Gregg Michaelsen's Blog, page 12
March 17, 2019
I Hate Being Single! Let Me Help You Change That
Guess what? Your mirror called and is telling you to get a boyfriend.
Right? Your mirror, your mom, your friends and even your cat thinks you are a broken woman with little to offer. Nonsense!
What if I were to tell you that I get on average 35 emails per day from women that are supposedly ‘living the dream’ in a relationship.
When has your mirror ever been right?
These are your counterparts describing to me the cheating, the lying, the custody battles and the emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse over and over again.
Does that make you feel, maybe, just a little bit better about your current situation?
You see too many of these women got into a relationship too soon and/or for all the wrong reasons.
I crave the emails from you – The Single Woman – who wants support and information to help you be happy with or without a man.
Ironically, you are in a much better position to find a great guy because you are taking the time to discover yourself, what you desire and understand the male mind before you jump in the pool.
Bravo to you I say!
Now let’s delve into why “I hate being single” is advantageous. Plenty of blogs regurgitate the same obvious reasons – let’s discuss some of the more fun reasons.
Go ahead – use it all up
Use up all the hot water
Yep. That gas water heater thingy that you have heard about in the basement need not be rationed for some irritating jerk that farts on the couch. Every drop of H2O is yours! Use it until it’s gone…then, wait the 20 minutes, and take another bath this time with candles.
You can watch re-runs of the Bachelor
Right? No boyfriend is going to put up with that shit! That clicker is going to come out of your hands so quick and go to the ballgame so fast you won’t even see the proposal!
That bed is all yours
Make the bed in the morning or not. Wash the sheets or not. Reverse your body so your feet are on your pillow. Fart and then laugh as your cat appears perplexed. Flip around like a seal until you’re too tired to flip anymore – the bed is yours to what you want to do with it and it’s great!
How to be Okay with Being Single
Go ahead be picky
He is too short. His teeth are a mess. Is he wearing cowboy boots? Isn’t he a little bit egotistical? His breathe stinks. Why did he text that? Why didn’t he text me back? Blah, blah, blah. These things don’t matter because, in your head, you already have the perfect guy – who needs a real one?
How Sweet
You can drive a 2-seater
No kids, no husband means that you don’t need a 40K minivan – you can drive around in a Mustang convertible. In fact, you can buy a motorcycle too because your non-existent husband doesn’t need the second parking spot.
Spend forever on your hair and makeup!
Do I sound bitter as a male? Maybe I am. But, hey, my bitterness is your gain if you are single. You can take an ice age to do your hair and then take another one to do your makeup. If you get it wrong? Stay in!
7 more and you will be complete!
You can own several cats (or dogs)
I’m sorry but that cat lady we hear so much about is to be admired in my book. I love cats! If my condo association would allow me, I would have 10 Maine coon cats. I could care less what others think of me – I want 10 cats.
There will be no arguing
Cats don’t argue. A Dog won’t challenge you on the pairs of shoes you own – in fact Fido will enjoy carrying them around your apartment.
You get sleep
I am coaching a couple that is on the brink of breakup due to snoring. This might not sound like much, but can you imagine night after night being woken up 10, maybe 20 times because your boyfriend or husband is howling like a wolf?
All Mine!
Your food is all yours
Deep down didn’t you hate when your ex stole half your fries? I know you did. You didn’t show it, but the contempt was there, building, like an earthquake on the San Andrea’s fault line.
I Hate Being Single!
You can be as selfish as you desire
Go ahead it’s OK. Put yourself first every morning, every afternoon, and while you’re at it, at nighttime too! He will steal most of this time soon enough so “hate being single” while you can.
You save on the wedding
I cringe every time I go to a wedding. I think of the cost of the thing. Last fall I was at a one with 250 people in Laguna Beach. I barely knew the couple. Why was I even there? I’m eating their shrimp, lobster and prime rib. That wedding had to cost 100K for which they will be paying off their whole life.
Elope for God’s sake!
I digress…
Travel at will
Screw the planning and the arguing of where you are going to go on vacation and just go! You got the money and the time. Just be careful not to fall for a foreigner with an Italian accent that will want to make you his wife – don’t go for it or this blog will suck for you [image error]
March 2, 2019
The 7 Reasons Why Men Come Back Months Later
You and your boyfriend breakup, and he doesn’t care about you until months later, after you stopped caring about him. Curious isn’t it? Men come back like a flock of sheep to grass. There are several reasons for this and I’ve got seven of them for you today!
