Justin Davis's Blog, page 3

The People That Surround You Are Engraved in You (Guest Post from Micah Davis)

It’s been a long time since I last wrote a blog post. It was a little over 4 years ago, actually. I was 15, my voice was high and squeaky, I was awkward, and about to face the biggest obstacle of my life up to that point: High School. Oh, how trivial it seems to think about how big and scary I thought High School would be. The movies make it seem like a teenage prison; the jocks rule, and the nerds are repeatedly tortured day in and day out. Those in the middle just stay out of the way. I would be lying to you if I said that my High School didn’t have cliques. In fact, most of High School I was associated with one. We had different names for our friend groups throughout the years: The Crew, Nibblerz, and as recently as our group text name, The WolfPack. It sounds funny, and really it is. Sure, our friend groups were never like the movies, we didn’t run around our High School wreaking havoc throughout the hallways every day. Of course, we caused some trouble, but it was all out of unserious playfulness and love. I’m thankful for my school. I loved all of the people I encountered there, but those 6 or 7 closest friends that I have really have taught me a lot. Even in just the last few weeks (months after we’ve graduated high school). 

I say all of that to say this: If there was one thing that I took away from high school, it would be this; relationships are the foundation of a healthy life.

No, not the fundamental theorem of calculus, not the periodic table, not how to write a 5 point thesis, and surely not how many people died in the Storming of the Bastille in 1789. Sure, all of those things are important and I will be taking them with me to college this next year, but the relationships I made with those 7 special guys in High School are truly forever. We text day in and day out, even face timing sometimes, with me already at Indiana Wesleyan, a few still in Nashville, one already at Western Kentucky, and another already at Ole Miss, our athletic schedules keep us busy and it’s tough to stay in contact. Yet, those guys don’t skip a beat with me, and that’s what true friendships are all about right? Intentionality and unconditional love. 

    So what does this all mean? Well, through those friendships, the dating relationships I had in High School, and my relationship with my family and God, it all brought me to this conclusion:

The people that Surround me are engraved in me.

That was a scary thing to think about, but it’s true. Every interaction we have has some type of affect on us, whether positive or negative. The more time we spend with a person, the more of an impact they have on us. I’ve been blessed personally, because the girl and guy I spent most of High School with both had huge positive impacts on me, sure some hurt occurred too, but for the most part, there are things I’ll carry from both of them the rest of my life. I’ve also been blessed by great parents. I don’t just say this because I’m writing on their blog, I say it because I mean it. Ask me at any moment of any day who my hero is and my answer is the same: my father. Ask me who my rock and my comforter is and the answer is also the same: my mother. This all culminated yesterday in getting my first tattoo. My mother’s handwriting was literally engraved into my skin. And that’s because I trust her with my life, and her advice has changed the course of my life as I’ve gotten older. 

I hope you don’t look at all of this as a bragging post on the incredible people I have in my life. I have been hurt by some pretty terrible people throughout High School, and until recently, I sought love and validation so much that I was willing to give my all to those who would use me just to receive that. It has taken a lot of hard work to root out the bad people and keep the good people in my life. The closer you can get to that step though, the better your life will be.

Because in this life, relationships and community are everything, and those closest to you will shape you. I’m not perfect, and I still have a lot of work to do even in my best relationships. But know that you’re not alone in this fight, that everyone is searching for a true friend, I pray you find that. 

Cheers, Friends! 

Micah

The Most Dangerous Word in Marriage

A few times per year we host a small gathering of couples in Nashville for the RefineUs Weekend Experience. Our last weekend of 2015 was this past weekend. (New Dates for 2016 announced soon!) 

During a break, I was talking to one of the husbands and asked him what brought he and his wife to Nashville for the weekend. He said something that resonated with me:

“Procrastination. I was busy building my career and building our bank account and I told myself I’d get around to building my marriage. Now we’re in crisis so I can’t put it off any longer.”

The most dangerous word in a marriage relationship is, “tomorrow.”

