Justin Davis's Blog, page 16

Saving Your Sanity While Visiting Family

We have great intentions going into the holidays. We romanticize time with family and truly believe those things that bother us at other times during the year aren’t going to bother us as much because it is Thanksgiving or Christmas.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. For many of us, we are surprised every single year that our family visit wasn’t as fulfilling as we thought it would be.

Holidays used to be really hard on our marriage. Some of our biggest arguments would come on our way to or on our way home from Thanksgiving or Christmas with family.

Unmet expectations. Unspoken expectations. Little patience. Harsh tones of voices. Short fuses. Those are some phrases that described us as we spent holidays with extended family.

When our marriage imploded and we began to address some of our own dysfunction we came up with a few things that have helped us not just survive time with extended family, but truly enjoy it.

As you prepare to spend some time with people that you love but may be EGR (extra grace required) people, consider these sanity saving suggestions:

1. Give up your need to fix your (or your spouse’s) family.

I think all of us have this unspoken belief that we are the only normal ones in our family. Everyone else in our family is broken and we can fix them. We can fix how they parent their kids. We can fix how they spend their money. We can fix their marriage problems. We can fix their singleness and dating problems. We can fix them.

The truth is you can’t and it isn’t your job to fix your family. It’s your job to love your family. Everyone will have a better holiday season and you will keep your sanity  if you love your family and don’t try to fix them.

2. Give your spouse grace as they spend time with their respective families. 

Both Trish and I had such high expectations of one another as we’d visit family. We expected each other to react perfectly; to parent perfectly; to always say the right thing; to have it all together all the time. The reality is that the family we both go home to now is different than the family we grew up with. So giving each other grace to navigate some of those differences communicates that we are a team and not enemies. Your holiday gatherings will be so much better laced with grace.

3. Cherish the time you get to spend with family. 

We have two Thanksgivings and Christmases together before our oldest son graduates high school. That sucks. I allowed too many holidays to go by without savoring the time. I want to take in every moment.

We aren’t guaranteed time; it is on loan to us. I want to cherish the time I spend with family. When we treat the time we spend with our spouse’s family as valuable, it shows that them we value them.

These are 3 things that won’t give you a perfect Thanksgiving or Christmas visit. But I’m pretty sure they will save your sanity as you spend extended time with people you love.

We are so thankful for you and hope you have a great week.

How do you survive family dynamics during the holidays? 

 

In Sickness and In Health

I (Justin) am a wimp when it comes to all things related to illness. I hate being sick. I don’t like being around people who are sick. I hate hospitals and doctors offices. I throw up at the sight, sound or smell of vomit. I am not a good person to have near you when you are not feeling well.

Trish is just the opposite. She is sympathetic and nurturing and once caught vomit from a kid in her hands to save it from going on our couch. She is amazing.

For years our marriage struggled when someone was sick. The way we approached illness just put us on different pages. We would often get in arguments or someone would get hurt feelings all over how one of us responded when the other was sick.

Yesterday, Trish had surgery and was admitted to the hospital for a planned and somewhat routine procedure. She came through the surgery well and will take about 3 weeks to recover, but it got me thinking about some adjustments we’ve made in our marriage to help us stay connected when navigating sickness.

Here are three things to keep in mind as you attempt to live out “in sickness and in health.”

1. Speak their illness language.

When Trish is sick, she wants to be left alone and not bothered. She doesn’t want to be taken care of or nurtured. She wants to sleep and not be interrupted. She likes isolation when she is not feeling well. When I am sick, I want to be pampered and loved on and taken care of. I want to be the center of attention and checked on often.

When we first got married, I tried to take care of Trish the way that I like to be taken care of. That didn’t work out well. When I would get sick she’d disappear and never check on me…which is how she likes to be treated when she’s sick. That crushed me.

Learn how your spouse likes to be treated when they are sick and treat them the way they want to be treated not the way you like to be treated when you’re sick.

