Gregg Michaelsen's Blog, page 2

Is Getting Back with an Ex After Years Even Possible?

Breakups are very hard on people, generally speaking. But worse yet, at least according to some, is what’s called relationship churning.

This is when you break up, then get back together. Then you break up and get back together, and you continue in that cycle until what’s usually an inevitable break.

I thought today, I’d look into this question – is getting back with an ex after years even possible? And beyond that, is it a good idea?

Is Getting Back with an Ex After Years Even Possible?

To answer this question, let’s look at some statistics first, because by possible, I mean – is it feasible – will it work?

Psychology calls a relationship where you break up and get back together – once – as ‘on again’ relationships, so we’ll use their language.

The statistics I found multiple times tell me that about 40-50% of couples who break up will get back together at some point, but there a few factors involved, such as the reason for the breakup, and the reunion, and the amount of effort you’re willing to put into the reconciliation.

The bad news is that roughly 70% of the couples who reunite will not stay together.

So, if we use a nice round number like 100, we can assume that maybe 50 will get back together, but of those 50 couples who get back together, only 15 of them will remain together.

Basically, you have a 15% chance of your reconciliation working.

Still, I’m not here to discourage you. I’d rather help you gain the best chance of getting back together, if that’s what you want.

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Why Relationship Churning Never Works

Relationship churning is when you and a partner break up and make up in a continuous cycle. It’s an on-again, off-again cycle that continues over time.

There are many negative effects of relationship churning, as well as one big reason why it doesn’t work.

Why Relationship Churning Doesn’t Work

You break up with someone, and then two weeks later, maybe less, you’re back together. Everything is glorious for about a week, and then you break up again, and so goes the cycle.

The reason the reconciliations aren’t working is because you aren’t changing anything.

When you break up, the relationship was broken somewhere. By simply getting back together shortly after, you aren’t acknowledging, let alone fixing anything that went wrong.

Instead, you’re just repeating a cycle with the exact same two people.

I’ll talk more in a bit about how to make a reconciliation work. For now, know that this never works and it’s because nothing has changed. The problem wasn’t addressed or fixed and neither of you made any changes in yourselves either.

Negative Impacts of Relationship Churning

How can it be bad for you to break up with someone and get back together, repeatedly?

Breakups are Emotionally Difficult

There is a lot of psychological distress that comes with a breakup. A lot of this depends on how nicely you break up.

But I ask you, when was the last time you experienced a breakup where you both kindly sat down and said, “Hey. I’ve screwed up and I think I need to leave you so you can find someone better. It’s all me, Babe and I’m sorry.”

Ya. Sometime just past never, right?

People allow all of their hurt and pain to bubble up and explode out of their mouths during a breakup. Each partner blames the other for all of the things that went wrong, and it can become a truly ugly scene.

Then, you go back to your corners and internalize everything the other person said:

He’s right, I am selfishI know I need to lose weight; he was right to call me fatHe sees right through me – I am difficult to live with

Now, your self image has declined.

And then, you get back together. But those thoughts don’t magically leave because you got back together. They simmer, just below the surface, haunting your thoughts and causing your self-esteem to decline more and more.

Then, you break up again and new ugly words were said, plus some of the old favorites and those are internalized too.

It’s an ugly cycle that does nothing for your self-esteem except damage it.

Relationship Churning May be a Sign of a Commitment Issue

There may be deeper issues at play when someone is relationship churning. The churn may be one-sided. He breaks up with you, then he comes crying back, just when you feel like you’re ready to move on. He begs you to come back, so you do, because those old feelings are still stirring.

Then he blindsides you again, breaking up. And so goes the cycle.

What could be happening is that he fears commitment. He might want to be in a relationship, but when the idea of a long-term commitment gets real, his fear overrides any sense of love that he has. He bolts and runs.

Then, he has regrets and the cycle continues.

Meanwhile, he may be blaming this on you as well, so the psychological distress from above is also happening.

You May Commit Less to the Reconciliations

After a couple of these on-again, off-again cycles, you may find yourself guarded. This is likely to lead you to be more cautious, giving less of yourself – waiting for the relationship to end again.

If you aren’t as emotionally invested, you can’t get hurt, right? So, you commit to the reconciliation a little less. Of course, this doesn’t help it move forward, and the ending you’re waiting for inevitably happens.

You’re Unhappy in the Relationship

If you’re honest with yourself in this type of relationship, you realize that you aren’t as happy. All of the impacts we’re talking about are testimony to why.

People who are in these types of relationships report less relationship satisfaction, so why do they do it?

Sadly, I fear that many times, it’s because they fear nobody else will want them. This comes from the low self-esteem and low self-worth that’s happening each time there’s a breakup.

The Relationship Suffers from Poor Communication

Imagine you’re with this person you just broke up with, but you took him back. While you were apart, you know that he was saying ugly things to his friends about you.

Why would you bear your soul to someone who will just use what you say as ammo against you next time?

Additionally, if you had great communication to begin with, you wouldn’t be caught in this cycle because you’d be able to discuss your problems calmly and come to a resolution.

And lastly, poor communication includes a lack of listening. The ugly arguments that may be happening probably include shouting, and if you’re shouting, you aren’t listening.

It’s Extremely Hard on the Children

This is not fair to do to children, whether the two of you share kids or you each have your own.

When children meet partners of their parents, they either love or hate them. When they love the partner, then lose that person in their lives, it’s a devastating loss and brings a feeling of abandonment.

To repeat this cycle over and over teaches kids not to become attached to people because they don’t stay in your life.

These kids will have attachment issues later in life.

How Can You Work to Make Your Reconciliation Last?

There are things you can do to make sure that if you decide to get back with an ex, you have the best chance of success.

Make Sure You’re a Confident Woman with High Self-Esteem

In order to avoid many relationship problems, like jealousy, it’s important that you’re a confident woman.

Confidence is sexy for sure, but having confidence in your relationship is also like putting on armor against the dumb stuff that breaks people up.

No Boundaries

For example, without confidence, you may have difficulty establishing and maintaining boundaries. One way this presents itself is in having sex too soon with someone new, and yes, this includes someone you’re getting back together with.

Boundaries are things confident people put in place to protect themselves from other people’s negative behavior. You should be not allowing a man to have sex with you until he’s proven himself worthy of you. That’s not a first, second, or even fifth date thing.

Another boundary may be in how you’re treated. It’s perfectly reasonable to have a boundary that a man won’t put his hands on you in violence. The very minute he does, BAM, he’s gone, and you don’t take him back. That’s a boundary.

When you lack confidence, boundaries scare you. If you refuse to have sex with a guy on the first date, you fear he won’t come back, and maybe he won’t. What you fail to understand is that if he leaves because of that, it’s all he really wanted in the first place. He wasn’t looking for anything other than getting laid.

You Aren’t Yourself

When you lack confidence and self-esteem, you aren’t yourself around others. Instead, you’re who you think they want you to be. You might be really upbeat and chipper around your friends, but when you get home and shed that persona, you’re depressed and discouraged.

Nobody sees the real you.

And we do it in relationships too. Maybe you met this guy online, or you’ve prowled on his social media account before your first date. You know he’s outdoorsy, but you aren’t, so you pretend to be.

In fact, you pretend to the point of agreeing to go with him on some outdoor adventure, like kayaking or a hike through the woods.

And you’re both terrified and dreading the experience. You aren’t outdoorsy. You hate bugs and don’t like being outside.

So, you go on the adventure, or worse, you cancel at the last minute when the fear takes over.

A confident woman doesn’t pretend to be someone she isn’t, and she doesn’t allow fear to stop her from doing things that may be scary. Sure, this confident woman may not be outdoorsy, but she’s willing to try it once, knowing that, at the very least, it’s an experience she can add to her story.

You’re Overly Sensitive

It’s fine to be sensitive. What isn’t okay is to be so sensitive that whenever anyone says anything even remotely negative to you, you fall to pieces, feeling rejected and hurt.

This hurt and rejection might cause you to snap at your partner, even if he wasn’t the one to hurt you originally. This pain cuts deep and the only way you feel like you can deal with it is to lash out.

You Don’t Communicate Your Needs

Someone with low confidence and low self-esteem isn’t going to communicate their needs for fear of rejection.

You wouldn’t dream of asking him for a favor, or to do something differently. Perhaps you need to take your mother to an appointment, but this conflicts with something else you needed to do. With confidence, you could ask your partner to help you resolve the timing conflict by doing something for you. Without confidence, you’ll never ask.

Poor communication damages relationships in a multitude of ways. Each partner may feel a sense of loneliness and resentment, partly because of needs going unmet, and in part because they don’t have someone to truly talk to.

With good communication and confidence, you aren’t afraid to share your vulnerabilities. You’re willing to talk about your needs and ask to have them met.

Jealousy and Insecurity Rear Their Ugly Heads

When you have low confidence and self-esteem, you don’t believe you are capable of and deserve a good relationship.

You may have a history of abandonment from your childhood, or a string of breakups, either of which will leave you always waiting for someone else to leave.

What happens next is that any time your guy even glances in the direction of another woman, you’re jealous.

What does she have that I don’t?

Probably nothing.

I knew a woman whose boyfriend battled this type of insecurity. She would go to get ice cream or coffee with a friend, and he would drive by to check and see if that’s really where she said she was.

She ended the relationship because of his insecurity. Nobody wants to be on the other side of jealousy and insecurity. It stinks.

But you can’t help yourself. The person feeling these insecurities is so fearful of losing another relationship that they pretty much guarantee an ending by their jealous behavior.

Don’t See it as a Continuation of the Old Relationship

If you reconcile with someone, whether it’s after two weeks or two years, it’s important to realize that this is a new relationship, not a continuation of the old one.

The old relationship was broken. Why would you want to continue it?

No. You don’t.

What you want to do instead is build a new relationship, based on who you are now. Since we’re talking about a reconciliation that occurs after years, there is a strong possibility that you are both very different people.

You need to get reacquainted with one another. Sure, you’ve seen his social media posts and you know what he’s been up to, but you still need to get to know who he is today.

And that’s what dating is for.

I don’t recommend that you do these things too soon:

Move in togetherHave sexStart talking about marriage

Those are things that this new relationship is not yet ready for. You may decide to date one another again and determine that the new versions of both of you don’t mix so well after all, and that’s okay.

Again. That’s what dating is for – to see if you fit.

If you go into this with expectations of marriage and children, you may be disappointed. Instead, date. Go out and do things you enjoy. Go hiking, bowling, to a movie, or whatever it is you enjoy doing together.

Spend time getting to know these new versions of each other.

Most importantly, take your time. Going too quickly or having expectations that are too high will only result in things going badly. Be patient. If it’s meant to be, it’ll come along.

Make Sure You Know Why the Original Relationship Ended

Even if your relationship ended years ago, know the why. What happened that drove the two of you apart.

This might take some soul searching, and that’s ok. The important thing is to recognize where things derailed so you can determine if those same problems still exist.

With confidence, you can eliminate a lot of problems – from your side of the equation. But what about your ex? Has he changed? Is he more confident? Do you think the problems of before will become problems again?

If you don’t examine this now, even if you’ve both changed for the better, your new relationship will have problems. You need to figure out what happened so you can avoid those mistakes in the future.

Be Sure About Your Reasons for Wanting to Get Back Together

There are reasons that aren’t good ones when it comes to getting back together.

One is for the kids.

Please don’t do this to children. The most difficult time for kids whose parents are divorced or separated isn’t after the separation occurs but before, when all of the tension and arguing is going on. That is what stresses the kids out.

Don’t put them through that again. Please.

Another is just plain loneliness. It’s okay to be alone. In fact, when you’re alone, it’s a great time to work on that confidence.

But you may miss having someone in your life.

Don’t get back together with someone just to avoid feeling alone. It simply isn’t a good enough reason.

Still another reason not to get back together is because you feel badly that you broke up and hurt someone’s feelings.

This is all good and well, but an apology can accomplish the same thing without sending you into another disaster.

Why are You Still Drawn to Your Ex?

Why is it that you want your ex back so badly after so much time has passed?

A study conducted in 2025, so a really new one, tells us that it takes as long as 4.18 years to reach the halfway point in dissolving your emotional bond to your ex. In other words, four years from a breakup, you still feel an emotional attachment to him.

Isn’t that something?!

One factor in how long it takes to break the emotional bond is whether you remain in contact. People who share children will likely remain in contact. You see him changing. He sees you changing.

I know a couple who broke up just after their third child was born. The little girl is now seven and her daddy desperately wants to reunite with her mother.

But Mom isn’t interested. He argues that he’s changed, and he has. But so has she. She became incredibly independent, and while she struggles financially, she likes her independence.

The study did show that parents who share children often break their emotional bond sooner than those who don’t have children. I find that surprising, but you can’t deny that the study showed this.

The last factor that impacted how long the bond remained was anxiety. Those who experience higher levels of anxiety held onto their emotional bond longer.

Wrapping Up Getting Back with an Ex After Years

I can’t guess what has you considering a reconciliation, but what I do know is that the process can be long and will require quite some effort.

I’m not saying that to deter you, but to give you a realistic view of whether this is possible.

Remember that to be the most successful in your reconciliation:

At least one of you needs to change, preferably bothGo slowlyTreat this as a new relationship, not a continuation of the old oneYou can’t pick up where you left off…the only starting point is at the beginningGet to know the new version of him and let him get to know this new version of youKnow what went wrong in the last relationship, but not so you can blame one another – so you know what may need to be fixedAvoid relationship churning at all costs – it won’t get you anywhere!

If you decide to try to renew an old relationship, then I wish you the very best of luck! Just be sure to position yourself for success before you start.

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Long Distance Relationships Can Work

Long distance relationships can work, contrary to what many people believe. Of course they have their challenges, but so do traditional relationships. Proximity in terms of miles is not a precursor for relationship success or failure.

Back in the day, long-distance relationships (LDRs) were more challenging because there was no Internet, no Facetime, no Zoom. There was no easy and inexpensive way to communicate with your loved one.

If you wanted to call, you needed to be prepared to pay the long-distance phone bill that would result. Today, you can call anywhere in the world without it costing more than your monthly phone bill.

We’ve come a long way, baby.

Not only that, but the possibility of meeting great people has opened up with the dozens, if not hundreds of online dating services that are available now. You can meet anyone in the world.

So what challenges are unique to long-distance relationships? Is it true that long-distance relationships can work, or are they destined for failure based on distance alone? How can you ensure that your LDR will withstand the test of distance?

Summary: There are challenges to any relationship, but the challenges to today’s long-distance relationship are different from those twenty years ago. Today, instead of struggling to pay just to communicate, couples must balance busier than ever work schedules, the expense of travel, unrealistic expectations, and building intimacy from a distance. However, when you go into an LDR viewing it as a challenge from the start, are you creating a bigger problem or being realistic?

What are the Challenges of an LDR?Long Distance Relationships Can Work With the Right Expectations

When you’re able to see and chat with someone on the daily, you share all of the most mundane aspects of your life, as well as the big stuff. It all gets lumped into the daily conversation.

