Justin Davis's Blog, page 14
February 5, 2014
Finding Hope In Shattered Dreams
Regardless if you’re eight or eighty we’re all dreamers. When we get married we dream big dreams, together. We talk about where we want to live some day; how many kids we think we should have; and where we hope our careers will go.
But what do you do when one of those dreams becomes one of your most feared nightmares?
Five years into marriage Jeremy and Brandy Little were living the dream in Nashville, TN. Their dream was only becoming sweeter as they learned they were expecting their first child. They began to dream up plans for the nursery, anxiously awaiting the arrival of their sweet baby girl. They were one of several couples in their circle of friends expecting their first child. Baby showers were being thrown left and right, as late night texts were being sent saying “we’re in labor!”
On April 24, 2013 it was finally the Little’s turn to send a text. Brandy gave birth to Ryman Little, a beautiful and healthy baby girl. But as hours passed things quickly turned from tears of joy to gut wrenching sobs of uncertainty. Their story is one where “happily ever after” didn’t play out like it did for their friends. The dreams they had of taking baby Ryman home, now turned to trying to keep her alive.
As they near the one-year mark of Ryman’s birth our church community has been given the gift of seeing their story unfold. They have been a part of our church community for several years and are loved and adored by many. Their pursuit of God and each other has been inspiring.
They have taught us many lessons of how to fight for your marriage and your dreams and I wanted share a couple of them with you today.
1. They were honest about how they were feeling.
They were honest about their feelings with each other, family and friends. They didn’t hide behind the statement “its fine, God’s got this”. Although that statement is true, God gave us the gift of emotions so that we could have a process to deal with our pain.
2. They leaned into each other rather than against each other.
Rough times are going to happen in your marriage. You may not have the same experience as the Little’s, but there will be times of hardship. Often times we make our spouse the enemy and work against them rather than allowing them to be our number one cheerleader.
3. They allowed family, friends and co-workers to come along side them on their painful journey.
God has given us the gift of community and Little’s knew in order to stay healthy they had to allow others to help them. Friends stayed with their dogs. Others travelled to whatever state and hospital Ryman was transported to, offering encouragement and companionships. Just this week Brandy returned to work and was greeted with a warm welcome.
Below is a video of their journey. My prayer is it will encourage you to never give-up when dreams are shattered. But I also hope you will inspire you to join our community to keep their family on the road to healing!
Philippians 4:13 For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.
February 3, 2014
Notes from a Blue Bike
Have you ever been in a season of life that leaves you daily whispering to yourself “tomorrow will be less crazy”? But tomorrow comes and it’s just as crazy as the day before? Then you convince yourself if your not living a life in which every waking minute isn’t social media worthy, you must not be living. It’s a mindset in our culture causing many of us to resign to a belief that a busy, stressed-out life equals a successful life.
Over the past two-years Justin and I have lived in a season of “busy” I never thought possible. We’ve had amazing opportunities beyond our wildest dreams. What began, as a blog in 2009 is now a global ministry. But as awesome as some of these experiences have been, they have come with a huge cost…REST.
A couple of weeks ago a book landed at my front door called Notes From A Blue Bike by Tsh Oxenreider. This book was like receiving a breath of fresh air with every turn of the page. Tsh shares about her life experiences living abroad and the awakening to the fast pace life she’d lived in the United States. Her quest to slow down and live in the moment validated the white flag I had been waving for the past year.
My most favorite part of the book is how she authentically shares that no mater where you live; no matter what you do for a living; life will be chaotic. But we can choose to live differently! She invites us to climb on your own bike, pay attention to who we are, what our family needs, and make some important choices.
It’s a risky ride, but it’s worth it. Living life according to who you really are simply takes a little intention. It’s never too late.
Check out Tsh’s book trailer below and purchase Notes from a Blue Bike HERE:
January 28, 2014
How to Stay In Love With the One You Love Most
We talk with couples all of the time that are struggling in their marriage. Their love is stale. Their relationship is stagnant. The grass looks greener with someone else.
Each of the couples are different but the phrase they use is pretty much the same, “I’m just not in love with him anymore.” “At some point I just fell out of love with her.”
The biggest reason couples fall out of love: They love their spouse for who they were, not who they are becoming.
