Justin Davis's Blog, page 15

3 Keys to Thriving in Your Marriage in 2014

It’s been a couple of months since I’ve (Trisha) allowed my fingers to freely flow across my keyboard. Ironically this time last year, my fingers were almost callused as Justin and I wrote an insane amount of guest posts for the release of our first book, Beyond Ordinary.

It’s crazy how much life has been sandwiched between these two moments in time and even crazier that it all began with a list.

Every year our family takes the time to dream and create goals as individuals and as a family. Categories such as spiritual, physical and work/school are created to become our guide for what we hope for in the coming year.

Over the past few years we’ve watched our boys’ goals shift from “clean up toys without arguing with mom and dad” to “set dates for college visits”. But last year my list was the most memorable and laughable to date.

While it had familiar goals of years past, such as:

1. Spend quality time with Justin and the boys

2. Workout three days a week

3. Read my bible daily

4. Create yearly budget.

Then came…

4. Launch my first book

5.Transition from part-time to full-time with RefineUs Ministries

6. Grow as speaker/communicator (learn to like it and not hate it)

I had NO IDEA how audacious, insane and absolutely life changing those last three “goals” would be.

God has blown our minds with his faithfulness this year. A year ago we chose to step out in faith and embrace RefineUs Ministries full-time. RefineUs has been able to impact more people this year than all previous years combined. We’ve been given favor by so many churches and organizations and our home church Cross Point (where Justin is still on staff part-time) has been our number one cheerleader!

There is so much to be thankful for.

Yet…

When you choose to step out of your comfort zone and jump canon ball style into a river of adventure, the outcome isn’t always as glamorous as most of us imagine.

What about you?

Where were you a year ago?

What goals, dreams and expectations did you have for this past year?

Marriage is often a collision of two people searching for purpose and calling and when they are found it can burst forth-epic adventures. But when purpose and calling are misunderstood, when vision drives you rather than you driving it, your “epic adventures” become dreadful obligations. Vision looses its luster leaving behind a trail of disappointments.

In the midst of our own adventure, I found myself overwhelmed by change.

Those who know me well know I am a habitual person. I am a lover of routine! Over the past year finding routine was like finding a needle in a haystack. What started as a shared vision in my marriage was slowly leaving me exhausted and disillusioned, causing more strife than I care to admit.

By mid-November I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown ready to throw in the towel.

In marriage we often believe if we’re obedient and faithful our marriage relationship will be smooth sailing. But as we all know, life will always be full of ups and downs. Some dreams come into fruition in ways we could never imagine while others completely fall a part.

So how do you champion your goals and dreams as well as your spouse’s and maintain a healthy marriage?

1. Rest

Take time to rest. God has given us the gift of rest to bring healing both physically and emotionally. Rest is what gives us space to see more clearly and to keep on dreaming. Rest is what fuels your passion and calling.

2. Reflect

Take time to write down or talk out your experiences from this past year. It helps to look back and remember the good and the bad. Often times we just need to be listened to without the need to be fixed. Reflection gives way to gratitude for what God has done while also unearthing the bad where bitterness and resentment can live.

3. Regroup

Rather than living in the insanity of doing the same things you did last year expecting different results take the time to set goals and dream again. Is it risky? Yes. Will you possibly fail? Yes. Is it worth it?

EVERYTIME!

We are really excited to begin 2014 with you. While we can’t predict it and know it will probably look different than we imagine, we can trust that God will meet us along the way… EVERYTIME!

 

The One Thing Failure Can’t Do

I’ve feared failure all of my life. I’ve feared failing as a student, as an athlete, as a husband, as a father and as a pastor.

What I’ve learned as I’ve lived with fear of failure for over 30 years…fearing failure doesn’t prevent me from failing.

I’ve failed…big time. I’ve failed the people I love most because of poor choices and hidden sins. I can never do enough to take away my failures.

Ironically, failure has a bigger part of my story than I ever imagined.

My guess is you’ve failed. You probably failed in 2013. For some, your failure wasn’t that significant. It was fixed with an apology. You were able to make amends. You worked harder and hit the deadline. You found a new job. Your marriage found healing.

For others, your failure was major.  An apology couldn’t fix it. You weren’t given a second chance. Your kids are still wounded. Your wife is considering separation. You’re husband wants a divorce. You’re still looking for a job.

