Gregg Michaelsen's Blog, page 24

Ainsley’s Story: How I Survived a 12-Year Marriage to the Wrong Man

Hi, it’s Gregg. In advance of Manimals being published soon, I wanted to share another of my readers’ stories about dating a man. With her permission, here is Ainsley’s story.

Funny how when you’re young you think you have it all worked out, right? You have this grand plan and nothing can derail it. You will graduate high school, go to college and have a great time, land your dream job, meet Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome, make some babies to fill your house on the corner lot (with the white picket fence and golden retriever, of course), and live happily ever after. What could possibly go wrong? But when there is a wrench thrown into your plans, you can come unglued. Here I was twenty years old, my whole life ahead of me, still time to live out my grand plan. But you know what they say about the best-laid plans.

It started when I went to the doctor for my annual checkup and the doctor says to me, “You know, with your family history, if you don’t have kids early, you may never get the chance.” Kids! I was twenty years old at the time. I hadn’t even thought about kids yet. All of a sudden my biological clock was in hyper drive. It didn’t occur to me to stop and ask, “What’s your definition of early?” Being the planner I am, I set out with one goal in mind: find a man who had the qualities I wanted to see in my children. It didn’t take long. It was a chance meeting, in fact. He was perfect. He was seven years older, established and ready to settle down, pretty good looking, and had a degree in engineering from a great school, with a job at a big time company. He was the definition of a “grown up.”

I asked him out. Yes, I’m a very headstrong, confident, independent woman, so that’s what I do, I ask guys out. Up until this point I hadn’t really dated anyone seriously. Like ever. I was too busy living life. I didn’t want to be tied to anyone in particular before then. He said yes to my date and we went out. After about six months, talk had turned to getting married. It was a whirlwind romance. We were together nonstop. My world was centered on him and our future. Finally the ring came, and wow, what a rock! I was so excited. I was yelling it from the rooftops, “I’m in love and getting married to this awesome man!” My mom and I started planning the wedding almost immediately.

I remember the day the invitations came in the mail. I was so busy with checklists and to-dos I hadn’t even really had time to process everything that was happening. I opened the box to make sure everything was in order and that’s when it hit me. I was about to get married! I started second guessing everything. Is he really the right guy for me? Am I too young? I sat cross-legged in the middle of the living room floor with a box of invitations in my lap bawling. I finally pulled myself together and gave myself a pep talk in the mirror. I chalked it up to cold feet and never gave it a second thought.

Fast-forward five years. I’m standing at the sink brushing my teeth. As I’m looking at myself in the mirror it hits me like a ton of bricks. I’m with this man FOREVER. Talk about a freak out moment! The little things in the beginning that seemed cute were now a real strain. At first it was, “You should wear your hair like this,” or “This outfit would look really great on you,” but somewhere along the line it grew into, “What did you spend $1.29 on at the gas station and do you REALLY need to go out with your friends tonight, where will you be going, who will you be with, and when will you be home?” I recognized myself less and less until I didn’t even know the person standing in front of the mirror brushing her teeth. My identity had become him. I hadn’t only made him my hobby; I’d made him my life! What happened to the confident girl?

I think I had always known that he wasn’t really the right guy for me, but I thought I could make it work. At this point we had one child and were working on a second. No one in my family had ever gotten divorced, so I didn’t know what else to do but to carry on. Smile and pretend everything is great and it will be, or so I had hoped. After a dozen long years of grinning and bearing it through a miserable marriage, I stopped kidding myself. I started to slowly rebuild me. I finally began to realize that confident girl was still there and I was quality. I could choose my men, and I did not settle to be chosen. No more would I make my life all about another man.

I got back on the horse and after nearly 15 years of being out of the dating scene, I went on my first date. Then another. And another. Just like Gregg teaches, men want a confident woman who has her own life, and he is right. I could have my pick of guys. They were crawling out of the woodwork to date me. ME! Could you believe it? A single mother of three in her 30’s who hadn’t dated in over a decade and a half had suitors knocking. I was Middle Aged and Kickin’ It!

Finally deciding to leave my unhappy marriage was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make, but finding myself again made it all worthwhile.

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Hello. Gregg here with another reader story about a guy- or in this case – 3 guys. This story comes from Amber, who agreed to let me share her story. She will tell you why you should be creating challenge in your relationships!

