Justin Davis's Blog, page 21

What Everyone Wants But Few Experience

There is something everyone wants more than money. There is something everyone desires more than fame. In the quiet place of every human heart, lives this universal desire:

Transformation.

Everyone wants the ability to change. If we experienced change based on intentions or desire, we’d all be who we want to be. But that isn’t the way transformation takes place. You can’t buy it. You can’t wish it into existence. You can’t be famous enough to attain it. Your intentions will never be good enough to make it happen. Transformation is illusive. Everyone wants it, but few experience it.

Most of us don’t struggle with new sins. There aren’t brand new temptations you’ve never experienced before that threaten to take you out all at once. We get caught up in the same few sins over and over and over again.

If you’re anything like me, your response to your most repeated sin is, “That was the last time.” 

That was the last time I use that credit card
That was the last time I talk to my wife like that
That was the last time I cuss at my kids
That was the last time I look at porn
That was the last time I flirt with my co-worker
That was the last time I hide that purchase from my husband

“That was the last time” become our famous last words.

Why don’t we change? Why do we repeatedly make promises that we have every intention of keeping, but don’t? Why do we desire to be different but only experience incremental transformation?

Here are three things I’ve seen in my own life that have prevented me from experiencing transformation.

1. Sin Management

There have been seasons in my life that I’ve convinced myself I can manage my sin. I can deal with it. It’s not that big of a deal. No one is getting hurt. No one knows about the secret struggles I have. I can handle it. I can stop anytime I want. Transformation only takes place in our heart as we submit all our life to Christ. Keeping parts of our heart hidden, trying to manage our sin puts a lid on the amount of change we are capable of experiencing.

2. Insecurity

What keeps most of us from changing and has held me back so many times in my life is my own insecurity. What will others think about me? If I admit I”m in debt, what will people think? If I confess my porn issue, how will my friends react? If I seek help for my anger management issues, that will change others’ perception of me. Insecurity causes us to pretend that we are more put together than we really are. Fake people don’t change. Insecurity always kills transformation.

3. Pain Avoidance

I like avoiding pain more than I like change. Change usually always requires pain. In fact, most of the seasons of transformation in my life have been initiated by tremendous pain or discomfort. Personal failure; Financial hardship; job transition; marriage problems; relationship issues. When begin to value avoiding pain more than we value transformation, we are guaranteed to stay the same.

I bet you want to change. You want to be different. I know that is the desire of your heart. You want a different marriage. You wish your relationship with your kids was different. You want to stop whatever it is you can’t stop. I do too.

Transformation is possible. There is a cost involved upfront…but the payoff is priceless.

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MentorUs For Everyone

We are officially half way through 2013. Isn’t that crazy? Time goes fast. Trish and I celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary this month. How is that possible? How have so many years gone by?

There is an equation that we allowed to be a part of our marriage for way too many years: Time + Unintentionality = ordinary. For years, we settled for an ordinary marriage.

What drives our blog and ministry these days is the call we have to help marriages move beyond ordinary. We know that it is possible, but it has to be intentional. 

Most people want to improve their marriage…very few know where to start or how to be consistent. We want to help change that!

So this month, we are offering a huge sale on a weapon we’ve developed to fight against ordinary: MentorUs.

MentorUs is a weekly curriculum designed to help couples be intentional in their pursuit of God and their spouse. (To see the topics covered and teaching calendar CLICK HERE)

Each week we send an email with a marriage principle, a few Scriptures to read and four or five discussion questions to talk through. Then, once per month, we send a video recapping the entire month with more practical application.

We’ve had a tremendous response as over 700 couples have gone through the program.

Here is what is cool…we have 3 different MentorUs options. We have a 12-week curriculum, a 16-week curriculum and an entire year, 52-week program you can choose from.

We have never offered MentorUs for less. We want as many people as possible to begin to be intentional about their marriage. We are reducing the price of all of our MentorUs programs, but we are slashing the price of our MentorUs-52 curriculum.

