Justin Davis's Blog, page 9
July 25, 2014
What’s Your Biggest Regret?
Researchers have found that the most common human emotion is love. That isn’t all that surprising.
But what might be surprising is the second most common human emotion is regret.
“I wish I would have gotten that job.”
“I wish I’d spoken up in that meeting.”
“I wish I’d studied harder for that test.”
“I wish” is the mantra of regret.
Regret has a unique sting to it. All pain stings, but regret has a unique sting because it’s not just “I wish things had turned out differently,” it’s “I know things could have turned out differently if I would have done something differently.”
As people become familiar with our story, many assume my biggest regret in our marriage is the affair.
There is no doubt I regret my choice to cheat on my wife.
But more than the affair, I regret the many opportunities I had to grow in my marriage and didn’t act. I regret settling for the marriage we had and not fighting for the marriage God had in mind. I regret not proactively protecting my marriage.
What about your marriage? Do you ever wish things were different?
What if you could have a regret-free marriage? Not a perfect marriage or problem free marriage, but a marriage with no regrets. Would you choose that?
This month we are releasing our six session marriage seminar, The RefineUs Marriage Seminar. 
This is the seminar we’ve taught to thousands of couples all across the country, but until now it’s never been available on video.
We believe God can use this resource to not just improve your marriage but transform the heart of your marriage relationship.
This isn’t a “5 Happy Hops to a Better Marriage” video series. This Marriage Seminar is packed with 6 sessions of raw, honest content that will inspire conversation and take you and your spouse to a new level of intimacy in your marriage.
The introductory price for this seminar is $89. This price is good through July 31st.
Click HERE for more information on The RefineUs Marriage Seminar.
Click HERE to purchase The RefineUs Marriage Seminar.
July 16, 2014
From Destroying Our Marriage to Restoring Yours
The blog post below launched our blog five years ago. Our book didn’t exist. Our ministry didn’t exist. We’d shared our story at one church. This blog post was an overflow of our heart, our story, our lives.
How does a husband of 10 years, a father of 3 awesome boys and a pastor of a young and growing church choose to walk in one Sunday afternoon and tell his wife he wants to end it all? How do you get there? What are some of the ingredients to a marriage that hits rock bottom like that? Most of the mistakes we are going to share are in no particular order…but this first one is THE most important thing you can do to protect your marriage. It is simple, but hard. It seems churchy…and cheesy…but is so powerful. It is the most talked about thing, but the most overlooked thing in a “Christian” marriage. I believe if you never read another thing that I write, but correct this one thing, your marriage will change. This was our biggest mistake and this nearly destroyed our marriage…
#1- We rarely prayed together, and the way we prayed for each other was selfish.
How ridiculous is that? Trisha and I are leading a church, helping people find their way back to God, praying for people after the service, praying for people in our small group, praying for marriages of people we are counseling…and yet there was a barrier in our marriage when it came to praying for each other. It is totally embarrassing…but we just didn’t do it. When I did pray for Trisha I would pray in a selfish way that God would change her because she was driving me nuts or making me angry or nagging at me about something.
When we were separated I realized that I was the one that needed to change…even if Trisha never changed, I was desperate for God to change me. What we have learned is that yes our marriage is emotional…yes, our marriage is physical…but more than anything our marriage is a SPIRITUAL relationship and if we don’t take that seriously, the very foundation of our relationship will be eroded little by little.
Here is the truth: If you want to grow in your intimacy with your spouse…if you want your spouse to pursue you again…if you want your spouse to respect you again…if you want your spouse to find you attractive again…if you want your spouse to forgive you again…if you want your spouse to love you again like they loved you when you were first married…pray for God to change you into the person your spouse needs you to be. That is the first part…the second is a little more vulnerable and much more uncomfortable when you first start…and that is to pray out loud together. The quickest way I can gauge Trisha’s heart and know what is bugging her or making her anxious or on her mind is to listen to her pray…it is a spiritual way to know her heart and to align my heart with hers. Let me clear, if you haven’t done this before, this will probably feel weird…but get over it! It is so worth it…and let me promise you that you will relate deeper, you will talk more, you will love more completely through this one act…I guarantee it. (You can download the free E-book 8 Things that Destroyed Our Marriage HERE)
Today we want to share with you another over flow of our heart.
We’ve been working for the past 7 months to put together our 6 session marriage con
ference in video format. In this 6 hour marriage seminar, our desire is to pour into you and your spouse in a way that transforms your marriage.
This seminar is everything we would tell you if we could sit across from you at Starbucks or invite you over for dinner. It is the six most essential things we believe goes into an extraordinary marriage.
You can watch a short video from us and learn more about this brand new marriage resource by clicking HERE.
Thanks for being on this journey from blog post #1 to today. Our prayer is that marriages will continue to be transformed by a God that loves us and has a greater vision for our marriage than we do.
Check out The RefineUs Marriage Seminar
July 15, 2014
19 and Counting
Your grace leads me to Jesus. Your love gives me strength. Your loyalty is inspiring. Your laugh keeps me smiling. Your eyes make me feel known. I love you more today, Trisha than I did 19 years ago.