The love that caused you to want to get married won’t be enough to carry you through all seasons of marriage.
You can’t love your spouse for who they were, you have to love them for who they are becoming. If you don’t you will eventually fall out of love.
You aren’t the same person at 31 that you were at 21. You aren’t the same husband after two kids than before two kids. You aren’t the same wife after two moves and three job changes as you were before all of those transitions.
Life changes us. When we don’t allow our love to change and grow with our life, we fall out of love.
It is why husbands and wives wake up one day and think, “I don’t even know who I am married to anymore.” It is how you can eventually love someone but not be in love with them.
Here is the beautiful thing about my wife…as I have changed over the past 20 years, her love for me has adapted.She isn’t in love with me for who I used to be, she is in love with me for who I am, and more importantly for who I am becoming.
How do you grow in love? How does love get deeper over time and not stale? How do you keep yourself from falling out of love with your spouse? Here are some suggestions.
1. Spend time together.
Most couples spend about two hours together per day, including weekends. One third (33%) of that time is spent watching TV. So if you don’t choose to be intentional about spending time with your spouse, it probably won’t happen. You can’t fall more in love with someone you aren’t spending time with.
2. Ask a lot of questions and listen to their answers.
You get to know someone by asking them questions. As seasons in a marriage change, you need to continue to ask questions. What are you excited about? What are you fearful of? What are your goals for this year? How can I help you accomplish _________? What is your greatest concern right now? How can I pray for you? As you get to know your spouse more, you’ll be able to love them more deeply.
3. Dream together
Most couples start out their relationship with a lot of hopes and dreams. Over time we stop dreaming and start settling. Dreaming together gives you vision. Dreaming gives you hope that things can and will be different. Dreaming gives you ambition and a direction. It allows love to continue to grow.
4. Don’t hold your spouse hostage to the past.
If you are going to love for your spouse for who they are and who they are becoming, you can’t keep them hostage to the past. Hoping they were like they used to be will never allow you to love them for who they are now. Freeing them from living in the past is your best chance of a deeper, more grace filled love.
If you like this post check out our free e-book: Click here to download your free e-book
January 24, 2014
Should you go on a first date on Valentine’s Day?
This is a sponsored post from eHarmony.com. There are lot of poor online dating choices on the web. eHarmony strives for integrity and a comprehensive process to help single men and women find their best dating match. With Valentines Day just a few weeks away, this post could help you prepare.
Here’s the scenario: you’ve been chatting to someone for a little while, maybe met online, sent a few messages back and forth and finally you decide you’d like to meet up. Next Friday night? Great, you’re both free, you lock it in.
And then you notice exactly why you’re free next Friday night. Friday is Valentine’s Day. You suddenly panic: should you change the day or cancel? Who suggested Friday? Did they know it was International Going On a Date with Your Partner Day? Cue terror.
Of course, your date is probably feeling the exactly same way as you do. They probably won’t be expecting any grand gestures or sweepingly romantic statements, but you might want to hint a little at old-time romance if it’s appropriate. You shouldn’t feel like you have to be any more romantic than you usually would, though. As with all dates, you should be yourself as much as possible, be attentive and interested in the other person, and bring your best conversation.
So, although you might not think it at first, there are both pros as well as slightly awkward cons to going on a first date on St Valentine’s Day. Here are a few more of them.
Pro: You can make a joke about it
Show that you’re secure, relaxed and have a sense of humor by being totally cool with it. You might poke a bit of fun at the extravagant lengths that some people go to: maybe say something like “I considered bringing a huge bunch of red roses/box of chocolates/giant teddy bear but I figured it was a little soon.” It’ll break the ice, and you can bond over the fact that a V-Day date lays the pressure on for it to go well.
You can also take comfort in knowing how many others will be in the same situation as you. With the popularity of online dating sites soaring, you can be sure you won’t be the only person in the restaurant thinking the same thing as you.
Con: Restaurants will be booked up
Places that would ordinarily be great for a first date will probably be packed. Not only that, they will be packed with starry-eyed lovers holding hands, kissing, whispering sweet nothings and maybe even getting engaged. That’s a lot of peer pressure.