How are you today, babe?

Oh, I’m ok. I have a bit of a headache but I’m sure it’ll go away.

Great. Are we still on for dinner at The Pub later?

Sure! I’m in. Can’t wait!!

But when you only see your partner once a month, you don’t want to waste time on the mundane. Your expectation may be that when you arrive at his condo, he’ll have candles flitting in the dimly lit room, a romantic dinner, and a magical evening planned.

Still, when you arrive, he’s just gotten home himself from a long day at work. He hasn’t even thought about dinner, let alone had time to go to those lengths. He’s exhausted from a long week of work, and you’re exhausted from work, then travel.

All the two of you want to do is flop on the sofa with some Chinese takeout and a Netflix binge. The weekend flies by and before you know it, you’re back home in your own condo, wondering where the magic was.

The truth is that even though your relationship is long-distance, life still marches on to its regular beat. You both still have chores and things to do on those weekends when you’re hosting your significant other. While a magical evening sounds great, it isn’t always practical.

Jealousy and Infidelity

When you’re in an LDR, it’s so easy to allow your imagination to run wild when you’re apart, and even when you’re together.

You’ve come to town for a visit, and he wants to take you to this great new little hole-in-the-wall place he’s discovered, so you go.

Immediately, your jealousy hackles rise up as the hostess is very very friendly towards your beau.

Hey Gregg, it’s so great to see you again. Same table? It’s available.

WTHeck is going on??? She knows his first name? He has a table?

Now, when you’re not together, you wonder what he’s up to. Is he back there? Is she flirting with him again? Clearly she likes him. Anyone can see that!

The truth might be that good old Gregg isn’t that much into cooking and he prefers to eat out. This place has a lot of the same types of foods he ate as a child and it makes him feel at home. It has nothing to do with the pretty girl at the entrance.

It may also be that Gregg is a social being who enjoys the personal touches that this little place brings. He’s new to town and he really enjoys finding these new friends. You can’t be his only friend in life, especially if he is a social type.

Is infidelity a possibility? Sure it is, but that’s true of any relationship, not just an LDR. Just because he likes that the hostess knows his name doesn’t mean he’s willing to share other things with her…like his bed.

Financial Strain

This one is obvious and is true of relationships today and twenty years ago. In fact, with the cost of travel today, it may be even more challenging than it was back then.

It may be that you can’t afford to take three days off of work every other week to go, especially if you work an hourly job or you don’t get the same days off as your partner.

The truth is that you must budget for visits, and this is true regardless of which side of the travel you’re on. As you saw in the part about expectations, you may feel a strong need to make his weekend with you unforgettable.

This might mean going the extra mile for meals, sprucing up your apartment, maybe even getting a new outfit to wow him. None of these things are really necessary, mind you, because he loves you for you, not your stuff or your wardrobe, but still, I get it.

And even just the extra miles of travel, whether by car, train, or plane, can be expensive. Sure, you can get frequent flyer miles for flying but that doesn’t loosen the immediate grip on your wallet.

Long Distance Relationships Can Work With Boundaries

When you’re in a long-distance relationship, you’re sort of living two separate lives when you’re apart. He has his work and friends, and you have yours. These lives are happening while you’re apart from one another.

So, when one visits the other, jealousy can erupt. Not so much over potential infidelity, but just the life being lived without the other partner.

You sit at a bar with your beau and he and his friends are all chuckling over something that happened the last time they got together. But you weren’t there, and you feel left out and jealous of his fun times without you.

It’s possible you even feel like he spends too much time with his friends when you’re around. Shouldn’t he be spending all of his time with you? You’re there for such a short time after all.

It might feel like there are no boundaries – no limit to how he spends his time when he’s with you. This is just like any other weekend he has when you aren’t there.

Not Recognizing Real Problems or Blowing Problems Up

Real problems occur in long-distance relationships, and they’re handled in one of three ways.

The first is that you recognize the problem and work on fixing it in a healthy way, having calm and honest conversations with one another about a potential solution to the problem.

The second is that you ignore the problem, attributing it to the distance or the stress of being apart. It’ll be no big deal when you’re together.

The third is that you blow it way out of proportion and make it a much bigger deal than it really is, causing friction and unnecessary stress in the relationship.

Questions About Relationship Status

When you can’t really see someone regularly, you may make assumptions about whether he’s as committed to the relationship as you are. It’s difficult to read someone’s body language over Facetime or Zoom, and definitely over texts.

Insecurity can cause all kinds of unfounded problems and make you feel like you’re in a constant state of almost losing him.

The problem is that boosting your insecurities, for him, can be tedious and not worth it. He feels like he’s doing everything he can to show you that he cares, but it’s never enough.

Your perception is that he isn’t showing you enough that he cares and his perception is that he’s doing a fine job of it.

Long Distance Relationships Can Work with Great Communication

Probably the biggest problem relationships can have, close or long-distance is communication. I’d like to say it’s a bigger problem in long-distance relationships, and maybe it really is, but from where I sit as a dating coach, I’d say any relationship is at risk.

Some challenges are different, but many are the same.

Oversharing

For example, communicating by text all day long leaves you nothing to talk about when you either Facetime one another later or see each other face to face. You’ve already dribbled all of the bits and pieces of your day to one another. Messages seen and replied to.

So, what’s left to talk about? A stiff silence rests between you until one of you finds something to fill the void.

Varying Communication Styles

Another challenge is the communication styles of men and women. You already know this exists but maybe not why. Men use few words and use them effectively. Every word is important. Just the facts ma’am.

Women use many words, most of which carry emotion and not a lot of fact. You may write him a twelve-line text about something really important, but all he sees is twelve lines and he imagines that nothing good comes from that much of a text. He ignores it and waits a few hours to reply.

Or worse yet, he simply says, “okay” and this infuriates you.

Our Inability to Listen

Other communication problems come from our inability to listen. Listening is a skill that it seems like most people do not have. Instead of truly listening to someone, we’re already formulating our response, a response that will best whatever it is the other person is saying.

You climbed up the rock wall at the rec? Pfffft I climbed a real rock last summer. And off you go. While he was talking about how he overcame a tremendous fear of heights by doing this, you’re already besting him, not even listening.

Fighting From a Distance

Probably the biggest no-no of a long-distance relationship is picking a fight while you’re apart. It’s too easy to text or email hurtful things because you can’t see the face of the person you’re speaking to. It’s impersonal.

It’s also not a fair fight. You might send a text and he’s in the middle of an important work meeting. He either sees your angry text and he loses focus in the meeting, or he ignores the text, maybe even has his phone silenced, and doesn’t see it for hours.

Now, you’re upset because he didn’t reply as soon as you thought he should have, and you’ve added to your anger.

It’s okay to be upset with someone but fight fair. Hold off the conversation for when you can at least talk on Facetime if not in person. This allows cooler heads to be present for working on the problem. You’ve had time to think about things, and you can be more reasonable in the discussion of the problem.

Long Distance Relationships Can Work, Right? What Does Science Say?

My associate, Kirbie, loves to do research and she did some on this topic for us. Unfortunately, there isn’t a lot of science on this topic that is recent enough to account for the newer technology that couples can use to maintain closeness.

Still, some of the research that’s a little older tells us that long-distance relationships have no greater chance of breaking up than relationships of closer proximity. The overall consensus is that a relationship is a relationship, regardless of distance.

The challenges mentioned above are more common challenges of LDR’s but many of those are also challenges of closer relationships too.

Perhaps It’s More About Perspective and Other Factors

I’m a firm believer that we think our way into how situations will play out.

For example, a person who lacks confidence is more likely to anticipate jealousy, not because their partner shows signs of looking for someone else, but because they don’t believe that they’re lovable and can enjoy a happy relationship.

This is something that is true of any relationship.

It’s also possible that your expectations are negative right from the start.

This will never work out.

I can’t imagine being in a relationship where I can’t see him every day.

Long distance relationships are hard.

These are called limiting beliefs, and they can have a serious impact on the outcomes we experience. You might even call them self-fulfilling prophecies. You end up getting what you expected to get.

Long distance relationships can work when the circumstances are right.

Many people in LDRs experience very satisfying relationships, so they can’t be impossible. These people don’t cheat, don’t feel jealousy, and have the right expectations of how their in-person visits will go.

How Close-Proximity Relationships Struggle

Just for fun, let’s take a moment to examine how people in closer proximity relationships can struggle with the same issues.

Expectations

While you get to see your guy more often, in a close proximity relationship, you still have expectations of special dates. Perhaps these are singled out for special occasions like Valentine’s Day or anniversaries, but there are still expectations.

And these expectations can go unmet just as easily. You think he’ll plan out some elaborate Valentine’s Day experience and the truth is that like many men, he’s standing at the grocery store at lunchtime scavenging for the best card from the well picked over selection.

He stops on his way home and grabs a bouquet of flowers – one of just a few left and runs home to meet you for the date. This is the truth about how many men to holidays and anniversaries.

If you don’t believe me, sit in a grocery store parking lot between five and six o’clock on any given day. You’ll see numerous men, sometimes with kids in tow, coming out with a bouquet of flowers and a couple of grocery bags of goodies.

So, nothing really different here except that the expectations might be a little different.

Jealousy and Infidelity

This is definitely not exclusive to LDR’s. This is more common for people who lack confidence and/or self-esteem.

There is either a belief that you aren’t capable of a great relationship, therefore your guy will ultimately cheat on you and leave. Or there’s a belief that you don’t deserve a great relationship and it’s just a matter of time before this one ends, just like the others.

Distance isn’t the problem here. Confidence and self-esteem are the real issues.

Financial Strain

While it’s true that a closer proximity relationship doesn’t have the challenge of travel expenses, there are other expenses associated with life in general that can still play a role.

This can be especially true of people who are financially irresponsible, spending more than they make, not saving, and so on.

Financial strain is something people should work out before they get into a relationship. A hallmark of a great man is one who is financially solid, and he will shy away from women who exhibit financial irresponsibility.

This means that two financially irresponsible people are more likely to find one another, thus creating a bigger problem.

Are you Counting the Days until you see your guy again? Do you wish for a long distance relationship that felt as if it could go that distance? This book helps you learn ways in which you can make the most of your time apart. You’ll learn new ways to communicate and share time together, even when you’re apart. It’s a great book for helping you find the answers to the probing questions people seem to have no problem asking.

You can learn more about the book here or you can buy it now by clicking one of the buttons below.

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Challenges with boundaries exist in close proximity relationships as well. They often just relate to different problems.

A lack of boundaries is often a problem of low confidence also. Are you seeing a theme here that has nothing to do with distance?

People who have no boundaries often do so because they are insecure in their ability to build and maintain relationships.

If I say no, he’ll leave me.

If I tell him I don’t want to have sex on the first date, he won’t call back.

Someone whose standards are that low isn’t worth dating anyway. Any man would most likely love to have sex too early with a woman he finds attractive. The difference is that a great man may want to have sex, but he’ll wait until he realizes he’s earned that place in her life.

A confident woman will have that boundary to keep players out of her bed.

Not Recognizing Problems or Blowing Problems Up

This isn’t unique to LDR’s either. People put blinders on when it comes to problems, often letting them simmer to a boiling point.

For some, it’s a desire to avoid conflict. For others, it’s a fear of losing the other person. And for others still, it might be an inability to deal with problems in an appropriate way.

Sometimes, we just aren’t raised to manage problems, so we don’t know how. Our parents argued and that’s what we know.

And then there’s blowing problems out of proportion. Both men and women are great at this, and distance doesn’t matter here either.

Other factors might. When we’re stressed or anxious, problems feel bigger. Problems that are left unresolved for too long are also bigger, either by imagination or avoidance.

For example, not having enough money to pay the rent might be a small problem you can overcome in the first month, but left unresolved for several months, becomes a bigger problem as you fall further and further behind.

So this one isn’t unique to LDR’s either.

Questions About Relationship Status

This is most definitely not an LDR only problem.

Wait for it…it’s a confidence problem.

People who lack confidence and self-esteem often spend a lot of time questioning their relationship status, for the same reasons they get jealous and suspect infidelity.

You can see your guy every day and still question your relationship status. He might not respond to a text as quickly as you think he should, so you immediately assume he wants to break up with you.

Perhaps he’s been tired from work lately, but you view it as a lack of interest in you and fear he’s about to bolt.

The problem is that every time you question the relationship status, which he thinks, or thought anyway, was fine, you put a little pin prick into the relationship. An annoying little pinch for him that builds over time.

Before you know it, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy – you expect him to want to break up, so you question him all of the time about his dedication to you, and due to the constant pressure, he decides he’s had enough, and he leaves.

Which is what you were expecting him to do all along.

Communication

Ahh communication. There isn’t anything new I can say here. Everything I said above holds for close proximity relationships too.

You don’t need distance to have poor communication in a relationship.

Poor communication is present in many relationships, romantic, business, and personal. People who have ineffective communication styles can be challenging to speak to. Other people, many in fact, have very poor listening skills.

These challenges cause problems no matter where you live or how far apart.

Long Distance Relationships Can Work

Yes, it’s true. Long distance relationships can work, for the same reasons that close proximity relationships can work.

Two people who are confident with high self-esteem will enjoy very happy and satisfying relationship, regardless of where they live.

The challenges of distance are easier to overcome when you have the confidence to avoid some of the common pitfalls.

There are different strategies you can use to build an LDR versus a closer proximity relationship for sure, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It’s just different.

Be sure to read about Long Distance Relationship Activities here!

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How to Overcome Relationship Trust Issues

You want to trust him, really you do, but the relationship trust issues between you feel insurmountable. How can you overcome this and build a bright and wonderful relationship? Let’s find out!

Why Trust is So Important

Before we get into the how, I always like to dig into the why. Why is trust such an important piece of a great relationship?

There are two sides to trust in a relationship. The first is you, your behavior and any issues you may bring to the table. The second is your partner and his behaviors, added to whatever residual issues he might bring along.

Trust Forms a Solid Foundation

As children, we trust our parents to provide for our needs, both physical and emotional. We also trust them to have our backs, guide us through life, and help us safely learn some of those difficult lessons life teaches.

But sometimes kids have parents who fail in their task. They don’t provide – maybe even aren’t present in the child’s life at all. The trust a child should inherently have in someone who supposedly loves them is eroded and the child quickly learns that people can’t be trusted.

That relationship never feels like it’s on solid ground. You never know what’s coming at you next or who, if anyone, will have your back. A bully chases after you at school, but you know nobody at home cares, so you fight back instead. In fact, you may find that you’re always fighting back, even when it seems unnecessary.

Relationship trust issues erode any sense of safety you wish to feel. Instead of feeling like your partner is someone you can share everything with, you feel you can’t share anything with him. Will he make fun of you? Is he likely to go off and tell someone who may want to retaliate?

But relationship trust issues also cause you to be in a continuous state of worry. Is he cheating on me? Did he put money into our bank account, or did he drink it all away? What kind of mood will he be in when he gets home? Should I find somewhere else to be or brave it? Some trust issues are warranted.

