Gregg Michaelsen's Blog, page 2

How to Overcome Long Distance Relationship Problems

Long distance relationship problems can feel difficult to resolve since you may not be able to do so face-to-face like a more traditional relationship. Something minor can quickly turn into a huge problem if you don’t have the tools to manage and overcome the issues at hand.

Still, all is not lost. You can solve long distance relationship problems by gathering the right tools and knowing how to use them.

Let’s dig into some of the more common problems and how you can move past them in your relationship.

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

Whether you’re long distance or not, communication is the number one best way to keep a relationship on track.

The challenge in a long-distance relationship is that it may be more challenging to communicate sometimes.

Schedule Time for Regular Communication

You don’t need to speak every day, whether you’re long distance or not, however, it is important to set aside some time to talk to one another.

And I’m not talking about the wishy-washy stuff. I mean the important things that people in relationships should discuss. Think of it as part of your regular date night, or maybe a second date night each week.

During these conversations, be open and honest with one another about any concerns that might have popped up since you last spoke, as well as any plans you may have to see one another.

Use this time to really connect, not be superficial.

Be Open and Honest

Relationships are built on your ability to be open and honest with one another. If you can’t trust this person with your stuff, who can you trust?

And trust is at the root of a good relationship, right behind that good communication.

It allows you both to feel comfortable sharing your vulnerabilities, knowing that your partner won’t hold them against you or make fun of you for them.

Even if you think your partner won’t like what you have to say, you must keep this open and honest approach.

Listen First

All too often, we don’t truly listen to the person we’re speaking with. They’re speaking and we’re either just plain not paying attention or we’re working up our own story that’s better than theirs.

Listening engages you in the conversation and lets the speaker know that you value what they have to say. You aren’t scrolling Facebook on your phone while he’s telling you how his boss ripped into him earlier in the week and how crappy that made him feel.

If you’re discussing something important, restate the important thing your partner said in your own words so you’re sure you understand. This helps avoid arguments because you’re both clear on the issue at hand.

Use Facetime or Zoom to Stay Connected

Using a video app helps you stay better connected. Being able to see someone’s face helps you put the conversation in the proper context.

It’s much easier to see if he’s joking or playing around versus saying something in a more serious tone if you can see his face.

It also helps make the distance between you float away, at least for a little while.

Have Some Communication Boundaries

This is a good idea for any relationship, near or far.

There is no good reason to be texting someone every minute of every day. You have jobs, hobbies, friendships, and other activities to do throughout the day and having a phone in your hand isn’t necessary.

Aside from that, if you are back and forth all day, it gives you nothing to talk about when you see one another again, whether through technology or in person.

Set some realistic communication boundaries that the two of you can agree upon, and that establish a balance you can both live with.

Build TrustDon’t Withhold Important Information

Just because you’re in a long-distance relationship, it doesn’t mean you should keep secrets from one another.

Things always come out in the end, and the longer you keep important things hidden, the more hurt is delivered when the truth comes out.

When you first meet someone, it’s easier to build trust, but if that trust is broken, it’s much more challenging to gain that same level of trust back.

Trust is a big issue especially in long-distance relationships, especially if your confidence in relationships is low to begin with. By being honest and open with one another, you avoid jealousy issues and other problems that come with a lack of trust.

Don’t Borrow Trouble

When you live far away from your loved one, it’s so easy to allow your imagination to run wild.

He always texts you before he goes to bed, usually around ten or so, but last night, he didn’t text at all.

So, now you’re wondering if he was out with another woman, or is he injured or sick? Did he just decide to break up with you and not tell you?

Rather than jumping to conclusions and letting your anxiety run amok, check in with him, kindly, and find out what’s going on.

It may be that he and a friend decided to go out for beers and to watch the football game and he got in too late to text. Maybe he got stuck at work late and didn’t get a chance to text because he was so busy.

Ask, don’t assume.

Share Your Life

This one is tricky because you want to include him in your life, but he doesn’t need a minute-by-minute playback.

Still, share what’s going on in your life. Let him celebrate your wins with you and share in your grief over losses. If you learned a new hobby, show him what you made. I guarantee he’ll think it’s awesome, so don’t worry about it being less than perfect.

Include him as if he lived close by and let him be a part of things too. You’ll not only build trust but a deeper level of intimacy because you’re sharing those things.

Build & Maintain an Emotional ConnectionPlan Your Time Together

How much time you get to spend together will depend on many factors, including how much distance there is between you and the cost of travel. Driving two hours is much cheaper than a four-hour flight.

Your time apart can be used to generate excitement about the next visit. Sometimes, it’s even fun to prepare a goody box to send ahead of your visit with small gifts or things you know he loves.

These gifts might include things like tickets to see a show together or a menu from a new café you want to check out together.

Your visits don’t need to be filled with out of the house activities, though, so maybe you order a grocery delivery that comes the day you arrive so you can cook something together.

The sky is the limit, but by planning, you create excitement and anticipation for the visit, which helps build that emotional connection!

Maintain a Connection While Apart

Even though you’re apart, you can still do things together. Put together a care package full of his favorites and ship it off. You can even be together when he opens it by planning one of those Zoom or Facetime calls.

Something else you can do to stay connected is watch a concert on YouTube or tune into your favorite music and dance together.

Another favorite is to choose a book to read together and choose times to talk about it as you go along – sort of your own book club, just the two of you.

Remember to Appreciate One Another

While appreciation is a love language, it’s also a great way to remind your partner that you’re grateful to have him in your life.

Everyone likes to be appreciated, so showing your appreciation is a great way to make your partner feel special.

Don’t Overlook the Challenges

Every single relationship has challenges. There is no relationship that is perfect, regardless of distance.

Be Patient with One Another

When one of you is feeling particularly stressed, be patient instead of impatient. By not being able to see one another more often, you’re missing visual cues that your partner might be feeling anxious or stressed in his job.

Instead of being judgmental, try just allowing him time to decompress and work through whatever is bothering him.

If he says he just wants a quick chat instead of a longer talk, let it be. He might need some time to sort through things, and men do that best when they have time to themselves.

He’ll let you know when he’s feeling more like himself.

Ask For His Support When You Need It

If you need him to be patient with you while you work your way through something, ask him. He’ll understand. Additionally, if you need help with something, ask him. Just because there’s physical distance between you doesn’t mean that you need to put emotional distance there as well.

Let him know what you’re struggling with. Men love to help solve problems; it’s a way of showing their love.

Practice a Little Mindfulness

When all else fails, a journal is a great tool. Sometimes, when you write, you’re surprised by the things that come out.

Journaling is a great way to sort out your feelings and help you make sense of what’s going on around you.

Life in the moment. Try some meditation. Slow down and just let yourself exist in that one moment.

Maintain Your ‘Regular’ Life

It’s very common to shut out your friends and quit hobbies when you’re in a relationship, but this is a big mistake.

Maintain Your Outside Friendships

Maintain your friendships and spend time with your friends. Keep going to girls’ night. Do those Yoga classes. Keep working on your hobbies.

You were doing those things when you met your partner, so why would you stop, especially since you have plenty of time.

Get Into a Routine

Routines are great for keeping life in order. By having a routine, you build in the time you need to get your work done while still spending time with those friends and working on those habits.

It helps you stay focused on the things that are truly important!

Remember Why You’re in the Relationship

Sometimes, it can be difficult to remember why you chose to have a long-distance relationship. You’re tired and frustrated and you haven’t seen your guy in a while. You might be wondering what’s the point?

Sit down and remember why this guy is special to you. Why is he worth the travel? What makes him the guy you want to spend time with?

Resolve Your Issues ASAP

This goes back to the communication piece, so I’m not going to spend a lot of time here.

Instead of sweeping problems under the rug, be honest and open with your partner. Talk things out, rather than ignore them.

Also, adopt a mentality that you can forgive and move on. Forgiveness helps the wounds heal and keeps us from becoming bitter.

It also enables you to just fight one problem at a time. If you don’t forgive things, they just work their way back into new arguments.

Wrap Up

Every relationship has problems. Every one. If someone tells you their relationship is perfect, they’re lying to you.

It isn’t the fact that you have problems, it’s how you go about solving those problems that matters.

If you remain open and honest with one another and commit to spending time together, even when you’re apart, you’ll find yourselves in a happy relationship, rather than a floundering one.

Maintain outside friendships, hobbies, and activities and continue to be the woman he fell for in the first place.

Give one another grace and make sure to show one another that you appreciate each other.

Those things will help you build a great relationship, regardless of distance!

The post How to Overcome Long Distance Relationship Problems appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.

How to Stop Fighting in a Relationship

There are many reasons why couples fight and most of them can be fixed if you understand how to stop fighting in a relationship.

Today, I want to walk you through some of the underlying reasons you and your partner are fighting, and then together, we can look at how to stop.

Why do Couples Fight?

The truth is that each and every one of us is uniquely different from everyone else. Even twins aren’t exactly the same. We each come into the world with our own talents, challenges, and desires.

This means you’ll never find someone who’s exactly like you, and how boring would it be if you did?

The alternative, however, is that you’re with someone who’s different than you, and that’s okay. This helps you grow and develop as an individual and see the world from a new perspective.

Still, sometimes these differences, as well as other factors, can be too challenging to overcome and the result is fighting. Lots of fighting.

Because We’re All Different

The first reason is just what we’ve discussed – we’re all different. Before you met your partner, you had your own goals, likes, dislikes, preferences, dreams, needs, and personalities.

But something drew you to one another. Something clicked. Those differences fell away, if seemingly temporarily, and you fell in love with one another, despite the differences.

Daily Life Disagreements

Some couples fight over the things that come up frequently, like money, sex, chores, raising the kids, and family issues or external conflicts.

Many times, these types of disagreements are rooted in poor communication and can be solved through more open and honest communication.

For other couples, the disagreements occur because of how you learned to manage those tasks. You may have come from a family who valued paying your bills on time, while your partner’s family barely scraped by and struggled with money.

By communicating and working together, you can usually come to a resolution that fits both of your value systems and needs.

Different Values and Goals

This is truly one of those things you should sort out before you get this far into a relationship. It isn’t a first date conversation, but it is a conversation you should have as your relationship deepens.

Getting together with someone who wants to travel while you want to have kids is going to create some pretty good friction.

Still, if you’re this deep into your relationship, there are things you can do to work on those disagreements. For example, if your partner wants to travel more, but you now have a child or two, you can either schedule some mini vacations for the two of you, or some family vacations. You can always bring along a babysitter, like Grandma or a favorite aunt to give the two of you some time alone.

Being Too Individually Focused

Sometimes it happens that one partner becomes very focused on him or herself. Maybe your boss has promised you a promotion if you do a great job on your next project, but that means learning some new things and really focusing on your job.

For others, it may be more cosmetic. Sometimes, a partner gets focused on working out to the point of spending hours upon hours at the gym. While the focus on health is good, the time away from the relationship will cause problems.

If you notice yourself being too focused on what’s going on just in your life or on a life goal, step back a bit and bring your partner into the fold.

It’s possible to engage him in your interests or you can pull back a little and find some time to spend with him doing something you both enjoy.

Power and Control Issues

There’s no relationship more challenging than a relationship between two alphas. The power struggle is inevitable unless you know how to manage the situation.

And it is manageable.

You can check out more in this article.

Unmet Needs

It can be very scary to put yourself out there in a relationship, even one you’ve been in for a while.

The problem is that then, your needs are most likely not being met. Then, you’re frustrated because he isn’t doing what you wish he would do. But this is mostly because he doesn’t know what you want him to do.

Instead of keeping those things inside, sit down together when you’re both happy and discuss the issue.

Most men in love will work very hard to show their love through actions. Nothing pleases a guy more than doing something for the woman he loves.

He wants to be the guy you want him to be, but he can’t be if he doesn’t know what that means, to you.

A Serious Breakdown in Communications

The truth is that if you can’t enjoy open and honest communication with your partner, nothing else matters. Most of the issues you’re reading about here today can be resolved, at least in part, with better communication.

And communication isn’t just speaking, it’s listening. In fact, the most important aspect of communicating is listening.

But you cannot listen if you aren’t hearing him. What I mean by this is if you’re so wrapped up in your own misery, you won’t be able to see or understand his.

You both must force yourselves into seeing the other person’s perspective if you’re to have any hope of resolving your differences. Set aside your own egos long enough to realize that your partner is hurting, and you want to know how to fix it.

How Can You Stop Fighting?Change How You Communicate

One of the most important things you and your partner can do is recognize that fighting may be the way you communicate and that what you need is a new system of communication. Many people grow up in an environment where every time someone communicates, it’s through yelling.

But when someone yells at you, how do you feel? Attacked? Belittled? Bullied?

And this makes you want to do what? Defend yourself? Crawl into a shell? Fight back?

None of those feelings or responses are healthy ways to communicate with someone you’re supposed to love.

When things are calm and quiet, you can try to approach your partner and discuss all the fighting. Not everything needs to be an argument, but maybe, habitually, it is.

If this starts another argument, simply walk away. Don’t be mean about it.

You know Gregg, I wanted to calmly discuss this with you, but this doesn’t seem like a good time. When you feel like you can calmly discuss this with me, let me know.

Sometimes, just calling someone out on their behavior wakes them up to it. He might not realize he wasn’t being calm to begin with.

On the other hand, if his behavior makes you feel unsafe, it may be time to get out of the relationship. More on that later.

Give Active Listening a Try

People think that communication is all about talking, but it may be more about listening. Everyone wants to be heard, and often, we yell because we don’t think we’re being heard.

That yelling may not come in the form of vocal expression. It might be a lot of tattoos or dying your hair Christmas red – things to bring attention to yourself.

Or it might be through yelling.

Active listening involves not just hearing someone else’s words but noticing their body language too.

For example, arms folded over your chest is known as closed body language. It means you aren’t really receptive to the conversation. Looking down or away may signal shame or a lack of interest in the conversation.

But listening also involves shutting down your own brain while the other person is speaking. Someone who lacks confidence will interrupt the speaker, formulate their own, better response while the other person is listening, or maybe just check out completely.

Instead, invest in what the speaker is saying. Truly hear the words, not how they relate to you, but how they relate to the speaker.

Save thinking up your own response for after the speaker has finished. By the time they’re done, if you’re really listening, you might say something different than what you were planning in the middle of their statement.

Pause Before Speaking

Once the speaker has stopped talking, take a moment to reflect on what was said. This is especially important if you’re in the middle of a disagreement.

Once you’ve reflected for a moment, repeat back what you think you heard.

Gregg, it feels like you just said that you want to spend more quality time together as a couple, rather than with friends all the time. Is that right?

It might feel childish, but many misunderstandings begin right there – not fully getting what the speaker just said to you.

Regardless of how well you try to listen, we tend to inject our own experiences into what other people say. By repeating it back, you can make sure that what you understand is what was said.

He may say, Yes, I enjoy our friends, but I feel like we don’t have enough time alone together. I’d like to fix that.

Now you have something to work with.

See the Situation Through Someone Else’s Eyes

It’s important to take a moment or two to try to see the situation through the speaker’s perspective.

You’re both coming at your relationship from different places, but nobody likes to change, so everyone can quickly become unhappy if neither of you takes the time to consider the other person’s point of view.

Additionally, some folks may have triggers from their past life that you don’t intend to set off. A random blow up over something that seems innocuous to you may mean you’ve accidentally set off a trigger.

Kate began dating too soon after her divorce and found herself with a few triggers. Out of the blue, her new boyfriend would say something, and she’d just fly off the handle. She always regretted it, but it took a bit of introspection for her to realize what was happening.

Her ex-husband had been emotionally abusive and something her new boyfriend said, not intending to be abusive, struck a nerve.

