S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 66

Podcast Episode: All You Need Is Awareness

Have you ever cared about things like meditation, intentional living, self-love, habits and anything in the way of personal development and self-improvement? If so, this podcast episode is for you!

I think personal development can be overcomplicated. All you need is awareness…

(Click play to listen!)

https://thewritewayme.files.wordpress.com/2019/04/all-you-need-is-awareness.mp3

 

Don’t forget that if you enjoy my podcast, you can follow it on Spotify and other podcast apps!

xx

What It Takes To Be A Freelancer

Recently, I wondered whether I am “cut out” for this freelancer lifestyle. If I had “what it takes” to be a freelancer. And so, here are my thoughts; this is what I think it takes to succeed as a freelancer…

*Obviously, as no expert myself!*

 

Self-motivation

In order to be a freelancer, you need to be self-motivated. There’s no one telling you what to do. There’s no boss. Therefore, to get any real work done, you need to be self-motivated. You need to be a self-starter. Without the independence and motivation to get yourself going, you will continue to fail to meet deadlines or even get any business for yourself at all.

 

Discipline

When you work for yourself, you often work from home or coffee shops or libraries. This means you are responsible for what you do. There’s no one stopping you from going on Twitter, watching Netflix, or waking up at 2pm. There’s no one holding you accountable.

This is why you must be self-motivated and disciplined. You must make sure you’re actually working! You must make sure that you’re communicating with clients and meeting deadlines effectively. You are your boss, so you must set a strict structure for yourself if you hope to succeed.

 

Time management

And of course, with discipline comes Time Management. As I said, you can’t sleep in until 2pm. You need to be able to set your own schedule, deadlines, and routines. You need to know when you work best to then ensure that the big parts of your workday are done at the optimal times.

Don’t waste your day; don’t waste your time.

Freelancers are likely to work more hours than normal workers, too. Are you able to put in the needed time? Are you able to also recognise when it’s time to take a break, for your wellbeing? Well, you should.

 

Multi-Talented

Unlike in an office, as a freelancer, you must be the receptionist, the social media content writer, the content writer, the accountant, the this and the that for your business. You’ll need a website, social media accounts, emails, invoices and accounts, and constant content to put out to show your abilities.

And this will all be done by you (unless you’re lucky enough to have helpers or if you have the money to hire others).

So, you will need to be more than just someone who can work. You’re all the workers now, can you handle that?

 

Appropriate Spaces

Freelancers need to be able to find the right workspaces. You can’t work from your bed every day, for example; you need your bed to be for sleep not work! You need to be able to find space in your home that works as an appropriate office space. You also need to try out outside workspaces, like cafes, coffee shops, and libraries until you find places you like that work for you.

Finding the right place could be the difference between work done well or wasted days.

 

Home and Work-Life Balance

As I said, it can be difficult as a freelancer to know when work stops and home life begins. The two blend together if you’re not careful. In order for this lifestyle to work, you need to be able to separate the two. You need to be able to switch off, detach, and keep work in certain hours of the day, and family/home life in other periods.

A bad work-life balance can cause stress, strained relationships, and a poor reality for yourself in general.

 

Resilience

It will be a very tough road, being a freelancer and self-employed, and so you need to be resilient. You need to be able to handle the ups and downs, ebbs and flows. If you’re someone who’s easily knocked down and stays down, this may not be for you.

 

Networking

I don’t necessarily mean networking events (although these can help immensely), but you do need to be friendly, approachable, and always willing and ready to meet new people. You never know who might be able to help land you a gig. So, are you the networking type? Do you know your business or skills well enough to sell yourself when in conversation with someone unexpectedly?

Also, you will need to be comfortable with messaging and emailing loads of people to find work, often with little return.

 

Genuine drive

You can’t just do this for the money, because you might not have any for a while. This is why you need genuine drive and passion for what you’re doing, otherwise, you will quit when the going gets tough.

I’ve always been a writer. I’m always writing on my blog or for my novels. Writing is most definitely a genuine interest of mine that I do with passion. This means that sales or not, clients or not, I will continue to write. Always.

So, do I tick these boxes? Mostly, yes! And so, maybe, just maybe, I am cut out for this after all. Are you? Do you have what it takes to be a freelancer?

Do You Trust Yourself?

I’ve come to love the word Trust. I believe that it is at the centre of anything that we do. Trust is crucial for love and relationships. Trust is crucial for leaps of faith. Trust is needed for faith of any kind. Trust is strength. So, I ask you…

Do you really trust yourself? Always?

What is trust?

For me, trust is when you can depend on something or someone. Trust is when no matter what, you know things will be OK. It’s hope and faith and comfort. Comfort being my favourite meaning, as being comfortable with yourself or another, means you really have trust no matter what.

But I want to show a different side to trust, one that author and researcher Brene Brown talks about…

Brent Brown on Trust:

She breaks down her definition of Trust as this acronym: B.R.A.V.I.N.G

B – BOUNDARIES

This is where you respect boundaries, set boundaries, and ask about boundaries when you’re unsure. Boundaries are kind of like rules or a guideline on personal needs and preferences. For example, “I don’t like to be disturbed between the hours of 9 and 10 in the morning, that’s my time.” So this boundary should be freely set and respected between parties without judgement.

 

R – RELIABILITY

This is where you can depend on someone or something. You know they will do what they say they’ll do. You can trust them to be there for you and vice versa. This is when you know your own (or other people’s) abilities and priorities and limitations and how you act accordingly.

 

A – ACCOUNTABILITY

This is where you hold yourself and others accountable. You can own up to mistakes, apologise when needed, and make things better.

 

V – VAULT

You are trusted to keep secrets. You don’t share information that is not yours to share. People know they can share with you and that information stays between you. Also, that you don’t share other people’s information with anyone at all (gossip), so they can tell you are trustworthy.