2. Go beyond what is comfortable.

I hate hospitals. I have a phobia that they are going to hear me cough or look at me and see that I have a disease that they need to admit me to treat. So I don’t like hospitals. But when I was at the hospital with Trish, I am not acting paranoid or nervous. I chose to go beyond my comfort zone and not make her surgery about me.

Marriage isn’t a place for selfish people. Sometimes you have to go beyond what is comfortable for you to serve the needs of your spouse. I definitely don’t always get this right, but the last thing I want to do is make Trish feel guilty for having surgery.

3. Ask for help.

There have been times when our kids were younger and one or two of them were sick or Trish or I were sick and life got stressful and tense. Trish and I would try to do everything ourselves and not ask anyone for help. We’d be exhausted, we’d take out our exhaustion and frustration on each other and wound each other in the process. Then a week later we’d tell a friend how hard those few days were and they’d say, “Why didn’t you call, I would have brought you a meal, watched your kids, done your laundry…etc.”

Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness. It is a sign of wisdom and humility. We weren’t meant to do life alone. When you ask others for help you give them an opportunity to serve you as you try to serve your family. Be willing to ask for help.

“In sickness and in health” isn’t always easy…but it is possible.

The Most Important Question

It’s no secret that life has been pretty hectic for us over the past few months. Our travel schedule has been full, our kids’ sports season is in full swing, life has been busy.

In a moment of quiet a few days ago, I felt God prompt me with this question: “Am I enough for you?”

It’s easy for me value God’s “presents” more than I value his “presence.” I can easily be more concerned with what God can give me than I am with simply who he is. I place expectations on him. I give ultimatums. I hold him hostage to my plans and dreams.

I say that Jesus is enough. But is he truly enough or do I desire the things he gives me more than I desire him?

If everything else goes away…is Jesus enough?

If your marriage never gets any better…is Jesus enough?
If you don’t get that promotion…is Jesus enough?
If you lose your house…is Jesus enough?
If that friendship is never reconciled…is Jesus enough?
If you lose your job…is Jesus enough?
If you never get remarried…is Jesus enough?
If that dream you’ve been dreaming for years doesn’t come true…is Jesus enough?
If he never says he’s sorry…is Jesus enough?
If she doesn’t choose you…is Jesus enough?
If the person that means the most to you causes you the most pain…is Jesus enough?
If everything and everyone goes away…is Jesus enough?

Is Jesus enough? I want the answer to be yes and maybe that is the place to start.

The truth about me, and probably the truth about you is that most of the time, Jesus isn’t enough…until He’s all you have.

Then, He is more than you could ever imagine.

We’ve Never Done This Before…

It’s always been hard for me to ask for help but I’m going to right now…

When Trish and I made the decision to start RefineUs Ministries our greatest desire was to help people. We wanted to leverage our story and experience to help others have an extraordinary marriage.

In January, we felt God leading us to launch this ministry full time. For the past eleven months we’ve been traveling and speaking and sharing with as many people as possible the amazing vision God has for their marriage.

With any new venture or ministry there are things that go way better than you imagine and others that are more challenging. As we approach the end of the year, the financial challenges of a new full time ministry are real and sometimes discouraging.

As we plan for 2014, our desire is to continue to lead RefineUs full time & it honestly takes a little bit of sales from our resources & t-shirts to cover expenses in between our speaking engagements.

Here is my ask…

Over the next 72 hours I’m putting together a deal for you that will help your marriage while at the same time support our ministry.

We’re bundling our 52-Week MentorUs Marriage enricher with our book and ANY style of our new t-shirts.

Bundle #1: MentorUs plus our book Beyond ordinary for $59. You save 25% off of our regular price.

Bundle #2: MentorUs, our book Beyond Ordinary and 2 t-shirts of your choice for $99. This is 35% off.

We are also offering a very special, limited Exclusive Bundle: Everything from Bundle #2, plus a one hour, personal one on one Skype/Phone Call Marriage coaching call.

There are only 10 of these spots available and the cost is $189. (Value of $239)

It would mean the world to us if you would support our ministry today & we will give you 52 weeks of help for your marriage in return.

