Justin Davis's Blog, page 8

Next: Pastoral Succession That Works

Over the past few years, we’ve been able to meet so many amazing thought leaders and world changers. It has been an honor for Trish and me to learn from great men and women that have a heart for God and His Church.

Three years ago, I met William Vanderbloemen at a conference and was blown away immediately by his vision and heart for the Church. William and his team at Vanderbloemen Search Group are changing the way churches find and hire staff.

As I’ve processed my own story, I’ve realized that no pastor owns a church or a church’s vision…they are simply a steward of what God has entrusted to them. God longs to use us, but we aren’t indispensable…all of us are replaceable.

That is why I love William and Warren Bird’s new book, NEXT: Pastoral Succession That Works. It is a message encouraging the church to think about succession. How can the church succeed long term through succession leadership?

I had the opportunity to do a video interview with William this week and was really challenged with some things he shared. You can check out the video below.

If you are a leader in ministry, this book is definitely worth the read. Buy a copy from Amazon today by clicking HERE.

It’s Not Rocket Science

When I got married, I just assumed that love would compensate for a lot. I loved Trish, so I could I could put our marriage on autopilot and be okay.

We love each other so date nights can be optional
We love each other so working 80 hours a week will be ok
We love each other so she knows how sorry I am for losing my temper
We love each other so not doing most of the things that caused us to want to be married in the first place will be fine

Most marriages don’t crash and burn all at once. Most count on their stated love for one another to compensate for a slow drift away from loving choices.

What we’ve learned is that most average marriages are only a few intentional choices away from becoming great.

The problem is that most of us don’t make intentional choices, we just have good intentions.

It’s not that we don’t have the desire for our marriage to change, it’s just we don’t make the commitment to the change we desire. 

Lasting change in our marriage starts with allowing God to change our hearts. Only you can choose that.

Here are a few small, intentional steps you can choose that will make a huge difference in your marriage.

Pray for your wife before you go to bed
Write a love note and put it somewhere your husband will find it
Go out on a date this Saturday without the kids
Pray for your husband and text him and tell him you’re praying for him
Don’t turn on the TV for an evening and just sit and talk
Buy her flowers for no particular reason
Initiate sexual intimacy with your husband
Say, “I love you” in writing, in speech and in text messages every day
Stop pointing out what your spouse does wrong tell them what you love about them

As you look at this list, it doesn’t qualify as rocket science. It seems pretty basic as you read it. Most of us have great intentions in doing this list…but great intentions won’t change your marriage.

My guess is your marriage isn’t that far away from greatness. It is only a few intentional choices away.

Good news: You can start today.

We Hope You Never Need Us

A few weeks ago our family finally had a quiet evening at home.  We were getting ready to eat when my cell phone rang. It was a familiar name on my caller ID. A pastor of a great and growing church was calling me.

I answered the phone and after saying hello there was a brief moment of silence on the other end.

“Hello,” I said, again.

Sobs. “Justin, I need to talk.” More sobs.

“Okay, what’s going on man, what can I do for you?”

“I’ve really messed up man. I’ve had an affair and I just told my wife.”

My heart broke. My eyes filled with tears as he began to recount for me the events that lead up to his confession.

Over the next few days we had more conversations and exchanged text messages.

He and his wife are going to do everything they can to reconcile. He and his church are done. He was asked to resign.

I wish this was the only conversation I’ve had with a pastor or youth pastor or campus pastor or small groups pastor confessing an affair. I wish this was a seldom occurrence. It’s not.

According to a survey in 2007  about 40% of pastors admitted to a physical or emotional affair.

40%.

At least 2-3 times per month Trish or I will get a text message, email or phone call asking our advice from a pastor or pastor’s wife on how to navigate an affair.

What we’ve learned over the past few years as we’ve worked with a few hundred pastors and their spouses navigating infidelity, is that the church they  served was cheated on too.

While there is a process for restoration with a husband and wife that has experienced infidelity, there aren’t many churches that are equipped or prepared to navigate this situation in a healthy way.

