Gregg Michaelsen's Blog, page 13

Stages of a Relationship by the Numbers

The 5 Relationship Stages

Whether you recognize it or not, a man and a woman go through stages of a relationship as it progresses. At some point, during each of these stages, there is a decision to ditch the relationship or move on.

Undoubtedly, you’ve experienced both.

The problem many couples face is trying to make the go or no-go decision too soon or without enough information to properly make that choice.

Today, let’s examine together these stages and how you know when it’s time to dump him or keep moving forward.

Stages of a Relationship 1: You Meet & You’re Attracted to One Another

Of course, before you can have a relationship, you need to meet each other. This first stage is tricky because some attraction can build before you actually see one another, giving you a false sense of security in the relationship.

Then, what sometimes happens is you meet and the whole thing falls flat. There are a couple of reasons for this. First, you shared too much about one another before you met. You now have nothing to talk about.

The second reason is that there isn’t any attraction for one or both of you. Don’t let this kill the relationship.

Think back to how nervous you were before you arrived. You were probably experiencing sweaty palms, racing heart – the whole bit.

He is just as nervous as you!

So was he. I’m not sure why women sometimes believe men aren’t as nervous as they are approaching a first date. My point is that neither of you is truly yourself right now.

He is a nervous, scared and apprehensive version of himself, wondering, like you, if you’ll like him. It’s worth giving him another chance or two, if he asks.

For the sake of moving forward, let’s say you are attracted to one another. GREAT! There may even be some immediate sexual chemistry between you. While this is good, don’t act on it, if you want to reach Stage 2.

Attraction at this point is mostly outward – you’re attracted to his looks, his body type, his interests and his personality.

Stage 2 of a Relationship: Infatuation

Things clicked. You’re attracted to one another and chemistry is building. It’s such a great feeling but what’s happening behind the scenes during this stage?

First off, your brain begins releasing some pretty powerful chemicals. You’ve probably heard of them: dopamine, norepinephrine, Phenylethylamine and oxytocin. Not only does your brain release these chemicals, but it also builds an addiction to them.

These chemicals are responsible for the feeling you have of wanting to be together all of the time, the desire to have sex and a need to stay together to mate. Okay, so that’s primal but it’s still part of what’s happening.

Again, I caution you not to have sex too soon.

You’re both trying to get the other to like you. You want to impress him with your cooking or maybe you want to impress him with your skiing skills or your ability to sweet talk the meanest cat out of a tree. Whatever you feel your strengths are, you want him to see them too.

Something else that occurs during this stage is called suspension of negative judgement. Brain studies have shown that when we’re in love, a part of our brain responsible for negative judgment of people shows slowed activity. In other words, it backs off.

The suspension of negative judgment helps us see the faults of partners, and significantly reduces our ability to get angry about them.

There is enough good in the relationship, through shared positive experiences and laughter to outweigh the negative feelings.

For you, this is where you begin wondering, “Is he right for me?” and “Where is this headed?” Be careful asking these questions here. When this stage ends, it doesn’t mean the relationship is over. It means you’re moving on to the next stage. That’s a good thing!

While there are some couples (15-30%) who experience this same level of infatuation decades into their relationship, for most couples this stage lasts anywhere from six months to two years.

Stages of a Relationship 3: Bonding as a Couple

You might be wondering why you weren’t already a couple. This is where men and women differ. All this time, you’ve been thinking you two were a couple.

You’re probably having sex, he says and does all the right things. You’ve met important people in his life and him in yours. In your mind, you’re a couple. In his mind, he’s having fun getting to know you but you’re not a couple yet.

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You know you’re ready for this stage when you’ve talked, at least a little, about your future together (how many kids, etc.), even if it wasn’t a totally serious conversation. You’ve talked about values and you know you align on important things like religion, interests and hobbies.

This is the stage where you love begins to grow deeper. It feels different from the infatuation stage but you’re still totally into each other and talk all the time, even if it’s via text.

You feel safe in your relationship during this bonding phase. You’re past the wild and crazy sex but that doesn’t mean sex stinks – it’s more satisfying.

During this stage, you feel safe enough to slowly remove your early dating face and put on your real face. He may have never put his feet up on the coffee table before but now, he’s doing it. You might not have ever shown him how cranky you can get when you find crumbs in the sofa cushions but now you’re letting him know it’s annoying the crap out of you.

These behaviors aren’t meant to irritate one another, they’re signals that you feel safe enough with one another to let your hair down a bit. You’re becoming the true versions of yourselves.

It is important not to rush this stage of your relationship. Women especially want to have the “where are we headed” talk but if you push it, you’ll lose.

While I do encourage you to share your thoughts and feelings with your guy, it’s important that you don’t push him into that conversation.

Stage three can easily become the beginning of the end as it leads to stage 4.

Stages of a Relationship 4: Eyes Wide Open

Now that you’ve started to see the real man you’ve been with, and he sees you, you can become disillusioned with the relationship.

You might feel like he lied to you – he didn’t show you his true self. Well, he didn’t, but you didn’t show your true self either and don’t try to tell me you did. We just don’t.

You’ve begun to wonder where the man you fell in love with has gone. He hasn’t gone anywhere and he wasn’t being fake. He’s just become his natural self.

Your normal reaction, during this stage, might be to withdraw or you might feel him withdrawing.

Allow me to remind you that you’ve always seen his flaws, it’s just that your brain didn’t allow you to care. Now, you care. So you have to ask yourself whether you fell in love with the man or the expectation of who you wanted him to be.

Certainly, it’s possible that you did get a dud. Losers and users can play along for quite some time if they really want to, but eventually, their true colors begin to shine. If that’s the case, rather than stay for the sake of not losing another guy, cut your losses and regroup.

If, on the other hand, your guy isn’t a dud, he’s just being his true self, you can try to power through. If the relationship truly means something to both of you, you should work on accepting one another, in spite of those flaws.

This stage can feel like you’re going through hell, but as the song says, if you’re going through hell, keep on going, don’t slow down…

You could be married at this stage. Do you really want to give up so easily? Is this relationship worth saving?

If your thought is that it’s too hard to save it, I still say try to. Powering through can be very rewarding.

Most of your friends’ relationships have ended in this stage but you’ve got the strength and confidence to see the good in this man and work through it.

When your relationship survives this crisis, or another, you will come out on the other side, much stronger together.

In order to do so, recall his good traits. What can you appreciate about him? What does he do for or with you that is just amazing?

It can’t be all bad, even though that seems to be the focus right now. Re-center yourselves on the good qualities about one another which drew you together.

This can be a time where the wounds of your past flare up. Instead of hiding them, share them with your partner. If he has wounds to share (and who doesn’t!?!), patiently listen, without judgment.

We all come into relationships with baggage. Your larger bags might be getting unpacked now. Just unpack them slowly and allow him to do the same. Provide a safe, loving space for one another.

Getting through this stage gets you to the next!

Stages of a Relationship 5: Real, Lasting Love

Think of this as the calm following the storm. You’ve made it through some challenging times but, unlike many couples, you powered through. Now, you see each other for who you really are and you can truly love the person you’re with.

If you haven’t done so already, this is a great time to talk about how you’ll handle difficulties in the future. Chances are, during the previous stage, you created some steps to take when there is conflict.

This stage of a relationship can take years to evolve. You can spend a long time in the prior two stages, depending on how much baggage you’re toting and how long it takes to unpack it.

You might even survive a couple of temporary breakups or crises where you’re not sure if the relationship will make it, but in the end, you did the hard work and this is the reward. It’s worth fighting for!

As you each unpack your past, you learn to become partners in battling the demons, instead of judge and jury. Your love enables you to see the hurt and pain in your partner and gives you the patience to be just what he needs, when he needs it and no more.

You love him for who he is, warts and all and he loves you, warts and all as well.

By this time in your relationship, you’ve built a lot of intimacy through the battle scars you’ve reopened and the experiences you’ve shared. You have built a list of places that mean something to the two of you, movies, songs and maybe even books that hold a special place in your relationship.

You have a history together, full of ups and downs for sure, but mostly full of patience, tolerance and love.

So Now What?

So you’re in the lasting love phase of your relationship. How do you stay here? That’s easy! Keep exploring life and trying new things, both separately and together.

You share experiences together, challenge one another and support each other’s goals and dreams. You keep things fresh, keep to a weekly date night calendar, no matter how many years you’ve been together, and you continue to both hold one another close and give the required space when needed.

You’ve learned what makes him tick. You know, by his body language, when he’s upset and when he’s excited to share something with you. Read the cues, keep challenging him, and yourself, and watch love continue to blossom!

Is it really that easy?

Yes, it is.

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100 Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend

In the beginning of a relationship, you’re not usually lacking for things to talk about. You don’t need a list of things to talk about with your boyfriend, but as time passes, it seems like you’ve learned all there is to know about one another. Periods of silence can be difficult.

Learning about one another builds intimacy between you. Especially early on, it makes you feel like you’re clicking – you feel chemistry – when you ask questions and find common ground.

You’re a Patriots fan too? I love that you’re into pro football!

Of course, as time goes by and you and your guy get to know each other, you might feel like you’ve run out of things to learn. You might even feel as if your relationship is losing momentum because you can’t have those great “Oh my gosh ME TOO” kinds of conversations any more.

Guess what? You can still have those conversations! I’m here today to bring you a list of things you can talk about with your boyfriend. Some things on this list are for a couple who just met – others are for couples who have known each other for a longtime.

Have fun with these suggestions!

I’ve organized them for you into categories.

Before we get to the list, I want to provide you with a few of cautions. First of all, this isn’t a list you print and run through over dinner. This is a list of suggestions for when you’re together and it seems like a good time to dig a little deeper.

Secondly, some of these questions will bring up areas of his past that can make you jealous. DON’T DO THIS! He did indeed have a life before you met, he had other girlfriends and maybe he was even married. That is his past. You also have a past but now, you’re together. If you ask a question about his past, accept his response without jealousy, envy or anger, please!

Lastly, if you ask him these questions, be prepared to answer them yourself!

