S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 22

Choosing not to participate

It’s the time of year for goals and achievements and changing your life. Everyone is motivated because of the new year, therefore you’re surrounded by people setting and smashing goals.

What do you do?

You feel jealous. You feel anxious.

What am I doing compared? Oh god, they have achieved X already, what have I done? Maybe I should do the same thing?

No.

Last week my sister in law asked me if I wanted to join her and my brother in a 10k race. This was an innocent enough invitation. She didn’t make me feel guilted into doing it at all. But I did consider: would I feel shoddy for not doing this cool thing with them? Would I feel less-than compared?

Luckily, I’m in a good headspace right now and I quickly thought, no actually. That’s not right.

I know what I want for this year. I know what my focus is. Running a 10k race doesn’t fit into that. And when I consider my achievements and what would count as a challenge for me, 10k is too much. I’ve never even ran 5k! So for me, if I wanted a challenge and a running goal of some sort, then running 5k (competitively or on my own in my area) makes more sense.

I know what you’re thinking: why not challenge yourself and have fun even if it’s not a personal goal for you? Well, my question just comes back to why? Why do it if it’s not something that’s a focus for me?

Getting better at yoga is what I want. Some sort of routine for raising my heart rate is a focus. But running specifically is not and running for so long definitely isn’t!

I mean this comes down to FOMO, the fear of missing out. Being worried that their goals and achievements will become your regrets. You wish you’d done it, just to say you did it and you were there for it. But if it’s not something that excites you or is important to you, then your time, energy, and even money are better utilised elsewhere towards your own intuitive goals and achievements.

Say yes to the things that resonate and are important for you, not because you’re scared of missing out.

Yes, sometimes you might think “this is not for me” but it could be the best thing you’ve ever done. I agree. I guess it’s about knowing yourself better. Knowing what you want, who you are, and what an appropriate challenge or new experience is for you.

How do you say no? Simply say something like, “That’s not for me right now, but good luck with it!”

In summary, say yes but ask yourself why you’re saying yes. If it’s just because you’re scared to miss out or are jealous of the achievements of others, that’s not a healthy reason to do something. Know yourself and choose the goals and challenges that are important to you.

Don’t let yourself be pressured (externally or internally) into doing something that isn’t for you.

Sincerely,

S. xx

Winter Road – Short Story

A distant moon, behind ominous clouds, painted the night; snow falling in thick clumps upon the houses in Birmingham. Kate knew this would happen. She whisked around her small apartment, hopping over the clutter on the carpet to switch off her electrics. But she always forgot something, perhaps this was why there was a familiar tightness in her chest as she reached her dimly lit living room.

A car horn sounded from outside and she reluctantly left the house, finding a woman leaning against a black Peugeot 206 white with snow. The woman was kissed by heaven’s flakes, an arm wrapped around herself, a cigarette at her lips. Kate’s eyebrows knitted together; the ghostly figure stood before her looked like a stranger.

‘I didn’t know you smoked,’ Kate said, doing a little dance on the spot to warm herself.

‘There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Sis,’ the woman replied, dropping her cigarette to the white ground and crushing its ashen tip with her boot. ‘Let’s get a move on.’

Kate looked down the quiet, blackened street before crossing to the passenger side of the car. With a slam of the door, her sister plonked down beside her, the smell of wet smoke lingering on her person. Kate rolled down the window, before a glare from her sister forced her to shut it again.

                ‘Cold out, isn’t it?’ Kate asked, strapping herself into her seat then holding her hands in front of the heating vents.

                ‘Well yeah, it’s winter, ennit?’

                The car’s air freshener smelled fruity. It reminded Kate of the lost summer as they set off along the icy road. Outside the window was peaceful, Christmas lights and headlights adorning the darkness. There was a stiff silence between the sisters for a while; Kate regretted not bringing her 90s Hits CD. Her sister reached across her into the glove compartment, taking out a packet of mints. She held it Kate’s way after popping one into her mouth.

                Kate grinned, ‘Saying my breath smells, Olivia?’

                ‘It’s just a mint, not a dig at you.’

                Kate took one, bypassing the urge to explain that it was just a joke. The mint was too strong, though. It called attention to the air around her, clearing a pathway.

                ‘So… I’m surprised you came.’