 

I – INTEGRITY

Brene says this should be choosing courage over comfort. Choosing what is right no matter how hard it may be. And that you keep to and actively practice your values, not just talk about them.

 

N – NON-JUDGMENT

This is the ability to ask for what you need and let others ask for what they need. That needs are discussed in a judgment-free space.

 

G – GENEROSITY 

And lastly, that you “extend the most generous interpretation possible to the

intentions, words, and actions of others.” That you take what someone has said or done and instead of jumping to the worst case scenario or worst of intentions behind what was said, you trust them and offer generosity by considering the best of intentions in your interpretations instead.

(Source: https://daretolead.brenebrown.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/BRAVING.pdf )

 

So, do you trust yourself?

I think when applying Brene’s ideas, most of us wouldn’t be able to say that we truly trust ourselves.

Do I set personal boundaries and respect the boundaries that I set for myself?

No.

Do I depend on myself or recognise my own abilities and limitations in order to see myself as reliable?

No.

Do I hold myself accountable for my actions?

Hmm, sometimes.

Do I lock away and keep other people’s confidences?

Mostly.

Do I actively practice my values, instead of just speaking about them?

Not enough.

Do I allow myself to be who I am and speak about my feelings without judgement?

No, I haven’t mastered that one yet.

And do I think the best about myself and my actions instead of the worst?

No.

Therefore, the verdict is: I don’t trust myself. Not really. Not enough.

How sad is that?

 

Do you trust yourself in strife?

I think this is the ultimate test of trust. If you are in danger; if you’re about to take a risk; if you’re vulnerable and unsure; if you’re facing problems and difficulties…do you trust yourself?

Can you trust yourself to make the right decisions?

Can you trust yourself to persevere?

Can you trust yourself to be strong and brave?

Can you trust yourself to make mistakes, take ownership, and learn from them?

Adversity is a great indicator of trust. Those who trust themselves are resilient and strong. Those who trust themselves are able to get through any hardship. Why? Because as I said, trust is at the root of all successes.

If you trust yourself, you hold yourself accountable. This means you will take responsibility, make changes where needed, and persevere accordingly.

If you trust yourself, you will have integrity, so you will do the right thing and hold true to your values instead of allowing yourself to be scared or changed by external factors.

So, in order to succeed in our endeavours, we must trust ourselves. It’s dangerous not to. And if you can’t trust yourself in difficulties, you may fall into some bad places…

 

Do you trust yourself in relationships?

This is a big one. I think that strife is a big indicator of trust in oneself, but our relationships are more of a constant indication of where our trust lies.

In relationships, do you give your all? Do you trust yourself to pick the right people and give yourself to them fully? Do you trust yourself to act appropriately? Do you trust yourself to trust others, and allow yourself to be vulnerable with them?

Think about it this way, you need to trust someone in order to let them catch you if you’re falling, for example, right? That’s why it’s called a Trust Fall. So, thinking about this in more depth, do you trust yourself to put yourself in a situation where someone else is supposed to catch you?

With my life partner, I must trust him to keep my confidences. To protect me, honour me, support me, lift me, and encourage me throughout our life together. The same is true with my mother, my sister, my brother, my grandparents, and any close friends.

When we really think about it, this is a lot. This is serious. It’s a big responsibility to allow someone to do that for you, but in the beginning, that responsibility lies with you.

Because we pick who we choose to trust, and the wrong choice, can have dire consequences…

They will hurt you. Disappoint you. Make you question yourself and your worthiness. Make you make wrong decisions and ultimately change the course of your life.

Now that’s not to be ignored.

If you put your trust in the wrong people, again and again, you need to ask yourself if you even trust yourself. There’s a saying that goes, “you can’t love someone until you love yourself” but I think this is wrong. I’d sooner say,

“You can’t trust someone until you trust yourself.”

Because how would you know what trust is if you don’t trust yourself? Trust is love. Trust is strength. Trust is connection. Trust is resilience. If you can give that to yourself, boy will you pick the right people and allow them to give the right things to you.

When you can set Boundaries for yourself, you understand and respect the boundaries of others.

When you can Rely on yourself, you can rely on yourself to put your faith in people who are actually reliable.

When you can hold yourself Accountable, you will be able to hold others accountable without restriction or fear because you understand the importance of it.

When you can lock away your information in the Vault and keep others’ too, you will trust yourself to share the right information with the right people for them to keep in their vault.

When you can practice Integrity and ensure you hold true to your personal values in your life, you will see that integrity in others and connect to it on a deep level.

When you can give kindness to yourself with Non-judgement, you are able to give that same kindness to others and encourage them to give it to themselves.

And when you can be Generous with yourself and consider the best of intentions, you can again give that kindness and see it or ask for it from those who you enter relationships with.

Our relationships are stronger not only when we trust others, but when we trust ourselves, too.

 

Do you trust yourself?

So, do you trust yourself in-line with Brene Brown’s BRAVING blueprint?

Do you trust yourself in difficult situations and periods in your life?

Do you trust yourself in relationships and who you choose to give your time and energy to?

If the answer is no, which I suspect it is for a lot of us, then think about what this means. Why don’t you trust yourself? What’s stopping you? What are the consequences of your lack of trust?

Here are some ideas to take away with you…

 

Why you don’t trust yourself:

Experiences or events of the past giving “evidence” as to why you shouldn’t
Mistakes and failures stacking up
Low self-esteem
Mental health disorders or illnesses (anxiety or depression etc.)
Bad decisions in the past
Poor circumstances
Lack of life experience
Poor relationships with others

 

How to trust yourself:

Challenge yourself often
Forgive yourself for the past
Try to judge yourself less
Give the kindness that you give to others back to yourself
Write a list of accomplishments (personal ones, not societal ones) and keep referring back to it
Set boundaries, goals, and guidelines to help you make decisions better, keep to your values, and cultivate a life and relationships that are meaningful to you

 

I want to trust myself because then I know nothing will ever be too bad. I can get through anything if I have trust.