Fun Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend

What names have been ruined for you because you knew someone you didn’t like who had that name?
What boggles your mind whenever you think about it?
What’s the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten and regretted?
Toilet paper – over or under?
If someone challenged you to a dance competition, what song would guarantee your victory?
What’s your favorite lame joke?
If you had no financial restrictions, what would be one thing you would want to try?
What’s the chore you put off the longest?
If I waved a magic wand and gave you the ability to fly, where would you go first?
If you were an action figure, what would your superpower be and what special tools would be on your belt?
Where do you wish you could create a shortcut?
If someone offered you whatever car you wanted, what car would you get?
Of all the products out there, which one do you think needs to be made better?
What event from your past do you wish you could see in video?
If you were crazy rich, what types of crazy or obnoxious things would you do?
If you won the lottery, what’s the first thing you would buy?
If your diet could only contain five things, what would yours be?
Where is the number one place you want to visit?
If you found a genie and a lamp, what three wishes would you make?
Cats or dogs or both?

Personal Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend

What’s it like to be you?
Tell me one brutally honest truth about yourself.
When do you feel the most like your true self?
If you wrote your story, what would this chapter be called?
What makes you more emotional than you’re comfortable with?
If I wanted the fast-track to making you angry, what would it be?
Tell me what’s on your bucket list.
What do you do that makes you the happiest?
What do you want people to remember you for when you’re gone?
What would your life be like if you lived up to your full potential?
What is the one thing in life that just fascinates the heck out of you?
Who makes you the most uncomfortable when they’re around?
Give me one word that describes you the best.
What do you want to get out of life?
When you catch yourself procrastinating, what do you do to get past it?
Share with me one secret from your past that most people don’t know.
If you had one week to live, what would you do with that time?
If you could spend one day with someone, living or dead, who would you choose?
Do you love or hate animals? Which animal would you want as a pet?
How do you react when you don’t get what you want?

Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend From His Past

What is the most difficult or painful text you’ve ever sent someone?
What’s the worst thing you’ve done and hidden from your parents?
Tell me about a really awkward moment you had in high school.
If you could have a re-do on one decision from your life, what decision would that be and how would you change?
Tell me about a time when you just threw caution to the wind and went for it, regardless of the consequences.
If you had a recording about your whole life, which hour would you want to go back and watch?
What is the most memorable phone call of your life?
Tell me about something in your life that changed you for the better.
Tell me about something in your life that changed you for the worse.
Have you ever purposefully cut someone out of your life? Why?
What is your most beautiful memory so far?
How different are you from five years ago?
Tell me about the riskiest thing you’ve ever done.
What is the most memorable vacation you’ve ever taken?
What is the story about you that people just love to share?
What was your favorite TV show when you were a kid?
Who did you idolize when you were a kid?
What is the most humiliating moment from your life?
When have you felt the most proud of yourself?
Who was your favorite band growing up?

Relationship Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend

What is the best way you can think of to spend a day with a loved one?
What would you say is the best and worst thing about having you as a boyfriend?
How do you view the role of a wife?
Tell me one thing a woman can do to become more attractive (excluding change her appearance).
What did you learn about relationships from your parents?
Tell me about the couple you know who has the healthiest relationship.
Are you willing to go to couples therapy if things derail in a serious relationship?
What do you like and dislike most about being in a long-term relationship?
Excluding cheating, what is an absolute relationship-ending incident for you?
Where have your ideas of the ideal relationship come from?
What have you learned from past relationships?
How do you think couples should manage sharing the household chores?
What things do you think cause most couples to grow apart and split up?
How would your exes describe you today if asked?
How would you react if you found out I accidentally got pregnant?
Are you willing to change diapers? Allllll diapers?
City or country boy?
What’s your favorite female body part?
What is the craziest thing you’ve done during sex?
If we argue and you’re truly in the wrong, will you be able to admit it?

Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend About YOUR Relationship

At what point did you realize you were in love with me?
What was it about me that first attracted you to me?
The first time you saw me, what did you think?
Of all of our dates so far, what’s your favorite?
How can I make you feel loved in our relationship?
What do I do that drives you crazy, but still makes you smile inside?
What is one sexual fantasy you would like to live out?
What three things do you see between us that make us such a great couple?
Is there something in our sex life that I don’t do but you wish I would?
Is there anything I can change to make me a more perfect partner for you?

Things to Ask Your Boyfriend About His Worldview

Who in your life holds onto a belief or theory that has been proven to be wrong? What is that belief and how do they rationalize holding on to it?
How do you view money?
Is there ever a time to act first and ask for forgiveness later?
Who do you find impossible to take seriously?
What do you wish someone had taught you so you didn’t have to learn it the hard way?
If you could dictate one mandatory class for all school-age kids, what would it be?
What do you think has been considered normal by society, but it shouldn’t be?
Who do you wish you could be more like?
What is your favorite period of history?
What do you wish you could stop doing?

Beware of The Answers

Some of these questions will be very revealing and might contain answers that are red flags. For example, if everything bad that has happened in his life is someone else’s fault, he has a problem accepting responsibility.

If he thinks treating people disrespectfully is funny, he’s probably pretty childish and lacks confidence.

If your guy reveals something particularly disturbing about his past, you might want to consider your next move. Your values should be in alignment.

In summary, these 100 suggestions are meant to get you thinking about some more topics to explore with your significant other – have fun with them!

To Date a Man, You MUST Understand a Man. It just makes sense, right? I’ve made it easy for you to buy – all you need to do is click here or click the cover to the right. In just a couple of hours, you can begin to change your relationships with men! Now THAT’s exciting!

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Why Men Pull Away After Getting Close

Guys pull away for a whole bunch of reasons but if you can understand the main reasons you can alleviate many of them. I work with men so I see the reasons why they pull away on a daily basis. I am a guy and I have done them myself!

Now, in full disclosure, I am not always proud of my gender but, regardless, it helps to know how we think.

Why Men Pull Away after Getting Close – Our Mouths get Ahead of Our True Feelings

You’ve heard it before I’m sure – he tells you how he has never met a woman like you and that he wants to take you away with him to Italy. Then, he says he can’t wait for you to meet his family and friends – that his Mom is going to love you! Blah, blah, blah.

Men’s mouth’s get ahead of their feelings

You believe him and you expect him to follow through as you should.

I have been guilty of this a few times. I was excited – I really was, but my mouth was saying crap that I didn’t mean at least not yet. Then, I had to back track which meant running for the hills and never returning in one situation.

The reality sets in and the guy realizes that he shouldn’t have mentioned the Italy trip so soon. The process of following through (booking the flights in my example) creates anxiety inside him. He thinks, “what if we hate each other after nine days?”

Then, he goes down the check list of what ifs:

Will She Take Away All My Friends and Fun?

Our friends are our current means of fun and to spend more and more time with you means less and less time with them. This could be a good thing but we don’t know the answer yet so we pull back. We tend to cling to what is normal and safe.

Will She Take My Money?

Women who don’t understand men do not understand just how important money is to us. We are providers and to provide we need to be successful and we measure that through our work, status and how much money we earn.

This keeps our guard up for gold – diggers. Yes, they are out there.

Am I OK with Never Being Able to Sleep with Another Woman?

I know, sad. But many single men weigh this in their decision and pull back. Being single represents freedom to unattached men – they can date who they want to and live a fun, albeit shallow, life style.

Falling in Love Means he will be Vulnerable

Oh the fear of rejection!

Vulnerable means he could get rejected. Rejection is one of our greatest fears especially when it comes to women. This is one of the major reasons why men pull away after getting close.

Why Men Pull Away after Getting Close – What to Do

The funny thing? He wants you to take him away from his friends – at least some of them. He wants to spend money on you and he wants to just sleep with one woman.

Slow us down. Don’t push for that Italy trip. Make your social life your main priority and not him. Later, after he has proven himself, you can change your habits but now is too early in the relationship.

Encourage him to be with his friends. Offer to pay for things so he quickly realizes that you are not interested in his money. Do this and when the love making starts he will only want to be with you and no one else. He will fall for you!

Then, fulfill all your (and his) fantasies during sex and all will be good!

Watch as I hammer this point home with Helen Fisher

To Date a Man, You MUST Understand a Man. It just makes sense, right? I’ve made it easy for you to buy – all you need to do is click here or click the cover to the right. In just a couple of hours, you can begin to change your relationships with men! Now THAT’s exciting!

Do you have a question for Gregg? Visit top dating coach, Gregg Michaelsen,  and ask one question for just $25! That’s right, you can get an answer to the pesky situation you are in without full-price coaching! It’s quick, it’s private, and can help get your relationship back on its feet in no time. Gregg will personally answer your questions within 24 hours (sometimes sooner) and will provide one follow up question for clarification.

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A Million People Never Met Last Night

Will I ever find love? When will I meet my soulmate? And why haven’t I yet?

I get asked these questions often and it made me start to wonder why people are still single when they shouldn’t be.

On Saturday nights, I enjoy going out to watch the dating world unfold. On Sunday mornings, I often wonder, how many people didn’t meet last night?

Sometimes, my watching is at a bar while other times it’s at a wine-tasting, a fair or a charity event. I engage women and act as if I know nothing. I observe their behavior to uncover friction points and help them. After I get to know them, I share that I’m a dating and life coach.

It’s amazing and at the same time, sad. I see men and women lacking the skills to approach one another with any success.

Will I ever find love?

This excludes the player, who is working the room, succeeding with women who are clueless to his true intentions.

Will I ever find love?

The good guy is too shy to approach the woman he’s interested in and when he finally does drink enough courage to approach, she shoots him down because he fumbles his words. Little does she know she should be rooting for him, not sending him away.

I watch men stand in line for ice cream, ogling the attractive woman ahead of him but too shy or afraid to say anything to her. I see him wanting to say something but instead, his fear paralyzes him and he says nothing. She retreats, licking her ice cream. He’s left licking his wounds.

Why!? I believe there are several reasons for these potential relationships to never materialize.

Technology

Technology removed your ability to approach and engage a man in conversation. Why approach a stranger when you can sit online and look at profiles all night?

It’s sad to see people on a date, both texting away on their phones at something seemingly more entertaining or interesting than the person across from them.

I came from a different generation. I don’t want to sound old but, in my day, I had to pick up the phone and call a girl if I was interested in her. There was a fear of being shot down but if I wanted to date her, I had to ask.

Technology depersonalizes dating. You scroll through dozens of profiles, find a few you’re interested in and send smiles, winks or messages. There is very little risk and no human contact.

Confidence

The issue in dating and meeting new people is low self-esteem and confidence. Even the pickup artist doesn’t have a lot of confidence in himself or he would seek meaningful, long-term relationships.

