Gregg Michaelsen's Blog, page 24

Do You Really Challenge Yourself? Build Confidence with Something New

Do you ever just sort of assess where you are in life? Nothing too deep, just stuff like have I done anything really daring lately? Or what’s the one thing in life I’ll NEVER do? It’s Kirbie today, and I’ve been running this question through my head quite a bit lately. I’m not sure I’m happy with the answer.

We have a big family vacation coming up in about a week. I’m looking to it with mixed emotions, but that’s a different story. My middle daughter, who is wound pretty tight, is talking about going zip-lining. To say that I am shocked that she’s even uttered the words is an understatement, but she has. She and her boyfriend are planning to go zip-lining while we’re relaxing in the beautiful foothills of the Smokey Mountains.

Between her wanting to do that, and rereading a couple of Gregg’s books lately, I’ve begun to wonder what I’ve done lately to challenge myself or do something I’m afraid of. The answer is very little. I’ve taken risks, no doubt, and I do feel more confident because of them, but there are some things on my “I’d never do that” list that I’m reconsidering.

When I look back on my 50+ years of life, I realize that I have taken risks in the past. I rode a roller coaster, actually two different roller coasters on two different trips to the same amusement park. Both times, the risk was taken due to peer pressure (ahh high school!). I’m terrified of roller coasters, so this was a biggie for me. Even those water log rides are pushing it for me, but if my Mom will go, who am I to stand and hold purses?

In the 30 years since high school, I don’t think I’ve taken many big risks. I did take a trip to Lake Tahoe many years ago, and hiked with a boyfriend up the mountain. It was just a day hike – maybe 4 hours up, 5 or so back down, and it was a tremendous challenge for me because I have major knee issues. I felt such a sense of pride and accomplishment, and I’d actually like to do it again.

I was recently rereading To Date a Man, You Must Understand a Man as Gregg is getting ready to sell it right on the Who Holds website (how exciting is that!?!). While reading, this issue of challenging yourself came up again and I started thinking about what I’ve done lately that was risky or challenging. Other than leaving corporate America to work on my own, I can’t come up with much – some public speaking and a trip by myself to France is all I’ve got. It’s time to make some changes!

My first step will be to make a new list of goals – on this list will be things that are a little risky, to me anyway. Once I have my list, I am going to make a plan of attack. I use the word attack instead of action because I think I need to attack my fears. Taking action just seems too mild mannered – the Clark Kent instead of Superman – or Superwoman!

After that, I need to find someone brave enough to go with me. Shouldn’t be a problem. Then, it’s time to take some risks. Some of the things on my list are truly things I’m terrified of, so I’m going to have to muster up quite a bit of courage, but I think I can manage.

Have you assessed your risk-taking lately? What have you done that presented you with a true challenge? Go with me into the brave side and take a challenge. Then, tell me what you did below!

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The True Story of a Successful Long-Distance Relationship

Hi, Gregg here with another reader story. This one comes from Emerson, who wanted to share with you her story of a successful long distance relationship. I always encourage you, my readers, to send me your stories. Only with your permission will I publish them, though, so don’t worry. Your stories are otherwise confidential!

Hi, my name is Emerson. When was the last time you got a handwritten love letter? I get them more often than most women do. Now let me ask you this, when was the last time you kissed your love? Probably this morning before he or she went off to work, right? Mine was three months ago when I dropped him off at the airport to go back to his duty station 3,000 miles away. Crazy, huh? How do I do it? How can that actually work? Trust me; I’ve heard all the questions.

It started six years ago when my husband was on shore duty in the Navy. During shore duty he is on land and doesn’t have to go to sea for three years. We met through an online dating site and knew pretty early it was going to be something special. He was such a romantic. He surprised me with a trip to Disney World on our third date. Go ahead ladies, drool. I had found my keeper! When things got serious we had the discussion of when he would relocate and go back to sea. I have children from a previous marriage and share joint custody with my ex-husband. Moving with the Navy wasn’t an option.

As much as you prepare yourself (or try to prepare yourself) for the change, you’re never really ready. It was the hardest thing to put him on that plane knowing it would be months before I saw him again. Even worse, he is on a submarine so it limits our contact while he’s away. They don’t have phones down there and I’m not a mermaid.

