Gregg Michaelsen's Blog, page 3

22 Top Qualities in a Good Man

You’ve looked and looked but the good man eludes you, so today you’re asking, what are the qualities in a good man anyway?

The good news is that the good man is out there, and trust me, he’s as frustrated as you are. But this is about you so let’s dive right in!

What Defines a Good Man?

I suppose before we look at the qualities in a good man, we should define what a good man is by most standards.

Of course, to some degree, the words good man are subjective. What you see as a good man might not be what your friend sees, but to be clear, I’m not talking about physical appearance.

The beauty of any human being lies inside them. It’s in how they treat people, how empathetic they are, how well they control their emotions, and how successful they are in key areas of their lives. Allow me to explain.

Qualities in a Good Man: Honesty

First and foremost, a good man is honest. Yes, he might tell you you’re beautiful even when you are at your worst, but he isn’t looking at your physical beauty, he sees what’s inside.

When you are honest with one another, you have a very strong foundation for your relationship. You develop trust and value one another’s opinions because you know you’re speaking the truth.

Honesty also means being honest with your feelings. A good man has a high emotional IQ, meaning he’s in touch with his emotions and knows how to control them. If he tells you that he loves you, you can take it to the bank!

Good Men Show Empathy

When a man genuinely feels your pain and shows compassion for what you’re going through, he’s showing empathy.

This is the type of man you want. He shares in your successes and your sadness. He’s there, celebrating with you, not feeling as if he’s been one-upped.

This guy values your feelings as much as his own and he won’t disappoint.

A Good Man is Into Personal Development

Personal development means looking for ways in which you can grow as a human being. Maybe it’s taking a cooking class or learning a new skill.

One of the awesome qualities in a good man is that he values personal development, and not just his but yours too!

You can use this to build your relationship in interesting ways. Take classes together. Join two of your hobbies into one new one. Create your own personal book club.

There are tons of ways to pursue personal development, both with and without your guy.

Qualities in a Good Man: High Emotional Intelligence

Having emotional intelligence means being in touch with your own emotions for sure, but it also means being able to respond positively to someone else’s emotions. A person with high emotional intelligence recognizes emotions and responds appropriately.

Men who have high emotional intelligence form successful relationships, both in their personal and professional lives.

This type of guy is open to expressing and talking about feelings, yours and his. This can be a difficult trait to find in a guy, so if you find one, grab on!

A Good Man is Respectful

Respect means valuing others and treating them kindly, regardless of how well you know them or their social status.

Your guy is kind to elderly people in the grocery store, helps old ladies cross the street, and treats your family the same way he treats his own.

This guy is a great listener who allows someone else to speak their opinion without arguing back. He’s willing to listen, even if he disagrees, and if he speaks his own mind, it’s with kindness and patience, not anger.

Respect also extends to your boundaries. He may have hinted that he wanted sex early in your relationship, but you stood your ground and said it was too soon, and he respected it. In fact, he probably tried harder to win your trust.

Qualities in a Good Man: Vulnerability

Vulnerability is a tough one that many people struggle with. In fact, a man, even a good man, may not want to expose his vulnerabilities to you too soon, and that’s okay.

You must first become someone he can trust with his vulnerability. Society demands that men hide their vulnerabilities, seeing them as signs of weakness.

When someone is vulnerable, they’re open to experiences and emotions. They aren’t afraid to let go of control. Society has it wrong – this isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength.

And I may point out that people who find this as a weakness most likely feel threatened by this type of man.

Good Men are Reliable/Dependable

There’s nothing worse than planning a date with a guy, only to have him either forget or show up really late.

Reliable men keep their promises and commitments. If he says he’ll do something, you can count on it.

Reliability goes hand in hand with trust. The more reliable someone is, the more trust someone develops in them. No promise is too light. If he says he’ll be there to help you move, he will, even if he didn’t get any sleep the night before because his dog was sick.

This is truly a good man!

The post 22 Top Qualities in a Good Man appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.

Dating Someone with Depression

When you’re dating someone with depression, all you want to do is make them feel better. You love them and you want them to get back to their old selves, but you don’t know what to do. How can you fix this?

The problem is that you can’t fix it. It isn’t your job. What then is your job? I’m guessing that, since you’re here, you’ve been scouring the Internet looking for ways to fix your guy. Your heart breaks at his despair.

What Not to do When Dating Someone with Depression

Let’s first examine the mistakes people make in this situation. You don’t do these things to intentionally cause harm, but they may do just that.

Don’t Argue with Their Feelings

People with depression often have very negative thought patterns. You telling them that they’re wrong doesn’t help them because they believe this very strongly.

You can try to tell him what a wonderful man you think he is, but he won’t believe you because his own negative thoughts are too strong.

Instead, you’re likely to cause a disconnect and greater distance between you, and that’s the opposite of what you’re trying to do.

Accepting him as he is is a very powerful way to show your support without trying to change his narrative. Try to encourage him to share his feelings, knowing that this is very difficult for a man. He might not really know why he feels sad or hopeless but sometimes talking it out can help the cause pop through.

Don’t Get Upset When He Can’t Participate

Depression makes people want to curl up in the safety of their space and shut out the world. It decreases sex drive as well.

If you have plans with him and he bails, don’t get upset. He’s battling his internal voices, and the battle is just too hard in that moment. Instead, be understanding and suggest you reschedule for another time. Let him know you understand and aren’t angry.

If your sex life has fallen off, it’s the depression. Don’t go into a long speech about whether he still loves you or if you aren’t attractive to him any longer. He simply isn’t interested right now. It’s the depression talking, not his love for or attraction to you.

When he bails on your plans, go out and do something anyway. You don’t need to flaunt it in his face, but he may find comfort in knowing he didn’t ruin your evening. Going out anyway can also help you avoid feeling angry or frustrated at a situation you cannot control.

Set and Maintain Boundaries

Just because he’s battling depression doesn’t mean he has a license to treat you badly. You should already have boundaries about how you’re willing to be treated and those should stay firmly in place.

Of course, this doesn’t apply to him canceling his plans on you, as you just read. It does, however, apply to times when he may lash out at you with coarse language or personal attacks.

It’s okay for you to say I’m really sorry James, but as I’ve told you before, it isn’t okay for you to speak to me that way. I’m going to head out for a while so we can both calm down.”

In saying this, you’re reminding him of the boundary – that it isn’t okay for him to speak to you that way, and you’re calmly extricating yourself from the situation.

You don’t need to walk on eggshells around someone with depression. They are still responsible for their own actions.

Don’t Spend 100% of Your Time on Him

It’s never healthy to make a man your hobby, and even less so when he’s battling depression. He needs time to deal with his feelings and you need to be sure you’re taking care of yourself.

In fact, sometimes it’s a good idea to find your own therapy to help you deal with the repercussions of dating someone with depression.

You may also discover a pattern in yourself that helps you understand why you are attracted to someone who’s battling depression, if this seems to be the type of man you find.

Don’t Fight this Battle Alone

There are support groups you can look to for support and guidance. These are people who have been where you are and feel what you’re feeling right now.

It’s okay to seek help for yourself as a way of helping your relationship. The people in these groups won’t shame you or belittle you, but they may help you see where you can do things differently, either for your partner or for yourself.

How to Succeed at Dating Someone with Depression

Now that you know what not to do, let’s look at some tools you can employ to succeed in this journey.

Watch for Signs of Suicidal Thinking

Suicide is a real danger to someone battling depression. There are signs you can look for to make sure your guy isn’t sliding into this state. These signs are from the Suicide Prevention Resource Center:

Talking about feeling unbearable painHaving a fascination about death or talking about a recent deathFeeling hopeless, worthless, or trappedFeeling guilt, shame, or angerBelieving they are a burden to othersA recent suicide attemptIncreased drug or alcohol useLosing interest in personal appearance or hygieneWithdrawing from family, friends, and communitySaying goodbye to friends and familyGiving away prized possessionsA recent episode of depression, emotional distress, or anxietyChanges in eating/sleeping patternsBecoming violent or a victim of violenceExpressing rageRecklessnessHelp Him Explore Treatment Options

There is no shame in exploring treatment for depression. There are drugs and treatments available to help the brain chemistry get rebalanced. Additionally, it can help to talk to someone who can help sort out all of the negative thought processes that are flooding his thoughts.

Suggest that he reach out to his family doctor for advice on how to proceed. You shouldn’t make these appointments for him, but you can talk to him about the help that’s out there.

Offer the Support He Needs

When you’re battling depression, even the simplest tasks can seem overwhelming. For example, “Can I help you look up that phone number?” or “Can I drive you to your appointment and wait outside?”

More general questions like how can I help might be too difficult to answer because they don’t know what they need.

Be careful, however, not to be pushy. If he says no, it’s no.

Acknowledge His Victories

Small wins are everything when you’re battling depression. Just getting up and putting clothes on can be a challenge.

While it’s important not to belittle him, it’s also important to help him see his small victories, as they are usually quite big to him.

“Joe, I’m so proud of you. I know it took a lot of strength.”

Be Loving and Concerned

When you battle depression, you usually feel pretty badly about yourself. It’s okay to tell him that you love and respect him, in fact, it may help in some small way.

But it’s also okay to tell him your concerns. Sometimes, this is the motivating factor for people seeking help. It isn’t their own feelings that sends them, but the concerns of others.

Jake, I love you and I know it’s difficult for you to get out of bed, but I’m concerned for you. I’m afraid that if you don’t get some help now, your job will be in jeopardy and that will only make things worse. I need you and I want you to get help.”

Skip the Judgmental Thoughts

People with depression feel isolated. It’s like floating on an island with no life raft and nobody to talk to.

If he does share something with you, don’t judge his thoughts. Instead, encourage him to share his thoughts.

My body just feels so heavy.

That sounds very challenging. Can you tell me more?

Gently, not forcefully, encourage him to share more about how he’s feeling. Sharing might be a source of light. He may feel a sense of connection that will help him feel less isolated.

Take Care of Yourself

Just because he’s battling depression doesn’t mean you toss your own care out the window. It’s more important than ever that you make sure to practice self-care. Take time for yourself, whether it’s a walk, reading a book, or gardening. Whatever you can do to feel like you’re recharging your own batteries is great.

Educate Yourself About Depression

Do your research, and not just a few blog articles. Look for professional work on battling depression and what that means.

Dating someone with depression can cause you to feel out of control of the situation. When you gain knowledge about something, it helps you feel more in control. You’ll see the depression for what it is and feel less likely to blame yourself, or your partner, for the depression.

The truth is that he can’t just wish away his depression. It doesn’t work like that. This is an illness, a disease, just like the flu or cancer.

Try to Get Him to Exercise with You

As difficult as it is to get out of bed for someone with depression, the benefits of exercise can’t be ignored. Even if you just get him to go for a short walk, you’re stirring up some endorphins that will help him feel a little better.

Dating Someone with Depression

In the end, this isn’t your problem to solve. The most you can do is be supportive and offer kindness and empathy.

Your guy is going through something that is, for the most part, beyond his control. What is within his control is seeking professional help, and your job there can be as a support system. Offer to help him find someone if it feels too overwhelming for him. Offer to drive him if he doesn’t seem to want to do so himself.

Patience with the situation will help you both, as will your flexibility with his inability to participate in your dating life sometimes.

Above all, know that this isn’t about you, so don’t make it so. He has enough battles without trying to battle your issues.

Group environments full of people who are going through what you are can be most helpful in your journey to be a supportive girlfriend. Make sure that you’re taking care of yourself too so that you can be the best version of yourself possible.

With professional help, he can heal from his depression and he will be grateful for your patience and support.

Having an effective self-care routine is crucial to your daily peace and happiness, but many people falsely believe that self-care is simply taking a hot bath with a glass of wine and some candles.

There are so many other ways to enjoy a self-care routine and this book walks you through them, providing you with many choices on how you can implement a self-care routine into your schedule. 

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Dating for Widows: How to Get Back Into dating as a widow

Widowhood is nothing to joke about or take lightly, and neither is the topic of dating for widows. You’ve been through a very difficult time in your life and now may feel as if you’re emerging on the other side of grief and ready to get back out there.

When people first think of widows, the image of an elderly woman pops up, but not all widows are elderly women. You may have lost your young husband after a bout of cancer or because he was in the military, had an accident, or a host of other reasons.

I’m so sorry that this is the topic you had to search to find a happy relationship again, and I’m here for you. What do you say we work through this together, okay?

How do You Know When You’re Ready to Date?

This is the most important question to ask yourself. Rushing back into dating before you’re ready will not end well for you or any potential new man. There are some things you can look for that will help you know.

Your Grief Isn’t All-Consuming

It’s perfectly normal to grieve the loss of a spouse, and there are stages you go through along the way. You’ve likely experienced sadness, denial, and anger before arriving at acceptance.

It’s when you reach the acceptance stage of grief that you know you’re possibly ready to date again.

The grief, while still present, isn’t something that consumes you all of the time, instead creeping in and out for moments of time. This is normal and healthy.

You Have a Positive Outlook Again

Betty’s husband had Alzheimer’s that took a hard turn into a bad place. He was hallucinating and experiencing delusions; he became violent and had suddenly lost some physical functions. Within five weeks of this sudden turn, Betty’s husband was gone.

While the initial shock was overwhelming, Betty told her children that her husband had been gone for many years. Still, her children noticed that she wasn’t doing any of the hobbies she had previously enjoyed.

They spent time with her and slowly noticed that she was slowly getting back into things she’d previously enjoyed.

While there are still moments of grief, Betty is now fully back into her hobbies, has redone her bedroom, and seems like the person her children remember. She has returned to a positive outlook.

You Can Remember

When your grief has settled some, you’re able to talk about your spouse and share memories without feeling consumed with grief. Sure, you may feel a little sadness, but overall, you can talk about him without falling to pieces.

You might even feel comfortable sharing those stories with a potential partner somewhere down the line.

You’ve Re-Established Your Social Life

Getting back out there socially shows that you’re moving past the most consuming grief. In addition to rekindling your social life with your friends, you feel excited about the prospect of meeting new men too.