Because churches aren’t prepared or equipped they often react just like a wounded spouse in one of two ways:

1. Immediate termination or resignation.

Just like my friend’s church, many churches cut all ties. The ask for an immediate resignation. They prepare a statement that attempts to prevent collateral damage amongst church members and try to make the situation go away as quickly as possible. It is a divorce, a quick and quiet divorce. They may pay severance and counseling, but there is no attempt at restoration. He or she is done.

2. Grace at all costs. Grace and more grace.

This response is right in line with how some spouses respond to being cheated on: “It’s okay. He/she won’t do it again. They’re sorry.” They accept the pastor’s apology. They send he and his wife to counseling for at least six weeks. They give him a much needed vacation because he was overworking and that probably contributed to this issue. He doesn’t speak for a few weeks, but then everything is back to normal…and they don’t speak of it again.

Termination doesn’t equate to church restoration. Overlooking a sin won’t lead to church health and holiness. 

There has to be a better way. 

There is a better way…a more healthy way to navigate a situation that no church wants to deal with but many are forced to figure out. Trish and I have helped a few churches pick up the pieces after their pastor or youth pastor has sinned sexually.

Here is the biggest issue: The people that are forced into leadership in this situation are the same people that have been lied to, deceived and cheated on themselves. They are hurt and broken. Most of the time we don’t make wise long-term decisions when we are hurt and broken.

Over the past few months, God has laid a burden on our heart to help churches strategically and thoughtfully navigate infidelity amongst its leadership. We will help a church come up with a process of discovery, a plan of communication, a short term leadership strategy and long term process to heal. 

We hope your church will never need us.

But as we’ve watched so many churches struggle to recover from this, we had to formally offer this service to any church that needs it.

God is a God of redemption and restoration. He can use even the darkest of times in the life of a church to galvanize and grow them into something they’d never been otherwise.

If we can help you or your church in any way, please contact us.

Seasons of Change and Letting Go

Recently, Justin was sifting through photos and found this gem of our three young boys from one of our favorite vacations to date!

  The picture below is just four years later!

Countless pounds and inches have been added to our family (unfortunately not all of them by my boys, but that’s for another blog post).

I was so taken back at the contrast not only in the physical appearance of my boys but also how drastically different our seasons of life have changed. Four years ago no one was driving, or dating, or visiting colleges or had all their grown-up teeth. It was a sweet season full of rhythm and familiarity. Four years ago our family was “in the groove” and as a lover of rhythm and routine, this was one of my best seasons to date.

Four years later, as awesome as it has been to see my boys grow and mature, so much has changed. SO MUCH. Routine and rhythm have been replaced by lots of “firsts.” First time to drive a car; first time to go to prom; first time to visit a college. You wouldn’t expect to deal with so many firsts in the latter years of your kids growing up. The hardest part of all these “firsts” isn’t just the massive amounts of change that comes with it but knowing the purpose of it all is to eventually let go.

Let go of a season.

Let go of a period in time I will never get back.

Let go of being in charge of my children’s lives.

I wrote this post for Leading and Loving It…you can read the rest of it by clicking HERE 

More Than Words

The words we say have power. They have power to breath life into a relationship. Words have power to build up a marriage. They have power to inspire a child. They have the power to shape a soul. Words have power to destroy as well. They can wound a heart; they can damage a marriage; they can create hurt that lasts for years.

Words can build up and words can tear down. 

The words that we say to one another aren’t just a reflection of our behavior, they are a reflection of our heart. The words you say are in direct connection to the condition of your heart. There is no getting around it…sooner or later, your heart will overflow in the words you say and how you say them.

Jesus says it like this: A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart. Luke 6:45

As we start a new week, we have the opportunity to speak life into our relationships. We can restore a friendship with what we say. We can improve our marriage with the words we choose. We can redeem a broken relationship with a family member because we choose to allow the love of Christ to overflow into our words.

Here are five statements that will bring life to your relationships this week:

1. You matter to me. 

Who in your life needs to hear you say, “You matter to me?” Your kids? A co-worker? Your spouse? Those four words could breath life into a relationship.

