Justin Davis's Blog, page 18
September 12, 2013
Ask Justin and Trish on HisRadio
September 9, 2013
Six Questions That Will Radically Change Your Marriage
Life is busy. Trish and I used to think that the “next” season of life would be less hectic, less stressful, less busy than our current season. Life doesn’t seem to get less busy with time; it only picks up steam.
It is easy to go days, weeks and even months without intentionally connecting with your husband or wife. You live in the same house, but stop sharing life together. It’s gradual. It’s incremental. It happens to the best of marriages.
What if you could help your marriage be more about relationship and less about business? It’s easy to know our spouse’s schedule and forget about their heart. These six questions will recalibrate your marriage.
1. How can I serve you this week?
You want to capture the heart of your spouse, ask this question on Sunday night. It’s easy to focus on our to-do list. We have plans; we have deadlines; we have obligations. But we open up a new level of intimacy in our marriage when we ask our spouse how we can place their needs ahead of our own.
2. What has you stressed or anxious?
Is there a question that communicates care and concern more than this question? When you ask this question, you are inviting your spouse to be vulnerable with you. You are also communicating to them, “You’re not alone. I’m in this with you.”
3. What is the most important thing you need to accomplish this week?
Unspoken expectations are always unmet expectations. Most of the conflict we experience in marriage derive from unmet expectations. If you know what your spouse needs to get done in a given week, you can be an ally for them in that process. I always appreciate when Trish asks me this question. It let’s me know that she is interested in the details of my week.
4. What can we do to grow closer to God this week?
Busyness is often the biggest obstacle to intimacy with God. When my life gets busy, the first thing I give up is time with God. It is sad, but true. As a husband and wife grow closer to God, they grow closer to one another. Maybe there are spiritual connections you’re not making with one another simply because you’re not asking this question.
5. What are we doing on our next date night?
If you don’t plan a date night then you probably won’t have a date night. For us, Fridays are days we have off and our kids are in school. On Thursday, one of us will ask, “What do you want to do tomorrow?” It helps us be intentional about making one another a priority.
6. How can I pray for you?
Our prayers are the most intimate conversations we have. We share parts of our heart with God that we don’t share with anyone else. When we invite our spouse into this part of our lives, we exponentially grow the intimacy level of our relationship.
So often we think it’s something BIG that will give us a great marriage. The truth is, it is a few small things that will make a HUGE difference. Take 30 minutes, ask your spouse these questions and see if you don’t see a few changes in your marriage this week.
What questions would you add to the list?
September 5, 2013
Social Media 101
Social media is one of those rare events in which we get to say “remember when that was invented.” It’s a phenomenon much like the invention of the telephone or the Internet, in which, its very creation has forever changed human behavior. The drawback to being one of the first to take part in this type of marvel is the lack of rules of engagement.
I (Trisha) love to read. I love to read books, newspapers, even weather reports for that matter. I feel like I know exactly what I’m getting into when I choose to read a book. The rules of engagement are clear; I can finish the book or not finish the book. I can choose to read all of the newspaper or parts of the newspaper. I’m not accountable to anybody but me.
I also love to read tweets, Facebook posts, blogs and Instagram hashtags. Although each are a form of expressing words, the words of social media seem to carry a heavier burden than simply siting down to read a book. Sometimes Oftentimes Most of the time, social media requires us to be… well… social…at least virtually.
September 3, 2013
When “I Do” Feels More Like “I’m Done”
No one gets married expecting failure. No bride stands in a chapel full of family and friends, imagining how much she will despise her husband in ten years. No groom gazes into the eyes of his bride, daydreaming of one day living in the same house, but not really sharing life.
We don’t aim for failed marriages, but the reality is that more than half of marriages in the United States end in divorce. Despite our dreams, despite our expectations, despite our intentions, one out of two marriages goes from “I Do” to “I’m Done.”
Maybe you are there right now. You’re not ready to hire an attorney, but you’ve resigned in your heart that this is as good as your marriage will ever be.
It is easier to settle for what you have than to dream about what could be. It’s less painful that way. So many couples experience a loss of hope and a longing for something to change, but convinced that change will not come. Your “I Do” is starting to feel more like “I’m done.”
What can you do when those feelings come? How can you change a marriage that seems unchangeable?
Here are some things that have been lifelines for our marriage:
1. Pray this Prayer
“God, change my heart to be the husband/wife you desire me to be.” This prayer is a game changer. This prayer will not be one you will want to pray. But it is the only prayer that you have a part in seeing answered. You can pray for God to change your spouse. But you don’t have the capacity to change them. You have the capacity to allow God to change you. As God changes you, by default your marriage will change. This prayer is the first step into hope for any marriage.