Trusting yourself means you make better decisions with the right intentions. It means you’ll look after yourself, love yourself, and be kind to yourself. You will see yourself as you really are, not a tainted illusionary perception from a place of lacking trust.

With trust, you can be you. You can be naked and vulnerable without fear. You can create, share, and self-express with truth and honesty and strength. That sounds perfect to me.

Question your trust this week, face your whys, and make changes. It’ll be liberating and life-changing…

 

Embracing Life’s Spectrum: Living Free

We can free ourselves by thinking less black and white. Less us and them. Less “you are or you aren’t“. Because life should be lived on a spectrum. And this spectrum both sets us free and connects us…

 

Personality & Identity

We are never fully formed. People will have you believe that once you reach adulthood, that’s it. You are the person you were meant to be, in that your personality is formed.

I disagree.

We are all capable of change. We all grow and experience new things and meet new people that influence who we are, what we do, and how we think. This then leads to changes in our personality and identity.

By viewing who we are as a spectrum, we free ourselves from believing that there are certain things we should or shouldn’t do – according to our personality or identity. We free ourselves from assumptions (about ourselves or others) and allow ourselves to grow and change without resistance.

You’re not wholly either an introvert or an extrovert, for example; we all sit on the spectrum. We are all somewhere on the line, and that connects us to one another and to traits that we usually think have nothing to do with us.

Over time, the percentages change and our place on the line shifts.

 

Gender

Why can’t people get their head around the fact that gender is a made up social idea? Like everything in our world, gender was made up one day. Someone decided, Penis = Man, Vagina = Woman, and then they attached a bunch of bullsh*t traits and tendencies that go along with them.

Instead, if we simply see gender as a spectrum, we can begin to free ourselves from social norms or expectations. We can stop saying that anyone with a penis shouldn’t wear a dress. Or that anyone with a vagina can’t wrestle professionally. (Or some other stupid gender normative idea).

So, if someone feels they should have a vagina, but they weren’t born with one, who are we to say they’re wrong? If someone was born with a vagina but they feel like wearing shaved hair, trousers, and a sports t-shirt, who are we to say that’s weird?

How one chooses to look, or how one chooses to act, should not be up for discussion. Simple.

Our genitalia does not come with an instruction manual on how to dress, self-express, have sex, or behave.

Gender does not exist, really. It’s just an idea, so why can’t we all just live and decide on that idea to suit our own values and needs? That’s a freeing thought to me.

 

Sexuality

I’ll admit, when I was younger, I used to think that you’re either gay or you’re not. That you will one day understand which way you swing! But over the last few years, I’ve realised how silly that is. Sexuality is not, and will never be, so simple.

I’m not saying that one year you might be gay, and the next you’re hetero, and the next you’re asexual. I’m saying that your sense of sexuality is fluid and moving and alive just as you are.

The closest label that I could give myself is bi-curious. Because I’m in a relationship (committed, sexual, life partner etc.) with a cisgender male, which makes me heterosexual/ straight, right? But I also like some women; I find them attractive. I’m not sure exactly how I like them, or whether I’d enjoy a sexual experience with a woman, but the thoughts are there.

But the point is, I don’t need to know, and neither do you.

I think simply seeing your sexuality as a spectrum helps remove labels and limitations and expectations and assumptions. It just says, “I like who I like, simple!” And how freeing and uncomplex is that? Sounds good to me, I’ll take it!

 

Skills and talents

Everyone, listen up! Stop saying, “I’m not good at INSERT THING HERE” because this statement (said aloud or internally) is limiting your abilities. It is this statement, and this statement alone, that is making you bad at something.

You may not be naturally talented at something. It may take you longer to do something than it takes others. BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN’T DO IT!

Repeat: That does not mean you can’t do it!

Our abilities are also on a spectrum. It’s not that we either can do something or we can’t. It’s not that you’re either amazing at something or awful at it. There’s a whole long spectrum. And this means that you can move up and down the spectrum throughout your life.

The only thing stopping you is how you think and how you act. A change in mindset could set you free and allow you to finally do what you want to do (but once thought you couldn’t).

Always thought that you were bad at Maths? You’re only bad because you decided that you are! Change the language!

 

Emotions

I believe that thinking about our emotions as a spectrum is freeing and cool, too. That at any given point in time, we’re not either sad or happy, we’re on a spectrum with them both, always.

When you feel happy, it’s because your Happiness Spectrum cursor is sitting at the far end of Happiness. You’re 80% Happy, let’s say, but that also means you’re 20% not Happy. This means that you needn’t be afraid or angry at yourself when you’re Sad, because when you’re 80% Sad, you may also be 20% not Sad.

* Sadness is not the opposite of Happiness and vice versa. I don’t think emotions have opposites like this, really. Instead, I see it like this:

NOT HAPPY —————MID—————— HAPPY

NOT SAD ——————MID——————– SAD

NOT JEALOUS ————-MID—————- JEALOUS

NOT AFRAID ————–MID—————- AFRAID

NOT ANGRY ————-MID—————— ANGRY

(And so on…)

This is why it can sometimes be hard to explain how you feel. Because sometimes you’re not happy but you’re not not-happy, either. This is because you’re sitting somewhere on the spectrum of happiness instead, alongside feeling a percentage of other emotions, too.*

Throughout our day, we move up and down the spectrums of our emotions. We are never trapped in a set state. We are never wholly feeling just one emotion. As adults, we are complex beings who feel a lot of things all at once.

Accepting the spectrum for what it is and what it means feels calming to me, because it seems so much easier to sit on a spectrum, sliding up and down, than it does to feel like I must force a change in emotion. Right?!

 

Relationships

Again, we can sometimes find it hard to describe a relationship with someone because connections with people are like a spectrum, too. A spectrum of love, caring, admiration, respect, trust, enjoyment, and kinship.