First, let’s look at why he probably left, then follow up with the seven reasons why men come back months later.
Why He Left: The Challenge Evaporates
Nothing worth having comes without a fight. You’ve heard this phrase before, and oh does it apply to men! The challenge was lost the day you moved in and went exclusive. The key is to keep the challenge going while you are together.
Stay crazy. Break your routine. Stay true to your friends. Keep your hobbies, join in his, but never make him your hobby. This is the stuff that keeps a man on his toes.
Quite often I interview 65-80-year-old couples. I ask them what their secret is. The man almost always says, “I felt like I never caught her – I still haven’t!” The woman just smiles as she sits next to him…she knows the secret!
The 7 Reasons: The Grass Wasn’t Greener after All
Sorry, but the grass is rarely greener!
While you were apart, he partied like a rock star and he got bored. Big surprise. Then, he realized other women didn’t except his flaws like you did. Staying apart from you means he needs to lose the weight, make more of his own money and start treating people with more respect.
He thinks this seems like a lot of work. He realizes there is an easier way, and that is to get back with you.
Why Men Come Back Months Later | He’s Testing the Waters
Your ex wants to be single, but he doesn’t want you to be single. If things don’t work out in his singles life, you are his fall back choice. Never allow this to happen! If he comes waltzing back, he needs a real plan accompanied by real action before you take him back, and that’s assuming you are still single.
He wants to get Laid
You made him feel like he was the greatest guy out there, so he thought every other woman would think the same. He was dead wrong. And now, he’s having a hard time just getting sex. He figures you will still want to have sex with him, if he just makes a little effort, so sure enough, months later, he’s texting you again.
Memories
Memories bring Men Home
Memories are tough, that’s why I tell women to build as many powerful, fun memories as possible with the man they are with. I call them pennies in the jar. Men come back months later when they experience something that reminds them of you – even if they are with a new person.
I talk to older couples and they say, time after time, they stayed together because they had so many wonderful memories together that no other person could replace. With your next boyfriend, I recommend you do the same.
The Pressure from Friends and Family
Beta men listen to the important people in their lives because they trust them. When their friends and family start piling on the reasons why they should have never left their ex, it begins to sink in.
They listen and start thinking about the other reasons: the memories, the sex, and the unconditional love they used to receive. Soon, they want to come home.
Why Men Come Back Months Later | He is Ready
He is finally ready
A few guys genuinely need a break to think about things. This is not a bad thing. Many have issues they need to fix. I know because I was one of those guys. I couldn’t love because I saw my parents fall apart in front of me; I was bitter and confused. I got help.
A healthy male comes back when he realizes that he would prefer being with you than being single and hanging out with his friends. That, my friend, can happen in a New York minute if you have done the work and become a confident woman.
You are a Challenge Again!
I saved the best for last because this is Mt Everest of reasons why men come back months later. When I coach women, I suggest they lose the weight, build a vibrant social life, and have fun. What does this do? It builds confidence and makes a woman interesting and attractive because she is happy and has stories to tell and she looks great!
Do you take him back? Hell no! You laugh in his face and flaunt your new guy in his presence. Am I being vindictive? Yeah, maybe.
There you have it – Why Men Come Back Months Later!
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The post The 7 Reasons Why Men Come Back Months Later appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.
February 16, 2019
Riding Solo – Embrace Being Single!
My next book is for all the single women out there who are having a hard time enjoying being single. You might be single mom dating or a woman fresh out of college, if so, my new book Riding Solo can help you.
Inside you’ll find issues addressed that you have emailed me about. Issues like rumination and the lack of single quality men. I’m going to talk about what is going on in your mind and how to change some of the beliefs that are causing you to hate being single.
Build Yourself and He Will Come will be a constant theme that I will be hammering home!
Men are attracted to happy, confident women not women who rely on their confidence based on a man. It’s like putting the cart before the horse – don’t do it!
