Gregg Michaelsen's Blog, page 4

Unveiling the Secrets of Love: Essential Advice on Love for Women

Understanding the psychological aspects of love can greatly enhance a woman’s ability to navigate her relationships. One of the first things to understand is that love is not just a feeling, but a complex interplay of emotions, behaviors, and beliefs. It involves attachment, intimacy, and care, and these elements are influenced by both our personal experiences and our biological makeup.

Love often begins with attraction, which is largely influenced by physical appearance and shared interests. However, it’s important to note that attraction is not solely based on these factors. Psychological aspects such as personality traits, values, and attitudes also play a crucial role. Understanding this can help women to look beyond the surface when seeking a partner.

Attachment is another key psychological aspect of love. This is the deep bond that develops between people who spend a lot of time together. It’s influenced by factors such as the level of comfort, safety, and security that a person feels in the relationship. Women should understand that a healthy attachment involves a balance of dependence and independence.

Intimacy is a crucial component of love that involves sharing personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences with a partner. It’s important for women to understand that intimacy is not just physical, but also emotional and intellectual. It requires trust, openness, and mutual respect. Building intimacy takes time and effort, and it’s essential for a meaningful relationship.

Lastly, love involves care, which is the willingness to prioritize another person’s needs and happiness above your own. It’s important for women to understand that care should be reciprocal in a healthy relationship. It’s not about self-sacrifice, but about mutual support and understanding.

The Science of Attraction

When it comes to the game of love, not everything is left to chance. In fact, the attraction between two people is hardly a mystery. It’s science! Your brain, hormones, and senses all play a crucial role in determining who you find attractive. So, perhaps it’s time to delve a little into this fascinating subject. 

Our Brains: Oxytocin and dopamine, two brain chemicals, largely play a role in attraction. Oxytocin, often referred to as the ‘love hormone’, is released during touch and intimacy, fostering a sense of connection and trust. Dopamine, conversely, favors the ‘reward’ system in the brain, making us feel pleasure and satisfaction. So, if you find yourself magnetically drawn to someone, you might want to thank these little participants! 

Hormones: Other than those in our brains, hormones like estrogen and testosterone are key contributors as well. Interestingly, women are seen to prefer the scent of men with high testosterone levels, especially during the most fertile period of their menstrual cycle. On the other hand, men are attracted to women with higher levels of estrogen, which suggests femininity and fertility. It appears as if nature has its subtle ways of bringing people together! 

It’s all about chemistry, literally. The secret of attraction lies in the unique combination of chemicals in our bodies.

Senses: It’s not just about seeing or talking to someone that makes them attractive – quite often it’s also about their smell! Pheromones, chemicals that are secreted in our sweat and other body fluids, are believed to play a crucial role in attraction. They are subtly carried through the air, triggering specific responses among members of the same species. So next time you find someone’s scent strangely alluring, remember it might be their pheromones working! 

Last but not least, looking attractive often extends beyond sheer physicality. The way a person thinks, their perspectives, and their sense of humor can all significantly impact perceived attractiveness. So, while understanding the science of attraction is fascinating, remember that every person is unique, and it’s that uniqueness which will ultimately make them truly irresistible.

Advice on Love and Attachment

Let’s touch on a crucial aspect of love: attachment. Attachment refers to a deep emotional bond with someone else. It’s the feeling that keeps you coming back for more, the one that triggers your heart to beat faster when you see your loved one, and gives you the shivers when you hear their voice. 

While everyone experiences attachment differently, there are several universal stages that most people pass through. Allow me to walk you through them, and help you navigate this essential part of a blossoming relationship. 

The stages of attachment Initial attraction: This is sparked by physical attraction, shared interests, or a magnetic personality. It’s during this stage that you’ll likely feel butterflies in your stomach and an intense interest in getting to know the other person more. It’s exciting, but remember, it’s only the first step of many.Building a connection: Here, you’ll start spending time together and exploring shared experiences. You’ll get to know each other on a deeper level, revealing your true selves, and potentially even revealing your vulnerabilities. It’s when infatuation gives birth to deeper emotions.Mutual recognition of attachment: This is when it ‘clicks.’ You both acknowledge your feelings and decide you want to be in a relationship. As joyful as it can be, it should also be a period of serious discussion—about exclusivity, future plans, and shared expectations.Lasting attachment: This is the long term, the ‘through thick and thin.’ It’s when you’ve developed a genuine understanding and acceptance of each other’s strengths and weaknesses. You’re not just in love with the idea of the person; you love who they genuinely are.

Note: It’s necessary to understand these phases are a guide, not a rule. Everyone’s journey is unique; you may sail through these stages quickly, linger in others, or skip one altogether. 

How to nurture your attachment 

Attachment doesn’t remain static; instead, it grows and strengthens with time and effort. Good communication, trust, respect, and space for individuality are a few key elements that can help you nurture healthier attachments. These characteristics lay the foundation for a meaningful relationship, helping your love grow stronger and deeper over time. 

Attachment is the long-lasting bond that keeps couples together. It’s the glue that can make your relationship survive the highs and lows, the laughter, and the tears, to appreciate the beautiful shared moments and to withstand the challenging ones. Love well, and on your terms.

After all, there are no ‘perfect relationships’ – only perfectly imperfect ones, beautiful in their unique ways. Remember, love is as much about the journey as it is about the destination. 

What Intimacy is and What it is Not

Understanding intimacy’s true nature can transform your love life dramatically. Many women confuse sexual attraction and physical closeness with intimacy, but it goes much deeper. Intimacy is about a strong emotional connection, vulnerability, and about being open and comfortable in each other’s emotional space. 

Let’s clear a few misconceptions about intimacy: 

Intimacy isn’t solely physical: While physical closeness can help foster it, true intimacy stems from emotional bond and mutual understanding.Intimacy doesn’t require sacrifice: It’s not about losing your personal boundaries and self-respect. Each party can maintain their individuality while still being intimately connected.Intimacy can’t be hurried: It naturally evolves over time as trust builds within the relationship.

With that understanding, let’s talk about ways to foster genuine intimacy. 

Strategies to Foster Intimacy 

Building an authentic, profound, intimate connection requires intentional effort. Here are a few strategies to help deepen your relationships: 

Communicate Openly: Share your dreams, fears, hopes and insecurities. Open communication enables you to understand and empathize with your partner’s emotional world.Show Emotional Transparency: Express your feelings sincerely, however you’re feeling. Allow your partner to see the real you, fostering a sense of trust and closeness.Actively Listen: Practice active listening, which means focusing completely on your partner when they speak, showing interest, and offering supportive feedback.Establish Boundaries: Define your limits and respect your partner’s boundaries too. Intimacy is not about losing individuality but about harmonizing two different individuals.

Remember, love and relationships are rarely a smooth journey. They come with their fair share of challenges and turbulences. However, with authenticity, mutual respect, and patience, you can cultivate the intimacy that’s both rewarding and nourishing.

Advice on Love and Prioritizing One Another’s Needs

Love is a unique journey, not a one-size-fits-all roadmap. It means different things to different people, and similarly, everyone has unique needs, expectations, and dreams. To forge a lasting relationship, you mustn’t only understand your own needs but also those of your partner. Prioritizing each other’s needs doesn’t mean neglecting yours. Instead, it’s about creating a mutual platform where you both can thrive. 

Prioritizing each other’s needs involves paying attention, active listening, empathy, and taking deliberate actions to address those needs. In this section, I’ll dive into how you can achieve this successfully. 

Understanding Your Partner’s Needs 

Every individual is unique and so are their needs. Your partner’s needs could range from emotional support, validation, affection, space, excitement, or even shared activities. Encourage open and honest communication, giving your love the freedom to express what they really want and need from the relationship. The aim isn’t just to understand, but to respect these needs as indicative of their individuality and uniqueness. 

Empathy and Active Listening 

To prioritize your partner’s needs, you must develop empathy. This means recognizing and sharing the feelings and concerns of your partner, making sure they feel understood and valued. Active listening helps you develop empathy; it’s the art of truly hearing what your partner says and understanding their perspective. Strong communication skills will ultimately affect how well you can meet each other’s needs. 

Meeting the Needs 

Now you’ve understood the needs, it’s time to meet them. If your partner needs more quality time, reshape your routine to incorporate more shared experiences. If they need validation, be more vocal about their strengths and achievements. Simple actions, done continuously, can take even the most routine days and transform them into special memories. 

Caring for Your Own Needs 

While it’s important to prioritize your partner’s needs, you should never ignore your own. Maintain a balanced approach. Express your needs clearly and resolve problems collectively. Striking a healthy balance will maintain the validity and vitality of the relationship. 

Remember, prioritizing each other’s needs is never about sacrificing your own happiness or well-being. Instead, it’s about fostering a space where both of you can be yourselves and still feel loved, cherished, and understood.

Understanding What You Truly Want

Understanding what you truly want in a relationship is vital to finding and maintaining love. However, it can often appear challenging, especially due to societal pressures and expectations. Yet, don’t lose hope. Here are some tips and guidance to help you explore what you truly seek in love. 

Firstly, it’s necessary to identify your core values. These are the principles that guide your life and should, ideally, align with your partner’s. Do you value honesty above all? Or is it freedom, dedication, compassion? It’s essential to establish this as it can greatly influence your relationship satisfaction. 

Recognize your deal breakers. These are traits or habits that you can’t tolerate in a partner. It could be something like constant negativity, lack of ambition, or dishonesty. Don’t let the fear of ending up alone make you overlook these. A relationship that brings you more pain than joy is not worth it. 

Communication and mutual respect. It’s important to remember that love is not just about passion but also about being able to share your thoughts, ideas, fears, and hopes with your partner. Furthermore, respect is indispensable for any healthy relationship – insist on it for yourself but also ensure you offer it to your partner. 

Creating a mental image of your ideal relationship can be quite helpful too. Think about how you would like to interact with your partner, how you handle conflicts, the amount of independence you both have, etc. Once you’ve got it, ask yourself if this aligns with the reality of your current or prospective relationship. If it doesn’t, it’s perhaps time to reconsider. 

The Role of Self-Love 

When speaking of love, it’s necessary not to overlook the value of self-love. Remember, you cannot pour from an empty cup. Taking care of your mental and emotional well-being not only increases your chances of finding love but also enriches your ability to maintain it. Plus, it sets a standard for how you allow others to treat you. 

Remember, love starts within you. You have to love yourself first before you can truly give and receive love from others.

Once you understand what it is you’re truly seeking, finding the right love becomes less daunting. Remember, it’s not about finding someone who fulfills all your expectations but someone with whom you can grow, someone who can become your best friend, and someone who, by adding to your life, makes it more vibrant and joyful. Thus, knowing what you truly want is the beginning of your beautiful love journey.

Advice on Love: Defining Your Relationship Goals

Before you venture into the world of love and relationships, it’s crucial to have a clear understanding of what you want out of a partnership. Defining your relationship goals not only helps direct your actions in love, but also shapes your expectations, enhancing your chances of achieving a fulfilled romantic life. Let’s delve into this. 

Firstly, ask yourself what you seek in a relationship and be brutally honest. Is it companionship, physical intimacy, friendship, or a combination of these? Every individual’s desires are unique, and what works for a close friend or a family member might not work for you. 

Companionship: This means wanting a partner to share life’s ups and downs.Physical intimacy: Some people prioritize a strong physical connection with their partner.Friendship: You might be looking for someone who can be your best friend as well as a romantic partner.

Understanding your needs and wants is only half the battle. You need to be able to communicate these desires to your potential or existing partner(s) to make sure you’re both on the same page. Otherwise, misunderstandings and unfulfilled expectations can lead to bitterness and disappointment. 

Personal growth and understanding only truly comes when we invest the time and effort to explore our desires and communicate them openly.

Another integral aspect of defining relationship goals involves considerations for the future. Do you envision marriage, children, or a life of travel and adventure? Or perhaps, you would prefer to keep things more flexible, and simply see where the relationship journey takes you.

Dating Etiquettes: Modern Rules for the Modern Woman

Being a modern woman in the dating world can feel like navigating through an exciting, yet complex labyrinth. With the evolving dynamics of relationships and the influence of digital platforms, how can you maintain your grace, confidence and authenticity in the dating scene? Let’s explore a few ground rules you can integrate into your dating life. 

Self-Assertiveness: 

In the world of dating, it’s essential you voice your feelings and stand up for what you believe in. It’s not about being aggressive. It’s about valuing your beliefs, expressing your needs clearly and asserting boundaries. Strong, independent women are not afraid to say what they feel or want. Remember, being you is enough. 

“A strong woman is one who feels deeply and loves fiercely. Her tears flow as abundantly as her laughter. A strong woman is both soft and powerful, she is both practical and spiritual. A strong woman in her essence is a gift to the world.” – Native American saying

Honest Communication: 

Transparency and honesty form the bedrock of any impactful conversations, more so when you’re getting to know someone. Express your thoughts, ideas, desires, and aspirations honestly. Remember to be receptive to your date’s perspective as well. Honest communication builds respect and trust, the two pillars of any successful relationship. 

Embrace Your Individuality 

Your uniqueness is your strength in the dating realm. Embrace who you are, with all your quirks, passions, and idiosyncrasies. Take pride in your independence, your hard-won achievements, and your life experiences. Cherish your interests and hobbies because they make you the person you are. Be true to yourself, because authenticity is truly magnetic. 

The Art of Listening: 

True listening goes beyond hearing. It involves understanding, empathizing, and truly grasping what another person is saying. When your date speaks, try to engage fully in their narrative. Active listening involves responding appropriately and providing feedback when needed. Not only does listening emphasize your interest, but it also promotes respect and understanding in relationships. 

Remember, Dating is a Journey 

Our modern world might convince you that you must quickly meet someone and fall in love. However, the essence of dating is about exploration, learning about new people, enjoying experiences, and having fun along this journey. More than finding the perfect partner immediately, it’s about personal growth and self-discovery. So sit back, enjoy the ride, and know that the right person will come at the right time. 

Dating Safety: 

Despite all the excitement that comes with dating, ensure that your safety is never compromised. Be careful about sharing personal details, especially on online platforms. Always choose public and safe locations for the initial dates. Remember, your comfort and security are paramount, don’t compromise them for anyone or anything.

Advice on Love: Balancing Love and Independence

Love is a wonderful emotion, but it’s essential not to lose your individuality and independence in the process of falling in love or being in a relationship. Balancing love and independence can seem like a tightrope act, but with the right approach, you can maintain your freedom and still enjoy a beautiful, loving relationship. 

Remember, it’s absolutely okay to want ‘me’ time or pursue your own interests separate from your partner. It doesn’t mean you love them any less – it simply contributes to a healthier and more balanced relationship. 

Embrace Your Independence 

Independence isn’t about doing everything by yourself. Instead, it’s about knowing that you can handle things alone, even though you might not need to. Value your alone time, cherish your freedom, and develop your interests and hobbies. These are not only therapeutic but also allow you to grow as an individual. 

Communicate with Your Partner 

No successful relationship happens without open, honest communication. It’s not just about sharing your feelings or expressing love. You also need to communicate your need for personal space and independence. Most partners will understand and respect this if you articulate it considerately and lovingly. 

Balance Couple Time and ‘Me’ Time 

Managing time is key to balancing love and independence. Spend quality time with your partner, but also set aside enough time for yourself. It might seem challenging at first but knowing when to prioritise what, comes with practice and understanding. 

Create Shared and Individual Goals 

While shared dreams and objectives foster unity, individual goals ensure personal growth. Co-creating life goals strengthens the relationship while individual targets help retain your personal identity. Yes, it’s not just okay but important, that apart from being a pair, you also have a personal life track.  

In the quest for love, never compromise on your individuality or independence. With effective communication, understanding, and a bit of effort, there is always a way to find balance in love and independence. 

Ditching the Fairy-Tale: Real Love Vs. Ideal Love

Dreamy Hollywood romance movies might lead you to believe love is about grand gestures and breathless declarations. However, real love, the enduring kind, is often a more subdued affair, characterized by kindness, understanding, and shared moments of peace. It’s not always easy to discern this distinction. Thus, understanding and appreciating real love versus ideal love is a critical perspective to maintain for a healthy, happy relationship. 

Real Love: 

Real love, the most profound and lasting form of love, is all about true intimacy and emotional connection. It doesn’t have to be a roller-coaster of ups and downs. It finds beauty in calm and constancy. It’s more about feeling at home with someone, enjoying a sense of security and mutual respect, and continually growing together. 

Cultivating patience: Real love is patient. It understands that every individual has their process of development and doesn’t force growth or change.Accepting flaws: Loving someone genuinely means accepting their flaws. Remember, everybody is a work in progress.Deep kindness: Real love operates from a foundation of deep kindness, respect, and care towards the other person, even during conflicts or misunderstandings.Shared values and goals: This does not necessarily mean having the same interests or hobbies, but rather sharing core values and future aspirations.

Ideal Love: 

Idealized love, on the other hand, is where you fall for the idea of a person or what they can become. It’s often characterized by an obsession with the other person’s perfection and can lead to unrealistic expectations. As passionately intoxicating as this love may feel, it can easily lead to heartbreak when confronted with the reality of a flawed, human partner. 

“Ideal love often sets unrealistic standards and expectations. Instead of focusing on the real person standing before you, you fixate on a false image of perfection that no person could, or should, live up to.”

Here are some pointers to remember: 

Obsession with perfection: Ideal love often obsesses over the perfect sides of the person, ignoring their real, human flaws.Expectation Vs. Acceptance: In idealized love, you may find yourself living in the realm of ‘should-be’ rather than ‘is,’ preferring expectations over acceptance.Comparison and dissatisfaction: Ideal love can lead you to constant comparison and dissatisfaction when your partner fails to meet your lofty standards.Romanticizing conflict: While real love understands conflict as something to be resolved, ideal love might romanticize it as a symbol of passion.Communicating Real Vs. Ideal Love  

Understanding the difference between real love and ideal love is the first step. The next essential aspect is open and honest communication with your partner about these expectations and perspectives. Recognizing and discussing what you both want from the relationship can pave the way towards mutual understanding and growth. 

Above all, real love is about navigating the vulnerable moments, celebrating jointly, laughing together, supporting each other in trials, and attaining personal and mutual growth. It’s about finding joy in the ordinary, sharing a life filled with compassion, understanding, and, most importantly, affectionate love that sees, accepts, and honors the real you.

Advice on Love and Navigating the Dating Landscape: Online vs. Traditional

When it comes to finding love, there are generally two playing fields you can venture into: online and traditional. Each has its unique sets of experiences and chances, all packaged with both challenges and rewards. It’s essential to know how to navigate both landscapes to ensure a successful pursuit of love. 

Online dating has seen exponential growth in recent years, largely due to its convenience and accessibility. It offers a wide pool of potential matches right at your fingertips. You can communicate without the pressures of immediate responses and have the option to be selective, even before a meetup. Online dating can cater to all types of relationships, whether you’re looking for something short-term, long-term, or simply a lively conversation. 

ProsConsWide array of potential matchesProfile misrepresentation can occurFlexibility in communicationLess personable experienceCaters to all relationship typesRequires careful filtering

On the other hand, traditional dating offers more intimate human interaction. It calls for the old-fashioned meet-cute, an unexpected conversation, or a blind date set up by friends. The joy in traditional dating often lies in its unpredictability and authenticity – every encounter is unique and personal. 

ProsConsMore personal and spontaneous experiencesMight involve more effort and timeBody language and chemistry are more visiblePotential for awkward situationsGreater chance for authentic connectionsLimited options

There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to dating, and you have the freedom to choose the approach that suits your personality and lifestyle. It might very well be that a mix of both what works perfectly for you! Remember, the most crucial part is to be yourself, remain patient, and positive in your pursuit of finding love.

Maintaining Passion and Intimacy Over Time

Keeping the flames of passion and intimacy alive in a relationship can be a beautiful journey, and yet quite challenging. It typically involves growth, shifts, and compromises. Thankfully, with the right strategies, you can maintain the excitement and emotional connection that marked the beginning of your relationship. 

First and foremost, frequent and open communication lies at the heart of enduring passion and intimacy. This doesn’t only pertain to talking about serious matters, but sharing snippets of your daily lives, your individual thoughts, hopes and fears. By being open, you give your partner the chance to understand and know you more deeply, thereby fostering intimacy. 

A fun, creative, and intimate way to share your feelings is through love letters. Dare to express your feelings in words. Despite being considered old-fashioned, love letters have a certain charm that can make your partner feel loved and special. They serve as tangible proof of your affection and feelings for your partner. 

Keeping the Spark Alive 

Another key factor in maintaining passion is to keep fun and spontaneity alive, which is often lost in the daily humdrum of routines. Build a sense of anticipation in your relationship by planning surprise dates and getaways, or introducing new activities you can enjoy together. 

Also, physical intimacy is important in keeping the passion alive. However, this doesn’t always mean sex. It can simply mean holding hands, cuddling in the sofa while watching a movie, giving love pecks or surprise hugs. These small gestures can significantly boost feelings of warmth, love, and intimacy towards your partner. 

