Justin Davis's Blog, page 12

Intentions vs Choices

A few weeks ago, I (Justin) had the opportunity to speak at Cross Point. I talked about our intentions versus our choices.

Our lives aren’t a reflection of our intentions, they are a collection of our choices.

This message is the thesis of our book, Beyond Ordinary. If you’re interested, you can watch the message below.

Overcoming Unmet Expectations

Our family just returned from a six day vacation in Seaside, Florida. We ruthlessly guard spring break as a family vacation and love going to the beach together.The week turned out to be beautiful and filled with memories, but it didn’t start that way.

When we arrived in Florida, so did the rain. In fact, for the first three days of vacation, we looked at the ocean from our condo because it poured down rain.

What surprised me, as we sat inside watching movies, wasn’t the rain; it was how amazing everyone navigated what was obviously an unmet expectation. We haven’t always handled situations like that well.

Twelve years ago we had our worst vacation ever. Trish and I were six months into starting a church and one week away from Easter. We had very little money, but we needed a vacation badly. So for spring break, we booked a 600 sq ft condo in Destin. It was going to be awesome. The boys were 5 and 3  and 4 months old and they could play on the beach all week (which would be cheap) and we could relax.

It rained every day. Every. Day. It rained. What was meant to be vacation, wasn’t vacation. It was our chaotic life, cooped up in a 600 sq ft apartment. We were miserable. We argued with the boys about going to the beach. We argued with each other about money. Trish and I  just argued. The vacation was so bad, we left a day early to come home because we were so sideways with each other.

What do you do when expectations aren’t met? How do you overcome unmet expectations? Whether it be a date night, a vacation, or a conversation, there are going to be times when expectations are high, and go unmet. How do you keep those unmet expectations in check?

1. Speak it out.

An unspoken expectation will usually lead to an unmet expectation. Many of us carry hurt and anger toward our spouse for expectations that have gone unmet but that we’ve never communicated. Sharing your expectations will enable your spouse to know what you desire rather than be held hostage to an expectation they know nothing about.

2. Give up your need to have everything go your way.

There are times we’ve had a miserable trip or a disappointing date night simply because I was pouting that things were playing out like I thought they should. Sometimes we rob ourselves of enjoying sacred moments with our spouse or family because it isn’t going how we planned. We forfeit memories for the sake of control.

3. Refuse to make a big deal out of little issues.

Many of us can’t overcome unmet expectations because we give level ten responses to level two issues. We are always on edge and our family is always on edge. We could enjoy life, marriage and our kids much more if we would just relax a little. Not every issue is a big deal.

4. Appreciate your season.

One of the biggest regrets I have as a parent is not appreciating our current season. If you’re going to overcome unmet expectations, enjoy time not things. Look at the time you have as the gift, not the result of that time. I wish I would have cherished the rainy time in Destin twelve years ago, not resented it. Appreciate the season you are in and joy will follow.

We don’t always get this right, but we are learning. What would you add to the list?

 

We’ve Made This Mistake Before

As we travel and speak at different churches and conferences, we do our best to guesstimate how many books we will sell at each speaking event. There is a formula that is usually pretty accurate. Sometimes, I (Justin) get a little too ambitious and order more books than we sell. 

When that happens our office becomes a Beyond Ordinary library with stacks and stacks of our book lying around.

A few weeks ago, that very thing happened.  We have 15 copies left over and would love to get you a personalized copy! 

I know many of you reading this have already purchased our book. Many of you have purchased multiple copies and for that we are so very grateful.

Our prayer is that this book transforms hearts and changes marriages.

If you haven’t purchased a copy yet, we’d love to invest in your marriage through this book. We will sign the book and send it to you this week!

We’re selling them in our online store for $10 (plus shipping) which is $3 less than you can get it on Amazon.

Buy a copy of Beyond Ordinary HERE 

Thanks so much for your belief in our message and support of our ministry!

RefineUs Weekend Date Change

We wanted to share an important update with you! 

A few weeks ago, we opened registration for our next RefineUs Weekend Experience. We had a great response and have five remaining spots available.

As more people investigated joining us and those that registered began trying to make hotel reservations we quickly learned of a huge conflict: CMA Fest.

CMA Fest is a great event, but made finding a hotel difficult and very expensive. We have contact everyone that has registered and have worked out with them to move the weekend to June 13-15, 2014.

All the other details remain the same, but the date is moved to June 13-15. This will make finding accommodations much easier and much more affordable.

