Gregg Michaelsen's Blog, page 20

What is Love All About?

Happy New Year! It’s Kirbie today to share with you about a podcast I was listening to recently. It was on a topic many people misunderstand – love. In the coaching Gregg and I do, love is always a huge factor. We are all in one of these phases – I just lost someone I love, I have someone I love and I want to keep him, or I want to find someone to love. Most of our coaching deals with the first – I just lost someone I love. It was this, combined with the podcast, which inspired me to write to you today about this burning question – what is love all about?

You Choose to Love

Love isn’t going to land in your lap. As much as I would like it to happen, love isn’t going to just land in my life. When we meet a new man, something either clicks between you or it doesn’t, but this isn’t love. It’s excitement or infatuation, maybe lust. You can make a choice, though, to learn more about this person, and over time, you build intimacy together and begin showing one another your love.

We all know someone we would describe as being ‘incapable of loving’. A person who can be described in this way is someone who is choosing another emotion, like anger, instead of love. Your emotions are a choice you make, but many don’t realize this. We often coach women to begin listening to the voice in their heads – to hear the negative thoughts and insert positive replacements. This is the beginning of controlling your own emotions.

Think of it this way. You’re driving down the highway, minding your own business until someone cuts you off, causing you to slam on your breaks or swerve. What you do next is your choice. You can choose to be grateful you didn’t get into an accident or you can choose to rant and rave, flip them off, and generally have a hissy fit. Whether you realize it or not, you make a choice.

Your Actions Show Your Love

When you are in a committed relationship, love is something you do, something you show your partner. Love isn’t something you just feel. You choose to love someone by being there for him. If your spouse is up in the middle of the night ill, you choose to love him when you get up with him, to comfort him and meet any immediate needs he may have. This is an act of love. A choice you made to love him by caring for him.

By the same token, you can show someone you don’t love them by your inaction. I have a very close relative who has major medical issues which often land him in the emergency room. His (now ex) wife wouldn’t even lift a finger to help him. He either had to call a rescue squad or ask another family member to take him to the ER. His wife never missed a beat in her life. She showed him she didn’t love him by her lack of action.

When You Love, You make a Commitment

For those of you who are parents, you may understand this better than anyone. You love your children, and you, as a good parent, know that showing your love to your children means supporting them, disciplining them when necessary, encouraging them to learn and grow, and taking on their feeding and daily care. This isn’t something you do because you’re required to. I have seen the results of parents who don’t love their children. It does happen and with devastating results. You make a choice to love them, and with that choice, you make a commitment to their care and well-being.

The same goes for a relationship. When you choose to love someone, you make a commitment to them – to be supportive of their dreams, to care for them when they are ill or injured, to be honest and open with them.

Recognize Love

With all of that said, do you recognize love, or a lack of it, when it is in your life? Gregg spends a lot of time in his books explaining how men love, and much of this fits how men love. We both hear many women tell us “he doesn’t love me”, then they go on to explain how the man in question came over and fixed their car, garbage disposal, garage door or leaky toilet. Maybe he came and hung a shelf, dug a new garden, mowed your lawn or took out your trash.

His actions showed you his love. He chose to do those things instead of hanging with his buddies or watching sports. He made a commitment to you to help you.

On the other hand, does your man only provide lip service? Be careful of a man who only says he loves you without putting actions behind his words. Especially a man who is treating you poorly, hurting you more often than he helps you. He makes many promises, delivers on few, if any. He says he loves you, but he chooses to work 12 hours a day, 6 days a week, spending day 7 in front of the television or out playing golf. He says he loves you, but instead of spending time with you on your one night off, he chooses to go to the bar with the same buddies he was just with 2 nights prior.

So Then, What is Love?

Love is deliberate, not something that just happens. What we often call love is really emotions like euphoria, desire, excitement, happiness and maybe even lust. Those things come and go as quickly as the things which cause them. He says he loves you, you feel excited and happy. He chooses to date another woman, you feel devastation and heartbreak. Rather than listen to what he says, look at the choices he makes, the commitment he has to your relationship or his actions toward you.

The same goes for you. If he doesn’t feel loved, are you showing him you love him? Did you make a commitment to the relationship? Did your actions show him you love him? Did you choose him over an extra 3 hours of yoga class? Love goes both ways and requires a lot of effort.

For more ways to learn about strengthening your relationship through actions, commitment and choice, read Gregg’s latest book, for sale only on the Who Holds the Cards Website, Pennies in the Jar: How to Keep a Man for Life.