I was always a believer that Long Distance Relationships (LDRs) would never work. Like Gregg says in the fashion of Yoda, do or do not, there is no try. Of course what he actually said was, “make a commitment or call it off, there is no room for the in-between.” But, same thing. There is no truer statement. You have to be all in or it will never work, but if your love can pass the test of physical separation, you will have a bond with true staying power.

I have learned in the three years living 3,000 miles apart from my husband that our love has actually grown stronger. “Distance in miles doesn’t have to mean distance in affection”, as Gregg put it in his best selling book, Committed to Love, Separated by Distance: How to Thrive in Your Long Distance Relationship. Since my husband moved, we have become so much more affectionate. Toward the end of three years of living together, before the move, we began to take each other for granted. He was busy with his life and I was busy with mine. We would have the meaningless, “How was your day?” conversation and kiss before we turned out the light. It was going through the motions. Being forced apart actually brought us together.

The transition wasn’t easy, but we learned ways to make it work. In the beginning it was hard to figure out what to say. It was like we were having the same stale conversation again and again. We had to figure a way to break through that. Luckily with the help of Gregg we did. Now, we have virtual date nights Skyping while we watch our favorite TV shows together (of course, they are prerecorded since we are on a three hour time difference). I found a fun with a list of interesting questions and asked my husband a different question each day from the list. We send handwritten love letters and care packages out of the blue. When we do get to spend time together physically, we don’t take a moment of that for granted. It’s almost like the “honeymoon phase” of our early romance. We understand how important it is to maintain a strong connection.

While he is away at sea we don’t get those phone calls or FaceTime. Those are the hardest. I keep a journal for him. I write him love letters every day (like a real life version of The Notebook, minus the dementia part). I make notes of funny things in entertainment news, viral videos he would love, and general happenings that he is missing while he is submerged under the sea.

I am an alligator wrestler (in the words of Gregg). I do what people believe can’t be done. I have a happy and fulfilled marriage to a wonderful man who happens to live 3,000 miles away from me. True love knows no geographical bounds. No relationship is perfect, but if it is worth having, it is worth fighting for. Life’s roughest storms prove the strength of our anchors, and our love has proven it is tough enough to withstand a hurricane. The countdown is on for his return, for good this time. He will be relocating back home to me this fall and we cannot wait! Our family marks off the calendar each day in anticipation of his return. Now, to transition back to living under the same roof after three years apart… I may to seek out some help from Gregg on that!

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Top 10 Texting Blunders Women Make

As I state in my #1 best Seller, Power Texting Men, texting men is all about flirting, building excitement and getting a guy to the next date. But many women treat it as much more and that is not a good thing! I have compiled my top 10 texting blunders below.

You don’t change up when you text

Don’t text him every morning at 9 and each night before bed at 11. That shouts, “I lead a boring, scheduled life.” Keep him on his toes by texting him at different times of day.

Drunk texting

Need I say more? We have all done it – and regretted it. Shut down your phone, give it to your girlfriend or leave it inside your car. He doesn’t need to be told “I love you” 14 times.

Texting like he is your girlfriend

Ah, no. Don’t contact him and tell him about your day at the mall. He does not want to know how much money you saved by buying 10 pairs of shoes instead of 5. Victoria’s Secret? That’s a different text all together!

Texting like a 10 year old

“SRSLY! BTW, wut u doin 2nite?” Please! You are going to make me puke. Yes, it was cute when we were both were 10, but not now. Do this now and we are on to greener texting pastures.

Sexting

Yet another bad idea. Sites are popping up all over the place that long for these naked pics so men can get even with their ex’s. Don’t do it. If you must, then no head shots. Maybe show a little cleavage or low panty lines – this gets guys even more horny.

Texting that leads nowhere

Don’t texti him something like, “Wow, a just saw a cool car go by.” I’m thinking, who cares? How am I supposed to respond to that? And yet, I must. Again, texting is for flirting, getting to a date or building excitement between dates – and that’s it!

You went too heavy

No. No! And NO! Never tell a man serious crap by texting. “Where are we headed in this relationship” or “I love you more than ever today” is not for texting. In fact, it should never happen anyway but do it in a text and you will be buying my book, How to Get Your Ex Back Fast!

The apology text

This is similar to the last one, but it stands alone because it is so awful! Never apologize to man, and this includes JK (just kidding), unless you run over his dog in his driveway.

Double and triple texting

Not good. This makes you look desperate. If you ask him a question and he doesn’t respond, don’t ask again or say, “Did you get my text?” Of course he got your text. Be a high-value woman and shut it down until he texts you.

