Gregg Michaelsen's Blog, page 25

Raise Your Standards! How Much Emotional Baggage Is Too Much?

Hi — Tiffany here. We’ve all been there. We meet a guy we are super attracted to, but he comes with a LOT of baggage. We all have our fair share, but his seems to be almost too much to handle. You wonder, does your relationship have a fighting chance or will it be smothered under the weight of his issues? Should you stick it out in hopes that things will get better in time, or is it a lost cause? How can you know? But just the fact that you are questioning it should be a red flag. How much emotional baggage is too much?

If you follow the advice of best-selling author and dating coach Gregg Michaelsen, you know you are a woman of value who can have her pick of men. You know what you want in a man, and how you want to be treated. If you have high standards (as you should!), you can save yourself from the pain and heartache guaranteed to come from a man with too much baggage.

In To Date a Man, You Must Understand A Man, Gregg gives us a great list of unnecessary baggage to watch out for. Keep this list ready whenever you meet a new man, and save yourself a lot of wasted time and energy. After all, you are THE CHOOSER!

Is he just out of a major relationship? Does he constantly bring up his ex and make comparisons? Do you feel like you can’t live up to his memory of a past girlfriend, or does he angrily accuse you of acting just like her? Time to cut your loses and run.


Is he being harassed by his ex or other women? Does she text him in the middle of the night, vandalize his car, or make threats directed at either of you? This kind of baggage can only lead to disaster.


Does he have a bunch of kids under the age of 10? Young kids are a huge responsibility, and they are a tie that binds him to his ex…. Forever. And why didn’t it work out with the mom (or moms) anyway? Probably best to steer clear of this kind of situation, unless you are ready to be an instant step-mom.


Does he show clear signs of having addictions? If so, it’s wise to remove yourself from the relationship.


Is he about to move to another city, town or country? Entering a long-distance relationship is hard enough on established couples, let alone a new relationship. Think of it logically. How can love grow when you hardly ever see each other? Are you really going to travel back and forth? Sticking with this guy may even prevent you from meeting someone awesome who can be present in your life.


Is he a total mommy’s boy? Does her opinion and advice matter more to him than yours? Does he choose her over you? Is he not able to stand up to his mom when he should? Is he overly affectionate with his mom? Does he tell her everything? Speaking from experience, if you are dating a mommy’s boy, stop…. unless you don’t mind his mom being a third person in your relationship, because she always will be.


Does he want to borrow money from you right out of the gate? Big red flag! Just say no to the relationship…. and the loan of course.


Does he have a felony record and/or criminal convictions? It’s always a good idea to do a background check before dating a guy.


Do your friends and family hate him? These people love you and have your back. They would not steer you wrong. When you are into a guy you may only see the good, so maybe they see something you can’t.


Does his own family hate him? These are the people who are supposed to love him unconditionally. Big red flag all the way around.


Does your dog hate him? If your dog loves everyone but hates your man, you should think twice! Dogs are smart. What is Fido sensing that you’re not?


Does he hate or mistreat animals? If his treatment of animals alarms you, or he lacks compassion for others, you may want to think twice.


Does he have anger issues? Does he threaten you or anyone else? If you are afraid of his temper, it’s not likely a healthy or safe situation to be in.


Does he have a personal hygiene problem? We all want to impress in the beginning, so things will only get worse as he gets more comfortable. If a guy doesn’t care enough now, you probably shouldn’t keep him around for later.


Is he conceited and selfish? Remember, a quality man will put you first.


Does he have no friends? There must be a reason why. Is he too focused on work? Does he lack confidence? Is there something off-putting about his personality or sense of humor?


Is he always on porn sites? Many men have replaced real sex and intimacy with porn. If it’s an issue, walk away.

Relationships are filled with compromise. We compromise on what to have for dinner, what movie to see this weekend, and whether or not we follow the same politics. But these are basic compromises that help us grow in a relationship — they do NOT leave us feeling drained and overwhelmed. Gregg would say if his baggage is getting in the way, it’s time to raise your standards and “dump his ass!”