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How to Dump a Guy Nicely

When it comes to calling it quits, are you naughty or nice? Breaking up is hard to do, especially if he’s a nice guy. You’ve probably been dumped a few times yourself, so you know it can really sting if not done carefully. You don’t want to crush his heart, but at the same time, you no longer want to be together as a couple. Is it possible to let him down gently and part on good terms? Actually, it is! Anna is here today with a few tips on how to dump a guy nicely.

The longer you wait, the harder it gets

The goal is to make the break up as painless as possible — for the both of you. Do yourself a favor, don’t drag things out and play the part of the happy girlfriend when your heart isn’t in it. I’m not saying rip the Band-Aid off, but rather, ease it off gently, as soon as possible, before it gets stuck and more difficult to remove. If you’re not into him, tell him you need to talk, and be crystal clear with your message. Be kind, but let him know, under no uncertain terms, it’s over. You may think you’re being nice, but don’t give him false hope by comforting him with one last hug or a goodbye kiss if you want his wounds to heal.

Make sure he hears it from you

I know it’s helpful to confide in your girlfriends when working up the courage to end a relationship, but be selective. The last thing you want to do is humiliate him. Out of respect, he should hear it from you before he hears it from someone else. Be brave and speak to him face to face. Do not break up with him by sending a text message or email! It may seem like the easy way out, but it’s certainly not cool. Would you want someone to treat you that way?

It’s Complicated

Before the advent of social media, it was much easier to make a clean break. Now, the situation is a little more awkward and uncomfortable thanks to social sites like Facebook. What happens when you are “friends” with your soon-to-be-old-flame? Do you just change your status to “Single” and hope for the best, then worry about his feelings when you post photos of his replacement? Or, do you unfriend him altogether and block him from your page? “It’s Complicated” is an understatement!

Fortunately, Facebook has recently come up with a new feature to help simplify an already sticky situation. “Take a Break” activates when mobile users change their relationship status, allowing you to fine-tune what your ex can and cannot see on your page. It also lets you choose to see less of what he is posting, without blocking or unfriending him. You can even edit old posts and remove tags from photos, giving you more options when a relationship ends, to keep things civil.

Time to Have the Talk

Keep your break-up speech short and sweet — 30 minutes max
On the other hand, don’t just say, “we’re done” and walk away, he deserves some sort of explanation
Be honest, just not brutally honest; lying to get out of a relationship will surely backfire, but you also don’t want to be cruel
It’s not you it’s me…. What does that even mean? Don’t blame yourself and don’t place the blame on him. Instead, tell him why you don’t feel like you are a good match
Hear him out – he may have questions, especially if you are blind-siding him
If he wants to just get up and go, let him. Don’t force him to talk to you if he doesn’t want to
If you are both happy with moving forward as just friends, that’s awesome, just be sure to leave the old relationship in the past, where it belongs
If your nice guy turns mean, don’t engage with him in any way – remain calm, let him say his peace and leave – time to move on

Sometimes boyfriends cheat on you, forget Valentine’s Day, or bail on your dinner date to watch a football game. In those cases, don’t worry too much about how to dump a guy nicely — a text message break up is perfectly understandable and acceptable.

Do you have a question for Gregg? Visit Gregg’s One Question  and ask your question for just $25! That’s right, you can get an answer to the pesky situation you have without full-price coaching! It’s quick, it’s private, and can help get your relationship back on its feet in no time. Gregg will personally answer your question within 24 hours (sometimes sooner) and will provide one follow up question for clarification.

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How to Keep a Man Interested

You’re right in the middle of some of the worst stress right now – the holiday season. Wondering what to get your parents, who have everything they need, what to get your husband or boyfriend, who can be tricky to buy gifts for. Holiday parties, kids programs, it goes on and on. This time of year is stressful and stress takes a toll on your body and on your relationships. I know because I’m caught up in it too – holiday shoppers honking horns, cutting people off in parking lots and the whole mess. It’s Kirbie today to show you how to keep a man interested and get your relationship back on track.

In his new book, Pennies in the Jar: How to Keep a Man Interested for Life, Gregg takes you through many different ways in which you can keep a man interested. Some are more challenging than others, but one suggestion you shouldn’t ignore is taking a vacation together.

Sure, your stressors may still be there when you get home, but taking a vacation from all of the other stressors of life can serve to give you time to talk, reconnect and discuss those stressors. A man is much more likely to listen to you if you’re both getting along, and if he’s happy. Who’s not happy on a vacation!