Childhood delivers brutal blows. Acne, not making the varsity team and the awkwardness of puberty beat you up, as does peer pressure. Add to that the desire to date a guy who’s out of your league and you’re sitting in class, fanning a cold sweat.

Now, you begin dating and experience the inevitable breakups. If the relationship ending is brutal, you walk away with your confidence needing resuscitation.

Since most people lack the skills to rebuild their confidence themselves, they traipse through life, relationship after relationship, dinging their confidence a little more each time.

It’s no wonder nobody was brave enough to at least say “Hi” last night!

Body Language

When you’re out with friends, use body language to your advantage.  Avoid standing huddled with friends. This doesn’t say “Welcome” to a guy who’s nervous to begin with. Walking with your head down, shoulders shrugged and eyes focused on your phone isn’t inviting to an interested man either.

Your body language should be inviting. Stand facing the room with your shoulders square and head up. Make eye contact with others in the room and let them know you’re approachable. If you’re sitting at a table, save a seat next to you, leaving an unspoken invitation for someone to approach.

An innocent, accidental brush up against a man’s arm or a quick comment like “Don’t you love that new chardonnay?” can give him the courage he needs to respond or approach at a later time.

Compartmentalized Social Lives

It’s time to develop some new meeting skills!

How long you spend trying to meet someone new each week? One or two hours, right? This is compartmentalizing your social life. Weekends are for looking for a mate. Week days are for working and maybe a girls night.

You miss opportunities at the grocery store, gas station, gym or church to meet special someone. Sure, you might see someone you’re interested in, but you tell yourself that’s not the place to meet someone.

The same tactics that work across a bar work over bins of tomatoes and cucumbers. Pass by or barely touch his arm, making an off-hand comment like “I can just see these strawberries topping off my margarita later”. This opens the door to further communication and helps a shy guy who is afraid to make the first move.

How Can You Make A Course Correction?
Check Your Inhibitions At The Door

Check Your Inhibitions At The Door

My friend, Mike was 100% uninhibited. He’d walk up to a girl, or group of girls and say the craziest things. Those watching would sometimes feel embarrassed for him but the girls loved him! He was the one we all secretly wanted to be – uninhibited and living life without worrying about what others think.

I learned something from Mike because I’m like that today. I’m the guy who’ll fearlessly approach a group of women. I enjoy observing their response and getting to know them.

When you’re confident, you’re able to realize your own value. You can approach one guy or a group of guys and not be worried about what they’ll think or whether or not you’ll crash and burn.

You recognize that you’re worthy and have something to contribute and share with another.

How Do You Reduce Your Inhibitions?

Take small steps toward an ultimate goal. Don’t expect to jump into the deep end. Make a goal of simply saying hello to one stranger tomorrow.

Just say “Hello” with a smile. One of two things will happen – they’ll reply or ignore you. Tell yourself it doesn’t matter. You won that round. You broke out of your shell.

After a day or two, ramp things up. String together something like, “That shirt is really great!” That’s it. Don’t go into it with the expectation of a love affair. Just make a kind comment to a stranger.

This is desensitization. You slowly face your fear and reduce the associated anxiety by creeping up on absolving it. You’re not trying to conquer the world, just your little corner. Face your fear and get rid of it!

But What If They Don’t Respond?

People will respond, but if they don’t, who cares! This is where you have to check your negative self-talk at the door. Rather than internalize a lack of response, tell yourself either they’re too busy, too engrossed, too shy or unfriendly. None of those have anything to do with you.

Here’s the cool part. Most will respond. People want to talk. Many times, they’re too shy to initiate the conversation or engrossed in what they’re doing and just don’t notice you.

Now, approaching that hot guy at the wine tasting doesn’t make you sweat through your dress shields. You can confidently walk up to him, sniff your glass of wine and say “Hmm, fruity with a hint of arrogance!” Laugh at your own joke while he laughs along with you.

Learn To Understand Men

Learn to Understand Men!

Understanding men is paramount to confidently approaching the right man and getting his attention. The male mind is different than the female mind and yet few women take the time to understand the difference.

You able to communicate better with a man when you understand how his mind works. You’re more confident because of your deeper knowledge of what’s gone wrong in past relationships.

Women think men are confident and strong. It’s his job to approach and initiate a conversation. Yet, the good guys are often fearful. Men are strong but we still fear being shot down, especially in front of friends.

If a man sees opportunity for failure, he’s less likely to try. You have to be stronger, at least at first. Root for the guy who fumbles his words. Silently cheer him on. Smile at him, be patient and kind. If he’s struggling that much, he’s into you.

Don’t Become One Of My Statistics!

Will I ever find love? When will I meet my soulmate? And why haven’t I yet?

I challenge you not to become one of the millions of people who never met last night. Change your body language, build up your courage and confidence and make yourself more approachable to the right guy. He’s watching you and he wants to come over and say “Hi”, he’s just shaking in his boxers at the thought of it!

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How to Make a Guy Realize He’s Losing You

The Chase is On!

Sometimes, you need to know how to make a guy realize he’s losing you. Men can go rogue after the excitement fades. In other words, he starts taking you for granted. You give and he starts withdrawing. So, you give more, and he starts withdrawing more.

What’s the solution?

Put in as much effort into him as he does towards you!

This man needs to see signs that he might lose you so his chase DNA kicks back in and he starts to pursue again. Bring back the challenge and mystery.

How to Make a Guy Realize He’s Losing You | Tip #1: Resurrect Your Social Life Outside of His

Resurrect your social life!

This one is simple and its fun! Time to start spending a few Friday and Saturday nights with your friends and not your man. This instantly gets his attention and gets him thinking, “hmm, why doesn’t she want to be with me tonight?”

This is a positive development.

Oh, he might be excited for the first few nights to be able to join his friends, but that excitement will quickly turn to worry if he loves you.

How to Make a Guy Realize He is Losing You | Tip #2: Change Your Look

Change your look!

Another fun one. He has you labeled you. He thinks he knows everything about you. Time to strip that label and show him that you are very capable of change.

And if you can change your hair length, daily routine and clothes – then he will damn well think that you can change the guy you’re dating!

How to Make Him Chase You | Tip #3: Change it Up in the Bedroom

As soon as you rock his world with something new under the sheets (or in the elevator), his mind will think: “Where did she learn this move – from another guy?”

Boom! His days of taking you for granted will be over.

How to Make a Guy Realize He is Losing You | Tip #4: Change your Emotions

Remember how you snapped when he wanted to go out with the guys last Saturday night? This time smile and let him go. In fact, encourage him!

Don’t be sarcastic. Be nice. Just make sure he knows that you will be spending your night out too – looking hot with your girlfriends.

Really mess him with him by laying out his clothes for his upcoming night out!

How to Make Him Chase You Again | Tip #5: Prioritize You

Prioritize You and a little less him

Remember when he got DUI and you drove him everywhere for three months? How about the time when he was so sick that he could barely make it to the frig and you stayed with him for three days straight?

He has become accustomed to you caring about his needs over yours.

Yep, time to pull that plug too.

Book a trip for yourself. Say no to his petty needs a few times. Tell him that you would love to, but you and your friend Cheryl are dying to ride that Six Flags roller coaster this weekend.

How to Make a Guy Realize He is Losing You | Tip #6: Flirt

Be careful with this one. Guy’s are highly competitive and another man in his space rubs his fur the wrong way.

When you’re at a restaurant lock eyes with the hot waiter. Talk a little bit longer than you might normally with a stranger.

Your guy will quickly realize that he has become less of a priority in your life.

How to Make a Guy Realize He is Losing You | Tip #7: Kill it at the Gym

Did you that one of the first signs of an affair (or thoughts of leaving) is when one partner starts caring about his or her body again?

Kill it at the gym!

Hit the gym! Kill off those extra pounds and eat healthy while he is stuffing his face with the usual fried foods.

Watch as his “I will take you granted” grin fades off his face!

How to Make Him Worry about Losing You | Tip #8: Texting

You know how you respond in seconds after he texts you? You guessed it – stop!

Delay your responses a bit!

Respond an hour or two later. Make him sweat like he does to you. Again, the key is to stay nice and hold back your emotions when he gets irritated at your delay.

“I’m sorry, babe, I was doing crunches and I didn’t want to be interrupted.”

Or

“I was ordering drinks and I forgot to get back to you – won’t happen again.”

Then, do it again if his poor attitude doesn’t change.

How to Make a Guy Realize He’s Losing You | Conclusion

Don’t overdue these tips. Gauge his reactions and adjust your actions accordingly. Your man is like a dog – once he is trained to dig you again, you can back off and treat him like nothing ever happened.

Women will tell me that they don’t want to play games. I tell them to do it their way if they don’t like what they read.

They get back to me, single, and buy all my books!

Like it or not, guys have certain DNA traits built into them.  Yes, some of these traits suck and I wish we didn’t, but we do!  Play the game and win. If you do – the game will get played less and less.

The sheer fact that he knows what you are capable of will keep his ass in line!

The post How to Make a Guy Realize He’s Losing You appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.

3 Powerful Texts to Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back

Texts to Get Your Ex Back

Before I give you 3 powerful texts to get your ex-boyfriend back, let’s set the stage.

In my best-seller, How to Get Your Ex Back Fast, you learn how to send a powerful letter to your ex, wait a few days and then send a slip-in/slip-out text. These 3 powerful texts to get your ex-boyfriend back are written to fit right into that scene.

Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back Text #1: The “I’m Moving On” Text

You want to send this text about four or five days after he receives your good-bye letter.

You’re Moving On!

If you’ve already read the book, you know that your goal is to get your ex-boyfriend back indirectly, through things like the letter and breaking the no-contact rule, as you’re about to do!

Your friends, and your gut, are telling you that you should be texting him all of your angry emotions, making sure he knows every. single. thing. he’s done wrong, but I am here to tell you that won’t work.

IF he reads a text like that, he will roll his eyes and go back to what he was doing. He will also probably ignore your future communications.

This is not what you want him to do!

Instead of whining, begging and blaming, you are saying, “Okay buddy. You wanna break up? I’m good with that.” You’ve begun this process by sending him the good-bye letter.

Now, we’re delivering a second gut punch with this text.

Toy with the male psyche!

He will be confused and intrigued.

Remember, this breakup was his idea. He wanted his freedom or an ex or some other intangible he thought he would gain by setting you aside.