With trust, you can share your vulnerabilities and fragilities. You build intimacy in those moments. You feel safe and comforted knowing your partner will stand up for you no matter what!

Your Communication is Better

Poor communication is a relationship killer, and a big part of poor communication is relationship trust issues.

Why would you communicate honestly with someone you don’t trust? It’s like telling the biggest gossip in town your most valuable secrets, then being surprised when everyone knows in three days.

In relationships with good communication, trust is also present. You feel comfortable speaking freely because you know your partner is listening. It’s easier to be open and honest with him since you know he won’t immediately be judgmental.

Imagine being able to share your deepest fears with your partner, and instead of judgment, you know that he will wrap his warm arms around you, figuratively or literally, and comfort you. You know that he will help you overcome those fears, not make fun of you for them.

You Can Forgive and Forget

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts I think there is for humans. People think that if they forgive someone, they make whatever happened okay.

That isn’t what forgiveness is about.

When you hold onto anger, the cliché is that you’re allowing them to live rent free in your head. The anger follows you around like a lost puppy, always nagging, always present.

When you forgive someone, including yourself, you aren’t saying that what happened is okay. You’re saying that you aren’t going to allow what happened to overtake your life. You’re willing to let it go and move forward.

The benefits of forgiveness can’t be ignored:

Reduced stress and anxietyFeeling less depressedHigher self-esteemAn increased sense of optimismImproved communicationThe ability to form stronger bondsResilienceThe ability to feel empathy and compassionBeing able to move forwardIncreased heart healthLower blood pressureHealthier immune system

WOW! That’s a lot of great benefits to forgiveness. Conversely, when you can’t forgive, or refuse to forgive, you may experience:

Being stuck in the pastHigher stress and anxietyUnhealthy relationshipsTrust issuesWeakened immune systemHigher blood pressure and poor heart health

Personally, I’d prefer the benefits of forgiveness. The great thing is that you don’t need to tell the person who hurt you that you forgive them. Write them a letter of forgiveness, then burn it or shred it.

Forgiveness is for you, not someone else. It’s giving yourself permission to let go of the hurt and boot that person out of your headspace.

Improved Health

You just read how forgiveness improves your health. When you carry around stress and anxiety for any reason, your body is in a constant state of fight or flight and the hormones associated with that are continuously flowing through your body.

They do physical damage to your heart and immune system with prolonged exposure.

By solving relationship trust issues, you reduce the stress in your relationship and allow that fight or flight mode to subside. You feel calmer in general, in addition to feeling supported and secure.

Studies show that people who are in trusting relationships enjoy better physical and emotional health.

Your Relationship Withstands Difficult Tests

Every relationship is tested from time to time, whether it’s the challenge of new stages of life, life-changing accidents, or even illnesses. How well you overcome those challenges speaks to whether there are relationship trust issues between you.

I know a young family with four children who all just found out that the father of the family has incurable cancer and less than six months to live.

Without trust between Joseph and Amy, it would be difficult for him to feel safe and secure in his present state. He must put all of his trust in his wife, not just for his own care, but for the care of their four young children.

This is, by far, the most difficult test any relationship faces, and unfortunately, the end result of the test is death for Joseph. But Joseph can rest in peace knowing that his children will be well cared for by their mother. He can navigate each day of his disease knowing that she is providing the best care for him that she’s capable of.

Many other relationship tests aren’t so dramatic, and yet, they may still test the foundation of your relationship. Good people make mistakes, and those mistakes can really test you, and may even cause those relationship trust issues.

That’s why it’s so important to keep open lines of communication and be wiling to forgive. It helps keep those trust issues from eroding completely.

How do You Know if You Have Trust Issues?

Trust is most simply defined as believing that the other person in the relationship is honest and reliable. You know you can depend on him no matter what because he makes you feel safe and secure.

But if there are trust issues, you might experience or feel some of these things.

You Always Assume the Worst

Relationship trust issues force you to always be on the defensive. He got home an hour late. Was he with another woman? Was he out drinking when he said he would stop?

Your partner may not have ever done those things before, but your trust issues have you questioning everything and assuming the worst.

It also shows up in waiting to see what someone wants from you if you ask something of them. You ask a friend to pick up your child at school because you have an appointment, then you just wait for her to ask something of you.

Your Suspicious of His Intentions

Hey Babe, let’s get out of here this weekend. Let’s go to the beach and just chill. Your mind immediately goes to why? Why is he trying to run away? What’s going to happen at home this weekend that makes him want to leave?

Or maybe he brings you a dozen red roses after work one day, just for the heck of it. Instead of feeling grateful, your mind wanders to what did he do wrong? Why is he trying to butter me up now?

It might be that he just wants to spend quality time with you at the beach, or maybe he just felt like showing you with roses that he cares for you. By reading more into it than was there, you’re setting yourself up for a fight that doesn’t need to happen.

You Sabotage the Relationship

This happens so often, and it makes me so sad. You’ve been burned so many times by people from your past that you can’t now see how this guy will be any different.

In fact, you probably have a marker in a relationship, usually some set timeframe – three months, six months – when you just know he’s gonna end it any time now.

Instead of waiting for him to end it, you start picking fights and forcing the issue.

Unfortunately, the truth may be that was really into you until you started sabotaging the relationship. Now, though, he does just what you always expected him to do – he leaves. But he isn’t leaving for the reasons you imagine. He’s leaving the Crazytown your relationship became.

You Distance Yourself from Him

Getting too close to someone might make you feel really edgy. You’ve felt this way in the past and gotten burned every time, or what feels like every time anyway.

Rather than allow your vulnerabilities to show through, you hide everything you’re feeling. You keep a brick wall up between you so you feel safer.

Unfortunately, that brick wall, while invisible, is still very strong and instead of lowering the wall, it’s getting taller and taller with each piece of you that you withhold.

The distance you’re keeping helps you feel less edgy and fearful. The hurt you’ve experienced in the past is less likely to creep in if you keep to yourself and don’t let anyone in – at least not really in.

You Focus on What Will go Wrong

Instead of looking for things to go well, you always see the negative side of something. Negativity becomes your main state of being.

You want to buy a house together? What if one of you loses your job? What if a tornado or hurricane blows it off of the map?

You want to go on vacation together? What if you miss your flight? Worse yet, what if the plane crashes?

The scenarios you build with your anxiety are usually far-fetched but feel very possible and real.

It’s very difficult to be around someone who’s always a doomsdayer. It’s tedious. Nobody wants their relationship to be described as tedious!

What Causes Relationship Trust Issues?

Sometimes, relationship trust issues stem from something deep in your past. Other times, they arise out of your partner’s behavior or his own trust issues. Let’s examine where relationship trust issues might come from.

A Betrayal

This one is tricky because it might be that this partner betrayed you, or it could be that someone from your past has betrayed you.

If it’s this partner, you might be able to work with a couples’ therapist to rebuild your trust issues. It’s not likely something you can do on your own as the hurt may still be too fresh.

If it’s past relationship betrayals, it’s time to stop lumping all men into one cheater category. Let this new guy be himself. Instead of automatically assuming he isn’t trustworthy, allow him to earn your trust by showing up when he says he will and doing other things that can build your trust in him.

In either instance, you must move past the feeling of mistrust that you own. I know how the cliché goes – fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. But let him prove to you that he’s either not a guy from your past or not the same guy who betrayed you previously.

Your Parents

If you experienced a poor relationship between your parents, it may cause you to have your own relationship trust issues now. If your father cheated or your mother was always spending money your family didn’t have, it likely caused arguments centered around trust.

Growing up with that as your relationship model will cause you to have relationship trust issues by default.

Experiencing Rejection as a Child

Kids are mean and some kids are always rejected by their peers.

I know a young lady, now twelve years old, who has severe anxiety. Among other disorders, she has misophonia, which means that repetitive or loud noises make her feel very anxious. She also has social anxiety.

Unfortunately for this young lady, she has a twin sister who is her polar opposite. The twin is socially active, athletic, and not afraid of anything. It’s very difficult to experience your own anxiety while watching those around you act as if they don’t feel it too.

The truth is that both girls have anxiety and fear but show it in different ways. The social twin fears social isolation so she’s gregarious, almost to a point of being fake about it. The twin with anxiety experiences social isolation due to her high level of fear and anxiety.

As adults, these two girls will both likely experience relationship trust issues. The social twin because she doesn’t feel like she can be herself to be accepted and the anxious twin because she already feels isolated and rejected by her peers, even though she rarely gives them a chance to know her.

Negative Life Experiences

Some kids experience some awful things in their young lives and it leaves an imprint. For Joseph and Amy’s kids, especially the two who are five and seven, they’ll battle with feeling abandoned by their father, even though he can’t help what’s happening to him.

This may cause them to have relationship trust issues as adult women. The man they trusted the most in their young lives left them at a young age. If Dad can leave, why wouldn’t any other man?

It isn’t always a logical thought process from A to B, but it’s the process many take nonetheless.

Many negative life experiences force us into a place where we don’t trust anyone. It’s a natural consequence of things you often cannot control.

Overcoming Relationship Trust Issues

Finally, right? That’s what you came here to find in the first place.

How can you overcome relationship trust issues?

The most logical answer is that it depends on what caused them, but still, there are strategies that might help, regardless of where they came from.

Allow Trust to Build Slowly

Trust isn’t something you just decide to do one day. You must allow it to grow over time. Observe the behaviors of those you seem to not trust. Are they showing you that they are trustworthy or untrustworthy?

Sometimes, we fail to see trustworthy behavior because we’re almost blind to it due to past experiences.

Look for indications that this person can be trusted. Does he show up on time for dates? When he says he’s going to do something, does he do it? If the answer is yes, he’s trying to build your trust. Let him.

Forgive

Boy, talk about a recurring theme, right? Forgiveness helps take a few bricks out of that wall you’ve built.

Everyone makes mistakes, including you. Forgiving a mistake is okay. In fact, it’s necessary to positive mental health.

Reread the section above on forgiveness if you’re still doubtful about this one.

Talk About It

If your trust issues are rooted deeply in your past, tell your partner about them. You don’t have to dig up every single root, just share the main branches.

This will help him understand that you’re a work in progress and are asking for his patience.

This type of honesty goes back to that communication thing above. Someone in your life can’t understand your reactions to things if they don’t know where they’re coming from.

Ask Yourself – Is This About Trust or Control?

It’s normal if you have trust issues to want to be in control. When you don’t feel you have complete control over a situation, you become mistrustful of what’s happening.

This may show up in a variety of ways. For example, if you’ve been betrayed financially before, you may demand more control over the finances. It really isn’t control you seek, but trust that what you think is going on with your money really is.

In this instance, it’s okay to give over a little control. Allow him to pay the bills and trust that he does so in a timely manner. Resist the urge to check and double-check. When you feel the anxiety, remind yourself that you have no reason to mistrust him.

It’s okay to give up some control when it seems like a good idea.

Learn to Manage Your Anxiety

Trust is often really anxiety.

Anxiety is anticipating a negative event in the future. If he cheats on me, he’ll leave me. If she doesn’t pay the bills, we’ll lose everything. If I don’t know where he is every second of the day, he’ll cheat on me.

In these instances, trust becomes a decision you make, rather than a feeling you have.

Trust that your partner will pay the bills.

If he says he isn’t cheating on you, trust his word unless you have substantial and real proof (not a feeling).

The truth is that we cannot control other people. We can only control ourselves. If you really find that someone has broken your trust, there are two possible avenues for you to take.

The first is to leave the relationship or friendship. Just walk away.

The second is to seek help, both for yourself and your trust issues, and the relationship. It’s always possible that your lack of trust was actually the root of the problem.

If she always thinks I’m cheating, I may as well go ahead and cheat. At least then, I’ll be doing what she’s accusing me of.

Root Out the True Problem

Of course, the best way to resolve relationship trust issues is to find the root of the problem. Is it in your past? Is it in his? Do you have valid reasons for mistrusting him? If so, why are you staying with him?

If he’s cheated on you, why? What was already broken in your relationship, because something was. Either you snagged a player or there was a relationship issue lying deeper under the surface.

If the roots of your relationship trust issues are in your past, it’s best to seek out some professional help to work through those things. If they’re still nagging you now, chances are they need more than a few blog articles for resolution.

What’s the Common Denominator?

Are all of your relationships plagued with trust issues or is this the first one? If it’s the first one, it’s likely not something you’ve brought to the scene, but if all of your relationships seem to have these trust issues, it may be time to change things up.

Relationship trust issues that aren’t rooted in that relationship are often due to low self-esteem, low confidence, and/or low self-worth. You don’t believe you can have a loving relationship or that you don’t deserve one.

It may be that these go back to those childhood issues. You had an absent parent who made you feel abandoned – not worthy of their love. It may be that you’ve had enough crappy relationships that you don’t believe in your own ability to find great guys.

Either way, it’s time to work on those issues and again, if this is a long-fought problem, a professional may be your best bet.

Note the anxiety you feel in specific situations. When you think your friends are getting together without you, resist the urge to text all of them multiple times throughout the evening. If you think your boyfriend might be cheating on you, resist the desire to drive around all of the local hotels, and his apartment, to see if his car is there and/or a car you don’t recognize.

These behaviors feed your mistrust instead of helping you trust more deeply.

Be a Trustworthy Person

If you want to improve relationship trust issues, be a trustworthy person. Trust is a two-way street. You build your trust along with your partner, slowly and over time.

Be open about your feelings, opinions, boundaries, and past issues. This doesn’t mean you spill every single thing but share bits and pieces that help him make sense out of your situation and help you grow.

Additionally, being trustworthy means allowing him to make a mistake without blowing it completely out of proportion. He trusts you to react appropriately.

Wrapping Up Relationship Trust Issues

Trust might make you feel uncomfortable at first, but if you allow people to build your trust in them, you’ll find yourself enjoying happier and more meaningful relationships. This is true of friendships, not just romantic relationships.

Relationship trust issues show up in all of your relationships, not just specific ones.

The more times you’re willing to forgive someone and give them another chance, the happier and more trustful you’ll be.

It’s not a fast road to travel down, but one you should traverse slowly and steadily. As those urges to check and double-check wain, you’ll find that you’re more relaxed and much less anxious. You’ll feel healthier and your body will definitely benefit!

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Walking Away from Someone Who Doesn’t Value You

Walking away from someone who doesn’t value you takes tremendous strength and resolve, and yet, you might be feeling neither of those.

I’m Kirbie and I’ve been working with Gregg for more than ten years. I’ve been through this, and I just know I’m not alone, so today, I want to help you make your decision.

How do You Know if He Doesn’t Value You?

The first, and most obvious question to ask is how do you know he doesn’t value you? You’re probably second-guessing yourself on your decision.

You see glimmers of hope in small, yet infrequent gestures he makes. Your mind says see, he does love me! And you carry on as if all of the million and one signs that show he doesn’t value you fade into the distance.

Allow me to share my story.

The Story of JDistant Past

I’m gonna call this guy J. I’ve known J now for nearly twenty-five years. When we first met, there was chemistry, which I was good at mistaking for love. I was also just out of a long-term relationship and needing validation, so I fell for all of it.