Once she learned that she had triggers, she was better able to control her reactions. She also took a few moments to explain to her new boyfriend what had happened, asking for his patience and apologizing for her blowup.

Give one another a little grace to overcome past hurts and bad habits. Be willing to listen, truly listen, to what your partner is saying and recognize where they’re coming from.

Acknowledge One Another’s Feelings

Whether you agree with their feelings and emotions or not, acknowledge them.

Many times, people hide their feelings, and this just makes a situation worse. Instead of tiptoeing around one another’s feelings, allow a safe space where you can each share how you’re feeling about any situation that comes up.

If you can’t be honest with one another, you don’t have a very solid foundation for your relationship.

Get to the Real Root of the Problem

Many times, the argument isn’t really about what it seems to be about. There is often a deeper root cause.

To do so, try some of these questions:

Where is this coming from?How long has this been going on?Why can’t we see eye-to-eye?How can we better understand one another’s point of view?How can we move forward from here?

These answers might not come right in the moment, but once you plant the seed and let it sit for a while, the answers will usually come. Once you have a better handle on where it’s coming from, it’s easier to work through it.

Step Away

Sometimes, it’s just time to walk away from the argument. Nothing good comes when emotions are high. In fact, those emotions prevent you from thinking logically, so you’re not going to solve anything anyway.

Stepping away allows you to calm down and take a breath. It also allows a break in the argument, which is necessary.

Additionally, you’re both probably to the point of just wanting to win the argument, regardless of how it impacts the other person. There is no winner if you both walk away – but there’s no loser either. You’re simply waiting until you’re both calmer and can discuss things logically.

Whether you physically walk away or simply retreat into your own mind for a bit, stepping away allows you to regain perspective and go at things from a calmer position.

Figure Out If You Can Move Forward and How to do So

Once you’ve calmly talked things through and done your work, it’s time to determine how you move forward so that you don’t keep rehashing the same old stuff over and over.

Hopefully, you’ve developed an understanding of the root problem, and you can both determine what changes you can make to put this disagreement behind you.

The changes can be big or small, but one thing is for sure. If you change nothing, you’ll be right back here again, sooner than later.

If it looks like your differences are too great to overcome, then your only option is to end the relationship. If you can’t agree to disagree or learn how to resolve your differences, there’s no point in continuing the relationship.

Fight Only About the Current Disagreement

When people argue, they tend to dig up every single previous argument or grievance they’ve ever had with that person.

This isn’t fair. Keep your disagreement about the current problem. If you have other unresolved problems, work them out at another time.

Once a disagreement is settled, you must let it go. Forgive one another and move forward.

Wrapping Up

Whether you separate or stay together, there is at least one thing to be learned from the experience of sorting out your differences.

If you had to split up, you now know what’s important to you in a mate, and you can look for those things, as well as making sure you don’t end up with someone who’s just like the person you just broke up with.

Take some time to become you, out of a relationship, before you jump back into another one. This will help you immensely in choosing your next love interest.

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The post How to Stop Fighting in a Relationship appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.

How to Overcome the Seven Year Itch

Some couples in a relationship reach a point at about year seven when they become bored, restless, and dissatisfied, often called the seven year itch. They feel a need for something new, which can put their relationships at risk. This restlessness may come a little before or after seven years. It’s a ballpark number.

How can you overcome the seven-year itch? Today, I’m going to give you some pointers!

But First, Why?

Why do relationships slam into this hiccup? What’s going on in the background to cause this boredom?

First, the relationship has probably gone past that honeymoon phase where everything is glorious and good. That can make things feel like they’re stalling out.

Additionally, life can feel like it’s too routine and scheduled. Every day is the same as the one before. That, combined with the end of the honeymoon phase can make the relationship feel very boring.

Now, one or both of you are doubting the relationship, wondering if you need a change. As you transition into doubting whether the two of you are compatible, it may feel like the one constant – the marriage – feels itchy.

Next, you’re scrutinizing the marriage, reviewing it with a big old magnifying glass and little things suddenly feel very big.

What Does the Seven Year Itch Look Like in a Relationship?

There are a few clear signs that your relationship might be approaching the seven year itch:

Poor communicationLack of physical or emotional intimacyIncreased conflict – arguing, hurtful words, criticismSecret-keepingA lack of meaningful time togetherFeeling unappreciatedLack of trustFantasizing about finding a girl/boyfriendA general feeling of dissatisfactionHow to Overcome the Seven Year ItchUse Honest Communication

Great communication is the essence of any great relationship. This is not up for debate. It’s a fact!

That makes your number one tool for overcoming the seven-year itch to make sure you keep communicating with one another. Rather than internalizing these feelings of boredom, express them with your partner. It’s possible that he’s feeling the same way.

Be honest about how you’re feeling. It isn’t a judgement on him, or you. It’s just how you feel.

Rather than arguing, work on finding things you can do together that will stoke the fire and add some excitement to your lives.

Be willing to listen to your partner and brainstorm together how to overcome this roadblock.

Add a Little Spark!

Remember when you were first dating, and the spark was alive? That’s what has flittered out a little, so it’s time to reignite it. But how?

It’s easy when a relationship is new to enjoy that spark. You’re always learning new things and doing new things together.

You haven’t lost that, it’s just been shoved in the closet, and it’s time to drag it out!

Plan a surprise for your partner – cook his favorite dinner or go to his favorite restaurant. Maybe you surprise him with something from when you were first dating, like repeating a fun date or going to the place where you enjoyed your first date.

You can also plan an adventure together, like a hiking trip in a new location, trying something new together, or taking a trip to a destination you’ve both been wanting to visit.

Squash the Seven Year Itch with Time Together

By the seven-year mark, some couples have children together and life has gotten a little busy. If not children, careers can push you into a place where there’s less time for each other because careers have taken a front seat, making the seven year itch a greater possibility.

It’s time to schedule time to be together. Many couples, when planning their weekly or monthly schedules, automatically ink in a date night or two.

Notice I said ink, not pencil.

This makes that time together a priority. It’s a kid-free, tech-free time when you get together and regroup as a couple. Maybe you talk about that trip you want to take or other things going on in your relationship.

*Note* this isn’t a time for arguing or discussing antagonistic topics.

Evaluate Your Assumptions

When your feelings about your relationship are negative, you can get caught up in your own head and fail to recognize the feelings of your partner.

Instead of asking him what he’s thinking or feeling, you assume, and usually incorrectly. This is often your own anxiety over the situation taking over.

By the same token, don’t expect him to know or understand what you’re thinking or feeling.

Open and honest communication is key. You can’t be afraid to say what you’re feeling or to ask him what he’s feeling. You might not like the answer, but then again, the solution may be hiding behind unspoken words!

Spend More Time Together

I think that a great way for couples to be closer to one another is to find a hobby to share or combine a hobby you each have into a new hobby.

For example, if your guy is into cars and you’re into photography, you can go to car shows and take great photos. If he’s into gardening and you love to write, start a gardening blog where you share tips and advice. Perhaps one of you loves to cook and the other enjoys creating beautiful tablescapes. Have parties and invite friends over to enjoy the cooking and the visuals.

The point is to share an interest in something and spend time together pursuing that interest. It could be travel, gardening, cooking, building things, working on cars, or a host of other activities.

Appreciate One Another

This is an often-overlooked thing in many relationships. We get so caught up in life that we forget to say thank you, even for the smallest things.

And yet, those two words can mean so much. It can be the lift you need at the end of a busy day; or it can be a bright star in an otherwise crappy day.

For some people, appreciation is their love language, which means it’s even more important to them.

Re-Evaluate Your Friendships

Do you have a circle of friends (couples) who are in healthy or toxic relationships? If your friends are all in the midst of breakups or miserable relationships, it can naturally bleed into yours as well.

Make sure that the people you’re hanging with, whether as a couple or individually, are positive and upbeat people who lift you up, instead of bringing you down. This doesn’t mean you abandon friends who are going through something tough, but guard yourself against getting sucked into the I’m so miserable mantra.

Try Counseling

Sometimes, the rut is too deep and it’s best to seek professional counseling. Couples’ counselors are trained to manage these very situations, and they can help you iron out the difficulties.

They know just what to look for, which questions to ask, and how to help you work your way out of that deep rut.

What Not to Do When the Going Gets Tough

Just as there are things to do to help your relationship during the seven year itch, there are things you shouldn’t do.

Avoid Seeking Comfort in the Wrong Places

While that guy your best friend just dumped is handsome and all, avoid seeking comfort through him. In fact, unless it’s your gay best friend, avoid seeking comfort or advice from any guy – other than me, of course.

Sharing the negative details of your relationship might place you in a more intimate situation than you originally intended and could lead to something you’ll regret later.

Avoid Drugs and Alcohol

Seeking solace from alcohol or a mood-altering drug isn’t a permanent fix and will only lead to trouble later.

If you’re a recovering addict, reach out to your sponsor or a counselor and get the guidance you need to move past the cravings.

If you aren’t a recovering addict, the pull can still be very strong, but mood altering drugs aren’t the answer and they won’t make you brave enough to have that conversation you need to have.

Avoid a Shopping Spree

While there’s no disputing that a shopping spree often feels good at the time, you can soon have buyer’s remorse and then, instead of feeling great, you feel even worse.

All a shopping spree does is lift some hormones for a while, but once the spree is over and the hormones are gone, the same problems still exist, except now you’ve spent money you probably shouldn’t have spent.

Don’t Change Jobs or Careers

When you’re experiencing a disruption in your relationship, it’s a bad time to disrupt another part of your life too.

The truth of the matter is that your generalized unhappiness is stemming from something other than your career, so get your relationship in order first, then tackle the job situation.

If such a decision is really imperative, discuss it with your partner, don’t just make a blanket decision, assuming that the relationship is nearly over anyway, so what the heck…

Don’t Retreat Further into Yourself

While it might feel like a way to feel safer, it’s no way to solve the relationship issues you’re experiencing. Instead, be open and honest with your partner about how you’re feeling. The only way to solve this is to go straight through it, not to retreat away from it.

How Do You Know if it’s Really Over?

Sometimes, the damage is done and there’s just no clear way through the problems you’re battling. But how do you know?

You’re Experiencing Domestic Abuse

Not all abuse is physical. Some is emotional.

Gaslighting is an example of emotional abuse. When someone is gaslighting you, they’re trying to force you to believe a reality that isn’t actually real. For example, someone may convince you that you’re not competent enough to manage your finances, just so they can steal from you.

Of course, physical abuse is just that. Someone is physically hurting you, possibly making you believe you’re a terrible person who deserves it.

As difficult as it is to leave a situation like this, you must. There are professional people and organizations available to help you safely leave this type of relationship. Check your local area for resources if you need them.

When Counseling Doesn’t Help

A counselor will advise you if your relationship can or cannot be saved. Their effort will be to save it, but there also comes a time when the reality is that something cannot be saved.

By seeking counseling first, you know you’ve tried everything possible to save the relationship before ending it.

Additionally, I have an article that will help you identify signs that a relationship is over.

Wrapping Up How to Overcome the Seven Year Itch

Not all relationships hit this roadblock, but some do, and if your relationship is one, then using better communication, trying to spark things up, and focusing more on spending time with one another will help you get back on track.

Too often in our society today, couples are too quick to give up on one another, leaving yet another broken relationship to heal from in their wake. By shifting your focus from your boredom and unhappiness to doing things together and making one another happy, you have a better chance of soothing that itch and moving on together!

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Keeping Secrets in Relationships

Keeping secrets in relationships might feel like a good idea at the time, but ultimately, they cause much more harm than good.

Most often, we keep secrets as a protective measure. We’re either afraid of repercussions, embarrassment, or of hurting someone else.

But keeping secrets in relationships can cause real harm and often feel like deep betrayal. Today, I’d like to dig into why people keep secrets, the harm it can do, and whether it’s possible to overcome that damage.

One thing before we dig in. I want to distinguish the difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy involves not sharing things that don’t directly impact your relationship, like something work-related. Secrecy involves not sharing something that is relevant to the relationship or could potentially harm it.

Why Do People Keep Secrets?

It seems logical to start here, doesn’t it? Why do people keep secrets? We’ve been doing it since the beginning of time, so it isn’t something new.

Keeping Secrets in Relationships to Protect Yourself

It’s natural to want to protect yourself from harm of course, but sometimes that protective measure can ultimately cause more harm than good.

Avoid Judgement

One reason you might keep a secret is to avoid being judged by someone. Let’s say you’ve met a new guy, and you really like him, but you’re afraid that if you tell him you’re a recovering alcoholic, he may judge you and shy away.

So, you keep that secret from him, thinking it’s not really very important anyway. You haven’t had a drink in years, afraid he’ll judge you for what you believe is a prior weakness.

Allow me to play devil’s advocate for a second, okay?

Suppose you told him about your recovery journey and instead of weakness, he sees incredible strength. He recognizes that recovering from alcoholism is very difficult, and the fact that you’ve been sober for several years is admirable.

In fact, he supports you in your sober journey and abstains from alcohol himself.

We cannot control what others think and feel, but it is important for any potential partner to know all of you so he can love all of you. If he truly loves you, he won’t judge you for your past but will instead see it as part of what makes you the beautiful woman you are today.

Conversely, a man who does judge you for your past shouldn’t be part of your future anyway, so see ya later pal!

Avoid Negative Consequences

Sometimes, people keep secrets to avoid more serious consequences, like legal or social repercussions.

It may be that releasing your secret will cause you to experience some very negative consequences, like revealing that you’ve been having an affair with your best friend’s ex-boyfriend. Socially, this may put you in danger of losing not only that friendship, but the friendships of those who will stand with your friend.

You may keep your political affiliation a secret, fearing that you’ll lose friends if they know you’re on the opposite side.

Self-Preservation

Sometimes, we see keeping a secret as a way to keep ourselves from getting hurt or avoid a conflict with someone.

For example, you may see something going on at work that is wrong – so very wrong that you really should tell someone to keep others from being harmed. So you do it – you become a whistle-blower, but you don’t want the whole world to know.

Often, whistle-blowers get a bum rap and that’s the last thing you want, but you are still committed to doing the right thing.

Another secret kept for self-preservation is if you’re a victim of domestic abuse. Even though friends and family can see the bruises and scars, you deny, deny, deny out of self-preservation. The fear of retaliation from your abuser is real and it’s strong so you keep the secret.

Maintain Confidentiality

Sometimes, a secret must be kept so you can keep your promise of confidentiality, whether it’s a workplace confidentiality or a promise you made to a friend.

Those promises aren’t made lightly, and in the case of workplace confidentiality, you may put yourself at legal risk if you divulge anything.

Keeping Secrets Because of Low Self-Esteem

Sometimes, we keep secrets because self-esteem is low, and you fear people won’t accept you if you share. Instead of prioritizing the truth, you put the opinions of others ahead of your own opinion of yourself, making secret-keeping a necessity.

These types of secrets might relate to your past, your finances, your true living situation, or a host of other things that you think others will judge you for. You crave their acceptance, so you keep those things a secret.

The Consequences of Keeping Secrets in Relationships

Secret-keeping never ends well. There are several negative consequences that can harm your relationship.

Emotional Distress

The stress of keeping a secret weighs on you to the point of emotional distress. You may feel guilty for not sharing your secret with your partner, or you might feel anxious that he’ll figure it out and leave you.

You may also feel isolated because you have this secret and you’re so terrified of someone finding out that you socially isolate yourself as a means of protection.

Eroding Trust

While your partner might not know right now that you have a secret, he will eventually find out, one way or another.