You Want a Connection, not a Replacement

Initially, you may feel the loss of your spouse and want to replace that feeling of love and companionship, but in truth, you cannot replace someone in your heart.

When you’re ready to date, you’ll realize that you want to form a new connection, not replace your spouse.

I know that it feels like word play but there is a difference. The desire for companionship with someone new isn’t the same as wanting to replace a lost love.

There is No Time Frame

Only you know when you’re ready. Others may try to push you either to get back into dating sooner than you’re ready or try to get you to hold off because they don’t want you to be hurt again.

They mean well, but only you truly know whether you’re ready.

The most important thing is not to try to date too soon. I know that your heart is aching for your lost love but wait until that constant ache turns into something less frequent.

The only timeframe you need to worry about is the one that lets you know when you’re ready.

You Can Live on Your Own

It’s possible that your husband handled many of the affairs of the home, like paying bills and arranging for maintenance. This isn’t a sexist comment, just throwing out the possibility.

It may also be that you’ve never lived on your own before and feel intimidated by the possibility.

You need to be able to handle all of this before you take on a new relationship. You should have a strong handle on your finances and also know what’s going on in your own home. Feel comfortable living alone, or just you and your kids, whatever your situation may be.

Dating for Widows: How to Get Back Out There

Once you’re sure you’re ready to date, how should you go about it? Depending on how long you were with your spouse, dating may have changed quite a bit since the last time you tried it.

Don’t Expect Everyone to Be on Board

Some people in your life might feel like you’re betraying your husband by dating again, but I can guarantee you that any great man would not want you to be alone for the rest of your life.

Your spouse wants you to be happy. Their objections more likely tell you that they aren’t as far along in the grieving process as you are. Give them time, but don’t let them dictate your actions.

If you think you’re ready, kindly tell them that you appreciate their concern, but you’re going to do what you think is best for you.

Don’t Compare New Men to Your Spouse

You’ll never find another man like the man you lost, but that’s okay. Nobody is perfect. Your husband wasn’t and neither will your new man be perfect.

Instead of looking for someone who’s like your husband, try to open your mind to the possibility of dating someone different.

In fact, date several different types of men. The first man you meet isn’t likely to be the one anyway.

As you date these different types of men, do a little debriefing after to think about what you liked and didn’t like. Some guys warrant a second or even a third date while others are a hard no right away.

Just make sure that the comparisons you’re making aren’t do your spouse, but that you’re comparing them to the type of man who’s right for you now.

Be Honest

You don’t need to tell a new man within the first five minutes that you’re a widow but be honest with him that you’re just getting back into the dating scene and you want to take things slowly.

The goal of dating is to get to know someone better and determine if you’re a fit. It isn’t step one to the altar.

You might date a couple of men and find that it still hurts too much. Be honest with those men and tell them you need more time to heal.

If you’re having a wonderful time on a date and all of a sudden, tears creep up for no apparent reason, be honest that you’re just grieving a little. Most men will understand and be patient.

Don’t Rush Yourself

The glow of a new relationship can cause people to feel like they need to rush to the next step.

Don’t.

As I said before, date several men, and yes, it’s okay to date several men at once. Until you’ve made a commitment to one, it’s okay to date a few at once. This helps you compare, boosts your dating confidence, and also injects a little competition.

Not that you need to tell men that you’re dating others, they’ll sense it because they’re probably dating other women too.

Don’t Make New Men Your Therapists

Dating isn’t about spending hours talking about your pain. If you need that, it may be time to seek a professional therapist.

Drowning your sorrows on a date is a real downer, especially on a date. This is a sure-fire way to let a new man know that you aren’t yet over the old one.

Date Multiple Men

I mentioned this previously, but it’s important to talk about it again. The ‘old fashioned’ way of dating was to date a guy and eventually get married.

Things are different now.

It’s okay, and even advised, to date multiple men at the same time. I don’t mean you should turn into a hookup machine. I’m saying it’s okay to accept a date from two or three men and not feel guilty.

I guarantee you that men are doing this, and you have no commitment to these men. You’re simply trying one another on to see if you want to keep seeing one another. Sometimes, you know on the first date. The chemistry isn’t there or he’s not at all who you thought he was going to be.

That’s okay. Say your goodbyes and move on. No guilt.

Ultimately, you’ll find yourself only dating one or two men, and eventually, someone will rise to the top.

Once you make a commitment to one another, then you should be exclusive, but you aren’t obligated to do so before then.

Know What You Want

This is where dating multiple men helps you. As you date these men, maybe keep a journal of what you like and dislike about them.

Eventually, you’ll see a trend in the traits you like and the ones you dislike, then you can slowly weed out men who have the traits you dislike and find more men with the traits you like.

This is such an important process, and you will be better for it, so don’t discount it as busy work or silly.

Problems You May Experience

This won’t be a smooth process. You’ll find some things will sneak up on you as you try to re-enter the dating world.

But if you’re prepared for them, you’ll hopefully be able to manage them easier.

Guilt

While you may pass all of the tests when it comes to determining if you’re ready to date, that doesn’t mean that you won’t have a few moments of guilt one you date.

Know that you are not being unfaithful to your spouse by dating now.

If the roles were reversed, wouldn’t you want your husband to find someone to share the remainder of his life with?

That’s what your husband wants for you now too.

This is a normal reaction to what you’re going through but know that you are not being unfaithful.

It Might Be Hard to Love Again

If you wait until you’re ready to date again, this shouldn’t pop up for you, but if it does, it’s important to know that it’s normal.

You may need to step back from dating for a while and make sure you’re ready before you try again.

You Fear You Need to Stop Loving Your Husband

Your love for your husband is real and he will always hold a place in your heart, but you don’t need to stop loving him to find love with another man.

Remember, you aren’t replacing your husband. You’re finding new companionship. Your passion for your husband can remain in your life forever, as long as it isn’t so consuming that it keeps you from being happy.

Your Children May Object

Everyone processes grief differently. While you feel ready to date, your children might not be ready for you to date yet.

This is a delicate balance, especially if your children still live at home. Don’t dismiss their feelings. They’re still grieving.

For older children, explain that you’re ready to meet other men and enjoy the companionship that may come with it.

When you have younger children, they too are still grieving, but they might not understand all of their feelings.

Explain to your kids, regardless of their age, that any man you date won’t replace their father and reassure them that it’s okay for them to love their father and like a new man in your life.

Most importantly, don’t push them.

If your children still live at home, you shouldn’t be bringing these men to your home until you’ve made sure they’re respectable human beings who won’t hurt you or your children. The man you decide to commit to is the one who should meet your kids, not the guys you date just once or twice.

You Might Be Uncertain About Your Future Goals

You might go into dating again with the idea that you just want to find someone to do things with, like going to the movie or traveling.

Then, you find yourself in love with a new man and you need to reassess what you really do want.

If you find that you still just want a companion, not another husband, that’s okay, but tell the man in your life.

If he wants marriage and you don’t, you have to work through that together.

Take some time to really think about it if you find yourself with this dilemma. You don’t need to make a decision right away, and anyone who tries to force you to is putting his insecurities off on you.

You Want to Talk About Your Husband Too Much

It’s natural for your husband to still be on your mind, but hopefully, not all of the time. Still, you might find that you slip him into your conversations with your new dates too many times.

It may be time to step back for a couple of weeks and make sure you were truly ready to date again. Having him on your mind this much is something you should move past before you date.

Dating for Widows: Wrapping Up

Probably the most important thing you can do when you consider dating again is to make sure you’re a confident, strong woman who knows what she wants and is past the extreme grief of loss.

I didn’t really talk much about confidence, but it’s as important as any of the rest of the things you read.

Confident women attract great men. Women who lack confidence attract players and losers. We both want you to find great men, so here’s where you can read up on building your confidence.

Most importantly, be patient with yourself. If you find you aren’t ready, step back and wait a couple more weeks, then try again. Eventually, you’ll be ready and then you’ll find a great man!

The post Dating for Widows: How to Get Back Into dating as a widow appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.

Life Begins Outside Your Comfort Zone

We read it everywhere in memes and just straight text, Life Begins Outside Your Comfort Zone. But what does it really mean? Does anyone really implement this in their lives?

Staying with what you know feels safe and comfortable, but it doesn’t allow you to truly experience life at its fullest.

Moving past your comfort zone is scary as heck, but it can also be exhilarating and uplifting. Some folks never even have the desire to break out of their comfort zones. For one reason or another, they’re happy living the same day over and over.

This life isn’t exciting. It’s stagnant, leaving you no room for personal growth or advancement, and that’s fine if that’s what you’re looking for, but if you want to write a great story about your life, then it’s time to embrace stepping outside of your comfort zone!

Lucky for you, I’m here to step out with you! I’m ready if you are!

Why Life Begins Outside Your Comfort Zone

It’s human nature to be resistant to change, and yet, change comes along anyway. We can’t avoid it.

As you grow up, your life naturally changes. Your body changes. Your mind changes, and you hormones change. Once adulthood hits, your whole life changes. You might go to college or technical school, or you may just enter the job market and start your career.

But even that doesn’t usually stay the same. You work hard and get a promotion. Maybe at some point, you decide to change careers but if you’re too afraid to go for it, so you stay stuck right where you are.

You meet men and date a few. Those relationships ended in breakups, except maybe the one you’re in right now. Even that may or may not be the ideal relationship, but getting out of a bad relationship seems like more work than staying in, so many just stay.

There are opportunities for change every day and everywhere and we overlook many of them, usually out of fear.

Life Begins Where Boredom Ends

This is another way of saying life begins outside your comfort zone, but it’s a little clearer on what you’re escaping.

Have you ever awakened in the morning and felt low motivation to do anything? Putting your feet on the floor seems to be pointless.

This is caused by one of two things – either you’re bored with living the same day every day or you’re overwhelmed. Either way, stepping outside of your comfort zone can help.

Exiting your comfort zone brings a little discomfort with it because you’re trying something new, which is always scary.

But it’s that fear that you must bust through. It’s the fear that keeps you from exploring and living. It’s fear that keeps us stuck living the same day every day.

When you create a balance between living inside and outside your comfort zone, you’re not only busting through the fear, but you’re also adding excitement and diversity.

Time to Kick Some Routines to the Curb

There’s nothing wrong with having a routine, except that you aren’t stimulated. You wake up, take a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, and wander out to your car to drive to work. How many times have you wondered if you locked the door, turned off the coffee pot, or closed the garage door?

This is the routine talking. Those things are so automatic that you don’t even remember doing them. Your mind wasn’t challenged in the slightest. You probably even take the same path to work every morning and come home the same way at night.

Now, think about the last time you drove in a new city. Were you on autopilot? Heck no! You were paying very close attention to where you were and what you needed to do next. Your mind was stimulated and on high alert!

While it might have been a little nerve wracking at the time, you have to admit it was a little exciting too.

Stepping outside of your comfort zone also means breaking some routines. Instead of taking the highway to work, go down some side streets. Instead of the same place for coffee or lunch, try someplace new.

What’s Comfortable?

Comfortable things that you do all of the time. They’re familiar and somewhat regular in your life.

Family dinners, traditions like apple picking or going out for special occasions are all comfortable. There’s nothing wrong with these activities, especially if you enjoy them.

These activities are safe. You know what to expect, at least to some degree, and you know what the expected outcome is likely to be.

What’s Outside Comfortable?

Outside of comfortable doesn’t have to be dangerous. As you read in the section about routines, it can be as simple as breaking your routine.

But it can also be more. Outside of comfortable can be facing a fear, like a fear of heights or of spiders. Do something that you’ve always had churning in the back of your mind but were too afraid to do, like skydiving or bungee jumping. Go kayaking or white-water rafting.

Why Should You Step Out of Your Comfort Zone?

Your current world might feel just fine, but what if your world could improve? What if it could be exciting again? What if facing your fears opens up new opportunities?

New Opportunities

Let’s imagine you’re afraid of heights but you decide to face this fear. You begin facing this fear by climbing higher in the bleachers to watch your nephews baseball game. After that feels comfortable, you decide to walk along the edge of the railing on the second story at the local mall.

Once that feels comfortable, you decide to really go for it, and you choose another elevated activity like ziplining or walking across a tall bridge. Each of these things is so darn scary but exhilarating at the same time. You feel proud of yourself for reaching what are literally new heights.

The higher you go, the more confident you feel and the more exciting your life becomes. Who knows, you might even get into something like sky diving and really enjoy it.

You recognize what you’re capable of and that you’re capable of even more.

Growth

Imagine an athlete who never tries to grow. He doesn’t visit the weight room, so he physically doesn’t grow like his teammates and competitors. He barely puts forth any effort in practice, so he stays a mediocre player.

I’m a football fan, so I’m going to use that for an example. When I watch football at the beginning of the season, it’s always exciting to see who the breakout players will be. There are always rookies, as well as players from years past.

These guys challenge themselves and one another to be better. Rookies have something to prove, and the returning players have positions to win, year after year.

If you live in the comfort zone of doing the same things you did year over year, you aren’t going to get better, and in the case of sports, you probably won’t hold your position.

Even in life outside of sports, this is true. You’ve been working in your job for several years, but a new person right out of college just got hired to join your department. She’s hungry and energetic. You can see it in her eyes – she wants to climb to the top! She’s going to leave no stone unturned as she strives to meet her goals.

And guess what, one of those stones she plans to turn over is you. She’s learned new technologies. She’s studied the most recent trends and tools for your line of work. She’s fresh and young and eager.

If you want to hold onto your job, you’re going to have to face change. You’ll need to learn those new technologies and tools. You’ll need to show that you still have the eagerness and energy to do your job, or one even higher up the food chain.

Problem Solving

Change often presents a problem, sometimes unforeseen. When you sit stagnant in your comfort zone, the solution might not be obvious to you. In fact, you might not feel that there’s any way out.

But if you reach beyond your comfort zone, you realize that there are solutions all around you. Your mind creatively seeks solutions that weren’t apparent.