Pro: That means that you can get creative
If your usual first date spot is going to be over-crowded, and think outside the box. If you met on a site such as eHarmony, who match people based on their beliefs and values, chances are that your interests are fairly well aligned. This means you can feel reassured about planning a more ‘out there’ date idea. If that means going to a ball game, going for a waterside stroll or grabbing a burger, then you shouldn’t feel restricted to the traditional Valentine’s Day activities.
Con: It might make you extra nervous
You might imagine that your date has greater expectations than they usually would, and you might feel even more jittery than is normal for a first date. Just breathe deeply, and if you’re still worried, clear the air beforehand by making a joke. Something silly like “don’t worry, I’m not expecting a proposal just yet” will set both your minds at ease.
Pro: If it works out, it’s a great story
Be optimistic! Imagine telling friends and family that your first date was on Valentine’s Day. They’ll be impressed with your foresight in scheduling a date on the most romantic day of the year.
January 23, 2014
RefineUs Tour 2014 Update
Last fall we partnered with The JOY FM, and four of their sister stations for an 8 city tour through out the southeast.
We were scheduled to continue the tour in January 2014 all throughout the state of Florida.
As we approached the holidays we began to talk with the radio station about moving the tour back to later in the year to give us more time to promote the tour and a little time to recover from all of our travel.
So in December, we decided to postpone the RefineUs Tour until October 2-5, 2014. This has created some confusion with many of our friends in and around Florida, as we’ve received email and Facebook messages asking about the tour.
The dates are set for October 2-5, 2014 in the following markets:
Ocala
Clearwater
Lakeland
Sarasota
We don’t have venues nailed down at this time, but as soon as we do, we will update our site and let you know.
While we won’t be out on tour until the fall, we will be speaking at several churches between now and then in various locations.
Here are three churches we’re speaking at in the next few months. If you’re close, we’d love to meet you at one of these events:
No matter where you live, we are honored to provide you with resources and encouragement to strengthen your marriage.
P.S. We will also announce the 2014 dates for our RefineUs Weekend Experience in few weeks.
January 21, 2014
2 Mistakes Couples Make Trying to Improve Their Marriage
If you’ve been married longer than two hours, you know that marriage isn’t always easy. When Trish and I got married, we had this core belief: “We love each other; we love God, so we’ll have a great marriage.”
Man, I wish it was that easy.
The quality of our marriage isn’t a reflection of our intentions, it’s a collection of our choices. Great intentions have never improved our marriage.
No matter how good or bad your marriage is, I bet you’d like to improve it. But many times the way we go about improving our marriage does more damage than good.
Here are two huge mistakes we made as we tried to improve our marriage.
1. Changing my spouse will improve my marriage.
Trisha hates my driving. Like, I mean, hates it. Funny thing is, I’ve driven the same way, everyday, for our entire 21 years together.
When we were dating she had no problem when I looked over at her while driving. It was cute when I reached over and gave her a kiss and slightly take my eyes off the road. That hasn’t been cute in 20 years. In over 20 years together, she hasn’t changed me.
So many couples believe that if they can change their spouse their marriage will improve.
If I can get him to go to church
If she would stop spending money
If he would clean up after himself
If she would stop nagging me all the time
If he would drive better
If she would be on time
Here is the deal…those changes COULD improve your marriage…no doubt. But YOU don’t have the capacity to change your spouse. You can’t change a human heart.
You can’t argue, guilt-trip or cold-shoulder your way into a changed heart.
If you could- your spouse would have changed by now.
If you want to continue to have the same marriage you have right now, keep trying to change your spouse.
If you want to drastically and immediately improve your marriage, allow God to change you. As you transform, your marriage will change. It may not solve all of your problems and it may not change your spouse one ounce, but it will allow you to see them and your situation differently.
2. Stop trying when improvement doesn’t happen immediately.
I am 6.8 lbs into what I hope to be a 40lb weight loss plan. I have consistently gained weight over the past 20 years. I’ve accumulated a pound here and then a pound there. I’ve lost weight, then gotten off the diet and gained it back. I didn’t gain 40 pounds in a week, it just kinda happened over time.
I have an App that I use that helps me track what I eat and gives me a weight loss plan.
I wish I could lose 40 pounds tomorrow. But it took me 20 years to gain 40 pounds it is going to take me more than 40 days to lose it.
