Justin Davis's Blog, page 2

If You Want to Grow Spiritually

Spiritual growth isn’t easy. Spiritual growth as a couple is even more difficult. My wife, Trisha and I have spent more than twenty years in ministry. We are supposed to be professionals at spiritual growth and discipleship. Despite our bible college education, spiritual growth in our marriage was a weakness for many years.

One of the reasons we struggled in this area is because we looked at spiritual disciplines as a box we needed to fit into rather than a relationship to be developed. Most of the time we felt guilt for not praying or not reading the bible or not journaling than we did intimacy with God or each other in our Christian journey.

A few years ago, we made some changes in our marriage that drastically increased the intimacy we feel with one another and the intimacy we experience in our relationship with God. Here are a few shifts we’ve made that have helped us.

First, we recognize the spiritual dynamic of marriage. Marriage is physical and marriage is emotional but more than anything else, marriage is spiritual. We often treat our spouse as our enemy and fail to recognize the spiritual enemy we have that is fighting against our marriage relationship. Treating one another as the enemy drastically stunted our spiritual growth as a couple. Now we assume the best of each other and fight the spiritual battle of marriage together.

When you recognize the spiritual aspect of marriage, you are more willing to pray with and for your spouse. Prayer is the most intimate aspect of our relationship with God. We get to share our heart with our Heavenly Father that cares about us and longs to hear from us. When you choose to share the intimacy of prayer with your spouse, an intimacy is birthed in your marriage that is rich and deep. Here is the key when it comes to prayer: pray what’s in your heart not what you think should be in your heart. Trying to be spiritual or perfect in prayer doesn’t impress God, it only limits the amount of intimacy you can experience with Him. When you choose to be vulnerable in prayer with your spouse, your marriage grows in intimacy.

Finally, we give grace freely in our marriage. What we realized is that so much of our spiritual development as a couple was being held back by built up resentment toward one another. Jesus said, “He who has been forgiven of much, loves much.” It isn’t until we realize our need for grace that we are truly able to love our spouse with the grace-giving love of Jesus. You can read the bible every day, pray every hour and fast every week, but if you are holding on to bitterness, you won’t grow the intimacy in your marriage relationship.

What God desires for us is not behavior modification, it is heart transformation. It is as we pursue God and pursue each other that we stop trying to change our spouse into the person we want them to be and free them to be transformed into the husband/wife that God created them to be.

The post If You Want to Grow Spiritually appeared first on Refine Us.

10 Signs Your Marriage is Drifting

Most people don’t get married so they can be unhappy. Most people don’t stand in front of a church full of people and pledge their love for each other thinking they will be standing in a courtroom dividing their property and arguing over custody of their kids.

Most marriages just drift to these places. Most drift to mediocrity. It’s not something we intend to happen…it’s just something that we allow to happen. After a while our marriage is the way it is and we settle for it.

As Trisha and I have evaluated our own relationship and talked with several other married couples, there are some things that signal a marriage that is drifting:

You can’t remember when you last went on a date together
Most of your communication is over email or text message
The time you have together in the evening is spent watching TV
All of your conversations center around finances, kids or schedules
Your sex life has no passion or drive and no desire to restore passion
You feel more excited to see someone at work than you do your spouse
Your kid sleeps in the bed with you more than 1 night a week and you don’t think that is a problem
You don’t hold hands spontaneously or kiss each other any more
There is no spiritual aspect to your relationship
You don’t laugh or joke around any more

As we have said before…great marriages don’t happen. Great marriages are a choice. The great thing is that today could be the day you choose to stop drifting. Today could be the day you turn it around. It won’t be easy. It won’t be instant…but nothing worth having is easy or instant. It will be worth it.

The post 10 Signs Your Marriage is Drifting appeared first on Refine Us.

Join Us for a Weekend In Nashville!

What if one weekend could radically transform a marriage? That is the question Trisha and I started asking a few years ago.

What if we could help couples experience God’s vision for their marriage in a brand new way?

