Justin Davis's Blog, page 13

February 24, 2014

A Fight You Must Have In Marriage

There is a huge lie that infiltrates all marriages. For years, we bought this lie hook, line and sinker. We thought the things we struggled with, the arguments we had and the issues we faced, were unique to us.


My guess is you’ve experienced this same feeling. You feel like what you struggle with, no one else struggles with. The arguments you have, the feelings you feel, the fears you face are unique to you. Don’t buy that lie. Don’t make the mistake of isolating yourself because you believe no one could possibly understand; because the truth is, couples have dealt with the same issues before, and some have even come out stronger on the other side.


What you need to know is that you are not alone. The things you deal with, everyone deals with. The problems you have, everyone has. The question you’ll have to answer is when you experience problems, issues and conflict, how will you respond?


A few weeks ago, I was having lunch with a friend who was having some problems in his marriage. He began to walk me through their issues, and they weren’t unique or different or unsolvable. They were real and they were serious, but not exclusive to their relationship. At one point in our conversation, I said to my friend, “What you need to do is fight for your marriage. You are more willing to fight for your career than you are committed to fighting for your marriage.” He replied, “It’s easier to fight with her, than it is to fight for her.”


If I can encourage you to do anything, it’s to fight for your marriage, whatever the cost. Great marriages don’t just happen. You have to fight for it. Marriages drift. Intimacy leaks. Romance fades. You have to fight for these things. What I have seen in my own marriage and in the marriage of so many others is exactly what my friend admitted: often it is easier for us to fight for things in our life that mean so much less than our spouse:



We fight for our career
We fight for a bigger house or nicer car
We fight for the approval of others
We fight for that promotion
We fight for our status
We fight for a business deal

It’s so easy to get consumed with life, to spend the best hours of our day fighting for the things that won’t matter in the end. Somewhere along the way, the person that means the most to us gets the least amount of care from us. It will be easier to fight with them, than it will be to fight for themKeep fighting.


Your wife needs you to fight for her. Your husband needs you to fight for him.


If you want a great marriage, you have to fight for it. If you want to experience intimacy and to be known by your spouse, you will have to fight for it. If you want the marriage you promised to have on the day you said, “I do,” it won’t just happen, you will have to fight for it.


Today, be reminded that God is fighting for you. He is fighting for your spouse. He is fighting for your marriage…every step of the way.

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Published on February 24, 2014 06:19

February 18, 2014

Registration Now Open for RefineUs Weekend Experience

RefineUs Weekend


Join us for a weekend in Nashville!
Registration  is now open on our BRAND NEW WEB SITE for our next RefineUs Weekend Experience.

Each previous RefineUs Weekends have sold out, and we only have 7 spots remaining for our next RefineUs Weekend, June 6-8, 2014.


Here are a few things that make this weekend distinctive:



Each experience is reserved for only 10 couples
Focused one on one time as a couple is key to the power of this weekend
Safe, small and supportive environment with interaction, discussion and extended conversations
Shared meals, question and answer times and other opportunities to connect.

The great news is that this event is going to be small, intimate and personal.


The bad news is that this event is limited to 10 couples.


If you are interested in attending, register today. The early bird pricing expires on May 1st. We are doing everything we can to make this an extraordinary, super-practical and life changing experience.


For more info, and to watch a video invitation, check out our new web site: RefineUs Weekend Experience

 

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Published on February 18, 2014 03:00

February 15, 2014

Valentine’s Week Relationship Series: Lindsey Nobles

Today’s post is from one of our best friends, Lindsey Nobles. Lindsey works for an organization called . Lindsey has the gift of seeing God’s best in others and encouraging them to live out their dreams. She has certainly done that for us over the past four years.


Follow Lindsey:


On Twitter: @lindseynobles


Blog: lindseynobles.com


Facebook: Facebook.com/lindseynobles


Valentine's Day


Am I content with being single?