Chat room texting

Don’t rapid text like you are Skyping or IM’ing. Texting is a slow process, or it should be on your end. Slow it down and text back minutes, hours, days or even weeks later.

Avoid these 10 texting blunders and watch the men on the opposite end of your text start making these 10 mistakes!!! This is a good thing.

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Sex and the new relationship: When is the right time for sex?

Gregg today and I have a guest post to share with you. This one comes from someone you’ve heard from before, Amber, who shared her relationship story with us a couple of weeks ago. She has a great topic to share with you today!

Hey ladies, Amber here! You’ve heard the old adage, “Why would he buy the cow if he can get the milk for free?” Well, maybe there’s some truth to that. Taking it slow can actually be a good thing in a new relationship, even if he is incredibly irresistible.

WebMD and relationship experts, including Gregg, overwhelmingly agree a cautious approach to sex is best when dating. In fact, they believe jumping into the sack too soon can lead to some seriously emotional (and possibly even physical) consequences. It takes time to get to know another person, and it’s especially hard to see what he is really all about when you get lost in the heat of passion. What if he’s not such a good guy? What if he sleeps around? Can you trust him? Is he looking for a committed, monogamous relationship? Or just sex. Have you known him long enough to REALLY know?

The sad truth is, men are wired to want to have sex — to conquer as many women as possible and spread their seed. Yes, even the nice guys…. at first. A woman is wired differently. We want to have the love of just one man and a family to nurture. If you let a guy “conquer” you too quickly, he will move on to the next woman just as quickly. But if you are a challenge, he will pursue you. And when he finally wins you, he will cherish and honor you. You will become his ultimate prize. I know, it all sounds so primitive and primal, but it’s also pretty accurate. Sleeping with a man on the first, or even after the third or fourth date, is probably too soon. Intelligent, confident women should know this, but still, we sometimes fall prey to their wily ways. A player is always going to play, but a good guy may just end up marrying you if you wait until you KNOW he is genuinely in love with you, and is committed to only you.

So let’s say you meet a guy you are really attracted to. You’ve been on a bunch of dates and have great conversations. Time passes, and you both feel a real connection, emotionally and physically. You may even be thinking this guy could possibly be THE ONE. Whenever you’re together your feelings grow even stronger, and you may be wondering when to take your relationship to the next level. When is the right time to get to know him intimately? When the time is right, you’ll both know. You can’t plan it, and you wouldn’t want to.

But remember, in any relationship, it’s important to keep the lines of communication open no matter what. If you’re too embarrassed to talk about it, you probably shouldn’t be doing it. So if you really are thinking about taking that next step together (to the bedroom) and the time is right, have an honest conversation about what you want out of this relationship and where you two are headed. STDs also need to be discussed (condoms should be used, even in a committed relationship). Be up front now about ALL your concerns and expectations, before it’s too late. If he really cares about you, he won’t mind. You don’t want to get your heart broken, and you certainly don’t want an accidental pregnancy. It can happen, even if it’s just one time, and even if you’re careful. Sex might be fun, but raising a child on your own, or being tied FOREVER to the wrong guy, is probably not so fun.

Dating can be difficult. Even though your brain tells you to wait as long as you can with a guy, sometimes the heat of the moment takes over, and “as long as you can” becomes RIGHT NOW! If you decide a one-night stand is fine by you, be up front with the guy and make your intentions clear. You should treat him the same way you would want to be treated. Guys can get their hearts broken too, you know.

On the other hand, if you are looking for a committed relationship that will go the distance, make sure you have an emotional connection, not just a physical one, and it will be worth the wait. Making love is way better than just sex. And sex changes everything…. Hopefully in a good way!

My new eBook, Manimals: Understanding Different Types of Men and How To Date Them, is all about the different types of men, their traits, their likes and dislikes, the pros and cons of dating them, and whether or not they’re even datable at all (hint: some aren’t). And it isn’t your typical book. Manimals is interactive, including infographics and videos that help bring the information to life — plus you’ll have the chance to tell YOUR story! Women who purchase this book will have the option of sharing how they successfully, or not so successfully, dealt with a Manimal, and be part of the story! Each month, I will update the book with new submissions. There’s no telling how big this book could become! Instructions will be included in the book on how to update your purchase each month so you can see won’t miss a thing.

