Justin Davis's Blog, page 4

The One Thing You Can’t Get Back

Trish and I are preparing for our son Micah’s high school graduation party tonight.  We are scanning pictures and putting together an embarrassing slide show. It is going to be awesome.

As I look at the pictures from the last 18 years, I’m reminded of the one thing I can’t get back: TIME. Time slows down for no one. I don’t wish I could go back in time, I wish I would have valued time more.

If you are married, you have the time you need to build an amazing marriage. Will you value that time?

This weekend, we are offering you our two best marriage building resources for $59. (Save $119! Sale ends on Sunday at midnight)

MentorUs is a weekly marriage devotional that is delivered to your inbox every single week.
The RefineUs Marriage Seminar is a 6 session marriage conference you can watch anytime you like and comes with bonus videos, PDF outlines and discussion questions.

We value you and your marriage and want to give you the tools you need to maximize the time you have. Time is important, because the sale ends on Sunday at midnight.

Click HERE to get MentorUs and The RefineUs Marriage Seminar

(You will need the discount code MOM at checkout)

Maybe the time is now.

“I Do” Feels Like “I’m Done”

No one gets married expecting failure. No bride stands in a chapel full of family and friends, imagining how much she will despise her spouse in ten years. No groom gazes into the eyes of his bride, daydreaming of one day glaring at her across the courtroom as they divide their assets. We don’t aim for failed marriages, but the reality is that more than half of marriages in the United States end in divorce. Despite our dreams, despite our expectations, despite our intentions, one out of two marriages goes from “I Do” to “I’m Done.”

Maybe you are there right now. You may not be ready to hire an attorney, but you’ve resigned in your heart that this is as good as your marriage will ever be. It is easier to settle for what you have than to dream about what you wish you had. It’s less painful that way. So many couples experience a loss of hope and a longing for something to change, but become convinced that change will not come. “I Do” is starts to feel more like “I’m done.”

What can you do when those feelings come? How can you change a marriage that seems unchangeable?  Here are some things that have been lifelines for our marriage:

-Pray this Prayer: “God, change my heart to be the husband/wife you desire me to be.”

This prayer is a game changer. This prayer will not be one you will want to pray. But it is the only prayer that you have a part in seeing answered. You can pray for God to change your spouse. But you don’t have the capacity to change them. You have the capacity to allow God to change you. As God changes you, by default your marriage will change. This prayer is the first step into hope for any marriage.

-Tell This To Your Spouse:  “Our marriage isn’t what I want it to be. Let’s work on it now so we don’t lose it later.” 

I can’t tell you how many couples we’ve met with and they have been feeling like their marriage was hurting; their love was wavering; they were questioning their desire to be married for weeks, months sometimes years. Nothing good grows in darkness. You aren’t going to recapture your love for your spouse by keeping your feelings from them. Honesty is the only path to restored intimacy. You will not see anything changed in your marriage by not talking to your spouse.

-Ask this Question: “Am I willing to do the things that caused us to fall in love in the first place?”

Remember when you started dating? Remember staying up late at night talking? Remember arguing over who was going to hang up first? Remember looking for a dark street to pull the car over and make out? Remember the cheesy poem you wrote him? Remember when all of that stopped? Maybe you need to start dating again. Maybe you need to write her a love note. Maybe you need to put the kids to bed early, light some candles and fire up some Boyz II Men. Doing what caused you to fall in love will help keep you in love.

Marriage is hard. But it is possible to move from “I’m Done” back to “I Do”. These are three of your first steps in that direction.

Good Friday.

 

 

A week ago from today, this Good Friday, my family and I came together to mourn the death of a four-month-old baby girl. A baby girl whose place in our family bore many names: daughter, niece, and granddaughter. Her little casket a painful reminder of what will never be. That day death’s sting was real.

 

 

Baby Elaina wasn’t just a part of any family but MY family.

My parents have been divorced for well over a decade. Years after they divorced my mom eventually married my step-dad Keith and my dad married my step-mom Lisa. And from then on the dynamics of my family would forever change. I would learn to love this new family and see God use what was heartbreaking and broken become beautiful and for his glory.

My brother, sister and I haven’t lived near each other in almost twenty years. I left for college at the age of eighteen and never came back. And from then on, although separated by miles, we have continued to share so much life together both in the good, the bad and the unimaginably hard.

Our family has had seasons where we haven’t gotten along. We’ve had seasons where misunderstanding took its toll. Seasons where our “and from then on” was more about standing-up for our rights rather than standing up for each other. This is my family.