That’s probably a stretch. Probably the right word to describe my feelings on singleness is conflicted. That’s right, I am conflicted about being single.


content


All in all, my life is good. My life is full, overflowing in fact. But it’s hard too, you know?


conflict


There are mornings when I am thankful for the solitude of living alone. There are days when I am thankful for the ability to say yes to trips, to building dreams, to where I am feeling called, without having to slow down and wait for a spouse to get onboard.


And there are days when I yearn for someone to stand up for me and yell, “no” to all the demands and directions life seems to pull me in.  There are evenings when I long for quiet companionship, a man to change the hard to reach light bulb on the front porch, someone to challenge me when I start listening to the lies.


Yep, I’m conflicted.


I don’t think God created us to live life alone. So I have people. A gazillion people. Too many people trying to fill the vacuum created by the lack of “the one” who got down on bended knee, “the one” who said “I do” to the idea of spending life side by side forever, “the one” who changed my name and made me finally feel known.


And I don’t think God wants us to substitute “the one” for Him.  I see so many who naively idolize their present or future spouse. Human love is no substitute for perfect love.


God is the one who knows us inside and out.  God is the one who chooses us for eternity. God is the one who changes our names, calls us “beloved”, and makes beauty out of our ashes. No man can “complete me” {so there Jerry Maquire}, Christ completes me.


And maybe, just maybe, the contentment will come someday. But for now, I’ll try to rest in Truth and the tensions of being 30-something and single.

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Published on February 15, 2014 03:00

February 14, 2014

Valentine’s Week Relationship Series: Joy Eggerichs

Happy Valentine’s Day!


Today’s guest post is from our friend, Joy Eggerichs. Joy is the Director of Love and Respect Now, serving her generation of 18-35 year olds with practical relationship insights she has learned from her parents, Dr. Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs, founders of Love and Respect Ministries. Through writing and speaking, Joy is bridging the gap between generations and helping her peers think about relationships now, as opposed to 20 years into marriage.


Joy is supper funny and also loves unicorns. She is worth a follow!


Follow Joy on Instagram: Love and Respect Now


Follow Joy on Twitter: @loveandrespectnow


Follow Joy on Facebook: Facebook.com/Loveandrespectnow


Check out: Love and Respect Now


Valentine's Day


Many of us actually love to hate this day. And I get it. All this love in our faces, flowers galore, chocolate flowing forth, cards that say nice things, etc., etc.


Wait. I just reread that last sentence. Why do we love to hate this day?


The reality is, many of us feel forgotten, foolish, and frustrated.**


Expectations too high.


Expectations not met.


Love not reciprocated.


Reminders of love long gone.***


Whatever you deal with today, here is my challenge:


MAKE LOVE TODAY.

Whaaaaaa?! Joy, I’m telling your parents.


Look, if this day brings you disappointment, loneliness, or pain, don’t approach it with dread or disdain.** There are plenty of other days for stuff like that. (For instance, Canada’s Boxing Day.) Today, choose to remember that there are other people out there who are lonely, hurting, and desperate to feel like someone cares about them.


Make love a reality for them.

It seems almost impossible to give or create feelings of love when we feel starved of it ourselves. But I’ve shared multiple times that one of the most transformative times in my life was when I was on the brink of serious depression and my father challenged me to serve and give in the midst of my feeling unable to give anything.


Through some pretty tough seasons, I now believe God can work with our willingness, even in the midst of our brokenness.


So today I’m going to ask God how I can make love a reality for someone. I pray that He opens my eyes, and I pray that you will trust Him to open yours, too.


Literally. He’s going to have to open my eyes. Otherwise I’m gonna be passed out in this beach-bed all day.


From my heart,


Joy


*Maybe


**Alliteration station


***Try to say those last three words five times fast.


Question:

What are some tangible ways you can give love away today?


 

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Published on February 14, 2014 03:00

February 13, 2014

Valentine’s Week Relationship Series: Jennifer Smith

Today’s post is from our friend, Jennifer Smith. Jennifer is the founder of Unveiled Wife and the author of the book, Wife After God. She has been a huge supporter of our ministry and we are honored to have her share today.