Pushing past your comfort zone inspires this creative problem solving. You experience the world in new ways and see things from different perspectives. This opens your mind up to seeing things you wouldn’t have seen before.

To problem solve, you often need to reach beyond that comfort zone to learn new things, experience new things, and even live in new places. Sometimes, these things happen so quickly that you don’t even have time to think about how scary it is. You just go.

The Yerkes-Dodson Law

The Yerkes-Dodson Law states that performance increases as stress increases, and it decreases as stress decreases.

This law was developed by two scientists, Robert Yerkes and John Dillingham Dodson and it dates all the way back to 1908, but it’s age doesn’t decrease its validity.

What the law means is that when you’re living in your comfort zone, or with little stress, your performance is low, relatively speaking, but if you inject some stress or change, your performance increases.

I know a woman who challenged herself to run one race every month for a year. Her main goal was weight loss.

The problem is that she’d never been a runner before, so she had to start at zero and work her way up. Since her first race had to be in the first month of her training, she had no time to waste. She started running right away, even though the distances weren’t that long at first. Her first race was a small one and by race day, she’d run enough to finish.

To add to her success, she lost weight as well. Bonus! In the second month, she was planning to run a longer race, but she didn’t change her training very much, and by race day, she felt ill prepared.

She realized that to compete in the future races, she needed to push herself further – or in Yerkes-Dodson terms, apply stress. She ran farther and faster and by the third month’s race, she felt good about her chances.

By the end of the year, she’d hit her goal of one race per month and she lost one-hundred pounds, and she did it by continuously applying stress. She ran a full marathon by the end the year!

Rise to Above Average

Living an average life is okay, but it’s not fun or exciting. It’s average – mundane even. Who wants to be mundane?

People who are afraid, that’s who!

But you’re a woman who wants to either find a great guy or keep the great guy you have now. Average won’t do.

Why?

Men Like Mystery

Men crave mystery. That’s why a guy in a new relationship seems so excited. Yes, he’s attracted to you, but he’s also excited by the mystery of learning about you.

This is where many women go wrong early in relationships, or in online relationships. They tell too much too soon, and the mystery vanishes as quickly as it came about.

Instead of spilling your entire life story in the first three dates, or worse yet, before you actually meet, share bits of yourself each time you go out. If you’re still chatting online, spill very little. Give him tidbits until you figure out that he isn’t catfishing and until you meet him in person.

The truth is that if you have enough time in a date to spill that much about yourself it either means the date was too long or you talked too much, probably out of nerves.

When you meet a new guy and go out on dates, share little stories. Don’t try to impress him with outlandish stores that may or may not even be true. Try something like this, “Wow, that’s great that you love to travel. I’m trying to see how many stamps I can get in my passport.”

You didn’t outline every country you’ve been to or even how many stamps you may have now. You merely mentioned a challenge or goal you’ve made. He’s intrigued. It’s mystery.

How to keep a man interested

Men Also Love Challenge

When I say challenge here, I don’t mean being difficult. You need to kick him out of his complacency and boredom by changing things up a bit.

Get back into the social life you gave up when you started dating this guy.

Revisit the hobbies you had before he came along.

Get back to being the woman he fell in love with. You challenged him then. You may have been harder to get a date with because you had other plans. This challenges a guy to do better for you, to be important enough to find time on your schedule.

In the movie, Last Holiday, Georgia Byrd, played by Queen Latifah, finds out she’s going to die, so she sets out to do as many things on her wish list as possible. Meanwhile, Sean Matthews, the guy she’s dreaming of, played by LL Cool J, decides to act on his attraction to her.

The key line in the movie, for this discussion anyway, is when he approaches her for a date, soon after she finds out she’s about to die. He says, “I know you’re a busy woman, so I wanted to get on your schedule as soon as I could.” Or something along those lines. This is a guy who knows he’s interested in a woman who’s busy. He’s working to get on her schedule.

You’re Writing a Great Story

When you are mysterious and challenging, you’re automatically writing your story. Your story is ongoing and filled with all of the things you do. Taking a trip adds a chapter to your story. Having hobbies adds to your story. Going back to college in your 40’s adds to your story.

Your goal should be to keep writing your story by experiencing new things, meeting new people, enjoying your hobbies, and so on.

Your story gives you interesting things to talk about on a date. It also keeps the mystery and challenge alive.

You Achieve Your Goals

Everyone dreams of a different life. Celebrities dream of going out with their kids and not having twenty people ask for autographs. Young people dream of having that life. Some people dream of not worrying about money every day. Other people dream of a new house or a new car.

It’s natural to dream, but why not turn those dreams into goals?

My funny story about reaching a goal

But reaching for and achieving goals requires you to recognize that life begins outside your comfort zone. If you did it all of the time, you wouldn’t need to set a goal for it.

How great would it feel to actually have some of your dreams come true?

You Build Confidence

When you challenge yourself by trying to live outside your comfort zone or achieving new goals, you automatically become more confident.

Your belief in yourself grows, and that’s the definition of confidence. Belief that you can do something.

The best part is that the guys you should want to date are the confident men, and those men only date confident women. Relationships sometimes fall apart when confidence falls away.

You’re More Resilient

Living beyond your comfort zone means living with some discomfort, but many people avoid this discomfort at all costs.

However, once you experience some discomfort and recognize that you can live with a feeling of discomfort, you become more resilient.

The next time something a little uncomfortable comes along, you aren’t as afraid because you know you’ve lived through it before and that you’re a better person for it.

You Feel More in Control of Your Life

Once you set and achieve goals, build your confidence, and become more resilient, you feel more in control of your life. You understand that more of your life is within your control than you ever imagined.

You understand that you’re steering the ship and your life can look more like what you’ve imagined all along. It’s empowering!

Why It’s Hard to Leave Your Comfort Zone

If this was easy, you wouldn’t be here. You’d be out busting the walls of your comfort zone.

Leaving your comfort zone requires applying that stress you read about above. It requires you to swallow some anxiety and push past fear.

Those aren’t easy things to do.

It also requires you to challenge the way you think and blow past limiting beliefs that are holding you back.

You must become mentally immune to fear and pain, recognize that they’re fleeing emotions, just like joy and happiness can be.

I like to equate negative emotions to leaves floating on a stream. They approach and you may or may not see them coming, then they come closer and get right in front of you. You can reach out and touch them, but they continue to float by, unless you pluck them out of the water and hold onto them. Once you let them go, they float away, as smoothly as they arrived.

The problem is when you pull them out of the water and keep them, instead of letting them float away, they begin to rot and decay instead of adding to your life.

How to Live Outside Your Comfort Zone

Sometimes a situation comes along that requires you to step outside of your comfort zone and you don’t have a choice.

But when you’re in the driver’s seat, what can you do?

Set Goals

You read about this above and I have a whole workbook you can buy for less than a cup of coffee.

Plan to Succeed

A goal is a written statement, an intention. But you need more. You need a plan. What are the steps you need to take to reach that goal?

What obstacles might you encounter? How can you overcome them?

By planning for success, you organize your thoughts and recognize any shifts necessary in the timeline of your goal.

ACT!

There is a space between wanting something and having it, and that space is filled with either action or the lack of action.

It’s that action or inaction that defines whether you launch yourself out of your comfort zone or remain in it.

Plans are great, but they’re nothing without acting.

Be Flexible

When things need adjustment, don’t give up. Adjust. If you need more time to reach a goal, extend your timeline. If you want to shoot a little higher, adjust the goal a little higher.

Many people give up on their goals once the first trip-up happens. You weigh in and you didn’t lose as much weight as you wanted in that timeframe, so you quit.

Instead of quitting, adjust. Do you need to exercise more? Are you eating as well as you can?

Don’t quit. Adjust.

Continue Making New Goals

Once you meet a goal, set a new one. Never stop. Having goals is an ongoing thing. Set one and meet it, then set another. Better yet, go after more than one at a time!

Challenge yourself and write that great story!

Remember, goals help you build confidence and high confidence gets you the best of the men out there!

Life Begins Outside Your Comfort Zone – That’s a Wrap!

Hopefully by now, you’re ready to launch out of your comfort zone. You see the wisdom of facing fears and staring them down. You understand the value of setting goals and reaching them.

The benefits of living outside of your comfort zone far outweigh staying inside that comfort zone.

There is so much life out there to live, so face those fears, set those goals, and get out there! The next chapter of your story is just waiting to be written, and a great guy is out there waiting to hear it!

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Long Distance Relationship Activities

Long distance relationship activities help keep you connected and building intimacy when you can’t be together. At first glance, it might seem as if there aren’t many things you can do to stay close while you’re separated by many miles. Let’s dig in!

Long Distance Relationship Activities for Date Night

I’m a firm believer in date nights. They give you and your partner the opportunity to spend time alone together, whether it’s at home watching a movie or out on the town.

But how can you have a date night if you’re in a long-distance relationship?

Romantic Dinner Date

This isn’t about getting into your sweats after work, doing a zoom call and eating some take out. Instead, you can order one of those meals to go from one of the many places that have popped up online. Get everything heated up and ready to enjoy.

Set the scene with a beautifully set table. Bonus points if you both have the same dinnerware. Light some candles and put on your fanciest attire. This date is about feeling special.

My recommendation for these dates is to have a no technology rule, but clearly that won’t work in this situation, so limit your technology to what’s required to connect – an iPad or your phones.

Then you treat this like any other date. Talk about your week. Make plans for the next time you see one another or reminisce about a recent time when you were together.

Cooking Dinner Date

This one is a little different than the romantic date. This time, you agree on a recipe and gather your ingredients, each in your respective homes. Make sure you’ve set a nice table and that you have everything you need to cook your delicious meal.

Then you cook together. Laugh, share your goofs and spills. Enjoy this time together as if you were cooking side by side.

Once you each have your meal prepared, sit down to enjoy. I wouldn’t force nice clothes on this one unless you give one another time to change so you don’t mess them up while cooking.

If you love to cook together, this is a great way to share some quality time.

Dinner Out

I know, you live in different cities, but unless you’re new to this, I bet you have favorite places in both cities where you like to eat. You each go to a favorite place, making sure you have headphones and your phone so you can disturb other guests as little as possible.

Then sit and enjoy your meals together. Treat it like any other date night. You’re just having a conversation the same as the others in the restaurant, except they can’t hear the other side of it.

Video Game Date Night

If you’re both into video games, why not have a video game date night? There are many games where you can play with or against one another.

Alternatively, you can enjoy some fun competition, which all men enjoy. Compete against him to see who can earn more points or get to a certain level first.

There are tons of ways to make a video game date night work!

Book Club Date Night

Many couples enjoy reading books together. Even if you’re dating someone who lives close by, this can be fun.

Choose a topic you’re both interested in and then discuss. The topic can be anything from something racy and wild to something more educational or creative.

If you share a hobby, you might read up on that hobby. If you enjoy mysteries, see who can guess who-dun-it first.

Board Game Date Night

If video games aren’t your thing, why not try a board game night. Make sure you both have the same game and then set it to move one another’s pieces on your board as you play.

Each time you choose this type of date night, you switch who gets to choose the game.

These types of dates are great for building intimacy as there’s a great chance to laugh and poke at one another playfully.

Movie Night Date

Pop some popcorn and get some candy and soda ready for a movie night! Find the same movie online and watch. Sure, you aren’t snuggled up together under the blanket, but you can still enjoy the time together.

Wine Tasting Date Night

If you both enjoy wine, find a company that will send samplers to your door. This way, you can both sample the same wines and share your opinions of them.

It might help to prepare yourselves some appetizers or a charcuterie tray to dull the effects of the wine.

Other Long Distance Relationship Activities

Maybe you don’t want to do a date night. Perhaps you’d rather do something together during the day. Sounds good to me! Let’s find some ideas!

Visit a Local Museum

If you live in a small town, you might have to travel a little bit to find a museum, but if you’re both into art, it’s a great way to spend time together.

On one occasion, you visit a museum near you and the next time you want to do a museum date, visit one nearer to him.

Work on a Hobby

As you may know, I’m a huge proponent of hobbies, and an even bigger fan of having a shared hobby as a couple.

Why not spend some time together on a shared hobby? Let’s imagine he’s into vintage cars and you are a blogger. You can combine your hobbies to create a vintage car blog.

You can even visit vintage car shows, either virtually or physically enjoying them together. This is a great way to share something you both love, and it builds intimacy.

There are many other ways to either share the same hobby or combine two hobbies to make one you enjoy together.

Take a Walk Together

Why not get a little exercise while you spend time together? Go on a walk in your respective cities. Choose a local park or if you have a vibrant downtown, walk there. You can choose an early morning walk during which you can enjoy the sunrise or wait until evening and watch the sunset.

You can even combine this with an activity like a flea market or an antique show, car show, or other event you both enjoy.

Indoor Camping Trip

I don’t think I could send a woman out alone to camp, but I have no problem suggesting that you do an indoor camping trip! If you don’t have a wood fireplace, get one of those little burners you use to keep food hot and toast marshmallows there.

Of course, you can also use your stovetop, but that feels like cheating. Get your sleeping bag, some blankets to make a tent, and even a flashlight and settle in for an evening of camping together.

Play Twenty Questions

If your relationship is new, ask one another questions that will help you get to know one another better.

The depth of these questions will depend on how new your relationship is, of course. The longer you’ve known one another, the more personal your questions can be.

This is a great way to learn more about one another as your relationship grows.

Bake Together

Baking is one of those activities that works, even if you don’t consider yourself to be a great baker. In fact, the goofs will be as much fun as the successful results.

Lucky for you, you’ll only have to clean up your own flour mess!

Plan a Virtual Trip Together

Since most of your travel expenses are saved for visiting one another, why not take a virtual trip? Decide on a destination and then assemble what you need to feel like you’re actually there. What clothing would you wear? What food would you eat? How is the scenery there different from where you are? What music would you hear? What landmarks would you visit? Learn what you can about the places you might go.