When he does, he will feel as if he can’t trust you like he did before. This is true of any relationship you have. The person who’s been kept in the dark will often feel betrayed and will find it hard to believe the things you say moving forward.

Health Issues

Keeping secrets is stressful and puts you in a state of chronic stress, which, in turn, causes damage to your mind and body.

When you’re experiencing chronic stress, you’re essentially in a constant state of fight or flight, with the hormones associated with that stress constantly flowing through your body.

These hormones are meant to be temporary, turned on and off when required, so to have them running all of the time causes many problems like a higher risk of heart attack, high blood pressure, sleep issues, sexual dysfunction, headaches, and a host of others.

Limited Growth

By keeping a secret, you’re stalling out your relationships and probably some aspects of your life.

In today’s world of everything being available to find online, it’s difficult to keep some secrets, so eventually, someone will find out. But meanwhile, what damage are you doing to yourself and others?

For one, your relationship with your partner will stall out at some point. You may feel ashamed without your partner having a clue as to why. Additionally, you might inadvertently put emotional distance between yourself and your partner as a means of protecting that secret.

Lack of Resources

When you keep a secret, you’re limiting the resources available to trouble-shoot the problem.

Sometimes, friends and family members can see solutions that you cannot, but by keeping them out of the loop, they just know something is wrong, but they don’t know what to do to help. Whether you mean to or not, you’re putting distance between you and others by not allowing them to help.

Relationship Toxins

Imagine that your relationship is like a garden. When it’s new, it’s mostly seedlings or very small plants that you’ve placed so they will grow.

As time passes, these seedlings and plants continue to grow until one day, some of them die off and others look pretty weak.

What you don’t know is that there’s an undercurrent of poison beneath your garden, slowly killing the roots of your plants as they grow.

That’s how secrets work in a relationship. They create an undercurrent of poison beneath the relationship you’re trying to grow.

Reduced Intimacy

People mistake intimacy for sex. Sex does not create intimacy. If it did, prostitutes would have an intimate relationship with their partners, but they don’t.

Intimacy is built through building trust and sharing experiences together – good and bad. You build intimacy when you trust that you can share your deepest vulnerabilities with your partner without repercussions.

By keeping secrets, you erode that intimacy and create an environment where there is no trust.

Not All Secrets are Kept for Malicious Reasons

Just because someone has a secret doesn’t mean they intend to do any harm to anyone. As you read, many secrets are kept for reasons of self-preservation, not to harm someone else. Other secrets are kept to keep from harming someone.

Other times, someone may not recognize the harm that the secret will cause, or they may believe that the truth of the situation is inconsequential and therefore not necessary to share.

But that doesn’t take away the sting when you find out someone has kept something from you or vice versa, does it?

Overcoming Keeping Secrets in Relationships

I guess it all sounds kind of hopeless at this point, right? Those secrets are there, waiting to bubble up to the surface. What can you do?

There are two perspectives to work through. The first is if you’re the one keeping the secret, and the second is if your partner has kept a secret from you.

When You Have the Secret

The first thing to do is look at the underlying cause of your secret-keeping.

Karrie had a mother who had serious anger management issues, so she learned from a young age to keep secrets from her. Of course, her mother always discovered her secrets because she would go through Karrie’s things, and then there was hell to pay.

And yet, Karrie continued to keep secrets from her mother because she could at least delay the wrath of her mother and hope that this secret wouldn’t be discovered.

Into adulthood, Karrie maintained her fear of sharing things because she had a conditioned fear response to sharing her secrets. Regardless of what she told her mother, there was always an angry outburst to follow. She was damned if she did and damned if she didn’t.

Your cause for keeping secrets might not be so dramatic, but what is the root of your need to keep secrets? When you decide to share your secret with your partner, it may help to have a deeper understanding of your own issues as a way to diffuse the situation.

Be Honest and Open

When it’s time to share your secret, be as open and honest with your partner as you can be. You cannot control his reaction, regardless of how many times you’ve anxiously played out this scenario in your head.

Be open to discussing your feelings, and his, as you work through sharing your secret. Remember, he’s with you now because he loves and cares for you, so while he may be angry, he still wants to help.

Take Responsibility

You’re the one who kept this secret and has now caused whatever damage was done to your relationship. Take ownership of your actions and acknowledge that this is your responsibility.

Don’t sit there and find others to blame. That only makes things worse. Yes, someone from your past might have conditioned you to keep secrets, like Karrie’s mom, but you still made a choice that you need to own.

Show Remorse and Apologize

While an apology may feel empty in the moment, it’s important in the healing process. Also, it’s important to express how sorry you are for keeping this secret in the first place.

These two things go a long way in repairing the damage the secret may have caused.

But know that your partner may still need time to reconcile his own feelings. While you’ve been dealing with this secret for a while, he just now discovered it and he needs to catch up.

Resolve to Work on the Problem

The most important thing someone wants to know is whether they can expect this to happen again. If something in your past has conditioned you to keep secrets, then it’s time to work on that, perhaps with a professional.

This will help your partner understand that you truly want to do better and be a better person.

Set Boundaries

For the future of your relationship, you need boundaries that establish what information you both feel should be shared versus what you can keep to yourself. Additionally, set boundaries for conflict resolution, like no yelling or bringing up past offenses.

Share Your Vulnerabilities

Nobody wants to feel vulnerable, and that’s sometimes why we keep secrets, but sharing those vulnerabilities builds trust and intimacy in your relationship, so they’re necessary!

By sharing your vulnerabilities, you can re-establish trust and help your partner feel safe in the relationship again.

Be a Good Listener

By sharing your secret, you’ve uncapped whatever reaction your partner will have. Rather than arguing with him, listen. He’s hurt now and feeling betrayed.

Listen to what he has to say and then formulate a response that is empathetic and meets his needs in this situation, not yours.

Be Willing to do Couple’s Therapy

It’s possible that the only way around this deception is with couple’s therapy. These therapists are great at working through relationship issues and giving both of you tools to help you move forward in a healthy way.

If He Has the Secret

If your partner is revealing a secret to you, there are some things you can do to work through the situation.

Be Empathetic

Everyone has had a secret at some point, so be empathetic as your partner shares his secret. Acknowledge the difficulty he experienced in getting the courage to share with you at this time.

Put yourself in his shoes – what would you want someone to say to you? If you could have your wish of the best outcome of sharing your own secret, what would you want to see and hear? Do and say that!

Acknowledge the Vulnerability

By sharing his secret, your partner is showing his soft underbelly and he’s very scared. He’s showing a great level of vulnerability and it’s important that you acknowledge this.

In some instances, it may be helpful for you to share your own vulnerability with him. Maybe not in that exact moment, but soon after. This way, he sees that you trust him as much as he trusted you.

Temper Your Reaction

His secret may make you feel angry or upset, but you have control of your emotions, and this is an important time to exercise that control.

Doing things like counting to ten can help you avoid reacting in a way that you’ll regret later, so start there.

Give yourself a moment to process not just how this is impacting you, but how it’s impacting him. He’s scared to death that he’ll lose you because of this secret – that’s why he kept it to begin with.

So, take some time to react in a way that’s healthier for your relationship. Take a few deep breaths and consider your words before you say them.

Don’t Interrupt

Allow him to say what he wants to say without interruption. You may feel immediate empathy and want to reach out, but it took a lot of courage for him to experience this moment with you and he needs to get everything out.

Force yourself to wait to speak. This will allow you to respond appropriately and to be sure your reaction is appropriate and not impulsive.

Use “I” Statements

It’s so important to use “I” statements in any challenging conversation. Instead of saying, “You just laid a lot on me” you can say, “I need a few moments to process what you just said.”

It’s hard to argue with something someone says when they use “I” instead of “you.” It’s a more effective way of expressing what you’re feeling without placing blame at the same time.

Restate What You Heard

Once you’ve processed what he’s said, paraphrase it and state it back to him, “What I heard you say, Jim, is that you’ve been keeping your financial situation from me while you try to improve it. Am I right?”

This way, you can say back what you think you heard, and he can make any corrections if he wants or needs to. It helps keep things on track and avoids misunderstandings.

In Either Direction…

There are things to do, regardless of who’s keeping the secret.

Take a Break

Once the person holding the secret has shared it, it may be a good idea to take a break from one another so you can both process what just happened.

In this way, you avoid saying things you’ll only want to take back later, and you give yourself time to process the words between you.

Once you’re both feeling calm and collected again, you can come back together and have a more meaningful discussion about the situation and what to do next.

Have a Calm Discussion

This is why you walk away for a bit. You can both allow your emotions to settle down. The person who’s kept the secret probably had some fight or flight hormones flowing through, so this gives them time to let those abate and return to normal.

Additionally, you’ll never have a healthy discussion with angry or spiteful words.

Place Emphasis on Understanding

Rather than worry about placing blame, which is a waste of time, focus your energy on understanding why this happened.

If the secret-keeper has something from their past that’s led them here, you can be more understanding of how their life has led them here.

Then, you can work through strategies to help you both be more honest with one another in the future.

Consider Couple’s Therapy

I just wrote about this, but it can be so important and helpful, especially if the underlying cause is in your relationship.

A professional will provide you with the tools required to rebuild trust and work through the issues raised when the secret was revealed.

Consider Individual Therapy

Many times, these fears and habits are formed many years before you met your partner, so individual therapy can also be helpful in eliminating the need to keep secrets in the first place. You can work through the conditioning you have and learn to be more vulnerable.

The Timing of Sharing a Secret

There are good and bad times to share a secret. Let’s quickly look at both so you know when it’s a good time to share.

Don’t Share When…It’s bedtimeOne or both of you are already in a bad moodOne or both of you are drunk or highEither of you are already stressed about something elseEither of you are too tired or not feeling wellThere’s already something negative you’re dealing withGood Times to ShareWhen you’re both feeling calm and happyWhen neither of you is in a hurryAt a time when you’re somewhere privateWrapping Up Keeping Secrets in Relationships

Obviously, keeping secrets in a relationship isn’t usually a good idea. You may feel as if you’re sparing your partner from something awful or from worrying, but in the end, they will feel resentful and the trust between you will take a hit.

Still, things happen, and we all have secrets, so hopefully the advice above will help you share your secret in a way that will provide the best results.

Just remember, no matter how much time you anxiously spend imagining his reaction to your secret, you cannot control how he will react. All you can control is how you react to him once he knows.

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Is Getting Back with an Ex After Years Even Possible?

Breakups are very hard on people, generally speaking. But worse yet, at least according to some, is what’s called relationship churning.

This is when you break up, then get back together. Then you break up and get back together, and you continue in that cycle until what’s usually an inevitable break.

I thought today, I’d look into this question – is getting back with an ex after years even possible? And beyond that, is it a good idea?

Is Getting Back with an Ex After Years Even Possible?

To answer this question, let’s look at some statistics first, because by possible, I mean – is it feasible – will it work?

Psychology calls a relationship where you break up and get back together – once – as ‘on again’ relationships, so we’ll use their language.

The statistics I found multiple times tell me that about 40-50% of couples who break up will get back together at some point, but there a few factors involved, such as the reason for the breakup, and the reunion, and the amount of effort you’re willing to put into the reconciliation.

The bad news is that roughly 70% of the couples who reunite will not stay together.

So, if we use a nice round number like 100, we can assume that maybe 50 will get back together, but of those 50 couples who get back together, only 15 of them will remain together.

Basically, you have a 15% chance of your reconciliation working.

Still, I’m not here to discourage you. I’d rather help you gain the best chance of getting back together, if that’s what you want.

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Why Relationship Churning Never Works

Relationship churning is when you and a partner break up and make up in a continuous cycle. It’s an on-again, off-again cycle that continues over time.

There are many negative effects of relationship churning, as well as one big reason why it doesn’t work.

Why Relationship Churning Doesn’t Work

You break up with someone, and then two weeks later, maybe less, you’re back together. Everything is glorious for about a week, and then you break up again, and so goes the cycle.

The reason the reconciliations aren’t working is because you aren’t changing anything.

When you break up, the relationship was broken somewhere. By simply getting back together shortly after, you aren’t acknowledging, let alone fixing anything that went wrong.

Instead, you’re just repeating a cycle with the exact same two people.

I’ll talk more in a bit about how to make a reconciliation work. For now, know that this never works and it’s because nothing has changed. The problem wasn’t addressed or fixed and neither of you made any changes in yourselves either.

Negative Impacts of Relationship Churning

How can it be bad for you to break up with someone and get back together, repeatedly?

Breakups are Emotionally Difficult

There is a lot of psychological distress that comes with a breakup. A lot of this depends on how nicely you break up.

But I ask you, when was the last time you experienced a breakup where you both kindly sat down and said, “Hey. I’ve screwed up and I think I need to leave you so you can find someone better. It’s all me, Babe and I’m sorry.”

Ya. Sometime just past never, right?

People allow all of their hurt and pain to bubble up and explode out of their mouths during a breakup. Each partner blames the other for all of the things that went wrong, and it can become a truly ugly scene.

Then, you go back to your corners and internalize everything the other person said:

He’s right, I am selfishI know I need to lose weight; he was right to call me fatHe sees right through me – I am difficult to live with

Now, your self image has declined.

And then, you get back together. But those thoughts don’t magically leave because you got back together. They simmer, just below the surface, haunting your thoughts and causing your self-esteem to decline more and more.

Then, you break up again and new ugly words were said, plus some of the old favorites and those are internalized too.

It’s an ugly cycle that does nothing for your self-esteem except damage it.

Relationship Churning May be a Sign of a Commitment Issue

There may be deeper issues at play when someone is relationship churning. The churn may be one-sided. He breaks up with you, then he comes crying back, just when you feel like you’re ready to move on. He begs you to come back, so you do, because those old feelings are still stirring.

Then he blindsides you again, breaking up. And so goes the cycle.

What could be happening is that he fears commitment. He might want to be in a relationship, but when the idea of a long-term commitment gets real, his fear overrides any sense of love that he has. He bolts and runs.

Then, he has regrets and the cycle continues.

Meanwhile, he may be blaming this on you as well, so the psychological distress from above is also happening.

You May Commit Less to the Reconciliations

After a couple of these on-again, off-again cycles, you may find yourself guarded. This is likely to lead you to be more cautious, giving less of yourself – waiting for the relationship to end again.

If you aren’t as emotionally invested, you can’t get hurt, right? So, you commit to the reconciliation a little less. Of course, this doesn’t help it move forward, and the ending you’re waiting for inevitably happens.

You’re Unhappy in the Relationship

If you’re honest with yourself in this type of relationship, you realize that you aren’t as happy. All of the impacts we’re talking about are testimony to why.

People who are in these types of relationships report less relationship satisfaction, so why do they do it?

Sadly, I fear that many times, it’s because they fear nobody else will want them. This comes from the low self-esteem and low self-worth that’s happening each time there’s a breakup.

The Relationship Suffers from Poor Communication

Imagine you’re with this person you just broke up with, but you took him back. While you were apart, you know that he was saying ugly things to his friends about you.

Why would you bear your soul to someone who will just use what you say as ammo against you next time?

Additionally, if you had great communication to begin with, you wouldn’t be caught in this cycle because you’d be able to discuss your problems calmly and come to a resolution.

And lastly, poor communication includes a lack of listening. The ugly arguments that may be happening probably include shouting, and if you’re shouting, you aren’t listening.

It’s Extremely Hard on the Children

This is not fair to do to children, whether the two of you share kids or you each have your own.

When children meet partners of their parents, they either love or hate them. When they love the partner, then lose that person in their lives, it’s a devastating loss and brings a feeling of abandonment.

To repeat this cycle over and over teaches kids not to become attached to people because they don’t stay in your life.