Read Jennifer’s Blog: Unveiled Wife


Follow Jennifer on Twitter: Unveiled Wife


Join her growing community on Facebook: Facebook.com/UnveiledWife


Valentine's Day


The night was cold, but nothing in comparison to the frigid temperatures of my heart towards my husband.  I slid into bed, quickly turning my back to him as I closed my eyes and closed myself off from him.  Every night was beginning to look the same, cold and quiet.


The conflicts we had been encountering in our relationship were adding up and the pressure seemed unbearable.  I retreated into the dark and lonely place of isolation where I rejected my husband and avoided God, angry at the way things were unfolding.  Bitterness and pride kept me in the cold.


As February approached I dreaded having to spend the month of love with my husband.  My marriage was not satisfying and I just wanted to escape.  I began preparing for a “girls-only” weekend trip to visit my friend in New York.  In my heart I was excited to leave the pain I was facing in marriage, hopeful to experience a change of scenery.


However, as the date of departure grew closer my family heard of my plans to get away and could not resist the urge to join me.  They even talked my husband into coming.  As much as I wanted to go by myself, there was a part of my heart that was thankful, knowing I would have accountability…so I never said no to their request to join.


That weekend in New York could have otherwise resulted in catastrophic damage had I gone alone.


The truth is that spending time with my husband in the Big City actually stimulated our relationship, giving us something to enjoy as we ventured it together.  I realized that weekend what I thought I would have much rather enjoyed without my husband was just an illusion; a lie I believed, and if I had followed through with, could have further added to the discontentment I was experiencing in my marriage.


That weekend still stands out as a highlight for me and my husband, memories we hold very dear.


I want to encourage those of you who may be experiencing discontentment in your marriage…those of you who are desperately seeking a way to escape Valentine’s Day or the month of love so that you do not have to face your marriage or the issues looming.  Hang in there my friend.  I challenge you to stop listening to the lie that being alone is better or that running away will help you, it just isn’t true.


I challenge you to spend time with your spouse and face your marriage right where it is at.


Perhaps you can get away with your spouse, even if for just a day, to a new city or town. Explore together and let your experience stimulate your relationship.  Hold hands and resist the bitterness that will try to repel you from each other.  Talk about the issues that you are encountering in marriage, be honest about your discontentment, and then find a way to overcome it together.


You can be satisfied in your marriage.  I went from being completely discontented to completely fulfilled and I believe you can too! But you must be willing to hang in there even in the most difficult seasons.  Embrace this challenge for Valentine’s Day and see if it radically impacts your marriage like it did mine!

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Published on February 13, 2014 03:00

February 12, 2014

Valentine’s Week Relationship Series: Gary Thomas

Today’s post is from our friend, Gary Thomas. Gary is the author of several books, including one of the best marriage books we’ve ever read, Sacred Marriage. Gary blogs at www.garythomas.com/blog. You can connect with him via Twitter (@garyLthomas) or Facebook.


Valentine's Day


For every story of breath-taking romance and ecstatic sighs on Valentine’s Day, there are two or three stories of crushed expectations. Years ago, USA Today ran some comments from husbands whose holidays didn’t go quite as they had hoped. One husband wrote in, “For Valentine’s day, I decided to take my wife out for a nice romantic dinner, and all she did was complain.  Next time I want to eat at Hooter’s, I’ll go by myself.”


What so many wives and husbands forget is that Valentine’s Day is just one day out of the year (even as I tell premarital couples that the wedding day is still just one day in a lifetime of marriage). If we throw so much energy into that one day, to the neglect of other days, it can actually create as many problems as it solves.


That’s why I think when it comes to marital love, slow and steady beats big and sweaty every time.

A one-time gigantic gesture is tough to top, but if you don’t top it, your spouse may not feel like you’re trying as hard. Just ask Lady Gaga how she thought she could follow-up on that infamous “meat dress,” or coming into another awards ceremony inside an egg. Eventually, you’re going to run out of grand ideas. What people really want is another good song, not a publicity stunt (I’m not saying she has or hasn’t written “good” songs; I’m just trying to use an analogy).


