Justin Davis's Blog, page 10

The Greatest Threat to Intimacy

It is impossible to earn forgiveness. Forgiveness, if it is authentic, is unconditional. Forgiveness is as much for you, the person that is offering it, as it is for the recipient. Trust is something completely different.

Trust has to be earned. Trust is a sequence of relational deposits, made with an authentic heart. Trust is the basis for intimacy. You can’t build a relationship in the absence of trust.

We know a lot of people that struggle with trust. Distance defines their relationship. Fear dominates their emotions. Worst-case scenarios flood their mind.  Suspicion and accusation lead most conversations.

A few questions we’ve had to ask as it relates to this area:

-Am I confusing forgiveness (unconditional) with trust (conditional)?

-Is my lack of trust based on my past, my insecurities, my fear or my worries?

-Are the trust issues in this relationship based on broken trust by the other person? If so, do you have a plan to restore trust? Is it reasonable, attainable and have a timeframe?

-Is the person you have trouble trusting aware of your struggle or do they just experience the symptoms of your struggle?

-Are you creating a self-fulfilling prophesy by not trusting someone who is actually trustworthy?

For us, there is not greater currency in our a relationship than trust. You can’t experience intimacy without it. These questions help navigate the giving and receiving of your relationship’s most precious asset…trust.

We are committed to intimacy in our marriage. There are many threats to intimacy…a lack of trust is the most dangerous.

Hopefully, if you struggle with trust in a friendship; with a family member or spouse these questions will help you re-discover trust and in the process find intimacy.

 

If you like this post, Click here to download our free e-book, 8 Things that Destroyed Our Marriage

5 Barriers to Oneness In Marriage

Today, we’re honored to have a guest post from our friend, Scott Kedersha.

Scott is the Director of Premarital Ministry at Watermark Community Church in Dallas, Texas, where he leads a premarried ministry called Merge.


Merge is designed to give engaged and seriously dating couples a unique opportunity to learn, seek biblical wisdom, and receive Christ-centered counsel about marriage in a safe, fun, challenging and authentic environment. 

 

The wedding day is usually one of the greatest days in a couple’s lives. As they stand before their guests and before the Lord, most couples anticipate a blessed and joyful future together. They stand at the altar and share their vows, and neither plan for divorce nor expect their marriage to be miserable.

Why is the divorce rate what it is? Statistics vary from source to source, but we all know that the divorce rate is high both inside and outside the church (maybe not nearly as high as we often hear and quote – see this article from Shaunti Feldhahn).

So what happens between the ideal at the altar and the reality of marriage for many couples? This week in Merge, we discussed barriers to strong marriages. While there are many obstacles to oneness, here are five barriers most couples face and how those barriers can attack our oneness in marriage.

1. Selfishness

James 4:1 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?

One characteristic we all share is that we are selfish. Our fights primarily come from the fact that we are self-seeking; not typically because of money, sex, in-laws or unmet expectations – just to name a few. Your quarrels arise from the selfish desires that wage war inside of you and in your relationship. Selfishness will hinder your oneness in every way, every day.

2. Fear of intimacy

Genesis 3:7a Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked.

Adam and Eve go from being naked and unashamed (Genesis 2:25) to hiding in shame (Genesis 3:7). Equally we hide and cover our differences out of fear of getting caught. We believe that if we are discovered then no one will accept us, or – even worse - no one will love us.

The reality is that we have already been ‘discovered.’ Jesus knows everything you’ve done, are doing and will do. Yet, He willingly chooses to love you, to the point of dying on the cross for your sins (Philippians 2:5-11). If we understand the gospel, then we are free to be open and intimate with each other in marriage.

3. Laziness and apathy

1 John 4:10 In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

Over time in marriage, we can become passive and choose not to pursue one another. In many ways, this is a veiled form of selfishness when we choose our own desires and check out of the relationship. We become passive in our relationship and just quit caring.

Love, on the other hand, is self-giving and active, not lazy and apathetic.

4. Ignorance

The fact is, we just don’t know how to be married well! We don’t have good models of marriage in friends, parents, and society, so we don’t know how to pursue each other. Take some steps on the premarried side to prepare for marriage, or if you are already married, get equipped through classes, a community group, or something likere|engage.

5. A poor understanding of the gospel and forgiveness

Ephesians 4:32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

When you commit to each other until ‘death do us part,’ you commit to stick together no matter what challenges and struggles come your way. When things are “better, richer, and marked by health,” it’s easy. On the other hand, when life is “worse, poorer, and marked by sickness,” you will be tempted to bail and look for the way out.

