S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 21

Tired of thinking

I don’t want to keep thinking about how to make my life better. How to live without regrets. How to do it all, have it all. I don’t want to keep stressing over who has what and who is living better than I am.

When does it all stop? When your 20s are over? Or when you’re finally happy? Never?

What if there is no way to have no regrets? Even if you move to Brazil, start your own business and have three beautiful kids, you may still regret not living in Japan for a time, being charitable, and marrying. You just don’t know.

But one thing I do know, the goals and aspirations keep on coming. In the west, we are so materialistic at times and goal-oriented that even if we get what we want, we end up wanting more. The marker moves. Always.

You will always think of something that you wish you’d done, if you think hard enough. So maybe we need to think less.

The future isn’t really a thing. When we get there, we are in the present. The present is now. Always now. And as cheesy and obvious as it is, we drive ourselves mad thinking about the future and how to make it the best we can. All you can do, I’m afraid, if you want less stress, is to just follow your gut/heart/intuition and take the next right step that you can.

It’s tiring. It really is. We can’t craft a great life by thinking about it. You either do or you don’t. Act or don’t act. Thinking about it forever won’t make it better, but worse, most likely.

This is all coming from a chronic overthinker. I don’t want to overthink anymore. So thousand times a year, I have to keep reminding myself that thinking about how things will pan out will not result in a better outcome. Yeah, thinking things through is important, but only to a point. When you find yourself obsessing, just frickin stop!

Go on the trip or don’t. Get married or don’t. Buy the house or don’t. Change career or don’t. Have a baby or don’t.

Most of the time, you get another chance at making things work for you in a different way. If you want to do something that you didn’t do before, then do it now…right? Yeah, it may be harder or maybe impossible, but find another route. Use that overthinking brain to get creative and make things work for you now. That’s how you have no regrets. By realising you can do things at any point. There is no real time limit, for the most part.

It’s okay. Breathe. Do or do not, there is no point in thinking yourself up a storm!

Sincerely,

S. xx

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Published on April 06, 2022 23:44

Journal entry: feeling creatively meh

I haven’t felt creative lately. I mean I’ve been writing for my uni work, sure, and it is flowing more or less when I sit with it but I don’t feel very engaged. Excited? Sure? I don’t feel the urge to write my novels. I don’t feel excited for uni to finish so I can get writing in my other worlds. I just don’t feel good about my writing lately. I don’t feel like my friend, who is dying inside because she is not yet published living out her author dreams.

I used to have author dreams. I used to drive myself mad because my ideas came so fast and exhilarating that I couldn’t keep up. I used to daydream interviews on tv about my craft and inspiration. I used to dream of my fans and get teary eyed. Where has that dream gone? That person? What if I never get like that again? What if my passion for writing it gone forever and I just write now out of habit and because I have some trusted notion that it’s who I am? Or worse that it will one day save my life and take all my struggles away?

I’m scared. I’m scared that all I am is a writer who can’t write; who can’t make it as a writer. And I’m scared that I’m not a writer at all anymore and therefore who the fuck am I now? What do I do? What am I if not this?

Maybe it’s the lack of connection to myself lately. The distracted yoga sessions. Never meditating anymore. Barely ever journaling. Mindless walks. Or forced walks. Gossip and negativity and upset from the people around me at work. The pressures and restrictions that comes from university guidelines and deadlines. Less connection to the things I brought into my life to help balance me out years before. Maybe I’ve been coasting more than I used to. Living on autopilot without realising it?

As sad as it is, and I always hate it when people believe this, but maybe it’s because I’ve generally been happy lately. They say that tortured artists are the great ones. The ones who stay up into the dead of night with an idea and a quill tip dripping with their blood.

I’m not depressed anymore. I don’t get as many low moods, since moving house like we have wanted to do for a year. No stress because I’ve pushed aside the wedding. Our relationship is good. I’m doing well at university. I don’t hate my job and I got another job offer that brought me some confidence. Spring is on its way, my favourite time of year. We have plans for our near future that feel exciting. Life is good, so maybe my art is not. It’s suffering because I’m living more outside of myself than inside of myself. Less introspection means less exploration and creativity?

I hate that. And I hope it’s not true. But maybe the reason I wrote so much before was because I was escaping my circumstances by retreating inwards. By writing, I am in control. The pen is my key to unlocking possibilities I just didn’t have in real life at the time. I felt trapped and limited in my reality, so I crafted a alternative. I gave my characters what I didn’t have: the power and magic to do and be whatever they desired. I begged and begged for that in my younger years. Maybe that’s the difference…

I hope when things clear away, with less stress, overthinking, random shiz, and when uni even steps aside that what is left is my excitement to write. Not even to write necessarily but just the ideas, the worlds, the magic, the themes, the scenes, the emotions. The things that boil over and spill out of me in troves. I want to be a vessel for it all, again. A hub of overcrowded noise where worlds collide and exchange possibilities. I want it back. I don’t want to lose this part of me. That part that feels like the electricity that brought Frankenstein’s monster to life.

