David S. Atkinson's Blog, page 285

Pointless New Year’s Resolutions I Could Make

It’s probably a bit early to think about New Year’s resolutions, but I’ve been thinking about some pointless ones I could make. I have a problem with New Year’s resolutions in general, but especially with doing them timely. If I wait, I’ll end up waiting until halfway through the year or later. However, if I make real ones then someone might actually expect me to keep them.

The whole idea of New Year’s resolutions seems kind of weird anyway. Years are just arbitrary structures we’ve decided to use to mark time. There is nothing special about them and no reason to have resolutions going into a new one. Still, people seem to have fun with this and sometimes I toss around a few.

However, real ones are dangerous. If you tell people, then someone might care enough to harp that you aren’t following them. That won’t do.

As such, I’m considering making ones no one will care about. That way I could make them, but no one would follow-up. Here are a few samples:

- Learn to unicycle. This one seems pretty safe. I know very few people who would care about this. Even better, the few people I know who would care would probably be enthused that they were still better at it than me. Thus, little enforcement.

- Become fluent in Esperanto. To my knowledge, absolutely no one I know understands a lick of this language. I’m not even sure it is a full language. Really, no one I know would have any ability to judge how I am coming with this. I could fake it the whole year.

- Win the powerball. This is a total win situation. Most likely, everyone would give me credit for continuing to try. If by some miraculous accident I actually kept this one, I wouldn’t cry about it.

- Become a better person. This one is gold, totally subjective. If anyone challenged me on it then I could just challenge their definitions. I could decide that better meant better at being stubborn, in which case refusing to work on it would totally be working toward it. There’s almost no way to lose.

- Convert oxygen to CO2. Pretty sure I’ll be doing this in the new year, if all goes well. Might as well make it a resolution and get double credit.

Mind you, those are just a few ideas. Also keep in mind, I am not committing to these. Don’t try to hold me to them because I’ll just say I never actually made them as resolutions. You’ll have no proof.

A Reading Of “The Virgin Mary Tree”

As a celebration that my book, Bones Buried in the Dirt, will be published by River Otter Press on January 1, 2013, I thought I’d share a video clip of me reading another story from it. This is a video of me reading “The Virgin Mary Tree” at a Grey Sparrow event at The Loft Literary Center in Minneapolis back in 2011:

A Bad Joke Instead Of A Post Today

Instead of a post today, I thought I’d share a bad joke. It’s a pretty bad joke, but a friend of mine shared it with me one time and I’m pretty fond of it. As such, I thought I’d share it with all of you. You’re welcome.

A frog hops into a bar. He hops up to the bartender and says: “Got any lampshades?”

The bartender stops, confused. Then he says: “No, we don’t have any lampshades. This is a bar, not a hardware store.”

“Ah, okay,” the frog responds and hops out.

Next night, the same frog hops in. He hops up to the same bartender and says: “Hey, bartender…got any lampshades?”

“No,” the bartender responds. “I told you last night. This is a bar, not a hardware store.”

“Ah, okay,” the frog responds again and hops out.

This happens several nights in a row. Finally, the bartender can’t take any more. When the frog hops in again and asks if they have any lampshades, the bartender grabs him. “Look,” he tells the frog, “this is the last time I’m going to tell you. We don’t have any lampshades. This is a bar, not a hardware store. If you ask again, I’m going to nail your flippers to the bar.”

“Okay,” the frog says one more time and hops out.

However, the next night the frog hops into the bar again. He hops right up to the same bartender. The bartender is just waiting for what’s coming next.

“Hey, bartender,” the frog says.

“Yeah?”

“Got any nails?”

The bartender starts. Well, at least it was different. “No, frog,” the bartender responds. “We don’t have any nails. This is a bar.”

“Ah,” the frog says, “then got any lampshades?”

Hugh Grant Named Worst TV Show Guest: A Good Start But Why Stop There?

I just read an with the headline “Hugh Grant named worst TV show guest.” Apparently, according to the article, ol’ Hugh was a poorly behaved boy on a visit to The Daily Show. My first thought was to wonder why I always had to rely on the Hindustan Times to find out these things about America, but my second thought was: Why stop there?

After all, there are many more worst things that Hugh Grant is than just the worst TV show guest. Saying the above just makes it seem like it’s the only thing he is worst at (mind you, I don’t hate Hugh Grant, but I do admit not being overly fond of him). That certainly can’t be the case.