“This plan will enable you to achieve your goal by July 2, 2014.”
So many couples do the same thing with their marriage that I tried to do with my weight…improve it fast.
Why isn’t my marriage improving, I read a book?
It’s been two weeks since that marriage conference, and nothing has changed.
We’ve been praying together for 3 days and my husband still isn’t changing.
We’ve gone to counseling for 2 sessions and I’m about ready to give up hope…she isn’t changing.
There are some changes that can happen quickly. But most of the time, if it took you some time to get to that place, it will probably take you some time to get out of that place.
Would you keep trying if you knew you could reach your goal by July 2, 2014? Probably. But so many couples give up on April 2 or June 2 when they were so close to achieving the change they desire.
Give up trying to change your spouse. Don’t give up allowing God to change you.
Give up expecting transformation tomorrow. Don’t give up knowing that “He who started a work will be faithful to complete it.”
January 16, 2014
Why Having A Baby Won’t Fix Your Marriage
In 1998, we moved from Saint Charles, Illinois to Kokomo, Indiana. This move, in my mind would be the move that made everything better. Our son Micah was two years old, Trisha was pregnant with Elijah, and our marriage of three years wasn’t going how either of us envisioned it would go.
This move was going to be special because we were moving from an $800 per month, 800 sq. ft apartment to a $525 per month, 1200 sq. ft house that we were buying! We were buying our first house.
In my mind, this would solve everything. Our house had a yard, it had neighbors, it had privacy, it had sidewalks, it had space. We were going to own it.
I was convinced that this house would fix Trish.
This house would solve our problems; this would would reduce the frequency of our arguments. This house would cover all of the things we disagreed about.
I soon came to realize that our first house didn’t fix it.
The truth is that we can never expect an external thing to fix internal problems. That just won’t happen.
So often when people are having marriage problems, they have this belief that if we just had this or if we just accomplished that or if we just got this or just moved there, then the problems in our relationship will go away or be solved. Our marriage will be better when:
I get that promotion
We get out of debt
We move to a bigger house
I finish my degree
We make more money
We move closer to “home”
We have a baby
Houses are great. Promotions are awesome. Degrees are outstanding. Babies are amazing. But a baby won’t fix it. A baby won’t fix the distance you feel. A baby won’t restore trust when trust has been broken. A baby won’t help you be more honest with each other. A baby won’t bring you closer spiritually. A baby won’t help you forgive. A baby won’t cause him to pursue you more. A baby won’t fix it.
We can’t count on something external, whatever that something is, to fix an internal problem.
There are two things that will fix what is wrong with your marriage.
Pursuing God
Pursuing your spouse
When you do those two things, you allow what is broken in your heart, in your relationship, in your soul to begin to find healing. You begin to move closer to God and closer to your spouse and in that process you begin to address the issues that you have rather than counting on a new house or a job promotion to cover those issues up.
A ____________ won’t fix it.
But your pursuit of God and your spouse can.
January 14, 2014
Finding Closure When You Can’t Find Restoration
Not all relationships can be restored. Not all relationships should be restored.
What God has been teaching me (Justin) over the past few weeks is that you can have closure even if you can’t have restoration.
A little over four years ago, I found out my dad wasn’t my biological father. A little over four months ago, I received a call that my biological father was dying of cancer. I had never met him.
So ten days after my 40th birthday, on Sunday August 25, 2013 I met my biological father for the first time. 
Last Friday, I received a phone call that he’d passed away.
Even now as I type it, it feels weird that I have a parent that has died. As he passed away, so did any chance of a father/son relationship being restored. It simply isn’t possible. He couldn’t make up 40 years of absence. He couldn’t give me back what he wasn’t there to give. It isn’t possible.
But just because I don’t have restoration of that relationship, I do feel closure. I feel like when I had the opportunity, I did everything I could to bring peace to my heart and closure to the situation.
I think many of us feel like failures if we’ve had a relationship fail. But the truth is there are relationships we can never reconcile. But just because you can’t reconcile a relationship, doesn’t mean that brokenness has to follow you into your other relationships.
Here are some things that have helped me over the past few months find closure in the most fractured of relationships with my biological father.