You may find yourself now wanting to pursue a relationship, but you have these types of thoughts banging around in your head:
All of the good guys are already taken
Men my age date much younger women
I’m too out of practice to make a good girlfriend or wife
I’m too independent to be in a relationship
While these may seem like valid thoughts, they are railroading your desire to be in a relationship. These inner thoughts are sabotaging your efforts. They all qualify as negative self-talk and they all hinder what you think is your goal of having a great relationship.
Not only that, these thoughts are ideas you’ve conjured up in your mind. They are not true but, you’ve come to believe they’re true. These are called self-limiting beliefs. You will be learning how to get rid of those very soon!
Everyone tells you to enjoy being single – embrace it. Grow. Don’t you hate hearing that!
How to Enjoy Being Single
Remember that trip to Greece you wanted to take? How about those violin lessons you never finished? As we speak, people are lying on their death beds wishing they lived their lives differently. They’re regretting chances they didn’t take.
In order to accomplish these things, you might want to consider suspending the endless pursuit of just any man and take a break! Make this the season of you. The year of you. There are plenty of new opportunities in the future to become one with another person, but that time is not now.
You have work to do.
You are capable of more than you realize. You just got sidetracked along the way by life. Maybe it was your lack of financial stability that delayed your dreams or maybe you didn’t want to date when your children were young. It doesn’t matter.
For now, you are single and you have no excuses. Still, your default thought process says you must get into a relationship or you’re a failure. That thought process isn’t getting you anywhere! I know because I was single for most of my life and it was the best thing that happened to me!
Change is in the air…
Look for Riding Solo in early 2019!
The post Riding Solo – Embrace Being Single! appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.
February 1, 2019
Just How Many Dates Before Sex Should a Woman Have?
First Date Sex? My thoughts are evolving on this subject as I listen to my readers and hear what is actually happening on Saturday nights.
My initial advice has always been to only have sex after a man has proven his worth through a series of tests that you put him through – without his knowledge of course.
Right now, I want to ‘tweak’ my advice to fit what I am hearing more and more – people want instant gratification and they don’t want to wait for it.
In other words, they want sex now!
I get it.
Younger people are having sex on the first or second date. Older women might have gone years in a sexless marriage and want their sexual desires satisfied now – not when the two of you decide to be exclusive.
Time after time, I get the email saying, Gregg I f****d up – I slept with him too soon now what?
Having sex on the first or second date can lead to some awkward moments. You know, like getting up in the morning, hungover, and wanting to get the heck out of there. And then wandering if he will treat you with respect for having sex so soon.
So what if you could change your mindset? What if you could go into the date thinking,
Hey, what happens will happen. If I feel comfortable enough and want to have sex with this guy, I’m going to go for it and have no regrets. I’m not going to let myself get attached. I am going to treat this like I just got what I wanted!
That’s a bold, new way of treating the age-old question of – how many dates before sex should I have?
It’s how you react to him after you have sex that matters
This is where it gets good! Now you can use all my best tactics to lure him in.
How?
You treat him like you are the ‘player guy.’ Get out of bed and go home without cuddling. If he is at your apartment, kick him the heck out!
Yes, you heard me right.
Grab his number and don’t call him. When he texts, and he will I bet, get back to him on your own sweet time. Then, when he plans a date, postpone it, and then set it up at your convenience.
Basically, do the opposite of what you want to do – assuming you like him.
What? Why? You’ve been drinking Gregg!
No. this is brilliant actually. You lost some of your power by sleeping with him so soon and this is how you gain it back. You show him that you were the one who got what you wanted.
This puts his precious ego in a tail spin because he just got introduced to your two, little, friends:
Challenge and Mystery!
This was taken away after having sex – now he knows that he must work hard to get you back in the sack. And even harder if he wants to be your girlfriend. He is quickly learning that he didn’t win anything that night – there is no follow-up to the evening reminding him how awesome he was.
Nope. Just the sound of crickets. Chirp. Chirp.
Put an expiration date on him like milk in the frig
First Date Sex? Go for it if you have the confidence!
You did great! You have lured him in, and you are dating on a regular basis because you are gauging his interest in you and reciprocating the same amount (or less) interest towards him.
And it’s working.
Now, set the time when he needs to step up his game and become exclusive with you. This maybe two months or four months – you set the rule. At that time, you challenge him to crap or get off the pot or you will need to move on.
This ultimatum works because you are coming from a position of power that you earned through your earlier moves. You are never whining and begging for him to marry you. Nope. It’s not necessary.