Values and Shared Experiences 

More importantly, shared values and experiences can solidify your connection with your partner. Having a common understanding of what’s significant in life can lead to a deeper, more satisfying love. Engage in a hobby, volunteer for a cause, or even try a fitness goal together. This reinforces the feeling of mutual growth and alignment. 

Maintaining passion and intimacy demands continual effort and commitment from both partners. Remember that it’s not just about fanatical love but genuine affection, respect, and bond. Love isn’t just a feeling but also an act of ongoing and intentional growth. With the right efforts, your relationship can stand the test of time, becoming richer and more profound as the years roll by.

Embracing Change and Growth in Love

Love, just like life, is a journey filled with constant growth and change. As you and your partner evolve and mature, your relationship also undergoes transformations. Many women often feel scared or overwhelmed by these changes, but remember, acceptance and adaptation are key to hitting those relationship milestones. 

So, what are these imminent changes you shall face, and how can you gracefully navigate through them? Let’s dive deeper into it. 

1. Change in Life Goals and Aspirations 

Step into the shoes of a mature individual and realize, everyone changes with time. Your goals and aspirations don’t remain the same over five or ten years. The same applies to your partner – their dreams might evolve too. The best way to handle this change is by open communication, understanding each other’s evolving desires, and finding common ground. 

2. Change in Preferences 

You enjoyed salsa during the early stages of your relationship, but now you find solace in watching Netflix with a cozy blanket. That’s completely fine. Tastes change and acknowledging that change is important. Be open about it and gently express it to your partner. The goal is to enjoy activities that bring joy to both of you. 

3. Change in Appearances 

Ah, the one everybody dreads, yet it’s inevitable! Aging is a natural process and it’s important to embrace it. Accept your changing appearance and also that of your partner’s. If there’s a lack of self-love, work on building a positive body-image and self-esteem. Remember, you’re beautiful in your own unique way. 

4. Change in Circumstances 

Life can sometimes get unpredictable throwing jobs, moves or kids your way. During these times, remember to stay a team. Support each other, be flexible, appreciate your partner’s contributions and constantly communicate. Challenges can be a bonding experience when tackled together. 

5. Growth – Personal and Relationship 

Growth is an integral part of love. Personal growth involves developing self-awareness, nurturing your desires, and refining your emotions. Relationship growth, on the other hand, is about strengthening your bond, offering mutual support, and cultivating empathy. True love means celebrating both individual and relationship growth. 

Love isn’t about being static. It’s about growing, evolving, and building something beautiful over time. Change is intimidating, yet liberating. Embrace it with open arms for the betterment of you and your relationship.

Advice on Love: Recognizing Red Flags in Relationships

Even though the journey of love can be rewarding, it’s important to realize that not every relationship will lead you towards happiness and fulfilment. In some situations, you may encounter what are often referred to as ‘red flags’ – early warning signs that something might be awry in your relationship. And while love can blur your vision, it’s critical for your well-being to stay aware and responsive to these signs. 

Red flags are behaviors or patterns that suggest potential problems or conflicts within your relationship. Like an actual flag warning you of danger ahead, these signs, when spotted early, can save you stress and heartache down the line. Let’s dive into some common examples. 

Neglect of your emotional needs: If your partner consistently disregards your feelings, it may well be a red flag. They should demonstrate care for your emotions, even during disagreements.Excessive jealousy or controlling behavior: It’s perfectly natural to feel possessive about the one you love, but there’s a line between reasonable concern and all-consuming jealousy. If your partner is constantly inundating you with accusations, want to dictate who you can see or talk to, or expect to have a say in your personal choices, you might be dealing with a control issue.Inconsistent communication: Communication can be thought of as the lifeblood of a relationship. If your partner doesn’t reply to your messages or calls in a reasonable time, or never seems available to have meaningful, depth-filled conversations, this might indicate a lack of interest or respect.

Remember, love is supposed to feel good. It’s meant to bring happiness and fulfillment, not constant stress or anxiety. If you’re continually feeling uncertain or insecure in your relationship, it’s worth giving those feelings careful consideration. Pay attention to what your intuition is telling you. 

If a relationship constantly brings you down or leaves you feeling exhausted, it might be a sign to rethink whether the relationship is right for you. Remember, being single is better than being in a toxic, draining relationship. You deserved to be loved, cherished and respected in your romantic relationships. 

Identifying and Handling Red Flags 

Acknowledging red flags can be challenging, especially when you’re emotionally invested in a relationship. It’s easy to explain away worrying behaviors, attributing them to stress or temporary circumstances. Regardless, it’s important to trust your instinct when something feels off. Here are ways to identify and navigate red flags: 

Trust your intuition: That sinking feeling in your stomach? Don’t ignore it. It’s your intuition speaking to you. Even if everything appears perfect on the surface, your gut instinct often knows when something’s not right.Communicate: If something bothers you, bring it up. Have an open, honest conversation about your worries. Remember, it’s crucial to truly listen to their side of the story before jumping to conclusions.Evaluate: If the behavior continues, it’s time for an evaluation. Is this something you can tolerate in the long run? Or is it a deal breaker?

Remember: a healthy relationship is a partnership where both parties listen, respect and appreciate each other. Love is about being present, acknowledging flaws, and working towards building a happier, healthier future together.

Overcoming Fear of Rejection

Rejection is an inherent part of the human experience—it’s unavoidable, inevitable. We’ve all been there in one way or another, especially when it comes to love and relationships. Yet, even though we know it’s a universal human experience, rejection can still hurt. It’s normal to fear rejection, but when it stops you from pursuing love or holding on to it, it becomes a problem. Here’s some advice to help you overcome your fear of rejection in romantic relationships. 

Normalize rejection 

The first step in overcoming the fear of rejection is to normalize it. Understand that not everyone will be a good match for you and that’s okay. It’s no reflection on your worth or desirability. Just as you wouldn’t choose everyone you meet as a partner, not everyone will choose you. And that’s entirely normal. 

Acknowledge your fear 

It’s important to identify and acknowledge your fear rather than trying to push it away or ignore it. When you recognize your fear of rejection, you take a big step towards overcoming it. It’s okay to be afraid; what matters is not allowing that fear to control your actions. 

Grow from rejection 

Change your perception of rejection. Think of it as an opportunity to learn and grow. Every rejection provides valuable insights about ourselves and our desires. Use it to introspect, to identify what might have gone wrong, and to build a roadmap for future relationships. 

Practice Comfort Zone Challenges 

Try putting yourself in situations where you might face rejection. It could be as simple as asking a stranger for directions or as personal as expressing your feelings to someone. These “comfort zone challenges” can gradually desensitize you to the fear of rejection. 

Maintain Self- Esteem 

Never measure your self-worth by how someone else reacts to you. You are so much more than a “Yes” or “No”. Establish your self-esteem on your own terms. Deal with criticisms, but don’t internalize them. Remember, you are enough just as you are. 

Overcoming the fear of rejection involves self-love, patience, and practice. No one is immune to rejection and the best way to deal with it is by facing it head-on. Don’t let the fear of the unknown hold you back. Learn to see rejection for what it often is: a redirection towards something better. And always remember, it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Lessons from Failed Relationships: Turn Heartbreaks into Strengths

Failed relationships often feel like an end, but they’re not. Think of them as an opportunity for growth and self-exploration. Each heartbreak offers valuable lessons that can strengthen your understanding of love and relationships. 

Understanding the Heartbreak 

The first step toward turning heartbreak into strength is understanding the heartbreak itself. When a relationship ends, it’s easy to dwell on negative feelings instead of seeking to understand why it didn’t work out. Was it due to a mismatch of life goals? Were there trust issues? Or perhaps, did the spark just die out? Reflecting on these questions can bring clarity and allow you to learn from your experiences. 

Reflect, Don’t Ruminate 

There’s a fine line between reflecting on a past relationship and stewing in regret. Reflecting means critically examining the events and actions, and extracting valuable lessons. It helps in recognizing patterns, identifying what went wrong, and what to avoid in the future. Ruminating, on the other hand, is obsessing over the past, with no intention or consequence of growth. It’s often self-destructive and restrains you from moving forward. Recognize this difference and practice healthy reflection. 

Becoming Resilient 

Failures can be difficult, but they also have the potential to make you resilient. Resilience is not about brushing off your emotions; it’s about confronting them, acknowledging your pain, and still finding the courage to move forward. Consider each ending as a pathway to better beginnings, to more fulfilling relationships ahead. 

The Role of Self-Compassion 

Self-compassion goes a long way in healing from failed relationships. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge that it’s okay not to be okay sometimes. Give yourself the care and patience you would give a friend going through the same experience. Late-night ice cream, sappy movies, long walks, do whatever it takes to be gentle to yourself as you navigate through the pain. 

Transforming Pain into Growth 

Transformative learning occurs when deeply ingrained beliefs or assumptions change. Heartbreak has the power to foster such a transformative learning process. It forces you to challenge your assumptions, beliefs, and narratives about love. It’s an opportunity to rewrite your story, own your narrative, and transform pain into personal power. 

Failed relationships are not about losing love, but about finding love in a new light. They allow you to deeply understand our wants, needs, and priorities, fostering growth both as an individual and as a loving partner.

Wrapping Up Advice on Love

So there you have it – a comprehensive guide filled with advice on love for women. We’ve explored from the preliminary stages of understanding the science of attraction, to learning the art of balancing love and independence. Remember, every relationship is as unique as the people involved in it, and no one size fits all. With the advice provided, you’re equipped to navigate the intricate realm of love, with a sense of confidence and self-awareness. 

Key takeaways to keep in mind: Communication is a cornerstone in every successful relationship; Embrace Change and Growth as they are inevitable and also the evidence of a dynamic and healthy relationship; Recognizing Red Flags early can save you from unnecessary heartbreaks; 

And most importantly, Remember To Love Yourself First. Self-love is a crucial aspect not only for a healthy romantic relationship but also for a healthy personal life. It will be the cornerstone for your self-esteem, resilience, and overall emotional well-being. 

When everything feels too overwhelming, take a step back, and remember this line:

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.”

We hope that these pieces of advice help you make the most of your relationships and lead you towards sustaining a love that’s fulfilling, empathetic, and respectful.  Make sure you revisit this advice whenever you find yourself in uncharted territories. Remember, be patient, be kind, and always choose love.

The post Unveiling the Secrets of Love: Essential Advice on Love for Women appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.

The Alpha Woman Guide to Happy Relationships

For an alpha woman, finding a happy relationship can be one of the biggest challenges of your life. You’re drawn to alpha men because they’re most like you, but then you find yourself in one power struggle after another and the whole thing ends badly.

How does an alpha woman find happy relationships? She does one of two things: she finds beta men to date or learns how to date alpha men.

But there’s a caveat. Studies indicate that while alpha men will date alpha women, they don’t usually marry them.

Still, don’t give up! Today, I have some tips for you on enjoying dating again and finding yourself in a happy relationship! But first, I want to clarify what an alpha woman is. As I’ve been sending some emails about alphas, I’m finding a little bit of a misunderstanding.

Who is the Alpha Woman?

Maybe I should start with what an alpha woman is not. I recently received an email from a woman who proclaims herself an alpha woman because she’s bossy. Bossiness is not a trait of an alpha woman. It’s often a sign of lower confidence – a my way or the highway attitude that denotes someone who can’t handle being wrong.

Alpha Women are Confident

So, of course, the first trait of an alpha woman is that she’s confident. Confident does not equal bossy. Confident means you can handle being wrong and you use those opportunities to learn and improve, not bully someone into submission.

Of course, the thing about confidence is that it not only varies from person to person, but within one person, it can vary from one area of life to another. For example, you can be very confident in your job, but you’ve had a few bad relationships and your dating confidence has dropped.

Confidence is also something you can build back up with effort and patience with yourself.

The Alpha Woman is Ambitious

The alpha woman has goals and she goes after them with gusto! This woman has a plan and she keeps it in front of her every day! She lives a very intentional life that helps her focus on reaching those goals with few distractions.

Alpha Women are Learners

The alpha woman is never happy to stay just as she is. Instead, she’s always trying to learn something new to propel her to new heights or help her achieve a goal. She may focus on learning a new hobby or a new skill for her job. It doesn’t matter. She loves to learn and she’s always learning something!

The Alpha Woman Loves to Encourage Others

You’ll find that the alpha woman is one of the biggest cheerleaders you know, especially when it comes to people she works with or those she cares for.

If you’ve got a big presentation, the alpha will be there, ready to help in any way she can and to give you that boost of confidence you need.

She’s supportive of others and helps keep her friends and coworkers motivated and energized. You want an alpha on your side!

There are several other traits of an alpha woman, and you can find them in my book, The Alpha Female: Who is She? Who Should She Date? How do You Become One?

Are You an Alpha Female Who Can't Find a Happy Relationship?

For alpha women, finding a relationship that isn’t challenging or frustrating can be a real problem. You’re drawn to alpha men, but science tells us that alpha men don’t want to marry alpha women, they only want to date them. Then there’s the beta man, often misunderstood by both alpha men and women, but often a great choice for the alpha woman. Learn more about how you can develop a happy relationship with either type of man by checking out The Alpha Female: Who is She? Who Should She Date? How do You Become One?

Learn More Why Not Try Dating Beta Men?

There is no more misunderstood category of person than the beta man. You may search the internet for articles on the beta man after reading this. I encourage you to read cautiously, especially if the article is written by an alpha man.

Why?

My personal opinion is that alpha men feel threatened by beta men, which is why they use phrases like detrimental to society.

The truth is that the beta man is a wonderful man to date. Let me share a few reasons why.

Beta Men Don’t do Power Struggles

The beta man is fine being second in command in your relationship. In fact, he prefers it. He really doesn’t have any desire to be in charge. It may be that he has a very high-power job at work and wants to relax when he gets home.

Being a beta doesn’t mean he isn’t strong or that he doesn’t have a good job. It just means that when he’s with the woman he adores, he’s fine letting her call the shots.

He’s Comfortable Being Himself

While alpha males tend to preen a lot and thrive on competition, the beta man is fine with himself just as he is.

He’s competitive, like an alpha, but he has a confidence an alpha doesn’t usually possess. He doesn’t need to competite or win to feel better about himself.

The beta man doesn’t have the same need to impress others as an alpha has either. He knows what his uniqueness is and he’s okay with it. He doesn’t need to pretend to be someone he isn’t, just to gain the attention of others.

The Beta Male is Altruistic

The beta man is very comfortable doing something for someone else, just for the sake of helping someone. He requires no accolades or props for doing something good.

Men show their love through their actions, and this is especially true of beta men. If you ask your beta man to do something for you, he’s on it. You don’t need to ask twice.

He’s Detail-Oriented

Wouldn’t you love to date just one guy who caught on to the important stuff? You want the guy who notices your new hair color, cut, or style. You’re looking for someone who notices when you go the extra mile and appreciates it.

The beta man will remember your favorite coffee flavor, how many teaspoons of sugar or honey in your tea, and even which specialty bread you like at the bakery.

He’s More Likely to be a Cuddler

If you’re looking for a guy who enjoys binge-watching Outlander as much as he enjoys an evening out, the beta is your guy.

Alphas need to be out so they can be noticed. Betas are fine going out, but they’re just as likely to want to stay home and snuggle in front of a fire with you.

He’ll do what you want to do.

He Cares About Your Needs in Bed and is Sensitive

What woman wouldn’t want a guy like this?

Of course, the beta man wants to enjoy sex, but his main goal is for you to enjoy the experience. He’s sensitive to your needs both in and out of bed.

If you’ve dated a few alphas or narcissists, this can take some getting used to, but once you do, you’ll appreciate his attention and sensitivity.

What the Beta Man Isn’t

As I mentioned previously, the beta man is misunderstood. Many of the traits you just read, as well as others that betas possess make them seem weak. The truth is that a beta man may be the CEO of a major corporation from nine to five, but from five to nine, he wants someone else to take control.

Some sites will describe beta men as small and scrawny, but I know of one beta man who is 6’4” and very muscular. He works in an emergency room and rehabs vintage cars for a hobby. He’s perfectly fine with his wife being in charge when he’s home. I know another beta who is very athletic and earned upwards of $500K a year. He wishes every day for a woman to be in control in his life.

Other sites describe betas as unattractive, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so who’s to say that a man you find attractive will be attractive to everyone or vice versa? Again, this is someone who truly does not understand the beta.

A final myth I’ll dispel about betas right now is that they have feminine characteristics. They most certainly do not. Neither of the men I described above have any feminine characteristics. Alphas who feel threatened by the beta man’s sensitivity and attention to detail will use these types of phrases to demean the beta.

Just remember that everyone is different. Not all beta men are alike, just like not all alpha men are alike. These generalizations merely help you know which type of man may be best for you.

Speaking of which, let’s take a look at the alpha man.

Alpha Men

Alpha men have good and bad traits. Sometimes one trait can be both, depending on how a particular man uses that trait.

First, let’s examine the positive traits of an alpha man.

He’s a Strong Leader

The alpha man is a strong leader who leads by example. This is one of those traits that can fall into both positive and negative categories, especially as far as relationships with alpha women are concerned.

If you’re willing to give up your leadership role in the relationship, you’ll find your alpha will always steer you in the right direction. This strength makes him a great role model for children, as long as the negatives of this personality trait don’t rear their ugly heads.

The problem with this trait is that an alpha doesn’t see all voices as equal in his relationships. His voice matters. Period.

He Has Emotional Intelligence

Not all alphas have this trait, but many do. Emotional intelligence is knowing what you’re feeling and knowing how to manage those feelings. When a man has high emotional intelligence, it also means he can better manage your emotions, which is something many men cannot do.

Again, though, not all alphas have this trait, so you want to make sure yours does.

He’s Confident

Alphas and betas are both confident types of men. Confidence is a very sexy trait to possess, for both men and women, so you’ll notice this about your guy right away. Of course, confidence can be a negative if he’s overconfident, but really, what comes off as overconfidence is really a lack of confidence, so be aware!

If he’s truly confident, he will make great decisions for your relationship. You can trust this guy!

He’s Growth-Oriented

Many alpha men are focused on personal growth, which means he’ll be interested in his and yours. If you decide you want to go back to college or learn something new, he’ll be right there helping in any way he can.

And Now for Some Problematic Traits

While alphas have many positive traits, a few of which you just read about, they also have some that can cause a relationship to take a turn for the worse.

Alphas are Fiercely Loyal and Protective

Seems like a good trait, right? And it can be for sure, until that protectiveness turns into overprotectiveness. He might consider you to be his property or territory.

Hey, don’t shoot the messenger…anyway, under his protectiveness, you may feel smothered, which quickly becomes a bad thing, especially since you’re an alpha too.

Watch for the fine line between his being protective and controlling. Protective is fine if he’s installing an alarm system to keep you safe while he’s out of town or walking on the street side when you’re out. It’s not okay when he’s got surveillance cameras all over the house and a tracker on your car.

He’s Decisive

How can this be a problem? Decisiveness can be a problem if he believes that either he’s the only one who can make decisions for your relationship or that he thinks his decisions are right and everyone else’s are wrong.

When two alphas are in a relationship and this problem raises itself, your knee-jerk response is to argue with him, but your better tactic is to retreat and let him stew in it for a while.

He heard your objections and statements contrary to his decision and he’s now mulling it over in the calm. If you give him time, he might come to the conclusion that you were right and he can see the wisdom of your opposing thoughts. This doesn’t mean he’ll give in to them, but he might. Your best path may be to gently remind him of your key points when things are going well. This allows him to consider it for a while longer and maybe see your point.

It will be difficult for him to admit he’s wrong, so if he does acquiesce, be sure not to gloat or make a big deal about it. Accept his change in decision and move forward.

He’s Honest

Again, how can this be bad? Well, it’s like the old joke, “Honey do these slacks make my butt look bigger?” The alpha male might not be wise to the idea that a little white lie never hurt anything and he’ll say yes, believing that honesty is the best policy. A smart man knows the answer is no, of course, but nobody said alphas were always smart 😊

What you must understand is that if he says something that comes off as a negative, the truth is that he does want you to look great, if for no other reason than it helps him look great. His honesty is what he considers to be constructive criticism. He’s not trying to hurt your feelings but to help you look better. He just has a poor way of going about it.

So Which Shall it Be?

The truth is that I can’t tell you which type of man to date. All I can do is present you with the two types of men that you’re most likely to come across and help you understand how you can enjoy a happy relationship with either type.

For the beta man, the happiness for him comes when you take control and let him be himself. Guide him in whatever you want him to do.

This doesn’t mean you’re bossy over him, but you have conversations that focus on getting to know what you each want out of your lives together and then you work out a plan for getting there. He will follow your lead, but he will do well if you let him have input as well.

Being in any type of relationship requires you to discuss things of importance, which eventually includes who will control what. Remain honest and open with him and truly listen to what he’s telling you.