Once you’ve both gathered your supplies, it’s time for your trip. Dress in the clothing you would wear and put on the appropriate music. Then, talk about the places you want to visit. Check out photos online and enjoy the local scenery.

This type of date will be as successful as the amount of time you’re willing to put into it. You can extend this activity out over a few phone calls, visiting a different landmark each time.

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Send one another care packages to arrive at about the same time. The challenge will be waiting until you’re talking together to unbox them!

One by one, reveal what’s inside your boxes. You can set a theme, like baking or a creative hobby, or you can just fill them with the things you both enjoy.

This is fun because you have the added benefit of seeing one another’s faces as you unbox these treasures.

Plan a Late-Night Chat

Remember when you were first dating, and you stayed up half the night talking? Why not plan a late-night chat where you just talk like you did before?

You might want to catch a nap earlier in the day, so you don’t fall asleep on your date. 😊

Sign Up for Subscription Boxes

There are tons of subscription boxes out there these days. Why not sign up for one that you’ll both enjoy? Once both of your boxes arrive, you can do the activity together.

This is a great way to share a hobby or build your skills, not to mention a great way to grow together. If you can’t find one that you’d both enjoy, you can each sign up for one you’ll enjoy and work on them at the same time.

Enjoy a Spa Night (or Day) Together

Fill a tub with tons of great-smelling bubbles or bath salts, put some candles out and get some calming music, then kick off your spa day or night together. Make sure you both have the supplies for a facial and maybe even a way to do a pedicure or manicure.

Relaxing together, even if at a distance, creates a calm and peaceful environment where you can enjoy one another’s company without the pressure of conversation or being ‘on’. Simply relax and enjoy the time.

Next Visit Countdown

If your next visit isn’t for a while, why not create a countdown? You can set up a time to have date nights or activities at specific markers, like a week away, two weeks away, etc. Make some sort of countdown calendar so you can watch the days tick away.

Enjoy a Concert Together

Many performers put their shows online these days, so why not plan to watch a concert for a favorite band or performer?

You can do this for a comedian, a band, or even an orchestra or other type of performance. It’s all out there online now.

Take a Class Together

With sites like Skillshare, Udemy and others out there, you can each take a class online to learn just about anything. This is a great way to learn a hobby or just grow your skills in something you already know.

If you’re wanting to start a business together, there are tons of classes you can take. In fact, I’m sure that if you want to learn it, there’s an online class somewhere to teach it.

Long Distance Relationship Activities Wrap Up

While it’s great to see one another in person, when too many miles separate you, it can be cost prohibitive to spend a lot of time together.

Instead, use these activities to connect in between visits. Many, if not all of these ideas have the potential for you to build intimacy, even if you aren’t physically together.

Twenty years from now, it will be fun to say, “Remember that date when we baked cookies together? Yours were all brown and crispy while mine weren’t cooked enough. That was so much fun!”

Building lasting memories together doesn’t require you to be in one another’s physical space, it just requires you to do something together and with today’s technology, it’s easier than ever.

Don’t wait to see one another in person to build memories. Take time during the week when you’re apart to build some in then too!

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Love is a Verb: How to Improve your relationship with action

Relationships falter and arguments occur because people don’t understand one fundamental truth: love is a verb.

Yes, love is a feeling. You can be in love with someone, but ultimately, to maintain a happy relationship, you must recognize that love is a verb. An action.

In the early stages of a relationship, acting on your feelings is natural, in fact, it can feel overwhelming. The chemistry and the hormones created by the feeling of love kick in and you want to do things for one another.

He may bring you flowers or offer to walk your dog. You might stick a note in his computer bag when he isn’t looking or make his favorite meal.

These are actions that show your love for one another.

This is how men show their love all of the time, but women are more verbal.

The breakdown later in a relationship comes because you want to hear the words I love you while he’s busy showing you that he loves you. You don’t understand that his actions, to him, are very telling of how he feels and you think he doesn’t love you.

I see it time and time again. I’ve written on it a few times.

Men love in different ways

How will I know if he really loves me?

Let’s first dig into how man and women fall in love differently.

Men and Women Fall in Love Differently

The differences between men and women when it comes to love are clear right from the very first.

From the very first moment you meet a guy, you share experiences. These experiences sometimes enable your body to create certain neurotransmitters, which, in turn, creates a feeling of love.

But here’s the kicker. Men and women require different neurotransmitters to fall in love. Who knew?

It turns out that men require three neurotransmitters to fall in love while women only require two.

Women’s Neurotransmitters vs. Men’s

For a woman, dopamine and oxytocin are required for that loving feeling to be created. These chemicals must build up in your system to a certain level for you to feel attraction and ultimately fall in love.

Men, as I mentioned, require three neurotransmitters: testosterone, vasopressin, and dopamine. These combine to enable him become attracted to you, bond with you, and ultimately commit to a relationship with you.

How Neurotransmitters Impact the Speed of Falling in Love

Dopamine is the neurotransmitter both men and women need for love, but they need them differently.

For women, they fall in love when their dopamine and oxytocin levels reach a certain level. Oxytocin increases faster than dopamine for women.

In the case of men, all three neurotransmitters must be present. Testosterone shoots up, then the increase nearly levels off, going up much slower. Vasopressin shoots up, then goes through a period of increasing and decreasing before shooting up again to meet up with the testosterone. Dopamine takes a slower journey, going up slightly, leveling off, then increasing slightly again before finally increasing at a more rapid rate.

The end result is that women’s chemicals reach peak level faster than men’s levels. It can be frustrating for a woman who’s sure her guy is in love with her but isn’t showing it yet. The truth is you beat him to it.

If you can be patient and give him time, his levels will get there too. If you push him too hard without accepting that he’s moving slower, you run the risk of pushing him away.

The Neurotransmitters & How They Work

You may recognize dopamine as the ‘feel good’ chemical. It’s something your body produces every time you’re doing something you enjoy. Rewards like food, sex, and drugs increase your dopamine. You like how it makes you feel and you want more of it.

Testosterone, as you probably have heard, makes men into men. It gives him the drive to chase a woman he finds attractive. His levels shoot up and the pursuit is on. It will ultimately be the chemical that makes him want to claim you as his own and to commit to a relationship with you.

Oxytocin is sometimes called the love hormone. It not only creates a loving bond between men and women, but also mothers and their children. It’s also a hormone released after you experience an orgasm.

Vasopressin is found in men who are attracted to a woman. It’s this that makes a man feel like he can count on you. He produces it when he overcomes a challenge or stressful situation. It’s vasopressin that helps men see people as team players.

The challenge with the timing of the male vs female chemicals is that for women, love feels risky and causes anxiety because it happens so quickly. The fact that the man is falling in love slower adds to her anxiety, making this time in between you both falling in love feel very stressful. Patience is the necessary element for success.

Love is a Verb: Moving Past the Science

Okay, now that we’re done with the sciency stuff, it’s time to get into the meat of our discussion.

Men and Women Send and Receive Love Differently

I get emails all of the time from women who are afraid their guy doesn’t love them, and yet, when I dig in, I often find that their guy is 100% in love with them, and they just don’t see it.

Look For Small Gestures

Men show love through small gestures, like taking you out to lunch or doing small chores. A man might take your car for an oil change or get up early with the kids so you can sleep in on a weekend morning.

It’s these small gestures that show his love for you. He’s trying to ease your load or make your life easier in some way.

Watch for Signs of Vulnerability

Men aren’t raised to show their soft underbelly to anyone. Being a macho man means showing anger or aggression and facing dangerous situations. Emotional vulnerability is a sign of weakness.

Because of this, sometimes all a man can say to you is, “Wow, Babe, you look great.” It’s all he is able to share in that moment.

And then, you’ll find in other moments that he opens up a little bit and shares something, making him feel very exposed and vulnerable.

How you react in these moments is crucial. If you ignore it or worse, demean him for it, it won’t happen again for a very long time, if ever. But, if you treasure this moment for the rare gift that it is, you’ll find more of them in the future.

Ask questions and validate whatever feelings he’s sharing with you. It might even help to share something that makes you feel vulnerable sometime soon after as well.

The more he feels accepted by you, the more likely he’ll be to share that soft underbelly at another time.

Let Him Navigate His Emotions How He Needs to

Because sharing his emotions probably isn’t a familiar feeling for him, he might not always want to talk about something that’s bothering him.

If you sense he’s battling something, don’t push. If he asks to be left alone, let him have his time, but if he doesn’t, suggest going for a walk or out to eat. Sometimes these activities will help him feel like he can open up.

The key is to suggest but not force. Most of the time, if you let him sort things out on his own, he will share what was bothering him with you later. He just needs time to process what happened and find a solution.

The Pursuit of Intimacy

Men and women also see intimacy differently. For a man, emotional intimacy often comes through sexual intimacy. In other words, being invited to have sex with you makes him feel more emotionally connected to you. This is because men are more physical, and touch is often powerful for them.

Women, on the other hand, find sexual intimacy through emotional intimacy. Your desire to feel wanted and emotionally safe helps you feel more open to sex.

While it’s the opposite for you, it doesn’t mean they’re oppositional to one another. They’re actually complimentary traits.

So, what does this mean? It means that you should be more intentional with physical affection. Kiss his neck. Rub his back. Hold his hand. It won’t always lead to sex, so don’t be afraid that if you hold his hand he’ll want to jump in the sack. He requires affection too, and this is how you can give it to him.

Face to Face Interaction vs Side by Side

Intimacy isn’t just sex. It’s the little moments you share together, but you experience them differently than men do.

For women, face to face communication is more meaningful, while for a man, doing something side by side feels intimate.

For example, a man can say to you, “You’re really beautiful” and it will be meaningful to you, but if you reciprocate and say, “And you’re quite handsome tonight”, he won’t feel that same boost.

Instead, he will enjoy doing something with you, like cooking or working on a hobby. I often encourage women to take interest in their guys’ hobbies and this is why. He will enjoy doing something with you than he will whatever pretty words you say to him.

Behaviors of Love vs Emotions

What does anger mean to you? Is it when someone pulls out in front of you in traffic? Is it when someone lies to you? Is it when your sister steals your favorite boots, then gets them dirty?

And what about love? You love hamburgers. You love your new purse, and you love your dog. Do you consider all of these different loves as being the same?

When we think of love as an emotion, it becomes harder to define because everyone defines their emotions differently. Abuse to you might be someone slapping you across the face, while to someone else, that isn’t abuse, but being punched in the gut is.

So, when we instead consider the idea of love is a verb, it becomes definable. It’s an action. It’s something you do to show another person that you admire and love them.

Just today, my mother asked me if I was tired of taking care of her. I didn’t even flinch before I said, “No!” and I meant it. I love my mother and I would do anything for her. I feel the same way about my sisters. I would do anything for any of them. And I often do.

My actions show my love.

Think about it this way. It’s easy to say the words, “I love you” and perhaps the person saying them doesn’t even mean what they’re saying. But, to show someone you love them through your actions takes effort and energy. You’re taking time out of your schedule to focus on helping them.

Isn’t that so much more meaningful than just blurting out some words?

Wrapping Up: Take Love off of Autopilot

Too many times, once a relationship has moved past a commitment stage and you’re a year or two, maybe more, into it, love goes on autopilot.

“He knows I love him.”

Yes, somewhere deep down inside, he probably does know, but that doesn’t mean you stop showing him and vice versa.

By doing things for your loved ones, including your partner, you’re putting your precious time and energy into something selfless for someone else. It’s a true act of love and sacrifice, no matter how small it may seem.

The trick is to continue doing things for one another, and these actions don’t need to be grandiose. Put a note in his briefcase or computer bag that says something sweet or promises a treat later, like his favorite cookies or meal.

Run his clothes to the dry cleaner or pick them up. Get his car washed or fill up the gas tank. If he’s bogged down at work, do one of his chores for him or bring him dinner.

Keep the love going by doing things that show your appreciation for one another. Don’t put love on autopilot and expect it to survive because it won’t.

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Learn how to put pennies in the jar, how to communicate effectively and how to fight fair, all inside this great book!

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Don’t Fall Victim To Quitter’s Day This Year

Quitter’s Day is the second Friday after New Year’s Day every year. It is the day by which most New Year’s Resolutions have been abandoned.

Fewer than ten percent of people who set resolutions in the new year actually accomplish their goals. Only twenty-five percent stay committed for more than thirty days.

That means you could be in the 75-90% of people who, while well intentioned, give up on your goals in less than 30 days.

Why? Why do people give up so quickly?

Let’s look into the whole idea of New Year’s Resolutions and Quitter’s Day.

How to Start the New Year Right

New Year’s Resolutions – The Roots

We have the ancient Babylonians to partially thank for today’s custom of setting resolutions.

To make a very long story short, they promised to placate the temperamental gods of their time by vowing to pay debts or return borrowed equipment. They celebrated the Akita festival, which lasted several days, and was held around their new year in March.

The Romans, a few thousand years later, now celebrating the new year on January 1, tried to enter each new year on a positive note.

However, we can trace our current New Year’s customs to the 17th and 18th century Puritans who colonized America. In 1740, John Wesley, the founder of the Methodist church, introduced a Covenant Renewal Service, which he viewed as an alternative to more rowdy celebrations. During this celebration, they sang hymns, had night watch services, and reflected on the year past.

Jonathan Edwards, a New England theologian created a list of seventy resolutions over a period of a few years. His resolutions included actions like treating people with kindness and avoiding gossip.

If we travel back in time just a bit, we find the diaries of Anne Halkett, who wrote a list of her intentions for the new year under the heading of resolutions. Since she used the word resolutions, it’s believed it was a more wide-spread concept.

Quitter’s Day – The Roots

By the time we creep into the nineteenth century, we see magazines and newspapers poking fun at the inability of people to keep their resolutions. Some articles claimed that people ‘sinned all through the month of December’ just to have all of their misdeeds tossed aside and get a fresh start in the new year.

In the later 1800’s, newspapers often published the names of citizens and the resolutions they’d made, many of which were religious in nature up to this point.