These kids will have attachment issues later in life.

How Can You Work to Make Your Reconciliation Last?

There are things you can do to make sure that if you decide to get back with an ex, you have the best chance of success.

Make Sure You’re a Confident Woman with High Self-Esteem

In order to avoid many relationship problems, like jealousy, it’s important that you’re a confident woman.

Confidence is sexy for sure, but having confidence in your relationship is also like putting on armor against the dumb stuff that breaks people up.

No Boundaries

For example, without confidence, you may have difficulty establishing and maintaining boundaries. One way this presents itself is in having sex too soon with someone new, and yes, this includes someone you’re getting back together with.

Boundaries are things confident people put in place to protect themselves from other people’s negative behavior. You should be not allowing a man to have sex with you until he’s proven himself worthy of you. That’s not a first, second, or even fifth date thing.

Another boundary may be in how you’re treated. It’s perfectly reasonable to have a boundary that a man won’t put his hands on you in violence. The very minute he does, BAM, he’s gone, and you don’t take him back. That’s a boundary.

When you lack confidence, boundaries scare you. If you refuse to have sex with a guy on the first date, you fear he won’t come back, and maybe he won’t. What you fail to understand is that if he leaves because of that, it’s all he really wanted in the first place. He wasn’t looking for anything other than getting laid.

You Aren’t Yourself

When you lack confidence and self-esteem, you aren’t yourself around others. Instead, you’re who you think they want you to be. You might be really upbeat and chipper around your friends, but when you get home and shed that persona, you’re depressed and discouraged.

Nobody sees the real you.

And we do it in relationships too. Maybe you met this guy online, or you’ve prowled on his social media account before your first date. You know he’s outdoorsy, but you aren’t, so you pretend to be.

In fact, you pretend to the point of agreeing to go with him on some outdoor adventure, like kayaking or a hike through the woods.

And you’re both terrified and dreading the experience. You aren’t outdoorsy. You hate bugs and don’t like being outside.

So, you go on the adventure, or worse, you cancel at the last minute when the fear takes over.

A confident woman doesn’t pretend to be someone she isn’t, and she doesn’t allow fear to stop her from doing things that may be scary. Sure, this confident woman may not be outdoorsy, but she’s willing to try it once, knowing that, at the very least, it’s an experience she can add to her story.

You’re Overly Sensitive

It’s fine to be sensitive. What isn’t okay is to be so sensitive that whenever anyone says anything even remotely negative to you, you fall to pieces, feeling rejected and hurt.

This hurt and rejection might cause you to snap at your partner, even if he wasn’t the one to hurt you originally. This pain cuts deep and the only way you feel like you can deal with it is to lash out.

You Don’t Communicate Your Needs

Someone with low confidence and low self-esteem isn’t going to communicate their needs for fear of rejection.

You wouldn’t dream of asking him for a favor, or to do something differently. Perhaps you need to take your mother to an appointment, but this conflicts with something else you needed to do. With confidence, you could ask your partner to help you resolve the timing conflict by doing something for you. Without confidence, you’ll never ask.

Poor communication damages relationships in a multitude of ways. Each partner may feel a sense of loneliness and resentment, partly because of needs going unmet, and in part because they don’t have someone to truly talk to.

With good communication and confidence, you aren’t afraid to share your vulnerabilities. You’re willing to talk about your needs and ask to have them met.

Jealousy and Insecurity Rear Their Ugly Heads

When you have low confidence and self-esteem, you don’t believe you are capable of and deserve a good relationship.

You may have a history of abandonment from your childhood, or a string of breakups, either of which will leave you always waiting for someone else to leave.

What happens next is that any time your guy even glances in the direction of another woman, you’re jealous.

What does she have that I don’t?

Probably nothing.

I knew a woman whose boyfriend battled this type of insecurity. She would go to get ice cream or coffee with a friend, and he would drive by to check and see if that’s really where she said she was.

She ended the relationship because of his insecurity. Nobody wants to be on the other side of jealousy and insecurity. It stinks.

But you can’t help yourself. The person feeling these insecurities is so fearful of losing another relationship that they pretty much guarantee an ending by their jealous behavior.

Don’t See it as a Continuation of the Old Relationship

If you reconcile with someone, whether it’s after two weeks or two years, it’s important to realize that this is a new relationship, not a continuation of the old one.

The old relationship was broken. Why would you want to continue it?

No. You don’t.

What you want to do instead is build a new relationship, based on who you are now. Since we’re talking about a reconciliation that occurs after years, there is a strong possibility that you are both very different people.

You need to get reacquainted with one another. Sure, you’ve seen his social media posts and you know what he’s been up to, but you still need to get to know who he is today.

And that’s what dating is for.

I don’t recommend that you do these things too soon:

Move in togetherHave sexStart talking about marriage

Those are things that this new relationship is not yet ready for. You may decide to date one another again and determine that the new versions of both of you don’t mix so well after all, and that’s okay.

Again. That’s what dating is for – to see if you fit.

If you go into this with expectations of marriage and children, you may be disappointed. Instead, date. Go out and do things you enjoy. Go hiking, bowling, to a movie, or whatever it is you enjoy doing together.

Spend time getting to know these new versions of each other.

Most importantly, take your time. Going too quickly or having expectations that are too high will only result in things going badly. Be patient. If it’s meant to be, it’ll come along.

Make Sure You Know Why the Original Relationship Ended

Even if your relationship ended years ago, know the why. What happened that drove the two of you apart.

This might take some soul searching, and that’s ok. The important thing is to recognize where things derailed so you can determine if those same problems still exist.

With confidence, you can eliminate a lot of problems – from your side of the equation. But what about your ex? Has he changed? Is he more confident? Do you think the problems of before will become problems again?

If you don’t examine this now, even if you’ve both changed for the better, your new relationship will have problems. You need to figure out what happened so you can avoid those mistakes in the future.

Be Sure About Your Reasons for Wanting to Get Back Together

There are reasons that aren’t good ones when it comes to getting back together.

One is for the kids.

Please don’t do this to children. The most difficult time for kids whose parents are divorced or separated isn’t after the separation occurs but before, when all of the tension and arguing is going on. That is what stresses the kids out.

Don’t put them through that again. Please.

Another is just plain loneliness. It’s okay to be alone. In fact, when you’re alone, it’s a great time to work on that confidence.

But you may miss having someone in your life.

Don’t get back together with someone just to avoid feeling alone. It simply isn’t a good enough reason.

Still another reason not to get back together is because you feel badly that you broke up and hurt someone’s feelings.

This is all good and well, but an apology can accomplish the same thing without sending you into another disaster.

Why are You Still Drawn to Your Ex?

Why is it that you want your ex back so badly after so much time has passed?

A study conducted in 2025, so a really new one, tells us that it takes as long as 4.18 years to reach the halfway point in dissolving your emotional bond to your ex. In other words, four years from a breakup, you still feel an emotional attachment to him.

Isn’t that something?!

One factor in how long it takes to break the emotional bond is whether you remain in contact. People who share children will likely remain in contact. You see him changing. He sees you changing.

I know a couple who broke up just after their third child was born. The little girl is now seven and her daddy desperately wants to reunite with her mother.

But Mom isn’t interested. He argues that he’s changed, and he has. But so has she. She became incredibly independent, and while she struggles financially, she likes her independence.

The study did show that parents who share children often break their emotional bond sooner than those who don’t have children. I find that surprising, but you can’t deny that the study showed this.

The last factor that impacted how long the bond remained was anxiety. Those who experience higher levels of anxiety held onto their emotional bond longer.

Wrapping Up Getting Back with an Ex After Years

I can’t guess what has you considering a reconciliation, but what I do know is that the process can be long and will require quite some effort.

I’m not saying that to deter you, but to give you a realistic view of whether this is possible.

Remember that to be the most successful in your reconciliation:

At least one of you needs to change, preferably bothGo slowlyTreat this as a new relationship, not a continuation of the old oneYou can’t pick up where you left off…the only starting point is at the beginningGet to know the new version of him and let him get to know this new version of youKnow what went wrong in the last relationship, but not so you can blame one another – so you know what may need to be fixedAvoid relationship churning at all costs – it won’t get you anywhere!

If you decide to try to renew an old relationship, then I wish you the very best of luck! Just be sure to position yourself for success before you start.

The first confidence building book for women and a best-seller, Comfortable in Your Own Shoes will prepare you to meet great men and enjoy a happy and fulfilling life. And not just any life, but a life you design for yourself. YOUR life your way! 

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The post Is Getting Back with an Ex After Years Even Possible? appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.

Long Distance Relationships Can Work

Long distance relationships can work, contrary to what many people believe. Of course they have their challenges, but so do traditional relationships. Proximity in terms of miles is not a precursor for relationship success or failure.

Back in the day, long-distance relationships (LDRs) were more challenging because there was no Internet, no Facetime, no Zoom. There was no easy and inexpensive way to communicate with your loved one.

If you wanted to call, you needed to be prepared to pay the long-distance phone bill that would result. Today, you can call anywhere in the world without it costing more than your monthly phone bill.

We’ve come a long way, baby.

Not only that, but the possibility of meeting great people has opened up with the dozens, if not hundreds of online dating services that are available now. You can meet anyone in the world.

So what challenges are unique to long-distance relationships? Is it true that long-distance relationships can work, or are they destined for failure based on distance alone? How can you ensure that your LDR will withstand the test of distance?

Summary: There are challenges to any relationship, but the challenges to today’s long-distance relationship are different from those twenty years ago. Today, instead of struggling to pay just to communicate, couples must balance busier than ever work schedules, the expense of travel, unrealistic expectations, and building intimacy from a distance. However, when you go into an LDR viewing it as a challenge from the start, are you creating a bigger problem or being realistic?

What are the Challenges of an LDR?Long Distance Relationships Can Work With the Right Expectations

When you’re able to see and chat with someone on the daily, you share all of the most mundane aspects of your life, as well as the big stuff. It all gets lumped into the daily conversation.

How are you today, babe?

Oh, I’m ok. I have a bit of a headache but I’m sure it’ll go away.

Great. Are we still on for dinner at The Pub later?

Sure! I’m in. Can’t wait!!

But when you only see your partner once a month, you don’t want to waste time on the mundane. Your expectation may be that when you arrive at his condo, he’ll have candles flitting in the dimly lit room, a romantic dinner, and a magical evening planned.

Still, when you arrive, he’s just gotten home himself from a long day at work. He hasn’t even thought about dinner, let alone had time to go to those lengths. He’s exhausted from a long week of work, and you’re exhausted from work, then travel.

All the two of you want to do is flop on the sofa with some Chinese takeout and a Netflix binge. The weekend flies by and before you know it, you’re back home in your own condo, wondering where the magic was.

The truth is that even though your relationship is long-distance, life still marches on to its regular beat. You both still have chores and things to do on those weekends when you’re hosting your significant other. While a magical evening sounds great, it isn’t always practical.

Jealousy and Infidelity

When you’re in an LDR, it’s so easy to allow your imagination to run wild when you’re apart, and even when you’re together.

You’ve come to town for a visit, and he wants to take you to this great new little hole-in-the-wall place he’s discovered, so you go.

Immediately, your jealousy hackles rise up as the hostess is very very friendly towards your beau.

Hey Gregg, it’s so great to see you again. Same table? It’s available.

WTHeck is going on??? She knows his first name? He has a table?

Now, when you’re not together, you wonder what he’s up to. Is he back there? Is she flirting with him again? Clearly she likes him. Anyone can see that!

The truth might be that good old Gregg isn’t that much into cooking and he prefers to eat out. This place has a lot of the same types of foods he ate as a child and it makes him feel at home. It has nothing to do with the pretty girl at the entrance.

It may also be that Gregg is a social being who enjoys the personal touches that this little place brings. He’s new to town and he really enjoys finding these new friends. You can’t be his only friend in life, especially if he is a social type.

Is infidelity a possibility? Sure it is, but that’s true of any relationship, not just an LDR. Just because he likes that the hostess knows his name doesn’t mean he’s willing to share other things with her…like his bed.

Financial Strain

This one is obvious and is true of relationships today and twenty years ago. In fact, with the cost of travel today, it may be even more challenging than it was back then.

It may be that you can’t afford to take three days off of work every other week to go, especially if you work an hourly job or you don’t get the same days off as your partner.

The truth is that you must budget for visits, and this is true regardless of which side of the travel you’re on. As you saw in the part about expectations, you may feel a strong need to make his weekend with you unforgettable.

This might mean going the extra mile for meals, sprucing up your apartment, maybe even getting a new outfit to wow him. None of these things are really necessary, mind you, because he loves you for you, not your stuff or your wardrobe, but still, I get it.

And even just the extra miles of travel, whether by car, train, or plane, can be expensive. Sure, you can get frequent flyer miles for flying but that doesn’t loosen the immediate grip on your wallet.

Long Distance Relationships Can Work With Boundaries

When you’re in a long-distance relationship, you’re sort of living two separate lives when you’re apart. He has his work and friends, and you have yours. These lives are happening while you’re apart from one another.

So, when one visits the other, jealousy can erupt. Not so much over potential infidelity, but just the life being lived without the other partner.

You sit at a bar with your beau and he and his friends are all chuckling over something that happened the last time they got together. But you weren’t there, and you feel left out and jealous of his fun times without you.

It’s possible you even feel like he spends too much time with his friends when you’re around. Shouldn’t he be spending all of his time with you? You’re there for such a short time after all.

It might feel like there are no boundaries – no limit to how he spends his time when he’s with you. This is just like any other weekend he has when you aren’t there.

Not Recognizing Real Problems or Blowing Problems Up

Real problems occur in long-distance relationships, and they’re handled in one of three ways.

The first is that you recognize the problem and work on fixing it in a healthy way, having calm and honest conversations with one another about a potential solution to the problem.

The second is that you ignore the problem, attributing it to the distance or the stress of being apart. It’ll be no big deal when you’re together.

The third is that you blow it way out of proportion and make it a much bigger deal than it really is, causing friction and unnecessary stress in the relationship.

Questions About Relationship Status

When you can’t really see someone regularly, you may make assumptions about whether he’s as committed to the relationship as you are. It’s difficult to read someone’s body language over Facetime or Zoom, and definitely over texts.

Insecurity can cause all kinds of unfounded problems and make you feel like you’re in a constant state of almost losing him.

The problem is that boosting your insecurities, for him, can be tedious and not worth it. He feels like he’s doing everything he can to show you that he cares, but it’s never enough.

Your perception is that he isn’t showing you enough that he cares and his perception is that he’s doing a fine job of it.

Long Distance Relationships Can Work with Great Communication

Probably the biggest problem relationships can have, close or long-distance is communication. I’d like to say it’s a bigger problem in long-distance relationships, and maybe it really is, but from where I sit as a dating coach, I’d say any relationship is at risk.

Some challenges are different, but many are the same.

Oversharing

For example, communicating by text all day long leaves you nothing to talk about when you either Facetime one another later or see each other face to face. You’ve already dribbled all of the bits and pieces of your day to one another. Messages seen and replied to.

So, what’s left to talk about? A stiff silence rests between you until one of you finds something to fill the void.

Varying Communication Styles

Another challenge is the communication styles of men and women. You already know this exists but maybe not why. Men use few words and use them effectively. Every word is important. Just the facts ma’am.

Women use many words, most of which carry emotion and not a lot of fact. You may write him a twelve-line text about something really important, but all he sees is twelve lines and he imagines that nothing good comes from that much of a text. He ignores it and waits a few hours to reply.

Or worse yet, he simply says, “okay” and this infuriates you.

