
Atlanta
Black-ish
Empire
Marlon
Fresh Off The Boat
The Good Place
Brooklyn 99 (Jake and Boyle excluded)
Orange is the New Black
Kim’s Convenience
The Umbrella Academy
Underground
Master of None
How To Get Away With Murder
Game of Thrones (ish)
Sense 8
New Girl
Insecure
Luke Cage
American Crime
Black Mirror
The Carmichael Show 

 

Please add more in the comments below to help more people support and find these shows!

Do You Know Yourself?

*Part of the Identity Series*

This is a new concept for me. In school, we weren’t exactly encouraged to get to know ourselves. We developed maths skills, writing skills, and science skills; we even got shown some things about people skills, but what about the importance of gaining knowledge and insights about yourself?

 

The importance of knowing yourself

Knowledge is power. Knowing yourself is strength. Knowing yourself brings confidence and authenticity.

Just like with people, you must first know yourself to be able to trust and love yourself; three things that I see as the pillars of self-actualisation.

If you want a healthy, happy life, you must first know yourself. If you want to be strong, free, and authentic, you must first know yourself.

 

What does it mean to know yourself?
Awareness

There is so much worth in our awareness of our actions, thoughts and feelings. If you are someone who cares about self-development and life improvement, then you must cultivate self-awareness.

Self-awareness allows us to first gain knowledge about what we think, feel, or do. Once we see patterns, we can begin to analyse, reshape, fix, or remove things where necessary.

Why am I feeling what I’m feeling?

Why did I react that way?

Why do I believe such hurtful things about myself?

The most fundamental part of knowing yourself is in self-awareness. Getting right down to the deeper, more difficult Why.

 

Predictions

It can be useful to know ourselves so much that we can begin to predict what we will do. It’s like when you know a friend so well that you know what they’ll say next or how they’ll behave.

Knowing how we react to things can help us to alter our reactions or at least be more intentional. Say you know that around certain people you will start smoking again. This knowledge and awareness helps you to avoid those situations and not jeopardise your decision to quit.

 

How you form relationships

This is important. Some of us go in and out of relationships with zero self-awareness. We just let things happen on autopilot (which can be nice at times), but there are also instances where you need to take the wheel.

If you find yourself making “friends” with toxic people or going in and out of partnerships with people who treat you poorly, you need to analyse why this is.

With knowing yourself and how you love or form relationships, you are minimising your chances of getting into bad relationships, because you’re aware of your behaviours. It’s usually a lack of knowledge that leads to misfortune; ignorance is not always bliss.

 

When you work best

It is so useful to know how and when and where you work best. In this busy world that we live in, where everyone has a 9-5 office job plus a side hustle, it is beneficial to know yourself well enough to know your optimal working conditions.

Do you work best at a desk or on the sofa? 

Outdoors or indoors?

In the morning, afternoon, evening, or night?

With a strict organised schedule or creatively going with the flow?

When you know this information, you can ensure that you get the important stuff done at your best work times. You can create the right environment for peak success.

 

Strengths and weaknesses

What are you good at? What are you bad at? Knowing these things, firstly, helps you to play to your strengths; secondly, you can see areas for improvement.

There are things in life that we must accept and things that we must change/improve. Knowing yourself is the first step to knowing the difference for your personal life.

 

Your dreams and goals

I’m not sure that everyone has dreams and goals and desires. But they should. Even if they’re ridiculous and seemingly impossible, having dreams and goals is saying to the universe that you want something. You have a drive. You are motivated by this thing.

Now, unhealthy attachments to dreams and goals are not good, but healthy striving and pursuing is a fulfilling part of life.

If I didn’t have my big dream of becoming an international best-selling author, I may stop writing. I might not be as motivated to do it each day.

Knowing what you want helps you to push forward and keep going and desire something beautiful and exciting for yourself – there’s nothing wrong with that.

 

Likes and dislikes

This one is big for forming relationships. There have been many times when I’ve been asked what I like or do for fun or my favourite XYZ, but I find myself unable to answer. This is not only somewhat embarrassing, but it also makes you seem a bit boring!

Knowing your likes and dislikes can help you to become a better conversationalist. It can help you to bond with people over shared interests. It can also help you to set boundaries, by expressing that this is what I like and this is what I don’t like and asking people to respect it.