In the twentieth century, resolutions were a regular occurrence at the turn of a new year, but many were no longer religiously based. This meant a language change, among other things. For example, instead of avoiding gluttony, which would be a more religious resolution, today, we vow to eat healthy.

Regardless of what you call it, there were resolutions and many of them were broken.

That means it’s time to examine why there is not only a long history of making resolutions but of breaking them as well.

Is There a Secret to Staying with New Year’s Resolutions?

Why Do Most People Fail to Keep their Resolutions?

We’ve established that it seems to be human nature to both set and break resolutions, but why? Why can’t we be successful?

Quitters Day Happens to Those Who Are Too Lofty

Let’s step back a couple of weeks. People tend to get very introspective at the end of the year. We start looking back on the past year and we realize that we didn’t accomplish what we wanted to, so we vow to do better?

Does this sound familiar at all? The more frustrated or dejected you are over the year past, the more likely you are to want to make dramatic changes.

This leads to goals that might be too lofty or ambitious. Maybe you’re unhappy with your weight. You might decide that the new year is your time for change.

Congratulations! This is an awesome goal. Even the fittest people set goals to be healthy. But perhaps your goal is a little too ambitious. Usually this happens when you want to lose too much weight too fast.

Other common goals are more travel, improving personal relationships, adding a fitness regimen, or learning something new.

What Can You Do?

The best way to make sure your resolution isn’t too ambitious is to do a little research. There are many roadblocks to any goal, but if you know about them ahead of time, you can plan for them.

For example, it’s just harder to lose weight during the ‘eating holidays’, which are, for many, Thanksgiving and Christmas. It can also be harder to lose weight if you travel frequently or eat many meals out.

Knowing this, you can plan accordingly by determining what is healthy to eat during the holidays, cutting your portions, and so on. As for travel, make a vow to yourself to choose healthier options or share portions with a travel cohort.

If you eat out a lot right now, perhaps get yourself a cookbook, which is probably cheaper than the cost of eating one meal out and look for healthy options there.

You can also learn how much weight is a reasonable amount to lose in a week or month. There are tons of articles out there on this topic and the topic of weight loss. Speak to friends who’ve lost weight and ask how they succeeded.

Resolutions Fail When You Feel Pressured to Make Them

As many as 62% (64% of women) report that they felt pressured to make their resolutions. The pressure might come from close friends, or society in general. You might even be taking a class where you’ve been given an assignment to write your resolutions.

A resolution you’re forced to make will never work because your heart isn’t in it. For many people, being coerced into doing something can automatically create a level of resistance and rebellion.

This is a natural response. Nobody likes being forced to do something, even if the pressure is coming from society, and not someone closer to you. That need to be part of the crowd sucks you in, then you soon regret acting on impulse.

What Can You Do?

Don’t cave to peer or societal pressure. It’s okay to say, “You know, resolutions really aren’t my thing. I think I’d rather not.”

If someone keeps pressuring you, recognize that you just set a boundary – no resolutions for me please – and they’re trying to crash it. Use the rule of threes. Say no, kindly, three times. If the person persists, extricate yourself from the situation, “I think I’m going to head out now so you can get to work on your resolutions. I’ll talk to you later.”

If you’re feeling pressure on a larger scale – like everyone you know on TikTok has posted their resolutions and you feel you should, step back and evaluate why you feel the need to conform.

This can come from a place of low confidence. The need to follow the crowd instead of being yourself shows that you’re trying to fit in, regardless of your own values or beliefs. This isn’t the genuine you, so stop it.

The people who love you love you for who you are when you’re truly being yourself. Society at large is filled with many people you don’t know and will never run into anyway. Who cares what they think?

In either case, friend or society, work on building your confidence so you feel less of an urge to conform to their standards and more willing to be true to yourself.

Besides, the truth is that only about 30% of Americans make resolutions anyway. Some of these people might just be faking it anyway!

Quitters Day Happens to Those Who Don’t Follow Through

Okay, so you want to set a resolution, and you do, but then what? Does someone wave a magic wand and *poof* your resolution happens right before your very eyes?

Um. No.

The first thing you should do is change your language. Resolutions are really goals, and the sooner you start calling them goals, the more likely you’ll be to follow through.

But it isn’t just a language difference, it’s a difference of dedication and motivation.

My Funny Story About Setting a Goal

What Can You Do? Set Goals

Once you call your resolutions goals, it’s time to treat them as goals. Set a quantifiable goal, meaning give it a number.

I want to lose weight isn’t quantifiable.

I want to lose 50 pounds is quantifiable.

Next, determine the timeline for your goal. If you allow for 2.5 pounds a week, 50 pounds will take you 20 weeks.

Your next step is to determine if this is an attainable goal for you. Is 2.5 pounds a week reasonable? There may be weeks when you lose more and weeks when you lose less, but generally speaking, this is probably a good goal.

After this, you need to decide if this goal is relevant to your life. Does this goal fit in with your overall values and priorities? Maybe you had a health scare last year and it’s motivated you to be healthier. Then it would definitely be relevant.

And lastly, know why you chose this goal. Without knowing why you want to achieve a goal, it’s harder to stay dedicated.

Some experts recommend that you share your goals with someone who can hold you accountable. This varies for everyone.

For some people, studies have shown that the mere sharing of the goal takes the excitement out and people don’t follow through. For others, they want someone along on their journey.

Do You Need a Mentor?

One final recommendation I have is to set rewards – this turns your SMART goal into a SMARTR goal. Rewards can be motivating if you set the right rewards up in advance. Just make sure your reward doesn’t undermine your goal. A donut is a poor reward for a weight loss goal. Spending $300 on a spa day is a bad idea for a goal to save money.

Your Resolution Fails Because You Lose the Excitement

Some find it exciting to set resolutions. You get caught up in the wave of New Year’s fresh start talk and before you know it, you’re making resolutions like crazy.

Then, a few days later, you’re back to work and the kids are back to school and real life sets in again. The excitement fades and those resolutions just don’t seem as exciting anymore.

What Can You Do?

Make sure the goals you set are meaningful to you. You just read about this in the last section. A goal that has meaning in your life is more motivating than one you just randomly set out of the excitement of a fresh start.

Follow the steps that you just read above and pursue your goals the right way. If, in the process of planning your goal, you find it doesn’t excite you any longer, set it aside for later in the year.

Quitter’s Day – The Second Friday of January

Quitter’s Day is the name given to the second Friday in January and there’s a good reason for that. Fridays are more difficult for goals.

Fridays are lead-ins to the weekend where inhibitions can be tossed out the window. You’re out with friends or you’re home, closer to negative influences. You have more time to shop and spend money as well.

Fridays are also days when, if people decide they’ve already failed at their goal, why now just blow the whole weekend? They vow to reset on Monday, but when Monday comes around, they either forget or just don’t want to.

What Can You Do?

Set realistic goals, as you’ve already read. This is actually the solution for many of these Quitter’s Day problems, in case you hadn’t already noticed.

Next, plan out your weekends and make sure you have time to work on your goal, or fill your weekend so you’re not bored and more likely to give up on your goal. If we stick to the weight loss goal, make sure you have healthy options at home with few unhealthy options to choose instead.

If your goal is financial, fill your weekend with activities that keep you out of the malls and off of the Amazon app. Do some spring cleaning. Invite a friend over for a movie marathon. Spend time with an elderly relative, helping them do things around their home. Volunteer somewhere.

And finally, use the weekends to track your progress and give yourself a pat on the back for what you accomplished.

Maybe you didn’t lose 2.5 pounds this week, but you lost 1.8. Celebrate that – it’s a win! Perhaps you had a financial emergency and couldn’t save as much from your paycheck as you wanted, but you saved a little. That’s still a win!

That’s a Wrap on Quitter’s Day!

I hope you set goals that motivate you throughout the new year. While statistics tell me that you’re more likely to give up, I’m hoping you’ve read enough about goals on this website alone to help you understand how to be successful.

Confident women aren’t quitters! If you are questioning your own ability to follow through, I encourage you to boost your confidence. You’ll soon feel more motivated to work on those goals, and it’s a circular effect. The more goals you achieve, the higher your confidence. The higher your confidence, the more motivated you are to work on your goals!

Learn how to set life-changing goals – the kind of goals you won’t drop in 48 hours – with this awesome workbook! Just click the button below to start today!

This workbook will walk you through setting goals that are meaningful to you and will help you improve your life in ways you never imagined!

Stop sitting by, watching others achieve their goals. In fact, forget about them! This is about you and your new-found ability to have the life you want. 

The workbook is a digital download, so once you complete your purchase, which is less than a cup of coffee, you will be on. your way!

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Advice on relationships for women

Nobody ever gives us advice on relationships as we grow up. We learn by example, or we wing it if we don’t really have an example to go by.

This is unfortunate because it often means we go into relationships clueless as to how to make them great.

Today, I’d like to share some advice on relationships that I’ve gathered over the years through various forms of research. I hope you find these tips useful in your own relationships.

Best Advice on Relationships – Learn How to Communicate

Poor communication is one of the leading problems in relationships. Oh, we know how to speak our minds well enough, but what many people don’t know how to do is listen.

Often, we’re too busy trying to best the other person or plead our case to truly listen to what’s being said.

This is especially true when the discussion is more of an argument.

In my book, The Power to Communicate, you learn about different communication styles and how you can communicate with people who are often difficult to talk to. Knowledge is power!

When you’re in a romantic relationship, especially when the relationship is new, you might be afraid to speak out about something that’s bothering you, but this isn’t fair to you, or your partner.

Of course, part of the male-female communication challenge lies in understanding different communication styles you both have.

Men use few words, and the few words they use are effective and efficiently get their point across. Women use many words, often with emotion.

Neither is right or wrong, they’re just different, and these differences begin in childhood.

Studies have shown that little boys can play together without saying a single word to one another. Little girls, on the other hand, use language to build relationships, so they talk a lot more.

Of course, this few words versus many words thing is a real dilemma because it creates problems. You send your guy a twenty-word text asking him his opinion on something and he says something like “It’s okay.”

You were looking for more, but that’s all he felt was necessary. You’re frustrated and he’s clueless as to why.

Learn how to understand how men think

Develop Your Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is your ability to understand, manage, and express your emotions. It includes your ability to recognize and appropriately respond to other people’s emotions. It’s your feelings smarts.

So, how do you develop emotional intelligence?

Label Your Feelings

Sometimes we feel something, but we never take the time to identify exactly what it is. What seems like anger might really be frustration or disappointment.

If you stop and take the time to label your feelings, you can appropriately deal with them.

Dealing with anger when you’re really frustrated doesn’t get you anywhere. You need to instead determine what’s frustrating you and deal with that.

Accept Your Feelings

Somewhere along the way, feelings became bad things. Someone, and I have no idea who, determined that stuffing bad feelings deep down inside was better than accepting and dealing with them and now we have a lot of people who are unable to deal with those feelings.

The problem with stuffing them is that they don’t go away. Even if you think they’re gone, they aren’t.

They’re like a giant festering wound that won’t go away. They get worse and worse until they explode, and you have an even bigger mess.

Instead, once you’ve labeled those feelings, accept them. Acknowledge that what you’re feeling is real and it’s okay to feel that way.

There is not a right or wrong feeling, and nobody should tell you how to feel something either. We all do that in our own way.

When you feel anger, for example, instead of saying something like this is wrong I shouldn’t be angry, say I can handle this problem, and I can figure out how to do that without losing my temper.

If you’re feeling lonely, say something like this: I am worthy of having someone wonderful in my life. I just haven’t found that person yet.

Manage Your Feelings

Now that you’ve labeled and accepted your feelings, it’s time to manage them. This is where people kind of drop off of the emotional intelligence ladder.

Did you know that at all times, you are 100% in control of your emotions? I felt really badly once because I told a woman this and she got very angry with me. I was trying to help her feel more in control and she wasn’t having any of it.

So, what does managing your feelings look like in real life?

Let’s go back to anger – it’s an easy emotion that everyone can relate to. If you’re feeling angry, you can manage it by taking a deep breath and stepping back for a moment. Collect yourself and give your mind a chance to get out of reactionary mode and into a mindset where you can rationally deal with the situation.

This is also sometimes called self-regulation. You’re learning how to regulate your emotions by evaluating them and choosing how you want to respond. People who do this enjoy much happier relationships and feel more in control of their lives. They live with less regret as well.

As soon as you feel you’re becoming emotional, stop yourself and take a moment to label and assess what you’re feeling. Step back and take a deep breath to evaluate what you should do next. Then, your response is at least more appropriate for the situation.

Share What You’re Feeling

Sometimes it helps to talk to someone about what you’re feeling. If that someone is the person you were experiencing the emotion over, then it’s definitely a good idea to discuss what happened, once cooler heads prevail.

Trying to talk when one or both of you are angry will never end well. Instead, take some time, maybe even a couple of hours, to redirect yourself and really think about what happened and how you might work on fixing the root problem.

If you’re frustrated with your boyfriend because he always leaves his dirty socks on the floor, explain to him why this frustrates you and ask him calmly if he can work on doing better.

As men, we don’t mean to be slobs, but sometimes, just like you, we’re in a hurry and we don’t think about those things. Chances are if you ask him calmly to try to do better, he will.

Sometimes sharing your feelings with someone who wasn’t involved in the situation helps you reevaluate what happened. Just saying it aloud often jolts something into place, and you have an ah-ha moment.

Advice on Relationships – Set Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are necessary for any relationship to thrive, whether it’s with a friend, family member, or partner. Boundaries help you teach people how you will accept being treated. They protect you emotionally and sometimes physically, and they tell people that you’re a strong, confident woman who won’t put up with any crap.

Early in a new relationship, a great boundary would be no sex until you’re sure he can be trusted and that he isn’t just in it for the sex. A confident man will accept this boundary and will respect you for it. A player will push it and disrespect it. You can learn a lot about a man with just that boundary.

Another important boundary might relate to how he acts on a date. You might have a no phones boundary. This keeps him focused on your time together and not on the latest round of solitaire that he can’t beat. Other boundaries might be more general, like being on time when you go somewhere, or not being bothered when you’re working from home.