I had my first boyfriend in 8th grade. We held hands on the bus, and broke up right before the big Middle School Dance. I dated guys here and there throughout high school, but nothing serious. Football players, skateboarders, musicians — the usual stereotypical high school guys. Then, in my junior year, I met a guy through the drama club. He had the lead in the school play and all the girls were in love with him. He was a total Momma’s Boy. So much so that after we finally broke up, his mom called me and said (yelled) some pretty awful things — to me. This was despite the fact that I found out her son had cheated on me not once, but twice, and followed an incident where we had a big argument in his Trans Am – when I finally told him it was over, he left me on the side of the road and drove off! Talk about drama. The relationship lasted 6 months.

My next boyfriend was the Cool Guy. I had a crush on him since 9th grade and then, senior year of high school, we finally started dating. He played guitar in a grunge band and was the typical moody artist. Total narcissist. He always put himself first — and his friends. I came in third. But he was just so cool. I knew if I broke it off, some other girl would be waiting to pounce on him. We dated for a year and carried over into freshman year of college, until one time, I came home to visit him and he already had plans with his buddies. That was the end of that. I finally lifted that cloud from my eyes and dumped him, then spent the weekend venting to my girlfriends.

Fast forward to sophomore year in college. I went on some dates but never really found a guy that kept my interest. Until I met him – It was love at first sight — for real. After some chance meetings, small talk, and wistful glances across the room on both our parts, he asked me out. We went to the movies and then for coffee. We were so in love, we talked about getting married on our first date! It was a whirlwind after that. We were together 24-7 and life revolved around our relationship. You can guess what happened next. After about 6-months, he decided he needed a break — from me. His schoolwork was suffering and (since he got a great girl like me) he wanted to see what else was out there. Seriously. I gave him an ego boost. Just like Gregg warns us in To Date a Man, You Must Understand A Man, I wasn’t a challenge.

Now, here’s where it get’s good. Instead of crying and feeling sorry for myself, I hung up the phone with him, and invited some girlfriends over for a sleepover party. We drank wine and watched rom-coms, and I did not give him a second thought. I finally had the confidence to realize I was a quality girl who could have my pick of guys. I was the Chooser. I made it all about him, when it should have been me. The next weekend, I went out on a date with a super hot guy. The weekend after that, another date with another super hot guy. Of course, word got out to him that I had already moved on, and the little green monster did his thing. This man finally realized what he had and what he threw away. And after our two-week split, he actually came back and apologized.

Long story short, we did get back together. He had my heart but he had to earn back my trust. And he did – in time. Now he’s my husband.

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All Aboard the train to relationship failure

We all have relationship stories to share, some good, some bad. In my new book, Manimals, coming out soon, one of the things I talk about is why we choose the wrong mate. In the book, I will be asking you, my readers, to share your experiences, good or bad, with different types of men. This story comes today from one of my faithful readers, Susannah.

Susannah’s Story

My story begins longer ago than I would like to admit – 36 years ago, when I was a sophomore in high school. I had a small group of friends – 3 girls and 3 guys with a few on the periphery. The girl across the street, we’ll call her Amy, was dating one of the guys on the periphery, and one day, right before we went bowling, they broke up.

I was drawn to him like a fly to a pile of…well, you know what. I was severely lacking in confidence for reasons too numerous to go into here. Suffice it to say I had little confidence. Like most 16 year olds, I had little idea of what I believed in, what I wanted out of life, or anything else for that matter. He seemed to me to have it all together. He was good-looking, a bit of a goof-off, but not too bad, smart and he worked out. Hubba hubba.

I’ll sum up our high school dating years by saying that we dated from that day at the bowling alley through to graduation, with a short break in our senior year. BIG mistake, looking back, but I since I had no confidence, I felt that no other guy would ever want to date me, so I hung onto him and fought hard for him when he decided to date Karen, and then Diane. Ultimately, I “won”, or at least I thought so back then. My parents hated my dating him, their feelings were no great secret.

We went to different colleges, but they were only about 45 minutes away from each other, so we still saw one another quite a bit. On Christmas of our freshman year of college, we were engaged. By the following December, we were welcoming our first daughter into the world – married somewhere in between. Our son was born 2 years later, immediately before my husband graduated from college.

Our marriage survived for 12 years before the divorce that was inevitable came about. By then, we had three daughters and a son, ranging in age from 2 to 11. A wave of relief washed over me the day he said he was leaving. I knew I was miserable, but I had no idea just how miserable I had become.

What ultimately broke us up was that, throughout the prior 4 years or so, I had begun volunteering at the private school our children attended. I developed hobbies, friendships and a sense of self-worth. Since he still had none, and had survived on being the controlling force in our relationship, me gaining confidence just didn’t make things work anymore.

