Justin Davis's Blog, page 20

The Whole Truth

I know what it’s like to be Ryan Braun. He is the Major League Baseball player that tested positive for performance enhancing drugs, got off on a technicality, then stood before the press and swore on his life he didn’t use them. He just got suspended for using performance enhancing drugs.

I know what it’s like to be Anthony Weiner. He is the New York City mayoral candidate that was involved in a sexting scandal last year. More of his addiction has come to light. More texts. More lies.

I’ve never looked into a camera and denied using performance enhancing drugs.

I’ve never had my phone records and internet history leaked to the press and been questioned about it.

My guess is you haven’t either.

I have looked at my wife and told her I didn’t struggle with pornography.

I have told the truth and given enough details to make me look accountable but not really be transparent.

I have met with an accountability partner and told him my marriage was doing great, just months before I confessed an affair.

I have sworn up and down that I don’t struggle with something only to have that struggle destroy my life and marriage.

We usually are most judgmental of the sins in others that we struggle with the most. So we shine bright lights on Ryan Braun and Anthony Weiner because they are liars. They deceived us. But the reality is all of us have withheld the whole truth.

We fear being seen as a failure. We are scared of not being loved. We are fearful of being rejected by those we love most, so we tell as much truth as we feel is safe for that relationship.

In our effort to save the relationship with partial truth, partial truth actually suffocates it a little at a time.

That is the hardest part of truth telling…telling the whole truth.

But it is the whole truth that sets us free.

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Talking to Your Kids About Sex

A few weeks ago, Trish took our oldest son, Micah (17-years-old) and our youngest son, Isaiah (10-years-old) to the doctor to get physicals for basketball camp. Everything was normal until it was time to get shots. The shots weren’t for Isaiah, they were for Micah.

As Trish sat in the room, the nurse came in and said to Micah, “I need to give you this shot, as it helps with illnesses resulting from being sexually active.” Trish said she and Micah giggled a little as he got the shot and then the nurse took him out of the room to ask him questions about sex that they don’t normally ask in front of parents.

When everyone got home, physicals, shots and sex were the talk of the afternoon. As we sat around and laughed and talked about their experience, I felt so grateful that none of our boys feel embarrassed to talk about sex, or getting shots for sex.

This reality has been a six-year journey of hard conversations, humility and prayer that I wanted to share today.

Here are four things that will help you talk to your kids about sex.

1. Move past your own baggage.

As we started talking with Micah about sex six years ago, we realized our kids don’t have baggage in this area. They feel no shame. They aren’t embarrassed. Why? They have nothing to feel ashamed of. The only shame in the conversation was shame and embarrassment we brought. We can’t project our sexual baggage onto our kids and then expect them to be open and honest with us. Moving past your own baggage is the first step.

2. “The talk” isn’t a one time thing.

Most of us had “The talk” (singular)  with our parents. One of our friends got a pamphlet put on her bed, and that was “the talk.” What Trisha and I are learning is that there isn’t “the talk” but rather an ongoing conversation. Sometimes we talk over breakfast. Sometimes it is structured and we discuss a book. Sometimes our conversation is after a date or sometimes after one of our kids gets a shot in case he is sexually active. If we want our kids to talk about sex with us, we have to have conversations (plural).

3. Share your own story.

How did you deal with sexual temptation? Lust? Pornography? Did you have sex before you were married? As your kids get older and into high school these are the questions they have. They want your help in dealing with the things they are facing. You don’t have to share the details of your story but sharing your experience reminds them that you are human and you can be trusted. They don’t need you to be perfect, just approachable. As you share your story, in age appropriate ways, they begin to initiate conversations.

4. Lead with grace.

Our kids aren’t going to be perfect. They are going to mess up. How we respond when they mess up will determine if they admit their failures or hide their failures. Grace isn’t the absence of consequences, it’s the absence of condemnation. Ask God to help you create a culture of grace in your family where mistakes are made and learned from. You’ll see a huge change in your kids when they realize that you lead with grace.

These are four things Trish and I have tried to remember as we walk three boys into manhood. We don’t always get it right. It is intimidating at times. Conversations are awkward. But it is worth it.

What would you add to the list?

It’s Not Rocket Science

When we started dating our spouse, the time we invested in that relationship was huge. We carved out time to talk; we talked for hours on the phone; we spent money we didn’t have to buy flowers; we drove long distances just to see them for a few hours; we went out to dinner three times a week. We’d call in sick to work just to spend the day together.