Be Self-Aware

Research tells us that many people believe they are more self-aware than they actually are, sometimes out of fear that they will actually discover things they don’t want to know out of fear or shame.

Having a healthy understanding of your own needs, values, and even wants or desires makes you self-aware. The second half of it, however, is being able to communicate those things to your partner effectively. Let’s tackle understanding your own needs first.

How to Understand Your Own Needs, Wants, and ValuesJournal

One of the best ways to be more aware of yourself is to journal. By writing down your feelings and triggers, as well as thoughts and behaviors, you become more aware of what’s going on and you can unlock cause and effect.

For some, reading back through a week’s worth of entries helps to put things together. You can discover trends and notice things that may escape you as you’re writing. Sometimes just allowing your pen to follow your thoughts uncovers things you didn’t realize you were thinking or feeling.

As your journal progresses, you can look back to see how far you’ve come over time.

You can also use a journal to reflect on when your thoughts and feelings met your standards and where you might improve in the future. It helps if you have a deep understanding of your values, which we’ll get to in a moment. We’re most unhappy when our lives aren’t aligned with our values.

Uncover Your Values

Knowing what your values are helps you understand your needs because it gives you a guidepost by which you can navigate your life.

For example, if you value family but you seem to be working many hours, leaving little time for family, you might feel out of sorts. The reason is because you aren’t putting your values first.

To determine what your values are, look back at situations where you were happiest. Who was around? What was going on? What about the situation made you so happy? Your values lie in the answers.

You can also look at times when you weren’t very happy. Who was around then? What was happening and why were you so unhappy? This is also how you can find your values because whatever was going on was probably moving you against your values.

Get Curious

Imagine you’re someone you’ve never met before. Explore your thoughts. Explore your body. What are you capable of? What’s more difficult for you? Look at your journal entries and discover what might be hiding in your writing.

Curiosity is a wonderful thing if you allow yourself to go there. You can learn wonderful new things about yourself that can truly change how you feel about some area of your life.

I was coaching a woman a few years ago, we’ll call her Kelly. Kelly was generally unhappy and felt it was creeping into her ability to find a happy relationship. When we started digging into things, she discovered that her environment wasn’t making her happy.

Many of her things were hand-me-down items from family and she’d had them since she graduated from college. She was tired of them and felt those things didn’t really represent who she was. While it took some time, once she knew what some of the problem was, she set about making changes.

She saved up for new furniture, chose a new paint color for her apartment walls, and even changed the little do-dads around her house. She also discovered that she’s really a minimalist and was able to clear a lot of clutter that her mother had set around. She and her mother definitely didn’t feel the same way about clutter.

Just discovering what she needed to do helped Kelly feel better, and as she slowly made the changes she wanted to make, she felt even better. As her self-awareness began to grow, so did her confidence. This helped her find men who were more confident and better suited for long-term relationships.

Break Down Barriers

As you start working on your self-awareness, your instincts may be to build walls and keep people out, mostly out of shame and fear. But your true friends will love you regardless of the flaws you perceive you have. Chances are, your friends have things about themselves that they hope nobody discovers too, but as their friend, you only want to help.

We create our own barriers, usually by creating rules in our lives. Do any of these sound familiar?

I would never date a guy who didn’t go to collegeThere is no way I’d date a guy who rides a motorcycleI am not interested in men who are shorter than I

The truth is that by creating these rules, we’re creating barriers. It’s usually done out of fear. Barriers protect, but sometimes, there can be too many of them and then they’re not protecting, they’re hurting.

Distinguish Between Wants and Needs

People often say they need something, when in truth, it’s something they want badly. A need is something that keeps you alive. You need air and water, as well as shelter from the elements, and so on. You may want sparkling or flavored water, but the need is water.

When you confuse wants and needs, things feel dire when they aren’t. “I need to get a red sweater to wear to the Annie’s Holiday Party next weekend.”

This isn’t a need, it’s a want.

Identifying what you need versus what you want helps you create a framework that’s reasonable and sustainable.

For example, you may need a vehicle to get yourself to work every day, but that doesn’t mean you need a $150K vehicle.

You need a home to shelter you from the elements, but you don’t need a home in the high-end neighborhood.

You need clothing, but you don’t need to shop at the most expensive shops in the mall.

Understand that Needs Change

Your needs today are probably different than they were when you were a child. Then, you needed someone to provide for your life and take care of those needs for you. You needed an education and a supportive family.

Today, you probably have that education, and your supportive family has grown to include a great group of friends. What you need today is a job to pay for your own shelter, transportation, clothing, and so on.

When you have children, your needs are also different, often including childcare, and the ability to provide those basic things for y our children.

But once they’re gone and you’re getting older, your needs change again. You may need help doing some tasks, medications to manage different health issues that may come up, and so on.

Stay aware of your changing needs and make sure to accommodate for them in your life.

Communicating Your Needs

If you’ve experienced a few failed relationships, you might be a little hesitant to communicate your needs. While I understand where you’re coming from, I also know that keeping these things from your partner puts you at a disadvantage and places your relationship in jeopardy.

A good man who truly loves you, or if it’s too soon for love, truly enjoys spending time with you, wants to meet your needs. He wants to show you that he cares through his actions.

Women often misunderstand how men show love. I’ve coached too many women to count on this and I’m sure I’ll coach even more in the future.

I remember one woman who was extremely upset because her boyfriend bought her oven mitts as part of her birthday gift. What was he saying with this gift? Did he expect her to cook for him?

No! He had heard her complaining about how the oven mitts she had now were wearing out and she was burning herself when she used them, so he solved the problem and got her new mitts.

The guy who takes your car for an oil change or assembles the shelves you wanted in your office is showing you that he loves you.

If you don’t communicate your needs to your partner, you aren’t giving him a fair shot at showing you how he feels. It’s also important because it helps him know you better.

And if you have special needs that are physically or emotionally based, it’s even more important.

The truth is that it isn’t fair to hold this back in a relationship. You’re putting yourself and your partner at a disadvantage right away.

So, how do you do this?

Use “I” Statements

Which do you think Steve would more likely want to hear?

“Steve, I need some time each day after work to regroup, instead of launching right into dinner and evening activities.”

Or, “Steve, you always want to have dinner and do things right after I get home from work and I hate it.”

To me, it’s an easy decision. I’d much rather hear the first one than the second. The second statement is confrontational and accusatory. It immediately puts poor Steve on the defensive. The poor guy is so happy to see you at the end of the day and that second statement stomps all over his excitement.

When you say “I”, it presents your need in a peaceful and calm way. There is no accusation in the first statement, just what your needs are in a given point in time. It’s very hard to argue with someone when they make a statement like that.

Choose Great Timing

It’s never a good idea to express your needs when you’re both tired or if you’ve just had an argument. Of course, it should go without saying that you don’t express your needs during an argument.

You should also consider what else is going on at that time. I need to talk to you as he’s running out the door is very poor timing unless something just came up in the last few moments and it truly is urgent.

It’s also not great timing to try to discuss needs when he’s distracted with something else, like his favorite team playing on television or while he’s intently working on a hobby or work project.

Choose a time when neither of you are distracted and there is no urgent business in five minutes. Make sure neither of you are already agitated or feeling poorly.

Don’t Assume

We often place our own feelings on someone else and assume we know what they’re experiencing. A friend recently lost her father, who had been suffering from a long-term terminal illness for quite some time. The friend felt peace upon her father’s passing because she knew he wasn’t suffering any longer, but she quickly became annoyed at everyone assuming they knew how she felt.

She had to push away guilty feelings that often came from having a conversation with someone over her father’s passing. It was as if she needed to feel badly about his death just to appease other people. She got tired very quickly of people saying “I’m sorry for your loss” when she didn’t feel sorry at all. She felt at peace knowing that her father wasn’t suffering.

Everyone experiences things differently, so to assume that you know how they feel often means you’re wrong, and your attempts to comfort or guide that person are already on the wrong path.

Stay Focused on Today, Not Yesterday

It’s much easier to focus on what you need today, rather than what you needed but didn’t get in the past.

Holding on to old grievances doesn’t do anyone any good, plus it keeps an argument alive when it should have been resolved already.

Instead, stay focused on today and what you need moving forward. Let go of past problems and focus on the present. By doing this, you are able to problem-solve effectively and without malice.

Focus on Feelings

Much like it’s difficult for someone to find fault when you use “I” statements, it’s hard to find fault with someone’s feelings.

“Steve, I feel like we could have been more friendly to one another this morning during breakfast.”

“Joe, I feel left out when you start talking to your friends and leave me out of the conversation.”

“Adam, I feel like you aren’t really listening to me when you’re playing on your phone while we’re discussing things.”

Sometimes, people don’t realize that what they’re doing is impacting you negatively. There is no way for someone to argue how you feel in a situation. Of course, the opposite of doing it this way is again to use accusations.

“Steve, you were really rude to me at breakfast this morning!”

“Joe, you and your friends are really mean.”

“Adam, you ignore me all the time and I’m sick of it.”

It’s easy to see, again, how using the “I feel” approach is kinder and also more likely to produce results.

Be a Good Listener

It’s one thing to communicate your needs, but this should be a conversation where both of you are able to do so. That means you must be a good listener as well as a good speaker. We already talked about listening and communication at the beginning of the article, so I won’t repeat it now, but will just remind you of how important it is.

Problem Solve Together

When you find a problem in your relationship, work together to find a solution you can both live with. Don’t dictate solutions or leave it up to him to figure it out, regardless of who’s at fault.

In most situations, you and your partner both need to give a little to have an effective solution. Be prepared to not only expect some compromise from him, but to compromise yourself.

This helps you feel more like a team, which brings you closer together. It helps lessen the need for blame and focuses on solutions, rather than who’s at fault.

Advice on Relationships – Understand What Love Is

Many people mistake love as a state of being, when in truth, it’s a verb. Loving someone is acting to show them that you love them, even during the most difficult times.

James has three children. Two daughters and one son. His oldest daughter, after a series of medical problems, became addicted to pain medications. Year after year, she would disappear for long periods of time, then reappear, wanting to go to rehab. He always supported her efforts to get clean, but eventually, she would end up back on the streets and drugs.

The younger children couldn’t understand why their father kept supporting failed efforts at rehabilitation. The cycle continued for years until finally, one October, she came home and asked for help once again. Her siblings avoided her and barely spoke to her, but her father allowed her to live with him as she pulled herself together. Slowly, she started doing Uber Eats deliveries and working toward a few goals.

Three years later, she is still clean and still slowly moving toward independence. James never stopped loving his daughter, regardless of the turmoil she brought to his life.

Things happen in relationships. People get sick or become disabled. Mental illness can creep in and negatively impact everyone. To love is to be there, as much as you can, during those difficult times, as well as during the good times.

It’s easy to be present when things are great. It’s less challenging to be there when things are difficult. The friend I mentioned earlier who recently lost her father had been living with her parents for the last six plus years to help care for him in spite of the fact that she has a rocky relationship with both of them.

My Final Advice on Relationships – Don’t Rush

I know how it goes. You find a guy you really think is the one and you want to hurry things along. You want to have sex and go on several dates a week. You set aside your ‘old’ life to spend as much time with him as possible.

Then it all comes crashing down.

Sounds familiar, right?

We’ve all been there. There is nothing like the excitement of a new relationship. For men, it’s the fun of learning about you, one bit at a time. It’s the fun of doing things together and discovering who you are.

My advice is to slow way down. Continue dating a couple of other guys for a while. There’s nothing wrong with dating more than one guy if you aren’t in a committed relationship. This doesn’t mean you have to flaunt it, but don’t stop dating multiple men until you make a commitment.

As you date these men, one will stand out over the others and your choice will be clear, but allow it to happen naturally, without forcing it.

A great relationship evolves over time. If you don’t rush things, but allow them to grow naturally, you’ll find yourself in a better place.

Wrapping Up

Advice on relationships for women comes from every direction. You can google that term and find thousands of articles, many probably telling you some of the same things I’ve told you here, and frankly, I could write a whole book on this topic and it would be very long.

But that isn’t the point. The point is for you to understand that the best advice on relationships is to be a confident woman who accepts nothing less than what she deserves!

Be a great communicator and know yourself well.

Great men, the type of men who make commitments and stick to them, are attracted to confident women, so the very best advice is to build your confidence. You can’t go wrong if you follow the advice you’ve been given here. I promise!

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How to Control Your Emotions in a Relationship

Knowing how to control your emotions in a relationship could very well keep you from experiencing a terrible breakup.

While everyone loses control sometimes, others experience emotional reactivity on a regular basis. Today, I’d like to help you recognize if this might be you and help you develop some healthy strategies to regain control.

What does it Mean to be Emotionally Reactive?

When you’re emotionally reactive, you tend to react quickly and negatively to even the mildest of situations.

For example, you and your boyfriend are eating out and the waiter brings your food. Instead of bringing you a baked potato with sour cream, he’s forgotten the sour cream. Your guy goes ballistic. He begins berating the server and is furiously waving his arms in a threatening way.

That’s being emotionally reactive. Let’s look at a more common example.

You’re driving down the road and someone pulls out in front of you, not so close that it threatens an accident, but it startled you nonetheless. You begin calling this person names and flipping him your middle finger.

That too is being emotionally reactive.

Let’s try one more example, this time a relationship example.

You and your partner are enjoying a nice dinner at home when he brings up something you did that he didn’t like. He’s started the conversation in the right way – you’re both happy and enjoying a nice moment together.

But you lose it completely. You feel defensive, maybe even a little attacked, and you resent his comment. You explain that you did what you did to protect yourself in some way and how dare he criticize you for it, except you aren’t explaining, you’re yelling.

The argument devolves into flying insults which you initiate, and he eventually joins in. This argument continues until he finally waves his arms in the air in frustration, grabs his keys, and heads out the door.

After you’ve cooled off, you feel guilty and maybe even a little embarrassed. How did that happen? Let’s find out.

How to Control Your Emotions | Understand Why It Bothered You

There are a variety of reasons why you may be emotionally reactive.