Odds are, he’s been waiting for a very long time for a woman who will accept the control he’s willing to surrender.

For the alpha man, you’ll need to resign yourself to giving up control of many, if not all things. You can try to discuss it with him and he might give up some control, but I wouldn’t count on it.

Regardless of which type of man you choose, understand that there is give and take. How much you give and take will depend a lot on which type of man you decide to be with.

Are You an Alpha Female Who Can't Find a Happy Relationship?

For alpha women, finding a relationship that isn’t challenging or frustrating can be a real problem. You’re drawn to alpha men, but science tells us that alpha men don’t want to marry alpha women, they only want to date them. Then there’s the beta man, often misunderstood by both alpha men and women, but often a great choice for the alpha woman. Learn more about how you can develop a happy relationship with either type of man by checking out The Alpha Female: Who is She? Who Should She Date? How do You Become One?

Learn More

The post The Alpha Woman Guide to Happy Relationships appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.

Stages of a Relationship

Everyone who’s happily attached goes through stages of a relationship, but you might mistake those stages as being linear. You find someone with whom you share incredible chemistry, but then who he really is starts to shine through and you enter into a more uncertain stage. Some relationships end here, others don’t.

If you make it through the uncertainty stage (we’ll give them more formal names shortly), you enter into an adjustment phase when the differences between you seem to stand out and you feel like you’re constantly negotiating something.

If you can survive the adjustment stage, you’ll find yourself ready to commit. You’re accepting one another for who you are and willing to hang in there. The next stage is acceptance. You’ve gone through a lot to get where you are, and you feel closer than ever.

The challenge is that you won’t stay in that acceptance stage because you’re both always growing and changing. You’ll cycle through these stages multiple times throughout a long-term relationship, regardless of what Hollywood tries to tell us.

What You’ll Find Here

Stage 1: Early Dating
Stage 2: The Love Hangover
Stage 3: The Adjustment Stage
Stage 4: The Commitment Stage
Stage 5: Best Friends
Final Thoughts

Stages of a Relationship: Stage 1 – Early DatingThis stage is called the infatuation stage, the euphoria stage, the merge stage, and probably a dozen other names, but they all mean the same thing.It’s that first phase of a relationship when you feel the chemistry and you’re drawn to one another so strongly that common sense and reason often fly out the door. During this stage, your emotions are strong, often overriding any rational thinking you might normally do.You feel he’s your perfect match, a guy who’s very similar to you and someone you want to spend all your time with.According to scientific research, during this phase of a relationship, your brain shows decreased activity in the prefrontal cortex, which is the part responsible for the negative judgment of people. This means your brain has just handed you a pair of rose-colored glasses.While this can feel like a bad thing, research also says that couples in the study who stayed together for three or more years had the most decreased activity in this part of their brains. While you each have faults and you see them, they don’t matter enough to cause you to end the relationship. In other words, you look past them.The Dangers of Stage 1While this is all well and good, there are some pitfalls to this chemical reaction your brain is having.Ignoring Red FlagsFirst, you may ignore true red flags. You’re so in love with him that you see the red flags, but you don’t pay attention to them. Some flaws are no big deal and the ability to overlook them is fine, but sometimes there are bigger red flags that you should notice.He may be financially irresponsible, physically or emotionally abusive, controlling, or have any of a host of other negative behaviors. One or both of you explain these poor behaviors away and move forward. Of course, all of those I just listed are not good for a healthy relationship, so ignoring them is leading you down a bad path.To avoid this, ask your friends to meet him and give you their honest assessment. Listen to them because they have one goal – to protect you from yourself. They want you to be happy, so when they tell you something you don’t want to hear, remember that! Take off those rose-colored glasses for a few moments and ask yourself if what they’re seeing is true. Date with your head, not with your heart Giving Up Your Outside LiveAnother problem that can occur in stage one is that you spend more time with this new love instead of on your hobbies and outside friendships. You begin to spend so much time together that your friends finally just give up on you coming to girls’ night ever again.While this seems okay, it’s not. He fell for a woman who was active and engaged with the outside world. He fell for you because you were busy and confident.A guy will enjoy this for a little while, but then he’ll begin to feel smothered. He wants to spend time with his friends, alone, but you’re always there. He can’t catch an evening to himself, and he may begin to feel smothered.A relationship can’t survive with the two of you slobbering all over one another all the time. The two of you need time apart so you can appreciate your time together. He needs to be away from you sometimes in order to be excited to be with you again.Avoid this by maintaining the activities you had before you met him. If you had Yoga on Tuesday nights, keep going. He’ll be okay, I promise. If you and your girlfriends did a girls’ night twice a month, keep going. Keep working on your hobbies and volunteering or doing other things that occupied your time before you met him.Of course, don’t spend every evening doing something. Make time for a date night with him too, but don’t plan to spend every day, from the end of work one day until you wake up to go to work the next together.Not Being Fully Honest with One AnotherI often equate dating, especially early on, as a marketing activity. You’re putting your best foot forward so you can impress this guy. If you met through an online dating site, you put up your best photos, maybe photos that were a year or five old. You only listed your good qualities because who wants to put up the bad ones?But this isn’t really you. We’re all flawed, and we all have baggage. We’re all afraid of being too vulnerable with someone we don’t really know, so we keep those parts of ourselves hidden. Of course, if you feel you’ve hidden your true self for too long, you wage a war with yourself over when is a good time to bring up some of those vulnerabilities and pieces of baggage.So, here’s what you do. Try to be as close to your true self as you can be on your first date. Don’t wear an outfit that doesn’t represent your taste just because you think it makes you look sexier. Wear something you feel comfortable in that doesn’t show off too much of your body but still leaves him appreciating you.Instead of hiding your baggage, unpack it slowly, in little pieces first. Always remember that just because you think something is negative in your life doesn’t mean he will. Baggage is different for everyone. You may have dated a few men who bolted and ran when they found out you have a three-year-old son, but that doesn’t mean the next guy will.Having Unreasonable ExpectationsWhen you have low confidence and self-esteem, you may set unreasonable expectations in the early phase of a relationship. For example, you may seek a commitment from him way before he’s ready to make one. Guys take longer to fall in love In reality, you’re probably scared to death that he might see through you to your pain and vulnerability, so you make sure to dump him first. That’ll teach him for being too perfect!Some women meet a new guy and within a few weeks, they’re reading The Knot and dreaming about wedding dresses. Every time he does something that they feel is a milestone, they add to this vision of a lifetime relationship with him.If you find yourself doing this, it’s time to stop dating for a while. Take a relationship break and work on yourself. If your confidence is low, you’re attracting a type of man you don’t want and who may not be able to commit to you in the way you envision.Confident men don’t date women who lack confidence. They date confident women, so to attract a great man, you must first build your own confidence and self-esteem. I want to change my life! You Have Sex With Him Too Soon

Sex too early in a relationship can kill whatever you have between you. Yes, a guy will ask to have sex, but that doesn’t mean you must say yes.

Have a boundary that says you won’t have sex with a guy until he’s proven himself worthy of you. Of course, if your beliefs say not to have sex until you’re married, let him know that. If he respects you and likes you enough at this stage, he’ll respect your boundaries.

How many dates before we have sex?

Sex and a new relationship | When is the right time?

When you have sex too soon, it is a low-confidence signal. It’s your way of saying you think you can’t keep him if you don’t have sex. That sex is all you have to offer.

This is not true. You are a wonderful woman, whether you see it or not. A good man will respect your boundaries and not try to crash through them.

We slept together. Now what?

How Long Does This First of the Stages of a Relationship Last?

Most believe that this first stage lasts about six months, some estimate it could last up to two years, but I don’t think that’s true. Really, it depends on the two of you. Nobody can predict how long any couple experiences one stage or another.

Your relationship is different from any other because you’re at different stages of your life than other couples. Another factor is how your relationship started, your personality traits, and how long it took you to fall in love.

I have neighbors who began dating during COVID. The man lives next door to me, and his girlfriend lives across the street from me. To add to the situation, his ex-wife lives about five doors down from his girlfriend. They all get along well, thankfully, so it all works.

When the man and his wife were married, they lived in the same school district as his current girlfriend. They knew one another. Their kids went to school together, so when they ended up being neighbors, they weren’t strangers. I would estimate it was about a year after she moved in that they started formally dating.

I don’t honestly know how long they stayed in this stage. They were very quiet about their relationship for quite some time, for obvious reasons. We have a close-knit neighborhood with quite a few busybodies. My point is that for them, this stage may have lasted a shorter period of time because they knew one another already. Some of the secrets were already out.

If you’re in this stage of a relationship, enjoy it. This is the fun stage when you’re learning about one another. Do fun things together. Enjoy getting to know one another. Don’t put the pressure of commitment on yourselves just yet. It’s too soon.

How to Get This Phase Back Later

Remember above, I said you’ll cycle through these stages of a relationship. How can you bring back this phase?

Continue to Show One Another Your Love

Never stop giving compliments or appreciating one another. Keep surprising him with his favorite coffee once in a while. Put a note in his laptop bag to remind him of something special you have planned.

Keep making deposits in the emotional bank every day. Just because you may move out of this phase doesn’t mean you get to stop being nice to one another. In fact, as the challenges of the other phases kick in, it will be even more important to do these things.

Keep a Regular Date Night Routine

Date nights are crucial to happy relationships. I’m convinced of this. They provide you with an opportunity to reconnect after a busy week of other stuff.

They also give you the chance to discuss your relationship and your shared vision for where it’s going. How do you see your relationship advancing? What kinds of things do you want to do together? How do you see this playing out in the future?

Date night also gives you time to just be a couple. If you both have outside responsibilities, like kids, it helps you reconnect as a couple without those outside distractions.

I recommend a technology-free rule for date nights unless you have a job that requires you to be on call or you have kids with a babysitter. But you don’t sit there and read emails, look to see who liked your latest Facebook post or how many new followers you have on Instagram. Save that for later. This is your time to be together.

Spend Time Apart

I mentioned this before. It’s important for you both to have time apart, as well as time together. If you stay glued to one another all the time, it will get old fast and one or both of you will feel smothered.

This time apart allows you to maintain friendships, hobbies, and other activities you were doing before you met him. It also allows you to be apart so you can miss one another, which helps you remember why you’re together in the first place.

Practice Partner-Based Gratitude

There are reasons why you love having him in your life. Share them with him. This doesn’t need to be a daily practice, but you should strive for a few times a week. You can do it in different ways. You could write him a love letter and mail it to him, or you could write it in lipstick or dry-erase marker on the bathroom mirror. I suggested earlier sticking a note in his computer bag or in his lunch.

All of these pieces of appreciation are important and help maintain the bond between you.

Become an Active Listener

Many people think communication is all about how you speak to one another, but one person can’t be heard if the other isn’t listening.

Listening is perhaps more important than speaking because then your partner feels appreciated and heard. Many problems in relationships arise when someone feels unheard. He’s been trying to tell you for weeks that he needs more time to himself, but you just keep scheduling things to do together, ignoring his request.

Listening involves sitting quietly while your partner speaks. Don’t work on what your response will be. Ask questions where they fit. Nod your head to show you’re paying attention. Keep your eyes focused on him, although not to the point of being creepy.

Only after he’s done speaking do you consider what you’ll say. Don’t try to make it something to top his story. Maybe all you say is, “Wow, Gregg! That’s amazing,” or “Gee Joe, I’m so sorry about your dog.” It shows you were paying attention and that what he said mattered.

Don’t Let Your Sex Life Fall Off

The kids are young, and you have a puppy. You just got a promotion and he’s just started his own business. You’re both so exhausted by the end of the day that you just want to drop into bed and fall asleep.

Instead, I encourage you to relight the fire. Buy some new sexy lingerie or his favorite perfume. Find some couples’ games and have some fun. I know your life is exhausting, but sex is a powerful thing in a relationship. When it slows down, it’s a red flag.

Touch alone is a very powerful tool in a loving relationship. Just lying together in bed and caressing one another is a very deep and caring activity.

Do Things Together

There are many ways to do things together. You can do something as basic as preparing a meal together, or you can do something riskier like rock climbing, bungee jumping, and so on. You can also plan a vacation together or even go grocery shopping. Some couples find a hobby to share or they’re able to combine their individual hobbies into one they can do together.

These activities are outside of your regular date nights. They can be planned or impromptu. The point is to do something together.

Communicate

The most effective way to deepen your relationship is to communicate. Ask your partner what he would like out of your relationship at this point. Does he want to experience something with you, or without you? Are there things he’s always wanted to do? Is there something he feels is missing from your relationship?

Relationship failure can often be traced back to poor communication skills for both partners. You don’t really know how to ask for what you want or need, either because you’re afraid to be vulnerable or because you’re afraid of being told no.

If you care for one another, you’ll work hard to make sure you’re both happy and your needs are being met.

Stages of a Relationship: Stage 2 – The Love HangoverThis is a difficult stage for many couples, and some divorces and breakups occur in this second of the five stages of a relationship.The Dangers of Stage 2You Focus on the Differences NowDuring this stage, the rose-colored glasses come off. You finally see the differences between you, instead of just the things that make you great together. It can feel like it’s hitting you hard, like an ugly wake-up call.Those same qualities that he has that you once thought were cute are now just annoying you. Maybe he’s an adventurous type, and that attracted you to him early on, but now it feels like he’s taking too many risks. Perhaps he first came off as generous, but now you feel he’s a spendthrift.You May Engage in Power StrugglesAs these differences come to light, there’s more friction in the relationship. You may experience power struggles and feel dismayed at the differences you’re now observing.Sometimes you feel like you love him and at other times, you feel so irritated that you can’t stand to be around him.You must be careful during this stage not to fall into that my way or the highway mindset. Relationships are about compromise. There’s give and take, and the same person can’t always be the one giving or taking.The conflicts you’re experiencing aren’t about huge issues because you don’t yet have that deep commitment or know that much about one another, but they’re disagreements, nonetheless.Life Becomes Too Stressful – Fight or Flee?If this becomes too stressful for you, your fight-or-flight instincts might kick in, causing you to either engage in arguments or want to flee the relationship. You might want to fight to defend your values or your point of view, which may translate into wanting everything to be your way.Are You in Stage 2?One way to know for sure that you’re in this second stage is that you’re able to sleep easier. You aren’t thinking about him 24/7. You feel more comfortable doing your outside activities and hanging out with your friends now.Another signal is that while one of you is withdrawing from the relationship, seemingly shutting down your heart and pulling away so you can get some space, the other is pursuing harder. The pursuing partner wants more attention because she feels the growing distance. This partner might feel emotionally abandoned by the other partner.How to Survive Stage 2Stage two is certainly survivable, or there wouldn’t be three more stages to follow. The challenge, of course, is to get the person who’s withdrawing to recognize the emotional abandonment their partner is feeling. And for the partner who’s ramped up their pursuit, to recognize that they need to pull back and give their partner some space.Realize You Can’t Change Him – Accept Him Where He IsIt’s also important to recognize that you can’t change him. Just because he isn’t the person you thought he was doesn’t mean you aren’t compatible. If you love someone, you learn to love them where they are, not where you want them to be.James and Kira have been together for a couple of years now, but James just retired from military service and is battling some post-concussion issues. The doctors are saying he may have what they’re now calling a traumatic brain injury. James isn’t the guy he was when he left, and while they communicated during his time away, they were able to avoid many of the pitfalls of Stage 2.Now that they’re together, Kira is frustrated, partly because she doesn’t understand the changes in James, and partly because their differences seem to be coming to light now that he’s back. But Kira realizes that she loves James and is willing to do what it takes to understand what he’s going through, even though it’s difficult at times.Learn How to Fight FairAn unfair fight is one where you yell and carry on without listening or giving the other person a chance to say their peace.When you see a discussion escalating into an argument, it’s time to step back from it. You can say something like, “I think we both need to take a few minutes to calm down so we can talk about this rationally.When you’re emotional, like when you’re angry, it’s very difficult to think logically or rationally. Your mind just can’t do it, so any argument comes from an emotional place, not a rational one. By giving you both time to calm down, you’re allowing for your rational or logical mind to come back into the picture.You’re also more likely to be ready to listen now that you’ve calmed down.During this calming down time, take some deep breaths to send a signal to your system that the danger is over. Alleviate that fight or flight response that kicked in. You may also consider taking a walk or going to the gym to work out. This also releases those fight-or-flight chemicals and allows you to burn off the angry energy.When you come back together, stick to the ONE topic you were arguing about. Don’t bring up something that happened between you six weeks ago. Also, avoid hurling insults and using foul language. Be calm and come prepared to listen as much as, if not more than you speak.Remember, this is NormalWhat you’re going through is normal. It’s a stage of your relationship. It isn’t permanent. Nor is it a sign that there’s nothing between you. Your relationship isn’t ending just because you’re in the middle of a disagreement.Throughout your entire relationship, you will disagree. It’s how you manage those disagreements that make the difference between whether your relationship will survive.Learn the Difference Between Healthy Disagreements and Control IssuesYou can work through any healthy disagreement, but if you find yourself in a constant battle for control, that might not be a relationship worth saving. What to do if your boyfriend is controlling              Is my relationship over? Surviving Stage 2 is all about acceptance and tolerance of the issues that now rise up between you. Neither of you is perfect, nor is one of you always right and the other wrong. If you can learn to compromise, you’ll be more likely to succeed!How Long Does Stage 2 Last?Stage two can last anywhere from a few months to years, depending on the couple. How long it lasts for you depends on a few factors: Your willingness to embrace change Your own childhood history and any attachment issues The quality of the advice you receive How willing you are to compromise and forgiveThis is a stage where selfishness will be your demise.There are, of course, only two possible outcomes from going through Stage 2. Either you break up or you power through.Couples who break up are often serial daters who are always looking for love but finding disappointment. They’re more likely individuals who lack confidence and/or are battling some attachment issues from their childhood.Couples who power through are usually more confident individuals who are able to forgive and survive the pain and frustration this stage can bring. These are individuals who believe that being in a relationship means making sacrifices and compromises for your partner or the relationship.How do You Know When Stage 2 is Over?You’re ending Stage 2 when: You can communicate effectively about difficult topics You’re able to quickly repair the damaging effects of your disagreements You can heal old wounds and restore any broken trust You’re able to share the power, instead of struggling for it You can accept one another for who you are, instead of trying to change one anotherThis stage can feel like it’s just not worth it, that it’s too much work to survive it, but sometimes the harder the struggle, the stronger you are if you make it to the other side!Unlike stage one, this isn’t a stage you want to revisit. If you find yourself arguing over small differences, it’s a kick in the behind to remember to compromise and listen.If you find yourselves returning to this stage over and over, or if you seem to get stuck here, it means you lack the skills to navigate your power struggle and resolve your differences. You need to develop these skills in order to move on successfully past this stage. Stages of a Relationship: Stage 3  – The Adjustment StageIf stage two didn’t kill your relationship, stage three might. Sometimes, this stage is defined by what some call the seven-year itch. This is another stage of challenging moments, which arise as your commitment deepens and you continue to learn about one another.The differences at this stage may have more to do with external factors like family differences, cultural discrepancies, religious beliefs, values, or morals. Those things are all starting to make a difference in how your relationship functions from one day to the next, so they’re rising to the surface.At this stage, you’re at a point of deciding whether these deeper differences are surmountable. Since many of these differences often dictate how you live your life, they can be a big deal. Up until now, you may not be living together or spending a lot of time together, at least not enough for these issues to surface, but you’re getting closer and they matter now.Sometimes, during this phase, you drift apart. Just like in stage two, however, this doesn’t mean the relationship is over. It simply means you need to communicate. What’s driving you apart? Can you resolve the differences or are they too important or too big to overcome?If you’ve learned how to resolve your differences well in stage two, you may find this to be a time of peace. You know how to work through issues and you’re carrying those skills forward to manage the new potential conflicts.During this stage, you realize that you can’t change one another, so you either accept each other for who you are or you split up. You develop mutual respect for one another that overrides the differences and helps you set and maintain your boundaries.The Dangers of Stage 3BoredomYou can lull yourself into boredom during this stage if you aren’t careful. Finding that peace is nice, but if you settle into too much peace, it’s no longer fun and challenging.Grow together and push one another to stretch your comfort zones. These types of activities help you build intimacy and make your relationship stronger.While many people mistake sex for intimacy, intimacy is actually about spending bonding moments together, building memories, and growing deeper in your affection for one another. When things get tough, it may be those memories that draw you back to one another.Unhealthy Relationship HabitsIf you’re experiencing a lot of conflict during this stage, you can develop unhealthy relationship habits, like giving one another the silent treatment after an argument or completely ignoring your problems altogether.Exhaustion and frustration at the constant bickering can weigh on you, making you not even want to try. If you get to this point, you need to have a conversation about whether this relationship has what it takes. You’ve gone through a lot already and you’ve spent a good amount of time together, probably a couple of years at this point, so be careful about giving up too easily.Becoming “I” Instead of “We”It’s easy to feel alone when there’s a growing distance between you. In this stage, you might feel as if you’re alone again, except with someone still sort of there in the periphery. The solution, again, is communication. At this point, it’s the solution to everything.If you haven’t yet developed healthy communication skills, it’s time to do so. Instead of both of you hanging out with mutual friends, you may find yourself spending more time with your friends and less time with him.Even if this relationship doesn’t work out, you need those communication skills for the next time. In that instance, evaluate what went wrong and how you can do your part better the next time.How to Survive Stage 3Again, stage three is survivable or there wouldn’t be four and five. There are things you can do to help yourselves make it through.Stop Avoiding Your ProblemsProblems don’t go away just because you ignore them. Especially when they’re problems between two people. They just get bigger and bigger until they’re too big to ignore, and often by then, they can be insurmountable.When a problem comes up, wait until a time when you’re getting along and then bring it up. Don’t choose another fight to solve this problem. If you sit down when you’re both already calm, it opens you up to logical and rational thought processes instead of emotionally charged yelling matches where nothing is solved.If something is too challenging but you want to work it out, consider couples counseling. An unbiased mediator can often see things you’re missing and is trained to look for cues in the things you say and your actions.Remember to Show Affection Toward One AnotherWhen things are rough, it’s easy to forget to show your partner that you still love them, but it’s also more important than ever.You can have an argument that leaves one or both of you wondering how the other feels. Without any affection, that unknown can really weigh on you and cause more harm.Some people go by a never go to bed angry rule, and it’s a good one to use. That way you can still come together at night and comfort one another, have sex, or just cuddle. Even spending time watching a movie together can be intimate.Be sure to Notice the PositivesIn stage one, it’s all about the positives of the relationship and failing to see the negatives. Stages two and three can focus more on the negatives, so be sure to remember the positives.Be appreciative of the things he does for you. This is how he shows his love for you. Also, try to do things for him. Even small gestures like baking his favorite cookies or cooking his favorite meal can go a long way to showing appreciation.When you feel like all of your focus is on negativity, make a mental shift and work through some positivity instead.How Long Does Stage 3 Last?There’s no predicting how long this stage will last. If you developed good communication and problem-solving skills during stage two, it might not be a contentious stage at all. You may find that peace I mentioned earlier, but remember that peace comes at a price too if you aren’t careful. Stages of a Relationship: Stage 4 – The Commitment StageThe commitment stage isn’t about marriage per se. In fact, you could already be married by this point. The commitment is more about knowing that you’ve overcome your differences and learned how to communicate well enough to solve problems and avoid massive arguments.Commitment is about making a choice every day to be with your partner. You feel like you don’t need one another, but you want one another, for better or worse, as they say.Now, you experience a balance of love, power, fun, belonging, and freedom.You’ve decided that the bad is outweighed by the good. While you have differences, you’ve learned how to live with them or you’ve made conscious choices to change yourselves to accommodate your partner.The Dangers of Stage 4Sex and Intimacy Fade AwayIf you continue to nurture and place importance on your sexual relationship, this won’t happen. Keep things exciting in the bedroom. Share a fantasy or yours or his and act it out. Explore sex toys and games to keep things exciting.Passion doesn’t just happen after stage one. It takes effort to keep that attraction alive. Bring back sexual tension in your relationship Staying Together for the Wrong ReasonsBe objective about why you’re still together. It’s very easy to stay together because of the kids or because it’s easier than starting over.Don’t allow guilt over splitting up outweigh the common sense of ending something that just isn’t working. It’s easy to settle into a routine of complacency, but that’s not engaging, fun, or fair to either of you.Believing That Your Work is DoneNow that the relationship has settled in, it’s easy to think you can coast now.Wrong! A good relationship is one that you’re always working on. You’re always doing things together to build intimacy. You’re challenging one another, maintaining an air of mystery, and you’re doing things together.At the same time, you’re giving one another space and pursuing a few interests of your own outside of the relationship.Just don’t think you’ve reached a point when your relationship doesn’t require any more effort. You never reach that point!Forgetting to Maintain Your Emotional ConnectionAn emotional connection isn’t sex. Emotional connection is, in part, about trusting one another. By now you should have a high level of trust in one another.It’s when you both feel this trust that you feel safe sharing more baggage and vulnerabilities if you haven’t done so yet.If your partner shares something like that with you, be careful with it. Think of it like an egg. You should hold it carefully and give it great consideration. He’s given you something and he temporarily feels as breakable as that eggshell. Don’t belittle him or laugh at what he shares.If he shares something like that with you, it’s a good idea to reciprocate. Show that you trust him with your deep dark secrets too.AffairsThis is the stage where affairs can happen. They’re more likely to occur if you haven’t navigated stages two and three very well. Your intimacy and trust have already fallen off and you don’t feel connected. You may be staying together out of convenience or for the kids.One of you has pulled away and the other is now seeking either sex or the emotional connection you just read about. Women will seek an emotional connection. Men will seek sex.You can avoid this, again, by being good communicators and by recognizing that a good relationship takes work. Understand the natural rhythms your relationship goes through.It ebbs and flows, just like anything else. When it ebbs, that’s when you need to be a little more vigilant, paying attention, showing appreciation, and communicating so both of your needs are met. Stages of a Relationship: Stage 5 – Best FriendsBy now, you’ve gone to hell and back and you’re still together. At this stage, you’re happy together and recognize the struggle you’ve gone through to get here.You’re closer than ever, probably considering one another to be best friends. The closeness you share now feels irreplaceable and your relationship feels like it’s on solid ground.Characteristics of Stage 5You Take on a Big Project TogetherYou may decide to start a business together or to build your dream home. You might share a hobby or be passionate about a cause you give your time and money to.You’re a cohesive unit now and you show that by working together on things. The world now sees you as one, instead of two.Your Communication Skills are ExcellentYou’ve learned how to communicate, and this is part of why your relationship is where it is today. Both of you understand that talking things through before they get out of hand is a much better plan than letting things sit.You may even be one of those couples now who doesn’t always need to communicate. You go into a coffee shop and you just know what he likes. You decide to stop on the way home to pick up dinner and you don’t have to ask him what he wants because you already know.You Rely on One AnotherBecause you’re best friends, you can share the ups and downs of daily life. You get the promotion or you don’t; regardless, the first person you want to tell is your partner. If you don’t get it, he’s there to comfort you. If you do, he’s there waiting to celebrate.You’ve built an unshakable friendship, trust, commitment, and joy in being together.The Dangers of Stage 5Of course, there are pitfalls to any stage, but not as many as there were.You Shift into AutopilotThe worst thing you can do to a relationship is put it on autopilot. Each day looks exactly like the last. You’re cycling through the same twelve meals, getting up and going to bed at the same time. Even sex has become routine.This is not the way to keep your relationship healthy. Routine is easier on your brain for sure, but you want to challenge your brain. Change things up. Try new meals. Watch some sex videos or get some sex fantasy books to read together.Don’t allow each day to be just like the last. Do something to keep things lively and fun.You Live Parallel LivesInstead of being a unit, you drift into being two people who live under the same roof. You’re driving kids to gymnastics and dance class while he’s coaching soccer and baseball. You go to work all day, come home, and throw something in the microwave. He eats on the road between work and practice.You might come together in the evening and fall into bed beside one another, but the distance isn’t inches, it’s a canyon.When conflict arises, instead of using those communication skills, you avoid one another. You’re both busy anyway and you use that business as an excuse to stay away from one another.You can become depressed if this happens, and it’s a prime landscape for an affair or two.You Invest Too Much in Outside LivesBalance is key in your relationship. It’s great to have those outside activities, as long as you aren’t using them to live those parallel lives. You can get so invested in outside activities that you never spend time together, one-on-one.To avoid this, maintain your weekly date night schedule. Be sure to put some sort of rules in place for how much time you’ll each commit to outside activities. You can also do some of them together, which increases your time together.The goal is to continue to nurture the great relationship you’ve spent years building.Stages of a Relationship: Final ThoughtsAs I said in the beginning, these aren’t linear stages, meaning once you get to stage five, you can cycle back to one of the other stages. Ideally, you’ll cycle between five and one, because those are the two stages when you’re the most excited and energized by each other.Your ultimate success relies really on one or two things: Your communication skills Your desire to work through things togetherIf you can look past his flaws and he can look past yours, you can build something great together.A good relationship requires work from day one until the day one of you passes on. As long as you keep putting in the work, you’ll have a very satisfying relationship.

