David S. Atkinson's Blog, page 275

I Can’t Decide Whether Urinal Video Games Appall Me Or Not

I’m still trying to decide whether the idea of urinal video games appall me or not. Really, check out that article. Apparently a minor league affiliate of the Philadelphia Phillies is getting ready to debut a urinal gaming system in Allentown. I’m not joking about this.

Apparently, there is supposed to be a video display above the urinal. When you walk up, the system starts game play. You control the game by aiming to the left or to the right. Specific details about games are not discussed.

Is this horrifying? Is it a fun idea? I just can’t decide.

I can definitely see some guys going for this. I know a lot of guys who like video games, and most will do anything to take their attention off the fact that there are other guys standing next to them while they are going to the bathroom. It does sound ridiculous as hell, but I suppose why not. I suppose guys have done stupider things.

This does raise a few issues, though. What about guys with prostate problems? Can you cheat with a squirt gun? Will guys drink too much at the ballpark in order to need to use the restroom more and try to get the high score? Will this distract mental concentration from important activities such as aiming (janitorial staff and subsequent users would not like this one)? Would this cause men to dally in the bathroom at venues where many people may be waiting in line for their turn to go to the bathroom (“Hurry up! I gotta go!” “Hold on, I’m about to beat this level.”)? Does this make guys look even more ridiculous than they absolutely have to?

Honestly, I’m shaking my head. It definitely sounds dumb…but at the same time I admit that this could become wildly successful. And, I have to admit, it does sound kind of interesting.

If She’s The Head Of The US ‘Secret’ Service Then Why Do We Keep Saying Her Name?

As pleased as I am that a female director of the US secret service has finally been chosen (not that I think a female will necessarily do a different job than a male, more that we finally are starting to look to the entire population for qualified candidates), I have to wonder if we should keep saying her name.

Julia Pierson. See? Even I said it. However, this is supposed to be the ‘secret’ service. It doesn’t seem very secret if we keep telling people about her. Seems like it makes it a bit more difficult to be secret.

It kind of reminds me of the bit from Yellowbeard where the page steps into the queen’s chamber and, in front of all the court, announces: “Head of her Majesty’s secret service! Not to be read out aloud!” The page then attempts to recover by chucking and saying: “Excuse me. Little joke on my part.” Of course, it still remains secret to the queen in the movie, as she is an idiot and somehow gets the idea that the announced person is a bee keeper.

Anyway, I know that the identity of the director of the Secret Service probably doesn’t need not need to be kept a secret. It just seems funny.

Simple Tips To Survive Passover

Since passover started at sunset yesterday (I think), I thought it might be wise to go over a few tips. These are all pretty simple things, but you’d be surprised how often people could go wrong on these. I just thought I’d share. A safe passover is a happy passover.

- First of all, if you happen to be keeping any Israelites in bondage, let them go. I can’t stress this enough. Don’t wait around on this, just go ahead and do it right away. Let those Israelites go.

- One thing to keep in mind during passover, if you see all the Israelites in your neighborhood doing something, like perhaps painting their doorways with the blood of lambs, you might want to consider doing it too. It might seem odd, but you never know when it might come in handy.

- Again, let those Israelites go. I can’t stress this one enough. That’s why it shows up twice on this list.

- If you do happen to have Israelites in bondage, don’t make them make bricks without straw. Why the heck would you even think of doing that? Sure, I understand you want to punish the Israelites for wanting to leave. I’m appalled, but I comprehend your thinking. However, you’ll end up with unstable buildings. That straw has a function. Don’t cut off your buildings to spite the Israelites.

- Last, if you did have Israelites in bondage and you did let them go only to decide later that you wanted them back and you manage to corner them at the edge of some body of water only to have that body of water split and them run away across the suddenly appeared dry land, don’t follow. Just let them go. Trust me, you do not want to follow them. Just turn around and go home.

Well, there you have it. I can’t guarantee that there aren’t other things you should do in order to survive passover, but I think you’ll definitely be better off if you keep this list in mind. Just saying.