2. Tell Your Spouse
I can’t tell you how many couples we’ve met with and they have been feeling like their marriage was hurting; their love was wavering; they were questioning their desire to be married for weeks, months sometimes years. Nothing good grows in darkness. You aren’t going to recapture your love for your spouse by keeping your feelings from them. Honesty is the only path to restored intimacy. You will not see anything changed in your marriage by not talking to your spouse.
3. Ask this Question
“Am I willing to do the things that caused us to fall in love in the first place?” Remember when you started dating? Remember staying up late at night talking? Remember arguing over who was going to hang up first? Remember looking for a dark street to pull the car over and make out? Remember the cheesy poem you wrote him? Remember when all of that stopped? Maybe you need to start dating again. Maybe you need to write her a love note. Maybe you need to put the kids to bed early, light some candles and fire up some Boyz II Men. Doing what caused you to fall in love will help keep you in love.
Marriage is hard. But it is possible to move from “I’m Done” back to “I Do”.
P.S. We offer some practical and helpful marriage resources that will encourage you to be intentional about your marriage. You can find them here.
August 29, 2013
Helping Someone You Love Through a Tough Time
This has been a pretty tough week for me (Justin). I haven’t been myself. I haven’t felt like being around people very much. I’ve had very little desire to engage emotionally in conversations. My family has been very patient with me as my mood swings have been quick and often.
As I was thinking through the past few days, what kept coming to mind is how amazing my wife has been this week. She has really helped me navigate a time of hurt, mourning and confusion in my life. She has cried with me, sat in silence with me, asked questions, and been patient. She’s amazing.
So I just wanted to share a few things I’ve seen her do for me this week, that I think will help you help someone you love through a tough time.
1. Don’t try to fix them.
Because you love them and because you hate seeing them hurt you will be tempted to try to fix them. The person you love doesn’t need to be fixed, they need to be healed. You can’t heal them, only God can. So trying to fix them will not only short circuit the healing process, it will make them feel guilty for not being okay.
2. Be okay with uncomfortable silence.
Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love is just sit in silence with them. Sometimes there are no words to be said. That is okay. On Monday, Trish simply said to me, “I’ll talk when you want to.” That gave me permission to just be quiet.
3. Offer advice through validation.
This is one of the best gifts you can give. Trish has said to me several times this week, “I don’t know how you feel, but here is what I think.” “I have no idea what you’re feeling, but here is what I think.” Just that little phrase, “I have no idea what you’re going through” offers enough validation to allow the person that is hurting to hear the wisdom and advice that’s offered.
4. Cry with them.
Romans 12:15 says, …”mourn with those who mourn.” Sometimes that is the most loving, most healing, most powerful thing you can do. There are few greater expressions of love for someone than to feel so deeply for their hurts that you just sit and cry with them.
5. Pray for them.
Tuesday morning I gave Trish a hug as I was getting ready to go to a meeting. She pulled me in close and leaned in and started praying for me. In that moment, I was reminded that we’re in this together. She’s fighting for me. God is fighting for me. Praying together will always grow the intimacy level of that relationship. More than that, it will help the person you love overcome and move through their tough time.
These are just a few things that my wife has done for me this week that have been so helpful. Are there other things you’d add to help someone through a tough time?
August 27, 2013
I Met My Dad for the First Time
The word itself isn’t that big, just to say it. It is a lot easier to say the word “closure” than it is to obtain it.
Closure is elusive. It is something we all desire but don’t always know how to find. Closure is the nice pretty bow we perceive others have tied around their story.
People read our blog, hear us speak, follow us on Instagram and think we have closure. Our marriage made it. We overcame an affair. We wrote a book. We help others. The perception is Trish and I have a nice bow around our story.
So we get questions…What do you do when the ending isn’t happy? What do you do when the story is still being written and you have no idea if it will turn out good or bad?
How do you find closure then? How can you find closure in the midst of chaos?
That is what I went searching for on Sunday. Closure.
I found out four years ago that my dad wasn’t my biological father. I processed the information of my situation but never sought healing for this wounded part of my heart. I thought if I ignored it long enough, I wouldn’t have to deal with the reality of not meeting or knowing my birth father.
I assumed closure would just naturally happen over time.
Time doesn’t always bring closure.