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Hi, it’s Gregg. In advance of Manimals being published soon, I wanted to share another of my readers’ stories about dating a man. With her permission, here is Ainsley’s story.

Funny how when you’re young you think you have it all worked out, right? You have this grand plan and nothing can derail it. You will graduate high school, go to college and have a great time, land your dream job, meet Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome, make some babies to fill your house on the corner lot (with the white picket fence and golden retriever, of course), and live happily ever after. What could possibly go wrong? But when there is a wrench thrown into your plans, you can come unglued. Here I was twenty years old, my whole life ahead of me, still time to live out my grand plan. But you know what they say about the best-laid plans.

It started when I went to the doctor for my annual checkup and the doctor says to me, “You know, with your family history, if you don’t have kids early, you may never get the chance.” Kids! I was twenty years old at the time. I hadn’t even thought about kids yet. All of a sudden my biological clock was in hyper drive. It didn’t occur to me to stop and ask, “What’s your definition of early?” Being the planner I am, I set out with one goal in mind: find a man who had the qualities I wanted to see in my children. It didn’t take long. It was a chance meeting, in fact. He was perfect. He was seven years older, established and ready to settle down, pretty good looking, and had a degree in engineering from a great school, with a job at a big time company. He was the definition of a “grown up.”

I asked him out. Yes, I’m a very headstrong, confident, independent woman, so that’s what I do, I ask guys out. Up until this point I hadn’t really dated anyone seriously. Like ever. I was too busy living life. I didn’t want to be tied to anyone in particular before then. He said yes to my date and we went out. After about six months, talk had turned to getting married. It was a whirlwind romance. We were together nonstop. My world was centered on him and our future. Finally the ring came, and wow, what a rock! I was so excited. I was yelling it from the rooftops, “I’m in love and getting married to this awesome man!” My mom and I started planning the wedding almost immediately.

I remember the day the invitations came in the mail. I was so busy with checklists and to-dos I hadn’t even really had time to process everything that was happening. I opened the box to make sure everything was in order and that’s when it hit me. I was about to get married! I started second guessing everything. Is he really the right guy for me? Am I too young? I sat cross-legged in the middle of the living room floor with a box of invitations in my lap bawling. I finally pulled myself together and gave myself a pep talk in the mirror. I chalked it up to cold feet and never gave it a second thought.

Fast-forward five years. I’m standing at the sink brushing my teeth. As I’m looking at myself in the mirror it hits me like a ton of bricks. I’m with this man FOREVER. Talk about a freak out moment! The little things in the beginning that seemed cute were now a real strain. At first it was, “You should wear your hair like this,” or “This outfit would look really great on you,” but somewhere along the line it grew into, “What did you spend $1.29 on at the gas station and do you REALLY need to go out with your friends tonight, where will you be going, who will you be with, and when will you be home?” I recognized myself less and less until I didn’t even know the person standing in front of the mirror brushing her teeth. My identity had become him. I hadn’t only made him my hobby; I’d made him my life! What happened to the confident girl?

I think I had always known that he wasn’t really the right guy for me, but I thought I could make it work. At this point we had one child and were working on a second. No one in my family had ever gotten divorced, so I didn’t know what else to do but to carry on. Smile and pretend everything is great and it will be, or so I had hoped. After a dozen long years of grinning and bearing it through a miserable marriage, I stopped kidding myself. I started to slowly rebuild me. I finally began to realize that confident girl was still there and I was quality. I could choose my men, and I did not settle to be chosen. No more would I make my life all about another man.

I got back on the horse and after nearly 15 years of being out of the dating scene, I went on my first date. Then another. And another. Just like Gregg teaches, men want a confident woman who has her own life, and he is right. I could have my pick of guys. They were crawling out of the woodwork to date me. ME! Could you believe it? A single mother of three in her 30’s who hadn’t dated in over a decade and a half had suitors knocking. I was Middle Aged and Kickin’ It!

Finally deciding to leave my unhappy marriage was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make, but finding myself again made it all worthwhile.

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Hello. Gregg here with another reader story about a guy- or in this case – 3 guys. This story comes from Amber, who agreed to let me share her story. She will tell you why you should be creating challenge in your relationships!