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Developing a Workout Habit

Swimsuit season is just around the corner if you’re like me and live in what was recently the frozen tundra. It’s Kirbie today and I thought we should have a little chat about getting into a good workout habit. Working out is not only good for your body and improving how you look on the outside, but it has benefits to your mind as well.

Set a time of day

I have found that the best workout routine I ever had was just that – a routine. Not in the sense of doing 50 sit-ups followed by 30 jumping jacks, but routine meaning every day when I came home from work, I got into my workout clothes straight out of my work clothes and headed off to the gym. It became part of my day. I was even able to tweak my work schedule a bit so that I got home a little earlier, allowing me to grab a shower and still get dinner going at a reasonable hour.

Get a buddy

Working out, especially in the beginning, is hard work, and it’s easy to say “I’m going to skip it today, I’m tired.” If, however, you ask a friend to start working out with you, they’re more likely to cheer you on, and you’re more likely to keep working out to help them stay encouraged. It also gives you someone to talk to while you’re working out and someone to share your aches and pains.

Tell someone

Have someone you trust to hold you accountable for your workout. This person should be someone who will hold your feet to the fire and ask you periodically how you’re doing. This can be really beneficial when you start to hit a wall. Make sure to tell this person that you expect them to be a little hard you when you need it. That’s what friends are for!

Start slow

If you haven’t worked out in a while, or, well – ever, be sure to start slow. Your first few workouts may only be 10 minutes long, but that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you’re doing something, and something is always better than nothing. It may be that you can only walk to the mailbox and back – that’s okay. Be sure to increment up slowly. Every few days, add a minute or two. Once you hit maybe 20 minutes, increase the intensity of your workout, instead of the time. Either add some incline to your treadmill or some sort of pressure to the machine you’re using. After you increase that for a while, go back to adding time.

Get a checkup

This should be the first tip, but that’s okay. Make sure to get clearance from your MD before you begin a new workout, especially if you have health issues or have had joint issues in the past. They will give you some ideas of where you should start and may be able to provide you with some dietary advice as well.

Let yourself off of the hook

You should always be driving to do the best workout you can, but some days, it’s just not happening. You may get 15 or 20 minutes in and just be wiped out. Wind down and wrap it up. It’s not worth forcing it. Your body may be trying to tell you something and it pays to listen. Tomorrow is another day and you will be back at it.

Drink lots of water

Take water with you to the gym. If you’re doing an outdoor workout and it’s hot, freeze a water bottle ahead of time and take that with you. It will melt as you go along and it will stay cold. Trust me, by the time you’re done, it’ll be empty! The important thing is to stay hydrated, otherwise you’ll run out of gas before you’re done. You should also be well hydrated before you go to the gym, and you should drink more when you get home.

Set some goals

Spend your first few days trying out different routines or machines, then go home and set some goals. If you have decided that the elliptical is your machine, make a plan for increasing your time and effort. Set a goal for getting from 10 minutes to 20, then from 20 to 30. How many days will it take you? Be reasonable but not too easy on yourself. Don’t forget to account for increasing intensity – build that in as well. This isn’t about setting weight loss goals, it’s about setting goals on the machine. The bonus is that you’ll lose weight and shed some of the flabby stuff we all hate.

Change things up from time to time

Even if you prefer the elliptical, you might think about using a different machine every now and then. Maybe once a week, use the bike instead. Another great workout option is to do a machine every other day and fill in with weight lifting on the off days. This is actually great for your bone structure and helps to prevent osteoarthritis. If you find that you plateau with your weight loss, this can be a great way to shake things up.

Get good shoes and take care of them

You don’t need to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe, but you will definitely thank yourself if you get a good pair of shoes. Ask someone at the shoe store for help if you’re not sure what to get. There are now shoes for any activity you want to do, so choose wisely. Try them on, walk around in them for a few minutes and make sure they will feel good on you while you’re working out. Once you have those shoes, take good care of them, and replace about every 3 months. Never wash sneakers. Spot clean them, take out the insoles and wash them, and wash the laces separately – all can be done in your kitchen sink.