 We believed that was possible, so in 2013, we started the RefineUs Weekend Experience.

The Weekend Experience is designed to give couples a small, intimate, interactive environment to rediscover their heart for God, their love for each other and their vision for their marriage.

To accomplish this each Weekend Experience is limited to no more than 12 couples per weekend. Question and answer sessions, shared meals and informal social times will foster a unique marriage weekend environment.

In the past we’ve offered this weekend three times per year. In 2016 we will only host two weekends in Nashville.

Not only that, 2016 will be the last year of The RefineUs Weekend in Nashville. So if you’ve thought about coming to Nashville before, this is the year to join us!

Registration is now open for the following weekends.

January 8-10, 2016
July 8-10, 2016

The price for the weekend goes up $50 on November 1. If you register before November 1, you will get the super early bird rate.

To find out more info, read testimonies from people that have been or to register for RefineUs Weekend Experience, check out the web site HERE. 

The post Join Us for a Weekend In Nashville! appeared first on Refine Us.

Your Past Matters…but how much?

What a week it has been! Over the last eight days, Trish has shared our story on CNN, the local NBC affiliate in Indianapolis, and yesterday morning the Today Show shared a quote from our book, Beyond Ordinary!

As this national coverage has come, many have asked us if it is hard to keep digging up the past. Do we struggle with sharing such hard things from our past? These are thoughtful and valid questions.

But here is our heart: We aren’t digging up the past…we are leveraging our past to change your present and future marriage!

There are few things I wish I would have done different in my past.

Been completely authentic with Trish and a few close friends about my inner life
Cared more about what God thinks about me than others
Asked for help earlier
Invested in my marriage as much as my career
Here is the truth today:

You have the choice right now to either work on your marriage or not.There isn’t an in between and my question for you this is this…Are you satisfied with what you have now in your marriage?

Is your marriage everything you hoped it would be when you started?
Does forgiveness and grace flow freely in your home?
Do you have an awesome sex life that is completely fulfilling?
Can you imagine a marriage where trust is deep and intimacy was white hot?

It’s possible but it doesn’t happen by chance. I completely understand where you are and here is what I’ve learned over the last nine years: Your past CAN matter but CAN’T be your master!

How do you get over your past and create an amazing future? To have something different, you have to do things differently.

As you head into the weekend, what is one thing you can choose this weekend that will build into your marriage?

The post Your Past Matters…but how much? appeared first on Refine Us.

Removing Roadblocks To Healing After Betrayal

Today we are honored to have a guest blog post from Melody Lovvorn. Melody uncovered her husband’s betrayal in 2000, and has lived through the nightmare of having her family torn apart when her children were 6, 4, 2, and 6 months. After walking her own path of healing and wholeness, Melody and her ex-husband Tray were remarried in 2008.  Along with Tray, Melody has been devoted to personally coaching and walking with others who are currently living through the pain and trauma of their partner’s betrayal.  Out of her own experience, she created Life Beyond Betrayal (www.lifebeyondbetrayal.com), an online course spanning 30 days for women who have been impacted by betrayal and/or infidelity. She and Tray live in Birmingham with their 4 children who are now 20, 19, 17, and 15.

As long as I live, I will never forget that moment.  The words “we need to talk”, followed by “yes it’s true” as I confronted my husband broadsided me with a pain that I had never experienced before. I had no idea how I was going to breathe in the next moment, let alone survive this.

In the days that followed, I had hoped to find help, hope, direction, understanding, and guidance, but instead encountered the reality that I was in a messy situation that very few wanted to enter.

My name is Melody Lovvorn, creator of Life Beyond Betrayal.

That was 15 years ago…My children were 5, 4, 2, and 6 months old.  In that moment, I did not have the option to press pause on life in order to properly deal with what had happened to me.

While the specifics of your story might be slightly different than mine, there is nothing that prepares you for the devastation of betrayal.   This relational trauma rocks you to the core, and like me, you may be wondering how you will continue to function in light of your current situation, whether you discovered the truth of the betrayal today or a number of years ago.