This sale only lasts this week. Pick your bundle below to support our ministry and sign up for MentorUs.

The money you invest in your marriage will not only go to help your marriage…you will help us continue to invest in thousands of marriages. 

Step 1: Choose Your BundleSelect OneMentorUs Bundle #1 $59MentorUs Bundle #2 $99Exclusive Bundle(only 10 available) $189Select the MentorUs bundle that is right for you: Step 2: List your t-shirt(s) choice with size(If you've selected bundle #2 or the Exclusive bundle please click the + to list two t-shirts.T-shirt choiceT-shirt size  Step 3: Register for MentorUsName*FirstLastEmail*Enter EmailConfirm EmailAddressStreet AddressAddress Line 2CityState / Province / RegionZIP / Postal CodeAfghanistanAlbaniaAlgeriaAmerican SamoaAndorraAngolaAntigua and BarbudaArgentinaArmeniaAustraliaAustriaAzerbaijanBahamasBahrainBangladeshBarbadosBelarusBelgiumBelizeBeninBermudaBhutanBoliviaBosnia and HerzegovinaBotswanaBrazilBruneiBulgariaBurkina FasoBurundiCambodiaCameroonCanadaCape VerdeCayman IslandsCentral African RepublicChadChileChinaColombiaComorosCongo, Democratic Republic of theCongo, Republic of theCosta RicaCroatiaCubaCyprusCzech RepublicDenmarkDjiboutiDominicaDominican RepublicEast TimorEcuadorEgyptEl SalvadorEquatorial GuineaEritreaEstoniaEthiopiaFijiFinlandFranceGabonGambiaGeorgiaGermanyGhanaGreeceGreenlandGrenadaGuamGuatemalaGuineaGuinea-BissauGuyanaHaitiHondurasHong KongHungaryIcelandIndiaIndonesiaIranIraqIrelandIsraelItalyJamaicaJapanJordanKazakhstanKenyaKiribatiNorth KoreaSouth KoreaKuwaitKyrgyzstanLaosLatviaLebanonLesothoLiberiaLibyaLiechtensteinLithuaniaLuxembourgMacedoniaMadagascarMalawiMalaysiaMaldivesMaliMaltaMarshall IslandsMauritaniaMauritiusMexicoMicronesiaMoldovaMonacoMongoliaMontenegroMoroccoMozambiqueMyanmarNamibiaNauruNepalNetherlandsNew ZealandNicaraguaNigerNigeriaNorwayNorthern Mariana IslandsOmanPakistanPalauPalestinePanamaPapua New GuineaParaguayPeruPhilippinesPolandPortugalPuerto RicoQatarRomaniaRussiaRwandaSaint Kitts and NevisSaint LuciaSaint Vincent and the GrenadinesSamoaSan MarinoSao Tome and PrincipeSaudi ArabiaSenegalSerbia and MontenegroSeychellesSierra LeoneSingaporeSlovakiaSloveniaSolomon IslandsSomaliaSouth AfricaSpainSri LankaSudanSudan, SouthSurinameSwazilandSwedenSwitzerlandSyriaTaiwanTajikistanTanzaniaThailandTogoTongaTrinidad and TobagoTunisiaTurkeyTurkmenistanTuvaluUgandaUkraineUnited Arab EmiratesUnited KingdomUnited StatesUruguayUzbekistanVanuatuVatican CityVenezuelaVietnamVirgin Islands, BritishVirgin Islands, U.S.YemenZambiaZimbabweCountryTotal$0.00

Affair Proof Your Marriage

One of the ways God has allowed us to use our story is in helping people avoid some of the choices and some of the behavior patterns we’ve had in our marriage. I’m asked several times a week, “What can I do to make sure I or my spouse doesn’t have an affair.” So today we wanted to share five things that will protect your heart, mind and marriage.

1.     Pursue God

I’ve never talked to anyone who has cheated on their spouse who has told me that their relationship with God was healthy when they had an affair. The truth is that your marriage will not be perfect. You will have problems. You will face temptation. But if you are pursuing God; His Word; His truth and allowing Him to form you and shape you, that is the best thing you can do to affair-proof your marriage.