Rather, do for your spouse what God did for you in Jesus. Forgive one another as God in Christ forgave you. (See Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13, Matthew 18:21-35)

I resonate with ALL FIVE of these barriers.

All five have been, and some currently are, challenges in my life. The biggest one I face on a daily basis is selfishness. I am the most selfish person I know, and consistently have to battle my selfish desires. Philippians 2:5-11 is the passage I go back to as I look at the example of Jesus. Christ put our needs before Himself. In the same way, I can follow His example and put my wife’s desires before my own.

Your Turn:

Which barrier is hurting your relationship? Can you think of other barriers to intimacy that prevent us from truly loving and serving each other?

A Battle You Must Fight

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.  E.E. Cummings

More than anything else your wife needs you to be you today.

More than anything else your husband needs you to be you today.

More than anyone else, your friends love you for you.

More than anyone else your kids want you to be you today.

Being you will not come natural. Being you will not come easy. Being you will not feel like the best choice. Being you is vulnerable. Being you is risky. Being you is exactly who you need to be.

There is this fear we all live with that who we are…what we bring to the table won’t be enough.  We won’t be enough to satisfy our husband’s expectations. We won’t be enough to fulfill what we think our wife needs. We aren’t that good of a friend. We don’t have what it takes as a parent.

So rather than fight to be ourselves, we give into the lie that we’d be need to pretend to be someone we’re not…because that is what everyone wants.

You are The Beloved.

You are The Redeemed.

You are The Set Apart

You are The Image of God.

Fight today.

Fight to be you.

Fight to be all that God created you to be.

It’s not only what your wife needs…it’s what you need. You being you isn’t just what your husband needs, it’s what you need. Being nobody today but yourself will have to be a choice you make.

Choose it.

Nobody else can be you.

IF:Gathering Podcast

If you haven’t heard, there is a movement arising across our country of women that are passionately pursuing God and seeking to honor Him with their lives. IF:Gathering and Jennie Allen are leading this revival. It has been awesome to have a front row seat to God’s leading with IF.

We sat down with Jennie a few weeks ago and share our heart on the IF:Podcast.

If you aren’t familiar with IF, we want to encourage you to check them out. You can be a part of a daily, FREE Bible study over at IF:Equip.

Get ONE MONTH of MentorUs FREE

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We’ve never done this before.

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One of the things we’ve learned about our marriage is that we don’t drift into awesome…we drift into average.  But we don’t have to settle for mediocre in the relationship that matters most.

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Over 900 couples have gone through this 12 month MentorUs course and they have not only improved their marriage, they’ve seen God transform their heart.

It isn’t a magic pill or secret formula…MentorUs gives you tools to grow in your marriage and encouragement along the way from people that are on the journey with you.

MentorUs is a done-for-you marriage resource that is delivered to your inbox every week.  Forgiveness, sexual intimacy, finances, parenting, priorities, are just a few of the twelve different lessons through out the course.

Each email comes with a lesson, some Scripture to read with your spouse and three or four discussion questions to talk through with your spouse.

No more awkward silence on date nights! You’ll have something to talk about.

If you’d like to receive an ENTIRE month of MentorUs totally free, just fill out the form below. That’s it!

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Enjoy your free month of MentorUs!

Fill out the ONE question below, enter your name and email and hit SUBMIT.












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3 Things I’d Say to You On Your Wedding Day

I had the honor of performing a wedding on Saturday. I love being able to share in a couple’s special day. As I was giving the message during the ceremony, I spoke about 3 things that have helped Trisha and I journey together and love each other more today than we did the day we got married. We obviously haven’t always gotten these right, but they are the foundation to the marriage we have today.

As I was driving home I thought about how simple and obvious the things I shared are. They aren’t rocket science. But as broken and imperfect human beings they are really hard to live out. My guess is even if you have been married for a while, these will be obvious to read, but maybe not so obvious in your marriage. I truly believe that making a decision to do these three things changes the entire climate of your marriage. Here’s the advice I gave them (and you and me):

1. Pursue each other.

Life will distract you. It will get busy and stressful and when kids come into the picture it will get even more so. What brought you to the place of wanting to spend the rest of your life with your spouse was your commitment to pursue each other. Don’t forget to talk together, to laugh together, to go out on dates, to prioritize each other. Don’t stop doing these things just because you are married. Love grows as we pursue our spouse.

2. Forgive Quickly:

There is nothing that limits a marriage’s ability to grow than built up resentment. You will be tempted to hold a grudge. You will be tempted to get even by being bitter, but fight against that temptation. There is something amazing that happens when grace is extended in a relationship…intimacy is restored. I want to encourage you to forgive quickly.