 

Defence triggers and insecurities

This is a big one. It is important to know what your sore spots are. What are the things that other people or certain situations can cause to rise to the surface? What do you fear? What are your insecurities? What are your defence mechanisms?

Knowing yourself well enough to know what’s going on deep within you is empowering.

None of us are perfect. We all have flaws, failures, mistakes, imperfections, traumatic experiences, and sore topics we’d rather not address.

Once I knew what Social Anxiety and Depression was, I began to understand my triggers and symptoms. Once I knew all of that, I began to accept them. Then, I was able to cope better and take action to combat them.

I also know the areas that need work within me. Knowing this means others can’t hold them against me. It means I know what I need to work on and I can do so. It means I am in control, instead of my fears, limitations, and insecurities.

That is how we find our strength, and it all comes from self-knowledge.

 

How do we get to know ourselves?

Spend more time alone : The noise of others can sometimes make us prioritise them over ourselves. It’s funny how we can easily describe others but struggle to describe ourselves…
Journal : This is a great way to get clear on things and notice patterns within ourselves. It’s our own voice on the page, so pay attention to what pops up.
Practice self-awareness : Pay attention, take note, witness your life and your mind; what is it telling you?
Be more intentional and mindful : When on autopilot, we just live and act and think and feel without awareness. We’re zombies. But being more mindful, self-aware, and intentional means you are more in control, and so you can see what’s really going on.

 

There is real empowerment in knowing yourself, I think that’s the best word for it. You go through life with more confidence because you are aware and awake and authentic and appreciative of all that you know.

Getting to know yourself may raise some problem areas, but that’s ok. Better to know and confront it, then let it fester or impact your life without realising it.

So, date yourself, guys, and see what it’s like to get to know yourself!

Life-Paralysis: What Holds Us Back?

Life-Paralysis is (Brene Brown’s definition): “all of the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out into the world that could be imperfect; all of the dreams that we don’t follow because of our deep fear of failing, making mistakes, and disappointing others.”

 

What Life-Paralysis looks like:
Indecision

When we are paralysed, we don’t make decisions well. Either we run from decision-making altogether, or we have too many options and feel that decision-paralysis, or we let people decide for us.

When we are afraid, we can choose the wrong things for us. We self-sabotage or we’re so afraid that our judgement becomes clouded by the fear.

 

Anxiety

Of course, with indecision and fear and overwhelming options and opinions from others and society’s expectations, we become anxious. We’re high-strung and confused and lost. We’re afraid to misstep or fall and what it could all mean.

 

Hopelessness

Feeling lost, confused, dizzy, tired, frustrated, angry, jealous, disappointed, dissatisfied, sad, lonely, or afraid of the future. If you feel this way, it may be due to life paralysis. You’re afraid to take a step, and so it manifests as other emotions.

 

Inaction

Much like indecision, we don’t act when paralysed. We sit back and let things happen, or we refuse to take action out of fear. We often blame other things or give excuses.

 

Autopilot-Living

Just letting things happen with no awareness or intention or control or active action-taking.

 

What paralyses us?
Fear of Failure

The fear of failure isn’t really about failure (see my post), it’s about the things listed below. We fear what failure many bring; the uncomfortable feelings that may result from failure, not the failure itself.

So, if you have a fear of failure, you need to address what it really means. What are you really afraid of? And are you willing to let that lead to life paralysis and disappointment?

 

Perfectionism

Perfectionism leads to inaction. People think that being a perfectionist is a good thing. Something to be proud of. It is not.

Perfectionism isn’t about striving to produce your very best work or be your best self. Perfectionists seek to be perfect, which doesn’t exist, and so they are chasing something that’s impossible to reach thus never getting anywhere or completing anything.

You see, this is how being a perfectionist can lead to life paralysis. You never release your book because you keep striving for perfection. You never start that website or business or podcast or YouTube channel because your work or yourself is “not perfect yet.”

Keep on waiting for perfection and you’ll be waiting forever.

 

Fear of Disappointing People

Most of us have parents or parental figures who we want to impress. We want to do well in life so that they are proud of us. Or maybe it’s your peers or followers or whatever else, you don’t want to disappoint them.

Worrying too much about the result or how people will perceive what you do will likely result in life paralysis and holding yourself back from what you want to do.

 

Fear of Judgement

The same goes with judgement. Fearing judgement or avoiding it means we will hardly ever (if at all) put ourselves out there. We’ll hide and shrink and avoid until there’s nothing left to see.