As adults, our relationships with people become more complex. It’s not a case of whether a person is a friend or not. They sit on a spectrum. They can move up and down the spectrum as life goes on depending on these things:

How they make you feel
What they do for you (what they bring into your life) and vice versa
How much time or energy you give to the relationship
How in-line your values are
The energy that they share with you and bring into your space
And so on…

When we try to define our relationships less often, and simply concentrate on how a person makes us feel, we free ourselves from expectations, labels, assumptions, and pain, too.

 

Health

This shouldn’t warrant much explanation. Our health is also a spectrum. We’re not either ill or well. The health of our bodies and minds is all on a spectrum. If it leans more one way or another, that is where you will see a difference.

Thinking about our health in this way will wake us up to the fact that any health advice that is given to us (for physical or mental health) is not to be ignored just because we see ourselves as “healthy”.

We can all be healthier, and we are all vulnerable to different sicknesses and health decline.

Free yourself and ensure that you take care of your health by seeing it as a spectrum that is constantly shifting.

 

Growth

Oprah says in her book What I Know For Sure, “If we are really committed to growth, we never stop discovering new dimensions of self and self-exploration.”

I find that beautiful. I find it beautiful because that statement is full of hope, prosperity, possibility, and freedom of self. It means you needn’t ever be fully-formed in any way. It means you will, again as Oprah says, “eternally grow in and out of yourself” and that just blows my mind and gives a real sense of comfort…

 

Seeing life in this way has helped to open my mind and free myself. It means there’s nothing that I can’t be or can’t do. It means I’m never wholly one thing or another. We are all on the spectrum which connects us and frees us to do and be just about anything we desire.

Free yourself, by thinking openly…

Why We Get Offended

No matter who you are, we all get offended by things. Offended by a comment or action or information that doesn’t sit well with us. This then leads to anger, sadness, personal criticism, or changes in behaviour.

But why do we get offended in the first place? Here’s why I think we get offended…

 

Highly Sensitive

If you’re like me, you can be easily offended because you’re a sensitive person by nature. Sadly, sensitive people are more prone to hurt feelings from things like jokes, criticism, or comments. This is because we feel very deeply. We feel happiness very deeply, but we also feel sadness very deeply, as well as criticism or offensive comments/actions.

*If you are a highly sensitive person, don’t think that there’s something wrong with you. I used to wish that I could care less so that I’d never get upset and I’d always be happy. Trust me, it’s a pointless pursuit! Instead, you should see this as a superpower.

Yes, it means you can hurt more deeply or get offended without need, but it also means you’re empathetic, sympathetic, emotionally intelligent and great with people on a personal level. I also think my being highly sensitive helps with my writing and my goals to help change the world. So, I’ll take that!*

 

Fear It’s True

If we didn’t already fear that what a person said was true, it wouldn’t get to us so much. If someone called me a purple horse, I wouldn’t take offence because I know it’s not true! But if you’re called lazy by someone, and you worry (even subconsciously) that it’s true, it will make you take offence to what was said.

We all have underlying beliefs about ourselves or our lives. Some of these we are aware of, some we are not. These beliefs can sit inside of you and poison you without you realising. Then, when someone comes along and says something, you get offended because it awakens that deep-rooted belief that you have inside.

My triggers are being called boring, lazy, stupid, fat, a loser, or being told that what I’ve done is wrong. And that’s because I already believe (even to a small degree) that these things may be true about myself.

So, next time you’re offended, ask yourself why. Ask yourself if there is any truth in it and if there’s not, there’s no need to give any energy to it.

Low self-esteem

Again, if you’re like me, you may have low self-esteem. If that’s the case, you are more susceptible to feeling offended by things. This very much ties into the point above. If you have low self-esteem, you’re likely to believe negative things about yourself.

“I’m a failure.”

“I’m a loser”

“No one wants to be my friend.”

“I have no good ideas.”

“I’m not enough.”

These damaging thoughts and beliefs are making you prone to hurt feelings from external influences. A self-confident person will not be offended by external factors as much, because they are confident in who they are, what they do, and how they think. So, no one can come along to shake that up.

 

Personal attack

Sometimes things can sound like a personal attack. And when it feels that way, truth or not, we get offended and we get defensive.

Personal attacks can sound like, “You never help out around the house, you’re lazy!”

Then whether this is true or not, we can offended, we get angry or upset, and then we get defensive.

“I always help you! You never value me. Why don’t you tell so-and-so off for not helping? I hate you!”

I think these situations can be avoided in two ways. One, we stop and breathe and ask “is this true?” before answering. Two, we practice love and understanding in the place of defence or attack.

On the other side of this, you should also be mindful of the language you use if you want to avoid sounding like you are attacking someone.

We could say, “I feel like I would be happier if I got more help around the house.”

This then takes the “You“s away, which sound like an attack, and uses “I” instead which no one can throw back at you because they can’t tell you how you should feel. Get it?

Careful of accidentally (or intentionally!) personally attacking people, and be careful of what you take as a personal attack. With a change in language and perspective, the situation can be avoided.

 

Our Values Questioned

If something goes against your values or beliefs (about the world, yourself, or other) then you are likely to take offensive or at least be bothered by it.

This is why people are offended by swearing or cursing, for example. If they themselves think that people shouldn’t swear in public, or shouldn’t swear when young, or that “proper ladies don’t swear“, then they will be offended.

If someone uses a racial slur or assumes an outdated norm or stereotype, then many people take offence because we value inclusivity, kindness, political correctness, and forward-thinking.

This is why older generations are sick of the Millennial Generation (and younger) who get “so easily offended”. It’s because we are a generation in a world that is moving forwards towards change for all, which goes against the old values and systems of the past.

When someone says or does something that goes against our norm, our values, our beliefs, and our way of life, it can then cause us to feel off. Whether that includes feeling offended, being downright angry, or simply feeling ill at ease.