The regular price of our MentorUs-52 curriculum is $79 for the year. This month we are lowering that price to $49. Here is what is included in that price:

A 52-Week Marriage Curriculum emailed to you each week.
Practical and transformational principles on growing in your marriage
Monthly Video from RefineUs with raw and honest stories and advice for you to apply to your marriage
Special guest interviews on a variety of topics
Email support as requested
Downloadable resources designed to give you marriage tips when you need them
Signed Copy of Beyond Ordinary

If you don’t want to go with the 52-week option, then you can check out the 12-week and 16-week curriculum tracks here: MentorUs Basic and MentorUs Plus

If you’d like to get MentorUs for 45% off our regular price, just fill out the form below and your introductory email will be sent to you soon after you register.

Don’t let one more day go by without being intentional about your marriage. Ordinary can be defeated. We are fighting with you.

MentorUs Five-Two Pre-Pay for Year-SALE



Name:*FirstLastEmail Address:*Enter EmailConfirm EmailSpouse Name: Address*Street AddressCityAlabamaAlaskaArizonaArkansasCaliforniaColoradoConnecticutDelawareDistrict of ColumbiaFloridaGeorgiaHawaiiIdahoIllinoisIndianaIowaKansasKentuckyLouisianaMaineMarylandMassachusettsMichiganMinnesotaMississippiMissouriMontanaNebraskaNevadaNew HampshireNew JerseyNew MexicoNew YorkNorth CarolinaNorth DakotaOhioOklahomaOregonPennsylvaniaRhode IslandSouth CarolinaSouth DakotaTennesseeTexasUtahVermontVirginiaWashingtonWest VirginiaWisconsinWyomingArmed Forces AmericasArmed Forces EuropeArmed Forces PacificStateZIP CodePre-Paid Yearly Subscription*Price: $49.0045% off our regular price during the month of July!

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The Quickest Way to Recapture Joy

I had the opportunity on Tuesday to spend some time with a group of church planters and their wives. Lots of people have big dreams, but none bigger than church planters. They dream about things only God can make happen. It was huge honor for me to be with them.

As I was driving home, I couldn’t help but think about how I love church planting now, but had little joy as a church planter ten years ago. I didn’t enjoy being a church of 20 people because I wanted to have 50 people. I didn’t enjoy being a church of 100 people because I thought life would be better if we had 200 people.

How much of my life have I lived absent of joy? Joy is costs nothing and is always available, yet I’ve chosen at times to live without it. Maybe you have too?

There is a difference in dreaming for the future and wishing for the future. Dreaming inspires you to move forward; wishing causes you to resent where you are.

Many of us spend today wishing things will be different tomorrow.

We wish we had a different job.
We wish we could finally graduate.
We wish we had a bigger house.
We wish we made more money.
We wish we were married.
We wish we could have kids.
We wish our kids would sleep through the night.
We wish our kids would get out of diapers.
We wish we’d get that promotion.
We wish our spouse was more like someone else’s spouse.
We wish we could sell more, accomplish more, do more.

Wishing for the next stage of life is the quickest way to lose joy in this stage of life.

If I could, I’d go back and savor the small house and the beat up cars and the sleepless nights and the blown out diapers and the small beginnings.

We can never get time back.

So often we spend more time thinking about how the next thing will bring us joy that we forfeit the joy of that moment.

Contentment is the pathway to joy.

You want to experience joy immediately…be content. When we are content with who we are and where we are in life, joy is the biproduct of contentment.

I’m asking God to help me be content these days. I don’t want to miss what’s now in favor of wishing for what’s next. 

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The Difference Between Forgiveness and Trust

Most of us want to forgive. We don’t want to hold a grudge. We don’t want to be bitter. We don’t want our lives to be consumed with resentment. But more than wanting to forgive, we don’t want to be hurt again.

There is this natural belief that if we forgive, then we are not only saying what that person did was okay, we are being vulnerable enough to allow them to hurt us again.

Resentment becomes our only defense mechanism to protect our heart. I think many of us live with resentment and bitterness not because we want to, but because we’ve confused forgiveness with trust.

Forgiveness, according to Scripture should be offered unconditionally. In fact, if there are conditions, then it isn’t forgiveness. But trust has to be earned.