Wrapping Up | How Many Dates Before Sex?
If you have the confidence to pull first date sex off then forget the old rules and do it. Decide what is best for you. Care less how he will feel towards you. Have fallback guys in case this guy reveals himself as a total player.
Keep your emotions in check by realizing it was you who got what you wanted and not just him.
The key here is to prove, afterward having sex, that your time is valuable, and he is not – at least not yet anyway.
Now, you can go back to the old rules and do your screening while you set a time limit on his butt!
For more great tips on having first date sex go here!
You’re my motivation!
The post Just How Many Dates Before Sex Should a Woman Have? appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.
January 17, 2019
Should My Boyfriend Have Female Friends?
It’s the age-old question, should my boyfriend have female friends? If you’re old enough, perhaps you think Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan settled this in their blockbuster rom com of 1989, When Harry Met Sally.
So who got it right?
The real question at play is this: can a man and a woman be friends without an undercurrent of romance?
Crystal’s character says no – always an undercurrent of romance. Ryan’s character says men and women can be friends without romance. Let’s find out who’s right…
As with anything else, the answer to this question depends on who you ask in a scientific study. While the movies have pursued this more than social science has, still, we have a little bit of data we can examine to find an answer for you.
I often say that I make no apologies for my gender and this is no exception. As it turns out, according to a study conducted at the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, men firmly believe that any woman they know is attracted to them.
The study, which included 88 pairs of male-female friends (only) subjects, shows that the men studied felt the level of attraction their female friends had was much greater than it truly was. Additionally, the men in the study showed a higher level of sexual attraction to their female friends than the females felt toward the men.
Does he like these women or are they just friends?
The women in the study less frequently indicated that they were sexually attracted to their male friends – a real disappointment to the men if they knew, I’m sure!
Should My Boyfriend Have Female Friends?
To answer the question fully, however, we need to add another element to the mix. Your own confidence – and perhaps his. Confidence plays a big role in jealousy and if you’re asking this question, it’s probably because of jealousy.
People who are jealous generally lack confidence. Science tells us that jealousy is related to:
Low self-esteem
Moodiness, anxiety and emotional instability
Feeling inadequate in the relationship – you’re not good enough for this guy
Codependent relationships – one or both of you rely on the other too much for emotional support – your mood hinges on his, if he’s away from you too much you melt down, etc.
A tendency toward the feeling that your relationship partner will leave you or won’t love you enough
So, this brings us back to the original question: should my boyfriend have female friends? The answer is a little more complicated than yes or no.
Science tells us that if your boyfriend has female friends, he might overestimate how much his female friend is attracted to him. This could be an ego boost for him, indicating he may be lacking some confidence of his own. He has some need to see how many women he can find who will like him.
On the other hand, not all men feel this way. After all, nothing is 100%. Your guy could genuinely feel no attraction to his female friend. He may really just want to be friends with her.
The study explored reasons the men gave for wanting female friends. They go something like this, they want:
A female perspective on the mind of their girlfriend – an interpreter of sorts – someone who speaks female
Someone to seek out when they need advice
Someone who can provide them with emotional support
Someone with whom they can easily discuss their emotions
Someone with whom they have shared experiences
The possibility of romance
There were other reasons, but these are the highest ranking. With older men, having someone to pal around with was also high ranking as was having someone to have fun with.
Some of the men’s reasons for wanting a gal pal aren’t so bad. They want to understand you better and they want someone other than their girlfriend or wife to go to for emotional support.
That one is big because men don’t navigate their emotions like women do. The fact that men want someone with whom they can be free emotionally isn’t a surprise. Men aren’t usually raised to show emotions so it’s new territory.
A guy in a new relationship might not want to jeopardize his standing with you by showing you his emotions. He might not yet be sure that you’ll respond in a way which will make him feel understood and not judged.
As time passes, if you show him you’ll accept his show of emotion without trying to fix it or judge him, he will share these things with you.
So here’s the ultimate (non) answer to your question: it depends on you and your guy.
Do men ever just want to be friends with a woman?
If you are both very confident individuals, he may have very innocent reasons for wanting a female friend. They may have been friends since they were both in diapers. They may have suffered a tragedy together or experienced something huge together. Their history might make them uniquely bonded, but not romantically.