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Signs That a Relationship is Over

You know you’re unhappy and you sense that your partner might be unhappy, but what are the signs that a relationship is over? How can you know?

First, know that highs and lows in any relationship are normal. You aren’t always going to be head-over-heels in love with one another. He has traits that annoy the heck out of you and vice versa. When you’re having a bad day, those traits can be more annoying than usual.

This is how life works. None of us are perfect, so expecting perfection from your partner or your relationship is unreasonable.

Still, if a relationship is in an unrecoverable tailspin, there are indisputable signs to look for. Today, I’d like to share those with you.

In This Article

Emotional Distance
Fighting
Joy
Exhaustion
Justification
Roommates
Trust
Stay Away from Me
No Future
Resentment
Your Goals Don’t Align
Values
Jealousy
Building Walls
Wrap Up

Signs That a Relationship is Over | Emotional Distance

One big clue that things are looking bleak is when you feel a growing distance emotionally. You enjoy fewer moments of fun and spontaneity.

Josh and Kelly had been together for a couple of years when Josh started working through the night instead of during the day. He had his own home business, so he could choose his work hours. Kelly found herself waking up to Josh just going to bed. Not only did this mean they weren’t sleeping together, but their days were flipped. While she was awake, Josh was asleep and vice versa, leaving them little to no time to do things together. Soon, other things began happening, like Josh being condescending and finding reasons to avoid doing things with Kelly. She ended it and never looked back.

Clearly, Josh and Kelly had other issues, but then again, maybe not. Their problems could come from one or both of them having an anxious attachment style or having a significant lack of self-esteem and self-worth.

People create an emotional distance for many reasons. Sometimes, it’s because they don’t believe they deserve the love their partner is giving. Other times, they may begin to feel anxious as the relationship draws closer to a commitment. And there are dozens of other reasons why partners experience emotional distance.

While it’s not unrecoverable, a growing emotional distance is an indicator of a bigger problem, and a professional counselor may be your only option if you want to save the relationship.

You Fight. All. The. Time

Again, no relationship is perfect. You’re going to experience disagreements. Fighting becomes a problem when there are more moments when you’re fighting than there are moments of calm. You may fight about your fights, or you might not be fighting fair.

Fighting fair means you’re allowing both partners to speak and be heard. While he’s speaking, you’re listening. Period. You aren’t yelling back in his face to dispute what he says. That isn’t listening.

My mother always said that your ears don’t work if your mouth is open. Obviously, it’s an analogy, but a good one. You can’t listen clearly if you’re spending your time deciding what to say in response or talking over one another.

Fighting fair also means you don’t dig up old fights. If you’re arguing over him not mowing the lawn for your party tonight, don’t start fighting about the ten previous times he didn’t do something you asked him to do. A fight should be about one topic and only one.

In either case, the problems between you have grown very large. You aren’t really fighting about mowing the lawn. You’re fighting about another disappointment in a long line of disappointments. Your problem isn’t about the minor thing you’re arguing over, but something larger that you might not even be able to identify.

Again, with professional counseling, you may be able to get to the root of your arguments, but when fighting goes this far, it’s one of the signs that a relationship is over for sure.

Signs That a Relationship is Over | You Don’t Share Your Joy

You and your partner should be there for one another in the good and bad. When you get a promotion, he should be at the top of the list of people you want to tell. If he isn’t, why not?

Do you think he won’t care? Does it seem as if he’s more wrapped up in his own stuff than in what’s going on in your life? Of course you want to share this with someone you trust and who is close to you. Someone who will truly share in your elation.

If you don’t see him as that person, things have traveled down a wrong road somewhere. In some relationships, if things have really gone downhill, it might not even occur to you to share it with him, at all. You call your best friend and share it with her and others you’re close to but your partner is left in the dark.

You Find it Exhausting to be Around Him

You might not always want to be around your partner, but those moments shouldn’t be very frequent. If he’s going through something difficult, he may be difficult to be around. The amount of energy you must expend to accommodate his mood is exhausting, but you do it because you love him.

But what if those exhausting moments are too frequent? You feel as if he always needs something from you but when you need something in return, he’s absent.

Part of the problem in Josh and Kelly’s relationship is that Josh is needy. For a while, Kelly could deal with it, but the more emotionally distant he became, the less tolerant she was for his neediness. Then when his father came to visit after losing his wife, Kelly saw what her life looked like twenty years in the future. Josh’s dad was beyond needy.

Neediness is a sign of insecurity in the relationship, but it’s not your fault. It’s something within your partner that tells him he’s not worthy of you or he’s afraid you’ll leave him, so he uses his neediness to try and draw you back. Unless you’re someone who’s unbelievably patient, that level of neediness will likely push you in the opposite direction from what he’s hoping for.

Signs That a Relationship is Over | You Justify Staying for an Outside Reason

I wish I knew how many people I’ve talked to who say they’re staying together for the kids. This is the worst thing you can do for your kids. Most of the emotional trauma children experience in a divorce situation comes before the parents separate.

Kids see dishes flying across the room, fists aimed at one of their beloved parents, and they hear angry words shouted between you, even though you sent them to their rooms.

Once you’re apart and the fighting and flying objects stop, kids are relieved. Children aren’t built to handle the emotions of an adult relationship, but each time you argue in front of them, that’s what you’re asking them to do.

You’re also putting them in the middle of your conflict. “Johnny, tell your dad how much you want him to be around more. Go ahead. Tell him!” Of course, Johnny wants his dad to be around more, but what he doesn’t want is to be a pawn in your game.

Don’t stay together because you share children or a business. The people who must put up with the two of you don’t deserve that. Figure out a way to work through splitting your time spent with your children or find a workaround at the office.

You aren’t doing anyone any favors by staying together.

He’s More of a Roommate than a Partner

There comes a point in a bad relationship where you treat one another with superficial kindness. Maybe you’ve decided to stop arguing and now, you just smile at him and keep moving.

This is where you’ll feel that emotional distance. You don’t feel love toward him any longer, so all there is left to feel is some superficial friendship.

When your relationship is like this, the fighting has stopped because you just don’t care anymore. You’re all fought out and exhausted by the whole thing.

Signs That a Relationship is Over | There’s No Trust

Trust is one of the cornerstones of a good relationship. Without trust, you have nothing. You trust him to be there for you when you need him. He trusts you to do the same. You trust him to come home when he says he will and to do things he says he’ll do. And vice versa.

Then, of course, there’s always the dreaded affair, the ultimate trustbuster.

Regardless of why the trust has eroded, it has and now you feel as if you can’t believe anything he says. It’s an endless stream of unkept promises.

When trust has eroded the relationship, the only way to rebuild it is to seek professional counseling.

Early in a relationship, he earned your trust by showing up for dates on time and doing what he said he would. But once that trust is broken, it’s much harder to build it again. You may think you can learn to trust him again, but those underlying causes will keep rearing their ugly heads.

A professional counselor can help you work through the valid doubts you have about his ability to keep his word.

You Don’t Want to Spend Time Together

It’s Saturday morning and the two of you are assessing what to do with your weekend. He wants to go watch football with his friends, which is something you’ve also enjoyed, but this time, you’d rather be anywhere else.

And this isn’t the first weekend you’ve wanted to have your own plans. You’re finding that you want to do your own thing on most weekends.

COVID forced many couples to spend a lot of time together as we all battled through our own issues of being shut in with nothing to do but the daily crossword and solitaire on our iPads. I haven’t looked at the statistics, but if I had to guess, I’d say some couples flourished while others fell apart.

There is a midway point between too much time together and not enough. Spending every waking moment together isn’t healthy for any relationship, but neither is spending all your free time apart.

But the real question is whether you want to spend time with him. If you just want to go shopping or you’re planning a big event that’s taking up some of your weekend time, that’s not the same thing. You want to spend time with him, but you have other temporary obligations.

It’s all about why you want to be apart from him.

Signs That a Relationship is Over | You Don’t See a Future with Him

In the case of Josh and Kelly, once Kelly saw how Josh’s dad was, she knew she was seeing her future, and it was bleak.

Kelly has never done well with neediness anyway and Josh’s dad reeks of it. She knows that being in a relationship with someone that needy will sap her energy and steal her joy.

You don’t need to see a future with your romantic partner in the beginning. In fact, it’s not a good idea to go there until you’ve committed to date only each other. Entering a new relationship with wedding bells on will scare him away, as it should.

But as your relationship grows and you become exclusive, there should come a point when you do start seeing the two of you together in rocking chairs with grandchildren.

If you can’t see that future, ask yourself why you’re still there. It might be time to recognize that you’re not as compatible as you once thought and go your separate ways.

There is a Growing Resentment Between You

You have all those arguments, and you feel like he sucks every last drop of your energy. You resent him for making you feel this way.

Resentment is like anger. People hold onto it for their own reasons. Sometimes, there’s a payoff for holding onto it. People feel sorry for you, or you use it for leverage in other arguments.

As you’ve already read, this is unhealthy.

Like anger, you can make a choice to let go of resentment. You can’t change the past, so resenting someone for something that’s over and done with doesn’t change a thing, except it keeps you in a negative frame of mind.

Instead, you can learn to forgive things from the past. This is always a better plan forward than hanging onto the past. But it might not be as simple as that to save your relationship. If you’ve held onto anger and resentment for a while, there may be an emotional distance between you that is too great.

Signs That a Relationship is Over | Your Goals Don’t Align

This doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it truly can be.

Of course, when you first meet someone, you aren’t going to share all of your lifelong goals, but over time, you learn about one another, and you start to figure things out.

If your guy has dreams of traveling the world before he’s thirty while you’re still working on your career, it might not be the best time to become an exclusive couple.

One of the biggest goals that I see causing problems is kids. Many young people, especially those who’ve gone through their parents’ divorce, will proclaim that they don’t want kids. Maybe they don’t have confidence in their ability to parent, or they don’t have confidence that they can enjoy a happy relationship.

Whatever the reason, people who want kids and people who don’t shouldn’t get into a relationship with one another. It’s like dog people and cat people trying to decide what type of pet to get. Someone is going to be unhappy.

Before you get into a deeply committed relationship, you should share your most important goals so you know if they align.

On one hand, this might seem shallow to you, but it isn’t. It’s actually very important because it’s through pursuing our goals that we find confidence and satisfaction in our lives.

Nor do Your Values

While a misalignment in goals can sometimes be worked out with a compromise, a difference in values can be tough to overcome.

Suppose you’ve always been a saver. Your parents taught you to save and you’ve done so like a champ. But your boyfriend is a spendthrift who has, at most, ten cents in his savings account. You know, just to keep the account open.

This is a misalignment of values that is probably going to come between you.

Other things that might cause a problem are your values where work, family, and even living a healthy life are concerned.

You don’t need to be aligned on every value, but there should be enough overlap that where there is a misalignment, it isn’t a big deal.

It also depends on how important that value is to you and whether there is a way to appease you both.

A couple with children should be aligned on how to discipline their children, whether to engage them in different activities and even how to manage childcare if you’re both at work.

When you’re first in love, these things can seem like they’re not important, but they can become huge mountains that stand between you if you don’t take the time to address them.

Signs That a Relationship is Over | Jealousy

Jealousy is really a symptom of a bigger problem – low confidence and self-esteem.

When you’re jealous, you’re really saying that you fear your partner will abandon you for someone else. Why?

Because you don’t believe one of two things:  you aren’t good enough for him or you don’t deserve him.

In either case, your self-esteem is low and it’s causing you problems.

Of course, jealousy can come from trust issues as well, but more often than not, it relates to you and your level of confidence and self-esteem.

Confidence plays a role when you don’t feel confident in your ability to either create or maintain a healthy relationship. You’ve had so many failed relationships in the past and this will be just one more. So it’s only a matter of time before he finds someone else.

Often, jealousy rips a couple apart before the person who’s jealous has time to identify and fix the low confidence problem, but once you see it, you can and should fix it before you enter into another relationship.

You may even find that you have a pattern of feeling jealous in relationships. That’s a huge red flag.

Of course, the opposite side of this is being with a guy who’s jealous, in which case, it’s his confidence and self-esteem that are low. You find him driving by when you’re having lunch with your friends. He claims he was in the area, but you know he was checking to see if you’re where you said you’d be.

Or you discover he’s tracking you through your phone or another tracking device.

Regardless of who has the jealousy problem, it’s one of those signs that a relationship is over.

You’re Building Walls, Not Bridges

Sammi and Joe had been together for many years and had a few beautiful children to show for it, but slowly, they were building walls instead of bridges.

Joe was staying at work later and when he did come home, he’d spend hours outside or in the basement, away from Sammi and the kids. After the kids went to bed, and sometimes even before if Joe was in the house, Sammi would go to their bedroom to work instead of spending time in the same space with Joe.