You’ve failed, and you feel like a failure.

Failure is a powerful force in so many of our stories. Failure can discourage. Failure can fracture people and families. Failure can paralyze us from taking a new risk. Failure can cost us more than we ever thought possible.

As we go into a New Year, there is something you need to know.

Failure can’t define us if we allow it to prepare us.

I don’t know what lies ahead for you in 2014, but I know that God can use your biggest failures to prepare you for your greatest calling.

Just because your business failed doesn’t mean you are a failure.

Just because your marriage failed doesn’t mean you’re a failure.

Just because you lost your job doesn’t mean you’ve lost your purpose.

Just because you’ve failed as a parent, doesn’t mean you’re a failure.

This year probably won’t be pain free. This year probably won’t be failure free.

But failure can’t define you if you allow it to prepare you. 

Happy New Year!

Sometimes It’s the Small Miracles That Change Everything

Another Christmas is upon us.

Presents stacked under the tree. Hopes and wishes shared with family and friends.

Anticipation of what could and should be in a coming new year.

Christmas is also a reminder of what could have been; what isn’t; what should have changed; what didn’t change. Christmas is hard on marriage and causes tension in families.

Christmas is why more people file for divorce in January than in all other 11 months of the year combined. “Let’s just get through Christmas.”

Many struggling marriages lose hope because they don’t see big changes take place in their spouse. They want their marriage to miraculously change.

They want years of hurt to be healed over night.

They want layers of dysfunction to disappear with little work.

They want long term behavior patterns to alter all of a sudden.

Christmas reminds us that big miracles start out as small gifts.

The Nation of Israel wanted a Messiah. They wanted a King to overthrow Rome. They wanted a deliverer to save them in miraculous ways.

They received a baby. They were given a small miracle, delivered to an inconspicuous couple in the middle of nowhere.

Only those that were looking for the miracle noticed it.

If you desire change in your marriage, maybe it’s not a huge miracle you’re in need of. Maybe God longs for you to begin to notice the small miracles along the way.

My guess is  EVERYTHING about your marriage can’t change today…but one thing could.

God longs to give you  little miracles in your marriage that could add up to huge transformation. It might not be instant. It might not be easy. It might look different than you’ve imagined.

But Christmas reminds us that it’s the small miracles that can change everything.

Don’t give up hope. Christmas is here.

 

 

 

4 Things to Say to Your Spouse Between Now and Christmas

One of our biggest fights in our 18 years of marriage occurred as we celebrated  our first Christmas together. (We wrote about that fight in the first chapter of our book, Beyond Ordinary.)

The holidays are a very interesting time. It is one of great joy and excitement, but it is also one of the most stressful times of the year. Schedules get busier. Budgets get tighter. Obligations increase. Families spend more concentrated time together.

We dream of the holidays bringing us closer together, but that isn’t always reality.

With only 8 days left until Christmas, we wanted to give you a little cheat sheet of how grow closer in your marriage and encourage your spouse this Christmas.  These are NOT things we’ve done right every year…but rather examples we’ve learned after years of failure.

Here are four things you should say to your spouse between now and Christmas.

The first two are for guys to say to their wives. The second two are for wives to say to their husbands.

1. “How can I help?”

As a guy, it isn’t that we don’t want to help, it is that we don’t know what we should do. So rather than jumping in and doing something, it is easy for us to just sit and channel surf. Our wives don’t feel like they should have to ask us for help because we should just see that they need help. We can save you at least 3 arguments over the next two weeks: four little words…“How can I help.” Those words will build instant value into your wife.

2. “I got the kids (tonight; tomorrow night; Friday), why don’t you go out with your friends?”

My wife handles a lot of responsibility in our home through out the year, but she does even more at Christmas. My guess is that your wife works pretty hard too. What if you offered her a night out with friends just to take a break. No strings attached. No expectation of anything in return. You hang with the kids, she has dinner with a friend. HUGE value added to your wife.

3. “Don’t worry about ____________, my family is crazy.”

Ladies, no matter how much you try to deny it…your family is a little crazy. (His family is too.) Let your husband off the hook and just state the obvious. What if you were on his team this Christmas rather than making him feel like you teamed up with your family against him? How much better would Christmas be?