Looking back on it, it is easy to dissect why we failed. I didn’t know myself – at all, and neither did he. We both lacked confidence in a big way, and had many issues to deal with – things we should have dealt with before jumping into a relationship.

Gregg’s Notes

Ken really doesn’t fall into one of the ten categories of men I included in Manimals. If I had to label him, I’d say he fits into a category called The Control Freak. The Control Freak can be described as someone who feels only he can do something the right way. He issues constructive criticism, thinking he’s helping, when of course, he’s not. The truth behind a control freak is that he is suffering from a case of anxiety. Inside the head of a control freak are what I call ultimate doom thoughts:

If this job doesn’t get done in exactly 15 minutes, I’ll get fired.
If I am not home to play with my kids by 6, they will hate me.
If I don’t get a raise, we won’t be able to afford to live.

Here are a few signs that someone is a control freak:

He believes that if you could just change one or two things about yourself, he would be happier; the control freak therefore takes it upon himself to help you make those changes;

He does not believe in imperfection, so he micromanages you to make sure you are perfectly executing every aspect of your life;

He punishes you with silence – using this as a tool to modify your behavior when he feels that you are behaving in a wrong way; this is called passive aggressive behavior;

He offers constructive criticism as a means of trying to modify your behavior, when really, his agenda is foremost in his mind;

He attempts to manage your impression of him by changing what he believes in or who he is to fit what they think you want:

Do I like horror movies? Sure I do – oh, you don’t – yeah, I think they’re lame too;

He uses something called fear mongering to dissuade you from doing things you want to do – he presents a worst-case scenario and hopes it influences your decision:

You know, if you take this job, you won’t be home for the kids and they will start hating you;

He needs to know everything, ambiguity is the worst nightmare of a control freak – if you are going to the grocery store, he wants to see your list, estimate how long you will be gone and your travel time, and will expect you to be back at exactly the moment he has calculated; anything else will cause him to pop a cork – by the way, he can come and go as he pleases;

He helps you by intervening in situations, trying to explain behaviors of yours that he perceives to be unacceptable.

The control freak is sort of an odd name for this type of person who, in reality, feels he has very little control over his life. He lives in fear of someone discovering that he is somewhat less than perfect, and uses the above tactics to ensure this doesn’t happen.

The Rest of Susannah’s Story

When you are in the somewhat less-than-capable hands of a control freak, you probably don’t realize it, but others around you do. My ex-husband had trouble controlling anger. He never hit one of our children, or me, but he used emotional abuse as a weapon – and it is every bit as bad as physical abuse. My parents saw it – everybody around us saw it, everyone except me, that is.

I have been divorced from him now for 20 years. It took me many years to truly gain the confidence I needed to move ahead in life. Meanwhile, I continued to choose the wrong men to be around, but I have never remarried. I will, some day. I finally feel that I am prepared to make a good choice!

Now it’s Your Turn!

Now it’s your turn to share your stories of men you have dated in the comments below. Feel free to change names if you feel it’s necessary. Use your own discretion. We would love to hear your tales of woe – or success!

All Aboard the Train to Relationship Failure

We all have relationship stories to share, some good, some bad. In my new book, Manimals, coming out soon, one of the things I talk about is why we choose the wrong mate. In the book, I will be asking you, my readers, to share your experiences, good or bad, with different types of men. This story comes today from one of my faithful readers, Susannah.

Susannah’s Story

My story begins longer ago than I would like to admit – 36 years ago, when I was a sophomore in high school. I had a small group of friends – 3 girls and 3 guys with a few on the periphery. The girl across the street, we’ll call her Amy, was dating one of the guys on the periphery, and one day, right before we went bowling, they broke up.

I was drawn to him like a fly to a pile of…well, you know what. I was severely lacking in confidence for reasons too numerous to go into here. Suffice it to say I had little confidence. Like most 16 year olds, I had little idea of what I believed in, what I wanted out of life, or anything else for that matter. He seemed to me to have it all together. He was good-looking, a bit of a goof-off, but not too bad, smart and he worked out. Hubba hubba.

I’ll sum up our high school dating years by saying that we dated from that day at the bowling alley through to graduation, with a short break in our senior year. BIG mistake, looking back, but I since I had no confidence, I felt that no other guy would ever want to date me, so I hung onto him and fought hard for him when he decided to date Karen, and then Diane. Ultimately, I “won”, or at least I thought so back then. My parents hated my dating him, their feelings were no great secret.