In the book of John we are given this tender yet unimaginable scene. Jesus has spent hours hanging on a cross, held up by nails in his hands and feet. His path to the cross began with betrayal by those he loved, mocking by those he fed and beatings by soldiers for a crime he never committed. YET… in this moment when Jesus had every right to stand-up for himself, to hold those who betrayed him accountable, to literally call fire from heaven to annihilate them… his response was only one of love.

Jesus, hanging on the cross, musters up just enough breath to speak to John and his mother.

26  When Jesus saw his mother standing there beside the disciple he loved, he said to her, “Dear woman, here is your son.” 27 And he said to this disciple, “Here is your mother.” And from then on this disciple took her into his home.

Even nearing death Jesus was fighting for reconciliation, moments before the ultimate reconciliation would take place. And in his death, Jesus, has forever changed how we can be reconciled with a Holy God.

The picture below represents what its like to live a “and from then on” messy life. It’s a picture of what Jesus taught us on the cross. Life was going to be different for his mother Mary and his disciple John and life would be different for us too. From now on we get to live in this messy, broken world with forgiveness, humility, grace and LOVE. A love, which brings a very broken family together, to mourn the death of a baby girl, united in a deep irreplaceable love only found in Jesus.

 

 

Wherever you find yourself this Good Friday, I pray you will choose this new life. Where you get to experience life and relationships to the fullest even in the most unbearable hard parts of life. BECAUSE SUNDAY IS COMING! Jesus didn’t stay on the cross. Three days later he would bring new life and life to its fullest. Not a life without heartache or pain but a life of FREEDOM bought on the cross so that “from then on” LOVE WINS!

 

 

The Biggest Hurdle to a Better Marriage

Money is the biggest hurdle to couples investing in their marriage.  When marriages are in trouble most of the time finances are too. That was the case for us when our marriage imploded.

Every week we receive emails from people sharing with us how broken their marriage is. When we share resource options or invite them to join us for the RefineUs Weekend here in Nashville, the most common hinderance is financial.

It is vicious cycle. We don’t have money to invest in our marriage and our marriage doesn’t get better because we don’t invest in it. We want to help break that cycle by giving you a huge discount on The RefineUs Marriage Seminar.

We want to make our marriage resources accessible to more couples. If money is the biggest hurdle to people investing in their marriage we will do all we can to lower that hurdle.

Right now, we are cutting the price of the 6-session Marriage Seminar by 55%.

  The seminar is loaded with content covering topics like communication, conflict resolution, forgiveness, sexual intimacy and God’s vision for marriage. (Plus bonus videos from Natalie Grant, Patsy Clairmont and Mike Grayson)

For the next week instead of this 6 session seminar being $119, you can get all six sessions, the outlines and discussion questions as well as 4 bonus videos for $53.55.

We’ve seen this seminar transform marriages, heal relationships, open up new conversations and reconnect couples in a brand new way. We want you to have this resource. 

Click HERE to get this 6-Session Marriage seminar for 55% off.

(You will need the discount code “MARRIAGE” at check out.)

Feature Friday: The Unveiled Wife

This week we’ve shared a big announcement, as well as, a big disappointment.

With so much sharing going on we thought this would be a great time to announce one more thing… FEATURE FRIDAY!

As the ministry of RefineUs has grown over the past six years, it has allowed us to meet amazing people doing amazing things to share the love of Christ. From non-profit organizations to authors writing life-changing books, Justin and I want to create a way to introduce them to our RefineUs community!

So welcome to our very first FEATURE FRIDAY!

We can’t think of a better person to feature for our very first Feature Friday than our friend Jennifer Smith and her new book The Unveiled Wife! (Get it on Amazon HERE)

We first met Jennifer in the blogging sphere but became real life friends when we spent time together this past August, while we were speaking at Crossroads Church in Corona, California.

Jennifer is passionate about helping wives live an unveiled life of freedom found in being fully known and loved by God in order to fully know and love their husbands. The resources she offers are rich, honest and birthed out of her own marriage journey. Her daily prayers and words of encouragement will inspire you, as well as challenge you to be intentional about your marriage.

Tomorrow, Jennifer is offering a FREE live webcast from 6PM-7PM CST. This will be a great event with thousands of other women learning what it means to live unveiled in all relationships. To register, just CLICK HERE. 

 

Dreaming in the Dry Season

Our second book got turned down.

I’ve written the opening paragraph to this post several times trying to ease into that sentence, but each explanation only waters down what we felt from that rejection, so I just decided to lead with it.