Here are a few things that make this weekend distinctive:

Each experience is reserved for only 10 couples
Focused one on one time as a couple is key to the power of this weekend
Safe, small and supportive environment with interaction, discussion and extended conversations
Shared meals, question and answer times and other opportunities to connect.

The great news is that this event is going to be small, intimate and personal.

If you are interested in attending, register today. The early bird price expires on May 1st. We are doing everything we can to make this an extraordinary, super-practical and life changing experience.

**If finances are an issue, please let us know. We will do our best to work out an affordable payment plan option for you. 

For more info, watch a video invitation, and register go to the web site: RefineUs Weekend Experience.

One Word That Can Make Any Marriage Mediocre

What if I told you that many marriages are held back by one word? Would you believe that 3 letters actually prevent many marriages from being all God created them to be?

There is one word that has the power to paralyze your marriage and keep you from the life-giving, love-exchanging marriage God has in mind for you.

For years this word invaded our marriage and made it mediocre.

Three letters carry the power to make any marriage average. B U T.

I know I have an anger problem…BUT
I know I haven’t forgiven him…BUT
It’s true that I occasionally look at porn…BUT
I do use sex to manipulate my husband…BUT
I haven’t been completely honest with my wife…BUT
I invest more in my job than I do our marriage…BUT
I am not where I need to be spiritually as a wife…BUT
Yes, I’m chatting with my old boyfriend on Facebook…BUT
I am a control freak with our money…BUT
I make her feel guilty all the time…BUT
I know I don’t stick to our budget…BUT
I said I would change…BUT

Each of us believe we are a better spouse to our spouse than they are to us. That belief may not be spoken or verbally articulated, but it is seeps out through conflict, hurt or the heat of an argument.

That belief is expressed when we acknowledge our flaws and mistakes but then deflect responsibility off of ourselves and onto our spouse.

I know I have this problem, BUT she does this. I know I have this issue, BUT he does this.

We aren’t capable of changing our spouse so we use our spouse’s weaknesses or imperfections to justify our choices, behavior or character flaws. 

No one wins.

You lose because you aren’t allowing God to change you. Your spouse loses because you are constantly keeping score of their mess-ups. Your marriage loses because it stays in a cycle of mediocrity.

Maybe today, you need to kick “but.” You need to identify the areas of your marriage you are trying to shift responsibility off of yourself and onto your spouse. What if you went to your spouse and just owned your brokenness? What if you said to them that you take responsibility for all of your flaws without brining up theirs? That is a game changer. That is you choosing to move beyond mediocre and give your marriage the chance to be extraordinary.

No More Perfect Kids

This week is launch week for our friend Jill Savage and her new book, No More Perfect Kids.

Hearts at Home, Celebrate Kids, Inc, and Moody Publishers have put together an incredible package of parenting tools for anyone who buys the book during Bonus Week!

Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the bestselling book The Five Love Languages, says, “Few things in life are more satisfying than succeeding as a parent. No More Perfect Kids will help you do just that!”

If you pick up the No More Perfect Kids book (e-book or hard copy from any brick and mortar store or online retailer) anytime between March 13 – 23, 2014, you will be eligible to receive over $100 in free resources!

Here’s how it works:

1) Buy the No More Perfect Kids book between March 13 and March 23

2) Scan or take a picture of the receipt

3) email a copy of your receipt to freebies@nmpk-extras.com

4)Within 24 hours your will receipt a reply with a link and password to unlock you free resources!

So what is included in the bonus offers? It’s over $100 of incredible parenting resources!

Here’s what you’ll get:

4 Printables:

You’re Special Poster
I Corinthians 13 for Parents Poster
Compliments and Corrections Booklet by Dr. Kathy Koch
Conversation Starters for Parents and Grandparents Booklet by Dr. Kathy Koch

4 Hearts at Home Audio Workshops:

When You Feel Like Screaming–Sue Heimer,
Getting Inside the Head of Your Kid–Shaunti Feldhahn
Raising Grateful Kids–Marianne Miller
Real Ways to Connect with Your Kids–Kathi Lipp

3 E-Books:

A Perfect Pet for Peyton by Gary Chapman,
How Am I Smart? by Kathy Koch
The 10 Commandments of Parenting by Dr. Ed Young

You’ll also want to check out www.NoMorePerfect.com where you’ll find free videos to accompany the No More Perfect Kids book and other great resources!

What a wonderful opportunity this is to get some great parenting resources at an incredible price! Tell your friends, your moms group, and any other parent who would benefit from this wonderful opportunity!