Final thoughts

I find getting into a workout routine to be very difficult. It takes a massive amount of will power to stick with it, but if you can manage to force yourself for a week or two, you’ll become ‘addicted’ to the endorphins that are produced and you’ll find yourself wanting to work out! I promise!! I know you don’t believe me, but it’s true. Try it for a few weeks and you will see!

For more great tips for single women, read The Social Tigress

Buy The Social Tigress Here!


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Get Over Him! 6 Sure Fire Post Break Up Tools

This is for all you women who know the last guy was wrong for you and it’s time to get over him! You want to move on because getting him back is not an option – he can’t be fixed. I’m here to help you. Just place me on your right shoulder and let’s get to work!

Grieve but with a time limit

You need to grieve – I get that, but I’m only giving you a set number of days. Grab your calendar while you are eating your Ben and Jerrys and start to make some entries. Leave three to five days blank to cover the event, then start booking your new life. Make some new entries – entries that you have never made before. You are single now so go big or stay home alone!

Join Meetup.com, pick an event this weekend, hit the “I’m going” button, and GO!
With a dry erase marker write this on your mirror: “The grieving is over – it’s time to get happy”
Say this all day long, until it manifests into reality!
Join a new gym, not just to get into shape, but for the positive endorphins that are going to dance in your head. You might even make a new friend. Force yourself to go to a new

Cut him out of the will

Everything goes! Pictures, emails, texts, (block his phone number). Block him on Facebook and every other social media platform you have. You’re not sad, you’re mad!. Stop going to places where you will run into him. Keep in touch with a few of his friends to really get him!

Turn your sadness into anger

The grieving period is over, but you know how it works – the memory flash backs keep coming back and you are sad again. This is normal, but let’s turn these fond memories into the bad memories. Remember, the time… FILL IN HERE! The yelling, the lack of support, the terrible sex, the alcohol abuse, the drugs, the constant borrowing of money, and that mole hair on his back! That’s it, lay it on thick.

Practice displacement

You remember physics class? Fill up the glass with water, drop in the ice cubes, and watch the water flow over onto the floor. The best way to get over him is to fill your glass with new memories and with new people (men) as soon as you feel you are ready. In the short term, staying extremely busy will be your temporary displacement to help you through. Keep doing things even when you don’t want to. Wear yourself out so at the end of the day you just sleep.

Give yourself a serious girl’s day

If you can afford it, I’m talking a full blown spa day, complete with a massage! Follow with a major clothes shopping spree, and finish with a nice night out with your girls or your family. You deserve this for all the crap you put with for the last two and half years!

Re-discover yourself

Now is the time for my secret weapon. People grow when they are single! Kids, personalities, and careers stunt our growth. You are single now and you have more time for yourself without having to meet his needs. Rejoice and get to know yourself all over again. Get my best-selling confidence course, Comfortable in Your Own Shoes, create your new life vision and learn how to get it!

Do these six things, immediately, after the break up and you will feel much, much better.

What types of things have you tried to get over a breakup?
Order your copy of Comfortable in Your Own Shoes Now

Buy Comfortable in Your Own Shoes Here!


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5 Rules To Follow on Your Journey to Catch Mr. Right

In To Date a Man, You Must Understand A Man: The Keys to Catch a Great Guy, Gregg says, “Cast a net off your boat and fill your bucket with men. Then throw back the losers and keep a few in your koi pond.” So how do you know if you should reel him in or cast him overboard? It’s Tiffany today to remind you that you are the CHOOSER! It’s all up to you to decide whether or not he’s a keeper. And it’s not that hard to figure out, once you have the right gear. I’m not talking fishing poles and actual nets, but solid tools and rules to follow on your journey to catch Mr. Right.

Write It Down

So, you’ve been on a few dates and you have him firmly in your net. Before you go any farther, stop and write down at least ten sentences that detail exactly how you want to be treated by a guy. Do you want a man who puts you first? Someone who makes you laugh? Someone respectful? Thoughtful? Romantic? Once you have a solid ten, narrow it down to a good three to five items that are non-negotiable. Now promise yourself you will not fall for the guy unless he proves — consistently, through his actions — that he is the quality man you are looking for. No exceptions. If he doesn’t realistically meet your standards, cast him overboard.