“My Pet Serial Killer”: I Profile Michael Seidlinger As A Serial Killer

Yesterday on this blog as part of the promotion of My Pet Serial Killer where Michael Seidlinger profiles various bloggers as a serial killer, he profiled me as a serial killer. Then I thought, why should he have all the fun? Hell, I thought I’d profile him:

Alias/Known As: “That Sick Writerly Bastard”

Real name: Michael J. Seidlinger

Number of victims: Impossible to determine at a given moment–increases constantly in relation to readership of My Pet Serial Killer.

Description:

~Operates by sneaking into victims minds and unwinding illusions/gutting preconceived notions as opposed to physical attacks on corporeal bodies.

~Voted ‘most likely to disturb’ by a high school he didn’t even attend. Twice.

~Thought to subtly conceal his deadly writerly word weapons within multiple layers of seemingly innocuous narrative and description.

~Due to the fact that his method of murder technically doesn’t kill the corporeal bodies of victims, murder laws all over the world had to be revised in order to fight his crimes. Such amended murder laws are referred to as ‘writerly murder’ statutes.

~Rumored to have an unnatural fascination/fear of cymbal monkeys:

~Known to use the word ‘writerly’ in casual conversation, often in situations where the term makes no sense.

~Was once apprehended by police, but arresting officers later found sobbing alone in squad car and were never again able to communicate by coherent speech much less relate what happened or where the suspect went.

He’s hesitating so I begin to pull him away but then he buckles, “I’m yours! I’m yours!” And then I’m telling him it’s all easy if you’re willing to do everything I say. As long as he lends every inch of himself as well as every aspect of his work, to me, everything will be taken care of. He’ll never be found and I’ll do all the finding for him.

No one will ever be the same.

“My Pet Serial Killer”: Michael Seidlinger Profiles Me As A Serial Killer

As part of the promotion of My Pet Serial Killer, Michael Seidlinger is doing a blog tour where he profiles the respective blogger as a serial killer. He was cool enough to do one for me. Here ’tis:

Alias/Known As: “That Guy”

Real name: David S. Atkinson

Number of victims: -8

Description:

~Known to wander into local police precincts under pretense of criminal charge.

~Confessed to crimes proven to later have not been committed.

~Continued fictional portrayal of criminal activities online and offline via blog and newspaper classifieds.

~Wrote long diatribes under guise of victims; posted diatribes on social media and blogs.

~Confessed to crimes at local precinct; released under lack of cause/no crime committed.

~Spent upwards of 40 hours in local drunk tank under false charges.

~Has clean record; yet to have a single recorded criminal charge on record.

Be Mine

“So no matter what, the media’s going to make the victim as innocent as can be, no matter what the victim might have done, there’ll be this disconnection from reality and fiction when it comes to serial murder so it doesn’t really mean that much to answer why, and I’m really trying not to answer the question why because no matter how hard I try I’m not going to be saying what you want me to say because I don’t really know what you want. I don’t know the answer. I’m only an observer. Even if I’m a great one, all I can do is observe.”

Ice Cream Guy Is A Braver Man Than I

I know everyone is already talking about ice cream guy, but I just saw this video and froze. Terror ran up and down my spine. I’ll explain in a moment, but check out the video first:

I’m sure it’s all just funny for everyone else, but it isn’t for me. If I had tried to pull this sort of thing, I would have died. I’m serious. My wife would have killed me. Straight up. Ice cream is not a joke.

I mean, this guy is all cavalier about it. He’s messing with her. That would not have flown for me. My wife would have socked me one right across the jaw and taken the entire cone. And, frankly, that would have been the good outcome. You don’t want to hear the bad one. I kept wanting to scream at the guy: You fool! What are you doing!

It just gives me chills. This may be funny to everyone else, but withholding ice cream from your girl is a deadly serious business. It isn’t wise to play like that.

Delaina Garling Just Won The Loser Trifecta

Okay, it’s official. Delaina Garling just won the loser trifecta. It’s all in here, if you can manage to read about it without losing whatever last few shreds of hope for humanity that you have left.