How to Have a Healthy Marriage AND Ministry

When Justin and I got married and entered into ministry we were both wildly passionate about each other and ministry. Talking, dreaming and planning together always came natural to us but figuring out how Iwould be involved in those dreams didn’t come so easily. Almost twenty years later I’m still as passionate about my husband and ministry but it took me redefining what ministry truly means to keep my passion alive.

For many of us, ministry was defined by either the church culture we grew-up in or by our early years in ministry. Some of us came from backgrounds in which the pastor’s wife was expected to be a part of every church event and always bring a meal for the potluck dinner. And if your anything like me, the last thing you want me to do for you is cook.  Some of us we were told our only ministry was to create a perfect home for our husbands to come home to (no pressure) and not to be involved in anything else.

I don’t recall receiving a manual giving me step-by-step instructions on how to be a good pastor’s wife. After several attempts to make an edible potluck dinner I realized I needed to find my own path. Thankfully I found that path before someone died of food poisoning. But even knowing what I am gifted at still brought about tensions for which there was no manual. I constantly felt like I had to choose between being a good leader in ministry and being a good mother and wife.

…I’m continuing this post over at Leading and Loving It…finish reading it by clicking here. 

Separation for the Purpose of Reconciliation

Fifty percent of all marriages in this country end in divorce. Christian marriages are no different than non-Christian marriage when it comes to this statistic. 65% of all divorces are due to infidelity. Sexual sin and brokenness bring hurt and devastation to many marriages.

Restoration is possible. Many couples don’t find the restoration they desire because the thing they need most is the thing that feels the most counter-intuitive…separation.

While every situation is different; every person is different; every marriage is different; we almost always advise couples navigating infidelity to separate.

Separation after an affair is the opposite of what you think should happen. Shouldn’t you beg them to come home? Shouldn’t you promise you will do anything if they will just choose you? Shouldn’t you try to prove how much you love them? Shouldn’t you overlook their infidelity and just hope you can convince them to love you again?

Separation was something that Trisha would have never chose on her own…in fact she begged me to come home. But our marriage is restored today because she listened to a counselor from Focus on the Family when they advised her to kick me out.

We believe in restoration. We believe God can bring any marriage back from the dead. We believe that there is no one, and no marriage beyond the radical redemptive power of Christ. But separation gives each person the time and space to pursue what only Christ can give.

Here are the benefits of separation for the purpose of reconciliation:

1. Separation prevents more damage being done because of proximity.

Separation sets boundaries. Separation creates ground rules. Separation allows each person to heal without having to share space when one or both aren’t emotionally ready for a conversation or confrontation.

2. Separation can help foster brokenness and repentance.

For me personally, separation broke me. Separation caused me to realize the severe consequences of my choices. Separation brought a huge dose of reality to what my life would be like seeing my kids on Wednesday and every other weekend. Separation allowed me to seek God and find desperation for Him even above my desire to be married.

3. Separation brings a sense of appreciation and anticipation back into the relationship. 

When a husband and wife choose separation, it gives that relationship a chance to hit the reset button. They begin to appreciate each other again. They miss one another. They don’t take each other for granted as easily, because they get a front row seat to what life could be like without the other. Separation can bring both spouses to a place of gratitude. Gratitude is the antidote to entitlement.

Separation works when both people are committed to restoration. Separation works when both spouses are willing to own the dysfunction they brought into their marriage. Separation works when both husband and wife are committed to allowing God to change them and heal them as they work toward living together again. (Separation also only works if both are committed to marriage counseling.)

Should everyone who has experienced an affair separate? No. Should everyone consider it and talk about it with a counselor? Yes.

Not separating appears easier. Not separating saves others perception of you. Not separating allows you to pretend like things are okay even though they aren’t. Our experience is that not separating often cuts short the healing process.

There are no shortcuts to recovering from an affair. The path is long and it hurts like hell. There are times that you will have to choose the exact opposite of what you feel, so you can have the opposite of an affair…restoration.

MentorUs Sale Ends Today!

There is an equation that we allowed to be a part of our marriage for way too many years: Time + Unintentionality = ordinary.

For years, we settled for an ordinary marriage.

What drives our blog and ministry these days is the call we have to help marriages move beyond ordinary. We know that it is possible, but it has to be intentional. 

Most people want to improve their marriage…very few know where to start or how to be consistent. We want to help change that!

