Justin Davis's Blog, page 6

Top Five Blog Posts of 2014: #5

One Word that Makes Any Marriage Mediocre

What if I told you that many marriages are held back by one word? Would you believe that 3 letters actually prevent many marriages from being all God created them to be?

There is one word that has the power to paralyze your marriage and keep you from the life-giving, love-exchanging marriage God has in mind for you.

For years this word invaded our marriage and made it mediocre.

Three letters carry the power to make any marriage average. B U T.

I know I have an anger problem…BUT
I know I haven’t forgiven him…BUT
It’s true that I occasionally look at porn…BUT
I do use sex to manipulate my husband…BUT
I haven’t been completely honest with my wife…BUT
I invest more in my job than I do our marriage…BUT
I am not where I need to be spiritually as a wife…BUT
Yes, I’m chatting with my old boyfriend on Facebook…BUT
I am a control freak with our money…BUT
I make her feel guilty all the time…BUT
I know I don’t stick to our budget…BUT
I said I would change…BUT

Each of us believe we are a better spouse to our spouse than they are to us. That belief may not be spoken or verbally articulated, but it is seeps out through conflict, hurt or the heat of an argument.

That belief is expressed when we acknowledge our flaws and mistakes but then deflect responsibility off of ourselves and onto our spouse.

I know I have this problem, BUT she does this. I know I have this issue, BUT he does this.

We aren’t capable of changing our spouse so we use our spouse’s weaknesses or imperfections to justify our choices, behavior or character flaws.

No one wins.

You lose because you aren’t allowing God to change you. Your spouse loses because you are constantly keeping score of their mess-ups. Your marriage loses because it stays in a cycle of mediocrity.

Maybe today, you need to kick “but.” You need to identify the areas of your marriage you are trying to shift responsibility off of yourself and onto your spouse. What if you went to your spouse and just owned your brokenness? What if you said to them that you take responsibility for all of your flaws without brining up theirs? That is a game changer. That is you choosing to move beyond mediocre and give your marriage the chance to be extraordinary.

Top Five Posts of 2014

What an incredible year 2014 has been for RefineUs. We are so thankful for the opportunity to journey through the messiness and beauty of life and marriage and parenting and relationships with you. Thank you for reading our blog and sharing our  posts with others.

This year alone we’ve had over 1.5 million people on our web site. We can’t thank you enough for helping us restore hope and renew relationships this year! We may never meet, but somehow God has connected us here and allowed us to point people to him through RefineUs. Wow. How cool is that?

Every year, we recap the top five posts of that calendar year. So starting tonight, we will share with you the most shared, most read posts of 2014.

Thank you again for allowing us to speak into your life, to share our journey with you and experience the love and grace of God along the way. We can’t wait to travel together through 2015.

Justin and Trish

 

Understanding the Story of Another

I’ve never experienced racism. I am white.

My wife is Hispanic and I’ve seen members of her family treated differently because of the color of their skin.

Some of my best friends in high school and college were black. I’ve seen some of the people I love the most be treated differently because of the color of their skin.

Every human life is to be valued. The problem is without understanding the story of another, it makes it easy to devalue them.

I’ve admired and looked up to Bill Hybels, the pastor of Willow Creek Church in Chicago for over 20 years. I’ve never admired him more than the moment I saw this video.

“Be slow to speak, quick to listen.”

Forgiveness and Restoration

All of us experience the highs and lows of ministry. Regardless if you’re a church planter’s wife or a pastor’s wife of a mega church, the Bride of Christ can often feel like your best friend one minute and your worst enemy the next. It’s easy to get lost. I’m not naïve to the fact that some of you reading this post are contemplating calling it quits. It’s okay for you to be right where you’re at, but we don’t want you to stay there.

Although our book, Beyond Ordinary, isn’t specifically geared towards pastors and pastors’ wives, the words I labored over in our book had you specifically in mind. Much of my story is your story. Our book isn’t about a wayward pastor who cheats on his wife. It’s not a story of how we once had a terrible marriage and now we have an extraordinary one. It’s a story of how two people who passionately loved God, his church and each other, got lost along the way.