We had a deep desire to see that relationship develop and grow. So when conflict arose in that relationship, it seemed minimal because there had been so much investment that a minor withdrawal was easily reconciled.

So many of us got married thinking, ”Man we are the perfect couple. We rarely fight, and when we do we make-up so easily.”

But then…life happens. Careers start, and then careers start dominating our lives. Kids start being born, and then kids start dominating our lives. Schedules get busier. Work gets more demanding. Every night of the week has some game, concert, recital, or home improvement project. Gradually, our time at home consists mostly of watching TV after a long day.

The only time we have deep conversations is because there is conflict. The only times we spend together are at school functions, or baseball games, or driving in the car to one more weekend obligation. The only time we go out is to take the kids to the movies.

So we begin to argue more, and fight more and resent more and demand more and have to be right more. We begin to make withdrawals in our relationship daily, while the deposits we make become less and less.

Talking to Your Kids About Sex

A few weeks ago, Trish took our oldest son, Micah (17-years-old) and our youngest son, Isaiah (10-years-old) to the doctor to get physicals for basketball camp. Everything was normal until it was time to get shots. The shots weren’t for Isaiah, they were for Micah.

As Trish sat in the room, the nurse came in and said to Micah, “I need to give you this shot, as it helps with illnesses resulting from being sexually active.” Trish said she and Micah giggled a little as he got the shot and then the nurse took him out of the room to ask him questions about sex that they don’t normally ask in front of parents.

When everyone got home, physicals, shots and sex were the talk of the afternoon. As we sat around and laughed and talked about their experience, I felt so grateful that none of our boys feel embarrassed to talk about sex, or getting shots for sex.

This reality has been a six-year journey of hard conversations, humility and prayer that I wanted to share today.

Here are four things that will help you talk to your kids about sex.

1. Move past your own baggage.

As we started talking with Micah about sex six years ago, we realized our kids don’t have baggage in this area. They feel no shame. They aren’t embarrassed. Why? They have nothing to feel ashamed of. The only shame in the conversation was shame and embarrassment we brought. We can’t project our sexual baggage onto our kids and then expect them to be open and honest with us. Moving past your own baggage is the first step.

2. “The talk” isn’t a one time thing.

Most of us had “The talk” (singular)  with our parents. One of our friends got a pamphlet put on her bed, and that was “the talk.” What Trisha and I are learning is that there isn’t “the talk” but rather an ongoing conversation. Sometimes we talk over breakfast. Sometimes it is structured and we discuss a book. Sometimes our conversation is after a date or sometimes after one of our kids gets a shot in case he is sexually active. If we want our kids to talk about sex with us, we have to have conversations (plural).

3. Share your own story. 

How did you deal with sexual temptation? Lust? Pornography? Did you have sex before you were married? As your kids get older and into high school these are the questions they have. They want your help in dealing with the things they are facing. You don’t have to share the details of your story but sharing your experience reminds them that you are human and you can be trusted. They don’t need you to be perfect, just approachable. As you share your story, in age appropriate ways, they begin to initiate conversations.

4. Lead with grace. 

Our kids aren’t going to be perfect. They are going to mess up. How we respond when they mess up will determine if they admit their failures or hide their failures. Grace isn’t the absence of consequences, it’s the absence of condemnation. Ask God to help you create a culture of grace in your family where mistakes are made and learned from. You’ll see a huge change in your kids when they realize that you lead with grace.

These are four things Trish and I have tried to remember as we walk three boys into manhood. We don’t always get it right. It is intimidating at times. Conversations are awkward. But it is worth it.

What would you add to the list? 

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18 Things I Love about Trisha…

Eighteen years ago today, she said yes! We were young, in love and wanted to change the world. Eighteen years later, I love and appreciate her more than I did then.

I love you Trisha and I am so grateful for you. Here are 18 of the 1.8 million things I love about you.

It’s Not Rocket Science

When we started dating our spouse, the time we invested in that relationship was huge. We carved out time to talk; we talked for hours on the phone; we spent money we didn’t have to buy flowers; we drove long distances just to see them for a few hours; we went out to dinner three times a week. We’d call in sick to work just to spend the day together.

We had a deep desire to see that relationship develop and grow. So when conflict arose in that relationship, it seemed minimal because there had been so much investment that a minor withdrawal was easily reconciled.

So many of us got married thinking, ”Man we are the perfect couple. We rarely fight, and when we do we make-up so easily.”

But then…life happens. Careers start, and then careers start dominating our lives. Kids start being born, and then kids start dominating our lives. Schedules get busier. Work gets more demanding. Every night of the week has some game, concert, recital, or home improvement project. Gradually, our time at home consists mostly of watching TV after a long day.