How to Afford It

This could even turn into a great gift idea for the two of you to give one another. Rather than buying him another tie, dress shirt, widget for his hobby or ugly sweater (c’mon let’s face it, it’s ugly), pool your gift money into the beginnings of a trip away. If it’s in the budget, you could even consider a quick, romantic weekend getaway. Anything which gets the two of you away from the house for a couple of days to a relaxing place works!

If going away just isn’t in the budget at all, go for a staycation. See if grandma and grandpa can take the kids for a couple of nights. Look into the nooks and crannies of your community for things to do. There are usually unknown corners of any town to visit – cute shops or something connected to one or both of your hobbies. If you can’t afford to eat out, prepare a few meals ahead of time and pop them in the freezer, that way you’re just pulling something out and tossing it in the oven. Make sure to stop the mail and newspaper for a few days too so you’re not distracted by the stressors you’re trying to vacation from!

Vacation Rules

Establish some rules, like no cell phones except during designated times of the day like while the other person is in the shower or right after lunch before you head out to the ski slopes or antique shops. If you have kids at home, obviously you have to stay in touch, but having the phone with you while you’re trying to talk and connect can be a major distraction.

Agree not to disagree. Of course, things come up which you may not agree on, but if it’s which tour to take today versus tomorrow, toss a coin and agree to do both. If that’s not possible, someone will need to compromise. If your relationship is solid, compromise is not an issue. If you’re already on thin ice, this is good practice for you on learning how to compromise! How important is it really to visit one place over another? Are you just holding your ground for the sake of holding it?

How to Keep a Man Interested in Going on Vacation

If you’re having trouble convincing your man you two need a vacation, choose something which appeals to him. If he’s a football fan, head to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in my home state of Ohio. If he’s into skiing or snowboarding, head off to the lodge. If you’re not into it, take a few good books and maybe invite another couple to go along. The men can ski while the women do a spa day.

If your guy is into cars, I once visited The National Auto Museum on a trip to Reno. I’m not into cars but I truly enjoyed the visit. The point is to find something he will be interested in. This gives him fewer reasons to resist the idea. Next time, you can bargain for a trip focusing on something in which you’re interested.

Win a Romantic Getaway

Gregg is so into this idea, he is offering his readers the opportunity to win a romantic getaway to The Berry Manor Inn in Rockland Maine. You can check out the details of the contest here.

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Casual But Cool Christmas Gifts for A New Boyfriend

You have a new man in your life and he’s the perfect package. He gives you that warm holiday glow from the top of your head to the tips of your toes (and everywhere in between)! I bet right about now, you’re wondering what you should get him for Christmas. The relationship is still new, so you don’t want to go too extravagant. At the same time, you want to be thoughtful and let him know you care. You can’t just run to the drugstore and pick up any old thing. That won’t do. But what are appropriate “casual but cool” Christmas gifts for a new boyfriend?

Hi, Tiffany here. It’s the most wonderful time of year, and you have someone special to share it with. Your first Christmas together should be joyful, not stressful! We’re here to help with some gift ideas for your favorite guy (besides Santa Claus, of course). Keep this guide handy while you do your holiday shopping this year!

Top 10 Christmas Gifts For A New Boyfriend

In-Ear Headphones: You can’t go wrong with a good pair of earbuds, especially for the guy who loves music (or listening to podcasts). You can find them as cheap as $5, but for a nice pair, prices range from $30 to $300. High-performance earbuds are comfortable and lightweight, drown out external noise, and have amazing sound quality. Check out CNET’s list of Best Earbuds (In-Ear Headphones) of 2015.

Mini Pro Lenses: Forget the selfie stick. Snap on wide angle and telephoto lenses are a great gift for the guy who loves to use his smartphone as a camera. Prices run about $25 each lens.

Portable Bluetooth Speaker: Lightweight and compact, portable Bluetooth speakers use vibrations to amplify sound. That means he can stream music wirelessly while in the shower, at work, or just about anywhere! Prices range from $40 to almost a thousand, but you don’t have to spend a fortune for a quality speaker. Shop around and find the best sound and features at a price you can afford.

E-Tip Gloves: Baby, it’s cold outside! Scarves, hats and gloves are always a nice gift this time of year. But if you want some thing a little more unusual, go for tech-friendly e-tip gloves. That way he can text you love notes while he’s braving the winter weather!

Sunglasses: Guys love sunglasses. And he will look hot enough to melt snow in a slick pair of aviators, so it’s a win-win! You can spend as little or as much as you want, depending on the brand.