 

Conclusion

So, this is why we get offended. If you are someone who’s told you’re “too easily offended” then one of these may be the reason why. If others get offended by what you say or do, these could also shed some light on that, too. Either way, there’s a logical reason for it, and a way to avoid it with personal analysis.

Plus, perspective goes a long, long way! Thinking about something differently, and taking some time in certain situations, can lead to very different results.

Being offended by something is an emotional reaction, which means that it’s coming from inside. If you know yourself, truly know yourself, then you should know why something offends you.

X

Vote for Me in the Mental Health Blogger Awards!

I have been nominated for the Mental Health Blogger Awards!

If you enjoy my site and my content, I would be so happy if you voted for me. I’m on the last page of people as Blogger of the Year, listed as: “Siana-Rose: The Write Way”

 

Click the link below to vote! 

** https://s.surveyplanet.com/muJGC3bhY?fbclid=IwAR3op7Iyxlr808I5Jl71Rt_j_CASjBZhWu60AQcjKvxy7k2Z1B6b5SjatRs

 

Thank you in advance and thank you for much for your loyalty and consistent reading. I wouldn’t be here without you all. I love writing what I write and so that’s enough, but this nomination means the world and it has helped me realise that I do have an audience who need me and it’s all worth it to help or inspire just one person!

 

xx

Discussing CHANGE

Things change very quickly. In the blink of an eye, everything that seemed like a far-future is suddenly your everyday life. The change happens and we miss it.

There is a sort of paradox when it comes to change, though. We want it, yet we resist it. We all go through it, yet it feels like nothing ever changes. Right? Well, let’s discuss…

 

Choosing it

I think we all go through a time in our lives when we wish things would change. Where we wish we could change our habits, our weight, our talents, our style, or whatever else. So, why do so few of us actually make changes?

Because we all do the wishing, but few of us do the acting.

I believe that once you choose change, and really choose it with all your heart and soul, change will then occur. The universe will see your resolve and help to make it happen.

I used to want to eat better. I was a fussy-eater for most of my life. Then one year, something just changed. I started to eat better, and I’ve never gone back. I’m unrecognisable to the girl I used to be.

So, what was the difference between that year and all the others before?

I didn’t really want to change before. Not nearly enough. Because there was no real issue with my eating. I wasn’t unhealthy or at risk. So, there seemed no real need to change even if I wished for it. I wasn’t willing to work for it.

Until I was. Until I chose it on the inside. Then once you choose it will all your heart, you work for it. You act and make it happen, and the universe supports your pursuits.

 

Resisting it

Someone once said, “what we resist persists,” and I think that’s true. We resist fear and failure and this causes more of the same to occur. We resist people and places and suddenly we find ourselves seeing those people or visiting those places.

Resisting change doesn’t stop it from happening. Fact.

When you meet change or the coming of a change with resistance, you are causing it to be worse. You are stealing from your own happiness. Instead, to embrace the change, whether it’s good or bad, will help you to feel better about it.

Instead of it being the closing of a chapter, you can choose to see it as the beginning of one. Welcome what this chapter has to bring you. Everything happens for a reason, bad or good. It’s here to teach you something, so let it in.

Do not resist what you have little or no control over.

 

Needing it

Sometimes we want change, sometimes it happens when we don’t want it, but what about when we need it? Does the simple fact that you need it make it so? Does needing it mean you enjoy the process? Often, the answer is no.

Again, with my food, I wanted to change but I didn’t need to. Not enough. And I feel this contributed to why change didn’t happen back then. But sometimes, even needing it isn’t enough. Because sometimes, we think we need the wrong things…

I think the universe (or whatever or whoever you choose to believe in) knows what’s best for you more than you do. The job you think you need might not be what the universe knows is best. The love interest or friendship that you’re chasing may not be the person you actually need in your life.

So, when our “needs” are out of alignment, the universe will not give it to us. If you have a need for a specific change and you’re frustrated that it’s not happening, ask yourself if this is a real need for you. Ask yourself why you want it (or need it) and if it’s actually meant for you.

The intention behind a decision is key. Truth and authenticity are, too. We’re often very confused about what we actually need in our lives, so perhaps change happens according to a real need, not an imagined one.

 

Mindset and Language

Instead of “going through change”, what if we chose to grow through it? Or glow through it? In fact, instead of going through change at all, what if we go with change, willingly and without resistance or struggle?

Growing with change

Glowing in change

Those sound good to me. They’re much less scary, right? Because yes, change can be hard but it’s hardly ever bad. Never all bad. It’s often needed to get rid of waste, to make you stronger, make things better, or make you aim higher.

Losing your job may not be a punishment. Maybe it’s the change you need in order to go for that dream job you were too afraid to pursue.

The end of that relationship may have been an unwelcome change, but what if it’s the universe’s way of saying, “you deserve better“?

What if we changed how we thought about and spoke about change? Don’t you think it would make things very different when it happens? I think so.

 

Conclusion

Change is not the bad guy. Change also doesn’t hold all the answers. Change is a paradox because it both is and isn’t all powerful. Change is always present yet we never truly see the process of it. We shift from one state to the next and nearly always miss the road in-between.

It’s only when we look up and realise that we now have what we once wished for that we realise change has occured.

So, try not to resist change, fear it, or postpone it. There’s often an unseen plan in play that will bring you great beauty if you allow it.

Try to analyse what you think you want or need. It might be that it’s not quite right for you, not quite authentic, or just not the right time.

And try to actively choose things with intention and purpose in order to make real change happen in your life.

Paulo Coehlo wrote in The Alchemist, “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

 

How to Take Life Less Seriously

As I said in one of my old posts, the three morals of my current story are:

Be You
Learn to Adapt
Take Life Less Seriously

Today I wanted to discuss how and why we should follow the third point if we want success and happiness in our lives…

 

Slow down

Hold up! Pause! Breathe! Slow down!