The only time we have deep conversations is because there is conflict. The only times we spend together are at school functions, or baseball games, or driving in the car to one more weekend obligation. The only time we go out is to take the kids to the movies.

So we begin to argue more, and fight more and resent more and demand more and have to be right more. We begin to make withdrawals in our relationship daily, while the deposits we make become less and less.

How do you know if you’re living in this place? Here are some symptoms:

-You fight about the same things over and over again

-A level 2 issue in your marriage is given a level 10 response

-Rather than thinking the best about your spouse, you are consistently assuming the worst.

-You’re more than willing to give others your best, while giving your spouse your leftovers.

This is a cycle that just feeds on itself. So conflict happens more, it becomes more intense and it’s harder to get over.

Can I offer some suggestions that will begin to add value back into your marriage relationship?

-write a note to your spouse

-come home from work on time

-get a babysitter and go out to dinner

-go for a walk

-surprise him with physical intimacy

-spend 30 minutes a day talking to one another (not arguing)

-buy your wife flowers

-tell your husband you’re proud of him

These suggestions aren’t rocket science. They are really easy to forget. They are also really easy to do.

Buying flowers tonight won’t make everything thing better, but it will make tonight better. Saying, “I love you” won’t fix everything, but it will fix one thing. Break the cycle. Do something tonight you used to do when you were dating.

 

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18 Things I Love about Trisha Davis (Happy 18th Anniversary)

[image error]Eighteen years ago today, she said yes! We were young, in love and wanted to change the world. Eighteen years later, I love and appreciate her more than I did then.

I love you Trisha and I am so grateful for you. Here are 18 of the 1.8 million things I love about you.

1. I love your beautiful blue eyes.

2. I love that you believe in grace and second chances.

3. I love your sacrificial heart.

4. I love the way you cheer others on.

5. I love your laugh.

6. I love that you love big and without reservation.

7. I love the mother you are to our boys.

8. I love your willingness to allow your story to impact others.  

9. I love your lips.

10. I love the compassion you have for those that are hurting.

11. I love the way you trust God…it inspires me.

12. I love the way you tuck your hair behind your ears.

13. I love that you give 100% to everything you are called to do.

14. I love your hands.

15. I love that you are bandwagon sports fan.

16. I love how you microwave a cup of coffee two or three times before finishing it.

17. I love how you make an ordinary day extraordinary.

18. I love that you chose me 18 years ago, and you choose me again today. You are amazing.

Happy anniversary my love.

Every year I fall more in love with you.

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I’m The Worst Parent Ever

There are days that I feel like I am a great dad. I have an authentic conversation with one of my boys. I help them solve a problem that they have in a relationship. We discuss a deep spiritual truth. Those are good days.

Then there are days that I feel like the worst parent ever. I say something I regret. I checkout when I get home from work and am not engaged with them at all. I work on my computer while I sit next to them on the couch. Those are days I wish I could get back.

The other night a situation occurred with one of our boys and I had a pep talk with myself before I even addressed it. “Don’t overreact. Don’t be a jerk. Don’t accuse, just seek to understand.” Despite the pep talk, I did overreact. Despite telling myself not to be a jerk, I was a huge jerk. Despite knowing I should ask questions first, I came out firing.

I hurt my son’s feelings. I apologized and he forgave me, but my disappointment lingered. As parents we know how we want to respond to our kids, yet many times we respond in the exact opposite way.

Why do I overreact, even when I tell myself not to overreact?

Here are some things God is teaching me as I try to understand my overreaction to little mistakes and minor mess ups.

I expect too much.

Trish tells me this all the time. “He isn’t 30 years old, he is 14.” “He isn’t going to make the same decision you would make, he’s 10.” “Justin, allow him to make a 16 year old decision.” I often expect way too much from my kids. I am not even sure this is conscious. I forget what it was like to be a teenager. I forget about the pressures they face and the insecurity they feel and the desire they have to be known and accepted and loved. I’m asking God to give me right-sized expectations for each of my boys these days.

I assume the worst.

We have a montra in our family that sometimes gets lost when I parent my kids. The saying is, “Believe the best and be proven wrong.” For some reason it is easiest for me to assume the worst in my relationship with my kids. Assuming the worst always causes me to give a LEVEL 10 response to a LEVEL 2 issue. My defense is already up. My mind is already made. I’m coming out guns blazing. I’m asking God to help me believe the best.

I’m fearful they will make the same mistakes I made.