He was sure you would sit there, crying into your big bowl of ice cream, waiting for him to grace you with his presence in your life again.

Your letter and these texts tell him otherwise!

By the time you’re done with him, he will no longer be thinking of you as his fall-back girl. He will be hoping like heck you’re still available and that you still want to date him!

The messages he receives from you don’t say, “I’m angry, bitter and binge-eating”.

They say, “I’m moving on, pal”.

He will begin to question whether or not breaking up with you was such a good idea after all.

The Moving On Text:

“Hey Jeff. I’m going surfing next month and I need my board. Please stick it on the porch so I can grab it. Thanks!”

This text works because you’ve now got him wondering who you’re going surfing with. Is it another guy?

“But that was our thing!” is running through his head, along with “Why isn’t she all torn and sad about me leaving her?”

The language of that text is important.

You are telling him you are picking up your board. You’re not asking.

This is the behavior of a confident woman who knows what she wants!

The behavior of a low-confidence woman goes more like this:

“Please! I miss you!!! Maybe we can grab a drink soon??”

The text also doesn’t set a day or time. You’re not giving him the opportunity to ‘happen to be home’ when you stop by. In other words, you’re saying “I’ll come get it when I feel like it, and I’m not coming to see you!”

To use this text, all you need to do is fit a favorite activity from your relationship into the text.

“Hi Joe! What was the name of that apple orchard we visited last year? I’m going in a couple weeks and I can’t remember”

“What was the name of that hotel in Aruba? I am getting ready to plan another trip there and I can’t seem to recall”

These texts all accomplish the same thing – a swift punch in the gut.

Texts to Get your Ex Boyfriend Back Text #2: The “Remember” Text

You’ll want to save this text for a little later in your breakup.

The “Remember When” Text!

This comes after you’ve sent the good-bye letter and the slip-in/slip-out text from above.

You’ve allowed two or three weeks to go by and he has not contacted you, or he’s been less than excited to talk or reconcile.

For this text, you’re going to leverage something very powerful – positive memories. I like to call these pennies in the jar. If you loved one another and did things together, there are probably quite a few pennies in your jar!

Pennies come from vacations you took together or small outings, like trips to the orchard, pumpkin farm or to cut down a Christmas tree.

They come from great date-nights or weekend getaways. They can even come from a trip to the home improvement store to choose paint for the kitchen if you had fun doing it.

This text is meant to give him a jolt of endorphins by reminding him of one of those great things you did together.

“Gregg! It’s apple season again! I stopped by Lind’s Farm yesterday and picked up some cider for my Mom. It brought a smile to my face and a laugh!”

This works because the timing is spot on!

Two or three weeks out is the perfect time to send this text. He’s had enough time to miss you but you haven’t been so far out of his thoughts that he’s forgotten about you yet.

He’s had some time to be single and test out those greener pastures. The reality he is facing is that those greener pastures are full of piles of…well you know.

If he is a player, he wants to remain single but you’re a confident woman who doesn’t date players and you certainly wouldn’t chase one back into your life!

This text puts a pit in his stomach!

Tossing one of those shiny pennies back at him at this point in the breakup hits him hard. He’s been thinking about you and you just hit him, out of the blue, with one of your treasured memories together.

Job well done!

Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back Text #3: The “Help Me” Text

This is a text you use later, perhaps as long as three months after your breakup. Don’t worry, it will still work!

He will want to help you still!

One key to understanding men is to realize that the thing we like to do most is to fix stuff. In fact, we like to fix things in other people’s lives better than we like to fix them in our own lives!

It’s one of the ways a man shows you he loves you, in fact.

Knowing this, it’s easy to understand why fixing something for you will be an intriguing idea for him. In fact, it will have him rethinking the idea of breaking up with you in the first place! POWERFUL!

This is something your ex knows he can do right. He might be thinking he’s screwed up everything else in your relationship, but if he’s able to do what you ask, he’s willing and ready!

“Justin, Long time, huh? Question. I’m trying to hook up a new printer and I have no clue how to connect my laptop with the router thing. You are good with this kinda’ thing. Can I call you with a few questions?”

This text works because he may be feeling guilty about how things have gone. He feels guilty for breaking up.

Asking him to help you with something gives him the chance to ‘fix things’.

If he can fix whatever you ask him to, he most likely will.

This can be the opening he needs to warm to the idea of reconciling.

This type of text creates challenge.

Not in what you said, but in what you didn’t say.

You didn’t say “Oh Justin, I miss you so much!”

You didn’t say, “Hey Justin, let’s get together”

You didn’t say, “Can you come over and fix it for me?”

You just asked him for the information on how you could fix it and you move on.

Conclusion: Texts to Get your Ex Boyfriend Back

Timing is everything! Your good-bye letter was timed just right.

Try these powerful texts!

Your slip-in/slip-out text was timed just a few days later.

The other texts are also timed out, just right.

In between the messages you’re sending your ex, you’re working on yourself. You’re looking at what happened in the relationship through true lenses and rebuilding your confidence.

Without making positive changes in your life, any reconciliation will end with the same result – another breakup. That’s not what you want!

You have what you need to get started! 3 powerful texts to get your ex-boyfriend back! Right here in black and white!

To download my great “How to Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back” Infographic, click here.

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Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About Him

“I Can’t Stop Thinking About Him”

Whether you’re obsessing about a great guy you saw at the bar last week or your ex, who you dated for three years, it doesn’t much matter. The end result is the same – you can’t stop thinking about him.

“Dam, I can’t stop thinking about him!”

As annoying as this can be, there are some psychological and physical reasons for this guy to be stuck in your head.

As with much of what goes on in your life, it’s in large part, a matter of recognizing what’s going on in your mind and body to help you begin to work through the problem.

Along with obsessing usually comes compulsive behaviors.

If your mind is stuck on your ex, you may be engaging in compulsive behaviors such as texting him non-stop with whatever ramblings are running through your mind or trying to apologize and woo him back.

These compulsive behaviors may seem to be out of your control, but in reality, nothing is out of your control.

Learning that control can be challenging, but I know you’re not the type of woman to shy away from a challenge!

If you’re stuck on a guy you met a few weeks ago, you might have begun to imagine him in your life already.

Many times, women place a man on an undeserved pedestal, making them blind to any faults he may have.

Regardless of the reason, not only is your mind playing tricks on you, but your hormones are as well! Your body is getting an enjoyable high from the love chemicals it emits when you feel this way.

Your mind can quickly become addicted to these and coerce you into behaviors that will keep those chemical levels high.

In order to understand what’s causing these things to happen, we need to dig a little bit deeper so let’s get rolling!

You Can’t Stop Thinking About Him – Reason #1: Your RAS

Learn what is happening inside you

Your Reticular Activating System, or RAS, is a bundle of nerves whose job it is to filter out the unnecessary information our brain receives and only keep what we need.

Some scientific models indicate that our minds receive more than two million pieces of information every second. Only about seven of those are stored for use later.

Your RAS is kind of like using Google® to search for something. Last week, you searched for ‘best apple pie recipes’.

Now, you go back and enter ‘best’ into the search bar. Before you can finish, what pops up? “Best apple pie recipes”!

Meanwhile, your RAS has been at work in much the same way. You want an apple pie recipe so you suddenly see them everywhere. They’re on the bag of flour you bought; they’re on the cover of your favorite magazine; they’re turning up on Facebook and even on television commercials.

Your RAS created a filter, much like Google® does, for apple pie recipes.

While those two million bits of information are coming in, only those relating to apple pie are kept because you determined it to be important.

Let’s relate this back to your man problem of why you can’t stop thinking about him.

This guy has been placed in your mind as important.

He’s garnered a place in the RAS.

If you smell another guy who wears the same cologne, you’ll think of him. If you see a shirt similar to the one he was wearing, you’ll think of him.

Your RAS has created the guy filter and different inputs are reminding you of him all the time. If the guy is an ex, he already holds a place of importance in your life, so that filter was long ago put into place.

Crazy right?

You Can’t Stop Thinking About Him – Reason #2: Chemistry

This one, again, is all about your brain, except this time, we’re dealing with chemistry.

When you are in love or feel that instant flush of infatuation, your brain releases some chemicals – we’ll call them happy hormones.

Adrenaline, Dopamine, Serotonin, Oxytocin and Vasopressin create a dangerous cocktail of hormones which go whirring around, making you feel all warm and fuzzy.

While this seems all well and good – I mean who doesn’t want to feel this way, right?

The truth is that your body can quickly become addicted to this feeling – the high of excess amounts of these hormones raging through your body.

Science tells us that your body’s addiction to these chemicals can be more difficult to overcome than an addiction to cocaine!

For that reason, your mind will begin to suggest behaviors which will keep these hormone levels higher. You will think about him and all of your good times.

Perhaps you will engage in some risky behavior like drinking too much, binge eating or going on a shopping spree.

Your hormones are raging!

All of these things bring you a temporary false high as you experience that same rush of hormones.

Of course, your brain doesn’t care that in the end, thinking about him isn’t good for you, it just wants those hormones and it will entice you to do anything to keep those levels up.

You Can’t Stop Thinking About Him – Reason #3: His Body Language

Often, you can learn a lot about someone by reading their body language.

This guy may have subconsciously been working to attract you to him with his body language. While he wasn’t intentionally sending you signals, you may have picked some up.

One such signal is whether or not he appears to be calm.

Someone who is nervous will be fidgety, have arms and hands flailing all over and may even stand with arms crossed.

Someone who is calm will have relaxed arms and won’t appear to be nervous or fidgety.

Women tend to find this lower-stress man more attractive. He may be more at ease talking to you, which puts you more at ease as well.

Another body language cue might be manspreading. I know, it’s annoying and I even heard some subway systems have signs up asking men not to do this.

But the truth is, if he’s manspreading, he is asserting his dominance over the space you’re both occupying.

This position, which may include him sitting back in his seat with his arm resting on the seat back beside him, is a very open and inviting position.

Some call this space maximizing instead of manspreading, which I have to admit, seems less offensive.

A third way in which his body language can draw you in is how he relates to the friends he’s with.

A man who is sullen, perhaps with drooped shoulders and not really engaging with his friends holds no attraction.

But, a man who is openly back-slapping his friends, maybe putting the occasional arm over another guy’s shoulder or giving the brief guy hug, is coming off as someone who shows social dominance.

This guy is upbeat, confident and happy. Who doesn’t want to be around that guy!?