Our Inability to Listen

Other communication problems come from our inability to listen. Listening is a skill that it seems like most people do not have. Instead of truly listening to someone, we’re already formulating our response, a response that will best whatever it is the other person is saying.

You climbed up the rock wall at the rec? Pfffft I climbed a real rock last summer. And off you go. While he was talking about how he overcame a tremendous fear of heights by doing this, you’re already besting him, not even listening.

Fighting From a Distance

Probably the biggest no-no of a long-distance relationship is picking a fight while you’re apart. It’s too easy to text or email hurtful things because you can’t see the face of the person you’re speaking to. It’s impersonal.

It’s also not a fair fight. You might send a text and he’s in the middle of an important work meeting. He either sees your angry text and he loses focus in the meeting, or he ignores the text, maybe even has his phone silenced, and doesn’t see it for hours.

Now, you’re upset because he didn’t reply as soon as you thought he should have, and you’ve added to your anger.

It’s okay to be upset with someone but fight fair. Hold off the conversation for when you can at least talk on Facetime if not in person. This allows cooler heads to be present for working on the problem. You’ve had time to think about things, and you can be more reasonable in the discussion of the problem.

Long Distance Relationships Can Work, Right? What Does Science Say?

My associate, Kirbie, loves to do research and she did some on this topic for us. Unfortunately, there isn’t a lot of science on this topic that is recent enough to account for the newer technology that couples can use to maintain closeness.

Still, some of the research that’s a little older tells us that long-distance relationships have no greater chance of breaking up than relationships of closer proximity. The overall consensus is that a relationship is a relationship, regardless of distance.

The challenges mentioned above are more common challenges of LDR’s but many of those are also challenges of closer relationships too.

Perhaps It’s More About Perspective and Other Factors

I’m a firm believer that we think our way into how situations will play out.

For example, a person who lacks confidence is more likely to anticipate jealousy, not because their partner shows signs of looking for someone else, but because they don’t believe that they’re lovable and can enjoy a happy relationship.

This is something that is true of any relationship.

It’s also possible that your expectations are negative right from the start.

This will never work out.

I can’t imagine being in a relationship where I can’t see him every day.

Long distance relationships are hard.

These are called limiting beliefs, and they can have a serious impact on the outcomes we experience. You might even call them self-fulfilling prophecies. You end up getting what you expected to get.

Long distance relationships can work when the circumstances are right.

Many people in LDRs experience very satisfying relationships, so they can’t be impossible. These people don’t cheat, don’t feel jealousy, and have the right expectations of how their in-person visits will go.

How Close-Proximity Relationships Struggle

Just for fun, let’s take a moment to examine how people in closer proximity relationships can struggle with the same issues.

Expectations

While you get to see your guy more often, in a close proximity relationship, you still have expectations of special dates. Perhaps these are singled out for special occasions like Valentine’s Day or anniversaries, but there are still expectations.

And these expectations can go unmet just as easily. You think he’ll plan out some elaborate Valentine’s Day experience and the truth is that like many men, he’s standing at the grocery store at lunchtime scavenging for the best card from the well picked over selection.

He stops on his way home and grabs a bouquet of flowers – one of just a few left and runs home to meet you for the date. This is the truth about how many men to holidays and anniversaries.

If you don’t believe me, sit in a grocery store parking lot between five and six o’clock on any given day. You’ll see numerous men, sometimes with kids in tow, coming out with a bouquet of flowers and a couple of grocery bags of goodies.

So, nothing really different here except that the expectations might be a little different.

Jealousy and Infidelity

This is definitely not exclusive to LDR’s. This is more common for people who lack confidence and/or self-esteem.

There is either a belief that you aren’t capable of a great relationship, therefore your guy will ultimately cheat on you and leave. Or there’s a belief that you don’t deserve a great relationship and it’s just a matter of time before this one ends, just like the others.

Distance isn’t the problem here. Confidence and self-esteem are the real issues.

Financial Strain

While it’s true that a closer proximity relationship doesn’t have the challenge of travel expenses, there are other expenses associated with life in general that can still play a role.

This can be especially true of people who are financially irresponsible, spending more than they make, not saving, and so on.

Financial strain is something people should work out before they get into a relationship. A hallmark of a great man is one who is financially solid, and he will shy away from women who exhibit financial irresponsibility.

This means that two financially irresponsible people are more likely to find one another, thus creating a bigger problem.

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Challenges with boundaries exist in close proximity relationships as well. They often just relate to different problems.

A lack of boundaries is often a problem of low confidence also. Are you seeing a theme here that has nothing to do with distance?

People who have no boundaries often do so because they are insecure in their ability to build and maintain relationships.

If I say no, he’ll leave me.

If I tell him I don’t want to have sex on the first date, he won’t call back.

Someone whose standards are that low isn’t worth dating anyway. Any man would most likely love to have sex too early with a woman he finds attractive. The difference is that a great man may want to have sex, but he’ll wait until he realizes he’s earned that place in her life.

A confident woman will have that boundary to keep players out of her bed.

Not Recognizing Problems or Blowing Problems Up

This isn’t unique to LDR’s either. People put blinders on when it comes to problems, often letting them simmer to a boiling point.

For some, it’s a desire to avoid conflict. For others, it’s a fear of losing the other person. And for others still, it might be an inability to deal with problems in an appropriate way.

Sometimes, we just aren’t raised to manage problems, so we don’t know how. Our parents argued and that’s what we know.

And then there’s blowing problems out of proportion. Both men and women are great at this, and distance doesn’t matter here either.

Other factors might. When we’re stressed or anxious, problems feel bigger. Problems that are left unresolved for too long are also bigger, either by imagination or avoidance.

For example, not having enough money to pay the rent might be a small problem you can overcome in the first month, but left unresolved for several months, becomes a bigger problem as you fall further and further behind.

So this one isn’t unique to LDR’s either.

Questions About Relationship Status

This is most definitely not an LDR only problem.

Wait for it…it’s a confidence problem.

People who lack confidence and self-esteem often spend a lot of time questioning their relationship status, for the same reasons they get jealous and suspect infidelity.

You can see your guy every day and still question your relationship status. He might not respond to a text as quickly as you think he should, so you immediately assume he wants to break up with you.

Perhaps he’s been tired from work lately, but you view it as a lack of interest in you and fear he’s about to bolt.

The problem is that every time you question the relationship status, which he thinks, or thought anyway, was fine, you put a little pin prick into the relationship. An annoying little pinch for him that builds over time.

Before you know it, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy – you expect him to want to break up, so you question him all of the time about his dedication to you, and due to the constant pressure, he decides he’s had enough, and he leaves.

Which is what you were expecting him to do all along.

Communication

Ahh communication. There isn’t anything new I can say here. Everything I said above holds for close proximity relationships too.

You don’t need distance to have poor communication in a relationship.

Poor communication is present in many relationships, romantic, business, and personal. People who have ineffective communication styles can be challenging to speak to. Other people, many in fact, have very poor listening skills.

These challenges cause problems no matter where you live or how far apart.

Long Distance Relationships Can Work

Yes, it’s true. Long distance relationships can work, for the same reasons that close proximity relationships can work.

Two people who are confident with high self-esteem will enjoy very happy and satisfying relationship, regardless of where they live.

The challenges of distance are easier to overcome when you have the confidence to avoid some of the common pitfalls.

There are different strategies you can use to build an LDR versus a closer proximity relationship for sure, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It’s just different.

Be sure to read about Long Distance Relationship Activities here!

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How to Overcome Relationship Trust Issues

You want to trust him, really you do, but the relationship trust issues between you feel insurmountable. How can you overcome this and build a bright and wonderful relationship? Let’s find out!

Why Trust is So Important

Before we get into the how, I always like to dig into the why. Why is trust such an important piece of a great relationship?

There are two sides to trust in a relationship. The first is you, your behavior and any issues you may bring to the table. The second is your partner and his behaviors, added to whatever residual issues he might bring along.

Trust Forms a Solid Foundation

As children, we trust our parents to provide for our needs, both physical and emotional. We also trust them to have our backs, guide us through life, and help us safely learn some of those difficult lessons life teaches.

But sometimes kids have parents who fail in their task. They don’t provide – maybe even aren’t present in the child’s life at all. The trust a child should inherently have in someone who supposedly loves them is eroded and the child quickly learns that people can’t be trusted.

That relationship never feels like it’s on solid ground. You never know what’s coming at you next or who, if anyone, will have your back. A bully chases after you at school, but you know nobody at home cares, so you fight back instead. In fact, you may find that you’re always fighting back, even when it seems unnecessary.

Relationship trust issues erode any sense of safety you wish to feel. Instead of feeling like your partner is someone you can share everything with, you feel you can’t share anything with him. Will he make fun of you? Is he likely to go off and tell someone who may want to retaliate?

But relationship trust issues also cause you to be in a continuous state of worry. Is he cheating on me? Did he put money into our bank account, or did he drink it all away? What kind of mood will he be in when he gets home? Should I find somewhere else to be or brave it? Some trust issues are warranted.

With trust, you can share your vulnerabilities and fragilities. You build intimacy in those moments. You feel safe and comforted knowing your partner will stand up for you no matter what!

Your Communication is Better

Poor communication is a relationship killer, and a big part of poor communication is relationship trust issues.

Why would you communicate honestly with someone you don’t trust? It’s like telling the biggest gossip in town your most valuable secrets, then being surprised when everyone knows in three days.

In relationships with good communication, trust is also present. You feel comfortable speaking freely because you know your partner is listening. It’s easier to be open and honest with him since you know he won’t immediately be judgmental.

Imagine being able to share your deepest fears with your partner, and instead of judgment, you know that he will wrap his warm arms around you, figuratively or literally, and comfort you. You know that he will help you overcome those fears, not make fun of you for them.

You Can Forgive and Forget

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts I think there is for humans. People think that if they forgive someone, they make whatever happened okay.

That isn’t what forgiveness is about.

When you hold onto anger, the cliché is that you’re allowing them to live rent free in your head. The anger follows you around like a lost puppy, always nagging, always present.

When you forgive someone, including yourself, you aren’t saying that what happened is okay. You’re saying that you aren’t going to allow what happened to overtake your life. You’re willing to let it go and move forward.

The benefits of forgiveness can’t be ignored:

Reduced stress and anxietyFeeling less depressedHigher self-esteemAn increased sense of optimismImproved communicationThe ability to form stronger bondsResilienceThe ability to feel empathy and compassionBeing able to move forwardIncreased heart healthLower blood pressureHealthier immune system

WOW! That’s a lot of great benefits to forgiveness. Conversely, when you can’t forgive, or refuse to forgive, you may experience:

Being stuck in the pastHigher stress and anxietyUnhealthy relationshipsTrust issuesWeakened immune systemHigher blood pressure and poor heart health

Personally, I’d prefer the benefits of forgiveness. The great thing is that you don’t need to tell the person who hurt you that you forgive them. Write them a letter of forgiveness, then burn it or shred it.

Forgiveness is for you, not someone else. It’s giving yourself permission to let go of the hurt and boot that person out of your headspace.

Improved Health

You just read how forgiveness improves your health. When you carry around stress and anxiety for any reason, your body is in a constant state of fight or flight and the hormones associated with that are continuously flowing through your body.

They do physical damage to your heart and immune system with prolonged exposure.

By solving relationship trust issues, you reduce the stress in your relationship and allow that fight or flight mode to subside. You feel calmer in general, in addition to feeling supported and secure.

Studies show that people who are in trusting relationships enjoy better physical and emotional health.

Your Relationship Withstands Difficult Tests

Every relationship is tested from time to time, whether it’s the challenge of new stages of life, life-changing accidents, or even illnesses. How well you overcome those challenges speaks to whether there are relationship trust issues between you.

I know a young family with four children who all just found out that the father of the family has incurable cancer and less than six months to live.

Without trust between Joseph and Amy, it would be difficult for him to feel safe and secure in his present state. He must put all of his trust in his wife, not just for his own care, but for the care of their four young children.

This is, by far, the most difficult test any relationship faces, and unfortunately, the end result of the test is death for Joseph. But Joseph can rest in peace knowing that his children will be well cared for by their mother. He can navigate each day of his disease knowing that she is providing the best care for him that she’s capable of.

Many other relationship tests aren’t so dramatic, and yet, they may still test the foundation of your relationship. Good people make mistakes, and those mistakes can really test you, and may even cause those relationship trust issues.

That’s why it’s so important to keep open lines of communication and be wiling to forgive. It helps keep those trust issues from eroding completely.

How do You Know if You Have Trust Issues?

Trust is most simply defined as believing that the other person in the relationship is honest and reliable. You know you can depend on him no matter what because he makes you feel safe and secure.

But if there are trust issues, you might experience or feel some of these things.

You Always Assume the Worst

Relationship trust issues force you to always be on the defensive. He got home an hour late. Was he with another woman? Was he out drinking when he said he would stop?

Your partner may not have ever done those things before, but your trust issues have you questioning everything and assuming the worst.

It also shows up in waiting to see what someone wants from you if you ask something of them. You ask a friend to pick up your child at school because you have an appointment, then you just wait for her to ask something of you.

Your Suspicious of His Intentions

Hey Babe, let’s get out of here this weekend. Let’s go to the beach and just chill. Your mind immediately goes to why? Why is he trying to run away? What’s going to happen at home this weekend that makes him want to leave?

Or maybe he brings you a dozen red roses after work one day, just for the heck of it. Instead of feeling grateful, your mind wanders to what did he do wrong? Why is he trying to butter me up now?

It might be that he just wants to spend quality time with you at the beach, or maybe he just felt like showing you with roses that he cares for you. By reading more into it than was there, you’re setting yourself up for a fight that doesn’t need to happen.

You Sabotage the Relationship

This happens so often, and it makes me so sad. You’ve been burned so many times by people from your past that you can’t now see how this guy will be any different.

In fact, you probably have a marker in a relationship, usually some set timeframe – three months, six months – when you just know he’s gonna end it any time now.

Instead of waiting for him to end it, you start picking fights and forcing the issue.

Unfortunately, the truth may be that was really into you until you started sabotaging the relationship. Now, though, he does just what you always expected him to do – he leaves. But he isn’t leaving for the reasons you imagine. He’s leaving the Crazytown your relationship became.

You Distance Yourself from Him

Getting too close to someone might make you feel really edgy. You’ve felt this way in the past and gotten burned every time, or what feels like every time anyway.

Rather than allow your vulnerabilities to show through, you hide everything you’re feeling. You keep a brick wall up between you so you feel safer.

Unfortunately, that brick wall, while invisible, is still very strong and instead of lowering the wall, it’s getting taller and taller with each piece of you that you withhold.

The distance you’re keeping helps you feel less edgy and fearful. The hurt you’ve experienced in the past is less likely to creep in if you keep to yourself and don’t let anyone in – at least not really in.

You Focus on What Will go Wrong

Instead of looking for things to go well, you always see the negative side of something. Negativity becomes your main state of being.

You want to buy a house together? What if one of you loses your job? What if a tornado or hurricane blows it off of the map?

You want to go on vacation together? What if you miss your flight? Worse yet, what if the plane crashes?

The scenarios you build with your anxiety are usually far-fetched but feel very possible and real.

It’s very difficult to be around someone who’s always a doomsdayer. It’s tedious. Nobody wants their relationship to be described as tedious!

What Causes Relationship Trust Issues?

Sometimes, relationship trust issues stem from something deep in your past. Other times, they arise out of your partner’s behavior or his own trust issues. Let’s examine where relationship trust issues might come from.

A Betrayal

This one is tricky because it might be that this partner betrayed you, or it could be that someone from your past has betrayed you.