1. Lower your expectations
The person you’re struggling with is a broken person. They aren’t perfect and they will probably never live up to what you expect them to be in the relationship. In order to find closure, you have to set them free from your fairy tale expectations. I had to come to terms with the fact that my biological father would never make up what was lost…so I couldn’t expect that from him.
2. Do the next right thing
You don’t have to figure everything out all at once. Maybe you’re dealing with an ex-spouse or an old friend or a former business partner and you want closure all at once. Closure comes as we just do the next right thing. Scripture says it like this, “As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Maybe that is not sending a heated email or text message; maybe it’s setting up an appointment to meet them for coffee; maybe it is offering forgiveness. You don’t have to do it all at once, just do the next right thing.
3. Surround yourself with a support system
I can’t tell you how important it is to have people that love you and will encourage you as you are trying to find closure in a broken relationship. Trisha stayed up crying with me; our boys have loved and encouraged me. Friends have called me or texted just to check in. It isn’t always easy to let other people in after you’ve been hurt by people…but it is essential.
4. Give yourself grace
Just because a relationship has failed or is dysfunctional doesn’t make you a failure. Not every relationship can be restored. Not every relationship should be restored. But if you’ve done everything you can to bring that relationship to a place of closure, be okay with that. God isn’t disappointed with you. Giving yourself grace in this process will help you find the emotional and spiritual closer you need to move forward.
This is s a process for me as I daily learn to live in my new reality. I hope the honest and raw post is helpful for someone that is struggling to find closure in a relationship they can’t restore.
January 7, 2014
8 Reasons You Should Read and Share the Happy Wives Club Book
Today’s guest post is from our friend Fawn Weaver. Fawn leads an awesome community called The Happy Wives Club. You can check them out on Facebook, HERE. We are celebrating with her today, as she releases her first book, Happy Wives Club Book. We’re giving away 5 copies of Fawn’s Book, just leave your name and where you’re from in the comments. We’d love your help sharing Fawn’s book….Tweet or share this post on Facebook or Pintrest.
1. There has never been another marriage book like it – ever! I’m so confident of this, I asked the publisher to make the first 4 chapters of the book downloadable for free and they did. The best description I’ve heard of it so far is it is like Eat, Pray, Love meets The 5 Love Languages. I have read the book four times. Even though I’m the author, it’s really the couples in the book that tell the story. I learned from their lessons, dined in their presence, fell in love with their countries and along the way, made my marriage better.
2. The world needs a reason to believe in love again. Can you imagine how beautiful this world would be if we loved each other a little more? The young kid willing to take the life of another because he sees no hope. Can you imagine how love could give him hope?
3. Encouraging happy and healthy marriages is a benefit to us all. One of the quotes that has remained with me over the years is something Wade Horn said in 2004: “The United States Administration for Children and Families (ACF) spends $46 billion per year operating 65 different social programs. If one goes down the list of these programs… the need for each is either created or exacerbated by the breakup of families and marriages.” It was a reminder that we cannot solve the issue of poverty if we don’t figure out how to keep families together.
4. I poured my heart and soul into the writing of this book. HWC contributor, Cheri Gregory, who recently read an advance copy of the book (in 2 days!) posted this note on Facebook for me last night, “LOVED, LOVED, LOVED it on my first read! Now using highlighters and Post-Its on my 2nd. I’ve been greatly moved by your personal reflections on your own marriage. Each time I put the book down I felt like I’d been in a sacred space.”
5. The book has the ability to touch more hearts than even the Happy Wives Club movement. When the endorsements from this book began rolling in from people I’ve never met and had no reason whatsoever to endorse my book (people like 3x Olympic gold medalist, Misty May-Treanor, New York Times bestselling authors, Priscilla Shirer and Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott, and so many more), I knew we’d created something very special.
6. You are committed to positively changing the tone of marriage around the world. If you are a supporter of the Happy Wives Club you are already helping to change the negative perception surrounding the union that is marriage. So don’t only pre-order the book for yourself but for your closest friends.
7. You will be a huge support to the Happy Wives Club movement. In the close to 4 years HWC has been around, there has never been an advertisement on our site (or our Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest communities). I’ve never done a sponsored post. Although there is a cost associated with running such a large site, I never wanted our community to feel as though they were being sold to or spammed. But for those of you who have always wanted to support HWC, this is a great way to do it.