2. I forgive you. 

There is nothing that hinders the growth of a relationship more than built up resentment. There is also nothing that restores intimacy more than grace that is given freely. Who do you need to forgive? Will you choose to do it this week?

3. I was wrong. 

Maybe what keeping a relationship broken is your unwillingness to admit you are wrong. You are clinging to your rights. You justify your choice, and the relationship is damaged simply because you won’t admit a mistake.

4. Thank you. 

Gratitude is an overflow of a heart that sees life as a gift. Entitlement and gratitude can’t live in the same heart. You can’t feel entitled to something and grateful for it at the same time. Who do you need to say thank you to in your life? Who have you taken for granted?

5. I believe in you. 

There may not be four more powerful words than, “I believe in you.” Those words have the power to shape the future of someone in your life. Who desperately needs to hear from you that you believe in them?

So much of our relationship hurts and dysfunction revolve around what we say or don’t say. The great thing is you can control that. You can choose to say life giving words this week. The question is…will you?

A Birthday Celebration

I hope you’ve had a great week and are preparing for a relaxing weekend. I’m especially excited about today because it’s my birthday.

I’m 41 years-old today. That hurts just typing it. Trish and I are going to go shopping today, then we’re having a birthday dinner with close friends tonight at P.F. Chang’s. (If you’ve read our book, you know why that place means so much to us.) It’s going to be a great weekend.

As I was thinking about my birthday, I couldn’t help but think about you and all the other people that are a part of our ministry.

Just this week we’ve received over 100 emails from people in need of marriage help or advice. From emotional disconnection with their spouse, to conflict resolution issues; from overcoming financial problems to overcoming infidelity, the problems were real and issues diverse.

We read every email and do our best to respond, but we can’t give the best of ourselves in a short email. As much as we want to help every marriage be extraordinary, we can’t invest in a person’s marriage on our blog or over email like we want to.

With that heart, I want to share my birthday weekend with you.

This weekend only, we are going to offer our six session marriage conference, The RefineUs Marriage Seminar for 25% off. This is a marriage conference we teach at several churches per year, but wanted to make it available to you.

When you buy this resource, you do invest in our ministry. But our hope is that the investment we make in return in your marriage lasts for years, even generations to come.

In order to get this special rate you need to use the code birthday at checkout.

To purchase The RefineUs Marriage Seminar CLICK HERE.

The 25% off only lasts till Sunday night, so make sure you take advantage of birthday weekend

P.S. To purchase The RefineUs Marriage Seminar CLICK HERE and use birthday as the discount code.

4 Reasons Marriages Struggle

We have the opportunity to travel and speak a lot about marriage. Most of our content doesn’t come from information we’ve read in books or gained in a classroom. The majority of it has been learned through failure and experience. The thing we’ve noticed as we’ve spoke to thousands of couples, is that none of us are alone.

There have been times, sometimes seasons of our marriage that it has been a flat out struggle. Every marriage will struggle. It is the nature of relationships.

Conversations are forced. Decisions are difficult. Synergy is missing. Arguments are frequent. Resentment is high. Intimacy is non-existent. Struggle moves from something we experience to something we learn to live with.

Here are four reasons marriages struggle:

1. Our commitment to change isn’t greater than our desire to change. 

Everyone wants to change. I have not met a person that didn’t indicate a desire to change. We all want to change. But when our commitment to change isn’t greater than our desire to change, we will stay the same. I want to lose weight. I’ve wanted to lose weight for five years. If losing weight was based on desire, I’d be at my high school weight…because I really, really want to. Losing weight is based on commitment, and my commitment hasn’t outweighed (pun intended) my desire, so my weight has gone up and down. If you want your marriage to change, you can’t just desire change, you have to be committed to it.

2. We want to be right more than we want to do what is right. 

Saturday night Trisha and I got into an argument about money. As we were arguing, my rationale and my position was clearly off base. I made no sense. But I was tired and I was not going to lose. My desire in that moment was to be right…I wasn’t backing down. So often in our marriage, we choose making our point or being right in an argument over doing what is right for our marriage: admitting being wrong; forgiving; asking for forgiveness. Our pride and our ego create more and more distance between us and our spouse. Maybe you are struggling because you always have to be right?