Let’s think of a few:

- Hugh Grant: worst action movie star

- Hugh Grant: worst quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons

- Hugh Grant: worst warmup act for Slayer

- Hugh Grant: worst Scarlett Johansson body double

- Hugh Grant: worst substitute for penicillin

Mind you, this is just a few ideas to get the ball rolling. Others can pitch in if they want. Regardless, I think the point has been made that we shouldn’t just rest at naming Hugh Grant worst TV show guest and not go any further.

I’m So Glad The Vatican Decided To Weigh In On The Mayan Thing

You know, I am so glad that I ran across this article about how the Vatican doesn’t think the Mayan apocalypse is happening. There is just no way of conveying how relieved I am right now. I might just have to go and have a cookie to celebrate.

After all, I’m sure I was pretty worried about this Mayan thing. An ancient civilization might have predicted the end of the world next Friday? Without even doing any research whether or not that was what they really predicted (as opposed to a changed world, etc.) and/or whether or not I had any reason to believe them, I might have really been sweating it.

I mean, I was probably just as concerned when the Guuutaajjjjjjjank group of neolithic stone people predicted Elizabeth Taylor’s first divorce from Richard Burton and carved warnings about such into a bagel that they subsequently ate and only rumors of which reached modern day.

But…now the Vatican has come to the rescue. Thank God.

It isn’t like, particularly not being Catholic, I have no more reason to believe what the Vatican says than what other people tell me the Mayans said. It also isn’t like the Vatican’s claim to authority is purely religious rather than scientific, offering about as much persuasiveness (if you don’t have that particular faith) as the rumors about the Mayans themselves.

No, now we have something we can trust. The Vatican has said that the Mayan apocalypse is bunk and we can trust in that. I just don’t have to worry anymore. If only they’d take a public position on Nostradamus’s prediction that Honey Boo Boo will unleash a horde of demons upon the earth on December 21, 2013, thus dooming us all to an eternity of pain and torment, by unlocking an Easter egg in a limited release DVD copy of The 13 Ghosts of Scooby-Doo.

The Last Reading on Earth, Ever: A Marathon Reading of Apocalyptic Writing

I just wanted to share some info about this event. My story “Polite Notes of the Dinnertime Neighborly Etiquette Apocalypse” (first published in Brave Blue Mice in August of 2011) will be part of it. Here’s the skinny:

THIS EVENT IS TAKING PLACE ONLINE ALL DAY – WATCH ANY TIME FROM ANYWHERE THAT HAS THE INTERNET.

You can watch at www.youtube.com/indigestmag or www.indigestmag.com

InDigest is hosting an online reading Friday, December 21st, of apocalyptic poems and stories to welcome the day of the apocalypse, the day of our ultimate doom.

They’ve had the interns in the InDigest Offices working night and day to find an exact time for the apocalypse, but, as of this moment, they have no definitive answer. They offer their apologies. Rest assured that the InDigest Offices will not rest until they are able to tell you exactly the moment that human life as we know it will cease to matter.

Since they don’t know when the rapture begins, they’ll start the marathon reading in the morning, and it will go until we’re all dead.

Starting Friday morning you’ll be able to watch the entire marathon reading through InDigest’s YouTube channel or right at their website. (It’ll be very obvious where to go on our homepage.) That means you can start it any time you’d like. It’ll be available in its entirety all day. Gather your loved ones, have your last meal, and listen to some of the world’s finest writers read their poems, prophecies, stories, and speculations about the end of mankind as we know it. (Though, if the internet survives we’ll have a nice record of how wrong we were about our end, as this reading will live forever in our hearts and minds. Or, failing that, in the instance of true apocalypse, it’ll live forever on the internet, this foreign, mysterious electronic thingamajig that the hybrid cockroach-twinkie overlords will need to figure out to truly understand what came before them.)

Another 2012 Goal Met: Readings At Tattered Cover

With the Kevin J. Anderson reading at the Tattered Cover on Colfax, I hit another of the goals I set for myself for 2012. I wanted to attend more readings this year. Tattered Cover has a good selection, so I decided to try to hit at least one a month. Once I even managed to attend two in one month. With the Kevin J. Anderson reading, I finally managed to do that.