My boys are such good kids. They aren’t perfect but they pursue God. I often impose the mistakes I made growing up on them and am fearful of them making the same mistakes. Anytime you allow fear into a relationship, that relationship will never be all that it could be. I fear mistakes. Even though I know that it is often through mistakes that God grows us the most, I am fearful of them repeating my mistakes. If I’m absolutely honest, I treat them at times as if they already have repeated those mistakes. I’m asking God to help me not be fearful.

This is a longer post than we typically write, but I wanted to close by sharing with you a few things I’m doing to battle my ability to overreact. I am in process as is any parent, but these are helping me grow.

Pray for them.

I’m trying to spend a few minutes each day just praying for my boys. Sometimes it is first thing in the morning when they are still sleeping. Sometimes it is as I walk past their room. As I pray for them, I can feel God giving me his heart for them. I know He cares about them way more than I do and I need his power and patience and wisdom to guide me.

Spend time with them.

I heard James Dobson say one time, “Rules without relationship equals rebellion.” It is easier for me to enforce rules than it is to build a relationship. But rules don’t change a heart…relationships do. I’m trying to spend time with each of my boys in different ways to build into them and into our relationship.

I don’t have any of this parenting thing mastered yet, but I’m working on it.

Would love to have a little group therapy today. What is one way you are learning to grow as a parent? 

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The Hardest Battle You Can Fight

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.  E.E. Cummings

There is a fear we all live with: What if who I am isn’t enough?

What if who I really am is rejected by the people I value the most? What if I’m not enough for my friends? What if I’m not lovable enough to find a husband or wife? What if I can’t be the husband my wife expects me to be? What if I’m not the wife my husband deserves? What if I fail to be the parent my kids desperately need?

What if we are fully who we are, but who we are isn’t enough?

So rather than fight to be ourselves, we give into the lie that we’d be happier being someone else…because that is what everyone wants.

So we change and compromise and create more acceptable versions of us in an effort to gain love and what we give up is our ability to experience being loved. More than that, we give up the love we need to have for ourselves, because as we live for the approval of others we acquire a dislike for the person we become.

We begin to value acceptance more than our identity and in the process we lose both. We may feel the acceptance from others in our relational circles, but it is a false acceptance. We are never satisfied, never content because we know in our heart we aren’t being fully loved. It is impossible to be fully loved if we aren’t fully known.

The life you long to live is found in authenticity not acceptance. Living the life God created you to live is the path to joy, purpose and being fully loved.

More than anything else your wife needs you to be you today.

More than anything else your husband needs you to be you today.

More than anyone else your friends want you to be you today.

More than anyone else your kids want you to be you today.

Being you will not come natural. Being you will not come easy. Being you will not feel like the best choice. Being you is vulnerable. Being you is risky. Being you is exactly who you need to be.

You are The Beloved.

You are The Redeemed.

You are The Set Apart

You are The Image of God.

Fight today. Fight to be you. Fight to be all that God created you to be. It’s not only what your wife needs…it’s what you need. You being you isn’t just what your husband needs, it’s what you need. Being nobody today but yourself will have to be a choice you make.

Choose it.

Nobody else can be you.

 

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Re-Subscribing to RefineUs

Hey friends! Those of you that consistently follow blogs may know this, but Google Reader is no longer in existence. As a former Google Reader user, I’ve had to adjust this week to this service no longer being available. (Secretly I’m hoping like Hostess is doing with Twinkies, Google will bring back Google Reader at some point.)

Since it is a holiday weekend and you may have some extra time on your hands, I wanted to help walk you through how to subscribe to our blog moving forward.

1. SUBSCRIBE BY EMAIL

This is the easiest way to subscribe to new content. We publish 2-3 posts per week and when we hit publish, they are sent to your inbox. Just fill out the form below and you’ll start receiving content.

Enter your email address:

2. SUBSCRIBE USING RSS

Consider subscribing to content using RSS feeds through a reader like Feedly. It organizes the content you follow from blogs, news sites and podcasts all in one place. Here’s what you need to do:

Download and install Feedly for Chrome, iOS or Android.
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3. Like Us on Facebook

We are so excited about the community that is being built through our Facebook page. Just head over to RefineUs Ministries page and click like. You can comment on posts, share content and invite others to be a part of that community. This fall we are going to offer exclusive content for those that are a part of our Facebook Community.

Thank you for being a part of this movement. We hope you have an awesome July 4th weekend. We’ll be back on Monday with a new post…so re-subscribe before then!

Justin and Trish

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