David S. Atkinson's Blog, page 277

Boston AWP 2013 Scandal Report Day 3: The 2013 AWP Drinking Game

AWP 2013 in Boston continues to be scandal ridden as reports of a 2013 AWP drinking game have surfaced. Writing conferences have long been associated with drinking, being one of the few occasions for writers to socialize and cut loose, but the reported 2013 AWP drinking game takes the situation to all new levels of depravity.

As of yet, we have been unable to discover the full set of rules for the 2013 AWP drinking game. Here are a few rules that we have been able to discover:

- Take one drink if someone asks you to sign your book (modify to three drinks if they actually appear to have read it, modify to an entire bottle of Vermouth guzzled while crying in your conference room hotel if NO ONE asks you to sign your book)

- Take two drinks if you meet one of your writing heroes (modify to five drinks if you can’t actually talk when meeting them, modify to seven drinks and become belligerent if your writing hero has actually heard of you)

- Take one drink any time someone says the word “verisimilitude”

- Take two drinks every time you reflect that you aren’t actually doing any writing while attending the conference and become depressed

- Take five drinks every time one of your friends tells you about one of their literary successes

Clearly, it can be seen what kind of drunken debauchery this game would result in. We can only hope that these writers pass out before they do any kind of serious damage to be beautiful city of Boston. Beyond that, our hopes must rest with the authorities.

Boston AWP 2013 Scandal Report Day 2: Not Even Writers Read Anymore

On only the first full actual day of AWP 2013 in Boston, the event is again rocked by scandal. This time it was discovered that the entire writing world has pretty much stopped reading anything. Though railing frequently about literacy and shrinking audiences for their work, apparently the entire AWP convention finally admitted that they didn’t read anymore either.

The shocking revelation came to light during a talk by Professor Lighthearted Englebottom of the English and Literature Department of DeVri Online University. The professor had asked the audience for an example in Steinbeck’s work of religious aestheticism. When no one could come up with one, the professor offhandedly demanded: “What, don’t you people read?” Perhaps most amazingly of all, the audience admitted that this was actually the case. The professor then was forced to admit that he didn’t read either, particularly the works on which his lecture was based.

“I mean,” one conference attendee reportedly commented, “I always wanted to be a writer. I never wanted to READ anything. I guess I just always thought someone else was doing that. Turns out, no one is.”

AWP officials are still scrambling to determine how this will affect the conference, both for the current time and for later years. Technically, AWP is a writing conference as opposed to a reading one, so perhaps nothing will happen. In any event, the entire conference was pretty surprised.

Boston AWP 2013 Scandal Report Day 1: All Attendees Found To Be Bankers Pretending To Be Writers

AWP 2013 in Boston is scarcely underway and the conference has already been rocked by scandal. The event was just getting underway when AWP secret police discovered that there wasn’t a single actual writer at the conference. Apparently, the entire conference was a huge group of bankers who had passed themselves off as writers attending the conference.

At first, the scandal seemed to be a mystery. However, as the investigation proceeded, AWP secret police discovered that not a single writer was able to afford attendance this year. Instead, a group of bankers posed as the writers and used the conference as an excuse to have a drinking vacation.

“Really?” An AWP official reported commented. “All of them were fake? We knew we’d get a few of those. I mean, how can writers afford a grand for a hotel, much less airfare and conference registration fees? Still, we thought a few would get grants or get their university department to pay for it…but not one?”

How the bankers managed to pass themselves off as writers is not entirely known at this time. Apparently, the charade began to come to light when a conference registration table worker mentioned Charles Dickens and a purported writer responded: “Who?”

I Apparently Have Lost My Ability To Mix A Drink

I used to be able to mix a decent drink, even with limited materials on hand. Granted, I used to tend to mix them a little stronger than most other people liked (my own preferences being a bit to the ‘strong’ side), but they were drinkable. However, since I’ve stopped drinking, apparently my ability to mix a drinkable drink has fallen off a bit.

I was going down to the kitchen last night and my wife asked me to mix her a cocktail. I think she was kidding, but I decided to mix her one anyway. This did not go well.

The liquor wasn’t a problem. There were several choices right in the kitchen. Mixers, however, were another story. Other than the liquor itself, all we had was pure cranberry juice (not a cranberry juice cocktail, no sugar at all) and ice tea.

Still, I did the best I could. I put a little Appleton’s rum in a glass with some ice. Then I added a bunch of blue curacao, some pure cranberry juice, and some water to thin out the pure cranberry juice, and stirred. You see, it was my thought that the good amount of blue curacao would cure the tartness of the pure cranberry juice. Of course, not drinking anymore, I could not taste it to be sure.

I then brought the drink to my wife. She took a sip and her face contorted violently. Apparently, it was still a bit tart.

We were able to fix it, or at least my wife made me think so. She had me get her a packet of Crystal Light pink lemonade powder, which she then added and said it fixed things fine. Of course, she barely drank any of it and put it in the fridge at the end of the night.

So, I guess I can’t mix a drinkable drink anymore. I’ve apparently lost the instinct since I stopped drinking (though I was always big on vodka or bourbon and water so maybe I never really had much instinct on tasty mixed drinks). Next time I’ll just grab her one of her pear ciders or something.

I Miss HotnNow

I just want to say that I miss HotnNow:

I’m sure you all remember this place. If not, you should. The place was great.

I mean, it wasn’t like the food was that good, but it was at least as good as most of the other fast food out there. The benefit? It actually was fast, at least as it was originally thought up. No waiting, no cold food, just cheap food made right then and made quickly.