My friend Kevin Harney was at a Promise Keeper’s Conference years ago when the speaker asked every man to make a commitment to love his wife in a very practical way when he got home. Some men stood up and said they were going to wash their wife’s car. Another said he’d be sure to pick up his socks. One said he’d finally get around to installing some new program on his wife’s computer that she had wanted installed for a very long time.


Kevin prayed before he answered and sensed God asking him, “What does Sherri hate doing the most?”


That was easy: making the bed.


“Fine,” Kevin thought, “when I get home, I’ll make the bed for the next five days.”


“That’s not what I meant,” God seemed to reply. “Why not do it every day, and when you do it, pray for her?”


God was asking Kevin to make a lifetime commitment, which he has kept, by the way. In fact, he did the math recently and found out that he is now approaching 6,000 times of making the bed while praying for his wife. He even does this when he’s at a hotel because he doesn’t want to miss the praying-for-his-wife bit.


Intimate marriage isn’t built on the big moments like an over-the-top Valentine’s Day or anniversary celebration. Those can be fun times, but the divorce court is littered with marriages that enjoyed occasional parties amidst a wasteland of otherwise persistent apathy.


To truly grow our love, it’s better to start small and be consistent, rather than try to rescue things with a grand gesture. When you notice a malaise setting into your marriage, or your partner makes you notice it with a theatrical display of discontent, it’s tempting to think you can fix things with one big act of repentance. The problem is, you can’t keep a grand gesture going. Its sweetness fades the further you get from it, making it ring hollow. It even sets up a false expectation: “See, he/she can do something nice.” Ironically, it can even make things worse, for when it doesn’t keep happening, it serves only to highlight the emptiness before and after.


A small act of kindness, repeated daily, will take you much further than a surprising one-time act of generosity. For instance, men, if your wife says “You never notice me” so you take her out to dinner on Valentine’s Day, write out a card with fifty things you appreciate about her, and buy her an extravagant gift, she’ll feel appreciated…for a few hours. If you go right back to where you were, thinking you’ve “taken care of the problem,” you’ll actually be worse off 72 hours later. She’ll resent that you seemed to “get it” but now are deliberately not getting it anymore. On the other hand, if you decide that you’ll take some time to notice your wife for fifty days in a row, mentioning one new thing each day and perhaps following up with a small gesture of kindness four or five days a week, you’ll go much further with your wife than a one-time event could ever accomplish.


Women, if your husband seems starved for sexual affection and you think one special night in a hotel when you plan, primp, and surprise him with your initiative will “satisfy” him for a while, you’re sadly mistaken. All that will do is increase his appetite and make him want it more, which will make him miss its absence more. Far better to be consistent in showing sexual love two or three times a week than to think one grand gesture will “get it out of the way.”


Intimate marriage is about cultivating character—not just your individual character, but the character of your relationship. Character is grown out of small, consistent choices. Choosing to practice kindness, choosing to practice listening, and choosing to pray together turns us into kinder, humbler, more spiritually intimate people and couples. All one grand gesture accomplishes is whetting the appetite for more; it doesn’t satisfy the soul.


Small and steady will get you much further than “big and sweaty” just about every time. Choose something you can do—and keep on doing it.
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Published on February 12, 2014 04:00

February 11, 2014

Valentine’s Week Relaitonship Series: Jenni Clayville

Today’s guest post is from our friend Jenni Clayville. Jenni is on staff at Paseo Church, helps lead the marriage team for Leading and Loving It, and is a marriage coach for RefineUs. Jenni lives in El Paso, TX with her husband Brian and their two boys. (P.S. Jenni and Brian left for Moldova (Eastern Europe) on a mission trip yesterday. Please keep them in your prayers. 


Check out Jenni’s Blog: Jenni Clayville


Follow Jenni on Twitter: @jclayville


Valentine's Day


Valentine’s Day is ridiculous.