Take A Step Back

When we are really into someone, we tend to view everything with blinders on. It’s hard to assess the relationship clearly when we only see the good. But is he truly a decent guy? Or is he just hot, without any real substance? In Who Holds The Cards Now? 5 Lethal Steps to Win His Heart and Get Him to Commit, Gregg Michaelsen advises us to slow down and take a step back to discover his true worth. This is especially important before sex gets in the way, and clouds our minds even more. Remember, YOU hold the cards. Keep it in lock-down mode until you are sure he is a man of value.

Have Your Friends Meet Him

You may have blinders on, but your friends surely don’t! Good girlfriends have your back, and can help you see if he’s the real deal, or just a blowfish. Try not to get defensive when they give you their unbiased opinion. Listen to what they have to say and trust that they want what’s best for you. If the guy isn’t all that, they can help you give him the heave ho. Cast him overboard. But if they think he’s a real catch, reel him in!

Meet His Friends

This can be a real game changer. If he doesn’t want you to meet his buddies, there is something wrong. Cast him overboard. If he wants you to meet his buddies, and wants to show you off — great! Take this time to find out what they have to say about your man. Do they respect him? Is he a reliable, stand up guy? Or is he a girl chaser? Is he a slob? Also pay attention to how your man behaves in this situation. Is he attentive to you? Is he confident and relaxed? Does he put you first? Or is he always siding with the guys? Is he nervous? Insecure? Clingy? Is he crudely checking out other girls? Is he an obnoxious drunk? Does his personality change in a negative way when he’s with his crew? Remember, if his friends are immature, or if they are all players, chances are he is too. If you find that’s the case, get rid of him — fast!

Follow Your Intuition

Does he make excuses all the time? Does he fail to step up when you need him? Is he too busy to meet your family and friends? Is he controlling? Self-centered? Rude? These are all red flags! Whatever the behavior may be, if it gives you those uneasy vibes, it’s wrong! When in doubt, follow your intuition. We women are famous for it, so use it — and lose him. Cast him overboard!

On your way to “The One,” you are bound to catch a few bad fish. But remember, there are plenty of men in the sea, so keep casting your net and reel in the good ones! Who knows, you might just score the catch of a lifetime!

Hi, I’m Tiffany — the new girl! Gregg has summoned my powers to help his blog grow by leaps and bounds. Gregg, Kirbie and I will help bring you the complete gamut of ideas, solutions and issues we all face in the name of love.
If you’d like to learn more about catching a great guy, read The Social Tigress
Buy The Social Tigress Here!


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6 Tests to Prove He’s Single

 

Last week we had Is He Lying About Being Single? 6 Signs to Figure it Out, this week let’s put men’s feet to the fire and prove he’s single.

He doesn’t give you his cell number

Ask for it. If he hesitates, then challenge him on it. Keep it funny and witty. Say, “Come on Mr., I want to include your wife in our conversations!” Then, if he makes some lame excuse or goes MIA, give yourself a big pat on the back and do your happy dance! You just saved yourself a lot of heartache.

He is scheduling day time dates with you

Normally, I would like this from a guy. This proves he wants to get to know you instead of driving to the hoop on a Saturday night. But this could also mean that he is setting up a drive to the hoop when his girlfriend is out of town next week. Change the time. Move it to after work appetizers. Get the date out of the 9-5 work day and see if he agrees. If he constantly tries to pull it back into his timeframe be careful.

He never texts you after 7 pm

Last week, I mentioned he texts you all day but then he stops. Delay your response until nighttime. This shows him that you are busy and he is not your primary concern as covered in my #1 best seller, “Power Texting Men.”  It also raises a red flag if he doesn’t respond to your night time texts.

He makes excuses when asked about a weekend trip

Obviously, you have been dating for a while if you are considering a weekend trip. That said, I have talked to women who didn’t find out until 6 months later that this guy had a wife and kids! Mention a weekend trip. You don’t have to be serious, just throw it out there. Do this when you are in person so you can see his body language! If he quivers, stutters or changes the subject, then you need to keep testing him.