For the last seven years, I have had the privilege of walking with hundreds of women through these painful and difficult waters.  During that time, I have discovered 3 common roadblocks that can often hinder genuine healing after betrayal.

The first roadblock that needs to be removed is the belief that you somehow caused this…that it is your fault. This happened to you, but this did not happen because of you! There is nothing that you did or didn’t do to cause it.  Someone else made a decision that was outside of you, and I want you to know that it did not have anything to do with you.  People from all walks of life experience betrayal so trying to find out what you did or didn’t do is a losing battle.  You didn’t cause this.

The second roadblock that needs to be removed is the belief that you can cure or fix what has happened to you. Many women attempt to do this by taking responsibility for decisions that someone else has made. Trying to fix someone else’s decisions will only prevent you from moving toward your own genuine healing.  Carl Jung said, “What you resist, persists.” Not only that, the pain you resist bubbles up to the surface and can affect your life in ways that are far removed from the original wound.

Unfortunately, after the discovery of betrayal, being pain-free is not an option.  Escaping or avoiding the pain only prolongs it.  Remember, you are not alone. There are other women on the same path through pain toward healing.

The third and final roadblock that needs to be removed is the belief that you can somehow control the circumstances around your betrayal. It’s very natural that questions will bombard us when the person we trusted the most is the source of the betrayal. An avalanche of emotions is often experienced as we begin the never-ending quest to find answers to our questions.

Be careful to choose “What” instead of “Why” questions.  The following “Why” questions will never result in a satisfactory answer:

“Why did this happen to me?”

“Why didn’t I know?”

“Why wasn’t I enough?”

Instead of getting caught in the never-ending cycle of these “Why” questions, ask yourself these questions instead:

“What am I going to do now that I have discovered this betrayal?”

“What can I choose today to help determine the quality of my life in the future?”

“What can I do right now to move me in the direction of healing?”

It is completely understandable to want your situation to return to normal as quickly as possible after experiencing the pain and heartache of deception. But be sure that you do not inadvertently delay your own healing process by spending time and energy looking for shortcuts. There is no avoiding the fact that you will experience pain on whichever path you choose, but you can also prolong the pain due to shortcuts that promise but don’t deliver peace of mind.

The post Removing Roadblocks To Healing After Betrayal appeared first on Refine Us.

As Seen on CNN with Brooke Baldwin

Last week Trisha was asked to write a guest post for Ed Stetzer and Christianity Today, and speak into the Ashley Madison hack/scandal. Many of you read this article and shared it with others.

A producer at CNN read the article and contacted Trish on Monday morning asking if she would be a guest on CNN Newsroom with Brooke Baldwin.

So many of you shared this on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and were so encouraging before during and after the segment.

A LOT of you weren’t able to see the interview live so we’ve shared a the video of the four minute interview below. Please feel free to share it on Twitter and Facebook.

{If video won’t play on your mobile device, click the picture above}

Pastor, on Ashley Madison list, resigns. @BrookeBCNN speaks with wife of pastor who cheated with her best friend: http://t.co/532iFgmIFg

— Eric Hall (@erichallcnn) September 1, 2015

The post As Seen on CNN with Brooke Baldwin appeared first on Refine Us.

What No One Else Can Do

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.  E.E. Cummings

More than anything else your wife needs you to be you today.

More than anything else your husband needs you to be you today.

More than anyone else, your friends love you for you.

More than anyone else your kids want you to be you today.

Being you will not come natural. Being you will not come easy. Being you will not feel like the best choice. Being you is vulnerable. Being you is risky. Being you is exactly who you need to be.

There is this fear we all live with that who we are…what we bring to the table won’t be enough. We won’t be enough to bring us the right friends. We won’t be enough to satisfy our husband’s expectations. We won’t be enough to fulfill what we think our wife needs. We aren’t that good of a friend. We don’t have what it takes as a parent.

So rather than fight to be ourselves, we give into the lie that we’d be happier being someone else…because that is what everyone wants.