This is building walls. You’re segregating yourselves from one another instead of trying to build bridges or intimacy between you. When you’re building bridges, you’re sharing experiences and developing more intimacy through those experiences. When you’re building walls, you’re putting physical or emotional barriers between you.

Walls can be very difficult to tear down once they’re built. They can lead to arguments and resentment at the most extreme and at the least, emotional distance.

Signs That a Relationship is Over | You Aren’t Having Sex

Physical touch is a very strong bonding agent. When you’re in love, you want to touch your partner and you want to have sex.

Now the exception to this is if you’ve both agreed to abstain from sex until you’re married. That’s not a problem as long as you’re both on the same page.

The problem is for couples who’ve been having sex and then it drops off to nothing or close to it.

You may justify this with things like being too tired or staying at work late to avoid being there when your partner goes to bed. Some parents will use snuggling with a child and then forget to leave before they fall asleep there.

Regardless of how you’re covering it, the lack of sexual intimacy in a relationship is a big sign that a relationship is over.

That’s a Wrap!

There are probably as many signs that a relationship is over as there are couples, but these are the signs that crop up most often.

What you may notice is that in many instances, if you’re both willing to seek counseling, the relationship can be turned around.

It all depends on how much you want the relationship to succeed and whether both of you are willing to seek that counseling. If one of you isn’t, it’s yet another one of the signs.

If you recognize some of these signs in your own relationship, it’s time to evaluate what it is you want for yourself, then communicate that with your partner. It’s very likely that he feels the same things you do are wrong and you can move forward from there.

To date a man, you must understand a man. Men and women do almost everything differently, and sometimes for different motivations. To a man, his financial status indicates how well he can take care of you and your family. It's a source of pride for him to be able to do so, even if you make your own money and can support yourself.

It's how he was raised.

Men also love differently. Many relationships breakup for the simple reason that a man is showing a woman how much he loves her, but he isn't saying the words she longs to hear. He's taking her car to get the oil changed, building the shelves she desires in her office and helping with the outside chores. You're probably missing many of these signs that he loves you.

You gain so much insight into the male mind that you'll be amazed at what you suddenly see and understand in the behavior of all men around you. Not just the man you're in a relationship with, but the men you work with and those in your family.

Read more about the book here or click the buttons to buy it today!

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How to End the Relationship with Style and Grace

Sometimes, you must face the inevitable point when it’s time to end the relationship you’d hoped would be your last.

You went into this relationship thinking he was the one, but then the attraction faded, and lust didn’t turn into love as you’d hoped. After two to three years, you see him for who he really is and it’s not a perfect match after all.

Sometimes, it’s not a lack of attraction or chemistry, but a misalignment of goals, cheating, or simply falling out of love. Regardless of the reason, there’s a right and wrong way to end the relationship and move on in a healthy way.

You owe it to one another, and to yourselves to end the relationship the right way. Before we go there, however, allow me to share a few reasons why a relationship should end.

What You’ll Find Here

Why You Should End the Relationship

How to End the Relationship

Ending the Relationship with Style and Grace

Why You Should End the RelationshipYou Have No Emotional Connection

When you have an emotional connection with your partner, you feel safe sharing your vulnerability with him. You can easily discuss anything, or mostly anything with him because he’s your emotional rock. He will be there to pick up the pieces. He’ll hold you up when you feel like falling down. You both provide strength for each other. 

But if the spark disappears, this connection often goes with it.

The two of you engaged in friendly banter and enjoyed one another’s company, but now, even that feels strained. This is that emotional connection sizzling away. You no longer engage in meaningful conversation about anything. Being alone together just feels hard and is full of empty silence, fidgeting, and finally empty conversation to fill the void.

End the Relationship When You Don’t Feel Sexually Attracted

Sexual attraction can vary in a relationship, depending on what else is going on in your life. It’s natural, but if you find it difficult to come out of a low attraction phase, it might be a sign that things aren’t working anymore, but it’s not definitive.

Think back to when the two of you first had sex. How does that memory make you feel today? If these memories make you smile and have fond memories, all may not be lost. You’re probably still sexually attracted to him but there’s something else going on.

Then again, if you’re just not attracted to him anymore, it’s probably time to end the relationship and move on. When there’s no sexual interest between you, it’s a sign that the relationship is unhealthy and headed toward demise.

Someone Else Holds Your Interest

While you’re with him now, your heart flutters over someone else, or at least the idea of someone else. Maybe it’s a guy you’ve seen and briefly chatted with at the gym, a coworker, or a friend of a friend. Regardless of who it is, it’s not your current partner.

It’s okay to fantasize about other men, as long as it doesn’t steal your attention and affection for your partner. Fantasies become problematic when they invade that relationship space. When you’re in bed with your guy, he should be the one you’re thinking of, so if he isn’t, you know it’s time.

End the Relationship When You’re Being Asked to Change Who You Are

When someone loves you, they love you for who you are right now. He accepts your flaws, and probably even loves you for them. He doesn’t even see the nose you wish you’d had redone years ago. No. I take that back, he sees it and can’t imagine why you’d want to change it.

But when someone berates you into getting into better shape or finding a better job, it’s time to consider whether this is right for you.

Asking someone to use less salt when they cook or to avoid eating the peanuts that will surely send you to the ER is okay. That isn’t changing who you are fundamentally.

But when someone tells you that you’re not good enough for them the way you are, that’s on them. If you want to lose twenty pounds, go for it, but do it because you want to do it to improve your health or burn off stress.

He’s Supportive When Things are Good

Tanya and Brent had been together for several years. They’d recently purchased a house together and seemed to be a great couple. Then, Tanya got a new boss at work and he was a tyrant. On top of his poor managerial skills, he was new to the company and many of the things he railed at Tanya about weren’t correct.

Tanya came home from work stressed to the max. She wanted a hot bath, a margarita, and some candles so she could decompress. She expected that Brent would be her rock.

Instead, Brent sought out someone new. Not two days before, they appeared to everyone to be a happy, loving couple. If they arrived somewhere separately, he followed her home, pumped gas for her, and was there for her, but as soon as the sh*t came down, he sought out a new relationship.

Your guy should be supportive of you when things are good and when they’re bad. If you hit a rough patch in your life, a loving partner wants to help in whatever way he can. If it’s bringing you a new margarita while you cry in the bathtub, so be it. He’s there with a new salted glass full of margarita.

When he’s only there to share the good times but disappears or checks out when things are at a low point, it’s time to consider ending things.

You May Need to End the Relationship When Trust is Broken

I say you may need to end the relationship because it is possible for a couple to overcome a loss of trust, often caused by an affair. The catch is that you must both agree to do some couples therapy to get there. Only a professional can guide you through rebuilding your trust as nobody else can.

Trust is essential to any healthy relationship and when it’s gone, everything else fades away with it. You feel unloved, unsupported, unheard, unnoticed, and many other things.

Trust isn’t just broken with affairs. It’s also broken when promises aren’t kept. He promised to move closer in six months, but nine months have passed, and he isn’t even trying to do what needs to be done so he can make that move.

He promised to attend your big family event but bailed again at the last minute.

Maybe he promised to take you on a big vacation or to move in with you, but delay after delay keeps it from happening.

You can only make and break so many promises before all trust is broken.

End the Relationship When He Wiggles Out of Every One of Your Family Commitments

Your guy doesn’t have to like your sister to attend her birthday party. He’s there for you, not her. He’s there to be your support system and your friend.

If your friends and family question the mere existence of your guy, you may have a problem. Hanging out with one another’s friends and family is part of being in a relationship. It doesn’t matter if his mother always compares you to his other girlfriends, tough it out and be there for him. Of course, in that instance, you have every right to ask him to talk to her, but that’s a different problem.

The point is that when you’re a couple, you suffer through friend and family events for the greater good of your relationship.

The caveat is that this is reciprocal. If you want him to come to your stuff, you need to go to his too.

You Can’t Express Your Needs without Negative Fallout

You should never feel guilty for needing something, nor should you be berated for it or told you’re crazy. Everyone has their moments when, no matter what it is, you have a need to be met.

If we go back to Tanya and Brent for a moment, Tanya needed support. She didn’t want anything from Brent other than for him to be there with another margarita when she needed it, to turn on the hot water again, or to bring in new candles when the old ones burned out. She had a need to feel heard, loved, and supported. Instead, he found someone who wasn’t going through a difficult time in her life.

When you’re there for someone, you’re there. He shouldn’t be telling you how dumb it is for you to want to be there for your mother as she goes through something difficult. He should be there to support you when you find out your childhood dog died.

But sometimes, people are so wrapped up in their own stuff that they can’t see the needs of others. If it’s temporary, fine, but if it’s an ongoing problem, it’s probably time to end the relationship.

End the Relationship if He’s Hiding You

A man who won’t take you to meet his friends and family after a reasonable amount of time together is a man who’s hiding something from you.

When a guy is in love, he wants to show her off to the important people in his life, like his mother, or a favorite sister or friend. He wants his buddies to meet you because he’s proud to have you in his life.

He isn’t afraid to post photos of you together on social media, or even to take them with his phone.

A man who avoids introducing you to important people may be having an affair with you as the extra in his drama. This is a no-win situation for you because even if he eventually leaves that other relationship, you’ll be faced with a natural trust issue. If he did this to someone else with you, what’s to keep him from doing the same to you?

You Aren’t You Around Him

The best thing you can do for any relationship is to be yourself right from the beginning, but most of us aren’t. In my book, The Social Tigress, there’s a chapter on branding yourself and while this may sound harsh, we all do it.

When you’re single and you go out with your girlfriends, you pay very close attention to what you wear, how your hair is styled, and what you do with your makeup. You’re marketing yourself even if you don’t realize it.

If you create an online profile on a dating site or app, you’re marketing yourself.

In these marketing efforts, we all put our best foot forward. Only the best photos of you go on the profile, right? Of course.

But once you meet someone, you need to allow the real you to shine through. Sure, he may have initially been attracted to how you look, but men aren’t so superficial that they only go for looks. That might get him to say “Hello”, but it doesn’t get to eventually saying, “Goodnight.”

The problem comes into play when you can’t be yourself, either because he tries to stifle who you are or because you’ve shown him such a different version of yourself, and stuck to it, that now you can’t be the real you for fear of losing him.

In any case, he isn’t in love with you, he’s in love with the version of you that either he wants or you’re showing him, not the real you.

End the Relationship When You Both Talk About a Hypothetical Better Time Ahead

Your relationship shouldn’t be about waiting for the good times to come. You shouldn’t be waiting for the relationship to get better when some future milestone is hit.

He’ll appreciate me more once I can cook better.

We’ll have a better connection when we live together.

He’ll be more open with his feelings when we’ve been together for another six months.

You’re waiting for him to change, but he is who he is and there isn’t a thing you can do about it. Yes, people can change, but that doesn’t mean they want or intend to.

Instead of waiting for your relationship to be ideal in the future, look at what you have now. Can you live with things the way they are? If he’s not meeting your needs now, that perceived milestone in the future might not change a thing.

Your Goals are Different

A couple who wants to be together for the long haul should have shared goals. Not every goal should be shared, but the big ones are important.

For example, if he wants to travel the world but you want to advance your career, your goals are misaligned in such a way that it won’t work unless you negotiate the timing. You may agree to travel the world with him, but at a slower pace than he had in mind. If he’s agreeable, it might work, but if he wants to take two years off before making his big career move and you don’t, it may be time to end the relationship.

Sharing goals brings more intimacy to your relationship. When you’re doing things together, you’re developing memories and drawing nearer to one another. Intimacy isn’t just about sex, it’s about those shared moments that you’ll always remember.

How to End the Relationship

Now that you know some reasons for ending the relationship, let’s examine how you can end the relationship with style and respect.

Prepare Ahead of Time

Plan what you’ll say before you meet up with your guy. Don’t just decide to wing it. I know it’s a nervous time, but you’ll be less nervous if you practice a bit. Get a friend to help or practice in front of a mirror. Get your speech down and be prepared for his reaction.

Understand at the same time, however, that you cannot control his reaction. Trying to word things in a way that won’t upset him is futile. All you can do is remember to be kind, not to dump all the blame on him, and to be respectful of his need to speak.

End The Relationship Face-to-Face

Of course, it’s more comfortable to send a text or email telling him it’s over, but this is the chicken sh*t way out. Please don’t do this to anyone. He has time and emotions tied to the relationship too, and he deserves for the end to be a one-on-one conversation.

The exception to this rule is if there is physical abuse involved. In that instant, you’re running, not conversing. Otherwise, have enough respect for what the two of you shared to end it in person.

Choose the Right Place

Don’t end your relationship at your place or his but choose somewhere comfortable for both of you. It might be someplace public but somewhat secluded, like a park or a cozy coffee shop.

If you’re worried about him blowing his stack, in public is definitely a good idea, but if you think he’ll be calm about it, give him the courtesy of privacy when you end it.

End the Relationship and Be Respectful

One person is never the only responsible party in a breakup. You both have your roles. So, be respectful of him, and don’t dump this all on him. Own your part too and make sure not to make it a bashing session.

Respect also means being honest. Again, this doesn’t mean reciting every single thing he did to upset you but don’t lie either. Be general.

“Gee Brad, I think we just grew apart.” Or “You know, Jim, I think we just want different things now.”

This way, you’re ending it, but you’re not dumping on him, which would be unfair.

Make it a Clean Break

When you see he’s upset, you might try to mitigate that with some soothers like, “But we can still be friends” or “Let’s just see if time apart helps.”

If you don’t see a future for the two of you, this is unfair. I know you’re trying to make him feel better, but he’s still going to get hurt. It’ll just take longer.

It’s okay to be friends after a breakup but give him time to process the breakup first. Let him find his own way out of the situation and then reach back out, maybe in a few months.

End the Relationship but Avoid Arguing

Since you know this is coming and he probably doesn’t, he may be defensive at first and this can often lead to an argument. He may be angry and want to argue with you out of spite, or he’ll be blindsided and want to argue that you shouldn’t break up.

Either way, once your conversation devolves into an argument, it’s time to go. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose by arguing with him.

You don’t need to be mean about it, but simply tell him you think it’s time for you to go, “Jim, I’d like to leave us on a happy note, so I’m going to leave before we start saying things we’ll regret.”

He may try to continue the argument by phone, text, or email. In that case, block him for a while, at least until his anger subsides. It’s very difficult to have an argument if you’re the only one arguing.

He’ll soon settle down and it’ll end.

Don’t Let Him Talk You Out of It

If he didn’t see it coming and is still in love with you, he may try to talk you into staying. If you have good reasons for leaving, don’t allow this to happen.

You’ll come to the same ending eventually and the hurt will be that much deeper.

It’s a normal reaction for the other person to beg you to stay. He’ll make promises like:

I’ll be better about pitching in around the houseIf I try, I know I can stop belittling you around your friends and familyI know I can be a little cranky, but I’ll work on it, I promise

If he wants to make those changes, great, but let him work on those things by himself. If you did have something before and you aren’t interested in anyone else, he may indeed come to you in a few months a new and better man.

But those types of changes are best done when you’re single.

End the Relationship but Be Empathetic

While breaking up might be a relief to you, he may be deeply saddened. Try not to glory in your happiness while he’s down. If you’re happy, fine, but be empathetic to what he’s feeling at that moment.

It’s never nice to dismiss or ignore someone’s feelings, even if you don’t want to date him anymore. You can soften the blow by reminding him of something good like, “Before I met you, I didn’t even know how to boil pasta. You taught me so much and I’m grateful.”

Final Words on How to End the Relationship with Style and Grace

Even though you’re the one ending it, your body will have a physiological and emotional response. Your mind is addicted to being in love, so it’ll play tricks on you to try to get you back out there faster than you should be.

Give yourself time to grieve the relationship and time to heal. Relationships change who you are. You learn new things, but you may give up some things too, like a hobby you enjoyed or participating in a sport you enjoy.

Sometimes, you even give up friendships in lieu of more time with your boyfriend. It’s time to revive all of those things and rejoin life. Doing so will help you find who you are again, and it will also help you through the grieving process.

I have a book that explains the nine stages of grieving a relationship, whether you initiated the breakup or not. It also helps you prepare yourself for a new relationship. It’s linked just below!

When you end the relationship in a classy way, you have no regrets and you leave your ex-partner with a better chance of moving forward in a healthy way too.

If you're ready to move on from this relationship, you're ready for He's Gone, Now What? This book walks you through the many aspects of dealing with a breakup, even if you're the one who initiated the breakup. Regardless of who started it, as they say, your body becomes addicted to the chemicals associated with being in love. The withdrawal process is as daunting as the withdrawal from cocaine.

You'll also learn about the stages of grieving a relationship and how to begin moving forward. You'll walk through the steps of preparing yourself for dating again and gain an understanding of how you can do so in a healthy, happy relationship.

You can learn more about the book here or you can purchase it by clicking one of the buttons below.

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How to Stop Being Jealous in a Relationship

Some jealousy in a relationship is normal, but when it becomes excessive, it’s time to learn how to stop being jealous in a relationship.

Jealous feelings can range anywhere from a mild feeling of jealousy to total rage and humiliation. There is no limit to how old you can be to experience jealousy, and men and women are both susceptible.

Most of the time, we feel jealous when a relationship is threatened, and that can mean friendships as well as romantic relationships and relationships with our families.

The threat can be real but is sometimes just our imagination and anxiety running amok. Before I provide you with tips on how to stop being jealous in a relationship, let’s uncover why you feel jealous.

Why do You Feel Jealous?

Jealousy is an emotion that you probably wish would just go away, but it’s an emotion that we can work with, and it’s also a signal of underlying problems.

Who Gets More Jealous? Men or Women?

Some believe men get jealous more easily, but both sexes are capable of feeling jealousy at the same level, although men and women are jealous in different ways.

Men fear that their romantic partner will have an affair, so they’re more dialed into jealousy over sexual infidelity.

For women, the fear is of emotional infidelity. They fear their guy will fall in love with someone else.

Traits Behind Jealousy

Many of the reasons behind jealousy have nothing to do with your partner, even though I get that it would be nice to blame this on him.

Your jealous feelings come from one or more of these places:

Low self-esteemAnxiety or emotional instabilityFeeling insecure and possessiveBeing too dependent on your partnerFeeling that you aren’t good enough for himA fear that your partner will leave you or won’t love you enough

These factors are all about your insecurity, not something he is doing.

How to Stop Being Jealous in a RelationshipUnderstand that Some Jealousy is Normal

This isn’t to say that how you react to feeling jealousy is normal, but that the feeling itself is a normal human emotion.

You have the ability to control how you react to your jealous feelings, but how well you respond depends on why you feel jealous and how extreme those feelings are.

How to Stop Being Jealous in a Relationship: Recognize the Anxiety

Many times, jealousy stems from imagining your partner’s future without you in it. You see him smile at a waitress and all of a sudden, your imagination stirs visuals of the two of them together.

Oh my gosh! He loves her?!?!?!?

Anxiety is our mind running ahead of life, creating scenarios for which we have no proof, then convincing you that it’s true.

We get anxious over all sorts of things. One of my favorite examples is from when I was younger. It was the first time I was called for jury duty and I was driving to the courthouse to report. My mind was racing – what if I’m late? What if I’m picked to sit for a terrible crime? What if…what if…what if…

Finally, I realized I was having some anxiety and wasn’t focusing very well on driving, so I stopped my thoughts and began taking deep breaths.

When you’re anxious, your heart rate picks up and your blood pressure increases because your fight or flight mechanism has kicked in. To mitigate the chemicals released during fight or flight, slow your breathing. This is an instant signal to your brain that everything is okay.

Since I was driving, that was about the only tool available to me, other than to tell myself that I was just feeling anxious, and that it was time to stop.

If you recognize that your mind is just running away with you, stop what you’re thinking and bring yourself back to reality. Realize that the truth isn’t what you were just thinking.

Dip Into a Mindful Moment

Mindfulness is about becoming present in the current moment. This is a follow-on to the anxiety tool you just read.

Bring yourself back to the here and now. Don’t ignore the jealous feelings but imagine them as leaves floating down a stream. They float up to you, they hang out for a second or two, then they float away. While you don’t always realize it, feelings do this anyway, but we can hold onto them too long if we fixate on them.

Stuffing them down and not acknowledging them doesn’t work either because they just keep growing, like a balloon you’re blowing up – eventually, something will pop.

Challenge Your Own Negativity

People often believe feelings or emotions just appear out of nowhere, blindsiding you, but this isn’t usually the case.

The things we feel and the emotions we have are more often a result of ongoing thoughts, which usually are based on how we feel about ourselves.

For example, if you don’t believe yourself to be physically attractive, you will feel anxious over any women he comes in contact with and perceive to be prettier than you.

If you don’t believe you’re enough to keep your guy long-term, any woman who approaches might feel threatening.

Instead of believing these thoughts, fact-check them. Has he told you he thinks you’re ugly? I’m going to guess he has not because if he didn’t find you to be attractive, he wouldn’t be with you now. This is your own insecurity, not something he’s told you.