I want to be brought to life

Sincerely,

S. xx

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Published on March 31, 2022 13:51

When We Miss the Obvious

The other day, I spoke at length with my brother over the phone. It was nice. And he pointed out how I kept saying “obviously” and I do catch myself doing this sometimes. I think it’s because of my low confidence? I think what I have to say is obvious, so I point out that it is, to prevent others from catching me out?

Anyway, I wanted to talk today about things that are obvious. The things we miss because we overcomplicate things and stress ourselves out so much that we miss what’s right in front of us.

I wanted to encourage you to take a step back from any current problems or difficulties or creative blocks that you’re facing. Maybe there’s an obvious answer that you can’t see because you’re obsessing over it and are just too close to it right now.

Thinking yourself into a corner

Sometimes we think about something so much that we back ourselves into a corner. This is not where you want to be. In the corner, facing the dull walls, you can’t see things clearly. You’re in a place of desperation which could mean you make mistakes. Acting out of desperation is dangerous.

Turn around, zoom out, step away, and see more.

Not taking action

Instead of thinking, you might need to take action. Oftentimes, we think we need to meditate over an idea for a while before acting on it. Or we use the excuse of readiness and research or finances as a reason not to act. Sometimes you just need to do the thing and land on your feet after a period of freefall. We’re often never “ready”.

What does “ready” even look like?

Remember, there’s nothing wrong with failure and making mistakes as you go. Most people don’t even try at things.

Speak to others

We often can’t see beyond our own point of view. We think our own ideas are the only perspectives that exist. Incorrect. There are many ways to think about things; many ways to live your life or succeed at your goals. Speaking to other people (trusted people or experts) will help you to see from a viewpoint that maybe you couldn’t before.

Caution! Don’t get trapped seeking advice from too many people, only confusing yourself more.

Take a step back

Another obvious option is to just take a break, yet this often feels impossible! You are allowed to take a step back and just allow yourself not to think about or do anything towards something for a period of time. This time gives your mind (and perhaps your body) a rest that is needed to gain a new perspective on the issue at hand.

Hopefully, you’ll come back to it feeling refreshed with new ideas and ways to solve the problem.

What you really want

Why doesn’t it seem obvious to just do what we want to do? Why does that seem like it’s not allowed or that it’s the more complicated choice? It’s mad! Instead, even if it’s a slightly harder option, if it’s something you want and something that brings you joy then why not choose that obvious thing?!

Be brave enough to choose yourself

Choose to do nothing

And lastly, an obvious answer that people tend to miss is to just do nothing. Choose not to choose. Choose not to think about it right now. Choose to do nothing. This one may depend on the problem or circumstance (in fact, they all depend on various factors at play) but this could help some people.

For my wedding, I was becoming very stressed and anxious so I’ve chosen to do nothing for now. Chosen not to plan or force it and hopefully when the time is right, and my head is right, the right answers will come through.

Some obvious things we don’t do enoughCall someone when we are missing themGet up and move when we feel low or sluggish or offWrite the story we want to writeAsk the questions we need answers to, even if we look sillyTry new things when we are in a slumpDo an activity if you’re always going from home to work and back againRead or research or ask questions when you’re not sure or equipped for somethingFitness levels bad? Work out!Hate your job? Get a new oneWant more responsibility/ roles at work? Seek them outNot getting good grades? Carve out more time for study, reflection and practiceAlways late and confused? Get organised with calendars, timers, planners, reminders, appsTalk to people and get to know themRelationship feeling off? Then talk about it! Want to do something? Do it!

If it’s obvious, that doesn’t mean it’s not right or good. The obvious thing can be freeing. The obvious thing can be life-changing. The obvious thing is misunderstood, but it’s obvious for a reason!

Sincerely,

S. xx

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Published on March 27, 2022 09:00

Call Your Mom (a poem)

Your mom’s first tears

Throws the world upside down

Time running in reverse

A metamorphosis of status

Who is this person?

So human and vulnerable

Do I offer a shoulder?

A tissue? Advice?

It doesn’t make sense.

Mom’s don’t do this.

Mom’s aren’t in need!

Experiment: get the microscope

See beneath the veil of thick skin

What do I find?

Brittle bones and wheezing lungs

Slowing heart and thin blood

Who did this to you, Mom?

Only the mirror knows the answer

But our mirrors are covered with makeup

And so?