People who take life less seriously aren’t in the business of rushing through it. They allow themselves to take breaks, to slow down, to press pause, to try again tomorrow. This is not to say that they take their goals less seriously, it just means they take the whole life game less seriously.

Slowing down doesn’t mean you’re giving up on your goals. Taking a break doesn’t mean you’re going to fail or fall behind.

Better to take a break or slow down, than to run yourself into a wall of exhaustation and unhappiness.

 

Laugh

Taking life less seriously means you must, of course, learn to laugh more. Laugh at shitty situations. Laugh at funny things. Laugh at funny people. Laugh at things that are cheesy! But most importantly, laugh at yourself.

I need to learn this one. I get embarrassed and self-conscious too easily. If I was better at laughing at myself, I’d laugh when I fail, stumble, or make mistakes. I’d laugh at myself in the gym; I’d laugh when a blog post has a mistake in it; I’d laugh after a bad review.

Because trust me, it’s better to laugh than cry.

Laughing doesn’t mean you don’t take yourself or your pursuits seriously; it just means you’ve chosen not to let everything get inside and hurt you.

There’s no need to let every failure hurt so damn much. There’s going to be plenty of low points and mistakes in your life, so better to learn from them and laugh in the process, than let it break you.

Plus, remember to surround yourself with fun, funny, and free-spirited people. Their energy rubs off on you.

 

Listen to music

Somewhere down the line, I stopped listening to music. Gasp, I know! My partner loves music, so I listen whenever he’s around or in the car, but other than that, I barely do. Somehow, I got into the habit of listening to Audiobooks or Podcasts whenever I listened to things. Or if I’m working, I’ll listen to instrumental music and Movie Scores, not music with beats and lyrics that make me want to dance.

Now, I’m happy that I’m productive enough to listen to podcasts and audiobooks when I’m on the move, thus learning and consuming information whenever possible. Using and nurturing my mind. HOWEVER, this is not how one takes life less seriously!

Music feeds the soul. Music lifts the spirit. Music makes us dance and move and connect with one another. It feeds the heart. Yes, we should be learning and growing but that’s not at the expense of dancing, moving, and feeding the heart, too.

 

Go with the flow

People who take life less seriously are more inclined towards going with the flow than planning things out. I’m definitely a planner at heart, and as someone with big writing projects and big dreams, a plan is a good thing to have.

HOWEVER, you also need to learn how to go with the flow; learn to let go of the plan when needed.

This is adaptability and I think a person is more likely to reach success and happiness if they can adapt and change things up when necessary, instead of sticking to a plan all the time.

Because you can’t plan for everything. The vision you have in your head of how your life is going to go is most certainly not going to happen. If you don’t learn how to go with the flow, then you will suffer disappointment after disappointment. You will be stressed and depressed in no time at all.

So, let go of the to-do list and the plan every once in a while. Don’t be knocked sideways when things go differently than you imagined. And learn to say Yes to opportunities, even if you didn’t expect them (we often don’t).

 

Take risks

People who are well-practised in taking life less seriously will take more risks. They care less about the potential dangers that come with risk-taking. They just go for it.

Life’s too short after all…

I’ve seen lately just how quickly things change. Time just shoots on by and if we’re not careful, we’ll be old and looking back realising that we didn’t truly live.

To live is to take risks. To live is to choose the excitement of a thing over the fear of it.

So, ask the guy out. Dare to love big. Write the book. Start the podcast. Start the business.

*Calculated risks are advised, just never get caught up in the calculating stage forever…

 

Be you

If you’re taking life less seriously, you realise life’s too short to be anything but your true authentic Self. You don’t apologise for who you are. You do you without hiding or shrinking.

Be you, beautifully, truly, unapologetically

So, wear whatever you want. Say whatever you want (as long as it doesn’t hurt others!). Create whatever is in your heart. Express yourself and love yourself and don’t let anyone stop you doing it.

Life’s fun when you don’t allow yourself to be restricted by the seriousness of an oppressive society and it’s norms!

 

Don’t think too much

I really need to stop thinking about everything. About every conversation, encounter, chore, task, project, film, tv show, book, meal, walk, everything! It’s maddening.

We all have goals and dreams and projects and aspirations. It’s great! But thinking about them too much doesn’t actually help you achieve them. It doesn’t guarantee success. It’ll probably just drive you crazy and steal your happiness in the process.

Thinking too much is how we talk ourselves out of things, too. I recently thought myself into a fit of panic. I have anxiety but this is no excuse! I know how to do and be better, yet I let myself think myself into a frenzy.

Thinking is important, of course it is, but we also need to learn how to switch it off. To think less and do more.

Stop thinking about your dreams, get busy making them happen instead.

Life’s not that serious. Just take a step, do that thing, and see what happens. Simple.

 

Channel your inner child

Kids don’t take life seriously. We grow up and get too serious. I get it; we have bills and jobs and responsibility. But who says that we should also stop playing, laughing, getting our knees dirty, and colouring outside of the lines?

Speak to your inner child and ask yourself: “What would 10 year old me do?”

*10 year old me nearly always says, “let’s go into another world…”

 

Don’t worry about severity

Those who are taking life less seriously don’t worry about how seriously they’re taking life! They just live. They don’t compare themselves to others or worry about meeting expectations or norms.

They just live.

So go do that (yeah you, Siana)…

 

What really matters

When you’re dying, you won’t be thinking about all the things that you probably take so seriously on a regular basis. What he said to you, how she treated you, how silly you looked that day – none of it matters! We all have a knack for making things matter that just don’t hold any value in the grand scheme of things.