He gets interrupted when you are on a date

I love this one! If he walks away or he stays and his voice gets quieter, do this: Walk past him and say something fairly loud like, “I’ll be right back, babe, I’m hitting the ladies room.” Afterwards, when you come back and don’t see him, look under the table and you will see him sucking his thumb, crying because he just lost both you and his girlfriend!!

He goes MIA

You go MIA! When he contacts you 3 days later, with his lame ass excuses, you give him 4 days and hit him with you lame ass excuses! “Oh, hey I lost my phone too!” I just love screwing with men J

To Sum Up…

Some of these things could be harmless – I get that. Look at all these signs, if he is doing 2 or 3 of these things, then you need to start looking at the whole picture. Why not cover your bases? By reacting the way I recommend, you are doing yourself a favor either way. How? You are setting boundaries. You are challenging him, and, you are making it crystal clear that you are a catch and your time is valuable.

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Is He Lying About Being Single? 6 Signs to Figure it Out

 

Hello my wonderful readers! Gregg here, and we need to talk about an important subject. There is nothing more that irritates me more than when a guy pretends he is single, while really he is married or deep in a relationship. This is the first of two posts – first, to give you the signs, and second, to give you the tests to expose him!

He doesn’t give you his cell number

Men don’t worry about safety when it comes to women. We don’t need to too, for the most part, we are bigger and tougher than you guys. The only reason we don’t give it up is because we don’t want the other woman to find out.

He is scheduling day time dates with you

You may think he is just a good guy, right? And maybe he is, but guys rarely schedule daytime dates – for one reason – sex doesn’t happen during the day! I know, I’m being shallow and you don’t want to date a guy like this anyway, but guys think about sex all day long, even the good guys. It is in our DNA to schedule a date on Friday or Saturday night. Why? We have a better chance of having sex with you! That said, I want you to schedule daytime dates, just not him!

He never texts you after 7 pm

Ok, let’s say you got his cell number. Cool. But guys in relationships are scoundrels, many have multiple numbers. If you are getting texts during the day but they “dry up” when the sun goes down, guess what? He is with his wife or live in girlfriend.

He makes excuses when asked about a weekend trip

I know this sounds crazy but, as many of you know, I am a Dear Abner for women and I get about 30 emails every day. I have had several women that have been duped, through no fault of their own, by married guys! An overnight is almost impossible for a man who is in a relationship unless he travels all the time for work.

He gets interrupted when you are on a date

Yes, it could be his boss, but it could also be his girlfriend. If he gets up and walks away from you for privacy, this should raise some red flags. When I am on a date with a woman that I like, I am not taking calls that are not important. A wife or a girlfriend calling is very important.

He goes MIA

I saved the best (or worst) for last. You know the script, everything is going just dandy and SNAP – where did Mr. Beautiful Blue Eyes disappear too for three days? He will most likely have a great excuse that goes something like:

“I lost my phone and had to replace it”
“I was really busy with work”
“I had to help my sister move”
“I left you a message, didn’t you get it?”

I don’t know about you but when I lose my phone. My life is redirected to the Verizon store in the first five minutes. And even when I’m really busy, it takes all of 15 seconds to fire off a text while I rest on the couch. Didn’t get the message? Ah, no.

To sum up…

Gregg, aren’t you being too cynical? Shouldn’t you give guys the benefit of the doubt? After all, he is paying for dinners and he is has been nothing but a gentlemen. No! No! No! and NO! You are in the early screening process. Lose the rose colored glasses through which you are seeing his beautiful blue eyes and switch back to common sense. Test men that you are dating! If you don’t, you might get burned later. Remember, you are a high value woman and high value women have other options, set boundaries and make guys prove their worth through their actions.

Next week’s blog? 6 tests to prove that he is single!

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Do Your Surroundings Suck?

Are you surrounded by toxic food? Toxic work ethics? Toxic people?

It occurred to me, through my coaching, that many of you cannot get out of your own way, not because you aren’t trying, but because your surroundings are detrimental to your growth. To put it bluntly – your environment sucks!

Hello again, Gregg here to weigh in on this important subject!