 

Fear of Criticism

Judgement is “you are this and that” Whereas criticism is more “I can’t believe you did that like that, you should have done it like this.”

Both don’t feel great. Both make us feel shame or bring up insecurities in us. Avoiding either, though, is impossible if you want to live a full, abundant life. If we want creative lives, in particular, we simply can never ever avoid criticism or judgement, so trying to do so will only dim your light and lead to holding yourself back due to paralysis.

 

How to avoid life-paralysis:
Embrace Vulnerability

This is where the gold is. If you want to be someone who doesn’t get caught in life paralysis, then you must embrace vulnerability. Being vulnerable may mean feeling uncomfortable and afraid, but it is also the path to great things. Vulnerability can be your strength.

If we can get comfortable with being uncomfortable, or at least not run from it, then we will be able to get through the icky parts of life and come out at the other end, where success and wholehearted living can be found.

 

Expect and Learn from Failure

In life, it’s not a case of if you will fail, it’s when and how! Unless you live a limited life without ever leaving your house, you are likely to fail at some point. In the pursuit of greatness and things that the average person doesn’t do, you will definitely face failure over and over again.

But we gain strength and avoid paralysis by learning from failures. By knowing that they come to teach us things or redirect us, not knock us down altogether. So, ask yourself “what do I need to learn here?” and then adjust accordingly.

“Fail, fail again, fail better!”

 

Authenticity

As long as we’re living authentically, we can’t go wrong. When we live authentically, we don’t shrink or puff up. We don’t hide or shame ourselves. We don’t seek outside validation or worth, we give it to ourselves. We have an inner strength to pushes us to be who we are and do what we want to do regardless of external factors.

This is empowering and never leads to life paralysis.

 

Intentional, Mindful Living

And lastly, if you are being intentional and mindful in life, you are prepped to make the right decisions for the right reasons. You are aware enough to know what you want and why and then make it so with actionable plans and authentic reasons behind them.

With intention and mindfulness, we don’t live for others or listen to the noise very much. Instead, we know our own intentions when we act or speak, and we’re mindful of ourselves and our lives enough to take inventory often and ensure we have a life that we chose, not one chosen for us.

 

I think Life Paralysis is an easy trap to fall into these days, when we feel so pressured to fit in a box made by society, norms, and comparisons. It can be scary to go against the grain. It can be scary to admit to wanting more from life and then going after it.

But with my advice, I hope that fewer people give into it. Don’t fall into the trap. If you do, you’re not stuck forever, though; just reach up and climb the ladder back out of the pit.

 

My Thoughts On Communication and Connection

Here are my thoughts on why we fall victim to disconnection and poor communication and how we can do better to cultivate connection in this complex world of today…

 

Empathy over sympathy

Sympathy is “I feel sorry for you,” which doesn’t take away my pain, or share it, or take away my shame and fear and loss and aloneness. But empathy can. It’s sharing that burden and saying “I know what that feels like.”

And I know we don’t always experience the exact same things in the same way, like I’ve never been an ex-con out of jail and struggling for a livelihood. But I can empathise with his feelings of worthlessness, rejection, judgement, shame, fear, lack of belonging, anxiety, and so on.

If more people tried to appreciate the shared emotions that we all have, rather than focusing on the lack of firsthand experience with a certain event, we’d find that empathy. That compassion. And through that comes a strong connection.

Understanding brings connection.

 

Social media blame

It’s not just social media, ok! Before social media, there was still texting and before that still phone calls or whatever else. The rise in technology means we don’t have to talk to people face to face as much, thus diminishing connection; but the thing is, if someone wants to be distracted, they will find something to be distracted by.

I think it’s a limited view to just blame social media or technology for our lack of connection and communication. We need to be asking ourselves why do I want to be distracted right now? Why don’t I want to be present with the people I’m with? What do I feel is missing from this moment?

This is what needs addressing in order to bring about conscious action towards better communication and connection in the modern era.

 

I’m not sure why we are unfocused but we are. We want everything to be quick and easy, even communication and connection.

“People don’t listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply.”

They often have a snap answer that doesn’t actually respond to what the person said. People aren’t aware of what they say and how they say it.

People hardly witness everything that goes on in a conversation: body language, eye contact, social cues, shared energies and so on. We just answer quickly, then spew out own stuff on the person, then we nod and leave. This is broken, but I’m not sure exactly why.