You are The Beloved.

You are The Redeemed.

You are The Set Apart

You are The Image of God.

Fight today. Fight to be you. Fight to be all that God created you to be. It’s not only what your wife needs…it’s what you need. You being you isn’t just what your husband needs, it’s what you need. Being nobody today but yourself will have to be a choice you make.

Choose it.

Nobody else can be you.

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Jared Fogle and Sexual Brokenness

Like you, I’ve been stunned the past few days hearing details of the Jared Fogle case. Our family just moved to Zionsivlle, Indiana, where Jared Fogle lives so the intensity of the story has been very noticeable in this community.

I was sexually abused as a child. My heart breaks for the 14 victims and their families as they try to put the pieces of their lives back together. My heart breaks even more for the thousands of victims of sex abuse, sex trafficking and sexual assault that go unidentified and undiscovered.

This story has been a reminder to me of how sexually broken we are. The world is sexually broken…but so is the Church.

According to this study by the Barna Research group, 64% of Christian men regularly view pornography. Broken down by age, eight out of ten 18-30 year olds view porn monthly. Women aren’t exempt either, with about 30% of women consuming pornography monthly.

It’s not like Christians don’t know that pornography is wrong. We preach against it at least once a year. By in large the Church has avoided talking about God’s view of sex, left people to figure it out on their own then condemned them for getting it wrong. Telling people what not to do creates cultures of shame, hiddenness and inauthenticity.

We pretend we aren’t broken and think that will heal us.

The secret is out…we aren’t fooling anyone anymore. The Church is as sexually broken as our world. Trying harder. Attending church more. Being a better person isn’t working.

We don’t need more behavior modification, we need heart transformation.

Here are three truths that the Jared Fogle case has reminded me of that apply to all of us:

1. God can’t heal the parts of our heart we refuse to give to him.

Maybe you don’t struggle with pornography. But you were abused when you were a kid. You were taken advantage of by a guy in college. You had sex with multiple partners before you got married. Now you struggle in the area of sexual intimacy and you don’t know why. God wants you to experience sexual freedom and healing but that comes through surrender. Is it easy? No…it isn’t easy. But it is worth it. Maybe the healing you need in this area can be found by finally giving this part of your life to God.

2. Sin is never slow, it is always in a hurry.

My guess is that five years ago, Jared Fogle never thought he would be a pedophile. I’m certain he didn’t want to ruin the lives of innocent kids, bring destruction to the hearts of his wife and kids and publicly ruin his own reputation. That wasn’t in his five year plan.

Sin always builds on itself.

I carried sexual brokenness in my life for years because of the abuse I experienced. It wasn’t even my sin that initially wounded me sexually, but the sinful choice of someone else. That brokenness made me vulnerable to an addiction to pornography. That sin, unconfessed, allowed me to justify an affair.

It is a snowball effect. That is why this passage of Scripture in James 5:16 is so powerful:  Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.

The thing I love about this is that confession to others isn’t for the forgiveness of the sin. Jesus does that. Our confession of sin to others is for the healing from the sin that we desperately need.

You might think that keeping your struggles to yourself will help you contain it; slow it down or undo it…but it is only picking up speed.

3. If you say you’ll stop and you don’t, you aren’t in control any more.

If you’ve had any struggle with sexual sin before, my guess is you’ve said, “That is the last time I’m doing that.”

That’s the last time I’m looking at that
That’s the last time I’m texting her
That’s the last time we’re sleeping together before we get married
That’s the last one night stand I’m having
That’s the last time…until the next time.

Self-deception is the most dangerous of all deception. If you can deceive yourself, you can deceive anyone. If you have promised to “never do that again” and you still do “it”, you aren’t in control.

Being honest with yourself about your brokenness is the first step to healing.

God longs to use the Church to bring healing to our hurting world. But before sexual healing can happen by the Church it needs to happen in the Church. 

The post Jared Fogle and Sexual Brokenness appeared first on Refine Us.