I’m sorry, but if your roommate just shoves tacos down her throat while watching reality shows with her loser boyfriend all day, and your Mom calls every afternoon wondering what you are going to do with your life, then it’s time for change. Misery loves company – and it’s time to take a hard look at what is contributing to your own misery.

Change comes from within, but to begin making changes, it is important to surround yourself with a support system that motivates you, not one that holds you back. As part of your new vision and goals, there must be a clause stating how you are going to break free from the “bad company.” And I’m not talking about the 80’s band here.

Talk to your friends and family and get them on board with your goals.

Ask them to support you, and maybe even join you, in reversing weight gain, taking on a new career or in your effort to quit smoking. You will be surprised, when you ask them, just how supportive they can be. If they aren’t, then lose these friends or (in the case of family) limit your exposure to times when you can handle their misery.

Reach out to new people

I talk about having mentors in your life all the time. Go out, find, and follow these people. Make new friends and hang out with the winners. These are the few that share your passions, love to try new things, and have the ability to shut down their electronics for a second to share an actual thought!

Clean out your environment

Unplug the Xbox, clean out the junk food in the cupboards and launch Shaun T’s T25 CD workout, then watch your endorphins dance after this massive calorie-killing workout!

Have your kindle or IPad charged and beside your favorite chair, loaded with my dating books! Set up an area outside so you can get out there during nice weather and do a few activities. Inside, make a few changes that will symbolize the changes to come. Make things brighter and throw some positive sayings up on the wall. Set up a yoga and meditation area!

Conclusion

Your surroundings might be the roadblock to your success. Look around and take inventory. Make sure that your outside, negative influences are minimized, if not gone.  Incorporate these 3 things into your new goals (you are setting new goals, right?) and watch the magic happen!

If you’d like more tips on claring out your cobwebs and building confidence, read Comfortable in Your Own Shoes
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What Does Who You Date Say About You? Part 1

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Your Prescription for Happiness

I am always writing about how to be happier in life, but often, unless something comes from your own heart, it isn’t as powerful as it could be. So how about this: you write your own prescription for happiness. I’ll get you started with an example, but you will need to snatch the pen out of my hand and work your own magic!

My Prescription for Happiness – by Ima Hapy Gurl

As my own personal doctor, I am prescribing myself the following treatment, starting tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. I am doing this because I’ve noticed a slide in my own happiness and confidence. I am complaining more, putting on a little weight and I have lost my energy. My brother’s health and current divorce might have triggered my own sadness so I am going to lead by example.

My personal prescription starting at 8 a.m. tomorrow:

Post one large affirmation on my bathroom mirror that says, “I will be happy ALL day!” Repeat it all day long and let nothing take you down – nothing!
Do one thing that I have never done before: bring my laptop to Starbucks and have my first mocha cappuccino ever. (I have never had one – honestly)
I will work out hard and afterward, I will do 10 minutes of yoga to relax my mind.
I will change my entire diet. Whole foods here I come! That means cleaning out my cupboards of all the crap! I’m allowed one crap day and that is on Sunday IF I stick to my new diet/work out this week.
I will sign up at Meetup.com’s wine tasting event this Friday and see if I can connect with one new friend.
I will drop off one case of cat food to my local shelter. No asking, no calling, just buy it and drop it off!
I will go to the beach and throw some rocks. Not really sure why, I just think it will be fun having a moment with nature

Finally. I will look over my prescription at the end of the day tomorrow and it will lead me right back to being happy because of all the stuff I did! Next up, tomorrow’s list starting with my new affirmation!

And guess what Doc? I feel so much better already!

If you’d like to find more tips on building your confidence, read Comfortable in Your Own Shoes

Buy Comfortable in Your Own Shoes Here!


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9 Bedroom Mistakes You May be Making Without Knowing It

As women, we think about sex differently than men. For us, sex is an emotional experience, while for men, it’s purely physical. We think about sex less often than men do, we take longer to reach orgasm, and we are stimulated in different ways. None of those things are good or bad, they just are. It’s biology and there isn’t much we can do about it. What we can do, though, is fix some things that might be a little bit off.

We Fake Orgasms

This is something most women have done, but that doesn’t mean it is right. Women report having an orgasm about 26% of the time while men report their partner reaching orgasm roughly 45% of the time. Does anyone see an old movie clip here? (think Meg Ryan).