Also, if you recall the data I cited earlier, the odds of the female friend feeling the same sexual attraction to your guy as he feels toward her is somewhat low. She’s much less likely to think of him as a potential boyfriend.
If, however, one or both of you are lacking confidence, this isn’t going to work. Your jealousy will make you distrust him. His lack of confidence means he likes the feeling of more than one woman being attracted to him.
A female friend for a man can be very comforting and can give him the decoding he needs from time to time. If you respond to something he says or does in a way which confuses him, he has a gal pal to go to for interpretation.
Chances are, he is clueless as to what he did or said but a female friend can bop him on the head and say, “You bozo, she wanted you to tell her those shoes were great. She didn’t want to hear, ‘uhhh I guess they’re okay’.”
He can do a mental head-slap and come back to you, apologetic and in a better position to understand what he did to tick you off and why. He’ll even know how to fix it.
You have to know and understand your level of confidence and that of your boyfriend. Here’s a hint – if your confidence is low, his is likely also low. Quality, confident men don’t go for women with low confidence and self-esteem.
Pennies in the Jar: How to Keep a Man for Life
Build an impenetrable wall around your relationship by learning how to keep a man for life by putting pennies in the jar. When you know how to accomplish this, he will never leave you!
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With over 250K books sold, Gregg Michaelsen dominates the dating advice world by offering easy-to-follow, game-changing advice. Just read the reviews above!
The post Should My Boyfriend Have Female Friends? appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.
January 6, 2019
Am I Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities? 8 Tips to Stop
Am I pushing him away with my insecurities? You met your ultimate Mr. Right. All of a sudden, he’s all you can think about. Day in and day out, your mind is on your new guy and how great he is. You spend way too much time wondering if he feels the same way about you.
This translates into multiple texts, emails and phone calls a day. You are fixated on him but what happens? He pulls back! This is crazy! He showed all sorts of signs that he felt something for you. Why is he now retreating?
Upon his retreat, you text more. You try harder to keep him by cooking his favorite meals and inviting him for dinner, buying his favorite beer or suggesting you hang out at his favorite place. He might show up occasionally, but you can feel his detachment.
So you try harder.
The next thing you know, he rarely answers your texts and you don’t see him. He’s gone rogue in a big way.
You’re left wondering what happened. Did he find another woman? Did you do something to push him away? What’s going on?
Okay so here’s what’s going on. You began to fixate on him. First because you liked him so much.
Yeah, he noticed.
Then, you began to fixate on him more and more. It’s like one of those balance scales – the more you fixated on him, the more he retreated until – POOF – he was gone.
Let’s dig a little deeper and see if we can uncover what happened.
Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities | Your mind got the better of you
I’ve got a better plan!
Our minds are masters at playing tricks on us. Your conscious mind is operating on past history. In the past, when a man has begun to get distant, he eventually leaves. That’s what your mind knows.
When you meet a new guy and things are all hot and heavy, your mind says, “Hey, this is looking good so I’ll proceed as before.”
You’re feeling those squishy feelings of love early on – probably too early. You’re totally hot for this guy and every minute spent with him, either by text, phone or Skype, is like gold.
Unfortunately, your history is that guys leave – or else why would you be dating a new guy? Okay so your mind says, “Eventually, this guy will leave too”.
You begin to obsess
Now, you begin to obsess. You don’t want this guy to leave! You want him to stay! He’s awesome!! What can you do to get him to stay with you?
You’re thinking about this all of the time. You text him all the time with stuff he doesn’t want to read like “Hey what’cha doin?” or “What’s up?”.
When he doesn’t reply, your mind kicks in again with something like, “He’s gonna leave. They all leave” and your obsession gets a little more intense.
He pulls away
The problem you can’t see because you’re right in the middle of it is that the more obsessing you do, the less he responds to you. Still, he will root for you for a while. He’ll give you hope and say things like “No, everything is fine, I’m just super busy at work” when you ask about his absence.
Things aren’t fine. He isn’t super busy. He’s probably dating someone else or at least thinking about it.
Why?
He doesn’t want to be your hobby. He doesn’t want you doting on him. He doesn’t want to answer 30 texts from you a day, especially “What’s up?” texts.