You’ve Experienced a Past Trauma That is Now Triggered

I think every single human being can relate to this cause. I like examples, so let’s use another one.

Carrie and her husband were married for twelve years before their divorce. Mark, her now ex-husband, was verbally abusive and was constantly saying things that were at the least rude and at the most, very hurtful.

A couple of years after their divorce, Carrie was dating Brett. They were enjoying a nice date when Brett said something that immediately triggered an emotional response from Carrie. It was something her ex had said to her and while Brett had meant no disrespect or harm, her ex had, and that’s what she reacted to.

In what seemed like an out-of-body experience, Carrie few off the handle. She was immediately sorry and apologized to Brett, but the problem lingered in her mind. Finally, she realized that what Brett said was very much like something her ex said to her that always made her feel ashamed. The next time she saw Brett, she explained her reaction and promised to do better.

Carrie had a few other hot buttons that were uncovered over the next year or so, but she learned to manage them and eventually, she didn’t react. Today, she couldn’t even tell you what they were.

You Misinterpret People’s Body Language and Intent

Some people are great at reading body language, but some aren’t. Honestly, many people aren’t even aware of their body language or anyone else’s and might not realize that they’re sending certain signals or misinterpreting someone else’s body language.

Still, this can make it hard for you to interpret someone’s. When you’re already in an emotionally reactive frame of mind, you tend to misinterpret people’ body language in the negative.

While someone might be doing something very innocent, you misread the cues and feel threatened or wronged by that person. Your tendency to jump to negative assumptions puts you on the defensive and you’re immediately angry.

The next thing you know, you’re jumping down their throat, carrying on about something, but they have no clue what they’ve done. This, of course, makes you even angrier, and so it goes.

What’s happening is that you’re inadvertently sending a danger signal to your brain and the fight or flight stuff kicks in. Your heart rate accelerates, and you become akin to a mother bear protecting her young. You growl and lash out at the attacker to protect yourself. The problem is that you weren’t ever in danger to begin with.

How to Control Your Emotions | Debunk Your False Beliefs

We’re all told stories when we’re kids, and some of them are scary. As we get older, the beliefs of our parents can infiltrate our own belief system.

For example, your mother may have been afraid of tall men with beards. Maybe she’d experienced something scary with a man who looked like that and now, she associates her fear with any man who looks the same.

Consequently, she’s passed that fear to you, so whenever you see a tall man with a beard, you think the worst. You might even be so fearful that you turn the other way. You feel your fight or flight kick in because you were raised to believe this person is a threat.

It’s also possible to be raised with beliefs about people who believe certain things, like their faith, for example.

Often, these false beliefs come from faulty experiences and information. Look back in your life. How many tall men with beards have you come across? Were they all bad people? Probably none of them were. Now, you can begin to work on eliminating that belief from your life.

These types of beliefs are usually easy to debunk, if you set your mind to it. The everyone who believes X or everyone who looks… beliefs are way too general. You should easily be able to recall someone from your life who fits that description and isn’t that way.

Paranoia

A more extreme example is someone who’s paranoid. Mostly, this is someone who has a psychosis or is on drugs. Most folks don’t experience this.

Still, when you’re paranoid, you believe everyone has an agenda against you. You see everyone as a threat and live in constant fear.

For people who live this way, treatment and medication are the best paths forward.

How to Control Your Emotions | Work on Your Anger Management Issues

I suppose by definition, emotional reactivity and problems with anger management seem to be the same thing, and in some way they are.

If you find yourself angry at the most basic things, you are probably battling anger management issues.

There are several underlying causes for anger management and often, the best way to deal with it is to work with a professional who can help you uncover the cause and work toward better emotional regulation.

Low Confidence and Low Self-Esteem

If you don’t believe in yourself, you will find the things people say to almost feel more like an attack than a passing comment.

Let’s look at how this might play out.

You and a friend are out for lunch on a Saturday afternoon. It’s been a long week at work and you’re looking forward to winding down and enjoying this time.

As you’re dining, a woman glides by, very well-dressed and put together. Your friend makes a comment about how pretty she is and you’re immediately on the defensive. You may hear yourself say, “Am I not pretty???” as your voice raises an octave or two?

Stunned, your friend looks at you, realizing she’s made a mistake. There is no amount of backpedaling she can do now to calm you down.

The reason you reacted this way is that you don’t believe yourself to be pretty. Your self-esteem is low and having someone seemingly point that out hurts.

Luckily for you, this is one you can work out yourself.

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You Have a History of Abuse

If you have lived a life of abuse, you’re going to be naturally defensive. You believe everyone is out to hurt you and not wanting to be hurt anymore, you immediately fly into fight or flight mode to protect yourself.

If you’re truly in danger, of course, this is a great response, but most of the time, we don’t find ourselves in mortal danger.

This is another instance in which seeking out a professional works best to help you overcome the underlying cause of your reactivity.

Dealing with your past abuse is something a professional is best suited to help you with.

How to Control Your Emotions

Now that you have all of the background information on being emotionally reactive, let’s see if we can’t work through some ways in which you can be more emotionally proactive.

Take a Breath and Count to Ten

I know it sounds like a cliché, but this is one of the best tools you can develop. Being reactive occurs because you don’t take time to think first about how you want to react.

If you take the time to breathe in and out deeply while you count to ten, you fill feel the fight or flight urge lessen and you will have the opportunity to consider the proper response.

This takes practice and won’t be something you just start doing. It takes a conscious effort to recognize that your emotions are ramping up and the ability to stop before it’s too late.

Good news though.

Every single human being has the capability to do this. Me. You. Your partner. Your parents. Your kids.

Many people are never taught that they have this ability and I’ve angered more than a few people by telling them this. Why?

Because when you’re emotionally reactive, you’re blaming someone else for how you’re reacting to the situation. That jerk pulled out in front of you. Your partner said something that ticked you off. It was their fault.

When you become emotionally proactive or in control, you own that you are the one who chose how to react, even though it didn’t feel like it at the time.

Learning to be emotionally proactive or in control of your emotions is a huge leap in your level of maturity. It’s called emotional intelligence.

If you get to ten and you’re still angry, it might be time to step away from the situation for a longer period of time so cooler heads can prevail. Allow yourself time to come up with a way to deal with what happened.

How to Control Your Emotions | See it From Their Point of View

This is a toughie because it forces you to be empathetic when you want to be angry or frustrated. Still, you know there are people who just set you off as soon as you see them.

Terrie was tasked with hiring and working with someone to redo their company website and her boss already had someone in mind. She and a coworker met with this man several times and the guy just got under Terrie’s skin, no matter how hard she tried. He was condescending and rude and she didn’t like him.

The coworker quickly saw that Terrie’s buttons were pushed by this man and took up the job of corresponding with the web designer. As soon as he would see an email to both of them, he would stop by her office to tell her that he would handle it.

Terrie wasn’t proud of how this guy got under her skin, but she found that the more she stayed on the periphery of the project, the smoother things went.

If there’s someone like this in your life, it’s best to try to avoid them as much as you can. If it’s someone who’s genuinely rude to you, then it truly may be them and not you, but if there’s no rational reason why this person gets under your skin, it might be time to look for those faulty beliefs.

Practice Active Listening

Sometimes, being emotionally reactive comes from not taking the time to hear what another person is saying. Being an active listener seems to be a lost skill these days.

Instead of listening and formulating your next thing to say while the speaker is still talking, stop your own thoughts and just listen.

The need to best your opposing speaker comes from a place of low confidence. You want to show what you know or share that your life or experience was more extreme.

After the other person has spoken, take a moment or two to think before you speak. What truly is the best response? How can you appropriately validate their comments by agreeing or showing empathy?

Taking this path, instead of trying to best someone, always produces a better conversational experience. It also forces you to consider your response and be less reactive.

How to Control Your Emotions | Find New Outlets for Your Emotions

When you don’t know how to control your emotions, they can build up with no effective outlet. Negative emotion builds and builds until you almost feel like you’re going to explode.

One way to let out negative emotions is through journaling. Try writing about how you feel about things. Write about your daily experiences and what feelings were triggered. You can think of a journal as the friend at the other end of the line who will listen without issuing a judgment.

Another way to channel your emotions is through meditation. There are tons of YouTubers out there who provide guided meditations.

Some people find art to be a great outlet. In fact, there’s such a thing as art therapy to help people manage difficult things in their lives. And it doesn’t need to be art specifically. You can find this release through music, art, literature, or any other hobby. These tend to help you release and even trigger the release of hormones that calm you down and help alleviate stress.

A final suggestion is to take up a sport or exercise. Boxing is an excellent way to release pent-up emotions, but a fifteen-minute walk can do the same if you don’t want to take on the expense of boxing. Any exercise outlet you choose will help because your body releases endorphins during physical activity and those are often labeled feel-good hormones.

Learn to be Aware of Your Thoughts

Earlier, I said that we all have the ability to control our emotional responses to things. You may have scoffed, but it’s true, and I encourage you to pay attention to not only your emotions but your thoughts.

Teach yourself to listen to your thoughts before you act on them. Learn to discern how you really feel about something before you react to it. During that time of reflection, ask yourself why this particular person or statement bothers you. Can you find a better way to react, or can you choose not to react at all?

Sometimes, if you’re facing someone who’s showing animosity, the best response is no response. Responding only fuels their fire.

One of the best ways to work through this is journaling, again. After you encounter a difficult situation, journal about it. Ask yourself those questions. Where did that feeling come from? If you allow your thoughts to flow freely, you will be able to uncover the secret of why.

How to Control Your Emotions | Learn More About Your Triggers

Understanding why you react the way you do goes a long way in helping you overcome emotional reactivity. Like the example above, you might learn that a particular phrase brings back negative memories. Once you understand this, you’ll be more dialed into it when other phrases are used.

Or it might be that when your friend mentioned that the woman passing by was pretty, it stirred up your own insecurity about your own physical appearance.

Again, and I do feel like a broken record here, journaling can help you. As you journal, take time every week or so to read back through your entries. Look for hidden cues and patterns. You may not notice them as you’re writing, but if you look back over a few days’ worth of entries, they might stand out.

Practice Self-Care

Sometimes the reason you are emotionally reactive is that you’re physically and emotionally exhausted. In this case, a self-care routine can be very beneficial.

Some days try your patience and other days that just flow smoothly from wakeup to bedtime. Regardless, self-care is a way to reset and rejuvenate.

There are several ways to engage in self-care and there are different types of self-care. Most people are familiar with the bubble bath/candles/glass of wine type of self-care, but there are many other things you can do.

Try the Little Self-Care Handbook for more tips on developing a self-care routine.

How to Control Your Emotions | Concluding Thoughts

When you don’t know how to control your emotions, things can go sideways in your relationship very quickly. Without emotional control, there is a constant barrage of damage to the relationship. Arguments are frequent and hurtful. Things are said and wounds gape open and grow larger.

I once read a story about a father whose son was being verbally abusive to a younger sibling. The father decided it was time to teach his son a lesson, so one morning at breakfast, the father told the son he wanted him to go outside and pound as many nails as he wanted to into their fence.

The young man went out and pounded the nails. When he returned indoors, his father told him to return to the fence and pull the nails out. While the boy had only taken about ten minutes to put dozens of nails into the fence, he found that after ten minutes, he’d only pulled out a few.

He came in, complaining to his father that the nails were too difficult to take out. The father smiled and said, “Son, when you say hurtful things to people, it’s like pounding in those nails. It isn’t very difficult, and you can do a lot of damage in a short amount of time. But it’s more difficult to take those words back, just like it’s more difficult to pull out those nails. And even when you do pull the nails out, a hole remains.”

Your words can’t be taken back, so it’s important to ensure that the words you use are the best and most effective for the situation. And by effective, I don’t mean hurtful. I mean effective in maintaining a healthy relationship.

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Unveiling the Secrets: How to Know When You’re in Love

There are several misconceptions about being in love and I feel like we should get those out of the way before we talk about how to know when you’re in love.

How to Know You’re in Love | What Love Isn’tIt’s not a Fairy Tale

One common misconception about being in love is that it should feel like a fairy tale. Many people believe that love should be perfect and without conflict, but in reality, every relationship has its ups and downs. Love is not about avoiding conflict, but about navigating it effectively and growing together.

It Isn’t All Passion

Another misconception is that love is all about passion. While passion is an important component of love, it is not the only one. True love also involves commitment, trust, respect, and mutual understanding. It’s not just about intense feelings, but also about building a deep connection with another person.

It Isn’t an All-Consuming Fire

Many people also believe that being in love means being completely consumed by the other person. This is not healthy or sustainable. It’s important to maintain your own identity and interests outside of the relationship. Being in love should not mean losing yourself.

Being in Love Won’t Solve Your Problems

A fourth misconception is that love can solve all problems. While love can certainly help in dealing with life’s challenges, it is not a cure-all. Both partners need to be willing to work on their issues individually and as a couple.

Love Isn’t Easy

Lastly, there’s a misconception that if you’re in love with someone, the relationship should be easy. Love is hard. It takes hard work and dedication to keep things moving rrorward. Many people don’t recognize love as a verb, but being in love is a lot about your actions, not just using the words.

Decoding the Language of the Heart: What Does Being in Love Really Mean?

Now that we know what love isn’t, lt’s look at what love is. What does it mean to be in love?

Being in love goes beyond the dizzying whirl of butterflies fluttering riotously in your stomach when you catch a glimpse of your special someone. It’s more than those stolen glances and whispered sweet nothings. Being in love transcends the surface-level enchantment and delves deeper into the realms of respect, compatibility, and shared desires.

The Comfort of Togetherness

If the mere presence of this individual elicits a feeling of comfort and peace, it could be love. Love offers an emotional shelter, filled with understanding, support, and warmth. The person you love is like a safe harbor in the stormy seas of life.

How to Know You’re in Love | Seeing Beyond Flaws

When you’re in love, you don’t just tolerate but truly accept the person in their entirety, quirks and all. You see their shortcomings, not as flaws, but essential parts that make them uniquely who they are. You admire their perfections and embrace their imperfections, understanding that nobody is perfect, not even you.