As Justin and I share our story, the affair gets all the attention, but what I have come to realize is that I had a forgiveness issue long before the affair.

I had mastered the art of unforgiveness and felt clueless about what true forgiveness looked like. One of the questions I always get is, “How did you ever forgive Justin? How in the world could you forgive him after what he did?”

I’m guest posting for The Send Network Today. Read the rest of this post HERE

Repentance and Regret

Researchers have found that the most common human emotion is love. That isn’t all that surprising.

But what might be surprising is the second most common human emotion is regret.

“I wish I would have gotten that job.”

“I wish I’d spoken up in that meeting.”

“I wish I’d studied harder for that test.”

“I wish” is the mantra of regret.

Regret has a unique sting to it. All pain stings, but regret has a unique sting because it’s not just “I wish things had turned out differently,” it’s “I know things could have turned out differently if I would have done something differently.”

As people become familiar with our story, many assume my biggest regret in our marriage is the affair.

I have people ask me all the time, “Do you regret your decision? If you could go back and undo your choice, would you?”

Of course I regret my choices! Of course I wish I could take it back! Of course I wish things had turned out differently! Of course I want to take back all the pain and hurt I caused so many! 

Regret can overwhelm me.

I’m guest posting this week at The Send Network this week. Read the rest of this post HERE

Confession and Healing

When Trisha and I first got married and entered ministry in 1995, I prided myself on being a person that was accountable. I was accountable in my choices: I wouldn’t counsel with a woman behind a closed office door; I wouldn’t give a teenage girl a ride home from church without another person in the car. I wouldn’t do lunch with a female without my wife or another male staff member. At all costs I wanted to be accountable.

When we started Genesis Church in 2002, I knew that accountability would be of utmost importance. I sought out a guy in our core group and asked him if we could meet each Wednesday morning to “hold each other accountable.” As a church planter, I had a church planting coach. He and I would meet every Thursday morning and he would ask me questions about my relationship with God. He would ask me questions about my marriage, my struggles, my weaknesses. He wanted to hold me accountable. Eventually I had a group of Elders I met with once a month who were the spiritual leaders of our church, and I was accountable to them.

So with all of these boundaries and all of these safe guards and all of these great leaders and friends holding me accountable how could I ever be unfaithful to God and my wife? That’s not possible right? But I was unfaithful, despite all of my accountability.

I am guest posting for The Send Network this week. Read the rest of this post HERE…

Why Not Now?

Lasting change in our marriage doesn’t come by trying to “fix” our marriage. Our marriage changes as we allow God to transform our heart, personally.

Our passion is to provide you with resources that don’t just modify your marriage for a few days or weeks, but actually equip you to see transformation take place. 

We’ve created 3 bundles to give you DONE for you resources to help you be intentional about your marriage.

These Bundles expire at MIDNIGHT tonight…

Bundle #1:

MentorUs plus our book Beyond ordinary for $49. You save 40% off of our regular price.

Click HERE to support our ministry and get Bundle #1

MegaBundle:

MentorUs, our book Beyond Ordinary and The RefineUs Marriage Seminar 6 Session DVD for $99.  You save 55% off of regular price ($117 SAVINGS)

Click HERE to support our ministry and get the MegaBundle

Marriage Makeover Bundle:

(Save $137)

1 hour Skype session with me. It’s completely private & confidential.
52 week online marriage course called MentorUs
6 Session Marriage Seminar DVD Set with PDF Outlines and Discussion Questions
a signed copy of our book, Beyond Ordinary

Click here right now to see the Makeover bundle offer

You can have a marriage that is beyond ordinary, we want to provide you with resources that empower you to be intentional.

Help Us Help Marriages

It’s always been hard for me to ask for help but I’m going to right now… 

When Trish and I made the decision to start RefineUs Ministries our greatest desire was to help people. We wanted to leverage our story and experience to help others have an extraordinary marriage.  Last year, we felt God leading us to launch this ministry full time.

Since then we’ve been traveling and speaking and sharing with as many people as possible the amazing vision God has for their marriage. 

With any new venture or ministry there are things that go way better than you imagine and others that are more challenging. As the end of the year nears, the financial challenges of a full time ministry are real and sometimes discouraging. 