                Olivia frowned.

                ‘I just mean, I assumed you’d spend Christmas Day with Harry and the kids.’

                The space between them solidified with the heavy pause that followed. Kate wanted to break the silence, fix what she said, except she didn’t know what her mistake had been.

                ‘Well, assumptions get you nowhere.’

                Kate sat in Olivia’s words, feeling taken aback.   

She sighed, changing tact, ‘So you left the kids with him for the day? Don’t blame you!’

She laughed but her sister didn’t join her.

                ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Olivia rounded on Kate fast, her black eyes reflecting the rear lights of the cars in front. Kate couldn’t meet the hard gaze directly; it was too difficult.

                ‘Nothing, Liv. Can we not fight, please? I was just asking a question.’

                ‘You love to ask silly questions, though, don’t you? I’m not asking why you’ve got nothing better to do on Christmas Day, am I?’ Olivia scoffed, ‘Silly me, but I thought maybe we’d just appreciate being together – after all, it has been, what, four years?’

                Five, Kate thought, blushing. Her sister’s words took up a large space in the small, black car. They meant so much and yet so little, from her. The car turned down familiar roads. Kate had ridden her bike here with her sister as a child, through the neighbourhoods their parents had said were forbidden. But they broke the rules, back then, and always together.

                ‘I’m sorry, you’re right. It will be nice to see mum and dad.’

                Olivia didn’t reply. If the car had been colder, Kate was sure she would have seen steam billowing from her sister’s flared nostrils.

                ‘How are Harry and Liam and… Ben, anyway?’

                Her sister rolled her eyes, firmly gripping the steering wheel, ‘Fine.’

                ‘Anything new?’

                A torrent of words shot from Olivia’s mouth like flames, ‘Is this an interview for one of your little books? Gonna base a character on my life? Stubborn, uptight housewife? Or you employed as a journalist now?’ She peeled back her lips in a snarl, breathless and shaking.

                Flustered, Kate choked on her protests, unable to armour herself against her sister. She shook her head, glaring out at the passing cars on the endless black road. She wanted to open the window again, let the air clear, but didn’t.

‘How is the book writing going? You a best-selling novelist yet?’ Olivia asked fast, grimacing and staring dead ahead.

Kate stiffened. Olivia knew the answer to that. Everyone did.

Kate spoke into her hands, ‘You act like I’m trying to hurt you. I’m trying to be nice, to take an interest in your life. Is that so bad?’ She looked up, ‘Why are you attacking me? What did I do-’

Suddenly, they skidded. The car spun quickly, flew down a side road, and took on a kerb. The sisters’ hearts raced together, loud in the silent car. Eyebrows furrowed, Olivia bolted out, slamming her door behind her and swatting at thick grey smoke making its way towards the stars. Kate sat there, shaking.

Suddenly, Olivia slapped her hand on the bonnet and beckoned Kate out. ‘Do I look like a mechanic?’ she asked, lifting the bonnet to reveal a steaming engine with parts and stickers that she didn’t understand.

‘I dunno what to do, either,’ Kate mumbled, getting out of the car and biting her fingernails, looking down the shadowy street with a tight chest. ‘Call dad or Harry and ask what to do?’

‘I’m not calling Harry,’ Olivia snapped, ‘I guess we’re not too far from the house, maybe dad could just come down.’

‘Good idea…call him.’

Olivia eyes reduced to slits; Kate held up her hands in surrender. Taking her phone from her coat pocket, Olivia dialled their father’s number.

‘We’ve broken down or something; the car’s taken up smoking and decided to detour up a kerb… yeah…where are we?’ Olivia asked Kate; when Kate shrugged, she rolled her eyes and walked along the road, looking for a sign.

When she got back, she told Kate that their dad was on his way. They leaned against the broken car, the snow blessing the sisters with angelic flakes. One tall and thin; one short and plump. Shoes hung from a barren tree on a pathway strewn with dead leaves; Kate studied it as a door shut behind them. When they turned around, they saw an old man hobbling towards them with steaming mugs in his hands.

‘You ladies look like you could do with something hot,’ he said, thrusting the mugs their way.

Pleasantly surprised, they took them, looking down at the floating balls of marshmallow in the milky hot chocolate. Its sweet aroma warmed the frozen air.