We went to different colleges, but they were only about 45 minutes away from each other, so we still saw one another quite a bit. On Christmas of our freshman year of college, we were engaged. By the following December, we were welcoming our first daughter into the world – married somewhere in between. Our son was born 2 years later, immediately before my husband graduated from college.

Our marriage survived for 12 years before the divorce that was inevitable came about. By then, we had three daughters and a son, ranging in age from 2 to 11. A wave of relief washed over me the day he said he was leaving. I knew I was miserable, but I had no idea just how miserable I had become.

What ultimately broke us up was that, throughout the prior 4 years or so, I had begun volunteering at the private school our children attended. I developed hobbies, friendships and a sense of self-worth. Since he still had none, and had survived on being the controlling force in our relationship, me gaining confidence just didn’t make things work anymore.

Looking back on it, it is easy to dissect why we failed. I didn’t know myself – at all, and neither did he. We both lacked confidence in a big way, and had many issues to deal with – things we should have dealt with before jumping into a relationship.

Gregg’s Notes

Ken really doesn’t fall into one of the ten categories of men I included in Manimals. If I had to label him, I’d say he fits into a category called The Control Freak. The Control Freak can be described as someone who feels only he can do something the right way. He issues constructive criticism, thinking he’s helping, when of course, he’s not. The truth behind a control freak is that he is suffering from a case of anxiety. Inside the head of a control freak are what I call ultimate doom thoughts:

If this job doesn’t get done in exactly 15 minutes, I’ll get fired
If I am not home to play with my kids by 6, they will hate me
If I don’t get a raise, we won’t be able to afford to live

Here are a few signs that someone is a control freak:

He believes that if you could just change one or two things about yourself, he would be happier; the control freak therefore takes it upon himself to help you make those changes;
He does not believe in imperfection, so he micromanages you to make sure you are perfectly executing every aspect of your life;
He punishes you with silence – using this as a tool to modify your behavior when he feels that you are behaving in a wrong way; this is called passive aggressive behavior;
He offers constructive criticism as a means of trying to modify your behavior, when really, his agenda is foremost in his mind;
He attempts to manage your impression of him by changing what he believes in or who he is to fit what they think you want:

Do I like horror movies? Sure I do – oh, you don’t – yeah, I think they’re lame too;
He uses something called fear mongering to dissuade you from doing things you want to do – he presents a worst-case scenario and hopes it influences your decision:

You know, if you take this job, you won’t be home for the kids and they will start hating you;
He needs to know everything, ambiguity is the worst nightmare of a control freak – if you are going to the grocery store, he wants to see your list, estimate how long you will be gone and your travel time, and will expect you to be back at exactly the moment he has calculated; anything else will cause him to pop a cork – by the way, he can come and go as he pleases;
He helps you by intervening in situations, trying to explain behaviors of yours that he perceives to be unacceptable.

The control freak is sort of an odd name for this type of person who, in reality, feels he has very little control over his life. He lives in fear of someone discovering that he is somewhat less than perfect, and uses the above tactics to ensure this doesn’t happen.

The Rest of Susannah’s Story

When you are in the somewhat less-than-capable hands of a control freak, you probably don’t realize it, but others around you do. My ex-husband had trouble controlling anger. He never hit one of our children, or me, but he used emotional abuse as a weapon – and it is every bit as bad as physical abuse. My parents saw it – everybody around us saw it, everyone except me, that is.

I have been divorced from him now for 20 years. It took me many years to truly gain the confidence I needed to move ahead in life. Meanwhile, I continued to choose the wrong men to be around, but I have never remarried. I will, some day. I finally feel that I am prepared to make a good choice!

Now it’s Your Turn!

Now it’s your turn to share your stories of men you have dated in the comments below. Feel free to change names if you feel it’s necessary. Use your own discretion. We would love to hear your tales of woe – or success!

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Mentoring – It’s Time!

I was taking a shower this morning and I had a great idea, somewhere between scrubbing my toes and rinsing the shampoo from my eyes.

My idea was this: somewhere around the 7th grade we should all be assigned a mentor for the school year! This should be mandatory. He or she, with the help from their parents, and maybe the school counselors, would pick someone from the community whom they would like to connect with for a mentor.

It would really be cool if mentoring became our civic duty, like voting, so every child could get a leg-up. The benefits would be twofold: the mentor would get recognized for what he or she does in life, boosting his or her confidence and making them better people with better confidence; and the children would get a new friend, cheerleaders and motivator to help them learn to make better life decisions. The children would get new ideas, and they can see how these people have made a difference and really helped others.