4. “You are incredible and I really appreciate you.”

Many guys we talk to feel their wife always notices the things they do wrong and don’t appreciate anything they do right. What if you built your husband up this Christmas by just telling him how much you appreciate him. Words of affirmation are a love language every husband speaks.

Our words are powerful. They can bring life to our relationships. Our prayer is that you would choose to share words with your spouse this Christmas that bring life and value to your marriage.

What would you add to this list?

If you like this post, you should click here to download the first two chapters of our book.

Go From Good To Great

There is an equation that we allowed to be a part of our marriage for way too many years: Time + Unintentionality = ordinary. For years, we settled for an ordinary marriage.

What drives our blog and ministry these days is the call we have to help marriages move beyond ordinary. We know that it is possible, but it has to be intentional. 

Most people want to improve their marriage…very few know where to start or how to be consistent. We want to help change that!

So this month, we are offering a huge sale on a weapon we’ve developed to fight against ordinary: MentorUs.

MentorUs is a weekly curriculum designed to help couples be intentional in their pursuit of God and their spouse. (To see the topics covered and teaching calendar CLICK HERE)

Each week we send an email with a marriage principle, a few Scriptures to read and four or five discussion questions to talk through. Then, once per month, we send a video recapping the entire month with more practical application.

We’ve had a tremendous response as over 700 couples have gone through the program.

Here is what is cool…we have 3 different MentorUs options. We have a 12-week curriculum, a 16-week curriculum and an entire year, 52-week program you can choose from.

We have never offered MentorUs for less. We want as many people as possible to begin to be intentional about their marriage. We are reducing the price of all of our MentorUs programs, but we are slashing the price of our MentorUs-52 curriculum.

The regular price of our MentorUs-52 curriculum is $79 for the year. This month we are lowering that price to $49. Here is what is included in that price:

A 52-Week Marriage Curriculum emailed to you each week.
Practical and transformational principles on growing in your marriage
Monthly Video from RefineUs with raw and honest stories and advice for you to apply to your marriage
Special guest interviews on a variety of topics
Email support as requested
Downloadable resources designed to give you marriage tips when you need them

If you don’t want to go with the 52-week option, then you can check out the 12-week and 16-week curriculum tracks here: MentorUs Basic and MentorUs Plus

If you’d like to get MentorUs for 45% off our regular price, just fill out the form below and your introductory email will be sent to you soon after you register.

Don’t let one more day go by without being intentional about your marriage. Ordinary can be defeated. We are fighting with you.

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You Can’t Go Back, But You Can Move Forward

A few years ago, I was struggling to move past my past. I was haunted by the mistakes I’d made. I was reminded of the people I hurt and wounded with my poor choices. I knew God forgave me; I knew my wife forgave me;  but couldn’t find the grace to forgive myself.

I remember sitting in Starbucks with a friend and he asked me a question that changed everything. He said, “How are you ever going to make this up to Trisha?”

That’s when it hit me…I can’t. I can never make it up.

I surrendered my need to fix my past. I can’t undo the past but I can allow God to redeem my future.

So many well intending Christians try to repair their past rather than repenting of it. The word repent means to move in the opposite direction of sin.

We can’t move in the opposite direction of sin if we’re constantly trying to make up for it. We miss out on repentance for our sins because we think we can make penance for them.

You can’t redeem yourself. 

You can’t unhurt someone.

You can’t unbetray someone.

You can’t unlie to someone.

You can’t undo the past, but you can stop beating yourself up for it.

Maybe you think your past is more powerful than God’s forgiveness.

Maybe you believe that your mistakes will define your future.

Maybe you are living as though your failure will prevent you from being used by God.

Maybe you have bought the lie that the person you truly are is the person you used to be.

God isn’t finished with you.

Shame can’t defeat you unless you allow it.

Guilt can’t come against you unless you invite it.

Your past can’t determine your destiny unless you live in it.

Failure can’t define you if you’ll allow it to prepare you.

God sees you right now not for who you used to be; but for who He is creating you to be.

You can’t be all God’s designed you to be in the future if you keep beating yourself up for the past.

6 Warning Signs You’re Dating the Wrong Person

This is a sponsored post from eHarmony.com. There are lot of poor online dating choices on the web. eHarmony strives for integrity and a comprehensive process to help single men and women find their best dating match.