8. My utter gratitude. I remain grateful to you each and every day. Whether you order the book or not, regardless of if you share this post or not, I will continue to be thankful for you. Because you continue to encourage marriages around the globe and by doing so, you are changing it for future generations. It has been an honor to serve you and this community and my hope is I’ll be able to continue for as long as you’ll allow.
Bonus reason: You can join my book club that will begin Monday, February 3, 2014. We will read the book together and you’ll be able to ask me anything -no topic is off limits- through a private Facebook group I will invite you to join.
Enter to win a copy of Happy Wives Club book. Just leave your name and where you are from in the comments. We’ll pick the winners on Friday.
January 4, 2014
3 Keys to Help Your Marriage Thrive in 2014
It’s been a couple of months since I (Trisha) have allowed my fingers to freely flow across my keyboard.
Ironically this time last year, my fingers were almost callused as Justin and I wrote an insane amount of guest posts for the release of our first book, Beyond Ordinary.
It’s crazy how much life has been sandwiched between these two moments in time and even crazier that it all began with a list.
Every year our family takes the time to dream and create goals as individuals and as a family. Categories such as spiritual, physical and work/school are created to become our guide for what we hope for in the coming year. Over the past few years we’ve watched our boys’ goals shift from “clean up toys without arguing with mom and dad” to “set dates for college visits”. But last year my list was the most memorable and laughable to date.
While it had familiar goals of years past, such as:
1. Spend quality time with Justin and the boys
2. Workout three days a week
3. Read my bible daily
4. Create yearly budget.
Then came…
4. Launch my first book
5.Transition from part-time to full-time with RefineUs Ministries
6. Grow as speaker/communicator (learn to like it and not hate it) 
I had NO IDEA how audacious, insane and absolutely life changing those last three “goals” would be.
God has blown our minds with his faithfulness this year. A year ago we chose to step out in faith and embrace RefineUs Ministries full-time. RefineUs has been able to impact more people this year than all previous years combined. We’ve been given favor by so many churches and organizations and our home church Cross Point (where Justin is still on staff part-time) has been our number one cheerleader!
There is so much to be thankful for.
Yet…
When you choose to step out of your comfort zone and jump canon ball style into a river of adventure, the outcome isn’t always as glamorous as most of us imagine.
What about you?
Where were you a year ago?
What goals, dreams and expectations did you have for this past year?
Marriage is often a collision of two people searching for purpose and calling and when they are found it can burst forth-epic adventures. But when purpose and calling are misunderstood, when vision drives you rather than you driving it, your “epic adventures” become dreadful obligations. Vision looses its luster leaving behind a trail of disappointments.
In the midst of our own adventure, I found myself overwhelmed by change.
Those who know me well know I am a habitual person. I am a lover of routine! Over the past year finding routine was like finding a needle in a haystack. What started as a shared vision in my marriage was slowly leaving me exhausted and disillusioned, causing more strife than I care to admit.
By mid-November I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown ready to throw in the towel.
In marriage we often believe if we’re obedient and faithful our marriage relationship will be smooth sailing. But as we all know, life will always be full of ups and downs. Some dreams come into fruition in ways we could never imagine while others completely fall a part.
So how do you champion your goals and dreams as well as your spouse’s and maintain a healthy marriage?
1. Rest
Take time to rest. God has given us the gift of rest to bring healing both physically and emotionally. Rest is what gives us space to see more clearly and to keep on dreaming. Rest is what fuels your passion and calling.
2. Reflect
Take time to write down or talk out your experiences from this past year. It helps to look back and remember the good and the bad. Often times we just need to be listened to without the need to be fixed. Reflection gives way to gratitude for what God has done while also unearthing the bad where bitterness and resentment can live.
3. Regroup
Rather than living in the insanity of doing the same things you did last year expecting different results take the time to set goals and dream again. Is it risky? Yes. Will you possibly fail? Yes. Is it worth it?
EVERYTIME!
We are really excited to begin 2014 with you. While we can’t predict it and know it will probably look different than we imagine, we can trust that God will meet us along the way… EVERYTIME!