3.  When we are there, we aren’t really there. 

This one hurts as I type it. Maybe our marriage struggles because when we are with our spouse, we are really with our phone. Maybe our relationship with our kids is hurting right now because when we are home, we are really still at work. Being fully present when we have time with our family is the greatest gift we can give them. Turning off our phone in the evening. Eating dinner together. Going for a walk. Those are things that help when we are struggling.

4. We ask God to change our spouse more than we ask Him to change us. 

I know my marriage is struggling when I’m more concerned about what God needs to change in Trisha than I am in my own heart. When I begin to focus on all that is wrong with her; the things that get on my nerves; the things I wish God would change in her…I completely shut off the work that God longs to do in me. When I begin to pray for my Trisha and ask God to change me, there are times that He does change her. But He always changes my heart. He always answers that prayer. Maybe we are struggling in our marriage because we are really struggling in our relationship with God.

Struggle in any relationship is a given. Struggle doesn’t have be constant.

God longs for you to have an incredible marriage. An incredible marriage isn’t something that we drift into, it is something we choose.

11 Signs You’re Settling for an Ordinary Marriage

We talk a lot about having an ordinary marriage. None of us signed up for ordinary. We learn to settle for it over time. Here are a few indicators that you could be in an ordinary marriage.

1. You think that the absence of conflict equals the presence of intimacy.

2. You find yourself keeping certain details of conversations or events from your spouse.

3. You say you forgive but you are really resentful.

4. You care more about being right than being one with your spouse.

5. When you get dressed in the morning, you are hoping that certain person at work notices you.

6. You look for opportunities to run errands, do chores, or work late so you can spend less time at home.

7. You say you’re sorry but you never change.

8. Sexual intimacy is rarely offered or pursued.

9. You are more emotionally connected to another person than you are your spouse.

10. You can’t remember the last time you had a conversation of substance that wasn’t an argument.

11. You haven’t gone on a date with just your spouse in over three months.

This list doesn’t mean that you’re marriage is horrible. This list means that your marriage is drifting. You don’t avoid these things by accident. You choose to avoid this list. You make a decision every day to walk in the other direction of this list. We are here to help you avoid this list. You don’t have to walk alone.

We’re here. More importantly, God is here. He is fighting for you today. Fight for your marriage.

Desire Isn’t Our Problem

In December 2013, I set a goal to lose 40 pounds in 2014. (It was the third year in a row that I had set this goal, but don’t judge me.)

My goal seemed well thought out. It was measurable, it was attainable, and it had a timetable.

What I didn’t have was a plan.

I didn’t have a workout strategy or gym schedule. I didn’t have someone lined up to work out with. I had no meal plan or diet. I had great intentions, but no intentional plan to make my goal a reality.

Easter Sunday we had our picture taken as a family. I looked at that picture and realized I was heavier than I’d ever been. Despite my good intentions, I hadn’t lost a pound.

Within a week I came up with a weight loss plan and as of today, I’ve lost 36 of my 40-pound goal.

Most couples I know have great intentions of improving their marriage relationship. They want to communicate better with their spouse. They want to resolve conflict in a healthy way. They want to improve the sexual intimacy aspect of their relationship.

Desire isn’t the problem…we all desire to have a better marriage. Execution is where we lose our way.

We want to equip you to have not just a better marriage, but an extraordinary marriage.

Today is the last day to get The RefineUs Marriage Seminar for the introductory price.

In this 6-session marriage conference we’ll give you the tools to move beyond desire and actually pursue the marriage God has in mind. 

Click HERE for more info on The RefineUs Marriage Conference. 