I had my first boyfriend in 8th grade. We held hands on the bus, and broke up right before the big Middle School Dance. I dated guys here and there throughout high school, but nothing serious. Football players, skateboarders, musicians — the usual stereotypical high school guys. Then, in my junior year, I met a guy through the drama club. He had the lead in the school play and all the girls were in love with him. He was a total Momma’s Boy. So much so that after we finally broke up, his mom called me and said (yelled) some pretty awful things — to me. This was despite the fact that I found out her son had cheated on me not once, but twice, and followed an incident where we had a big argument in his Trans Am – when I finally told him it was over, he left me on the side of the road and drove off! Talk about drama. The relationship lasted 6 months.

My next boyfriend was the Cool Guy. I had a crush on him since 9th grade and then, senior year of high school, we finally started dating. He played guitar in a grunge band and was the typical moody artist. Total narcissist. He always put himself first — and his friends. I came in third. But he was just so cool. I knew if I broke it off, some other girl would be waiting to pounce on him. We dated for a year and carried over into freshman year of college, until one time, I came home to visit him and he already had plans with his buddies. That was the end of that. I finally lifted that cloud from my eyes and dumped him, then spent the weekend venting to my girlfriends.

Fast forward to sophomore year in college. I went on some dates but never really found a guy that kept my interest. Until I met him – It was love at first sight — for real. After some chance meetings, small talk, and wistful glances across the room on both our parts, he asked me out. We went to the movies and then for coffee. We were so in love, we talked about getting married on our first date! It was a whirlwind after that. We were together 24-7 and life revolved around our relationship. You can guess what happened next. After about 6-months, he decided he needed a break — from me. His schoolwork was suffering and (since he got a great girl like me) he wanted to see what else was out there. Seriously. I gave him an ego boost. Just like Gregg warns us in To Date a Man, You Must Understand A Man, I wasn’t a challenge.

Now, here’s where it get’s good. Instead of crying and feeling sorry for myself, I hung up the phone with him, and invited some girlfriends over for a sleepover party. We drank wine and watched rom-coms, and I did not give him a second thought. I finally had the confidence to realize I was a quality girl who could have my pick of guys. I was the Chooser. I made it all about him, when it should have been me. The next weekend, I went out on a date with a super hot guy. The weekend after that, another date with another super hot guy. Of course, word got out to him that I had already moved on, and the little green monster did his thing. This man finally realized what he had and what he threw away. And after our two-week split, he actually came back and apologized.

Long story short, we did get back together. He had my heart but he had to earn back my trust. And he did – in time. Now he’s my husband.

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We all have relationship stories to share, some good, some bad. In my new book, Manimals, coming out soon, one of the things I talk about is why we choose the wrong mate. In the book, I will be asking you, my readers, to share your experiences, good or bad, with different types of men. This story comes today from one of my faithful readers, Susannah.

Susannah’s Story

My story begins longer ago than I would like to admit – 36 years ago, when I was a sophomore in high school. I had a small group of friends – 3 girls and 3 guys with a few on the periphery. The girl across the street, we’ll call her Amy, was dating one of the guys on the periphery, and one day, right before we went bowling, they broke up.

I was drawn to him like a fly to a pile of…well, you know what. I was severely lacking in confidence for reasons too numerous to go into here. Suffice it to say I had little confidence. Like most 16 year olds, I had little idea of what I believed in, what I wanted out of life, or anything else for that matter. He seemed to me to have it all together. He was good-looking, a bit of a goof-off, but not too bad, smart and he worked out. Hubba hubba.

I’ll sum up our high school dating years by saying that we dated from that day at the bowling alley through to graduation, with a short break in our senior year. BIG mistake, looking back, but I since I had no confidence, I felt that no other guy would ever want to date me, so I hung onto him and fought hard for him when he decided to date Karen, and then Diane. Ultimately, I “won”, or at least I thought so back then. My parents hated my dating him, their feelings were no great secret.

We went to different colleges, but they were only about 45 minutes away from each other, so we still saw one another quite a bit. On Christmas of our freshman year of college, we were engaged. By the following December, we were welcoming our first daughter into the world – married somewhere in between. Our son was born 2 years later, immediately before my husband graduated from college.

Our marriage survived for 12 years before the divorce that was inevitable came about. By then, we had three daughters and a son, ranging in age from 2 to 11. A wave of relief washed over me the day he said he was leaving. I knew I was miserable, but I had no idea just how miserable I had become.

What ultimately broke us up was that, throughout the prior 4 years or so, I had begun volunteering at the private school our children attended. I developed hobbies, friendships and a sense of self-worth. Since he still had none, and had survived on being the controlling force in our relationship, me gaining confidence just didn’t make things work anymore.