Mentors can come in the form of all the wonderful people who make any community vibrant – firemen, barbers, construction workers and volunteers can all come together to mentor one child for a school year. I know that we have seen this before but it usually happens one day out of the school year where people just come in and speak to a class for day. I advocate a mentoring program much more comprehensive.

In addition, l advocate a course one day a week, taught to every 7th grader by life coaches who can teach children about having a life vision, the importance of goals and goal setting techniques. These were the things that I was exposed to as a kid, because my dad was a life coach. It changed my life for the better.

This would be especially helpful for the children who don’t have proper role models in their lives. The children who do have role models will get an outside, unbiased understanding of what their life options could be.

In either case, whether they live in the inner city or the suburbs, children would be less likely to choose gangs, drugs or other detrimental life choices. This would lead to a better society, and yes, better relationships that will lead to better family units when they decide to settle down.

I can’t see any downside to this mentoring program, can you?

Absolutely no cost to the community
No endless, useless, political fighting
Mentors who benefit from volunteering and in turn build their confidence
The children get to see the positive choices available to them

OK, back to my shower, I am not done scrubbing.

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5 Moves to Keep Your Relationship Thriving!

Who Holds the Cards Now?: 5 Lethal Steps to Win His Heart and Get Him to Commit

You think everything is going great in your relationship? That’s terrific, but sustaining that should not be taken for granted! There are some things you should do to keep the passion pumping. Try starting with these five ideas.

Book a stay at a B&B
B&B’s scream romance! Think about it, chocolates placed on your pillows, your own Jacuzzi, a toasty fireplace and lounging in your very own fluffy, white robe! The two of you will come home refreshed, recharged and excited about being together. But Gregg, B&B’s don’t have these amenities, they have shared bathrooms, no Jacuzzis and few have fireplaces. Wrong! I know of one and I even made a deal for you!

My sister, Cheryl, owns an unbelievable (rated in the top 25 in the country) B & B called The Berry Manor Inn in Rockland, Maine. I asked her to give us a coupon for 10% off – albeit, I will pay dearly for this request, but this is my problem.

Here’s the deal:
Berry Manor Inn has been named one of the top B & B’s in the U.S. by TripAdvisor and one of Maine’s most romantic inns. Book a king in the carriage house and enjoy an oversized whirlpool tub for two and a custom 2 person walk-in body jet shower. Book a two night stay before 6/30/2015 at the Berry Manor Inn in Rockland, Maine. Use code “Couples10” for a 10% discount.
And you thought I was kidding!

Seek counseling
Yes, sit down with a pro before things start to get ugly! I never understand why people wait until it’s too late! Go while things are great! That’s like weighing 400 lbs. and deciding to go on a diet. No! Tackle the problem when you are 5-10 lbs. overweight. Nip things in the bud, long before any issues arise. This doesn’t need to be torture, and it doesn’t need to be with a marriage counselor. Your pastor or a dating/relationship pro are excellent alternatives. The latter can make things fun and give you some great exercises.

Play a sex game
This is fun! Stay in on a Saturday night and play a sex game. Have a few cocktails, make a nice dinner together and go to it. The game will direct you to do things that you have secretly wanted to do but were to “embarrassed” to admit – it’s exciting and it could make things steamier in the bedroom. Naked Twister anyone?

Have sex in an elevator
Ok, these days they have cameras mounted in the corners (I learned that one the hard way) so maybe that’s not too smart but you get the idea. Mix it up and move it outside of the bedroom. Maybe in your car or at cheap motel or even on top of the washer during the spin cycle. I got away with it on Jet Blue!

Couples date with a catch
I like this one. Think of that time when you went out and some couple was all over each other. It was annoying and yet, deep down, you wished it was you. This time, make it you! Go out with another couple (or couples). Go for dinner, dancing or comedy, but here’s the catch - agree beforehand to be the most lovey dovey couple of the group! Not only that, but agree that you must be the most lovey dovey couple at the venue. It’s fun and silly and your friends will laugh and wish that they were as much in love as you are.

Try these 5 things to keep your relationship thriving and you guys will be good to go for another 3 years!

The Do's and Don'ts of Dating in the Workplace

To Date a Man, You Must Understand a Man: The Keys to Catch a Great Guy

Hi - Tiffany here. OK, maybe I watch too many movies, but there is something exciting about an office romance. Maybe he’s the gorgeous new guy who makes your heart race and distracts you from your deadline, or the sweet, adorable man with whom you work closely day in and day out. Regardless of where you find him, eventually, the sparks fly and you can’t deny the attraction any longer.