2.     Pursue Your Spouse

It is hard to fall out of love with someone you are pursuing. It is difficult to lose interest in someone that you are prioritizing. Other people don’t look so attractive when you are setting aside time to pursue and date your spouse. Most couples lose interest in one another because they fail to spend time with one another. Sitting next to each other at your kid’s soccer game or a band concert doesn’t count. Date your spouse. Buy her flowers. Put perfume on before he gets home from work. Talk. Laugh. Pursue.

3.     Don’t Fantasize About Someone Else

I’ve never heard anyone say, “I never thought about that, it just happened.” All sin starts in our mind. The Bible calls it temptation. Temptation is normal. Temptation is common. Temptation is something that you are guaranteed to face. Jesus experienced temptation. Temptation becomes sinful when it moves to fantasy. When you begin to fantasize about someone other than your spouse, you have already broken intimacy in your heart and mind with your husband or wife. It is why the Bible says to guard our hearts. Affairs always start in our mind.

4.     Share Your Secrets

Every time we withhold truth from our spouse we create distance in our marriage. Oneness is how the Bible describes our marriage relationship. Secrets have no part of oneness. Secrets break oneness. The word intimacy means, “to be fully known.” When we don’t allow our spouse to fully know us, we compromise intimacy. I am not saying that keeping secrets from your spouse will cause you to have an affair. I am saying that not keeping secrets from your spouse will prevent you from having an affair. It is hard to for sin to grow in light. It is hard for deceit to grow in the context of authentic truth.

5.     Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy is a gift from God. It will not solve all of your marriage problems. But if you are committed to pursuing God; pursuing your spouse; keeping your mind and heart pure; sexual intimacy will strengthen the oneness in your relationship like nothing else can. Our culture uses sex to sell for a reason…it is a powerful force in our lives. It can and should be a powerful force in our marriages as well.

You Can Start Today

When I got married, I just assumed that love would compensate for a lot. I loved Trish, so I could I could put our marriage on autopilot and be okay.

We love each other so date nights can be optional
We love each other so working 80 hours a week will be ok
We love each other so she knows how sorry I am for losing my temper
We love each other so not doing most of the things that caused us to want to be married in the first place will be fine

Most marriages don’t crash and burn all at once. Most count on their stated love for one another to compensate for a slow drift away from loving choices.

What we’ve learned is that most average marriages are only a few intentional choices away from becoming great.

The problem is that most of us don’t make intentional choices, we just have good intentions.

It’s not that we don’t have the desire for our marriage to change, it’s just we don’t make the commitment to the change we desire. 

Lasting change in our marriage starts with allowing God to change our hearts. Only you can choose that.

Your spouse can’t choose that for you and most importantly, you can’t choose that for your spouse. All you can pray is, “God change me.” That is a prayer God loves to answer.

So assuming that heart change is mutually pursued here are a few small, intentional steps you can choose that will make a huge difference in your marriage.

Pray for your wife before you go to bed
Write a love note and put it somewhere your husband will find it
Go out on a date this Saturday without the kids
Pray for your husband and text him and tell him you’re praying for him
Don’t turn on the TV for an evening and just sit and talk
Buy her flowers for no particular reason
Initiate sexual intimacy with him for no particular reason
Say, “I love you” in writing, in speech and in text messages every day
Stop pointing out what your spouse does wrong tell them what you love about them

As you look at this list, it doesn’t qualify as rocket science. It seems pretty basic as you read it. Most of us have great intentions in doing this list…but great intentions won’t change your marriage.

My guess is your marriage isn’t that far away from greatness. It is only a few intentional choices away.

Good news: You can start today.

{If you’d like some help being intentional in your marriage, check out MentorUs}

Who Doesn’t Love Free Stuff?

Each of us are connected to different people.

That is the freakiness of social media…we connect to one another and we connect one another to others.