If you have been hurt; betrayed; abused; cheated on; lied to then it is easy to confuse these two things. In fact, so many people that we talk to often feel like they haven’t fully forgiven because their trust hasn’t been restored.

Forgiveness is a process, but trust is a prized possession. Once your trust has been broken, it becomes even more valuable.

As someone who has broken ultimate trust in my marriage can I (Justin) encourage you? Offer forgiveness freely; offer trust slowly.

Healing doesn’t come all at once. When you’ve been hurt, lied to or betrayed your heart is in a vulnerable state. What you want most is what you used to have.

What you long for is life before the porn; before the sexting; before the lie; before the cheating; before the Facebook relationship. What you are tempted to do is to equate forgiveness with trust…and when you do that you short-circuit your healing and the one whose broken your trust’s restoration.

If you desire the relationship to be restored, begin to communicate things that will build your trust. Give the person who’s hurt you an opportunity to earn your trust. Don’t hold them hostage to your suspicions…communicate with them what you desire from them to earn trust. What you shouldn’t be is fearful or paranoid…rather wise and discerning.

If you have broken trust in a relationship, it is so easy for you as well to confuse forgiveness with trust. Your feeling is “If you have really forgiven me, then we wouldn’t be having these conversations.” Ask yourself this question, “Has my spouse (friend, sister, daughter) not forgiven me, or do they not trust me?” When you confuse forgiveness with trust you begin to think that you can never do enough to be forgiven.

My guess is that it is much easier for the person you’ve hurt to forgive you than it is to trust you. They love you and want to forgive you, they are just fearful of being hurt again. Humility on your part will go a long way. Pay the price. Seek to do the little things that will earn trust.

The currency of any relationship is trust. Maybe today your relationship seems bankrupt because you’ve confused trust with forgiveness.

As we forgive, we free ourselves from bitterness. As we trust, we experience the process of restoration.

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We Prefer People Lie Rather than Be Honest

As Christians I think we’ve adopted a sliding scale of honesty. We look at situations in the news, with the IRS or other scandalous stories and we want to know the truth. We pound our fists and demand truth. The truth is supposed to win. The truth is supposed to set us free.

But in the Church, I am not sure we’re comfortable with people being truthful.

Authenticity has become a buzz word in Christianity over the past several years. We want to be authentic. We have a list of socially acceptable sins that as we feel comfortable confessing.

Most of the time the sins we don’t lie about are more behaviors than heart issues: we are too busy, we aren’t having a consistent quiet time, we lost our temper, we need to be more disciplined. We feel better because we confessed something and others perceive us as authentic.

But what about deep core issues? What about heart issues and sexual brokenness and inner thoughts and dark parts of our soul? Do we really feel comfortable with people being honest about things that we try so hard to pretend like we don’t struggle with?

Here are three reasons why I think we prefer people lie to us than be honest:

1. We like sanitized Christianity more than messy Christianity. 

We want people to believe that Jesus fixes everything. If we’re honest about our struggles, sins and mistakes then what does that do to our faith and what does it say about Jesus? Isn’t it better to pretend we’re all put together so that people think Christianity is this “once and done” decision that you make and the rest of your life you live in freedom? Messy Christianity may confuse people. We prefer the sanitized version of people over the messy version, because that appears to be more Christ-like, even though it’s fake.

2. We see the honesty of others and it confronts the dishonesty in us. 

I’ve been in conversations with people at times and they bare their soul and are completely vulnerable with me. God has used their total honesty to confront dishonesty in me that I have grown comfortable living with. When someone is transparent, it is like they hold up a mirror to us and we are able to see ourselves in relationship to the pure truth that is being shared. Judgmentalism rises from knowing the truth in others but living in denial about about the truth of ourselves.

3. We’re more comfortable with the fake versions of others.

Knowing someones hurts, fears, wounds, struggles and sins requires more of me than knowing the fake version of them. I like my perception you. I don’t like knowing your baggage or your past or your mistakes. Knowledge is responsibility. If I know the real you, then I have a responsibility to you that is greater than if I just superficially knew you. I don’t have time for that (remember I confessed to you how busy I am). We’d almost prefer others be fake with us so we can continue being fake with them.