Netflix: So a new flat screen might be a bit much, but a subscription to Netflix is just right for a new boyfriend. He will love snuggling on the couch with you and binge-watching movies and TV shows. Throw in a matching set of PJ’s and you’re good to go! A Netflix Streaming Plan is around $8 a month.

Digital Photo Frame: A digital photo frame would look so nice on his desk at work or bookshelf at home, and you could add some photos of the two of you together. It’s a great way to keep you on his mind. The price of a nice digital photo frame is around $50.

Craft Beer: Create a 6-pack just for him. Retailers like World Market allow you to mix and match unique craft beers from around the globe. Or visit your local microbrewery and pick up a few growlers in seasonal flavors. Prices vary, depending on the beer. Better yet, set him up with his own home brewing kit and make your own beer together!

Tickets: He will be filled with joy when you give him tickets to a sporting event, play, convention, or concert — especially because it is a gift he can share with you! Start planning an amazing date night now, just in time for Christmas!

Homemade Treats: Homemade treats take time, and are made with love. Besides, the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. So bake up a batch of your famous brownies and you will have him melting in your hands (chocolate is an aphrodisiac after all)!

Looking for the ultimate Christmas gift? Enter our “Cutest Couple Photo Contest” and you could win a romantic getaway at Rockland Maine’s premiere luxury bed and breakfast, The Berry Manor Inn (awarded the 2015 Certificate of Excellence by Trip Advisor and named in the Top 10 Be and Breakfasts in the US by Yelp). Visit Gregg Michaelsen / Coach on Facebook for more info and to submit a photo!

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How to Know If A Guy Is Playing You

Maybe everything is perfect, or maybe your gut is telling you something is off. Either way, if a guy seems too good to be true, chances are he might just be. If you are questioning whether or not he’s for real, there’s probably a reason! It’s time to separate the men from the boys and learn how to know if a guy is playing you.

How To Know If He’s A Player

Tiffany here. Let’s start with the 3 basics and then delve in a little deeper:

Trust your instincts. They don’t call it woman’s intuition for nothing!
Be smart and keep your eyes open. Don’t be blinded by pretty words and good looks
Study his body language and learn the telltale signs of a liar

Trust Your Instincts

According to Psychology Today, women have a greater ability to pick up emotional cues than men. It’s like this innate sense, or even a super power, which has been there all along — we just need to listen and trust our intuition! I don’t care if he’s Brad Pitt and George Clooney rolled into one. If your gut is telling you something is off about him, pay attention!

Be Smart

Gregg Michaelsen tells us to beware of sharks. Don’t dip your toes in the dating pool before you heed his warning, otherwise you might get bitten! Sharks are far from authentic, and they’re easy to spot. Look for these signs:

He is dressed to impress
He is a master of conversation
He knows exactly what to say to make you swoon
He is charming and exciting
He is overly confident.

Sharks are pros! They say and do everything right because they’ve had a lot of practice! Be smart, and don’t be his next victim.

The Body Language of a Player

The face of a liar holds clues and can be a dead give-away. Watch for micro-expressions like rapid blinking, face twitching, flushed cheeks, flared nostrils, lip biting, increased swallowing, face touching, contracting of the pupils, or breaking eye contact. It may only take a split second, so watch closely!

Liars often keep their hands behind their backs or in their pockets, since fidgety fingers may give them away. Open palms mean openness, so watch his hands. His hands covering his mouth doesn’t mean he thinks he needs a breath mint either – he’s lying!

The body of a liar may be stiff with his arms and legs close to his side. Watch his movements – they may not match the story he is telling.

The “Is He a Player” Quiz

Use these tips to test your guy and find out if he’s the real deal or too good to be true. Find your opportunity and see how he stacks up.

If something comes up in a conversation that makes you go hmmmm, make him elaborate with open-ended questions. The more he talks, the bigger his story will get until he gets trapped in his web of lies.

If you’re still not sure, have him tell his story again, backwards. Just say you missed a few details. Liars tend to talk quickly, so it won’t be a stretch and players are accustomed to women clinging to their every word – this is no different. Okay so it’s a little different, but he doesn’t know that.

Ask questions, but be sure not to interrogate him during the process. The goal is to gently and subtly unnerve him and throw him off his game. Whether he’s a player or a genuinely nice guy, it will show. You just need to play your cards right.

Eventually, he will feel challenged to keep his story straight. Watch carefully to see how his confidence changes. He wants you eating out of the palm of his hand. If he begins to lose control of the conversation, his true self will show.