That’s right, according to the article, Delaina Garling allegedly had been banned from a Philadelphia-area Family Dollar for theft. When she returned and employees tried to stop her, she pepper-sprayed them. When then tackled by the employees, she managed to give the pepper spray to her 7-year-old daughter and ordered her to spray the employees (her daughter didn’t do it).

That’s 1, 2, and 3. Loser trifecta.

First off, she was stealing from a Family Dollar. I understand that there are a lot of people with little to no money in this country, but still. I’ve been in the Family Dollar. There really wasn’t anything I wanted, even at the prices they were willing to sell them to me for. Beyond that, after she was kicked out for allegedly stealing from the Family Dollar, she came back and pepper sprayed employees for kicking her out. That’s definitely number 2. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, she tries to get her 7-YEAR-OLD to participate in the whole mess! It’s bad enough to even have your child present for something like this, but to actually try to get your young child to assault employees for kicking you out of a store you have been banned for allegedly shoplifting from is just downright garbage behavior. That’s a number 3 for sure.

I can’t even think what this is going to look like in front of a judge. I have to hope social services gets involved in this. After all: “Are you a fit mother? Well, have you ever ordered your child to pepper spray someone as part of the commission of an idiotic crime?”

Check Out Sage Magazine

Is it creepy if I recommend a women’s lifestyle magazine? It might be, but I’m going to do it anyway. Hopefully I don’t actually reduce their readership as a result. Regardless, if you are looking for a women’s lifestyle magazine, go and check out Sage Magazine.

Though it isn’t my usual fare, it does like a pretty nicely put together mag. Their main statement says that they are an online lifestyle magazine showcasing products, photography, and how-to’s. They also state that they believe every woman can live an inspired and beautiful life.

Mind you, I don’t really know a whole lot about that, but I wish them and any woman who wants to live an inspired and beautiful life luck. Can’t see why I’d wish otherwise.

Regardless, I’m not trolling women’s magazines or anything. A friend of mine is doing book reviews and such for them and I wanted to pass some readers her way, spread the word and what not. In fact, why not go check out her article about Peony in Love by Lisa See (starts on page 32)?

I’m Wondering If Shin Chan Toys Are Appropriate In Children’s Claw Machines

I was waiting to be seated at Great Scott’s in Denver and I happened to look in the claw machine in their ‘arcade’ section. I stopped, because I thought I saw stuffed Shin Chan toys in the claw machine. When I looked closer, I saw that I was not mistaken. There were stuffed Shin Chan toys in the claw machine. I had to wonder if this was really appropriate for children.

Granted, my parents let me read Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers comics when I was a kid. Still, Shin Chan (at least the Shin Chan I’m familiar with) seems pretty adult themed to me.

After all, one of the stuffed characters here is Action Bastard. Does that sound like a good thing for kids? How about the title of one of Action Bastard’s episodes: “Put Your Mouth on a Sausage?” Just take a look at a Shin Chan clip:

Trust me, that one isn’t even that bad compared to much of Shin Chan. I love the show, but I wouldn’t let my young kids watch it…if I had any kids. I just got a kick out of the fact that they decided to mass produce toys for kids and put them in claw machines.

Why Aren’t Most Trees Flammable In The Original Legend of Zelda?

Okay, I promise this is the last post about the old 8-bit NES Legend of Zelda. However, before I leave this topic, why are so few trees flammable in this world? As anyone who has played the game knows, there are a few special trees that you can burn with the candle (or magic rod). However, most are utterly unaffected.

So…why? What are these trees all made out of that they can’t burn (a similar question can be raised as to why some rocks can be blown up whereas others can’t)? Asbestos?

Of course, I know that the reason only certain trees burn is that the others weren’t programmed for any reaction. It was plain programming economy. However, it didn’t need to be. They could just have had them burn to nothing. Then, when Link left the screen far enough, they could just reappear like the enemies do.

It wouldn’t seem like such a weird thing, if there weren’t a few trees (identical to all the other ones) that DO burn. It just seems like such a simple thing to have programmed. I just wonder why they didn’t bother.