Since most of our time is spent at the office, it’s not surprising that dating a colleague happens pretty often. In fact, according to a recent survey of 8,000 employees, conducted by the job-search website CareerBuilder.com, four out of 10 people have dated someone they work with. Add to that the Payscale office romance report that shows one out of five people who gave inter-office relationships a shot ended up marrying their coworker, and you may be tempted to try it yourself! However, there are some smart rules to follow before you dive in.

Do Follow The Company Policy On Dating

Every company is different and you need to be sure you aren’t violating any corporate regulations that could jeopardize your job and negatively impact your professional career. Many organizations have no-fraternization policies, so you need to decide if dating the guy is worth the risk of getting fired, if that is the case. If dating is allowed, do be open and honest, and be sure to notify your boss first before everyone else finds out. You don’t need to go into the details of your love life, but you and your coworker need to professionally acknowledge that you are dating so your supervisor is not caught off guard.

Do Set Rules From The Start

Before you and your colleague head down this path, it’s a good idea to have a discussion about what is appropriate and what is not. Even if you are open about the relationship, posting pictures and sharing TMI (too much information) on social media is a big no-no. The same should go for physical displays of affection in front of your coworkers (hot and heavy kissing and the innocent stuff like hugging and holding hands). Skip the cutesy terms of endearment. Keep it professional at the office, and work–related social gatherings — this even includes happy hour with your coworkers, no matter how difficult that may be!

Don’t Date The Boss

This is a BIG one. Dating someone higher on the office ladder than you can only lead to trouble, especially if he is the person you report to. If you seriously can’t resist each other, request to report to someone else or find another job. You need to be careful in this kind if situation, to avoid heated arguments and hard feelings within the relationship, or accusations of favoritism from coworkers who feel threatened by your relationship. It’s easy to become the target of office gossip when the boss is your main squeeze, and sadly you may be accused of using sex to get ahead, even though it’s just not true.

Don’t Bring Work Home

It’s hard not to talk shop when the day is done, but working together is not the only aspect of your relationship. Keeping the focus on work is a sure-fire way to fizzle out fast. You have to keep it professional at the office, but your private, personal time is a whole different story. On a separate note, spending all day and all night together can be too much of a good thing. It’s easy to get caught up in a new relationship, but don’t neglect the other aspects of your life, especially when dating a coworker. Carving out time for yourself, having lunch with a friend, or planning a girl’s night out is actually good for your relationship. Just don’t spend the entire time talking about your great new guy!

Some Final Thoughts

Although you may find the love of your life in the cubicle next to you, not all office romances end happily. If the relationship doesn’t work out, you still have to see that person every day — and work with him. Even if he was a total jerk, take the high road and don’t vent to coworkers about your negative feelings. Don’t fume or mope around, and don’t let your personal issues get in the way of your professional working relationship. You are both adults, so hopefully he will have the same respect for you. And if you follow Gregg’s advice, you will attract a quality man in no time — in or out of the office.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Dating in the Workplace

Hi — Tiffany here. OK, maybe I watch too many movies, but there is something exciting about an office romance. Maybe he’s the gorgeous new guy who makes your heart race and distracts you from your deadline, or the sweet, adorable man with whom you work closely day in and day out. Regardless of where you find him, eventually, the sparks fly and you can’t deny the attraction any longer.

Since most of our time is spent at the office, it’s not surprising that dating a colleague happens pretty often. In fact, according to a recent survey of 8,000 employees, conducted by the job-search website CareerBuilder.com, four out of 10 people have dated someone they work with. Add to that the Payscale office romance report that shows one out of five people who gave inter-office relationships a shot ended up marrying their coworker, and you may be tempted to try it yourself! However, there are some smart rules to follow before you dive in.

Do Follow The Company Policy On Dating

Every company is different and you need to be sure you aren’t violating any corporate regulations that could jeopardize your job and negatively impact your professional career. Many organizations have no-fraternization policies, so you need to decide if dating the guy is worth the risk of getting fired, if that is the case. If dating is allowed, do be open and honest, and be sure to notify your boss first before everyone else finds out. You don’t need to go into the details of your love life, but you and your coworker need to professionally acknowledge that you are dating so your supervisor is not caught off guard.

Do Set Rules From The Start

Before you and your colleague head down this path, it’s a good idea to have a discussion about what is appropriate and what is not. Even if you are open about the relationship, posting pictures and sharing TMI (too much information) on social media is a big no-no. The same should go for physical displays of affection in front of your coworkers (hot and heavy kissing and the innocent stuff like hugging and holding hands). Skip the cutesy terms of endearment. Keep it professional at the office, and work–related social gatherings — this even includes happy hour with your coworkers, no matter how difficult that may be!