 

This is what really matters in life:

How you made people feel (Maya Angelou said that)
How much you see, feel, taste, and hear
The amazing souls you experienced
If you dared to make your dreams a reality
Who you loved and how much you let yourself be loved
How much you loved yourself
How much you laughed, and cried, and fell silent in awe of things
What you created and how much you shared your soul

 

Perspective is a beautiful thing. Get some, and go take life less seriously. It will probably help you live to the fullest…

Belonging & Community in Adulthood

*Part of the Identity Series*

I believe that a lot of our personal struggles in adulthood come from our sense of Identity and Belonging. Why? Because we question who we are and what we’re meant to do. These questions tie directly to our sense of Identity, but they also tie into the concept of Belonging…

Belonging means, “an affinity for a place or situation.” It is to “be a member of” something. But perhaps my favourite, especially for this post, is this definition: “to have the right personal or social qualities to be a member of a particular group.”

 

For me, belonging somewhere or with certain people grants us two things: Community and Unity. We need these things in life because we are all social beings. Some of us may be naturally more inclined towards solitude (introversion) but we all need people.

Or rather, we all need to feel a sense of community, unity, and belonging.

For if you feel these things, then you feel as though you’re safe. As if you have a home. A kinship that warms and supports you. Those without a place or sense of belonging will suffer in a number of ways…

 

The Lack of Belonging

Firstly, those without a place or social circle to which they feel a sense of belonging will feel lonely. Not alone, but lonely. I believe that we can feel lonelier with the wrong people (or in the wrong place) than we can when simply being alone.

For example, I’m an introvert so being alone is natural and comfortable for me. But I’ve felt very lonely surrounded by people that I have nothing in common with.

This means that those of us who don’t feel like we have a place or group of belonging can feel lonely. And loneliness is stressful, upsetting, unsettling, and makes us question ourselves.

 

The next problem is with the unity part that comes with belonging. If you don’t have a unit, a tribe, or a family, then you can feel vulnerable. You can be weak.

As the famous line goes in Game of Thrones, “The lone wolf dies but the pack survives.”

This is because of Survival. Since the beginning of time, we have known that we are safer with other people than we are alone. There is strength in unity. Wars are “won” in unity.

If you don’t have others that you can rely on to protect and support you, then you are vulnerable to the dangers of this world (though the dangers will be much more subtle than the sabertooth tigers of the past!)

 

The last thing that a lack of Belonging can do, which is perhaps the worst of all, is call us to question who we are. Our sense of personal identity can suffer if we don’t feel as though we belong anywhere with anyone.

You could call it validation but I think it’s more than that. When we have a community that we belong to, we feel more comfortable with who we are because other people love us, support us, and enjoy us as we are in that community. It sort of solidifies who we are and says, “you are a valued, worthy person to us.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think a lack of belonging or community means there’s something not valued or unworthy about you. But think about it this way…

The LGBTQ+ community is now stronger and happier as a community than they were as individuals. When they didn’t have a sense of belonging and community with those who share their experiences, they questioned their identity and felt outside of society.

The same goes for less important things like geeky people, for example! Geeks have now unified and in that unity, they have a community that makes them feel good, normal, and comfortable like never before.

It’s not validation that you get from finding your community. It’s…acceptance, openness, and finally being seen; really seen. It’s kinship and beauty and finally being comfortable in your own identity.

 

Childhood

This essay is about belonging and community in adulthood, especially, because I think it is harder for adults to find a sense of belonging than it is for children.

School and university days were easier for finding a group and a sense of belonging. Perhaps it’s because we weren’t fully-formed individuals as yet. But I think it’s more the fact that a mix of people are thrown together day by day in the same space. So, naturally, you’re bound to find at least a few people who you identify with.

Schools have cliques and activities; universities have thousands of people from all over the world and hundreds of groups, courses, and societies to join. This means you are spoilt for choice as to who you can find and where you can find your sense of belonging.

But out of these group settings, it’s much harder. Adulthood makes feeling a strong sense of personal belonging much more difficult to obtain.

The reason for this is because in adulthood, we usually move on to a job and that takes up the majority of our time. Unless we have hobbies, adult classes, or clubs that we join alongside our jobs, we can find it hard to even make new friends, never mind likeminded ones who give us a sense of belonging.

The problem is, we’re around fewer people. The likelihood of finding people to form a community with is less. Even if we find good friends, we all lead busy lives and it can be hard to have the kind of connection we may have had when we were younger and time seemed abundant.

This is why, I believe, many adults don’t feel a sense of belonging or community. We have our families, but they don’t necessarily give us all we need to feel like we’re a part of a personal circle that feels good for us.

 

Personal Perspective

I felt like there was something wrong with me for a long time because I didn’t enjoy being around people all the time or going out to do things. Yes, I have Social Anxiety, but I also didn’t want to do the things that seemed so normal and fun for everyone else.

My core belief and deepest fear for a long time was that I was boring – my therapist helped me realise this was perhaps a root cause for my Social Anxiety. And I’d been called boring my friends and family before just for not wanting to do what they wanted to do.

I felt out of place and did not feel as though I belonged.

But then I learned what Introversion was and I finally understood myself better. I was able to accept myself and love myself and realise that I wasn’t boring or wrong, I was just surrounded by extroverts in a rather extroverted world as a natural introvert.

My sense of belonging wasn’t there in my formative years and that hurt. I think the scars from that are still present to this day. My closest relationships these days are still with extroverts, and so yes, I still feel a lack of belonging at times.

But when I do speak to my introverted kin, I feel amazing! I feel like myself. I feel a sense of unity, community, and belonging. I feel accepted, understood, and welcomed just as I am.

That is the importance of belonging because everyone deserves that feel that way – more often than not.

 

Conclusion

I think it’s normal for adults to feel a lack of personal belonging. Unity and community are harder to obtain and maintain in adulthood. But it is not impossible, and it is important for all of us to strive to find it.

We need to feel as though we belong at least somewhere and at least with some people in order to feel a sense of wellbeing and happiness. Belonging and community have many benefits to us and finding them could be just what you have been missing.

I think it’s important to mix with a wide variety of people – learning and growth will be found with them. However, for a feeling of belonging and community, you need to find and connect with people like you. This will grant you such special things and finally have you feeling like you are perfect as you are.

Find people who look like you.