I would say we stayed together that first time for several months. It’s been too long now to recall how long but he said and did all of the right things, most of the time.

More Recent Past

But let’s fast-forward to say the last ten years. I must preface this by saying I haven’t spoken to or seen J in about eighteen months, but in the eight plus years prior, I was still falling for his crap.

The problem with J is that when I’m with him and he’s into the relationship, he’s everything you could want. Attentive. Loving. Giving. Then, out of the blue he pulls the rug out.

The pattern goes something like this:

J’s attention for anywhere from a few weeks to a few monthsK falls for it, hook, line, and sinkerJ falls off the map – no text, no phone call, doesn’t show up for dates or isn’t home when I go at a pre-appointed timeK gets fed up and swears this is itJ shows up again, pouring on the charmRinse and repeat

What finally broke the cycle for me was that I realized he was never going to change. Yes, it took me a long time but understand that we may go two to three years in between points of contact.

What really helped me the most was working with Gregg over these last few years and coming to build my own confidence. The last time J and I were ‘together’, I was mostly in it for companionship – someone to go to a movie with, that sort of thing.

The Truth

But the truth is that he didn’t value me, and I chose to ignore it for many years. I probably did it in part because my confidence was low and you know, any attention is good attention.

But as my own confidence has grown, so has my lack of tolerance for the crap. Over the last six or so years, I’ve strictly sought that companionship. He was always the one who wanted more.

So the real truth is that he lacks confidence in his ability to be in a good relationship and I’ve seen that for several years, so each time I went into a new encounter with him, it was eyes wide open.

Just because I understand relationships better doesn’t mean I’m not human. I’m capable of falling into the same traps as everyone else. When you care for someone, you want them to be the person you need them to be.

Waking up to the reality that they’re never going to be that person can be a rough wake-up call indeed!

So, How Do I Know He Didn’t Value Me?He Didn’t Often Ask How I Was

Most of our conversations were about him and what he wanted in a relationship. If I would say, “what about what I want?” the conversation would flip to me for a tiny while, then go right back to him and what he wants.

Over the last five plus years, I’ve been taking care of my parents. My father just passed away three months ago, and he had dementia. The struggle is real, and life was sometimes very stressful and/or very challenging.

Not once did he ask about my parents or me.

There Was No Curiosity About My Life

I have eight grandchildren who are very important to me. VERY important. He was never interested in talking about them and never asked about them. In fact, I couldn’t get him to engage with anyone in my family.

He did when we first dated because we have kids who are all in the same age range, but now that they’re all grown, nothing.

He never asked what I did as a career either, which feels odd, but he was retired over the last few years due to a traumatic brain injury, so work wasn’t important to him.

Our Agendas Were Different

We may not have spoken for maybe three or more months, and I would get a text that went something like this:

Let’s get married in Jamaica in June (text received in April)

The old me would have glowed at the possibility. The more recent me just thought uh huh.

As I said, my agenda was companionship. Someone to go to a movie with or enjoy a nice dinner out. His was marriage.

There Was No Mutuality

Mutuality means that what you receive, you give, so in a relationship it means that if I am giving caring and interest in his life, he should be giving me the same.

He wasn’t, as I already said.

Our relationship was a one-way street.

He Didn’t Seek Me or My Opinion Out

I consider myself to be an intelligent woman and yet he never asked my opinion on anything.

In fact, as a sign of his low confidence, he is unable to make many decisions without years of deliberation. Way back when I was dating him twenty or so years ago, he wanted to buy an airplane. It took him five years to decide on one.

Last we spoke, he was wanting a new electric vehicle. He researches and researches. He does test drives. For years! Still no EV – or at least not last time I saw him.

He Failed to See How His Actions Impacted Me

Of course, I learned a long time ago that he was unreliable, but back when I still believed he would follow through (we’re talking fifteen or more years ago), I’d get ready for a date with him only to be still sitting home alone hours later.

He’s always had some amazingly dramatic story about why something else was more important than even a text or phone call to let me know he was coming.

I’d say in the last five years, I never believed he would follow through. He never acknowledged that he got even the slightest idea of how his actions impacted me.

He Treated Others Differently

I think this was the most confusing part for me. He would treat me like crap and bend over backwards for other people. When I’d call him out on it, he was always full of justification for his actions.

It was his kindness towards others and the way he went out of his way to help other people that drew me too him. I could never understand why he never tossed any of that my way.

It’s important to look for this with someone who doesn’t value you. Do they value anyone or is it just you they’re treating badly?

If he’s doing it to everyone, he’s an all-around schmuck, but if it just seems to be you, then he truly doesn’t value you and it’s time to move on.

So Why Did I Stay “In” So Long?

I stayed in it for so long for the same reasons you’ve stayed. You keep hoping he’ll change, and just when you’re about to give up on him entirely, he tosses you a breadcrumb that pokes at the little voice in your head – see, he does care.

Additionally, in the beginning, my confidence was very low. I was a couple of years beyond a divorce, and I’d made the mistake most women make of getting into another relationship too soon. Another schmuck.

I had no clue about confidence or anything else. I just knew I wanted someone in my life to care about me, so I kept dating. I was a single mom to four kids and it was stressful. Having someone to spend time with when they were with their dad helped me decompress, or so I thought.

Let’s look at a few reasons why women stay in this type of relationship.

We Justify the Bad Behavior

You want to believe you’ve made a good choice, that the guy you’re with isn’t just another in a long line of losers you’ve dated.

So, you justify the bad behavior to save face. Of course, your friends and family are shaking their heads and eventually, you stop telling them too much about your relationship because you don’t want to hear more I told you so’s.

The truth is that if J valued me, he wouldn’t have done those bad behaviors. He wouldn’t have skipped dates without a word or done any of the other things he did. I was just too scared of being alone and too low confidence to see it.

We Lose Who We Are

The longer you’re with someone like this, the lower your own self-worth dips. If he doesn’t value you, you can easily begin to lose your own sense of value.

I would set aside my hobbies in lieu of the possibility of a date. Instead of doing something I enjoyed, I was sitting there seething over him not showing up. Again.

We Overcompensate

When you do get those snippets of attention you’re always hoping for, you act like nothing is wrong. He hasn’t treated you like crap for the last two weeks, or longer.

Another overcompensation tactic is to allow him to say things that are unkind without standing up for yourself. You’re so relieved to have the morsels of his time that you ignore it.

It’s like a child who has discovered that the only way to get his parents’ attention is to act out, except it’s twisted around. He’s acting out and you’re glad for the attention.

We Keep Coming Back for More

Early on in this whole relationship with J, cell phones weren’t nearly what they are today so doing things like blocking people wasn’t an option.

Now, I have him blocked and deleted from my phone. This keeps me from having a weak moment and texting him first.

One time a few years ago, I thought I’d blocked him everywhere and he sent me a message via Facebook. I hung out with him a few times again before getting fed up and blocking him.

In the early days, every single time he’d send me a message, I was all in again. Looking back, it’s pathetic but there it is anyway.

We Let Them

The bottom line is that a guy gets away with this because we let them. Instead of standing up for ourselves, we just keep taking whatever these guys are willing to throw our way.

I know it seems easier than it really is because, as you have read, I lived it and it was very hard for me too.

How Does Being in An Invalidating Relationship Impact You?

There are quite a few negative consequences to being in a relationship where you aren’t valued. But with help, you can overcome them.

Feelings of Inadequacy

When you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value you, it makes you feel as if you’re the one who is damaged. You aren’t enough.

Your self-worth declines because of the imbalance that’s happening in your relationship. The end result is that you might feel as if you don’t deserve to be loved. This guy is wonderful, and he doesn’t love you. How would another guy?

Low Self-Esteem

The feelings of inadequacy are about your self-worth, but your self-esteem is also damaged in these types of relationships.

He doesn’t value you and that leads you to feel as if you aren’t worth being valued. You may doubt that your capable of doing anything right in your life. Your desire to challenge yourself and grow as an individual is negatively impacted because you don’t believe you can.

You Get Frustrated and Feel Resentful

This was huge for me. I would get so frustrated, and not just at him, but at me too for falling for his lies again and again.

That’s why it was easy for me to avoid him for a short period of time but harder as time passed. That frustration wains and the resentment fades and there’s that smile and morsel of attention.

Walking Away from Someone Who Doesn’t Value You

Now it’s time to get to the heart of the discussion – walking away from someone who doesn’t value you. How do you do it?

Realize You Deserve Better

You deserve a man who will treat you with respect and value you as a human being with thoughts and feelings of your own.

Of course, as you’ve read, being with a man who doesn’t has probably dipped your belief in this statement so read it a few times until it starts to sink in.

The longer you stay with this person, the more devalued and undeserving you’re going to feel. If you think you’ll hurt him by leaving, think again. Remember, if he cared at all, he wouldn’t be treating you this way.

Stop Blaming Yourself

Blaming yourself isn’t going to get you anywhere except deeper into a pit of the crap you’re already feeling.

Did you pick the wrong guy? Yes indeed.

But instead of sitting there blaming yourself, learn from this experience!!

Chances are if you’ve stayed in this type of relationship, your confidence was low to begin with so take some time off and work on it.

A guy like this won’t approach a woman with confidence, so that’s your armor! Your shield against losers is confidence.

Discard the Belief that You Can Change Someone

The only person you can control is you. None of us can change someone else. That other person must want to change and right now, whatever he has going on is working for him.

That doesn’t mean you need to be the one who’s making it work, though!

His behavior is for him to recognize and change. This isn’t your project, and if you’ve made it your project until now, try embroidery or acrylic painting instead. Anything but this!

Just Walk Away – No Scene!

You don’t need to make a scene or prepare an ugly breakup scenario. Just end it. Josh, this relationship isn’t working for me, so I think it’s best that we just part ways.

Now, he’s losing something that he thinks he wants so he may try to argue that he’ll do better.

It’s likely that he isn’t going to do better. If he wanted to treat you better, he’d already be doing so.

What you don’t need to do is make a big scene out of it or cause an argument to get it done.

Recognize His Possible Reactions

It’s possible that somewhere deep inside, he does care about you and just isn’t very good at showing it. If that’s the case, he may do some of the following things.

“Chase” You

Men love the chase. There’s a possibility that he just became bored with the relationship but now that you’ve introduced a ton of challenge, he’s in it again, wanting to chase you.

It’s also possible that once he sees how his actions have resulted in you walking away, he’ll step up his game.

Regardless, don’t be surprised if he tries to chase you once you’ve ended the relationship.

What you do from here is up to you. Two things are possible. One is that he just enjoys the chase and as soon as he thinks he’s caught you again, he’ll slide back into old habits.

The second is that he recognizes that he needs to put more effort into a relationship with you and he steps up his game.

Unfortunately, there’s no way to know ahead of time, however, you’ll soon know if you allow him to date you again. He’ll either stop doing all of the negative behaviors above or he’ll start doing the things he should be doing.

He Might Realize He Misses You

Guys become complacent in relationships and take them for granted. There are things you can do to snap them out of this behavior, but right now, you have to wait and see how willing he is to even try.

So he might realize after you dump him that he misses you. Now, as far as I’m concerned, this is a golden opportunity for him to evaluate his own behavior in your relationship, and maybe he will, but it’s hard to say.

What he may realize is that he wants you back, but the two possibilities are the same as if he wants to chase you, so be prepared to take note of his behaviors.

The problem I had with J was that I was just clueless to the whole thing for the first many years. I was always so tickled that he’d reach out that I didn’t think too much about it until I realized he hadn’t changed.

Don’t make the same mistakes I made. Look for improvement and if you don’t see it, keep on walkin’.

He Might Be Brave Enough to Show His True Feelings

I dated a man once, before J, we’ll call him M. M and I dated for a while and he was actually a great guy, but he had a few annoying traits that I can’t even remember now. I ended the relationship when I just couldn’t do it anymore.

We’d been over for about two months when he called and asked if he could come over. I agreed and he showed up on my doorstep crying. Yes, crying.

He sobbed and begged me to take him back. Said he recognized that he’d made mistakes, and he wanted to have another try – no, he begged me for another try. So, I gave him one, but whatever it was that he’d been doing was still going on because the second try only lasted a few weeks.

He May Finally Understand the Consequences of His Actions

Actions have consequences. When you walked away, you established a boundary for how you would allow yourself to be treated. You drew a line in the sand and said I won’t take this crap anymore.

You might have tried to talk to him about his behavior before. I did with J. Like J, he may have promised to do better but never did.

But now that you’ve walked away, he sees the consequences of his actions. Before, you just indicated there would be consequences but never followed through. Following through on consequences is always the best plan.

He may straighten up because he now sees that if he wants to keep you, he must.

He Might Actually Prioritize the Relationship

Snapping him to attention by leaving might cause him to realize that this relationship is important to him. With any luck, he’ll quickly recognize that he needs to do better and will make your relationship a priority now.

Hear him out and, if you want, give him another chance.

He May Not Come Back at All

It’s also possible that he’ll just head off into the sunset and seek out another victim. That’s okay. You were being treated disrespectfully and now, that guy is gone.

In this instance, it’s time for you to take a few actions of your own.

What to Do After You End the Relationship

This is the most powerful time in your life. You’re free of a bad relationship and you have time to burn on you.

Take this time to do a few things for yourself so that when you’re ready for a new relationship, and that is not now, or tomorrow, you’re able to attract a man who will treat you much better!

Evaluate Past Relationships

Take a look at your past relationships. Is this a pattern of behavior for the men you date? If so, there are two things wrong. The first is that your confidence is low, and we’ll address that soon.

The second is that you’re looking for the wrong type of guy. There’s every possibility that once you build your confidence, this problem will take care of itself, but there are things you can do to make sure you look for the perfect man for you.

Make a list of the men from your past, preferably guys you’ve dated for at least a few weeks. Put each man’s name on a paper and draw two columns – positive traits & negative traits. Then fill in each for all of these men.

You’re looking for patterns. What negative traits keep showing up? You want to avoid those in the future. What positive traits are recurring? Those are things you should keep looking for.

Also, look at what happened in each of those relationships. Why did they end? Who ended it? You need to be brutally honest about both your role and his so you can get an honest look at what keeps happening.

Chances are that building your confidence will take care of many of the problems you see in yourself, like jealousy, clinginess, and so on.

Build Your Confidence

There it is. I’ve been alluding to it for the past 3600 words. Low confidence women attract low confidence men. Low confidence men behave the way we’ve been describing.

Aside from that, as you read previously, being in this type of relationship reduces your confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem.

Instead of immediately seeking a new relationship, which will make you feel better, but won’t be a better relationship, take some time off from dating to pull yourself together.

How long is difficult to say. I’d recommend at least a couple of months, if not more.

You must not only rebuild your confidence but define who you are as this new, confident woman. You may decide it’s time for other changes like your career, where you live, and so on.

It’s much easier to make all of these changes while you’re single and unencumbered. Take this time to get to know you again. As we age and our life changes, we change too. Values change. Priorities change. Goals change. Look at all of those areas of your life and determine what your values, priorities, and goals are today.