‘You called someone to help?’ he asked as he gave each of them a freshly-baked cookie.

‘Yes, thank you, our father is on his way,’ Olivia said with a foreign smile.

The old man nodded before turning back towards his house behind them, ‘Well, Happy Christmas to you. Leave the cups on the doorstep before you head off.’

‘Thank you!’ they sang together.

Kate looked down at her cookie. It was the shape of a Christmas tree. Misshapen and poorly decorated, as if made by a child, but endearing. Even before she took a bite, she felt warm. Looking over at her sister, Kate realised she was crying as she stared at her own cookie.

‘Let’s sit in the car with the heating on,’ Olivia suggested, not looking Kate’s way as she opened the door.

‘Should we really put the heating on?’ Kate asked, biting the star off her tree as she sat down.

‘My bad!’ Olivia barked.

‘Two seconds back in the car and we’re already fighting?’

Olivia blew on her hot chocolate, pushing the marshmallows aside.

‘If you’ve got something to say, just say it,’ Kate snapped, ‘I’m tired of trying with you.’

‘Trying with me?’

‘Yes! You’re the one who left us. You can’t blame me for how things turned out.’

A snort and a humourless laugh fell from Olivia’s mouth.

‘I made a family, a life. That’s what grown-ups are supposed to do, Kate. But you wouldn’t know, with your head in the clouds, borrowing money off people so you can chase a dead dream–’

‘You can’t judge me for having ambition,’ Kate’s hand waved this way and that, ‘You married and had kids and that’s it. I wanted more for myself, is that so wrong?’

Olivia scoffed, ‘At least I was satisfied with something! But you, you just yearn and chase and panic and quit…finding yourself back at square one and then questioning how you got there! You’re twenty-eight and broke. Just like when you were twenty-two and twenty-four and twenty-six and broke. What’s changed?’

‘What about you? Stuck in the same place as every year before, just like me–’

‘Actually, this year, Sis, I’m divorced and lonely! How’s that for a big life change?’

The snow fell around the car, failing to reach them. It was slower now, more deliberate. Olivia was panting heavily whilst Kate softened and looked heavenward, her eyes glazing over.

Coughing hard, Olivia said, ‘Yeah…not exactly something you run home to tell everyone about.’

‘When? Wh-why?’

Olivia clicked her tongue and shook her head; it was as if she was trying to find answers that were far away, out of reach. Kate placed a cautious hand on her sister’s arm as Olivia finished the last of her hot chocolate. The heat in the car still moved between them; it smelled of fumes rather than anything else now. The lights from the decorated houses illuminated the snow falling and melting away on the bonnet. Absentmindedly, perhaps, Olivia gripped the steering wheel and stared ahead.

‘We grew apart, I guess. It’s as you all say: we were too young when we married.’

Kate let out a deep, satisfying breath before daring to smooth a hair out of her sister’s face.

‘I don’t want to talk about him, though…’ Olivia purred, letting go of the steering wheel and allowing her hands to fall on her lap. ‘It’s just, well… who am I supposed to be now?’

‘That’s how I’ve felt all my life. Never… certain, I guess. But for what it’s worth, you were not you because of him.’

All Olivia could manage was another mirthless laugh.

‘I just meant… you are still who you were before Harry. You are still you with or without him. You once wanted to be a teacher, right? Why not do that?’

Olivia sighed, thumbing her empty cup. ‘I’m old now. It’s too hard to start again when you have kids.’

‘But what else is there?’ Kate asked, shrugging, ‘You build again, with better foundations, otherwise…you collapse.’

Olivia took a breath; she decided to open her window.

‘Or…you crash…’ she said, peering at the lopsided car.

Kate giggled and Olivia did too.

‘I think I’ll go back to school…might as well!’ Olivia said; she suddenly smiled softly to herself. ‘You know, when you were a little girl, you used to run up to every dog you saw to stroke it. I can’t believe you never lost a finger!’

Kate blushed, remembering that distant part of herself. ‘Yeah, pretty silly of me.’

‘Some may say that’s a little naïve and reckless, yeah. But you know, I think it was brave. You’ve always been someone who just wanted something and went to get it despite the dangers. I’ve always admired that.’

Kate’s cup slipped a little in her hands as she stared, unblinking.