Yeah… I said it. It was originally the advent of Spring. In fact, the celebration of Saint Valentine did not have any romantic connotations until Chaucer’s poetry about “Valentines” in the 14th century but today, it’s somehow became a “Hallmark” day. In my opinion, it’s just another overhyped day for us silly consumers.


I think Valentine’s Day is the dumbest day ever… and this is not coming from a single girl.  This is coming from a loved, cherished and romanced woman.  My man loves me and I LOVE him.  However… he knows better than to show up on February 14th with a box of chocolates and a dozen red roses.


Culture and our society have subliminally brainwashed us to believe that without a significant other, we aren’t worthy. In order to reel in a worthy significant other, we must act, react, dress, look, talk, walk, smell, eat, and breathe a certain way. And if you are single, then you have somehow fallen short and are obviously unworthy of the elevated social levels that said significant other gives you.


This is all false.


This is as false as the “happily ever after” you automatically receive once you get married. We were raised with the fairy tale lies that a prince will come to you at your lowest. After meeting you just once, Prince Charming will fall in love with you and pursue you for your hand in marriage come hell or high water. He will fight dragons, your horrible step-mother, and/or global warming for you. And just like that… we grow up and we are disappointed.


For some of us, Prince Charming never comes. For others of us, a version of him shows up… but it takes WORK to make our marriages healthy. Whichever way… fairy tales create false expectations in our lives.


I believe what we’ve done with Valentine’s Day creates those same false expectations. I’ve seen so many couples hate each other for 364 days of the year but take this one day to “romance” each other. Isn’t our goal to seek healthiness in all aspects of our lives? Why do we use this one day in February as our scapegoat? Why do we wait till this one day to romance our beloved.


My challenge to you is this… don’t use Valentine’s Day as your special day like the rest of the world. Be original. Be spontaneous. Be romantic on all the other days of the year. Pursue the things worth pursuing… always.


“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” ~Mark 12:30-31


Pursue your relationship with your Creator. Then learn to pursue your OWN heart. You can’t adequately love someone else if you don’t know how to love yourself first. We must choose love EVERYDAY… not just on February 14th.


How can you show love in a creative way on all the other 364 days of the year?

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Published on February 11, 2014 03:00

February 10, 2014

Valentine’s Week Relationship Series: Ted Lowe

Today’s guest post is from our friend Ted Lowe. Ted leads a ministry called MarriedPeople, which helps churches be strategic about marriage ministry. He and his wife Nancy live in Atlanta, GA.


Check out Ted’s web site: MarriedPeople


Follow Ted on Twitter: @married_people


Valentine's Day


I run a division of a non-profit, Orange, called MarriedPeople. Every day I’m slammed with Facebook ads, Twitter ads, Google ads, email ads of really great people and organizations telling me what I MUST do if my organization is going to thrive. I’m a learner by nature, plus I’m ADHD. That is a deadly combination when it comes to social media. I’m afraid if I don’t read what the subject line or flashing symbol says I must, I might miss out on learning something important.


Perhaps the most compelling or alluring ads are not actually ads at all. They’re some of my friends on social media. I have some pretty impressive friends. They seem to be on vacation . . . a lot . . . in places most people can’t afford. Their kids receive awards . . . a lot . . . always followed with #proudmama and/or daddy. Their family photos are perfect . . . a lot . . . no bedheads and no frowning faces. I have been guilty of all of the above.


I’ve been guilty of putting on what I call Facebook Face.

Facebook Face is only highlighting the awesomeness of our lives. The great news about Facebook Face is that, a lot of the times, it is very positive in a world that isn’t very positive, because most of us only post the “good” stuff. The downside of Facebook Face is that it makes those we have tagged as friends and family wonder if they’re the only ones:



Who had to skip vacation this year due to budget constraints.
Who had a very difficult meeting with their child’s teacher.
Who strategically placed a piece of furniture or child in front of them so high school classmates don’t say, “Wow, __________ has put on some WEEEEEIGHT!