Rather than spend more time here telling you how to build your confidence, there’s an entire section of this website to do that. You can build your confidence by starting here.

Walking Away from Someone Who Doesn’t Value You – Wrap Up

In the end, the decision is up to you, but what I hope you choose is to value yourself enough to walk away from someone who does not value you! You deserve better! We all do! I have had zero regrets since walking away from J eighteen months ago.

I still care for him, mostly because his health was so poor, but I don’t talk to him. I don’t seek him out. I don’t drive by his house to see if he’s home. I don’t inquire with his friends. Nothing.

When he comes to mind, I give it a moment, then I move on.

The road ahead is full of reflection and many questions, depending on how he responds to you ending the relationship.

Be smart and wise. Keep emotions out of it if he tries to come back. It’s okay to give things another try, but you know now what he was doing before and as soon as he slides back into those behaviors, exit.

It’s okay to have a sit-down with him and lay your cards on the table. Tell him what’s wrong. He may truly be clueless. This could be the way his parents interacted, and he doesn’t know any other way to be.

Explain how you deserve to be treated and tell him you’ll expect nothing less. It’s okay to give him time to try to be better but keep those lines of communication open and be clear.

When he does well, let him know. Everyone appreciates knowing they’ve done something right. When he starts slipping, kindly and gently explain this to him too.

You’ll know within a few weeks if he’s truly trying to do better or if he just wants to keep treating you badly. Trust your gut!

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Why do Guys Disappear When They Like You?

The question for today is a good one – why do men disappear when they like you? It feels like mixed signals, right? He’s all attentive and then bam, he ghosts you. What the heck happened? Did you do something wrong? Is he hiding something? What gives?

I’m here today to help you understand a little more about how the male mind works. Of course, I can’t cover all of our secrets in one article, so be sure to check out this page for tons more information!

[image error] Why do Guys Disappear When They Like You?

Sadly, there are quite a few reasons for this behavior, and I want to say up front that I make no apologies for my fellow men. Some of us are really good guys and then there are the schmucks. Just because your guy disappears for a while doesn’t make him a schmuck, by the way, as you’ll soon see.

Before we go on with some of these reasons, I want to have a brief discussion about how men and women are different because it has a bearing on our conversation.

As you may know, men and women do just about everything differently, including navigating their emotions, falling in love, and working through problems, to name a few. We also communicate differently with women using many words and men using few.

Keep these things in mind as you continue reading.

What To Do and What NOT to Do If It Happens

Perhaps I should start with what you should not do if this happens or is currently happening to you.

Don’t Text-Bomb Him

Fretting at him via text, emails, or voicemails shows your insecurities. Yes, his sudden departure has stirred up all of your worst fears and they’re rearing up now like a big ugly pimple.

Chill out. Get back into your hobbies. Go do some things with your friends. Take a mini vacation. Do something to take your mind off of him being gone. If he decides to come back, he’ll be more likely to do so if you don’t prove yourself to be the Mayor of Crazytown while he’s away.

Don’t Make it About You

Your go-to is to blame yourself for him leaving, but as you’ll soon read, most of the reasons he most likely bailed have nothing to do with you, but if you make it about you, you’re missing the point.

This is his problem to work through. He may need your support if he returns, and he’ll sense that it’s a safe place for him if you haven’t made it all about you.

Don’t Jump to Conclusions

I know how it works; I grew up with three older sisters. A guy leaves and right away, you and your friends start jumping to all sorts of conclusions.

He’s dating someone elseHe’s a serial killerIt turns out he is married

You don’t usually know the reason, so don’t gossip or jump to conclusions. If your friends try, steer the conversation in a different direction.

Do Work on Your Confidence

If you’re freaking out right now, it means those insecurities are getting the better of you. At the root of those insecurities is lower confidence, so while he’s away, work on it.

Think of this situation as facing a fear, because that’s what you’re doing. You’re probably afraid of a guy leaving you, and he did, confirming your fears, but if he has a good reason, then it’s nothing to do with you.

So, face that fear head on. Get back to the gym and burn off some of that stress and anxiety with some good workouts. They’re good for your mind, body, and soul! Pick up a hobby. Focus on your career. Stay busy building!

Don’t Blame Him Either

Yes, he left for one of the reasons below, but he’s doing the best he can. He isn’t maliciously trying to hurt you. He’s too busy working on whatever it is that caused him to bolt in the first place.

He’s doing the best he can under what may be a difficult circumstance. Give him the benefit of the doubt until you have a valid (not gossip) reason not to.

Do Write Your Story

When I say write your story, what I mean is enjoy a variety of life experiences. Have a hobby. Take vacations, even if they’re mini vacations close to home. Explore life. Take classes. DO things. Even if you try and fail, it’s a fun story to tell a guy.

Facing a fear is a great way to write your story. Then, you can tell guys how you decided to walk across a rope bridge at a local park and how terrified you were, then share a funny story about talking yourself through it.

Writing your story is not something you necessarily focus on. Instead, focus on living a full life. Add experiences to your life because it’s good for you, not for men. This is ultimately something you do for you, but the added bonus is that it gives you something to share with a guy.

Why do Guys Disappear When They Like You?He’s Dealing with a Big Loss

While women are great multitaskers, men usually are not. I’m amazed at how women can be doing three things at once and do them all very well. If I’m focused on recording videos, for example, then I’m recording videos. I’m not also doing laundry and thinking about my grocery shopping later.

Therefore, if he’s dealing with a significant loss, he needs to focus his attention on that. Many men will retreat from a new relationship while they work through the details of finalizing a divorce or child custody issues.

Significant losses, like a loved one (including a pet), a job, or income, are often emotional on some level and require his attention. Since many men don’t deal with their emotions well, it can be all-consuming until they work through those emotions.

Regardless of the cause, these are almost always temporary situations that will resolve and enable him to come back to you. Be patient and let him have his time. This is one of the few reasons why a guy may come back.

He Might Be Experiencing High Stress

Life can be overly stressful at times and stress comes at you from many directions. Sometimes, it even feels like every single stressor hit at the same time.

And you can add to that that men feel stress coming at them from different places than women. For example, a guy who’s thinking ahead to a family, even if it’s just the two of you living together, might stress if his finances aren’t as great as he’d like them to be.

Men are, by nature, providers. Even if you have your own income and fully support yourself just fine, it’s innate for him to want to be able to support you. It’s noble, even if it is a little frustrating.

He May Have Felt the Relationship Wasn’t for Him

This is a more likely excuse if you haven’t known him for very long – a few weeks or so. While it’s not a great way to handle it, if he doesn’t like confrontation, he may just bolt and not say a word.

Of course, if this turns out to be the case, you’re free to date and move on, but you won’t know right away.

I’m not saying it’s the right way for him to handle things, but it’s a possibility to consider. Give him a few weeks to sort out whatever he might be sorting out and if he’s still ghosting you, move on, but do so after you try to send a friendly text.

Send something fun, not mentioning his time away, and let it be. If he replies, great. If not, you probably have your answer.

Why do Guys Disappear When They Like You? They Feel too Vulnerable

He may be feeling very vulnerable in the relationship, and it’s made his fight or flight kick in. Maybe he’s started caring for you more than he planned and he’s freaking out. Instead of dealing with it, he got scared and ran.

The problem with this is that while he may come back, he might do the same thing again. He doesn’t have a healthy way to navigate the emotions he’s feeling so he escapes before things get too real.

The truth is that he might not even realize what’s going on. All he knows is that he woke up one day and felt like he was going crazy. The only thing he knew to do was stop talking to you because it made him feel safe again.

It’s entirely possible that this guy isn’t coming back, and, like I said, if he does, he may repeat this behavior. He’s not relationship material right now so kiss this one goodbye.

He’s Not Ready for a Relationship

I have this theory that I’ve labeled the conveyor belt to manhood. My theory states that as boys, we’re placed on this conveyor belt. Think of it like a conveyor belt to make chocolate chip cookies.

They hop on in their childhood and they learn stuff, like how to treat people, how to stand up for themselves, and so on. It’s like adding the flour, salt, sugar, etc.

As they get older, the ingredients are more complicated. Instead of a cookie, we’re now making a gourmet meal. These ingredients include an ability to self-support, being capable of managing their emotions, having the drive to succeed, being competitive, and a few more.

The problem is that for a variety of reasons, not all boys travel the entire conveyor belt. Perhaps they experienced the loss of a parent at a young age, forcing the other parent to work doubly hard and not really have time. It’s possible that they lived in a life where strictly surviving from day to day was all they could do.

It’s also possible that nobody fed them the right ingredients. Parents do the best they can, but sometimes they don’t have all of the ingredients either, so they don’t know to feed them into their kids.

Regardless of the why, he’s just not relationship material yet. In this case, he did you a favor!

He’s Terrified of Being Hurt

I’d like to tell you a story of Jerry. Jerry is now a sixty-something man who has been so afraid of being hurt for the last twenty-five years, that he’s incapable of being in a real relationship.

Oh, he thinks he wants to be in one, but when presented with a great woman, his fears kick in and he does his best to push her away, all the while wanting her to stay.

It’s a very frustrating dance that many women don’t even pick up on. The signals are so confusing. He may ghost you for a few weeks, or even a few months, then when his fear subsides, he reaches back out, charming as when you fell for him the first time.

But the pattern persists. He comes back all sunshine and roses, says all of the right things, but when his fear kicks in again – i.e. he feels you getting too close, he bolts, again.

This also qualifies as not being relationship material, just for a different reason. It’s sad really because these guys want a relationship so badly, but when push comes to shove, they just can’t let themselves be happy due to this overwhelming fear.

He’s Too Fresh Out of Another Relationship

It’s possible that you’re a rebound girl for this guy. He just broke up with someone else and rather than feel those feelings, he found you.

Guys do this all too often. Sometimes they tell you that they just broke up with their girlfriend of five years. If you hear this, odds are you’re the rebound and it isn’t going to last.

Very few rebound relationships survive more than a couple of months because their true purpose is to avoid those negative feelings.

Why do Guys Disappear When They Like You? He Was In it for the Sex

Sadly, you might have found yourself a player disguised as a nice guy. If there’s one type of loser capable of spoofing a woman into believing he’s a good guy, it’s the player.

They have practiced their lines so well and learned what works and what doesn’t work, that they’re professionals at saying and doing the right things.

Players find women they feel they can take advantage of, so if he thinks you have something to offer, usually sex or money, he’ll give it his best shot.

Once a player feels like he’s gotten out of you all he can, he’s gone and hunting for his next victim. In this case, say buh bye and work on your confidence. These guys are repelled by confident women!

You Aren’t Mysterious

I talk often about mystery and challenge, and both are equally important to a guy. When a guy gets bored in a relationship, especially early on, he’s more likely to bolt.

Too often, women share too much too soon, and then there’s no mystery. This is why I encourage women not to share a lot when they first meet someone new.

It’s hard, I know. You’re excited to feel the attraction and you’re basically marketing yourself. You want to tell him all of the wonderful things about your life.

The problem is that he has nothing to learn, or so he thinks.

To avoid this, steer conversations away from questions about you. Ask him questions. Be blunt yet fun and say, “Gee, we’ve been spending a lot of time on me, let’s talk about you.”

He Just Needs to Boost His Ego

For some men, stroking their ego is an ongoing need. A man with an ego problem will start relationships for the validation. He doesn’t want a relationship because that requires too much work.

Instead, he just wants to be constantly reassured that he’s the type of guy that women want. As soon as he feels like his ego has been stroked, he’s out and on the hunt for more validation.

He Isn’t Ready to Give up His Freedom

Some men enjoy their freedom. They like not having to answer to anyone and the thought of a committed relationship makes them realize they may be losing their freedom.

You can head this one off at the pass from early on by not demanding too much of his time, not complaining when he wants to hang out with his friends, and by keeping the life you’ve developed outside of your relationship.

If he continues to feel as if he has some freedom, he won’t have this worry.

Why do Guys Disappear When They Like You: What to do Next

In most of these cases, the guy either isn’t likely to come back, or he’s a guy you shouldn’t want back. Knowing this hopefully helps you move forward and not feel as badly about the whole situation.

Don’t Feel Rejected

This isn’t about you, it’s about him – again. Rather than feel rejected by whatever loser activity pushed him out of your life, be thankful that you’re rid of one more scumbag.

His issues are his, so don’t own them. Yes, you attracted a loser, but boosting your confidence will help you shield yourself against having that happen again.

Work on Some Self-Care

You’ve been through something, so take some time for self-care. Allow yourself to be pampered with quiet reading, music you love, movies that make you laugh, favorite foods, and of course, bubble baths with wine and candles.

This isn’t just a feel-good activity. It helps you regain some self-worth and recognize that you are worthy of being taken care of. Make sure the next guy you date knows this too!

Show Compassion When Appropriate

In a couple of the reasons above, I mentioned that he may come back to you once he’s dealt with his stuff. If you know he’s going through something difficult, gently let him know that you’re there for him when he’s ready.

Don’t force anything and don’t keep texting him. One message will do the trick. In a week or two, you can send one that just says something like, thinking of you and hoping all is well.

These messages aren’t demanding so he won’t feel threatened by them. You aren’t asking him to come back or even to share what’s going on. Just lending a little support.

Ask Yourself One Important Question

Before you decide to try to get back into a relationship that may be toxic for you, ask yourself this one important question – is this all you deserve? Don’t you deserve a man who’s one thousand percent into you and wants to treat you like the queen you are?

If your answer is either I don’t know or no, work on your confidence, then ask again.

That’s a Wrap on Why do Guys Disappear When They Like You

The truth is that you deserve to be happy, and I hope that if you don’t believe it now, you recognize that boosting your confidence is your next step.

A guy who can’t make a commitment out of fear, ego, or something else (other than having something heavy going on) doesn’t deserve a wonderful woman like you.

When you have high confidence, guys like this won’t even approach you. They know you’re out of their league and they don’t want to work hard enough to prove they are worthy of a great woman like you.

Great confident men will be attracted to you. They know you when they see you. Men can tell which women have confidence and which do not. You want the men who will treat you with respect and aren’t afraid to make a commitment when they recognize it’s time!

Knowing how to not date a jerk includes embracing your single life and taking the time to become a confident, independent woman. Riding Solo, a book written specifically for women who want to do just that, walks you through overcoming the stigma of being single on to becoming that independent, confident woman. This places you in the best possible position to find and date wonderful, great men who are not jerks.

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How Soon is Too Soon to Propose?

Gregg, I’ve been dating this guy for a couple of months, and I really like him, but how soon is too soon to propose?

I’m afraid that if you’re asking this question, you might not like my answer, but let’s dive into this topic and see if we can come to an agreement.

Short versus Long-Term Gratification

There’s a popular study often called the Marshmallow Study, during which a researcher gave a group of four-year-olds one big fluffy marshmallow. The children were told that if they could wait to eat the marshmallow until the researcher returned from running a quick errand, they would get not one, but two big fluffy marshmallows.