And so, we carry on smiling

At our mother’s tears

And pretend that they’re a river

That we can frolic in

Pretending that her kisses

Are for a child who didn’t break her.

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Published on March 27, 2022 03:23

Defining a challenge = defining success

This year I’ve challenged myself in many ways. My focus for 2022 was to enjoy myself and trust myself again, but I did end up tagging on a little extra in that I wanted to challenge myself quarterly (at least). And I’ve done that well so far; in fact I’ve challenged myself quite a lot in the last 3 months.

But these “challenges” are only challenges for me.

Here’s a list of challenges I’ve completed or started this year so far:

My first curly hair cut and I got rid of quite a lotMurder Mystery night when I acted my ass off as a posh CEO!Golf driving range (very fun and therapeutic!) Read more difficult books / classics Painting by numbers Jogged 2.5kmStarted doing strength workouts A week of meat-less meals Uploaded a short story onlineUploading my middle grade story online weekly Interviewed for a new job and got it (but declined it)

Most of these things people would say are easy. The thing is, they’re not (or weren’t necessarily at the time) easy for me.

So what is a challenge? What makes something challenging?

A challenge is putting yourself out there. Being open and vulnerable in front of others where you can be judged or rejected or criticised or seen to fail.

A challenge is doing something new. Even if it’s something relatively simple or easy, if it’s new to you then that’s still challenging.

A challenge is doing something, or starting to do something, that you know is hard. It’s choosing to take the step even though you know it will be uncomfortable or difficult for you.

A challenge is being resilient or persevering through things you’re finding difficult because there is something better at the end. Choosing the vision and faith in the outcome over the temporary discomfort.

Starting these challenges is a success. It makes you braver than many who never challenge themselves. Completing these challenges is an even bigger success, because many don’t see things through to the end.

Success is not how it turned out. It’s not getting the job or taking the job, it’s interviewing for it and giving it your all. It’s not running your best race or winning it, it’s doing the damn thing.

Success like all things is is a spectrum. Not from failure on one side and success on the other. But a small success up to a massive success. From mini success to medium success to huge success!

Why not?! Who said there has to be some other way? Why not this way? Why not your own way that suits you and feels good for your needs?

So today I encourage you to define what is challenging for you and what success would look like this year. Get a list together and slowly tick things off for having tried it, no matter how it went.

I feel immense this year so far because I can look at these challenges and know I’m growing in little ways and enjoying myself on the journey. You deserve that, too.

Sincerely,

S. xx

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Published on March 20, 2022 11:22

I choose to see it all

I choose to see myself as I am and could be, not through my fears and insecurities.

I choose to see the best in others, and reserve judgement for I can’t know what hides behind closed doors.

I choose to see the playfulness and lightness of life, even when the day feels long and tiring.

I choose to be open to change and opportunities, even when they terrify me.

I choose to look forwards and not hurt my neck by looking back.

I choose to laugh for the sake of it, all teeth and throat and belly.

I choose to smile and say hello to strangers, even if they don’t say it back.

I choose to determine myself and my accomplishments by my own self-made success criteria, not compare myself to others or condemn myself based on society’s beliefs.

I choose to set myself free by freeing my mind from limitations, fixed ideas, old beliefs, or other – again and again, as many times as needed.

I choose to wear the special occasion outfit on a normal day, feeling unapologetically good.

I choose to believe in myself, trust myself and do the things that bring my joy and excitement even if they’re hard.

I choose to be brave and tackle the things that I’m afraid of so they no longer have power over me.

I choose to look at my loved ones with fresh, fair eyes each day.

I choose compassion and understanding and kindness, even when kindness is the hardest thing to give.

I choose to believe that the world and the people in it can get better, if even by a small margin.

I choose to believe in myself and my ability to make the right choices, for the right reasons.

I choose to see it all through a new lens this year, switching out my old clouded glasses for new funky frames that allow me to see more clearly.

Sincerely,

S. xx

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Published on March 13, 2022 09:52

Feeling Good and Allowing It

Today I am writing to you feeling amazing! If you’re not in the best place yourself, you may want to skip this post. Though I always aim to be motivational and considerate, I also know quite a few people in my life who are not in a good place right now and I know that to hear of someone else’s great place can make you feel less-than compared.

I get it. We’re human.

I’m not here to brag or succumb to toxic positivity by sharing good things from my life. I hope anyone who knows me and my writing knows that I share the good, the bad, and the ugly alike. But today, I feel good. And I think I am allowed to feel good.

As Brene Brown says, Don’t give in to foreboding joy by telling yourself that feeling good means something awful is around the corner. It’s not. It’s really not.

We are allowed to feel joy and enjoy the joy.

So why do I feel so good?