You Can’t Stop Thinking About Him – Reason #4: Suppression

Have you ever tried to stop eating sugar? What do you think about 24/7?

Yup, that’s right. SUGAR!

It’s so annoying to want to get rid of something in your life and yet, all you can think about is that. one. thing. Give me a dozen Dunkin Donut’s glazed donuts and there gone!!

It consumes your thoughts, no matter how far down you try to stuff it.

The same thing is going on with this guy. You’re trying to suppress your thoughts of him but it’s having the opposite effect.

Some call suppression ‘thought stopping’. The problem with thought stopping is that it leads to what they call ‘thought rebounding’.

What this means is that the more you try to suppress something, the more likely you are to think about it. Along with these thoughts can come anxiety and depression.

If it’s an ex boyfriend you’re trying to suppress, you may feel depressed at your inability to remove him from your life. If he was abusive or the relationship was particularly stressful, you may also feel anxious thinking about him.

Thought Stopping

With thought stopping, you may be able to suppress your thoughts for some period of time, like ten minutes, but when that time is up, the thoughts will be even more prevalent than they were before.

In other words, if you try to stop thinking about your ex for ten minutes, in the next moments after, you’ll think about him even more!

It defeats the whole purpose.

You Can’t Stop Thinking About Him – Reason #5: Grief

What?

This one pertains mainly to eliminating thoughts about your ex. When you grieve a relationship, it’s different than grieving the death of someone.

There are nine stages of grieving a relationship, which you can find in more detail in my best-selling He’s Gone, Now What? – Breakup book for women

Several of these stages can lead you to think obsessively of your ex. One of those is the Denial Stage.

In this stage, you are telling yourself that the breakup isn’t real. You have difficulty imagining your life without him and you believe, falsely, that he’s going through some sort of phase. He’ll be back soon.

All you need to do is wait.

Another stage of grieving your relationship that keeps your ex foremost in your thoughts is when you go on a hunt for answers.

Why did this breakup happen? You thought everything was great and now, you’re alone. Why? Why? Why?

This is an exercise in futility because it’s leading you to ultimately believe that knowing the why will help you resolve the problem. It’s an attempt to invalidate the breakup.

The truth is that knowing the why, if you can ever figure it out, won’t help with anything.

Internal and external bargaining, two additional stages of grieving, are perfect for keeping a man in your thoughts.

With external bargaining, you determine that you’ll do anything to get him back. You obsess over what was wrong and how you can make repairs.

When you engage in internal bargaining, you’re going the route of “If only I had done…” You begin to imagine a false reality where you acted differently and there was a different outcome – you’re still together.

With any of these stages of grief, your mind is playing tricks on you in an attempt to get those happy hormones we talked about earlier flowing again.

How to Stop Thinking About Him
Make Positive Changes

So, what’s the answer? How do you stop thinking about him?

Break your routine!

The trick is to retrain your brain with different thinking. This isn’t thought stopping, but rather, focusing your thoughts differently.

We are so afraid of change, and yet, change is what keeps us growing and improving ourselves. We fear the unknown and this keeps us locked into the same life, day after day.

What if…stay with me now…

What if you decided that tomorrow, you were going to go to a different coffee shop?! Your ex always seems to show up at your usual haunt and it just brings you down.

What if you decided to take a cooking class, a class on blowing glass or a class on learning to kayak? Hmm?

Or, what if you opted to take some classes to advance your career?

What if you took up dancing, playing the piano or painting?

Change Your Friendships

Maybe your friends are positive, happy people but perhaps they aren’t. At least not all of them.

Change up your friendships

When we surround ourselves with negative people, we focus on the negatives in our lives – the things we don’t have versus what we do have.

Friends who are always making those positive changes in their own lives inspire us to do the same.

Whereas friends who sit around every night drinking and lamenting over their crappy lives bring us down.

It’s time to lift yourself up with positive friends.

Remove Him from His Pedestal

You thought I forgot that you’d put him on that pedestal didn’t you? Nope.

I remembered.

Even if you only met him briefly, you could have placed him on that imaginary pedestal.

He was handsome – his first few inches up the pedestal.

This man’s eyes were incredible – he creeps up a little more.

He was funny – he skyrocketed up quite a bit.

This guy said all of the right things – he’s now inching up even more.

He touched you and you nearly fainted – boy oh boy is this guy moving up!

And he asked for your number and even texted you good night (before he faded into the woodwork forever) – now he’s sitting squarely on top of a pedestal he didn’t really earn.

Take his ass down!

You have glorified his actions and turned him into some undeserving superhero.

For all you know, this guy hates his mother, never flosses and purposely runs over squirrels!

His clothes are torn t-shirts he’s had since 1995 that walk themselves to the washer because he’s a lazy slob.

I don’t care who he is, never place a guy on a pedestal like that. We don’t want to be up there. It makes us uncomfortable.

A man feels your expectations of him are too high when he’s atop his perch. He doesn’t want you to think of him as some god. He wants to be equal to you, not high up in your clouded vision.

Yes, you can appreciate a man for his good traits. In fact, he would enjoy hearing a little appreciation once in a while, but make him earn it!

Take him down from his pedestal!

“Wow John! It’s really great of you to remember that I love Italian!” That, we like to hear!

Go No Contact

This one can be difficult but, if you don’t want him back in your life, why are you still talking to him?

I get it if he’s an ex and you have property or kids together. Even then, you can keep your conversations only on those subjects.

The problem is that your obsession with a guy often leads to the compulsion to talk to him. This is where you need to dig into that hobby or find a book to read.

Distract your mind from him – don’t try to stop the thoughts – try to shift their focus to something else.

Forgive Him

If this man you can’t stop thinking about has hurt you in some way, you need to forgive him.

Forgiveness isn’t for the person you’re forgiving, it’s for you.

Forgiveness also isn’t you saying that what happened was okay.

It’s your way of letting go of the anger. People we remain angry with often don’t even realize we’re still angry.

While they are consuming your every thought, chances are, it’s not mutual.

Anger is often called allowing someone to live rent-free in your head. They occupy space something else could occupy – something wonderful.

Holding anger gives others power over you. Break the cycle!

What’s a Girl to do?

Forgiving opens up that space and boots out that squatter who’s been holding that rent-free spot. It also opens up space in your heart for new love!

What’s a Girl to Do?

When you find that you can’t stop thinking about him, consider why he’s stuck there and begin to work through the solutions I have given you.

It’s not impossible to change your thinking, but it does take a conscious effort, day in and day out.

Yes, it’s hard, but it’s worth it because, in the end, you will find yourself at peace with not having him around.

It’s in that peaceful existence that you will find yourself happy and ready to move forward with your life!

The post Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About Him appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.

How To Get Over A Guy You Never Really Dated

Getting Over a Guy You Liked But Never Dated Sucks!

Why is it so difficult to get over a guy you never actually had? At least breakups have reasons behind them. You didn’t get along. Your values weren’t the same or you grew apart.

But getting over a guy you liked but never really dated hurts. Why?

We take things personally and when people we like discard us, they drive a sword right through our self-esteem.

Isn’t that exactly how you feel? Discarded? Cast off?

I thought he liked me!

This can be especially true if you got to know that person and you thought you made a great impression. You really thought things were clicking and he was into you.

Ouch!

You begin to feel like damaged goods. Your impression of the relationship was that you were a great match for one another but then, you find out you were wrong.

If you’re such a poor judge, why bother to try again?

You must be flawed in some way. Isn’t that how you feel right now?

You are wrong.

Here are a few ways to get over a guy you liked who flakes on you.

How to Get Over a Guy | Realize He Never Gave You A Chance

Look realistically at the time you spent together. How much time was it really? One date? Two dates with a hookup?

Did you just talk on the phone and text for two weeks or email back and forth online?

In that short amount of time, did he really get to know you?

If all your communication was through technology, he never even got to meet the real you.

Love takes time, infatuation takes minutes. To understand the difference is to begin to understand what really happened.

Recognize That You Never Got To Know Him

Take a moment now to be really honest with yourself. What is it that you truly liked about this guy? Was it his eyes or the way he stood out in the crowd?

Displace him with someone new!

Did he make you laugh or did his really buff body make you swoon?

That’s not enough to declare what you had was love. That’s attraction.

There could be multiple reasons for his behavior like:

He was married, on a business trip and wanted a fling
Your crush didn’t want kids and you told him you wanted a few
He told you a ton of lies to make him look good and he knew he couldn’t ever see you again

The truth is you don’t know why he flaked on you but now, you’re starting to internalize it and that’s no good!

Ask Yourself – Did Things Click For Both Of You?

In the time you spent with him, things for you clicked. You felt attracted to him and wanted to see him more. For him, nothing clicked. He wasn’t attracted to you.

This doesn’t mean you’re ugly, too fat or anything else. It just means you’re not his type.

On more than one occasion, I’ve experienced this. A woman was totally into me for a reason I couldn’t understand.

Love can’t happen virtually

She was attractive, and had I been single, I might have dated her. Something about me clicked for her.

I’m sure it’s happened to you as well. More than likely, you’ve experienced a time when a man was more into you than you were into him.

Chances are you might not really recall this because we tend to discard people from our memory bank if we’re not into them.

I’ve had many times where I was much more into a woman than she was with me. Sometimes they never even knew how into them I was because it wasn’t reciprocated.

When a relationship has potential, it’s because both parties are into one another. Things click for both of you! You can’t wait to see him again and the same goes for him.

This time realize that he wasn’t or couldn’t continue to see you and take solace in the fact that you have been in the same position.

Get Right Back Out There And Quickly Displace This Memory

If you really want to get over a guy you barely even dated, I’ll tell you the secret! It’s as simple as getting right back out there and finding a new guy.

Boot this last guy from your memory bank with fun new memories with a new guy.

Forget pouting and spending long nights wondering what went wrong. Stop blaming yourself and digging up all of your perceived flaws.

Pull yourself up by your sandal straps and get right back out there in the dating world.

Could the same thing happen again? Heck yeah, we fail and that’s fine! Chalk these experiences up to learning and move forward.

What Can You Change In the Future?
Look At First Dates Differently

Instead of looking at a first date as a chance to fall instantly in love, look at it as a fun expedition. You’re going to uncover new and uncharted territory.

You’re going to meet someone new who has a different perspective on life from yours. He may even be from a different culture.