As we approach 2015, our desire is to continue RefineUs full time & it honestly takes a little bit of sales from our resources & t-shirts to cover expenses in between our speaking engagements.  Here is my ask… 

Over the next 72 hours I’m putting together a deal for you that will help your marriage while at the same time support our ministry. 

We’re bundling our 52-Week MentorUs Marriage enricher with our book and our new 6 session marriage seminar on DVD.  

Bundle #1: MentorUs plus our book Beyond Ordinary for $49. You save 40% off of our regular price.

MegaBundle: MentorUs, our book Beyond Ordinary and The RefineUs Marriage Seminar 6 Session DVD Set for $99. You save 55% off regular price ($117 SAVINGS)

This would mean the world if you would support our ministry today & we will give you immediate and practical tools to take your marriage to new level of growth and intimacy. 

This sale only lasts this week.

Click HERE to support our ministry and get Bundle #1

The money you invest in your marriage will not only go to help your marriage…you will help us continue to invest in thousands of marriages. 

Click HERE to support our ministry and get the MegaBundle

Thank you in advance for your prayers and support!

The Changing Role of a Parent

Our oldest son, Micah has his first basketball game of his senior year tonight. I (Justin) made the huge mistake of going down memory lane,  flipping through old pictures of he, Trish and myself growing up together.

I cried like a baby.

They weren’t tears of sadness, but tears of joy and gratitude. It has been such an honor to partner with my best friend to raise an amazing young man.

As I flipped through pictures, I realized how my role as a parent has changed over the years. There are probably more evolutions of our role as parents, but in my overly emotional, blood-shot eye state here are four that were obvious to me.

1. Dreamer:

When you first become a parent, you have dreams for your kids. You dream about them walking and talking and what they are going to be when they grow up. You dream about their personality and their interests and hobbies. Before your child ever has dreams of their own, you have dreams for them. You dream about the person they will become, the spouse they will marry, the impact they will make.

2. Nurturer

Life is tough. Disappointment comes and failure happens. Sometimes  our kids struggle with school or they get cut from a team or they have  their heartbroken. They need us to nurture them. They need us to care  for them and have their back.

They need to know that we love them  unconditionally.

 3. Coach

As our kids grow, they need to be coached. They need us to teach them and give them skills and knowledge about life and friends and the opposite sex. They have God-given potential that is released and realized as we coach them to pursue their dreams.

 

 

 

 4. Cheerleader

The season I’m in right now is a new one. Micah doesn’t need me to dream for him. He is beyond his desire to have us nurture him. He has been coachable and has begun to realize his potential. Now I’m his cheerleader. My impact isn’t as much in my instruction as it is in my friendship. He needs me in his corner, cheering for him as he moves into adulthood.

 

I wish someone would have told me how fast the time with our kids would go. Actually, ever person over 40 years old told me, “Enjoy every minute with your boys, it goes by so fast.” When you aren’t sleeping through the night and they are writing with markers on the walls, time doesn’t seem so fast.

But today, as our oldest son has his final first game of high school, I want to cherish every minute, to cheer like crazy and savor this final season.

What role would you add to the list?

 

RefineUs Weekend 2015 Registration Open

What if one weekend could radically transform a marriage? That is a question Trisha and I started asking a few years ago.

What if we could help couples experience God’s vision for their marriage in a brand new way?

We believed that was possible, so in 2013, we started the RefineUs Weekend Experience.

The Weekend Experience is designed to give couples a small, intimate, interactive environment to rediscover their heart for God, their love for each other and their vision for their marriage.

To accomplish this each Weekend Experience is limited to 10 couples per weekend. Question and answer sessions, shared meals and informal social times will foster a unique marriage weekend environment.

In 2014, we offered this Weekend three times. Every weekend sold out. In fact, we had a waiting list for each of the weekends.

Due to our travel schedule in 2015, we can only host the weekend two times. Registration is now open for the following weekends.

May 1-3, 2015
July 10-12, 2015

Due to the limited space, we are opening registration up early and discounting registration by $50 if you register before December 31, 2014.

To find out more about the RefineUs Weekend Experience, check out the web site HERE.