3. Be Patient with each other.

Change is a process and not an event. There will be times that you will be so frustrated when the clothes are next to the hamper instead of in the hamper. There will be times when the check book isn’t balanced. You will want more than anything the power to change the other person. But the truth is you don’t have the capacity to change the other person…so be patient as God changes them. Be slow to anger. You will show your love for one another as you demonstrate patience.

Trust vs. Fear

Our story would lend one to think that I have a right to live in constant fear that Justin will have another affair.

Or that Justin should fear that one day I would eventually leave him because of his choices.

This type of fearful thinking is so destructive. There is no doubt that trust had to be re-earned…but at some point for our relationship to move forward, trust had to overtake fear.

Fear says that you will not survive the heartbreak of losing your spouse so live with suspicion so  you can catch him/her when they mess-up.

Fear robs. Fear steals. Fear destroys. Fear causes us to control; to manipulate; to be suspecious.

Trust says…

I am fully aware that in trusting I’m being vulnerable to being hurt (again).

Trust says…

“I am for you” and “I am thinking the best of you”… not the worst.

Trust says…

I’m gong to love my spouse with reckless abandonment just as Jesus did for me when he died on the cross.

Trust says…

I will love my spouse without fear but with hope that the Holy Spirit will guide me as to how to love my spouse.

Trust says…

“God I will love my spouse fearlessly thinking the best of them at all times” and “if my spouse fails me YOU will never leave me or forsake me.”

Maybe you’re trying to accomplish through fear what can only be accomplished through trust.

Maybe the distance between the marriage you have and the marriage you truly desire is found in the difference in you being fearful or you trusting.

5 Things Every Husband Needs From His Wife

On Tuesday, Trish wrote a post entitled, 4 Things Every Wife Needs from Her Husband. I wanted to follow her post up with a list for us guys. I am listing five things below that every husband needs from his wife not to one-up my wife, but to demonstrate that men are more needy than women.

I know there are more things to add to this list, but these are five things I think every husband needs from his wife.

1. Loyalty

Trish is the most loyal person I’ve ever met. The definition of loyal is “faithful”. She is faithful to God. She is faithful to her beliefs. She is faithful to her commitments. She is faithful to her vows. Often at the expense of her own feelings, desires and goals, she is loyal. The byproduct of loyalty is trust. I trust her. Every word she says I believe. Because of her loyalty I have never not trusted her. Every husband needs a loyal wife. 

2. Encouragement

As guys, we underestimate our desire and need for encouragement. We think we can perform our way to encouragement. The reality is, ladies, when you offer us unsolicited encouragement it is fuel to our heart and seeps deep down in our soul. Your encouragement will inspire and empower us way more than reprimands and reminders of all we haven’t done.

In my darkest of times, in my lowest moments, Trish has a spirit of encouragement that lifts my head and helps my heart. Every husband needs an encouraging wife. It is a marriage changer. 

3. Sex

I wanted to put this as number one on the list, but I wanted wives to at least read part of the post. If you know our story, Trisha writes a lot about the different ways she got this wrong during the first ten years of our marriage. Over the last nine years, she has done her best to understand God’s vision and purpose for sex, and understand my need and desire for sex. Her willingness to lean into this area of our marriage has completely changed the dynamic of our relationship. Every husband needs their wife to pursue them sexually. 

4. Common Interests

We hear couples talk all the time about not having anything in common. Trisha has done an amazing job of making sure that will never happen. From the early years of our marriage till this very day, Trish has taken interest in what I am interested in. She watches sports with me. She understands basketball and knows players on different teams. It has meant so much to me over the years that she loves something because I love it. It has done wonders in her relationship with our boys too. Every husband needs a wife that loves something simply because he loves it.

5. Prayer

Trisha prays for me. She has read different entries of her journal to me at times and one thing that always stands out to me is her intentionality in praying for me. I don’t think we would be married today if she hadn’t prayed for me for the past 19 years. Prayer has allowed her to be faithful. Prayer has given her the right word of encouragement.  Prayer has given her a sexual desire for me. Prayer has allowed her to be selfless and put other’s interest ahead of her own. Prayer has changed her heart to love me and forgive me when both seemed impossible to do. Every husband needs their wife to pray for them.

Those are my top five…what would you add to the list?

 

4 Things Every Wife Needs From Her Husband

I (Trisha) was 20-years old when Justin and I got married. I was deeply in love with this gorgeous man that asked me to be forever his. He was strong, funny, smart (did I say gorgeous?) and most attractive of all-he had a passion for the Lord.