The first few dates should be about having fun together doing things you enjoy. Just about the worst first date is sitting across the table from a stranger with dead air separating you.

Make first dates about going and doing exciting things. Go jetsking. Hit an amusement park. Go for a walk in a public park.

DO something that is fun. Even an informal pizza date is a better first date than a dinner at some swanky restaurant.

Now, he sees the real you and you get to vet him. This gives you a much better chance of never being in this position again.

This is your time to get to know one another. This is the time to observe how he treats other people. Learn who he is.

Watch his behavior when you’re alone versus when you’re around others. Is it the same?

Don’t Look For Milestones

Women date for milestones. When does he reach out to hold your hand? When does he lean in to kiss you? How soon does he take you to meet his mother?

Guys have no idea you’re looking for those milestones. We are simply living in the moment, getting to know you and having fun!

We are in chase mode.

You’re intriguing to us. You present two things we crave. Challenge and mystery.

Rather than stressing out when you’re on a date about whether or not he’ll kiss you or hold your hand, just go have fun! You’re missing out on the fun by setting yourself up for disappointment.

Those things don’t mean nearly as much to a guy as they do to you!

How to Get Over a Guy | Wrapping Up

The truth is that, while you were totally into him, for some reason, there was no mutual attraction. This doesn’t mean you’re flawed or broken in any way, don’t let this circumstance tell you things it shouldn’t.

Don’t let the evil voices in your head turn this into some big drama and failure on your part. It’s as simple as he wasn’t into you. Period. You did nothing wrong. You are not flawed.

Get yourself back out there and just have fun! Live in the moment and show him your crazy side. Not every man you meet will be Mr. Right but your odds increase significantly if you recover quicker and keep trying!

The post How To Get Over A Guy You Never Really Dated appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.

Do Emotionally Unavailable Men Change?

Dating Men Who Can’t Love

You’ve asked the question that led you here for a reason – you suspect you’re dating or married to an emotionally unavailable man who can’t love.

You’ve twirled your hair into circles, chewed your nails and cried to your friends until they’ve stopped talking to you about him.

Still. The answer is elusive. Will your emotionally unavailable man change?

The truth is that unless he wants to change, the odds are against you.

Why tell you this so early on in the article?

Because, I want you to understand more about an emotionally unavailable man so you can make the necessary changes in your own life moving forward.

I know you firmly believe that if you change something, he will be motivated to change.

How many times have you said this, to yourself or someone else, “If I could just…”. Fill in the blank:

If I could just make him see how great we are together
If I could just understand why he’s closed off to me
If I could just dig into that sensitive brain of his

And, perhaps the most dangerous,

If I could just change him

You can’t teach him to love!

This man is an adult, he is not a child. And change does not come easy to an adult. When you see an emotionally unavailable man, you often immediately perceive him as childlike. Perhaps he is, but this shouldn’t be your automatic assumption.

And so what if he is. Do you really want to date a man-child? Don’t you deserve a man who acts like an adult?

Of course you do!

Let’s dig into emotionally unavailable men and see what we can unearth in our expedition.

It’s Different in Men and Women

Since boys and girls are raised differently when it comes to emotions, it stands to reason that emotionally unavailable men and women have different characteristics.

As you will see, there are overlapping traits, but for the most part, men and women are different.

While a woman can be open with someone and still be emotionally unavailable, for men, it is the openness that is part of the problem.

Yes, being emotionally unavailable is about not being able to engage emotionally, but a man is more likely to shy away from the discomfort of emotions he isn’t familiar with or make him uncomfortable.

It impedes his ability to connect and grow a relationship into deeper and deeper intimacy.

A healthy relationship continues to build emotional depth but if one or both parties are emotionally unavailable, there is no emotional depth.

Emotionally Unavailable Men Characteristics

He Doesn’t Like to Talk About Deep Topics

An emotionally unavailable man doesn’t want to engage in any conversation where feelings are involved. This not only applies to his feelings of love for you, but also to his feelings of pain, shame or guilt, to name a few.

In fact, this guy has become the master of ignoring his negative emotions. When you might expect him to feel sad, as in the death of a loved one, he is stoic and seems unengaged.

When he does show emotion is when someone tries to climb over or dig under the emotional wall he has built. He won’t tolerate intruders.

An emotionally unavailable man exhibiting this characteristic can be tricky to spot. He might show you glimpses of emotion from time to time, but rest assured, he will pull back quickly enough!

He’s Hot and Cold

emotionally unavailable men blow hot and cold

Emotionally unavailable men will sometimes text you, all day, every day for a few weeks. You get the feeling he’s totally into you.

Sex is great and everything seems hunky dory.

Then, like a tidal wave, the silence hits.

You can’t get him to respond, even if you tease him with a sexy text. He seems to be MIA.

Of course, just when you’re about to give up, Mr. Hot and Cold will return, hotter than ever, reassuring you (in your own mind) that everything is fine. This was all your imagination.

This pattern will continue infinitely.

As frustrating as it is, I beg you not to blame yourself. He isn’t dashing away because of anything you’re doing. He’s just had as much display of emotion as he can handle for a few weeks.

He’s Suffering a Loss

A man who has recently suffered a devastating loss is going to be emotionally unavailable. The good news is that this reason may pass with time, if he was emotionally available before.

Most of the time.

Loss is difficult for men to deal with and it comes in all shapes and sizes.

Men feel a sense of loss if they lose a job, don’t get a promotion, get demoted, lose a loved one (including a pet) or even lose a prized possession like that Corvette he had to get rid of because he can’t afford the insurance, now that he has a family.

A man needs to crawl into his man cave and deal with these things on his own. He will come out, eventually, ready to love again, if he is able to deal with the loss.

He’s Married or in a Committed Relationship

A man may be looking for a hookup, but he doesn’t want to come off as that guy, so he fakes his feelings to woo you in.

While this is totally scumbag material and I make no excuses for my gender, it’s still true.

Is he married and you don’t know it?

A married or committed guy will be emotionally unavailable when he is not.

Oh, he might say he wants to be with you, but things never come to be.

He is guarding his emotions because he’s already in a committed relationship. You are something he has, on the side, to feel like he’s in chase mode again or to find challenge.

When a man won’t reveal his relationship status to you or seems to be evasive when it comes to meeting family or friends, you might want to do some digging.

Men Who Can’t Love | He is Conveniently Missing during Your Times of Need

Where was Mr. Wonderful when your grandma died?

When you had to take your 15 year old dog to the vet to be put down, where was he?

When you’re experiencing highly emotional times, is he there?

No?

That’s because he doesn’t want to deal with your emotional moments any more than he wants to deal with his own.

Other times this guy will be unavailable include the time you need someone to change your flat tire or put together your new bookshelves.

I often tell women men show their love. A man who loves you will not only change your tire for you, he’ll drive your car to the dealership to get a new one.

The same guy will put your shelf together, fix your plumbing leak or do anything else to help you.

Is He the Master of Excuses?

Does he make plans with you, only to flake and not show up?

Then, after you spend hours trying to text and call him, you finally give up, deciding he’s dead on the side of the road somewhere.

Oh, he’s dead alright. Emotionally dead.

This guy disappears but, when he resurfaces, there is always some elaborate excuse. Not only did his dog die but Fido did it in glorious fashion.

emotionally broken men make excuses!

Or his best friend’s ex wife showed up on his doorstep and he just had to be there for him.

Perhaps his kid had an emergency that required his undivided attention…but for hours, days or weeks?

No. This guy panicked and flaked on you. Period.

Things got too close, he started feeling something and BAM he needed to get out of it and fast!

Is He Quick to Blame or Anger?

Blaming is the emotionally unavailable man’s game. Nothing is his fault.

You expect too much of him – it isn’t that he can’t give. It’s your fault.

You shouldn’t have asked him to help you. You know he’s super busy. You’re disappointment is your own fault.

Nothing he does is his own responsibility.

This includes his angry outbursts when someone tries to permeate the wall he has built around himself.

Why am I Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable Men

You too are Emotionally Unavailable

The painful truth you may need to face is that you too might be emotionally unavailable. Likes attract likes. We attract into our lives those who are most like us.

A relationship between two emotionally unavailable people is just about as dysfunctional as it can be. The good news for you is that it’s also rare.

Your intentions may be honorable. You may truly love him and he you, but if neither of you is emotionally unavailable, the love doesn’t matter. You will never connect deeply.

How do you respond to these questions:

Do you shy away from conflict?
Does your life feel as if it’s in a constant state of chaos?
Are you a workaholic?
Do you, yourself, avoid commitment?
Do you feel as if you don’t even know who you are any longer?
Do you develop bonds with people? Do you invest your emotions in someone else?
Do you love yourself?
Have you just exited a relationship?
Do you use perfectionism to cut people out of your life? They just don’t hit the mark so they’re out…
Do you behave elusively? You drop out of plans last minute, refuse to commit until the last minute? Are you known as the one nobody can count on to show up?

If you responded “Yes” to a few of these, you may have your answer.

You are an Emotional Chaser

Do you find yourself chasing this type of man?

An emotional chaser is someone who chases love and affection from men who can’t love and never finds it. You invest time and energy in men who are only partially interested or capable of a real relationship.

When you are an emotional chaser, you:

Fall for men who will cheat on you, won’t commit and refuse to settle down
Are emotionally committed to the relationship while he is not, regardless of how hard you try
Believe the men you date are more desirable than you are
Live in a constant state of fear that he will leave you so you work twice as hard to keep him interested in you
Morph into who you think he wants you to be, completely casting aside your own values and beliefs

You are looking for the Wrong Things in a Man

Women too often fall for the good-looking guy with the smooth lines.

When said smooth-talker focuses his attention on you, you feel lucky to have been chosen by him. All intelligence and reason flows out of you.

The problem is this guy is a player. He’s smooth because he’s practiced a lot.

He wants to sleep with you and use you for whatever he can but he does not want and cannot make an emotional connection with you.

When you are looking for a man, your better bet is to look for traits like kindness, reliability and emotional stability.

Look for someone who brings out the best in you and vice versa. You should complement one another and make each other feel stronger.

You Don’t Believe You Deserve a Great Man

If you have low self-worth, the idea of dating someone who thinks you’re wonderful scares the daylights out of you.

How can you be with someone who thinks you’re all that if you don’t believe it yourself? You would never believe anything this guy told you and, in fact, it would make you really uncomfortable.