It’s a vicious circle
So he’s pulling back. You’re ramping up your texts. You’re furiously trying to pull him back in but the truth is that all of your efforts to win him back are actually proving to him why he needs to get out.
At some point, sooner than later, you get the email/text/phone call that says, “I need some space” or “I think we should see other people”. That sort of thing.
And here we are. Back at the beginning. You’re frustrated, angry, disappointed and upset because you don’t know what happened.
Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities | It’s a confidence thing
A confident woman doesn’t spend one iota of time worrying about whether or not a guy is into her. Nope. No siree. A confident woman knows that any guy she dates is a guy she has carefully chosen to be part of her life. HE is lucky to be dating her!
When your insecurities get the better of you, it’s because your dating confidence is too low. You don’t believe a guy could ever want to be with you for an extended period of time and when one does show interest, it’s almost too hard to believe.
You double down your efforts to keep him but those efforts are transparent and he can immediately see your lack of confidence. He might not identify it in that way and most guys won’t tell you that’s why they’re breaking up with you but he knows.
What can you do to change?
Let’s do this!
While this relationship is probably lost, there is time to work on yourself before meeting another guy.
1) Take a small dating break
While you fix things, it’s best not to enter the dating world. You’re in a good place to work things through and having a new guy in your life won’t provide you with the personal clarity you need to do this the right way.
The dating break should last as long as it takes for you to believe that you deserve a good guy, that you’re the chooser, not grateful to be chosen and that you are one heck of a great catch for some lucky guy! Until then, do the work.
2) Change your inner game
The first thing you need to do is work on your inner game or your inner voice. All of those breakups from the past have left you in a bad place. Your mind processes the same inputs and spews out the responses it has stored from history.
When you build your confidence, you reprogram some of those responses. “I’m not good enough for him” or “He’s going to leave eventually” become “Any guy would be lucky to have me” and “If he’s lucky, I’ll keep him around for a while”.
In my book, Comfortable in Your Own Shoes, I help you move through improving your inner game and other steps you need to become a confident woman.
3) Work on your confidence
Changing your inner game is part of what you need to do to boost your confidence but you also need to do some other things like face some fears and set some boundaries.
Facing fears takes bravery and this builds confidence. If you fear spiders, at least look at some through the glass at the zoo. If you fear heights, go stand at the railing of the upper level at the mall. Do whatever it takes to knock those fears out of the park!
Setting boundaries is crucial to confidence because it helps you take a stand and stops you from being a doormat. If someone tries to cross a boundary like no sex on the first date, he’s gone. If you have a boundary that your date will pick you up on time and he continually blows it by showing up 30 minutes late, start driving yourself to dates and if he’s 30 minutes late, he finds an empty table.
Right now, you’re shaking your head – no no no I would never leave a date! Yes, you would if you had boundaries! Boundaries cause people to respect you. He will either be on time the next time or he will exit the relationship. Good riddance.
4) End the “it’s always me” thought pattern
I’m sorry to tell you this but his world doesn’t revolve around you.
No, I’m not calling you an egomaniac. What I’m saying is that your low confidence has you thinking that everything he does, positive or negative, is about you. He doesn’t want to come over and watch a rom-com with you? It’s because he doesn’t like you.
He doesn’t want to meet your parents on a Wednesday night? It’s because he isn’t serious about you.
Those are the false truths your mind has conjured up. Try to see the facts of a situation. He wasn’t in the mood for a rom-com. Or, he wanted to hang with his friends. Maybe, he was exhausted after a long work day and didn’t want to meet your parents when he wasn’t feeling 100%.
5) Unload old relationship baggage
Check your baggage at the door!
Men can sniff out a bitter woman from 100 paces. If you have old relationship baggage, you might come off as bitter. This isn’t productive if you want to begin a new relationship and have any chance at success.
If you find yourself saying stuff like “Men really suck” or “All men are liars”, you probably need a time out to unload that past hurt.
Carrying past hurt and anger is only causing pain to one person – you. You’re allowing someone to live rent-free in your head, to sabotage your thoughts and hold you hostage. You may need to seek professional help if the baggage is particularly heavy.
6) Alter your communication skills
Effective communication is key in any relationship. When you’re communicating with a potential or current boyfriend, it’s a big deal to get it right.
The problem with communication is that we usually come at something from our own side. When I was a boy, I needed new hockey skates. I demanded that my mother buy me some. This got me nowhere. Had I come at her from her point of view, I would have had new skates.