If it’s this partner, you might be able to work with a couples’ therapist to rebuild your trust issues. It’s not likely something you can do on your own as the hurt may still be too fresh.

If it’s past relationship betrayals, it’s time to stop lumping all men into one cheater category. Let this new guy be himself. Instead of automatically assuming he isn’t trustworthy, allow him to earn your trust by showing up when he says he will and doing other things that can build your trust in him.

In either instance, you must move past the feeling of mistrust that you own. I know how the cliché goes – fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. But let him prove to you that he’s either not a guy from your past or not the same guy who betrayed you previously.

Your Parents

If you experienced a poor relationship between your parents, it may cause you to have your own relationship trust issues now. If your father cheated or your mother was always spending money your family didn’t have, it likely caused arguments centered around trust.

Growing up with that as your relationship model will cause you to have relationship trust issues by default.

Experiencing Rejection as a Child

Kids are mean and some kids are always rejected by their peers.

I know a young lady, now twelve years old, who has severe anxiety. Among other disorders, she has misophonia, which means that repetitive or loud noises make her feel very anxious. She also has social anxiety.

Unfortunately for this young lady, she has a twin sister who is her polar opposite. The twin is socially active, athletic, and not afraid of anything. It’s very difficult to experience your own anxiety while watching those around you act as if they don’t feel it too.

The truth is that both girls have anxiety and fear but show it in different ways. The social twin fears social isolation so she’s gregarious, almost to a point of being fake about it. The twin with anxiety experiences social isolation due to her high level of fear and anxiety.

As adults, these two girls will both likely experience relationship trust issues. The social twin because she doesn’t feel like she can be herself to be accepted and the anxious twin because she already feels isolated and rejected by her peers, even though she rarely gives them a chance to know her.

Negative Life Experiences

Some kids experience some awful things in their young lives and it leaves an imprint. For Joseph and Amy’s kids, especially the two who are five and seven, they’ll battle with feeling abandoned by their father, even though he can’t help what’s happening to him.

This may cause them to have relationship trust issues as adult women. The man they trusted the most in their young lives left them at a young age. If Dad can leave, why wouldn’t any other man?

It isn’t always a logical thought process from A to B, but it’s the process many take nonetheless.

Many negative life experiences force us into a place where we don’t trust anyone. It’s a natural consequence of things you often cannot control.

Overcoming Relationship Trust Issues

Finally, right? That’s what you came here to find in the first place.

How can you overcome relationship trust issues?

The most logical answer is that it depends on what caused them, but still, there are strategies that might help, regardless of where they came from.

Allow Trust to Build Slowly

Trust isn’t something you just decide to do one day. You must allow it to grow over time. Observe the behaviors of those you seem to not trust. Are they showing you that they are trustworthy or untrustworthy?

Sometimes, we fail to see trustworthy behavior because we’re almost blind to it due to past experiences.

Look for indications that this person can be trusted. Does he show up on time for dates? When he says he’s going to do something, does he do it? If the answer is yes, he’s trying to build your trust. Let him.

Forgive

Boy, talk about a recurring theme, right? Forgiveness helps take a few bricks out of that wall you’ve built.

Everyone makes mistakes, including you. Forgiving a mistake is okay. In fact, it’s necessary to positive mental health.

Reread the section above on forgiveness if you’re still doubtful about this one.

Talk About It

If your trust issues are rooted deeply in your past, tell your partner about them. You don’t have to dig up every single root, just share the main branches.

This will help him understand that you’re a work in progress and are asking for his patience.

This type of honesty goes back to that communication thing above. Someone in your life can’t understand your reactions to things if they don’t know where they’re coming from.

Ask Yourself – Is This About Trust or Control?

It’s normal if you have trust issues to want to be in control. When you don’t feel you have complete control over a situation, you become mistrustful of what’s happening.

This may show up in a variety of ways. For example, if you’ve been betrayed financially before, you may demand more control over the finances. It really isn’t control you seek, but trust that what you think is going on with your money really is.

In this instance, it’s okay to give over a little control. Allow him to pay the bills and trust that he does so in a timely manner. Resist the urge to check and double-check. When you feel the anxiety, remind yourself that you have no reason to mistrust him.

It’s okay to give up some control when it seems like a good idea.

Learn to Manage Your Anxiety

Trust is often really anxiety.

Anxiety is anticipating a negative event in the future. If he cheats on me, he’ll leave me. If she doesn’t pay the bills, we’ll lose everything. If I don’t know where he is every second of the day, he’ll cheat on me.

In these instances, trust becomes a decision you make, rather than a feeling you have.

Trust that your partner will pay the bills.

If he says he isn’t cheating on you, trust his word unless you have substantial and real proof (not a feeling).

The truth is that we cannot control other people. We can only control ourselves. If you really find that someone has broken your trust, there are two possible avenues for you to take.

The first is to leave the relationship or friendship. Just walk away.

The second is to seek help, both for yourself and your trust issues, and the relationship. It’s always possible that your lack of trust was actually the root of the problem.

If she always thinks I’m cheating, I may as well go ahead and cheat. At least then, I’ll be doing what she’s accusing me of.

Root Out the True Problem

Of course, the best way to resolve relationship trust issues is to find the root of the problem. Is it in your past? Is it in his? Do you have valid reasons for mistrusting him? If so, why are you staying with him?

If he’s cheated on you, why? What was already broken in your relationship, because something was. Either you snagged a player or there was a relationship issue lying deeper under the surface.

If the roots of your relationship trust issues are in your past, it’s best to seek out some professional help to work through those things. If they’re still nagging you now, chances are they need more than a few blog articles for resolution.

What’s the Common Denominator?

Are all of your relationships plagued with trust issues or is this the first one? If it’s the first one, it’s likely not something you’ve brought to the scene, but if all of your relationships seem to have these trust issues, it may be time to change things up.

Relationship trust issues that aren’t rooted in that relationship are often due to low self-esteem, low confidence, and/or low self-worth. You don’t believe you can have a loving relationship or that you don’t deserve one.

It may be that these go back to those childhood issues. You had an absent parent who made you feel abandoned – not worthy of their love. It may be that you’ve had enough crappy relationships that you don’t believe in your own ability to find great guys.

Either way, it’s time to work on those issues and again, if this is a long-fought problem, a professional may be your best bet.

Note the anxiety you feel in specific situations. When you think your friends are getting together without you, resist the urge to text all of them multiple times throughout the evening. If you think your boyfriend might be cheating on you, resist the desire to drive around all of the local hotels, and his apartment, to see if his car is there and/or a car you don’t recognize.

These behaviors feed your mistrust instead of helping you trust more deeply.

Be a Trustworthy Person

If you want to improve relationship trust issues, be a trustworthy person. Trust is a two-way street. You build your trust along with your partner, slowly and over time.

Be open about your feelings, opinions, boundaries, and past issues. This doesn’t mean you spill every single thing but share bits and pieces that help him make sense out of your situation and help you grow.

Additionally, being trustworthy means allowing him to make a mistake without blowing it completely out of proportion. He trusts you to react appropriately.

Wrapping Up Relationship Trust Issues

Trust might make you feel uncomfortable at first, but if you allow people to build your trust in them, you’ll find yourself enjoying happier and more meaningful relationships. This is true of friendships, not just romantic relationships.

Relationship trust issues show up in all of your relationships, not just specific ones.

The more times you’re willing to forgive someone and give them another chance, the happier and more trustful you’ll be.

It’s not a fast road to travel down, but one you should traverse slowly and steadily. As those urges to check and double-check wain, you’ll find that you’re more relaxed and much less anxious. You’ll feel healthier and your body will definitely benefit!

The first confidence building book for women and a best-seller, Comfortable in Your Own Shoes will prepare you to meet great men and enjoy a happy and fulfilling life. And not just any life, but a life you design for yourself. YOUR life your way! 

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Walking Away from Someone Who Doesn’t Value You

Walking away from someone who doesn’t value you takes tremendous strength and resolve, and yet, you might be feeling neither of those.

I’m Kirbie and I’ve been working with Gregg for more than ten years. I’ve been through this, and I just know I’m not alone, so today, I want to help you make your decision.

How do You Know if He Doesn’t Value You?

The first, and most obvious question to ask is how do you know he doesn’t value you? You’re probably second-guessing yourself on your decision.

You see glimmers of hope in small, yet infrequent gestures he makes. Your mind says see, he does love me! And you carry on as if all of the million and one signs that show he doesn’t value you fade into the distance.

Allow me to share my story.

The Story of JDistant Past

I’m gonna call this guy J. I’ve known J now for nearly twenty-five years. When we first met, there was chemistry, which I was good at mistaking for love. I was also just out of a long-term relationship and needing validation, so I fell for all of it.

I would say we stayed together that first time for several months. It’s been too long now to recall how long but he said and did all of the right things, most of the time.

More Recent Past

But let’s fast-forward to say the last ten years. I must preface this by saying I haven’t spoken to or seen J in about eighteen months, but in the eight plus years prior, I was still falling for his crap.

The problem with J is that when I’m with him and he’s into the relationship, he’s everything you could want. Attentive. Loving. Giving. Then, out of the blue he pulls the rug out.

The pattern goes something like this:

J’s attention for anywhere from a few weeks to a few monthsK falls for it, hook, line, and sinkerJ falls off the map – no text, no phone call, doesn’t show up for dates or isn’t home when I go at a pre-appointed timeK gets fed up and swears this is itJ shows up again, pouring on the charmRinse and repeat

What finally broke the cycle for me was that I realized he was never going to change. Yes, it took me a long time but understand that we may go two to three years in between points of contact.

What really helped me the most was working with Gregg over these last few years and coming to build my own confidence. The last time J and I were ‘together’, I was mostly in it for companionship – someone to go to a movie with, that sort of thing.

The Truth

But the truth is that he didn’t value me, and I chose to ignore it for many years. I probably did it in part because my confidence was low and you know, any attention is good attention.

But as my own confidence has grown, so has my lack of tolerance for the crap. Over the last six or so years, I’ve strictly sought that companionship. He was always the one who wanted more.

So the real truth is that he lacks confidence in his ability to be in a good relationship and I’ve seen that for several years, so each time I went into a new encounter with him, it was eyes wide open.

Just because I understand relationships better doesn’t mean I’m not human. I’m capable of falling into the same traps as everyone else. When you care for someone, you want them to be the person you need them to be.

Waking up to the reality that they’re never going to be that person can be a rough wake-up call indeed!

So, How Do I Know He Didn’t Value Me?He Didn’t Often Ask How I Was

Most of our conversations were about him and what he wanted in a relationship. If I would say, “what about what I want?” the conversation would flip to me for a tiny while, then go right back to him and what he wants.

Over the last five plus years, I’ve been taking care of my parents. My father just passed away three months ago, and he had dementia. The struggle is real, and life was sometimes very stressful and/or very challenging.

Not once did he ask about my parents or me.

There Was No Curiosity About My Life

I have eight grandchildren who are very important to me. VERY important. He was never interested in talking about them and never asked about them. In fact, I couldn’t get him to engage with anyone in my family.

He did when we first dated because we have kids who are all in the same age range, but now that they’re all grown, nothing.

He never asked what I did as a career either, which feels odd, but he was retired over the last few years due to a traumatic brain injury, so work wasn’t important to him.

Our Agendas Were Different

We may not have spoken for maybe three or more months, and I would get a text that went something like this:

Let’s get married in Jamaica in June (text received in April)

The old me would have glowed at the possibility. The more recent me just thought uh huh.

As I said, my agenda was companionship. Someone to go to a movie with or enjoy a nice dinner out. His was marriage.

There Was No Mutuality

Mutuality means that what you receive, you give, so in a relationship it means that if I am giving caring and interest in his life, he should be giving me the same.

He wasn’t, as I already said.

Our relationship was a one-way street.

He Didn’t Seek Me or My Opinion Out

I consider myself to be an intelligent woman and yet he never asked my opinion on anything.

In fact, as a sign of his low confidence, he is unable to make many decisions without years of deliberation. Way back when I was dating him twenty or so years ago, he wanted to buy an airplane. It took him five years to decide on one.

Last we spoke, he was wanting a new electric vehicle. He researches and researches. He does test drives. For years! Still no EV – or at least not last time I saw him.

He Failed to See How His Actions Impacted Me

Of course, I learned a long time ago that he was unreliable, but back when I still believed he would follow through (we’re talking fifteen or more years ago), I’d get ready for a date with him only to be still sitting home alone hours later.

He’s always had some amazingly dramatic story about why something else was more important than even a text or phone call to let me know he was coming.

I’d say in the last five years, I never believed he would follow through. He never acknowledged that he got even the slightest idea of how his actions impacted me.

He Treated Others Differently

I think this was the most confusing part for me. He would treat me like crap and bend over backwards for other people. When I’d call him out on it, he was always full of justification for his actions.

It was his kindness towards others and the way he went out of his way to help other people that drew me too him. I could never understand why he never tossed any of that my way.

It’s important to look for this with someone who doesn’t value you. Do they value anyone or is it just you they’re treating badly?

If he’s doing it to everyone, he’s an all-around schmuck, but if it just seems to be you, then he truly doesn’t value you and it’s time to move on.

So Why Did I Stay “In” So Long?

I stayed in it for so long for the same reasons you’ve stayed. You keep hoping he’ll change, and just when you’re about to give up on him entirely, he tosses you a breadcrumb that pokes at the little voice in your head – see, he does care.

Additionally, in the beginning, my confidence was very low. I was a couple of years beyond a divorce, and I’d made the mistake most women make of getting into another relationship too soon. Another schmuck.

I had no clue about confidence or anything else. I just knew I wanted someone in my life to care about me, so I kept dating. I was a single mom to four kids and it was stressful. Having someone to spend time with when they were with their dad helped me decompress, or so I thought.

Let’s look at a few reasons why women stay in this type of relationship.

We Justify the Bad Behavior

You want to believe you’ve made a good choice, that the guy you’re with isn’t just another in a long line of losers you’ve dated.

So, you justify the bad behavior to save face. Of course, your friends and family are shaking their heads and eventually, you stop telling them too much about your relationship because you don’t want to hear more I told you so’s.

The truth is that if J valued me, he wouldn’t have done those bad behaviors. He wouldn’t have skipped dates without a word or done any of the other things he did. I was just too scared of being alone and too low confidence to see it.

We Lose Who We Are

The longer you’re with someone like this, the lower your own self-worth dips. If he doesn’t value you, you can easily begin to lose your own sense of value.

I would set aside my hobbies in lieu of the possibility of a date. Instead of doing something I enjoyed, I was sitting there seething over him not showing up. Again.

We Overcompensate

When you do get those snippets of attention you’re always hoping for, you act like nothing is wrong. He hasn’t treated you like crap for the last two weeks, or longer.

Another overcompensation tactic is to allow him to say things that are unkind without standing up for yourself. You’re so relieved to have the morsels of his time that you ignore it.

It’s like a child who has discovered that the only way to get his parents’ attention is to act out, except it’s twisted around. He’s acting out and you’re glad for the attention.

We Keep Coming Back for More

Early on in this whole relationship with J, cell phones weren’t nearly what they are today so doing things like blocking people wasn’t an option.

Now, I have him blocked and deleted from my phone. This keeps me from having a weak moment and texting him first.

One time a few years ago, I thought I’d blocked him everywhere and he sent me a message via Facebook. I hung out with him a few times again before getting fed up and blocking him.

In the early days, every single time he’d send me a message, I was all in again. Looking back, it’s pathetic but there it is anyway.

We Let Them

The bottom line is that a guy gets away with this because we let them. Instead of standing up for ourselves, we just keep taking whatever these guys are willing to throw our way.

I know it seems easier than it really is because, as you have read, I lived it and it was very hard for me too.