Having low self-worth comes with a lot of anxiety and fear.

You always fear you won’t measure up to someone’s expectations.

Because of this, it’s easier for you to seek a man who is also emotionally broken. He won’t be puffing you up and you don’t need to invest more than you can.

Fixing others is easier than Fixing Yourself

It’s always easier to see the flaws in someone else. Likes attract likes, but we don’t often recognize this in ourselves.

Fix the things you can control

You like emotionally unavailable men because it gives you a project to work on that isn’t yourself.

You can focus your energy on his flaws, rather than on your own. It’s easier to point out what he should do to fix himself than to turn that finger back on yourself.

To face our perceived inadequacies is scary to say the least. Our minds will help us avoid this, thus keeping everything intact.

All of the negativity you’ve heard others say to you, along with what you’ve said to yourself is deeply seated in your unconscious mind – buried deep. Only through reprogramming will this change.

You must change your own narrative and avoid those who put you down.

There are many Emotionally Unavailable Men to choose from

Sadly, the concentration of emotionally unavailable people on the dating market is pretty high.

This type of person is often the relationship ender and they quickly are able to rejoin the dating scene because they had nothing invested in the relationship.

When an emotionally unavailable person divorces and remarries, their odds of getting divorced a second time are very high. Not to worry, they’ll be right back out there, looking for you!

An emotionally unavailable man will be looking for a woman who craves closeness, which can be a form of anxiety.

Dating Emotionally Unavailable Men Reinforces Your Insecurities

Let’s take a brief detour into some Attachment Theory.

Your childhood holds clues

According to Attachment Theory, our relationships with our parents help to shape our expectations about our romantic partners later in life. This is a changeable expectation.

Here’s where this comes into play for you. If, in your childhood, being close and connected to someone brought you pain and neglect.

You crave the closeness you never received, but what happens is you make too many sacrifices with a disappointing end result.

You commit to the relationship and draw closer but the emotionally unavailable person reacts by putting you down or telling you you’re needy.

Now, you believe the problem is all yours and down goes your self-esteem…again.

This emotionally unavailable man confirmed your beliefs about yourself, which were formed in your youth. Being close and connected brings pain and neglect.

You Miss the cues of Healthy Love

Emotionally unavailable men who can’t love are often quick to sex and tend to be real firecrackers in the beginning of a relationship. This is how they can draw you in.

Their high energy and focus on the relationship leads you to believe they’re all in, 1000%.

The problem is that if you’re accustomed to dating this type of guy and you meet an emotionally healthy man, you might miss the cues.

You’re looking for the anxiousness of an unhealthy attachment and miss signals of a healthy one, which is calmer. There is no tension. There is no playing hard-to-get.

The man you’ve just met is secure in who he is and he has chosen you.

When you too are emotionally healthy, you choose men and you see healthy, not unhealthy men, as the goal of your pursuit.

How do I stop Dating Emotionally Unavailable Men?

Fix Yourself

It’s time to figure out why you keep attracting this type of man into your life.

I’ve given you a few reasons but you have to dig deep for your particular reason.

The truth is that, in all of those relationships, you are the common denominator. There is a reason you are choosing this same type of man, over and over.

What is common to most of the reasons for choosing emotionally unavailable men who can’t love is that your self-esteem is in the dumper.

Take a break from dating and work on your confidence:

Listen to and adjust your self-talk so it is positive
Set boundaries which stop people who abuse you in some way
Read some great books on building yourself, like these
Take a confidence course, perhaps something like Build Yourself and He Will Come

Recognize the Signs Early On

An emotionally unavailable man has some signals you can detect. In addition to those I’ve listed above, here are a few more:

Tethering – a man who texts but never wants to make plans with you – he’s happy with phone-dating you
He has no range of emotions – it’s normal to get angry or frustrated but someone who doesn’t show any emotion when he should is sending strong signals
He avoids commitment – any discussion on any form of commitment is met with resistance

Often, women fall hard and fast for a man. This, combined with the rocket-like start many emotionally unavailable men will give to a new relationship, is a bad combination.

By the time you realize there are signals, you think you’ve got too much time and energy invested.  Your new goal becomes wanting to fix him, which is probably what brought you here today.

Don’t Try to Rescue Men

Some women like to rescue others.

Your tendency to be a nurturer leads you here, and while your nurturing side is comforting to a child, it’s not to a man.

men who can’t love cannot be rescued!

Aside from that, you cannot fix someone else, regardless of his problem.

The problem is that it feels good to imagine you played a role in someone becoming a better person.

If you want to do rescue work, go to an animal shelter. You can feel good about walking a half-dozen cute pups around the yard to give them some exercise.

Leave men to rescue themselves.

Ask Yourself if You’re in a Good Place for a Relationship

Society tells us we need to be in a relationship. If you’re not in a relationship, there’s something obviously wrong with you. Right?

WRONG!

There are times in your life when you may not be ready for a relationship:

Just after you’ve gotten out of a long-term relationship
When your focus is on your career or education
When your confidence and self-esteem are low
When you notice a pattern of choosing broken men

There are others, but these are the times people most often do the opposite and seek a relationship.

Then, because they’re not in a good place to be a good partner, things go sour and confidence and self-esteem take a nosedive.

Make Change a High Priority in Your Life

The biggest thing you must do to change this pattern is to make change a high priority. Recognizing that you’ve got a problem in choosing men is just the start of fixing things.

Now, the hard work begins.

Not only do you need to rebuild your confidence and self-esteem, but you also need to make other changes as well.

You may need to change the friends you hang out with when you’re on the prowl. You may need to look for men in new places.

All of the activities you need to do to begin making positive choices require a commitment of time and energy.

You must prioritize this, just like you prioritized your education, career, children or developing any talents you may have.

Don’t be Afraid to Ask Questions

You can make positive change!

When you’re dating someone new, ask him questions. A great informative question is “How did your last relationship end?”

If he waves his hand and says something like, “Oh, she was a real bitch” or “She was too needy”, he’s telling you he exited.

If you find out he exited last week, chances are he wasn’t emotionally invested and he probably won’t be with you either.

Become Comfortable sharing Your Own Emotions

We often attract emotionally unavailable people because we don’t want them to ask us to share our emotions.

Childhood and early adult life has taught you that sharing your emotions results in pain and disappointment, therefore you don’t feel comfortable doing it any longer.

Start where it’s safe – with a good, trusted friend. Share with her an emotion you’ve struggled to share.

Feel the love that comes back to you and let it wash over you. Enjoy how great this feels.

Learning to share emotions comfortably is tricky but it leads you to healthy relationships where you can not only give love but receive it.

Right now, you’re finding men who don’t give it so you don’t have to feel uncomfortable receiving.

Remember, Love is a Verb

Think about it, in the sentence “I love you”, there are two nouns and one verb.

Love means you are all in!

To love someone is to care for them, to feel deep affection for them, to hold them very dear to you and to be devoted to them.

Infatuation is often mistaken for love. By definition, infatuation is short-lived passion or admiration for someone.

When you love someone, you want your life and theirs to be better together. You truly care if they experience a loss, have a bad day, get a great promotion or experience other landmark events in their life.

You grow together, emotionally, into a deeper, committed relationship because you take action toward one another that show caring, affection and devotion.

Set Boundaries

Boundaries define where you end and someone else begins. A boundary helps you define what is acceptable behavior by people in your life versus unacceptable.

Someone who always berates you breaks a boundary.

A man who demands sex too early in a relationship is breaking a boundary, or he should be.

Too often, we are afraid to set boundaries because we don’t want to hurt people. We don’t want someone to be angry with us.

Set boundaries and stick to them!

Here’s the deal. You cannot control how someone else will react to what you do. If a boundary crasher gets angry with you for setting a boundary, that’s on them!

Having healthy boundaries helps you recognize when someone isn’t treating you in the way you deserve to be treated. This person needs to be removed from your life, or at least have limited exposure to you.

How to Date (Temporary) Emotionally Unavailable Men

Poke His Emotions When He Should be showing Them

If your guy experiences a loss but is coming off as being pretty stoic, poke his emotions a little bit.

You can say something like, “I remember when my grandmother died. I was so sad. She meant so much to me. You seem to be handling this really well, but I wonder how you really feel about it.”

He still may not respond while you’re around, but with any luck, maybe he will at least feel something when he’s alone.

You may not know it, of course, but you might start to see some twinge of emotion from him.

Feed Him Information Anyway

Some men who can’t love are very self-centered. He couldn’t care less about how you feel about something so he’s not going to ask questions like “How did your presentation go?” or “How are you doing since your dog died?”

He simply does. Not. Care.

So, your alternative is to offer the information anyway.

“Hey honey, that presentation I did today went great! My boss loved it and I think the clients are on board!”

Or…

“I can’t believe it’s been a month since Rover died. I still miss him so much.”

Match His Self-Centered Nature

Your emotionally unavailable man might be a narcissist. They often are, and truth be told, if he is, you just need to exit.

Is he a narcissist?

Every time your guy shares something about his day, you match it.

Him: “Boy I had a terrible day. My boss is a real jerk. I never get credit for saving his ass”

You: “I know what you mean. I did that presentation today and barely got a response from my boss and the clients loved it!”

When he ignores the things you say, either by poking him or by matching what he says, he is most likely narcissistic, and you need to cut your losses.

Know When He Just Needs space and when He’s Completely Unengaged

Yes, a man needs space when he is dealing with something emotionally difficult.

All men do, but there is a difference between needing a few days to sort things out and needing forever to avoid dealing with the pain.

It’s fine to give a guy the space he requires, but within reason. Ask him how long he feels he needs to deal with his stuff.

If he’s still not coming around at that point, he’s not going to. It’s time to boot him to the curb!

Allow His Schedule to Prevail

To draw out an emotionally unavailable man who can’t love, you must allow the relationship to advance at his pace. This can be very difficult for you, because women like to prod men along but heed my advice!

Allow him to determine how fast things go:

Let him call you
Don’t try to touch him to get him to engage
Don’t send him sexy texts and photos to seduce him
Don’t invite him to places you know he loves to go

Your goal is to create a space in which he feels safe. He doesn’t see you as someone who is forcing him into something he doesn’t want.

when a man is in a temporarily emotionally distant be patient

This requires a level of patience that is difficult for many people, but it also requires you being open to his advances when they do come.