Now, You’re Informed

Hopefully you are no longer wondering how to know if a guy is playing you. You should now be able to spot a liar no problem — just trust your instincts, keep your eyes and ears open, and be smart, ladies!

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A Girl Walks into a Bar…How to Navigate the Bar Scene

Tiffany here. I was never a big fan of the bar scene. There were always too many people crammed into a small, smoky space and the noise made it impossible to have a decent conversation. Any time a guy would approach me, he would be shouting cheesy pick up lines and I would inevitably get squished and bumped as I struggled to keep my drink from spilling. Then, when I’d hit the dance floor, it always ended with me sandwiched between two creeps as I struggled to break free from my “Nightmare” at the Roxbury. I’m probably dating myself here by referencing a silly movie from the 90s, but back then, that was pretty much how it was. If you wanted to meet men, you suffered through the sandwich dancing, the crowds, the noise and the spilled drinks. If you were smart, you kept a fake wedding ring in your pocket for emergencies — sorry, married.

Today’s Bar Scene

Fast forward almost 20 years and boy have times changed! Sure, you’ll find the occasional rowdy dive, but for the most part, bars have grown up. They are stylish and hip with room to breathe, designed with talking and mingling in mind. But, while the atmosphere has changed for the better, guys sadly remain the same. It’s finally time to face the facts ladies. Most guys who frequent bars want one thing, and you know what it is! The worst thing of all is they know how to get it. It’s scary, really — like being in a shark tank where he’s the predator and you’re the prey. You’ve been warned.

Plenty of (Good) Fish

What’s a single girl to do? Well, there are plenty of good fish in the sea – swimming around with those sharks. Bars are a great place to meet new people, but how do you avoid the sharks and find that good guy that’s worth dating? If you’ve read any of Gregg Michaelsen’s best dating books, you have learned how to be in charge. You are a confident, quality woman who can have her pick of men so choose wisely.

Learn to identify the real men from the predators and just keep swimming! Sharks are masters of conversation. They are confident. They come right up to you and ask you a lot of questions to make you believe they are interested in you as a person. They are charming and exciting and turn your brain to mush. They do everything right — but they are not authentic. They are pros.

Navigate the Bar Scene Wisely

Think about it. A guy who is that impressive — who knows how to look and act just right — has probably had a lot of practice. On the other hand, the guy who is nervous and stumbles over his words fails to impress because he does not do this often. He’s authentic. Ditch the shark, and give this guy a chance! Talk to him for a while and see what happens. He might be perfect for you once he’s comfortable and you get to know him better.

Catching Mr. Right

Now that you know how to weed out the sharks, how do you find those good guys that are worth dating? They are out there, but they may not approach you, and they may not be immediately obvious either. Maybe they are playing pool, or sitting at the bar with their buddies, but they notice you. They are just too nervous to approach you.

If you notice a guy who catches your attention and seems authentic watching you from across the room, don’t be afraid to make contact. It could be as simple as getting up and walking past his table, or following him up to the bar. As you pass, throw in a glance and a smile. Make eye contact. Make it easy for him to approach you without fear of being humiliated. Keep this in mind – men don’t always pick up on non-verbal cues so if he’s still not catching on, don’t give up. He is interested, but he may need an extra dose of confidence. Make it easy and make the first move. Approach him and strike up a conversation. If you’re not comfortable with that, just wave him over! Chances are, with encouragement from you, he will come.

Now that you know how to tell the good guys from the bad, you should be able to navigate the bar scene. Beat it sharks — it’s only smooth sailing from here in the dating pool!

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The Difference Between Sex and Intimacy

I was driving the other day, thinking about nothing in particular and somehow, this question came up. Why do people confuse sex and intimacy? I’m guessing something someone said on the radio prompted this thought, but I got so lost in it, I couldn’t tell you who or in what context. It’s Kirbie today with the difference between sex and intimacy.

The Difference Between Sex and Intimacy

“We were intimate.” This phrase bugs me. You were not intimate, you had sex. Intimacy is built without sex. Many couples who choose not to have sex before marriage have built a tremendous amount of intimacy. By the same token, many couples who have a lot of sex together have no intimacy.

Intimacy is the emotional connection between you – the energy and passion. If you come home at the end of a really bad day, someone with whom you share intimacy will be right there to provide you the emotional support you need. He will pull you close, put his arms around you and make you feel suddenly protected from all of the evil which lurks outside.

How do You Build Intimacy if Not in the Bedroom?