Looking back on it, it is easy to dissect why we failed. I didn’t know myself – at all, and neither did he. We both lacked confidence in a big way, and had many issues to deal with – things we should have dealt with before jumping into a relationship.

Gregg’s Notes

Ken really doesn’t fall into one of the ten categories of men I included in Manimals. If I had to label him, I’d say he fits into a category called The Control Freak. The Control Freak can be described as someone who feels only he can do something the right way. He issues constructive criticism, thinking he’s helping, when of course, he’s not. The truth behind a control freak is that he is suffering from a case of anxiety. Inside the head of a control freak are what I call ultimate doom thoughts:

If this job doesn’t get done in exactly 15 minutes, I’ll get fired.
If I am not home to play with my kids by 6, they will hate me.
If I don’t get a raise, we won’t be able to afford to live.

Here are a few signs that someone is a control freak:

He believes that if you could just change one or two things about yourself, he would be happier; the control freak therefore takes it upon himself to help you make those changes;

He does not believe in imperfection, so he micromanages you to make sure you are perfectly executing every aspect of your life;

He punishes you with silence – using this as a tool to modify your behavior when he feels that you are behaving in a wrong way; this is called passive aggressive behavior;

He offers constructive criticism as a means of trying to modify your behavior, when really, his agenda is foremost in his mind;

He attempts to manage your impression of him by changing what he believes in or who he is to fit what they think you want:

Do I like horror movies? Sure I do – oh, you don’t – yeah, I think they’re lame too;

He uses something called fear mongering to dissuade you from doing things you want to do – he presents a worst-case scenario and hopes it influences your decision:

You know, if you take this job, you won’t be home for the kids and they will start hating you;

He needs to know everything, ambiguity is the worst nightmare of a control freak – if you are going to the grocery store, he wants to see your list, estimate how long you will be gone and your travel time, and will expect you to be back at exactly the moment he has calculated; anything else will cause him to pop a cork – by the way, he can come and go as he pleases;

He helps you by intervening in situations, trying to explain behaviors of yours that he perceives to be unacceptable.

The control freak is sort of an odd name for this type of person who, in reality, feels he has very little control over his life. He lives in fear of someone discovering that he is somewhat less than perfect, and uses the above tactics to ensure this doesn’t happen.

The Rest of Susannah’s Story

When you are in the somewhat less-than-capable hands of a control freak, you probably don’t realize it, but others around you do. My ex-husband had trouble controlling anger. He never hit one of our children, or me, but he used emotional abuse as a weapon – and it is every bit as bad as physical abuse. My parents saw it – everybody around us saw it, everyone except me, that is.

I have been divorced from him now for 20 years. It took me many years to truly gain the confidence I needed to move ahead in life. Meanwhile, I continued to choose the wrong men to be around, but I have never remarried. I will, some day. I finally feel that I am prepared to make a good choice!

Now it’s Your Turn!

Now it’s your turn to share your stories of men you have dated in the comments below. Feel free to change names if you feel it’s necessary. Use your own discretion. We would love to hear your tales of woe – or success!

All Aboard the Train to Relationship Failure

We all have relationship stories to share, some good, some bad. In my new book, Manimals, coming out soon, one of the things I talk about is why we choose the wrong mate. In the book, I will be asking you, my readers, to share your experiences, good or bad, with different types of men. This story comes today from one of my faithful readers, Susannah.

Susannah’s Story

My story begins longer ago than I would like to admit – 36 years ago, when I was a sophomore in high school. I had a small group of friends – 3 girls and 3 guys with a few on the periphery. The girl across the street, we’ll call her Amy, was dating one of the guys on the periphery, and one day, right before we went bowling, they broke up.

I was drawn to him like a fly to a pile of…well, you know what. I was severely lacking in confidence for reasons too numerous to go into here. Suffice it to say I had little confidence. Like most 16 year olds, I had little idea of what I believed in, what I wanted out of life, or anything else for that matter. He seemed to me to have it all together. He was good-looking, a bit of a goof-off, but not too bad, smart and he worked out. Hubba hubba.

I’ll sum up our high school dating years by saying that we dated from that day at the bowling alley through to graduation, with a short break in our senior year. BIG mistake, looking back, but I since I had no confidence, I felt that no other guy would ever want to date me, so I hung onto him and fought hard for him when he decided to date Karen, and then Diane. Ultimately, I “won”, or at least I thought so back then. My parents hated my dating him, their feelings were no great secret.