‘You’re a good writer, Katy.’

                Hearing those words from her sister was more comforting than the drinks from the old man, the heater, and the cookies. Without thinking, Kate reached across and hugged her sister tightly. And Olivia hugged her back.

                Their dad’s familiar car horn – a funky tune from the 80’s – sounded as he pulled up in front of them. He was encased in a puffer coat, which he wore year-round, smiling as he got out to greet them. The sisters slipped out of the car.

                ‘I was expecting the worst, but this is nothing!’ shouted their dad, slapping the hood of the Peugeot. ‘Little oil, get you off the kerb, and we’ll be on our way.’

                ‘Thanks, dad,’ Olivia said, taking Kate’s cup from her, ‘I’ll put these back.’

                With a little skip to her step, Olivia took the cups to the old man’s house and jogged back. Kate held her phone as a flashlight over the engine while their father filled the oil tank. Then, Olivia steered the car back onto the road.

                 ‘Decent trip despite the hiccup?’ asked their father, getting his keys out of his pocket.

                Olivia and Kate exchanged a knowing smile.

‘Yeah,’ said Olivia, ‘it’s been really nice.’

Kate nodded, slipping in beside her sister, noticing that the snow had stopped, leaving a settled blanket of white for the next stretch of their journey.

Growing is Succeeding (podcast)

The Mindset Managed podcast is coming to an end so I’m discussing success, growth, change, and writing in today’s episode. Join me one last time!

Click to play!

Thanks for being a listener, I truly appreciate your time xx

Born Again (poem)

Limp leaves slip slowly

While I reach out to catch

A moment of clarity:

I have not composed a poem

In many months.

Pregnant is my pen

Ready to birth a new era

Of limitless creation.

I will not sever my hands

From my wrists, again

I will write.

I will write.

I will write.

Damned if I do

Damned if I do not

So I shall

Oh watch as I shall!

The Power of Asking Why

This isn’t a new concept for me or for you. I’m sure I’ve spoken about this on my blog or podcast before, but perhaps not in this depth. Why is a great question, right? I means it’s annoying when kids go “why? Why? Why?” to everything you say, but it’s actually a brilliant way of getting to the core of something.

Today, let’s discuss the power of asking why.

Creative work

Why does my character want to go on this quest? Why do they need this journey? Why do they live alone? Why do they fear that thing? Why do I want to write this story? Why does it matter?

YouTuber and indie author Abbie Emmons always says this, “why does your story matter?” Not matter to the world but matter to you. It’s not about plot and excitement; it’s about characters going on a journey within themselves and transforming. They learn something that matters to you. A truth is revealed, big or small.

But if you never ask yourself why when writing or plotting your story, you may not get to the essence of it. You may not know what you’re really writing about and really want to communicate with your audience.

Your story’s why might be what makes it successful. What makes it memorable.

Emotions and inner self

Why do you keep eating even when you’re full? Why do you get triggered by people commenting on your work? Why do you cry at stories about father figures? Why do you exercise so much? Why do you keep ruining your relationships?

You don’t need a therapist for these things (although it can help). Instead just asking yourself why, and being honest and fair and kind to yourself, can bring about some eye opening and potentially life changing answers.

And go deep. Don’t just ask why once; be that annoying kid who keeps asking and going deeper. Why? Why’s that? Why really?

Why are you offended? Why are you upset? Why does it matter to you?

This is powerful stuff and will help all of us. There won’t be some grand epiphany that changes everything and makes you a perfect human being (trust me, I’ve searched for it and wanted it so badly but it’s just not possible!). Instead it will help you to know yourself better and perhaps make healthier decisions from a place of self-knowledge and understanding. It will improve your relationships and your relationship with yourself.

Understanding of your beliefs Your desiresYour fears Your emotions and emotional triggers Your pastYour choices Your inner voice/ inner critic Your traumaYour habits and behaviours Your failures and shortcomings

Goals and aspirations

Why do you want to travel the world? Why do you want to be a published writer? Why do you want to run a marathon? Why do you want to be rich? Why really?

It’s very easy to set goals especially in this modern day of self improvement youtubers and Instagram influencers. You want the six pack, the endless picturesque travel, the gorgeous home, the car, the financial freedom to pursue it all. Simple.

But why?!