It also requires you to show your emotions, even if they’re negative, but in a way which tells him he can fix it and it’s not so bad.

If he’s late, for example, you can express your disappointment without making him feel horrible.

“Gee, Mike, since you got here so late, we’ve missed the 8:00 movie. Too bad because I really wanted to see it. What can we do instead?”

You’re giving him an option to make it up to you here by allowing him to choose another activity – hopefully one he knows you’ll enjoy.

Do Emotionally Unavailable Men Change?

The unfortunate truth I have to share with you is this – emotionally unavailable men can change, but it is only through their own efforts that they will accomplish this.

It is possible that an emotionally unavailable man is deeply in love with you but still, he is unable to connect on that deeper level you crave.

What underlies this unavailability is fear, plain and simple. Fear is what keeps us from making most of the changes we need to make in our lives.

For the emotionally unavailable man, it is fear of rejection, fear of getting hurt and fear of not being good enough.

Being emotionally unavailable is a protective measure we place in our lives. It keeps us feeling safe in the place we’ve existed in for most of our lives.

Whether you are the emotionally unavailable one or he is, or perhaps both, what you need to understand is that becoming emotionally available means facing many fears, sitting with many uncomfortable feelings and altering the self-talk that’s been used for a lifetime.

To be emotionally unavailable is to try and keep vulnerability at bay.

Vulnerability shows the soft underbelly most of us try to hide from others, again for fear of rejection, hurt or finding out we’re not good enough.

Someone who is emotionally unavailable can certainly change, but it isn’t an overnight change and there is little you can do to change someone else.

An emotionally unavailable man who can’t love must see his closed-off emotions as a problem and want to make a change. Men do it, and so do women, but not without extensive work.

If you are dating or married to an emotionally unavailable man, your best hope is that he sees the problem and seeks help. This may require him to pull back from your relationship while he works on himself. It may be the end of your relationship, but that is yet to be determined.

What he requires of you, when he decides to change, is patience and understanding. He needs acceptance and the knowledge that he is enough.

The post Do Emotionally Unavailable Men Change? appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.

How to Ask a Guy Out | 5 Sure Fire Ways to Get a Yes!

Asking a Guy Out Can Be Fun with these 5 Tips!

For as long as I have been interested in women, I dreamed that just one would walk up and ask me out, “Gregg, you handsome devil, wanna go out with me?”

56 years later – I’m still waiting!

Ok maybe a few did but I sure as heck can’t remember when and, if a woman did, she probably was a hunch back with a tail.

Guys are rooting for you just like I was all my life!

My point being, is to ask a man out! We want you to. Men will root for you. We are more afraid than you are – that I can guarantee.

Add the #Metoo movement and now we think you will have us arrested if we even flirt with you.

It takes some degree of confidence in yourself to ask a guy out. I get that. That’s why my website for women has a slogan across the header that says, Build Yourself and He Will Come!

If you see yourself cringing at these five ways on how to ask a guy out then you need to hit the confidence button, on my homepage, and get some.

So what are the best ways to ask a guy out? The key is to put yourself in the position to ask a guy out so you can ask the question more comfortably.

The actual question is often the easy part. It takes confidence, but it’s easy.

How to ask a guy out:

#1: Pick something on your bucket list and go for it!

Let’s make asking a guy out easy by setting the stage.

Brainstorm 50 ideas (hobbies/passions/new adventures) narrow to 10. Pick 1 or 2, sign up and go! The goal here is to get exposure and join with guys that you have things in common with. This takes the pressure off from meeting a man while you are having fun!

Don’t join yoga unless you are asking women out.

Adventures with strangers make asking guys out so much easier!

After a couple of white water trips, for example, it’s a hell of a lot easier to look at the guy who paddled you down the river and say, “Jim, you saved my life from those class 5 rapids, let me take you out for a cocktail Saturday!”

Notice you are telling him and not really asking. This shows confidence!

If he says yes, then you are golden, if he says no, then pat yourself on your shoulder and paddle away.

#2: Use a corny pickup line

Guess what? Pick up lines suck if you’re a guy using them on a woman.

But, they work the bomb directed to guys from women! Why? Because we are a bunch of barely grown up third graders and crappy pickup lines were a part of our heritage. I still laugh at them with my friends.

So when you use them towards a man you are tickling his funny bone and that’s a good thing!

Here are a few:

Do you have a sunburn, or are you always this hot?

I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.

I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by YOU.

OK I cheated and stole these here – https://www.pickuplinesgalore.com/cheesy.html?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss

Your goal is to get him laughing. You don’t even need to be smooth. If you mess up the punch line that’s even better!

How to Ask a Guy Out Tip #3: Study comedy and use it towards strangers

Getting him to laugh makes it easy to ask him out!

The best way to get to know someone is to make them laugh. I was gifted with funniness, (is that a word?) so I was lucky, but some women have nothing.

Change this by going to comedy shows and listening to comedians. Steal a few lines. Watch their deliveries. Practice on your friends. It works.

I have ten or so lines that I still use today and they are the perfect way break the ice so you can ask a guy out.

For example, when I go to my place in Delray Beach, I always eat at the same sushi bar. There are a lot of other people sitting next to me. I poke my raw tuna with my chopsticks and say in a loud voice, “A skilled veterinarian could bring this tuna back to life”

Is it stupid? Yes. Is it funny? Hell yea! Everyone laughs. A steak restaurant works too.

The sillier the better when it comes to lines. I was with a group of women in LA and one wanted to meet this guy. I told her to grab the guys little drink umbrella and put it in her hair, smile, say her friends challenged her to do it, and offer to buy him another drink.

He laughed his ass off and bought her a drink. It works.

I swear the more you act like a little kid, the more a man is drawn to you. If he’s not, then you never wanted to meet him in the first place!

How to Ask a Guy Out Tip #4: Walk up, hand him your phone number and leave

This tip comes with options!

Really? Yep. How much easier does it get? It even meets my act like a little kid requirement.

This tactic comes with many variations which is nice too:

You could strut back to your friends and see if he approaches
Tease him and say, “This is your lucky day my friend – I never come on the market” and leave.
You could say this line, grab his little umbrella and stick it in your hair and then walk back over to your friends!

The skies the limit.

#5: Have your friend approach him

Have your friends approach him for you!

I do this with my guy friends and it works great! Especially with John, my shy buddy. Have your friend walk over to a guy you like, grab his hand, and say, “my friend wants to meet you, she’s a bit shy so I am taking you to her.”

Perfect! Start talking, get to know each other and then ask him out like this:

Jim, we are all going to the wine tasting next Friday at the Seaport area in Boston. Are you busy? Grab some of your friends or come as my date and let’s crush some grapes! Here’s my number – bye!”

Then make a nice smooth exit. Now go somewhere else and rinse and repeat.

Like anything, it’s a numbers game. The more exposure you get the more potential dates you will get and the less you will care about any one of them.

Also, the more guys you talk to the more relaxed you will be asking guys out. This is called desensitization and its one of your tools in my confidence course book, Comfortable in Your Own Shoes.

Get it for the price of a cup of coffee – it may change your life.

How to get a guy to ask you out | 5 Sneaky Ways

So we covered how to ask a guy out but what if you are too shy? Are there ways to get the guy to ask you out instead?

There sure are!

Tip #1: Put your friend to work

Arrange for your potential suitor to join you and your friends (and his) for a get together. No pressure just request to get everyone together for the wine tasting on Friday night.

Then, when you are sipping wine together, have your extroverted friend walk up and say, “you two would make a great couple – Jim, ask her out will you?”

This might create an embarrassing moment but who cares! You didn’t create it.  And he just might ask you out on the spot or at least think about it in the future.

How to Get a Guy to Ask You Out Tip #2: Ask him for a favor

Ask him for a ride and get one on one time!

Guys love to fix things and help women. It makes us feel good to get our egos stroked. Look for a situation where you can use this to your advantage. If he has a truck you could ask him to move some furniture for you.

Or

Ask him to give you a ride somewhere that you know he is headed. This puts you in a one on one situation that could make him see you as a potential couple. Then, you can thank him by inviting him to join you for lunch or a cup of coffee.

Tip #3: Flirt using body language

Few women know how to effectively use body language. In my book Night Moves, I cover this in detail. You can get a guy to ask you out by giving him a huge dose of attention. Smile. Lock eyes with him for longer than you would normally.

Compliment him in front of his friends and yours. This will naturally draw him to you. Touch him too, by putting your hand on his shoulder.

One key tip: Gauge your attention towrds him. Don’t be too aggressive or he will be turned off. Go “in and out” with your compliments, touching and smiles. This will pique his curiosity! He won’t know if you like him or you don’t and that’s what you want!

Now, he will only concentrate on you and no other women. Clever as a fox!

Tip #4: Find his passion and get him to talk about it

Find his passion and talk to him about it!

If he loves surfing then ask him about it. Even better, learn about it and try it! When you share a guy’s passion, he starts to equate you with his love for his passion – in other words, you increase the chances of him wanting you in his life!

Now, when he mentions going surfing, you say “bring me, bring me!” as only a woman can say in her wonderful je ne sais quoi way.

Brilliant!

If you start asking me about writing books for women – you can damn well bet that I will give you my undivided attention.

How to Get a Guy to Ask You Out Tip #5: Ask him what he is doing this weekend – then tell a white lie!

This works well. Ask the guy what his plans are for the holiday weekend. When he tells you, tell him that you and your friend are going there too!

OK, you’re not but now you are. Then tell your friend that she is going whether she likes it or not and then buy her lunch.

When he sees you, this puts you in a great situation for him to ask you out in the future. It’s almost like you are having a first date without ever asking him out.

How to Ask  Guy Out Conclusion | Do not fear failure!

Never fear failure!

Do you know who fails more than anyone?

Yours truly!

I fail because I take risks to find out what works. I live outside my comfort zone. You see, you can’t succeed if you don’t fail. Do you think Thomas Edison got the lightbulb right on the first try? Nope. It took him over 1000 times!

Look at failure as the road to success, not as a judgement on you.

The real failures are the ones that complain how terrible their lives are and do nothing about it.

You are not that person! You are the women who is now procative in getting guys to the date.

So there you have it, my 5 sure-fire ways on How to Ask a Guy Out and my 5 ways on How to Get a Guy to Ask You Out.

The post How to Ask a Guy Out | 5 Sure Fire Ways to Get a Yes! appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.