My prayer for us is that we have the courage not just to say we want to be authentic, but to embrace the cost of authenticity. 

 

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We Prefer People Lie than Be Honest

As Christians I think we’ve adopted a sliding scale of honesty. We look at situations in the news, with the IRS or other scandalous stories and we want to know the truth. We pound our fists and demand truth. The truth is supposed to win. The truth is supposed to set us free.

But in the Church, I am not sure we’re comfortable with people being truthful.

Authenticity has become a buzz word in Christianity over the past several years. We want to be authentic. We have a list of socially acceptable sins that as we feel comfortable confessing.

Most of the time the sins we don’t lie about are more behaviors than heart issues: we are too busy, we aren’t having a consistent quiet time, we lost our temper, we need to be more disciplined. We feel better because we confessed something and others perceive us as authentic.

But what about deep core issues? What about heart issues and sexual brokenness and inner thoughts and dark parts of our soul? Do we really feel comfortable with people being honest about things that we try so hard to pretend like we don’t struggle with?

Here are three reasons why I think we prefer people lie to us than be honest:

1. We like sanitized Christianity more than messy Christianity. 

We want people to believe that Jesus fixes everything. If we’re honest about our struggles, sins and mistakes then what does that do to our faith and what does it say about Jesus? Isn’t it better to pretend we’re all put together so that people think Christianity is this “once and done” decision that you make and the rest of your life you live in freedom? Messy Christianity may confuse people. We prefer the sanitized version of people over the messy version, because that appears to be more Christ-like, even though it’s fake.

2. We see the honesty of others and it confronts the dishonesty in us. 

I’ve been in conversations with people at times and they bare their soul and are completely vulnerable with me. God has used their total honesty to confront dishonesty in me that I have grown comfortable living with. When someone is transparent, it is like they hold up a mirror to us and we are able to see ourselves in relationship to the pure truth that is being shared. Judgmentalism rises from knowing the truth in others but living in denial about about the truth of ourselves.

3. We’re more comfortable with the fake versions of others.

Knowing someones hurts, fears, wounds, struggles and sins requires more of me than knowing the fake version of them. I like my perception you. I don’t like knowing your baggage or your past or your mistakes. Knowledge is responsibility. If I know the real you, then I have a responsibility to you that is greater than if I just superficially knew you. I don’t have time for that (remember I confessed to you how busy I am). We’d almost prefer others be fake with us so we can continue being fake with them.

My prayer for us is that we have the courage not just to say we want to be authentic, but to embrace the cost of authenticity. 

 

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Will You Fight For It?

A few weeks ago, I was having lunch with a friend who was having some problems in his marriage. He began to walk me through their issues, and they weren’t unique or different or unsolvable. They were real and they were serious, but not exclusive to their relationship.

At one point in our conversation, I said to my friend, “What you need to do is you need to fight for your marriage. You are more willing to fight for your music career than your marriage.” He said, “It’s easier to fight with her than it is to fight for her.”

There is a relationship in your life right now that you need to fight for. Great relationships don’t just happen, they are prioritized. If you want any relationship to be great, you have to fight for it. What I have noticed about life is that it is so easier to fight for other things, which matter so much less:

Fight for your career
Fight for a bigger house or nicer car
Fight for peoples’ approval
Fight for your status
Fight for a business deal

We get so consumed with life; we spend the best hours of our day fighting for things that in the end don’t matter. Somewhere along the way, the people that mean the most to us get the least amount of fight from us. We fight with them, but we stop fighting for them.

Your son needs you to fight for him. Your best friend needs you to fight for her. Your wife needs you to fight for her. Your boyfriend needs you to fight for him. Your mom needs you to fight for her. Your husband needs to know you’re fighting for him.

If you want a great friendship, you have to fight for it. If you want an intimate marriage, you have to fight for it. If you want to know your son or your daughter and be known by them, you have to fight for it. If you want to have a close relationship with your sister like you used to have, you have to fight for it. If you want to rebuild your relationship with your dad, it won’t just “happen”; you have to fight for it.