Dating can be a tumultuous time with plenty of ups and downs. Sometimes we can get so caught up in the excitement of a new relationship that we’re completely oblivious to the fact that our new love is wrong for us. How can you tell whether your relationship is passionate or just stressful for all concerned?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/21560098@N06/8750408924/

1. You’re not happy 

This is an obvious one, but it’s worth paying attention to how you feel on a day to day basis. Can you remember the last time you felt happy or comfortable with your partner? If you’re going back weeks in your mind, it might be time to face the fact that your relationship isn’t a positive experience for you.

2. You argue all the time

Disagreements are healthy within a relationship, but if you and your partner don’t agree on anything, you’ll have a hard time going the distance. In the times where you don’t argue, are you really happy or are you just going along with your partner to keep the peace?

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3. You analyze everything they do

There are plenty of TV shows and films where the characters sit with their friends and analyze the actions of a loved one. In reality, if you’re scrutinizing your partner’s texts or wondering what they really mean whenever they say anything, you’re not in a good relationship. Being in love isn’t about solving a complex puzzle – either the connection is there or it isn’t.

4. You’re not being yourself

This is an issue for individuals who don’t feel very confident in themselves. If you find yourself nodding along with your partner’s choices or biting your tongue when they express a dislike for something you love, you can’t have an equal relationship with them. A happy relationship is based on both partners being themselves.

5. You haven’t introduced them to your friends 

Be honest – how many times have you made excuses when your friends ask to meet your partner? If you haven’t made an effort to introduce your partner to your long term friends then you need to ask yourself why.

Sometimes we subconsciously try and keep our partner and our friends apart so as not to face the fact that our relationship isn’t up to scratch. Your friends are the best judge of whether someone is good for you, so trust them.

6. You don’t think you’ll find anyone else

Being with someone for the sake of not being single is never going to make you happy. Whether you believe it or not, you will find another relationship. If you’re only with your partner because you’re scared to break up, it might be time to bite the bullet and try something new.

Being single isn’t a lifestyle to be fearful of. However if you are looking for that perfect person, online dating sites such as eHarmony are a fantastic way to find that person who will make you truly happy.

 

Happy Wife, Happy Life?

Life is an adventure. You never know what can happen in a particular day.

Yesterday, I was in a meeting and got an email from The Huffington Post.

The email was from the contact form on our web site and said in part,  ”A new study has been released indicating that marital happiness is directly tied to a wife’s ability to calm down quickly during conflict. We’d like to invite you on Huff Post Live in two hours to discuss this with the author of this study.”

I sent Trish a text, “The Huffington Post wants us to be on their web show, live in two hours…can we make this happen?”

We scrambled to send them the info they needed, get Isaiah home from school and make sure our dog didn’t bark all the way through the live segment, but we were able to make it happen.

It was such an honor to be with Huff Post Live and Dr Lian Bloch, the author of this article in Psychology Today. It was an amazing discussion about gender roles and conflict.

What do you think? Do you think happiness in marriage is tied a wife’s ability to calm down quickly during conflict?

RefineUs Weekend Experience 2014

We are kicking of 2014 with an event here in Nashville we are praying transforms hearts and marriages. Our third RefineUs Weekend Experience is almost sold out. We have TWO spots left for this small, intimate marriage conference.

Q: What is the date of the event?

A: The first Weekend Experience of 2014  will be held in Nashville, Tennessee, January 10-12. It starts with dinner together on Friday night and ends after breakfast on Sunday morning.  You can register now.

Q: What is the cost and what does the cost include?

A: The early bird registration cost is $750 per COUPLE. That includes all meals except dinner on Saturday night; a workbook for the weekend, a copy of Beyond Ordinary, a subscription to MentorUs and all snacks and drinks throughout the weekend.

It doesn’t include travel or hotel costs.

Q: Why is the event so expensive?

A: As we spent a few months researching other marriage intensive programs across the country, most weekend experiences ranged in price from $1500-$4000, plus travel. We wanted to keep the cost as low as possible and $750 per couple is very reasonable given the costs of other similar experiences. The registration cost is $375 through December 15 and the balance is due upon arrival. 

Q: What are my hotel options?

There are three different hotels that are close to the location for the Weekend Experience.