So this month, we are offering a huge sale on a weapon we’ve developed to fight against ordinary: MentorUs.

MentorUs is a weekly curriculum designed to help couples be intentional in their pursuit of God and their spouse. (To see the topics covered and teaching calendar CLICK HERE)

Each week we send an email with a marriage principle, a few Scriptures to read and four or five discussion questions to talk through. Then, once per month, we send a video recapping the entire month with more practical application.

We’ve had a tremendous response as over 700 couples have gone through the program.

Here is what is cool…we have 3 different MentorUs options. We have a 12-week curriculum, a 16-week curriculum and an entire year, 52-week program you can choose from.

We have never offered MentorUs for less. We want as many people as possible to begin to be intentional about their marriage. We are reducing the price of all of our MentorUs programs, but we are slashing the price of our MentorUs-52 curriculum.

The regular price of our MentorUs-52 curriculum is $79 for the year. This month we are lowering that price to $49. Here is what is included in that price:

A 52-Week Marriage Curriculum emailed to you each week.
Practical and transformational principles on growing in your marriage
Monthly Video from RefineUs with raw and honest stories and advice for you to apply to your marriage
Special guest interviews on a variety of topics
Email support as requested
Downloadable resources designed to give you marriage tips when you need them

If you don’t want to go with the 52-week option, then you can check out the 12-week and 16-week curriculum tracks here: MentorUs Basic and MentorUs Plus

If you’d like to get MentorUs for 45% off our regular price, just fill out the form below and your introductory email will be sent to you soon after you register.

Don’t let one more day go by without being intentional about your marriage. Ordinary can be defeated. We are fighting with you.

MentorUs Five Two


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Why You Still Watch Porn

There was an internal dialogue that went on inside my head for the 10+ years I struggled with pornography. The conversation went something like this: “That was the last time I’m ever going to watch that. I’m never doing that again.” The conviction I felt was real. The guilt and remorse I had was authentic. I was serious…until the next time I watched it or clicked it.

Between the secret stumbles I had with pornography, my wife and I had conversations about movies and TV shows. There were several times she asked if watching a movie with a sex scene or “brief” nudity was the wisest thing to do. I’d apologize after we walked out of the movie theater or  I’d fast forward through that scene in the DVD I convinced her to watch.

Eight years removed from confessing my addiction to porn, I’ve realized that the biggest lies I told weren’t to my wife…they were to myself.

I convinced myself that there wasn’t a connection between the TV shows and movies I watched in public and the struggle I had with lust and porn in private. I justified my willingness to compromise sexual purity with a variety of excuses.

Every week I talk to men that struggle with porn. Some email from our blog. Others attend my church, know our story and seek me out for help.

Some have been busted by their wife and she’s made them email me. Others are tired of feeling guilt and shame and need to confess to someone. Sometimes, a guy isn’t even meeting with me because of pornography. They’re having problems in their marriage or in the area of sexual intimacy in their marriage, and I’ll ask if they struggle with porn. Their head drops as embarrassment overcomes them and they usually softly say, “Yes.”

When someone tells me that they’ve been hiding a secret struggle of pornography, I usually follow up with one question. “Tell me about the last few movies you’ve watched in public. What is the last movie you went to with your wife or with your buddies? What are the last 3 movies you’ve watched on Netflix?” 

90% of the time, the movies they tell me they’ve watched with friends or with their wife in public contains sexual content, sensuality or nudity.

Here is what I know:

Voluntarily exposing your heart and mind to sexual content will never help you resist sexual sin. 

If you struggle with sexual purity in any way…pornography, lust, masturbation, pre-marital sex…watching movies or TV shows with sex scenes or nudity will not help you be more pure. 

Our biggest problem is the lies that we tell ourselves:

It’s not that big of a deal
It’s just one sex scene
It’s just a little nudity
It won’t affect me beyond this moment

Maybe the reason you still watch porn in private is a direct result of the movies and TV shows you’re willing to watch in public.

Please hear my heart…this post isn’t an indictment on movies or television. I’m not suggesting that in order to please God or be pure or be a Christian, you can’t watch TV or never go to the movies.  This is a plea to see the connection between what we allow in our heart and our ability to resist sexual temptation. 

Maybe the first step to freedom doesn’t start with an internet filter or accountability partner.

Maybe the power you’re looking for to resist sexual temptation begins with a decision to raise your standard of sexual purity.

Big changes usually start with small decisions.

You’re willingness to evaluate the movies you watch in public could drastically help you resist sexual sin in private.