Tomorrow you will go on a date night. Tomorrow you will find a babysitter and spend quality time together. Tomorrow you will be home from work on time. Tomorrow you will sit down for dinner together. Tomorrow you will work on your budget. Tomorrow you’ll take time for sexual intimacy. Tomorrow you’ll resolve that conflict.

Tomorrow always promises more than it delivers and delays the marriage you truly desire.

Our marriage was nearly destroyed by, “tomorrow.” Tomorrow we’ll go to counseling. Tomorrow we’ll make time for each other. Tomorrow we’ll make changes. Tomorrow we’ll be intentional…until there was almost no tomorrow.

We can’t get better at anything today by waiting until tomorrow. 

The reason we’ve created MentorUs and The RefineUs Marriage Seminar is to help you today. Like right now. Each of these resources fight against the atrophy of tomorrow. They come to your inbox instantly and consistently.

MentorUs is a weekly marriage booster that gives you a weekly devotion and guided discussion on 12 different topics. We send you a video every month talking about how we implement each principle in our marriage relationship.

The RefineUs Marriage Seminar is a raw and honest six-session video seminar that will encourage and empower you to improve your marriage relationship.

To celebrate our 20th anniversary this week, we’ve bundled these two resources for $69. (That is $109 off)

$69 is a lot of money today. But we believe this investment will save you a lot more tomorrow.You don’t have to wait till tomorrow to invest in your most important relationship.

Click HERE to GET INSTANT ACCESS to MentorUs and The RefineUs Marriage Seminar.

(Enter the code ANNIVERSARY at checkout to get the discount to apply)

This anniversary sale price ends tomorrow..so don’t miss it.

Celebrating Our 20th Anniversary

A few days ago, I wrote a post called The One Thing Missing in Most Marriages. If you weren’t able to read it, you can do so by clicking HERE.

This post has been shared over 20,000 times on Facebook and read by more than 80,000 people in the last 3 days. It’s a post about gentleness. The way the post has taken off is a reminder to me of how a lot of our marriages aren’t missing big things…but just the smallest thing can make such a big difference. Gentleness isn’t a behavior; it is a condition of our heart.

Yesterday, Trish and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. Just typing those words is a miracle. There were several days I didn’t think we’d make it to year eleven. What has gotten us to today isn’t a magic formula or a series of behavior modifications…it is a daily choice to allow our hearts to be transformed.

No matter how good or bad your marriage is, I know it can always be better. You are one or two choices away from transforming the heart of your marriage.  For the last five years, we’ve made it our mission to help couples just like you have the marriage God has in mind.

To celebrate our 20th year, we are offering our two most popular and most transformational resources to you at 1995 prices.

MentorUs is a weekly marriage devotion that is emailed to your inbox every week. We give you a devotion to read together, Scriptures to read and 3-4 discussion questions. We cover topics like communication, conflict resolution, SEX, forgiveness and finances. It is ONE devotion per week for an entire year.

The RefineUs Marriage Seminar is our marriage seminar via video that we teach all over the country. We also include 3 bonus videos featuring Natalie Grant, Patsy Clairmont and Mike Grayson. Each session of this seminar is designed to give you tools to transform your heart and the heart of your marriage.

We’ve bundled this resources together in the past but we’ve never offered both of them together at this price: $69 for both resources. That saves you $109!

Click HERE to GET INSTANT ACCESS to MentorUs and The RefineUs Marriage Seminar.

(Enter the code ANNIVERSARY {all caps} at checkout to get the discount to apply)

This anniversary sale price ends on Saturday July 18th…so don’t miss it.

The One Thing Missing In Many Marriages

A few weeks ago, Trish and I were signing books after a speaking engagement and a young guy handed me his book and began to shake my hand.

“I’m not married yet,” he said, “but I’m engaged to be married. What is the one avoidable mistake you see couples make that I can learn from?”

It was a great question. There was lots of pressure to name one thing. I shared with him what I am sharing with you.

There is one thing that starts out in most marriages but over time goes missing. This one thing makes great marriages good; extraordinary marriages ordinary; average marriages struggle and bad marriages toxic.