If you don’t know why you want something, it’s just surface level. It’s harder to pursue and acquire. You may even get the thing but not be fulfilled because you didn’t even know why you wanted it anyway. This is about asking why something matters to you. Why you should bother putting time and energy into it.

Knowing why help you to keep going when it’s hard. It keeps you motivated and showing up for yourself.

Exploration and understanding of all things

Why do you enjoy what you enjoy? Why do you laugh at that thing? Why do you wear those clothes? Why do humans love? Why do people in Japan do X? Why do people in Mongolia do Y?

If nothing else, it brings clarity and understanding into your life. Your personal experience of the world but also the workings of the wider world. You will never fully understand everything but this brings you closer to the things that matter to you.

Taking time to ask why, so much so it becomes a habit, helps you to be clear about what you’re doing, thinking, feeling and witnessing in the world throughout your life. It opens your eyes and your heart. It creates a sort of map where you can better plot and plan and avoid murky waters because you’re aware of them, unlike before.

Sincerely,

S. xx

A Thousand Sundays Like This – poem

Today the sun defied the rules of winter

Bursting through the clouds in disobedience

‘Let me shine,’ she sang

‘I have done my waiting!’

How fierce she is as she first strikes

And you realise how much you missed

Something in just a single moment.

The rays penetrate my windows,

A gentle hand warm against my cheek

Do I know you? Have we met before?

She’s so kind and delicate with me,

She knows I’m wary – I’ve been hurt before

It’s been a long time since I was touched

Like this.

Spring sun sprinkles her sonorous glow

Neat and tidy, yet chaotic and bustling

She is mighty. Mighty.

And perhaps she’s only sweet with me?

I know she can’t stay long

But will she promise me one more song?

What I Seek

I don’t need beaches and scorching heat. I don’t need endless cocktails served to me in the pool. Bikini pics with a backdrop of palm trees and endless oceans are nice, but maybe I should think twice before thinking it’s for me.

Instead, I want mountains and vast landscapes of untouched nature. I want hot springs that seem implausible, found out in the middle of nowhere. I want to climb, panting and breathless, until I reach a summit and see…everything I never thought it possible to see, as a girl from Chelmsley Wood.

I guess I just want to be reminded, again and again, as many times as is needed, that I’m not trapped. That the world is bigger than I know. That the tongue I speak in is but one in thousands. There are thousands of ways to say I love you, and I want to say it to the precious animals we take for granted, the loved ones we forget are important to us, and mother earth herself in all her grant glory.

My life’s vision, mission, true north, if you will, is to feel at peace. This means an ease of movement in mind and body. A confidence and self-assurance that means little hesitancy and anxiety about what I am doing and who I am. I believe that means I need to seek a deeper interaction with the world around me. Not Instagram-worthy destinations just for the short-lived story, but adventures and experiences and sights that remind me of what it means to be alive. Things that make me stand up and gasp. Things that make me quick to write with inspiration that runs deep into my soul. I want to live. I want to know I’m living by being utterly enraptured by a moment.

When I write lists of achievements and exciting moments, they’re not the picture perfect ones, truly. But the moments of growth and deep beauty and awe. I want growth and beauty and awe in full. As much as I can capture.

What do you seek?

Sincerely,

S. xx

Knowing Who You Are & Where You Stand (podcast)

Today I am talking about where you draw the line in the sand (aka what you stand for and where your boundaries are). Why? Because it’s an important part of being a confident person who knows who you are!

Click to play!

xx

Extremes and Consistency

Hi all, I hope you’re enjoying your start to 2022. For myself, it’s been a mixture of tiring, challenging, and enjoyable! That’s life; a mixture, a balance, a melting pot of all things interwoven together to be experienced.

And this introduces the concept of today’s post. Extremes and consistency. I was speaking to my partner about how nothing is objectively bad or good. We give meaning to things; the things themselves don’t necessarily do much. But what we do need to pay attention to is the extremes of the things we are doing or not doing.

Working out when done too much can become an obsession where you’re never satisfied, thus it’s unhealthy for you. You could do too much and injure yourself, too. But not working out at all is just as dangerous and unhealthy, physically and mentally.

The extremes are what causes the problem.