When a woman fakes an orgasm, she is denying herself pleasure. That’s not a good thing, and most men do want to please us, so in addition, we are denying him the information he needs to truly please us. If we fake it, he thinks he’s hitting a home run.

We Get Comfy

While the cami and sweats may be comfy to wear to bed it’s also kind of a buzz-kill. Men are visual, so unless this is the look that turns him on, we’re probably not inspiring him sexually with this outfit. I’m not saying you need to have a drawer full of sexy lingerie, but now and then, heat things up with something that cost more than $4 at Old Navy.

We Engage in Passive Participation

Sex is give and take, a two-person activity. We can’t expect to hop into bed and lie there like robots. We need to be active participants. In order for both people to enjoy sex, both need to gain pleasure out of the activity. If the problem is not being in the mood, we should tell our guy and ask for another time. A high value man will understand.

We’re using the bedroom as a storage unit

Again, men are visual creatures (have you picked up a theme here?). Having a bedroom that looks like a storage unit, with stacks of clothing (clean or dirty), toys heading off to consignment, magazines, books, shoes and purses lying all around does not create the mood conducive to sex. It also isn’t a very relaxing space for sleeping, which can ultimately lead to fatigue and not being in the mood for sex as well. Hop on Pinterest® and find some organization tips and put that mess away.

Assuming that if He Turns You Down for Sex He’s Got Someone on the Side

We should NOT listen to our girlfriends when they tell us this – they’re wrong! Women haven’t got the market cornered on being ‘in’ or ‘out of’ the mood for sex. Men can say they’re ‘not in the mood’, just like we can. It doesn’t mean they have a girlfriend on the side. It doesn’t mean that those pesky 3 pounds have finally turned him off. It means he’s not in the mood. He had a bad day, he’s tired, he doesn’t feel well – it doesn’t matter. He’s not in the mood. Try finding something relaxing to do with him – who knows what will happen – and even if nothing happens, he will appreciate the attentiveness to how he felt.

Hoping that Telling Him EVERYTHING He’s Doing Wrong in Bed will Fix Things

When was the last time you thanked someone for spelling out all of your faults? I’m guessing somewhere between now and never. Men don’t like it either, especially as it relates to sex. Men want to please women sexually – really they do! Rather than giving a guy a list of flaws, try commending the things he does right, and give him some ‘gentle’ guidance when he’s a bit off.

Having said this, another mistake is to go the other way and give too many instructions. This can be overload, and ultimately sends the same message. Gentle guidance and not a 20 point list is the way to go.

We Want to Talk About Our Day

Probably one of the biggest differences between men and women comes in the form of talking, either before or after sex. Men definitely don’t want to have a nice little chit-chat about the day after sex. They’re done, wasted, no energy. Before sex, they need those visual cues, not to rehash your day. In addition, if it’s during the week, both people may have had long work days, followed by having dinner, cleaning it up, putting kids to bed or any number of other routine activities. Talking about the day may take up the last energy both have, leaving everybody too tired to even bother.

We Don’t Keep Our Fingernails to Ourselves

I was surprised to read how often men have actual scratch marks and/or scars from women running their salon-manufactured nails down their man’s back. Unless he’s into this, don’t do this. Avoid any type of sexual ‘marks’ as much as possible. If you just can’t control yourself in the heat of the moment, then get rid of the daggers.

We Ignore Good Hygiene

Nobody wants to go to bed with the smelly girl. It only takes a few minutes to hop in the shower and brush your teeth. If you have time to spritz on his favorite cologne, BONUS! By the same token, don’t go to bed with rough stubble or sandpaper for feet. I know, I hear you – all of that takes time, but it’s worth it to please your man. Besides, you and I both know that you feel better when all of that is right in your world anyway!

Final Thoughts

I realize that there are things men do that drive us nuts too, but that’s for a different post. The point here can be boiled down to a couple of things really. An intimate relationship between two people works best when both of them communicate, are considerate of one another and take good care of themselves.