 

Belonging instead of fitting in

I think many of us are confused about what belonging is as opposed to fitting in. It was Brene Brown that said “the opposite of belonging is fitting in“, which blew my mind.

Most of us think that fitting in and belonging are the same, but they’re fundamentally different.

Belonging means I am my true authentic self and I am accepted by my peers.

Whereas, fitting in is hustling for self-worth from the wrong people in order to fit a perceived norm or sense of what’s right in society.

If more of us strived for belonging instead of fitting in, we would be happier. We would find that our communication with our peers is beautiful and free. We would gain a wonderfully warm sense of connection with people who see the real us and value it, and who show us the real them, too.

 

Avoiding vulnerability

This is the reason why conversations about race never go well; they’re uncomfortable and so people avoid them. You can’t talk about race without talking about privilege, which is what Brene Brown said and I agree. Then talking about privilege makes people feel shame and so their defences go up and they opt out or fight as if being attacked when they’re not.

The same goes for many other conversations. We are afraid of judgment, shame, rejection, conflict, criticism and so on (which is all vulnerability) and so we avoid it. But avoiding those things means we miss out on real connection and honest communication.

If more of us could embrace vulnerability instead of running from it, we could move mountains! With all the ickiness that vulnerability brings, it also brings about some really important stuff…

Vulnerability is saying “I feel scared that you don’t find me attractive anymore.”

It’s “I love you and I fear that you don’t love me in the same way.”

It’s “I know I have privileges that you don’t have and I’m here to help you to be seen in this world the way I am.”

Avoiding these kinds of conversations or topics ensures missed connection and broken communication. For real connection, we must allow vulnerability to be there. Doing this more often, will bring you closer to people and it will become easier with practice, I promise.

Vulnerability is your superpower.

 

Us versus Them

This is anti-community behaviour, but paradoxically, also a consequence of communities. Or rather, a consequence of segregated communities. These communities are a breeding ground for hatred, discrimination, and the Us versus Them principle.

The problem comes from the labels and categories that we as a society are obsessed with. Our need for “understanding” through labels causes miscommunication and misunderstanding. It forces people into boxes that come with a list of traits that are often untrue or poorly conceived.

Our race, gender, sexuality, heritage, nationality, body shape, abilities, religion, political views, and more are all a way of signing us up to a certain community with a set of expectations and norms that segregate us.

You are this or you are that.

This method is so broken. I mean, I get it; I feel a sense of belonging from say the Black community as a Mixed-Race female. But then it creates problems because it means you’re not white; you’re not the majority.

I guess what I’m getting at is it’s too narrow-minded. I don’t see why we need labels, especially to this degree. It just brings about assumptions, stereotypes, hate, and separation. It should come as no surprise that this is not the way towards connection and compassionate communication.

How do we fix it, after all this time? Well, we stop wearing labels so freely! Stop expecting them from others. Embrace another human being with kindness, respect, and compassion without having any preconceived notions about who they might be due to a label and a community that you think they belong to.

Just say hi and be fair and allow the space for connection. If they turn out to be an arsehole, then you can walk away, simple.

 

These were just some of my thoughts about connection and communication. I know that people feel like we are a disconnected and uncommunicative society right now. I tend to agree. But with awareness, compassion, and embracing one another openly, we can find that connection once again.

Open communication brings about connection; and when we feel connected, we communicate with ease.

 

Share your thoughts below.

Video: “I’m Just Tired”

How often do you say “I’m just tired” and what do you actually mean? Because news flash, there’s probably more going on than you think.

Check out my video for some of my thoughts…

 

Why We Fear Failure

Why do we fear failure, missteps and mistakes? Why really? Because firstly, there’s much more to it than just the Fear of Failure as it’s so often called. In reality, it’s a fear of, or an attachment to, the following…

 

Judgement

One of the biggest reasons that we fear failure is because we fear the judgement that often goes along with it.

“You’re a loser”

“You’re not enough”

No one likes to hear this. And so, we avoid it. And so, we let the fear of failure stop us because the judgement that may result from it is just too shameful and scary.

 

Criticism

We fear criticism in the same way we fear judgement. When judgement says, “you are a failure and a loser“, criticism says, “you did that wrong and that’s why you failed.” Both sting like hell.