Last August, Trish and I were so excited because we’d spent much of the summer pouring our hearts into a new book proposal: No More Halos: Because Being Real is More Important than Being Perfect.

We shot an intro video to share with publishers. Our agent was pumped. We were expectant.

Beyond Ordinary is the story of our marriage; this new book is our life message. This isn’t a marriage book. We were going to help people find healing and freedom through honesty and authenticity.

Our agent submitted the thirty page proposal to all the major publishing houses and gave them a deadline when all offers were due back. We circled that date on the calendar. The hard work was done; now God would come through with a strong offer from a great publisher. It was just a matter of time.

The day came in October to review the offers and our agent listed each publisher that had looked at the proposal, and said all of them like it. Great news! The majority of them took it to their Pub Board (which is the final step before an offer). Getting to that stage with multiple publishers…even more amazing.

All of them declined.

This wasn’t one rejection; this was a rejection by multiple publishers.

Tears streamed down Trisha’s face as we heard the news. My ears got really hot and I felt like I did in 8th grade when I didn’t see my name on the final roster for the basketball team.

We didn’t have a contingency plan for not getting the book deal. Where do we go from here?

October, November and December of 2014 was a dry season. God had closed a door.

If this wasn’t the direction we were supposed to go, what was?

Sometimes God’s greatest dreams for us are birthed out of life’s biggest disappointments. Tweet This

It’s only after a door is closed that our hearts are open to God’s preferred future.

The dream for Hope City Church has lived in our hearts for a few years. We’ve talked about planting a church. We’ve discussed moving back to Indianapolis several times. We hadn’t given ourselves permission to dream beyond this next book.

It took going through a dry season last year to have the courage to pursue it.

Maybe you’re in a dry season right now. You are disappointed or discouraged or just don’t have much direction.

Embrace the dry season.

Here are 3 benefits to the dry season:

Life is quieter

Most of the time, it’s not that God doesn’t speak to us, we are too busy to hear his voice. A dry season can provide quiet that we desperately need to connect with God’s vision for our life.

Direction is clarified.

In the middle of our dry season, I felt God speak to my heart, “Don’t ask me for direction then resent me for closed doors.” The dead end you face today may give way to a brand new path tomorrow.

You grow.

When you walk with God through a dry season, you will have a greater purpose on the other side. God uses the dry seasons of our life to mold our hearts, shape our souls and grow our character to pursue the dreams he has for us.

A new season is coming. Hang on to HOPE.

A HUGE Announcement From Justin and Trish

Stepping out in faith is never easy, but it as we take faith steps we experience God’s presence the most. Over the past five years, this community has shaped our family our ministry and our marriage. We’ve done our best to inspire you to trust God in new and challenging ways. We are so very thankful for you. We’ve been anticipating sharing this news with you for a few weeks and today is the day!

This summer our family will be moving from Nashville to Indianapolis to start a brand new church on the north side of the city. 

We believe hope changes everything. We want to help as many people as possible find hope and follow Jesus.  The name of the new church is Hope City Church.

We can’t answer all the questions you might have so we’ve done some Q&A below to share with you some of the next steps for us, for RefineUs and for the new church.

We will also be doing a series of blog posts over the next few weeks to walk you through the journey we’ve been on and to inspire you to purse your dreams and calling.

Q: What does Hope City mean for RefineUs?

A: We’ve never been more excited about RefineUs. We get to speak at some amazing churches all across the country and invest in marriages. We love it and want to continue to help marriages go beyond ordinary. We will still partner with churches, conferences and denominations to pour into marriages. We will also continue to share content and develop resources designed to help as many people experience the marriage God has in mind. Be on the lookout for some brand new resources this summer.

Q: Will Hope City be a campus or plant of Cross Point?

A: For the past six years we’ve had the privilege of being on staff at one of the best churches in the world, Cross Point Church. Our best friends, Pete and Brandi Wilson offered us a second chance in ministry in 2009 and we are so grateful for their friendship and belief in us. Cross Point has been a huge supporter of RefineUs, creating a part time role for Justin so we could devote our full time effort to RefineUs over the past two years. Cross Point is providing financial support for Hope City, but the new church won’t be an Indianapolis location or plant of Cross Point.

Q: When will you move from Nashville to Indianapolis?

A: We will move sometime during the month of July. Our kids have activities here in Nashville through June and then start their new schools in Indiana in August, so July is the perfect window to move and get settled.

Q: What is the timeline for the new church?