Many of our beliefs are what is called self-limiting. We believe many wrong things about ourselves, but those thoughts can almost always be proven wrong.

How to Stop Being Jealous in a Relationship: Get Real

Sometimes, expectations are too high to be met, ever.

There is no such thing as a perfect person or a perfect relationship. Naturally, your eye wanders when you see a handsome man, just like your boyfriend or husband’s eye may wander.

A wandering eye when you’re out together isn’t a sign that he wants to have an affair, or that he’s having one. Someone simply caught his attention. He didn’t run off to meet her or get her number, he’s holding your hand, enjoying time with you.

This also applies to any past relationships he had that make you feel jealous. That relationship is over. He’s with you now. If he wanted to still be with her, he would be.

None of us are perfect, and everyone requires forgiveness from time to time. It’s important not to hold your guy or your relationship to a standard that can never be met.

Resist Acting on Your Initial Jealous Feelings

In today’s society, we do everything immediately. We never stop to think something through. Someone pulls out in front of us and we honk the horn and start flipping them the bird.

This is reactionary behavior, and it’s not healthy, and yet, many of us behave in this way without realizing it.

Reactionary people often start sentences with he made me. It’s a blame game. Whatever someone else does that causes you to react was their fault, not yours.

The problem with this line of thinking is that you actually have control over your reactions, you just don’t realize it.

Instead of flying off the handle when something happens, use the old count to ten rule- take a breather and count to ten. This allows you enough time to think, instead of just react.

The same is true of jealous feelings. Instead of reacting immediately when the feeling comes along, take some time to consider the truth of the evidence in front of you, if there is any.

If you don’t believe me, put yourself in this situation.

Tomorrow, you have a job interview for the dream job of your life, but your boyfriend just dumped you, out of the blue, and you feel devastated.

How are you going to go into that interview? Crying and sobbing?

Of course not, you’re going to pull yourself together and put both of your good feet forward.

This shows you that you do have control over your emotions when you want to.

The other reason to use restraint is that your negative reaction could do damage to an otherwise healthy relationship.

Work on Your Confidence and Self-Esteem

Many of the problems behind jealousy relate to low confidence and low self-esteem, so the best defense is a great offense.

Actually, most problems in relationships can be linked back to low confidence and self-esteem. If you don’t feel worthy of your partner, or you feel inferior in some way, you’ll always be afraid he’s looking for someone better.

Unfortunately, many people suffer from low confidence and there is not a lot of readily available information on how to build it, but I have an entire area of this website devoted to it, since it’s a relationship site and it’s so important to healthy relationships. You can find it here:

I want to change my life!

How to Stop Being Jealous in a Relationship: Don’t be Afraid to Talk About It

A great relationship is grounded in excellent communication. Being afraid to talk to your partner about something is a low-confidence play. Be sure to pay attention to how you should bring this up and discuss it.

It’s possible he doesn’t even realize that he’s doing something that concerns you. If he loves you, he doesn’t want to hurt you in that way. What you’re perceiving as a threat to your relationship might be perceived by him as no big deal.

Approach the subject when the two of you are in a good place. It’s never to begin a difficult conversation in the middle of an argument or when one or both of you are tired.

Also, use “I” language:

I feel a little threatened when you flirt with Felicia from workI feel as if you’re paying a lot of attention to the new girl in your office

When you state something this way, you’re taking ownership of your feelings and you’re disarming any argument he may have. While he may disagree with your assessment of those situations, it’s hard to disagree with how someone is telling you they feel.

Finally, spend as much time listening as you do talking. A conversation, especially one about a difficult topic, should be equal and fair. If you’re the only one talking, you aren’t allowing him any time to say his piece.

Don’t Compare Yourself to Others

This is another low-confidence/low-self-worth move. Recently, I was out with a friend and a very well-dressed woman caught my eye, not because she was pretty, but because her outfit was entirely too much for where we were.

She was dressed for a funeral and we were at a flea market. So I took another glance from behind and realized that this person was bald. My buddy had seen him too and said, “dude had a beard and mustache.”

So it was a guy dressed in women’s clothing. My immediate thought was good for you pal. Be who you are!

Be you. Your guy fell for you, not some altered version of you, unless you completely misrepresented yourself to him.

If you want to wear tie-dye skirts and Birkenstocks, go for it. If you’re comfy in jeans and t-shirts, wear that. If you want to become a painter, become one. If you want to be a CEO, shoot for the stars.

Just be yourself. Don’t worry about who other people are or what they look like. It isn’t important how much money your sister makes and what size her home is. Just be you.

You’ll find a tremendous level of peace in deciding that the opinions of others don’t matter to you anymore, and you’ll find more time since you’ll spend less time on social media trying to prove yourself.

How to Stop Being Jealous in a Relationship: Use a Journal

Journaling is an excellent tool for uncovering what’s really going on in your mind. If you sit down in a quiet place and let the words flow without judgment and fear, you will discover all kinds of stuff.

I read a story once about a woman who would journal every day. On Sundays, she would go back through her journal and look for recurring themes. Was she sad, depressed, happy? What was going on during those times?

It’s very enlightening and very therapeutic.

Through journaling, you may discover the true source of your jealous feelings.

Stay Off of Social Media

I just eluded to this, but let’s talk a little more about it. When people feel the need to post about their nice new expensive car or home, what makes them think anyone else cares?

We all go along and hit the like button, doing our due diligence, but why should I care, really? I’m sorry to tell you that I don’t care what you ate for dinner or where you got it. I don’t need to see your big new house or your bright shiny new car.

If you’re my friend, I will give you a pat on the back the next time I see you to congratulate you. Sharing that stuff on social media is a way of doing a couple of things:

Proving that you became somethingFeeling better about yourself because you think you became something or did something great

If I’m following you on social media, chances are I’m more interested in where you hiked last weekend so I can check it out. Truth be told, I rarely use social media personally. Professionally, of course, I have accounts, but that’s information I share for you.

Don’t Be Afraid to Seek Professional Help

Some of the roots of jealousy are buried deep and the best thing you can do for yourself and your relationship is to seek professional help.

There’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s something more people should try. It might even be beneficial at some point to seek couple’s counseling so you can learn how to communicate effectively with one another and support one another.

How to Stop Being Jealous in a Relationship – Wrap Up

Healthy jealousy is normal, but when it threatens your relationship or sanity, it’s time to address it. Dig into the roots of your feelings and work on overcoming low confidence and low self-esteem issues.

Don’t be afraid to own what’s going on because that’s the best way to address it.

Be willing to talk to your partner about your feelings and to seek therapy if you feel like you can’t overcome this on your own.

Most of all, know that you’re a beautiful person, and comparing yourself to other women will never amount to anything good.

How's your confidence these days? More specifically, how's your dating confidence? The answer to both is easy. They're probably lower than you'd like. Confidence is sexy. It draws great men like bees to a honey pot. The bonus is that the players also sense your confidence and they steer clear of you. Double bonus!

But how does a woman rebuild her confidence? That's easy! Start with this best-seller, Comfortable in Your Own Shoes. It's the definitive confidence-building book written just for women like you. Women who need to rebuild their confidence after one life event after another have left you feeling a little down. This book will walk you through the easy but methodial steps of regaining your swagger and confidence! Great men will be falling all over themselves to date you. Read more about the book here or click one of the buttons below to buy the book now.

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The post How to Stop Being Jealous in a Relationship appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.

What to do When Your Boyfriend is Controlling

Do you know what to do when your boyfriend is controlling? Are you wondering how you can make this situation better?

People act in a controlling way for several reasons, most of which have nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. For today’s purposes, we’re discussing a boyfriend who is controlling on occasion, but not 100% of the time.

Every relationship dynamic has its nuances. What worked for your parents or his might not work for the two of you. Your friends might have a relationship you just can’t figure out, but it’s working for them.

Recognizing whether your relationship is healthy and needs tweaking or is unhealthy is the goal of today’s post.

What You’ll Find Below

Do You Know if Your Boyfriend is Controlling?

He seems paranoid and insecureHe feels the need to criticize you – all the timeThreats and ultimatums are used to control your behaviorYour boyfriend is controlling you with social isolationThere is no trustYour boyfriend is controlling you when he wants you to feel indebted to himHe’s gaslighting youYour life is miserable when he doesn’t get his wayHe’ll love you – conditionallyHis favorite weapon is passive-aggressive behavior

Your Boyfriend is Controlling – Why is He Acting This Way?

He’s narcissisticHe has high anxietyHis self-esteem is lowHe has difficulty trustingHe has a fear of abandonment

Your Boyfriend is Controlling – Now What?

Do You Know if Your Boyfriend is Controlling?

First, let’s look at whether the behaviors your boyfriend is exhibiting are truly controlling. It’s human nature to want to control your environment, but someone who wants to control everything all the time might have something going on.

He Seems Paranoid and Insecure

The need to be in control is almost always rooted in insecurity. Most often, these insecurities center around:

Physical appearance – yours or hisHis job security or performanceHow do others view the two of youWhether you might be getting the attention of other menIf he’s getting enough respect

These insecurities were around long before you came on the scene, so none of this is your fault. His emotions and self-image are fragile, and those things built up over many years. You may find out he was bullied at home or in school, or he was always told he was worthless, nothing. It’s sad, but it happens.

What Does it Look Like?

If he’s doing any of these things, this might be the problem:

Judgmental of othersJealousy of other men, constantly critiquing themHe tests and questions your loyalty to himHe’s always looking for validationWhile he can dish out the criticism, he can’t take it…at allHe showers you with gifts, to make up for what he perceives to be his failingsHe always imagines he’s being disrespectedWhat Can You Do?

If his insecurity is minimal, like his performance in bed, for example, you can reassure him that he’s doing a great job. Men worry a lot about this, so it’s pretty normal insecurity. He might also feel insecure about his job, especially if he’s bucking for a promotion. Assure him that you love him just as he is, promotion or not.

If he seems to be paranoid, always questioning if you’re cheating on him or if another guy looked at you with too much interest, it’s time to have a heart-to-heart chat. Choose a time when things are going well between you, not a time when tempers are already flaring. Then, sit him down and explain that you aren’t interested in another guy and his paranoia is causing a problem between you. If he can control himself and his emotions, he’ll see the light and try to fix it, but if he denies it or gets angry, this might be the time you say goodbye.

Understand that you can’t fix this. Yes, your words of reassurance might help, but he needs to fix his stuff. Many women try to step in and smother him with reassurance, affection, and appeasing actions, but this won’t work. If he’s acting in the extreme, you need to establish boundaries and stick to them.

It’s not okay for him to put trackers on your phone and car. It’s not normal to allow him to read your texts and emails. If you want him to, that’s one thing, but it’s not something he can demand. It’s okay for you to say no and if he can’t accept no, it’s time to leave.

He Feels the Need to Criticize You – All the Time

It’s fine for someone to say, “I’m not sure that shade of blue is the best color for you, babe,” because it’s once in a while and, odd as it might seem coming from a guy, it’s still harmless.

When the criticisms are constant and are intended to cause you to change your behavior, it’s problematic. When someone criticizes you all the time, the goal isn’t to help you better yourself with a new shade of blue, it’s to make you feel small, dumb, incompetent, and helpless. Chances are he feels that way and he doesn’t want to be with someone who feels better about themselves than he does.

What Does it Look Like?

Again, one comment every now and then is fine, but it’s the constant criticisms that are a problem. They might include:

Criticizing your physical features – you’re fat, you need a nose job, your boobs are too small, that sort of thingHe criticizes the way you pronounce things; we all come from different places and words are pronounced differently, or we learned to pronounce them incorrectly; it’s all good and we learn from hearing others, but his need to constantly correct you is no goodYour cooking is a constant bone of contention; of course, it’s not that he wants to cook, but he always has criticisms for yours – too much salt, too bland, too spicy, it won’t matter what you do, it won’t be good enoughHe forces you to question your decision-making and your intelligence; he’s doing it to himself too so why not make you feel bad as wellYou can’t do anything right, ever

These types of criticisms are meant to pull your power away from you, but I encourage you not to give anyone power over you and how you feel about yourself. This is all on him.

What Can You Do?

There’s no way everything you do is wrong; don’t allow someone to make you think that about yourself.

When I coach women who’ve experienced a breakup, I know she needs confidence building, and this is why. Breakups bring out the worst in people; often one partner tries to make the other feel small, dumb, and incompetent. Never allow someone to have that kind of power in your life.

Don’t rationalize his bad behavior. There’s no rational explanation for it other than his insecurities. Don’t explain it away or think he’s right. Sure, you might not pronounce a word properly, but who cares? It doesn’t change who you are.

While he might say he’s trying to help you be a better person, it’s a lie. If he were truly being a loving partner, he would provide constructive criticism like, “While I love this dress on you, I think the emerald green one really brings out the color of your eyes. You should wear that one more often!”

“Don’t you ever wear that ugly red dress again. It makes you look fat!” This statement is not helpful or constructive. It’s mean and controlling.

Having an open discussion might help. The best time to discuss something difficult is when you’re both happy and things are going well. Explain that you can’t constantly change every small thing about yourself, and you feel that’s what he’s asking you to do. This discussion will probably contain a breakup discussion, so be prepared to raise that possibility.

Know that you aren’t the one who needs to change. While he might be telling you how inadequate you are, these are his feelings about himself. If you can’t do anything right as far as he’s concerned, you’re not the girl for him. Period.

He Uses Threats and Ultimatums to Control Your Behavior

You don’t need to be threatened or manipulated. Nobody does, but a controller may use threats and ultimatums to try to control you.

What Does it Look Like?

Often, the threats center around him breaking up with you if you don’t do something his way:

If you don’t stop hanging out with your work friends, I’ll break up with youIf you don’t agree to marry me, I’ll kill myself – it’s extreme, but I know of someone who got married for just this reasonYou need to go out with me Saturday night or I’ll post crap about you on social mediaIf you don’t make my dinner on time, I won’t take you to work tomorrow

Some of these sound utterly ridiculous but notice that they’re all ways in which he might feel out of control of a situation. When you’re with your friends, he can’t control you because you aren’t there. If you don’t marry him, how can he keep controlling you? He doesn’t want to lose another relationship.

He wants you to go out with him so you aren’t going out with someone else. If you’re making dinner on time, he knows where you are and what you’re doing. It goes on and on.

What Can You Do?

Dealing with threats and ultimatums can be scary, depending on the thread or ultimatum being issued. Someone threatening your life should be extricated from your life immediately. For some of these other threats, there are things you can try.

First, don’t give in. If you want to hang with your friends from work, do it, and if he breaks up with you over it, see ya later pal. You might think that agreeing with him or giving in will make him stop, but he’ll just find something else since the first time worked well for him. All you’re doing is giving up power. Nothing more.

Next, and this is a hard one to read I know, understand that someone who’s issuing threats and ultimatums doesn’t love you. If he did love you, he would turn himself inside out to show his love for you. These behaviors aren’t loving. Not even a little bit.

Lastly, get out of the relationship. This isn’t a fixable situation. Find a friend, a family member, or, an authority figure who can help you safely remove yourself from this relationship. You deserve someone who truly loves you for the wonderful person you are.

Your Boyfriend is Controlling You with Social Isolation

This is a classic control move. It’s little things at first, and it seems sweet. He’ll say, “Gee Babe, I’d really appreciate it if you’d cancel your plans with Sarah and spend the evening with me.”

The next thing you know, you never have plans with any of your friends or family. He either lies to you about them to make you believe they don’t want to hang with you, or he makes sure you can’t hang out with them.

This is done to avoid other people knowing how controlling he either is now or plans to be. He doesn’t want someone telling you that he’s wrong. He wants you to hear his voice and only his. That way, he can control every single aspect of your life.

Many controllers will also keep you from working an outside job, going to church, or participating in any sort of social group. He doesn’t want anyone to see the vacant look that you have, indicating how much of you he’s already sucked away.

What Does it Look Like?

At first, he’ll just complain about how much time you’re spending away from him. Then, if that doesn’t work, he’ll move on to criticizing your friends and family members. His goal is to get you to distrust the people you should trust the most and those you’ll lean on as he gets worse.

Then, he’ll make you feel guilty if you speak to those people and may even exact punishment. He doesn’t want others to see how he’s treating you. He wants full control.

Finally, he’ll threaten to either physically hurt you or leave you if you continue to contact the people he’s deemed unacceptable. He hopes that he’s made you rely on him enough that the thread of living without him will scare you into submission.

What Can You Do?

Don’t believe what he says about your friends and family. He might say your sister doesn’t want to talk to you anymore, but that’s a lie to distance you from her.

Your only real option, aside from not believing his lies, is to leave the relationship. If he’s trying to distance yourself from the people most important to you, he doesn’t have any great plans for your life together other than for him to demand and for you to obey. Do you want to lose all the important people in your life to live with one controlling individual? No, of course not.

There is no Trust

Trust is at the root of a great relationship. It’s something you earn and then strive to keep between you. While it’s normal not to fully trust someone you just met, you should allow a partner to earn your trust and vice versa.

What happens with a controller, however, is that he can’t trust you or anyone else. If you say you’re going to have ice cream with your bestie and you see him drive by, he doesn’t trust you. Wanting your passwords to your phone and email is another sign of distrust.

The thing is you probably haven’t done anything for him to distrust you. These are his insecurities, not your actions that are driving his behavior. He knows he’s not good enough for a great woman like you. His confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem are very low, and he knows you can do better.

What Does it Look Like?

You say you’re out with your friends for a girls’ night and he calls, constantly, to check up on you. Or, he might have a friend of his happen to show up where you’re supposed to be.

He might drive by to see if you’re where you said you would be or put tracking devices or apps on your car and phone.

You might catch him eavesdropping on your phone conversations or standing over you while you text or compose emails. You may even notice cameras hidden around your home as a way for him to watch you.

What Can You Do?

While you might be able to have a conversation about this with him and get him to stop. It depends on the level of behavior he’s exhibiting.

Again, have this conversation when things are happy and good between you. Explain to him that he’s making you uncomfortable by constantly spying on you and asking him what you’ve done to make him distrust you.

If this isn’t happening often or if this is the only thing he’s doing, he might not even realize the impact it’s having. He gets anxious because he can’t see you. His insecurity about himself tells him you’re out there and other men can see how great you are. In his mind, he’s about to lose you.

He needs to work on things, but pointing out to him that every time he’s checked up on you, you were where you said you’d be might help him realize he’s distrusting you for no reason.

Also, don’t lie to him about where you are going. That just confirms what he believes. Don’t lie about who you’re going with either. If you’re going out with three of your friends, say so. Don’t say, “I’m going out with Meg” if you’re going out with Meg, Sarah, and Elle. If he’s looking for a reason to distrust you, he’ll see that as a lie.

Your Boyfriend is Controlling When He Wants You to Feel Indebted to Him

A relationship doesn’t involve currency. What I mean by that is that he can’t buy you flowers and expect sex in return. Just because he bought you new earrings doesn’t mean he gets to tell you what to do.

What Does it Look Like?

Currency in a relationship comes in all shapes and sizes. Usually, however, in a controlling situation, it involves him buying you something that’s either just what you’ve been wanting or uber extravagant.

Now, in his mind, you owe him something in return. This is a nifty way to make someone dependent on you. You won’t feel you can get out of the relationship because you feel too guilty. Look at all the stuff he’s gotten for you or the things he’s done for you.

Poppycock! Those are all control maneuvers meant to make you feel exactly that way!

Things you never owe another person include sex, time, and the ability to express your opinion without fear of retribution.

You control who, when, and where you have sex with him or anyone else. Always. There is never a time when you owe someone sex. Read that statement a few times so it sinks in.

Time is a precious commodity, and in a relationship, you should make time for one another, but not at the expense of your life outside the relationship. Don’t give up your relationships with friends, family, or coworkers in lieu of time with him. You both need to maintain outside relationships to be healthy together.

Finally, you have and are entitled to your own opinion, and you should be able to express it, as long as you’re being calm and reasonable, without fear of being harmed.

What Can You Do?

There isn’t a way to fix this. He’s attempting to take away your freedom and that’s not something you should ever give away to anyone.

He’s Gaslighting You

This term comes from a 1944 movie called Gaslight where a man tries to make his wife think she’s going insane so he can steal her fortune.

People do it today and it can really be harmful.

What Does it Look Like?

You won’t see gaslighting coming. Some, but not all who use this tactic are true narcissists and professionals at manipulating people to get their way.

An example of gaslighting might be if your partner agrees to meet you after work at a local hangout. You show up and wait, but he never shows. You call and text and he finally tells you that he never agreed to meet you. You know you made a date, but he’s making you second-guess yourself.

Another example is name-calling. It sounds basic, but this gets you to believe something about yourself that isn’t true. He might call you manic-depressive or crazy because you got a little moody. Since when did he get a license to diagnose?

He might question your decisions, and make you question them as well. Of course, he’ll shoot down any explanations you come up with, so don’t waste your time.