How Does Being in An Invalidating Relationship Impact You?

There are quite a few negative consequences to being in a relationship where you aren’t valued. But with help, you can overcome them.

Feelings of Inadequacy

When you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value you, it makes you feel as if you’re the one who is damaged. You aren’t enough.

Your self-worth declines because of the imbalance that’s happening in your relationship. The end result is that you might feel as if you don’t deserve to be loved. This guy is wonderful, and he doesn’t love you. How would another guy?

Low Self-Esteem

The feelings of inadequacy are about your self-worth, but your self-esteem is also damaged in these types of relationships.

He doesn’t value you and that leads you to feel as if you aren’t worth being valued. You may doubt that your capable of doing anything right in your life. Your desire to challenge yourself and grow as an individual is negatively impacted because you don’t believe you can.

You Get Frustrated and Feel Resentful

This was huge for me. I would get so frustrated, and not just at him, but at me too for falling for his lies again and again.

That’s why it was easy for me to avoid him for a short period of time but harder as time passed. That frustration wains and the resentment fades and there’s that smile and morsel of attention.

Walking Away from Someone Who Doesn’t Value You

Now it’s time to get to the heart of the discussion – walking away from someone who doesn’t value you. How do you do it?

Realize You Deserve Better

You deserve a man who will treat you with respect and value you as a human being with thoughts and feelings of your own.

Of course, as you’ve read, being with a man who doesn’t has probably dipped your belief in this statement so read it a few times until it starts to sink in.

The longer you stay with this person, the more devalued and undeserving you’re going to feel. If you think you’ll hurt him by leaving, think again. Remember, if he cared at all, he wouldn’t be treating you this way.

Stop Blaming Yourself

Blaming yourself isn’t going to get you anywhere except deeper into a pit of the crap you’re already feeling.

Did you pick the wrong guy? Yes indeed.

But instead of sitting there blaming yourself, learn from this experience!!

Chances are if you’ve stayed in this type of relationship, your confidence was low to begin with so take some time off and work on it.

A guy like this won’t approach a woman with confidence, so that’s your armor! Your shield against losers is confidence.

Discard the Belief that You Can Change Someone

The only person you can control is you. None of us can change someone else. That other person must want to change and right now, whatever he has going on is working for him.

That doesn’t mean you need to be the one who’s making it work, though!

His behavior is for him to recognize and change. This isn’t your project, and if you’ve made it your project until now, try embroidery or acrylic painting instead. Anything but this!

Just Walk Away – No Scene!

You don’t need to make a scene or prepare an ugly breakup scenario. Just end it. Josh, this relationship isn’t working for me, so I think it’s best that we just part ways.

Now, he’s losing something that he thinks he wants so he may try to argue that he’ll do better.

It’s likely that he isn’t going to do better. If he wanted to treat you better, he’d already be doing so.

What you don’t need to do is make a big scene out of it or cause an argument to get it done.

Recognize His Possible Reactions

It’s possible that somewhere deep inside, he does care about you and just isn’t very good at showing it. If that’s the case, he may do some of the following things.

“Chase” You

Men love the chase. There’s a possibility that he just became bored with the relationship but now that you’ve introduced a ton of challenge, he’s in it again, wanting to chase you.

It’s also possible that once he sees how his actions have resulted in you walking away, he’ll step up his game.

Regardless, don’t be surprised if he tries to chase you once you’ve ended the relationship.

What you do from here is up to you. Two things are possible. One is that he just enjoys the chase and as soon as he thinks he’s caught you again, he’ll slide back into old habits.

The second is that he recognizes that he needs to put more effort into a relationship with you and he steps up his game.

Unfortunately, there’s no way to know ahead of time, however, you’ll soon know if you allow him to date you again. He’ll either stop doing all of the negative behaviors above or he’ll start doing the things he should be doing.

He Might Realize He Misses You

Guys become complacent in relationships and take them for granted. There are things you can do to snap them out of this behavior, but right now, you have to wait and see how willing he is to even try.

So he might realize after you dump him that he misses you. Now, as far as I’m concerned, this is a golden opportunity for him to evaluate his own behavior in your relationship, and maybe he will, but it’s hard to say.

What he may realize is that he wants you back, but the two possibilities are the same as if he wants to chase you, so be prepared to take note of his behaviors.

The problem I had with J was that I was just clueless to the whole thing for the first many years. I was always so tickled that he’d reach out that I didn’t think too much about it until I realized he hadn’t changed.

Don’t make the same mistakes I made. Look for improvement and if you don’t see it, keep on walkin’.

He Might Be Brave Enough to Show His True Feelings

I dated a man once, before J, we’ll call him M. M and I dated for a while and he was actually a great guy, but he had a few annoying traits that I can’t even remember now. I ended the relationship when I just couldn’t do it anymore.

We’d been over for about two months when he called and asked if he could come over. I agreed and he showed up on my doorstep crying. Yes, crying.

He sobbed and begged me to take him back. Said he recognized that he’d made mistakes, and he wanted to have another try – no, he begged me for another try. So, I gave him one, but whatever it was that he’d been doing was still going on because the second try only lasted a few weeks.

He May Finally Understand the Consequences of His Actions

Actions have consequences. When you walked away, you established a boundary for how you would allow yourself to be treated. You drew a line in the sand and said I won’t take this crap anymore.

You might have tried to talk to him about his behavior before. I did with J. Like J, he may have promised to do better but never did.

But now that you’ve walked away, he sees the consequences of his actions. Before, you just indicated there would be consequences but never followed through. Following through on consequences is always the best plan.

He may straighten up because he now sees that if he wants to keep you, he must.

He Might Actually Prioritize the Relationship

Snapping him to attention by leaving might cause him to realize that this relationship is important to him. With any luck, he’ll quickly recognize that he needs to do better and will make your relationship a priority now.

Hear him out and, if you want, give him another chance.

He May Not Come Back at All

It’s also possible that he’ll just head off into the sunset and seek out another victim. That’s okay. You were being treated disrespectfully and now, that guy is gone.

In this instance, it’s time for you to take a few actions of your own.

What to Do After You End the Relationship

This is the most powerful time in your life. You’re free of a bad relationship and you have time to burn on you.

Take this time to do a few things for yourself so that when you’re ready for a new relationship, and that is not now, or tomorrow, you’re able to attract a man who will treat you much better!

Evaluate Past Relationships

Take a look at your past relationships. Is this a pattern of behavior for the men you date? If so, there are two things wrong. The first is that your confidence is low, and we’ll address that soon.

The second is that you’re looking for the wrong type of guy. There’s every possibility that once you build your confidence, this problem will take care of itself, but there are things you can do to make sure you look for the perfect man for you.

Make a list of the men from your past, preferably guys you’ve dated for at least a few weeks. Put each man’s name on a paper and draw two columns – positive traits & negative traits. Then fill in each for all of these men.

You’re looking for patterns. What negative traits keep showing up? You want to avoid those in the future. What positive traits are recurring? Those are things you should keep looking for.

Also, look at what happened in each of those relationships. Why did they end? Who ended it? You need to be brutally honest about both your role and his so you can get an honest look at what keeps happening.

Chances are that building your confidence will take care of many of the problems you see in yourself, like jealousy, clinginess, and so on.

Build Your Confidence

There it is. I’ve been alluding to it for the past 3600 words. Low confidence women attract low confidence men. Low confidence men behave the way we’ve been describing.

Aside from that, as you read previously, being in this type of relationship reduces your confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem.

Instead of immediately seeking a new relationship, which will make you feel better, but won’t be a better relationship, take some time off from dating to pull yourself together.

How long is difficult to say. I’d recommend at least a couple of months, if not more.

You must not only rebuild your confidence but define who you are as this new, confident woman. You may decide it’s time for other changes like your career, where you live, and so on.

It’s much easier to make all of these changes while you’re single and unencumbered. Take this time to get to know you again. As we age and our life changes, we change too. Values change. Priorities change. Goals change. Look at all of those areas of your life and determine what your values, priorities, and goals are today.

Rather than spend more time here telling you how to build your confidence, there’s an entire section of this website to do that. You can build your confidence by starting here.

Walking Away from Someone Who Doesn’t Value You – Wrap Up

In the end, the decision is up to you, but what I hope you choose is to value yourself enough to walk away from someone who does not value you! You deserve better! We all do! I have had zero regrets since walking away from J eighteen months ago.

I still care for him, mostly because his health was so poor, but I don’t talk to him. I don’t seek him out. I don’t drive by his house to see if he’s home. I don’t inquire with his friends. Nothing.

When he comes to mind, I give it a moment, then I move on.

The road ahead is full of reflection and many questions, depending on how he responds to you ending the relationship.

Be smart and wise. Keep emotions out of it if he tries to come back. It’s okay to give things another try, but you know now what he was doing before and as soon as he slides back into those behaviors, exit.

It’s okay to have a sit-down with him and lay your cards on the table. Tell him what’s wrong. He may truly be clueless. This could be the way his parents interacted, and he doesn’t know any other way to be.

Explain how you deserve to be treated and tell him you’ll expect nothing less. It’s okay to give him time to try to be better but keep those lines of communication open and be clear.

When he does well, let him know. Everyone appreciates knowing they’ve done something right. When he starts slipping, kindly and gently explain this to him too.

You’ll know within a few weeks if he’s truly trying to do better or if he just wants to keep treating you badly. Trust your gut!

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Why do Guys Disappear When They Like You?

The question for today is a good one – why do men disappear when they like you? It feels like mixed signals, right? He’s all attentive and then bam, he ghosts you. What the heck happened? Did you do something wrong? Is he hiding something? What gives?

I’m here today to help you understand a little more about how the male mind works. Of course, I can’t cover all of our secrets in one article, so be sure to check out this page for tons more information!

[image error] Why do Guys Disappear When They Like You?

Sadly, there are quite a few reasons for this behavior, and I want to say up front that I make no apologies for my fellow men. Some of us are really good guys and then there are the schmucks. Just because your guy disappears for a while doesn’t make him a schmuck, by the way, as you’ll soon see.

Before we go on with some of these reasons, I want to have a brief discussion about how men and women are different because it has a bearing on our conversation.

As you may know, men and women do just about everything differently, including navigating their emotions, falling in love, and working through problems, to name a few. We also communicate differently with women using many words and men using few.

Keep these things in mind as you continue reading.

What To Do and What NOT to Do If It Happens

Perhaps I should start with what you should not do if this happens or is currently happening to you.

Don’t Text-Bomb Him

Fretting at him via text, emails, or voicemails shows your insecurities. Yes, his sudden departure has stirred up all of your worst fears and they’re rearing up now like a big ugly pimple.

Chill out. Get back into your hobbies. Go do some things with your friends. Take a mini vacation. Do something to take your mind off of him being gone. If he decides to come back, he’ll be more likely to do so if you don’t prove yourself to be the Mayor of Crazytown while he’s away.

Don’t Make it About You

Your go-to is to blame yourself for him leaving, but as you’ll soon read, most of the reasons he most likely bailed have nothing to do with you, but if you make it about you, you’re missing the point.

This is his problem to work through. He may need your support if he returns, and he’ll sense that it’s a safe place for him if you haven’t made it all about you.

Don’t Jump to Conclusions

I know how it works; I grew up with three older sisters. A guy leaves and right away, you and your friends start jumping to all sorts of conclusions.

He’s dating someone elseHe’s a serial killerIt turns out he is married

You don’t usually know the reason, so don’t gossip or jump to conclusions. If your friends try, steer the conversation in a different direction.

Do Work on Your Confidence

If you’re freaking out right now, it means those insecurities are getting the better of you. At the root of those insecurities is lower confidence, so while he’s away, work on it.

Think of this situation as facing a fear, because that’s what you’re doing. You’re probably afraid of a guy leaving you, and he did, confirming your fears, but if he has a good reason, then it’s nothing to do with you.

So, face that fear head on. Get back to the gym and burn off some of that stress and anxiety with some good workouts. They’re good for your mind, body, and soul! Pick up a hobby. Focus on your career. Stay busy building!

Don’t Blame Him Either

Yes, he left for one of the reasons below, but he’s doing the best he can. He isn’t maliciously trying to hurt you. He’s too busy working on whatever it is that caused him to bolt in the first place.

He’s doing the best he can under what may be a difficult circumstance. Give him the benefit of the doubt until you have a valid (not gossip) reason not to.

Do Write Your Story

When I say write your story, what I mean is enjoy a variety of life experiences. Have a hobby. Take vacations, even if they’re mini vacations close to home. Explore life. Take classes. DO things. Even if you try and fail, it’s a fun story to tell a guy.

Facing a fear is a great way to write your story. Then, you can tell guys how you decided to walk across a rope bridge at a local park and how terrified you were, then share a funny story about talking yourself through it.

Writing your story is not something you necessarily focus on. Instead, focus on living a full life. Add experiences to your life because it’s good for you, not for men. This is ultimately something you do for you, but the added bonus is that it gives you something to share with a guy.

Why do Guys Disappear When They Like You?He’s Dealing with a Big Loss

While women are great multitaskers, men usually are not. I’m amazed at how women can be doing three things at once and do them all very well. If I’m focused on recording videos, for example, then I’m recording videos. I’m not also doing laundry and thinking about my grocery shopping later.

Therefore, if he’s dealing with a significant loss, he needs to focus his attention on that. Many men will retreat from a new relationship while they work through the details of finalizing a divorce or child custody issues.

Significant losses, like a loved one (including a pet), a job, or income, are often emotional on some level and require his attention. Since many men don’t deal with their emotions well, it can be all-consuming until they work through those emotions.

Regardless of the cause, these are almost always temporary situations that will resolve and enable him to come back to you. Be patient and let him have his time. This is one of the few reasons why a guy may come back.

He Might Be Experiencing High Stress

Life can be overly stressful at times and stress comes at you from many directions. Sometimes, it even feels like every single stressor hit at the same time.

And you can add to that that men feel stress coming at them from different places than women. For example, a guy who’s thinking ahead to a family, even if it’s just the two of you living together, might stress if his finances aren’t as great as he’d like them to be.

Men are, by nature, providers. Even if you have your own income and fully support yourself just fine, it’s innate for him to want to be able to support you. It’s noble, even if it is a little frustrating.

He May Have Felt the Relationship Wasn’t for Him

This is a more likely excuse if you haven’t known him for very long – a few weeks or so. While it’s not a great way to handle it, if he doesn’t like confrontation, he may just bolt and not say a word.

Of course, if this turns out to be the case, you’re free to date and move on, but you won’t know right away.

I’m not saying it’s the right way for him to handle things, but it’s a possibility to consider. Give him a few weeks to sort out whatever he might be sorting out and if he’s still ghosting you, move on, but do so after you try to send a friendly text.

Send something fun, not mentioning his time away, and let it be. If he replies, great. If not, you probably have your answer.

Why do Guys Disappear When They Like You? They Feel too Vulnerable

He may be feeling very vulnerable in the relationship, and it’s made his fight or flight kick in. Maybe he’s started caring for you more than he planned and he’s freaking out. Instead of dealing with it, he got scared and ran.

The problem with this is that while he may come back, he might do the same thing again. He doesn’t have a healthy way to navigate the emotions he’s feeling so he escapes before things get too real.

The truth is that he might not even realize what’s going on. All he knows is that he woke up one day and felt like he was going crazy. The only thing he knew to do was stop talking to you because it made him feel safe again.

It’s entirely possible that this guy isn’t coming back, and, like I said, if he does, he may repeat this behavior. He’s not relationship material right now so kiss this one goodbye.