Seriously, it was cheap as crap. That wasn’t why it failed either. I heard that Pepsi sold it to some guy who drained all the money out of the company and then Pepsi bought it back to avoid tarnishing their name. Other than that, it was a sound business model.

I could really go for HotnNow right now. I’m not even hungry and I could still go for it. Of course, HotnNow isn’t exactly cooperating.

Note: after this ran, someone found an old photo of me at HotnNow from back in the early nineties. I decided to update this to include it:

“Bones Buried in the Dirt” Finally Falls Into The Millions Ranking For Books On Amazon

Bones Buried in the Dirt has had a good run so far, and I’d like to thank everyone who has bought, read, and/or supported the book in any way. However, it’s finally happened. Bones Buried in the Dirt has fallen into the millions rankings for books on Amazon.

Really, the book has done pretty well. It stayed out of the million ranking level in books for its first two months. Late on the date of its two month anniversary of the release on Amazon, though, it did finally fall into the millions.

Regardless, I’d like to thank everyone for their support. I’d like to thank everyone who bought the book, read it, wrote reviews (and I still encourage anyone who has read it and hasn’t reviewed on Amazon or Goodreads to do so), or anything like that. The book isn’t over or anything, but things have gone really well so far and I have all of you to thank.

Of course, you can still buy Bones Buried in the Dirt (whether from Amazon, Tattered Cover, of the Bookworm in Omaha), review it, or anything like that you can think of. Even though we’ve already dropped into the millions, I’m still immensely grateful for support. Also, I hope you’re all enjoying reading.

Apparently The ‘Blue’ In Blue Curacao Is Necessary After All

I happened to notice my wife’s bottle of Blue Curacao sitting on the counter this morning and I thought to myself: Is the ‘blue’ really necessary in the name? Can’t we just call it ‘Curacao?’ It’s not like there are any other colors, are there? Well, turns out I was wrong. Take a look:

I haven’t done an extensive amount of research on this, but we apparently at least have Orange Curacao. Who knows? Maybe it’s like kryptonite and there are a whole slew of colors our there, green just being the most common.

I’ve never heard of any Curacao other than Blue Curacao. Has anyone else? Apparently there is orange, but this is news to me. I didn’t tend to drink a whole lot of fruity drinks when I was drinking, but it seems like I should have come across this before if other Curacaos are at all common out there.

Of course, it doesn’t look like the color impacts the flavor at all. Curacao is still orange-flavored, regardless of the color as far as I can tell. I suppose it isn’t really important at all, but I wondered and managed to learn something new.

Quick! Let’s Misbehave! There’s No Pope Right Now!

Hey! There’s no Pope right now! That means there’s no one in charge! We can do whatever we want and not go to hell!

This is like being left home alone while your parents are out for the night. Jump on beds. Order pizza. Go snoop around in all the stuff they keep hidden in their closet. Prank call neighbors. Prank call yourself. The captain is out to lunch and the sailors can take over the ship.

Seriously, no one is in charge of the Church right now. We can do whatever we want. Take advantage of it! Commit heresy. Nominate your dog for sainthood. There are no rules! There is no authority and there are no limits!

Of course, you should keep in mind that I have absolutely no understanding of Catholic theology. There might be rules covering this sort of thing and my advice might conceivably get you sent to hell. I doubt it, but it’s possible.

Still, why not have a little fun?

Stop By And See Me At The River Otter Press/Grey Sparrow Table At AWP!

Hey! Are you going to be at AWP next week in Boston? Why not stop by and see me at the River Otter Press/Grey Sparrow table at the bookfair? I’ll be there quite a bit. You can buy a copy of Bones Buried in the Dirt there and I’ll sign it. If you’ve already bought a copy, stop by and I’ll sign it anyway. Or, just stop by to say hello.

That’s not all the table will have. Luke Hawley (author of The Northwoods Hymnal), Tim Stobierski (author of Chronicles of a Bee Whisperer), and Joseph Michael Owens (author of Shenanigans!) will be there as well, and so will be copies of The Northwoods Hymnal, Chronicles of a Bee Whisperer, and Shenanigans!. Stop by to buy, or to get signatures, or just to stalk us. We’re good with it all.

And that’s not all. We’ll have other stuff, like maybe copies of Approaching by Hugh Fox, Overwatch by Allen Gray, In the Silence of this Room, Snow Jewel, and print copies of Grey Sparrow Journal.

We’ll be there Thursday March 7th, Friday March 8th, and Saturday March 9th from 8:30am to 6:00pm. We don’t know where our table will be in the bookfair yet, but look for us. We hope to see you there.

Vatican Decides Just To Not Have A Pope For A While

Pope Benedict XVI recently delivered his final address, his official stepping down scheduled for Thursday. More surprising, however, was the Vatican’s announcement that they had just decided to: “Do without a Pope for a little bit.”

Normally, the lack of a Pope (usually by the decease of the previous Pope) results in an immediate College of Cardinals in order to select a new Pope. While that was the expectation of most as to what happened when Pope Benedict XVI stepped down, the Vatican apparently had other ideas.

“You know, man,” a Vatican spokesperson reportedly commented, “Popes have been causing the Church a lot of trouble lately. Think about it…do we really need one? They’re kind of more trouble than they’re worth. We’ll just not elect a new one and see what happens. Play it by ear.”

The news stunned Catholics the world over. After all, Catholicism has always looked to the Pope as the figurehead of the religion, God’s representative on Earth, though many Catholics when challenged can’t say for sure exactly what Popes are supposed to do. We’ll just have to wait and see how this plays out for the Church. Reports of a backup plan of electing a new Pope and not telling anyone who it is are also circling.