Some children ate theirs, others did not during the fifteen-minute absence of the researcher.

Many years later, the researcher followed up with these same people. The research showed that the children who couldn’t wait as four-year-olds were still seeking short-term gratification while the children who were able to wait then now also enjoyed the gift of waiting for long-term gratification and had happier lives overall.

In other words, if you wait longer, there is usually a higher reward, in this case, a greater chance of success in the marriage and a happier relationship.

How Soon is Too Soon to Propose?

It can feel like each week is a month long if you’re waiting for a long-term commitment, especially if you feel a strong connection to a guy.

But slow down friend. Let’s make sure that before you dig into a commitment like marriage that you’re sure this guy is worthy of you and that your relationship is truly on course for long-term success.

The truth is that the longer you’re able to wait, the better, within limits of course. Let’s look at some signs that it’s too soon.

It’s Been Less Than a Year

While it’s true that some couples get engaged faster, your odds of success increase the longer you wait.

Within that first year, you may still be in the honeymoon phase, and if you aren’t, you probably aren’t long out of it.

It’s unlikely that you’ve experienced enough together to know for sure that you’re a good fit for one another. You’ll understand better after you finish reading.

You Don’t Know Much About One Another

It takes time to get to know someone really well. Even if you’ve made the mistake of sharing too much too soon, you still don’t know the important things.

Learning about someone comes more through experiences together and less through their words. He may say he loves kids, then whenever you’re around your nieces and nephews, he shies away. That’s your real answer.

You should know what he does for a living and what his goals are for his career. The two of you should be comfortable sharing your vulnerabilities as well. These things may seem small, but they add up over time.

You’ve Either Had Ugly Arguments or No Arguments

A good relationship has disagreements, but if both parties are good communicators, those arguments don’t get ugly.

Instead, you learn how to navigate them, and you work through things together.

If you’ve never argued, you aren’t being honest with one another. One or both of you are afraid to express your true opinions, which means there isn’t a great feeling of trust between you yet.

One of Both of You are Struggling Financially

Entering a marriage on solid footing is challenging enough. Entering one when one or both of you are struggling financially brings many new challenges to the situation.

If you’ve read my articles and followed my advice, you already have your financial act together, but if you haven’t, it’s time.

Financial soundness isn’t just something I recommend for your relationship; it’s something you should strive for regardless. It provides you with a freedom that’s hard to ignore. It also proves to any interested man that you want him for more than his financial support.

How do You Know It’s Time

Some believe that two years is a good timeframe to use, but setting a definitive timeframe doesn’t take into consideration the characteristics of your individual relationship.

For example, if you have a long-distance relationship due to living apart or military deployment, you’re not spending as much time together as a couple who lives in the same area.

When you live close, you may enjoy one or two date nights a week, maybe even more. But if you don’t live close enough, you may get one date a month or less if it’s military-based.

It’s the time you spend together that will better determine a timeframe. Of course, this doesn’t mean that if you’re long distance you need to wait a lot longer, but you do need to make sure that you know one another well enough to consider such a big step.

You’re Still in the Honeymoon or Infatuation Stage

One problem with jumping into marriage too soon is that you might not be giving the relationship enough time to stretch past the honeymoon phase when everything is glowing and fun. The chemistry is high, and you’re very attracted to one another.

You can read more about the stages of a relationship here.

As you can read in the article linked above, there are many dangers of a proposal during this initial phase of your relationship, not the least of which is ignoring the red flags.

This stage is a highly emotional stage of the relationship, which overrides your overall ability to use logical thought. The chemistry is hot and all you want to do is spend time together.

The problem is that if you do see red flags, you’ll dismiss them as inconsequential. You can read more about dating with your head, not your heart here.

Another risk is wanting to spend so much time with your new guy that you give up your life outside of the relationship. Your hobbies and activities with your friends are sidelined to spend more time with your guy.

But, you need time apart from one another too. Even when you’re living together or married, you need time to yourselves.

This stage is also at risk where honesty is concerned. During this phase, you’re essentially trying to market yourself to the other person. You want to put your best foot forward, and that may not fully reflect who you are.

And, of course, the last leads us back to our topic for today. In the honeymoon phase, you may have higher than reasonable expectations for your relationship, thinking you’re ready for a long-term commitment way before you really are. Expect this stage to last three to twelve months.

You’re Able to Communicate Effectively

Poor communication is a relationship killer. If you can’t talk to one another, how can you have a good relationship?

The problem is that people think of communication as talking, few realize it’s also about listening. In fact, one could argue that listening is more important than talking.

Another problem with communication is that some folks communicate through yelling. This intimidating form of communication is akin to bullying and gets you nowhere. Couples who yell often have problems staying together.

A third problem with communication is when people can’t be honest or share their vulnerabilities. It’s scary to tell someone about your soft underbelly and men are as afraid of this as women. But once your relationship settles in and moves past infatuation, you should feel more comfortable sharing.

You’ve Discussed Marriage

You’ve been dating for a few months, and you hear wedding bells, but how does he feel about marriage? Conversely, how badly would you feel if you didn’t want to get married and he proposed?

Even early in dating, it’s okay to discuss marriage in general. Feel one another out about marriage and even kids. While he might be into marriage, he might not want kids while you can hear your biological clock ticking loudly.

Better to know where you each stand on the topic before you get too far into things, and someone has higher expectations than the other person is willing to commit to.

You’ve Met the Important People

You can learn a lot about a man by how he treats others and how they treat him. With his family, examine how he treats the females in his family. Is he close with them? Do they respect him?

The last thing you want is the family saying Honey, run away before it’s too late! And this does happen! A family who knows their guy is a schmuck but likes you will advise you to get out. Take their advice.

With his friends, you can look at whether they respect him and how they are around him. Also, this is a good time to look at how he treats you when you’re out with his friends. He should not ignore you and should protect you. He should treat you with respect regardless of where you are, to be honest.

You’ve Passed Some Important Milestones Together

Marriages are challenging enough without jumping in too soon. A relationship that’s been well-tested has passed a few milestones.

The first is that you’ve experienced and survived an argument. You learn how you both handle a disagreement between you and whether you’re each willing and able to forgive after.

No relationship is perfect, so knowing how this shakes out is very important to your long-term success. If you can’t argue well, all bets are off. It will be a rocky ride.

Another dynamic to settle is how your marriage will be run. Is he in charge? Are you? Do you share in the control of the relationship? Do you want kids? Who will stay home with them, if anyone?

A third hurdle is traveling together. You learn a lot about someone when they’re away from home. It’s a more stressful situation because you’re in unfamiliar territory. Flights get cancelled. Bad weather creeps up. Hotel rooms turn out to be mold infested. You get to see one another at your best and worst.

Plus, you’re spending nearly 100% of your time together. Does this bring you closer together or make you feel anxious?

He Has All of the Traits of a Good Man

Just last week, I posted an article about the qualities in a good man. You can find it here. Make sure your guy checks a lot of those boxes, specifically confidence and great communication.

If he has one or two of those traits, but that’s it, it doesn’t make him a good man. You want him to have most of those traits, not just a couple.

You also want to make sure that while he exhibits those traits early on, he continues to do so after the infatuation has dissipated and you’re seeing more of his true self.

You Consider Yourselves a Unit

Your best friend texts and invites you to a party at her house this weekend to celebrate her thirtieth birthday. Do you say, “Yeah sure I’ll be there” or “Year sure we’ll be there”? It’s subtle but important.

Additionally, when you think of your future, do you include him? Is it we or I? You might subconsciously already have your answer right there.

Most of Your Goals and Values Align

If one of you values family and wants a large family while the other values experiences and travel, you may have a problem.

You need to make sure that you align in the important areas of life. Where do you want to live? City? Country? Suburbs? Do you want to own or rent? Do you want to travel, live abroad, or settle down where you grew up?

These things are very important and if discussed too late can really cause problems. Make sure you’re both on the same page in whatever key areas matter to you.

The Bottom Line on How Soon is Too Soon to Propose

I’d like to say trust your gut here, but there’s more to it than that this time. Your gut is a great indicator of whether this guy is a good guy once you’re past the honeymoon phase, but just because he’s a good guy doesn’t mean it’s time to get married.

The signs above should help you decide when it’s the right time for the two of you. I can’t give you some number of months or years, just things to look for in each other and your relationship.

Take your time and build a great relationship together. Know who he is and what he stands for. Be willing to trust him and make sure you’re both excellent communicators.

This will get you off to a great start on your future lives together!

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22 Top Qualities in a Good Man

You’ve looked and looked but the good man eludes you, so today you’re asking, what are the qualities in a good man anyway?

The good news is that the good man is out there, and trust me, he’s as frustrated as you are. But this is about you so let’s dive right in!

What Defines a Good Man?

I suppose before we look at the qualities in a good man, we should define what a good man is by most standards.

Of course, to some degree, the words good man are subjective. What you see as a good man might not be what your friend sees, but to be clear, I’m not talking about physical appearance.

The beauty of any human being lies inside them. It’s in how they treat people, how empathetic they are, how well they control their emotions, and how successful they are in key areas of their lives. Allow me to explain.

Qualities in a Good Man: Honesty

First and foremost, a good man is honest. Yes, he might tell you you’re beautiful even when you are at your worst, but he isn’t looking at your physical beauty, he sees what’s inside.

When you are honest with one another, you have a very strong foundation for your relationship. You develop trust and value one another’s opinions because you know you’re speaking the truth.

Honesty also means being honest with your feelings. A good man has a high emotional IQ, meaning he’s in touch with his emotions and knows how to control them. If he tells you that he loves you, you can take it to the bank!

Good Men Show Empathy

When a man genuinely feels your pain and shows compassion for what you’re going through, he’s showing empathy.

This is the type of man you want. He shares in your successes and your sadness. He’s there, celebrating with you, not feeling as if he’s been one-upped.

This guy values your feelings as much as his own and he won’t disappoint.

A Good Man is Into Personal Development

Personal development means looking for ways in which you can grow as a human being. Maybe it’s taking a cooking class or learning a new skill.

One of the awesome qualities in a good man is that he values personal development, and not just his but yours too!

You can use this to build your relationship in interesting ways. Take classes together. Join two of your hobbies into one new one. Create your own personal book club.

There are tons of ways to pursue personal development, both with and without your guy.

Qualities in a Good Man: High Emotional Intelligence

Having emotional intelligence means being in touch with your own emotions for sure, but it also means being able to respond positively to someone else’s emotions. A person with high emotional intelligence recognizes emotions and responds appropriately.

Men who have high emotional intelligence form successful relationships, both in their personal and professional lives.

This type of guy is open to expressing and talking about feelings, yours and his. This can be a difficult trait to find in a guy, so if you find one, grab on!

A Good Man is Respectful

Respect means valuing others and treating them kindly, regardless of how well you know them or their social status.

Your guy is kind to elderly people in the grocery store, helps old ladies cross the street, and treats your family the same way he treats his own.

This guy is a great listener who allows someone else to speak their opinion without arguing back. He’s willing to listen, even if he disagrees, and if he speaks his own mind, it’s with kindness and patience, not anger.

Respect also extends to your boundaries. He may have hinted that he wanted sex early in your relationship, but you stood your ground and said it was too soon, and he respected it. In fact, he probably tried harder to win your trust.

Qualities in a Good Man: Vulnerability

Vulnerability is a tough one that many people struggle with. In fact, a man, even a good man, may not want to expose his vulnerabilities to you too soon, and that’s okay.

You must first become someone he can trust with his vulnerability. Society demands that men hide their vulnerabilities, seeing them as signs of weakness.

When someone is vulnerable, they’re open to experiences and emotions. They aren’t afraid to let go of control. Society has it wrong – this isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength.

And I may point out that people who find this as a weakness most likely feel threatened by this type of man.

Good Men are Reliable/Dependable

There’s nothing worse than planning a date with a guy, only to have him either forget or show up really late.

Reliable men keep their promises and commitments. If he says he’ll do something, you can count on it.

Reliability goes hand in hand with trust. The more reliable someone is, the more trust someone develops in them. No promise is too light. If he says he’ll be there to help you move, he will, even if he didn’t get any sleep the night before because his dog was sick.

This is truly a good man!

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Dating Someone with Depression

When you’re dating someone with depression, all you want to do is make them feel better. You love them and you want them to get back to their old selves, but you don’t know what to do. How can you fix this?

The problem is that you can’t fix it. It isn’t your job. What then is your job? I’m guessing that, since you’re here, you’ve been scouring the Internet looking for ways to fix your guy. Your heart breaks at his despair.

What Not to do When Dating Someone with Depression

Let’s first examine the mistakes people make in this situation. You don’t do these things to intentionally cause harm, but they may do just that.

Don’t Argue with Their Feelings

People with depression often have very negative thought patterns. You telling them that they’re wrong doesn’t help them because they believe this very strongly.

You can try to tell him what a wonderful man you think he is, but he won’t believe you because his own negative thoughts are too strong.

Instead, you’re likely to cause a disconnect and greater distance between you, and that’s the opposite of what you’re trying to do.

Accepting him as he is is a very powerful way to show your support without trying to change his narrative. Try to encourage him to share his feelings, knowing that this is very difficult for a man. He might not really know why he feels sad or hopeless but sometimes talking it out can help the cause pop through.

Don’t Get Upset When He Can’t Participate

Depression makes people want to curl up in the safety of their space and shut out the world. It decreases sex drive as well.

If you have plans with him and he bails, don’t get upset. He’s battling his internal voices, and the battle is just too hard in that moment. Instead, be understanding and suggest you reschedule for another time. Let him know you understand and aren’t angry.

If your sex life has fallen off, it’s the depression. Don’t go into a long speech about whether he still loves you or if you aren’t attractive to him any longer. He simply isn’t interested right now. It’s the depression talking, not his love for or attraction to you.

When he bails on your plans, go out and do something anyway. You don’t need to flaunt it in his face, but he may find comfort in knowing he didn’t ruin your evening. Going out anyway can also help you avoid feeling angry or frustrated at a situation you cannot control.

Set and Maintain Boundaries

Just because he’s battling depression doesn’t mean he has a license to treat you badly. You should already have boundaries about how you’re willing to be treated and those should stay firmly in place.

Of course, this doesn’t apply to him canceling his plans on you, as you just read. It does, however, apply to times when he may lash out at you with coarse language or personal attacks.

It’s okay for you to say I’m really sorry James, but as I’ve told you before, it isn’t okay for you to speak to me that way. I’m going to head out for a while so we can both calm down.”

In saying this, you’re reminding him of the boundary – that it isn’t okay for him to speak to you that way, and you’re calmly extricating yourself from the situation.

You don’t need to walk on eggshells around someone with depression. They are still responsible for their own actions.

Don’t Spend 100% of Your Time on Him

It’s never healthy to make a man your hobby, and even less so when he’s battling depression. He needs time to deal with his feelings and you need to be sure you’re taking care of yourself.

In fact, sometimes it’s a good idea to find your own therapy to help you deal with the repercussions of dating someone with depression.