This is important to consider at this time of year. People are focused on changing their lives right now. Creating new habits, letting go of old ones, and trying to achieve more. That’s great but…

Be aware of the extremes. Don’t overcorrect so much that it’s unhealthy and unsustainable.

What I mean is don’t go from doing no exercise to going to the gym two times a day. Don’t go from eating snacks often to never snacking at all. It will mean you fail in your pursuits because it’s too extreme to maintain. I’m not saying this NEVER works. There are always exceptions. But for most of us, extremes don’t work long-term. Extremes aren’t natural. Extremes mean we burn out or do nothing (depending on the end of the scale you’re sitting on).

So, if you want lasting change in your lifestyle, habits, health, and happiness, then I would say you need to be realistic, compassionate, and just aware of the extremes you may be going to and how they aren’t easily maintained for your life in the long run.

Find a middle-ground. Find a balance. Find a method that suits who you are and what you really need.

Tips for consistency:

Minimise the expectations you put on yourself : I will clean for 15 mins instead of an hour; I will do a Yoga with Adriene video instead of going to a yoga class every day; I will write 500 words instead of 1,000 Be clear on why you’re even doing something : doing something just because or because someone else is doing it isn’t good enough motivation for when things get tough! Why are you doing this? What’s the point? Why is it important to you personally? When you have that, keep it written somewhere Get others to help you : be held accountable by having a partner who does things with you, or someone who supports you, or someone who just knows about it and that awareness motivates you to not disappoint Make it easy to do : remove distractions and obstacles, get the gear needed out ready, do it in the simplest form Make it enjoyable for you : give yourself a reward, make it silly and fun, do it in a way that’s very you (like dressing up while writing, listening to your fav music while working out, reading short silly books instead of classics or non-fic) Do it for you, not others : don’t let others dictate the how of your life or experiences, do what feels good and right for you Don’t go overboard and take intentional breaks : rest and restoration are important for maintaining habits, too

Good luck with your endevours!

Sincerely,

S. xx

A letter to my writing buddies

You’ll get there one day. I can’t tell you where “there” is but your version of it is coming, as long as you don’t give up, that is.

Everything you write might seem wrong right now. That’s okay. Or maybe you’re not really writing; it’s just notes here and there. A jumble of chaos. That’s okay, too. All writing counts. It’s all valid. The good, the bad and the disconnected.

And god the goal might be publishing or a huge fan base but why can’t it be a smaller thing, for now? A great chapter? A suspenseful scene? A striking sentence? A loveable character? Are these not great feats? I think so. I know so…

Yet we don’t allow them to be, why is that? Why must we writers be so riddled with self-doubt and fear? Comparison, uncertainty, self-depreciation, we got the lot. It’s a sad tale, one we could never write for ourselves!

But with a breath of fresh air and a step backwards, maybe we can see from a better vantage point. Maybe we can begin to appreciate our talent for what it is and regain the momentum that we need. Perhaps we can see through the lens of joy and excitement for writing, again.

What if you were to dedicate a year to writing for the sake of it?

To write whatever takes your fancy.

To write for practice.

To write a random character or scene just for fun.

To jump genres and plots and mediums without worry.

How liberating would that be?

Maybe you’re further along your writing journey than I am. Maybe you’re on deadline or have to make it this year, because it’s your last chance. But I know one thing for sure, forcing your creativity and putting pressure on yourself unnecessarily does not a happy writer make.

Creativity should be nurtured and kindled and shaken up and yes, there’s discipline in there too but first and foremost there needs to be compassion. A friendship with your creativity. A give and take. It’s sort of spiritual and beautiful and romantic. At least, it can be that for you, if that resonates.

I invite you to ask yourself what your writing really means to you. What is it’s real role in your life. What role do you want it to come to play in the future. When everything is taken away, does your writing stay? Do you still write when you’re tired and sad and busy? Do you write to please? Do you write to fit a market? Why do you write? Why really?

And lastly, love what you do otherwise why do it? Your writing my not always sound great, especially to others, but if it feels good to you then keep it. Keep going. Enjoy the process without fretting over an end destination. But the road is the journey and the outlook should be beautiful along the way. It’s not about the word count or the views or whatever else, unless you truly enjoy that. Instead allow yourself to appreciate the journey and the play that writing once was when we were younger.

Sincerely,

S. xx