A: There are four phases to this process: Communicating, Planning, Pre-Launch, and Launch. (Fundraising is a part of each phase) Right now we are in the communication phase. We’ve spent the past month sharing this vision with our friends, family and the Cross Point staff. We are taking the next step today sharing it with you. Over the next few weeks we will put together a board of overseers, a business plan and timeline. We are talking to three different church planting organizations about a strategic partnership and will have that in place before we move. When we move this summer that will start the pre-launch phase, and the church will launch sometime in 2016.

Q: How much will it cost to launch Hope City Church?

A: We are still in the process of putting together a planning (conferences, assessments and training) budget, a pre-launch budget and a launch budget. While the numbers aren’t final, the cost range to start the church from scratch will be $225,000-$300,000. This includes facilities, operations, capital expenses (equipment and supplies) and staffing. Our dream is to hire three additional pastors to help start Hope City. Right now we have $36,000 committed.

Q: How can I be involved?

A: As a part of the RefineUs community we appreciate you so much. Whether you know it or not, God has used you to inspire us and teach us, to encourage us and refine us. We want you to feel like you are a part of every single life that is changed in Indianapolis through this new church. There are three ways you can be involved:

1. Pray. We want to have 100 prayer partners before we even move to Indy. If you are willing to pray for us would you take a minute and email us by clicking here? We need and covet your prayers. Ministry is hard. Starting a church is hard. Without the power of God through the vehicle of prayer, we don’t have a chance.

2. Invest. Partner with us on a monthly basis. Between now and May our goal is partner with 50 people that will commit to giving $100 per month for the next year to this new church. As you pray for us, would you pray about bringing hope and healing to the city of Indianapolis through your financial partnership? (All donations are tax-deductible).

3. Share. Will you share this announcement with anyone you know that lives close to Indianapolis? This fall we will begin launch team meetings and we are already asking God to assemble a group of people that are passionate about helping people find hope and follow Jesus.

If you are still reading this post, you’re either our family members or God has given you the gift of patience.  Thank you so much for being a part of this community. We are excited to see God continue to do amazing things with RefineUs and help people find hope through Hope City Church.

To stay informed about Hope City Church or to give online GO HERE.

Four Choices That Will Improve Any Marriage

There are certain issues in your marriage that can’t be changed today. No matter how hard you try, some marriage improvements take time.  But these four choices we’re sharing with you today will instantly improve your marriage. Trisha and I have personally seen these four things change our marriage for the good and the absence of these four things change our marriage for the bad. Choosing all four is possible. But even choosing just one is a game changer:

1. Assume the best about your spouse. 

Trisha and I spent years being defensive with one another. She would ask me a question and I was defensive. I would say something to her and she was defensive. Being defensive will never build intimacy. When you assume the worst of  your spouse, you automatically put them in defense mode. In defense mode, responsibility isn’t taken, grace isn’t shown, patience runs thin and arguments are frequent. When you assume the best of your wife or your husband, there is a confidence that even when you disagree, you know in your heart that your spouse is for you. When you have confidence that your husband or your wife is for you, intense discussions can build intimacy instead of shredding it. Assume the best and be proven wrong.

2. Listen more and speak less

I am a recovering control freak. Control freaks have to be right and have to have the last word. Because I was always trying to prove I was right and always trying to have the last word, I would listen but only to have a response or counterpoint. Sound familiar? Do you interrupt your spouse when she is talking? Do you find yourself thinking of a response in your head as your husband is speaking? Do you not even acknowledge what has been said before you prove how right you are? Your marriage would change today if you listened to your spouse in order to understand, rather than to be understood. Scripture puts it like this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

3. Stop Trying to Change Your Spouse

I wish I could have back the amount of time, energy and emotions Trisha and I have spent believing that we could change the other. We thought if we yelled loud enough, made our point strong enough, were right enough, slammed the door hard enough…they would change. It never worked. When you and I assume the responsibility to change the heart of our spouse, we assume the role of God in our marriage.  Can I just set you free from something: you don’t have the power to change a human heart; only God does. The best advice I can give that will transform your marriage is to pray for your spouse and ask God to change you. Praying for your spouse may not change them, but it will always change you. Tweet This

4. Stop putting your spouse down in public 

This was something that I did for years. I didn’t even realize how often I did this until our separation. One evening at dinner, Trisha shared with me many examples of me being condescending to her or making fun of her in front of other people. I felt horrible. When we make fun of our spouse or insult our spouse in front of others what we communicate is how insecure we are with ourselves. Do you build your spouse up in front of others or tear them down?  There is nothing that will erode intimacy quicker than putting your spouse down in front of others. On the other hand, there is nothing more fulfilling than having your wife/husband compliment you in front of your friends or your family. It is a game changer.