The one thing that is missing: gentleness 

So many couples are missing gentleness in their relationship. Many couples have gone so long without it that they’ve become numb to their need for it. They’ve settled for marriage minus gentleness.

Gentleness is a disposition. Gentleness makes up the character and heart of a relationship.

Gentleness doesn’t fly off the handle when your husband is late for dinner.

Gentleness doesn’t lose it’s temper when your wife drops her iPhone on accident.

Gentleness refuses to give level ten responses to level two issues.

Gentleness reminds your spouse of all that they are not all that they are not.

Gentleness says we’re fighting for each other not with each other.

Gentleness is humble enough to admit you’re wrong and doesn’t gloat or keep score when you’re right.

It sets the tone and direction of every conversation and disagreement. Gentleness paves the way for forgiveness and conflict resolution. It is the thermostat of every marriage.

Even when you can’t describe gentleness, you know what it looks like when you see it.

A few days ago, I was scrolling through Facebook and saw a beautiful display of gentleness. My friends Tim and Faith Stevens were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. Gentleness only grows over time if it is intentional. This post is full of gentleness. Harshness might make someone obedient or compliant, but gentleness wins their heart.

There is this powerful Scripture in the New Testament that talks about gentleness.

Galatians 5:22-23 22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

There is this reality that the longer I walk with God, the more gentle I should become.

How gentle are you with your wife? Do you give her the benefit of the doubt? Do you lead with love and grace instead of accusation and guilt?

How gentle are you with your husband? Does he look forward to coming home from work to be with you or dread coming home because he’ll be yelled at or made to feel like a failure?

People think they need more communication, more sex, more money, more conflict resolution to have a better marriage. Maybe.

But what guarantees a better marriage…gentleness.

Gentleness will change everything. 

The Power of Another Chance

This past Sunday was our family’s last Sunday at Cross Point Church in Nashville. Next week we make the move to Indianapolis to start a brand new church called, Hope City Church.

I had the honor of speaking on my final Sunday and my message was on the Power of Another Chance. So many people have emailed me, sent me messages on Facebook and Twitter asking where they could find the message that I wanted to share it with you.

If you’ve ever made a mistake, messed up, got it wrong, fallen short or not met expectations…this message is for you.

My Best Advice to Every Parent

Over the past few weeks Trish and I have navigated a new season. Our oldest son Micah graduated from high school. It is such a weird feeling. While you’re never “done” as a parent, part of our role as parents graduated with him. I’ve never felt so sad, excited, nostalgic and proud all at the same time.

Micah attended a Christian high school and part of the graduation ceremony included a paragraph in the program written by each student’s advisory teacher. Here is what Micah’s teacher wrote about him:

There are a lot of nice things said in this paragraph. Genuine. Leader. Character. Fun. But there is one sentence that brought me to tears.

“He is willing to admit his flaws and weaknesses.”

One of the most common questions we get is, “How honest should we be with our kids about our problems, mistakes or failures?” If you’ve been around RefineUs or read our book, you know that our marriage problems and personal failures are shared frequently and transparently.

Transformation begins with honesty. But the reality is we feel most successful as parents by hiding our flaws from our kids. If we can appear perfect then maybe our kids won’t make the same mistakes we have.

Your kids don’t need to see you pretending to be perfect. What your kids need most from you is authenticity.

We have good intentions when we choose to hide our mistakes from our kids. We want them to respect us. We want them to look up to us.  We want them to be proud of us. We don’t want to trouble them. We don’t want them to think we are weak. Not bad desires at all. The problem is that deception never leads to freedom…it always leads to bondage.

A mistake kept hidden is often repeated.  (This principle is why the things you struggle with most, your parents probably struggled with…but that is a post for another time.) 

Sin’s power grows in secret. In hiding our mistakes we can actually set our kids up to repeat them.

Maybe we don’t experience the fullness of God’s grace because we too often pretend we don’t need it. We don’t want to admit we are broken. We don’t want to acknowledge we fail. We don’t want to confess our weaknesses.

God can’t heal the parts of our heart we refuse to give to him. Hiding your failures from your kids doesn’t help them be perfect, it teaches them to be fake.