2 Things You Need to Know This Weekend

Have you ever worked really hard and gone over and above to try to accomplish something only to find out you messed up anyway? No…it must just be me.

As most of you know, we moved a month ago from Nashville, TN to Indianapolis, IN. We had speaking engagement in Florida a week after we moved so I ordered 3 boxes of T-Shirts to have for our speaking engagement. Well…we had 4 boxes of t-shirts that were packed in our garage and I never saw them.

Needless to say, we have a TON of HOT T-shirts cluttering up our house. So this weekend we’re selling ALL of our t-shirts for $10. Make statement to everyone about how HOT your spouse is!

The sale ends on Sunday, August 16th at midnight. To browse our shirts just click HERE:

You will need the discount code “school” at check out to see the discount applied.

For the past three years, we’ve hosted a weekend in Nashville for couples called

The RefineUs Weekend Experience.

It is a small, all-access gathering (limited to 12 couples) in Nashville and this weekend has sold out every single time we’ve offered it. 

This week we opened registration for the 2016 experiences  we’ll be hosting.

January 8-10, 2016 and July 8-10, 2016.

For more information on the weekend you can check out the RefineUs Weekend Experience web site.

You can save $50 on registration with the Super Early Bird registration. If you’re looking for a weekend to transform your heart and the heart of your marriage, we’d love to spend this weekend with you!

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3 Ways to Surround Your Marriage With the Right People

Today we are sharing with you a guest post from our friend, Ted Lowe. Ted is a speaker, a blogger, and the director of MarriedPeople, the marriage division at The reThink Group (also known as Orange), a non-profit organization devoted to influencing those who influence the next generation.

After serving as the director of MarriedLife at North Point Community Church in Alpharetta, Georgia, Ted joined the Orange team to create MarriedPeople. He lives in Cumming, Georgia, with his four favorite people: his wife, Nancie, and their three children. Ted is co-author of Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages that Last.

For more info about Ted and MarriedPeople, visit MarriedPeople.org or join him on Facebook at facebook.com/marriedpeople or Twitter @tedlowe.

________________

I stumbled on a 2010 article from CNN entitled, “Could you be, ‘infected’ by a friend’s divorce?” Studies reveal the answer to that question is . . . ABSOLUTELY.

James H. Fowler, professor of political science at the University of California, San Diego, said: “Not only can the risk of divorce spread from one couple to their friends or family, it can also affect relationships at least two degrees of separation away from the original couple splitting up.” The article also stated: “People who had a divorced friend were 147 percent more likely to be divorced than people whose friends’ marriages were intact.”

I’ve worked with married couples for 13 years, and I wasn’t surprised by these findings in the least. I’ve never met anyone who decided, in isolation, to get a divorce. They find people around them to agree with them that they somehow deserve or need or must get a divorce. While there are cases in which this may be true, for a large majority of couples, divorce is not the answer. Paul in Colossians 2:8 warns us this way: “See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental spiritual forces of this world rather than on Christ.”

I don’t highlight this article and this passage to suggest you avoid family and friends who have gotten a divorce, although I do suggest you get marital advice from people whose marriages are winning. I highlight this article and this passage to encourage you to surround marriage with people who want your marriage to succeed. Here are three ways to surround your marriage with people who want your marriage to win:

Get in a small group- Whether in a small group or Sunday school class, surround yourself with other couples who believe in having a growing marriage that lasts until death do you part. As a group, go through great marriage studies.
Find a married person who is “down the road.” Find someone whose marriage you respect and buy them food, coffee, or baseball game tickets so you can pick their brain on what it takes to have a great marriage.
Read some good stuff. There are many blogs and books that can empower and encourage your marriage. Read them on a regular basis.

Bottom-line: Be careful who speaks into your marriage; be sure you are not taken “captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy” by even well meaning friends and family. Be captive and captivated by God’s way for marriage and people who believe marriage is supposed to be great and is designed to last a lifetime.

Who are the people in your life who want your marriage to win?