Building intimacy happens in those little moments which almost go unnoticed. The late-night stroll in the park, hand in hand, where maybe you hardly say anything to one another. The support you provided to him when his childhood dog died – you were there, with a hug, to hold him as he grieved the loss.

Gregg calls this ‘pennies in the jar’ in some of his books. He talks about collecting great moments together to build up a defense against a break-up. Sitting up all night talking after an old boyfriend announces his engagement, or going out to choose a new puppy from the animal shelter are things which build intimacy.

I remember when my ex-husband and I were in high school – we were both 16. His sister had cystic fibrosis, and at 19, she was a case study doctors wrote about. In 1979, people with CF didn’t live as long as she had. After a final battle with her lungs, she asked to go home – she asked to die.  He came to my house that evening, in obvious and deep pain. Even though we were only 16, this was a very intimate experience for us. I held him in my arms while he cried and cried over his loss. I’ll never forget it.

Intimacy also happens in those moments where you know your partner so well, it scares you – and vice versa. He brings you your favorite latte on a Saturday morning, along with your favorite cinnamon raisin bagel, toasted just how you like it.

You recognize at lunchtime he’s having a really bad day, so you plan to take him out to dinner at his favorite place, or cook his favorite dinner at home. You go out of your way to play a fun evening for him and his friends when his team makes the playoffs – you get their favorite beer, order up some pizzas and head off with your girlfriends while they watch the game.

Another way in which you can build intimacy is to express your love in front of others. If this makes him uncomfortable, this might not be a good idea, but if he’s into public displays of affection, this goes a long way.

How to Kill Intimacy

I’ve also been in relationships where I’ve watched intimacy dwindle away. One sure-fire way to begin killing intimacy is to stop spending time together. If you live together, this could mean sleeping in separate bedrooms – or sleeping at the same time. While having sex won’t necessarily build intimacy, avoiding sex with each other is a sure-fire way to kill it.

Becoming a workaholic is another great way to kill intimacy. If all of your energy suddenly goes into your work, you will be too exhausted to devote any time or energy to your partner. You won’t be thinking about stopping on the way home to buy his favorite cut of steak or grabbing the Sunday Times because you know he likes to do the crossword.

Allow your confidence to take a nose dive, or watch his confidence tank. This is another intimacy-killer. If your confidence starts to dwindle, maybe because of a setback at work or some other event in your life, it can begin to put a wall between you – especially if you are one who doesn’t share those things well – someone who internalizes everything.

Building a Lasting Relationship

Whether you’re married or dating, you should always be building those intimate moments. It’s not all on you to do it, but it’s something to always keep in mind. When you see your partner start slipping in some of these activities, it’s a signal to you. If he starts sleeping at different times or working a lot, something needs to be addressed.

These ‘pennies in the jar’ keep your relationship solid. You can even think of them as one way to avoid the dreaded affair. Never stop accumulating them! You’ll be ‘rich’ beyond your wildest dreams – at least in terms of your relationship.

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Finding Real Love: Hint – It’s not in a Fairy Tale or Romance Novel

Hi, Tiffany here. If you’re like me, when you were a little girl, you loved fairy tales like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty. You dreamed of finding real love – you dreamed of the day your prince would sweep you off your feet. You believed you would live happily ever after (preferably in a castle with a closet full of beautiful ball gowns). As you got older, romance novels replaced picture books, and you held on to the fantasy of a handsome man swooping in to make all your dreams come true.

The true story is real life is not like a fairy tale or romance novel, and these fantasies do not provide sound relationship advice for women. Finding real love does not magically happen. Successful relationships take work. The perfect Prince Charming does not exist. Nobody is perfect, not even you, and you should never rely on a man to make you happy, although “happily ever after” can happen. You just need to be realistic and adjust your outlook.

Have you found yourself turning down dates because you are waiting for your prince? You never gave that nice “normal” guy a chance because he did not fit this ideal you have in your head of the perfect man — tall, dark, handsome and rich (with a full head of flowing “Fabio” hair) for example? If so, you may be missing out on a great relationship with someone wonderful. You are closing yourself off to love and possibilities. You’re acting like your very own wicked stepmother! So how do you get past this fantasy existence and start living and experiencing love for real?

I have a friend (let’s call her Liz) who was OBSESSED with all things regency. Mr. Darcy, the hero of Jane Austen’s uber-popular classic, Pride and Prejudice, was her perfect man. More specifically, the image of Colin Firth emerging from a lake in a soaking wet shirt in the BBC movie was her perfect man. She fancied herself a modern day Elizabeth Bennet — and she’s not the only one!