You may also discover a pattern in yourself that helps you understand why you are attracted to someone who’s battling depression, if this seems to be the type of man you find.

Don’t Fight this Battle Alone

There are support groups you can look to for support and guidance. These are people who have been where you are and feel what you’re feeling right now.

It’s okay to seek help for yourself as a way of helping your relationship. The people in these groups won’t shame you or belittle you, but they may help you see where you can do things differently, either for your partner or for yourself.

How to Succeed at Dating Someone with Depression

Now that you know what not to do, let’s look at some tools you can employ to succeed in this journey.

Watch for Signs of Suicidal Thinking

Suicide is a real danger to someone battling depression. There are signs you can look for to make sure your guy isn’t sliding into this state. These signs are from the Suicide Prevention Resource Center:

Talking about feeling unbearable painHaving a fascination about death or talking about a recent deathFeeling hopeless, worthless, or trappedFeeling guilt, shame, or angerBelieving they are a burden to othersA recent suicide attemptIncreased drug or alcohol useLosing interest in personal appearance or hygieneWithdrawing from family, friends, and communitySaying goodbye to friends and familyGiving away prized possessionsA recent episode of depression, emotional distress, or anxietyChanges in eating/sleeping patternsBecoming violent or a victim of violenceExpressing rageRecklessnessHelp Him Explore Treatment Options

There is no shame in exploring treatment for depression. There are drugs and treatments available to help the brain chemistry get rebalanced. Additionally, it can help to talk to someone who can help sort out all of the negative thought processes that are flooding his thoughts.

Suggest that he reach out to his family doctor for advice on how to proceed. You shouldn’t make these appointments for him, but you can talk to him about the help that’s out there.

Offer the Support He Needs

When you’re battling depression, even the simplest tasks can seem overwhelming. For example, “Can I help you look up that phone number?” or “Can I drive you to your appointment and wait outside?”

More general questions like how can I help might be too difficult to answer because they don’t know what they need.

Be careful, however, not to be pushy. If he says no, it’s no.

Acknowledge His Victories

Small wins are everything when you’re battling depression. Just getting up and putting clothes on can be a challenge.

While it’s important not to belittle him, it’s also important to help him see his small victories, as they are usually quite big to him.

“Joe, I’m so proud of you. I know it took a lot of strength.”

Be Loving and Concerned

When you battle depression, you usually feel pretty badly about yourself. It’s okay to tell him that you love and respect him, in fact, it may help in some small way.

But it’s also okay to tell him your concerns. Sometimes, this is the motivating factor for people seeking help. It isn’t their own feelings that sends them, but the concerns of others.

Jake, I love you and I know it’s difficult for you to get out of bed, but I’m concerned for you. I’m afraid that if you don’t get some help now, your job will be in jeopardy and that will only make things worse. I need you and I want you to get help.”

Skip the Judgmental Thoughts

People with depression feel isolated. It’s like floating on an island with no life raft and nobody to talk to.

If he does share something with you, don’t judge his thoughts. Instead, encourage him to share his thoughts.

My body just feels so heavy.

That sounds very challenging. Can you tell me more?

Gently, not forcefully, encourage him to share more about how he’s feeling. Sharing might be a source of light. He may feel a sense of connection that will help him feel less isolated.

Take Care of Yourself

Just because he’s battling depression doesn’t mean you toss your own care out the window. It’s more important than ever that you make sure to practice self-care. Take time for yourself, whether it’s a walk, reading a book, or gardening. Whatever you can do to feel like you’re recharging your own batteries is great.

Educate Yourself About Depression

Do your research, and not just a few blog articles. Look for professional work on battling depression and what that means.

Dating someone with depression can cause you to feel out of control of the situation. When you gain knowledge about something, it helps you feel more in control. You’ll see the depression for what it is and feel less likely to blame yourself, or your partner, for the depression.

The truth is that he can’t just wish away his depression. It doesn’t work like that. This is an illness, a disease, just like the flu or cancer.

Try to Get Him to Exercise with You

As difficult as it is to get out of bed for someone with depression, the benefits of exercise can’t be ignored. Even if you just get him to go for a short walk, you’re stirring up some endorphins that will help him feel a little better.

Dating Someone with Depression

In the end, this isn’t your problem to solve. The most you can do is be supportive and offer kindness and empathy.

Your guy is going through something that is, for the most part, beyond his control. What is within his control is seeking professional help, and your job there can be as a support system. Offer to help him find someone if it feels too overwhelming for him. Offer to drive him if he doesn’t seem to want to do so himself.

Patience with the situation will help you both, as will your flexibility with his inability to participate in your dating life sometimes.

Above all, know that this isn’t about you, so don’t make it so. He has enough battles without trying to battle your issues.

Group environments full of people who are going through what you are can be most helpful in your journey to be a supportive girlfriend. Make sure that you’re taking care of yourself too so that you can be the best version of yourself possible.

With professional help, he can heal from his depression and he will be grateful for your patience and support.

Having an effective self-care routine is crucial to your daily peace and happiness, but many people falsely believe that self-care is simply taking a hot bath with a glass of wine and some candles.

There are so many other ways to enjoy a self-care routine and this book walks you through them, providing you with many choices on how you can implement a self-care routine into your schedule. 

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Dating for Widows: How to Get Back Into dating as a widow

Widowhood is nothing to joke about or take lightly, and neither is the topic of dating for widows. You’ve been through a very difficult time in your life and now may feel as if you’re emerging on the other side of grief and ready to get back out there.

When people first think of widows, the image of an elderly woman pops up, but not all widows are elderly women. You may have lost your young husband after a bout of cancer or because he was in the military, had an accident, or a host of other reasons.

I’m so sorry that this is the topic you had to search to find a happy relationship again, and I’m here for you. What do you say we work through this together, okay?

How do You Know When You’re Ready to Date?

This is the most important question to ask yourself. Rushing back into dating before you’re ready will not end well for you or any potential new man. There are some things you can look for that will help you know.

Your Grief Isn’t All-Consuming

It’s perfectly normal to grieve the loss of a spouse, and there are stages you go through along the way. You’ve likely experienced sadness, denial, and anger before arriving at acceptance.

It’s when you reach the acceptance stage of grief that you know you’re possibly ready to date again.

The grief, while still present, isn’t something that consumes you all of the time, instead creeping in and out for moments of time. This is normal and healthy.

You Have a Positive Outlook Again

Betty’s husband had Alzheimer’s that took a hard turn into a bad place. He was hallucinating and experiencing delusions; he became violent and had suddenly lost some physical functions. Within five weeks of this sudden turn, Betty’s husband was gone.

While the initial shock was overwhelming, Betty told her children that her husband had been gone for many years. Still, her children noticed that she wasn’t doing any of the hobbies she had previously enjoyed.

They spent time with her and slowly noticed that she was slowly getting back into things she’d previously enjoyed.

While there are still moments of grief, Betty is now fully back into her hobbies, has redone her bedroom, and seems like the person her children remember. She has returned to a positive outlook.

You Can Remember

When your grief has settled some, you’re able to talk about your spouse and share memories without feeling consumed with grief. Sure, you may feel a little sadness, but overall, you can talk about him without falling to pieces.

You might even feel comfortable sharing those stories with a potential partner somewhere down the line.

You’ve Re-Established Your Social Life

Getting back out there socially shows that you’re moving past the most consuming grief. In addition to rekindling your social life with your friends, you feel excited about the prospect of meeting new men too.

You Want a Connection, not a Replacement

Initially, you may feel the loss of your spouse and want to replace that feeling of love and companionship, but in truth, you cannot replace someone in your heart.

When you’re ready to date, you’ll realize that you want to form a new connection, not replace your spouse.

I know that it feels like word play but there is a difference. The desire for companionship with someone new isn’t the same as wanting to replace a lost love.

There is No Time Frame

Only you know when you’re ready. Others may try to push you either to get back into dating sooner than you’re ready or try to get you to hold off because they don’t want you to be hurt again.

They mean well, but only you truly know whether you’re ready.

The most important thing is not to try to date too soon. I know that your heart is aching for your lost love but wait until that constant ache turns into something less frequent.

The only timeframe you need to worry about is the one that lets you know when you’re ready.

You Can Live on Your Own

It’s possible that your husband handled many of the affairs of the home, like paying bills and arranging for maintenance. This isn’t a sexist comment, just throwing out the possibility.

It may also be that you’ve never lived on your own before and feel intimidated by the possibility.

You need to be able to handle all of this before you take on a new relationship. You should have a strong handle on your finances and also know what’s going on in your own home. Feel comfortable living alone, or just you and your kids, whatever your situation may be.

Dating for Widows: How to Get Back Out There

Once you’re sure you’re ready to date, how should you go about it? Depending on how long you were with your spouse, dating may have changed quite a bit since the last time you tried it.

Don’t Expect Everyone to Be on Board

Some people in your life might feel like you’re betraying your husband by dating again, but I can guarantee you that any great man would not want you to be alone for the rest of your life.

Your spouse wants you to be happy. Their objections more likely tell you that they aren’t as far along in the grieving process as you are. Give them time, but don’t let them dictate your actions.

If you think you’re ready, kindly tell them that you appreciate their concern, but you’re going to do what you think is best for you.

Don’t Compare New Men to Your Spouse

You’ll never find another man like the man you lost, but that’s okay. Nobody is perfect. Your husband wasn’t and neither will your new man be perfect.

Instead of looking for someone who’s like your husband, try to open your mind to the possibility of dating someone different.

In fact, date several different types of men. The first man you meet isn’t likely to be the one anyway.

As you date these different types of men, do a little debriefing after to think about what you liked and didn’t like. Some guys warrant a second or even a third date while others are a hard no right away.

Just make sure that the comparisons you’re making aren’t do your spouse, but that you’re comparing them to the type of man who’s right for you now.

Be Honest

You don’t need to tell a new man within the first five minutes that you’re a widow but be honest with him that you’re just getting back into the dating scene and you want to take things slowly.

The goal of dating is to get to know someone better and determine if you’re a fit. It isn’t step one to the altar.

You might date a couple of men and find that it still hurts too much. Be honest with those men and tell them you need more time to heal.

If you’re having a wonderful time on a date and all of a sudden, tears creep up for no apparent reason, be honest that you’re just grieving a little. Most men will understand and be patient.

Don’t Rush Yourself

The glow of a new relationship can cause people to feel like they need to rush to the next step.

Don’t.

As I said before, date several men, and yes, it’s okay to date several men at once. Until you’ve made a commitment to one, it’s okay to date a few at once. This helps you compare, boosts your dating confidence, and also injects a little competition.

Not that you need to tell men that you’re dating others, they’ll sense it because they’re probably dating other women too.

Don’t Make New Men Your Therapists

Dating isn’t about spending hours talking about your pain. If you need that, it may be time to seek a professional therapist.

Drowning your sorrows on a date is a real downer, especially on a date. This is a sure-fire way to let a new man know that you aren’t yet over the old one.

Date Multiple Men

I mentioned this previously, but it’s important to talk about it again. The ‘old fashioned’ way of dating was to date a guy and eventually get married.

Things are different now.

It’s okay, and even advised, to date multiple men at the same time. I don’t mean you should turn into a hookup machine. I’m saying it’s okay to accept a date from two or three men and not feel guilty.

I guarantee you that men are doing this, and you have no commitment to these men. You’re simply trying one another on to see if you want to keep seeing one another. Sometimes, you know on the first date. The chemistry isn’t there or he’s not at all who you thought he was going to be.

That’s okay. Say your goodbyes and move on. No guilt.

Ultimately, you’ll find yourself only dating one or two men, and eventually, someone will rise to the top.

Once you make a commitment to one another, then you should be exclusive, but you aren’t obligated to do so before then.

Know What You Want

This is where dating multiple men helps you. As you date these men, maybe keep a journal of what you like and dislike about them.

Eventually, you’ll see a trend in the traits you like and the ones you dislike, then you can slowly weed out men who have the traits you dislike and find more men with the traits you like.

This is such an important process, and you will be better for it, so don’t discount it as busy work or silly.

Problems You May Experience

This won’t be a smooth process. You’ll find some things will sneak up on you as you try to re-enter the dating world.

But if you’re prepared for them, you’ll hopefully be able to manage them easier.

Guilt

While you may pass all of the tests when it comes to determining if you’re ready to date, that doesn’t mean that you won’t have a few moments of guilt one you date.

Know that you are not being unfaithful to your spouse by dating now.

If the roles were reversed, wouldn’t you want your husband to find someone to share the remainder of his life with?

That’s what your husband wants for you now too.

This is a normal reaction to what you’re going through but know that you are not being unfaithful.

It Might Be Hard to Love Again

If you wait until you’re ready to date again, this shouldn’t pop up for you, but if it does, it’s important to know that it’s normal.

You may need to step back from dating for a while and make sure you’re ready before you try again.

You Fear You Need to Stop Loving Your Husband

Your love for your husband is real and he will always hold a place in your heart, but you don’t need to stop loving him to find love with another man.

Remember, you aren’t replacing your husband. You’re finding new companionship. Your passion for your husband can remain in your life forever, as long as it isn’t so consuming that it keeps you from being happy.

Your Children May Object

Everyone processes grief differently. While you feel ready to date, your children might not be ready for you to date yet.

This is a delicate balance, especially if your children still live at home. Don’t dismiss their feelings. They’re still grieving.

For older children, explain that you’re ready to meet other men and enjoy the companionship that may come with it.

When you have younger children, they too are still grieving, but they might not understand all of their feelings.

Explain to your kids, regardless of their age, that any man you date won’t replace their father and reassure them that it’s okay for them to love their father and like a new man in your life.

Most importantly, don’t push them.

If your children still live at home, you shouldn’t be bringing these men to your home until you’ve made sure they’re respectable human beings who won’t hurt you or your children. The man you decide to commit to is the one who should meet your kids, not the guys you date just once or twice.

You Might Be Uncertain About Your Future Goals

You might go into dating again with the idea that you just want to find someone to do things with, like going to the movie or traveling.

Then, you find yourself in love with a new man and you need to reassess what you really do want.

If you find that you still just want a companion, not another husband, that’s okay, but tell the man in your life.

If he wants marriage and you don’t, you have to work through that together.

Take some time to really think about it if you find yourself with this dilemma. You don’t need to make a decision right away, and anyone who tries to force you to is putting his insecurities off on you.

You Want to Talk About Your Husband Too Much

It’s natural for your husband to still be on your mind, but hopefully, not all of the time. Still, you might find that you slip him into your conversations with your new dates too many times.

It may be time to step back for a couple of weeks and make sure you were truly ready to date again. Having him on your mind this much is something you should move past before you date.

Dating for Widows: Wrapping Up

Probably the most important thing you can do when you consider dating again is to make sure you’re a confident, strong woman who knows what she wants and is past the extreme grief of loss.

I didn’t really talk much about confidence, but it’s as important as any of the rest of the things you read.

Confident women attract great men. Women who lack confidence attract players and losers. We both want you to find great men, so here’s where you can read up on building your confidence.