I think this principle is why God shares so much of peoples’ dysfunction and brokenness with us in the Bible. They were messed up. He didn’t have to share all of those stories of betrayal, and heartache and loss and bitterness and adultery. I believe he shared their mistakes so we wouldn’t have to repeat them.

I’m not saying we should share details of our sins or bad choices with our kids. Your kids don’t need to know how often you used to get drunk or the details of your dating life in high school.

Your kids need to know that you fail and mess up and see the process of confession, repentance, forgiveness and restoration lived out in front of them.

Seeing you being transformed by the grace and mercy of a loving God gives them hope that they don’t have to be perfect.

They will then be willing to admit their flaws and weaknesses.

And trust me…there is no better feeling of success as a parent.

Why Marriage Counseling Doesn’t Work

When Trish and I started our first church in 2002, we had a lot of faith, very little money and even less people. I put together a business plan of what I thought was our budget and timeline and started meeting with as many people as I could, asking them to support this new church.

One morning I sat down with a very successful business man, seeking his advice but also his financial support. He had a huge heart for God and years of business experience. A friend had set up the meeting for me, and I didn’t want to blow it. I was nervous that I’d say the wrong thing and he would think I didn’t know what I was doing (which I didn’t) and not contribute to our vision.

I gave him a copy of our nine page business plan and began walking through it. My voice was shaking and my palms were sweating because there was so much at stake. I finished my speech and felt that even though it may not have been a great presentation, I swung for the fence. I closed my copy of the business plan, took a big drink of water and looked up to see his response.

“This is a great presentation.” he said.

“Thank you.” I replied.

“What is Plan B?” he asked. “If this plan doesn’t work, what is your Plan B?”

Inside I began to panic. I didn’t have a Plan B. This was my only plan. We were risking everything to start this church. I didn’t know if I should try to come up with an impromptu plan b or just be honest and tell him I didn’t have one.

“I don’t have a Plan B, sir.” I said. “I’m banking everything on this.”

His response still echoes in my heart and mind, “And that’s why this will work. If you had a Plan B, I’d question your commitment to this plan. This is going to work because you’re all in.”

A few months ago, I was sitting with a couple and the wife said to me, “We are going to try this (meeting with me) and if this doesn’t work we’re going to separate.” My response shocked both of them.

I said, “Well I can save all three of us an hour of our lives…you should just separate right now.”

Marriage counseling doesn’t work if a couple goes into it with a Plan B. The only way marriage counseling can work is if both a husband and a wife are all in. If you have a contingency plan or a a back up plan, you are already assuming that it will fail. You can’t hedge your bet and go ALL IN at the same time.

Marriage counseling is game-changing. It can save a shattered marriage and make a good marriage great. But what it requires is more than many people are willing to give: 100%.

100% commitment

100% honesty

100% vulnerability

100% forgiveness

100% ownership

100% grace

Because so many of us go into marriage counseling with this thought, “When this doesn’t work then I’ll do this….” we never allow our hearts to fully engage. Our Plan B robs us of experiencing the transformation and change we desperately need.

Going all in is risky. Pursing your marriage with no contingency plan means you could get hurt in the end. You become vulnerable. But God shows up when we’re at our weakest point. Maybe we don’t experience God’s power to transform our marriage because we’re so busy hedging our bets.

Complete surrender. That’s where life-change and marriage transformation is found.

Go all in.

30 Days of Hope

Last summer Trish looked at me with kindness in her heart and compassion in her eyes and said, “You’re not right, you need to go back to counseling.” Sometimes the most loving thing is the truth. So I went to see my counselor.  

I wasn’t experiencing joy. No matter how many churches we spoke at, no matter how many marriages we helped, no matter how many books we sold, no matter what our monthly income was…I would experience a short burst of happiness, but not sustained joy.

That wasn’t my biggest issue. The more daunting problem was I didn’t know why. I knew something was broken, but I had no idea why it was broken.

During my second counseling session, my counselor said, “If you could do THE one thing you know God’s created you to do, what would it be?” Without hesitating, I said, “Move to Indianapolis and start a church.”