We went to different colleges, but they were only about 45 minutes away from each other, so we still saw one another quite a bit. On Christmas of our freshman year of college, we were engaged. By the following December, we were welcoming our first daughter into the world – married somewhere in between. Our son was born 2 years later, immediately before my husband graduated from college.

Our marriage survived for 12 years before the divorce that was inevitable came about. By then, we had three daughters and a son, ranging in age from 2 to 11. A wave of relief washed over me the day he said he was leaving. I knew I was miserable, but I had no idea just how miserable I had become.

What ultimately broke us up was that, throughout the prior 4 years or so, I had begun volunteering at the private school our children attended. I developed hobbies, friendships and a sense of self-worth. Since he still had none, and had survived on being the controlling force in our relationship, me gaining confidence just didn’t make things work anymore.

Looking back on it, it is easy to dissect why we failed. I didn’t know myself – at all, and neither did he. We both lacked confidence in a big way, and had many issues to deal with – things we should have dealt with before jumping into a relationship.

Gregg’s Notes

Ken really doesn’t fall into one of the ten categories of men I included in Manimals. If I had to label him, I’d say he fits into a category called The Control Freak. The Control Freak can be described as someone who feels only he can do something the right way. He issues constructive criticism, thinking he’s helping, when of course, he’s not. The truth behind a control freak is that he is suffering from a case of anxiety. Inside the head of a control freak are what I call ultimate doom thoughts:

If this job doesn’t get done in exactly 15 minutes, I’ll get fired
If I am not home to play with my kids by 6, they will hate me
If I don’t get a raise, we won’t be able to afford to live

Here are a few signs that someone is a control freak:

He believes that if you could just change one or two things about yourself, he would be happier; the control freak therefore takes it upon himself to help you make those changes;
He does not believe in imperfection, so he micromanages you to make sure you are perfectly executing every aspect of your life;
He punishes you with silence – using this as a tool to modify your behavior when he feels that you are behaving in a wrong way; this is called passive aggressive behavior;
He offers constructive criticism as a means of trying to modify your behavior, when really, his agenda is foremost in his mind;
He attempts to manage your impression of him by changing what he believes in or who he is to fit what they think you want:

Do I like horror movies? Sure I do – oh, you don’t – yeah, I think they’re lame too;
He uses something called fear mongering to dissuade you from doing things you want to do – he presents a worst-case scenario and hopes it influences your decision:

You know, if you take this job, you won’t be home for the kids and they will start hating you;
He needs to know everything, ambiguity is the worst nightmare of a control freak – if you are going to the grocery store, he wants to see your list, estimate how long you will be gone and your travel time, and will expect you to be back at exactly the moment he has calculated; anything else will cause him to pop a cork – by the way, he can come and go as he pleases;
He helps you by intervening in situations, trying to explain behaviors of yours that he perceives to be unacceptable.

The control freak is sort of an odd name for this type of person who, in reality, feels he has very little control over his life. He lives in fear of someone discovering that he is somewhat less than perfect, and uses the above tactics to ensure this doesn’t happen.

The Rest of Susannah’s Story

When you are in the somewhat less-than-capable hands of a control freak, you probably don’t realize it, but others around you do. My ex-husband had trouble controlling anger. He never hit one of our children, or me, but he used emotional abuse as a weapon – and it is every bit as bad as physical abuse. My parents saw it – everybody around us saw it, everyone except me, that is.

I have been divorced from him now for 20 years. It took me many years to truly gain the confidence I needed to move ahead in life. Meanwhile, I continued to choose the wrong men to be around, but I have never remarried. I will, some day. I finally feel that I am prepared to make a good choice!

Now it’s Your Turn!

Now it’s your turn to share your stories of men you have dated in the comments below. Feel free to change names if you feel it’s necessary. Use your own discretion. We would love to hear your tales of woe – or success!

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Mentoring – It’s Time!

I was taking a shower this morning and I had a great idea, somewhere between scrubbing my toes and rinsing the shampoo from my eyes.

My idea was this: somewhere around the 7th grade we should all be assigned a mentor for the school year! This should be mandatory. He or she, with the help from their parents, and maybe the school counselors, would pick someone from the community whom they would like to connect with for a mentor.