Valuing Their Happiness as Your Own

Finding yourself genuinely invested in the other person’s happiness often suggests you’re in love. In love, their joy becomes your joy and their pain becomes your pain. This empathetic connection builds a strong bond, one that is able to weather adversities.

Envisioning a Shared Future

It’s often a significant sign of love when you can’t visualize your future without them. When you make plans, whether it’s for next month or five years from now, they’re there, an essential part of your journey.

How to Know You’re in Love | Enduring Love is Resilient

Finally, love is resilient. Love motivates you to stick it out even during hardship because you believe in the strength of your bond. The challenges you face together aren’t roadblocks— they’re opportunities to grow together, to further understand each other, and to build a dynamic that’s virtually unshakeable.

Remember though, love looks and feels different to everyone. It’s an experience that is deeply personal. Trust your feelings, listen to your heart, and let love guide your journey. After all, love is a journey, not a destination.

Everyone’s Favorite Four-Letter Word: Defining Love in Your Terms

What does love mean to you? It’s a question that warrants an honest answer. Love can be endearing, nurturing, explosive, and every bit as comforting as a hot cup of coffee on a freezing winter morning, or as exhilarating as a roller coaster ride. But what does it mean to you?

Love doesn’t wear a one-size-fits-all tag. Your definition of love shouldn’t be influenced by Hollywood rom-coms, cheesy novels, or romantic poems. Instead, it should be based on your personal experiences, values, and aspirations.

Romantic love, familial love, platonic love, self-love – each carries its own weight and meaning. Within those broad categories, there’s your own, unique interpretation. Because whether you’re a hopeless romantic, a pragmatic partner, or a bit of both, your love can look different from anyone else’s.

Your experience of love means sharing your most intimate secrets in a soundproof room of two, or whispering sweet nothings over a busy dinner table. It’s the silence of understanding, or the chorus of shared laughs. It’s the daily grind, or the special moments. All these scenarios are love, and it’s up to you to define what this four-letter word means to you.

Take a moment. Reflect on it. What does love look like to you? How do you feel it? How do you express it? There isn’t a wrong answer. There’s only your answer. And once you discover that, you’re well on your way to recognizing love when it makes an appearance in your life.

Remember, defining love in your terms is empowering and essential. It enables you understand what you need from a relationship, instead of trying to fit into a standard definition that doesn’t quite resonate with you. And that’s okay. After all, it’s your love, your terms, your life.

Love or Infatuation: Breaking Down the Differences

Before we continue, it’s essential for you to understand the fundamental differences between love and infatuation. Often, these two powerful feelings get tangled up and misinterpreted, especially when they come rushing in like a torrent of emotions. So let’s break it down, shall we?

1. Duration: Temporary Infatuation vs. Long-lasting Love

Infatuation behaves much like a sparkler. It burns brightly and intensely for a brief moment then fades quickly, leaving just a residue of what once was. Love, conversely, is more like an ever-burning ember. It keeps on glowing, often flickering but enduring despite the challenges and constraints time throws at it. If your feelings for somebody are still going strong after a substantial amount of time, you might just be in love.

2. Foundations: Surface-level Infatuation vs. Deep-rooted Love

Infatuation is often based on superficial features—appearance, status, or certain idiosyncrasies that you find attractive. On the flip side, love is rooted in profound appreciation of the entire person, including their virtues and vices. When you love someone, you accept them as they are, fully recognizing them and seeing their inner essence.

3. Objectivity: Distorted Infatuation vs. Realistic Love

When you’re infatuated with someone, your perception might get distorted. You idealize them, seeing only their best aspects and ignoring their faults. But when you’re in love, you see your partner for who they truly are, with all their imperfections, yet you still cherish them. After all, love isn’t blind—it sees but it doesn’t mind.

4. Security: Jealous Infatuation vs. Trusting Love

Infatuation can lead to obsessive feelings of jealousy and possession. It wants the other person’s attention all the time and fears losing them. Love, in contrast, is grounded in trust and understanding. It’s secure enough to give space, to respect the freedom and individuality of the other person, and does not fear the potential separation anxiety.

Understanding these distinguishing characteristics between love and infatuation will go a long way towards helping you recognize when you’re genuinely in love. Remember, it’s not the intensity, but the longevity and stability of feelings that matter most when it comes to love.

Beneath the Surface: Physical Signs Your Body Screams ‘You’re in Love’

When it comes to love, the body often has its own language. An increase in happy hormones like oxytocin and serotonin, a quickened heartbeat when you see the person, and even having trouble sleeping could all be signs that you’re falling in love.

1. Expressive Eyes: The Window to Your Heart

You’ve probably heard the saying that the eyes are the window to the soul. When we’re attracted to someone, our pupils naturally dilate, an involuntary response rooted in human evolution. The fascinating thing about the eyes is that they can’t hide authenticity. So, those starry-eyed looks that you can’t seem to stop giving your partner? They might be an evident sign that you’re falling head over heels.

2. Racing Heart: The Love Beats

Is your heart skipping a beat at the mere thought of that special someone? This isn’t just poetic language. Love can actually speed up your heart rate. Research says that when you’re in love, the adrenaline in your body tends to make your heart pump faster. In other words, your racing heart may be much more than just anticipation or excitement; it may be a physical sign of love’s arrival.

3. Butterflies in the Stomach: A Flicker of Love

If you feel those famous butterflies in your stomach whenever you see or think about the one you love, this could be your body’s way of signaling that you’re in love. It’s a literal gut reaction, caused by a surge of adrenaline in the body when you’re in love. Yes, it might make you a little nervous, but it’s a surefire sign that your emotions are kicking into high gear.

4. Trouble Sleeping: Love is the Best Lullaby

As odd as it may sound, if you can’t fall asleep because you’re thinking about the person you unwittingly fell for, it might be a hint that you’re in love. After all, as Shakespeare once said: “Love’s stories written in love’s richest books. To fan the moonbeams from his sleeping eyes.” And that may involve forfeiting some slumber.

There you have some physical signs that your body could be showing that you’re in love. Of course, everyone experiences love differently, so these are not definitive proof, but rather signals to look out for.

The Involuntary Smile: How Love Affects Your Mood

Love tends to paint the world in vibrant colors. You feel energized, relieved, and overall happier. Does it sound familiar? Let’s dig into how love gives you that glow and what science has to say about it.

Natural Mood Enhancer

Ask anyone who’s been in love, and they’ll tell you – the feeling of a crush can brighten your day like few things can. Neurologically, love triggers the release of dopamine, the brain’s pleasure chemical. This gives you an undeniable joyful high, making you giddy with happiness, leading to that charming, inevitably irresistible smile on your face.

Boost in Self-Esteem

It’s common for people in love to feel better about themselves. Your feelings are mirrored in your significant other, making you feel validated, appreciated, and cherished. As a result, you’ll notice a positive shift in your self-perception and self-worth, providing a healthy boost to your self-esteem.

Joy in Shared Happiness

The happiness you derive from seeing your partner happy, content, and fulfilled is a prominent sign of you being in love. This shared joy builds an emotional connection, strengthens your bond, and deepens your feelings for each other. Love has the magical power of making you happier when you’re around the person you love, and their happiness becomes your happiness, making your smile glow even brighter.

Profound Connections: How Love Deepens Relationships

Being smitten with someone doesn’t merely change how you view yourself—it affects how you interact with others, too. In love, we foster deep connections not only with our partner but with the world as a whole. Love fosters meaningful ties that extend beyond romantic relationships, impacting friendships and family interactions.

Love Penetrates Emotional Barriers

When you are in love, you find yourself opening up, expressing thoughts and feelings you’d otherwise keep private. You let down your emotional guard, daring to be vulnerable in the presence of your loved one. This emotional transparency enables profound connections to flourish, deepening your bond and fostering trust, intimacy, and understanding within your relationship.

Love Promotes Empathetic Understanding

Being in love can also transform your ability to understand and sympathize with others. You find it easier to place yourself in your partner’s shoes, experiencing their joys and anxieties as if they were your own. This empathetic understanding creates a shared emotional landscape, inviting you and your partner to navigate life’s ups and downs together—thus encouraging growth and strengthening your relationship.

Love Inspires Positive Changes

Love acts as a catalyst for positive change in oneself. You’re driven to better yourself, not just for your own sake, but also for your beloved. Such transformations could range from adopting healthier habits, nurturing personal growth, to refining social skills. These changes can positively impact your relationships across the board, even outside your romantic involvement.

Mature Love Cultivates Shared Experiences

Almost nothing deepens a relationship more than shared experiences. Whether it’s navigating challenges, pursuing mutual interests, or creating memories, love fuels the desire to spend quality time together. These shared experiences provide a common thread that binds your lives, strengthening your emotional bond and continually bringing you closer together.

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BUY NOW ON AUDIBLE The Inner Workings of Your Heart: Understanding Your Emotions

Have you noticed a new spectrum of emotions burgeoning within? This could be a telltale sign that you’re head over heels in love. Your emotions, both quiet whispers and deafening roars, play a pivotal role in decoding the language of love. Understanding them isn’t always easy, but it’s utterly rewarding.

An Eruption of Happiness

Remember that bounce in your step, the uncontainable smile, and an unusual bubbling up of joy? Being in love often ignites a fireworks display of happiness inside us. Observing these joyful emotions and their frequency can provide vital cues that you are in love.

A Dance of Desire and Longing

When in love, you might find yourself oscillating between desire and longing. Desire to spend every waking hour with the person, blended with a longing when they’re not around – a dance of emotions that can often point to your heart falling in love.

A Soothing Wave of Calm

Amidst this thrilling rollercoaster ride of emotions, you might also experience a peculiar calm. A serenity that stems from the security of being cared for and valuing someone deeply. If this peaceful emotion washes over you when thinking about your significant other, it’s a strong inclination toward love.

Pangs of Jealousy

No exploration of love’s emotional landscape would be complete without mentioning jealousy. While it is often misconstrued, a dash of jealousy is natural when in love. It’s the concern of losing someone cherished. But beware! If this emotion flares up frequently or violently, it’s necessary to address it healthily and honestly.

A Symphony of Emotions

Welcome to the symphony of love’s emotions – a splendid and complex composition that’s uniquely yours. Understanding these emotions can serve as your compass, guiding you through the labyrinth of love. So pay attention to them. They might whisper or scream, either way, they’re telling you something significant about your heart’s situation.

The Love Evolution: How True Love Grows Over Time

Embarking on a voyage of true love is not a linear journey—it’s a continuous cycle of growth and discovery. Just like a delicate sapling that eventually grows into a strong, sturdy tree, love, too, takes time to mature and become deeper.

Love in the Early Stages

During the early stages, love is like a beautiful, blooming flower, mesmerizing and intoxicating with its vibrant colors and stunning allure. This is where physcial attraction and infatuation hold sway. But as time passes, like a flower that wilts only to bear fruit, love transcends its initial stages, offering something more substantial, more fulfilling.

Remember when you first fell head over heels for your significant other? The palpitations, the wide grins, and those never-ending conversations? That’s the ‘honeymoon phase’ or the ‘passionate love’ phase as psychologists call it. It’s characterized by a high degree of intensity and enveloping euphoria. It’s exciting and exhilarating, but it’s also unstable—much like actual honeymoons, it doesn’t last forever.

A Few Years Later

Fast forward to a few years, or even months, into a relationship. The lightning bolt of infatuation is replaced by a glow of warmth and comfort—that’s the shift towards ‘companionate love’ happening. As the fires of passion take a backseat, what steps in is a deeper sense of intimacy, commitment, and trust. It’s less about the thrills and more about the comfort and security that comes with truly knowing and accepting each other.

True love evolves with time. It deepens years into the relationship when you’ve gone past the surface-level knowledge of each other, navigating through life’s ups and downs together, sharing successes, failures, joys, and sadness. This is often marked with an enhanced sense of understanding, acceptance, and mutual respect.

Keep it Going

It’s important to remember, however, that like everything worthwhile, maintaining love requires efforts. To keep your love evolving, you need to nurture it, invest in it. Surprise each other, show appreciation, have meaningful conversations, and continue dating each other, even if you’ve been together for years. Love that lasts is love that is never taken for granted.

But most of all, evolution in love means evolving together—helping each other grow as individuals, and growing as a unit. It means building a shared narrative while also fostering personal growth. That’s how love not only survives but thrives. Because, after all, ‘happily ever after’ isn’t a destination—it’s a journey, a continuous process of growing, nurturing and evolving love.

Wrapping Up: How to Know When You’re in Love

So, how can you tell when you’re truly in love?

Love feels comfortable, yet exciting. There’s a sense of peace, even when things go awry. You know, deep down inside, that you can weather whatever life throws at you as long as you have your special someone by your side.

Second, being in love means accepting and loving your partner for who he is—flaws and all. He’s not perfect, but in your eyes, he’s just right, in all of his perfectly imperfect glory.

Third, a clear sign you’re in love is when you start valuing his happiness as much as your own. His smiles bring joy to your heart and his tears bring a lump to your throat. True love means caring about his wellbeing, sometimes even more than your own.

Envisioning a future with him is another hallmark of love. You see him in all your tomorrows. You want to wake up next to him, grow old with him, endure the ups and downs of life together—that’s real love.

Lastly, true love is resilient. It doesn’t burn out when the honeymoon phase is over. It’s not swayed by fights or conflicts. It endures, through thick and thin, highs and lows, till the end of time.

Figuring out if you’re in love can be a bit of a puzzle. But understanding how love manifests, recognizing its physical and emotional indicators, and differentiating it from other intense feelings, like infatuation, can make the picture clearer. The journey to uncover whether you’re in love can be baffling and overwhelming, but remember, love is just as much an art as it is a science, and the excitement lies in experiencing it.

So go ahead, soak in the beauty of love and never be afraid to follow your heart.

The post Unveiling the Secrets: How to Know When You’re in Love appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.