Anything a gaslighter does is meant to get you to question yourself and alter your perception of reality. In the movie, the man dims the lights, but when the woman asks if the lights just dimmed, he says no, making her believe she’s losing her mind.

What Can You Do?

Gaslighting is emotional abuse. Your only true recourse, once you realize what’s happening, is to end the relationship.

This is not a person who is invested in a relationship with you because he loves you. These aren’t loving behaviors.

Once you recognize that someone is doing this to you, and it’s probably been going on for months or even years, you stop sharing your thoughts and feelings with him. Disengage and work on getting out. He’ll continue to try and make you feel like you’re wrong and you’re crazy, but you aren’t. Sanity is beginning to emerge again for you and you’re seeing very clearly now.

He Makes Your Life Miserable when He Doesn’t Get His Way

If you stand up to a boyfriend who is controlling and go out with your girlfriends after he told you not to, expect the silent treatment or worse.

How dare you stand up to him! What on earth were you thinking?

What Does it Look Like?

It looks just like that. You did something that didn’t fit into his model for your life and he’s pouting. Other ways this might show up include:

Him flirting with other women if you don’t wear what he told you to on a dateBlaming you because he didn’t get the promotion he wantedAny form of physical abuse for something he claims you did wrongWhat Can You Do?

This is not a sign of a healthy and happy relationship. You can try to discuss his behavior with him by telling him that his revengeful behavior hurts you and your relationship. If this is the only thing he’s doing or if he’s just starting this behavior, he might recognize his bad behavior and try to stop.

More likely, he’ll refuse to discuss this with you because deep down, he knows he’s wrong. He’ll never admit it and therefore you won’t make any headway in having a discussion.

Your Boyfriend is Controlling When He’ll Love You – Conditionally

If a guy loves you, he loves you for who you are today and who he thinks you have the potential to become. Sometimes, when you meet someone, you can see they’re working toward something, and you can see their potential. That ambition can be sexy and attractive.

If a guy only loves you if you lose weight or if you stop going out with that one friend of yours, he doesn’t truly love you to begin with.

What Does it Look Like?My friends would probably like you more if you were smarterI’d love you more if you’d stop wearing your hair that wayI love you so much when you wear that skirtIf you took better care of yourself, you might be attractive

This way of trying to mold you into someone else is mean and abusive. Sure, he’s not physically hurting you, but emotional scars last longer. Someone saying this to you all the time makes it sink into your subconscious and you begin to say it to yourself.

What Can You Do?

When he says something like that to you, call him out on it. Make sure he knows that saying those things is hurtful. Be careful how you word things, though, or he’ll just have room to argue with you.

If you say, “I don’t like it when you call me fat”, he’ll just say that he doesn’t call you fat. Of course, he’s using other types of statements to call you fat, but that’s beside the point.

Instead, say, “Josh, when you tell me I look fat, it makes me feel really bad.” It’s harder to argue with a statement when you say it’s your feelings. He can’t tell you how you feel. Oh, he might try to, but it’s harder.

Hurtful statements like those aren’t loving and they aren’t meant to be. This is a direct attempt to make you feel as small and worthless as he does.

Your best option is usually to end the relationship. If you’re just there to help him feel a little bigger by making you feel small, you can do better! You deserve better!

His Favorite Weapon is Passive Aggressive Behavior

Ahh, an oldie but a goodie, passive-aggressive behavior is yet another way to control someone.

What Does it Look Like?

“This is my girlfriend, Stacy. She talks like a hillbilly but she’s a great gal. Heh heh heh.” Okay, so he just introduced you to his friends and injected a criticism disguised as a cute little joke. That’s passive-aggressive.

“Boy you sure can cook,” said right after you accidentally burned the rice with dinner. Sarcasm is another form of passive-aggressive behavior.

If something is followed by, “Hey, I’m just kidding,” know that he isn’t. It’s a criticism disguised as what he thought was a joke.

While this doesn’t seem to be a controlling behavior, what he’s doing is trying to make you feel badly about yourself, just like he does. He’s trying to control your self-esteem and self-worth and that’s the worst way to control someone.

What Can You Do?

This is another instance where you might be able to call him out on his behavior. “Hey Jim, when you introduced me to your friends and then said I talk like a hillbilly, I felt really embarrassed.” Again, by telling him how you felt, and not using an accusing tone, you change his ability to reply in a snide or hurtful way.

He wasn’t kidding and you both know it, as do his friends, who also probably felt embarrassed. He may come back and tell you to lighten up or learn to take a joke but keep pointing out to him how hurtful his comments are.

If he refuses to stop, he doesn’t respect or love you and it’s time to end things.

Your Boyfriend is Controlling | Why is He Acting This Way?He’s Narcissistic

Narcissism is not a choice people make but an actual psychological diagnosis. NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder affects many people and hinders their ability to have healthy relationships.

Many narcissists carry a higher-than-average opinion of themselves. They believe they’re more important than everyone else, more powerful, more intelligent, more capable, and so on. To make sure you believe it, they’ll exaggerate their accomplishments and abilities.

This type of person needs to make sure you know how special and unique he is, compared to other men. Of course, since he’s so special and unique, there’s no way you can understand him. He’s too far above you and everyone else for that to happen.

He needs lots of praise and positive attention, to be sure you know how important and special he is. He feels that he deserves special treatment. For example, if you go to a restaurant, he might feel he should always get the best table.

His need for personal gain outweighs everything else, so he takes advantage of people and situations to make sure they benefit him. His goals are the only important goals. He might use tactics like telling lies about someone to make sure they don’t get what he wants, or he may treat someone very badly.

Unable to see your needs or connect with you on an emotional level, he’ll come off as lacking compassion or selfish. He also envisions himself in competition with, well, everyone. He imagines that people envy him for all his great traits and that they’re jealous of him.

Most of those are signs of what professionals call overt narcissism. Covert narcissism is a little harder to detect. Those behaviors include:

AnxietyInsecurityBeing overly sensitive, unable to handle criticismFeeling defensiveActing withdrawn or depressedHe Has High Anxiety

Anxiety is a symptom of many other disorders, but it’s at the root of controlling behavior. There is a strong need to control their surroundings and maintain some sense of order, however harmful and ineffective their efforts truly are.

Many people experience anxiety every day and there are varying degrees and abilities to cope with it. When hurricane Ian came through Florida, I had a lot of anxiety about being able to get there and check on my mom. I managed my anxiety easily and was able to get down there to help her without issues. That’s normal anxiety. You don’t know what you’re facing, and your mind plays out scenarios.

Often, when we’re otherwise healthy, we recognize what’s happening and put a stop to it.

Still, for some, anxiety is crippling and can force them into undesirable behaviors, like being a controlling boyfriend.

He Has Low Self-Esteem

When your self-esteem is low, you don’t think good thoughts about yourself. You don’t value yourself or even like yourself.

If your boyfriend has low self-esteem, he thinks very little of himself. He believes he’s not worthy of you and is in constant fear that two things will happen.

First, you’ll figure out what a schmuck he is, and second, you’ll leave him because he’s a loser. That fear or insecurity drives him to try extra hard to keep you from discovering he’s the person he believes himself to be and leaving him.

His low self-esteem also makes him sensitive to what he might perceive as attacks. You might say something you don’t think of as mean or harmful, but due to his low self-esteem, he takes it that way. The problem is that he already thinks those things about himself, but hearing someone else verbalize them brings his insecurities to life and confirms his beliefs about himself.

He Has Difficulty Trusting

If your boyfriend is controlling, he probably has difficulty trusting people. Someone in his past broke his trust in all people so much that he finds it difficult to trust anyone now.

It doesn’t matter what you think you’ve done to earn his trust; he can’t give it so it’s never enough.

Trust issues usually stem from something that happened in childhood, although not always. Someone close to him broke his trust and did a good job of it. His trust was shattered to the point where he decided nobody can be trusted, regardless of what they said or did.

This is something he can work on and overcome, with professional guidance, but it’s not something you can fix.

He Has a Fear of Abandonment

Imagine you’re a young child and someone very important to you leaves, either by death or physical separation. A mother dies, a father leaves the home never to be seen again, or something similar.

This creates a fear that everyone important to you leaves and never comes back. It’s not logical, but your young mind can’t yet figure out the logic behind death or separation.

You grow up and your grandparents die. Your dog runs away and never returns. A favorite teacher doesn’t return the following year. These things all shore up your belief that people leave and never come back.

If your boyfriend is controlling, this might be part of the issue. He lost one or more important people or even animals in his life and he’s developed a fear of abandonment. This displays in the same way low self-esteem does. He lives in constant fear that you’ll leave, just like everyone else in his past.

Again, this is something he can work on and overcome, with professional guidance. And again, it’s not something you can fix.

Your Boyfriend is Controlling | Now What?

The bottom line is that if your boyfriend is controlling, he needs to take a relationship break and work on himself if he’s willing. Some people are and some aren’t. Some controlling individuals grew up in a similar environment to the one they’ve created, and they don’t see their own failings.

Either way, it’s time for you to exit the situation. In many instances, if he does some work with a professional counselor, he can overcome the issues. But this is like alcoholism. He must first be able to see that he has a problem that requires help.

More people than you can imagine grow up believing that mental problems are poppycock and don’t exist, therefore you’ll never get them to seek help. Other people can see that they have an issue if you bring it up during a time when you’re getting along, and things are good.

As you learned above, how you approach a conversation is mostly about the words you use. Discuss how his behavior makes you feel without using accusatory language.

“Bob, it makes me feel angry when you call me names” instead of, “Stop calling me names! It’s mean and rude.” It’s hard for someone to argue with how you feel, but he for sure can argue with whether he thinks he was mean and rude.

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Codependency in a Relationship | What is It and How to Change

Codependency in a relationship is an unhealthy relationship dynamic and a phrase first coined in articles that discussed substance abuse. In those relationships, one partner’s addiction often controlled the dynamic, creating a lopsided situation.

Outside of the substance abuse definition, codependency refers most often to a relationship in which one partner sacrifices his or her needs for the sake of the other. This partner is most often giving, while the other partner usually takes. Codependent relationships aren’t all romantic and can occur between friends or family members as well.

Codependency is often defined as manipulative, compulsive behaviors that are characterized by poor boundaries, a lack of self-esteem, and obsessive control. Some say it’s an addiction to a person and it’s sometimes called relationship addiction.

Many believe it’s a learned behavior, passed down through a family full of codependent relationships. The behavior is learned as a way to survive in a family with a lot of emotional turbulence. It’s not a genetic trait.

What You’ll Find in The Article

What Exactly is Codependency in a Relationship?

What Causes Codependency?

How do You Know if You’re in a Codependent Relationship?

How to Change the Codependent Relationship Dynamic

Codependency in a Relationship Doesn’t Need to Be Permanent

What Exactly is Codependency in a Relationship?

In a healthy relationship, both partners support one another and while there may be times when things are lopsided, they return to a balanced state once the crisis is over. Examples of this include experiencing a job loss, the loss of a loved one, or health issues. In those cases, one partner will put forth the extra effort to support the other, but there may be another time when the roles are reversed.

People in healthy relationships don’t keep score of who did what for whom. There’s no, “I stayed home with the kids while you went out with your friends last week. You owe me.”

Codependency in a relationship occurs when one partner is the constant caregiver.

Jack and Kate are in a codependent relationship. Kate is almost always the one working to support herself and her husband. She did this for many years while he made various attempts to find a career, always failing. Now retired and in their seventies, their relationship continues to be lopsided.

Kate did everything for Jack until Kate became ill with cancer. She was hospitalized and required emergency surgery, but Jack remained at home, unrealistically afraid of getting sick if he went to the hospital to be with her. When Kate returned home a few days after surgery, Jack still expected her to fill her role as his caregiver, barely helping her recover.

In relationships where substance abuse is a problem, the caregiver partner will make excuses for the other, calling them in sick at work, providing them a place to live, or even giving them money to support their addiction.

What Causes Codependency?

There is no recipe for codependency, although some people who enter codependent relationships often have a history of codependency or a dysfunctional relationship in their past. Sometimes childhood trauma leads to anxiety and insecurity about relationships.

Codependency in a relationship sometimes occurs when one partner who feels a need to rescue someone finds someone who feels they need to be rescued.

Mike and Joanne met online and then dated offline for some time. Joanne had a difficult childhood which included sexual abuse by a family member. As an adult, Joanne is divorced and has a son with Autism. Mike’s childhood wasn’t as tragic, however, he was raised in a relationship where his mother was very overbearing and tyrannical. To top it off, he wasn’t her favorite child. That crown went to his older brother, whom Mike felt could do no wrong.

So, when Mike met Joanne, it was kismet. Every woman from his past, from high school into his thirties, needed to be rescued. Of course, every relationship failed, but he wasn’t making that connection.

A year or so into their relationship, Mike proposed. Another year passed and Mike and Joanne were still engaged but living together in a home Mike could barely afford, but that Joanne wanted because she had never owned a home before. After a few months, Mike began having doubts about the marriage, so Joanne threatened suicide and Mike acquiesced.

Still married several years later, the couple is as unhappy as they were before they married, neither willing to admit that their relationship dynamic is unhealthy.

How do You Know if You’re in a Codependent Relationship?

As you read previously, codependent relationships occur not just in romantic relationships but in any relationship. Your relationship with your BFF could be codependent. The relationship your mother has with you or one of your siblings could be codependent. How do you know? What are the signs of codependency in a relationship?

You Want to Rescue Them

It’s healthy to want to help someone when they’re suffering. It’s human nature to form bonds and care for others. But this need to rescue is excessive and there is an underlying fear that if you don’t rescue them, something terrible will happen.

Beth has rescued her children since they were young children. Now, even though they’ve got kids of their own, Beth still rescues her sons, especially Matt, who comes every night for dinner. Matt has an unhealthy codependent relationship with his mother. They talk every morning promptly at 9:00 and if he calls a minute late, she’s in a panic. Her happiness or lack thereof sometimes depends on whether he’s having a difficult day. Every evening, he comes for dinner, reciting every minute detail of his day back to her as if checking in. The minute something seems to be going wrong, Beth is there to rescue Matt. Matt’s older sister wonders what will happen to Matt when their mother dies because she has no plans to continue in her mother’s place.

One Partner Enables the Other’s Behaviors

As in the case of Jack and Kate above, one partner is often hard-working and responsible while the other can be irresponsible and a slacker. The enabled partner never sees consequences for his actions because the enabler is always covering.

Intimacy and Trust are Difficult

Usually, when you’re prone to codependency in a relationship, you find intimacy and trust to be a challenge. Being open and communicating effectively is challenging because of those two issues.

Codependency in a Relationship | Sacrifice

One partner in a codependent relationship sacrifices to keep the other happy. These sacrifices include money, time, energy, values, goals, and sometimes friendship and health. The enabler spends all his or her time making sure the enabled partner is happy. Almost everything they do together is something the enabled partner wants to do, rarely what the enabler wants.

You Walk on Eggshells

Your life is consumed by making sure you don’t make the other person unhappy. You feel as if you’re constantly walking on eggshells around them. You don’t express your opinions, feelings, or desires and you always say yes to whatever he wants for fear of suffering the repercussions if you don’t.

In the instance of Mike and Joanne above, Mike fears that Joanne will have an emotional breakdown or attempt suicide if he leaves or doesn’t do everything he can to keep her happy.

Codependency in a Relationship | You Both Have Past Family Trauma

Few relationships have one mentally healthy person and one who’s unhealthy. If this occurs, it’s often because something changed after they got together.

A confident man or woman won’t enter a relationship with someone who lacks confidence, at least not for long. Therefore, when codependency in a relationship exists, it’s often because both individuals have past family trauma, a history of addiction, abuse, or mental illness.

It’s often easy to look back into the past of both people and see a path of unhealthy relationships in their wake. If you grew up in this environment, you may not even recognize it as unhealthy because it was your normal growing up.

The Enabler Feels Like a Martyr

While the giver often feels as if he or she is behaving how they want to, they’re often secretly resentful that they spend all their time caring for someone and nobody takes time to care for them. It’s a contradiction within themselves – a desire to be the caregiver while wanting secretly to be taken care of also.

The Relationship Continues, Even When the Problem is Obvious

The giver in a codependent relationship will be hurt by the other person, either financially, physically, or emotionally. Often, it’s all three. Even though they recognize this hurt, they remain in the relationship.

The Problems You Want to Fix are Usually Too Big for You

Many of the problems in a codependent relationship aren’t fixable by the giving partner. Addiction, for example, is a problem that requires professional intervention. A history of physical or sexual abuse can’t be fixed by someone without a mental health background either. While you may want to fix this person’s life, the truth is that the problems are bigger than you can manage, but that doesn’t stop you from trying.

Codependency in a Relationship | You Don’t Take Care of Yourself

When you’re the giver in a codependent relationship, you often spend all your time taking care of the other person. Self-care, if it ever happens, makes you feel guilty. You don’t take time to enjoy a hobby, spend time with friends or even rest appropriately.

You Feel Resentful

Even though this behavior feels normal to you, you may feel resentful or taken advantage of. This is a valid feeling because to some extent, it’s true. However, if you’re the one giving, you must take responsibility for your actions.

You Stay Because It’s Safe and Easy

Rather than face the idea of being alone, rejected, abandoned, or criticized, you stay in the relationship. Chances are good that you felt those emotions in childhood, and you don’t want to feel them again. To avoid that, you stay in the relationship.

How to Change the Codependent Relationship Dynamic

Much like any other problem, recognizing that you’re in a codependent relationship is the first step toward moving forward in a healthier dynamic.

With time and work, it is possible to change codependency in a relationship into a healthier situation, but both parties must be willing to make positive changes.

Of course, the trick to this is that you can only change yourself. You can’t change someone else or force them to change. Changing your relationship dynamic begins when you change yourself.

Improve Your Self-Worth

When you have low self-worth, you don’t see your true value to others. You engage in a lot of negative self-talk and are overly critical of yourself. Your focus is on your past mistakes instead of your accomplishments. You often blame yourself when things go wrong and tend to think other people are better than you. You don’t believe you deserve good people or things in your life.

Focus on Your Accomplishments

A great way to discover your value in life is to focus on your accomplishments. A great movie example of someone with low self-worth is It’s a Wonderful Life. In the movie, George Bailey constantly sacrifices his desires for others. He never pursues the life he wants because he’s too busy sacrificing for his family.

As the movie advances, George becomes distraught when he faces a crisis in his business. He wishes he’d never been born at all and his guardian angel, Clarence, grants his wish. George gets to see what the lives of his loved ones would be like if he’d never been born. He discovers all the accomplishments and positive impacts he’s had in their lives.

Take some time to examine your accomplishments, and don’t try to say you don’t have any. Think back through your life. You probably took difficult classes, but you got through. You may have been on sports teams or fostered a talent like music or art. Some people are great at volunteering, which always makes a positive impact on others.

Your accomplishments don’t need to be grand to matter. Things you did that had a positive impact on someone else are accomplishments, but so are overcoming challenges and reaching goals.

Make your list and allow it to sit. Other things will come to you, and you can add them. Seeing these accomplishments will help you understand that you do have value and you are worthy of having great people and things in your life.

Consider Your Own Needs

It’s great to want to help people, but not at the expense of your own needs. We all have some basic needs that go unmet in codependent relationships. This includes proper diet, getting enough rest, taking time for self-care, and having boundaries that protect your values.

The takers in codependent relationships are often great boundary crashers, leaving you with a pile of rubble instead of healthy boundaries to protect yourself.

What needs do you have that are going unmet? This can be difficult to think about because you’re accustomed to setting aside those needs, but deep down, you know what they are.

For some, it’s a need to have time to yourself, quiet time just to breathe and exist without pressures or commitments. For others, it’s spending time on a hobby or reading. While a boundary crasher might want you to think you’re being selfish by tending to your own needs, it simply isn’t true.

Be Kind to Yourself

It’s time to end the stream of negativity that’s running through your head. This is a slow process because changing your thought processes doesn’t happen overnight. You didn’t develop those negative thoughts quickly and they won’t go away quickly.

Consider seeking professional help if you feel you can’t do this on your own. There’s no shame in it whatsoever.

To change your thought patterns, first, begin noticing all those negative things you say to yourself. They might seem harmless, but they aren’t. As you hear them, write them down and then follow up with a positive statement that reflects what is most likely the truth.

I’m so stupid becomes I can do anything if I try. In the future, as you hear those negative thoughts, you can replace them with positive ones. It takes continuous effort, but the outcome is well worth it!

Replace Negative Relationships with Positive

Sometimes, you need to do a little housecleaning in your relationships. We tend to draw people to us who are most like us so there’s a great possibility that you have some negative people in your life right now.

Look at your closest relationships and the individuals in them. Is this person a positive person who is supportive of you and tries to pull you up, or is this person someone who helps bring you down?

If the person is someone in your family, it’s often tricky to completely extricate them from your life, but in that case, try to limit your exposure to them and begin setting and enforcing boundaries.