A few weeks ago, I ran out of time and excuses. I received a phone call letting me know my biological father had terminal brain cancer and only had a few weeks to live. Closure was coming. I would either make the decision to pursue it or the decision would be made for me with my biological father’s death.
On Sunday afternoon, I met my biological father for the first time. 
I really wish I could tell you, now 36 hours removed from that situation that I have closure, but that isn’t the case.
In many ways I have more questions than answers. My heart aches in ways I had no idea it would. I’ve cried and questioned and cried some more. I have never felt so unknown and out of place. The few questions I had going into Sunday have been replaced by 100′s more.
I don’t have the closure I was looking for. There is no pretty little bow to tie around my story.
One thing God is teaching me right now is closure and healing are two different things.
Closure implies the end of something, but God is constantly making all things new.
Healing comes in layers and even though I feel more jacked up than I’ve ever felt, more of my life is exposed before a new-creation making God.
I don’t need closure, because closure means I’m done. I need healing. Healing means God isn’t finished.
For some of you there is no restored marriage. For some of you, your spouse did choose the other person. For some of you, you long to be married, but marriage is not even remotely close. There is no bow to wrap around your story.
Life is hard. Your circumstances are unfair.
Time doesn’t heal wounds, Jesus does.
There is no magic formula to healing…no 5 happy hops to a pretty bow. It’s just one broken layer at a time.
Jesus heals one layer at a time. He’s isn’t asking you to find closure today, but to simply offer him the next layer. Not all of them, just the next one.
Faith in Jesus doesn’t mean life will be easy.
Faith in Jesus means we will have the strength to navigate the not-so-easy days with a Savior that brings healing along the way.
August 23, 2013
Live with HIS Radio and Our Dog Indy
Yesterday, we had the opportunity to talk with the HIS Radio morning show hosts, Rob and Leslie about The RefineUs Tour. We’re coming to Raleigh, Charleston, Savannah, and Greenville in October and November. If you live close to those cities, we’d love to meet you!
We got to share about the tour and then introduce folks to our co-dependent dog, Indy. Enjoy!
August 22, 2013
God Hasn’t Given Up On You
When you grow up in church, there is really only one unpardonable sin. The Bible says that it is blasphemy, but in the church world I grew up in, it was adultery. When Trisha and I left ministry in 2005 due to my affair, I had no idea what the future held, but I was sure of one thing:
God was done with me.
Over the next three years, God began to do a work in Trisha and I and lay a burden on our heart for ministry. We began sharing our story, helping couples restore hope in their marriage. That is how RefineUs was started. Our passion for the local church began to burn white-hot again, and by his grace we were given an opportunity to return to ministry at Cross Point.
There are still days that I hear the lie that God is done with me.
There are still times that I wonder if God can use the mistakes and poor choices in my life for His good.
Maybe you are there today.
The mistakes you’ve made seem greater than God’s ability to use you. The plans you once had are buried under a pile of regret or missed opportunity.
God hasn’t given up on you. If you feel or have felt like God is done with you…here are three things I want to share with you today:
1. It isn’t your past sins that keep God from using you, it is the condition of your heart.
I was disqualified for ministry years before the affair started. The pattern of hiding and running and pretending and posturing existed in my life long before the affair manifested itself. Because things were going so well with my ministry, it was easier to hide my struggles.
Maybe some of you have given up on yourself because of mistakes you’ve made years ago. God isn’t finished with you yet. God cares so much more about the condition of your heart than he does the mistakes of your past.
2. The gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable. (Romans 11:29)
This verse doesn’t mean that the gifts and calling of God are beyond accountability or purity. But it does mean that just because you’ve made mistakes God doesn’t just rip away your giftedness and your calling. If He called you, and He gifted you, then He has plans for you. It took me a few years to believe this. But what I have seen is that the more I have sought brokenness the more opportunity He has given me to live out my calling. I get cautious when people desire the gifts of God and calling of ministry, more than they desire brokenness.
3. When giftedness outweighs character, implosion is on the horizon.
If you are a gifted person you will be given responsibility. If you are a gifted person, people will be drawn to you. If you spend more time developing your gifts than you do deepening your character, implosion isn’t a matter of IF, it is a matter of WHEN.
Giftedness is sexy. Giftedness is visible. Giftedness gets noticed; gains opportunity; gives you reputation. Character is often compromised so that giftedness can take center stage. Giftedness can be replaced…but character allows you to sustain the work of God in your life.
Maybe today, you feel like God is done with you. He’s given up on you. You’ve sinned beyond God’s ability to use you. You’ve messed up more than can ever be redeemed.
God hasn’t given up on you. You shouldn’t give up on you either.