I Want to Be Desperate

I want to be desperate for God. I want to desire an intimate relationship with God more than I desire anything else. What is true about me, and maybe true about you is that I tend to pursue and am desperate for what God can do for me, more than I am desperate for God, Himself. I am desperate for the benefits of having a relationship with God, more than I am desperate for the relationship itself. So I find myself pursuing things that I think will satisfy, but always leave me wanting more. I’m…

Desperate for acceptance
Desperate for approval
Desperate for intimacy
Desperate for relationships
Desperate for happiness

If we were honest, we would say that we are more desperate to improve our lives than we are to know more deeply the One who is life. So we substitute knowing God with figuring out what He can (should) give us. If we are a Christian, God will give us a good marriage. If we are a Christian, God will give us a good relationship with our kids. If we are a Christian, God will give us deep and meaningful friendships. If we are a Christian, God will give us a faithful spouse. If we are a Christian, God will give us a level of happiness that will surpass all of the troubles of life. If we are a Christian, God will give us a fulfilling career. If we are a Christian, God will give us…….and so many people sit in brokenness because they are a Christian, and yet, God hasn’t “given” them what they thought He would (should).

I know this way of living, because I have lived it. I bet, many of you are living it right now. You can’t put your finger on what is wrong, but you know deep down in your heart, something isn’t right. There is a sense of restlessness, a sense of disappointment, a sense of loss that you feel, but don’t know why. You are unsatisfied…

Unsatisfied with your job
Unsatisfied with your marriage
Unsatisfied with your kids
Unsatisfied with your church
Unsatisfied with your life

Marriages don’t just explode. Affairs don’t just happen. Divorces don’t just develop overnight. Kids don’t just instantly rebel. Relationships don’t just melt down. Maybe your are desperate for the wrong things…not bad things, just the wrong things.

Maybe you are seeking what God can offer you more than you are seeking God.

Maybe what your marriage needs most is for you to stop seeking to be right, and just seek God.

Maybe what your kids need most is for you to stop seeking to rule over them, and just seek God more.

Maybe what will allow you to experience more joy at work is to seek God in spite of your circumstances.

Maybe you’ve pursued satisfaction more than you have God, and you’ve ended up with neither.

4 Questions to Ask When You’re In An Argument

Conflict is a part of every relationship. What I’ve (Justin) recognized about myself is that most of my relational regrets have conflict attached to them.

I have been in arguments with Trish and have said things that I didn’t mean. I have talked to my kids in a tone of voice that crushes their spirit. I have been right in principle and sinful in delivery. There have been arguments that I knew in my heart I was wrong, but I was so committed to winning, I continued to make my point.

It is easiest for me to be the harshest, the least patient and the most volatile with the people I love the most. The words we say matter. The words we say and how we say them in conflict will stick with others long after the argument is over.

Here are four questions you can ask yourself to change the way you argue: 

Is this really that big of a deal?

How great are we at arguing about things that don’t matter? I’ve gotten in huge arguments about such small issues. I’m amazed at how many arguments can lose their intensity if I’ll ask, “Is this really that big of a deal?” Usually the answer is, “No.” At that point, I have to decide if my pride is more important than their heart. That leads into the second question.

Do I care more about this person or this issue?

This speaks to value. What do I value most? Do I care more about my wife having time for herself or having dinner ready when I think it should be ready? Do I care more about the money that was spent at Target or the heart of my wife? It is so easy to place value on the issues and lose sight of the person we say we love.

Am I trying to be right or do the right thing?

When winning an argument becomes my goal, I’ll be happy when they lose. Conflict is always resolved best when two people win. You can win an argument and lose your husband’s heart. You can win an argument and lose your wife’s respect. You can win an argument and lose a friend’s loyalty. Being right isn’t the same as doing right.

Is how I’m reacting reflecting my heart?

Ever give a level 10 response to a level 2 issue? Do you ever scream or cuss or slam doors or walk out of the room talking under your breath? Your reaction doesn’t match your heart? What if you stopped when you’re yelling at your child or screaming at your husband or cussing at your friend and ask, “Is how I’m reacting to this reflecting who I want to be?” Talk about disarming. Talk about attitude shifting.

Here is the deal…you can’t behave your way into better relationships. Better relationships come from a transformed heart. These questions won’t just change your behavior they will begin to help you change your heart toward the people you love the most.