Don’t Date The Boss

This is a BIG one. Dating someone higher on the office ladder than you can only lead to trouble, especially if he is the person you report to. If you seriously can’t resist each other, request to report to someone else or find another job. You need to be careful in this kind if situation, to avoid heated arguments and hard feelings within the relationship, or accusations of favoritism from coworkers who feel threatened by your relationship. It’s easy to become the target of office gossip when the boss is your main squeeze, and sadly you may be accused of using sex to get ahead, even though it’s just not true.

Don’t Bring Work Home

It’s hard not to talk shop when the day is done, but working together is not the only aspect of your relationship. Keeping the focus on work is a sure-fire way to fizzle out fast. You have to keep it professional at the office, but your private, personal time is a whole different story. On a separate note, spending all day and all night together can be too much of a good thing. It’s easy to get caught up in a new relationship, but don’t neglect the other aspects of your life, especially when dating a coworker. Carving out time for yourself, having lunch with a friend, or planning a girl’s night out is actually good for your relationship. Just don’t spend the entire time talking about your great new guy!

Some Final Thoughts

Although you may find the love of your life in the cubicle next to you, not all office romances end happily. If the relationship doesn’t work out, you still have to see that person every day — and work with him. Even if he was a total jerk, take the high road and don’t vent to coworkers about your negative feelings. Don’t fume or mope around, and don’t let your personal issues get in the way of your professional working relationship. You are both adults, so hopefully he will have the same respect for you. And if you follow Gregg’s advice, you will attract a quality man in no time — in or out of the office.

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Help Me Gregg! My Guy is Pulling Back!

If there is one question I get asked the most it is some version of this one:

“Gregg, I have been dating this guy for 5 weeks, everything was going great, we were hot and heavy and Mark was telling me how much he liked me and we were even planning our future. Then he started to back off. His texts slowed down and his phone calls stopped all together. He says he has been really busy lately with his Job and family. I got sarcastic with him Monday and now I haven’t heard from him for 2 days. What do I do coach?  – Jenn

The first thing we need to do is understand what is happening here. Then, we will know what to do. Call it our DNA in action, genetics, or the tools God gave us – I don’t care, but it’s inside all men.

Guys pursue women like it’s a sport. This is our offensive mode. Everything is there for us. The challenge of trying to win you over, the competition from other men, and even our testosterone cheering us on.  Of course, you have a lot to do with this too. You are showing us all the right signs that you are worth the pursuit with your looks, your style and your confidence.

All is good for a few weeks or maybe a few months. Then, something happens after a fairly short amount of time.

We freak out!

This is what is happening to Jenn, Mark is freaking out. The reason Mark is freaking out is because men also have a defensive mode inside them. It’s like a switch that goes off in our heads when we start see what is looming before us.

Our defensive mode says:

She is going to take all my money
She is going to take away all my friends
I will never be able to have sex with another woman again

Sounds pitiful huh? The funny thing is that we want to provide and spend money on you. We want you to take us away from our friends and we want to only have sex with one awesome girl – you. But we’re stupid and we need you show us the way. If you don’t, we will return to our caveman roots.

She is going to take all my money

In my best seller, To Date a Man, You Must Understand a Man, you learned about the importance of money and status in a man’s life. This is our life’s blood. Take away these things and we lose our ability to provide.

How to counter this.

Pitch in on dates. Offer to buy drinks here and there and show us your willingness to contribute. This is why your financials are so important, as I tell you in To Date a Man, You Must Understand Yourself.

Even if the guy you are dating is rich, it doesn’t matter! Pitch in. This neutralizes our (granted silly) illusion of losing all our money.

She is going to take away all of my friends

Another huge fear of ours. We see it all the time with our married buddies. They can’t go out anymore, no more trips, no more playing poker on Tuesdays and no more fun…all because of that woman!

How to counter this

You have trust in your relationship, right? Then let him do things with his friends! Let him golf on Sunday mornings and go drinking with his buddies now and then. If you do, he will actually want to be with you more. Go out with your own friends and even do a weekend trip every now and then away from each other. This is exciting because you are allowed to miss your significant other.

I will never be able to have sex with another woman again

This is the controversial one! You’re wondering how I’m going to deal with this one, right? Again, I don’t make excuses for how we are, and I admit that I’m not always proud of how we are wired, but these are the facts. God built us to procreate with as many women as we can! Ouch.