Do a search online for the dashing hero and you’ll find a bunch of articles on “How To Find a Modern Day Mr. Darcy” (complete with step by step instructions), Marrying Mr. Darcy board games, “I Love Mr. Darcy” T-shirts, and books and blockbuster films with contemporary Mr. Darcys as the male lead (Bridget Jones’s Diary and Austenland) to name a few. And yes, my friend is still single. How will she ever be happy when no real man can compare to this fictional character burned in her brain.

Romantic novels are fun, but the fantasy men in books can’t exist in the real world. We need real men, flesh and blood, and heart and soul. Not words on a page which another woman dreamed up for us. Real men are kind. They are reliable. They are trustworthy, thoughtful, generous, affectionate, strong…. They’re not always the most handsome men in the room. They may not have an impressive job title or the most money. They may not wear the sharpest clothes, or be up to date on what’s trendy. They may not emerge from a lake shirtless in all their masculine glory. But they WILL treat us like princesses and love us for who WE are, warts and all.

Real life is not a fairy tale or a romance novel. If you stop looking for that elusive fantasy man, you may just find a real man standing right before your eyes, waiting to sweep you off your feet. That’s right, regular guys CAN do that, not just princes. If you keep your heart, your eyes and your mind open, and believe in TRUE LOVE, he will come…. Someday.

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Are You Setting a Good Example for Your Teens?

As a divorced mom of four, now adult, children, I look back on my life and wonder if I was the best example for them when they were growing up. It’s Kirbie today to help you not have the same worries I do – I’m here to help you set a good example for your teens.

Teenagers are a quirky bunch. They have more coming at them than I did when I was a kid, when the biggest technological advances were cable TV and no party lines on the phone. Today, kids have life coming at them from all angles – social media, smart phones, peers and school. While all I had to worry about in middle school was appearance and friendships, kids today have the added worries of a shooter showing up at their school, being bullied and fitting into a high technology world not all parents can afford. There are a few things you can do to be that good example.

Get Your Own Confidence in Check

Most people know whether or not they feel confident, especially by adulthood. If you feel you are lacking confidence, buy Comfortable in Your Own Shoes and/or To Date a Man, You Must Understand Yourself. Either of these books will set you on the pathway to confidence. Together, they are like a confidence one-two punch.

Kids get their cues from their parents. If you are not confident, you are not displaying the behaviors your children need to see – you are not modeling confidence. If you won’t do this for yourself, at least do it for your kids.

Give Praise, not Criticism

The next time you hear yourself talking to your child, or when your child is close enough to hear you, listen to what you are saying. If you are talking to your child, this is even more important. Do you say things like “How did you do so poorly on this test? I told you to study more. You never listen to me.” or do you hear yourself saying, “I know this test was a challenge for you. Maybe this weekend, we can look at it together so you can get the hang of it.”

In one instance, you are merely berating the child for poor performance. Your child could have studied so hard for that test, but just not have had an understanding of the material. By berating them, you are only confirming what they think – “I’m not good at this” or “I’m not good enough for my parents.” What you want your child to think is “My parents support me.”

Positive vs. Negative Speak

Another way in which your behavior can negatively impact your child is by speaking negatively to yourself (out loud) or showing behaviors which show your lack of confidence. Listen to your own self-talk. Life has beaten you up, and we are all guilty of negative self-talk. When you read Comfortable in Your Own Shoes, you will learn more about affirmations, but I can sum it up for you now.

It’s common to say things to yourself like ‘I’m not good enough [to get that job] [to get a great guy] [to get a college education] [you fill in the blank].” This sets you up for failure, and if you’re saying it out loud, it teaches your children the same skill.

Set the Rules – and the Consequences

I hear this one all too often – single parents don’t feel as if it is somehow fair to impose rules and consequences on their kids – they feel guilty for any marital break and think their child’s life is difficult enough without having too many rules to follow.

Drop the guilt and step up. Your kids want rules. They are looking to you to help them avoid negative situations. Where there is a void, something else will fill in. Where there is an absence of rules and consequences, negative influences of peers will fill in.

If your child knows that skipping class will result in being grounded from his technology for two weeks, he’ll be a heck of a lot less tempted to give it a whirl. If there are no rules, no consequences, he thinks you don’t care, and won’t care if he skips. This self-monitoring builds self-esteem.