High activity levels

This week I’ve been back to work, which means being out and about. Although it was tiring after the half-term break, I’ve enjoyed the increase in my activity. This weekend, I saw my brother and we walked around the city centre for two hours! By the end of Saturday, I’d achieved over 22,000 steps.

This Sunday, I completed my first jog in… Gods know how long. I was scared, thinking I would surely fail. However, I jogged further than I thought and was able to maintain my pace and not stop to walk once! So that’s a 2.57km jog in 16.5 mins in the books! The first of the one a week that I want to keep up.

Sunday morning jogs in the Spring and Summer sunshine sounds like a dream…

Sunshine

As I say, the sun is coming back. Slowly but surely! There’s something so calming and inspiring about the sunshine, for me. It makes me want to do things. To go out and see people and run and play. It fills me with hope for the future.

Good company

With the sunshine, I’ve reached out more. One of my focuses for this year is to see my siblings more often. Seeing my brother on Saturday was needed. We used to be so close, but time and adulthood pushed space between us. That’s okay. But to know we can still meet up and have a laugh and get real with one another is beautiful.

I’m seeing my sister this week and then we’re having a siblings’ meal on the weekend. This is something I’m excited about. These recent meet-ups (including seeing my bestie for coffee and books) have filled me with joy. It’s not wasted time like I used to always think. It’s connection. It’s real life. It’s important. The pandemic taught us that.

Writing

My writing has felt in flow lately. My short stories for my university module have been exciting and unique. I feel like I’m creative minded so far this year. Everything is coming together. Even in revisions, making my stories stronger, I feel like I’m enjoying the process like I haven’t in a while.

I’ve been editing my manuscript from last year simply to upload it online (on Wattpad). This process has been amazing! I’ve enjoyed reading through the completed story. I regularly laugh at my own writing, and every writer knows how special that feeling is. I love the characters I wrote last year, and so I’m glad I decided to upload it, giving me a reason to read through it.

Choosing myself

And finally, I just feel like this year is about choosing myself. Doing exciting and joyful things, for me. Things that align with who I am. Taking brave steps and trying new things not to fit some script or impress someone or look cool, but just for me. Last year I let external factors control my life and commandeer my happiness. Not this year. Not this time.

None of these things are especially life-changing or difficult. They are incredibly easy for a lot of people. But for me, they have been important. They have felt immense. They have been the foundations of my year so far, allowing me to feel good about the direction I’m heading in.

Sincerely,

S. x x

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Published on March 06, 2022 09:48

Breath of fresh air – a mindset for Spring

Stop for a moment. You’ve arrived at this post for a reason. I’m here to tell you a secret:

You do not exist to produce and create.

Your presence in this life, this world, is not to please some grand plan or creator. It is not to produce and be of service to others. You are allowed to just exist.

Live, yes, but exist first.

What does this mean? This means freedom to just breathe. To just be. The headspace to think clearly and without purpose.

You are without purpose.

No, that doesn’t mean your existence is futile. Or that you have no direction; no point to your life. Instead it means anything and everything you could ever want it to mean. It means peace. I means the ability to live without panic and strain. That a day left unticked isn’t a wasted day.

A baffling notion in the Western world but one more of us can adopt. I’m not saying run loose, quit your job and become a nomad. I simply invite you to embrace existence as a goal.

Peace. Purposeless joy. Creativity without rules and confinement. Breath without labouring. Tension-less muscles. A flow state of being.

Hippie dippie, perhaps, but who cares? I don’t! Suddenly with this mindset we don’t care as much about what others think. We don’t care about arbitrary timelines and goalposts that we think will mean success for us.

This is very much a message for myself. I forget this all the time. I forget that I am a soul and a body and it is my choice to make meaning from my existence. That no one else is pulling my strings – not if I don’t allow them to do so.

We need jobs and money and people to survive but we get to choose which jobs, how much money we need, and who we invite into our space. The rest (how we fill our days) is up to us. We get to choose what we do with our time and energy. We get to choose joy and laughter and freedom and peace of self. We get to choose whether or not we decide to step into a ring for a boxing match with our fate or flow down a stream, enjoying the view as we go.

I’m a very ambitious person. I want things for my life. I’m not someone to sit back and let life pass me by. But I’m also someone who recognises the ugly face of competition, comparison, fear, hustle culture, money-chasing, disconnection and wonky ideas of success that seems rife in my society. I want to live a life at peace with myself, not at war with myself and the world around me. It’s not easy. At the end of the day I want to go to bed glowing gold, not black and blue with bruises.

What do you choose? A breath of fresh spring air, or a cyclic sprint on a hamster wheel that leaves you breathless?

Sincerely,

S. xx

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Published on February 22, 2022 06:31

Breath of fresh air mindset this coming Spring