He said, “That’s your calling. Living out your calling is where you find joy.”

That counseling session, multiple family conversations and many prayers, gave birth to the dream of Hope City Church.

I love this quote from author Erwin McMannus:

“Jesus invites us into a community where imperfect people can find acceptance, love, forgiveness and a new beginning.”

That is my story. That is your story too. You and I have been invited into a community of mess-ups and mistake-makers and, because of Jesus, we can find grace and second chances.

That is the dream of Hope City Church. We can’t accomplish this dream alone.

Today, we are launching a thirty-day campaign called, 30 Days of Hope (#30DaysOfHope) and we are inviting you to be a part. Over the next 30 days we have a goal of raising $80,000. That sounds insane, but here is how we can do that.

50 people willing to commit $100 per month for six months.
50 people giving a one time donation of $1000

Maybe you can’t invest monthly or give that large of a donation. Every prayer prayed and dollar given helps bring hope ot the city of Indianapolis.

You can see all the reasons why Indianapolis needs a church like Hope City here: hopecitychurch.us.

Will you be a part of inviting imperfect people into the hope of a new beginning?

Click HERE to give a one time or reoccurring tax-deductible donation to Hope City Church

3 Reasons You Should Never Settle

Today’s guest post is from Ryan & Amanda Leak. Ryan and Amanda are the Young Adults Directors at Covenant Church in Dallas, TX. They made headlines when their documentary, “The Surprise Wedding“, went viral. After Ryan overheard Amanda say she wanted to get engaged and married on the same day, he spent 2 years secretly planning their wedding. Since then they’ve appeared on Good Morning America, The Today Show, People Magazine, The Queen Latifah Show, and other various media outlets. Since marriage, they’ve added a little boy to their family, Jaxson Carter Leak.

Follow Ryan on Twitter: @ryanleak

Follow Amanda on Twitter: @amandaromanleak

Check out their web site: theonebook.tv

Buy their book: http://bit.ly/the1book

_________________________________

Can you think of one person in your life currently who you would classify as somebody who is ‘settling’? It’s amazing that we know exactly what settling looks like on other people, but it’s incredibly difficult to recognize it in the mirror. When a person spends a majority of their time rationalizing why they are with who they are with, they are suffering from an extreme case of settling. Most people settle because they believe this is what’s left over for people like them. If you’re a single parent, divorced, or ‘getting up there in age’, you feel like you have to take whatever you can get. Don’t believe that lie. You can do nothing about your past, but you can do a whole lot about your future.

Here are 3 reasons why you should never settle:

You’ll miss your complete destiny.

Whether you believe it or not, God has a plan and strategy with your name written on it. And inside that plan is a person God has tailor-made for you. Why would you want to miss out on meeting that person? Would you say that meeting who God designed you to be with isn’t worth waiting a little longer? Wouldn’t you rather wait 5 more years to meet who you’re supposed to be with than to spend 5 years in regret? Settling not only makes you miss out on who you could have been with, but also who you could’ve become. You’re the best you when you’re walking confidently the decisions you’ve made. Your destiny is too great to settle for second-best.

It Creates Tension With Your Friends & Family.

When you settle, all of your friends & family are pressured to pretend like you made a great decision. You do not want a relationship where you have to make excuses for the person you ‘love’ when you’re telling your world about them. We’ve all nodded our heads at our friends when they’re talking about someone they love so much when inside we are screaming, “NOOOOOOOO. Run!!!” You want to be in a relationship where when you brag about him or her, your world can agree with you and it be the truth.

It Makes You Trust God Less In Everything Else.

Settling is one of the worst living statements you can give God without saying one word. Settling tells God, “I’ll take matters into my own heart considering these are the only options I have in front of me.” The worst place in the world you can be is a place where you don’t trust God to give you His best. Settling in the most important area of your life will only bleed into the other areas of your life. Creating a habit of taking matters into your own hands is a great way to make life miserable. You’re better than that, and your God is better than you think He is.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. One of the greatest questions you can ask yourself when it comes to settling is, “How does God see and understand who I am and where I’m going?” If you consistently make decisions based off what you can see, you will consistently live a limited life. God has a huge plan and destiny for your future relationships. Trust that plan and see it through.