But check out this quote from Theodore Roosevelt, which informed researcher and author Brene Brown’s amazing work, “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; … who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; …who spends himself in a worthy cause; … who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

In other words, the critics don’t get to comment on the man in the arena. It takes daring to be in the pit, fighting for what you want despite failure or setbacks. The critic is usually someone who is watching from the sidelines – bear that in mind next time you fear criticism.

 

Rejection

A fear of failure is a fear of rejection. What if we put ourselves out there and we’re rejected? What if we’re not good enough? Rejection makes us question our value, our worth. And so, we avoid it; we fear it. No one wants to be at the risk of being cast away. We all want to belong.

 

Worthlessness

Being not enough. Not perfect. Not validated and valued. We all want worthiness but few of us have it. When our worth is up for question, we become afraid. Our sense of belonging and love and place in this world is on the line.

But the best thing for you to do is to seek self-worth. No lasting worth will come from external factors or other people. You must give it to yourself.

 

Shame

Fear of failure is a fear of shame. The shame that comes from feeling on display, judged, criticised, and told that you’re not enough. We fear that our failures will highlight all that is wrong with us, all that isn’t worthy and is up for debate.

“See, I knew he was nothing special. Look at all his flaws.”

But again, this ties to criticism. Anyone shaming you for daring greatly does not get to comment. If you feel shame within yourself, then ask where that is coming from (and seek out Brene Brown’s guidance!)

 

Powerlessness

When we fall and stumble, it can feel like the rug is being pulled out from under us. That we are losing our control, our position, our power. Suddenly, we’re no longer this thing or that thing; we’re just a failure. Reduced to a small thing that didn’t stack up. That’s pretty frickin’ scary.

But we gain strength from resilience and the triumph despite failure; so, keep on going and you’ve nothing to fear.

 

Hopelessness

What if we put everything on the line and it’s still not enough? What if we leap and fall? What is everyone sees who we really are and sees that we didn’t have what it takes after all? What if we fail and run out of options?

We feel hopeless.

We can fear failure because we fear what it may lead to. As if failure results in being sentenced to life on some desert island that we can’t escape from. This is a lie.

 

Vulnerability

At the root of it all is vulnerability. I’m a bit sick of how much I mention this word/concept, but it’s just because anything associated with fear is tied to vulnerability! We are afraid of being vulnerable. And being afraid makes us feel vulnerable. It’s an endless cycle. It’s unavoidable.

It seems that the only question is this: Sit in the fear of failure and be vulnerable, or face the vulnerability of uncertainty and potentially find all that you’re looking for…

I know what I’d rather choose.

 

Imperfection

We are afraid of being seen as imperfect. As someone who falls. As someone who has scars. But I’d sooner see someone who has fallen many times and got back up, wouldn’t you? Over someone who has never fallen.

 

Entitlement

Sometimes people fear failure because they believe that they are entitled to success. It’s kind of crazy to me that some people just assume success is assured and that it will be easy, and then they are surprised when they find out that it’s not.

The best things in life won’t come easy, as they say.

It doesn’t mean you’ll strive forever or be beaten up a million times (though you might), but I promise you that success (no matter your definition of it) does not come overnight. You’re creating your own fear of failure by assuming that it will or should.

 

Which of these are at the root of your fear of failure? Which is holding you back? Free yourself and confront the real problem. Trust me, strength, resilience, perspective, insight and a great many other good things comes from your failure, so don’t avoid it.

Podcast Episode: How Spirituality Is Changing My Life

I hate the words “life-changing” but spirituality really is CHANGING MY LIFE! It is changing me and my experiences on a deep level… Here is how spirituality helps and heals, what it is, and how it is changing my mindset, relationships, and sense of Self…

 

Click to play!

https://thewritewayme.files.wordpress.com/2019/05/how-spirituality-is-changing-my-life.mp3

 

 

My Top 3 Tips For Better Mental Health

Some people are unsure about mental health as a topic, and often want a quick answer on what to do. Firstly, there is no quick fix. Health is an on-going thing and a natural part of life, and so mental health is no different.

However, here are my top 3 tips for better mental health if you want to know where to start…

Don’t hold things in

Get it out. Don’t hide from, suppress, or bottle up tough emotions, experiences or thoughts. Get them out with a loved one, in a journal, with a therapist, or even with a blog. Simply getting it out can be beautifully cathartic.

For some strange reason, we think that to be strong is to never show emotion. To never show that we are in pain or are struggling. This is so backwards. It takes strength to confront our demons, not hide from or ignore them.