The question today is are you willing to fight for it? 

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So Long Public Opinion

I (Justin) have received some pretty harsh criticism online the past few days. I’ve tried to pretend it away like it hasn’t bothered me, but it has stung pretty bad. 

This morning, God brought to mind a blog post I wrote three years ago, that gave me a dose of perspective. I hope it speaks to you today. The truth is we don’t have to live to impress anyone.

Let’s live for an audience of One. 

There are few things in this life that are more exhausting than living for the opinion of others.

I lived most of my life for the opinion of others. Trying to impress others. It was pointless in the end.  When I had an affair, was separated from my wife, resigned from the church I pastored, waited tables at P.F. Changs, and only saw my kids a few times a week…I realized that living for what other people thought of me was a miserable way to live. It was exhausting.

Maybe you are there…right now. You are worn-out. You are weary. You have forgotten who you are because you have spent so much time trying to be something for someone else.

You are tired:

Tired of performing
Tired of persuading
Tired of impressing
Tired of posing
Tired of faking
Tired from your past
Tired of fighting for approval
Tired of trying to make up for your mistakes
Tired of proving yourself
Tired of not being seen for who you really are

Maybe you’ve lived so much for the opinion of others you’ve lost sight of God’s opinion of you:

Your past is forgiven
Your future is secure
You are loved for who you are
Your true self is all God desires
Your mistakes are wiped clean
Your performance doesn’t earn God’s love
Who you are is impressive enough

My prayer for you (and for me) today is that you will find life and energy and purpose in pursuing God’s opinion of you.

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Everyone Loves FREE Stuff

Everyone loves free stuff! This week and this week only ALL digital formats of our book, Beyond Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Just Isn’t Good Enough are FREE.

Kindle: Click HERE

Nook: Click HERE

iBooks:  Click HERE

All digital formats are free. No strings attached.

We’d love your help in spreading the word about this offer. Facebook it. Twitter it. Share it with your friends and family.

Obviously, when something is free, no one makes money.

It isn’t about sales or money but more about getting the message of the book into as many hearts and marriages as possible.

Enjoy the book and share with those you know.

The movement continues.

Justin and Trish

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Fighting With the Wrong Enemy

One of the biggest mistakes I make as a Christian is that I underestimate the spiritual battle I’m a part of every day.

For years, I thought that people who talked about spiritual warfare were a little off their rocker. I knew it was in the Bible…but in my mind…it wasn’t relevant today. I didn’t want to make everything from a hangnail to a flat tire a spiritual attack…so I mostly dismissed it. If I’m honest, I still discount its presence at times in my life.

Here is what I’m reminded of today: If you are a Christ-follower that longs to make an impact with your life…you will face opposition.

So often we make the wrong person our opponent.

-Our spouse isn’t the enemy

-Our friends aren’t the enemy

-Our kids aren’t the enemy

-Our family (even your mother-in-law) isn’t the enemy

We have one Enemy that seeks to kill and destroy. He will attack the relationships that mean the most to you. He will distort truth. He will confuse motives. He will make it seem like those who you love the most are against you the most. He longs to destroy you.

You are in a battle. The Bible says that it rages in the heavenly realms, and it rages in our hearts and minds every day.

I’d like to offer you some suggestions on fighting this spiritual battle. I hope that these are an encouragement to you today:

God’s power is made perfect in your weakness. Call on him to fight for you. Stop trying to pretend you can figure everything out and just surrender to Him.
Acknowledge to those you are in relational conflict with that there are spiritual forces that are trying to destroy that relationship. Tell them that you realize that they are not the enemy, but that you have ONE enemy.
If possible, pray with that person (your wife, sister, friend) and ask God to be present in your relationship, to give you discernment and strength.
Live in the promise that greater is he that is in YOU than he that is in the world.

Maybe today you feel battle worn…in your marriage, in a relationship, emotionally, spiritually. Your Heavenly Father longs to restore your weary heart and fight for you…in this very moment.

Are you fighting with the wrong enemy? 

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