How to counter this

Your goal is show us that we don’t need any other woman in our lives but you. This is done by providing us the competition and the mystery that we thrive on. Trick us into thinking that we are “still pursuing you” by staying one step ahead of us, not making us your hobby and joining your social network outside of ours on a regular basis. Add craziness in the bedroom and you have neutralized instinct #3! Remember, we are simple creatures, it does not take much more than this to keep us at your side forever.

I also don’t care if it’s been 5 weeks or 10 years with your man – have these tactics in your toolbox ready to go when, and if, you need them. I say this because the old “midlife crisis” is the next example of our defenses kicking in so get ready for that too, and counter it with my advice above.

In Conclusion

Don’t take our money. Make us want to give you our money. We will if you show us that it’s not that important to you when you contribute.
Don’t rob us of our friends. Instead, make us want to be with you and not them. Ironically, This is accomplished by letting us be with them! At the same time, spend time with your friends.
Make us only want to be with you and no other woman. Provide us the competition and the mystery that we thrive on from time to time. Keep things exciting under the sheets!

Read To Date a Man You Must Understand a Man Now!


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5 Dating Advantages of Being an Introvert

Hi — Tiffany here. Do you consider yourself an introvert? If so, you know we introverts aren’t necessarily shy. Many of us have our moments, where we do just fine mingling at a party or other large social setting. But once we get back home, we can finally relax and regroup on our own (insert sigh of relief here). We can deal with crowds and noisy venues if we must, but we prefer quieter, solitary activities and more intimate relationships. We like deep conversations (small talk drives us nuts). We’re analytical. We’re great listeners. We’re also mysterious and passionate about life. Virtue and trust rank high on our list of qualities we look for in a man. And we are selective when it comes to friends (and boyfriends). We don’t share our lives with just anyone.

But in a dating world filled with extroverts saying, “Look at me!” how can we possibly stand out? We have a lot of fine qualities, but still — we are certainly less outspoken, definitely more reserved. You would think being an introvert would be a disadvantage when it comes to dating — but it’s not! Guys love introverted women for so many reasons! According to best-selling author and dating coach Gregg Michaelsen, “Introverts are not wed to a life of being single.” Yes, we introverts can stand on our own. But we don’t have to!

It’s time to use our unique traits to our advantage in the dating world. We can compete with extroverts without sacrificing or changing who we are! In Be Quiet and Date Me: Dating for Introverts in a World That Never Stops Talking, Gregg gives us the tools to navigate the dating world as an introvert, and gives the confidence we need to truly feel like a woman of value. Here are five dating advantages to being an introvert.

#1 Introverts have the ability to build strong interpersonal relationships

We have a greater need for intimacy, and we develop strong bonds within our small circle. We care about the people in our lives and take the time to learn about who they really are as a person. Extroverts probably have lots more friends than we do, but likely not as many close friends. Our ability to build strong interpersonal relationships with our friends can be a real asset when it comes to finding a soul mate to live happily ever after with.

#2 Introverts really listen

Extroverts talk loudly over people to get their point across, and quickly move from subject to subject. We are careful listeners and deep thinkers — attractive qualities to the opposite sex. We process the information we hear, and wait our turn. We never interrupt a conversation. But when we do talk, people WANT to listen in the same way we do, because they know what we say will be worthwhile. We may not always be the life of the party, but we are masters at real conversation. Gregg is right, being an introvert is a true gift!

#3 Introverts truly care

We introverts are great at remembering important dates like birthdays and anniversaries. We care about others more than we care about ourselves. Being thoughtful is a great trait to have, and keeps us out of trouble. How many times have you gotten upset with a guy for being selfish and forgetful? Introverts are also quick to sense feelings. We know when someone is upset and we care enough do something about it. We are also adept at thinking outside the box — our unorthodox creativity helps us navigate through the tough times in a relationship.

#4 Introverts act carefully

Introverts think situations through before we act or speak…. always. Instead of going on a gut instinct and or saying something impulsive that we regret later, we make decisions slowly and more carefully and take the time to formulate our words. And when we do mess up, we can admit we are wrong! Now that’s the key to a successful relationship!

#5 Introverts prefer quality over quantity

We may not be the most popular girl at the party, but we are truly loved within our small, close-knit circle of friends. Because of our caring nature and good attributes, we are well suited to focus on one guy, and really take the time and effort to build a quality relationship that will stand the test of time. And that’s what matters most on the path to love!

Kind of makes you wonder if we would all be better off being more introverted? Just another deep thought for us to ponder….

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