Chores, Expectations and More Consequences

Give your child chores and set expectations. It’s important for kids to learn to succeed, and there is no better way to try something than to try it at home, in a safe environment away from peers. As kids get older, their chores become more complex and their confidence grows.

When you set expectations, you are giving them boundaries. For example, if you work late on Tuesdays, you may ask your teenager to get dinner started for you. Don’t just issue an order, explain why you have set this expectation and what the consequence is for not meeting it. Kids will be much more willing to comply if they understand your reasoning. If they just feel taken advantage of, forget it.

Communicate

I read a great tip when I was researching this article – I wish I had done this with my kids – my oldest in particular. This mom created a “Mom Journal”, which was a journal she and each of her kids (individually) shared. The child was able to write anything in the journal, which the mom would read from time to time, providing helpful comments where needed. It is considered a safe zone of sorts. The child can write about anything without consequence and the mom’s only job is to WRITE a response.

I love the idea of having this additional method of communicating with your kids. Difficult topics which they may be hesitant to speak about openly can be addressed in the journal. This wouldn’t absolve you of openly communicating in other ways, but it certainly would provide an outlet for more challenging conversations.

Let your child know you are willing to listen. They don’t always want you to provide a solution – in fact, you shouldn’t always provide a solution. You should help them find their way to a solution. Your job is merely to listen and be supportive.

Your child is looking to you as an example, but it can be difficult to remember how your actions impact others if you are in a highly emotional state or lacking your own confidence. It’s easy to forget how our actions impact others. You have a chance to make a positive impact on your kids, and it’s never too late to start!

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3 Steps to Become a Guy Magnet

Hey, Tiffany here! We’ve all known at least one Chick Magnet — from the guy ALL the girls had a crush on in high school to the distinguished older gentleman at the nursing home who makes every lady in the joint swoon – they do exist. It’s an undeniable fact. Some guys just ooze attraction. He may not always be the most handsome, have the biggest muscles, or drive the nicest car, but there is just something about him.

What about us? Is there such a thing as a woman who oozes attraction? And if so, how do you become a guy magnet? Good news – Guy Magnets do exist! Better news – it’s not difficult to learn. The secret to drawing men is this simple: it’s all about confidence.

Did you ever have a friend who was not as pretty as you, but for some reason she stole the attention of every guy in the room, much to your dismay? Did you ever see a solid 5 walking hand in hand with an absolute 10 and wonder, how did that happen? Did you ever meet a man who was not at all your type, but ten minutes into the conversation you suddenly become VERY attractive to him? You can thank confidence.

Sure a great body and a beautiful face will get you dates, but most men — and women — can see past the superficial very quickly. Giving off an apprehensive vibe and insecure body language can make a 10 become a zero in no time. When you are unsure of yourself, it shows, and it’s a definite turn off. Instead of shining, you fall flat. What can you do to change things and become the belle of the ball? No magic wand is going to do that for you. You have to decide to make the change yourself, by adjusting your outlook and attitude.

Step 1: Love Yourself

I’m not saying you should boast about how amazing you are to every man you meet. That’s not going to help you win dates and influence people, but if you love yourself, it WILL show and others will love you too. Loving yourself means looking inward and appreciating what is good about YOU. Cut yourself some slack about your perceived imperfections, and feel comfortable in your own shoes. Stop putting yourself last. Make time for yourself, mind, body and soul. Banish negative thoughts, and focus on the positive. After all, no one will love you if you don’t love yourself.

Step 2: Be True To Yourself

Trying to act like something or someone you are not is never a good thing. If anything, it just shows you lack confidence. And the truth WILL catch up with you in the end. So save yourself time and heartaches and just be YOU! You have your own hobbies and interests so do what you love, surround yourself with people who accept you as is, and be seen for the amazing person you are! Not the fake person who pretends to be something she’s not. When in doubt, be true to yourself.

Step 3: Value Yourself

Boston’s top dating coach, Gregg Michaelsen, believes there is nothing more attractive than confidence. You are a woman of value who can have her pick of men. All you need to do is believe it. Boost your feelings of self-worth by throwing yourself into work you love, and activities which help you feel good about yourself and your talents. Think about all the things you do to help people, your achievements, and all your strengths as an individual. Surround yourself with friends and family who support you and love you unconditionally. Trust your intuition and wisdom, it won’t steer you wrong.

Now you know the secret to becoming a Guy Magnet. No one changes overnight, but if you work on building your confidence you will notice a difference in the way people perceive you, and before you know it, it will be you who steals the attention of all the guys in the room! So tell me, who holds the cards now?

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