Hampton Inn: This hotel is right across the street from the Bellevue Campus of Cross Point Church, the location for the weekend. We have reserved a block of rooms at this hotel at a discounted rate.

Best Western: This hotel is about 5 miles away from the Bellevue Campus of Cross Point Church, the location for the weekend. We have a few rooms on reserve at this hotel.

 This hotel is about 5 miles away from the Bellevue Campus of Cross Point Church, the location for the weekend. We have a few rooms on reserve at this hotel.

Q: What makes this weekend experience different?

A: This weekend isn’t for everyone. We aren’t designing it to reach everyone. But we believe this will be a powerful weekend to share together. As we have traveled and spoken at different places there have been two huge challenges to we’ve faced as we’ve tried to invest in marriages: time and size of crowds.

Our typical Sunday morning consists of us speaking for 30-40 minutes on a Sunday morning and then we head home. When we do have time to spend 6-8 hours with a group of people through our marriage conference, there are 80-100 couples present.

The RefineUs Weekend Experience will be limited to 10 couples and we will be together for 14-16 hours over the course of the weekend. We will eat meals together, have time for extended conversations and really dig into the content we’ll be sharing. We hope this is a marriage event is unlike any other marriage intensive in the country.

Q: Who should attend the RefineUs Weekend Experience?

A: Couples that desire change in their marriage. Couples coming out of crisis. Couples that are in crisis. Couples that want to move beyond behavior modification and experience heart transformation. Couples that are tired of marriage as usual. The RefineUs Weekend Experience is for married couples in a variety of stages.

Q: What is the schedule for the weekend?

A: You can check out the schedule HERE.

If you are interested in attending, register today. The early bird pricing has been extended to December 15. We are doing everything we can to make this an extraordinary, super-practical and life changing experience.

Check out RefineUs Weekend Experience to register and to get all the details.

We hope to see you in January. 

One Thing That Changes Every Marriage

A few months ago, I was running late one morning (not unusual) and needed to swap cars with Trish before I could  head to my meeting. Trish called me and said, “You’re car needed gas, so I am filling it up for you. Why don’t you meet me at Kroger and you can leave from there. It will save you from having to stop and get gas.”

You are thinking what I was thinking, “My wife is amazing.”

So I left and went to Kroger. I drove around and drove around and couldn’t find Trish. About half way through my third lap around the parking lot, Trish called me, “Where are you?”

“I’m at Kroger, where are you?”

“Which Kroger? I’m at the one on Highway 100.”

“Well, I’m at the one on Highway 70. I’ll stay here and you can meet me here.” and I hung up the phone.

As I sat there, I started to get more and more angry. I was going to be really late now. This was all her fault. If she would have gone to the right Kroger in the first place, I wouldn’t be late to my meeting.

In that moment, I felt God speak to my heart, “Are you really going to be angry with your wife when she went out of her way to serve you? Where is the grace in that?”

By the time Trish got there, my anger had left and I felt appreciative for all she had done to try to get me to my meeting on time. She didn’t cause me to run late, we just both accidentally went to the wrong location.

There was no malice. There was no ill-intent.

As we’ve interacted with thousands of couples over the past four years, there is one missing ingredient that causes a marriage to struggle: grace.

When a marriage is missing grace the entire disposition of the relationship changes.

Little things cause big fights.

Motives are constantly questioned.

Tempers are short and often lost.

Assumptions are always made.

Conclusions are frequently jumped to.

Husbands and wives consistently lead with anger.

The past is always brought up.

The score is always kept.

When grace is missing from a marriage, three words dominate that relationship: You. Owe. Me.

A lack of grace will cause a husband to be furious with his wife for going to a different gas station than he went to. A lack of grace will cause a wife to notice all that her husband does wrong and not see all he does right.

It is easy to give grace to others and refuse to give it to your spouse. You can’t show grace to someone you are trying to make pay.

If you want to see change and improvement in your marriage, take a few minutes this week to think about how messed up and imperfect you are…and how God loves you anyway. That is grace.

So many couples try to correct their behavior or change their communication patterns, but without grace those changes are temporary and exhausting. Grace is the starting point from which all change is made.

When you connect your heart to the grace of God, it becomes much easier to dispense that grace to the person you love the most.