It would really be cool if mentoring became our civic duty, like voting, so every child could get a leg-up. The benefits would be twofold: the mentor would get recognized for what he or she does in life, boosting his or her confidence and making them better people with better confidence; and the children would get a new friend, cheerleaders and motivator to help them learn to make better life decisions. The children would get new ideas, and they can see how these people have made a difference and really helped others.

Mentors can come in the form of all the wonderful people who make any community vibrant – firemen, barbers, construction workers and volunteers can all come together to mentor one child for a school year. I know that we have seen this before but it usually happens one day out of the school year where people just come in and speak to a class for day. I advocate a mentoring program much more comprehensive.

In addition, l advocate a course one day a week, taught to every 7th grader by life coaches who can teach children about having a life vision, the importance of goals and goal setting techniques. These were the things that I was exposed to as a kid, because my dad was a life coach. It changed my life for the better.

This would be especially helpful for the children who don’t have proper role models in their lives. The children who do have role models will get an outside, unbiased understanding of what their life options could be.

In either case, whether they live in the inner city or the suburbs, children would be less likely to choose gangs, drugs or other detrimental life choices. This would lead to a better society, and yes, better relationships that will lead to better family units when they decide to settle down.

I can’t see any downside to this mentoring program, can you?

Absolutely no cost to the community
No endless, useless, political fighting
Mentors who benefit from volunteering and in turn build their confidence
The children get to see the positive choices available to them

OK, back to my shower, I am not done scrubbing.

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5 Moves to Keep Your Relationship Thriving!

Who Holds the Cards Now?: 5 Lethal Steps to Win His Heart and Get Him to Commit

You think everything is going great in your relationship? That’s terrific, but sustaining that should not be taken for granted! There are some things you should do to keep the passion pumping. Try starting with these five ideas.

Book a stay at a B&B
B&B’s scream romance! Think about it, chocolates placed on your pillows, your own Jacuzzi, a toasty fireplace and lounging in your very own fluffy, white robe! The two of you will come home refreshed, recharged and excited about being together. But Gregg, B&B’s don’t have these amenities, they have shared bathrooms, no Jacuzzis and few have fireplaces. Wrong! I know of one and I even made a deal for you!

My sister, Cheryl, owns an unbelievable (rated in the top 25 in the country) B & B called The Berry Manor Inn in Rockland, Maine. I asked her to give us a coupon for 10% off – albeit, I will pay dearly for this request, but this is my problem.

Here’s the deal:
Berry Manor Inn has been named one of the top B & B’s in the U.S. by TripAdvisor and one of Maine’s most romantic inns. Book a king in the carriage house and enjoy an oversized whirlpool tub for two and a custom 2 person walk-in body jet shower. Book a two night stay before 6/30/2015 at the Berry Manor Inn in Rockland, Maine. Use code “Couples10” for a 10% discount.
And you thought I was kidding!

Seek counseling
Yes, sit down with a pro before things start to get ugly! I never understand why people wait until it’s too late! Go while things are great! That’s like weighing 400 lbs. and deciding to go on a diet. No! Tackle the problem when you are 5-10 lbs. overweight. Nip things in the bud, long before any issues arise. This doesn’t need to be torture, and it doesn’t need to be with a marriage counselor. Your pastor or a dating/relationship pro are excellent alternatives. The latter can make things fun and give you some great exercises.

Play a sex game
This is fun! Stay in on a Saturday night and play a sex game. Have a few cocktails, make a nice dinner together and go to it. The game will direct you to do things that you have secretly wanted to do but were to “embarrassed” to admit – it’s exciting and it could make things steamier in the bedroom. Naked Twister anyone?

Have sex in an elevator
Ok, these days they have cameras mounted in the corners (I learned that one the hard way) so maybe that’s not too smart but you get the idea. Mix it up and move it outside of the bedroom. Maybe in your car or at cheap motel or even on top of the washer during the spin cycle. I got away with it on Jet Blue!

Couples date with a catch
I like this one. Think of that time when you went out and some couple was all over each other. It was annoying and yet, deep down, you wished it was you. This time, make it you! Go out with another couple (or couples). Go for dinner, dancing or comedy, but here’s the catch - agree beforehand to be the most lovey dovey couple of the group! Not only that, but agree that you must be the most lovey dovey couple at the venue. It’s fun and silly and your friends will laugh and wish that they were as much in love as you are.

Try these 5 things to keep your relationship thriving and you guys will be good to go for another 3 years!