If you’d like more tips on keeping your guy, read Who Holds the Cards Now
Buy Who Holds the Cards Now Here!


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The Role of Confidence in Dating

If you read any of Gregg’s books, or many of the blog posts or pages on this site, you see the word “confidence” quite often, and you’re probably wondering why on earth we harp on confidence so much. It’s Kirbie today, and I’m going to start off by clearly defining what confidence is:

Confidence is knowing what you are good at, what kind of value you bring to other people, and being able to behave in a way that conveys your confidence to those around you.

Don’t confuse confidence with arrogance – something that is easy to do! Arrogance comes about when you believe you are better at something than you really are, but you act as if you’re providing more value than you really are. Confidence is hot. Arrogance is not.

Studies have shown that men are more attracted to the confidence a woman exudes with a smile than they may be to her overall attractiveness.

In the study cited above, men and women were both found to prefer a confident partner. Confidence makes a person seem more trustworthy – in other words, when you’re confident, men will believe your dating sales pitch!

Here are a few ways you may unknowingly be showing your lack of confidence
Giving reasons for things that happen

Let’s say you are walking up to meet your new guy and you trip over something. Someone who lacks confidence will immediately begin with “There must be a bump in the carpet there!.” A confident person will probably chuckle and say “oh well” IF they say anything at all!

Giving reasons for poor performance

Imagine you and your guy are out on a bowling date – you manage to bowl a 75. Your man may say something like – “Wow 75! You’re like a bowling pro!” Whether it’s a high score for you or a low score, a low confidence individual may say something like “Weeelllllll I had a blister on my thumb and my shoes were too tight”. Someone who has great confidence will probably say something like “YAY ME!”, IF they say anything at all! I might note that this type of criticism from him shows his lack of confidence!

Compensating for Inabilities

Nobody, and I mean nobody, is good at everything, despite their desire to be. A person who lacks confidence expects herself to be good at everything and tries to compensate when confronted. For example, let’s say one of your girlfriends says “Girl you look really beat today!” If you’re a confident individual, you may just say “Yea I had a rough night” or something like that. A person who lacks confidence might say “I’m never tired! I don’t need sleep!”

Body Language is Everything

We’ve all heard about using body language to our best advantage. This goes for confidence as well. That arms-folded, legs crossed body language not only shows you as being closed off, it indicates a lack of confidence. Confident people reserve this position for when they’re absolutely freezing OR they have been offended. It really says something when you use it right!

Perfectionism

This kind of goes back to our poor performance above. Perfectionists don’t feel that they can ever make a mistake. This is a dangerous mindset. It can cause you much turmoil and stress. It can even be debilitating to some individuals. Facing an environment where failure may occur can be paralyzing for some folks. This goes back to not having enough confidence to believe in your abilities to overcome mistakes. Confident people know mistakes are part of life. Rather than sweat mistakes, they realize that a mistake is a learning opportunity and they move on.

Inability to Accept a Compliment

If someone pays you a compliment, how do you react? Do you get embarrassed and uncomfortable? If so, this shows a lack of confidence. The confident person will hear a compliment and simply say “Thank you”. Nothing more, nothing less.

Maintaining Eye Contact

If you lack confidence, you probably find it difficult to maintain eye contact with someone. In a relationship, this can be very detrimental as maintaining eye contact helps build intimacy and shows you are paying attention. When you don’t want to maintain eye contact, you are really indicating that you don’t want someone to look too far past your façade.

Decision Making

I once knew someone who took more than a year to buy a car. At the time, I couldn’t understand it, but now I get it. Poor guy (still) can’t make a decision to save his life. This is a typical experience for people who lack confidence. They don’t believe in their ability to make a decision about even the most basic things, so the biggies, like a car, can be paralyzing.

This list of signs is not complete, but these are the highlights. Look through and think honestly about your own life. Do you do any of these things? You don’t have to do all of them, and I think most of us can see ourselves in one of them, but the trick now is to identify whether or not you do lack confidence, so that as you build your confidence back up, you will see it in your actions – and so will others!

If you’d like to get more help with your confidence, read Comfortable in Your Own Shoes

Buy Comfortable in Your Own Shoes Here!


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