He’s Not Ready for a Relationship

I have this theory that I’ve labeled the conveyor belt to manhood. My theory states that as boys, we’re placed on this conveyor belt. Think of it like a conveyor belt to make chocolate chip cookies.

They hop on in their childhood and they learn stuff, like how to treat people, how to stand up for themselves, and so on. It’s like adding the flour, salt, sugar, etc.

As they get older, the ingredients are more complicated. Instead of a cookie, we’re now making a gourmet meal. These ingredients include an ability to self-support, being capable of managing their emotions, having the drive to succeed, being competitive, and a few more.

The problem is that for a variety of reasons, not all boys travel the entire conveyor belt. Perhaps they experienced the loss of a parent at a young age, forcing the other parent to work doubly hard and not really have time. It’s possible that they lived in a life where strictly surviving from day to day was all they could do.

It’s also possible that nobody fed them the right ingredients. Parents do the best they can, but sometimes they don’t have all of the ingredients either, so they don’t know to feed them into their kids.

Regardless of the why, he’s just not relationship material yet. In this case, he did you a favor!

He’s Terrified of Being Hurt

I’d like to tell you a story of Jerry. Jerry is now a sixty-something man who has been so afraid of being hurt for the last twenty-five years, that he’s incapable of being in a real relationship.

Oh, he thinks he wants to be in one, but when presented with a great woman, his fears kick in and he does his best to push her away, all the while wanting her to stay.

It’s a very frustrating dance that many women don’t even pick up on. The signals are so confusing. He may ghost you for a few weeks, or even a few months, then when his fear subsides, he reaches back out, charming as when you fell for him the first time.

But the pattern persists. He comes back all sunshine and roses, says all of the right things, but when his fear kicks in again – i.e. he feels you getting too close, he bolts, again.

This also qualifies as not being relationship material, just for a different reason. It’s sad really because these guys want a relationship so badly, but when push comes to shove, they just can’t let themselves be happy due to this overwhelming fear.

He’s Too Fresh Out of Another Relationship

It’s possible that you’re a rebound girl for this guy. He just broke up with someone else and rather than feel those feelings, he found you.

Guys do this all too often. Sometimes they tell you that they just broke up with their girlfriend of five years. If you hear this, odds are you’re the rebound and it isn’t going to last.

Very few rebound relationships survive more than a couple of months because their true purpose is to avoid those negative feelings.

Why do Guys Disappear When They Like You? He Was In it for the Sex

Sadly, you might have found yourself a player disguised as a nice guy. If there’s one type of loser capable of spoofing a woman into believing he’s a good guy, it’s the player.

They have practiced their lines so well and learned what works and what doesn’t work, that they’re professionals at saying and doing the right things.

Players find women they feel they can take advantage of, so if he thinks you have something to offer, usually sex or money, he’ll give it his best shot.

Once a player feels like he’s gotten out of you all he can, he’s gone and hunting for his next victim. In this case, say buh bye and work on your confidence. These guys are repelled by confident women!

You Aren’t Mysterious

I talk often about mystery and challenge, and both are equally important to a guy. When a guy gets bored in a relationship, especially early on, he’s more likely to bolt.

Too often, women share too much too soon, and then there’s no mystery. This is why I encourage women not to share a lot when they first meet someone new.

It’s hard, I know. You’re excited to feel the attraction and you’re basically marketing yourself. You want to tell him all of the wonderful things about your life.

The problem is that he has nothing to learn, or so he thinks.

To avoid this, steer conversations away from questions about you. Ask him questions. Be blunt yet fun and say, “Gee, we’ve been spending a lot of time on me, let’s talk about you.”

He Just Needs to Boost His Ego

For some men, stroking their ego is an ongoing need. A man with an ego problem will start relationships for the validation. He doesn’t want a relationship because that requires too much work.

Instead, he just wants to be constantly reassured that he’s the type of guy that women want. As soon as he feels like his ego has been stroked, he’s out and on the hunt for more validation.

He Isn’t Ready to Give up His Freedom

Some men enjoy their freedom. They like not having to answer to anyone and the thought of a committed relationship makes them realize they may be losing their freedom.

You can head this one off at the pass from early on by not demanding too much of his time, not complaining when he wants to hang out with his friends, and by keeping the life you’ve developed outside of your relationship.

If he continues to feel as if he has some freedom, he won’t have this worry.

Why do Guys Disappear When They Like You: What to do Next

In most of these cases, the guy either isn’t likely to come back, or he’s a guy you shouldn’t want back. Knowing this hopefully helps you move forward and not feel as badly about the whole situation.

Don’t Feel Rejected

This isn’t about you, it’s about him – again. Rather than feel rejected by whatever loser activity pushed him out of your life, be thankful that you’re rid of one more scumbag.

His issues are his, so don’t own them. Yes, you attracted a loser, but boosting your confidence will help you shield yourself against having that happen again.

Work on Some Self-Care

You’ve been through something, so take some time for self-care. Allow yourself to be pampered with quiet reading, music you love, movies that make you laugh, favorite foods, and of course, bubble baths with wine and candles.

This isn’t just a feel-good activity. It helps you regain some self-worth and recognize that you are worthy of being taken care of. Make sure the next guy you date knows this too!

Show Compassion When Appropriate

In a couple of the reasons above, I mentioned that he may come back to you once he’s dealt with his stuff. If you know he’s going through something difficult, gently let him know that you’re there for him when he’s ready.

Don’t force anything and don’t keep texting him. One message will do the trick. In a week or two, you can send one that just says something like, thinking of you and hoping all is well.

These messages aren’t demanding so he won’t feel threatened by them. You aren’t asking him to come back or even to share what’s going on. Just lending a little support.

Ask Yourself One Important Question

Before you decide to try to get back into a relationship that may be toxic for you, ask yourself this one important question – is this all you deserve? Don’t you deserve a man who’s one thousand percent into you and wants to treat you like the queen you are?

If your answer is either I don’t know or no, work on your confidence, then ask again.

That’s a Wrap on Why do Guys Disappear When They Like You

The truth is that you deserve to be happy, and I hope that if you don’t believe it now, you recognize that boosting your confidence is your next step.

A guy who can’t make a commitment out of fear, ego, or something else (other than having something heavy going on) doesn’t deserve a wonderful woman like you.

When you have high confidence, guys like this won’t even approach you. They know you’re out of their league and they don’t want to work hard enough to prove they are worthy of a great woman like you.

Great confident men will be attracted to you. They know you when they see you. Men can tell which women have confidence and which do not. You want the men who will treat you with respect and aren’t afraid to make a commitment when they recognize it’s time!

Knowing how to not date a jerk includes embracing your single life and taking the time to become a confident, independent woman. Riding Solo, a book written specifically for women who want to do just that, walks you through overcoming the stigma of being single on to becoming that independent, confident woman. This places you in the best possible position to find and date wonderful, great men who are not jerks.

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How Soon is Too Soon to Propose?

Gregg, I’ve been dating this guy for a couple of months, and I really like him, but how soon is too soon to propose?

I’m afraid that if you’re asking this question, you might not like my answer, but let’s dive into this topic and see if we can come to an agreement.

Short versus Long-Term Gratification

There’s a popular study often called the Marshmallow Study, during which a researcher gave a group of four-year-olds one big fluffy marshmallow. The children were told that if they could wait to eat the marshmallow until the researcher returned from running a quick errand, they would get not one, but two big fluffy marshmallows.

Some children ate theirs, others did not during the fifteen-minute absence of the researcher.

Many years later, the researcher followed up with these same people. The research showed that the children who couldn’t wait as four-year-olds were still seeking short-term gratification while the children who were able to wait then now also enjoyed the gift of waiting for long-term gratification and had happier lives overall.

In other words, if you wait longer, there is usually a higher reward, in this case, a greater chance of success in the marriage and a happier relationship.

How Soon is Too Soon to Propose?

It can feel like each week is a month long if you’re waiting for a long-term commitment, especially if you feel a strong connection to a guy.

But slow down friend. Let’s make sure that before you dig into a commitment like marriage that you’re sure this guy is worthy of you and that your relationship is truly on course for long-term success.

The truth is that the longer you’re able to wait, the better, within limits of course. Let’s look at some signs that it’s too soon.

It’s Been Less Than a Year

While it’s true that some couples get engaged faster, your odds of success increase the longer you wait.

Within that first year, you may still be in the honeymoon phase, and if you aren’t, you probably aren’t long out of it.

It’s unlikely that you’ve experienced enough together to know for sure that you’re a good fit for one another. You’ll understand better after you finish reading.

You Don’t Know Much About One Another

It takes time to get to know someone really well. Even if you’ve made the mistake of sharing too much too soon, you still don’t know the important things.

Learning about someone comes more through experiences together and less through their words. He may say he loves kids, then whenever you’re around your nieces and nephews, he shies away. That’s your real answer.

You should know what he does for a living and what his goals are for his career. The two of you should be comfortable sharing your vulnerabilities as well. These things may seem small, but they add up over time.

You’ve Either Had Ugly Arguments or No Arguments

A good relationship has disagreements, but if both parties are good communicators, those arguments don’t get ugly.

Instead, you learn how to navigate them, and you work through things together.

If you’ve never argued, you aren’t being honest with one another. One or both of you are afraid to express your true opinions, which means there isn’t a great feeling of trust between you yet.

One of Both of You are Struggling Financially

Entering a marriage on solid footing is challenging enough. Entering one when one or both of you are struggling financially brings many new challenges to the situation.

If you’ve read my articles and followed my advice, you already have your financial act together, but if you haven’t, it’s time.

Financial soundness isn’t just something I recommend for your relationship; it’s something you should strive for regardless. It provides you with a freedom that’s hard to ignore. It also proves to any interested man that you want him for more than his financial support.

How do You Know It’s Time

Some believe that two years is a good timeframe to use, but setting a definitive timeframe doesn’t take into consideration the characteristics of your individual relationship.

For example, if you have a long-distance relationship due to living apart or military deployment, you’re not spending as much time together as a couple who lives in the same area.

When you live close, you may enjoy one or two date nights a week, maybe even more. But if you don’t live close enough, you may get one date a month or less if it’s military-based.

It’s the time you spend together that will better determine a timeframe. Of course, this doesn’t mean that if you’re long distance you need to wait a lot longer, but you do need to make sure that you know one another well enough to consider such a big step.

You’re Still in the Honeymoon or Infatuation Stage

One problem with jumping into marriage too soon is that you might not be giving the relationship enough time to stretch past the honeymoon phase when everything is glowing and fun. The chemistry is high, and you’re very attracted to one another.

You can read more about the stages of a relationship here.

As you can read in the article linked above, there are many dangers of a proposal during this initial phase of your relationship, not the least of which is ignoring the red flags.

This stage is a highly emotional stage of the relationship, which overrides your overall ability to use logical thought. The chemistry is hot and all you want to do is spend time together.

The problem is that if you do see red flags, you’ll dismiss them as inconsequential. You can read more about dating with your head, not your heart here.

Another risk is wanting to spend so much time with your new guy that you give up your life outside of the relationship. Your hobbies and activities with your friends are sidelined to spend more time with your guy.

But, you need time apart from one another too. Even when you’re living together or married, you need time to yourselves.

This stage is also at risk where honesty is concerned. During this phase, you’re essentially trying to market yourself to the other person. You want to put your best foot forward, and that may not fully reflect who you are.

And, of course, the last leads us back to our topic for today. In the honeymoon phase, you may have higher than reasonable expectations for your relationship, thinking you’re ready for a long-term commitment way before you really are. Expect this stage to last three to twelve months.

You’re Able to Communicate Effectively

Poor communication is a relationship killer. If you can’t talk to one another, how can you have a good relationship?

The problem is that people think of communication as talking, few realize it’s also about listening. In fact, one could argue that listening is more important than talking.

Another problem with communication is that some folks communicate through yelling. This intimidating form of communication is akin to bullying and gets you nowhere. Couples who yell often have problems staying together.

A third problem with communication is when people can’t be honest or share their vulnerabilities. It’s scary to tell someone about your soft underbelly and men are as afraid of this as women. But once your relationship settles in and moves past infatuation, you should feel more comfortable sharing.

You’ve Discussed Marriage

You’ve been dating for a few months, and you hear wedding bells, but how does he feel about marriage? Conversely, how badly would you feel if you didn’t want to get married and he proposed?

Even early in dating, it’s okay to discuss marriage in general. Feel one another out about marriage and even kids. While he might be into marriage, he might not want kids while you can hear your biological clock ticking loudly.

Better to know where you each stand on the topic before you get too far into things, and someone has higher expectations than the other person is willing to commit to.

You’ve Met the Important People

You can learn a lot about a man by how he treats others and how they treat him. With his family, examine how he treats the females in his family. Is he close with them? Do they respect him?

The last thing you want is the family saying Honey, run away before it’s too late! And this does happen! A family who knows their guy is a schmuck but likes you will advise you to get out. Take their advice.

With his friends, you can look at whether they respect him and how they are around him. Also, this is a good time to look at how he treats you when you’re out with his friends. He should not ignore you and should protect you. He should treat you with respect regardless of where you are, to be honest.

You’ve Passed Some Important Milestones Together

Marriages are challenging enough without jumping in too soon. A relationship that’s been well-tested has passed a few milestones.

The first is that you’ve experienced and survived an argument. You learn how you both handle a disagreement between you and whether you’re each willing and able to forgive after.

No relationship is perfect, so knowing how this shakes out is very important to your long-term success. If you can’t argue well, all bets are off. It will be a rocky ride.

Another dynamic to settle is how your marriage will be run. Is he in charge? Are you? Do you share in the control of the relationship? Do you want kids? Who will stay home with them, if anyone?

A third hurdle is traveling together. You learn a lot about someone when they’re away from home. It’s a more stressful situation because you’re in unfamiliar territory. Flights get cancelled. Bad weather creeps up. Hotel rooms turn out to be mold infested. You get to see one another at your best and worst.

Plus, you’re spending nearly 100% of your time together. Does this bring you closer together or make you feel anxious?

He Has All of the Traits of a Good Man

Just last week, I posted an article about the qualities in a good man. You can find it here. Make sure your guy checks a lot of those boxes, specifically confidence and great communication.

If he has one or two of those traits, but that’s it, it doesn’t make him a good man. You want him to have most of those traits, not just a couple.

You also want to make sure that while he exhibits those traits early on, he continues to do so after the infatuation has dissipated and you’re seeing more of his true self.

You Consider Yourselves a Unit

Your best friend texts and invites you to a party at her house this weekend to celebrate her thirtieth birthday. Do you say, “Yeah sure I’ll be there” or “Year sure we’ll be there”? It’s subtle but important.

Additionally, when you think of your future, do you include him? Is it we or I? You might subconsciously already have your answer right there.

Most of Your Goals and Values Align

If one of you values family and wants a large family while the other values experiences and travel, you may have a problem.

You need to make sure that you align in the important areas of life. Where do you want to live? City? Country? Suburbs? Do you want to own or rent? Do you want to travel, live abroad, or settle down where you grew up?

These things are very important and if discussed too late can really cause problems. Make sure you’re both on the same page in whatever key areas matter to you.

The Bottom Line on How Soon is Too Soon to Propose

I’d like to say trust your gut here, but there’s more to it than that this time. Your gut is a great indicator of whether this guy is a good guy once you’re past the honeymoon phase, but just because he’s a good guy doesn’t mean it’s time to get married.

The signs above should help you decide when it’s the right time for the two of you. I can’t give you some number of months or years, just things to look for in each other and your relationship.

Take your time and build a great relationship together. Know who he is and what he stands for. Be willing to trust him and make sure you’re both excellent communicators.

This will get you off to a great start on your future lives together!

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