Here’s what I attended this year:

January: Ben Marcus, The Flame Alphabet

February: Andre Dubus III, Townie

March: Nick Arvin, The Reconstructionist

April: Cheryl Strayed, Wild

May: Jackson Galaxy, Cat Daddy

June: Ben Fountain, Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk

July: Gregory Hill, East of Denver

August: Peter Heller, The Dog Stars

September: Molly Ringwald, When It Happens to You and Michael Chabon, Telegraph Avenue

October: Sandra Cisneros, Have You Seen Marie?

November: Linda Hull, The Big Bang

December: Kevin J. Anderson, Clockwork Angels

Sometimes someone I knew was coming and it was an easy choice. Other times, I didn’t know anybody for a month and I looked to see who seemed interesting, using that as an opportunity to broaden my reading horizons. Regardless, I had a good time and managed to get to at least one a month.

It’s A Good Thing My Wife Made Me Wear My Coat This Morning

I almost never wear a coat. For one thing, it’s annoying. Most of the time, I just don’t need to. On the average day I’m already wearing a long sleeve shirt and undershirt, I only go between my house and the train station/the train station and the mall shuttle/and the mall shuttle and work, and it usually isn’t that cold in Denver. However, today it was good that my wife grumped at me to wear my coat.

I mean, it was about 16 Fahrenheit when I left the house today. However, it was supposed to get up to 40ish and it wasn’t likely going to be really cold enough most of the day that I’d need my coat. Still, given the fact that it was 16 when I left, and to make my wife happy, I wore my coat.

Good thing. I get to the Downing Street Station to see a crapload of people waiting and no train. Apparently, there was an accident at I-25 and Broadway that was delaying trains. Apparently, the delay was pretty significant.

The coat would have been good if I was going to be waiting out in 16 degree weather for a while, which I apparently was. Because I had my coat, I also had my gloves and earmuffs. I put them on…then I thought: Heck, why not just walk?

So, I did. It was a bit cold, but thanks to having my coat (which I buttoned up for once), gloves, and earmuffs, I was all right. I didn’t even see the train going to the Downing Street Station until I hit about 22nd. I just kept walking at that point. By the time it got all the way to Downing Street Station and back, I’d already have caught the mall shuttle already. Walking was colder, but it was quicker.

All in all, I only got to work about 10 minutes later than normal. That isn’t too bad. However, I would have been in a world of hurt if my wife hadn’t made me wear my coat. I’m grateful for it…just don’t tell her.

It Could Actually Be Inconvenient If I Get Any More Short Stories Accepted This Year

This might sound a bit counter-intuitive (not to mention potentially ungrateful), but it could actually be a bit inconvenient if I get any more short stories accepted this year. Frankly, I’m conflicted. I still want to get more acceptances…but it might be better if any I get come in starting January so they can start on next year’s tally.

I’ve already had my best year ever short story-wise with 9 acceptances. My best year before this one (last year) was only 7. The more I get this year will make this year even tougher to ever be able to beat again. I could have peaked.

However, that isn’t the real reason further 2012 short story acceptances could be inconvenient. You see, last year I read 318 books. That was good and all, but it seemed like I might have been spending a bit too much time reading and not enough time writing. I decided not to stop reading, but to write at least a little more in 2012 even at the expense of reading.

And, I have. I’ve read about 229 books so far this year, so I’ll definitely not hit as high as 318. Instead, I’ve written a draft of a short novel and 10 short stories this year (not to mention about 30 book reviews or more). 4 of those short stories were actually written this month, though I still need to type one of them up.

As it happened, I finished the draft of the first short story this month and realized where the numbers were at. I thought to myself: Hmm, you could actually have your new short stories meet or exceed the stories that got accepted this year. After that thought, I stopped procrastinating and actually dedicated some serious time to writing. And now here I am, goal met…having written one more story this year than the number I got accepted.

So, you see the issue. I have plenty of stories submitted out there. I definitely want them accepted. However, if I get any more accepted this year then I would have to write even one more. It would be a good problem to have, but it would make me have to work a lot harder.

“Bones Buried in the Dirt” has a cover!

Hey everybody, Bones Buried in the Dirt has a cover! Take a look:

Bones Buried in the Dirt

Thanks again to Timm Burgess for permission to use his artwork “Lost Childhood” for the cover. It really is quite beautiful.

Anyway, we have a cover. We have a Goodreads page. Publication has been moved up to January 1, 2013. Things are moving pretty quickly now. I can’t wait for everyone to read it (and hopefully buy copies).