Maybe we should start a new social media platform called Freed Up—Facebook for people who promise to post reality. Come on, who’s in? We could make so much money we could all go on vacation, pay tutors and hire personal trainers.


That may not happen anytime soon, so until then, can I just say, beware of Facebook Face. As the late, great, Mike Yaconelli said, “Don’t compare what you know about yourself with what you don’t know about someone else.” Comparing never leads to contentment. Perhaps we should write Second Corinthians 10:12a on a Post-it Note and slap it on our computer:


“We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. ”

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Published on February 10, 2014 03:00

February 9, 2014

Valentine’s Week Relationship Series

Valentine's DayValentine’s Day is a pretty big deal.

No matter if you are married or single, in a relationship or just coming out of a relationship, you can’t escape February 14th.


You want to know how big of a deal Valentine’s Day is? Last year, just in the United States we spent 17.6 billion (WITH a  B) on Valentine’s Day. That is a lot of dead flowers, candy and teddy bears.


Relationships are a big deal here at RefineUs. We want to pour into your relationship with God so you’ll be more prepared to pour into your relationship with your spouse or significant other. That is our heart.


To help us celebrate Valentine’s Day, we’ve invited some of our friends to share their relationship wisdom with us this week. Make sure you engage in conversation, share their posts and come back each day for a new post.


Here is the schedule for the week:


Monday:  Ted LoweMarried People


Tuesday: Jenni Clayville-Leading and Loving It


Wednesday: Gary Thomas, Author of Sacred Marriage & The Sacred Search


Thursday: Jennifer Smith-Unveiled Wife, Author of Wife After God


Friday: Joy Eggerichs: Love and Respect Now,


Saturday: Lindsey Nobles: Feed the Children


What I love about this list is that it represents a variety of different ages, stages of life and experience. It is going to be a very good week as we prepare for the most romantic (and overly commercialized) days of the year.


Tune in tomorrow as we kick off this Valentine’s Week series!
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Published on February 09, 2014 16:40

February 6, 2014

One Thing God Can’t Do

It feels weird saying out loud that God can’t do something. That kinda goes against what I was brought up to believe about God.


God creates things from nothing.


God parts Red Seas


God heals the sick.


God brings dead things back to life.


God can do anything…right?

Anything is possible with God.

God is all-powerful.


Those things are true…but there are limitations on God’s power.


There are several things God can’t do.


He can’t be unjust.


He can’t be unloving.


Love and justice are in his nature.


He can’t sin. That goes against his character.


There is another thing that God can’t do. God can’t heal a part of our heart we are unwilling to give Him. 


It’s why Judas could spend three years with Jesus and still allow greed to corrupt his heart. It’s why the rich young ruler walked away sad even though he’d kept all of the commandments…there was a part of his heart he refused to give to God.


Just like Jesus won’t force himself into our salvation, he won’t force himself into our transformation.


It’s why I could spend 10 years as a pastor and at the very same time live with a porn addiction.


Was God not powerful enough to heal me from that? Absolutely!


He just wouldn’t heal a part of my heart I refused to give to him. I thought I could heal it on my own.


Maybe you’re in a dry season in your relationship with God. Maybe you’re exhausted over money troubles and mounting debt. Maybe you have lost hope that a relationship can be restored. Maybe you’ve stopped believing your marriage could ever change.


You’ve gone to church. You’ve prayed the prayers. You’ve put your time in….God just isn’t showing up. God just isn’t coming through.


God can’t heal a part of your marriage you refuse to give to him. God can’t heal a part of your past you refuse to give to him. God can’t provide for you financially if you refuse to give him your finances. God can’t heal a relationship you’ve not surrendered to him.


What does that look like?


The journey is different for all of us, but the starting line is the same. The staring place for the transformation you’re missing is a simple but life altering prayer:


“God change me. Change all of me…the parts of me that are visible and the parts me I keep hidden. Change all of me.” 


Does God have the power to transform you? Absolutely. But what He needs most is permission.
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Published on February 06, 2014 09:00