It is better to feel the temporary sting of loneliness than the lifetime anguish of regret.

5 Ways to Love Your Spouse Through Times of Transition and Grief

 

Over  the past couple of weeks Justin has been asking me to write for our blog. It’s a normal request since we’ve been blogging for several years now. And I’ve tried. With computer open, fingers ready, I’ve tried to put words together. Words of vulnerability and the raw parts of life and marriage but the words just haven’t come.

My rule for writing is this: if my words aren’t written out of a place of overflow then I don’t write them. I’m sure this is a flawed statement to being a writer but even when I’ve attempted to write just for the sake of “getting a blog post up”, the content is often flat. So here I am, week number (I don’t even know because I’ve lost count) trying to make words.

Over the past several months I’ve experienced a lot of raw. It began with Justin resigning his position at Cross Point after six years of being on staff, so we could move to the north side of Indianapolis, Indiana to plant a church. Followed by the tragic death of my four-month-old niece. And in one week will celebrate our oldest son graduating from High School only to take him to college the NEXT DAY!!

DEEP BREATH…

So yes, its safe to say I’ve been living a lot of “raw” lately and in the midst of it searching for words to help make sense of it for myself, in hopes to share and inspire you. But I’m still in the thick of it with lumps in my throat from holding back tears which makes it hard to speak and even harder to write. This morning as I spent time in God’s word a glimmer of hope and words finally started to come to mind. And although I’m still in the thick of change, there are lessons I’m learning about how to love in the raw of transition and loss along the way.

Here are 5 ways to love your spouse in the midst of transition and grief.

1. Understand grieving is a gift.

God designed us to grieve. Grieving is the process God has given to us, which, allows us to embrace the reality of what’s taking place in our lives. In order to find healing from the heartaches of life, such as the normal and natural transition of sending a child off to college or the more painful places such as a tragic death, it begins when we stop pretending and allow our hearts and minds to fully feel our loss. It is in the feeling we are able to begin grieving.

2. Don’t take grieving personally.

There are five stages to grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Just as each of us have unique Love Languages; we all grieve at different paces through each stage of grief. When your spouse is angry and lashes out at you, or becomes distant and depressed, the best gift you can give to them is to recognize it for what it is… grief.

Last week I had to meet Justin at our son’s high school to drop a car off for our son. When I arrived at the school and saw the senior parking lot empty I unexpectedly started to sob. When Justin got into my car he kept asking, “are you okay? Did something happen?” and I finally just said “NO! I’m just sad and I need you to give me the space to be sad”. At first I could see his feelings were hurt but when he took a step back and realized I was grieving, he didn’t take it personally and gave me the space I needed.

3. Pray for your spouse.

Transition often means letting go of something in order to embrace something new. Although I feel 100% called to plant a church in Indianapolis, the letting go of my friends, my church family and my life here in Nashville is still so hard. PRAYER has been our anchor!

Prayer has been what has kept God in control and kept us out of the driver seat. Praying for your spouse allows you to find peace in the raw and keeps your eyes set on Jesus, who reminds you that your spouse isn’t the enemy. God created us to be fully known by God and by our spouse and prayer is the pathway to become completely known.

4. Encourage counseling

Although you may be a supportive spouse through a major transition or loss, your spouse still might need to seek the wisdom of a godly counselor. Counseling is a safe place to express the unanswered dark parts of grief and transition. Counselors were never designed to fix your problems but rather set you on a path to find healing from them.

5. Have fun

 Go have fun. Get out of the house, go for a walk, go see a funny movie, have life-giving friends over… just do something! If it were up to me I would rather not share my heart and stay closed off from my family, friends and my blogging community. Yes, I’m in the depressed stage of grief. But I’m so thankful for a husband who has pushed me to talk, my boys who keep me laughing and friends who relentlessly love me! I can feel the light of acceptance at the end of the tunnel with every passing smile and moment of laughter. And as I come to accept all the changes about to take place, I am forever grateful to know that grieving is a gift.