People who value what you do.

People who enjoy the same things as you.

People who want similar things from life as you do.

And especially in adulthood, who you choose as your Life Partner really matters. I believe that it is important for us all to feel a sense of belonging and community, if only a little, in our own homes. So, make sure that they share your values or vision for the future, at the very least.

How to find a sense of Belonging in Adulthood:

Learn who you are; get to know yourself. Only in understanding and loving yourself can you then find others like you.
Join groups and clubs in your areas of interest.
Dare to make friends in adulthood
Be open to ideas, perspectives, and people.
Be true to who you are and you will attract the right people to you.
Make time for finding your tribe.
Do things; get out into the world. Only by being out there can you hope to find your place of belonging.

 

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Why We Need Sadness

Most of us don’t like feeling sad. It’s one of the emotions that are branded as “negative” and so we avoid feeling it. In fact, we avoid it so much that we deny it. We pretend we’re fine when we’re not. We’d sooner lie about it than tell anyone the truth of how we feel. For some reason, our society doesn’t give enough credit to sadness.

This I find odd and fascinating. Yes, sadness doesn’t feel good, but does that mean it’s unimportant? Does that mean it should be hidden? Happiness and sadness are seen as opposites, but they’re both perhaps the most common emotions that we will all feel constantly throughout our lives. So, what does sadness do for us?

Let’s discuss…

 

Loneliness & Connection

Some of us are busy living, so much so we forget about the people in our lives. We’re doing this thing or that thing, and time passes without spending time with those we care about.

However, we do eventually notice this when we start to feel off. When we get sad because we realise that we’re feeling lonely. This is an important thing for us to feel. Without it, how would we be alerted to our relationships and how they’ve been slipping?

This is how sadness serves us. It is an indicator that something is wrong. It forces us to lift our heads and realise that we don’t have people around us. And then, most of us will rectify this. We will reach out to friends and loved ones and reconnect. It’s a human thing to seek connection, and so sadness helps to keep us tied to this natural need.

 

Alerts

As I briefly mentioned, feeling sad helps us to realise that something may be wrong. That something needs our attention, either externally or internally. Feeling sad about something helps us to realise what matters to us.

Becoming sad when you didn’t get the job you wanted shows how much you really wanted it. That you really cared about it. And so, you will try again. Or, if you don’t feel sad, you realise that maybe you didn’t want it like you thought you did.

Feeling sad when we fight with loved ones shows us that we value them in our lives, and it helps us to remember that savouring the relationship is more important than winning an argument.

If you’re sad every day at your job, that is also an indicator that something is wrong and you need to fix it or find a new place to work.

Without feeling sad, we may miss things in our lives. We may prioritise the wrong things. We may make the wrong decisions. We may misunderstand our core values or needs.

 

Introspection

I think many of us can agree that we are more likely to introspect when in low moods. When something feels off. This is because, naturally, we go looking for answers as to why we’re feeling this way.

This is how sadness is serving us. When we feel sad, we look within to seek answers. I believe that our inner selves hold all the answers, but not enough of us think to look within. Not in the Western world, anyway. And so, sadness comes along and somewhat forces us to do so. This can then bring on epiphanies and truths that just may change the path of our lives.

Introspection is also a key part of being a creative person, especially a writer, I’d say. Art nearly always includes a part of the creator. We put ourselves into our work; we convey the stories and messages of our own heart. And so, without introspection, we may not tap into this key part of the artistic process. Therefore, sadness perhaps helps the artist along their road.

*I’m not saying artists need to be sad to make good art. I hate that this seems to be a belief for some people! Read my post about false creative beliefs for more info.*

 

Empathy

I think sadness is a powerful connector. Not because when we’re sad we all band together (it’s usually the opposite). But I have experienced unparalleled connections with people who can relate to my sadness; who can relate to my personal pain. This is empathy: Emotional understanding of another’s experiences or feelings.

Yes, we can feel happy and connect with other people’s happiness, but I think that it is stronger and more beautiful when you can connect to and understand someone’s sadness. Because sadness can be isolating. It can make you feel alone and like something is wrong with you.

So, when someone comes along and empathises with you, that feels like a breath of fresh air; it feels like hope. And there is no greater connector.

 

Pause

Being sad can slow us down. When we are happy, we are often energetic and busy and content to just go, go, go. As a contrast, I think sadness comes along to slow us down. To make us stop and think and take inventory of our lives.

Sadness forces us to look around and see our lives through a different lens; from a different perspective. When in autopilot, or in a honeymoon-like period in our lives, we can become narrow-sighted. We can miss things that aren’t quite right.

Sadness comes along to then say, “Hey, did you notice that you haven’t looked after yourself properly in a while?” or “Did you notice that your partner hasn’t said a nice thing to you for a long time?”

Similar to my other points, sadness makes us pause, pick up on what’s going on around us, look within, and then make changes. If Happiness is a motivator to go, go, go, then Sadness is a motivator to pause, breathe, and make a change.

Which I think we can all agree is important and needed at key times in our lives. We can’t always be on the move and be blind to the truth.

 

There you have it, some reasons why Sadness is important in our lives; how it serves us for good reasons. So, don’t hide from it. Don’t try to fix it. Don’t force happiness. Let sadness do what it came to you to do. It is a very important emotion that means you no harm.

If I missed anything, please add your thoughts in the comments below!

 

I always think about Inside Out, the Pixar film, when I talk about emotions and what they do for us. I think that for many of us, just like in the film, we want Joy (happiness) to take the wheel. We want all happy emotions and experiences and memories.

But as the film suggests, that’s not real life. Especially as we get older, we will experience more of a mixture of emotions. And none of them are bad or good. None of them seeks to hurt us.

Each emotion has a role to play in making us well-rounded.

They all help balance us and help with things like: decision making, connection, motivation, attention, personality, growth, change, and more.

So, let all the emotions do their jobs at the appropriate times.