What I should have said was, “Hey Mom, if I help you around the house this weekend with some chores, could I get new hockey skates?” Now, I’m recognizing that she’s a busy woman and I’m offering to help her so she will help me.
You might not need new skates but you still need to keep this lesson in mind. It really deserves its own book (which I happen to have written already). In The Power to Communicate, you can read more about my skates and other stories from my life that focus on improving your communication.
7) Check your paranoia at the door
It’s important to allow your partner to earn your trust and vice versa. In order to do that, you need to avoid paranoid behaviors which can cause that trust to deteriorate.
If you don’t trust him but there is no basis for your distrust (he hasn’t cheated, etc.), it’s probably you who has the issue. Trust issues are common so don’t feel like you’re different. The important thing is to be real with what you believe, trust him until he proves to you he can’t be trusted and keep your eyes wide open so you don’t trust someone you shouldn’t.
Snooping through his phone or email is not trustful. Sneaking around town, looking to see if he’s where he said he would be is not trustful. If you find he’s cheating on you or lying to you, dump him. He doesn’t deserve you. Otherwise, trust him and grow that trust into a beautiful relationship.
8) Become an independent woman
This one is HUGE. Co-dependent relationships NEVER work. Let me say that again. Co-dependent relationships never work. I recently spoke to a 17-year old girl whose parents have been divorced for several years. While her mother has her act together, her dad is another story.
She stated to me that when her dad and his new wife (who is 12 years younger) are apart from one another for more than 24 hours, they come undone. She asked me why. I told her that they were co-dependent. She said, “Yeah, I don’t want to be like that!”
I affirmed her belief and told her how she could stay an independent young lady. Her mother is a great example, which I pointed out to her. I told her to be strong, to be financially stable and to be sure of herself. She also told me she doesn’t want to date and is really just enjoying her life as it is right now. This tells me she’s on the right track.
Am I Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities?
Concluding thoughts
If you are insecure, you will chase men off. The only men you won’t chase off are insecure men. This leads you down the path to a co-dependent relationship. In order to be one-half of a successful relationship, build your confidence, believe you’re worthy of a quality man and have self-esteem. You need to be independent, strong, financially stable and heavy baggage-free.
This is all possible! I know you can do it! Now, get going!!
The post Am I Pushing Him Away With My Insecurities? 8 Tips to Stop appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.
December 16, 2018
December 15, 2018
Dating an Older Man – The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Ready to date an older man? Starting to realize that your age males are immature? Tired of dates consisting of an all meat pizza and a movie?
I’ve been there so I can tell you exactly what to expect.
First off, generally speaking older men are more mature. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t plenty of immature older men out there because there are! And it isn’t a good look or experience so don’t date an older guy who is in the middle of a mid-life melt down.
That means if he just purchased a yellow corvette – run!
The Pros of Dating an Older Man – Experience and Wisdom
No jeans around his thighs for this guy!
Yep, he’s got a lot of this. He’s slept with other women so he knows how to please. He’s been to Italy so he can share his thoughts and, oh yeah, he loves cultural experiences so he can take you to Blue Man Group followed by dinner!
Hooray!
Jealousy Be Gone
Your older guy has been threatened by other men and he has stood his ground and won. He knows how to defend his turf without punching a man who ogles at you in the teeth. That was the old him and he has left the stage.
I was never like that…OK I’m lying [image error]
November 16, 2018
Choosing Between Two Guys in 6 Easy Steps
If you’re reading this post today, I take my hat off to you. You have an interesting dilemma. You have two men who want to spend time with you – two men who may even love you. You’re faced with an intriguing problem – how to choose between two men.
Chances are, your relationships with these two guys are somewhat different. With one, there is probably a sense of comfort – perhaps normal. He’s always there for you and he makes you feel safe. The problem with this guy might be that there’s no heat.
Enter guy number two. The second guy, who is probably the second one to enter your life, provides the heat you feel is missing with guy number one. You love being with him. It’s exciting and fresh but, when push comes to shove, you don’t feel that sense of safety. Being with him doesn’t feel like home.
I know all I’ve done so far is confirm your problem so now, it’s time to learn how to choose between two men.