August 21, 2013
The Last Weekend Experience of 2013
We are so excited to speak this weekend at Pathway Community Church. It is an honor for us to partner with churches as we help people close the gap between the marriage they have and the marriage they desire.
We are PUMPED the RefineUs Tour kicks off in Springfield, MO on October 17th. Our desire is to create a one-evening marriage event unlike any other that will ignite hope and passion into hundreds, if not thousands of marriages.
As we’ve spoken at different churches, conferences and events, we’ve left those environments wishing we could spend more time with each couple, individually. There were more conversations to have. There was more content to share. There were deeper places to go. But due to the size of the event or the length of the event, we weren’t able to spend as much time with each couple as we would like.
That is why we created The RefineUs Weekend Experience.
Here are a few things that make this marriage weekend distinctive:
Each experience is reserved for only 10 couples
Focused one on one time as a couple is key to the power of this weekend
Safe, small and supportive environment with interaction, discussion and extended conversations
Shared meals with Justin and Trish and other attendees to foster deeper community
At this time, we have 7 open spots for our September Experience.
Here is what an attendee from our May experience shared with us:
The RefineUs Weekend Experience was truly a mountain top moment in our marriage. Having read Beyond Ordinary before attending, the reiteration of practical principles and real-life application taught during the RefineUs Weekend Experience was just what we needed to enable us to walk in what God wanted to do in our relationship. God is renewing our marriage daily through prayer and intentionality. I would encourage everyone to read Beyond Ordinary, and attend a RefineUs Weekend Experience because God used it in a huge way to change our marriage and our hearts.
Other marriage intensive weekends cost several thousand dollars per person.
We have done our very best to keep the cost affordable while providing an amazing experience.
The Early-Bird Rate is $750 PER COUPLE . This price includes most of your meals, but lodging and travel are extra.
If you are interested in attending, register today. Early bird pricing expires August 31st.
We are doing everything we can to make this an extraordinary, super-practical and life changing experience.
Check out RefineUs Weekend Experience to register and to get all the details.
August 19, 2013
The Greatest Enemy to the Marriage You Desire
Trish and I had only been dating two months when I told her I loved her.
I loved how she looked. I loved her Chicago accent. I loved her 1993 poofy hair. I loved the way she walked. I loved her smile. I loved the way she took her time in conversations with others. I loved everything about her.
I wouldn’t change anything about her. She was perfect for me.
Then we got married.
It didn’t take long to realize she wasn’t so perfect.
She didn’t do laundry when I thought it should be done.
We didn’t have sex as often as I thought we should.
She didn’t balance the check book in the same way I would balance it.
She didn’t give me as much attention as I thought I needed.
She didn’t do household chores the way I would do them.
She didn’t meet my needs the way I thought they should be met.
So we would argue. She would argue with me, believing that an argument would change me. She could change the way I wanted laundry done. She could change my sex drive to match hers. She could change me.
I would argue believing I could win. I could change her through guilt trips. I could make her feel guilty enough to have sex with me more; to keep the house cleaner; to cook more often; to meet my needs more. She needed to change.
Living to change your spouse is an exhausting way to live.
The thing I’ve learned in 18 years of marriage is that arguments don’t change anyone’s heart. They may change their behavior for a few days, but not their heart.
Guilt trips will never bring lasting change to a marriage. They will change behavior for a few weeks but resentment and bitterness will live in the heart of the person that is made to feel guilty.
Every marriage fights against the same enemy. If you are married you will fight this enemy today. No, this enemy isn’t your spouse…it is you.
Selfishness is the greatest enemy to the marriage you desire.
Your own selfishness can prevent you from having the marriage God has in mind for you.
Marriage isn’t for selfish people.
My ability to put Trish’s needs ahead of my own will always determine the quality of my marriage.
You may be thinking, “Wait a second! I’m not going to be selfless unless my spouse chooses to be selfless”.
That is totally natural to think that. But that is the essence of selfishness…thinking of your own needs, wants and desires first.
Your marriage will never change if you rely on your ability to change your spouse.
But your marriage can be transformed if you put your spouses needs ahead of your own. Your marriage will be different immediately if you will allow God to change you.
It is a risk. There is no guarantee your spouse will reciprocate.
But I can promise you that the climate of your marriage relationship will change when your spouse realizes that you no longer exist to fight with them, you are living to fight for them. That will make all the difference.
Fighting for your spouse will weaken the hold selfishness has in your heart.
The question is will you choose to stop fighting to be right and start fighting to be one?