Happy anniversary.
July 9, 2014
Let’s All Be Brave!
I (Trish) am so excited to share with you an interview I just did with my friend Annie Downs. Annie has written an amazing book called, “Let’s All Be Brave.” The book is so good, that I sat down with Annie to talk about being brave.
Seriously, you need to check out this book! The book release is July 15th, but if you pre-order this week there are some extra bonuses for you.
Here is the Amazon Link to pre-order the book.
Go to Annie’s blog to get pre–sale goodies: http://www.anniefdowns.com/2014/07/07/happy-birthday-gift/
Get 2 free chapters: http://books.noisetrade.com/anniefdowns/lets-all-be-brave-excerpt
Follow Annie on Twitter and check out her blog!
twitter: https://twitter.com/anniefdowns
website: http://www.anniefdowns.com
I know that the book will help you on your journey to be brave as it has me!
July 7, 2014
3 Keys to an Extraordinary Marriage
Your marriage is perfectly positioned to be the marriage God has in mind.
Do you believe that?
No matter your age, stage of life or state of marriage, you are only a few choices away from an extraordinary marriage. For those that know our story, you know that God brought our marriage back from the brink of death. Over the past five years we’ve had the honor of speaking into thousands of marriages and seeing many move from average to amazing.
Everyone wants a great marriage, but most couples are embarrassed to ask for help or don’t know where to go to find the help needed. We are excited to share with you a new video series we just created called
3 Keys to an Extraordinary Marriage. 
Here is the best part…this video series is TOTALLY FREE.
In these 3 FREE videos we’ll share with you some small choices we’ve made that have had huge benefits in our marriage.
This video series isn’t a magic pill or 3 HAPPY HOPS to a great marriage. If you know us, you know that isn’t our style.
Each video is 6-8 minutes long and filled with practical advice and thought provoking content aimed to not change your behavior but transform your heart and the heart of your marriage.
But WAIT…THERE’s MORE.
To encourage you to be a part of this FREE video series, we are giving away some really cool stuff. Here is what we’re giving away:
1. Amazon Kindle Fire HD ($139 value)
2. Amazon Gift Card ($20 value)
3. Starbucks Gift Card ($20 value)
How do you win?
1. Sign Up for the Video Series
2. Share this post on Twitter, Pinterest or Facebook: My friends @justindavis33 & @trishadavis23 are giving away a FREE Kindle Fire HD (Click here to Tweet this)
3. Share in the comments below that you’ve signed up and shared the post.
It is that easy. Winners will be announced on Saturday, July 12.
June 30, 2014
The Labels We Choose
Every day people search the internet for answers. Medical answers. Parenting tips. Cooking instruction. Marriage help. Every day I can see what people type into their search to find our web site.
The top searches in the picture above is pretty much the same each day. It is sobering to think that somewhere, at some moment, in some city, someone typed into Google, “Cheating Pastors” and they were directed to me (Justin). It is tempting to allow those two words to haunt me…to define me.
What are the labels you live with? What would direct a Google search to you if someone knew the deepest parts of your heart?
-impatient parent
-short-tempered employee
-unemployed again
-porn addict
-financial disaster
-anxious wife
-insecure husband
People will try to label you. But we are the experts at choosing our labels. We love placing labels on ourselves don’t we?
We have mistakes and regrets and baggage that continue to follow us. We think we’ve overcome them and then they show up in a Google search.
Your Heavenly Father has labeled you.
Forgiven.
Chosen.
Son.
Daughter.
Free.
Redeemed.
We live out of the labels we allow to define us.
Choose the label God has for you. Your mistakes and past can’t follow you if you allow God to redefine you.
You are His.
June 27, 2014
Everyone Wants to Be Picked
This is a reminder that belonging is a powerful thing. No matter who you are, no matter where you’re at today, Your Heavenly Father has picked you. You belong. You matter. You are chosen. Rest in that today.
Registration Open for RefineUs Weekend Experience
We are so excited to announce that registration is open for the next RefineUs Weekend Experience, October 24-26, 2014!
As we’ve traveled to different churches over the past few years, we’ve left those environments wishing we could have spent more time with each couple. There were more conversations to have. There was more content to share. There were deeper places to go.
But due to the size of the event or the length of the event, we weren’t able to fully accomplish our desire to restore hope and renew relationships.
Check out The RefineUs Weekend Experience Website HERE
Here are a few things that will make this weekend distinctive:
Each experience is reserved for only 10 couples
Focused one on one time as a couple is key to the power of this weekend
Safe, small and supportive environment with interaction, discussion and extended conversations
Shared meals to foster deeper community
The great news is that this event is going to be small, intimate and personal. The bad news is that this event is going to be limited to ten couples.
Our last weekend was a sell out, and had a waiting list. So there are only 8 spots left for the October 24-26 weekend.
For more info, a schedule of the weekend and more check out The RefineUs Weekend web site HERE.