Your mind will feel less heavy and tender if you get the gunk out, trust me.

Find what’s going on inside of you. Things may be happening due to suppressed emotions or experiences or a wonky belief that you didn’t realise you had. Only by getting in deep and letting it out can you ever free yourself.

Jameela Jamil (actress, presenter and influencer) had this to say about therapy and how it changed her life: “It is not a sign that there is anything wrong with you, it is the surest sign that there will not be anything wrong with you going forwards… It’s really important to get this toxicity out of you. That’s the only elimination diet worth doing: a psychological one.”

 

Be quiet and still

This is important because the world today makes it very hard to just sit still and be quiet. It feels uncomfortable and unnatural. It’s seemingly impossible with our busy, always-switched-on world.

Brene Brown suggests that this might be because as kids we were told to “sit down and shut up!” And so we associate that with being told off and something naughty.

We’re not kids anymore! We need to rest; we need to silence our minds. If our phones are on all the time doing this and that with multiple tabs open, they overheat and shut down, or run out of battery and die! The same goes for us.

Give your brain a rest. You needn’t meditate or do yoga or whatever if that’s not for you, but sitting with no purpose and no noise for 5-15 mins a day can do your mind a world of good.

Not only that, but it is only with quiet that we can truly listen. Listen to your heart, your thoughts, your feelings, your spirit, your pain…what are they telling you?

Some people think that the world is to blame for their problems, or that they are cursed with misfortune. It is useful to get quiet and find truths within yourself. Something may be festering within you unnoticed, which has been informing your life circumstance, bringing you pain, and “cursing” you.

This is how we cultivate self-awareness, which I believe is key to transformation and insight.

 

Balance

This is so important to me, hence why I have the Yin and Yang symbol tattooed on my wrist.

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Balance is important to a healthy life. Balance in the mind does it a world of good. We can never have all of this thing and none of that thing. Things come in ebbs and flows, and accepting that without resistance does our health good.

It’s about striving for and maintaining a balance between:

Work and play
Alone time and togetherness
Stress and relaxation
Challenges/progression and gratitude/contentment
Creativity and logic
Speaking and listening
Activity and rest
“Negative” emotions and “positive” emotions
The good in the bad and the bad in the good (Yin and Yang)

 

Making these three things an active, natural part of your life will have you on your way to better mental health in general. They are on-going practices and attitudes, so keep them in your tool-box!

Anything to add? Let me know!

 

If you need any help in bettering your mental health, or better coping with anxiety, depression, and stress, then my book “You’re As Mad As I Am” may be for you. Check it out here, and download a free sample to see what it’s all about.

If you want to hire me to write about mental health (or other), then don’t hesitate to get in touch!

 

Thanks for reading. Don’t forget to like, comment, or follow my site if you enjoy my content 

Defence Mechanisms: Our Armour

Defence Mechanisms are what do we do to protect ourselves from vulnerability, judgement, pain, fear, and shame, but at the risk of meaningful connections, success, growth, true happiness and freedom.

They can become our armour, knowingly or not, that we carry with us out in the world for protection from harm. Let’s discuss these further and see how they manifest for each of us…

 

What are Defence Mechanisms?

Defined as “Defense mechanisms are thought to safeguard the mind against feelings and thoughts that are too difficult for the conscious mind to cope with.”

“A defence mechanism is an unconscious psychological mechanism that reduces anxiety arising from unacceptable or potentially harmful stimuli.”

 

Why can they be bad for us?

Wearing an armour all the time is bad because it’s heavy; it’s weighing you down. It’s a tiring life to live if you are always on-guard, walls up, ready to defend yourself even when there is no real fight.

Sometimes, there are people who seek to hurt us; or situations that aren’t easy to be in, but armouring yourself and using defence mechanisms isn’t authentic. It isn’t fair. It is keeping you from a life of freedom, connectivity, and abundant love.

You see, defence mechanisms can sometimes become so natural that we don’t notice them. They become a part of who we are and seep into other areas of our lives, where they’re definitely not needed. This is mainly in our personal relationships.

How can someone open up, be themselves, and be loved for all that they are, if they have walls up and armour on and guns at the ready?

 

What are the most common Defence Mechanisms?
Humour

As we all know from Chandler Bing from Friends; humour is often used as a defence mechanism, a way of hiding from real or tough emotions. It’s like saying, if I make a joke then everyone will laugh and like me and move on from the difficult situation where I feel vulnerable.