Most importantly, be patient with yourself. If you find you aren’t ready, step back and wait a couple more weeks, then try again. Eventually, you’ll be ready and then you’ll find a great man!

The post Dating for Widows: How to Get Back Into dating as a widow appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.

Life Begins Outside Your Comfort Zone

We read it everywhere in memes and just straight text, Life Begins Outside Your Comfort Zone. But what does it really mean? Does anyone really implement this in their lives?

Staying with what you know feels safe and comfortable, but it doesn’t allow you to truly experience life at its fullest.

Moving past your comfort zone is scary as heck, but it can also be exhilarating and uplifting. Some folks never even have the desire to break out of their comfort zones. For one reason or another, they’re happy living the same day over and over.

This life isn’t exciting. It’s stagnant, leaving you no room for personal growth or advancement, and that’s fine if that’s what you’re looking for, but if you want to write a great story about your life, then it’s time to embrace stepping outside of your comfort zone!

Lucky for you, I’m here to step out with you! I’m ready if you are!

Why Life Begins Outside Your Comfort Zone

It’s human nature to be resistant to change, and yet, change comes along anyway. We can’t avoid it.

As you grow up, your life naturally changes. Your body changes. Your mind changes, and you hormones change. Once adulthood hits, your whole life changes. You might go to college or technical school, or you may just enter the job market and start your career.

But even that doesn’t usually stay the same. You work hard and get a promotion. Maybe at some point, you decide to change careers but if you’re too afraid to go for it, so you stay stuck right where you are.

You meet men and date a few. Those relationships ended in breakups, except maybe the one you’re in right now. Even that may or may not be the ideal relationship, but getting out of a bad relationship seems like more work than staying in, so many just stay.

There are opportunities for change every day and everywhere and we overlook many of them, usually out of fear.

Life Begins Where Boredom Ends

This is another way of saying life begins outside your comfort zone, but it’s a little clearer on what you’re escaping.

Have you ever awakened in the morning and felt low motivation to do anything? Putting your feet on the floor seems to be pointless.

This is caused by one of two things – either you’re bored with living the same day every day or you’re overwhelmed. Either way, stepping outside of your comfort zone can help.

Exiting your comfort zone brings a little discomfort with it because you’re trying something new, which is always scary.

But it’s that fear that you must bust through. It’s the fear that keeps you from exploring and living. It’s fear that keeps us stuck living the same day every day.

When you create a balance between living inside and outside your comfort zone, you’re not only busting through the fear, but you’re also adding excitement and diversity.

Time to Kick Some Routines to the Curb

There’s nothing wrong with having a routine, except that you aren’t stimulated. You wake up, take a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, and wander out to your car to drive to work. How many times have you wondered if you locked the door, turned off the coffee pot, or closed the garage door?

This is the routine talking. Those things are so automatic that you don’t even remember doing them. Your mind wasn’t challenged in the slightest. You probably even take the same path to work every morning and come home the same way at night.

Now, think about the last time you drove in a new city. Were you on autopilot? Heck no! You were paying very close attention to where you were and what you needed to do next. Your mind was stimulated and on high alert!

While it might have been a little nerve wracking at the time, you have to admit it was a little exciting too.

Stepping outside of your comfort zone also means breaking some routines. Instead of taking the highway to work, go down some side streets. Instead of the same place for coffee or lunch, try someplace new.

What’s Comfortable?

Comfortable things that you do all of the time. They’re familiar and somewhat regular in your life.

Family dinners, traditions like apple picking or going out for special occasions are all comfortable. There’s nothing wrong with these activities, especially if you enjoy them.

These activities are safe. You know what to expect, at least to some degree, and you know what the expected outcome is likely to be.

What’s Outside Comfortable?

Outside of comfortable doesn’t have to be dangerous. As you read in the section about routines, it can be as simple as breaking your routine.

But it can also be more. Outside of comfortable can be facing a fear, like a fear of heights or of spiders. Do something that you’ve always had churning in the back of your mind but were too afraid to do, like skydiving or bungee jumping. Go kayaking or white-water rafting.

Why Should You Step Out of Your Comfort Zone?

Your current world might feel just fine, but what if your world could improve? What if it could be exciting again? What if facing your fears opens up new opportunities?

New Opportunities

Let’s imagine you’re afraid of heights but you decide to face this fear. You begin facing this fear by climbing higher in the bleachers to watch your nephews baseball game. After that feels comfortable, you decide to walk along the edge of the railing on the second story at the local mall.

Once that feels comfortable, you decide to really go for it, and you choose another elevated activity like ziplining or walking across a tall bridge. Each of these things is so darn scary but exhilarating at the same time. You feel proud of yourself for reaching what are literally new heights.

The higher you go, the more confident you feel and the more exciting your life becomes. Who knows, you might even get into something like sky diving and really enjoy it.

You recognize what you’re capable of and that you’re capable of even more.

Growth

Imagine an athlete who never tries to grow. He doesn’t visit the weight room, so he physically doesn’t grow like his teammates and competitors. He barely puts forth any effort in practice, so he stays a mediocre player.

I’m a football fan, so I’m going to use that for an example. When I watch football at the beginning of the season, it’s always exciting to see who the breakout players will be. There are always rookies, as well as players from years past.

These guys challenge themselves and one another to be better. Rookies have something to prove, and the returning players have positions to win, year after year.

If you live in the comfort zone of doing the same things you did year over year, you aren’t going to get better, and in the case of sports, you probably won’t hold your position.

Even in life outside of sports, this is true. You’ve been working in your job for several years, but a new person right out of college just got hired to join your department. She’s hungry and energetic. You can see it in her eyes – she wants to climb to the top! She’s going to leave no stone unturned as she strives to meet her goals.

And guess what, one of those stones she plans to turn over is you. She’s learned new technologies. She’s studied the most recent trends and tools for your line of work. She’s fresh and young and eager.

If you want to hold onto your job, you’re going to have to face change. You’ll need to learn those new technologies and tools. You’ll need to show that you still have the eagerness and energy to do your job, or one even higher up the food chain.

Problem Solving

Change often presents a problem, sometimes unforeseen. When you sit stagnant in your comfort zone, the solution might not be obvious to you. In fact, you might not feel that there’s any way out.

But if you reach beyond your comfort zone, you realize that there are solutions all around you. Your mind creatively seeks solutions that weren’t apparent.

Pushing past your comfort zone inspires this creative problem solving. You experience the world in new ways and see things from different perspectives. This opens your mind up to seeing things you wouldn’t have seen before.

To problem solve, you often need to reach beyond that comfort zone to learn new things, experience new things, and even live in new places. Sometimes, these things happen so quickly that you don’t even have time to think about how scary it is. You just go.

The Yerkes-Dodson Law

The Yerkes-Dodson Law states that performance increases as stress increases, and it decreases as stress decreases.

This law was developed by two scientists, Robert Yerkes and John Dillingham Dodson and it dates all the way back to 1908, but it’s age doesn’t decrease its validity.

What the law means is that when you’re living in your comfort zone, or with little stress, your performance is low, relatively speaking, but if you inject some stress or change, your performance increases.

I know a woman who challenged herself to run one race every month for a year. Her main goal was weight loss.

The problem is that she’d never been a runner before, so she had to start at zero and work her way up. Since her first race had to be in the first month of her training, she had no time to waste. She started running right away, even though the distances weren’t that long at first. Her first race was a small one and by race day, she’d run enough to finish.

To add to her success, she lost weight as well. Bonus! In the second month, she was planning to run a longer race, but she didn’t change her training very much, and by race day, she felt ill prepared.

She realized that to compete in the future races, she needed to push herself further – or in Yerkes-Dodson terms, apply stress. She ran farther and faster and by the third month’s race, she felt good about her chances.

By the end of the year, she’d hit her goal of one race per month and she lost one-hundred pounds, and she did it by continuously applying stress. She ran a full marathon by the end the year!

Rise to Above Average

Living an average life is okay, but it’s not fun or exciting. It’s average – mundane even. Who wants to be mundane?

People who are afraid, that’s who!

But you’re a woman who wants to either find a great guy or keep the great guy you have now. Average won’t do.

Why?

Men Like Mystery

Men crave mystery. That’s why a guy in a new relationship seems so excited. Yes, he’s attracted to you, but he’s also excited by the mystery of learning about you.

This is where many women go wrong early in relationships, or in online relationships. They tell too much too soon, and the mystery vanishes as quickly as it came about.

Instead of spilling your entire life story in the first three dates, or worse yet, before you actually meet, share bits of yourself each time you go out. If you’re still chatting online, spill very little. Give him tidbits until you figure out that he isn’t catfishing and until you meet him in person.

The truth is that if you have enough time in a date to spill that much about yourself it either means the date was too long or you talked too much, probably out of nerves.

When you meet a new guy and go out on dates, share little stories. Don’t try to impress him with outlandish stores that may or may not even be true. Try something like this, “Wow, that’s great that you love to travel. I’m trying to see how many stamps I can get in my passport.”

You didn’t outline every country you’ve been to or even how many stamps you may have now. You merely mentioned a challenge or goal you’ve made. He’s intrigued. It’s mystery.

How to keep a man interested

Men Also Love Challenge

When I say challenge here, I don’t mean being difficult. You need to kick him out of his complacency and boredom by changing things up a bit.

Get back into the social life you gave up when you started dating this guy.

Revisit the hobbies you had before he came along.

Get back to being the woman he fell in love with. You challenged him then. You may have been harder to get a date with because you had other plans. This challenges a guy to do better for you, to be important enough to find time on your schedule.

In the movie, Last Holiday, Georgia Byrd, played by Queen Latifah, finds out she’s going to die, so she sets out to do as many things on her wish list as possible. Meanwhile, Sean Matthews, the guy she’s dreaming of, played by LL Cool J, decides to act on his attraction to her.

The key line in the movie, for this discussion anyway, is when he approaches her for a date, soon after she finds out she’s about to die. He says, “I know you’re a busy woman, so I wanted to get on your schedule as soon as I could.” Or something along those lines. This is a guy who knows he’s interested in a woman who’s busy. He’s working to get on her schedule.

You’re Writing a Great Story

When you are mysterious and challenging, you’re automatically writing your story. Your story is ongoing and filled with all of the things you do. Taking a trip adds a chapter to your story. Having hobbies adds to your story. Going back to college in your 40’s adds to your story.

Your goal should be to keep writing your story by experiencing new things, meeting new people, enjoying your hobbies, and so on.

Your story gives you interesting things to talk about on a date. It also keeps the mystery and challenge alive.

You Achieve Your Goals

Everyone dreams of a different life. Celebrities dream of going out with their kids and not having twenty people ask for autographs. Young people dream of having that life. Some people dream of not worrying about money every day. Other people dream of a new house or a new car.

It’s natural to dream, but why not turn those dreams into goals?

My funny story about reaching a goal

But reaching for and achieving goals requires you to recognize that life begins outside your comfort zone. If you did it all of the time, you wouldn’t need to set a goal for it.

How great would it feel to actually have some of your dreams come true?

You Build Confidence

When you challenge yourself by trying to live outside your comfort zone or achieving new goals, you automatically become more confident.

Your belief in yourself grows, and that’s the definition of confidence. Belief that you can do something.

The best part is that the guys you should want to date are the confident men, and those men only date confident women. Relationships sometimes fall apart when confidence falls away.

You’re More Resilient

Living beyond your comfort zone means living with some discomfort, but many people avoid this discomfort at all costs.

However, once you experience some discomfort and recognize that you can live with a feeling of discomfort, you become more resilient.

The next time something a little uncomfortable comes along, you aren’t as afraid because you know you’ve lived through it before and that you’re a better person for it.

You Feel More in Control of Your Life

Once you set and achieve goals, build your confidence, and become more resilient, you feel more in control of your life. You understand that more of your life is within your control than you ever imagined.

You understand that you’re steering the ship and your life can look more like what you’ve imagined all along. It’s empowering!

Why It’s Hard to Leave Your Comfort Zone

If this was easy, you wouldn’t be here. You’d be out busting the walls of your comfort zone.

Leaving your comfort zone requires applying that stress you read about above. It requires you to swallow some anxiety and push past fear.

Those aren’t easy things to do.

It also requires you to challenge the way you think and blow past limiting beliefs that are holding you back.

You must become mentally immune to fear and pain, recognize that they’re fleeing emotions, just like joy and happiness can be.

I like to equate negative emotions to leaves floating on a stream. They approach and you may or may not see them coming, then they come closer and get right in front of you. You can reach out and touch them, but they continue to float by, unless you pluck them out of the water and hold onto them. Once you let them go, they float away, as smoothly as they arrived.

The problem is when you pull them out of the water and keep them, instead of letting them float away, they begin to rot and decay instead of adding to your life.

How to Live Outside Your Comfort Zone

Sometimes a situation comes along that requires you to step outside of your comfort zone and you don’t have a choice.

But when you’re in the driver’s seat, what can you do?

Set Goals

You read about this above and I have a whole workbook you can buy for less than a cup of coffee.

Plan to Succeed

A goal is a written statement, an intention. But you need more. You need a plan. What are the steps you need to take to reach that goal?

What obstacles might you encounter? How can you overcome them?

By planning for success, you organize your thoughts and recognize any shifts necessary in the timeline of your goal.

ACT!

There is a space between wanting something and having it, and that space is filled with either action or the lack of action.

It’s that action or inaction that defines whether you launch yourself out of your comfort zone or remain in it.

Plans are great, but they’re nothing without acting.

Be Flexible

When things need adjustment, don’t give up. Adjust. If you need more time to reach a goal, extend your timeline. If you want to shoot a little higher, adjust the goal a little higher.

Many people give up on their goals once the first trip-up happens. You weigh in and you didn’t lose as much weight as you wanted in that timeframe, so you quit.

Instead of quitting, adjust. Do you need to exercise more? Are you eating as well as you can?

Don’t quit. Adjust.

Continue Making New Goals

Once you meet a goal, set a new one. Never stop. Having goals is an ongoing thing. Set one and meet it, then set another. Better yet, go after more than one at a time!

Challenge yourself and write that great story!

Remember, goals help you build confidence and high confidence gets you the best of the men out there!

Life Begins Outside Your Comfort Zone – That’s a Wrap!

Hopefully by now, you’re ready to launch out of your comfort zone. You see the wisdom of facing fears and staring them down. You understand the value of setting goals and reaching them.

The benefits of living outside of your comfort zone far outweigh staying inside that comfort zone.

There is so much life out there to live, so face those fears, set those goals, and get out there! The next chapter of your story is just waiting to be written, and a great guy is out there waiting to hear it!

Learn how to set life-changing goals – the kind of goals you won’t drop in 48 hours – with this awesome workbook! Just click the button below to start today!

This workbook will walk you through setting goals that are meaningful to you and will help you improve your life in ways you never imagined!

Stop sitting by, watching others achieve their goals. In fact, forget about them! This is about you and your new-found ability to have the life you want. 

The workbook is a digital download, so once you complete your purchase, which is less than a cup of coffee, you will be on. your way!

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