Step 1 | Cover the Basics when Choosing your Man
These questions will help you gain clarity:
Which guy is ready for your definition of a commitment?
Do your friends like him? Which more?
Does your family like him? Which more?
Does he respect you? Which one more?
How does each guy handle arguments?
Does your dog like him?
Have you uncovered any vices?
Do his friends think highly of each?
Do your morals and beliefs align for the most part?
Will politics be an issue with either? Religion?
Take away the sex – which would you prefer to be with?
Who has the better car and makes more money (Haha…shallow but why not throw it in [image error]
November 4, 2018
Lack of Sexual Tension in Your Relationship? Restore your Independence!
Sexual tension does not have to fade in a relationship. I’ve been studying the connection between love and sex. I see couples who love each other but have no desire to have sex anymore and it confuses me.
Being a street guy, I know challenge and mystery play a huge part in sexual desire. Take it away and, sexual desire might suffer.
Why?
Intimacy and sexual desire work in opposition to one another. It’s like a cruel joke. The closer we get and the more we know about one another, the faster mystery and challenge begin to die. Boredom sets in.
And yet isn’t the goal to get closer and gain intimacy with the person you love?
Balance Intimacy with Independence
Yes, but there should be a balance.
When two people start dating, their lives are separate – independent from one another. You naturally begin to wonder about him and your future together.
What does he do?
What’s his favorite ice cream?
How will he make love to me?
Will we get married and have kids?
These are the mysteries of the relationship. Mystery creates sexual tension and excitement. You crave being together more.
Intimacy comes from the great weekend hikes or the stay at the B&B where everything went wrong (but you still had a great time). It comes from date nights where you touch base and heading off to a winery for an impromptu weekend getaway.
Intimacy is great, but it breeds a type of boredom that can crush sexual desire. It’s full of activities you do together.
The very closeness that you work toward takes away the independence that breeds sexual desire.
How to Build Sexual Tension with a Man
Take John and Sally. They have been married for five years and the sex has fallen way off. Sally gave up her friends and hobbies to be with John. These were initially some of the mysteries about Sally that John loved.
He pushed her to start spending time with her friends and pursuing her hobbies again. Their intimacy was overwhelming for him and he craved the mystery that had disappeared.
Not understanding his motivations, Sally took this as rejection. She wanted to love John her way without thinking about or understanding any of his needs.
John needed space from Sally to bring back the desire that was originally created when they each lived their own independent parts of their lives.
It was an invitation, not a rebuff.
John didn’t fully understand the why either, but he knew it was better when they both had their independent and separate areas of their lives.
Separation creates a sense of insecurity that allows desire to flourish!
Let him wonder what you are up to
It’s good for a man to wonder in a healthy way what you are up to. It’s okay for him to see you leave dressed up to go out and hang out with your friends.
He will spend the evening wondering what you’re doing and anxiously awaiting your return!
This is a good way to create that sexual tension in a relationship.
When you seek to become one in your relationship, you kill sexual desire. It cannot exist when there is no independence for both partners.
It’s the separation – the mystery which keeps sexual desire for one another alive!
Use separation to change things up.
This doesn’t mean you’re suddenly gone every night. Maybe it’s once a week or every couple of weeks.
If you communicate with one another, you can find out if one or the other is feeling suffocated.
Suffocation occurs when independence has died and sexual desire is about to die along with it. When independence is used properly, intimacy and desire can co-exist.
Every individual should maintain a separate part of themselves, whether in or out of a relationship.
It’s not about keeping secrets or hiding your past. It’s about keeping part of yourself to yourself. This might be things you’re working on or fantasizing about.
Love wants to know all – desire needs mystery. When you strike the balance between the two, you have a healthy, happy relationship.
Keep the Sexual Tension Alive!
A great man isn’t hard to find or hard to keep if you know how to do it! In my first dating advice book, Who Holds The Cards Now, I help women diffuse potentially negative situations with techniques that work! Inside this book is what I call Kryptonite. Kryptonite consists of five powerful techniques you can begin using as soon as you read about them. 
This book contains tools to help you:
See an immediate, noticeable change in his behavior
Build his attraction for you – again
Get him to make more plans with you, less with his friends
Solve your relationship issues without whining, complaining or getting emotional
The post Lack of Sexual Tension in Your Relationship? Restore your Independence! appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.