It’s choosing to joke around or be silly instead of saying with a confident, whole-heart that you love someone; or that you feel afraid; or that you’re sad and you don’t know why. Instead of opening those doors where you’re vulnerable to criticism, rejection, judgement, shame, or loss, you lock the door with misplaced humour (just in case).

 

Shrinking

We put ourselves down, undersell our achievements and our worth, and let people walk over us. This is a defence because it’s easier to shrink and give people what they want than to stand in your truth and own your worth.

You avoid the difficulty of being yourself and standing up for yourself by shrinking and minimising who you are, thus avoiding conflict or rejection.

 

Puffing Up

This is the other way that a difficult encounter can go. Instead of shrinking, we puff up and boast. Actually, I’m this and I’m that and I’m worthy. We try to convert people into seeing how great we are by puffing out our chest.

Instead of simply being authentic, being yourself and giving yourself self-worth, you’re instead puffing up and demanding validation of your worth from others. This is the Ego shouting out and demanding to be seen.

We may see this as defending our worth, but it is actually diminishing it because it says, “my worth comes from their approval, not from within” which is very negative.

 

Cruelty

Of course, this is a big one. When an animal is backed into a corner, it attacks. If someone feels vulnerable, threatened, afraid, or judged, they bite back. They get cruel and point out all the imperfections, mistakes, failures, and insecurities of a person to tear them down and feel superior.

This is what a bully does; they have their own insecurities that they don’t like poked at, so they beat up on everyone else.

This is also known as Displacement: “taking out our frustrations, feelings, and impulses on people or objects that are less threatening.”

It is also similar to Projection: “Projection is a defence mechanism that involves taking our own unacceptable qualities or feelings and ascribing them to other people.”

Cruelty is a big one, which varies in many ways. It can be aggression; or subtle with passive-aggression. It can be feeding on the insecurities of others; or projecting your own feelings onto them.

 

Lying or withholding truths

When we feel threatened or on display, we can begin to change who we are to suit the situation. This can be to people-please, to fit in, or to withhold our truth for fear of shame and judgement.

From there, the defence mechanism comes in the form of lying about what we’ve done or who we are; or at least nitpicking and withholding the truth.

Instead of saying, “I’m unemployed at the moment” (which can be tough to admit), we say “I’m working for an insurance company” which is not true; or “I’m looking for another job” then withholding the fact that it’s because you were fired.

 

Avoidance

This is like what politicians do, they steer their answers in another direction if they aren’t comfortable with the question! This isn’t the same as lying; it’s a more tactful defence mechanism. These people avoid uncomfortable situations either by removing themselves from them; or steering a conversation or situation to another topic.

 

Denial

Denial is “an outright refusal to admit or recognize that something has occurred or is currently occurring.”

I like to think of this one as the “I don’t care” defence mechanism. It is either you really convince yourself that something isn’t true, or you shrug things off with an untrue “I don’t care” to deny it’s power over you.

 

Vices and Bad Habits

To suppress feelings of discomfort, vulnerability, shame, fear, or judgement, we can turn to things that aren’t healthy for us. Smoking, drinking, overeating, bad decisions; these are all examples of defence mechanisms. They say, “I’m afraid or uncomfortable and so I’m going to suppress that feeling with XYZ.”

 

Conclusion

All forms of defence mechanisms come down to the same thing: the protection from shame, judgement, fear, loss, rejection, criticism, conflict, discomfort, challenges, vulnerability, and insecurities.

We hope to use DMs as a way to avoid pain.

The truth is, pain is unavoidable. It is a part of life, but suffering doesn’t need to be. By being ourselves, stepping into vulnerability, and feeling but not identifying with the hard to handle emotions listed above, we are able to be authentic and strong and deal with things better.

By doing this, we are choosing ourselves, our real selves, without hiding or fighting. We are practising love and trust in ourselves in our entirety.

In doing this, we are open to real connection. Open to lessons learned and growth. Open to the authenticity and strength that comes with just being yourself.

 

So, be aware of the armour you wear and ask yourself why it’s there. Then, take the time to take it off. Also, recognise the armour on others; practice compassion and empathy when dealing with theirs.

 

Source:

Definitions used – https://www.verywellmind.com/defense-mechanisms-2795960