As we approach our 19th wedding anniversary, I can’t believe how much we’ve changed, how much our family has changed and yet how much has stayed the same. From the moment I first met Justin, I knew when he loved something he loved it with all that he had. Basketball and Michael Jordan were some of his first loves. When he fell in love with me it was no different, he went “all out” in some of the most insane ways!

This leads me to the first of four things that every wife needs from her husband:

1. Pursuit

One of the things that made me fall in love with Justin was the way he pursued me. In college he drove three hours to my hometown just to bring me a gift and we weren’t even dating. When he proposed to me, although it didn’t quite go as he planned, every detail had me in mind.

I seriously could write for hours about the insane ways this man has pursued me but here is my point. It wasn’t just about what he was doing to pursue me but that he was simply pursuing me. When seasons of our marriage got hard Justin would choose to pursue me and in doing so, built a sacred trust. This kind of trust communicates to your wife that no one else on the planet can fill the role your wife does. When you pursue your wife you allow her to know that you value her and who she is matters. Pursuit keeps love alive. 

2. Prayer

Guys, I know you are probably rolling your eyes… it’s okay. I can take it; but seriously read this. Maybe you’re at a place where you feel like you can never do enough, say enough or provide enough to make your wife happy. A lot of husbands feel that way…and prayer changes that!

When you take the time to pray for your wife God will bring the craziest things to your mind. He will prompt you to say things, do things and provide things that you could never dream up on your own. He knows your wife better than anyone else so when you choose to pray for her you are allowing Him the opportunity to give you intimate details of your wife’s heart.

If you really want to get wild and crazy pray with her! Trust me it changes a lot more than you think. When you pray with your wife and allow her to pour her heart out to God you are building sacred trust. When you pray over her you create a moment of intimacy, which means to be fully known. Prayer is the pathway to intimacy. There’s nothing more attractive to your wife than a trustworthy husband that knows her intimately emotionally, spiritually and physically.

3. Engagement

Have you ever been in a meeting where a person is talking, and talking and talking that you just stop listening? This happens in marriage all the time. Regardless if you’re a stay-at-home parent, neurosurgeon or pastor we all have daily commitments that demand our time and attention. We have our electronics, social media and TV shows. We have countless volunteer opportunities to  serve other people. It’s easy to get distracted.

What becomes dangerous in a marriage is when we become hard of hearing from all the noise of our jam-packed life and we stop listening to those who matter the most. There will always be this tension to engage with the right people and the right things. It’s a balancing act. You have to daily choose to be engaged with your wife or other people and things will distract you. We give our attention to what matters most to us. Show your wife she matters.

4.  Leadership

Leadership isn’t about being on a power trip or having all the answers. I love what Paul writes about leadership.

1 Corinthians 11:3 (ESV)  3 But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

Your wife doesn’t need you to be a perfect leader. Your wife needs you to lead with the knowledge that you are a part of a sacred relationship with Jesus at the center of your life and love. God has given you the gift of Holy Spirit to HELP guide you. God’s leadership plan isn’t about authority for the sake of authority; but rather learning to lead with a selfless love in which those with whom He has in trusted you will also want to be a part of this sacred relationship. 

Those are four things that I know I need from my husband. What would you add to the list?

Fly A Little Higher

As a parent of three boys one of my greatest fears has been losing one of my kids. Cancer, car accident, medical condition…each possibility has crossed my mind more than I care to admit.

When we received FLY A LITTLE HIGHER in the mail, my first thought was, “I’m not sure I want to read a book about a boy, my son’s age, dying of cancer.”

This book is much more abut life than it is about death.

FLY A LITTLE HIGHER takes readers deeper into one of the country’s most heart-stirring stories in recent memory, into the home and lives of the Sobiech family – Rob and Laura, and their children Alli, Sam, Zach, and Grace. With tremendous warmth, hard-earned wisdom, and candor, Laura celebrates, grieves, and offers inspiration not only to other parents facing the death of a child, but to everyone in all seasons of life determined to live joyfully and in the present.

Ultimately, FLY A LITTLE HIGHER is also true to its title – a window into an intimate prayer that was fulfilled in ways the prayer’s speaker could never have imagined: “Okay, Lord, you can have Zach,” Laura writes. “I want him, but you see a bigger picture. If Zach must die, please just let it be for something big. I want it to be for something big. Just one soul changed forever.”

This book is a reminder that it isn’t how or when we die that ultimately matters, but it is how we live that will be remembered. I highly recommend you pick up a copy of FLY A LITTLE HIGHER and check out the book trailer below.

Buy FLY A LITTLE HIGHER here