 

How to Stay Married In A World Full of Divorce

Today’s guest post is from Emily T. Wierenga. Emily is an award-winning journalist, blogger, commissioned artist and columnist, as well as the author of five books including the memoir, Atlas Girl: Finding Home in the Last Place I Thought to Look (Baker Books). She lives in Alberta, Canada with her husband and two sons. For more info, please visit www.emilywierenga.com. Find her on Twitter or Facebook.

I’m downstairs by the wood-stove, the boys beside me, and Legos and toy cars strewn across the floor. A large chalkboard on the wall, and it’s minus 25 outside. “You better put some more wood on the fire,” Aiden says, pointing at the coals and I nod.

“Yes, we better keep Daddy’s fire going,” I say.

“You keep the promise anyway. That’s what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway.” ― John Green

“You see that?” Aiden says to Kasher, and they’ve got their legs tucked, there on the rug–a dance of flames on a cold winter’s day. “It keeps us nice and warm.”

He doesn’t just mean the fire. He means the way Daddy chops wood every day after school, fills up the old cracking blue tubs and hauls them in, me sweeping up the wood chips behind him,  how I stoke it hour after hour while Trent’s at school, how we keep the cast iron pot full of water on top so the air doesn’t get too dry.

And I’m giving to the coals begging them to spark — sometimes I add some newspaper or cardboard, because every marriage needs this.

 

via Elizabeth Gadd’s Photography

Every marriage needs some romance, to keep the love breathing, pulsing, to keep the house warm.

Divorce is a cold draft through the cracks of every home’s front door and we’re not just stoking a fire. We’re creating a safe place for the family, a place to hold them.

But it’s war friends.

And the shells, they’re scattered on the ground around our bed, and we’re wounded but we rise because the one shield that protects us all? Is grace.

There is nothing stronger than grace.

It’s the thing that finds you sitting on the kitchen tile in our pajamas crying  because you’ve just had a fight, the kind with wringing hands and rising voices and you’re jet-lagged and emotional, having been around the world in nine days and him at home with the boys.

It finds you sitting there and it smiles, gently, and extends its hands–this grace in the form of a farm-boy who read every single blog post while you were gone, who shared your videos with his class, who rose six times in one night to comfort your youngest son, who downloaded all of your favorite shows while you were away so you’d have something to watch when you got back.

This man who wrestles with your sons on the floor and reads them Winnie the Pooh and makes you cheesy nachos because you are too hungry to do anything but grab a plate.

There is no brighter light than a strong and vibrant marriage–and this doesn’t mean it isn’t messy or hard or that sometimes the feelings just aren’t there.

And it doesn’t mean you won’t ever be attracted to someone else.

But you refuse to follow those feelings. Instead, you lean into the promise. 

Marriage is a promise–one that you keep even when you don’t feel it–one that you believe in with your body and soul, one that you trust God to bless and strengthen and overflow you with love when 50 years seems like a very, very long time to be exclusive with someone.

But if you think about it–that person is being exclusive with you too. And what a gift: to know that he is sharing his body and his heart, only with you, forever. Is there a greater analogy to the commitment God has to his creation? The dying to self so that someone else can know they are accepted and loved?

We live in a cold world of divorce and temptation, but as one of my favorite movies–Family Man–says, “The fidelity bank and trust is a tough creditor. You make a deposit somewhere else and they close your account–forever.

My boys are seated by the woodstove, playing cars and I’m working on a manuscript. Soon Trent is walking in from a long day at school, and we’re all drawn to the hearth. To the smell of woodsmoke and the sound of love.

Marriage is the fire that family gathers around.

The key is to never let it go out.

 

I am excited to give away a copy of my newly-released memoir, today. Just leave a comment below to win. 

 

I’m also giving away a FREE e-book to anyone who orders Atlas Girl. Just order HERE, and send a receipt to: atlasgirlbookreceipt@gmail.com, and you’ll receive A House That God Built: 7 Essentials to Writing Inspirational Memoir – an absolutely FREE e-book co-authored by myself and editor/memoir teacher Mick Silva.

 

All proceeds from Atlas Girl are benefitting The Lulu Tree, a non-profit dedicated to preventing tomorrow’s orphans by equipping today’s mothers.