Establish Boundaries

Speaking of boundaries, now that you’re beginning to understand and improve your self-worth, it’s time to protect it with boundaries. Nobody, including you, can treat you like crap any longer. You aren’t going to allow anyone to take advantage of you or treat you as if you’re less worthy.

To determine where you need boundaries, first examine when you’ve felt taken advantage of. For example, if someone in your family always comes to you asking for money, you can set a boundary. In this rebuilding of you, you’re hopefully working on securing your financial situation, so lending or giving money to someone would go against that value or goal.

When that family member asks again for money, you either need to limit it to an amount that won’t hurt you financially or decline the request altogether. If you do loan someone money, even if it’s family, always create a written document to state their intention to repay, how, and when.

That’s a boundary. People who have pushed past your boundaries before will resist and try to get you to cave in, but you must stand firm, regardless of what they say. Always remember in a situation like this that they’ve gotten themselves into whatever financial mess they’re in. It’s not your job to get them out. Just like it’s not your job to get someone out of any mess they create.

Learn to Say “No”

People with low self-worth are often “yes” people. They will say yes to any request because they fear that if they don’t, they’ll lose the relationship.

Saying no after a lifetime of being a “yes” woman isn’t easy, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t start anyway. If someone doesn’t want to be around you because you stood your ground for your own reasons, whatever they are, that’s on them. You can’t control the behavior of other people. You can only control your own.

People who are accustomed to taking advantage of you in the past will try to convince you to change your mind. The question to ask yourself is what you’re saying “No” to if you say “Yes” to their request. Additionally, if you say “No” and then change it to a “Yes”, you’ll have a hard time saying “No” to that person in the future.

Someone who wants to push you past your comfort zone or value and limits doesn’t have your best interest in mind, they have their own in mind.

Get to Know Yourself

What do you like to do? What do you like to eat? Where would you like to live? Have you ever considered these questions without considering someone else’s opinion?

If you could spend your time doing something you truly enjoyed, what would that be? Often when you’re in a codependent relationship, you don’t know the answers to these questions because your whole life has been focused on someone else’s wants and needs.

Now it’s time to learn about you, your wants and needs, and then spend time pursuing those things.

Disengage Some

It’s time to put some physical and emotional distance between you and others. This isn’t about abandoning someone or ending your relationship, it’s just about putting some space in there so you can complete these other steps.

Disengaging or detaching yourself isn’t selfish, just like self-care isn’t, but it is necessary to improve your situation. What it does is allow you the space to get to know yourself and become the person you truly want to be. When you disengage, you stop:

Participating in argumentsInvolving yourself in a situation that feels uncomfortable or unsafePutting the feelings, opinions, and needs of others ahead of yoursTrying to fix other peoples’ problems, listening instead without actionNagging and criticizing othersSaying “Yes” all the timeAllowing people to crash your boundariesBeing reactive, instead of remaining calm and evaluating the situation to determine what your proper reaction should beAccept Responsibility for What’s Yours Only

It becomes a bad habit to accept responsibility for your partner’s bad choices and to try to fix them, but to recover from codependency in relationships, you must stop.

Additionally, you must own your responsibility for where you are in your own life. Yes, things from your childhood got you here, but now that you recognize the problem, it’s time to take charge of the situation and own your part.

You can make your situation better for you. If you’re with someone who is a spendthrift, don’t allow him access to your money. If you’re sharing in the expenses, pay your half yourself. Most companies have online systems now, which makes it easy. Yes, you still might experience the electricity being shut off if he doesn’t pay his half, but you also have the option to stay with a friend or relative and not suffer the consequences of his actions.

Don’t allow the words of others to continue to make you believe that you can’t take care of your own needs. You’re an adult with free will to make choices and so is your partner, friend, or family member. Stop accepting responsibility for their choices and start owning your own.

End the Victim Mentality

It’s easy to blame others for everything wrong in our lives. You’re in a codependent relationship now because of something someone did or didn’t do in your childhood. How you deal with it is up to you. It goes back to accepting responsibility but takes it one step further.

Being a victim means never owning your role in anything. Life happens to you. You’re not an actor but a recipient.

Instead, become a student of life who is always growing and learning. Set aside the desire to shirk responsibility and start owning your life. You are the only one who can truly make changes in your life. You’re responsible for becoming the next version of yourself, whatever that is. Set your mind in a new direction where there’s no more blaming, just becoming the best version of yourself you can be.

With ditching the victim mentality comes the freedom to become whomever you want to be. You can chart your new course, set your own goals, and determine your values, then live your life to become the person who follows the course, achieves goals, and adheres to those values.

Codependency in a Relationship Doesn’t Need to be Permanent

Now that you’re aware of what codependency in a relationship looks like, you can move toward being proactive, instead of reactive in your life. You can take the steps to move away from that type of relationship, either with or without the other person in the codependency.

Chances are good that if you have a codependent romantic relationship, you have other codependent relationships as well, probably within your family, but they could be hiding in your friendships too.

Work toward taking those steps and nature will take care of the rest. As others see you making positive changes, one of two things will happen. Either they’ll ask to join you and learn how you’re making all those great changes, or they’ll resist and fall away. Either is acceptable if you remember that you can only control and change yourself. Whatever someone else chooses to do is on them.

Today you start taking care of you. If you don’t begin to take care of yourself, you won’t be 100% there to take care of those other important people in your life! Self-care isn’t the same as selfish. Self-care is essential for every single person, male or female, parent or not, laborer or white collar. None of that matters.

This self-love kit for women takes you through six types of self-care, providing you with essential steps toward including each type of self-care into your life.

Each type of self-care has specific steps and benefits to your overall well-being. You’ll gradually ease in to including each type of self-care in your life.

Inside the book is a link to download a free workbook and journal, featuring helpful worksheets to help you proceed through the self-care journey, as well as journal pages like yearly, monthly, weekly and daily calendars, trackers and other helpful pages. Your journey to feeling less overwhelm and more power in your life begins today!

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The Idea of a Perfect Date

The idea of a perfect date varies between couples. If you’re planning a first date, you might think of something different than a couple who’s married with kids, looking to escape the madness for a few hours.

The Idea of the Perfect Date

I asked my readers for their suggestions and got some great ideas to share with you today. Many agreed that an adventure date or a date where they could talk and get to know one another was the idea of a perfect date. Some of those suggestions were:

Riding bikes along the trailsHaving a picnic under a nice big tree and making love, whether the coast is clear or notEnjoying an outdoor dinner at a local hangoutGetting my guy to join me in one of my hobbies like horseback ridingCoffeeA car ride in my boyfriend’s ’67 Mustang, preferably with the top down, if it isn’t too hotDinner and a movie where I pick dinner and he chooses the movie or vice versaA scary movie so I can grab him and pull him in, then steal his popcornSunset at the beach is the most romantic timeHikingJumping in the RV and heading to a state park for the weekend so we can enjoy skinny dipping at night, making love under the stars, and grilling over an open fireMeeting at the dog park to see how he treats his dog and mine, and to see if my dog approves of himKayaking and if he can keep up with me, he gets a second date, if he can’t too bad for himAn amusement park or a haunted houseDinner and a concertGo carts First Date Challenges

Obviously, a few of those weren’t first-date ideas, but many of them would be. While the traditional first date is to go somewhere for dinner, this is the most awkward date you can find. If one of you is shy or very nervous, it can be a struggle to find conversational topics.

If you’re out doing something, the pressure to enjoy a conversation is gone. You’re too busy enjoying yourselves to worry about what to say next.

Additionally, when you enjoy an adventurous first date, you see more of one another’s true colors. You can see how he manages challenges and adversity, as well as how supportive he is of you if you’re trying something challenging or new.

These types of dates also take the pressure off when it comes to choosing your wardrobe for the date. If you’re going for a bike ride or a hike, you can dress appropriately in jeans or shorts and a t-shirt or sweatshirt.

Regardless of what date you choose, dress comfortably and conservatively. Dressing to show off too much skin for a first date sends the wrong signal. It says you believe your greatest asset is your body, not your mind and intellect. Great men are interested in all of them, of course, but they’ll respect you more if you leave some things to their imagination!

Subsequent Dates

Not all your dates need to be like this. There’s nothing wrong with the occasional dinner and a movie date, and it’s even mentioned above, but it isn’t a great first date. In fact, if you’re married, this might be the perfect date because you can sit and talk, which may be challenging if you have small children at home.

Still, enjoying adventures or dates where you’re doing versus sitting are more enjoyable and telling. My assistant, Kirbie, has a daughter who’s getting married in a couple of months. They recently enjoyed time with family and friends at her bridal shower. One of the activities they had was for everyone to write date night ideas on a large popsicle stick that they then put in a jar.

The next day, the couple told Kirbie that they loved this and her soon-to-be son-in-law was even writing his own ideas on sticks and adding them to the jar. They said they sometimes just look at one another and shrug their shoulders when they want to do something together and having the jar will help them enjoy some different activities.

Of course, the groom pulled out his first stick and it said candle making. He decided that if he could make a candle that smelled manly, he was on board!

The Idea of a Perfect Date for Date Night

I am a huge proponent of date nights for couples because it helps keep the relationship from becoming routine, stale or dead. I always encourage couples to schedule a weekly date night so they can reconnect and enjoy time together.

These nights should be as technology-free as possible and shouldn’t be about arguing or complaining. It’s a time to reconnect and recharge the couple batteries. Talk about things that happened throughout the week, like the big report you gave at work and how he might be up for a promotion. Talk about planning a vacation together or your plans for the future.

When you plan your week, put date night on first and make it a priority. It’s the one thing on your calendar you can’t cancel or reschedule. If your partner and your relationship are important to you, so is this time together.

What Most Men Prefer

Most men prefer fun dates. This is how they spend time with their friends and it’s how they want to spend time with you. While most men are okay with sitting down for dinner, if you asked, most would prefer an adventure.

If you’re an exclusive couple, make yourselves a date night jar and ask friends for ideas. Add your own ideas as well and then pull out a stick when it comes time for your date. The rule is that if you pull out the stick, you have to do the activity unless the weather is prohibitive of course.  

Below are some final tips for the idea of a perfect date for you to consider:

Go to a drive-in movie or set one up at homeCamp out in your living room with blankets and pillows, maybe even a tent, s’mores in the fireplace, or popcorn and a movieVisit the local zoo, arboretum, museum, or another similar venueGo dancing or take dancing lessons togetherVisit a nearby small town and peruse the shops, finish with dinner at a hole-in-the-wall restaurantMerge one of your hobbies with one of his – a car show where you take tons of photos for exampleTake a cooking class togetherPutt-putt golfing is always fun and men love competitionVisit a local festival and enjoy ethnic or international food

Regardless of what you choose, if you’re both laid back and prepared to enjoy one another, you’ll have a great time!

Once you find true love, the key is keeping it! In my best-seller, Pennies in the Jar: How to Keep a Man for Life, you'll learn many things you and your guy can do to maintain a healthy, happy relationship. The pennies you put in the jar are shared memories. You add pennies when you do things together like exploring a quaint little town nearby or relaxing in a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon. They're added when you make a game out of grocery shopping or have a cooking contest for dinner.

Learn how to put pennies in the jar, how to communicate effectively and how to fight fair, all inside this great book!

To learn more about it, click here. To purchase the book, click one of the buttons below.

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Dating vs. In a Relationship | What’s the Difference?

Have you ever wondered about dating vs. in a relationship? I can see how you might be confused, so I’m here to clarify.

While it might not seem like it, there are quite a few differences between just dating and being in a relationship. I think once you read through them, dating vs. in a relationship will be all cleared up for you!

The most fundamental differences between dating and being in a relationship boil down to your intention and the relationship’s trajectory.

In other words, what are your goals with this relationship? This is one of those instances where you and your guy need to be on the same page. If he’s just in it for the sex (think player), but you’re looking for your forever man, Houston, we have a problem.

Let’s see if we can’t clear this one up today!

Dating vs. In a Relationship | Definitions

First, let’s get some terminology down.

What is Dating?

Dating is where you explore a new person. You take time to get to know them before you commit to being exclusive.

Think about dating as a wine flight. You go to a bar, and you order a flight of six of their new wines. You taste each and decide which one you want to go with for the evening.

Dating is the same thing. You line up a few men and date them several times to see which one might be a good fit.

You’re exploring one another to see if the likes and dislikes match. Are your values aligned? Can you have fun together?

Dating is a time of curiosity and hope. It’s marked by uncertainty and lots of first dates. Usually, dating lasts just two to three months before you either slide into a relationship or go your separate ways.

What is a Relationship?

When you move from dating to being in a relationship, you choose to be committed to this one person. The expectation is either marriage or a long-term relationship, depending on your wants.

The exploration continues in a relationship, but it’s on a deeper level. You experience an increased romantic, emotional, and sexual attraction to one another.

In a relationship, you’re exploring the possibility of a life-long commitment.

The StagesStages of Dating

Dating progresses through natural stages that mark whether you advance toward a relationship or ultimately find someone else.

Attraction

The first stage of dating is attraction. A man sees a woman from across the room and summons the courage to approach or vice versa.

What attracts a man to a woman?

How to make a man fall in love with you

Awkwardness

The second stage of dating is awkwardness. This happens right after one of you approaches the other. You’re unsure if your approach is welcome, and you’re nervous about making a great first impression.

First impressions matter

Once you move past awkwardness, you re-enter attraction on a deeper level.

Uncertainty

While you like this guy, you’re unsure how he feels about you. You’re dating other people, and for all you know, he’s really hot for someone else.

You’re now assessing your feelings for this guy and wondering if he could be the one. At this point, you decide whether he’s someone you want to be exclusive with.

Intimate Partnership

If you move past uncertainty and are still together, you’re beginning to form an intimate partnership. This is the prelude to your relationship, but things can still go the other way. Remember that you’re still exploring, and things can still come up to derail the whole thing.

Stages of a Relationship

You can best read about the stages of a relationship here. Although the article combines the stages of dating with the stages of a relationship, it’s still a great way to determine where you are.

Dating vs. In a Relationship | The DifferencesDating is About Finding Out if You Fit Together

When you date someone, and please read this carefully, your main goal is to determine if you fit together. Are you compatible with the big stuff? Of course, this conversation doesn’t happen immediately, and much of this fact-finding mission isn’t about having a conversation.

When you first meet someone new, one of two things usually happens. Either you have great chemistry right away, and everything seems to click, or the date falls flat, and you struggle to maintain a conversation.

This is why I never suggest dinner dates. Dinner dates are better suited for date nights when you and your guy need to spend quality time reconnecting. By then, you have plenty to talk about.

Dating is about having fun and getting to know one another. You do that by exploring the world around you. Act like you’re new to your town and set out to explore it. Go to sporting events, even if it’s high school football. Explore museums and other historical venues. Go to local events. Do things together.

That’s how you really get to know someone. That’s dating.

Dating Has a Lower Level of Commitment

Initially dating someone new, you have no commitment to them. You should be dating more than one man until you are in a committed relationship. It helps you know what you like and dislike about different men.

You aren’t sexually exclusive, although I encourage you to hold off on having sex until a man has proven that he’s worthy of you. Additionally, when dating, there’s no commitment to be there for the complicated stuff. You can be, of course, but there’s no obligation.

Dating vs. In a Relationship | When Can You Be Yourself?

Please don’t be angry with me for what I’m about to say. I mean it most kindly. When people are dating, they’re essentially marketing the best version of themselves. You’re constantly worried about saying or doing the wrong thing.

Once you’re in a relationship, you’re comfortable being yourself. You’ve seen one another’s flaws, and you’re okay with them.

Relationships Require Compromise

When you’re dating, it’s easier to be a little selfish. If you don’t want to go out with him on Friday, you can call or text and make an excuse without feeling too guilty. You don’t have a commitment, so if you don’t want to go out, don’t sweat it.

But it would help if you learned how to compromise in a relationship. He went to your best friend’s baby shower, even though he still has no idea why men were invited, and now, it’s your turn to go to his buddy’s house to hang out for the evening.

And the compromise goes further than that because a relationship is all about compromise. Neither of you can expect to have things your way all the time. It’s selfish and unrealistic.

Relationships are Exclusive

When you’re considering dating vs. in a relationship, probably the easiest thing to do is define a point in time where things change from one to the other. That point is when you decide to be exclusive with one another, and no, that isn’t after your first date.

Once you’ve dated a guy for a while and the relationship feels good, the two of you can decide to become exclusive. You’ve been together and determined that you share values and goals for your future. You know he’s worthy of you, and he’s sure you’re the confident woman he thought you were when he first saw you.

The decisions you make now are for the two of you. Where will you live? Who pays the electric bill? Which one of you does the cooking?

Dating vs. In a Relationship | Introductions

When you’re in a relationship, you introduce one another as boyfriend or girlfriend, but when you’re just dating, you might introduce one another as friends or someone you’re dating.

Boyfriend or girlfriend status is reserved for that commitment stage of the relationship. That’s why it can feel uncomfortable to introduce a guy that way for the first time. It’s because you’re taking a giant leap into relationship territory.

The Communication is on a Different Level

When you’re in a relationship, you’re more likely to discuss the minute details of life, whereas when you’re dating, you stick to surface material most of the time.

As you draw closer to making a mutually exclusive commitment, conversations will deepen, but when you’re dating, it’s more about where to go the next time you go out or whether you enjoyed the movie you just saw.

Dating vs. In a Relationship | The Expectations are Different

You expect less of them when dating someone, or you should anyway. I see this causing many problems early in relationships.

Often, the woman thinks they’re more committed than they are, and she becomes frustrated when he doesn’t meet her expectations. Meanwhile, he doesn’t expect a lot yet and doesn’t feel he has any need to meet your expectations.

In a relationship, you expect your partner to be more present, and, depending on your living situation, you may also expect him to pitch in more.

Their Priority in Your Life is Greater in a Relationship

When dating someone, they are less of a priority in your life. Time with your friends and family may come before time with someone you’re just dating.

In a relationship, however, you prioritize them more. If you choose between going to a social event hosted by his work or doing an Outlander binge with your besties, you should prioritize the work event. He’s your priority now.

Dating vs. In a Relationship | Your Social Lives

Generally, unless you meet through mutual friends, you won’t introduce someone you’re just dating to your social network. Men do this to avoid hearing all the comments from their friends. The uncertainty of your future isn’t worth it.

If his friends love you, they’ll get after him if he doesn’t choose you, and if they don’t, they’ll be your demise before he’s ready to give up.

The “L” Word

When dating, you shouldn’t expect to hear him say he loves you and vice versa. You’re not there yet. You’re exploring one another, and men don’t usually fall in love that quickly anyway.

Once you enter a committed relationship, the “L” word is more likely to come out, although maybe not immediately.

Dating vs. In a Relationship | You’re an “Us” in a Relationship

When dating, you don’t think of you and your guy as “us” or “we.” If your best friend invites you to her wedding, she invites you and a guest.

When you’re in a relationship, you’re part of a “we.” You’re a unit, and people think of you as one, not two individual people. That wedding invitation will have both of your names.

Walking Away is Easier When You’re Dating

Many women contact me after a man they’ve been dating for just a few weeks suddenly exits their lives. While that’s a crappy way to end things with someone, that’s sometimes how men do it.

These women are desperate to get the guy back, but there is little hope for one reason. You weren’t together long enough to build the intimacy you have in a relationship.

It’s harder to walk away from a relationship with feelings of love and commitment, but when you’re dating, it’s easier to stop seeing someone.

Women often mistake dating with being in a relationship, which makes the exit of these guys so painful.

Dating vs. In a Relationship | Action versus Label

Dating is an action. You are dating someone to learn more about them. A relationship is a label of what you have when you become committed to one another.

You’ll always date one another, but the differences above determine your overall commitment.

Why you should never stop dating your husband

Dating Vs. In a Relationship | The Final Word

Hopefully, you’ve seen the importance of understanding dating vs. in a relationship. Too often, we find someone we have great chemistry with and immediately believe we’re in a relationship with them, but that isn’t the case.

Relationships require a dedicated effort and a level of caring that isn’t present when you first date someone new.

I encourage you to slow down when you’re dating and to date more than one guy at a time. Once you’re sure things are going well and he’s proven worthy, you can move to something more committed and long-term.

Meanwhile, have fun. Date different types of men and learn what you like and dislike. Put these men to the test and allow one to rise to the top naturally.

To date a man, you must understand a man. Men and women do almost everything differently, and sometimes for different motivations. To a man, his financial status indicates how well he can take care of you and your family. It's a source of pride for him to be able to do so, even if you make your own money and can support yourself.

It's how he was raised.

Men also love differently. Many relationships breakup for the simple reason that a man is showing a woman how much he loves her, but he isn't saying the words she longs to hear. He's taking her car to get the oil changed, building the shelves she desires in her office and helping with the outside chores. You're probably missing many of these signs that he loves you.

You gain so much insight into the male mind that you'll be amazed at what you suddenly see and understand in the behavior of all men around you. Not just the man you're in a relationship with, but the men you work with and those in your family.

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