If you’ve  followed our blog recently, you’ve heard about The RefineUs Tour.  We’ve partnered with The JoyFM and Food for the Hungry to bring an intentional date night opportunity to 13 different cities. 

This weekend we will be in Dothan, AL, Fayetteville, GA, Savannah, GA and Charleston, SC. It is going to be an awesome weekend.

We believe this evening is going to encourage the good marriage to go beyond good; we are praying this evening helps the struggling marriage find a new foundation to stand on; and we are praying this evening will give hope to the marriage that has lost all hope.

You can find more info about the tour dates and locations HERE:

We’d love your help sharing with others about these events. You are probably connected to people we aren’t connected to.

We are going to give away 5 MentorUs Subscriptions, our one year marriage course ($79 value each) and 3 signed copies of our book, Beyond Ordinary, ($10 value) just to thank you for helping us share these evenings.

Here is how you enter to win.

1. Share this post on Twitter or Facebook: Don’t miss @justindavis33 & @trishadavis23 on The RefineUs Tour. An fun date night for you & your spouse. http://refineus.org/free-stuff/ (Click HERE to Tweet this) 

2. Leave a comment letting us know you shared it with your friends. 

That’s it. We’ll run the give away through Sunday and pick winners on our way home from Charleston.

If you’d like more information about The RefineUs Tour check out the Tour Page.

Here is one of our favorite out-takes from our Tour video shoot…it was too good not to share with you again.

 

 

Redefining The List

We all have a list.

You know that list.

It is that mental list of all the things your husband does wrong. It is that scorecard you keep so your wife will know how much she owes you. It is that list you have carefully saved and tucked away so you can pull it out at just the right moment in your next argument. Our list is our ammunition. Our list is our defense strategy.

Most married couples I know are scorekeepers. We know the score at all times. We know if we are up or down. We know how to leverage the score for our benefit. We know just the right time to say “SCOREBOARD” to our spouse to shut them down; prove them wrong; end an argument. (Not resolve it, just end it.)

We all have an ability to keep score. We all have a natural bent to scorekeeping. It is in our nature. Trish and I were professional score keepers. We knew the score at all times. We kept score for years.

Score keeping is exhausting, because even in victory, you defeat the person you love the most.  

What if there was a better way to experience marriage:

What if we redefined score-keeping? What if we continued to keep score in our marriages just in a different way?

What if I kept track of how many times Trish keeps a promise. 

What if I made a mental note of how many times chores are done so I don’t have to do them? 

What if I kept track how many times Trisha does something nice with nothing asked in return? 

What if I had a running total of the times she’s encouraged me, spoke truth to me, and built me up? 

What if I spent as much time and as much energy keeping score of her wins and not just losses? 

We could redefine the scoreboard. Isn’t that what God did for us?

What if we lived out in our marriages what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13:5-Love keeps no record of wrongs? 

 

 

The Sound Police

We kick off The RefineUs Tour 1 WEEK FROM TODAY!

We are so excited to be in Springfield, MO on October 17th. Part of the program for the evening will include interviews we did with Patsy and Les Clairmont, Mike and Molly Grayson and Natalie Grant and her husband Bernie. The wisdom and insight they share about their own marriages is absolutely amazing.

If you’d like a behind the scenes look at The RefineUs Tour and some of the topics we’ll be talking about…you have to check out this video from Bernie and Natalie. It is HILARIOUS.

If you’d like more information about The RefineUS Tour, check out THE TOUR PAGE HERE. 

Springfield, Missouri-We’re Coming To You!

Two weeks from today we kick off The RefineUs Tour in Springfield, MO! We are so excited to partner with Hope Church, 88.3 The Wind and Food For the Hungry to bring a message of hope to Springfield.

Here is a special invite we did just for Springfield.

We’d love your help in getting the word out to those in your circle of influence. Could you share this video on Facebook? Maybe you could Tweet this post and share with with those that follow you. We are praying God uses this night to transform marriages all over the country.

Thank you for being a part of this community and believing in our message and our ministry.

For more info, locations and tickets for the RefineUs Tour, click HERE.