June 24, 2014
Your Husband’s Greatest Fear
There is a universal fear that every husband has. This fear keeps us up at night and wakes us up in the morning. It isn’t talked about much because we don’t like admitting we’re afraid. Being afraid, we believe, makes us less of a man.
Most of us had childhood fears. There is something endearing about a little boy that is scared of the dark. But as we get older, we’re taught we shouldn’t be afraid. Fear becomes something we hide, get over and conquer.
Real men aren’t afraid.
“Face your fears.”
“Have courage. Be a man.”
“Don’t be a sissy. Get tough.”
Your husband probably has fears and he works really hard to manage them. But there is one fear that is hard to manage, difficult to overcome and almost impossible to defeat without bringing it into the light.
This fear is the driving force behind many behavior patterns and decisions.
Here is your husband’s greatest fear:
He is afraid of disappointing you.
Actually, he is afraid of being a disappointment. He equates disappointing you to him being a disappointment and that fear drives him.
Most guys are taught to be achievers, to be goal oriented, to accomplish things. As a guy enters into a marriage relationship, he believes he has accomplished and achieved the goal: he got the woman he loves to marry him. Mission complete.
But it doesn’t take more than 24 hours of marriage to realize that a lifetime of his wife’s needs and desires weren’t fulfilled at the altar…they started there.
So many couples launch into this dysfunctional behavior cycle of milestones and achievements. Where she thinks acquiring things will make her happy and he thinks accomplishing things will make him a successful husband.
The problem is a larger house doesn’t fix her. A nicer car doesn’t make him feel long term success. Acquiring more things doesn’t make her content. Having kids doesn’t calm his fears it only increases the number of people he is working hard to not disappoint.
Most guys equate their wife being unhappy or discontent with them being a disappointment. In an effort to manage that fear they make choices that feel healthy but usually cause bigger issues. So many problems in marriage come back to this fear.
-Men who are workaholics are driven by a fear of being a disappointment as a provider. Guys find their identity in their ability to provide because we’ve equated providing with success. Many don’t consider the cost of overworking and being absent until it’s too late. There is an irony to the fact that what they think makes them successful actually brings disappointment to their family.
-Husbands that struggle to lead their family spiritually fear that they don’t have what it takes to be a good leader. So rather than fail being a spiritual leader they become passive participants in their family instead of leaders.
-Guys that hide a battle with pornography are driven by this fear. It doesn’t justify a man’s decision to hide, it just explains it. If a husbands greatest fear is disappointing his wife, what could be more disappointing than struggling with something that he doesn’t want to struggle with and that will bring tremendous pain to his wife’s heart?
-Men that are constantly upgrading are fearful of being a disappointment. A bigger house. A nicer car. A new toy. Guys want to prove they are successful. So many men make poor long term financial decisions in an effort to not disappoint their wife in the here and now.
How can you help?
If this is your husband’s biggest fear how can you help him overcome it? I have a few suggestions.
1. Create a culture of grace and safety in your marriage.
Most couples don’t share deep stuff with each other because they think they will be judged or shut down. Approach your husband with a spirit of love and understanding and not accusation. No one wants to be shamed and ridiculed into opening up their heart. Seek to understand him and it will make all the difference.
2. Tell him you’re proud of him.
Do a quick inventory of your words and the tone of your voice over the past week or two. How many words have communicated pride? How many have communicated to him that he isn’t doing enough, being enough, listening enough, earning enough, loving enough, providing enough? If your husband’s greatest fear is failing you, disappointing you and letting you down how much have your words fed that fear rather than help him overcome it? When you tell your husband you are proud of him and you appreciate him, it changes him. Your words carry power in your husband’s heart.
Most of the time in marriage we don’t wound each other because we want to hurt our spouse, we wound each other because we don’t understand our spouse. My prayer is that you understand more of your husband’s heart, it will help you both love each other more fully.
June 20, 2014
No More Awkward Silence on Date Night
What if a one hour investment in your marriage could move you from a good marriage to a great marriage? What if one hour could help you move from roommates to lovers again? What if you spent one hour a week with your spouse, but what you recaptured was their heart? That is what couples tell us happens as they go through MentorUs.
MentorUs is our weekly marriage course that is delivered to you every week. You get an email every week with a marriage principle, some Scriptures to read with your spouse and discussion questions to help foster conversation.
We give you everything you need to dive deeper with the one you love the most. NO more awkward silence on date night. No more wondering how to grow spiritually together as a couple. No more guess work.
We want as many people as possible to begin to be intentional about their marriage. We are reducing the price of the MentorUs online marriage course to $59 for an entire year. That about $1 per week.
For the first time, you can pay in 3 monthly payments of $19.67 to help you invest in your marriage even if money is tight.
Here is what is included in that price:
A 52-Week Marriage Curriculum emailed to you each week.
Practical and transformational principles on growing in your marriage
Monthly Video from RefineUs with raw and honest stories and advice for you to apply to your marriage
Special guest interviews on a variety of topics
Email support as requested
Don’t spend one more day wondering how to grow in your marriage. Allow MentorUs to come along side of you and invest in you as you invest in your marriage.
